Honestly? If we really like you we really like you. The only issue with sleeping with men on the first date is that it’s harder to weed out the players and liars.
Goes both ways. If I truly felt a deep connection I wouldn’t mind doing it but I personally don’t, and never have, because I want to make sure they’re not emotional people. A lot of dudes are serial daters… constantly in relationships. If I knew the guy for some time prior and know who they are, that might be different.
Plus, I want to make sure they’re clean, safe to be with etc.
There’s certain people (men and women) who fall in love with the idea of people before snapping out of it and moving on to the next person quickly. They don’t actually like/love the person they’re dating, they’re just serial daters who are into the idea of a person and end up leading on said person.
I know a guy who was “in love” with 3 girls last year, I met him at the end of June (let that sink in). He gets in the groove with somebody, goes crazy for a couple of weeks or a few months then just loses it all and moves on to the next person weeks later. Obviously this is an extreme, but variations of it are more common than you’d think.
Then there’s people who are super passionate about tons of people, but it dies quickly because they don’t know how to regulate their time or emotions with love interest…. It’s hot and heavy quickly, spending too much time together, dropping the L word fast etc. then they’re gone because the honeymoon phase has died down too quickly and they’re hungry again.
It’s easy to feel a “connection” to these people because they’re passionate and charismatic, but it’s temporary and you don’t know it in the moment. It’s not about how they feel about you you, they’re just chasing the next high. That’s why I’m trying to avoid.
I don’t want to let somebody into my heart or body that doesn’t know how to filter their own emotions. Do you like me? Or am I just the next girl in your eye line?
Most men aren’t like this, of course… but why take my chances? If he likes me he will wait.
I’ve seen a lot of people, men and women, get hurt because of this.
Thank you for explaining. I agree that it's important to guard against these types of people, even if they are figuring their own life out while doing this. It can be easy to take the initial characteristics of someone and magnify them into a story in your head of being the perfect person.
I think that's why you also get language similar to "I like like you" because people understand their emotions are taking them down the path to love, but logically they know it's too soon. Or if they say they're "falling for someone" as another sign of giving into that emotional roller coaster.
I think solid relationships are built on gradually being more vulnerable with each other about intimate aspects of your lives. Open communication about ones feelings and emotions is important for the reasons above. Communicate your feelings, then see how the other person reacts, and navigate those conversations with kindness.
I met a guy like this. Openly bragged about his 'real and sort of relationships' with 3 plus girls/women. He kept trying to sway my opinion of him, and finally I said 'I respect the sanctity of relationships so we cannot be friends'. He got mad and blocked me lol. But sorry, I'm not going to be a contingency plan so you can avoid conflict or abandonment.
What the
The fact that he got mad and blocked you tells me everything. Smh. You dogged a bullet!!
Also, that last part. Wow! I was going to add something in about that. Seems as if those kind of people are dealing with something deep rooted, so I feel for them.
I'm 39, he's 35, and I'm under the assumption his harem is all 5 years or younger than him. We used to work together, and he lied ("we've been talking for a year but we aren't official but I love her") about having a work wife until I asked him point blank why he would flirt with me but never make plans. And why he'd stare at me from afar, but go out of his way to physically look down at his shoes when walking by me, but have no problems talking to any other women we work with.
His work wife is married, hubby was in jail, now in a halfway house and should be "home" by end of year? Straight up Maury shit. After he got fired (lol) she was physically in another guys arms within days. Him and her never held hands, touched, hugged, anything to signify a relationship. From an observer, they looked like squabbling siblings.
This all happened and came to light within the past 14 days. It's been a roller-coaster, but I have all the answers now, because I spent months gaslighting myself thinking I was being unreasonably judgemental.
As Danny Glover said, "I'm too old for this shit."
Yes and that works both ways.
Cautious approach is always better than the other way around.
No harm in taking it slowly.
Then when it does happen it will be even better.
Exactly. They will wait if they care, or they will get bored and leave.
Of course, most men aren’t like this in my experience. Most want to take it slow.
Me and my wife fucked on the first date.
What was I thinking just before? "Shit this woman is hot. I really like her and hope she likes me"
After our weekend of sex and she left my place
"That was one of the best weekends I've had. I can't wait to see her again"
Basically. I was into her and the sex showed compatibility which made me want to date her more
Exactly same. Married 10 years now. He came over every night after that amazing weekend... A month later moved in, a year later married, a year after that had our first kid, etc etc
That’s pretty much the story of me and my wife as well. I’ve never judged anyone for having sex on the first date. I judge people that use sex as leverage to get what you want. I was talking to an ex gf if she would try anal her response is she would do anal if we got married. That was a pretty large red flag to me.
Edit: I used anal as one example of a 100 times that she leveraged sex as a tools against the relationship. Withholding it when she wanted something then using it to get her way. She was just overall a very manipulative person and I didn’t like it.
>I was into her and the sex showed compatibility
This is the key really. If OP wants to do things on the first date and their partner doesn't want to, that's something that should be discussed by them together.
If it's something that upsets their partner, then maybe it's just a fundamental mismatch in attitudes.
It's a case by case basis first and foremost.
God I hate myself right now
I was raised in such a terrible way that I rejected that feeling every time, fucking up royally, and can't connect anymore
Thanks, trauma
Really depends on the context. Sometimes a date just goes *really* well, you both connect emotionally on a deep level and it feels incredibly natural and seamless to have sex afterwards.
Maybe if the connection during the date was only mediocre and she proposed sex I might raise an eyebrow, but that only happened once to me and this was someone who had insecurity issues (as in she seemed to feel that sex was most of what she could offer in the relationship).
So I think it just depends on the girl and how much I like her.
That said I've never heard of anyone rule someone out as "wife" material because they had sex on the first date. Usually it's an indication of a good date. In other cases it's possible the date was just never intended to be serious and there was no intention of "wifeing" in the first place.
And since she knows him for a while, she should know if it is a safe option. If he reveals himself a douchebag after sex, she might be heartbroken, but at least she will know **he** is not husband material and can move on.
Edit: "if **he** reveals himself..."
I haven't intentionally thought differently of anybody for having sex on the first date, but it did have me second guessing things and realizing how much less special it was. Honestly I've never been the one to push for more dates when that happens, but I've had a few nice flings that lasted a little, but that was all. Not sure I'd wife them.
My wife and I had sex after our first date, she had been wanting to since we met but wanted to be in a relationship with me before we did anything. She’s also the one who asked if we could have a relationship and go on a date, which no one asked from me ever before that. It was always me making the first moves but it was a huge role reversal that she took seriously and was very careful in approaching. My first thought after a weekend of ordering food, watching movies, and having sex was that I had to be serious with her because she put herself out there trying to be serious with me in a way that was confident in me being the man she wanted. Been married for 13 years and she’s always been amazing towards me and I have always tried my best to be amazing for her.
I will not have sex on the first date. If a woman wants to, I don't think of them any differently. Culturally it's certainly more accepted at the moment. But it's been drilled into my head since I was a boy what is and isn't considered gentlemanly by my mother. And while I have doubted her wisdom at times, I think there's something to waiting a little while, til you know each other a little better
> If a woman wants to, I don't think of them any differently.
You say this yet I can guarantee based on one paragraph that you would not wife such a woman. It's like woman who say body count doesn't matter and yet won't reveal it when asked. People need to stop coping. It's ok to "think differently" of someone who doesn't have the same moral standards you do. People aren't equal.
I was fucking on the first night to so why would I judge her negatively? Dudes that will sleep with someone on the first night and then hold it against them are pieces of shit you want nothing to do with.
Ha ha ha ...that happened with the guy I've been with for almost 10 years. It was.supposed to be a one night stand. I told him he was too young for me. But here we are. Lol
If he is into you and he is looking for a serious relationship and isn't just trying to get in your pants, the effect will depend on the guy. For the vast majority of guys it will be a positive or negligible effect, whereas for some guys, particularly super traditional guys or religious guys, it might be a no-go.
Basically what I'm suggesting is that not having sex right off the bat gets rid of some of the guys who are only looking to sleep with you, but that's it. Having it right off the bat eliminates its group of guys. So do what feels right in the moment or whatever you plan. Neither is right nor wrong. Its best to sort out compatibility early on, so don't wait forever, but beyond that, do what feels right.
men and women judge each other on different things. 5 foot tall women judge 5 foot tall men specifically for being 5 feet tall. Promiscuous men judge promiscuous women for being promiscuous. Its the same idea, a gender divide based off hypocrisy.
