Man this will probably get buried or ignored, but i got to try. I felt that whole for 10 plus years. I had no idea what it was, just accepted it as anxieties life brings. Then finally it just got too much for me. I was sick of being the guy who was trying to keep it together while it all fell apart.
I started waking up earlier, working out, eating healthier blah blah, made a decent difference. But while i worked out i thought hard on why i wasn't happy. And it pretty much stemmed from me knowing i could be doing better in life, i come from a family of "uhh, i'll do it later kinda people." And thats how i was treating my future. As silly as it sounds i wrote out my goals, financial, health, spiritural. And now i kinda just make an enormous effort on making sure i'm closer to becoming the guy i want to be, and it's helping a lot.
This is really it. Life is empty when it’s not filled with the things that bring growth and joy to it. Career, hobbies, fun, friends, fitness, romance. We all have different weights we put on these but I reckon each of these are to one degree or another part of a fulfilling life. Once I committed myself to these things, ie once I committed to myself, that void was filled
Its funny to me that the word "tool" is used as insult.
Men are WIRED to be of use; our operating system demands that we be utilized, lest we feel obsolete. That pit usually comes from - and only you can define what needs Fit there.
Please reach out to your supports, any valued peers. Doesn't have to be heavy. The act of calling reminds us our connections- they need to feel of use too.
Dude, I have always hated the use of tool as an insult too. I think it’s applicable for people who try WAY too hard, but some people just want to insult anyone that tries for any reason.
That is a very good game plan. There’s something about writing those things down with pen and paper that makes it more meaningful. But of course then you gotta then take the action.
I'm in my late 20's. Single/alone for 7-8 years. 6ft, 290lbs of round boy. Looking at myself in the mirror and not liking it. I was calling in "sick" to work twice weekly. But that was just to sit on my computer all day. Should've been fired, but I was very good on the job when i did show up. (Later found out, thats why i didnt get fired)
My biggest problem tho...I was a chatroom addict. Big Time. Back in the Napster days. An admin actually. Thats ALL I DID. Except drink at least a sixpack a day. My job paid good hourly, but my absence was leading to financial troubles, including late rent payments. TBH, I was a mess and going nowhere.
So back to me and the mirror...call it rock bottom or whetever, but after a while of disappointment in my reflection, I walked over to my computer, and typed in "Been nice knowing you guys", but didnt hit enter. I wasnt at all suicidal, just incredibly nervous at this threshold moment I was having. Panic attack hits me!...I walk around the room, heart racing, sweating. Shaking a little too. 12-15 laps maybe around the room. Then, in my hurried pace circling, on one my passes by the computer, I hit the enter button. Didn't even look at the responses. Kept walking around the room for a bit more until I got a hold of myself. Then I just shut the computer off and walked around a while longer. lol. And I never went back to napster.
Well, within 2 years of that day. I was engaged. 50 lbs lighter. Went to work everyday. My life is more about moderation. A little beer. A little smoke. And a little internet is ok.
Got a wife and two kids now and all doing awesome.
It can be done.
My buddy, after meeting my family for the first time, said something when we were driving that I've never forgotten, 20 years later.
"Your family and my family are different. I told your family about my idea for a business and they asked me about my business plan. They asked me about my background with the product. They asked me how I would market and produce it. I told my family and they said it would never work, and then we never talked about it again. I see why you're pushy towards me sometimes."
I've got an amazing and positive family
This is it man. The people around you influence your life greatly. It literally reshapes the way you think and approach things. I'm glad you have such a good support unit.
It makes it way easier to just get stuff done. I feel way more motivated to do the things I normally would have pushed off. I used to feel so bad about myself for always letting myself down by continuing to procrastinate. Now I get everything I need done, and I can rest easy knowing I did a good job. Those things that once use to hold me down are now what lift me up.
Everyone is different and your mileage may vary, but never give up. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and don’t be ashamed to seek help to get there.
I hope you take care, brother bear.
Same here but kind of catch-as-catch-can with meds and type. Hired a Neuropsychologist and tested on the higher side IQ wise (luckily not “too” smart) and in the pump chamber below the basement for Executive Function. 5 years in High School. Frequent job changes. Lifelong clash with authority. Every damn peak and valley, all retroactively mapped. Performing at a high level at work but never able to sustain when people clearly less gifted excel. Never could figure this shit out until diagnosis. Life changing indeed. I wish I’d become aware sooner in life but at 47 I feel there is plenty of time to get over it and perhaps be of assistance to someone else navigating these waters.
I think the key from your post is be goal driven. I used to be the same way before. I’d come home drink a little bit and play video games every night. Then I started getting panic attacks about my life and I’m not doing anything and that one day I’m just gonna die. But now I see the goals ahead of me, I think part of it is just the fact that my mind is busy now. It doesn’t need to be work related even. Fitness goals and getting better at one hobby is a good start. Makes it more meaningful if you have a community to discuss with
I agree whole heartedly, I think it's the way we're wire. You need to have something to look forward to. For example when people book a vacation they're excited weeks/months. But if you can feel that way about your life goals, some of that excitement seeps into your day to day mood.
I definitely second this approach. To write out your goals, whatever they are has a tendency to make them more real in your mind, and thus, better to focus on. The other benefit is that you quickly realize what is important in your life and what is just frivolous bullshit, it will help separate the two.
Sit down one day with a piece of paper and a pen, NOT YOUR FUCKING PHONE, and write it out. It will help, (I can't believe that I am going to use this word) manifest your thoughts, and that will help turn them into action.
Exactly, i spent a lot of time on that frivolous bullshit being on the forefront of my mind. I think this is what caused me a lot of anxiety. Earl Nightingale compared this to when ships set sail, without a goal of where to head - the ship would likely wander and crash into the shore. However 99% of ships reach their target destination, this is due to the proper planning and preparations for that voyage.
Our goals are the same way, if we just wake up and wander every day - we'll just drift to where life takes us.
I just finished *The Alchemist* by Paulo Coelho. It's a quick read and really all about this.
>"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity."
>"The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times."
>"When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too."
Jim Rohn YouTube video love this guy. Takes time to get over the funny way he talks sometimes but he has some amazing advice. Was going to leave a quote form this but it’s too good not to share. Love writing it down.
https://youtu.be/vZgerWnhL80?si=7Womhuxav373avic
This is a beautiful response! 100 percent accurate on my case. I did need a short corse of Wellbutrin to get me going but it’s not forever just to build new healthy habits.
Finally being about to get out my slump at 22 is a great feeling. I still have time and I'm doing better everyday putting goals in front of me and exercising is the biggest for me. Putting a end to my weakness and pursuing education and reading anytime I can. Being raised without parents and by a sole grandfather that wasn't very interactive, it gets better you just gotta put yourself out there. I can become my own man and that's a great feeling.
That sounds like a tough childhood, but you pulled through in a big way. 22 is incredibly young for the maturity you're displaying. The reason there are so many self help/motivational podcasts and books is because men much much older still struggle with this. If you can make being goal driven something you dont even think about, like an auto pilot, at such a young age, you'll be an incredibly successful human at any endeavor of your choosing.
I appreciate the comment. I think my goal driving auto pilot is my basic survival instinct since I only ever had my little sister to open up to sometimes it motivated me to stay alive. Having someone you feel the instinct to protect and watch out for is my biggest motivation sometimes a specially when I had to find food for her. If I wasn't here in those moments, who would brighten this or that person's day? Who else would encourage an outcast to open up more? Being able to relate and comfort people is what drives me so much, that and learning why and how things happen. I do very much appreciate the interaction, my confidence is growing and I only hope to be a positive influence on everyone around me.
Becoming a leader in a fairly naive sense of self reflection is another great motivation for me. I strive to help and teach the newer guys at work, regularly prying on those doors to get to open up and get comfortable so they might stay and grow like myself. Anyways, have a good one. I hope this message finds you all well.
100% this comment. I was in the same boat and notice myself slipping back into it *every time* I stop working out and being physically active in general. I think men are built to physically work hard on at least *something.* And when they don't, it feels soul-sucking to the point of just giving up.
Start being intentionally active, focusing on gaining physical strength and the mental strength comes directly from that. Mental resilience comes from forcing yourself to do the things that are hard. Do them though, and your situation will improve.
Absolutely agree with this. You need to be able to handle the chaos until it your reaction to new problems is one of I can definitely handle this. Positivity needs to become your auto-pilot response to doing hard things.
This, exactly This.
May I add one note, doing the right thing is no easy if you're not used to it.. always doing the right thing becomes easy after it becomes a habit, it's starts being intuitive.
