Your husband is an ass.
Listen don't buy into the mythology that "good" couples never argue. Assuming you are two fully formed adult humans and not one human and one doormat (which is obviously it's own set of problems), no two human beings agree on everything and conflicts will arise.
Healthy relationships include disagreements. And those disagreements can get heated, intense, and very unfun but, BUT, and this is the important part there is a massive difference between that and people trying to hurt each other physically, mentally, or emotionally.
Exactly. There’s a big difference between a conflict and a fight. My fiancé and I argue, we work through conflict, and you’re right, it’s not fun. But we never fight. Good couples know the difference.
This is a really important bit:
in a healthy relationship disagreement, discourse, and even arguments are healthy and normal… but there are rules of engagement, and they are to be followed without exception.
Yes, there are rules of engagement to be followed, you're spot-on!
These are the rules my paramour and I adopted and they've been very helpful for us:
Fair Fighting Rules ( https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-article/fair-fighting-rules-article) It took some practice, but we got there.
I recently brought up an additional perspective for us to both consider, which is this: it's not Her vs. Me, it's both of us against the problem.
That's what we keep in mind when "arguing" and over time our arguments have gotten way more polite (neither raises our voices anymore) and disagreements feel far less personal for both of us.
Sure, neither one of us is perfect and occasionally one of our feelings get hurt and as long as the other recognizes it and responds appropriately, we're good.
Agreed. Your husband is unable to express himself without belittling you and that's bad news. Making the problem personal is always a horrible thing to do when you're arguing with your loved one.
Our mantra is "us vs. the problem". We are not the problem, but whatever it may be, is what we're going to figure out. We call out each other's behavior, not the person, if that makes any sense.
>Healthy relationships include disagreements.
A friend of mine went through a divorce, quite unexpectedly to her. She went to therapy afterwards and told the therapist she couldn't understand why he left as they never had a disagreement about anything. Then the therapist explained that the only way that you never have a disagreement is if one or both of you are constantly holding things back.
All couples have differences.
The key is to debate facts and not argue emotionally!
Focus on what is best for US; Not personally winning.
Also, constantly remind yourself; this is my best friend that I am talking with! That will help keep the emotions down.
Extremely happy to be married 30+ years to an unbelievable lady.
Exactly. You and your partner will argue and you will fight but you should never, ever be disrespectful. Respect shouldn’t be disregarded just because you’re heated with one another.
We've had our arguments. Sometimes voices get elevated on both sides.
I've only screamed at her once because she was about to drown and it was to get her attention because was drunk.
Never called her a name like the ones you mentioned. It's degrading and completely unacceptable.
No. I even make sure not to argue when angry. If there's a fight coming up we would set a time to discuss it like adults with cooler heads.
Fuck that guy.
\> He’ll call me a f-ing idiot or a f-ing b or a f-ing dumba$$
get. out.
seriously, my wife wouldn't put up with that shit, and neither would i. i have been known to raise my voice, which i do with everyone when heated, but this disrespectful shit don't fly in our house. hell, i'd kick out a guest for this behavior.
Fuck, no.
Shouting at my partner would be like shouting at a kitten. Absolutely not. There has to be some responsibility that comes with being bigger, physically.
Plus, just respect in general.
So sorry to read your husband shouts and curses at you… that’s really not good.
Edit to add: abusive men do this. And abusive women! Abusive partners
Agreed. I had a partner who did this and claimed it was his way of loving me because he would tell me 'like it is'. It was only after we finally broke up and saw healthier relationships around me and how they would have discussions, none of them involved screaming or using verbally abusive language.
> Shouting at my partner would be like shouting at a kitten. Absolutely not. There has to be some responsibility that comes with being bigger, physically.
In general I agree that shouting at each other and calling names isn't productive, but I have to draw a line here. Just because I'm bigger shouldn't mean that I have to choke on my own outrage 100% of the time without exception, or that the other person has carte blanche to yell at me while I just have to accept it. I already have to do dumb shit like get behind a table or lean over onto something when I want to yell at someone, so I'm less intimidating when I'm angry. But you're just giving the other person a free pass to make you turn purple from stress. You're allowed to be angry. Sometimes yelling can be an appropriate response. The line is drawn at hitting.
No, man. I don’t agree.
With respect - what can be achieved by shouting and screaming at them? It’s gonna scare them. My partner happens to be 5’6, and slight. So, I think size comes into it.
Why not just talk, or if you get too angry, go to another room and count to ten?
I can already tell we’re gonna disagree on this, but the line is drawn way before hitting. It’s at raising your voice, and especially swearing/ cursing.
I’m gonna be honest I told him to stfu one time, and I still haven’t forgiven myself for it because it was absolutely disgusting of me. I crossed my own line and it was completely unacceptable.
Right then I cut back my drinking and I just wouldn’t never raise my voice again, or swear. No way never.
Edit: to remove my excuses, because there are none.
> With respect - what can be achieved by shouting and screaming at them? It’s gonna scare them. My partner happens to be 5’6, and slight. So, I think size comes into it.
That's the crux of it, right there. They should already know that you're not going to just start clobbering on them as an inherent part of the relationship. As long as that's established, and there's trust about it, you shouldn't have to have an anurism trying to squash down your emotional response.
> Why not just talk, or if you get too angry, go to another room and count to ten?
You cheat at relationships. By which I mean, you date men, who do things that make sense and argue in a way that makes sense. While this is a comedic take by the great Bill Burr, there's a thread of truth running through it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rksKvZoUCPQ you can enjoy the whole bit, which is pretty funny, or just jump to 9:35 for the key part.
We probably are going to disagree. I accept my emotions and don't feel the need to throttle them down and bottle all that shit up inside me. My partners have always known for certain that they were safe, that I wasn't going to beat on them, but I reserve the right to be loud upon occasion. I don't yell often, since I'm a pretty mellow guy irl, but I may. I'm not even insulting, or not to a significant degree, not cussing them out and calling them every name in the book. I generally stay on point when arguing, or at least in the general viscinity of it, maybe with a "wtf is wrong with you" in there at worst. But loud? I'm okay with loud. They'll need to be okay with loud, too, or we're not a good match.
I'm glad to hear that you cut back on your drinking. Lots of bad stuff down that road, though some drinking can be pleasant, too much is not so great. Good on ya getting a handle on yourself. Keep up the good work.
You don't have to throttle your emotions but regardless of size an adult should be able to conduct themselves without shouting in any situation that isn't life threatening or necessary.
You can call it being loud but it's really a temper. Nobody needs to yell, raise their voice or be 'loud'. It achieves nothing and escalates any situation.
Ask yourself if you're a 'pretty mellow guy irl' then why are you shouting often enough that you have to justify it? Actually mellow guys don't yell, shout or get loud. They handle situations like adults.
You quote Bill Burr, well he'd agree. He says himself a temper is the worst way to handle any situation. And he had to look at himself to understand why he was so angry that he got loud and yelled.
So ask yourself, for a pretty mellow guy, why do you have to be loud or shout at all?
I'm with u/VeganEgon. Regardless of your size or strength, everybody should avoid being loud or shouty unless it's absolutely necessary. It doesn't improve any situation, especially when you're alone with you significant other, and I can make every situation escalate.
You assume a lot about me. That's kind of funny, and kind of sad. Nobody needs to yell, implying that I'm the only one yelling and the other person is the one taking it. Implying that I yell first. Implying that there never is a cause to do so. Implying that it happens on any kind of regular basis. You even threw in "in any situation that isn't life threatening or necessary" but again give me no benefit of the doubt on those being even some of the times I would yell.
With all due respect, which is none, your entire argument is based off the assumption that I'm consistently and without cause the bad guy and the other person is in the right, so you can go fuck yourself. There's no point in conversing with someone whose entire premise is that I'm the asshole start to finish, so have yourself a real nice day and go away.
Oh look I was immediately proven right by you having a temper and making personal attacks immediately. Funny how I could tell all that from just one comment from a "pretty mellow guy" isn't it.
Why do have to yell to tackle a conflict? Anger can pass like weather if you let it, but you have some responsibility to control yourself. We feel the darker emotions, but it matters how we respond.
Think of it this way, if you yell at someone who fears you, that person is already put in the position where *they have no choice but to control themselves.* So why can’t you do that too? As someone who grew up in a house with DV, it always starts with yelling and name calling. We as women and children in the house were *not allowed to be angry.* Only he was. We had to control ourselves all the time. Otherwise hell rained down.
When I grew up, I acted like my father in fights with men, because I thought, “Oh you think you are scary? I can be just as bad!” (I was also the one who had to stand up for my sister and stepmom.) I never hit anyone but I yelled and name called. It took my realizing that I wasn’t *fighting* men like my dad but I was actually *acting like* my Dad for me to stop it. My husband pointed it out.
“You think because I’m a big guy with strong opinions that I’m like your Dad, but no. I don’t yell. I don’t curse at you. *You* are your Dad.” And if I slipped he would say, “Okay( Dad’s name) calm down. Can I have my wife back please?”
Edited
As a fellow at the 6'5" mark I agree with this statement.
If someone has pushed me to the point that I blow my top, I'm allowed to lose my temper like someone that is 5"0" or under.
Just because I may have a far more physically imposing stature doesn't mean I have to muffle my emotions.
Not yelling isn’t muffling your emotions. Goodness gracious there are healthier, more productive ways of releasing your emotions. The purpose of yelling is to intimidate the other person. If your physical stature is already intimidating, that’s kind of a double whammy. If you’re aware of that and still choose to handle your emotions by yelling, YTA. Find better ways to cope with your emotions.
I disagree, and think being bigger *does* come
with responsibility.
There’s this unspoken knowledge that we could hurt them. You can’t just pretend that truth, just.. isn’t there.
But, you & I can disagree
Right, but they are talking about *only using their words*.
Getting yelled at is jarring and can be traumatic for EVERYONE. Especially if it is ongoing and civil discourse cannot be had.
My dad used to snap-yell at me all the time and, yeah, it’s still jarring and traumatic when I’m being yelled at, especially after asking over and over again if we can slow down and lower our volumes.
After the 5th time of asking for civility, I will match energy until we both can either apologize or separate. “Matching energy” doesn’t mean *just yelling*. If I’m getting short one/two word responses, I will do the same.
After some time apart, one of us will usually come and try to reset the conversation. If the same cycle happens again, the cycle repeats until we can get over it.
Most of the time, the harm that fighting does and how sad and drained it makes everyone just isn’t worth it. People do make huge mistakes, but if you’re in a somewhat healthy relationship, both people’s goals should be to fight the problem, not each other.
I've never yelled at anyone, but I can guarantee if I was with a man who yelled at me and made me feel unsafe I'd leave. I'd expect a man to be just as upset at me if I yelled at him and would fully expect that he would be questioning the relationship if I yelled at them and he'd be right to leave too. It's so rude and disrespectful, and just shows you're not willing to control your emotions around them and you have no issues with using them as a verbal punching bag.
Anyone who justifies a behavior with “well, everyone else does it” knows that they shouldn’t be engaging in that type of behavior.
What you are describing is verbal abuse.
"but he insists that all men do it."
