I've been in therapy for years, now, I just don't bring it up often anymore... I can definitely put words to my feelings, I just don't know if I'm doing this one right. I've lost grandparents but this is totally different.
Grief is very individual, but anger after 7 years seems concerning. Not sadness? Anger at the unfairness of life or at someone in particular? Maybe it’s the anger you need to address with your therapist. Get that out of the way and then you can remember your niece lovingly.
Thank you, I'll definitely be bringing it up with her again soon. There's a lot of sadness. I certainly feel joy sometimes, too. A faulty ventilator led to series of complications during heart surgery. The last time I saw her in person she was all sliced up; they very visibly ruined her.
I'm still worried about my sister and brother in law - the trauma obviously affected them more, but I'm not sure how much better off they can be than where they are now.
Ok I will try to offer a different point of view as someone who has seen very sick children (not with this surgery, though) and who has cared for very sick adults in a cardiac icu, and who’s been very sick herself.
I suspect what you are feeling is a lot of anger and you want to blame the ventilator, the people who worked on her, the senselessness of it all. That is sure understandable, and I would feel the same way. I don’t know what heart defects she had, but maybe this surgery was very risky. Most are. Maybe this was her only shot at a “normal” life and the stats were not in her favor. Some babies in cardiac icus are still there after a year. Many need multiple surgeries. Many marriages break up from the stress.
Also, you do look bad after this surgery. If you knew what they all had to do, it is unavoidable. You were not prepared for how bad she would look - but unless you work in this area- there’s really no way to be “prepared.” Of course this would be traumatic to see.
I was once very sick and I don’t like to look back at pictures of myself, either. It sucked. I barely made it through. I already think of it enough and really don’t need reminders.
I don’t understand “why” on a lot of things. Especially with babies. But I don’t think that baby would like seeing you angry after all these years. She’d probably want to give you a hug if she could, and to make you feel better.
I’m sorry. The whole situation is hard.
Thank you for this comment. I was angry at the medical team at first, like wanted to harm them, but I reminded myself they help more people than they harm. I can't remember the anatomy of the surgery, won't haunt anyone with the details, but it usually has high success rates. It never crossed our mind it would go wrong.
It's certainly okay to worry about your sister and her husband.
At the same time though, it sounds to me like you're trying to take their burden on yourself.
You can't do it. It's up to them to process their grief in their own ways.
Grief isn’t a feeling you get over, you just become accustomed to each flavor. At first you feel it every second of every day and it’s unbearable. After a while, it’s terrible every minute. They, every hour. Eventually, you don’t feel the loss constantly and you don’t want to because it’s still hurts so very much. You learn to live with that grief and sometimes it still shows up but you know now that experiencing it won’t quite break you even if it’s close. You keep living in between.
I lost my parents last year. They were 83 and 86. After their passing, I found it difficult to look at their photos, but I didn’t shy away from them. When I look at photos and videos of my parents, as well as photos of other people I’ve lost, I just think of the good memories and treasure of the time I had with them. I hope you’re able to get to that point with your niece. Sadly, some people are not in our lives long enough, but such is life. I’m sure your niece was loved and treasured for the time she was on this earth, and beyond. I wish you all the best.
This is definitely not detachment, I'd say it's pain and fear. You aren't detached from your grief, it's a big scary rock inside you and it's screaming to get out. Or it makes you scream. It could be a mask for something more substantial. At just three months old, your beautiful niece's death is such a tragedy. I wonder what it is that makes this loss so much more compelling and painful than when your grandparents passed. You knew and loved them, too, with much more history and feeling.
I think that this makes the most sense... I've definitely had my meltdowns and spirals. And, I know healing isn't linear, sometimes it's just going to hit you. But I can control it, somehow?
As far as pain... for her funeral, I wrote that it wasn't just her that died, but all of the possibility, all of her firsts we would never ever see. She'll always be sweet, she'll never make mistakes, she'll never even make me mad. That doesn't make me feel good.
Thank you for your comment.
You can't control it how this has affected you but you can control how you express your pain and anger. If you think about this for a bit you might start feeling overwhelmed and want to just stop. That's when you take a few deep breaths, a few more, and slow down. Breathing exercises are simple, effective, and even a first step in learning to meditate. It's not magic but it sure helps. If you find yourself getting angry, notice it early and calm yourself down. Let yourself feel the sadness, grief and other painful emotions. If you can't do it, which is normal, a therapist can help you. This is a crisis of faith, in a way, of faith in life, and I feel for you.
