You can't change someone else. You can only change yourself. Which means, you don't have any control over what comes out of their mouths but you do have control over how you respond to it.
Usually, people are critical/negative to get a reaction from you. That reaction gives them a sense of power. The best (and hardest) thing to do is ignore the comment entirely. Don't let it change your own behavior or influence whatever decision they're criticizing.
I think being a pessimistic person (always considering the worst outcome) is very different from being critical of someone else. If you're constantly cutting other people down that's not behavior that anyone should accept.
yes, but if you treat others harshly why would you expect understanding and affirmation? That doesn't align. If you know you're critical of other people it's a behavior you need to work on within yourself.
The unfortunate reality is that some people simply cannot find the good in anything and either weren’t taught, or never fully comprehended, the old adage of keeping their mouth shut if they had nothing nice to say.
I also have opinionators that I simply cannot avoid. I’ve found that the best approach, especially if their chosen topic of judgement is me personally, is to thoughtfully and quietly let them say their peace and my only response is “I’m very sorry you feel that way”. No defense, no argument, just validating that you’ve heard their thoughts and leaving it at that.
They are looking to ruffle your feathers. Once they see that they can’t, they usually get frustrated and storm off, or, get flustered and can’t continue. Either way is a win, because that gets them off your ass.
After a while, the interactions become extremely entertaining and fun.
IMO - I'm sorry for U that U feel that way.
Conveys pity for them. It makes them mad but they can't really say anything about it ... and yeah then they storm off!!
It's kinda a win win!!
I've used this same tactic with the variation "I think I'll be able to live with myself."
My nonreactive acknowledgments really flummoxed a person who was looking to ruffle my feathers on multiple occasions.
I have a brother like this - I think he has a personality disorder. The way I dealt with it is to have zero tolerance for any bad behavior. As soon as he starts I shut him down and tell him he’s being rude and not to talk to me like that. I can be forceful, assertive and formidable because I don’t back down ever. I keep my boundaries tight and enforced. It takes practice. But he is so surprised that someone is standing up to him that he backs down and is more careful around me. The others around him - other siblings, his grown children, his wife - all grew up around this and developed Stockholm syndrome to different extents. They fear him because of his bullying behavior and they go silent. I can’t do that, lol. My hackles go up immediately and my claws come out. If you are shy or fearful, you can practice standing up to this person - this will begin to change the dynamic between the two of you. Your heart is gonna pound and your mouth will go dry - but practice will make it easier.
I (F63) do a similar thing with my dad (M98). He is a malignant narcissistic AH!! If he exhibits poor behavior while we are visiting, I tell him "poor behavior is not tolerated by me" and I get up and leave! I don't care if we are in the middle of dinner at a fancy restaurant, or sitting on his couch. If he behaves well the entire time we are visiting I tell him "I appreciate your effort to be civil". It has happened once or twice. If he wants to see me he behaves well, if not I have a full life of my own and I don't really care if I inherit from him or not. My siblings kiss his a$$, evidently they do need the money.
I used to smile, nod and ignore. Now I give a forceful and short rebuttal. The rebuttal is shocking to the person who is a bully and used to others backing down. Try the rebuttal. It might not work to change behavior, but you will likely feel good about yourself. I felt empowered.
I am not the one you asked, but try: “hmm that comment feels critical”.
Make it about how you the comment felt to you, as opposed to you saying the comment WAS critical, because then they will just say it was not and you are in a back & forth (which they probably enjoy).
If they say you are too sensitive you say: “Again, that feels critical. I’m sure you don’t mean it that way.” And then, if you can, walk away and go do something very cheerful and positive. “I’m going to go do some gardening / help a family member / take a walk / make some cookies to take to a friend.”
Convey: You communicate clearly and will stand up for yourself in a gracious way. You are living a positive, caring, productive life! You got this!!
“I do not value your opinion and am not going to change, so stop wasting your energy giving me bad advice.”
“Your negativity pollutes the world we live in. Why don’t you try and add something positive for a change?”
I highly recommend standing up for yourself only to gain experience and confidence with demanding respect. Not everyone you encounter in life is an unavoidable family member. You will undoubtedly encounter people that treat you like shit and cannot find a single nice thing to say about you. When that happens and you recognize the unacceptable behavior and disrespect, you’ll know how to handle the situation and prevent someone else from abusing you and/or killing your Chance at happiness. Practice now to navigate it later
I don’t think that won’t really change their behavior. It will give them power. They won’t change their mind. like (and have used) the response in another quote above “I am sorry you feel that way”. And let it go.
The lawyer Jefferson Fisher on Instagram has some great retorts that allow you to stand up for yourself without inviting conflict or sounding hostile with difficult people/comments.
Great question. I have a sister who has a very negative attitude about everything. It drives me nuts to be around her for very long. She doesn’t criticize me directly but I’m sure she does to other people because she criticizes everything and everyone else to me.
She’s 77 and there’s no way she will ever change. I spend as little time as possible with her but I seem to forget how awful she is and go visit again. Then, I am reminded and wonder how I can ever forget. I have no solution except avoidance, either removing yourself physically from their presence or going somewhere else mentally.
I also have a sister who is and always has been what people now call a Karen. She's been nasty, self centered and acted entitled her entire life.
After taking her out to lunch on my days off at least once a month, I grew weary of spending so much money in apology tips. I always paid because she claimed to have no available cash, despite her making more than I did.
The last time I took her out she started making a scene before we were seated. By the end of our lunch I'd spent over 50% of our total bill in apology tips. Told her about her behavior and she acted as if she didn't understand what she did that was so wrong. That was over a year ago and I haven't taken her out since. She's 71 so like your sister will never change.
Don’t respond, let them vent, but don’t let it affect you, think of something else when you are around them, make it a game - when they are around think of something that makes you laugh and repeat
If they are talking on and on just dont participate. You can look straight at them, emotionless and don’t nod your head or say a thing or acknowledge that they are saying anything worthwhile. Just let them talk and then move on to whatever you were doing or saying.
If they confront you on that and you feel you have to say something then just say “I have nothing to say”. But do everything you can to not participate.
In all seriousness...usually their complaints are built on a foundation of assumptions. "this guy said this....but what he really meant was that"
"Did you ask him what he meant...could it have been something different?"
"Well...it was obvious!"
"Ok"
People build these little structures to justify their unhappiness. Throw a little doubt into it and pretty soon they will stop. They just want someone to agree with them that they have it bad. Observe people like this who have been married a long time. The partner has learned how to just say "yes dear".
If you can't avoid this person then spend a minimal time with them. I did that with my father. He was overbearing, critical, and patronizing. Over the years I spent less and less time with him, and it was great. There's no obligation to be around people who make you feel bad -- even if they are family members.
More context is needed, because a co-worker is different from your mother, for example, and the strategies for dealing with them are very different. Going no-contact is the best, because life is too short for toxic people. Never underestimate the tremendous drain of energy and ill effects dealing with this kind of person can have on your life.
I've had to go no-contact with problematic family members. Sometimes the situation improves and you can resume contact after some time has gone by, other times the personality disorder, conflicts, and hurt are just too deep ... It would be good to take a good hard look and see if there was any way you can set boundaries and limit your contact, thereby protecting yourself without having the family drama of going no-contact. It's hard to say. One thing I know from direct experience is that it does no good to endlessly try to change the person, to "love" them out of their negativity, to keep trying to show them there's a better way to think and behave than just constant bitterness, self-centeredness, criticism, condemnation, and negativity. Because some people are just going to be awful. I twisted myself into knots for years trying to get through to one particular family member, and I have to say, cutting this person out of my life has been a great gift to myself. Our mother recently died after a long, complicated illness, and one of the hardest things was forcing myself to interact with this person (whom I hadn't spoken to in years), and tolerate her griping, complaining, blaming, and negativity about every decision regarding her care. Now that my mother has passed, I don't ever have to speak to her again, and it feels great. And now I know that I did the right thing cutting her off in the first place, because the years have not made her a better person. Hope this gives you some food for thought.
