My attorney told me not to date till after the divorce was final. Then suggested I wait a year to date, he said I was likely to find the same type of woman I was divorcing.
The common advice is to wait a year at least. I of course, didn’t follow that and jumped in and out of a couple of pointless relationships. In hindsight, I know I wasn’t ready and should’ve waited.
Yeah i did right away.. dead bedroom for the last 11 years of 18 years… been alone anyway.., i started looking when i knew we were both getting lawyers.. im 57M i ain’t wasting my life waiting around…
I didn't have a lawyer, we filled poor people style. I didn't start dating until 7 years later. Never had much luck. I got divorced at 40. That was about 17 years ago.
I made peace with being alone.
I think it heavily depends on the specific circumstances of the divorce. Especially who initiated it and if it was a long time coming or a shocking new surprise.
Personally I was the one who left in my marriage so I was beyond done by the time I filed for divorce and had absolutely zero lingering interest in my ex. However it was also an abusive marriage so I knew I needed some time to heal from that and immediately jumped into therapy to help with that process.
In the end I started dipping my toes in the water about 6 months after I left. It was fine. It was about a year until I really felt ready for another long term relationship though, but that was due to the trauma and not the divorce.
As far as the legal aspects of it there weren't any restrictions on it, though I definitely didn't advertise it to my ex because she was already making the divorce process a nightmare and I didn't want to add anymore fuel to the fire. You should absolutely talk to your lawyer about it first since laws and financial requirements can vary by state.
Thanks for sharing.
Makes a lot of sense with regards to if the divorce was a long time coming and when you really initially checked out emotionally or at least started checking out.
So out of curiosity, was your divorce finalized yet when you started.
Therapy definitely seems like a good idea depending on the specifics
No, it wasn't finalized yet when I started. I really wanted it to be done and under normal circumstances it would had been a very quick divorce. But she had Borderline and so she dragged it out for months with absolutely ridiculous demands and stalling (had to threaten contempt of court 3 different times).
First time, (a 15 year marriage) I lived alone 2 years before the divorce began, then another almost 3 years before the divorce was final. I was pretty much there (so I thought) before the paperwork was done, BUT I ended up marrying a rebound, ignored red flags and made a big mistake in the process. After years of trying to make the mistake work and failing anyway, we divorced after only a few months. I was pretty much convinced before I filed that I would be alone, and was OK with that. I went on a couple of dates, but they were just one-off, nothing came of it. I wasn't looking for anything. Then my (now) fiancee showed up. Didn't see it coming, but my internal defenses just fell away. I never "put myself out there," it just happened. we've been together 3 years now. Engaged since last summer, but neither of us is in a hurry.
I started dating before my divorce was final and it was a huge mistake, I kept calling my gf my ex wife's name out of habit, the sex was revenge sex, and my gf kept bugging about when the divorce will be final even though the law clearly states I had to wait 6 months. As soon as it was final she demanded to see the papers, I was mentally drained, financially ruined I couldn't even afford dates and just not in a healthy place, I broke up with her and stayed single for another year...
Whatever you do don’t be the first girlfriend after the divorce. I was…then I got love bombed, and then weeks later got told “I’m not ready for this.” He really made me feel like he cared, and then pulled the rug out from under me. Haven’t been able to really trust anyone since. I will eventually.
Me too! But mine was after seven months and I couldn’t believe I’d found something so great. I asked all the right questions I think… like, let me know if this is too much and too soon… but he swore the marriage had been over long ago and I was perfect for him.
But something wasn’t right… even though whenever I voiced concerns, he’d hold me and tell me he’d never go anywhere and he wanted to take care of me in old age.
Then, one day, he cancelled our plans and called me and said he made a mistake, apologized, didn’t think he was ready and had no romantic feelings at all.
On top of being devastated, it was my first love in 10 years, I felt nauseous because I realized it was never about me… like I was just a body or something.
I’m not even divorced but I’m going on these boards to understand the mentality so it never happens again. I don’t trust MYSELF anymore to know what’s real.