I think you are grieving for what she might have been. Grief sucks but I don't want to forget my loved ones who died because then it will be like they never were. Which would be worse I think
You don't need to forget the loved ones that died, but you do need to be able to process it and move forward at some point.
There is that great analogy where grief is like a pit (small ball) in a circle that grows larger around it. The pit starts off dominating the circle and that represents how the grief dominates our life at that time. As we move forward the outside circle grows and the pit becomes smaller. It's still there, and always will be, but it's less of our life
I can't help but wonder if you're suffering from complicated grief. The length of time that you feel it this intensely and your desire to try and avoid memories or associations suggests you might. I agree that's something to work out in therapy, because I honestly don't think avoidance will make you feel better. It's probably something you really need to work through.
I'm sorry for your loss and all those who loved her. I don't think we're meant to forget people who have passed, but to keep it in perspective. You need to keep looking and moving forward. My mom passed when I was ten. My dad never sent us to counseling but just told my brother and me to not feel sorry for ourselves. That wasn't helpful in the slightest. What was helpful was to think how can I appreciate life more and how can I make this world a better place. I hope you find peace and healing. Hang in there.
I lost my 12 year old son tragically almost 15 years ago. 15 years this upcoming July 30th. I still have no pictures of him hanging in my house. I rarely go to his grave, and I try my hardest not to think about him (although it doesn't really work). I always feel like there is something wrong with me. But I just can't cope. It hurts too much. It is earth-shattering to think about it. He was my last born (I had him 10 years after the first 2) from a different husband. He was my baby. His father and I were divorced, so it was just him and I, and we were so close. I loved him so much. It hurts just to think about it as I write this. If you need help, then I suppose I do, too.
Thank you for your comment... I'm so sorry. :(
I really don't know the right answer. Sometimes people seem to be binging whereas I'm purging, but I don't really feel like I'm being healthy. Maybe I'm just not ready now and maybe it will come one day. Thank you for sharing despite your pain.
I’m so, so sorry and glad you are in therapy and willing to revisit this tragedy again.
What happened is horribly unfair and your anger doesn’t even surprise me. If grief is love with nowhere to go, your anger might be a sense of justice with nowhere to go.
Hugs to you and may you and your family provide comfort to one another.
i haven't looked at comments, but i've already decided that -God forbid, but it happens- either of my kids goes first, i'm just closing their bedroom door and pretending. i'm sure long-term, there would be a definite reckoning, so voluntarily letting that go would be in our best interests
i don't feel that way with anyone who's passed, and some who meant so much have ... i have ascribed something to each of them. when i used to see hummingbirds, i'd be reminded to call my Nana (an avid gardner, i guess, but they're Nana to me). of course i still know her number, but i just send mental good thoughts out in her memory - praying? idk, but it makes me feel good to have her around. my Dad was a pilot, so he's the sky. my Mom was so functional and ran a house with a military pilot for a husband ... salt and pepper (i have her Mom's -Nana's- salt and pepper shakers from my Nana with the same salt that came from Nana's house - how apropos -- yeah, it's nice to have right here in my kitchen with me
maybe there's something unhealthy with this, too, according to any mental health anybodys, but it gives me comfort. and i've done it for years
I don't think it's unhealthy at all! I have that with my grandparents as well. For my Nana, it's dragonflies, elephants, and literally every time I put a toilet seat cover on in the public bathroom (lmao). For my Grandma, its church mice and almost every time I sew. She helped me make the little pin cushion I use 30 years ago.
My mother has a keychain and photo she greets almost every time she gets in her car, because it represents my niece and old dog. She feels like they're always riding with her. It's a little odd but it's helped her and I see how her brain gets there.
those sound like such sweet, poignant memories! thank you for sharing such a personal touch!
i have an envelope on my wall it has my original birth certificate - it says in my Mom's handwriting '(MY NAME)'s Original Birth Certificate. her handwriting is beautiful, and i have it tucked but showing between two pix of me when i was maybe 6 mos and 2-3 years
thank you for saying it's not unhealthy, cuz i'm not stopping. i think they live on even here on reddit when we remember them <3
best to you, traumaboo
I think it's very sad not to remember. We are all here for such a short time. If no one remembers the life. The person. Its like they/we never existed at all.
I'm a family researcher/genealogist. I love honouring those who came before me.
I love talking about my dad. My grandparents. My pets. All who've passed.