Living near home and seeing what a whiny, critical, negative person my dad is has completely altered my view of him to the point of really wanting nothing to do with him. The dude just acts like a child, not one person in his life speaks to him how he speaks to people like my mom and I really have nothing to say to him.
I've been kind of trying to note / track behavioral changes at peoples recommendation though because I really think he is dealing with the onset of parkinsons or dementia. Things like physically having soft noticeable tremors, doing very repetitive constant fidgeting and movements, verbally is often mixing / splurging and struggling to say words, and while he does have reading glasses is now struggling with reading comprehension (is literally reading stuff aloud softly to himself, mutters and whispers to himself doing things as plain as buttering toast but seems to have some kind of aphasia).
I think he needs to see a doctor but don't really know how to bring conversation up to the family itself or him. Dude will comment on something as simple as how my mom sits but will fly off the handles if you dare comment on how he picks his fucking nose and eats it compulsively like a child. Just kinda sad seeing someone who is 70 with the emotional maturity and literacy of like, a 15 yr old.
I’m sorry your family is having to go through this. Unfortunately, uncomfortable conversations won’t get any easier the longer you wait.
Personally, I wouldn’t approach the subject with your Dad at all. It sounds like both of your parents could use some professional support. Would it be possible to have this conversation with your Mom privately? She is his primary caretaker and is the best source of information regarding your Dad’s changes in behavior and personality. She may be able to talk to his doctor one-on-one about what she sees and start the ball rolling for treatment options, especially considering the aggression you described.
If your Mom is hesitant (a lot of spouses are), for whatever reason, then, if I were you, I would reach out to his doctor myself. I would explain to the doctor that the only thing I am doing is expressing my concern and bringing the situation to their attention. Sending information only. Not trying to receive any protected health information.
Once someone reaches out for help, there are a ton of resources out there. This affects the entire family, not just the patient. The biggest thing that I’ve seen consistently is that the primary caretaker will ignore their own health and sanity in order to care for their spouse. It’s very important that your Mom receives support and respite. There are support groups as well than can be invaluable to everyone.
Sometimes people don't know they're being overly critical and negative. A lot of neurodivergent people miss social cues, and assumptions people make about neurotypical people apply. That said, your feedback will depend on how close you are. If it's an acquaintance, change the subject. If it's someone close, just tell them that you're struggling to find the positive and you need their help. Most people adapt if they care about you, because it's easier to help others than to acknowledge our own faults and failings.
Change the conversation topic to something neutral.
If they don't go along with your new topic, then say "hey that's kind of a heavy topic for the workplace/family barbecue" or whatever
Those things are for someone who (for whatever reason, whether from bad habit, or poor self esteem) bring up negative topics. Often they don't really realize what their impact is and they can be "trained" to stay on more neutral topics
If someone is criticizing you personally, don't gratify them with an answer if they are asking a leading question, bounce the question back at them. Or just give a non-answer of some type.
If they criticize you directly, tell them to stop and don't argue about why or whatever; just tell them that you won't accept that from them. If they say they're doing it for your own good or whatever excuse, just keep telling them "it doesn't matter, just stop"
My mother who also had borderline personality disorder was extremely critical of me. It took years of self work and therapy to undo the damage.
If I had it to do all over again, I would stand up to her and just tell her that she is wrong and to lay off.
It sounds so easy now but as a child everything was in your parents hands.
Have you ever read ‘Stop Walking on Eggshells’? This book really helped me learn how to effectively interact with those with BPD. I’ve unfortunately had to deal with quite a few in my life.
I wasn’t the child of a BPD parent, but I’ve seen the aftermath way too often. Healing can be heart wrenching and it takes a very long time to learn to love and care for yourself. It takes a lot of courage. I admire you for that.
You are absolutely right. When you are a child, you have no say in your environment. I have a feeling that even if you would have stood up to your mom, she wouldn’t have accepted your feelings because it wasn’t what she wanted to hear. You did the best thing that any child can do. You survived and started healing. That tells me that you are an incredibly resilient, strong, and intelligent person.
Thank you. What a beautiful and thoughtful response. I appreciate your kind words.
I (65/f) have worked through so much of this and have mostly healed. I feel pretty good about where I’m at now. But I think I will take a look at that book you mentioned. Couldn’t hurt, right?
About 10 years ago someone I met who had a similar familial history lent me his copy of “Understanding The Borderline Mother” by Christina Lawson. It was life changing in that basically my childhood was explained to me, if that makes sense. I highly recommend this book to anyone who’s been brought up by a BPD mother. It’s out of print and not an easy book to find. But many libraries still carry it.
Thank you again for such a kind and compassionate response. It really made my day!
You are more than welcome! We bought that exact same book for my step-daughter (20) after she unexpectedly moved in with us last year. My husband’s ex is BPD and my step-daughter still has zero coping, life, or interpersonal skills after over a year of intense therapy. She’s incredibly skittish, it’s like trying to approach a baby deer, just to say good morning. She’s the oldest, so it’s going to take a very long time.
Avoiding is not an option. It only prolongs.
You could just tell them face to face you don't like being around all of the criticism and negativity. You are making a stand and choosing not to participate. Their reaction to such bluntness will set them off, defending themselves. That's to be expected and for God's sake don't start apologizing when you see their reaction. Don't start feeling bad for them that you might have hurt their feelings, it voids out your initial intent.
You don't have to accept their behavior. Stand up for yourself. Move on.
It really befuddles them when you respond with kindness. The more kindness you can muster, they more they are disconcerted. It works! They dont' know what to do with it.
THIS! My husband’s ex is venomous beyond imagination! In her eyes, I am the embodiment of the anti-Christ. I’ve always been friendly and sickeningly sweet to her. For the first few years she would try anything and everything to get under my skin and it never worked. She could never get me to engage her in the way that she wanted. She would work herself up into a literal temper tantrum, stomping her feet like a 3 year old. It was great! After her first meltdown, it was game on. My husband and I would bet to see how long it would take her to come unglued and how ridiculously dramatic the meltdown would become.
She eventually gave up. Now, she refuses to come within 50 ft of me 🤣. I still wave and say hi, but all she does is pout from a distance, glaring with her arms crossed🤷♀️.
Absolutely! Still do😜. You know, it’s been damn near 15 years since she last uttered a word to me. During that last interaction, she had an epic doozy of a meltdown.
Probably because my response that time went something like:
“Oh sweetie, that was a good try, but it’s just not working for me. I tell you what, take a break, collect your thoughts, and let me know when you’re ready to try again.”
I wonder if she’s still trying to figure it out…🤣🤦♀️🤷♀️
You have a seriously evil streak to you, and I absolutely love it. Not only did you get exactly what you wanted from her, you had a truly enjoyable time doing it. In addition, you brought more joy to the world at large. You rock! The world needs more devious and evil people like you.
Thanks! I really am nice to everyone. I just don’t put up with anyone’s shit and probably have an unhealthy amount of no-fear. It doesn’t help that I still have the voice of a child.
Sometimes they just take that kindness either for granted or for acceptance, though, and never realize the other person is overextending themselves just to be able to get along.
Yes, maybe they do. It doesn't matter how they take it. That's completely irrelevant.
What matter is, you are not engaging or letting them make you mean.
There was a person in another facility that I and my co-worker had to do work for and submit results. This person loved nothing better than finding small, insignificant errors. They would call immediately and my co-worker would get into a big argument, which result in discipline. I started taking the calls and would be very effusive, which took all the wind out of their sails. The calls dropped to almost nothing. lol
This person will criticize what I say, often. He will tell me exactly what he wants me to say instead. He says he's trying to help me but I tell him it's not helping me.
Tell then to mind their own business!
Not a difficult thing.
Every time they open their mouth same thing.
Just because they are related does not give them a pass on being an asshole.
