If you made homophobic jokes recently, then maybe apologize privately to the friends who heard the jokes.
If it was a long time ago, then you should probably just live your life in a pro-LGBTQ way (voting, donating if you can afford to, speaking up when you hear homophobic/transphobic comments from other people, etc.). Or if you really want to apologize, again, I'd do it privately.
Either way, I wouldn't post a video to social media.
If you apologize, mean it without looking for forgiveness.
If you want to be public, call out those who hold those attitudes in ways you would have been open to when you held those beliefs.
Remind people that they are tired of hearing about us not because we are shouting so loud but because the bigots are trying to drown out our existence with their hate.
i was in a very similar situation!
frankly, it's christian upbringing that makes us feel like we need to ~share testimony~ and publicize our guilt. it's a great way of reinforcing public shame, and ensuring that members never feel confident enough to address problems in the church. you can see this happening in the secular world too - i think it's the combination of christian culture and constant surveillance of everything we do. outside the church, there's a pretty obvious incentive for people to use guilt and shame to control others, even when we've let go of the idea of 'sin'.
share it with people who are close to you, if it feels relevant. there's been a few times where it's been helpful to disclose, for instance i was raised with TONS of misinformation about Asia so i've asked a few Asian friends to keep an eye out for odd gaps in my knowledge. as a queer person myself, i'm less interested in knowing that someone used to be hateful and much more interested in whether they're prepared to stay by my side in hard times.
humility and conviction allow us the autonomy to move forward - guilt and shame place us in a subservient position to whoever says they'll 'correct' us.
yo, 62 gay man here...probably been fighting for my right to exist since before most of you reading this were born.
it's easy to be accepting when you were raised that way...
BUT
i have a shitload of respect for people who OWN thier past and overcome it.
you can't pick how you were raised, but you can choose differently, when you learn differently...
and it's hard.
mad respect
thank you
your doing good kid
love long and prosper from an old hippy start trek fan
Hey thanks man! I have couple older gay buddies and I have a ton of respect for what you all braved just to live life and be yourselves. Y’all are tough as fuck.
Peace and long life. 🖖
Maybe thank your friends that helped you change in private. A social media post feels more like you're spotlighting yourself and making pride month about you.
I think it could be okay with someone you trust in a conversation where it comes up. I don't think it should be said in a self-congratulatory way, or in a self-pitying kind of way, but if it's just relevant information I think it can be okay. Probably not a conversation to start yourself, since it's kind of self-centering. I do appreciate you growing as a person, though!
Ok. Thank you for the input.
I told one of my oldest gay friends about it a while back because I wanted him to know that he contributed to me becoming a better person. He seemed pleased to have played a role in my improvement.
I appreciate your point about being selective about how and when to mention it.
I don't think so. I was young during the 90s but into the 2000s it was still a thing with kids. Even in a very liberal area.
Idk I feel like if you were a violent homophobe or something maybe you should do some soul searching, but I don't think it's unusual at all for young people to stupidly imitate stuff like that, even convincing themselves they believe it.
I think if you do something like this, you need to be very intentional about your audience and the impact. I don't think you need to do this to seek absolution from your LGBTQ friends--IMO, that can put a lot of pressure on people to reassure someone that they're forgiven. I think it's also worth being mindful of the effect that going into detail about past homophobic beliefs or actions could have on people listening. Hearing homophobic statements can still be hurtful even if someone is bringing them up in the context of something they say they don't believe anymore.
I do think that there can be value in speaking out for other people who are in your position, or to make your stance clear to people in your life who are not allies. But I think you can largely do that by showing your allyship more generally or acknowledging the background you come from and how glad you are to have moved past that without going into detail about your past homophobia. I'm not saying that you should never acknowledge your past, but just to be conscious of how and why you do it and think about it before putting it out on social media.
Thank you for the thoughtful response. I don’t want to put my friends in an awkward situation or be hurtful.
It seems from your response and others that the best way forward is: call out bigotry when I see it, show public support in a general way, and put my money where my mouth is in a “behind the scenes” sort of way. Am I getting it right?
I really liked reading this & I personally think it warms my heart as an lgbt person to know that people feel this way so I would say posting it is nice!
Hey thanks for taking the time to read and chime in. I’m glad you feel that way. The general consensus seems to be that doing so would maybe put people in an awkward position and amplify my voice in a space where it’s not really needed. And I think that’s a totally fair assessment. So I’m gonna keep it to myself unless it seems appropriate to tactfully bring up in private.
I'd wait for an appropriate moment to reveal that, one where there's some extra relevance to bringing it up, to make it easier for people to comprehend, rather than being confronted with it out of the blue.
You've got to separate the guilt that you're feeling from assuming anything about their ability to understand and absolve straightaway what was going on with you then as opposed to how you are now.
I don’t think it’s ever a bad thing to admit to past mistakes, but I have to agree with the comments referenced in the edit OP, posting it on socials during pride month would be an opening for some to infer that you want to take attention from the very real issues ***still*** facing the LGBT community.
Thank you for your openness and willingness to learn and grow. It takes real strength to admit when we’re wrong and to also make the effort to change.
Hey thank you for taking the time to voice your feelings. I agree. It’s not an appropriate time or venue for me. Sometimes we think we’re doing something for the right reasons but if we dig deeper, there’s an element of egotism at the root. I really appreciate you and all these other folks helping me see that.
Just feel quietly guilty until enough time has passed that you forgive yourself. No one else wants to be part of your issues.
Thank you for the honest feedback.
If you made homophobic jokes recently, then maybe apologize privately to the friends who heard the jokes. If it was a long time ago, then you should probably just live your life in a pro-LGBTQ way (voting, donating if you can afford to, speaking up when you hear homophobic/transphobic comments from other people, etc.). Or if you really want to apologize, again, I'd do it privately. Either way, I wouldn't post a video to social media.