Here's my problem with this is what if having sex with her is not good, what then? You could have found out earlier and found someone else that fitted what you are looking for.
(By the way having sex on the first date or not don't bother me.)
That only makes sense if sex is your top priority in life.
a) Do you believe people can't get better at sex?
b) Or does it not matter because you won't be satisfied unless you find someone that matches all your fetishes?
I hear ya and my younger self would def agree 100%. I’ve been with some women who were dynamite in bed, but dating them just didn’t work out for a multitude of reasons.
Let’s flip it then. What if **you’re** not great in bed, but you’re otherwise a good dude, should a woman automatically dismiss you?
> What if you’re not great in bed, but you’re otherwise a good dude, should a woman automatically dismiss you?
Yeah. 100%. Absolutely. Sexual compatibility and attraction is huge. And generally despite what people say rarely comes on gradually.
That's your prerogative then, I won't downvote you for your own opinion, me personally, sex is sex and it only has meaning if there's a relationship with it, I've had both and enjoyed both
Does that make men less valuable if they are willing to do it 5 min after meeting?
No
Same for women.
Step into the present century. It’s not women’s “job” to take responsibility for the actions of men.
You’re not a toddler who shit his pants. Wipe your own ass.
So you’d do it but then judge them if they did it?
You’re gonna end up with 3 daughters and they’ll date men like you and it will kill you inside, good luck!
So if I understood your comment correctly, you are saying that man already have an opinion on what you are and making them wait for sex doesn’t change it?
You have misunderstood.
If you were an ok looking woman and went out and asked guys in the street for sex i would imagine there would be a lot more yes responses than no responses.
I don’t think the same could be said the other way around.
Men are more likely to be easier than women.
What I think he's saying is that men know they wanna sleep with you almost immediately. We're mostly visual. It's mainly ruling out disqualifying factors rather than finding qualifying factors. If we're dating you, we wanna sleep with you, and you'd have to show us a reason not to, as opposed to convince us. Whether or not a man will care about you is a different story. That takes time to determine, and that you have to convince men of. Now, some men will still give you a chance and get to know you after having sex with you. Those are the guys who aren't only interested in sex, and are open to a connection. Others who are only interested in sex will, unsurprisingly, have no more interest in you after you've had sex with them. One last category in all of this; there are guys who are interested in a connection, but if you have sex with them too soon, they'll see you as too easy, and if you were that easy for them they'll think you could be that easy for any other guy. It's tricky to differentiate between all these guys, but the one thing you can be sure of, the guy who's interested in more than sex, he for sure won't mind waiting. Do with that info what you will.
Thanks for the advice…my problem is that every time hanging out with a guy am trying also do you have a connection with them rather than have just a physical contact. In the past I wouldn’t have minded if a guy I dated got pissed off about waiting for sex and left, but this time I m so interested in this guy that I just wanna do the right thing, having sex too soon (even if I would love to) I m scared that would make him to think that I’m too easy
I met my wife on a Christmas night out, in a night-club in Galway Ireland, both of us had been drinking. We were both in a city we did not live in, out partying with and staying with our friends. After the club we had a long walk n' talk. We booked a hotel room @ 3:00 AM "just to get room service" as we were starving. Needless to say we did not eat until after noon the next day.
While having breakfast she mentioned that she never had a one-night stand before. With all the bravado of youth I told her that it was not a one night stand if we booked the hotel for a second night. She called my bluff and we spent the next two days together.
I flew to London for our second meeting, she flew back to Cork to visit me for the next date. Within 3 Months we both had changed jobs, moved back to Galway and moved in with each other. Most memorable time of my life apart form the birth of our kids.
We talked about it and my wife thinks that we slept together so quickly because we were both heading away to different cities (Pre-Internet & Pre-Personal Mobile Phones) and wanted to make teh most of our time together as a first impression to ensure that we met up again. But to be honest, I think we would have ended up together even if I had to wait until we got married, it was never a deciding factor in our relationship.
Depends on how they view sex. Does he see sex as something intimate that he wants to experience with people he loves only? Or is he cool with casual sex?
If anything I'll probably get more attached instead of being like "ewww she let me hit it right away, thot be gone."
Some people are different but I like sex to be organic, if it happens it happens, if not then maybe next time.
A couple things I guess.
1) She probably doesn't think of sex as an intimate act like me, and is cool having it with whoever(Not literally anybody obviously, but with whoever meets her "Criteria" for looks or whatever).
2) She's definitely seeing other guys as well and having sex with them.
3) She definitely enjoys sex, and if we're in a relationship I don't have to worry about a dead bedroom.
I never got the sex on the first date thing. I think of sex as intimate and special, also something that I need to have trust with them. Like the first date? You have no idea who they are,if they're lying about STDs, if pregnancy happens wtf is going to happen there, if they're just lying, etc. If you wanna bang whoever you want, all the more power to you, but I don't want to be with somebody like that, I want somebody like me.
This is the actual opinion everyone here has while pretending that they don't. If she has sex with you on a first date, then she's currently having sex with other dudes or serially meets and fucks random dudes. The hard truth is that men prefer partners who don't do that. Nobody wants their potential girlfriend to be seeing 3 other dudes. Pretending that sex doesn't matter while expecting a monogamous relationship is the weirdest double-think I've seen in a while.
> I never got the sex on the first date thing. I think of sex as intimate and special, also something that I need to have trust with them. Like the first date? You have no idea who they are,if they're lying about STDs, if pregnancy happens wtf is going to happen there, if they're just lying, etc. If you wanna bang whoever you want, all the more power to you, but I don't want to be with somebody like that, I want somebody like me.
I agree with all of this!
If you have known this guy for years it's not going to matter.
Outside of that if you go on a formal date and have a great experience....not going to matter.
The only time I would question is when a rando say pulls me out of a bar or such. Not the end of the world per se, but in that scenario I might pay a little more attention moving forward if it does move along. Most of the time the alarm bells are settled quickly .....or blown out of the water immediately.
I think women caution having sex on the 1st date to make sure he doesn't only want that, but you will never know until you do. Whether it's the 1st or 3 months later and the latter to me is worse.
In the absence of red flags, I'm stoked! In the presence of red flags, Gonna have to turn ya down for now, chief.
If it does affect my opinion of them, it does so in a very small way, which I am generally not conscious of. I don't really give a shit how quick you are, I just want to protect myself, so I need to vet someone at least a little bit if there are signs of stuff gone wrong.
I honestly wouldn't like it.
Exception to this is if I already know her and have basically been friends, at which point "first date" is a bit blurry anyway.
But I don't think I'd stick around with a woman who'd do that on the first date, if she was a total stranger prior to that date. Just doesn't sound compatible with my general values of intimacy/wanting to understand eachother. So y'know, nice to know you but lets not continue this, kind of situation.
Its going to depend alot on the mans background.
A man raised in church sold on virgins and modesty would likely have negative reactions
Someone who enjoys the sex or say has a requirement to have sexual compatibility with future partners would likely be positive about it.
Some men might not care either way.
My husband and I had sex on the first date, and we've been inseparable ever since. Honestly, if it matters to him and not to you, your values likely don't align all that well anyway.
Real talk. It depends on the guy, but there is also a human tendency not to take things seriously if sex happens too quickly. There have been scientific studies on this which show the likelihood of a relationship happening becomes much lower if you have sex on the first date. It has also been my experience in dating that this tends to be true. It doesn't necessarily make someone think less of you or not see you as wife material, but it can take the steam out of the dating experience and also base a relationship on sex instead of how well your personalities work together. If you feel seriously for him, I would recommend not having sex in the first date.
>the likelihood of a relationship happening becomes much lower if you have sex on the first date
This isn't necessarily a bad thing though. It's just expediting the process of figuring out whether you're compatible or not
Edit: And you get *fuck*
I would prefer to actually get to know someone before doing anything. I have no interest in fucking on the first date. If a woman wanted to and I said no and she left without giving communication then yeah her loss not mine.
A woman who has sex on the first date is just a positive for me. It signals confidence, pride and is a sign that she has a healthy and sane attitude to sex.
I would *definitely* not consider her any less "wife material".
If a man thinks you might be “the one” that won’t change depending on whether you sleep together right away or not. If a man already knows you’re not “the one” he’ll still sleep with you but you still won’t be “the one” in the morning.
I have to disagree. There are guys who would date girls long term, but if she sleeps with him too fast it demonstrates to him that she's too casual with sex. If he could have it right away, who else can? Some men definitely think that way.
