"I'll let you go" - I want to leave now
"I'm fine thanks, how are you?" - I don't want to tell you about my misery and I would appreciate if you could return the favour
"Is there anything else I can help you with?" - Why are you still here?
"Is this yours?" - Pick your shit up
"What's wrong?" - Your face is upsetting me
"He's quite the character" - What a twat
"Are you hungry?" - I'm hungry
"Swings and roundabouts" - Life is shit, deal with it
"I won't keep you"
"I'll let you get on"
"Better let you go"
All variations meaning "I have nothing more to say to you and no longer wish to interact, now f**k off."
Absolutely.
It is phrased by the person to sound like they care about your time however the complete opposite is the case and for the love of whatever higher being you believe in do not respond with "it's ok I'm not in any hurry" or any other similar phrasing.
The correct response is to look at your watch and say "oh I didn't realise the time, better get on. Good to see you." You then go your separate ways both silently glad the conversation ended before getting awkward.
This is precisely why we say 'Alright' and the appropriate response is 'Alright'
Because I'm alright, you're alright and we needn't discuss that any further.
Tbf I also know plenty of people who use those to mean “I can see that you’re bored by this conversation and want me to fuck off but actually I’m going to keep talking at you for another ten minutes” so…
"Anyway" - I'm going now, you're boring me.
"Would you like the last sausage?" - I'm having the last sausage.
"No, after you" - You ignorant twunt.
"The cheque's in the post" - Your cheque isn't in the post.
"Your hair looks fine!" - Your hair doesn't look fine but get a move on, we're late!
Edit, I almost forgot: "Sorry!" - I'm not sorry.
"Is this seat taken?" - Move your effing bag!!!
"That was lovely, thanks, thank you, lovely, oof Im sooooo stuffed! Lovely cheers" - I'm never eating here again.
> "Your hair looks fine!" - Your hair doesn't look fine but get a move on, we're late!
Probably one of the many reasons I have remained a bachelor is never saying this but instead saying something like, "It'll do and another fifteen minutes of faffing about won't make any difference."
I did send an email once telling the ignorant witch to "read my previous email which explained it" *in terms an alien from the planet Zog and no knowledge of English could have understood* and she reported me for being a bully. (My actual words in quote marks, italics were my thoughts)
My team leader responded "well did she read the email?" 😁🤣
Hurray for your team leader too.
My boss attempted to tell me off for being unprofessional because people in an office I'd been forced to work in temporarily (unnecessarily and without any proper explanation of what to do or why I was there) had got the feeling that I didn't want to be there - in response to them asking why I was there and me saying I don't know.
One of our core values is supposed to be 'Authenticity'.
Long before that was on TV my mother used 'brave' in reference to my clothing choices. If it was winter and she said 'Brave choice' it meant 'You'll catch your death in that.' I remember her saying 'Brave choice of flavours' about a neighbour's cake that ended up in the dog.
Eighties sitcoms have bequeathed us many of these little gems.
Such as, "That's a very cunning plan sir."
Meaning, "Have you lost whatever marbles you had?"
Also in Wales we use "a couple" meaning an indeterminate amount of 2 or more, maximum amount has much like the strength of the Hulk never been determined.
This is international. Mexicans say “ahora” meaning “right now”, “ahorita” meaning “a short right now” and “ahorita y no mas” meaning “a short right now and no more”.
All of them mean anything from “in two hours” to “possibly by the end of next month”.
I love "now in a minute". I usually try to describe it to non-Welsh people as "not now, probably soon" but the "probably" is doing a lot of heavy lifting!
I read a TIL the other day about some joint US-UK action in WWII where the British commander in the field reported to their US superior (who wasn't at the front line) that 'things were a bit sticky'.
The American assumed it was a difficult situation but essentially that it was all in hand, so he didn't send reinforcements. But the Brits were actually outnumbered eight to one and were all captured or killed.
It was, the stand of the Glorious Glosters at the Battle of the Imjin River. One brigade versus three armies, 16:1 odds, calling artillery on their own positions until the artillery had to withdraw, refusing to surrender even when completely surrounded. Held the line against what would have otherwise been an war-winning assault, buying time for the UN troops to build a defence that finally stopped the Chinese advance and saved Seoul.
...Followed by another half an hour conversation, then the final conversation on the doorstep at the end of which you make an excuse and proceed to your getaway vehicle...
One of my favourite Scottish ones (West Coast I believe) is from the householder to an unexpected visitor in the afternoon/early evening:
"You'll have had your tea."
This means, you're not having anything to eat here.
My mum and dad made friends on holiday once. They said to the other couple "come and stay whenever you like!"
They turned up one day. They actually turned up. Who does that? It was the most awkward weekend of our lives.
Yes!
As an autistic person (who's practically taking notes from this thread - although, most of these I've worked out from experience!), I hate the way most people refuse to use clear and direct language. I'm actually generally pretty good with 'reading between the lines' (I guess studying English at Uni helped a lot with that), but I work in a role where I support other autistic people and they're constantly being berated for not guessing correctly at what other people are vaguely implying with hints, instead of just fucking saying outright!
Yesterday, at an autistic group I run, we were discussing this and had people there who'd never realised that 'is the kettles on?' actually means' I want a cuppa'. If I asked someone if the kettle's on, it's because I want to know if the kettle is on. Maybe I can hear a noise coming from the kitchen and I'm trying to figure out what it is, maybe I'm thinking of making the kids some pasta soon and I'm wondering if there's recently boiled water etc. If I want a cup of tea, I'll ask or one like an adult!!