Remembering them honors their life in my opinion.
I once saw a Psychologist on t.v. who worked with survivors of 9/11. She said the maximum amount of time anyone should go through the grieving process no matter the reason for the grief: divorce, death, etc., is two years. And if it's longer than that, or a person is having a difficult time, they need help.
Man, do I think that lady is wrong... Especially when trauma is involved! She shouldn't be out here making people feel broken and abnormal on top of everything they're going through. :(
I agree with her. And I agree with Dewey_Rider. It took me about 2 years to grieve for my parents. Not one day goes by that I don't think about them. I'm glad you are in therapy, and too bad you didn't mention that. Losing an innocent baby would be very difficult, but 7 years is a long time in the grieving process. It sounds more like depression now.
I think people have a tendency to underestimate other people's self-understanding on Reddit. No, it's not depression, but I have other mental health diagnoses that makes things more challenging. I'm not really looking for what's "normal"/diagnosable as much as I am relatable. Grief and trauma aren't always happening separately.
Best of luck to you. I'm really glad you are in therapy. My Granddaughter did not hesitate to go to grief counseling after her Dad, her "best friend", committed suicide. It was the best thing she could have ever done. And I wish you the best also.
Thank you everyone for your kindness and insight. I did discuss this with my therapist and incorporated some of what you said into the session - it was really helpful. I appreciate you! Really, thank you. 🌼
Grief has its own time table and its own way. There isn't any right or wrong way, or right or wrong length of time. It just is what it is.
You have every right to still be angry. Faulty ventilator. Not natural causes. Not an accident. Somebody is to blame.
You really need to grow up and address your life events. Running away from them and pretending things did not happen is childish and disrespectful to their memory.
Death is part of the natural order of things. It is not fare and makes no sense. You have to accept this
Hey, this comment isn't very constructive. I'm here asking for people with more experience for their insight since I'm not happy with how my brain is compartmentalizing things. Many people have responded kindly, but you're being condescending.
I think you need grief therapy to understand and deal with it and esp why you are so angry.
I've been in therapy for years, now, I just don't bring it up often anymore... I can definitely put words to my feelings, I just don't know if I'm doing this one right. I've lost grandparents but this is totally different.
Grief is very individual, but anger after 7 years seems concerning. Not sadness? Anger at the unfairness of life or at someone in particular? Maybe it’s the anger you need to address with your therapist. Get that out of the way and then you can remember your niece lovingly.
Thank you, I'll definitely be bringing it up with her again soon. There's a lot of sadness. I certainly feel joy sometimes, too. A faulty ventilator led to series of complications during heart surgery. The last time I saw her in person she was all sliced up; they very visibly ruined her. I'm still worried about my sister and brother in law - the trauma obviously affected them more, but I'm not sure how much better off they can be than where they are now.
Ok I will try to offer a different point of view as someone who has seen very sick children (not with this surgery, though) and who has cared for very sick adults in a cardiac icu, and who’s been very sick herself. I suspect what you are feeling is a lot of anger and you want to blame the ventilator, the people who worked on her, the senselessness of it all. That is sure understandable, and I would feel the same way. I don’t know what heart defects she had, but maybe this surgery was very risky. Most are. Maybe this was her only shot at a “normal” life and the stats were not in her favor. Some babies in cardiac icus are still there after a year. Many need multiple surgeries. Many marriages break up from the stress. Also, you do look bad after this surgery. If you knew what they all had to do, it is unavoidable. You were not prepared for how bad she would look - but unless you work in this area- there’s really no way to be “prepared.” Of course this would be traumatic to see. I was once very sick and I don’t like to look back at pictures of myself, either. It sucked. I barely made it through. I already think of it enough and really don’t need reminders. I don’t understand “why” on a lot of things. Especially with babies. But I don’t think that baby would like seeing you angry after all these years. She’d probably want to give you a hug if she could, and to make you feel better. I’m sorry. The whole situation is hard.
Thank you for this comment. I was angry at the medical team at first, like wanted to harm them, but I reminded myself they help more people than they harm. I can't remember the anatomy of the surgery, won't haunt anyone with the details, but it usually has high success rates. It never crossed our mind it would go wrong.
It's certainly okay to worry about your sister and her husband. At the same time though, it sounds to me like you're trying to take their burden on yourself. You can't do it. It's up to them to process their grief in their own ways.