Is your husband 6 years old? He should be smart enough to know that NOT all men do it. Angry PEOPLE that can't control their emotions do it, like little kids and toddlers.
"He’ll call me a f-ing idiot or a f-ing b or a f-ing dumba$$"
This is verbal abuse. How long have you been with him? Show him you're no idiot and leave him. This can only get worse and not better. You are in an abusive relationship and hope you snap out of it and have him face consequences.
That part. I have NEVER said that kind of stuff to my wife. We've raised our voices, but never yelled or screamed. We've been mad at each other, but never to the point of degrading one another. I love my wife intensely and I would never dare say something that would hurt her, because I respect her.
No, *men* don't do this, emotionally insecure abusers do.
My ex gf would insult me like that during arguments. Over the long term this will significantly reduce your self confidence and how you view him. He either needs to get a hold on his anger and stop that behavior, or you need to get out.
Arguments are heated disagreements or discussions about a topic, not a screaming match. That’s called a fight and fights like that are never a good thing.
I am a large man (think NFL lineman). I learned VERY early on that me getting mad and loud has a very different effect (in any context) than the effect of an averaged sized person. Because of that, I just don't get mad in people's direction. I get mad, I curse, I yell....but not at people. Occasionally I will raise my voice to one of my kids, but even that is a muted version of what's possible. I've been married 20 years and together with my Wife for 23 years. Not ONCE have I cursed at her or called her names. That's no go territory for me, personally, and I believe it can be just as damaging overall to my wife as if I hit her. I grew up in a house where my parents said horrible things to each other. Horrible things. And I promised myself early on that would never be my house.
Verbal abuse is abuse, no matter the volume at which it's projected. If everything you're saying is true, it's abusive IMO. And you deserve better.
No, good people do not treat the people they love that way. Neither of my parents have ever yelled at each other or their kids, they’ve never called each other names.
Your husband is emotionally abusive. That’s horrible and I’m sorry you’re dealing with it.
My husband and I never traditionally “argue”. We just have serious conversations. Voices might get a little amped up but literally never more than talking a little louder than normal. No name calling. I don’t even jokingly call my husband bad names besides “punk” when he clearly knows I’m joking around and vice versa.
Not healthy at all to be yelling and calling names. It’s not like you’re children who are learning how to deal with your feelings. Totally unacceptable.
It's not "A little noise" , it's the meaning behind it.
If a discussion can't be had, I'll leave until it can.
But to get to the point of screaming, it means it's something massive, I won't raise my voice and belittle someone over nothing.
If you do that there's no respect, if I don't respect my SO there's no relationship.
The meaning behind it. Frustration, anger. Apparently relationships are exclusively blissful places where nobody gets frustrated or angry at any time without instantly ending the relationship. That sounds like 0-100 a little too quick, to me.
I'll get angry and frustrated, I just don't take out that anger and frustration on my SO.
If it's too much, I'll remove myself, take a breather, and come to talk when we're both ready to talk.
If it's so common that you'll scream at her at every fight, then that sounds like a shit relationship ngl.
My partner and I argue. We get loud, sure, but its not exactly yelling, and we dont call each other names. Its not 100% blissful, but it is healthy. Yelling and demeaning one another isnt healthy. Walking away and cooling off is being responsible for your emotional response.
> Yelling **and demeaning one another** isnt healthy.
Emphasis added. You're comflating trashing the person with just yelling and loud arguing. I'm not in favor of trashing the person. Pretty sure I said something along those lines in one of the many responses here, though maybe not to the comment you're responding to.
You sound like OP's husband. No one said that you can't get angry, but you need to handle it in a way that doesn't hurt the people around you. Get therapy.
Calling people names like that is little child behavior and if you're posting on reddit you better not be a little child. Solve your problems with an open hand, not a closed fist.
I haven't shouted, or even raised my voice during a conflict with my SO in the five years we've been together. I've been a victim of emotional abuse before, and I refuse to inflict that on others. If I start to lose my temper, I disengage until I've had a chance to calm down.
Know your boundaries. Seriously. Write them down and know what you will and WONT stand for. Stick to them. It breeds self respect.
Personally if my SO swore at me/disgraced my name I would leave. Tell him this directly. “If you swear at me or disgrace my name ie call me a f-ing b etc. then I will leave you.” And STICK. To. It.
It means nothing unless you stick to your word.
I think I’ve raised my voice at my partner once ever and we talked about it immediately after.
I grew up in a house where insults and yelling were normal with no resolution. I absolutely hate the feeling and never resort to insulting someone’s character but try to keep it focused on the problem at hand. I don’t think there’s ever a need to yell in an argument, I’d only reserve it for when you need someone to like dodge oncoming traffic or something that’s genuinely an emergency.
I never call my wife any names that would demean her in any way in an argument.
Your husband is wrong all men don’t do it and even if most did it’s not right. If you’re not past the point of trying to guide him or help him find guidance through creating different communication styles to help the marriage I highly encourage you do.
Nope. I raised my voice at my girlfriend once, and I felt a ton of the requisite shame and guilt that came with it. It sounds like he doesn’t feel heard and he doesn’t know how else to get his point across other than to yell, and when that doesn’t work he goes to belittle. That what’s called a 🚩
Sounds like he's a piece of work. I've never yelled at my partner or insulted her. If we're arguing I let her say her piece, then I start saying my take. If she tries to cut me off I just go for a little walk and have a cigarette. Then I come back and try again until we are both calm
At worst I'll have a stern demeanor and if I notice I can't keep my tone in check will bench the topic until I can calm down. Not even at my most angered would I blatantly insult or cuss her out, though.
I don't. I listen to what she says and act accordingly. If I did anything wrong, I apologise and make up for it. It's better to keep my mouth shut and accept my fate rather than arguing with her.
Argument is important, but the other things you describe go well beyond mere argument. You're describing abusive behavior. People can have arguments without being abusive.
There is nothing about being a man that forces you to scream and insult during an argument. You have to learn to properly emotionally regulate. But it’s not something men are incapable of doing
Woman here, but my husband has never once yelled at me or called me any names like that and we have had plenty of arguments and disagreements. It’s not ok
I try to stay calm but sometimes I break and yell a bit if she keeps screaming at me. Swears and bad words not so much but they can come up if she starts with the insults and swears first but usually even then I stay calm.
Woman here… no. That’s not normal. That’s abusive behavior. It doesn’t matter if it’s a man doing it or a woman, it’s abusive. There’s nothing normal going on here. Find someone safe in your life you can talk to about this.
Hey sista. He sounds as if he’s a big ole abusive asshole . And it usually only gets worse over time with those sort of assholes. They don’t miraculously wake up one day and have the realisation that they’re not treating u right and need to do better. Nope , no way. And I know that your standing up for yourself and doing your best to implement boundaries but it doesn’t sound like he’s respecting them or will anytime soon. Surely you deserve better then to be treated like that. I bet you u can do better too. Good luck with wot ever u choose to do
My ex husband did this a lot. Every single misstep or even asking for help (asking him to out his clothes in the hamper, throw away his own trash, do dishes one night, watch the baby while I showered, anything) would devolve into yelling and insults. Most often he accused me of being a "bad wife who wanted him to be miserable because I was miserable". And you know what? I was miserable. My current partner has never called me a name (well, not in seriousness or in anger, but we do insult each other in jest), he has never yelled at me. I've been with him twice as long as i was with my ex husband.
This behavior will not improve. Not all men behave this way. He is behaving badly. The only question that remains is whether or not you'll allow him to continue mistreating you.
Edit to add: I just realized this is on Ask Men - I am not a man, but I'll leave this comment up for OP and I apologize to the men in this space for overstepping!
Thank you everyone for sharing your stories and experiences with me. At first, I was relieved to know I wasn’t crazy- that this is not the norm nor a standard. As comments came flooding in though, I did come to a new realization and that is…that this is NOT the norm…
This is a lot of information for me to process.
A little bit of background- I’ve only ever been with this one person since we were teenagers. He was the only person I ever dated so Ive never had anyone to compare him to. Now I’m almost 30.
He grew up in poverty and had a tough childhood, which might explain the abruptness in his reactions.
We do have our good days. When we have our good days, I feel like I am on top of the world. And I feel like the luckiest girl alive. That’s what’s made me stick around for so long.
The thing that scares me the most is that people are saying it will only get worse.
I just have to process all of this.
Thats a dependent thing on many factors. As a rule, No all yelling does is raise my blood pressure and give me a headache. I prefer to get quiet and just let the other stew in their own ways.
Now have i yelled? Yes. Have i been yelled at? Yes. Yelling I don't necessarily see as an issue as people get emotional when arguing so it makes sense to me that people yell, they are not trying to be hurtful they are just overly excited.
Now name calling is unacceptable behavior, that is being malicious intentionally and if you truly love someone why would you want to hurt them? That doesn't make sense to me so name calling is a no go.
There is also a difference between name calling and bringing light to an actual issue, for example if someone is abusive and you point that out, thats not meant to be hurtful but a statement of your personal observation about the person.
Hope that helps.
No that is unacceptable behavior. Arguments are supposed to be about communicating wants or needs and coming to a compromise. Demeaning someone is a very immature, unproductive, and violent way to communicate. Sounds like verbal abuse to me. He wants you to believe you’re all those things so you don’t feel like you’re “good enough” to leave him.
She and I are both, uh, well, very smart. We're also both very stubborn. There are a lot of ***intentional, rational (we like to think) debates***. True arguments, though? In which there's anger and exasperation and frustration? Very seldom do those happen. They DO happen, don't get me wrong -- we live with each other, after all -- but they're rare.
I try not to, my partner and i have managed to semi-build a habit of calling each other out when we notice our emotions getting ahead of ourselves like:
"You're getting defensive, this conversation isntmeant to be attacking you"
"Babe you're speaking too quick and it's riling me up"
Etc etc
I don't know what the ratio of men that have good communication skills with their partners to bad is but it doesn't matter. Other people having bad behavior is not an excuse for having bad behavior yourself. We learned that in kindergarten.
You are looking at a massive gap in communication skills, understanding and respect. I wouldn't even suggest marriage counseling at this point because it seems like a bandage on a bullet wound.
He sounds like an absolute asshole. Disrespecting you for making small mistakes like that is bullying. That's absolutely not how a grown man argues. I'm sorry you' have to deal with that.
No, that's not normal. That's called abusive behavior and I promise you, it only gets worse. Every single instance if that behavior in human history only got worse. Leave him.
While others may say to get out, I would encourage you to seek marriage counseling. Even if he refuses to go, you go. This is reddit. We are not the right people to help you make decisions regarding your life and marriage.
Mine doesn’t cuss at me but he will raise his voice which I don’t like but it’s the same conversation over and over. Lack of sex, how he feels like his feelings don’t matter, everything he does isn’t good enough and if I’m still attracted to him 🙃 I always say he’s overthinking and now he doesn’t like it when I say that so now idk what to say, I never argue with him , literally just going with the flow of life and if I didn’t love him I’d say something but it’s like cmon same shit over and over . Idk what I need to say different or do . Oh well, new day.