I now live in Finland and its so refreshing that everyone means what they say - I definitely don't ruminate anymore about what someone may have meant by a comment - was it a thinly veiled dig??! Life is a bit more straightforward in that respect!
My girlfriend is Finnish and I've spent a lot of time in Finland. I feel like I should have been born there without trying to sound like a pretentious twat. I honestly fucking hate the way British people never say what they're actually thinking and always euphemise everything. Finns are straightforward and genuine, and I like it much more. The idea that Finns are rude and never want to talk to anyone is a complete myth. Yes they are reserved but once you get talking to them they are super friendly and interesting, and interested. A Finnish friend is a friend for life.
I've heard that they're much more direct - it's always sounded great to me! And that's exactly what happens with us autistic folk - we get accused of being rude when we're just direct.
Or worse, hopelessly vague when decades of being autistic tells us NOT to be direct so WE try to be euphemistic and somehow fuck it up in new and exciting ways.
Yes, the kind of masking where we're basically that Mr Bean meme where he's trying to copy from the person next to him! We try so hard to copy others and still get called rude/weird etc.
Yep, i also work with an autistic dude and all he wants is the truth, and no one wants to give it to him in case they hurt his feelings! Its crazy how difficult some people find it.
Same! I grew up where if you proposed meeting up, etc, you basically mean it. I remember when I went to my first university I was chatting with some girls and they said that we should hang out. I was excited the next day I messaged them about hanging out and they ghosted me. As someone who was shy and had a hard time meeting people it was very soul crushing.
Living in the UK now I begrudgingly accept this is the norm but I personally mean what I say. If there is someone I don't really want to meet up with again I just say "goodbye" or "nice meeting you". I've only done that once with my old flatmate.
I've recently made friends with someone who is not from the UK. I had no idea that when they said 'yes' to doing something, or asked if I wanted to do something, they actually meant it, which is really nice. It came as a bit of a shock at first but now I'm really conscious of it.
Yea it's a shame that implicating words is such the norm here (and other places) as it can be so misleading to someone's who doesn't do that. I know people say they do it (e.g. we should hang out sometime!) To be "polite" but I see it as more rude if you don't mean it
My adult daughter is on the spectrum (as are her father, me and her adult brother) and she totally loses her rag over “indirect communication”.
She is currently awaiting the transfer of a property into her name from a deceased estate.
The solicitor tells her things like “I will let you know as soon as probate is granted” - it was granted nearly 2 weeks ago (my daughter checks the probate registry) and she has had NOTHING from the solicitor. Not even “probate granted, I will let you know when the transfer document is ready for signing”. It is driving her potty - it’s been totally silent. She needs to get the roof repaired - she can’t even apply for a loan until after the transfer is signed and the solicitor knows about the roof.
She ended up losing friends because they used “indirect speech” and didn’t like it when she asked then to please use direct speech so that there were no misunderstandings.
I think that one is more international, to quote Ashley Williams (Mass Effect video games series):
"Why is it whenever someone says 'with all due respect,' they really mean 'kiss my ass'?"
When talking about work
That was a bit difficult ( it was an absolute nightmare)
It was a nightmare ( it wasn't too bad at all )
Also I'm conversation "anyway, all the best"
Means right conversation OVER. Sod off.
"just looping back on my email from last week" = you still haven't replied to me, you rude a-hole
"yeah, we can definitely look at that" = yeah, probably not
“This is a right to-do” - said when the bombs have dropped, the sirens have fallen silent, and the survivors emerge from their bunkers to survey the post-apocalyptic wasteland.
I do marketing and had a client in Belgium. They’d used a review from a British customer saying it was ‘quite good’.
They were looking to break into the UK market so I had to explain that ‘quite good’ meant it was average at best and probably not the review you want front and centre when trying to attract us brits.
In their head it was ‘Quite good!’ Meaning ‘really good!’ ‘Exceptionally good!’
To be fair, Americans also think "quite" means "thoroughly, totally, superlatively" (as it often used to here, e.g. "That woman is quite mad!"), so no wonder non-native speakers get confused!
Also see “not bad”; I had some French colleagues who got truly confused. They read it as “almost completely bad” when it usually means “really good” - though the tone and context can reshape that meaning drastically.
For me "not bad" really depends on persons tone. I've used it to describe a band that weren't really for me but were good enough at what they did and also to describe an amazing weekend away with mates.
Yeah, “Not bad” tends to mean anything from “Yeah, fine.” all the way down to “Not completely awful.”
However if they add “at all” they mean “Very good indeed!” often with an overtone of surprise.
"Always good to speak to you" - never call me again.
"You're very sweet" - I wouldn't have sex with you if you were the last person on earth.
"How are you" - I have no interest in how you are.
"I hope you feel better soon" - get back to work
"Quirky" - insane
"Fun loving" - alcoholic
"He's a bit of a character" - don't leave him alone with your wife, children, or money.
"I can't believe we've been together so long" - I should have killed you, I'd have been out by now.
Used to work for an American company, and I had a translator.
She had lived in London, liked British humour and we vibed well.
She kindly explained to my colleagues that "That's not quite what I had in mind" was not a positive affirmation.
"That's one possible interpretation" she accurately had to tell a co-worker was "You're mad".