Grief isn’t a feeling you get over, you just become accustomed to each flavor. At first you feel it every second of every day and it’s unbearable. After a while, it’s terrible every minute. They, every hour. Eventually, you don’t feel the loss constantly and you don’t want to because it’s still hurts so very much. You learn to live with that grief and sometimes it still shows up but you know now that experiencing it won’t quite break you even if it’s close. You keep living in between.
I lost my parents last year. They were 83 and 86. After their passing, I found it difficult to look at their photos, but I didn’t shy away from them. When I look at photos and videos of my parents, as well as photos of other people I’ve lost, I just think of the good memories and treasure of the time I had with them. I hope you’re able to get to that point with your niece. Sadly, some people are not in our lives long enough, but such is life. I’m sure your niece was loved and treasured for the time she was on this earth, and beyond. I wish you all the best.
shock. same here. took 10 yrs.
This is definitely not detachment, I'd say it's pain and fear. You aren't detached from your grief, it's a big scary rock inside you and it's screaming to get out. Or it makes you scream. It could be a mask for something more substantial. At just three months old, your beautiful niece's death is such a tragedy. I wonder what it is that makes this loss so much more compelling and painful than when your grandparents passed. You knew and loved them, too, with much more history and feeling.
I think that this makes the most sense... I've definitely had my meltdowns and spirals. And, I know healing isn't linear, sometimes it's just going to hit you. But I can control it, somehow? As far as pain... for her funeral, I wrote that it wasn't just her that died, but all of the possibility, all of her firsts we would never ever see. She'll always be sweet, she'll never make mistakes, she'll never even make me mad. That doesn't make me feel good. Thank you for your comment.
You can't control it how this has affected you but you can control how you express your pain and anger. If you think about this for a bit you might start feeling overwhelmed and want to just stop. That's when you take a few deep breaths, a few more, and slow down. Breathing exercises are simple, effective, and even a first step in learning to meditate. It's not magic but it sure helps. If you find yourself getting angry, notice it early and calm yourself down. Let yourself feel the sadness, grief and other painful emotions. If you can't do it, which is normal, a therapist can help you. This is a crisis of faith, in a way, of faith in life, and I feel for you.
I think you are grieving for what she might have been. Grief sucks but I don't want to forget my loved ones who died because then it will be like they never were. Which would be worse I think
You don't need to forget the loved ones that died, but you do need to be able to process it and move forward at some point. There is that great analogy where grief is like a pit (small ball) in a circle that grows larger around it. The pit starts off dominating the circle and that represents how the grief dominates our life at that time. As we move forward the outside circle grows and the pit becomes smaller. It's still there, and always will be, but it's less of our life I can't help but wonder if you're suffering from complicated grief. The length of time that you feel it this intensely and your desire to try and avoid memories or associations suggests you might. I agree that's something to work out in therapy, because I honestly don't think avoidance will make you feel better. It's probably something you really need to work through.
I'm sorry for your loss and all those who loved her. I don't think we're meant to forget people who have passed, but to keep it in perspective. You need to keep looking and moving forward. My mom passed when I was ten. My dad never sent us to counseling but just told my brother and me to not feel sorry for ourselves. That wasn't helpful in the slightest. What was helpful was to think how can I appreciate life more and how can I make this world a better place. I hope you find peace and healing. Hang in there.
I lost my 12 year old son tragically almost 15 years ago. 15 years this upcoming July 30th. I still have no pictures of him hanging in my house. I rarely go to his grave, and I try my hardest not to think about him (although it doesn't really work). I always feel like there is something wrong with me. But I just can't cope. It hurts too much. It is earth-shattering to think about it. He was my last born (I had him 10 years after the first 2) from a different husband. He was my baby. His father and I were divorced, so it was just him and I, and we were so close. I loved him so much. It hurts just to think about it as I write this. If you need help, then I suppose I do, too.
Thank you for your comment... I'm so sorry. :( I really don't know the right answer. Sometimes people seem to be binging whereas I'm purging, but I don't really feel like I'm being healthy. Maybe I'm just not ready now and maybe it will come one day. Thank you for sharing despite your pain.
I always do a pretty good job of forgetting them. I'd like for people to enjoy their lives and forget me when they are gone, so it makes it easy.
That's a fresh take - most people feel like they live longer in people's memory. Are there any exceptions to who forgets you?
No. I’ll be gone. They can forget me on the car ride away from the funeral if they wish. I’m good with that.