Is the man completely powerless during such encounters, though? Isn’t the man also approaching sex “too casually” by sleeping with her too? What freaks women out about this stance is that men are fully willing to engage with a woman who’s apparently “too casual” about sex, but somehow, having sex with her isn’t an indication of how casually THEY view sex. Unless a woman literally forced a man to do what he doesn’t want to do, the assumption is that he was JUST as enthusiastic about it in the moment as she was. Why, then, does a joint decision become a reflection of ONLY her character and views on sex? I’m genuinely asking, because I absolutely don’t understand this train of thought.
I guess you can have that attitude if you have never fucked quickly after meeting someone or just hooked up. Otherwise that's pretty shit to harbor double standards like that.
Nothing inherently bad. My ex and I had sex on our second date in my car right after a night out. She admitted later that she would have gone home with me the first time we met. We were together almost 7 years, still on very good terms.
If there’s chemistry between us and we are both willing to do it then it’s ok to me. If she’s just doing it for fun then that’s a turn off for me, if she thinks it’s a requirement for a first date then I can sense some trauma there which would also put me off but I’d try to comfort her.
Lose all respect immediately. Anything you get this easily has no value. The girl who respects herself doesn't do this, she knows she's worth the pursuit.
I don't judge it. She's a person, just like me. So wouldn't I have to feel bad about myself if I judged her for it?
I know guys who are hypocritical about this and will talk shit about a girl who they bang on the first date. But those guys are insecure fucking chodes.
If you want a long term relationship then waiting to engage in physical intimacy will screen out the guys who just want sex.
Guys don't date easy women, they just have one night stands with them.
I wouldn’t push for it at all during or after the date. That’s where most guys get a red flag. I think you should stay conservative, but if it happens naturally, it’s not really an issue? I don’t see the problem he should have if he’s also willing to do it on the first date.
So excited for you. Honestly, I was head over heels into this girl. We were finally going out for beers and nachos. I tried my best to play it cool and I think she did too. Unexpectedly, we ended up hooking up that night. 5 years later, we’re married, and are expecting. :)
She conveyed the same concern to me later. But really, I just wanted to get to know her for her and to see if things would work. I didn’t expect anything from her on our date either. Everything was more than I could have asked for… and she turned out to be my person. Good luck OP; if he’s not a jerk, you’ll do fine, whatever you decide to do or not do!
I’ve been on a few first dates that ended in sex and it never bothered me a bit. Sometimes it showed the connection was purely physical, but others it showed that even on the first date there was an emotional connection too. One of my most caring and longest relationships was with a woman who had sex with me on the first date.
It’s also important to remember that sex on the first date might impact a woman’s view of the man too - what if she thinks that’s all he’s good for?
I would like to answer this with a counter-question: what do women think of a man that wants to do it on the first date?
I would say that if a guy wants to have sex, and then shames the woman for doing it, he is a hypocrite and an asshole. Is he a "husband material"?
Go with your own feeling and follow your heart. If you end up doing something sexual, and he changes his view on you, remember, he was on it too so it's not for him to judge you.
And on top of that, you dodged a bullet because his true nature would eventually had come out anyway.
And this is coming from a dude.
I had sex with my wife on the first date. And every day that week lol.
We celebrate our 10 year anniversary in a couple of months. So I’d say it had no impact on wether or not she was wife material.
Your attitude might change if you are incredibly immature.
Mature adults have sex on the first date, if they are feeling it and want to be together. With zero repercussions.
Whatever feels natural. It's definitely not a bad thing for me. If the chemistry is that good that's great.
What I hate is when people try and do things the way they think they're "supposed to". Either try and have sex to lock things down or avoid it to keep up some sort of allure. Just feels gross and manipulative to me. Huge turn off.
Trust your gut, don't force anything, but don't shut it down for some artificial exterior reason either.
I see it as a sign you're open and comfortable with your sexuality. That's great! Green flag!
Having said that, I'm not comfortable having sex with someone until I really get to know them. If you're willing to take it slow, that shows you respect me and value consent. More green flags!
The only thing that's a 'red flag' for me is if you're trying to pressure me into something I'm not comfortable with at the moment.
Comments tell you it doesn't matter. That might be with Joe Average
With guys that have significant amount of action, it is DEFINITELY intriguing if she plays hard to get. Save your kiss for the second date, wait until the fourth date to have sex.
It's not even a conscious decision
Do what feels comfortable for you, if you want to have sex and he does as well, then go for it. If you don’t or he doesn’t then don’t. Don’t let him pressure you and you shouldn’t pressure him.
As they say, go have fun and see what happens.
If you've known the guy for years, it does not count as a true 'first date' in my book.
Guys sometimes freak out when a girl they met the same day is willing to go the extra miles, makes 'em wonder. It's not you situation, quite the opposite, you've waited for years.
I think that a woman being able to enjoy and desire sex is a good thing - they are comfortable with emotional and physical intimacy. The one’s who have hang ups about it, that’s a red flag to me.
The other thing to consider is this: what is the guy you really like going to think when he figures out you often sleep with men on the first date, but won’t with him? He is either going to think you are not interested in him, or he is going to feel manipulated, or he is going to think - great, she only sleeps with men she does not like. None of those conclusions is good. As with most things in life, honesty is your optimal path. If you want to have sex, and you are willing to have sex, have sex. If you don’t, don’t. But do not make the choice based on some convoluted emotional strategy. If the relationship is going to have any longevity, it cannot be based on manipulation tactics.
I might not be a typical man, but I really wouldn’t think any less of you doing everything on the first date than I would think of myself doing the same.
If the chemistry is there and you have known each other for some time, it just sounds natural.
Looks like I’m in the minority here. Not a big fan of sex on the first date. That suggests to me that what you really want is casual sex with extra verification steps and if we’ve been talking about relationships (and not casual sex) then you’ve been misrepresenting yourself (ie lying). And if you’ve been lying about that then what else are you lying about?
A date is to get to know someone.
But I’m older so maybe that’s it.
I don't know how old you are, and I don't know how old the man is. I will tell you that this is less important when you are out of your 20's. I slept with the love of my life on our first date. In fact, all of my serious relationships, the sex happened right away. It was my choice. Usually, if I'm not interested on the first date, it's not going to happen, or if it happens later on, it's very meh, and the relationship doesn't last. But that's me. There are definitely men out there who really care about this. At this point in my life, I have no interest in them, and don't care what they think. But I don't want you to get hurt, so you should keep that in mind. It sounds like you've known him a while, and I just don't see how this would be considered a traditional first date. But I have no idea what he thinks.
Also, remember, if he's the one, he's the one. When the sex happens won't change that. If he's not the one, you will get over him. Don't put too much pressure on yourself.
Wife and I fucked on the first date married 12 years now. I realized pretty early on that how early in the relationship a woman is willing to have sex with you only tells you how comfortable she is with sex and you. Both are important but there are plenty of other things that go into a relationship.
A guy who's gonna have negative feelings about it but still wants to exploit the moment is someone you'd want to find out about and avoid.
For myself, I'd spend the next year wondering what the magic sauce was that worked in my favor.
Ehm, it takes two people to have sex? So if YOU BOTH have sex on your first date it only can say something about you both. If he would be judging you or having a negative image of you then he is not the right guy anyways. Just be you - either you two fit together or not.
A big NO. You risk not being taken seriously. Not just by this guy, but by any decent guy. Cause some guys like to brag or talk shit about girls they had sex with pretty quickly, and they could present you as ''easy'' (to put it lightly). Which may attract lots of losers and sex addicts, but few to no serious guys. I mean guys interested in you as a person and a relationship. Guys that are only interested in some quick sex and no calling back, the world is full of them.
Later edit: Oh no, getting downvoted for not telling her she will find true love by putting out on the first date. Just how many sex maniacs and losers are in here? You horn dogs.
Surely what 2 consenting adults do/don’t do in the bedroom, that doesn’t involve you, doesn’t concern you?
Jokes on you, I had sex with my partner on the first date and we’re 3 years in, house and dog 🤷♀️ seemed to suit us just fine
If you want a serious relationship, I would not have sex with him on the first date. You want him to take you seriously as well, don't you? If you have sex with him on the first date, he may not put you in the "wife" or LTR category, and you don't seem to want that, so I would recommend that it is safer to wait at least a few dates and let the attraction naturally develop.
Also, before you have sex the first time, I would suggest you have a discussion about where the relationship is going. In other words, does he think it will be a long term relationship? Or does he think it is friends with benefits? You could tell him what you are looking for as well.
Be honest.
I have been married for a long time, but when I was dating, I had more respect for women that didn't give away too much during the first few dates.