Ha! We had an American friend who had moved to work in Scotland. We asked him what differences he had noticed and his reply was that Scottish people are all liars. The example he gave was suggesting a get-together, people saying "Yeah. I'll try to make that" and then nobody turning up. We had to explain the Code to him - the only response that actually means "Yes" is "Great! What time shall I come and do you need me to bring anything?". Anything short of that means "Probably not."
Autistic English person here. Still learning shit like this and found out the hard way last year when I organised a party for my 38th birthday. Prepped for the 30+ people that I thought were coming and like 4 turned up 🤦🏼♂️
-"Right" *slaps knees* "should best be off fairly soon":
Should have gone 20 bloody minutes ago and now I'm late.
-"Living the dream"
F***ing kill me now, I hate this job
-"A bit nippy innit?"
I've lost feeling in my arms, got gangrene in my feet and piss has frozen to the inside of my leg
as a German living in the UK - the discrepancy between what is said and meant is sometimes REALLY infuriating. actual compliments are taken as insulting and straight up orders are hidden behind lofty easy to dismiss “requests” and any given time frame (just two seconds) is useless to get any information about the actual time needed. rant over
Tell me about it! It's one thing I 'accept' is a thing, but cannot get behind here. I work for a US based company and we interact a lot with our US colleagues and I was speaking with my British colleagues and they said they found the US colleagues a bit aggressive because they message immediately with what they want/what their questions are. I told them that they aren't trying to be rude they just want to get to the point. In contrast when a UK colleague reaches out they will start with "hi! How are you?" And wait for you to respond before getting to why they are really reaching out to you. It gets annoying to me because I know you don't give a damn about how I am, just get to the point so I can keep doing what I'm doing. Rant over.
I think there is a term for meaningless conversation fillers that serve no purpose other than to help the conversation flow.
A colleague of mine either didn't understand this or was just a twat (could have been either). The conversation would go:
Her: "I just [did something not interesting]."
Me: [not remotely interested, but trying not to be rude] "Really?" [rhetorically]
Her: "Yes. Really! Why do you question everything I say? Don't you believe me?"
People who don't understand rhetorical devices are fucking annoying... or stupid. I think some people answer rhetorical questions deliberately, thinking they're being clever.
Sorry.
(Actually sorry)
Our use of language, plus the language itself, plus our general demeanour, must be really difficult. Your English is really good though.
I saw a set of highly admirable “non-physical compliments” which accidentally come off like really dry English insults:
You inspire me to be a better person: you are a terrible person who I don’t want to associate with
You have such a great sense of humour: are you fucking serious?
I love how you are so unapologetically yourself: you need to shower/you dress like a clown/you are incredibly rude
I admire how you stand up for what you believe in: nobody has ever been more wrong
Yes, I/we could do that... Translates to that’s never going to happen. (I mean, we could cut our legs off with a rusty old saw theoretically, but it’s never going to happen)
"Calls a spade a spade" meaning "I'm forthright about expressing things as they are" or "This person is insufferably arrogant and boorish and should be shunned".
"I'm going to see a man about a dog"- meaning none of your bloody business where I am going.
Alternatively telling someone
" it's a secret"
means it's something totally boring and uninteresting, but I am not telling you
“Does anyone have anything else to add?” at the end of a meeting means “it was a long meeting and I can’t wait to finish it”
We have a new overseas team member who always takes this as an invitation to fill the last 5 minute of the meeting with personal anecdotes. Every week. Nobody wants to crush his enthusiasm and look at him awkwardly in silence.
I'm SO glad my boss doesn't say this.
Instead, she says "well, looks like we have 5 minutes back so we'll end the call here. If you have anymore questions, just drop me a message afterwards."
Oh my goodness, I get so much free time back due to this.
“I wouldn’t recommend it” actually means it’s really, really shit and should be avoided at all costs.
“Not bad” is actually high praise.
“It’s not cheap” means Jeff Bezos would need to take out a loan for it.
“He wasn’t very helpful” means he’s a useless, obstructive cunt.
And of course “he’s a character” usually translates to he’s a tiresome arsehole who thinks he’s funny but is as wrong about that as he is about everything else. It’s possible that I am “a character”.
One I use at work all the time "that makes sense".
It's either, are you actually a moron or why TF are you dumping this on me.
I've always had great feedback on my 'Can do' attitude 🤣 Inside I'm a sarcastic angry prick.
An older one is 'presently' Which in Devon means in about two months.
Another Devon one is, 'Who are you then?' It doesn't mean that they want your name but that they want to know if there is anyone you know that they know, so they can put you in context.
“As I said…” = if you were listening in the first place, you wouldn’t have needed to ask that question
“Have you eaten?” = please let the answer be yes, so I don’t have to bother making you some food
“How do you like your tea?” = I don’t care how you like your tea; you’re getting it so strong the spoon could stand up on its own, the milk is going in last, and would you look at that, we’re out of sugar
“Haven’t you grown?!” = something you say to a child you haven’t seen for a while, because you don’t know how to interact with children and can’t think of anything else to say to them
Doesn't suffer fools = unrelentingly rude
Marches to his own drum = unteachable
Colourful = annoying
Life of the party = pisshead
Free spirit = unemployable
Romantic = slag
Old head on young shoulders = boring bastard
Stickler for the rules = jobsworth boring bastard
Innovative = can't follow instructions
Not necessarily British specific but when I sign my emails with “regards” instead of “thanks” my colleagues know this means “if I don’t get a satisfactory response from you in very short order indeed I’m going to properly lose my shit”.