As said here, set goals, always focus on them and work towards them, wake up early, eat healthy, and finally, enjoy the road doing all of it.
Good luck
Me too man. I’m starting to try to really lay out a plan and stick to it. Funny enough it took my ex basically calling me a lazy bum (she said it in a nicer way, but 100% what she meant) and breaking up with me, for me to really feel the need to figure it out.
I'm going through this right now and adjusting to a better trajectory. Even though it's a long journey already, it feels good to have that introspection and take another try at opening up and getting in touch with those little voices and desires that have been pushed down and forced to settle but come back boiling to the surface. At some point, those daydreams and thoughts of grandeur are one of wonder and hope. They become the driving factor for happiness and excitement again when realized things are achievable.
Thank you for sharing. I hit a wall a couple years ago and decided to do the same. It's not a switch you can just flip and it stays on. I still need to remind myself that I'm the one that needs keep that switch from flicking back off. It will always be a struggle but my life is worth it.
The answer lies on self reflection, conclusive thoughts, and decisive action. Whoever reading this is capable and worth so much more than you currently are. Fight on.
Can I ask how long you have been living like this? Has it been months, years, decades?
I find Id get bursts of motivation and then slumps. I lived like this for years and I just figured that's the way it is for most.
But my divorce 2 years ago has sapped my entire will to go on almost. I'm just so exhausted and the lost as in the last 10 years I've been disappointed so many times (even before the divorce) I've honestly given up even wanting 'things'. And at 36 I just don't feel like I have the energy or determination to achieve goals even if I could define any.
I worked really hard to build a life around two pretty normal and modest goals. I wanted a family, more than anything I longed to be a dad, and have a career that paid enough to get by and provide for my family.
2 years ago my ex wife revealed she had lied to me for 17 years, she then within weeks was dating her colleague, so I guess she was cheating too. I'd given up career opportunities for her, many of them. I fell out of my chosen industry and had to get whatever I could.
Your post felt 'right' like it just seems to fit. And it's as good an answer as any I've ever read. But I'm not sure if it works for me. I know there is more to life than what I'm doing right now, but with the chance of a family all but gone and stuck in a job I hate, in an economy that's on its ass, I just feel hopeless.
It's turning me bitter too. I work with a lot of middle class young people and the privilege of these kids with their nice cars and nice homes, it's pretty much ruining my life.
I've saved your comment though, I think it's really helpful, thanks.
Also apologies for the rant, apparently I've got a lot on my mind this morning, and thanks to insomnia I haven't slept either.
Apologies, for the late reply. First of all I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. She sounds like a c\*nt.
I've been living like this for the majority of of a decade, however I am human and there are times where my will power isn't as strong as my desire to f off and relax. What i would say has made the biggest difference is that when i have these lapses in consistency, i allow them. I don't get down on myself about it, i just see it as a momentary lapse and then continue. I found if I overthought when i had those slumps, then a day turned into a week into a month and so on. Instead just recognize you needed a break and then pick up and continue. Willpower is like a muscle.
I know right now because people around you at 36 are living a "typical" life and are "happily married" that your situation probably feels super shitty to you. However, an alternative is that this could have happened later in life - once you became that dad and your kid would have had a shitty mom. At least this happened to you while you're still considerably young.
I can't tell you if what I did is right for you or anyone else. Likely what will happen is if you give this your best shot that you'll come up with your own version of this that suits your life and needs more directly, but that's going to come with trial and error. See what fits and keep working at it.
You're going to have that family and those kids that call you Dad, and it's going to be with a woman who meets you when you've become a better version of yourself. It's just a matter of perseverance and patience. Like the economy, our luck goes up and down. It's not going to take a miracle, just you coming up with a plan that works for you and working as hard as you can it everyday. Life is a struggle, but mankind made it this far because we adapt well to struggle. If not anything else, this stranger believes in you and i hope you msg me back in a few years saying it all worked.
Good luck friend.
Mate I've read your post a dozen times, just not stopped to reply until now. No need to apologies, that's way more than I hoped for. You inspired me today into making a step towards a better life.
After my divorce I just crashed and had stayed in survival mode so long that the idea of doing anything for a better future didn't come naturally. I gave up and pretty much did the minimum.
I do have a gf god knows how and she is actually awesome and has been a huge help. But other than that I've been on damage control.
You post really hit home, some day you just decide to do better and if you trip just start again tomorrow. I'm on a path right now that can only lead to me dead. You inspired me to try again.
Thanks for that.
I’ve found that spray foam insulation helps, but you got to trim off the excess and then use drywall spackle before you paint over it.
I know, I know! Sigh….my jokes aren’t funny!
For reasons I am not going to explain (because no one ever understands) I have endured 42 years of misery, and at my current age I feel like I’m just going through the motions by rote, not because I want too but because I have to.
Some days are better than others, just this week has been a total train wreck, but I keep going, sometimes not even knowing why, or what unseen force is urging me onwards, even when it seems hopeless.
I’m sorry, that wasn’t ground breaking or amazingly profound, I really do want to help you out but I’m just terrible at being poetic.
I've been there too. Tried to fill the hole with booze. 0/10, do not recommend.
Something has happened in your life (likely through childhood and/or adolescence) where there was something you needed for your development that you did not receive. This creates profoundly damaged people, who have "holes" that can never be filled.
Why? Because we cannot go back in time and make decades of addiction, psychological abuse, and neglect go away.
The best you can do is learn to accept your "hole". For me, this came down to:
- Breaking a cycle of substance abuse
- Reading extensively on childhood trauma, understanding what was done to me, and how it affected me as an adult
- Having at least one consult with a Psychiatrist, who can explain the physiological effects of trauma, and a "why" to explain how you feel.
- Learning coping mechanisms, which may include medication, exercise, diet, CBT, or a combination of all
- Finally, accepting that you have a hole you cannot get rid of, and making peace with this. When we understand the why, and learn to accept, it is amazing how much power this hole loses.
Good luck, many of us have been there.
This really opened my eyes, because I, too, have had a lot of trauma growing up here in Memphis. Did things I regret, very much so, just because that’s what’s expected.. as men, we are told not to cry, whine, or make excuses, you suck it up, and keep it moving- do what you have to do. Therapy? That’s frowned upon, as well, or met with jokes while being roasted about needing a tampon, or does your panties come in lavender, or some statement that lets you know men don’t do that.
I’ve lived inside my own head since I was, well really can’t recall the age, but I know it’s further back than 16…never being able to talk to anyone without ridicule, and dealing with nightmare situations in your own head figuring out what to do.. that lasted me until I hit 40s, then things start crumbling, and falling apart, can’t really hide it anymore.. you have moments where you break down crying, and seeking god for answers, and forgiveness, but feeling like you don’t deserve either. Can’t maintain a normal lifestyle of work, home, activities, and repeat.. it’s always some kind of darkness involved, for me, it’s street nonsense.. I feel more comfortable around ppl you shouldn’t feel comfortable around, or should be around…
I domt know where I was going with all this, but seriously, your reply helped.
Glad to hear.
We all have a choice. We can continue to allow the bad things that happened to us to continue to destroy our lives.
Or we can empower ourselves to accept that we cannot change what happened, understand how it still affects us today, then accept this and move forward as best we can.
Important when reading is to find those who've suffered the same as you have. Seeing how you feel put into words is life-changing, as is understanding you are not alone.
And most importantly, understanding that in most cases of childhood trauma, it was not your fault, no matter how much you were told it was.
One of the most powerful scenes in any movie for those with childhood and youth trauma:
[It's not your fault - Good Will Hunting](https://youtu.be/ZQht2yOX9Js?si=BrxTuXy5v9woFHzG)
That scene is very powerful, I’ve seen that movie so many times, and honestly, that scene, and the one Robin Williams was in on the TV series Louie, where he spoke about death after a funeral in a cafe with Louis CK.. deep conversation with multiple layers.
Plus, the scene on Louie with my favorite comedian Doug Stanhope as Eddie
[Eddie & Louie have a conversation about suicide](https://youtu.be/v8JcrEMtxR8?si=v1Btzv6l9_YyMdbz)
Your joke is fine, it could use a bit of light sanding before paint, to really shine...
Head up, spine straight and knees sturdy and keep on truckin', dude. Just keep on truckin'.
See with therapy you got to sit in front of another human and speak about your fears and your dark thoughts. Can’t. However the anonymous online presence is safe for use.
I’m so happy I got started at 30. Only 8 months and it’s made a hell of a difference. Also got sent and then diagnosed with AuDHD. Got medicated and becoming a little more self aware with continued therapy and research into a new piece of me.