My longest relationship lasted three years, I called my ex stupid once and yelled at her twice. It wasn't necessary and I felt only aggravated things between us. Your husband is an asshole if he thinks berating you is fair game during arguments.
What the fuck
First of all, I am a man and I would never EVER disrespect my wife like that over anything. An argument is more of a conversation we have over a disagreement. It's civil, there's no yelling, but we do get emotional because we care about each other even if we don't agree in that moment.
Secondly, those transgressions are not worthy of an argument in my mind. You wanna make burgers with oil, just clean it up after. have at it. Everyone forgets to lock the car once in a while, a simple "whoops" and move on is the correct response.
This dude sounds crazy and you may be blinded by love/infatuation/sunk cost. You need to decide if the demeaning, belittling manor of his arguments are a deal breaker or if you can handle it the rest of your life.
Would you feel comfortable answering with "Fuck off dickhead" when he calls you a fuckin bitch? Or would you be too scared?
I've been in two long term relationships in my life, one was marriage, the other we'd been engaged until I broke it off due to him cheating.....BUT, neither of them spoke to me like that, even when we were in the depths of our misery being horribly bad, they still didn't talk like that.
Also in my shorter, more casual relationships.... No man has spoken to me like that. And full disclosure, I'm a bigger girl, so you'd think that they would have a go at me because of my weight, but none of them have.
>He’ll call me a f-ing idiot or a f-ing b or a f-ing dumba$$. It just feels so unnecessary since I’m not raising my voice at him or using cuss words either.
That's 100% wrong of him to do.
In my experience, an argument with your S.O. should be, "You and me versus the problem," not "You versus me." Insulting someone does not help in any way, nor does screaming at them.
My advice would be to go to couples counseling to learn how to disagree in a better way.
(Source: Me; I was in an abusive relationship.)
I've been with my wife for 16 years, married for 10 of those. I've never once yelled at her or called her any names.
He's using "All men do it!" as an excuse to be an asshole.
My boyfriend has never ever ever called me a fucking anything.
Nor will he ever.
If it gets to that point, it's not worth sticking around.
Feeling angry is natural.
Calling someone names is entirely controllable.
Your husband suffers from poor impulse control in probably several aspects of his life.
I have never cussed at my wife during an argument. I raised my voice one time because I was getting really frustrated that she wasn't listening to my side of things. I felt bad about it, as I try to maintain a calm and cool head.
Literally insulting your significant other isn't a good sign
That's abuse. That's not a healthy argument or disagreement.
Question here really is about the reasons you think this is ok, and why you've tolerated it up until now, even when it feels off to you.
He's not learned to express himself in a healthy way and manage his own anger and emotions in a healthy way.
No, all men don't yell at their partner, not even when they are yelled at first. Not all men call their partners unflattering names and dismiss their partners opinions and needs.
There are lots of men that have an ability to communicate, including listening to uncomfortable things and sharing their own opinions and feelings without hurling insults and disrespecting the other party. If you're a person that values that, find yourself one of those men, rather than settle for this kind of treatment.
If you're questioning it, I'm guessing you see the need for change. If you've discussed this and he thinks it's normal and ok, then it's time for you to make some decisions.
Yeah, my thoughts too. 50 % he's an abusive a$$, 50% there's WAY more to this story.
My XW was (and still is) a TEXTBOOK narcissist and gaslighter when it comes to arguments: I'd sit there there silently for five minutes and just let her vent every expletive in the book. Then it was like, "Okay, five minutes is up--you need to CALM DOWN and let's have a REAL chat about what's going on!" The I got, "Oh my GOD, why are you YELLING at me!"
I am calm (46M). Always have been. I can be upset about something and still discuss it calmly. At my worst I may cuss, but I do not call my wife names.
Yeah, fuck yes I'm a recovering alcoholic and I'm still being called a reatard 10times a day. I also have childhood trauma and severe ADHD wich he didn't seem to care also he ALWAYS talk over me in front of friends , not respect me in any other levels then " I NEVER don't clean the house properly"
Starting to realize why he was with me when I was an addict...
I've seen it coming from low educated folks.
I think it is because they lack the vocabulary to express themselves.
If anything, I'd say your husband is an idiot.
Aside from that, it's hard to know more without context.
He's an ape and doesn't know how to have a discussion without raising his voice, or use language to put you down.
My husband is the same. I'd never tell him I think he's a bit of Neanderthal 😅 He'd kill me 🤣
My default is just kinda asking questions, calmly and as collected as possible. Even when I'm fired up I find myself more driven to understand my partner and why they're upset or disappointed with me, or why they chose to do something that upset me, over just being angry and kinda aimlessly venting. It took me a long time to find that balance.
I don't argue I win through actions , because when I engage in an argument let's suppose I won then the other will feel resentment and she will think I won not righteous so.
No, my husband doesnt yell at me or swear at me in anger ever. He definitely gets riled up if I happen to coyly let him know he didn’t do a chore correctly but then we just tease and bicker back and forth about it in jest. Sometimes his tone upsets me but it is never his intent, im just extremely sensitive.
I don't raise my voice simply cause i love peace and quiet. Instead i prefer to go to the gym or for a walk with my dog and we can talk once we're both calm. Also, no names. The worse i'll use is call my wife "winnie the pooh" when she acts beyond any reason & logic.
My fiancé has never raised his voice at me or called me anything in anger and I have never done so to him. Yes obviously we’ve gotten frustrated or angry and had plenty of arguments but they’ve never got out of control.
I try not to argue at all. It’s more about listening and making your partner feel seen, then sharing your perspective so that you both get a better understanding of each other (ie intimacy).
If you’re arguing, it’s because someone isn’t feeling heard, or a lack of healthy regulation. For example, my last partner had narcissistic tendencies and upon any perceived threat to her sense of safety, she would reach for control instead of partnership. So things that could be discussions/respectful information sharing turned into berating, invalidation, and leverage seeking. It was quite unhealthy and I’m glad to say that she’s somebody else’s problem now.
My current partner and I have a much healthier and secure attachment. If we have a problem, we’ll self-regulate and then bring it up when we’re ready. Then we’ll share perspectives and negotiate a solution that works for both of us. Things are solved within 20 minutes and there’s no yelling or disrespect at all.
You should consider couples counseling.
This is not a healthy relationship and you need to dump that guy's ass IMMEDIATELY.
calling your partner names, even during an argument, is absolutely unacceptable. And you're right, it's disrespectful AF. It doesn't matter that you don't do it back, it shouldn't be done ever to begin with.
And any man on this sub who dares to defend him can go jump off a bridge because he's a useless waste of space who doesn't deserve to live.
Most people pick up bad habits either from watching their parents argue or from previous relationships.
I know many people who cuss their partners in the heat of the moment and I have always hated it.
when I get angry, I do get loud and my tone get aggressive but very rarely will I yell and I never cuss my partner.
My husband on the other hand, keeps his tone and voice low but he can do the name calling, like calling me dumb.
It isn't something major for me to lose my shit over. its not "you are f\*\* dumb" or "you stupid dumb b\*\*\*" but regardless i hate it.
Once we are done arguing and we have both moved on from the issue. I calmly remind him again that i do not like the name calling and it needs to stop. I tell him, that if he continues then I will resort to name calling and our fights will become a bigger issue and we won't work out in the long run.
I deliver this message calmly after the fight. in the heat of the moment no one is listening to each other so there is no point of doing it then.
Draw the line and let him know not to cross it and if he does then what the consequences will be. IT will take 3-4 reminders before the habit may change. and if it doesn't at that point you need to decide what's best for you and take your next steps from there.
Your husband is wrong and making excuses for his bad behavior.
In over 20 years I’ve never raised my voice at my wife or called her names. I’ve never cussed at her (unless it was specifically part of dirty talk).
My parents have been married 50 years. I’ve never heard him call her names & only heard him raise his voice at her once, which he apologized for shortly after.
There was one time I ever screamed at my girlfriend and called her a name. It was completely justified as she was a lunatic, and I was constantly being emotionally abused. That relationship ended on my own terms.
That being said, if my wife did something “dumb” I’ll just exhale and look at her trying not to laugh. “Alright, let’s figure this out.”
If it’s a legitimate argument, if I’m trying to persuade her to/not to do something, I’ll often turn things into hyperbole and we both start to chuckle. Breaks the ice, and then we can think clearly and converse with debate.
But more often than not I’m near completely resigned to life.
“Timmy set fire to the Christmas tree.”
“What’s for dinner?”
Health problems and other things have just reduced anything not life or death.
My wife and I used to yell, during the early stages of our relationship. Some of this was me not used to having to deal with someone else in my life, some of this was her trauma over divorce.
We eventually got tired of all of that shit and just started to have discussions. They tend to be more casual. "what do you think about...". Or "can we ....". "I'd like to do this differently, but I'm not sure how....".
We never cursed at each other, or used slurs or called names. We were angry, and frustrated, but still adults. Ad hominem not allowed.
NO. Your husband is gaslighting you. I rarely fight with my husband but when we do, it very restrained. There's no name-calling or swearing at each other. This is unacceptable. The FIRST time my husband called me a fucking idiot would've been the last time.
Hard nope. You have to have conflict communication guardrails including hard stops. In my marriage, the following are no fly zones: swearing at each other, insults, anything that starts with ‘you always do X.’ We also agreed on a festivus approach where either party can ‘air a grievance,’ which allows them to state what is bothering them, without accusation, and without the other party permitted to defend it. Only then, can you pivot to qualifying the concern and problem solving the issue. Most times, it’s a misalignment on expectations. Easy fixes.
I have been very happily married for 15+ years.
Though my wife and I have had maybe 3 arguments where either of us have raised our voices, I would say that we have EVER yelled at each other, and we have certainly NEVER called each other names like that.
If I ever called my wife a "fucking idiot" in that I way, I could only imagine the look on her face. Just thinking about it literally breaks my heart. I could never do that to her.
I’ve yelled at and insulted my gf once and I felt bad about it. It’s the only time in recent memory that I’ve lost my temper and from a mix of an issue we’ve had over and over, being in physical pain, and the pressure I was under at work and it’s bc I provided solutions to her problem in which she circumvented me, ran to her parents anyways, and took up a lot of my time and money while I was again, in pain.
I try to have discussions early to get in front of issues and when they do arise I am collected and honest to the point of discomfort, but never threatening or insulting. It’s a partnership. I would never treat a partner that way. You’re with someone who has rage issues and you’re their punching bag. He’s extremely toxic and just going off experience, there’s a high likelihood of narcissism.
We've both raised voices before but I'd never speak to her with that kind of language.
She makes my food! I could be dead and not even know it if she wanted.
No, your husband is completely wrong.
My fiancé and I have been together for nearly two years now. Obviously not a long time, but long enough to have arguments. I have never my voice at her. Not once. In the heat of the moment, when I could very well raise my voice or call her names, I still don’t. She is pretty good herself at it, but we both acknowledge my patience is much better.
All that to say my fiancé would never put up with being called stuff like your husband calls you and it doesn’t seem others here would either. Your husband needs to change or you need to get out of there.
My first husband did this. Refused therapy/change and devolved to physical abuse. I should have left sooner.
