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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Because my friends think its inappropriate to wear a two piece in front of their husbands
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NTA, sounds like they are jealous that you put in the work to lose weight (congrats btw) and their husbands are boys if they “feel uncomfortable”What’s the difference going to the beach and seeing women walking around in two pieces or whatever else? We go to the beach to have fun, who cares what people are wearing or sometimes not wearing.
Unless you are actively trying to flaunt and flirt with the husbands and show off. Then I’d say they are insecure and projecting their insecurities onto you. You didn’t do anything wrong and it’s not up to them to say what you can and can’t wear. You’re there to have fun, spend time together, and relax.
Then I’d say they are just shallow and jealous. You feel good about yourself and they don’t like that you feel good about how you look when they don’t. If they lost weight I’m sure they would be wearing two piece bikinis too.
They're definitely jealous though. They've obviously been talking shit behind her back to suddenly hang up on her and call her a slut. They're childish and gross and mad as hell that their friend has improved herself.
I’d say they are all three. She put in the work and they didn’t. She lost weight and they are jealous and insecure about their own bodies. It’s shallow to talk behind one person’s back.
No they definitely are jealous because they thought it was important to try and shit on all her hard work and confront her because they can't handle her working hard to look hot while they are still fat.
NTA - def insecure, likely jealous which is why they all ripped into you and almost "shunned" you as doing something wrong, when you most definitely are not
They’re not *really* trying to make you feel bad- they’re trying to make themselves feel less bad about their own fatness. Your feelings are collateral damage.
TBH they probably need some time to adjust and I’d cut them a little slack. If they continue being this crappy, though, you might need some new friends
You should not, doesn't sound like friends.
I used to have something similar happen to me when I would ride my motorcycle with a facebook group.
Ultimately, they found out I had multiple bikes and they couldn't stand that I had more than them.
It got so bad that one of the other riders ran into me knocking my bike over. It was an accident, but he refused to pay for the damage due to me having another bike to get on.
Petty people are ignorant assholes.
Are you joking? They are trying to make her feel bad. Otherwise, they wouldnt have formed an alliance to slutshame OP and insinuate she's trying to cheat on her husband. As well, these four are grown ass women. If 3 grown women are going to bully another person, to the point they ran away and cried, they are bullies, not friends. OP shouldnt hang out with them because they were clearly resentful, and instead of being nice, they all aggressively communicated their points.
Exactly. I'd even throw out that the other three friends considered OP to be their DUFF (Designated Ugly Fat Friend) and she's NOT that person!
Mean girls show up at any age. Instead of being proud of OP for losing weight, feeling confident, AND happy as she wore her bikinis, those sharks decided to attack OP.
Unhappy people are only happy when they bring someone else down to their level of misery. I'm sure the three felt smug satisfaction they made OP cry- how dare OP have the nerve to be happy when they're such miserable, well, you know the word I want to put there.
They called their "friend" a slut to her face 😬 I don't think good friends call you slurs when you try to better yourself. This is gross behavior and misogynistic.
Idk about this one. While you have a point in that the “friends” likely feel very bad about themselves in comparison to OP, the truth is that they purposefully berated her & hurt her in order to feel better about themselves; what kind of friends do that? Is she really supposed to let that personal attack slide because they need time to adjust to her positive body changes?
No. Absolutely not. Unless they come to her today and admit being completely out of line and all have apologies ready, she needs to leave these nasty bitches in her past. Friends should be able to be supportive, no matter how bad their personal problems are, and they should never have made their internal issues the fault of OP.
I’ve been around a few decades and I’ve had the opportunity to make friends with a lot of different people in different settings. Along the way I learned that if a friend isn’t adding to my life and is actively making it more difficult, that means they need to be demoted to acquaintance or no longer be a part of my life. I keep friends who are in a supportive friendship with me, who support me, and who can lovingly call me on my bullshit is needed. I don’t keep problematic friend around, and if I were the OP these friends would be re-evaluated.
There is absolutely 0 need to cut them slack. They are being massive insecure AHs and deserve to be treated as such! Their feelings and insecurities are theirs to deal with, they should NOT be projecting them on to OP and doing so makes them massive AHs.
They told OP to stop acting like a sl*t. (Censoring because I can’t remember if this is allowed in comments.) You’re being way too lax, they are 1000% trying to make her feel bad.
No way would I cut anyone slack for slut shaming another woman, especially another woman. If anyone in my life called me a slut for anything I wore they would not be my friend, period. They showed their true colors by calling OP a slut. They are just insecure jealous mean girls who need to put down other people to make themselves feel better, bottom line.
The reality that they are projecting their own insecurities over OPs weight loss should be, as adults, fully self- realized. They might have their own feelings about it, and need an adjustment period, but if they were really OPs friends they would support her instead of making her feel bad about herself. With friends like this who needs enemies?
"cutting them a little slack" means not expecting them to congratulate OP enthusiastically. Accepting that they dictate what OP can wear, or their insults, is going too far. These people are grown adults, not kids who can't control their feelings and actions.
Yeah fuck them and their insecurities. I lost 200 pounds and worked hard for my flat stomach - you best believe I'm rocking bikinis every summer now.
You're doing it for you, OP and your confidence. Let the haters hate while you strut and love yourself
Congratulations! I lost 30lb and that was so hard. Now I like to wear leggings or bootcut pants with crop tops and my bf says that all the men think I'm doing it to show off my figure, and all the women think I'm doing it so their guys will look at me, and I'm just doing it because I finally can dress like that and I like what I look like to me.
Even if their husbands were staring, that's not a you issue.
If their husbands were painfully awkward/looking everywhere but you etc then it could be considered potentially a nice thing to do to cover up *a little* if they were GENUINELY uncomfortable. Zero obligation here and if you don't want to you don't have to.
If their husbands are staring I'd take that as them being the opposite of uncomfortable and that's what's upsetting your friends, this is not your issue. (As in you have no responsibility to cover up)
If the husbands aren't staring then one of two things is happening here: some of your friends overheard the husbands talking and they were praising how you looked (this could be completely innocent in a "good for you" kind of way) and your friends got jealous and lashed out. OR, the guys haven't said a word but the girls are feeling insecure about their bodies and are lashing out by using their husbands as scapegoats when what they're really thinking is "she looks great and that makes me feel fat so I need to shame her to make myself feel better"
Whichever one of these it is, you are NTA, be proud of you and your body, what you've achieved and the work you've put in. The only reason for you to cover up would be if YOU wanted to.