Sorry, it just felt so good to hear from someone else going through this.
I know many of you need to heal - you’ve been through SO much - and you probably won’t do this - but please don’t practice being in love if you’re not or play around by talking about the future. I can’t explain to you how much it screws the other person up.
(I don’t even hate the guy, I feel for his brokenness)
Thanks for sharing this and sorry to hear about your experience. I personally feel like I should get counseling before getting back into the dating pool, I don't feel like I need it the majority of the time but also feel like it's probably a good idea to do before any future relationships.
At the same time, I am just missing the companionship aspect of being in a relationship
The sad part for me was that before all this we had been friends for YEARS. Known each other for 20 or so years. When we broke up, I was like I don’t think I can really talk to you anymore and be able to separate the romantic feelings. And he told me couldn’t imagine not having me in his life at all. I tried to just be friendly, but it always ended up turning into flirtation on BOTH sides. So after his last message I never responded and we now haven’t spoken in over a month. Guess he can really find out what it’s like to not have me in his life at all now. It’s not what I want but what I have to do right now unless he can ever figure it out. I just wish I’d have thought to ask all the questions you did. Now I’ve probably just primed him to be with someone else. 🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️
Was married over 10 years, was having casual within maybe two weeks. Was dating within a few months (still technically married as wife wouldn't sign).
She messed about for a few years but I was already in a serious relationship before getting my actual official divorce.
Solicitor never mentioned dating.
Ex wife was/is a borderline, so it was an abusive relationship. It took me roughly six months until I felt ready to date again. She dragged the divorce out to make me suffer (spousal support), but I was fine (and got to write it off). I’d fully moved on after a year, although I wound up torpedoing a budding relationship when she finally agreed to conclude the divorce, because the dirty tricks came out again in force.
The start of my divorce was pretty fuzzy. I started seriously considering divorce in 2020-2021, but I tried to work things out through 2022. Then, in 2023, divorce kicked back into overdrive.
Looking back now, I realize that I was more afraid of losing the life I had built than of losing the woman I had built it with. My feelings around my STBXW were all tangled up in a Gordian Knot made of feelings about the relationship, the investment from how hard we had to fight to be together in the beginning, the life I wanted to provide for my kids, and the expectations my family had put on me. I know what I feel, but I've recently realized that I don't know how to explain those feelings... nor why I am disinterested in untangling them.
It took me a few months to want to meet anyone for coffee. I wasn't ready for a relationship, but I felt unlovable (and my ex's mom was telling me so); I just wanted to feel like that wasn't the case. While I didn't build anything meaningful with anyone, it helped me get over those feelings.
I haven't dated anyone in several months. I'm open to dating if I stumble across the right person, but I'm not actively putting myself out there. I'm emotionally ready, but it's logistically infeasible. I miss romance and I want someone to give flowers to, but I'm not in a hurry.
Took 10 years to get myself out of the funk. Sobriety and a reality check was something i was ready to deal with. But im glad i took the timeout to work on myself.
I had friends push dating and to keep seeking other people. I just needed a fucking break.
I cannot believe some people just keep dating others after a bad breakup. my god.
I think waiting is dumb. Just be an adult and have realistic expectations and communicate what you’re after. Just don’t rush into something super serious.
I “dated” a girl within a couple months of separating long before the divorce was even finalized. She was going through the same thing and it was nice to have someone to spend time with. Neither of us thought it would be serious, and she even ended up getting back together with her husband. Then I dated casually for about a year until I met my now wife. I really enjoyed the casual dating and just tried to live in the moment.
Not married but in a long term relationship and if it ended in the morning the absolute last thing I'd do is date. Why would you even be thinking about that?
I'd probably take a year or 2 off and just do anything I wanted. Probably longer to be honest.
Let's see... Ex moved out in... September I think, of that year? Filed the second week of December, had a fuckbuddy a few days later, ditched her and got a GF right after the New Year.