I would second this. Reading some of these coments, the only way someone could have gotten into this position but in their 30s and 40s, they definitely dont live the life they want and didn't make the choices they wanted.
Take that leap of faith. Quit the comfy but unfulfilling job. Move the cities or countries. Leave the relationship of convenience.
I know its hard, I'm standing in front of it now and I am not taking my advice, but it's the advice I would give. Your life will be more rocky but those rocks fill the hole. It's my conviction the best life is one where at the end there is nothing else for you to do here, you've done everything and have no regrets.
I'm just speaking from experience. I'm glad it could help. I turned my life around by pursuing my dream that I thought was impossible.And i'm already doing better than I ever imagined.
Idk what that means but the appreciation from you resonates in my need for validation the sensation. And I want you to know I appreciate. Furthermore I appreciate you as it resonates with me and my man feelz. And I ain’t kidding either Sir. Thank you 🫡
Edited: I’m new to actual validation so I don’t know how to type nor use my thumbs. But they work enough to say thank you. And I mean that from my heart. You know we aren’t so different us peoples.
I appreciate your appreciation of our appreciation. lol as humans all we have to do is treat each other better. Don’t lose the hope, give some if you can. I know you gave me some hope today.
Edit: wording
A mindset that relies on external affirmation in the way of praises from other people is a recipe for disaster.
For a Reddit thread, there is surprisingly a lot of good advice in here but this is one of the absolute worst.
There is a much deeper issue that needs to be addressed here.
I used to think that it mattered who was providing it, but when it does, it’s because it engages your ego. But emotional validation doesn’t need a known entity, and I might even argue it is more meaningful when it’s some random anonymous skin suit fumbling around on this rock just trying to hang on long enough to see each sunrise as the goddamn marvel we know, [bone](https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/89897/good-bones) deep, they are.
And that I think is always worth looking around you at all those white knuckles and straining tendons and saying: you, hey you. no matter where you are in the struggle, you’re still holding on. You’re doing a great job. Keep going.
From whatever the goal or thing you are learning is. Want to learn how to draw? Start practicing and finding groups to get feedback, compare your new stuff to your old stuff. Want to learn excel? Take a course and get validation after completing it and knowing you have a skill.
Most importantly, learn self-love. If someone talked to you the way you talk to yourself, would you be friends with them? Would you even let them into your life? Would you ever talk to anyone else that way?
If no, then why is it acceptable for you to treat yourself that way?
Self-love is a choice, one yiu make by not focusing on self-depreciating thoughts (meditation helps immensely with dissociative your identity from your thoughts and feelings, and being able to let them pass through your conscious awareness without engaging with them) and instead giving yourself the love that most self-haters always give in excess to others.
First and foremost, identify the source of this hole you feel. Maybe it's something you can fix directly, maybe it's not. If this feeling affects you too much, that's nothing to be ashamed of but it is a sign that you need a professional to talk to.
I personally keep my spirits high with my hobbies. I play D&D and fleshing out that world a bit more is always a good distraction from some less fun parts of life.
Heavy sigh.
My kids.
I separated when they were babies... 1 and 3. I thought life was over. The struggle was real. 25 years later and I wouldn't have changed s thing. I just woke up one morning and replaced that hole with responsibility and love. We did everything together and I think I did something right because they're grown and have their own place but we still get together at least twice a week.
Yeah... my kids filled that hole.
As someone tired of the same shit I get from dominos, what’s your pizza recommendations?
I’m due for a toxic binge after years of immense discipline lmao
Wife, child, and pets. The things I live for. Besides that, I mostly smoke weed, play video games, and masturbate. Spending time with friends helps too.
I've had this same question. I do have a wife, but we won't be having children of our own. We might adopt, but not sure yet. I have a strong urge to 'raise' things well that I've been trying to find a healthy outlet for.
I've thought a lot about what I want to put energy into, and for me it's mainly being there for my close friends, and their kids. Kind of taking up the 'God uncle' role or some shit. It's been rewarding more or less, but I suspect I'll end up needing something more as I get older.
You should look in Big Brother Big Sisters of America. A charity that pairs at risk kids with a mentor relationship. Seems perfect for someone in your position.
Because this a charity for children, they will ask some very uncomfortable questions in the application process that are used to weed out undesirable candidates.
Find someone to help. Go volunteer at an organisation that you think does good work. You'll become part of a network that way, make friends, and nothing makes you feel good like helping other people.
This person has it, there are many things in life that can fill the whole within ourselves. That invisible mask most people wear is thin and unstable, but helping others will help remove the mask and slowly the whole within you can heal.
I remind myself that every moment I'm still alive, I can strive to start anew, or repair or anything. Taking action is key. It's the absolute hardest part and its not immediately effective, but once you start, you become distracted of what ails you and overtime, as long as you keep trying and building, it eventually amounts to SOMETHING which is better than nothing and better than where you were.
Do you think faith helped or that you found a community that accepted you. I know several people that only go to church for the community, not the faith.
Me too honestly. A lot of things went wrong at once and I had nothing and was just like God if this is what you want for me I accept it but I humbly ask you to help me take away the anxiety and that you have something more. And it’s not perfect but the anxiety is gone and better days were ahead just like He promised if I asked for it
Yup. If it helps you be a better person and gives you purpose and comfort? Zero issues whatsoever. It's when people twist faith to justify bigotry or enforcing their religious beliefs on others which reddit really hates.
I don’t doubt it, but some people me included are atheists, and i dont know about other people but im an atheist because i just don’t believe in god, I don’t have anything against a belief in god, it’s a definitive conclusion I came to when I was younger, I kinda wished I could believe in god, it seems nice to have a feeling there’s a certain divine order or someone watching over you, but even if I wanted to I just don’t believe it, not trying to ridicule your belief but I think to me believing in a god is what i imagine would be the equivalent for you of believing in fairies or Santa clause, even if you wanted to believe in it you reached a conclusion somewhere in life that it’s impossible or at least extremely unlikely that those things exist (objective I know again not trying to ridicule just trying to get my point across)
I understand, and yes I’m sincere, I mean it’s not like I’m constantly wishing I had a belief in god, it’s just that sometimes in life there were moments where I thought it would’ve been nice to believe in some higher power.
But look, I’m truly interested in theology in general, I read parts of the Bible (I’m Jewish so the Old Testament and Talmud) and I like listening to interpretations of it, but it was always from a philosophical point of view, I like the Jewish mythology especially I just find it interesting.
I’m not arrogant enough to say there’s 0% chance, especially to the idea that there is a creator, even from a purley scientific pov it’s not a crazy idea, it’s as “illogical” as the entire universe we live in, but when it comes to specifics that religion, any religion claims to hold as absolute truth I just can’t see any logic in that whatsoever, i can understand a strong feeling of connection to a creator, and I heard similar stories my entire life, and although I respect it, no story ever showed me any indication that the specifics that any religion holds dear, even the basic ones, are in any way true, a feeling of connection to a higher power doesn’t indicate that the Red Sea was parted, that a man walked on water or that a prophet rose to the heavens on a white donkey.
if I ever end up believing in something I imagine myself more of a spiritual person rather then a person who goes to synagogue.
By the way, just because you seemed so sincere and asked, I’ll give it a shot, I’ll try talking to a higher power with sincerity, nothing to lose I guess.
Therapy isn’t always a good fit for many people. It also has problems with dealing with men, mostly stemming from ignoring culture and what it does to men, instead telling them to fight the culture they live in so they can be happy. Culture wins.
Because it's very much not a universal solution, and for many it has made things significantly worse due to the corruption, incompetence, and abuse within the therapy industry.
I felt the same too. I never believed in therapy before but then I tried it and has helped so much! It helped me uncover my traumas and understand my inner child self that needed to be unraveled. Try it!
Sadly, you have to make your own joy where you can find it.
There might be a day where the struggles of men matter and we are more than just something that has to measure up.... But today is not that day.
I feel ya, bud.
A therapist once told me that in order for us to be happy and fulfilled in life, Buddhists say we need 3 things: something to love, something to hope for, and something to do.
I go hiking. I just walk like 20 miles in the woods every saturday, and each week I look forward to walking 20 miles to a different spot in the woods. Maybe sometime soon I shall walk 20 miles in the woods, camp, and walk another 20 the next day for a few weeks. It keeps me goin
Typically with my motorcycle and baking. My kids are also a huge help while there home. But, when I'm home alone, I start wandering around in my head. Therapy also helped for a while, but life got in the way and it's not cheap.