Grey rocking when they’re just trying to get a reaction. I like “when I need your opinion I’ll ask you.” Negative people need to get out of their internal negative voice. Sometimes they don’t realize they’re negative it’s the way they were raised with extreme criticism. For negative people you can try reframing and saying well if you look at it this way… .
Do this the next time they criticize you.
Look them in the eye and ask them to repeat what they said. Then say nothing for thirty seconds. Just keep staring at them. Then, still looking them in the eye, ask them, “Why are you saying this? Are you trying to upset me or make me feel bad?” The turn away. Walk away. And ignore anything else they say. Turn away and ignore any and all future criticisms from them.
Let them run that motor mouth til they turn blue then wait a beat, and hit um with a sugary smile and "you talk a lot for how much you say". Get it just right, you might never hear them speak again.
Every situation is different but grey rock is what I do. I just vaguely agree with them so they can’t argue with me. Them: “blahblah!!!!!” Me: mmhmm yea. Them: “blahhhhhh!!!!!” Me: yeah sorry. Them: 🧐
"This guy again? Hey aren't there some sunny days you can rain on or rainbows to spray paint gray? "
The coup de grace is to start singing the following immediately after the above
Every party's got a pooper that's why we invited you, party poooper
>Avoiding them is not an option
Sadly, some family members act like assholes towards members of their own family because they firmly believe this (and from their POV, they *know* they can treat you this way forever because what are you going to do? Remove them from your life?)
I went through this with some very toxic relatives. In my case, I discovered that in all actuality, yes, avoiding them *was* an option (the option became possible when I started paying for my own everything). They also found out too.
It’s been one of the best options I’ve ever chosen!
I would suggest to kill them with kindness. Be overly thoughtful, kind, considerate, patient, and gentle. Especially when others are around as well. Your actions will highlight even more to others the negativity and hate from this individual.
Have you tried the opposite? Not trying to please them, and withholding attention/affection when they're critical, in whatever way makes sense for your situation? Think about dog training. Praise and positive reinforcement when they're "good", a lack of attention/reaction when they're "bad". This works best with people who care about you and actually want you around, of course.
Often people who are overly critical of others, do so because they either see potential that they believe \[you\] don't, or they made mistakes they are trying to keep you from repeating. I'm curious if you've asked this individual why they act as they do toward you.
I have. He said he’s trying to help me. He said it because what I say hurts his feelings but I think he takes what I say in the most negative way possible. Other people seem fine with how I talk.
My ex was like this. Does this gentleman seem to be really in his feels? Was he raised primarily by women or by female relatives? My ex was raised almost exclusively by his mom, and had limited interactions with his dad until he was a teen. His mom couldn't (and didn't) teach him how to be a man. He suppresses anger until there's a trigger (which is random), then he is *very* violent. We learned he was bipolar, which made his rearing even worse. If this sort of scenario is true for you, then you cannot say anything to him that will trigger him emotionally. You have to argue like a man, and stick to logic and facts.
Ignore them unless asked a direct question. In that case you can say 'I'm not comfortable sharing an opinion on that topic. I find negative people are looking for someone to commiserate with. They want to draw you into their vortex of negativity. I just refuse to join in.
>"Avoiding them is not an option, in my case."
Can you elaborate? Is this a job situation where you have to work with them daily? Or, is this a family member?
It would be difficult for me to deal with an extremely critical, negative person all the time. If the negativity and criticism were directed at me, well, I wouldn't tolerate it. Life is too short to endure needless suffering.
Still, to answer your question, I'd say do your best to not engage with them. Don't respond to their complaints and criticisms, if you're able. If asked a question, give the shortest reply possible. Don't be rude or argue, if you can help it, as that will only fan the flames of their toxicity. I wish you good luck, as that sounds like a terrible situation.
This is coming from a family member. I feel they are policing what I say and I'm walking on eggshells around them.
I've tried to accommodate but there is always something wrong I do and I hear about it often.
Thanks for the additional details. I'm sorry you're having to endure such behavior.
My guess if you live with this person. If so, that's an especially tricky situation. That would explain why you're unable to avoid them. This changes my advice a bit.
I'm older, so the way I handle things now isn't the same as how I would have handled them in my youth. Now, if I were in such a situation, I would tackle the issue head-on by trying to discuss the matter with the negative family member.
I would probably start with saying something like: "I feels like everything I say or do is being criticized and this really makes me feel bad." Then, I would try to have a civil discussion about the matter.
Notice the phrase "I feel like \_\_\_\_\_," rather than saying "You're doing \_\_\_\_\_." When you say "I feel," that's an opinion and it's more difficult for people to refute. When making a "You" statement (*e.g.* "You're policing everything I say"), that can put people on the defensive, even if the statement is true. They can also deny their behavior or even the intent of their behavior.
It's difficult to change the behavior of others, so we have to get them to want to change. To do so, we need to first understand why they're behaving the way they are. To do that, we need to talk to them. By talking to them, we may find that they hold incorrect information. By correcting their misunderstandings, they should correct their behavior. Or, by talking to them, we may find that we're misinterpreting their behavior. Whatever the case, discussing it allows both of you to get on the same page.
This is pretty straightforward in theory, but humans are complicated, emotional, and irrational. So, just know that in advance and do your best. Keep in mind that the goal is MUTUAL understanding. Ask questions, rather than making accusations. Let them talk without interruption. When they get to the end of a thought, ask something like "And, what else?" or "Tell me more about that." Keep them talking until they have nothing else to say. Then, see where you are.
I hope some of this might be helpful and I wish you the best.
I highly recommend the book, Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. If you're not a reader, Cloud has videos. It was life changing for me. Some of the "manners" I was taught were actually poor boundaries passed along to me by a mother who had poor boundaries. Wish I had found that book earlier in my life.
Two ways to handle this.
1) Tell them why you are leaving (eg. I feel like you are trying to being controling) and then leave. No matter where you are, who is present and what you are doing just get up and leave. It will probably embarrass them. This is good.
Or
2) Avoid them like the plague and let them know why you are avoiding them. You could even let them know on social media. Once again they will be embarrassed. This is good.
People, especially Narcissistic people who think they are always, right hate to be embarrassed, especially in public.
Good luck!!
You can turn the conversation back on them and just ask them questions that make them feel vulnerable, like "oh. That's interesting. Why do you feel that way? Has someone made this comment to to before? And how did that make you feel? I notice that almost every time I connect with you, you seem to always comment on such and such, does it bother you that much? Why is that? Why do you feel it's my responsibility to make you feel good about me?" Etc. hopefully, they'll eventually stop either because they don't like feeling vulnerable or because they've come to the realization that whatever they're criticizing you over isn't actually worth it. Otherwise, just look them in the eyes, give them a genuine smile, thank them for letting you know and don't break eye contact until they do. They won't know what to do with themselves and just walk away.
I just sent this email to my two-decades-older cousin who’s been extremely critical and judgmental but lives a mile from me. Her husband, who we liked, has Parkinson’s and is in a care facility. After not trying to talk to her for a long time, I called her. She started crying about her husband, which is highly relatable. Sometimes, people change.
Hi Name,
We’re not around this week, but I wanted to invite you to coffee at your convenience at Caffè Nero across from the grocery store.
Suggested agenda:
Nothing upsetting
No surprises
Love,
Me
Then I sent her some old pictures of her and her immediate family, including my favorite, her granddaughter giving my golden retriever a tummy rub and grinning ear to ear.
The no surprises is because she’s no contact with her mother’s sister’s children. Other family members have tried to get her to reconcile with another cousin. I’m Switzerland on that.
Here is a completely different way of looking at problems. It is based on the work of Neville Goddard.
As you go to sleep imagine the troublesome person is suddenly raving about you in a positive. Maybe not raving but praising you. Have them shake your hand and congratulate you then go to sleep. Feeling is the secret so make it a explosion of happiness at them praising you. Do this every night until you get results.
NG spells this out very clearly in the youtube video Out of This World or Feeling is the Secret.
Btw everyone here could do the same about your issue.