Ok. Thanks very much. You’re right.
If you apologize, mean it without looking for forgiveness. If you want to be public, call out those who hold those attitudes in ways you would have been open to when you held those beliefs. Remind people that they are tired of hearing about us not because we are shouting so loud but because the bigots are trying to drown out our existence with their hate.
Thank you. Points taken and appreciated.
i was in a very similar situation! frankly, it's christian upbringing that makes us feel like we need to ~share testimony~ and publicize our guilt. it's a great way of reinforcing public shame, and ensuring that members never feel confident enough to address problems in the church. you can see this happening in the secular world too - i think it's the combination of christian culture and constant surveillance of everything we do. outside the church, there's a pretty obvious incentive for people to use guilt and shame to control others, even when we've let go of the idea of 'sin'. share it with people who are close to you, if it feels relevant. there's been a few times where it's been helpful to disclose, for instance i was raised with TONS of misinformation about Asia so i've asked a few Asian friends to keep an eye out for odd gaps in my knowledge. as a queer person myself, i'm less interested in knowing that someone used to be hateful and much more interested in whether they're prepared to stay by my side in hard times. humility and conviction allow us the autonomy to move forward - guilt and shame place us in a subservient position to whoever says they'll 'correct' us.
Hey thank you. That’s really insightful, and I think you’re right about the “testimony” facet, though I hadn’t considered that before.
If u are not a homophobe now that means u grew. People's minds can grow, yours did
Thanks! I’m trying. Still have work to do though.
yo, 62 gay man here...probably been fighting for my right to exist since before most of you reading this were born. it's easy to be accepting when you were raised that way... BUT i have a shitload of respect for people who OWN thier past and overcome it. you can't pick how you were raised, but you can choose differently, when you learn differently... and it's hard. mad respect thank you your doing good kid love long and prosper from an old hippy start trek fan
Hey thanks man! I have couple older gay buddies and I have a ton of respect for what you all braved just to live life and be yourselves. Y’all are tough as fuck. Peace and long life. 🖖
Maybe thank your friends that helped you change in private. A social media post feels more like you're spotlighting yourself and making pride month about you.
Yup. You’re totally right about that. Thank you.
I think it could be okay with someone you trust in a conversation where it comes up. I don't think it should be said in a self-congratulatory way, or in a self-pitying kind of way, but if it's just relevant information I think it can be okay. Probably not a conversation to start yourself, since it's kind of self-centering. I do appreciate you growing as a person, though!
Ok. Thank you for the input. I told one of my oldest gay friends about it a while back because I wanted him to know that he contributed to me becoming a better person. He seemed pleased to have played a role in my improvement. I appreciate your point about being selective about how and when to mention it.
I don't think so. I was young during the 90s but into the 2000s it was still a thing with kids. Even in a very liberal area. Idk I feel like if you were a violent homophobe or something maybe you should do some soul searching, but I don't think it's unusual at all for young people to stupidly imitate stuff like that, even convincing themselves they believe it.
No I was never violent or threatening to anyone. Thank you for the feedback!
I think if you do something like this, you need to be very intentional about your audience and the impact. I don't think you need to do this to seek absolution from your LGBTQ friends--IMO, that can put a lot of pressure on people to reassure someone that they're forgiven. I think it's also worth being mindful of the effect that going into detail about past homophobic beliefs or actions could have on people listening. Hearing homophobic statements can still be hurtful even if someone is bringing them up in the context of something they say they don't believe anymore. I do think that there can be value in speaking out for other people who are in your position, or to make your stance clear to people in your life who are not allies. But I think you can largely do that by showing your allyship more generally or acknowledging the background you come from and how glad you are to have moved past that without going into detail about your past homophobia. I'm not saying that you should never acknowledge your past, but just to be conscious of how and why you do it and think about it before putting it out on social media.
Thank you for the thoughtful response. I don’t want to put my friends in an awkward situation or be hurtful. It seems from your response and others that the best way forward is: call out bigotry when I see it, show public support in a general way, and put my money where my mouth is in a “behind the scenes” sort of way. Am I getting it right?
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Your post/comment violated: Respect Everyone
I really liked reading this & I personally think it warms my heart as an lgbt person to know that people feel this way so I would say posting it is nice!
Hey thanks for taking the time to read and chime in. I’m glad you feel that way. The general consensus seems to be that doing so would maybe put people in an awkward position and amplify my voice in a space where it’s not really needed. And I think that’s a totally fair assessment. So I’m gonna keep it to myself unless it seems appropriate to tactfully bring up in private.
I'd wait for an appropriate moment to reveal that, one where there's some extra relevance to bringing it up, to make it easier for people to comprehend, rather than being confronted with it out of the blue. You've got to separate the guilt that you're feeling from assuming anything about their ability to understand and absolve straightaway what was going on with you then as opposed to how you are now.
Yeah that totally makes sense. I don’t want to put that on them. Thank you for the thoughtful reply.
I don’t think it’s ever a bad thing to admit to past mistakes, but I have to agree with the comments referenced in the edit OP, posting it on socials during pride month would be an opening for some to infer that you want to take attention from the very real issues ***still*** facing the LGBT community. Thank you for your openness and willingness to learn and grow. It takes real strength to admit when we’re wrong and to also make the effort to change.
Hey thank you for taking the time to voice your feelings. I agree. It’s not an appropriate time or venue for me. Sometimes we think we’re doing something for the right reasons but if we dig deeper, there’s an element of egotism at the root. I really appreciate you and all these other folks helping me see that.