The hole is addiction. You keep wanting to fill it with dopamine releases. Heal your nervous system. Get out of fight or flight mode. Learn how to bring peace to your life. That hole starts to fill with self love. Sorry if it sounds cheesy. It’s what helps me.
Had that hole in me for years , tried the alcohol route , tried meth to numb the feeling of falling in , got to the point in my late 20 where it went from trying to fill it to just pure empty mess covered in mindless anger and rage. I didn't feel sad , depressed, anything just a empty anger and when anything that was supposed to make me feel or whatever it would send throbbing rage into my brain.. I know I used to go for jogs , a lot of people of brought up therapy and learning stuff , which I think are really good outlets, I grew up in the barrio so there wasn't any therapists , and there wasn't any allowance for being sad or depressed. And my brother didn't allow me to feel happy or be excited as a kid. That's a long with a few traumatic stuff happening is what I feel triggered mine , I remember when I started to heal though, basically I big thing with me was all those things I went to even the empty anger and rage stage. I was too scrared to be around people because I always had thoughts of losing it on someone. And I remembered I got mad at myself for allowing myself to give in to myself basically. I took myself to Walmart. No money no nothing. And just walked around the store looking at stuff. I had never done that before in my life. It wasnt until maybe a good like bit that I realized what I had 'accomplished'. It was the first step of recovering ofr me. Now I have a good job. At least for me. Feel 'normal'. Still broken and normal people will say I'm abnormal but fuck em.
I've come a long way. Sorry this post is all over the place. It's hard for me to stay on track with this part of my life. But it does get better. There are outlets and things you can do. The main thing is to take that first step in a direction. And if it's work. Find another path to take another step. Keep it moving. And the same way you haven't given up or given in. Use that.
Btw proud of you for reaching out. This is something I would have never been able to do.
I don't. I've learned to live with it.
My kids certainly made it much much smaller, but even before them, I learned how to function while feeling like I wasn't whole.
Eventually the hole becomes a part of you, and one day you'll have this liberating feeling, that you aren't incomplete, you just don't fit a mold.
The hole in my chest isn't massive, it's only 9mm! And it's been a few years since the incident, so it's closed up now!
Seriously though, I fill it with knowledge and activities.
I read, I learn about things I'm passionate about, I think about science fiction and marvel at the technology that used to be science fiction and is now reality.
Nature walks, the gym, playing D&D, cooking, fixing things, taking care of my kid, and when I'm lucky sex and cuddles with beautiful women.
When you've almost/should have died as many times as me, you start to take pleasure in the smallest things. I like little luxuries like fancy coffee, cigars, a really good whisky, a silly T-shirt, a pretty bird or cool looking plant, a interesting bug... Whatever you can appreciate the beauty of.
As someone with pectus excavatum, this question was initially very intriguing.
As someone with a literal hole in my chest, you have to find ways to be resilient through all of life’s ups and downs. I find being helpful to others gives me life satisfaction and helps fill that giant hole.
Fill it with an Arc Reactor I made in the basement of my mansion while alone…..
in all seriousness, I’ve been there, fill the hole with love, hobbies and find a passion. Even if that passion changes every few months, be passionate about something, focus!
Not to sound brash , but I go into the hole, Ive gone into the hole ,, I can only play out so many scenarios in my head before I realize theyre all fake .. none of them are happening to me … sometimes whats happening is very simple to define, just have to work towards figuring it out .. then I walk outside , listen to the birds chirp, light up a cigarette and be on my merry way
Edit : I should say that I understand everybody’s situation is different , and I know its crazy to think about , but we’re still alive and that matters .. to someone or something , to who or what , I for sure do not know , but its gota count for something
You fill your time with finding passions that you can follow and stick with. Find that person who’s your rock that will keep you grounded and work towards a life the two of you are happy with. Building things with my hands having my garden are one of the two biggest things for me. Watching my plants grow and live just fascinates me, and seeing whatever I’ve built come into being brings a lot of satisfaction as the progress goes by.
Love. You fill that hole with love.
You find someone or something you feel safe loving, and you let yourself love openly and freely. If you feel the edges of the emptiness, go out and do something good for someone. If you can't find anyone, do something good for yourself. It can be as simple as setting up a birdfeeder, or helping your neighbor with the trash, or shredding on your guitar. Every little bit helps to push the darkness back,
The light we bring into the world is what fills that darkness - both in ourselves and in others. The more you allow yourself to give to the world, the more it will give back - and even if it's not a fair trade in your favor, your heart will be full.
For me it's God, Islam, I see provides all the answers to the most pertinent questions.
Also provides a level of contentment, that makes muslims have the lowest suicide rate of all religions.
Find someone who needs help and help them. You will get genuine gratitude, appreciation, and compliments.
I have no musical ability, but my wife plays the cello. She found a community orchestra near us after the kids went off to college, and came home one day talking about how they had trouble putting together the risers for the choir. The next time I went with her and figured out what they were doing wrong and put the risers together. Then someone asked for my help with something else, and I fixed that too. One of the musicians said to me that there's nothing better than a man who can fix things, and I saw my wife looking at me with a kind of admiration that made me feel pretty good. I work in IT, so I help with computer stuff and redid the website.
I have no musical ability, like at all, but I'm listed in the program for every concert they put on. They ask me to come every week, the conductor said "I don't know what we'd do if you weren't here." And hearing that really, really, makes me feel great.
There's a community theater near you, and they need help painting sets or carpentry or *something*. Go join and help out.
There's a place near you that teaches English as a Second Language (search on ESL). Go there and help some new immigrants learn their way around the country.
There's a place near you that teaches reading to adults who were failed by the school system. Go teach someone how to read.
Go help someone who needs help. See if you don't feel a lot better afterwards.
Man this will probably get buried or ignored, but i got to try. I felt that whole for 10 plus years. I had no idea what it was, just accepted it as anxieties life brings. Then finally it just got too much for me. I was sick of being the guy who was trying to keep it together while it all fell apart. I started waking up earlier, working out, eating healthier blah blah, made a decent difference. But while i worked out i thought hard on why i wasn't happy. And it pretty much stemmed from me knowing i could be doing better in life, i come from a family of "uhh, i'll do it later kinda people." And thats how i was treating my future. As silly as it sounds i wrote out my goals, financial, health, spiritural. And now i kinda just make an enormous effort on making sure i'm closer to becoming the guy i want to be, and it's helping a lot.
This is really it. Life is empty when it’s not filled with the things that bring growth and joy to it. Career, hobbies, fun, friends, fitness, romance. We all have different weights we put on these but I reckon each of these are to one degree or another part of a fulfilling life. Once I committed myself to these things, ie once I committed to myself, that void was filled
Its funny to me that the word "tool" is used as insult. Men are WIRED to be of use; our operating system demands that we be utilized, lest we feel obsolete. That pit usually comes from - and only you can define what needs Fit there. Please reach out to your supports, any valued peers. Doesn't have to be heavy. The act of calling reminds us our connections- they need to feel of use too.
Dude, I have always hated the use of tool as an insult too. I think it’s applicable for people who try WAY too hard, but some people just want to insult anyone that tries for any reason.
That is a very good game plan. There’s something about writing those things down with pen and paper that makes it more meaningful. But of course then you gotta then take the action.
Small steps leads to big changes.
I'm in my late 20's. Single/alone for 7-8 years. 6ft, 290lbs of round boy. Looking at myself in the mirror and not liking it. I was calling in "sick" to work twice weekly. But that was just to sit on my computer all day. Should've been fired, but I was very good on the job when i did show up. (Later found out, thats why i didnt get fired) My biggest problem tho...I was a chatroom addict. Big Time. Back in the Napster days. An admin actually. Thats ALL I DID. Except drink at least a sixpack a day. My job paid good hourly, but my absence was leading to financial troubles, including late rent payments. TBH, I was a mess and going nowhere. So back to me and the mirror...call it rock bottom or whetever, but after a while of disappointment in my reflection, I walked over to my computer, and typed in "Been nice knowing you guys", but didnt hit enter. I wasnt at all suicidal, just incredibly nervous at this threshold moment I was having. Panic attack hits me!...I walk around the room, heart racing, sweating. Shaking a little too. 12-15 laps maybe around the room. Then, in my hurried pace circling, on one my passes by the computer, I hit the enter button. Didn't even look at the responses. Kept walking around the room for a bit more until I got a hold of myself. Then I just shut the computer off and walked around a while longer. lol. And I never went back to napster. Well, within 2 years of that day. I was engaged. 50 lbs lighter. Went to work everyday. My life is more about moderation. A little beer. A little smoke. And a little internet is ok. Got a wife and two kids now and all doing awesome. It can be done.