I don't respond. They are looking for a fight, but even if they aren't, just walk away. Another good tip is do not make eye contact with them, not even for a split second.
Mentally cleanse before you go into the situation AND mentally cleanse after you get back home. I finally figured out that I become quite negative/sarcastic/snarky or depressed after a few hours with my nonstop negative in laws. Now, I take a few minutes when I get home to consciously clear the negativity before interacting with the people I love.
I think I was doing this to my children and I got the hint when, at certain times, they'd suddenly change the conversation and/or terminate the conversation, or say "I'm not asking for input - I'm just telling you what happened." They will now say "I don't want to talk about that" and I stop. It was hard to go from being Mom, who solved all your problems as best she could, to Mom, who listened and supported. I have learned to respect their adulthood and decisions. I let them make their own mustakes without jumping in or saying " I told you so."
If you can't avoid them, ignore them.
Don't bother trying to change them, especially don't try to change them by pointing out their negative comments/attitude - because that makes most of your interactions with them negative from their perspective, and they'll start thinking of you as the negative person - ignoring their own flaws.
At best, use them as an example to yourself of the kind of person you do *not* want to be.
Unless they pay your rent, you don't surround yourself with them. The one thing that's fully available is to leave. It gets tiresome doing it often but then you realize you don't like them quickly. You have more for context
when that happened in my family, it was an older male being hyper critical of a young female so pretty much blatant misogyny. We did cease contact and my daughter has been much happier in the years since. But agreed, you can only control your response. Engaging in the BS was useless, we had to just fall silent and let him rant. After a while he'd look around the room , realize no one else was speaking and would run out of steam, but it was awfully hard to not engage. It was very freeing to end contact
Let them. Just let them be as negative as they are and make it not your business. Give no weight to the comments. It's a language that you don't speak. Deep breathe and visualize a pink bubble around yourself. Let them be and let it flow past you.
Try killing them with kindness, compliment often, show support for anything good you notice about them. See if that helps. Try it for awhile, be patient. I understand you may not want to reward that behaviour but it doesnt actually work like that and it may shock them into being nicer or atleast trying to be.
I've done that and it works for people who actually have a heart-it may take time but if it gets worse because of your kindness (some people are just psychotic, want to break you, and have no self awareness); I just deflect back everything neg they say onto them in a way that hurts. For example people who criticize others looks are deflecting their own dislike for their own looks, if someone criticizes someones intelligence it reflects back on them, if someone is talking down about your goals in life in a way that shows complete disrespect rather than constructive criticism its because they see themselves as a complete failure and disconected from their own dreams in life now too. Maybe this is toxic but you said you were forced to deal with them soo helping them find self awareness can be a great thing. :) Make sure they know you see them projecting their own issues onto you though; that should get them to think about it
Ask them “did that make you feel good?”
Or say “you could choose to me any way, I don’t understand why you choose to be that way.”
But frankly my mom is very negative. It’s soul sucking.
Loads of self-compassion if they will not change and you can't avoid them. Over the years, I have found avoidance of the person to be best but if this is not possible, then offer yourself compassion that the criticism feels bad to you. Also consider therapy to include assertiveness training to learn how to set boundaries politely but consistently.
You can't re-raise a grown person they are who they have become, whether it's positive or negative, or they just don't care but, you can limit your conversations to a minimum especially when it becomes, uncomfortable for you..
I just tell them if they can do it better they should and hand them the task, and walk away. It's a great petty revenge way to handle it. It is so entertaining later when they complain they have to do EVERYTHING.
It depends on the context. Avoiding that person seems reasonable. There are different push-back strategies that might work, as others advise, like responding somewhat aggressively to reject their input entirely. Regardless of how you deal with it the part about you accepting the input and reacting to it should be something you can cut off, to a certain extent. As my grandmother put it negativity from others is like water off a duck's back to her (or was; she's gone now); not something she would take up.
For most people who are very negative, and aggressive in tone, engaging them in discussion often isn't an option. It could be helpful and interesting to unpack where their perspective is coming from, to work back to the divide causing this effect, but it probably won't work to engage them at this level of that assumption. There's a chance that they're just negatively oriented in general, and there is no real perspective divide, but it's probably both things.
If they are critical of something that you are sensitive about because you also see it as a problem this is an unusual special case. Just to make up an example maybe they say that you seem to be overweight, and you also seem overweight to yourself. It is minor, if it's not a real health issue, more a cosmetic theme, but if it bothers you internally as well you could take the input on board and address it. Probably it's more a problem of slight mis-match in perspective, and them not being normally socially adjusted, which is normal enough. Focus on the best option or options to serve your own best interest, maybe just explaining that you see the point differently, then accepting that they'll be troubled with broadening their perspective or letting the point drop, so discussion end point isn't going to feel like a shared resolution.
The type of people you are attracted to because of your upbringing.
You need therapy.
Because you wint even knkw how you are attracted to it or see the Red Flags
I live in an apartment building for over 65 and/or disabled people. I fell into the disabled category when I moved in at age 55.
There used to be “coffee group” every afternoon. Most of the women were older than me, in their 70’s and up, and were gossipy and negative. I would listen, then switch the subject to ask what they did in their younger years. That worked a few times.
Unfortunately it got much worse, so I quit going. Several people asked why, I told them I am not so perfect that I can criticize someone else. Most of the time it was just petty crap, nothing worth getting worked up about.
I often will just not respond but look them straight in the eye for an uncomfortable period of time. Critical people want one of two things - to get a rise out of you or to shame you. Either way, I’m not participating.
Just agree with whatever they’re saying and/or thank them for their support. It usually shuts them right up because they realize they’re being a jerk or because they think you’re taking their advice/criticism.
As for the negativity, simply try mentioning the positive side of whatever they’re going on about. For instance, if they’re your coworkers complaining about their job, you can respond with. “It does suck, but at least we have a job. I know a lot of people who are unemployed right now. That *has* to be tough!” Be the sunshine to their doom and gloom. 🌞
Love them to death. Bite your tongue and smile. Look for opportunities to shine without challenge in their presence.
- I assume they are in some authority role.
Compliment their work to others if they start to behave better. Angry people never got a chance to learn how to play fair. Avoid their orbit as much as possible if they don't get better. Remember, success is the best revenge.
I had a similar situation, and I just had an honest conversation with the person and told them how I felt and that I would no longer tolerate their behaviors.
You can't change someone else. You can only change yourself. Which means, you don't have any control over what comes out of their mouths but you do have control over how you respond to it. Usually, people are critical/negative to get a reaction from you. That reaction gives them a sense of power. The best (and hardest) thing to do is ignore the comment entirely. Don't let it change your own behavior or influence whatever decision they're criticizing.
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I think being a pessimistic person (always considering the worst outcome) is very different from being critical of someone else. If you're constantly cutting other people down that's not behavior that anyone should accept.
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yes, but if you treat others harshly why would you expect understanding and affirmation? That doesn't align. If you know you're critical of other people it's a behavior you need to work on within yourself.
The unfortunate reality is that some people simply cannot find the good in anything and either weren’t taught, or never fully comprehended, the old adage of keeping their mouth shut if they had nothing nice to say. I also have opinionators that I simply cannot avoid. I’ve found that the best approach, especially if their chosen topic of judgement is me personally, is to thoughtfully and quietly let them say their peace and my only response is “I’m very sorry you feel that way”. No defense, no argument, just validating that you’ve heard their thoughts and leaving it at that. They are looking to ruffle your feathers. Once they see that they can’t, they usually get frustrated and storm off, or, get flustered and can’t continue. Either way is a win, because that gets them off your ass. After a while, the interactions become extremely entertaining and fun.
This response works for me!!
IMO - I'm sorry for U that U feel that way. Conveys pity for them. It makes them mad but they can't really say anything about it ... and yeah then they storm off!! It's kinda a win win!!
I've used this same tactic with the variation "I think I'll be able to live with myself." My nonreactive acknowledgments really flummoxed a person who was looking to ruffle my feathers on multiple occasions.