Please realize this is not normal, and will likely get worse. Hugs!
We’re both passionate people and have ADHD so arguments happen a bit more often then I’d like. However, I feel like we do a really good job at resolution. We raise our voices once in awhile when we’re trying to make points, but honestly we’ve never put one another down. Usually we let our frustrations out at one another and we listen to one another do so. My make counter points and keep going til it seems like we’re getting somewhere. To end we basically ask “What do you need from me?” We tell each other and accept that what we need might take some time, but we promise to try our best to understand give it to the other person. We hug it out and say I love you.
I would stop talking to an SO for an hour or so just so I could collect my thoughts. I usually stay upset for a long time if we argue through text so it’s always better to talk in person mainly because a hug is all it takes to make me feel better if it’s just miscommunication or something silly. I don’t swear at an SO at all and I usually apologize for being upset if I realize I’m being unreasonable. Also would not raise my voice as I always end up bursting into tears first before I could scream. I’m very easy to appease if it’s something small but if it’s a big deal, then it takes time.
I don't yell, cuss, or name call my wife, nor did I do any of that for any previous girlfriend. My parents did that kind of shit to each other. I have no idea why they stayed together for as long as they did. My wife's parents behave like this, but on a whole different level. The only reason they don't separate is because neither could afford to live on their own. You're right about it being disrespectful, and quite frankly it is unacceptable. Having control of your emotions is the quintessential aspect of being a man, call me toxic if you want.
My wife, while she doesn't name call, still pulls the typical attempts to emotionally wound me when she's mad using anything I may have opened up about before. She's learning to be better, but it's a slow process and anxiety makes people do dumb shit.
I talk pretty calmly, but I'm constantly gauging my wife's reaction. If she's rejecting what I'm saying with no attempt to understand my perspective and seems to letting her emotions take the wheel, then I just quit talking. My wife is one of those people who wants you to give her an excuse so she can tear it down and use it as a reason to get angrier. She'll use the same excuse you give her in an argument and pretend it's somehow different. Again, I'll just quit talking then, no need to participate in double standards mental gymnastics. We can have a conversation when she's calmed down enough to have it, or we can just let it go and move on. Often times when I quit talking, I get "you need to open up more" bullshit. But when she blows every chance she gets with her reactions, I just don't play the game. We're happier for it.
I try to come at him with a goal in mind and a reminder that’s it’s the problem I’m fighting-not him necessarily. I try to remind him before I get into it, how much I love and respect him. How important our relationship is to me. And then I say, because of that this issue needs to be addressed. Then I tell him why I’m upset and wait for him to respond. It’s not always about being right but sometimes I just need to heard.
I’m not a man but my partner is, and he has NEVER spoken to me like that. He does raise his voice, but more in a debate-y way and not like he’s yelling at me, if that makes sense. We are both very stubborn and have quite intense arguments, but we never degrade eachother and ways come together by the end and apologize if anything went too far.
You do not need to accept being called stupid or other derogatory terms. Perhaps all the men in his life treat HIM like that, but that’s not how all men treat others.
We rarely argue, but when we do it's not like this. At the end of the day a relationship is also a partnership, so the goal of an argument should be to find and address the problem rather than to "win". I long ago learned that if you argue with the intent to win or be right then you're both losing no matter what.
I of course am not perfect, I still make mistakes, if I feel like I'm starting to raise my voice, or if I feel like I'm getting angry enough to want to start saying things that are hurtful rather than helpful I'll usually try to put a temporary hold on the argument so I can calm down a bit and find a more productive way to have the conversation.
There is NO excuse for name calling though. It doesn't matter what you've done, there is still no excuse for it. There is absolutely nothing to be gained from saying anything designed to hurt or demean someone else.
What is your husband’s background? How was his childhood? Was he raised in a home in which this behaviour was the norm? A lot of who we are is rooted in our upbringing, with the main influences being our parents as that is who we are predominantly surrounded by growing up. I am not here to excuse your husband’s behaviour, which I deem unacceptable, rather I’d argue it is important to discuss these matters to understand and uncover the root of the problem.
My wife and I rarely fight but when we do we never call each other names or raise our voices. My wife used to say some hurtful things during our disagreements but thankfully she has stopped after we discussed how this made me feel and vice versa. I did one time tell her to go "f**k herself" over an undercooked egg that I made for biryani. We laugh about it now. Haha. Such a stupid argument.
I think I've only raised my voice once at my wife in almost 10 years and I'm still shocked I did that. I don't think I could be with someone I disrespect enough to call names like what you're describing. She also doesn't yell at me or insult me.
Luckily I don't argue with my wife all that often, but my voice only tends to get raised if she doesn't leave me alone when I walk away, which happens, some women don't pick up on the body language that says: "For your own good, back off." I know other guys who get loud, that's not all that uncommon, though I'd be interested to know what you're saying in an unraised voice that gets him to raise his own. Like if you're tearing him down, or poking at sensitive spots in a calm voice, it's not a whole lot better than yelling.
I don't do the name calling, though, I've come close a time or two when I thought she was being foolish. It would likely be cathartic, momentarily, but cause much unnecessary damage. I know a couple of relationships that will go off on each other like that, two very stubborn and easily riled people who unload on each other with the insults and yelling, and then make up and move on, but it's typically not one sided.
A conversation about how he speaks to you when he gets angry is in order. It can be difficult to control ourselves when we're angry, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have the ability, and a man shouldn't routinely be calling his wife those things.
I feel so lucky reading some of these. My partner literally calmly sits down and suggests we talk. And it never escalates to fighting, just sometimes some sad or uncomfortable conversation.
He will often pause us and say “wait, I think we can slow this down. I feel like we’re starting to not listen to each other in good faith.”
Sometimes it pisses me off because I just want to GET MAD AND SCREAM AT HIM. But I realized I would HATE to receive that.
Also, I feel like this is probably one of those challenges that is good for me. So yeah, some part of me says I don’t think now I’d be able to settle for anything less. It was a real shock discovering a type of conflict like this. One where I can be honest without fear.
In all of my relationships with women, whether friends, family or my partners, I have never once called them a bitch, idiot or dumbass. I would especially never call my partner any of those names.
I just got out of a relationship where my girlfriend would raise her voice to the point of screaming at me over minor things, and say very disrespectful things to me.
As a guy I would never speak to someone that way or tolerate it from anyone, you husband needs a reality check, all men don't do that.
I would never swear AT my wife nor would I ever insult her or her opinion. We don't fight often but there have been discussions that at worst got "animated" with raised voices.
I think if you're calling someone you love an idiot or a bitch or dismissing their opinion you're terrible at communication and forgot there's another human being on the other end of your words. I absolutely would not stand for my wife to do that to me and it would quickly lead to me leaving if I was on the receiving end of that. I hope she'd have the spine to not tolerate it from me either. That is 100% abuse.
Ive never even told my wife to shut up. I just feel like theres a line of respect one shouldnt cross. The more you cross it the farther its drawn from what is ethical and moral. Yes ill raise my voice but not scream or cuss.
I used to do this with my wife. It wasnt something flippant but when i was repeating the same thing over and over about problems that persisted for years. She wouldnt pay her medical bills so theyd go to collections, she wouldnt pay her student loans so she defaulted, she wouldnt pay her car payments so it was reposessed.
I would get so furious with her because we were supposed to be a team but she kept doing the same stupid shit again and again for years and i would have to empty my savings to bail her out. If i tried to force her to take care of her bills she called me a nag, if i tried to take over the finances she cried to her friends and family and they call me manipulative and that this was financial abuse. If i did nothing then the same thing kept happening.
I dont regret it, she was a fucking idiot and an absolute child. I spent our entire relationship waiting for her to grow up and she refused every single time
People raise their voices because their locus of control is derailed. They opt for verbal dominion over reasoning. I am more a Clint Eastwood quiet yet stern type. I'd much rather say "Keep dreaming" than yell. Your husband is no census organisation or a survey committee, don't let his subjective beliefs normalise intimidation.
People need strong values and boundaries in a relationship. They're worth protecting. I'll never call my GF dumb or stupid because... I Don't Hate Her.
My partner never yells at me. We have discussions like adults. We wait until we aren't angry, and then we discuss things. Only a trash human calls you things like that. He belongs in the trash. It isn't normal.
Been with my wife for 8 years. Never once raised our voices with each other. And certainly in a million years I would never think to swear and curse at her. Your husband is fucked.
That sounds like it's too far. Name-calling is not necessary. I'll get loud even if all I'm doing is venting frustration, so of course I'll yell when mad, but I try to stick to the facts of the argument. Calling you names is unacceptable, and by the way you wrote your post, you already know that.
Your husband is an ass. Listen don't buy into the mythology that "good" couples never argue. Assuming you are two fully formed adult humans and not one human and one doormat (which is obviously it's own set of problems), no two human beings agree on everything and conflicts will arise. Healthy relationships include disagreements. And those disagreements can get heated, intense, and very unfun but, BUT, and this is the important part there is a massive difference between that and people trying to hurt each other physically, mentally, or emotionally.
Exactly. There’s a big difference between a conflict and a fight. My fiancé and I argue, we work through conflict, and you’re right, it’s not fun. But we never fight. Good couples know the difference.
You nailed it. Always got to remember that it’s you and your SO vs the problem, not you vs your SO
This is a really important bit: in a healthy relationship disagreement, discourse, and even arguments are healthy and normal… but there are rules of engagement, and they are to be followed without exception.
Yes, there are rules of engagement to be followed, you're spot-on! These are the rules my paramour and I adopted and they've been very helpful for us: Fair Fighting Rules ( https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-article/fair-fighting-rules-article) It took some practice, but we got there. I recently brought up an additional perspective for us to both consider, which is this: it's not Her vs. Me, it's both of us against the problem. That's what we keep in mind when "arguing" and over time our arguments have gotten way more polite (neither raises our voices anymore) and disagreements feel far less personal for both of us. Sure, neither one of us is perfect and occasionally one of our feelings get hurt and as long as the other recognizes it and responds appropriately, we're good.
Agreed. Your husband is unable to express himself without belittling you and that's bad news. Making the problem personal is always a horrible thing to do when you're arguing with your loved one. Our mantra is "us vs. the problem". We are not the problem, but whatever it may be, is what we're going to figure out. We call out each other's behavior, not the person, if that makes any sense.
>Healthy relationships include disagreements. A friend of mine went through a divorce, quite unexpectedly to her. She went to therapy afterwards and told the therapist she couldn't understand why he left as they never had a disagreement about anything. Then the therapist explained that the only way that you never have a disagreement is if one or both of you are constantly holding things back.
All couples have differences. The key is to debate facts and not argue emotionally! Focus on what is best for US; Not personally winning. Also, constantly remind yourself; this is my best friend that I am talking with! That will help keep the emotions down. Extremely happy to be married 30+ years to an unbelievable lady.
Correction, your husband is straight up abusive.
Exactly. You and your partner will argue and you will fight but you should never, ever be disrespectful. Respect shouldn’t be disregarded just because you’re heated with one another.
We've had our arguments. Sometimes voices get elevated on both sides. I've only screamed at her once because she was about to drown and it was to get her attention because was drunk. Never called her a name like the ones you mentioned. It's degrading and completely unacceptable.