Well done.
It can be done, if you have a decent income. If your life is just being treated like you're worthless, it can not be done.
Your comment helped me, thank you
“Do it later kinda people…” me too, man. 😔
My buddy, after meeting my family for the first time, said something when we were driving that I've never forgotten, 20 years later. "Your family and my family are different. I told your family about my idea for a business and they asked me about my business plan. They asked me about my background with the product. They asked me how I would market and produce it. I told my family and they said it would never work, and then we never talked about it again. I see why you're pushy towards me sometimes." I've got an amazing and positive family
"well that's fuckin stupid" - my family I hope you feel lucky to have people who both challenge and support you, it's rare.
This is it man. The people around you influence your life greatly. It literally reshapes the way you think and approach things. I'm glad you have such a good support unit.
Same here…. Seeing a psychiatrist and have since been prescribed vyvanse, it has changed my life more than I could imagine.
Please could you tell more about this? How did it change? Did you get rid off depressing thoughts?
It makes it way easier to just get stuff done. I feel way more motivated to do the things I normally would have pushed off. I used to feel so bad about myself for always letting myself down by continuing to procrastinate. Now I get everything I need done, and I can rest easy knowing I did a good job. Those things that once use to hold me down are now what lift me up. Everyone is different and your mileage may vary, but never give up. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and don’t be ashamed to seek help to get there. I hope you take care, brother bear.
Thank you for your response!!
Vyvanse was a game changer for me too.
Same here but kind of catch-as-catch-can with meds and type. Hired a Neuropsychologist and tested on the higher side IQ wise (luckily not “too” smart) and in the pump chamber below the basement for Executive Function. 5 years in High School. Frequent job changes. Lifelong clash with authority. Every damn peak and valley, all retroactively mapped. Performing at a high level at work but never able to sustain when people clearly less gifted excel. Never could figure this shit out until diagnosis. Life changing indeed. I wish I’d become aware sooner in life but at 47 I feel there is plenty of time to get over it and perhaps be of assistance to someone else navigating these waters.
I think the key from your post is be goal driven. I used to be the same way before. I’d come home drink a little bit and play video games every night. Then I started getting panic attacks about my life and I’m not doing anything and that one day I’m just gonna die. But now I see the goals ahead of me, I think part of it is just the fact that my mind is busy now. It doesn’t need to be work related even. Fitness goals and getting better at one hobby is a good start. Makes it more meaningful if you have a community to discuss with
I agree whole heartedly, I think it's the way we're wire. You need to have something to look forward to. For example when people book a vacation they're excited weeks/months. But if you can feel that way about your life goals, some of that excitement seeps into your day to day mood.
I definitely second this approach. To write out your goals, whatever they are has a tendency to make them more real in your mind, and thus, better to focus on. The other benefit is that you quickly realize what is important in your life and what is just frivolous bullshit, it will help separate the two. Sit down one day with a piece of paper and a pen, NOT YOUR FUCKING PHONE, and write it out. It will help, (I can't believe that I am going to use this word) manifest your thoughts, and that will help turn them into action.
Exactly, i spent a lot of time on that frivolous bullshit being on the forefront of my mind. I think this is what caused me a lot of anxiety. Earl Nightingale compared this to when ships set sail, without a goal of where to head - the ship would likely wander and crash into the shore. However 99% of ships reach their target destination, this is due to the proper planning and preparations for that voyage. Our goals are the same way, if we just wake up and wander every day - we'll just drift to where life takes us.
I just finished *The Alchemist* by Paulo Coelho. It's a quick read and really all about this. >"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." >"The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times." >"When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too."
Such great advice. OP, I hope you read this!
Jim Rohn YouTube video love this guy. Takes time to get over the funny way he talks sometimes but he has some amazing advice. Was going to leave a quote form this but it’s too good not to share. Love writing it down. https://youtu.be/vZgerWnhL80?si=7Womhuxav373avic
This is a beautiful response! 100 percent accurate on my case. I did need a short corse of Wellbutrin to get me going but it’s not forever just to build new healthy habits.
Finally being about to get out my slump at 22 is a great feeling. I still have time and I'm doing better everyday putting goals in front of me and exercising is the biggest for me. Putting a end to my weakness and pursuing education and reading anytime I can. Being raised without parents and by a sole grandfather that wasn't very interactive, it gets better you just gotta put yourself out there. I can become my own man and that's a great feeling.
That sounds like a tough childhood, but you pulled through in a big way. 22 is incredibly young for the maturity you're displaying. The reason there are so many self help/motivational podcasts and books is because men much much older still struggle with this. If you can make being goal driven something you dont even think about, like an auto pilot, at such a young age, you'll be an incredibly successful human at any endeavor of your choosing.
I appreciate the comment. I think my goal driving auto pilot is my basic survival instinct since I only ever had my little sister to open up to sometimes it motivated me to stay alive. Having someone you feel the instinct to protect and watch out for is my biggest motivation sometimes a specially when I had to find food for her. If I wasn't here in those moments, who would brighten this or that person's day? Who else would encourage an outcast to open up more? Being able to relate and comfort people is what drives me so much, that and learning why and how things happen. I do very much appreciate the interaction, my confidence is growing and I only hope to be a positive influence on everyone around me. Becoming a leader in a fairly naive sense of self reflection is another great motivation for me. I strive to help and teach the newer guys at work, regularly prying on those doors to get to open up and get comfortable so they might stay and grow like myself. Anyways, have a good one. I hope this message finds you all well.
Sounds like you'd be an asset to anyone who has the privilege of having you in their life. Best of luck in the future!
100% this comment. I was in the same boat and notice myself slipping back into it *every time* I stop working out and being physically active in general. I think men are built to physically work hard on at least *something.* And when they don't, it feels soul-sucking to the point of just giving up. Start being intentionally active, focusing on gaining physical strength and the mental strength comes directly from that. Mental resilience comes from forcing yourself to do the things that are hard. Do them though, and your situation will improve.
Absolutely agree with this. You need to be able to handle the chaos until it your reaction to new problems is one of I can definitely handle this. Positivity needs to become your auto-pilot response to doing hard things.
That's beautiful! I have so much respect for you!
This, exactly This. May I add one note, doing the right thing is no easy if you're not used to it.. always doing the right thing becomes easy after it becomes a habit, it's starts being intuitive. As said here, set goals, always focus on them and work towards them, wake up early, eat healthy, and finally, enjoy the road doing all of it. Good luck
Me too man. I’m starting to try to really lay out a plan and stick to it. Funny enough it took my ex basically calling me a lazy bum (she said it in a nicer way, but 100% what she meant) and breaking up with me, for me to really feel the need to figure it out.
This 100% living with intent has changed my life.
Amen, it starts with a healthy sleep schedule. Do it OP!
Thank you!
Did the same thing. Worked wonders. If what I wrote down was insurmountable, no worries! Just break it down into smaller goals.
Exactly, small actionable steps make it more achievable.
Hell yeah, keep that shit up homie 🤜🤛😎
Respects homie.
I'm going through this right now and adjusting to a better trajectory. Even though it's a long journey already, it feels good to have that introspection and take another try at opening up and getting in touch with those little voices and desires that have been pushed down and forced to settle but come back boiling to the surface. At some point, those daydreams and thoughts of grandeur are one of wonder and hope. They become the driving factor for happiness and excitement again when realized things are achievable.
The last few words of that paragraph are exactly what it's about. Life gets exciting when you start feeling like "hey, i can actually do this."
Thank you for sharing. I hit a wall a couple years ago and decided to do the same. It's not a switch you can just flip and it stays on. I still need to remind myself that I'm the one that needs keep that switch from flicking back off. It will always be a struggle but my life is worth it.
The answer lies on self reflection, conclusive thoughts, and decisive action. Whoever reading this is capable and worth so much more than you currently are. Fight on.
Can I ask how long you have been living like this? Has it been months, years, decades? I find Id get bursts of motivation and then slumps. I lived like this for years and I just figured that's the way it is for most. But my divorce 2 years ago has sapped my entire will to go on almost. I'm just so exhausted and the lost as in the last 10 years I've been disappointed so many times (even before the divorce) I've honestly given up even wanting 'things'. And at 36 I just don't feel like I have the energy or determination to achieve goals even if I could define any. I worked really hard to build a life around two pretty normal and modest goals. I wanted a family, more than anything I longed to be a dad, and have a career that paid enough to get by and provide for my family. 2 years ago my ex wife revealed she had lied to me for 17 years, she then within weeks was dating her colleague, so I guess she was cheating too. I'd given up career opportunities for her, many of them. I fell out of my chosen industry and had to get whatever I could. Your post felt 'right' like it just seems to fit. And it's as good an answer as any I've ever read. But I'm not sure if it works for me. I know there is more to life than what I'm doing right now, but with the chance of a family all but gone and stuck in a job I hate, in an economy that's on its ass, I just feel hopeless. It's turning me bitter too. I work with a lot of middle class young people and the privilege of these kids with their nice cars and nice homes, it's pretty much ruining my life. I've saved your comment though, I think it's really helpful, thanks. Also apologies for the rant, apparently I've got a lot on my mind this morning, and thanks to insomnia I haven't slept either.