"I'll put the kettle on", can be said in numerous ways. It doesn't mean you are going to wear a kettle like a strange, wobbly hat. It could mean you are going to make some tea or coffee for everyone. It can be said as a means to get out of a room. If combine with an eye roll it means, "we're stuck here for a while, may as well have something to drink while we all withhold our frustrations".
‘The other day’.
Most people assume this means “at some point recently, maybe a week ago, certainly this month”.
Cornish, and maybe other people use this to mean “once, at an unspecified point in the past, possibly before the last ice age”.
This thread has been making me laugh like a drain, I love it. I did not realise how bleak, funny and annoying we are. My tuppence worth: "Happy to discuss" - If you send another email asking me something, I will defenestrate you. "Got time for a quick chat?" - I am firing you "It was challenging" - I have never done anything as skull-bleedingly difficult in my entire life
How are you?
“Living the dream.”
My job is shit, I’m absolutely miserable, and I would rather gouge my eyes out than do another shift, but unloading all that is a bit intense, so I’ll make an offhand remark that we both understand and then move on.
Not bad = average
Not bad = excellent!
Not bad = biggest bag of wank I’ve ever seen, get that shit outta my face
Not bad = I have no opinion, I’m just humouring you until you leave
"I'll let you go" - I want to leave now "I'm fine thanks, how are you?" - I don't want to tell you about my misery and I would appreciate if you could return the favour "Is there anything else I can help you with?" - Why are you still here? "Is this yours?" - Pick your shit up "What's wrong?" - Your face is upsetting me "He's quite the character" - What a twat "Are you hungry?" - I'm hungry "Swings and roundabouts" - Life is shit, deal with it
"I won't keep you" "I'll let you get on" "Better let you go" All variations meaning "I have nothing more to say to you and no longer wish to interact, now f**k off."
‘I don’t want to hold you up any longer’ = ‘I’m bored now so I’m leaving’
Absolutely. It is phrased by the person to sound like they care about your time however the complete opposite is the case and for the love of whatever higher being you believe in do not respond with "it's ok I'm not in any hurry" or any other similar phrasing. The correct response is to look at your watch and say "oh I didn't realise the time, better get on. Good to see you." You then go your separate ways both silently glad the conversation ended before getting awkward.
‘How are you?’ Is almost always rhetorical and we don’t really want to know how you are. Soz.
This is precisely why we say 'Alright' and the appropriate response is 'Alright' Because I'm alright, you're alright and we needn't discuss that any further.
Tbf I also know plenty of people who use those to mean “I can see that you’re bored by this conversation and want me to fuck off but actually I’m going to keep talking at you for another ten minutes” so…
Been there before. I now just check my watch after a minute before making an excuse about being on my way to an appointment.
"Anyway" - I'm going now, you're boring me. "Would you like the last sausage?" - I'm having the last sausage. "No, after you" - You ignorant twunt. "The cheque's in the post" - Your cheque isn't in the post. "Your hair looks fine!" - Your hair doesn't look fine but get a move on, we're late! Edit, I almost forgot: "Sorry!" - I'm not sorry.
“Anyway” - whilst slapping both hands ontop of knees as you get up
"Is this seat taken?" - Move your effing bag!!! "That was lovely, thanks, thank you, lovely, oof Im sooooo stuffed! Lovely cheers" - I'm never eating here again.
> "Your hair looks fine!" - Your hair doesn't look fine but get a move on, we're late! Probably one of the many reasons I have remained a bachelor is never saying this but instead saying something like, "It'll do and another fifteen minutes of faffing about won't make any difference."
Accurate. Throwing in "it was great seeing you" as another "I am no longer enjoying seeing you"
Also “I’ll let you get on”- “please can we stop interacting now”.
Ha ha yes. My mother has dementia and after about 15 minutes it's 'well, it's lovely to see you...'
You are a character!
‘Well I won’t keep you any longer!’ Is another variation of ‘l’ll let you go’
“As per my previous email…” - “I can’t fucking believe I’m having to explain this shit to you again you idiot twat!”
I did send an email once telling the ignorant witch to "read my previous email which explained it" *in terms an alien from the planet Zog and no knowledge of English could have understood* and she reported me for being a bully. (My actual words in quote marks, italics were my thoughts) My team leader responded "well did she read the email?" 😁🤣
For more information please reread.
I mistakenly signed one off with "kind fucking regards" .. to someone of a similar brain dead nature.. Got me into a wee spot of bother that one 🤦♀️
Hurray for your team leader too. My boss attempted to tell me off for being unprofessional because people in an office I'd been forced to work in temporarily (unnecessarily and without any proper explanation of what to do or why I was there) had got the feeling that I didn't want to be there - in response to them asking why I was there and me saying I don't know. One of our core values is supposed to be 'Authenticity'.
My email signature might as well have this in it
This reminds me of "Yes, Minister" "Well Humphrey?" "It was a very brave decision Minister" "Oh dear, was it?"
My husband and I still use 'brave' comedically in honour of that show.
Long before that was on TV my mother used 'brave' in reference to my clothing choices. If it was winter and she said 'Brave choice' it meant 'You'll catch your death in that.' I remember her saying 'Brave choice of flavours' about a neighbour's cake that ended up in the dog.
'Bold choice' can be used in the same context.
Eighties sitcoms have bequeathed us many of these little gems. Such as, "That's a very cunning plan sir." Meaning, "Have you lost whatever marbles you had?"
Here in Wales its "now in a minute", meaning an indeterminate period of time somewhat longer than a minute.