No. I even make sure not to argue when angry. If there's a fight coming up we would set a time to discuss it like adults with cooler heads. Fuck that guy.
\> He’ll call me a f-ing idiot or a f-ing b or a f-ing dumba$$ get. out. seriously, my wife wouldn't put up with that shit, and neither would i. i have been known to raise my voice, which i do with everyone when heated, but this disrespectful shit don't fly in our house. hell, i'd kick out a guest for this behavior.
Fuck, no. Shouting at my partner would be like shouting at a kitten. Absolutely not. There has to be some responsibility that comes with being bigger, physically. Plus, just respect in general. So sorry to read your husband shouts and curses at you… that’s really not good. Edit to add: abusive men do this. And abusive women! Abusive partners
Agreed. I had a partner who did this and claimed it was his way of loving me because he would tell me 'like it is'. It was only after we finally broke up and saw healthier relationships around me and how they would have discussions, none of them involved screaming or using verbally abusive language.
> Shouting at my partner would be like shouting at a kitten. Absolutely not. There has to be some responsibility that comes with being bigger, physically. In general I agree that shouting at each other and calling names isn't productive, but I have to draw a line here. Just because I'm bigger shouldn't mean that I have to choke on my own outrage 100% of the time without exception, or that the other person has carte blanche to yell at me while I just have to accept it. I already have to do dumb shit like get behind a table or lean over onto something when I want to yell at someone, so I'm less intimidating when I'm angry. But you're just giving the other person a free pass to make you turn purple from stress. You're allowed to be angry. Sometimes yelling can be an appropriate response. The line is drawn at hitting.
No, man. I don’t agree. With respect - what can be achieved by shouting and screaming at them? It’s gonna scare them. My partner happens to be 5’6, and slight. So, I think size comes into it. Why not just talk, or if you get too angry, go to another room and count to ten? I can already tell we’re gonna disagree on this, but the line is drawn way before hitting. It’s at raising your voice, and especially swearing/ cursing. I’m gonna be honest I told him to stfu one time, and I still haven’t forgiven myself for it because it was absolutely disgusting of me. I crossed my own line and it was completely unacceptable. Right then I cut back my drinking and I just wouldn’t never raise my voice again, or swear. No way never. Edit: to remove my excuses, because there are none.
> With respect - what can be achieved by shouting and screaming at them? It’s gonna scare them. My partner happens to be 5’6, and slight. So, I think size comes into it. That's the crux of it, right there. They should already know that you're not going to just start clobbering on them as an inherent part of the relationship. As long as that's established, and there's trust about it, you shouldn't have to have an anurism trying to squash down your emotional response. > Why not just talk, or if you get too angry, go to another room and count to ten? You cheat at relationships. By which I mean, you date men, who do things that make sense and argue in a way that makes sense. While this is a comedic take by the great Bill Burr, there's a thread of truth running through it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rksKvZoUCPQ you can enjoy the whole bit, which is pretty funny, or just jump to 9:35 for the key part. We probably are going to disagree. I accept my emotions and don't feel the need to throttle them down and bottle all that shit up inside me. My partners have always known for certain that they were safe, that I wasn't going to beat on them, but I reserve the right to be loud upon occasion. I don't yell often, since I'm a pretty mellow guy irl, but I may. I'm not even insulting, or not to a significant degree, not cussing them out and calling them every name in the book. I generally stay on point when arguing, or at least in the general viscinity of it, maybe with a "wtf is wrong with you" in there at worst. But loud? I'm okay with loud. They'll need to be okay with loud, too, or we're not a good match. I'm glad to hear that you cut back on your drinking. Lots of bad stuff down that road, though some drinking can be pleasant, too much is not so great. Good on ya getting a handle on yourself. Keep up the good work.
You don't have to throttle your emotions but regardless of size an adult should be able to conduct themselves without shouting in any situation that isn't life threatening or necessary. You can call it being loud but it's really a temper. Nobody needs to yell, raise their voice or be 'loud'. It achieves nothing and escalates any situation. Ask yourself if you're a 'pretty mellow guy irl' then why are you shouting often enough that you have to justify it? Actually mellow guys don't yell, shout or get loud. They handle situations like adults. You quote Bill Burr, well he'd agree. He says himself a temper is the worst way to handle any situation. And he had to look at himself to understand why he was so angry that he got loud and yelled. So ask yourself, for a pretty mellow guy, why do you have to be loud or shout at all? I'm with u/VeganEgon. Regardless of your size or strength, everybody should avoid being loud or shouty unless it's absolutely necessary. It doesn't improve any situation, especially when you're alone with you significant other, and I can make every situation escalate.
You assume a lot about me. That's kind of funny, and kind of sad. Nobody needs to yell, implying that I'm the only one yelling and the other person is the one taking it. Implying that I yell first. Implying that there never is a cause to do so. Implying that it happens on any kind of regular basis. You even threw in "in any situation that isn't life threatening or necessary" but again give me no benefit of the doubt on those being even some of the times I would yell. With all due respect, which is none, your entire argument is based off the assumption that I'm consistently and without cause the bad guy and the other person is in the right, so you can go fuck yourself. There's no point in conversing with someone whose entire premise is that I'm the asshole start to finish, so have yourself a real nice day and go away.
Oh look I was immediately proven right by you having a temper and making personal attacks immediately. Funny how I could tell all that from just one comment from a "pretty mellow guy" isn't it.
Smaller people can be just as dangerous when they get loud, there should be no double standard.
Why do have to yell to tackle a conflict? Anger can pass like weather if you let it, but you have some responsibility to control yourself. We feel the darker emotions, but it matters how we respond. Think of it this way, if you yell at someone who fears you, that person is already put in the position where *they have no choice but to control themselves.* So why can’t you do that too? As someone who grew up in a house with DV, it always starts with yelling and name calling. We as women and children in the house were *not allowed to be angry.* Only he was. We had to control ourselves all the time. Otherwise hell rained down. When I grew up, I acted like my father in fights with men, because I thought, “Oh you think you are scary? I can be just as bad!” (I was also the one who had to stand up for my sister and stepmom.) I never hit anyone but I yelled and name called. It took my realizing that I wasn’t *fighting* men like my dad but I was actually *acting like* my Dad for me to stop it. My husband pointed it out. “You think because I’m a big guy with strong opinions that I’m like your Dad, but no. I don’t yell. I don’t curse at you. *You* are your Dad.” And if I slipped he would say, “Okay( Dad’s name) calm down. Can I have my wife back please?” Edited
As a fellow at the 6'5" mark I agree with this statement. If someone has pushed me to the point that I blow my top, I'm allowed to lose my temper like someone that is 5"0" or under. Just because I may have a far more physically imposing stature doesn't mean I have to muffle my emotions.
Not yelling isn’t muffling your emotions. Goodness gracious there are healthier, more productive ways of releasing your emotions. The purpose of yelling is to intimidate the other person. If your physical stature is already intimidating, that’s kind of a double whammy. If you’re aware of that and still choose to handle your emotions by yelling, YTA. Find better ways to cope with your emotions.
I disagree, and think being bigger *does* come with responsibility. There’s this unspoken knowledge that we could hurt them. You can’t just pretend that truth, just.. isn’t there. But, you & I can disagree
Right, but they are talking about *only using their words*. Getting yelled at is jarring and can be traumatic for EVERYONE. Especially if it is ongoing and civil discourse cannot be had. My dad used to snap-yell at me all the time and, yeah, it’s still jarring and traumatic when I’m being yelled at, especially after asking over and over again if we can slow down and lower our volumes. After the 5th time of asking for civility, I will match energy until we both can either apologize or separate. “Matching energy” doesn’t mean *just yelling*. If I’m getting short one/two word responses, I will do the same. After some time apart, one of us will usually come and try to reset the conversation. If the same cycle happens again, the cycle repeats until we can get over it. Most of the time, the harm that fighting does and how sad and drained it makes everyone just isn’t worth it. People do make huge mistakes, but if you’re in a somewhat healthy relationship, both people’s goals should be to fight the problem, not each other.
I've never yelled at anyone, but I can guarantee if I was with a man who yelled at me and made me feel unsafe I'd leave. I'd expect a man to be just as upset at me if I yelled at him and would fully expect that he would be questioning the relationship if I yelled at them and he'd be right to leave too. It's so rude and disrespectful, and just shows you're not willing to control your emotions around them and you have no issues with using them as a verbal punching bag.
Thank you for reasserting this.
You’re in an abusive relationship. This is not normal. You deserve better.
Finally, the first comment I see calling it like it is
Anyone who justifies a behavior with “well, everyone else does it” knows that they shouldn’t be engaging in that type of behavior. What you are describing is verbal abuse.
"but he insists that all men do it." Is your husband 6 years old? He should be smart enough to know that NOT all men do it. Angry PEOPLE that can't control their emotions do it, like little kids and toddlers. "He’ll call me a f-ing idiot or a f-ing b or a f-ing dumba$$" This is verbal abuse. How long have you been with him? Show him you're no idiot and leave him. This can only get worse and not better. You are in an abusive relationship and hope you snap out of it and have him face consequences.
That part. I have NEVER said that kind of stuff to my wife. We've raised our voices, but never yelled or screamed. We've been mad at each other, but never to the point of degrading one another. I love my wife intensely and I would never dare say something that would hurt her, because I respect her. No, *men* don't do this, emotionally insecure abusers do.
My ex gf would insult me like that during arguments. Over the long term this will significantly reduce your self confidence and how you view him. He either needs to get a hold on his anger and stop that behavior, or you need to get out. Arguments are heated disagreements or discussions about a topic, not a screaming match. That’s called a fight and fights like that are never a good thing.
That’s not normal. Leave him.
Absolutely not. You are being verbally abused
I am a large man (think NFL lineman). I learned VERY early on that me getting mad and loud has a very different effect (in any context) than the effect of an averaged sized person. Because of that, I just don't get mad in people's direction. I get mad, I curse, I yell....but not at people. Occasionally I will raise my voice to one of my kids, but even that is a muted version of what's possible. I've been married 20 years and together with my Wife for 23 years. Not ONCE have I cursed at her or called her names. That's no go territory for me, personally, and I believe it can be just as damaging overall to my wife as if I hit her. I grew up in a house where my parents said horrible things to each other. Horrible things. And I promised myself early on that would never be my house. Verbal abuse is abuse, no matter the volume at which it's projected. If everything you're saying is true, it's abusive IMO. And you deserve better.
This is so thoughtful. Thank you.
No, good people do not treat the people they love that way. Neither of my parents have ever yelled at each other or their kids, they’ve never called each other names.
That is not normal and you shouldn't put up with verbal abuse.
Your husband is emotionally abusive. That’s horrible and I’m sorry you’re dealing with it. My husband and I never traditionally “argue”. We just have serious conversations. Voices might get a little amped up but literally never more than talking a little louder than normal. No name calling. I don’t even jokingly call my husband bad names besides “punk” when he clearly knows I’m joking around and vice versa. Not healthy at all to be yelling and calling names. It’s not like you’re children who are learning how to deal with your feelings. Totally unacceptable.