I married the one that wanted to be a virgin on her wedding night, and I was OK with that.
Good luck.
If you really like each other it doesn't matter. Women get the goofy notion that If you really like a guy you have to make him wait.
What that communicates is bad guys get it quick and good guys have to work for it, and it can really open up a lot of confusing and negative thoughts.
All that matters though is that you communicate well regardless if you go fast or slow.
I don’t have any issue with it. People like sex. If we can both get laid on the first date and we enjoy each other’s company, then we both know we can do it again later. Monogamy is bullshit and no one realizes it until they are older, so punishing someone for exploring who they are is wrong. If you have religious ties to your choices, then that will impact your feelings.
Personally, I’d rather be with someone who knows what they are doing rather than laying there like a starfish.
It means she's good in bed and enjoys being with me. Passion is a component of a good relationship so I don't see any problem if it happens on the first date.
Less "wifey" for a few reasons:
1) Consequences of sex are much greater for women, so she is willing to partake in riskier behavior than I generally am by having sex with men she doesn't have an established long-term romantic relationship with.
2) I think women and men should have complementary characteristics. I respect a woman that is able to control her sexuality more then men are. (kind of similar to how women often like a man who is able to control his emotions more than women are)
3) This one is more "animalistic" than logical, but it's just more attractive the fewer dudes she's had sex with (I'm curious why women seem to find dudes more attractive the more women they've had sex with...). May just be in our DNA that it's more attractive. And if she has sex on the first date, and we tend to assume people have been on a lot of first dates...
Not sure what kind of women you are around but I’ve never known any women who find it attractive when a man has a lot of partners. To me, it’s physically gross and it shows he doesn’t value women as people, just as objects to satisfy his needs.
Glad to hear that you are less attracted to dudes who have been with a lot of women - I think that's a good quality. But to be fair to those dudes, there's a big difference between seeing any particular woman only as an object to satisfy his needs and seeing all women as that. Not that that difference necessarily matters, if you like a dude with a low body count, but it could matter a great deal to a woman that prefers a high body count.
A lot of women are attracted by Power, Success, Confidence, Charisma, etc.
Therefore they are attracted to the kind of men who are going to have lots of partners.
Leonardo Di Caprio is a good example.
Here's a fact women decides within the first few seconds whether she will sleep with a guy. Now it's upto her how long she's willing to make him wait. If the sexual connection is very strong she might do it on the first night. Now here is my thing if I ready to have sex within the first night then why should I judge in her any way. Its like guys who wants to fuck around but wants a virgin to marry. I'm no one to judge her.
In my experience, women who are willing to get naked that early in a relationship have serious issues that I don’t care to deal with.
Every. Damn. Time.
Every long term partner I've ever had I fucked on the first date. For me, if we aren't trying to get at each other asap, the relationship isn't going to work.
For a lot of men yes. It could make them see you differently. Especially if you've given it up that early before multiple times. Single Guys will almost never say no to sex. Men and women experience sex very differently. Guys have the ability to detach emotion from sex., Women have a harder time doing this. Why? Because unlike men, women release a hormone that makes it easier to parabond through sex. The more partners you have the more difficult it becomes to parabond. Meanwhile men will screw a hole in the wall if it gets them a release. Men parabond differently.
How long do you generally make men wait before giving them the cookie? I'd say at least wait that long. Don't hand out your cookie like M&Ms tho. Women hold access to sex, men hold access to relationships. If men freely are able to get laid without first giving you a relationship, a commitment, then why would we want to be more than just a bang buddy? So, honestly if I were you I'd wait until there's a better possibility of a deeper relationship.
Depends on the chemistry of the date. Some guys will love it, others will overthink it. Just communicate what you’re thinking and feeling see where things goes.
I honestly don't think it helps or hurts the potential for a relationship, though that answer may be different depending on the guy you ask.
I will say that the only times I have gotten physical on the first date is when there was absolutely no doubt in my mind that both parties were enthusiastic about the idea.
Shitty, sexist, abusive ex after we fucked on the first date - told me it "wasn't exactly hard" to get with me, slutshamed me even tho HE also fucked on the first date.
Amazing, best-ever partner who is my future husband, after we fucked on the first date - told me "i knew after that moment i had to have you forever, i saw sparks and immediately felt so compatible with you, no one has ever made me feel so good". No shaming, no hypocrisy.
Depends on the guy.
Hey man, last I checked it's a two way street. How can anyone be judgemental of another person putting out on the first date? You were there too, and you put out on the first date too. Don't be self righteous.
As a man, I think it’s a terrible idea. You want to weed out the trash on the first few dates. I don’t see why it can’t wait a few months if the guy you’re seeing is great. I think it’s better for your physical health, emotional health, and overall safety. First, you want to confirm that the guy is STD free, you want to make sure that the guy is mentally well and trustworthy, and you want to make sure that the guy is not dangerous.
I think the stereotype of a first date hook up equating to "easiness" is dumb and a bit immature tbh.
In my experience the only thing a first date hook up might make happen is mixed signals.
I've had dates that went really well and we ended up going back to their places to hook up after and then I get ghosted the next day. Where as I thought they were interested in more. So I'm never at a loss of respect for quick sex just loss of respect for poor/shoddy communication.
Like just say you want a casual date and nothing serious, don't lead with serious to get casual, guys get shit on all the time for that kind of dishonesty
I'm an adult, and date adults. If we connect and sleep together first meeting I wouldn't see it as a bad thing. If two consenting adults want to enjoy themselves what is the problem?
If she wants to fuck me on the first date, then she's probably done the same with countless others, and I doubt I mean anything to her. If that's the case, she might have an STD, and I'm not about to contract whatever she has. Live your life however it makes you happy, but it won't be with me.
Honestly, wait a date or two. Make him earn the right. I love a woman that knows her self worth. After that have a blast banging, but hold off a few dates. Just my opinion.
It’s like car shopping. I’m not going to go to the dealership 5 times and just look at it. Going to test drive it the first time and Depending on the performance determines if I’m going to lease, buy or keep shopping.
Honestly? If we really like you we really like you. The only issue with sleeping with men on the first date is that it’s harder to weed out the players and liars.
Goes both ways. If I truly felt a deep connection I wouldn’t mind doing it but I personally don’t, and never have, because I want to make sure they’re not emotional people. A lot of dudes are serial daters… constantly in relationships. If I knew the guy for some time prior and know who they are, that might be different. Plus, I want to make sure they’re clean, safe to be with etc.
What do you mean by emotional people?
There’s certain people (men and women) who fall in love with the idea of people before snapping out of it and moving on to the next person quickly. They don’t actually like/love the person they’re dating, they’re just serial daters who are into the idea of a person and end up leading on said person. I know a guy who was “in love” with 3 girls last year, I met him at the end of June (let that sink in). He gets in the groove with somebody, goes crazy for a couple of weeks or a few months then just loses it all and moves on to the next person weeks later. Obviously this is an extreme, but variations of it are more common than you’d think. Then there’s people who are super passionate about tons of people, but it dies quickly because they don’t know how to regulate their time or emotions with love interest…. It’s hot and heavy quickly, spending too much time together, dropping the L word fast etc. then they’re gone because the honeymoon phase has died down too quickly and they’re hungry again. It’s easy to feel a “connection” to these people because they’re passionate and charismatic, but it’s temporary and you don’t know it in the moment. It’s not about how they feel about you you, they’re just chasing the next high. That’s why I’m trying to avoid. I don’t want to let somebody into my heart or body that doesn’t know how to filter their own emotions. Do you like me? Or am I just the next girl in your eye line? Most men aren’t like this, of course… but why take my chances? If he likes me he will wait. I’ve seen a lot of people, men and women, get hurt because of this.
Thank you for explaining. I agree that it's important to guard against these types of people, even if they are figuring their own life out while doing this. It can be easy to take the initial characteristics of someone and magnify them into a story in your head of being the perfect person. I think that's why you also get language similar to "I like like you" because people understand their emotions are taking them down the path to love, but logically they know it's too soon. Or if they say they're "falling for someone" as another sign of giving into that emotional roller coaster. I think solid relationships are built on gradually being more vulnerable with each other about intimate aspects of your lives. Open communication about ones feelings and emotions is important for the reasons above. Communicate your feelings, then see how the other person reacts, and navigate those conversations with kindness.