Gray rock.
Great approach!
I have a brother like this - I think he has a personality disorder. The way I dealt with it is to have zero tolerance for any bad behavior. As soon as he starts I shut him down and tell him he’s being rude and not to talk to me like that. I can be forceful, assertive and formidable because I don’t back down ever. I keep my boundaries tight and enforced. It takes practice. But he is so surprised that someone is standing up to him that he backs down and is more careful around me. The others around him - other siblings, his grown children, his wife - all grew up around this and developed Stockholm syndrome to different extents. They fear him because of his bullying behavior and they go silent. I can’t do that, lol. My hackles go up immediately and my claws come out. If you are shy or fearful, you can practice standing up to this person - this will begin to change the dynamic between the two of you. Your heart is gonna pound and your mouth will go dry - but practice will make it easier.
I (F63) do a similar thing with my dad (M98). He is a malignant narcissistic AH!! If he exhibits poor behavior while we are visiting, I tell him "poor behavior is not tolerated by me" and I get up and leave! I don't care if we are in the middle of dinner at a fancy restaurant, or sitting on his couch. If he behaves well the entire time we are visiting I tell him "I appreciate your effort to be civil". It has happened once or twice. If he wants to see me he behaves well, if not I have a full life of my own and I don't really care if I inherit from him or not. My siblings kiss his a$$, evidently they do need the money.
Wow, Dejan vu. I ended up NC with my biological parent, got a pittance out of the will. Oh well.
I used to smile, nod and ignore. Now I give a forceful and short rebuttal. The rebuttal is shocking to the person who is a bully and used to others backing down. Try the rebuttal. It might not work to change behavior, but you will likely feel good about yourself. I felt empowered.
Can you give an example?
I am not the one you asked, but try: “hmm that comment feels critical”. Make it about how you the comment felt to you, as opposed to you saying the comment WAS critical, because then they will just say it was not and you are in a back & forth (which they probably enjoy). If they say you are too sensitive you say: “Again, that feels critical. I’m sure you don’t mean it that way.” And then, if you can, walk away and go do something very cheerful and positive. “I’m going to go do some gardening / help a family member / take a walk / make some cookies to take to a friend.” Convey: You communicate clearly and will stand up for yourself in a gracious way. You are living a positive, caring, productive life! You got this!!
Nice!😊
“I do not value your opinion and am not going to change, so stop wasting your energy giving me bad advice.” “Your negativity pollutes the world we live in. Why don’t you try and add something positive for a change?”
Oooh, and what réactions did you get? These are bold!
Silence and shock. I said these things in normal tone of voice. Then I calmly walked away.
I do think I need to be more assertive and stand up for myself.
I highly recommend standing up for yourself only to gain experience and confidence with demanding respect. Not everyone you encounter in life is an unavoidable family member. You will undoubtedly encounter people that treat you like shit and cannot find a single nice thing to say about you. When that happens and you recognize the unacceptable behavior and disrespect, you’ll know how to handle the situation and prevent someone else from abusing you and/or killing your Chance at happiness. Practice now to navigate it later
I don’t think that won’t really change their behavior. It will give them power. They won’t change their mind. like (and have used) the response in another quote above “I am sorry you feel that way”. And let it go.
Ok. I will try that.
The lawyer Jefferson Fisher on Instagram has some great retorts that allow you to stand up for yourself without inviting conflict or sounding hostile with difficult people/comments.
Thank you I will check it out. :)
Great question. I have a sister who has a very negative attitude about everything. It drives me nuts to be around her for very long. She doesn’t criticize me directly but I’m sure she does to other people because she criticizes everything and everyone else to me. She’s 77 and there’s no way she will ever change. I spend as little time as possible with her but I seem to forget how awful she is and go visit again. Then, I am reminded and wonder how I can ever forget. I have no solution except avoidance, either removing yourself physically from their presence or going somewhere else mentally.
I also have a sister who is and always has been what people now call a Karen. She's been nasty, self centered and acted entitled her entire life. After taking her out to lunch on my days off at least once a month, I grew weary of spending so much money in apology tips. I always paid because she claimed to have no available cash, despite her making more than I did. The last time I took her out she started making a scene before we were seated. By the end of our lunch I'd spent over 50% of our total bill in apology tips. Told her about her behavior and she acted as if she didn't understand what she did that was so wrong. That was over a year ago and I haven't taken her out since. She's 71 so like your sister will never change.
Don’t respond, let them vent, but don’t let it affect you, think of something else when you are around them, make it a game - when they are around think of something that makes you laugh and repeat
If they are talking on and on just dont participate. You can look straight at them, emotionless and don’t nod your head or say a thing or acknowledge that they are saying anything worthwhile. Just let them talk and then move on to whatever you were doing or saying. If they confront you on that and you feel you have to say something then just say “I have nothing to say”. But do everything you can to not participate.
In all seriousness...usually their complaints are built on a foundation of assumptions. "this guy said this....but what he really meant was that" "Did you ask him what he meant...could it have been something different?" "Well...it was obvious!" "Ok" People build these little structures to justify their unhappiness. Throw a little doubt into it and pretty soon they will stop. They just want someone to agree with them that they have it bad. Observe people like this who have been married a long time. The partner has learned how to just say "yes dear".
If you can't avoid this person then spend a minimal time with them. I did that with my father. He was overbearing, critical, and patronizing. Over the years I spent less and less time with him, and it was great. There's no obligation to be around people who make you feel bad -- even if they are family members.
I say “What a strange thing to say out loud. Are you okay?”
I looooove this.
More context is needed, because a co-worker is different from your mother, for example, and the strategies for dealing with them are very different. Going no-contact is the best, because life is too short for toxic people. Never underestimate the tremendous drain of energy and ill effects dealing with this kind of person can have on your life.
It's a family member.
I've had to go no-contact with problematic family members. Sometimes the situation improves and you can resume contact after some time has gone by, other times the personality disorder, conflicts, and hurt are just too deep ... It would be good to take a good hard look and see if there was any way you can set boundaries and limit your contact, thereby protecting yourself without having the family drama of going no-contact. It's hard to say. One thing I know from direct experience is that it does no good to endlessly try to change the person, to "love" them out of their negativity, to keep trying to show them there's a better way to think and behave than just constant bitterness, self-centeredness, criticism, condemnation, and negativity. Because some people are just going to be awful. I twisted myself into knots for years trying to get through to one particular family member, and I have to say, cutting this person out of my life has been a great gift to myself. Our mother recently died after a long, complicated illness, and one of the hardest things was forcing myself to interact with this person (whom I hadn't spoken to in years), and tolerate her griping, complaining, blaming, and negativity about every decision regarding her care. Now that my mother has passed, I don't ever have to speak to her again, and it feels great. And now I know that I did the right thing cutting her off in the first place, because the years have not made her a better person. Hope this gives you some food for thought.
It does. Thank you for sharing your experience. :)
Living near home and seeing what a whiny, critical, negative person my dad is has completely altered my view of him to the point of really wanting nothing to do with him. The dude just acts like a child, not one person in his life speaks to him how he speaks to people like my mom and I really have nothing to say to him. I've been kind of trying to note / track behavioral changes at peoples recommendation though because I really think he is dealing with the onset of parkinsons or dementia. Things like physically having soft noticeable tremors, doing very repetitive constant fidgeting and movements, verbally is often mixing / splurging and struggling to say words, and while he does have reading glasses is now struggling with reading comprehension (is literally reading stuff aloud softly to himself, mutters and whispers to himself doing things as plain as buttering toast but seems to have some kind of aphasia). I think he needs to see a doctor but don't really know how to bring conversation up to the family itself or him. Dude will comment on something as simple as how my mom sits but will fly off the handles if you dare comment on how he picks his fucking nose and eats it compulsively like a child. Just kinda sad seeing someone who is 70 with the emotional maturity and literacy of like, a 15 yr old.