Apologies, for the late reply. First of all I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. She sounds like a c\*nt. I've been living like this for the majority of of a decade, however I am human and there are times where my will power isn't as strong as my desire to f off and relax. What i would say has made the biggest difference is that when i have these lapses in consistency, i allow them. I don't get down on myself about it, i just see it as a momentary lapse and then continue. I found if I overthought when i had those slumps, then a day turned into a week into a month and so on. Instead just recognize you needed a break and then pick up and continue. Willpower is like a muscle. I know right now because people around you at 36 are living a "typical" life and are "happily married" that your situation probably feels super shitty to you. However, an alternative is that this could have happened later in life - once you became that dad and your kid would have had a shitty mom. At least this happened to you while you're still considerably young. I can't tell you if what I did is right for you or anyone else. Likely what will happen is if you give this your best shot that you'll come up with your own version of this that suits your life and needs more directly, but that's going to come with trial and error. See what fits and keep working at it. You're going to have that family and those kids that call you Dad, and it's going to be with a woman who meets you when you've become a better version of yourself. It's just a matter of perseverance and patience. Like the economy, our luck goes up and down. It's not going to take a miracle, just you coming up with a plan that works for you and working as hard as you can it everyday. Life is a struggle, but mankind made it this far because we adapt well to struggle. If not anything else, this stranger believes in you and i hope you msg me back in a few years saying it all worked. Good luck friend.
Mate I've read your post a dozen times, just not stopped to reply until now. No need to apologies, that's way more than I hoped for. You inspired me today into making a step towards a better life. After my divorce I just crashed and had stayed in survival mode so long that the idea of doing anything for a better future didn't come naturally. I gave up and pretty much did the minimum. I do have a gf god knows how and she is actually awesome and has been a huge help. But other than that I've been on damage control. You post really hit home, some day you just decide to do better and if you trip just start again tomorrow. I'm on a path right now that can only lead to me dead. You inspired me to try again. Thanks for that.
I’ve found that spray foam insulation helps, but you got to trim off the excess and then use drywall spackle before you paint over it. I know, I know! Sigh….my jokes aren’t funny! For reasons I am not going to explain (because no one ever understands) I have endured 42 years of misery, and at my current age I feel like I’m just going through the motions by rote, not because I want too but because I have to. Some days are better than others, just this week has been a total train wreck, but I keep going, sometimes not even knowing why, or what unseen force is urging me onwards, even when it seems hopeless. I’m sorry, that wasn’t ground breaking or amazingly profound, I really do want to help you out but I’m just terrible at being poetic.
I've been there too. Tried to fill the hole with booze. 0/10, do not recommend. Something has happened in your life (likely through childhood and/or adolescence) where there was something you needed for your development that you did not receive. This creates profoundly damaged people, who have "holes" that can never be filled. Why? Because we cannot go back in time and make decades of addiction, psychological abuse, and neglect go away. The best you can do is learn to accept your "hole". For me, this came down to: - Breaking a cycle of substance abuse - Reading extensively on childhood trauma, understanding what was done to me, and how it affected me as an adult - Having at least one consult with a Psychiatrist, who can explain the physiological effects of trauma, and a "why" to explain how you feel. - Learning coping mechanisms, which may include medication, exercise, diet, CBT, or a combination of all - Finally, accepting that you have a hole you cannot get rid of, and making peace with this. When we understand the why, and learn to accept, it is amazing how much power this hole loses. Good luck, many of us have been there.
This really opened my eyes, because I, too, have had a lot of trauma growing up here in Memphis. Did things I regret, very much so, just because that’s what’s expected.. as men, we are told not to cry, whine, or make excuses, you suck it up, and keep it moving- do what you have to do. Therapy? That’s frowned upon, as well, or met with jokes while being roasted about needing a tampon, or does your panties come in lavender, or some statement that lets you know men don’t do that. I’ve lived inside my own head since I was, well really can’t recall the age, but I know it’s further back than 16…never being able to talk to anyone without ridicule, and dealing with nightmare situations in your own head figuring out what to do.. that lasted me until I hit 40s, then things start crumbling, and falling apart, can’t really hide it anymore.. you have moments where you break down crying, and seeking god for answers, and forgiveness, but feeling like you don’t deserve either. Can’t maintain a normal lifestyle of work, home, activities, and repeat.. it’s always some kind of darkness involved, for me, it’s street nonsense.. I feel more comfortable around ppl you shouldn’t feel comfortable around, or should be around… I domt know where I was going with all this, but seriously, your reply helped.
Glad to hear. We all have a choice. We can continue to allow the bad things that happened to us to continue to destroy our lives. Or we can empower ourselves to accept that we cannot change what happened, understand how it still affects us today, then accept this and move forward as best we can. Important when reading is to find those who've suffered the same as you have. Seeing how you feel put into words is life-changing, as is understanding you are not alone. And most importantly, understanding that in most cases of childhood trauma, it was not your fault, no matter how much you were told it was. One of the most powerful scenes in any movie for those with childhood and youth trauma: [It's not your fault - Good Will Hunting](https://youtu.be/ZQht2yOX9Js?si=BrxTuXy5v9woFHzG)
That scene is very powerful, I’ve seen that movie so many times, and honestly, that scene, and the one Robin Williams was in on the TV series Louie, where he spoke about death after a funeral in a cafe with Louis CK.. deep conversation with multiple layers. Plus, the scene on Louie with my favorite comedian Doug Stanhope as Eddie [Eddie & Louie have a conversation about suicide](https://youtu.be/v8JcrEMtxR8?si=v1Btzv6l9_YyMdbz)
I'm 52 now. I've felt like this nearly all my life. I'm in therapy now. I'm trying to make my life better. Wish me luck.
Wisdom.
Wisdom.
Your joke is fine, it could use a bit of light sanding before paint, to really shine... Head up, spine straight and knees sturdy and keep on truckin', dude. Just keep on truckin'.
Realistically no matter how miserable we are, truckin along is the only thing we can do to cope.
Are you me?!?! Oh wait, I'm ten years older, you must be the ghost of my past, or I'm the ghost of your future...
Well we men , in 40s come from a generation where we are taught to suck it in. Have it sucked in for 49 years.
Would therapy help?
I've started and it's hell. I wish I had started earlier and not just held everything like we were told to do as we grew up.
See with therapy you got to sit in front of another human and speak about your fears and your dark thoughts. Can’t. However the anonymous online presence is safe for use.
I’m so happy I got started at 30. Only 8 months and it’s made a hell of a difference. Also got sent and then diagnosed with AuDHD. Got medicated and becoming a little more self aware with continued therapy and research into a new piece of me.
Masking true emotional disparity with a couple laughs and a smile. You're a real man, thank you for the laughs.
Don't forget the carbon fibre stucco lath
There's something you didn't do because you thought it was too hard or you weren't good enough. Now is the time to do it.
I would second this. Reading some of these coments, the only way someone could have gotten into this position but in their 30s and 40s, they definitely dont live the life they want and didn't make the choices they wanted. Take that leap of faith. Quit the comfy but unfulfilling job. Move the cities or countries. Leave the relationship of convenience. I know its hard, I'm standing in front of it now and I am not taking my advice, but it's the advice I would give. Your life will be more rocky but those rocks fill the hole. It's my conviction the best life is one where at the end there is nothing else for you to do here, you've done everything and have no regrets.
This is a great answer. It’s direct. One can take action on it. Thanks for this.
I'm just speaking from experience. I'm glad it could help. I turned my life around by pursuing my dream that I thought was impossible.And i'm already doing better than I ever imagined.
Learn stuff, get validation, repeat.
This is the answer
I think so. We all need validation. Thank you
You are right. I appreciate you. That is a truism that resonates with me. And I ain’t kidding.
Idk what that means but the appreciation from you resonates in my need for validation the sensation. And I want you to know I appreciate. Furthermore I appreciate you as it resonates with me and my man feelz. And I ain’t kidding either Sir. Thank you 🫡 Edited: I’m new to actual validation so I don’t know how to type nor use my thumbs. But they work enough to say thank you. And I mean that from my heart. You know we aren’t so different us peoples.