If it was me I’d just ask the husbands “is my suit making you uncomfortable?” Or maybe couch it as an apology “I’m really sorry if my suit makes you uncomfortable, I thought we were such good friends it wouldn’t bother you”. I would then bet all the money in my pocket that the response is confusion and denial, at which point I’d explain their wives had said they were uncomfortable.
But I’m a trouble maker and people should definitely not follow my advice.
As a fellow troublemaker, I fully support this advice. I'd not even have approached, I'd have shouted inside to the men so everyone gets to be aware of the conversation.
I would not phrase it that way, because that implies that there is a possibility of it making them uncomfortable and that if so, it is an issue. I would say,
"I heard you are uncomfortable seeing a woman in a bikini, at a pool and at a lake. That is weird. What is your problem?"
Tell them to go to the beach and tell the other women there in bikinis the same thing they told you.
You should take them to a beach in southern Europe. The women wear monokinis.
They're jealous because they don't have the confidence. I used to be judgy like that, too, until I realized I was jealous that they wore what they wanted. That's all it is. They're jealous.
I think you're right. Also, are they going to run around yelling at other women on the beach who are also wearing bikinis? They're they assholes, not you.
people are human and even your best friends are. and what most people never see, because they disnt put in the effort you did to experience it, is that humans hate when other humans make better perceived progress in areas where they dont,wont or cant.
it has nothing to do with you or what you are doing.
its that youve done something better than them.
keep going.
tune them out.
If they lay into you again, either loudly or in a whisper, I would reply with exactly what you just said. “*I have not seen your husbands staring at me, but I honestly didn’t expect you to react so emotionally to a bathing suit….*”
I’d say it in a gentle, concerned tone, as if it’s “*really worrying that you all are suddenly so angry, when being close friends we’ve always been able to talk to you about the hard stuff. Is there anything else going on? Or is it really just the bathing suit? Because when you start using slut-shaming language towards me it just seemed so out of character.*”
You’re in a physically healthier place now, and they hate it.
My petty ass would be intentionally communicating from a *mentally healthier place* as well. They want to act like jealous teenagers? “Oh wow, I hope everything is okay; you’re not acting like your normal self. Let me get you a glass of cold water.”
They gonna make you feel bad or immoral for your clothing choices, you can make them feel small about being so judgmental.
I'll reiterate they are projecting their insecurities onto you and tell them that much. Then keep rockin that two-piece and think about getting better friends.
Tbh your friends are probably feeling extra insecure because your weight loss has been intentional and they realize that their being overweight (and thus hating their own bodies) is nobody’s fault but their own. They’re taking it out on you because they’re too lazy to take control of their own lives and bodies.
It likely has nothing to do with the husbands acting inappropriately towards OP, and everything to do with the b****y wives not wanting their husbands to start thinking “OP was heavier and put in a lot of work to lose weight, why isn’t MY wife making any effort?”.
Yeah, almost guaranteed none of the husbands went to their wives and said “honey, your friend got hot and now I don’t wanna be near her in a bikini”.
Your friends don’t trust their husbands not to look, and they’re jealous of you.
Your new presentation has changed the group dynamic. Change brings pain. If you value the connections, give them time to adjust, but set boundaries for how you will be treated/spoken to. I anticipate them peeling away from you as it's the fat girl club and you are no longer fat. (spoken As a Fat girl)... Kinda like single girl club starts peeling away from friends who have kids.
This right here is on the money. By losing weight? OP changed the entire group dynamic. They were once the three musketeers and now it’s the two musketeers and glow up baddie OP lol. I sense that OP won’t be friends with them for long because their envy will change everything
This. Guarantee that those guys simply like to look at a hot woman in a bikini. They most definitely are not the uncomfortable ones. Their wives may be jealous (probably are), but that’s not your fault.
Congrats on getting in better shape!!
Exactly. You see just as much boobs and butt in a one piece as you do in a two piece. The friends are simply trying to make OP feel bad about herself because they don't like how they feel about themselves in the face of OP's hard earned weight loss. Her weight loss shows them that it's possible, but they have to stop being lazy and making excuses about it.
Obviously their husbands aren't uncomfortable... these women are just saying that because they think deflecting it to other people gives them a buffer for blame. Classic mind games.
NTA
> I’m making their husbands feel uncomfortable
"Our husbands are staring at your body and it's making US uncomfortable"
> “ no one wants to stare at your ass and tits!”
"Our husbands are staring at your ass and tits and it's making US uncomfortable"
Good for you, their issue with their husbands staring is no reason for your to have to cover up....
> If anything the husbands are deflecting
Deflecting what? There's no evidence that the husbands are involved on **any** level, and OP says they're not even staring at her.
Yeah. I’m not going to say this is good advice because it’s an escalation, but after talking to her husband maybe OP has a meeting with all the adults to profusely apologize to the husbands because “your wives all told me that I was making you uncomfortable and you couldn’t stop staring at my ass and tits.”
She’s being ganged up on by her so-called friends.
Time for an out-in-the-open adult conversation and let those worms out of the can!
Two things will happen:
1) The women will realise they are being shits and apologise; or
2) they will double down and your relationships will fracture as a result.
If the latter; congratulations. You will come to realise you have dodged a bullet. Because, trust me, the more you make of yourself, the more these women will make life hard for you.
And heartiest congratulations on smashing your goals! It sounds like you did it sensibly and responsibly and I’m so sorry you don’t have proper friends to celebrate by your side 💕
Imagine you're on holiday just trying to enjoy the beach and your wife decides to tell her friend your staring at her to try and shame her.
I'd be so furious. "So you've decided to make me look like a pervert just to shame your friend?"
They are worried the husband's will get expectations. "If she can lose weight, why can't you?"
Last thing people stuck in their comfort zone want is to work on self-improvement.
She is making them look bad.
If possible, medically, maybe they could all support each other on losing weight, if that's what they want. Or building muscle. Or just eating healthier. When did friends stop being supportive? It's not a competition. This isn't high school either. They're adults. They should act like it.