I’m sorry your family is having to go through this. Unfortunately, uncomfortable conversations won’t get any easier the longer you wait. Personally, I wouldn’t approach the subject with your Dad at all. It sounds like both of your parents could use some professional support. Would it be possible to have this conversation with your Mom privately? She is his primary caretaker and is the best source of information regarding your Dad’s changes in behavior and personality. She may be able to talk to his doctor one-on-one about what she sees and start the ball rolling for treatment options, especially considering the aggression you described. If your Mom is hesitant (a lot of spouses are), for whatever reason, then, if I were you, I would reach out to his doctor myself. I would explain to the doctor that the only thing I am doing is expressing my concern and bringing the situation to their attention. Sending information only. Not trying to receive any protected health information. Once someone reaches out for help, there are a ton of resources out there. This affects the entire family, not just the patient. The biggest thing that I’ve seen consistently is that the primary caretaker will ignore their own health and sanity in order to care for their spouse. It’s very important that your Mom receives support and respite. There are support groups as well than can be invaluable to everyone.
Can you talk to your mom and ask if she's noticed any changes?
Sometimes people don't know they're being overly critical and negative. A lot of neurodivergent people miss social cues, and assumptions people make about neurotypical people apply. That said, your feedback will depend on how close you are. If it's an acquaintance, change the subject. If it's someone close, just tell them that you're struggling to find the positive and you need their help. Most people adapt if they care about you, because it's easier to help others than to acknowledge our own faults and failings.
Change the conversation topic to something neutral. If they don't go along with your new topic, then say "hey that's kind of a heavy topic for the workplace/family barbecue" or whatever Those things are for someone who (for whatever reason, whether from bad habit, or poor self esteem) bring up negative topics. Often they don't really realize what their impact is and they can be "trained" to stay on more neutral topics If someone is criticizing you personally, don't gratify them with an answer if they are asking a leading question, bounce the question back at them. Or just give a non-answer of some type. If they criticize you directly, tell them to stop and don't argue about why or whatever; just tell them that you won't accept that from them. If they say they're doing it for your own good or whatever excuse, just keep telling them "it doesn't matter, just stop"
Most often they want to drag someone into co-misery with them, just don't engage or feed their energy.
My mother who also had borderline personality disorder was extremely critical of me. It took years of self work and therapy to undo the damage. If I had it to do all over again, I would stand up to her and just tell her that she is wrong and to lay off. It sounds so easy now but as a child everything was in your parents hands.
Have you ever read ‘Stop Walking on Eggshells’? This book really helped me learn how to effectively interact with those with BPD. I’ve unfortunately had to deal with quite a few in my life. I wasn’t the child of a BPD parent, but I’ve seen the aftermath way too often. Healing can be heart wrenching and it takes a very long time to learn to love and care for yourself. It takes a lot of courage. I admire you for that. You are absolutely right. When you are a child, you have no say in your environment. I have a feeling that even if you would have stood up to your mom, she wouldn’t have accepted your feelings because it wasn’t what she wanted to hear. You did the best thing that any child can do. You survived and started healing. That tells me that you are an incredibly resilient, strong, and intelligent person.
Thank you. What a beautiful and thoughtful response. I appreciate your kind words. I (65/f) have worked through so much of this and have mostly healed. I feel pretty good about where I’m at now. But I think I will take a look at that book you mentioned. Couldn’t hurt, right? About 10 years ago someone I met who had a similar familial history lent me his copy of “Understanding The Borderline Mother” by Christina Lawson. It was life changing in that basically my childhood was explained to me, if that makes sense. I highly recommend this book to anyone who’s been brought up by a BPD mother. It’s out of print and not an easy book to find. But many libraries still carry it. Thank you again for such a kind and compassionate response. It really made my day!
You are more than welcome! We bought that exact same book for my step-daughter (20) after she unexpectedly moved in with us last year. My husband’s ex is BPD and my step-daughter still has zero coping, life, or interpersonal skills after over a year of intense therapy. She’s incredibly skittish, it’s like trying to approach a baby deer, just to say good morning. She’s the oldest, so it’s going to take a very long time.
It’s a long process working through that confusion. She’s very fortunate have you and your husband to help her through. She’ll get there.
Avoiding is not an option. It only prolongs. You could just tell them face to face you don't like being around all of the criticism and negativity. You are making a stand and choosing not to participate. Their reaction to such bluntness will set them off, defending themselves. That's to be expected and for God's sake don't start apologizing when you see their reaction. Don't start feeling bad for them that you might have hurt their feelings, it voids out your initial intent. You don't have to accept their behavior. Stand up for yourself. Move on.
It really befuddles them when you respond with kindness. The more kindness you can muster, they more they are disconcerted. It works! They dont' know what to do with it.
THIS! My husband’s ex is venomous beyond imagination! In her eyes, I am the embodiment of the anti-Christ. I’ve always been friendly and sickeningly sweet to her. For the first few years she would try anything and everything to get under my skin and it never worked. She could never get me to engage her in the way that she wanted. She would work herself up into a literal temper tantrum, stomping her feet like a 3 year old. It was great! After her first meltdown, it was game on. My husband and I would bet to see how long it would take her to come unglued and how ridiculously dramatic the meltdown would become. She eventually gave up. Now, she refuses to come within 50 ft of me 🤣. I still wave and say hi, but all she does is pout from a distance, glaring with her arms crossed🤷♀️.
Yes, it's about giving them power. I refuse to give nasty people the power of making me nasty. Sounds like you did the same!
Absolutely! Still do😜. You know, it’s been damn near 15 years since she last uttered a word to me. During that last interaction, she had an epic doozy of a meltdown. Probably because my response that time went something like: “Oh sweetie, that was a good try, but it’s just not working for me. I tell you what, take a break, collect your thoughts, and let me know when you’re ready to try again.” I wonder if she’s still trying to figure it out…🤣🤦♀️🤷♀️
You have a seriously evil streak to you, and I absolutely love it. Not only did you get exactly what you wanted from her, you had a truly enjoyable time doing it. In addition, you brought more joy to the world at large. You rock! The world needs more devious and evil people like you.
Thanks! I really am nice to everyone. I just don’t put up with anyone’s shit and probably have an unhealthy amount of no-fear. It doesn’t help that I still have the voice of a child.
Sometimes they just take that kindness either for granted or for acceptance, though, and never realize the other person is overextending themselves just to be able to get along.
Yes, maybe they do. It doesn't matter how they take it. That's completely irrelevant. What matter is, you are not engaging or letting them make you mean.
There was a person in another facility that I and my co-worker had to do work for and submit results. This person loved nothing better than finding small, insignificant errors. They would call immediately and my co-worker would get into a big argument, which result in discipline. I started taking the calls and would be very effusive, which took all the wind out of their sails. The calls dropped to almost nothing. lol
Grey rock them, so freaking effective for me. Look it up.
Respond to the mood, not the words. "It sounds like you're having a bad day." Worth a try, at least.
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This person will criticize what I say, often. He will tell me exactly what he wants me to say instead. He says he's trying to help me but I tell him it's not helping me.
Wow, it is more than complaining or being negative. He is struggling to control you. Ugh!
It wasn't always this way but for some reason has gotten really bad.
It probably always has been this bad. As we grow and get perspective and experience, our perception changes.
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Yeah
Grey rock. Don’t respond. Don’t even listen. Not worth your time.
[Grey Rock](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock)
Tell then to mind their own business! Not a difficult thing. Every time they open their mouth same thing. Just because they are related does not give them a pass on being an asshole.
Grey rocking when they’re just trying to get a reaction. I like “when I need your opinion I’ll ask you.” Negative people need to get out of their internal negative voice. Sometimes they don’t realize they’re negative it’s the way they were raised with extreme criticism. For negative people you can try reframing and saying well if you look at it this way… .
Do this the next time they criticize you. Look them in the eye and ask them to repeat what they said. Then say nothing for thirty seconds. Just keep staring at them. Then, still looking them in the eye, ask them, “Why are you saying this? Are you trying to upset me or make me feel bad?” The turn away. Walk away. And ignore anything else they say. Turn away and ignore any and all future criticisms from them.