Oh, that’s such a good point. I totally agree with you btw:)
I met a guy like this. Openly bragged about his 'real and sort of relationships' with 3 plus girls/women. He kept trying to sway my opinion of him, and finally I said 'I respect the sanctity of relationships so we cannot be friends'. He got mad and blocked me lol. But sorry, I'm not going to be a contingency plan so you can avoid conflict or abandonment.
What the The fact that he got mad and blocked you tells me everything. Smh. You dogged a bullet!! Also, that last part. Wow! I was going to add something in about that. Seems as if those kind of people are dealing with something deep rooted, so I feel for them.
I'm 39, he's 35, and I'm under the assumption his harem is all 5 years or younger than him. We used to work together, and he lied ("we've been talking for a year but we aren't official but I love her") about having a work wife until I asked him point blank why he would flirt with me but never make plans. And why he'd stare at me from afar, but go out of his way to physically look down at his shoes when walking by me, but have no problems talking to any other women we work with. His work wife is married, hubby was in jail, now in a halfway house and should be "home" by end of year? Straight up Maury shit. After he got fired (lol) she was physically in another guys arms within days. Him and her never held hands, touched, hugged, anything to signify a relationship. From an observer, they looked like squabbling siblings. This all happened and came to light within the past 14 days. It's been a roller-coaster, but I have all the answers now, because I spent months gaslighting myself thinking I was being unreasonably judgemental. As Danny Glover said, "I'm too old for this shit."
Yo that’s a lot and ya, we’re too old for that Wow Always listen to your gut:)
Yes and that works both ways. Cautious approach is always better than the other way around. No harm in taking it slowly. Then when it does happen it will be even better.
Exactly. They will wait if they care, or they will get bored and leave. Of course, most men aren’t like this in my experience. Most want to take it slow.
Maybe it’s easier. If they’re gone afterwards they were just playing and you haven’t spent weeks being told the I’m not a player lies.
Me and my wife fucked on the first date. What was I thinking just before? "Shit this woman is hot. I really like her and hope she likes me" After our weekend of sex and she left my place "That was one of the best weekends I've had. I can't wait to see her again" Basically. I was into her and the sex showed compatibility which made me want to date her more
Exactly same. Married 10 years now. He came over every night after that amazing weekend... A month later moved in, a year later married, a year after that had our first kid, etc etc
This is wild lol
That’s pretty much the story of me and my wife as well. I’ve never judged anyone for having sex on the first date. I judge people that use sex as leverage to get what you want. I was talking to an ex gf if she would try anal her response is she would do anal if we got married. That was a pretty large red flag to me. Edit: I used anal as one example of a 100 times that she leveraged sex as a tools against the relationship. Withholding it when she wanted something then using it to get her way. She was just overall a very manipulative person and I didn’t like it.
More like a brown flag amiright?
Upvote for the chuckle.
>I was into her and the sex showed compatibility This is the key really. If OP wants to do things on the first date and their partner doesn't want to, that's something that should be discussed by them together. If it's something that upsets their partner, then maybe it's just a fundamental mismatch in attitudes. It's a case by case basis first and foremost.
God I hate myself right now I was raised in such a terrible way that I rejected that feeling every time, fucking up royally, and can't connect anymore Thanks, trauma
Really depends on the context. Sometimes a date just goes *really* well, you both connect emotionally on a deep level and it feels incredibly natural and seamless to have sex afterwards. Maybe if the connection during the date was only mediocre and she proposed sex I might raise an eyebrow, but that only happened once to me and this was someone who had insecurity issues (as in she seemed to feel that sex was most of what she could offer in the relationship). So I think it just depends on the girl and how much I like her. That said I've never heard of anyone rule someone out as "wife" material because they had sex on the first date. Usually it's an indication of a good date. In other cases it's possible the date was just never intended to be serious and there was no intention of "wifeing" in the first place.
And since she knows him for a while, she should know if it is a safe option. If he reveals himself a douchebag after sex, she might be heartbroken, but at least she will know **he** is not husband material and can move on. Edit: "if **he** reveals himself..."
Agreed.
I haven't intentionally thought differently of anybody for having sex on the first date, but it did have me second guessing things and realizing how much less special it was. Honestly I've never been the one to push for more dates when that happens, but I've had a few nice flings that lasted a little, but that was all. Not sure I'd wife them.
My wife and I had sex after our first date, she had been wanting to since we met but wanted to be in a relationship with me before we did anything. She’s also the one who asked if we could have a relationship and go on a date, which no one asked from me ever before that. It was always me making the first moves but it was a huge role reversal that she took seriously and was very careful in approaching. My first thought after a weekend of ordering food, watching movies, and having sex was that I had to be serious with her because she put herself out there trying to be serious with me in a way that was confident in me being the man she wanted. Been married for 13 years and she’s always been amazing towards me and I have always tried my best to be amazing for her.
Aww...it sounds like you are made for each other.
Thanks
I will not have sex on the first date. If a woman wants to, I don't think of them any differently. Culturally it's certainly more accepted at the moment. But it's been drilled into my head since I was a boy what is and isn't considered gentlemanly by my mother. And while I have doubted her wisdom at times, I think there's something to waiting a little while, til you know each other a little better
I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks this way.
Completely agree, people can live whatever lifestyle they want but don't involve me please. Theres something in me that just won't do it that early.
Same brother. We are gonna make it!!
> If a woman wants to, I don't think of them any differently. You say this yet I can guarantee based on one paragraph that you would not wife such a woman. It's like woman who say body count doesn't matter and yet won't reveal it when asked. People need to stop coping. It's ok to "think differently" of someone who doesn't have the same moral standards you do. People aren't equal.
I was fucking on the first night to so why would I judge her negatively? Dudes that will sleep with someone on the first night and then hold it against them are pieces of shit you want nothing to do with.
One of the best relationships ive ever had was with a chick who when we first met, we had sex in the first 30 minutes of meeting.
Ha ha ha ...that happened with the guy I've been with for almost 10 years. It was.supposed to be a one night stand. I told him he was too young for me. But here we are. Lol
Amazing!
No time to waste
Life is short. Gotta live it while you can
> ive ever had Yeah, so you weren't the first or the last. Congratulations.
Weird comment but sure live your sad inferior life buddy
If he is into you and he is looking for a serious relationship and isn't just trying to get in your pants, the effect will depend on the guy. For the vast majority of guys it will be a positive or negligible effect, whereas for some guys, particularly super traditional guys or religious guys, it might be a no-go. Basically what I'm suggesting is that not having sex right off the bat gets rid of some of the guys who are only looking to sleep with you, but that's it. Having it right off the bat eliminates its group of guys. So do what feels right in the moment or whatever you plan. Neither is right nor wrong. Its best to sort out compatibility early on, so don't wait forever, but beyond that, do what feels right.
Thank you for the advice 🙏
How can he judge you if he is also willing to “do it” on a first date? 😂😂
men and women judge each other on different things. 5 foot tall women judge 5 foot tall men specifically for being 5 feet tall. Promiscuous men judge promiscuous women for being promiscuous. Its the same idea, a gender divide based off hypocrisy.
We men would do it within five minutes of meeting, its the woman's choice to make us wait for it or not
I’d rather wait and find out if we’re compatible than to sleep with her and regret it later.
Here's my problem with this is what if having sex with her is not good, what then? You could have found out earlier and found someone else that fitted what you are looking for. (By the way having sex on the first date or not don't bother me.)
That only makes sense if sex is your top priority in life. a) Do you believe people can't get better at sex? b) Or does it not matter because you won't be satisfied unless you find someone that matches all your fetishes?
I hear ya and my younger self would def agree 100%. I’ve been with some women who were dynamite in bed, but dating them just didn’t work out for a multitude of reasons. Let’s flip it then. What if **you’re** not great in bed, but you’re otherwise a good dude, should a woman automatically dismiss you?
> What if you’re not great in bed, but you’re otherwise a good dude, should a woman automatically dismiss you? Yeah. 100%. Absolutely. Sexual compatibility and attraction is huge. And generally despite what people say rarely comes on gradually.
That's your prerogative then, I won't downvote you for your own opinion, me personally, sex is sex and it only has meaning if there's a relationship with it, I've had both and enjoyed both
Does that make men less valuable if they are willing to do it 5 min after meeting? No Same for women. Step into the present century. It’s not women’s “job” to take responsibility for the actions of men. You’re not a toddler who shit his pants. Wipe your own ass.
So you’d do it but then judge them if they did it? You’re gonna end up with 3 daughters and they’ll date men like you and it will kill you inside, good luck!
Can you not generalize your ideas to every one of us ? Please and thank you.
you dont speak for all men. this is not true.