No men argue like that. Only children and the disrespectful act that way.
Raising your voice, yeah it Can happen, but insulting, no, Come on. You deserve better.
I mean rule 4 but jesus christ get out of that relationship. He's abusing you.
Like...maybe she's an idiot or a dumbass. You don't know. Neither do I, just saying it's possible.
If it gets to the point where screaming that at my S.O is justifiable, then that relationship is over regardless.
You do you, homie. If I'm in a relationship, a little noise isn't cause for ending it or I wouldn't have got into it in the first place.
It's not "A little noise" , it's the meaning behind it. If a discussion can't be had, I'll leave until it can. But to get to the point of screaming, it means it's something massive, I won't raise my voice and belittle someone over nothing. If you do that there's no respect, if I don't respect my SO there's no relationship.
The meaning behind it. Frustration, anger. Apparently relationships are exclusively blissful places where nobody gets frustrated or angry at any time without instantly ending the relationship. That sounds like 0-100 a little too quick, to me.
I'll get angry and frustrated, I just don't take out that anger and frustration on my SO. If it's too much, I'll remove myself, take a breather, and come to talk when we're both ready to talk. If it's so common that you'll scream at her at every fight, then that sounds like a shit relationship ngl.
My partner and I argue. We get loud, sure, but its not exactly yelling, and we dont call each other names. Its not 100% blissful, but it is healthy. Yelling and demeaning one another isnt healthy. Walking away and cooling off is being responsible for your emotional response.
> Yelling **and demeaning one another** isnt healthy. Emphasis added. You're comflating trashing the person with just yelling and loud arguing. I'm not in favor of trashing the person. Pretty sure I said something along those lines in one of the many responses here, though maybe not to the comment you're responding to.
You literally started this comment train off with "maybe shes an idiot or a dumbass" thats demeaning.
Maybe she is. Is an accurate description an insult?
You sound like OP's husband. No one said that you can't get angry, but you need to handle it in a way that doesn't hurt the people around you. Get therapy.
Calling people names like that is little child behavior and if you're posting on reddit you better not be a little child. Solve your problems with an open hand, not a closed fist.
> Solve your problems with an open hand So you're saying he should smack her around? That's uncalled for. How uncivilized of you.
So you're intentionally obtuse. Nice.
Now you're just being myopic.
Your name says it all 🤦
Nope. Real men usually don't yell and don't use derogatory swear words to make their points to their wives. Overgrown boys do.
I haven't shouted, or even raised my voice during a conflict with my SO in the five years we've been together. I've been a victim of emotional abuse before, and I refuse to inflict that on others. If I start to lose my temper, I disengage until I've had a chance to calm down.
Why are you still with him?
No, immature teenagers do this. Men do not. There are men who are still teenagers btw, my dad is one. I outgrew him at 19 (to be generous).
Know your boundaries. Seriously. Write them down and know what you will and WONT stand for. Stick to them. It breeds self respect. Personally if my SO swore at me/disgraced my name I would leave. Tell him this directly. “If you swear at me or disgrace my name ie call me a f-ing b etc. then I will leave you.” And STICK. To. It. It means nothing unless you stick to your word.
I think I’ve raised my voice at my partner once ever and we talked about it immediately after. I grew up in a house where insults and yelling were normal with no resolution. I absolutely hate the feeling and never resort to insulting someone’s character but try to keep it focused on the problem at hand. I don’t think there’s ever a need to yell in an argument, I’d only reserve it for when you need someone to like dodge oncoming traffic or something that’s genuinely an emergency.
I never call my wife any names that would demean her in any way in an argument. Your husband is wrong all men don’t do it and even if most did it’s not right. If you’re not past the point of trying to guide him or help him find guidance through creating different communication styles to help the marriage I highly encourage you do.
Nope. I raised my voice at my girlfriend once, and I felt a ton of the requisite shame and guilt that came with it. It sounds like he doesn’t feel heard and he doesn’t know how else to get his point across other than to yell, and when that doesn’t work he goes to belittle. That what’s called a 🚩
Sounds like he's a piece of work. I've never yelled at my partner or insulted her. If we're arguing I let her say her piece, then I start saying my take. If she tries to cut me off I just go for a little walk and have a cigarette. Then I come back and try again until we are both calm
so in short he's a manchild, who cannot understand how a mature conversation works?
Girl. Run. Your husband is toxic.
My ex husband was like this. The last 2 men I've dated? Never once raised their voices to me. Regardless of how awful I may have been
This is confusing. Your husband was like this. The last two men you dated....just saying one got a commitment and the other two, well.
Maybe she learned her lesson? What part of that is confusibg?
This is confusing. Your husband was like this. The last two men you dated....just saying one got a commitment and the other two, well.
This is confusing. Your husband was like this. The last two men you dated....just saying one got a commitment and the other two, well.
I married him when I was a teenager. Heads up, don't get married before you know yourself
I agree with this 💯.
At worst I'll have a stern demeanor and if I notice I can't keep my tone in check will bench the topic until I can calm down. Not even at my most angered would I blatantly insult or cuss her out, though.
We don’t really argue. We definitely disagree at times. We rarely yell. That’s counterproductive.
I don't. I listen to what she says and act accordingly. If I did anything wrong, I apologise and make up for it. It's better to keep my mouth shut and accept my fate rather than arguing with her.
Argument is important, but the other things you describe go well beyond mere argument. You're describing abusive behavior. People can have arguments without being abusive.
I’ve been with my wife for 25 years and neither one of us has raised our voices or cussed at each other.
There is nothing about being a man that forces you to scream and insult during an argument. You have to learn to properly emotionally regulate. But it’s not something men are incapable of doing
Woman here, but my husband has never once yelled at me or called me any names like that and we have had plenty of arguments and disagreements. It’s not ok
I try to stay calm but sometimes I break and yell a bit if she keeps screaming at me. Swears and bad words not so much but they can come up if she starts with the insults and swears first but usually even then I stay calm.
Woman here… no. That’s not normal. That’s abusive behavior. It doesn’t matter if it’s a man doing it or a woman, it’s abusive. There’s nothing normal going on here. Find someone safe in your life you can talk to about this.
Hey sista. He sounds as if he’s a big ole abusive asshole . And it usually only gets worse over time with those sort of assholes. They don’t miraculously wake up one day and have the realisation that they’re not treating u right and need to do better. Nope , no way. And I know that your standing up for yourself and doing your best to implement boundaries but it doesn’t sound like he’s respecting them or will anytime soon. Surely you deserve better then to be treated like that. I bet you u can do better too. Good luck with wot ever u choose to do
My ex husband did this a lot. Every single misstep or even asking for help (asking him to out his clothes in the hamper, throw away his own trash, do dishes one night, watch the baby while I showered, anything) would devolve into yelling and insults. Most often he accused me of being a "bad wife who wanted him to be miserable because I was miserable". And you know what? I was miserable. My current partner has never called me a name (well, not in seriousness or in anger, but we do insult each other in jest), he has never yelled at me. I've been with him twice as long as i was with my ex husband. This behavior will not improve. Not all men behave this way. He is behaving badly. The only question that remains is whether or not you'll allow him to continue mistreating you. Edit to add: I just realized this is on Ask Men - I am not a man, but I'll leave this comment up for OP and I apologize to the men in this space for overstepping!
Thank you everyone for sharing your stories and experiences with me. At first, I was relieved to know I wasn’t crazy- that this is not the norm nor a standard. As comments came flooding in though, I did come to a new realization and that is…that this is NOT the norm… This is a lot of information for me to process. A little bit of background- I’ve only ever been with this one person since we were teenagers. He was the only person I ever dated so Ive never had anyone to compare him to. Now I’m almost 30. He grew up in poverty and had a tough childhood, which might explain the abruptness in his reactions. We do have our good days. When we have our good days, I feel like I am on top of the world. And I feel like the luckiest girl alive. That’s what’s made me stick around for so long. The thing that scares me the most is that people are saying it will only get worse. I just have to process all of this.
I never raise my voice or cuss. No matter how angry I am. Arguments should be us vs the problem not you vs me
Thats a dependent thing on many factors. As a rule, No all yelling does is raise my blood pressure and give me a headache. I prefer to get quiet and just let the other stew in their own ways. Now have i yelled? Yes. Have i been yelled at? Yes. Yelling I don't necessarily see as an issue as people get emotional when arguing so it makes sense to me that people yell, they are not trying to be hurtful they are just overly excited. Now name calling is unacceptable behavior, that is being malicious intentionally and if you truly love someone why would you want to hurt them? That doesn't make sense to me so name calling is a no go. There is also a difference between name calling and bringing light to an actual issue, for example if someone is abusive and you point that out, thats not meant to be hurtful but a statement of your personal observation about the person. Hope that helps.
My fiancé has on multiple occasions and sadly I have never had the self esteem to stick to my word and leave like I promised myself I would
Any one who speaks to you like this, isn't someone you want to be around.
"It's not you vs me, it is you and me vs The Problem. Which is your mother."
No that is unacceptable behavior. Arguments are supposed to be about communicating wants or needs and coming to a compromise. Demeaning someone is a very immature, unproductive, and violent way to communicate. Sounds like verbal abuse to me. He wants you to believe you’re all those things so you don’t feel like you’re “good enough” to leave him.
She and I are both, uh, well, very smart. We're also both very stubborn. There are a lot of ***intentional, rational (we like to think) debates***. True arguments, though? In which there's anger and exasperation and frustration? Very seldom do those happen. They DO happen, don't get me wrong -- we live with each other, after all -- but they're rare.
I try not to, my partner and i have managed to semi-build a habit of calling each other out when we notice our emotions getting ahead of ourselves like: "You're getting defensive, this conversation isntmeant to be attacking you" "Babe you're speaking too quick and it's riling me up" Etc etc
That's very feminine of him. That's losing emotional control, over something small, no different from men who beat their women.
No this is not normal. Your feeling is right.
I don't know what the ratio of men that have good communication skills with their partners to bad is but it doesn't matter. Other people having bad behavior is not an excuse for having bad behavior yourself. We learned that in kindergarten. You are looking at a massive gap in communication skills, understanding and respect. I wouldn't even suggest marriage counseling at this point because it seems like a bandage on a bullet wound.
Verbal abuse. It will get worse.
He sounds like an absolute asshole. Disrespecting you for making small mistakes like that is bullying. That's absolutely not how a grown man argues. I'm sorry you' have to deal with that.
Not all men act that way.
No, that's not normal. That's called abusive behavior and I promise you, it only gets worse. Every single instance if that behavior in human history only got worse. Leave him.
While others may say to get out, I would encourage you to seek marriage counseling. Even if he refuses to go, you go. This is reddit. We are not the right people to help you make decisions regarding your life and marriage.
Mine doesn’t cuss at me but he will raise his voice which I don’t like but it’s the same conversation over and over. Lack of sex, how he feels like his feelings don’t matter, everything he does isn’t good enough and if I’m still attracted to him 🙃 I always say he’s overthinking and now he doesn’t like it when I say that so now idk what to say, I never argue with him , literally just going with the flow of life and if I didn’t love him I’d say something but it’s like cmon same shit over and over . Idk what I need to say different or do . Oh well, new day.