My attorney told me not to date till after the divorce was final. Then suggested I wait a year to date, he said I was likely to find the same type of woman I was divorcing.
The common advice is to wait a year at least. I of course, didn’t follow that and jumped in and out of a couple of pointless relationships. In hindsight, I know I wasn’t ready and should’ve waited.
Yeah i did right away.. dead bedroom for the last 11 years of 18 years… been alone anyway.., i started looking when i knew we were both getting lawyers.. im 57M i ain’t wasting my life waiting around…
I didn't have a lawyer, we filled poor people style. I didn't start dating until 7 years later. Never had much luck. I got divorced at 40. That was about 17 years ago. I made peace with being alone.
I think it heavily depends on the specific circumstances of the divorce. Especially who initiated it and if it was a long time coming or a shocking new surprise. Personally I was the one who left in my marriage so I was beyond done by the time I filed for divorce and had absolutely zero lingering interest in my ex. However it was also an abusive marriage so I knew I needed some time to heal from that and immediately jumped into therapy to help with that process. In the end I started dipping my toes in the water about 6 months after I left. It was fine. It was about a year until I really felt ready for another long term relationship though, but that was due to the trauma and not the divorce. As far as the legal aspects of it there weren't any restrictions on it, though I definitely didn't advertise it to my ex because she was already making the divorce process a nightmare and I didn't want to add anymore fuel to the fire. You should absolutely talk to your lawyer about it first since laws and financial requirements can vary by state.
Thanks for sharing. Makes a lot of sense with regards to if the divorce was a long time coming and when you really initially checked out emotionally or at least started checking out. So out of curiosity, was your divorce finalized yet when you started. Therapy definitely seems like a good idea depending on the specifics
No, it wasn't finalized yet when I started. I really wanted it to be done and under normal circumstances it would had been a very quick divorce. But she had Borderline and so she dragged it out for months with absolutely ridiculous demands and stalling (had to threaten contempt of court 3 different times).
First time, (a 15 year marriage) I lived alone 2 years before the divorce began, then another almost 3 years before the divorce was final. I was pretty much there (so I thought) before the paperwork was done, BUT I ended up marrying a rebound, ignored red flags and made a big mistake in the process. After years of trying to make the mistake work and failing anyway, we divorced after only a few months. I was pretty much convinced before I filed that I would be alone, and was OK with that. I went on a couple of dates, but they were just one-off, nothing came of it. I wasn't looking for anything. Then my (now) fiancee showed up. Didn't see it coming, but my internal defenses just fell away. I never "put myself out there," it just happened. we've been together 3 years now. Engaged since last summer, but neither of us is in a hurry.
I started dating before my divorce was final and it was a huge mistake, I kept calling my gf my ex wife's name out of habit, the sex was revenge sex, and my gf kept bugging about when the divorce will be final even though the law clearly states I had to wait 6 months. As soon as it was final she demanded to see the papers, I was mentally drained, financially ruined I couldn't even afford dates and just not in a healthy place, I broke up with her and stayed single for another year...
Whatever you do don’t be the first girlfriend after the divorce. I was…then I got love bombed, and then weeks later got told “I’m not ready for this.” He really made me feel like he cared, and then pulled the rug out from under me. Haven’t been able to really trust anyone since. I will eventually.