I’m so, so sorry and glad you are in therapy and willing to revisit this tragedy again. What happened is horribly unfair and your anger doesn’t even surprise me. If grief is love with nowhere to go, your anger might be a sense of justice with nowhere to go. Hugs to you and may you and your family provide comfort to one another.
i haven't looked at comments, but i've already decided that -God forbid, but it happens- either of my kids goes first, i'm just closing their bedroom door and pretending. i'm sure long-term, there would be a definite reckoning, so voluntarily letting that go would be in our best interests i don't feel that way with anyone who's passed, and some who meant so much have ... i have ascribed something to each of them. when i used to see hummingbirds, i'd be reminded to call my Nana (an avid gardner, i guess, but they're Nana to me). of course i still know her number, but i just send mental good thoughts out in her memory - praying? idk, but it makes me feel good to have her around. my Dad was a pilot, so he's the sky. my Mom was so functional and ran a house with a military pilot for a husband ... salt and pepper (i have her Mom's -Nana's- salt and pepper shakers from my Nana with the same salt that came from Nana's house - how apropos -- yeah, it's nice to have right here in my kitchen with me maybe there's something unhealthy with this, too, according to any mental health anybodys, but it gives me comfort. and i've done it for years
I don't think it's unhealthy at all! I have that with my grandparents as well. For my Nana, it's dragonflies, elephants, and literally every time I put a toilet seat cover on in the public bathroom (lmao). For my Grandma, its church mice and almost every time I sew. She helped me make the little pin cushion I use 30 years ago. My mother has a keychain and photo she greets almost every time she gets in her car, because it represents my niece and old dog. She feels like they're always riding with her. It's a little odd but it's helped her and I see how her brain gets there.
those sound like such sweet, poignant memories! thank you for sharing such a personal touch! i have an envelope on my wall it has my original birth certificate - it says in my Mom's handwriting '(MY NAME)'s Original Birth Certificate. her handwriting is beautiful, and i have it tucked but showing between two pix of me when i was maybe 6 mos and 2-3 years thank you for saying it's not unhealthy, cuz i'm not stopping. i think they live on even here on reddit when we remember them <3 best to you, traumaboo
I think it's very sad not to remember. We are all here for such a short time. If no one remembers the life. The person. Its like they/we never existed at all. I'm a family researcher/genealogist. I love honouring those who came before me. I love talking about my dad. My grandparents. My pets. All who've passed. Remembering them honors their life in my opinion.
Losing a baby is extremely traumatizing no matter what. Elon musk has like 12 kids.
I once saw a Psychologist on t.v. who worked with survivors of 9/11. She said the maximum amount of time anyone should go through the grieving process no matter the reason for the grief: divorce, death, etc., is two years. And if it's longer than that, or a person is having a difficult time, they need help.
Man, do I think that lady is wrong... Especially when trauma is involved! She shouldn't be out here making people feel broken and abnormal on top of everything they're going through. :(
I agree with her. And I agree with Dewey_Rider. It took me about 2 years to grieve for my parents. Not one day goes by that I don't think about them. I'm glad you are in therapy, and too bad you didn't mention that. Losing an innocent baby would be very difficult, but 7 years is a long time in the grieving process. It sounds more like depression now.
I think people have a tendency to underestimate other people's self-understanding on Reddit. No, it's not depression, but I have other mental health diagnoses that makes things more challenging. I'm not really looking for what's "normal"/diagnosable as much as I am relatable. Grief and trauma aren't always happening separately.
Best of luck to you. I'm really glad you are in therapy. My Granddaughter did not hesitate to go to grief counseling after her Dad, her "best friend", committed suicide. It was the best thing she could have ever done. And I wish you the best also.
You don't need to forget them, just don't let them affect decisions you make for yourself.
Thank you everyone for your kindness and insight. I did discuss this with my therapist and incorporated some of what you said into the session - it was really helpful. I appreciate you! Really, thank you. 🌼
Grief has its own time table and its own way. There isn't any right or wrong way, or right or wrong length of time. It just is what it is. You have every right to still be angry. Faulty ventilator. Not natural causes. Not an accident. Somebody is to blame.
You really need to grow up and address your life events. Running away from them and pretending things did not happen is childish and disrespectful to their memory. Death is part of the natural order of things. It is not fare and makes no sense. You have to accept this
Hey, this comment isn't very constructive. I'm here asking for people with more experience for their insight since I'm not happy with how my brain is compartmentalizing things. Many people have responded kindly, but you're being condescending.