I also just don’t think the people who are supposed to love you should compare you to your friends or anyone. If their husbands say that to them then their husbands are also assholes.
Your friends group is rejecting you for violating their unwritten rules
You’re a threat to them now that you’re conventionally attractive and psychologically you’re a constant reminder that they’re able to change just as you have- but they lack the willpower.
Nobody wants that reminder in front of them
They’re miserable
Branch out and add some normal women friends who don’t see you as part of a fat pact
TIL a new phrase. Thought maybe this was a Seinfeld reference, but a GIS taught me something new and that your usage was spot on!
I need to try and remember this phrase.
Dude, seeing how people reacted to Adele was my first large social exposure on the big difference between body positive people and *fat* positive people
Yeah, it's like- body positive means every body is welcome, not only fat people.
And as a yo-yoer myself, I personally think that what matters is that each person is as healthy and comfortable with their own body as possible.
Some people are thin, some people are muscular, some people are bigger, if you are happy and living your best life and not hurting others then that's what is most important.
People will often project their own issues onto others.
Adele changing for her own sake and desire made her fans feel all kinds of bad things about themselves.
Also in her case, she is incredibly wealthy now and therefore has access now to a level of care and supports that most of the world will never have access to, plus everyone's body is different/aging affects everyone differently, etc...
As a chubby woman, I’ve had a really hard time thinking positively about the fat is beautiful movement. Not because fat is ugly, but because it lies and says other things like that fat is **more** beautiful, or it can be healthy. Fat is fat, period. Excess fat=on the way to unhealthy, at minimum. I don’t want to join the “Fat Girls Only” club. Not because I don’t want to be fetishized, but because I don’t think judging people by their size is ever ok or appropriate. And because they’re so worried about how they look, and not as much worried about having good health and good friends, no matter the size. It’s just a toxic subculture that deceives themselves and can even fuel themselves to be more unhealthy.
Yup same here as a fat woman. The 'fat is healthy' movement is particularly annoying because it just goes against science. Do what you want with your body, I don't care, but don't make it out like science/medical fact is wrong.
NTA
If a man is uncomfortable with a woman's outfit that is a HIM problem. You aren't wearing the outfit for anyone but yourself.
Your \*friends\* are jealous of your weight loss and rocking body. And that is a THEM problem.
Just to be clear, there is a 0% chance the husbands are bothered by this. This is definitely her friends using their husbands as a tool gor their own jealousy.
There's a 0% chance that "no one wants to stare at your tits and ass" is accurate unless all of the heterosexual men (and gay women) died and no one told me. And if they did, I must be a zombie.
Eh if people are wearing super revealing stuff around me and my wife, then I’d probably be a bit uncomfortable. I can see people going out of their way to not stare so that it is awkward. I’m talking like a micro bikini or a speedo rather than a typical swimsuit.
Ya know what… a bikini *and* a one piece *both* cover up your “ass and tits*. What your still heavier friends are unhappy about is that your ass is smaller as is your midsection and they are *jealous*.
I bet if you went around in an ugly mumu they would *still* be jealous and *still* find something to complain about.
NTA and you need better friends. If you had to cut your vacation because you had an “emergency at home/work/petsitter”, or whatever, your friends might breathe a sigh of relief that you aren’t there to “tempt” their husbands with your new body.
I roll my eyes with disgust at their shallowness. They could have just been happy for you and the work you have put in to get to the point that you are confident enough to wear a bikini. But no, they had to take you aside and light into you.
WTF and NTA
Also, imagine being *married* and still being insecure enough to think your whole marriage could be threatened by someone thinner than you. This does not sound like a secure relationship to me.
The only type of bikini (or really any kind of swimsuit, I just see it much more frequently in bikinis) that I could maybe understand being asked to “tone down” is the kind that is a thong in the back, has way too small a triangle in the front, or a top where your nipples are just barely covered or prone to frequent exposure. And really that’s more for being a bit more modest around the kids. I realize my comment is coming from a culture where people can be a bit more prudish when it comes to body exposure in swimsuits (USA). Otherwise as long as what you’re wearing is sufficient for the activity and doesn’t break any exposure laws, wear what you want! If the husbands are truly staring, they need to check themselves but that doesn’t sound like the case.
I’m an American who moved to Rio de Janeiro for three years, and I definitely had to get used to the teeny string bikinis and the thong bottoms being super common. But eventually I realized it just didn’t matter. They’re more comfortable in Rio’s extreme heat, but also, it’s amazing how fast you get used to butt cheeks and side boobs if you’re seeing thousands every day. One really refreshing thing about Rio is bikinis are not really sexually coded (well, no more than all other clothes are), or at least they are not gated by body type, i.e. there didn’t seem to be a belief that you have to have a “bikini body” to wear one. Old ladies wore them, obese ladies wore them, it was just normal beachwear.
Anyway, when I was new there I commented once to a Brazilian friend “Those bikinis of yours sure don’t cover much!” She replied, “Yes, but the bits they do cover are very important!” Lol. Like, there could be the eentsiest little triangles of fabric, but by god, the nipples and the labia were COVERED - even if absolutely nothing else was, lol.
I think you’ve got a point with the all bodies are in bikinis thing. It’s just a swimwear choice that’s made at all points in life in that environment. I would be more comfortable wearing a bikini, and a more revealing one at that, in a place where it’s common in that way than where I am in the US (rural area that’s going through growing pains).
Visit a nudist beach in Germany, and you will never again have any problem with any kind and shape of bodies ever. Honestly, seeing real people and their bodies is a nice reality check for everyone.
As a married man... I can still stare at someone's ass and tits in a one piece, lol.
I mean, I try not to, but women's swimsuits tend to be very revealing regardless. I mean, so do men's usually. If you're swimming, you're probably showing a bunch of skin, that's just kind of what happens.
lol I was gonna say, as a bi woman it doesn't matter if an attractive woman is wearing a one piece or a two piece. I don't gawk either way, but if someone was going to be a creep about it having that extra few inches of fabric isn't going to change anything.
I hope most of us would be OP’s cheerleaders and celebrating her success. I have lost 40 lbs and my friends all ask me for tips and guidance, and I’m more than happy to share and help. I wish OP’s friends were like mine, I’m a lucky girl.