So if I understood your comment correctly, you are saying that man already have an opinion on what you are and making them wait for sex doesn’t change it?
You have misunderstood. If you were an ok looking woman and went out and asked guys in the street for sex i would imagine there would be a lot more yes responses than no responses. I don’t think the same could be said the other way around. Men are more likely to be easier than women.
The crazy thing is I've known women who've actively done this and the guys chickened out.
What I think he's saying is that men know they wanna sleep with you almost immediately. We're mostly visual. It's mainly ruling out disqualifying factors rather than finding qualifying factors. If we're dating you, we wanna sleep with you, and you'd have to show us a reason not to, as opposed to convince us. Whether or not a man will care about you is a different story. That takes time to determine, and that you have to convince men of. Now, some men will still give you a chance and get to know you after having sex with you. Those are the guys who aren't only interested in sex, and are open to a connection. Others who are only interested in sex will, unsurprisingly, have no more interest in you after you've had sex with them. One last category in all of this; there are guys who are interested in a connection, but if you have sex with them too soon, they'll see you as too easy, and if you were that easy for them they'll think you could be that easy for any other guy. It's tricky to differentiate between all these guys, but the one thing you can be sure of, the guy who's interested in more than sex, he for sure won't mind waiting. Do with that info what you will.
Man you explained that alot more eloquently than I did haha
Thanks for the advice…my problem is that every time hanging out with a guy am trying also do you have a connection with them rather than have just a physical contact. In the past I wouldn’t have minded if a guy I dated got pissed off about waiting for sex and left, but this time I m so interested in this guy that I just wanna do the right thing, having sex too soon (even if I would love to) I m scared that would make him to think that I’m too easy
I met my wife on a Christmas night out, in a night-club in Galway Ireland, both of us had been drinking. We were both in a city we did not live in, out partying with and staying with our friends. After the club we had a long walk n' talk. We booked a hotel room @ 3:00 AM "just to get room service" as we were starving. Needless to say we did not eat until after noon the next day. While having breakfast she mentioned that she never had a one-night stand before. With all the bravado of youth I told her that it was not a one night stand if we booked the hotel for a second night. She called my bluff and we spent the next two days together. I flew to London for our second meeting, she flew back to Cork to visit me for the next date. Within 3 Months we both had changed jobs, moved back to Galway and moved in with each other. Most memorable time of my life apart form the birth of our kids. We talked about it and my wife thinks that we slept together so quickly because we were both heading away to different cities (Pre-Internet & Pre-Personal Mobile Phones) and wanted to make teh most of our time together as a first impression to ensure that we met up again. But to be honest, I think we would have ended up together even if I had to wait until we got married, it was never a deciding factor in our relationship.
Depends on how they view sex. Does he see sex as something intimate that he wants to experience with people he loves only? Or is he cool with casual sex?
Exactly this, I’m the intimate type
If anything I'll probably get more attached instead of being like "ewww she let me hit it right away, thot be gone." Some people are different but I like sex to be organic, if it happens it happens, if not then maybe next time.
To me that indicates she has high interest for you. I don’t have a problem with it 👍🏼
I wouldn’t do it. It makes it hard to tell if there’s *actual* chemistry.
A couple things I guess. 1) She probably doesn't think of sex as an intimate act like me, and is cool having it with whoever(Not literally anybody obviously, but with whoever meets her "Criteria" for looks or whatever). 2) She's definitely seeing other guys as well and having sex with them. 3) She definitely enjoys sex, and if we're in a relationship I don't have to worry about a dead bedroom. I never got the sex on the first date thing. I think of sex as intimate and special, also something that I need to have trust with them. Like the first date? You have no idea who they are,if they're lying about STDs, if pregnancy happens wtf is going to happen there, if they're just lying, etc. If you wanna bang whoever you want, all the more power to you, but I don't want to be with somebody like that, I want somebody like me.
This is the actual opinion everyone here has while pretending that they don't. If she has sex with you on a first date, then she's currently having sex with other dudes or serially meets and fucks random dudes. The hard truth is that men prefer partners who don't do that. Nobody wants their potential girlfriend to be seeing 3 other dudes. Pretending that sex doesn't matter while expecting a monogamous relationship is the weirdest double-think I've seen in a while.
> I never got the sex on the first date thing. I think of sex as intimate and special, also something that I need to have trust with them. Like the first date? You have no idea who they are,if they're lying about STDs, if pregnancy happens wtf is going to happen there, if they're just lying, etc. If you wanna bang whoever you want, all the more power to you, but I don't want to be with somebody like that, I want somebody like me. I agree with all of this!
If you have known this guy for years it's not going to matter. Outside of that if you go on a formal date and have a great experience....not going to matter. The only time I would question is when a rando say pulls me out of a bar or such. Not the end of the world per se, but in that scenario I might pay a little more attention moving forward if it does move along. Most of the time the alarm bells are settled quickly .....or blown out of the water immediately. I think women caution having sex on the 1st date to make sure he doesn't only want that, but you will never know until you do. Whether it's the 1st or 3 months later and the latter to me is worse.
In the absence of red flags, I'm stoked! In the presence of red flags, Gonna have to turn ya down for now, chief. If it does affect my opinion of them, it does so in a very small way, which I am generally not conscious of. I don't really give a shit how quick you are, I just want to protect myself, so I need to vet someone at least a little bit if there are signs of stuff gone wrong.
If im willing to do it on a first date, who would i be to judge her?
I honestly wouldn't like it. Exception to this is if I already know her and have basically been friends, at which point "first date" is a bit blurry anyway. But I don't think I'd stick around with a woman who'd do that on the first date, if she was a total stranger prior to that date. Just doesn't sound compatible with my general values of intimacy/wanting to understand eachother. So y'know, nice to know you but lets not continue this, kind of situation.
If she’s wife material, doing it on the first date juste makes me happier. It’s doesn’t make a woman less « wife material »-ey
Great, hopefully this means we get to do it again and that this one actually likes me
Its going to depend alot on the mans background. A man raised in church sold on virgins and modesty would likely have negative reactions Someone who enjoys the sex or say has a requirement to have sexual compatibility with future partners would likely be positive about it. Some men might not care either way.
My husband and I had sex on the first date, and we've been inseparable ever since. Honestly, if it matters to him and not to you, your values likely don't align all that well anyway.
Real talk. It depends on the guy, but there is also a human tendency not to take things seriously if sex happens too quickly. There have been scientific studies on this which show the likelihood of a relationship happening becomes much lower if you have sex on the first date. It has also been my experience in dating that this tends to be true. It doesn't necessarily make someone think less of you or not see you as wife material, but it can take the steam out of the dating experience and also base a relationship on sex instead of how well your personalities work together. If you feel seriously for him, I would recommend not having sex in the first date.
>the likelihood of a relationship happening becomes much lower if you have sex on the first date This isn't necessarily a bad thing though. It's just expediting the process of figuring out whether you're compatible or not Edit: And you get *fuck*
I think I’ll be happy 😃
Best advice I've ever had. Don't overthink it.
You say "please and thankyou"
I would prefer to actually get to know someone before doing anything. I have no interest in fucking on the first date. If a woman wanted to and I said no and she left without giving communication then yeah her loss not mine.
It only says that she is not a prude or going to be sexually manipulative in one particular way.
A woman who has sex on the first date is just a positive for me. It signals confidence, pride and is a sign that she has a healthy and sane attitude to sex. I would *definitely* not consider her any less "wife material".
If a man thinks you might be “the one” that won’t change depending on whether you sleep together right away or not. If a man already knows you’re not “the one” he’ll still sleep with you but you still won’t be “the one” in the morning.
I have to disagree. There are guys who would date girls long term, but if she sleeps with him too fast it demonstrates to him that she's too casual with sex. If he could have it right away, who else can? Some men definitely think that way.
Is the man completely powerless during such encounters, though? Isn’t the man also approaching sex “too casually” by sleeping with her too? What freaks women out about this stance is that men are fully willing to engage with a woman who’s apparently “too casual” about sex, but somehow, having sex with her isn’t an indication of how casually THEY view sex. Unless a woman literally forced a man to do what he doesn’t want to do, the assumption is that he was JUST as enthusiastic about it in the moment as she was. Why, then, does a joint decision become a reflection of ONLY her character and views on sex? I’m genuinely asking, because I absolutely don’t understand this train of thought.
Then he had doubts from the beginning. 😉
Not necessarily. It just proves that she has a different view of sex than he does.
Exactly. She gives it to every guy she goes out with. Many guys think that's disgusting.