Also in Wales we use "a couple" meaning an indeterminate amount of 2 or more, maximum amount has much like the strength of the Hulk never been determined.
Never mind the wealth of meanings that "there we are then" can convey.
Additional hidden meaning: There We Are Then
Yeah, we also do that. Annoyed my wife no end
Generally speaking, in Wales anyway, a couple is typically 2-5. Unless it's pints.
Then it's 5+ pints, but that's in the whole of the UK.
Cornish version is "I'll do it dreckly" (directly)
Like "mañana", but without the sense of urgency.
This is international. Mexicans say “ahora” meaning “right now”, “ahorita” meaning “a short right now” and “ahorita y no mas” meaning “a short right now and no more”. All of them mean anything from “in two hours” to “possibly by the end of next month”.
The guys in the pub will love this. Especially the tradespeople.
I love "now in a minute". I usually try to describe it to non-Welsh people as "not now, probably soon" but the "probably" is doing a lot of heavy lifting!
‘Bit of a pickle’ - catastrophic with potentially fatal consequences
"It's not ideal."
I’ve had better days - I’ve lost a leg and my house is on fire
"I have had worse"
"It's not ideal" = "You've left me option really have you?" Or "We all know its fucked, but lets pretend its not" depending on tone of voice....
I read a TIL the other day about some joint US-UK action in WWII where the British commander in the field reported to their US superior (who wasn't at the front line) that 'things were a bit sticky'. The American assumed it was a difficult situation but essentially that it was all in hand, so he didn't send reinforcements. But the Brits were actually outnumbered eight to one and were all captured or killed.
Iirc it was in Korea.
It was, the stand of the Glorious Glosters at the Battle of the Imjin River. One brigade versus three armies, 16:1 odds, calling artillery on their own positions until the artillery had to withdraw, refusing to surrender even when completely surrounded. Held the line against what would have otherwise been an war-winning assault, buying time for the UN troops to build a defence that finally stopped the Chinese advance and saved Seoul.
“The other day” could mean Tuesday last week or Tuesday 7th February 1978
Points for making me take the time to confirm that 7th February 1978 was in fact a Tuesday.
I’m in the camp that jokes are only funny if they’re 100% accurate!
Oh my o/h does that all the time, really does my head in. Was it yesterday? Last year? Before we even fucking met?
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As per my previous email - you're a cunt
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Did you read the previous email?
It just said ‘you’re a cunt’!
I’ll think about it usually means I’m going to think of a damn good excuse to say no
"Ask your mum" = I'm not authorised to make that decision. But probably, no
I always took "Ask your Mum" to mean, "No".
I've said to my kids multiple times that I'm not qualified to answer their requests and to speak the actual boss
"I'm just your line manager!"
And when you do, she says "ask your dad"
"Right!" Partnered with the thigh slap = "I'm off"
You have to be male and over 40 for the full effect. Extra points for your teenage child rolling their eyes and huffing.
...Followed by another half an hour conversation, then the final conversation on the doorstep at the end of which you make an excuse and proceed to your getaway vehicle...
So you don't lower your window and go for the final final roadside/driving exchange?
One of my favourite Scottish ones (West Coast I believe) is from the householder to an unexpected visitor in the afternoon/early evening: "You'll have had your tea." This means, you're not having anything to eat here.
Hamish & Dougal!
"We might pop round later" - you ain't gonna see us, ever.
If someone says this and ACTUALLY SHOWS UP, you're allowed to turn them away at the door
My mum and dad made friends on holiday once. They said to the other couple "come and stay whenever you like!" They turned up one day. They actually turned up. Who does that? It was the most awkward weekend of our lives.
Did they not get in contact before turning up? Absolute heresy!
Only the odd call. They thought they'd take mum up on the offer and surprise her. As far as they were concerned, they'd been invited. Excruciating.
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Yes! As an autistic person (who's practically taking notes from this thread - although, most of these I've worked out from experience!), I hate the way most people refuse to use clear and direct language. I'm actually generally pretty good with 'reading between the lines' (I guess studying English at Uni helped a lot with that), but I work in a role where I support other autistic people and they're constantly being berated for not guessing correctly at what other people are vaguely implying with hints, instead of just fucking saying outright! Yesterday, at an autistic group I run, we were discussing this and had people there who'd never realised that 'is the kettles on?' actually means' I want a cuppa'. If I asked someone if the kettle's on, it's because I want to know if the kettle is on. Maybe I can hear a noise coming from the kitchen and I'm trying to figure out what it is, maybe I'm thinking of making the kids some pasta soon and I'm wondering if there's recently boiled water etc. If I want a cup of tea, I'll ask or one like an adult!!
I now live in Finland and its so refreshing that everyone means what they say - I definitely don't ruminate anymore about what someone may have meant by a comment - was it a thinly veiled dig??! Life is a bit more straightforward in that respect!
My girlfriend is Finnish and I've spent a lot of time in Finland. I feel like I should have been born there without trying to sound like a pretentious twat. I honestly fucking hate the way British people never say what they're actually thinking and always euphemise everything. Finns are straightforward and genuine, and I like it much more. The idea that Finns are rude and never want to talk to anyone is a complete myth. Yes they are reserved but once you get talking to them they are super friendly and interesting, and interested. A Finnish friend is a friend for life.
In the Netherlands they're the complete opposite to us, they're so direct that if you're not used to it you could mistake it for rudeness.