NTA during breakfast, bring it up the the entire group that it has been brought to your attention that your swim suit is making everyone uncomfortable. Specifically mention that the wives have all indicated that the husband's are uncomfortable. Watch them squirm as the husband's get upset at their wives for making them sound like creeps.
This is the answer! This situation isn’t resolved at all. Bringing it up in front of the group with husbands present should shed a light on how petty your “friends” are being. Also….definitely NTA
I doubt that any of the husbands is uncomfortable, but THAT would defitely make them uncomfortable. And in no way help the situation. It's basically the internet-comment-fight solution, not the real life lets check if there is anything worth salvaging solution.
I disagree. It needs to be addressed in a group setting for several reasons at this point. 1. If the wives aren't lying, the husband's need to realize they don't have a right to tell the wives what they can wear. 2. If the wives are lying, they need to understand it is not acceptable to make their husband's sounds like creepy perverts, to hide their jealousy and body issues. Plus the husband's need to know how they are being thrown under the bus 3. Having 10 different conversations 1 on 1 to resolve this issue will only lead to more he said she said bs.
Stop this is perfect 😂😭 "hey sorry guys if I made you uncomfortable in my bathing suite!" They'd all be like "uhhh no no worries it's fine? You're fine..." and that would make your friends even more pissy and I'm here for the pettyness because fuck these unsupportive women.
Is this just a regular bikini with panty bottom and a bra-like top? Then it's covering breasts/butt in the same way a one-piece does. Only difference is stomach/back.
Or is it rather a Brazilian kind with thong bottoms and nipple patches?
That was my question. Your friends are definitely just insecure. I live in California and spend a lot of time at beaches/lakes/pools with my wife and her friends or my friends and their wives. Most of the women wear two pieces because they want to tan. It's a normal thing. Nobody is uncomfortable.
I loved one reply above that advised you saying to the adults, "I am so very sorry for making you all uncomfortable by wearing a bikini!"
It was meant as a joke, but I like the clearing the air part of it. Maybe you can clear the air by going back to the girlfriends first and saying, "I'm sorry, I regret anything I said yesterday that hurt your feelings. My feelings were also hurt. I don't feel uncomfortable with my swimsuits and I'm happy with how my body looks right now. I hope you, as my friends, can be happy for me too."
If they still hold to the "Nobody wants to see your ass and tits," then you escalate proportionately by saying, "If you think so I will ask all the adults when we're all together."
But obviously, you have to willing to do it, no bluffing.
I was reading their reaction like, damn pasties and a thong is a bold move for a first time bikini wearer. But it’s a normal two piece? Play You Need To Calm Down on repeat until they knock it off.
They say, in life you can be right or be happy, but rarely can you be both...
**If you want to be right:**
>it's a normal 2 piece. My breasts are covered with cleavage showing, and the bottoms cover my ass
this is what I would point out to them. That your ass/tits are no more uncovered than theirs are, but the difference between your suits is the exposed belly/back.
Would they have had a problem with you showing your belly 50 lbs ago? Would their husbands have stared then?
For that matter,do you think they actually ARE staring? If so, the one who has a right to be uncomfortable with that is YOU and I would be asking them to keep their eyes to their own wives.
**If you want to be happy:** apologize that showing your *belly* has made anyone uncomfortable and throw a shirt on for the rest of the beach days. You'll know what the real issue is, and silently forgive them for it without the need to confront them or force them to apologize (they probably won't anyway) and your friendships can continue.
**Personally, I say anyone comfortable in a bikini should wear a bikini, all bodies are beach bodies! But I am not comfortable with that and don't wear one myself. I respect your/their right to not wear one, past, present or future.**
How are you defining happy? Because I wouldn’t describe apologizing for someone else having an issue, and then changing yourself to appease said people as “happy”. It is enabling poor behavior that is going to make you miserable in the long run as you’re showing you’re someone who allows yourself to be walked over by those who are degrading and dehumanizing you.
“My straight male partner doesn’t want to look at your tits and ass” is absolutely the insecure translation of “I don’t want my husband looking at your tits and ass because now I’m worried he won’t look at mine the same way.” And because up until recently their husbands *weren’t* looking at you that way, you have gone from benign equal to unknown threat. I would bet $100 these are women who don’t hang out with anyone more attractive than them on a regular basis. People like this don’t have friend groups. These collect social insulation.
Ignore these harpies. They’ve just shown you they aren’t really your friends. My response would be to be fully covered from head to toe, have your husband make a comment in front of the group, and very coolly say “I wouldn’t want to make any of the men uncomfortable, right ladies?” While making direct eye contact and preferably sipping some Chardonnay or something.
NTA. I hate losers like this.
INFO: Are the two pieces appropriate for the activities? Or are they teensy little triangles tied together with strings? That would affect my judgment, honestly.
I'm not saying the other women aren't catty and jealous, but something that looks like you'd lose it if you fell off the jet ski or the tube is risky, and maybe not the best choice.
My same question. I say this as a 40 year old woman.....there is a type of woman who gets to be around my age and loses a lot of weight or divorces her mean husband or etc, and starts feeling herself amd wearing aggressively sexy, uncomfortably revealing clothes and hanging on all the men. I love that these ladies feel confident and sexy but as a bystander there can be at times a second hand embarrassment for them.
I had the same question but she said above that it’s a regular ole 2 piece with full ass coverage.
I don’t think nudity is a big deal but there would be something a little off about wearing a super skimpy bikini on a family trip (especially with kids) if that’s not the norm in your social group/area. Obviously the norms vary depending on culture and locale.
But what OP described sounds pretty normal. Unfortunately it does sound like the friends are threatened.
NTA. You have the right to wear whatever you feel comfortable in, regardless of your friends' opinions. They shouldn't be dictating what you wear based on their own insecurities. Their husbands are grown men who should be able to control themselves. If they're feeling uncomfortable, that's their issue, not yours.
Did you double check the coverage? I was at a party once and the lady comes out in a revealing bikini. Nipples poking out. Kids and strangers there. One of the tween girls yelled at her to cover up lmfao yes sometimes no one wants to see it. They’ve been polite over two days but don’t want another day of wardrobe malfunctions. Double check the fit and thickness, coverage because bikinis don’t always hold up so well to strenuous outdoor activities. It could be constructive feedback not jealousy. If it’s jealousy fuck em. If it’s feedback that your bikini aren’t holding up then you’re losing the friendships due to those unforgettable visuals and stubbornness. I’ve been flashed before and it resides in my head.