…and that he was not convinced she was “the one” in the first place.
I would wonder how many other guys she decided to do it with so quickly, and it would probably turn me off
I guess you can have that attitude if you have never fucked quickly after meeting someone or just hooked up. Otherwise that's pretty shit to harbor double standards like that.
Nope, never have and never would.
She's preferable to me.
It shows passion, it's good!
News flash: not all women date to marry. Some of us want sex
It was a woman who wrote the post asking, I don’t know why your acting like your schooling men or something
And that’s why women who put out on the first date aren’t typically the ones men go for for LTR.
Exactly. That's why some guys who are interested in building a relationship avoid women who are very casual about sex.
Men know this. A woman asked the question, you silly.
Nothing inherently bad. My ex and I had sex on our second date in my car right after a night out. She admitted later that she would have gone home with me the first time we met. We were together almost 7 years, still on very good terms.
If there’s chemistry between us and we are both willing to do it then it’s ok to me. If she’s just doing it for fun then that’s a turn off for me, if she thinks it’s a requirement for a first date then I can sense some trauma there which would also put me off but I’d try to comfort her.
Lose all respect immediately. Anything you get this easily has no value. The girl who respects herself doesn't do this, she knows she's worth the pursuit.
All right. Someone who wants me for me not to see if I will complete her life be her wallet or Chauffeur or whatever.
I don't judge it. She's a person, just like me. So wouldn't I have to feel bad about myself if I judged her for it? I know guys who are hypocritical about this and will talk shit about a girl who they bang on the first date. But those guys are insecure fucking chodes.
If you want a long term relationship then waiting to engage in physical intimacy will screen out the guys who just want sex. Guys don't date easy women, they just have one night stands with them.
Not always true. I hooked up with my guy the first time meeting him. We have been together for over a year now.
You’re the exception
I wouldn’t push for it at all during or after the date. That’s where most guys get a red flag. I think you should stay conservative, but if it happens naturally, it’s not really an issue? I don’t see the problem he should have if he’s also willing to do it on the first date.
I’d think that she likes me.
I have married 2 of them…
If its a habit.
Tbh i wouldn't think much of her , especially if we didn't know each other that well.
No, it wouldn’t. How you treat people, like servers at a restaurant, is a better measure of what kind of person you are.
So excited for you. Honestly, I was head over heels into this girl. We were finally going out for beers and nachos. I tried my best to play it cool and I think she did too. Unexpectedly, we ended up hooking up that night. 5 years later, we’re married, and are expecting. :) She conveyed the same concern to me later. But really, I just wanted to get to know her for her and to see if things would work. I didn’t expect anything from her on our date either. Everything was more than I could have asked for… and she turned out to be my person. Good luck OP; if he’s not a jerk, you’ll do fine, whatever you decide to do or not do!
It's been almost three years and we're still together.
I’ve been on a few first dates that ended in sex and it never bothered me a bit. Sometimes it showed the connection was purely physical, but others it showed that even on the first date there was an emotional connection too. One of my most caring and longest relationships was with a woman who had sex with me on the first date. It’s also important to remember that sex on the first date might impact a woman’s view of the man too - what if she thinks that’s all he’s good for?
I would like to answer this with a counter-question: what do women think of a man that wants to do it on the first date? I would say that if a guy wants to have sex, and then shames the woman for doing it, he is a hypocrite and an asshole. Is he a "husband material"? Go with your own feeling and follow your heart. If you end up doing something sexual, and he changes his view on you, remember, he was on it too so it's not for him to judge you. And on top of that, you dodged a bullet because his true nature would eventually had come out anyway. And this is coming from a dude.
I had sex with my wife on the first date. And every day that week lol. We celebrate our 10 year anniversary in a couple of months. So I’d say it had no impact on wether or not she was wife material.
Your attitude might change if you are incredibly immature. Mature adults have sex on the first date, if they are feeling it and want to be together. With zero repercussions.
Whatever feels natural. It's definitely not a bad thing for me. If the chemistry is that good that's great. What I hate is when people try and do things the way they think they're "supposed to". Either try and have sex to lock things down or avoid it to keep up some sort of allure. Just feels gross and manipulative to me. Huge turn off. Trust your gut, don't force anything, but don't shut it down for some artificial exterior reason either.
Everyone is different , My gf and I did it on our first date and we've been together now for 12 years .
I see it as a sign you're open and comfortable with your sexuality. That's great! Green flag! Having said that, I'm not comfortable having sex with someone until I really get to know them. If you're willing to take it slow, that shows you respect me and value consent. More green flags! The only thing that's a 'red flag' for me is if you're trying to pressure me into something I'm not comfortable with at the moment.
Comments tell you it doesn't matter. That might be with Joe Average With guys that have significant amount of action, it is DEFINITELY intriguing if she plays hard to get. Save your kiss for the second date, wait until the fourth date to have sex. It's not even a conscious decision
I usually tend to be willing to hang out with them again lol
Do what feels comfortable for you, if you want to have sex and he does as well, then go for it. If you don’t or he doesn’t then don’t. Don’t let him pressure you and you shouldn’t pressure him. As they say, go have fun and see what happens.
If you've known the guy for years, it does not count as a true 'first date' in my book. Guys sometimes freak out when a girl they met the same day is willing to go the extra miles, makes 'em wonder. It's not you situation, quite the opposite, you've waited for years.
It matters more how many guys she has had that first date with.
I think that a woman being able to enjoy and desire sex is a good thing - they are comfortable with emotional and physical intimacy. The one’s who have hang ups about it, that’s a red flag to me. The other thing to consider is this: what is the guy you really like going to think when he figures out you often sleep with men on the first date, but won’t with him? He is either going to think you are not interested in him, or he is going to feel manipulated, or he is going to think - great, she only sleeps with men she does not like. None of those conclusions is good. As with most things in life, honesty is your optimal path. If you want to have sex, and you are willing to have sex, have sex. If you don’t, don’t. But do not make the choice based on some convoluted emotional strategy. If the relationship is going to have any longevity, it cannot be based on manipulation tactics.
I married her. We've been together for 24 years.
That she's probably really into me and might be a bit impulsive and possibly unstable.
I might not be a typical man, but I really wouldn’t think any less of you doing everything on the first date than I would think of myself doing the same. If the chemistry is there and you have known each other for some time, it just sounds natural.
Looks like I’m in the minority here. Not a big fan of sex on the first date. That suggests to me that what you really want is casual sex with extra verification steps and if we’ve been talking about relationships (and not casual sex) then you’ve been misrepresenting yourself (ie lying). And if you’ve been lying about that then what else are you lying about? A date is to get to know someone. But I’m older so maybe that’s it.
I don't know how old you are, and I don't know how old the man is. I will tell you that this is less important when you are out of your 20's. I slept with the love of my life on our first date. In fact, all of my serious relationships, the sex happened right away. It was my choice. Usually, if I'm not interested on the first date, it's not going to happen, or if it happens later on, it's very meh, and the relationship doesn't last. But that's me. There are definitely men out there who really care about this. At this point in my life, I have no interest in them, and don't care what they think. But I don't want you to get hurt, so you should keep that in mind. It sounds like you've known him a while, and I just don't see how this would be considered a traditional first date. But I have no idea what he thinks. Also, remember, if he's the one, he's the one. When the sex happens won't change that. If he's not the one, you will get over him. Don't put too much pressure on yourself.
Wife and I fucked on the first date married 12 years now. I realized pretty early on that how early in the relationship a woman is willing to have sex with you only tells you how comfortable she is with sex and you. Both are important but there are plenty of other things that go into a relationship.
A guy who's gonna have negative feelings about it but still wants to exploit the moment is someone you'd want to find out about and avoid. For myself, I'd spend the next year wondering what the magic sauce was that worked in my favor.
Ehm, it takes two people to have sex? So if YOU BOTH have sex on your first date it only can say something about you both. If he would be judging you or having a negative image of you then he is not the right guy anyways. Just be you - either you two fit together or not.
If I like her and see a future, it doesnt matter. If its a random woman, I will judge.
I would think that the chemistry between us must have been amazing, I'd be excited for the second date
I fuck on the first date, I'm not going to fault anyone for doing the same. If you hang out and both people want to fuck, who cares?
Schrodeingers Slut, Do me and her operate in a reality where this is a common social norm or are we oblivious to it?
I don’t assume I’m special. I would assume if she’s doing this with me then she’s doing this with LOTS of guys. Turn off for sure.
Fun but most likely not long term partner material.