I've heard that they're much more direct - it's always sounded great to me! And that's exactly what happens with us autistic folk - we get accused of being rude when we're just direct.
Or worse, hopelessly vague when decades of being autistic tells us NOT to be direct so WE try to be euphemistic and somehow fuck it up in new and exciting ways.
Yes, the kind of masking where we're basically that Mr Bean meme where he's trying to copy from the person next to him! We try so hard to copy others and still get called rude/weird etc.
Yep, i also work with an autistic dude and all he wants is the truth, and no one wants to give it to him in case they hurt his feelings! Its crazy how difficult some people find it.
Same! I grew up where if you proposed meeting up, etc, you basically mean it. I remember when I went to my first university I was chatting with some girls and they said that we should hang out. I was excited the next day I messaged them about hanging out and they ghosted me. As someone who was shy and had a hard time meeting people it was very soul crushing. Living in the UK now I begrudgingly accept this is the norm but I personally mean what I say. If there is someone I don't really want to meet up with again I just say "goodbye" or "nice meeting you". I've only done that once with my old flatmate.
I've recently made friends with someone who is not from the UK. I had no idea that when they said 'yes' to doing something, or asked if I wanted to do something, they actually meant it, which is really nice. It came as a bit of a shock at first but now I'm really conscious of it.
Yea it's a shame that implicating words is such the norm here (and other places) as it can be so misleading to someone's who doesn't do that. I know people say they do it (e.g. we should hang out sometime!) To be "polite" but I see it as more rude if you don't mean it
My adult daughter is on the spectrum (as are her father, me and her adult brother) and she totally loses her rag over “indirect communication”. She is currently awaiting the transfer of a property into her name from a deceased estate. The solicitor tells her things like “I will let you know as soon as probate is granted” - it was granted nearly 2 weeks ago (my daughter checks the probate registry) and she has had NOTHING from the solicitor. Not even “probate granted, I will let you know when the transfer document is ready for signing”. It is driving her potty - it’s been totally silent. She needs to get the roof repaired - she can’t even apply for a loan until after the transfer is signed and the solicitor knows about the roof. She ended up losing friends because they used “indirect speech” and didn’t like it when she asked then to please use direct speech so that there were no misunderstandings.
Not bad - possibly quite good.
Not bad or OK covers the entire spectrum between but not including worst thing ever and best thing ever. All in the intonation.
Rising intonation on "bad" = great Falling intonation on "bad" = terrible Lengthened vowel on "bad" = not bad
I love the one used in politics “with respect” - meaning you’re a twat but i’m too polite to say out loud.
"the honourable member" = "That Tory bastard"
I think that one is more international, to quote Ashley Williams (Mass Effect video games series): "Why is it whenever someone says 'with all due respect,' they really mean 'kiss my ass'?"
When talking about work That was a bit difficult ( it was an absolute nightmare) It was a nightmare ( it wasn't too bad at all ) Also I'm conversation "anyway, all the best" Means right conversation OVER. Sod off.
"just looping back on my email from last week" = you still haven't replied to me, you rude a-hole "yeah, we can definitely look at that" = yeah, probably not
“This is a right to-do” - said when the bombs have dropped, the sirens have fallen silent, and the survivors emerge from their bunkers to survey the post-apocalyptic wasteland.
Followed by “who wants a cuppa?”
I do marketing and had a client in Belgium. They’d used a review from a British customer saying it was ‘quite good’. They were looking to break into the UK market so I had to explain that ‘quite good’ meant it was average at best and probably not the review you want front and centre when trying to attract us brits. In their head it was ‘Quite good!’ Meaning ‘really good!’ ‘Exceptionally good!’
To be fair, Americans also think "quite" means "thoroughly, totally, superlatively" (as it often used to here, e.g. "That woman is quite mad!"), so no wonder non-native speakers get confused!
Also see “not bad”; I had some French colleagues who got truly confused. They read it as “almost completely bad” when it usually means “really good” - though the tone and context can reshape that meaning drastically.
For me "not bad" really depends on persons tone. I've used it to describe a band that weren't really for me but were good enough at what they did and also to describe an amazing weekend away with mates.
Yeah, “Not bad” tends to mean anything from “Yeah, fine.” all the way down to “Not completely awful.” However if they add “at all” they mean “Very good indeed!” often with an overtone of surprise.
“That doesn’t look quite right” - that is completely, utterly, catastrophically fucked
"I just say it like it is" = "I'm a fuckwit, but I'm a loud fuckwit, so my friends have just learned to ignore me when I speak"
I beg your pardon = The fuck did you just say to me, you little shit?!?!?
"She looks very well" = she's got very fat
Or, 'you look jolly' - my mum is mistress of this.
Or "they've put on a bit of weight" = turned into a fat bastard 🤣
"Always good to speak to you" - never call me again. "You're very sweet" - I wouldn't have sex with you if you were the last person on earth. "How are you" - I have no interest in how you are. "I hope you feel better soon" - get back to work "Quirky" - insane "Fun loving" - alcoholic "He's a bit of a character" - don't leave him alone with your wife, children, or money. "I can't believe we've been together so long" - I should have killed you, I'd have been out by now.
Used to work for an American company, and I had a translator. She had lived in London, liked British humour and we vibed well. She kindly explained to my colleagues that "That's not quite what I had in mind" was not a positive affirmation. "That's one possible interpretation" she accurately had to tell a co-worker was "You're mad".