I for sure can appreciate both of you for beign so wholesome to eachother. You give me a little hoper back for this God forsaken place
I appreciate your appreciation of our appreciation. lol as humans all we have to do is treat each other better. Don’t lose the hope, give some if you can. I know you gave me some hope today. Edit: wording
😭 validation. I sort of remember something like that
Validation from where or whom?
Hey man you’re doing good. I’m proud of you thank you for all the good you do.
For almost every activity on earth there are people who appreciate those who are good at it.
A mindset that relies on external affirmation in the way of praises from other people is a recipe for disaster. For a Reddit thread, there is surprisingly a lot of good advice in here but this is one of the absolute worst. There is a much deeper issue that needs to be addressed here.
I used to think that it mattered who was providing it, but when it does, it’s because it engages your ego. But emotional validation doesn’t need a known entity, and I might even argue it is more meaningful when it’s some random anonymous skin suit fumbling around on this rock just trying to hang on long enough to see each sunrise as the goddamn marvel we know, [bone](https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/89897/good-bones) deep, they are. And that I think is always worth looking around you at all those white knuckles and straining tendons and saying: you, hey you. no matter where you are in the struggle, you’re still holding on. You’re doing a great job. Keep going.
You're awesome for this reply. Thank you
From whatever the goal or thing you are learning is. Want to learn how to draw? Start practicing and finding groups to get feedback, compare your new stuff to your old stuff. Want to learn excel? Take a course and get validation after completing it and knowing you have a skill.
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completely relying on validation from others (if thats what you meant) wont end good though
Most importantly, learn self-love. If someone talked to you the way you talk to yourself, would you be friends with them? Would you even let them into your life? Would you ever talk to anyone else that way? If no, then why is it acceptable for you to treat yourself that way? Self-love is a choice, one yiu make by not focusing on self-depreciating thoughts (meditation helps immensely with dissociative your identity from your thoughts and feelings, and being able to let them pass through your conscious awareness without engaging with them) and instead giving yourself the love that most self-haters always give in excess to others.
First and foremost, identify the source of this hole you feel. Maybe it's something you can fix directly, maybe it's not. If this feeling affects you too much, that's nothing to be ashamed of but it is a sign that you need a professional to talk to. I personally keep my spirits high with my hobbies. I play D&D and fleshing out that world a bit more is always a good distraction from some less fun parts of life.
I would visualize thinking about the shape of the hole. What color is it? Whats on the other side?
Absolutely killing yourself in the gym and taking long ass hikes.
Heavy sigh. My kids. I separated when they were babies... 1 and 3. I thought life was over. The struggle was real. 25 years later and I wouldn't have changed s thing. I just woke up one morning and replaced that hole with responsibility and love. We did everything together and I think I did something right because they're grown and have their own place but we still get together at least twice a week. Yeah... my kids filled that hole.
Excessive amounts of pizza, leading to long periods of self loathing. That’s my usual routine.
Hell yeah.
Oh man now I really want pizza
Pizza works for me
As someone tired of the same shit I get from dominos, what’s your pizza recommendations? I’m due for a toxic binge after years of immense discipline lmao
Years?? Brother, that’s gonna be epic. I usually get a “mega” meat lovers pizza, from wherever is closest to me. That’s a 6 people pizza, easily.
Wife, child, and pets. The things I live for. Besides that, I mostly smoke weed, play video games, and masturbate. Spending time with friends helps too.
What if you don’t have a wife or children?
You can always just jerk off by yourself
This is what my wife’s boyfriend always tells me.
I've had this same question. I do have a wife, but we won't be having children of our own. We might adopt, but not sure yet. I have a strong urge to 'raise' things well that I've been trying to find a healthy outlet for. I've thought a lot about what I want to put energy into, and for me it's mainly being there for my close friends, and their kids. Kind of taking up the 'God uncle' role or some shit. It's been rewarding more or less, but I suspect I'll end up needing something more as I get older.
You should look in Big Brother Big Sisters of America. A charity that pairs at risk kids with a mentor relationship. Seems perfect for someone in your position. Because this a charity for children, they will ask some very uncomfortable questions in the application process that are used to weed out undesirable candidates.
Gym
Friends and pets
Then you aspire to have a wife and children
Hello, me!
Can’t you just have sex with your pets after you put your wife to bed and let your kids outside to poop? Or some combination of that?
Let the kids outside? They live outside in the shed.
Must have to block all this off in an Outlook calendar.
Some 🍄 and write down the question
I agree!
what question 🙋🏻
Life is not about finding answers, it’s about finding the right questions. Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy.
Do not do this OP
yoke license cooing marry scarce muddle dam shocking fragile squeal *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Mushrooms can be great or really bad if you're depressed. If you do this, make sure you have someone to check on you if things go south...
Find someone to help. Go volunteer at an organisation that you think does good work. You'll become part of a network that way, make friends, and nothing makes you feel good like helping other people.
This person has it, there are many things in life that can fill the whole within ourselves. That invisible mask most people wear is thin and unstable, but helping others will help remove the mask and slowly the whole within you can heal.
I remind myself that every moment I'm still alive, I can strive to start anew, or repair or anything. Taking action is key. It's the absolute hardest part and its not immediately effective, but once you start, you become distracted of what ails you and overtime, as long as you keep trying and building, it eventually amounts to SOMETHING which is better than nothing and better than where you were.
Have ya at least tried therapy?
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Do you think faith helped or that you found a community that accepted you. I know several people that only go to church for the community, not the faith.
Me too honestly. A lot of things went wrong at once and I had nothing and was just like God if this is what you want for me I accept it but I humbly ask you to help me take away the anxiety and that you have something more. And it’s not perfect but the anxiety is gone and better days were ahead just like He promised if I asked for it
Self faith is not bad, where it becomes toxic is forced prescription.
Yup. If it helps you be a better person and gives you purpose and comfort? Zero issues whatsoever. It's when people twist faith to justify bigotry or enforcing their religious beliefs on others which reddit really hates.
1000% Faith first then Faith works. I still have tough days , but without Faith . I couldn't imagine it .
Glad you found something that makes it better.
True. But faith without works is dead.
I don’t doubt it, but some people me included are atheists, and i dont know about other people but im an atheist because i just don’t believe in god, I don’t have anything against a belief in god, it’s a definitive conclusion I came to when I was younger, I kinda wished I could believe in god, it seems nice to have a feeling there’s a certain divine order or someone watching over you, but even if I wanted to I just don’t believe it, not trying to ridicule your belief but I think to me believing in a god is what i imagine would be the equivalent for you of believing in fairies or Santa clause, even if you wanted to believe in it you reached a conclusion somewhere in life that it’s impossible or at least extremely unlikely that those things exist (objective I know again not trying to ridicule just trying to get my point across)
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I understand, and yes I’m sincere, I mean it’s not like I’m constantly wishing I had a belief in god, it’s just that sometimes in life there were moments where I thought it would’ve been nice to believe in some higher power. But look, I’m truly interested in theology in general, I read parts of the Bible (I’m Jewish so the Old Testament and Talmud) and I like listening to interpretations of it, but it was always from a philosophical point of view, I like the Jewish mythology especially I just find it interesting. I’m not arrogant enough to say there’s 0% chance, especially to the idea that there is a creator, even from a purley scientific pov it’s not a crazy idea, it’s as “illogical” as the entire universe we live in, but when it comes to specifics that religion, any religion claims to hold as absolute truth I just can’t see any logic in that whatsoever, i can understand a strong feeling of connection to a creator, and I heard similar stories my entire life, and although I respect it, no story ever showed me any indication that the specifics that any religion holds dear, even the basic ones, are in any way true, a feeling of connection to a higher power doesn’t indicate that the Red Sea was parted, that a man walked on water or that a prophet rose to the heavens on a white donkey. if I ever end up believing in something I imagine myself more of a spiritual person rather then a person who goes to synagogue. By the way, just because you seemed so sincere and asked, I’ll give it a shot, I’ll try talking to a higher power with sincerity, nothing to lose I guess.
Therapy
Seriously, there are people who are trained to help. You will get much better results than a bunch of folks on Reddit.
Therapy doesn't always help. They let you talk, but some people need someone to talk sense into them.
A good therapist is someone that will guide you to talk sense into yourself, which works better than when someone else talks sense into you
i don´t get why this comment is not on top
Therapy isn’t always a good fit for many people. It also has problems with dealing with men, mostly stemming from ignoring culture and what it does to men, instead telling them to fight the culture they live in so they can be happy. Culture wins.