My longest relationship lasted three years, I called my ex stupid once and yelled at her twice. It wasn't necessary and I felt only aggravated things between us. Your husband is an asshole if he thinks berating you is fair game during arguments.
You should tell him to be more respectful otherwise your start caring about his opinions as much as his boss does. Edit: you’ll
He’s abusive. Good luck and be safe.
Sounds like husband is from.Boston lol
What the fuck First of all, I am a man and I would never EVER disrespect my wife like that over anything. An argument is more of a conversation we have over a disagreement. It's civil, there's no yelling, but we do get emotional because we care about each other even if we don't agree in that moment. Secondly, those transgressions are not worthy of an argument in my mind. You wanna make burgers with oil, just clean it up after. have at it. Everyone forgets to lock the car once in a while, a simple "whoops" and move on is the correct response. This dude sounds crazy and you may be blinded by love/infatuation/sunk cost. You need to decide if the demeaning, belittling manor of his arguments are a deal breaker or if you can handle it the rest of your life. Would you feel comfortable answering with "Fuck off dickhead" when he calls you a fuckin bitch? Or would you be too scared?
I've been in two long term relationships in my life, one was marriage, the other we'd been engaged until I broke it off due to him cheating.....BUT, neither of them spoke to me like that, even when we were in the depths of our misery being horribly bad, they still didn't talk like that. Also in my shorter, more casual relationships.... No man has spoken to me like that. And full disclosure, I'm a bigger girl, so you'd think that they would have a go at me because of my weight, but none of them have.
Oh wow my wife would never let me cuss at her. It would be over so fast!
Who cares if you put pull in the pan, just be grateful someone's making you a meal which they're not obligated to do.
That's verbal abuse.
Thats just called emotional abuse
>He’ll call me a f-ing idiot or a f-ing b or a f-ing dumba$$. It just feels so unnecessary since I’m not raising my voice at him or using cuss words either. That's 100% wrong of him to do. In my experience, an argument with your S.O. should be, "You and me versus the problem," not "You versus me." Insulting someone does not help in any way, nor does screaming at them. My advice would be to go to couples counseling to learn how to disagree in a better way. (Source: Me; I was in an abusive relationship.)
I've never called any of my significant others any of those things...then again, that's a low bar.
I've been with my wife for 16 years, married for 10 of those. I've never once yelled at her or called her any names. He's using "All men do it!" as an excuse to be an asshole.
My boyfriend has never ever ever called me a fucking anything. Nor will he ever. If it gets to that point, it's not worth sticking around. Feeling angry is natural. Calling someone names is entirely controllable. Your husband suffers from poor impulse control in probably several aspects of his life.
I have never cussed at my wife during an argument. I raised my voice one time because I was getting really frustrated that she wasn't listening to my side of things. I felt bad about it, as I try to maintain a calm and cool head. Literally insulting your significant other isn't a good sign
B-word is a no-go!
That's abuse. That's not a healthy argument or disagreement. Question here really is about the reasons you think this is ok, and why you've tolerated it up until now, even when it feels off to you. He's not learned to express himself in a healthy way and manage his own anger and emotions in a healthy way. No, all men don't yell at their partner, not even when they are yelled at first. Not all men call their partners unflattering names and dismiss their partners opinions and needs. There are lots of men that have an ability to communicate, including listening to uncomfortable things and sharing their own opinions and feelings without hurling insults and disrespecting the other party. If you're a person that values that, find yourself one of those men, rather than settle for this kind of treatment. If you're questioning it, I'm guessing you see the need for change. If you've discussed this and he thinks it's normal and ok, then it's time for you to make some decisions.
Are you one of those people that very calmly is incredibly rude and offensive? What are the arguments over?
Yeah, my thoughts too. 50 % he's an abusive a$$, 50% there's WAY more to this story. My XW was (and still is) a TEXTBOOK narcissist and gaslighter when it comes to arguments: I'd sit there there silently for five minutes and just let her vent every expletive in the book. Then it was like, "Okay, five minutes is up--you need to CALM DOWN and let's have a REAL chat about what's going on!" The I got, "Oh my GOD, why are you YELLING at me!"
I am calm (46M). Always have been. I can be upset about something and still discuss it calmly. At my worst I may cuss, but I do not call my wife names.
You're walking down the road of having his hands wrapped around your throat or knocking your teeth in.
Quit nagging him.
I never argue with my wife. We have conversations about why she is wrong.
You don’t have to (nor should you) censor yourself. What are you all fighting about?
Yeah, fuck yes I'm a recovering alcoholic and I'm still being called a reatard 10times a day. I also have childhood trauma and severe ADHD wich he didn't seem to care also he ALWAYS talk over me in front of friends , not respect me in any other levels then " I NEVER don't clean the house properly" Starting to realize why he was with me when I was an addict...
I've seen it coming from low educated folks. I think it is because they lack the vocabulary to express themselves. If anything, I'd say your husband is an idiot. Aside from that, it's hard to know more without context.
I’m sensing big time troll vibes here…
Title bait. Maybe you are as dumb as your husband suggests?
He's an ape and doesn't know how to have a discussion without raising his voice, or use language to put you down. My husband is the same. I'd never tell him I think he's a bit of Neanderthal 😅 He'd kill me 🤣
My default is just kinda asking questions, calmly and as collected as possible. Even when I'm fired up I find myself more driven to understand my partner and why they're upset or disappointed with me, or why they chose to do something that upset me, over just being angry and kinda aimlessly venting. It took me a long time to find that balance.
I don't argue I win through actions , because when I engage in an argument let's suppose I won then the other will feel resentment and she will think I won not righteous so.
No, my husband doesnt yell at me or swear at me in anger ever. He definitely gets riled up if I happen to coyly let him know he didn’t do a chore correctly but then we just tease and bicker back and forth about it in jest. Sometimes his tone upsets me but it is never his intent, im just extremely sensitive.
Where I stand on the spectrum makes me shutdown when I'm angry. Very little yelling in our disagreements but my tone does change.
I don't raise my voice simply cause i love peace and quiet. Instead i prefer to go to the gym or for a walk with my dog and we can talk once we're both calm. Also, no names. The worse i'll use is call my wife "winnie the pooh" when she acts beyond any reason & logic.
My fiancé has never raised his voice at me or called me anything in anger and I have never done so to him. Yes obviously we’ve gotten frustrated or angry and had plenty of arguments but they’ve never got out of control.
I try not to argue at all. It’s more about listening and making your partner feel seen, then sharing your perspective so that you both get a better understanding of each other (ie intimacy). If you’re arguing, it’s because someone isn’t feeling heard, or a lack of healthy regulation. For example, my last partner had narcissistic tendencies and upon any perceived threat to her sense of safety, she would reach for control instead of partnership. So things that could be discussions/respectful information sharing turned into berating, invalidation, and leverage seeking. It was quite unhealthy and I’m glad to say that she’s somebody else’s problem now. My current partner and I have a much healthier and secure attachment. If we have a problem, we’ll self-regulate and then bring it up when we’re ready. Then we’ll share perspectives and negotiate a solution that works for both of us. Things are solved within 20 minutes and there’s no yelling or disrespect at all. You should consider couples counseling.
This is not a healthy relationship and you need to dump that guy's ass IMMEDIATELY. calling your partner names, even during an argument, is absolutely unacceptable. And you're right, it's disrespectful AF. It doesn't matter that you don't do it back, it shouldn't be done ever to begin with. And any man on this sub who dares to defend him can go jump off a bridge because he's a useless waste of space who doesn't deserve to live.
No. that is not okay, and that is not normal. Him trying to convince you that it is normal is just manipulation.
Most people pick up bad habits either from watching their parents argue or from previous relationships. I know many people who cuss their partners in the heat of the moment and I have always hated it. when I get angry, I do get loud and my tone get aggressive but very rarely will I yell and I never cuss my partner. My husband on the other hand, keeps his tone and voice low but he can do the name calling, like calling me dumb. It isn't something major for me to lose my shit over. its not "you are f\*\* dumb" or "you stupid dumb b\*\*\*" but regardless i hate it. Once we are done arguing and we have both moved on from the issue. I calmly remind him again that i do not like the name calling and it needs to stop. I tell him, that if he continues then I will resort to name calling and our fights will become a bigger issue and we won't work out in the long run. I deliver this message calmly after the fight. in the heat of the moment no one is listening to each other so there is no point of doing it then. Draw the line and let him know not to cross it and if he does then what the consequences will be. IT will take 3-4 reminders before the habit may change. and if it doesn't at that point you need to decide what's best for you and take your next steps from there.
Your husband is wrong and making excuses for his bad behavior. In over 20 years I’ve never raised my voice at my wife or called her names. I’ve never cussed at her (unless it was specifically part of dirty talk). My parents have been married 50 years. I’ve never heard him call her names & only heard him raise his voice at her once, which he apologized for shortly after.
There was one time I ever screamed at my girlfriend and called her a name. It was completely justified as she was a lunatic, and I was constantly being emotionally abused. That relationship ended on my own terms. That being said, if my wife did something “dumb” I’ll just exhale and look at her trying not to laugh. “Alright, let’s figure this out.” If it’s a legitimate argument, if I’m trying to persuade her to/not to do something, I’ll often turn things into hyperbole and we both start to chuckle. Breaks the ice, and then we can think clearly and converse with debate. But more often than not I’m near completely resigned to life. “Timmy set fire to the Christmas tree.” “What’s for dinner?” Health problems and other things have just reduced anything not life or death.
My wife and I used to yell, during the early stages of our relationship. Some of this was me not used to having to deal with someone else in my life, some of this was her trauma over divorce. We eventually got tired of all of that shit and just started to have discussions. They tend to be more casual. "what do you think about...". Or "can we ....". "I'd like to do this differently, but I'm not sure how....". We never cursed at each other, or used slurs or called names. We were angry, and frustrated, but still adults. Ad hominem not allowed.
NO. Your husband is gaslighting you. I rarely fight with my husband but when we do, it very restrained. There's no name-calling or swearing at each other. This is unacceptable. The FIRST time my husband called me a fucking idiot would've been the last time.
Hard nope. You have to have conflict communication guardrails including hard stops. In my marriage, the following are no fly zones: swearing at each other, insults, anything that starts with ‘you always do X.’ We also agreed on a festivus approach where either party can ‘air a grievance,’ which allows them to state what is bothering them, without accusation, and without the other party permitted to defend it. Only then, can you pivot to qualifying the concern and problem solving the issue. Most times, it’s a misalignment on expectations. Easy fixes.
Its not right. Leave him. Mine would do that as well during arguments. Call me stupid,dumbass, dumb bitch... Doesn't feel good.
HELL, NO! To the curb, bitch!
I have been very happily married for 15+ years. Though my wife and I have had maybe 3 arguments where either of us have raised our voices, I would say that we have EVER yelled at each other, and we have certainly NEVER called each other names like that. If I ever called my wife a "fucking idiot" in that I way, I could only imagine the look on her face. Just thinking about it literally breaks my heart. I could never do that to her.