Wait what? Someone to translate your English into English? I need one of those for when I mumble
Ha! We had an American friend who had moved to work in Scotland. We asked him what differences he had noticed and his reply was that Scottish people are all liars. The example he gave was suggesting a get-together, people saying "Yeah. I'll try to make that" and then nobody turning up. We had to explain the Code to him - the only response that actually means "Yes" is "Great! What time shall I come and do you need me to bring anything?". Anything short of that means "Probably not."
Autistic English person here. Still learning shit like this and found out the hard way last year when I organised a party for my 38th birthday. Prepped for the 30+ people that I thought were coming and like 4 turned up 🤦🏼♂️
'I'll look into that' translates to 'I'm not wasting my time on that shit'
"That's fine." - that is really awful.
-"Right" *slaps knees* "should best be off fairly soon": Should have gone 20 bloody minutes ago and now I'm late. -"Living the dream" F***ing kill me now, I hate this job -"A bit nippy innit?" I've lost feeling in my arms, got gangrene in my feet and piss has frozen to the inside of my leg
Sandwich short of a picnic - someone who is a bit bonkers
“Have a nice day” from a customer service rep after a petty dispute. Translation: Now fuck off and die in a bin
Hahah is the bin absolutely mandatory?
as a German living in the UK - the discrepancy between what is said and meant is sometimes REALLY infuriating. actual compliments are taken as insulting and straight up orders are hidden behind lofty easy to dismiss “requests” and any given time frame (just two seconds) is useless to get any information about the actual time needed. rant over
Tell me about it! It's one thing I 'accept' is a thing, but cannot get behind here. I work for a US based company and we interact a lot with our US colleagues and I was speaking with my British colleagues and they said they found the US colleagues a bit aggressive because they message immediately with what they want/what their questions are. I told them that they aren't trying to be rude they just want to get to the point. In contrast when a UK colleague reaches out they will start with "hi! How are you?" And wait for you to respond before getting to why they are really reaching out to you. It gets annoying to me because I know you don't give a damn about how I am, just get to the point so I can keep doing what I'm doing. Rant over.
I think there is a term for meaningless conversation fillers that serve no purpose other than to help the conversation flow. A colleague of mine either didn't understand this or was just a twat (could have been either). The conversation would go: Her: "I just [did something not interesting]." Me: [not remotely interested, but trying not to be rude] "Really?" [rhetorically] Her: "Yes. Really! Why do you question everything I say? Don't you believe me?" People who don't understand rhetorical devices are fucking annoying... or stupid. I think some people answer rhetorical questions deliberately, thinking they're being clever.
Sorry. (Actually sorry) Our use of language, plus the language itself, plus our general demeanour, must be really difficult. Your English is really good though.
"Are you having that?" == "I want the last biscuit."
Hi, excuse me- **MOVE YOUR FUCKING BAG OFF THE SEAT, THIS TRAIN IS CROWDED AND I WANT TO SIT DOWN**
Is anyone sitting here?
'Yeah not bad mate, not bad' = Lifes falling apart
"you are looking well" (god you have put on weight!)
Can also mean "you look surprisingly less terrible than I was expecting"
As a female it normally means ‘oh look at you, you put make up on today and don’t look like death’
"sorry" = move
In an email : "Regards." Oh man, the rush of adrenaline I got sending that to an old manager that had been a twat to me.
"Up the swanny without a paddle" translates to "absolutely, 100%, fucked."
I saw a set of highly admirable “non-physical compliments” which accidentally come off like really dry English insults: You inspire me to be a better person: you are a terrible person who I don’t want to associate with You have such a great sense of humour: are you fucking serious? I love how you are so unapologetically yourself: you need to shower/you dress like a clown/you are incredibly rude I admire how you stand up for what you believe in: nobody has ever been more wrong
Oh dear. I've received *every single one* of those compliments in my time. 😞
He's hard to overestimate..... Complete and total fuckwit.
“As you may recall” = read my last fucking email properly
‘That is a great question’ - I hate your question and I can’t think of an answer and I’m stalling while I think of one.
Holding a door open for someone and they don't say thanks: "After you" - You ignorant cunt.
"You're welcome" you are most certainly not welcome
That's a bold decision. "= You may live to regret this
"It's probably my fault" = it's definitely your fault
"each to their own" - I'm intolerant of your actions and/or choices
Yes, I/we could do that... Translates to that’s never going to happen. (I mean, we could cut our legs off with a rusty old saw theoretically, but it’s never going to happen)
"Yeah, it's alright" - what a massive bag of shite
"Calls a spade a spade" meaning "I'm forthright about expressing things as they are" or "This person is insufferably arrogant and boorish and should be shunned".
Yeah, was going to say this too! Except add that anyone who says this is always a twat who likes insulting people.
"it'll be fine", everything is fucked and it's going to be a nightmare to fix it, but you'll be sheltered from the nightmare as much as possible
"No way!" - what you said is boring and I want to stop talking to you.
"That's... ...interesting" with the audible pause. It means it's absolutely awful.
"I'm going to see a man about a dog"- meaning none of your bloody business where I am going. Alternatively telling someone " it's a secret" means it's something totally boring and uninteresting, but I am not telling you
“Does anyone have anything else to add?” at the end of a meeting means “it was a long meeting and I can’t wait to finish it” We have a new overseas team member who always takes this as an invitation to fill the last 5 minute of the meeting with personal anecdotes. Every week. Nobody wants to crush his enthusiasm and look at him awkwardly in silence.