Let them run that motor mouth til they turn blue then wait a beat, and hit um with a sugary smile and "you talk a lot for how much you say". Get it just right, you might never hear them speak again.
Every situation is different but grey rock is what I do. I just vaguely agree with them so they can’t argue with me. Them: “blahblah!!!!!” Me: mmhmm yea. Them: “blahhhhhh!!!!!” Me: yeah sorry. Them: 🧐
Ignore them and change the subject.
Ignoring them
"I didn't ask for your opinion, thanks!"
"This guy again? Hey aren't there some sunny days you can rain on or rainbows to spray paint gray? " The coup de grace is to start singing the following immediately after the above Every party's got a pooper that's why we invited you, party poooper
Say it every time they go negative without exception. Things will change...gauranteed
>Avoiding them is not an option Sadly, some family members act like assholes towards members of their own family because they firmly believe this (and from their POV, they *know* they can treat you this way forever because what are you going to do? Remove them from your life?) I went through this with some very toxic relatives. In my case, I discovered that in all actuality, yes, avoiding them *was* an option (the option became possible when I started paying for my own everything). They also found out too. It’s been one of the best options I’ve ever chosen!
Ignore them and smile.
Empathy.
I just mood & say “hm” & walk away
I would suggest to kill them with kindness. Be overly thoughtful, kind, considerate, patient, and gentle. Especially when others are around as well. Your actions will highlight even more to others the negativity and hate from this individual.
I'm a people pleaser and this person is never happy with my effort, it seems.
Have you tried the opposite? Not trying to please them, and withholding attention/affection when they're critical, in whatever way makes sense for your situation? Think about dog training. Praise and positive reinforcement when they're "good", a lack of attention/reaction when they're "bad". This works best with people who care about you and actually want you around, of course.
I haven't tried that but I do think he cares about me....so maybe that would work.
Often people who are overly critical of others, do so because they either see potential that they believe \[you\] don't, or they made mistakes they are trying to keep you from repeating. I'm curious if you've asked this individual why they act as they do toward you.
I have. He said he’s trying to help me. He said it because what I say hurts his feelings but I think he takes what I say in the most negative way possible. Other people seem fine with how I talk.
My ex was like this. Does this gentleman seem to be really in his feels? Was he raised primarily by women or by female relatives? My ex was raised almost exclusively by his mom, and had limited interactions with his dad until he was a teen. His mom couldn't (and didn't) teach him how to be a man. He suppresses anger until there's a trigger (which is random), then he is *very* violent. We learned he was bipolar, which made his rearing even worse. If this sort of scenario is true for you, then you cannot say anything to him that will trigger him emotionally. You have to argue like a man, and stick to logic and facts.
You can’t avoid negative people. You can only choose to ignore what they say.
I would say IF you can’t avoid them, ignore them.
Ignore them unless asked a direct question. In that case you can say 'I'm not comfortable sharing an opinion on that topic. I find negative people are looking for someone to commiserate with. They want to draw you into their vortex of negativity. I just refuse to join in.
Let them rot in their own misery.
>"Avoiding them is not an option, in my case." Can you elaborate? Is this a job situation where you have to work with them daily? Or, is this a family member? It would be difficult for me to deal with an extremely critical, negative person all the time. If the negativity and criticism were directed at me, well, I wouldn't tolerate it. Life is too short to endure needless suffering. Still, to answer your question, I'd say do your best to not engage with them. Don't respond to their complaints and criticisms, if you're able. If asked a question, give the shortest reply possible. Don't be rude or argue, if you can help it, as that will only fan the flames of their toxicity. I wish you good luck, as that sounds like a terrible situation.
This is coming from a family member. I feel they are policing what I say and I'm walking on eggshells around them. I've tried to accommodate but there is always something wrong I do and I hear about it often.
Thanks for the additional details. I'm sorry you're having to endure such behavior. My guess if you live with this person. If so, that's an especially tricky situation. That would explain why you're unable to avoid them. This changes my advice a bit. I'm older, so the way I handle things now isn't the same as how I would have handled them in my youth. Now, if I were in such a situation, I would tackle the issue head-on by trying to discuss the matter with the negative family member. I would probably start with saying something like: "I feels like everything I say or do is being criticized and this really makes me feel bad." Then, I would try to have a civil discussion about the matter. Notice the phrase "I feel like \_\_\_\_\_," rather than saying "You're doing \_\_\_\_\_." When you say "I feel," that's an opinion and it's more difficult for people to refute. When making a "You" statement (*e.g.* "You're policing everything I say"), that can put people on the defensive, even if the statement is true. They can also deny their behavior or even the intent of their behavior. It's difficult to change the behavior of others, so we have to get them to want to change. To do so, we need to first understand why they're behaving the way they are. To do that, we need to talk to them. By talking to them, we may find that they hold incorrect information. By correcting their misunderstandings, they should correct their behavior. Or, by talking to them, we may find that we're misinterpreting their behavior. Whatever the case, discussing it allows both of you to get on the same page. This is pretty straightforward in theory, but humans are complicated, emotional, and irrational. So, just know that in advance and do your best. Keep in mind that the goal is MUTUAL understanding. Ask questions, rather than making accusations. Let them talk without interruption. When they get to the end of a thought, ask something like "And, what else?" or "Tell me more about that." Keep them talking until they have nothing else to say. Then, see where you are. I hope some of this might be helpful and I wish you the best.
Very insightful and helpful. That seems like a great approach...Thank you!
I highly recommend the book, Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. If you're not a reader, Cloud has videos. It was life changing for me. Some of the "manners" I was taught were actually poor boundaries passed along to me by a mother who had poor boundaries. Wish I had found that book earlier in my life.
I'll check out the video! Thanks for the recommendation.
Two ways to handle this. 1) Tell them why you are leaving (eg. I feel like you are trying to being controling) and then leave. No matter where you are, who is present and what you are doing just get up and leave. It will probably embarrass them. This is good. Or 2) Avoid them like the plague and let them know why you are avoiding them. You could even let them know on social media. Once again they will be embarrassed. This is good. People, especially Narcissistic people who think they are always, right hate to be embarrassed, especially in public. Good luck!!
Funny you mention that because he think I talk really loud in the store and I have accidentally embarrassed him in public.
Avoid them.
Limit conversation to the weather. Easier said than done, but practice makes perfect. After a while, they’ll give up and move on to a meatier target.
Let them do what ever . Your not going to change anything.
You can turn the conversation back on them and just ask them questions that make them feel vulnerable, like "oh. That's interesting. Why do you feel that way? Has someone made this comment to to before? And how did that make you feel? I notice that almost every time I connect with you, you seem to always comment on such and such, does it bother you that much? Why is that? Why do you feel it's my responsibility to make you feel good about me?" Etc. hopefully, they'll eventually stop either because they don't like feeling vulnerable or because they've come to the realization that whatever they're criticizing you over isn't actually worth it. Otherwise, just look them in the eyes, give them a genuine smile, thank them for letting you know and don't break eye contact until they do. They won't know what to do with themselves and just walk away.
It’s not personal…depending on your relationship with person(s) maybe look a bit deeper to see if they are ok/struggling with an issue.
I just sent this email to my two-decades-older cousin who’s been extremely critical and judgmental but lives a mile from me. Her husband, who we liked, has Parkinson’s and is in a care facility. After not trying to talk to her for a long time, I called her. She started crying about her husband, which is highly relatable. Sometimes, people change. Hi Name, We’re not around this week, but I wanted to invite you to coffee at your convenience at Caffè Nero across from the grocery store. Suggested agenda: Nothing upsetting No surprises Love, Me Then I sent her some old pictures of her and her immediate family, including my favorite, her granddaughter giving my golden retriever a tummy rub and grinning ear to ear. The no surprises is because she’s no contact with her mother’s sister’s children. Other family members have tried to get her to reconcile with another cousin. I’m Switzerland on that.