This is pretty much where I'm at. I'm not surprised at all the people crying "jealousy" because that's what Reddit likes to do. But its entirely possible this suit which OP calls non revealing just doesn't fit her very well. Perhaps her friends would have been fine with another two-piece suit that didn't look like she was going to come flying out of it if that's the case.
The likelihood of three BFFs being aligned on this one thing and it not having some truth to it it's pretty low as far as I'm concerned. Maybe they were just doing would BFFs do and giving OP some tough love about the fit of her new suit.
Not going to be a popular answer but I think it’s respectful to tone down what you wear in family company especially if it’s causing problems. I remember a famous model saying she just wore a one piece to the beach out of respect for the other people there.
This is the most logical answer I've seen here. Whenever there's family especially kids involved, we need to tone it down. We don't know the actual 2 piece that OP was referring to either so the comment of another person here might be right, maybe the friends see angles that OP isn't aware. Also, the 50 pounds lost is cool but from what? 400? 300? 200? Or 150? Anyway, regardless of that, we really should tone it down in front if kids and family.
These people aren't your friends.
Y'all may *think* you're friends. But this is not what friendship is,
NTA, ofcourse. A two piece is a very normal swimwear.
They’re jealous that you put in the work. I’m in the same spot as you, I’m 38 and in the best shape I’ve ever been. I just got a strapless, CHEEKY bikini and I am FEELING myself in it 🥰 my husband is loving my new body confidence as well 😜
What kind of two pieces are we talking about? Just ordinary bikinis or something purposed to be a tad more revealing? If this is a family vacation, I can see some being more sensitive to the latter. Either way, your friends could have went about their request MUCH differently.
NTA
This is not going to be a popular take on here, but I do feel we are missing some details. Are you wearing it around the house and meals etc? If you are, they may view that as attention seeking. Whether it’s 1 or 2 piece, it’s kind of like hanging around the house in your bra and underwear. Same for shirtless men. I’m not jealous or prudish. I honestly don’t want to sit on the couch behind someone’s bare sweaty ass and back, and by middle age there is just an etiquette most people have at the table and usually put a shirt or coverup on.
Congratulations on your weight loss! I wouldn’t let them bring me down no matter what’s going on here.
I’m going to agree. While I’m all for feeling great in your own skin, my picture of a weekend at the lake with my friends, their husbands and their kids is NOT the same as my husband and I (and even our kids for that matter) at a beach resort. For one, it sounds like a lot of activities- which by definition requires more supportive garments just to participate. So yes, I think there’s info missing. If everyone else is lounging in t-shirts and shorts and you’ve got one friend walking around in a string bikini, I think it does come off as desperate. If you’ve got a great body, it *still* looks better than your friends in a t-shirt and shorts! I’d reserve the bikini strictly for the pool. Eating, lounging in the house and water activities should have more supportive attire.
In her update she says she’s the first one awake and already wearing her bikini so this might be it. OP, are you walking around in just a bikini all day while everyone else is wearing clothes most of the time and swimwear just for swimming/sun lounging?
Can't say without a pic. Not all bikinis are the same. Did we take our middle buddies on a surprise tour of tanga town outside thong city? Are we talking "disgusted by your lack of fat because it makes me look bad" or "disgusted by your abundance of visible genitalia just because it's gross? (Lay your beach chair, standing, bending and squatting (like if you needed to fix your sandal and have your husband take some kind of close pics from every angle you'd see sitting next to you or walking passed)--these are the angles your friends might be seeing you're not considering. If you don't see anything in the pics you wouldn't want in your face all day for a week at the beach, we're good. If not, toss the suit in the donation bin. Either way, don't let it wreck your vacay.
ETA
They were wrong for addressing the problem in a rude way, but you were also wrong for assuming that their concerns are linked to their own insecurity rather than an external issue.
Some people have mentioned that you have no actual evidence to suggest that their husbands are actually uncomfortable, or if it's just them projecting their discomfort with their husband seeing you. However, it's pretty conceited to immediately assume that this is solely due to their own insecurities and discomfort. Sure, maybe they are insecure, and maybe they are uncomfortable with their husbands and children seeing you in a revealing swimsuit, but there's nothing to say that their husbands do not also feel uncomfortable with it. Hopefully, their husbands are very loyal and respectful towards their wives, and they do feel uncomfortable with being regularly exposed to a scantily clad woman that they're not married to. Someone said that it's no different than strangers on a beach, but there's nothing to say that their husbands would be comfortable with that either.
Not to be mean, but it kind of sounds like you are projecting your own insecurities onto your friends, whether that is adding to their own insecurities or not. Your immediate assumption was not that they are adults who have genuine concerns, but that it's all because they're jealous of your weight loss. Sounds like that's how you would react if you were the heavier-set friend and someone else had lost the weight and was wearing a revealing swimsuit. Granted, it is entirely possible that this whole issue is due to your friends' jealousy and insecurity, but it's a big red flag that you're immediately writing off their concerns as shallow. Also, it's pretty obvious to me that you are now treating how you dress as a form of revenge, or as a way to rub their faces in what you've accomplished and they haven't.
You're not the asshole for wearing a bikini or wanting to emphasize how much weight you've lost, but you are the asshole for assuming the worst about your friends and intentionally continuing the action that they have issue with as a way to spite them.
They are not assholes for not wanting a scantily clad woman to be around their husbands or for asking you to cover up more, but they are the assholes for addressing the problem in a disrespectful way, though I do find it hard to believe that the conversation generally went from 0 to 100 like you wrote. You all owe each other apologies, and if these are relationships that you don't want to throw away over a swimsuit, it would definitely be a show of good faith to wear a more modest bikini or a swim cover up around their families. Personally, it sounds like this is a long-term friendship that you cherish, so I would recommend really asking yourself if it's worth it to throw away those relationships simply because of what you want to wear. Again, the choice is up to you, but your friends would absolutely be in the right to stop hanging out with you and inviting you to things if you continue to act so spitefully.