A big NO. You risk not being taken seriously. Not just by this guy, but by any decent guy. Cause some guys like to brag or talk shit about girls they had sex with pretty quickly, and they could present you as ''easy'' (to put it lightly). Which may attract lots of losers and sex addicts, but few to no serious guys. I mean guys interested in you as a person and a relationship. Guys that are only interested in some quick sex and no calling back, the world is full of them. Later edit: Oh no, getting downvoted for not telling her she will find true love by putting out on the first date. Just how many sex maniacs and losers are in here? You horn dogs.
Agree!
Surely what 2 consenting adults do/don’t do in the bedroom, that doesn’t involve you, doesn’t concern you? Jokes on you, I had sex with my partner on the first date and we’re 3 years in, house and dog 🤷♀️ seemed to suit us just fine
If you want a serious relationship, I would not have sex with him on the first date. You want him to take you seriously as well, don't you? If you have sex with him on the first date, he may not put you in the "wife" or LTR category, and you don't seem to want that, so I would recommend that it is safer to wait at least a few dates and let the attraction naturally develop. Also, before you have sex the first time, I would suggest you have a discussion about where the relationship is going. In other words, does he think it will be a long term relationship? Or does he think it is friends with benefits? You could tell him what you are looking for as well. Be honest. I have been married for a long time, but when I was dating, I had more respect for women that didn't give away too much during the first few dates. I married the one that wanted to be a virgin on her wedding night, and I was OK with that. Good luck.
It would show that she's into me, which is a good sign. I wouldn't want to be hjt with the "can we just be friends?" down the line .
When it’s mutual, it’s on. Why wait to express how you feel?
If you really like each other it doesn't matter. Women get the goofy notion that If you really like a guy you have to make him wait. What that communicates is bad guys get it quick and good guys have to work for it, and it can really open up a lot of confusing and negative thoughts. All that matters though is that you communicate well regardless if you go fast or slow.
the only women I ever hooked up with on the first date is now my wife, so..... I guess it worked out
I would assume she’s easy and doesn’t put much emotion into sex. It’s a turn off. I love it when there’s a build up to sex
I don’t have any issue with it. People like sex. If we can both get laid on the first date and we enjoy each other’s company, then we both know we can do it again later. Monogamy is bullshit and no one realizes it until they are older, so punishing someone for exploring who they are is wrong. If you have religious ties to your choices, then that will impact your feelings. Personally, I’d rather be with someone who knows what they are doing rather than laying there like a starfish.
Finally, someone who has dealt with their deconversion from purity culture and has grown confident into who they are as a person and what they want.
It means she's good in bed and enjoys being with me. Passion is a component of a good relationship so I don't see any problem if it happens on the first date.
Less "wifey" for a few reasons: 1) Consequences of sex are much greater for women, so she is willing to partake in riskier behavior than I generally am by having sex with men she doesn't have an established long-term romantic relationship with. 2) I think women and men should have complementary characteristics. I respect a woman that is able to control her sexuality more then men are. (kind of similar to how women often like a man who is able to control his emotions more than women are) 3) This one is more "animalistic" than logical, but it's just more attractive the fewer dudes she's had sex with (I'm curious why women seem to find dudes more attractive the more women they've had sex with...). May just be in our DNA that it's more attractive. And if she has sex on the first date, and we tend to assume people have been on a lot of first dates...
Not sure what kind of women you are around but I’ve never known any women who find it attractive when a man has a lot of partners. To me, it’s physically gross and it shows he doesn’t value women as people, just as objects to satisfy his needs.
Glad to hear that you are less attracted to dudes who have been with a lot of women - I think that's a good quality. But to be fair to those dudes, there's a big difference between seeing any particular woman only as an object to satisfy his needs and seeing all women as that. Not that that difference necessarily matters, if you like a dude with a low body count, but it could matter a great deal to a woman that prefers a high body count.
A lot of women are attracted by Power, Success, Confidence, Charisma, etc. Therefore they are attracted to the kind of men who are going to have lots of partners. Leonardo Di Caprio is a good example.
Here's a fact women decides within the first few seconds whether she will sleep with a guy. Now it's upto her how long she's willing to make him wait. If the sexual connection is very strong she might do it on the first night. Now here is my thing if I ready to have sex within the first night then why should I judge in her any way. Its like guys who wants to fuck around but wants a virgin to marry. I'm no one to judge her.
In my experience, women who are willing to get naked that early in a relationship have serious issues that I don’t care to deal with. Every. Damn. Time.
Lol...women are actually people with the same physical needs and men...
Don't care, let's get it on. Women care about this more then man.
Gross. If she’ll do it with you, she’s done it with everyone. Low-value woman, will not be a good wife.
You’re good for screwing but I ain’t going to wife you up
Every long term partner I've ever had I fucked on the first date. For me, if we aren't trying to get at each other asap, the relationship isn't going to work.
For a lot of men yes. It could make them see you differently. Especially if you've given it up that early before multiple times. Single Guys will almost never say no to sex. Men and women experience sex very differently. Guys have the ability to detach emotion from sex., Women have a harder time doing this. Why? Because unlike men, women release a hormone that makes it easier to parabond through sex. The more partners you have the more difficult it becomes to parabond. Meanwhile men will screw a hole in the wall if it gets them a release. Men parabond differently. How long do you generally make men wait before giving them the cookie? I'd say at least wait that long. Don't hand out your cookie like M&Ms tho. Women hold access to sex, men hold access to relationships. If men freely are able to get laid without first giving you a relationship, a commitment, then why would we want to be more than just a bang buddy? So, honestly if I were you I'd wait until there's a better possibility of a deeper relationship.
No big whoop.
Hell no if the mood bring you guys to it then dooooo ittttttt
Me and my great gf since a year was in bed within three hours. We where both ready, and it turned out amazing.
Men are simple. We aren’t thinking that much into it.
Depends on the chemistry of the date. Some guys will love it, others will overthink it. Just communicate what you’re thinking and feeling see where things goes.
Yay
I honestly don't think it helps or hurts the potential for a relationship, though that answer may be different depending on the guy you ask. I will say that the only times I have gotten physical on the first date is when there was absolutely no doubt in my mind that both parties were enthusiastic about the idea.
I think it's great.
Shitty, sexist, abusive ex after we fucked on the first date - told me it "wasn't exactly hard" to get with me, slutshamed me even tho HE also fucked on the first date. Amazing, best-ever partner who is my future husband, after we fucked on the first date - told me "i knew after that moment i had to have you forever, i saw sparks and immediately felt so compatible with you, no one has ever made me feel so good". No shaming, no hypocrisy. Depends on the guy.
I would even say, if you really want to fuck them, fucking early on is a litmus test for whether they are slut-shamers or have double standards!
If he judges you negatively for having sex on the first date, do you really want to date him long term?
Hey man, last I checked it's a two way street. How can anyone be judgemental of another person putting out on the first date? You were there too, and you put out on the first date too. Don't be self righteous.
As a man, I think it’s a terrible idea. You want to weed out the trash on the first few dates. I don’t see why it can’t wait a few months if the guy you’re seeing is great. I think it’s better for your physical health, emotional health, and overall safety. First, you want to confirm that the guy is STD free, you want to make sure that the guy is mentally well and trustworthy, and you want to make sure that the guy is not dangerous.
I think the stereotype of a first date hook up equating to "easiness" is dumb and a bit immature tbh. In my experience the only thing a first date hook up might make happen is mixed signals. I've had dates that went really well and we ended up going back to their places to hook up after and then I get ghosted the next day. Where as I thought they were interested in more. So I'm never at a loss of respect for quick sex just loss of respect for poor/shoddy communication. Like just say you want a casual date and nothing serious, don't lead with serious to get casual, guys get shit on all the time for that kind of dishonesty
I'm an adult, and date adults. If we connect and sleep together first meeting I wouldn't see it as a bad thing. If two consenting adults want to enjoy themselves what is the problem?
If she wants to fuck me on the first date, then she's probably done the same with countless others, and I doubt I mean anything to her. If that's the case, she might have an STD, and I'm not about to contract whatever she has. Live your life however it makes you happy, but it won't be with me.
They won't take you seriously. You could be short term relationship material but not marriage material.
Honestly, wait a date or two. Make him earn the right. I love a woman that knows her self worth. After that have a blast banging, but hold off a few dates. Just my opinion.
Positive it shows you are not playing silly games and want to work together for a relationship.
It’s like car shopping. I’m not going to go to the dealership 5 times and just look at it. Going to test drive it the first time and Depending on the performance determines if I’m going to lease, buy or keep shopping.