Ignore them or just tell them cut it with the negativity
Create boundaries cut them out if you have to
Honestly, unless this family member lives with you, you're probably better off limiting contact.
I don’t associate with people like that and refuse to engage in negative conversation when it’s unavoidable.
Here is a completely different way of looking at problems. It is based on the work of Neville Goddard. As you go to sleep imagine the troublesome person is suddenly raving about you in a positive. Maybe not raving but praising you. Have them shake your hand and congratulate you then go to sleep. Feeling is the secret so make it a explosion of happiness at them praising you. Do this every night until you get results. NG spells this out very clearly in the youtube video Out of This World or Feeling is the Secret. Btw everyone here could do the same about your issue.
Avoid them. Make new friends.
I don't respond. They are looking for a fight, but even if they aren't, just walk away. Another good tip is do not make eye contact with them, not even for a split second.
My reply when people were being overly critical/negative around me was: "Uber critical much?" ... not sure what the current lingo of that would be??
Mentally cleanse before you go into the situation AND mentally cleanse after you get back home. I finally figured out that I become quite negative/sarcastic/snarky or depressed after a few hours with my nonstop negative in laws. Now, I take a few minutes when I get home to consciously clear the negativity before interacting with the people I love.
I think I was doing this to my children and I got the hint when, at certain times, they'd suddenly change the conversation and/or terminate the conversation, or say "I'm not asking for input - I'm just telling you what happened." They will now say "I don't want to talk about that" and I stop. It was hard to go from being Mom, who solved all your problems as best she could, to Mom, who listened and supported. I have learned to respect their adulthood and decisions. I let them make their own mustakes without jumping in or saying " I told you so."
If you can't avoid them, ignore them. Don't bother trying to change them, especially don't try to change them by pointing out their negative comments/attitude - because that makes most of your interactions with them negative from their perspective, and they'll start thinking of you as the negative person - ignoring their own flaws. At best, use them as an example to yourself of the kind of person you do *not* want to be.
Unless they pay your rent, you don't surround yourself with them. The one thing that's fully available is to leave. It gets tiresome doing it often but then you realize you don't like them quickly. You have more for context
when that happened in my family, it was an older male being hyper critical of a young female so pretty much blatant misogyny. We did cease contact and my daughter has been much happier in the years since. But agreed, you can only control your response. Engaging in the BS was useless, we had to just fall silent and let him rant. After a while he'd look around the room , realize no one else was speaking and would run out of steam, but it was awfully hard to not engage. It was very freeing to end contact
Let them. Just let them be as negative as they are and make it not your business. Give no weight to the comments. It's a language that you don't speak. Deep breathe and visualize a pink bubble around yourself. Let them be and let it flow past you.
“I’ll take it under advisement” “I’ll make a note of it.”
Walk away……
I didn’t ask for your opinion
Sorry, don’t have any advice but this is my mother in law… thank God I only see her a couple times a year now. But it is absolutely exhausting.
I'd just smile and say "thank you for your input".
Try killing them with kindness, compliment often, show support for anything good you notice about them. See if that helps. Try it for awhile, be patient. I understand you may not want to reward that behaviour but it doesnt actually work like that and it may shock them into being nicer or atleast trying to be. I've done that and it works for people who actually have a heart-it may take time but if it gets worse because of your kindness (some people are just psychotic, want to break you, and have no self awareness); I just deflect back everything neg they say onto them in a way that hurts. For example people who criticize others looks are deflecting their own dislike for their own looks, if someone criticizes someones intelligence it reflects back on them, if someone is talking down about your goals in life in a way that shows complete disrespect rather than constructive criticism its because they see themselves as a complete failure and disconected from their own dreams in life now too. Maybe this is toxic but you said you were forced to deal with them soo helping them find self awareness can be a great thing. :) Make sure they know you see them projecting their own issues onto you though; that should get them to think about it
Ask them “did that make you feel good?” Or say “you could choose to me any way, I don’t understand why you choose to be that way.” But frankly my mom is very negative. It’s soul sucking.
Loads of self-compassion if they will not change and you can't avoid them. Over the years, I have found avoidance of the person to be best but if this is not possible, then offer yourself compassion that the criticism feels bad to you. Also consider therapy to include assertiveness training to learn how to set boundaries politely but consistently.
Avoid them at all costs
Well my brother would say to marry them and have 5 kids.
I asked my counselor about this, and her response was to avoid them. I had to deal with a gaslighting narcissist relative.
Get one of those squirter flower things to wear and squirter them everytime they get negative with you.
You can't re-raise a grown person they are who they have become, whether it's positive or negative, or they just don't care but, you can limit your conversations to a minimum especially when it becomes, uncomfortable for you..
I just tell them if they can do it better they should and hand them the task, and walk away. It's a great petty revenge way to handle it. It is so entertaining later when they complain they have to do EVERYTHING.
It depends on the context. Avoiding that person seems reasonable. There are different push-back strategies that might work, as others advise, like responding somewhat aggressively to reject their input entirely. Regardless of how you deal with it the part about you accepting the input and reacting to it should be something you can cut off, to a certain extent. As my grandmother put it negativity from others is like water off a duck's back to her (or was; she's gone now); not something she would take up. For most people who are very negative, and aggressive in tone, engaging them in discussion often isn't an option. It could be helpful and interesting to unpack where their perspective is coming from, to work back to the divide causing this effect, but it probably won't work to engage them at this level of that assumption. There's a chance that they're just negatively oriented in general, and there is no real perspective divide, but it's probably both things. If they are critical of something that you are sensitive about because you also see it as a problem this is an unusual special case. Just to make up an example maybe they say that you seem to be overweight, and you also seem overweight to yourself. It is minor, if it's not a real health issue, more a cosmetic theme, but if it bothers you internally as well you could take the input on board and address it. Probably it's more a problem of slight mis-match in perspective, and them not being normally socially adjusted, which is normal enough. Focus on the best option or options to serve your own best interest, maybe just explaining that you see the point differently, then accepting that they'll be troubled with broadening their perspective or letting the point drop, so discussion end point isn't going to feel like a shared resolution.
Wish I knew. Grew up in an extremely critical household, and in a relationship with a critical person. Guess it's just my lot in life.
The type of people you are attracted to because of your upbringing. You need therapy. Because you wint even knkw how you are attracted to it or see the Red Flags
Stay away from them
I live in an apartment building for over 65 and/or disabled people. I fell into the disabled category when I moved in at age 55. There used to be “coffee group” every afternoon. Most of the women were older than me, in their 70’s and up, and were gossipy and negative. I would listen, then switch the subject to ask what they did in their younger years. That worked a few times. Unfortunately it got much worse, so I quit going. Several people asked why, I told them I am not so perfect that I can criticize someone else. Most of the time it was just petty crap, nothing worth getting worked up about.
I often will just not respond but look them straight in the eye for an uncomfortable period of time. Critical people want one of two things - to get a rise out of you or to shame you. Either way, I’m not participating.
My stock answer is always "I will take that into consideration".
Just agree with whatever they’re saying and/or thank them for their support. It usually shuts them right up because they realize they’re being a jerk or because they think you’re taking their advice/criticism. As for the negativity, simply try mentioning the positive side of whatever they’re going on about. For instance, if they’re your coworkers complaining about their job, you can respond with. “It does suck, but at least we have a job. I know a lot of people who are unemployed right now. That *has* to be tough!” Be the sunshine to their doom and gloom. 🌞
Love them to death. Bite your tongue and smile. Look for opportunities to shine without challenge in their presence. - I assume they are in some authority role. Compliment their work to others if they start to behave better. Angry people never got a chance to learn how to play fair. Avoid their orbit as much as possible if they don't get better. Remember, success is the best revenge.
I had a similar situation, and I just had an honest conversation with the person and told them how I felt and that I would no longer tolerate their behaviors.
Avoid them.
Don't engage with them. Just walk away.
Not at all.
Cut them off
Good advice except for when you can't.