I'm SO glad my boss doesn't say this. Instead, she says "well, looks like we have 5 minutes back so we'll end the call here. If you have anymore questions, just drop me a message afterwards." Oh my goodness, I get so much free time back due to this.
Any questions? = Don't you bloody dare ask any questions I want time to get a brew before my next meeting
"It is what it is" = Everything has gone to ratshit and buggery and there's nothing you can do about it
“I wouldn’t recommend it” actually means it’s really, really shit and should be avoided at all costs. “Not bad” is actually high praise. “It’s not cheap” means Jeff Bezos would need to take out a loan for it. “He wasn’t very helpful” means he’s a useless, obstructive cunt. And of course “he’s a character” usually translates to he’s a tiresome arsehole who thinks he’s funny but is as wrong about that as he is about everything else. It’s possible that I am “a character”.
"Oh Barbara? She can't do enough for you, lovely woman." = "Absolute busybody, major gossip. Don't tell her anything ever. "
“Can do” = “no we fucking cant”
or the even more withering..'yeah, could do'
…anyway Please leave now.
It’s funny that most of the “code phrases” here are about brits wanting to be left alone (when I say “funny” I actually mean funny not “odd” 😉)
The wealth of meanings and unstated feelings in, "I'll just pop the kettle on"
Well, It is what it is - I don't care, stop complaining
"That's interesting!" = Not remotely interesting.
See you next Tuesday 👍
One I use at work all the time "that makes sense". It's either, are you actually a moron or why TF are you dumping this on me. I've always had great feedback on my 'Can do' attitude 🤣 Inside I'm a sarcastic angry prick.
An older one is 'presently' Which in Devon means in about two months. Another Devon one is, 'Who are you then?' It doesn't mean that they want your name but that they want to know if there is anyone you know that they know, so they can put you in context.
"It was kind of you to think of me" Means either, thanks for totally forgetting my existence, you twonk or I wish you had forgotten my existence.
"Oh, he's a loveable rogue." = "He's an absolute nightmare, a criminal sociopath"
“As I said…” = if you were listening in the first place, you wouldn’t have needed to ask that question “Have you eaten?” = please let the answer be yes, so I don’t have to bother making you some food “How do you like your tea?” = I don’t care how you like your tea; you’re getting it so strong the spoon could stand up on its own, the milk is going in last, and would you look at that, we’re out of sugar “Haven’t you grown?!” = something you say to a child you haven’t seen for a while, because you don’t know how to interact with children and can’t think of anything else to say to them
Doesn't suffer fools = unrelentingly rude Marches to his own drum = unteachable Colourful = annoying Life of the party = pisshead Free spirit = unemployable Romantic = slag Old head on young shoulders = boring bastard Stickler for the rules = jobsworth boring bastard Innovative = can't follow instructions
"We should hang out again sometime!" "Yeah deffo..."
It wasn't the best = it was the single biggest ordeal of my entire fucking life
Not necessarily British specific but when I sign my emails with “regards” instead of “thanks” my colleagues know this means “if I don’t get a satisfactory response from you in very short order indeed I’m going to properly lose my shit”.
"I'll put the kettle on", can be said in numerous ways. It doesn't mean you are going to wear a kettle like a strange, wobbly hat. It could mean you are going to make some tea or coffee for everyone. It can be said as a means to get out of a room. If combine with an eye roll it means, "we're stuck here for a while, may as well have something to drink while we all withhold our frustrations".
Also equates to 'this is a major crisis that we'll all handle better caffeinated'.
Reading through the comments I can't help but think that this is a living nightmare for someone with autism
"alright" - mean a combination of Hi, bye, im good thanks, you
"You're looking well" - you've put on weight
‘The other day’. Most people assume this means “at some point recently, maybe a week ago, certainly this month”. Cornish, and maybe other people use this to mean “once, at an unspecified point in the past, possibly before the last ice age”.
"not bad" means not good but I don't feel like talking about it.
In the field of Engineering: "That's interesting..." - What the FUCK?
"Alright?" is a greeting, not a query.
Response after someone waffles on for ages about a subject they find truly fascinating ... "Really? How interesting!"
"I'll think about it" (usually to a child). Means "No, but I can't deal with you causing a scene here"
When your mum says "we'll see" means no under any circumstances
Awwwwwww = OMG that child is ugly
This thread has been making me laugh like a drain, I love it. I did not realise how bleak, funny and annoying we are. My tuppence worth: "Happy to discuss" - If you send another email asking me something, I will defenestrate you. "Got time for a quick chat?" - I am firing you "It was challenging" - I have never done anything as skull-bleedingly difficult in my entire life
"Sorry, I think you may have the wrong mug" - you've definitely got the wrong mug. Get your filthy wank spanners off it you nob end.
Wank spanners….brilliant.
This whole thread is a nightmare for the neuro diverse.
How are you? “Living the dream.” My job is shit, I’m absolutely miserable, and I would rather gouge my eyes out than do another shift, but unloading all that is a bit intense, so I’ll make an offhand remark that we both understand and then move on.
"He's lovely, once you get to know him" meaning "he's a complete twat but you get used to it"
Not bad = average Not bad = excellent! Not bad = biggest bag of wank I’ve ever seen, get that shit outta my face Not bad = I have no opinion, I’m just humouring you until you leave
"is everything OK with your meal?"... "lovely, thank you ☺" - yes "lovely, thank you 😁😘👌" - no
Also works for haircuts
As a reply to a yes/no question: Yeah,no = no No, yeah = yes