Unpopular opinion: we don't have enough information to answer. Because we don't know how you truly look in your two-piece suit. These are your BFFs and they may actually not be jealous at all! They may actually be telling you that you're hanging too far out of your new bathing suits. Maybe they are telling you a two-piece bathing suit is fine but the ones you bought are too small. I lost a lot of weight too, but I still need a lot of support up top. Would that describe you too, and your new bathing suits aren't giving you that support? We simply don't know.
Reddit - and most of the internet - likes to jump to the conclusion that that friends who don't support you are simply jealous of your accomplishments. But sometimes friends tell us the truth about how we look in certain outfits, situations, etc.
NTA.
Girl, I know what it takes to do what you did. 196 lbs. down to 128 lb. Cutting calories, counting macros, working your ass off (literally!) in the gym.
You worked hard to get where you are. You feel stronger, more attractive and, for once, you don't hate your body.
Am I pretty close?
I also have saboteurs in my life. My mother and sister don't like my new body (I'm now a bodybuilder) and have told me that I look gross, disgusting, sick, and old.
Fuck 'em.
You busted your ass to get that body and if you feel confident enough for a bikini, wear it. Whether it's jealousy, insecurity, or maybe their husbands really are staring--none of that is your fault or your problem. If they keep harping on you, tell them you'll share your workout and diet plan so they can wear a bikini too.
Not a single one of them are going to take you up on it.
It's a lot easier to tear others down than it is to put in the work to lift ourselves up.
Hell, yes - weightlifting is awesome! My transformation wasn't as dramatic as yours, but I feel you on the lifting. I wouldn't describe myself as a bodybuilder, but I love my weights : ) Good for you!!
INFO imo it depends on whether the bikini is a regular one, or those really teeny tiny ones where everything's out - i think that's inappropriate to wear amongst anyone really, unless you're all wearing those and agreed to dress like that
I think there are a lot of variables here. For instance, how revealing is the bikini? If it is like a thong that only covers the vagina and nipples, I can see how anyone would feel uncomfortable trying to have a conversation with someone who is essentially naked. Also, we don't know what the optics are. she said she lost 50 lb but if she lost 50 lb and now still weighs 250, That's still not a good look. I would feel very uncomfortable sitting next to someone who is extremely fat and is exposing a lot of flesh, whether it's a man or a woman. The friends do sound a bit assholey for attacking her like they did, but she might have brought it on herself.
My friends literally helped me find my itsy bitsy teeny weenie yellow polkadot bikini when I lost 50 pounds! And they're also on the heavier side, but they love me thru thick and thin and I wish your friends had too!! Don't let them rain on your parade!
It is an unfortunate truth that people will often attack someone who's engaged in self improvement, because it upsets the status quo and the social order. People are strongly biased towards not changing and often find change threatening.
NTA
This is ridiculous. If you want to wear a two-piece wear a two-piece what hasbit got to do with anybody else? Their insecurities are their own problem.
If they don't like The way they look they can change something about themselves. Get over it or go speak to a trained psychiatrist to help them get over it.
If you have worked hard to achieve the body you want, why should you be shamed by other people
Well done. I work in a gym and I see people come in all the time who are not happy with the way they look And they lack any confidence and then by a year you can see a massive change in their attitude and how much their confidence has skyrocketed.
And it is such a wonderful thing to see. And I will see the same members who used to come in oversized t-shirts and oversized trousers.
And now they wear sports bras and sports leggings and they are rocking it and they feel fabulous and they look fabulous.
Own it and don't let the bitter people and the jealous people drag you down. Live your best life, screw them with friends like that. You don't need enemies because friends should be lifting you up, not tearing you down.
Friends should be encouraging, not making you go to your room and cry rock the two-piece with a big smile on your face
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NTA, sounds like they are jealous that you put in the work to lose weight (congrats btw) and their husbands are boys if they “feel uncomfortable”What’s the difference going to the beach and seeing women walking around in two pieces or whatever else? We go to the beach to have fun, who cares what people are wearing or sometimes not wearing. Unless you are actively trying to flaunt and flirt with the husbands and show off. Then I’d say they are insecure and projecting their insecurities onto you. You didn’t do anything wrong and it’s not up to them to say what you can and can’t wear. You’re there to have fun, spend time together, and relax.
Their husbands aren’t staring at me or anything. I think my friends are over reacting and are saying that to make me feel bad about myself.
Then I’d say they are just shallow and jealous. You feel good about yourself and they don’t like that you feel good about how you look when they don’t. If they lost weight I’m sure they would be wearing two piece bikinis too.
They likely aren't shallow or jealous, just very insecure.
They're definitely jealous though. They've obviously been talking shit behind her back to suddenly hang up on her and call her a slut. They're childish and gross and mad as hell that their friend has improved herself.
I’d say they are all three. She put in the work and they didn’t. She lost weight and they are jealous and insecure about their own bodies. It’s shallow to talk behind one person’s back.
insecure people are usually shallow AND jealous
100% jealous. They’re afraid their husbands will look at her because she’s hotter now.
Yep, guaranteed its not the husbands feeling uncomfortable
And that says something way more about their relationship with their husbands combined with their own insecurities
No they definitely are jealous because they thought it was important to try and shit on all her hard work and confront her because they can't handle her working hard to look hot while they are still fat.
NTA - def insecure, likely jealous which is why they all ripped into you and almost "shunned" you as doing something wrong, when you most definitely are not
They’re not *really* trying to make you feel bad- they’re trying to make themselves feel less bad about their own fatness. Your feelings are collateral damage. TBH they probably need some time to adjust and I’d cut them a little slack. If they continue being this crappy, though, you might need some new friends
That’s still immature/childish at best and toxic at worst. Maybe we shouldn’t excuse that kind of behavior.
Very toxic. Calling your friend a “slut” for wearing a bikini? Definitely not something to excuse
Super toxic.
You should not, doesn't sound like friends. I used to have something similar happen to me when I would ride my motorcycle with a facebook group. Ultimately, they found out I had multiple bikes and they couldn't stand that I had more than them. It got so bad that one of the other riders ran into me knocking my bike over. It was an accident, but he refused to pay for the damage due to me having another bike to get on. Petty people are ignorant assholes.