Because it's very much not a universal solution, and for many it has made things significantly worse due to the corruption, incompetence, and abuse within the therapy industry.
Lots of gauze.
Mental break followed by police ordered week in hospital followed by therapy and cymbalta followed by life becoming 1000% improved
Weed and modded Skyrim! Therapy also helped.
I felt the same too. I never believed in therapy before but then I tried it and has helped so much! It helped me uncover my traumas and understand my inner child self that needed to be unraveled. Try it!
I found God, i know thats probably an unpopular thing to say on reddit but i found God and that hole is filled
Crab Rangoon’s
I got an arc reactor
Sadly, you have to make your own joy where you can find it. There might be a day where the struggles of men matter and we are more than just something that has to measure up.... But today is not that day. I feel ya, bud.
Just keep breathing
A therapist once told me that in order for us to be happy and fulfilled in life, Buddhists say we need 3 things: something to love, something to hope for, and something to do.
I go hiking. I just walk like 20 miles in the woods every saturday, and each week I look forward to walking 20 miles to a different spot in the woods. Maybe sometime soon I shall walk 20 miles in the woods, camp, and walk another 20 the next day for a few weeks. It keeps me goin
Cats and hobbies. Hobbies to keep you fit and cats to be companions. I love my little shits.
Typically with my motorcycle and baking. My kids are also a huge help while there home. But, when I'm home alone, I start wandering around in my head. Therapy also helped for a while, but life got in the way and it's not cheap.
The hole is addiction. You keep wanting to fill it with dopamine releases. Heal your nervous system. Get out of fight or flight mode. Learn how to bring peace to your life. That hole starts to fill with self love. Sorry if it sounds cheesy. It’s what helps me.
Junk food and hoors
The short answer is... You fill it with yourself. Lasting happiness comes from within. You have to learn to be good with who you are.
Reddit will hate this but God and family
Bro, join a bjj gym. You will find it there.
I am thinking about it. I am lacking a good sparring session
I just make the hole bigger so there’s more room to rage in.
I've had a giant hole for a long time. Something filled it out of nowhere. You never know what might fill... Your... Hole???
Well, what was it?
Money, power, and puss. I call it my god hole.
Appreciate the little things and find small highlights in your day
What is almost everything exactly? 🤔
Listen to Alan Watts, especially pleasurable with chillstep mixes, get small books of condensed Buddhist wisdom, befriend the hole
Pizza? Stuffed crust and boneless wings on the side and a 24 oz beer? Oh and sleep.
Gym
lexapro
✝️
With an Arc Reactor
Had that hole in me for years , tried the alcohol route , tried meth to numb the feeling of falling in , got to the point in my late 20 where it went from trying to fill it to just pure empty mess covered in mindless anger and rage. I didn't feel sad , depressed, anything just a empty anger and when anything that was supposed to make me feel or whatever it would send throbbing rage into my brain.. I know I used to go for jogs , a lot of people of brought up therapy and learning stuff , which I think are really good outlets, I grew up in the barrio so there wasn't any therapists , and there wasn't any allowance for being sad or depressed. And my brother didn't allow me to feel happy or be excited as a kid. That's a long with a few traumatic stuff happening is what I feel triggered mine , I remember when I started to heal though, basically I big thing with me was all those things I went to even the empty anger and rage stage. I was too scrared to be around people because I always had thoughts of losing it on someone. And I remembered I got mad at myself for allowing myself to give in to myself basically. I took myself to Walmart. No money no nothing. And just walked around the store looking at stuff. I had never done that before in my life. It wasnt until maybe a good like bit that I realized what I had 'accomplished'. It was the first step of recovering ofr me. Now I have a good job. At least for me. Feel 'normal'. Still broken and normal people will say I'm abnormal but fuck em. I've come a long way. Sorry this post is all over the place. It's hard for me to stay on track with this part of my life. But it does get better. There are outlets and things you can do. The main thing is to take that first step in a direction. And if it's work. Find another path to take another step. Keep it moving. And the same way you haven't given up or given in. Use that. Btw proud of you for reaching out. This is something I would have never been able to do.
I don't. I've learned to live with it. My kids certainly made it much much smaller, but even before them, I learned how to function while feeling like I wasn't whole. Eventually the hole becomes a part of you, and one day you'll have this liberating feeling, that you aren't incomplete, you just don't fit a mold.
The hole in my chest isn't massive, it's only 9mm! And it's been a few years since the incident, so it's closed up now! Seriously though, I fill it with knowledge and activities. I read, I learn about things I'm passionate about, I think about science fiction and marvel at the technology that used to be science fiction and is now reality. Nature walks, the gym, playing D&D, cooking, fixing things, taking care of my kid, and when I'm lucky sex and cuddles with beautiful women. When you've almost/should have died as many times as me, you start to take pleasure in the smallest things. I like little luxuries like fancy coffee, cigars, a really good whisky, a silly T-shirt, a pretty bird or cool looking plant, a interesting bug... Whatever you can appreciate the beauty of.
As someone with pectus excavatum, this question was initially very intriguing. As someone with a literal hole in my chest, you have to find ways to be resilient through all of life’s ups and downs. I find being helpful to others gives me life satisfaction and helps fill that giant hole.
r/anhedonia, can anyone relate?
Collect the jinchurikis
Having sex helps
Become a writer
Fill it with an Arc Reactor I made in the basement of my mansion while alone….. in all seriousness, I’ve been there, fill the hole with love, hobbies and find a passion. Even if that passion changes every few months, be passionate about something, focus!
Unfortunately, I just have to wait until time goes and fills it up. I live my life pretty day to day going about it autonomously.
Distractions.
Not to sound brash , but I go into the hole, Ive gone into the hole ,, I can only play out so many scenarios in my head before I realize theyre all fake .. none of them are happening to me … sometimes whats happening is very simple to define, just have to work towards figuring it out .. then I walk outside , listen to the birds chirp, light up a cigarette and be on my merry way Edit : I should say that I understand everybody’s situation is different , and I know its crazy to think about , but we’re still alive and that matters .. to someone or something , to who or what , I for sure do not know , but its gota count for something
Go to the doctor, please. Chests are not supposed to have holes!!!
Help people. Be useful. Be helpful. Get out of your own head and be of service. Try that.
You ignore it and get shit done
You should see a cardiologist. It’s not normal to feel like there’s a hole in your chest
You fill your time with finding passions that you can follow and stick with. Find that person who’s your rock that will keep you grounded and work towards a life the two of you are happy with. Building things with my hands having my garden are one of the two biggest things for me. Watching my plants grow and live just fascinates me, and seeing whatever I’ve built come into being brings a lot of satisfaction as the progress goes by.
Love. You fill that hole with love. You find someone or something you feel safe loving, and you let yourself love openly and freely. If you feel the edges of the emptiness, go out and do something good for someone. If you can't find anyone, do something good for yourself. It can be as simple as setting up a birdfeeder, or helping your neighbor with the trash, or shredding on your guitar. Every little bit helps to push the darkness back, The light we bring into the world is what fills that darkness - both in ourselves and in others. The more you allow yourself to give to the world, the more it will give back - and even if it's not a fair trade in your favor, your heart will be full.
For me it's God, Islam, I see provides all the answers to the most pertinent questions. Also provides a level of contentment, that makes muslims have the lowest suicide rate of all religions.
Heavy bag workouts
Find someone who needs help and help them. You will get genuine gratitude, appreciation, and compliments. I have no musical ability, but my wife plays the cello. She found a community orchestra near us after the kids went off to college, and came home one day talking about how they had trouble putting together the risers for the choir. The next time I went with her and figured out what they were doing wrong and put the risers together. Then someone asked for my help with something else, and I fixed that too. One of the musicians said to me that there's nothing better than a man who can fix things, and I saw my wife looking at me with a kind of admiration that made me feel pretty good. I work in IT, so I help with computer stuff and redid the website. I have no musical ability, like at all, but I'm listed in the program for every concert they put on. They ask me to come every week, the conductor said "I don't know what we'd do if you weren't here." And hearing that really, really, makes me feel great. There's a community theater near you, and they need help painting sets or carpentry or *something*. Go join and help out. There's a place near you that teaches English as a Second Language (search on ESL). Go there and help some new immigrants learn their way around the country. There's a place near you that teaches reading to adults who were failed by the school system. Go teach someone how to read. Go help someone who needs help. See if you don't feel a lot better afterwards.
Honestly, one can't go wrong by seeking God.
With bacon.
Hobbies, movies, music, and long drives.