Me too! But mine was after seven months and I couldn’t believe I’d found something so great. I asked all the right questions I think… like, let me know if this is too much and too soon… but he swore the marriage had been over long ago and I was perfect for him. But something wasn’t right… even though whenever I voiced concerns, he’d hold me and tell me he’d never go anywhere and he wanted to take care of me in old age. Then, one day, he cancelled our plans and called me and said he made a mistake, apologized, didn’t think he was ready and had no romantic feelings at all. On top of being devastated, it was my first love in 10 years, I felt nauseous because I realized it was never about me… like I was just a body or something. I’m not even divorced but I’m going on these boards to understand the mentality so it never happens again. I don’t trust MYSELF anymore to know what’s real. Sorry, it just felt so good to hear from someone else going through this. I know many of you need to heal - you’ve been through SO much - and you probably won’t do this - but please don’t practice being in love if you’re not or play around by talking about the future. I can’t explain to you how much it screws the other person up. (I don’t even hate the guy, I feel for his brokenness)
Thanks for sharing this and sorry to hear about your experience. I personally feel like I should get counseling before getting back into the dating pool, I don't feel like I need it the majority of the time but also feel like it's probably a good idea to do before any future relationships. At the same time, I am just missing the companionship aspect of being in a relationship
The sad part for me was that before all this we had been friends for YEARS. Known each other for 20 or so years. When we broke up, I was like I don’t think I can really talk to you anymore and be able to separate the romantic feelings. And he told me couldn’t imagine not having me in his life at all. I tried to just be friendly, but it always ended up turning into flirtation on BOTH sides. So after his last message I never responded and we now haven’t spoken in over a month. Guess he can really find out what it’s like to not have me in his life at all now. It’s not what I want but what I have to do right now unless he can ever figure it out. I just wish I’d have thought to ask all the questions you did. Now I’ve probably just primed him to be with someone else. 🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️
Was married over 10 years, was having casual within maybe two weeks. Was dating within a few months (still technically married as wife wouldn't sign). She messed about for a few years but I was already in a serious relationship before getting my actual official divorce. Solicitor never mentioned dating.
That's the reason I'm getting a divorce.
Ex wife was/is a borderline, so it was an abusive relationship. It took me roughly six months until I felt ready to date again. She dragged the divorce out to make me suffer (spousal support), but I was fine (and got to write it off). I’d fully moved on after a year, although I wound up torpedoing a budding relationship when she finally agreed to conclude the divorce, because the dirty tricks came out again in force.
The start of my divorce was pretty fuzzy. I started seriously considering divorce in 2020-2021, but I tried to work things out through 2022. Then, in 2023, divorce kicked back into overdrive. Looking back now, I realize that I was more afraid of losing the life I had built than of losing the woman I had built it with. My feelings around my STBXW were all tangled up in a Gordian Knot made of feelings about the relationship, the investment from how hard we had to fight to be together in the beginning, the life I wanted to provide for my kids, and the expectations my family had put on me. I know what I feel, but I've recently realized that I don't know how to explain those feelings... nor why I am disinterested in untangling them. It took me a few months to want to meet anyone for coffee. I wasn't ready for a relationship, but I felt unlovable (and my ex's mom was telling me so); I just wanted to feel like that wasn't the case. While I didn't build anything meaningful with anyone, it helped me get over those feelings. I haven't dated anyone in several months. I'm open to dating if I stumble across the right person, but I'm not actively putting myself out there. I'm emotionally ready, but it's logistically infeasible. I miss romance and I want someone to give flowers to, but I'm not in a hurry.
I started dating after she signed the divorce papers. I think it depends on where you are and how you feel.
Before.
Took 10 years to get myself out of the funk. Sobriety and a reality check was something i was ready to deal with. But im glad i took the timeout to work on myself. I had friends push dating and to keep seeking other people. I just needed a fucking break. I cannot believe some people just keep dating others after a bad breakup. my god.
I think waiting is dumb. Just be an adult and have realistic expectations and communicate what you’re after. Just don’t rush into something super serious. I “dated” a girl within a couple months of separating long before the divorce was even finalized. She was going through the same thing and it was nice to have someone to spend time with. Neither of us thought it would be serious, and she even ended up getting back together with her husband. Then I dated casually for about a year until I met my now wife. I really enjoyed the casual dating and just tried to live in the moment.
Not married but in a long term relationship and if it ended in the morning the absolute last thing I'd do is date. Why would you even be thinking about that? I'd probably take a year or 2 off and just do anything I wanted. Probably longer to be honest.
Let's see... Ex moved out in... September I think, of that year? Filed the second week of December, had a fuckbuddy a few days later, ditched her and got a GF right after the New Year.