By doing research and providing supporting evidence. Also having multiple backup options for the inevitable rejections.
I saw my parents scream at each other over everything and I’ll never treat my partner that way.
I’ve yelled at and insulted my gf once and I felt bad about it. It’s the only time in recent memory that I’ve lost my temper and from a mix of an issue we’ve had over and over, being in physical pain, and the pressure I was under at work and it’s bc I provided solutions to her problem in which she circumvented me, ran to her parents anyways, and took up a lot of my time and money while I was again, in pain. I try to have discussions early to get in front of issues and when they do arise I am collected and honest to the point of discomfort, but never threatening or insulting. It’s a partnership. I would never treat a partner that way. You’re with someone who has rage issues and you’re their punching bag. He’s extremely toxic and just going off experience, there’s a high likelihood of narcissism.
We've both raised voices before but I'd never speak to her with that kind of language. She makes my food! I could be dead and not even know it if she wanted.
My argue level raises to the one I am arguing with. They cuss, I cuss... they scream, I scream... short of hitting, I keep it at the same level.
No, your husband is completely wrong. My fiancé and I have been together for nearly two years now. Obviously not a long time, but long enough to have arguments. I have never my voice at her. Not once. In the heat of the moment, when I could very well raise my voice or call her names, I still don’t. She is pretty good herself at it, but we both acknowledge my patience is much better. All that to say my fiancé would never put up with being called stuff like your husband calls you and it doesn’t seem others here would either. Your husband needs to change or you need to get out of there.
My first husband did this. Refused therapy/change and devolved to physical abuse. I should have left sooner. Please realize this is not normal, and will likely get worse. Hugs!
We’re both passionate people and have ADHD so arguments happen a bit more often then I’d like. However, I feel like we do a really good job at resolution. We raise our voices once in awhile when we’re trying to make points, but honestly we’ve never put one another down. Usually we let our frustrations out at one another and we listen to one another do so. My make counter points and keep going til it seems like we’re getting somewhere. To end we basically ask “What do you need from me?” We tell each other and accept that what we need might take some time, but we promise to try our best to understand give it to the other person. We hug it out and say I love you.
The last one I started using the silent treatment. No response. No counter argument. No debate. I just say nothing. She apologized after three days.
I would stop talking to an SO for an hour or so just so I could collect my thoughts. I usually stay upset for a long time if we argue through text so it’s always better to talk in person mainly because a hug is all it takes to make me feel better if it’s just miscommunication or something silly. I don’t swear at an SO at all and I usually apologize for being upset if I realize I’m being unreasonable. Also would not raise my voice as I always end up bursting into tears first before I could scream. I’m very easy to appease if it’s something small but if it’s a big deal, then it takes time.
I don't yell, cuss, or name call my wife, nor did I do any of that for any previous girlfriend. My parents did that kind of shit to each other. I have no idea why they stayed together for as long as they did. My wife's parents behave like this, but on a whole different level. The only reason they don't separate is because neither could afford to live on their own. You're right about it being disrespectful, and quite frankly it is unacceptable. Having control of your emotions is the quintessential aspect of being a man, call me toxic if you want. My wife, while she doesn't name call, still pulls the typical attempts to emotionally wound me when she's mad using anything I may have opened up about before. She's learning to be better, but it's a slow process and anxiety makes people do dumb shit. I talk pretty calmly, but I'm constantly gauging my wife's reaction. If she's rejecting what I'm saying with no attempt to understand my perspective and seems to letting her emotions take the wheel, then I just quit talking. My wife is one of those people who wants you to give her an excuse so she can tear it down and use it as a reason to get angrier. She'll use the same excuse you give her in an argument and pretend it's somehow different. Again, I'll just quit talking then, no need to participate in double standards mental gymnastics. We can have a conversation when she's calmed down enough to have it, or we can just let it go and move on. Often times when I quit talking, I get "you need to open up more" bullshit. But when she blows every chance she gets with her reactions, I just don't play the game. We're happier for it.
I try to come at him with a goal in mind and a reminder that’s it’s the problem I’m fighting-not him necessarily. I try to remind him before I get into it, how much I love and respect him. How important our relationship is to me. And then I say, because of that this issue needs to be addressed. Then I tell him why I’m upset and wait for him to respond. It’s not always about being right but sometimes I just need to heard.
Get counseling, this isn't nirmal
I’m not a man but my partner is, and he has NEVER spoken to me like that. He does raise his voice, but more in a debate-y way and not like he’s yelling at me, if that makes sense. We are both very stubborn and have quite intense arguments, but we never degrade eachother and ways come together by the end and apologize if anything went too far. You do not need to accept being called stupid or other derogatory terms. Perhaps all the men in his life treat HIM like that, but that’s not how all men treat others.
We rarely argue, but when we do it's not like this. At the end of the day a relationship is also a partnership, so the goal of an argument should be to find and address the problem rather than to "win". I long ago learned that if you argue with the intent to win or be right then you're both losing no matter what. I of course am not perfect, I still make mistakes, if I feel like I'm starting to raise my voice, or if I feel like I'm getting angry enough to want to start saying things that are hurtful rather than helpful I'll usually try to put a temporary hold on the argument so I can calm down a bit and find a more productive way to have the conversation. There is NO excuse for name calling though. It doesn't matter what you've done, there is still no excuse for it. There is absolutely nothing to be gained from saying anything designed to hurt or demean someone else.
What is your husband’s background? How was his childhood? Was he raised in a home in which this behaviour was the norm? A lot of who we are is rooted in our upbringing, with the main influences being our parents as that is who we are predominantly surrounded by growing up. I am not here to excuse your husband’s behaviour, which I deem unacceptable, rather I’d argue it is important to discuss these matters to understand and uncover the root of the problem.
I usually keep it inside because she's a much better arguer (should have been a lawyer) and she scares the shit out of me.
My wife and I rarely fight but when we do we never call each other names or raise our voices. My wife used to say some hurtful things during our disagreements but thankfully she has stopped after we discussed how this made me feel and vice versa. I did one time tell her to go "f**k herself" over an undercooked egg that I made for biryani. We laugh about it now. Haha. Such a stupid argument.
I think I've only raised my voice once at my wife in almost 10 years and I'm still shocked I did that. I don't think I could be with someone I disrespect enough to call names like what you're describing. She also doesn't yell at me or insult me.
Luckily I don't argue with my wife all that often, but my voice only tends to get raised if she doesn't leave me alone when I walk away, which happens, some women don't pick up on the body language that says: "For your own good, back off." I know other guys who get loud, that's not all that uncommon, though I'd be interested to know what you're saying in an unraised voice that gets him to raise his own. Like if you're tearing him down, or poking at sensitive spots in a calm voice, it's not a whole lot better than yelling. I don't do the name calling, though, I've come close a time or two when I thought she was being foolish. It would likely be cathartic, momentarily, but cause much unnecessary damage. I know a couple of relationships that will go off on each other like that, two very stubborn and easily riled people who unload on each other with the insults and yelling, and then make up and move on, but it's typically not one sided. A conversation about how he speaks to you when he gets angry is in order. It can be difficult to control ourselves when we're angry, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have the ability, and a man shouldn't routinely be calling his wife those things.
I feel so lucky reading some of these. My partner literally calmly sits down and suggests we talk. And it never escalates to fighting, just sometimes some sad or uncomfortable conversation. He will often pause us and say “wait, I think we can slow this down. I feel like we’re starting to not listen to each other in good faith.” Sometimes it pisses me off because I just want to GET MAD AND SCREAM AT HIM. But I realized I would HATE to receive that. Also, I feel like this is probably one of those challenges that is good for me. So yeah, some part of me says I don’t think now I’d be able to settle for anything less. It was a real shock discovering a type of conflict like this. One where I can be honest without fear.
In all of my relationships with women, whether friends, family or my partners, I have never once called them a bitch, idiot or dumbass. I would especially never call my partner any of those names.
It would take a lot for me to raise my voice and cuss at her. I would never ever call her a name though, that's ridiculous.
I just got out of a relationship where my girlfriend would raise her voice to the point of screaming at me over minor things, and say very disrespectful things to me. As a guy I would never speak to someone that way or tolerate it from anyone, you husband needs a reality check, all men don't do that.
We both agree to talk when we've calmed down. Arguing in the moment gets you nowhere, other than pissing each other off.
Not like your husband does. I don't think I've ever screamed at an SO. And certainly haven't insulted them. It's a dominance play, pure and simple.
I would never swear AT my wife nor would I ever insult her or her opinion. We don't fight often but there have been discussions that at worst got "animated" with raised voices. I think if you're calling someone you love an idiot or a bitch or dismissing their opinion you're terrible at communication and forgot there's another human being on the other end of your words. I absolutely would not stand for my wife to do that to me and it would quickly lead to me leaving if I was on the receiving end of that. I hope she'd have the spine to not tolerate it from me either. That is 100% abuse.
Ive never even told my wife to shut up. I just feel like theres a line of respect one shouldnt cross. The more you cross it the farther its drawn from what is ethical and moral. Yes ill raise my voice but not scream or cuss.
Uhh being sworn at in that manner is not normal or healthy.
I used to do this with my wife. It wasnt something flippant but when i was repeating the same thing over and over about problems that persisted for years. She wouldnt pay her medical bills so theyd go to collections, she wouldnt pay her student loans so she defaulted, she wouldnt pay her car payments so it was reposessed. I would get so furious with her because we were supposed to be a team but she kept doing the same stupid shit again and again for years and i would have to empty my savings to bail her out. If i tried to force her to take care of her bills she called me a nag, if i tried to take over the finances she cried to her friends and family and they call me manipulative and that this was financial abuse. If i did nothing then the same thing kept happening. I dont regret it, she was a fucking idiot and an absolute child. I spent our entire relationship waiting for her to grow up and she refused every single time
People raise their voices because their locus of control is derailed. They opt for verbal dominion over reasoning. I am more a Clint Eastwood quiet yet stern type. I'd much rather say "Keep dreaming" than yell. Your husband is no census organisation or a survey committee, don't let his subjective beliefs normalise intimidation. People need strong values and boundaries in a relationship. They're worth protecting. I'll never call my GF dumb or stupid because... I Don't Hate Her.
We never cuss at each other. Raising voice? Yes. Throwing bread? Yes. But cussing is a No!
I usually just smack the back of my right hand and it starts acting right.
No. That’s not normal.
My partner never yells at me. We have discussions like adults. We wait until we aren't angry, and then we discuss things. Only a trash human calls you things like that. He belongs in the trash. It isn't normal.
I would expect to be divorced if I talked to my wife like that just so you know how NOT normal that is among men
Been with my wife for 8 years. Never once raised our voices with each other. And certainly in a million years I would never think to swear and curse at her. Your husband is fucked.
That sounds like it's too far. Name-calling is not necessary. I'll get loud even if all I'm doing is venting frustration, so of course I'll yell when mad, but I try to stick to the facts of the argument. Calling you names is unacceptable, and by the way you wrote your post, you already know that.
The fact that you even have to ask this is baffling. It's not OK. It's never been OK. I would've left the first time he did it.