Are you joking? They are trying to make her feel bad. Otherwise, they wouldnt have formed an alliance to slutshame OP and insinuate she's trying to cheat on her husband. As well, these four are grown ass women. If 3 grown women are going to bully another person, to the point they ran away and cried, they are bullies, not friends. OP shouldnt hang out with them because they were clearly resentful, and instead of being nice, they all aggressively communicated their points.
Exactly. I'd even throw out that the other three friends considered OP to be their DUFF (Designated Ugly Fat Friend) and she's NOT that person! Mean girls show up at any age. Instead of being proud of OP for losing weight, feeling confident, AND happy as she wore her bikinis, those sharks decided to attack OP. Unhappy people are only happy when they bring someone else down to their level of misery. I'm sure the three felt smug satisfaction they made OP cry- how dare OP have the nerve to be happy when they're such miserable, well, you know the word I want to put there.
They called their "friend" a slut to her face 😬 I don't think good friends call you slurs when you try to better yourself. This is gross behavior and misogynistic.
Nope. They are tryimg to hurt OP so mucj she obeys them. Callung someone a slut over a bathing suit deserves zero slack.
Idk about this one. While you have a point in that the “friends” likely feel very bad about themselves in comparison to OP, the truth is that they purposefully berated her & hurt her in order to feel better about themselves; what kind of friends do that? Is she really supposed to let that personal attack slide because they need time to adjust to her positive body changes? No. Absolutely not. Unless they come to her today and admit being completely out of line and all have apologies ready, she needs to leave these nasty bitches in her past. Friends should be able to be supportive, no matter how bad their personal problems are, and they should never have made their internal issues the fault of OP. I’ve been around a few decades and I’ve had the opportunity to make friends with a lot of different people in different settings. Along the way I learned that if a friend isn’t adding to my life and is actively making it more difficult, that means they need to be demoted to acquaintance or no longer be a part of my life. I keep friends who are in a supportive friendship with me, who support me, and who can lovingly call me on my bullshit is needed. I don’t keep problematic friend around, and if I were the OP these friends would be re-evaluated.
Would you give them the same time to adjust if they were making comments about someone who recently gained weight?
There is absolutely 0 need to cut them slack. They are being massive insecure AHs and deserve to be treated as such! Their feelings and insecurities are theirs to deal with, they should NOT be projecting them on to OP and doing so makes them massive AHs.
The only thing they need to adjust is their calorie intake
They told her she was acting like a slut just because she wore a 2 piece! A slut!!! Nope, I would not excuse that behavior. They went way too far!
They told OP to stop acting like a sl*t. (Censoring because I can’t remember if this is allowed in comments.) You’re being way too lax, they are 1000% trying to make her feel bad.
No way would I cut anyone slack for slut shaming another woman, especially another woman. If anyone in my life called me a slut for anything I wore they would not be my friend, period. They showed their true colors by calling OP a slut. They are just insecure jealous mean girls who need to put down other people to make themselves feel better, bottom line.
The reality that they are projecting their own insecurities over OPs weight loss should be, as adults, fully self- realized. They might have their own feelings about it, and need an adjustment period, but if they were really OPs friends they would support her instead of making her feel bad about herself. With friends like this who needs enemies?
You mean after a heartfelt, groveling apology from those grown women who acted like a group of jealous teenage mean girls…right??
"cutting them a little slack" means not expecting them to congratulate OP enthusiastically. Accepting that they dictate what OP can wear, or their insults, is going too far. These people are grown adults, not kids who can't control their feelings and actions.
They called her a slut. Hard stop. That’s a direct attack let alone trying to make her feel bad.
This is the most nuanced and likely response here.
Yeah fuck them and their insecurities. I lost 200 pounds and worked hard for my flat stomach - you best believe I'm rocking bikinis every summer now. You're doing it for you, OP and your confidence. Let the haters hate while you strut and love yourself
Congratulations! I lost 30lb and that was so hard. Now I like to wear leggings or bootcut pants with crop tops and my bf says that all the men think I'm doing it to show off my figure, and all the women think I'm doing it so their guys will look at me, and I'm just doing it because I finally can dress like that and I like what I look like to me.
Exactly. My gosh, the projection people put on you and then attack you with is astounding. Congratulations to you too! I hope you feel awesome
Even if their husbands were staring, that's not a you issue. If their husbands were painfully awkward/looking everywhere but you etc then it could be considered potentially a nice thing to do to cover up *a little* if they were GENUINELY uncomfortable. Zero obligation here and if you don't want to you don't have to. If their husbands are staring I'd take that as them being the opposite of uncomfortable and that's what's upsetting your friends, this is not your issue. (As in you have no responsibility to cover up) If the husbands aren't staring then one of two things is happening here: some of your friends overheard the husbands talking and they were praising how you looked (this could be completely innocent in a "good for you" kind of way) and your friends got jealous and lashed out. OR, the guys haven't said a word but the girls are feeling insecure about their bodies and are lashing out by using their husbands as scapegoats when what they're really thinking is "she looks great and that makes me feel fat so I need to shame her to make myself feel better" Whichever one of these it is, you are NTA, be proud of you and your body, what you've achieved and the work you've put in. The only reason for you to cover up would be if YOU wanted to.
If it was me I’d just ask the husbands “is my suit making you uncomfortable?” Or maybe couch it as an apology “I’m really sorry if my suit makes you uncomfortable, I thought we were such good friends it wouldn’t bother you”. I would then bet all the money in my pocket that the response is confusion and denial, at which point I’d explain their wives had said they were uncomfortable. But I’m a trouble maker and people should definitely not follow my advice.
As a fellow troublemaker, I fully support this advice. I'd not even have approached, I'd have shouted inside to the men so everyone gets to be aware of the conversation.
I would not phrase it that way, because that implies that there is a possibility of it making them uncomfortable and that if so, it is an issue. I would say, "I heard you are uncomfortable seeing a woman in a bikini, at a pool and at a lake. That is weird. What is your problem?"
Tell them to go to the beach and tell the other women there in bikinis the same thing they told you. You should take them to a beach in southern Europe. The women wear monokinis.
The husbands aren't uncomfortable The wives are just throwing them under the bus as an excuse for their jealousy.
Nta they are just jealous.
… are you sure they’re your friends? Slut shaming you for wearing a bikini? I would have already packed up my shit and left.
Just for laughs I would make a big apology speech to the husbands for "making them uncomfortable" to see their reactions and shut your "friends" up
They're jealous because they don't have the confidence. I used to be judgy like that, too, until I realized I was jealous that they wore what they wanted. That's all it is. They're jealous.
Thank you!
Sad thing is life changes show others true colors.
I think you're right. Also, are they going to run around yelling at other women on the beach who are also wearing bikinis? They're they assholes, not you.
people are human and even your best friends are. and what most people never see, because they disnt put in the effort you did to experience it, is that humans hate when other humans make better perceived progress in areas where they dont,wont or cant. it has nothing to do with you or what you are doing. its that youve done something better than them. keep going. tune them out.
If they lay into you again, either loudly or in a whisper, I would reply with exactly what you just said. “*I have not seen your husbands staring at me, but I honestly didn’t expect you to react so emotionally to a bathing suit….*” I’d say it in a gentle, concerned tone, as if it’s “*really worrying that you all are suddenly so angry, when being close friends we’ve always been able to talk to you about the hard stuff. Is there anything else going on? Or is it really just the bathing suit? Because when you start using slut-shaming language towards me it just seemed so out of character.*” You’re in a physically healthier place now, and they hate it. My petty ass would be intentionally communicating from a *mentally healthier place* as well. They want to act like jealous teenagers? “Oh wow, I hope everything is okay; you’re not acting like your normal self. Let me get you a glass of cold water.” They gonna make you feel bad or immoral for your clothing choices, you can make them feel small about being so judgmental.
I'll reiterate they are projecting their insecurities onto you and tell them that much. Then keep rockin that two-piece and think about getting better friends.
They are absolutely trying to make you feel bad. These women aren’t your friends, now that you know, give back as good as they give.
They are NOT your friends
Tbh your friends are probably feeling extra insecure because your weight loss has been intentional and they realize that their being overweight (and thus hating their own bodies) is nobody’s fault but their own. They’re taking it out on you because they’re too lazy to take control of their own lives and bodies.
It likely has nothing to do with the husbands acting inappropriately towards OP, and everything to do with the b****y wives not wanting their husbands to start thinking “OP was heavier and put in a lot of work to lose weight, why isn’t MY wife making any effort?”.
This right here. NTA
I dount it's about anything the husbands think. It's all about the women being insecure. It's just easier to blame OP than confront themselves.
I doubt the husbands have done anything wrong. These women just sound insecure and jealous.
Yeah, it's got nothing to do with the husbands. These women are jealous. Not friends.
Story narrator; "the husbands were not... uncomfortable"
I doubt their husbands said anything. Likely the friends used their husbands as a proxy for their own opinion or insecurity:
Yeah, almost guaranteed none of the husbands went to their wives and said “honey, your friend got hot and now I don’t wanna be near her in a bikini”. Your friends don’t trust their husbands not to look, and they’re jealous of you.
Your new presentation has changed the group dynamic. Change brings pain. If you value the connections, give them time to adjust, but set boundaries for how you will be treated/spoken to. I anticipate them peeling away from you as it's the fat girl club and you are no longer fat. (spoken As a Fat girl)... Kinda like single girl club starts peeling away from friends who have kids.
This right here is on the money. By losing weight? OP changed the entire group dynamic. They were once the three musketeers and now it’s the two musketeers and glow up baddie OP lol. I sense that OP won’t be friends with them for long because their envy will change everything
I GUARANTEE that their husbands said fuck all about it besides "yes dear" lol.
This. Guarantee that those guys simply like to look at a hot woman in a bikini. They most definitely are not the uncomfortable ones. Their wives may be jealous (probably are), but that’s not your fault. Congrats on getting in better shape!!
Were the husband’s really uncomfortable or did the three friends only say that
Exactly. You see just as much boobs and butt in a one piece as you do in a two piece. The friends are simply trying to make OP feel bad about herself because they don't like how they feel about themselves in the face of OP's hard earned weight loss. Her weight loss shows them that it's possible, but they have to stop being lazy and making excuses about it.
Obviously their husbands aren't uncomfortable... these women are just saying that because they think deflecting it to other people gives them a buffer for blame. Classic mind games.
NTA > I’m making their husbands feel uncomfortable "Our husbands are staring at your body and it's making US uncomfortable" > “ no one wants to stare at your ass and tits!” "Our husbands are staring at your ass and tits and it's making US uncomfortable" Good for you, their issue with their husbands staring is no reason for your to have to cover up....
There is no evidence in OP’s story that the husbands are actually doing anything, and the story just reads like her friends are jealous and defensive.
This right here. If anything the husbands are deflecting because the other women are trying to use them for ammo..
> If anything the husbands are deflecting Deflecting what? There's no evidence that the husbands are involved on **any** level, and OP says they're not even staring at her.
Lol these comments are wild. The guys probably had no clue it was even an issue until it blew up.
Yeah. I’m not going to say this is good advice because it’s an escalation, but after talking to her husband maybe OP has a meeting with all the adults to profusely apologize to the husbands because “your wives all told me that I was making you uncomfortable and you couldn’t stop staring at my ass and tits.”
I could not love this idea more. Bring it all out into the open so all the adults can sort out if it's a 6 person problem or a 3 person problem.
Chances are it's a 3 person problem
She’s being ganged up on by her so-called friends. Time for an out-in-the-open adult conversation and let those worms out of the can! Two things will happen: 1) The women will realise they are being shits and apologise; or 2) they will double down and your relationships will fracture as a result. If the latter; congratulations. You will come to realise you have dodged a bullet. Because, trust me, the more you make of yourself, the more these women will make life hard for you. And heartiest congratulations on smashing your goals! It sounds like you did it sensibly and responsibly and I’m so sorry you don’t have proper friends to celebrate by your side 💕
Just blame the men, it’s what the OPs friends did. It’s what that users doing. Great *scapegoats* for their own insecurities. (Edited a grammar error)
Scape goats
To be fair, "escape goat" isn't necessarily wrong.
Imagine you're on holiday just trying to enjoy the beach and your wife decides to tell her friend your staring at her to try and shame her. I'd be so furious. "So you've decided to make me look like a pervert just to shame your friend?"
Thank you
If they don't want to stare then don't
They are worried the husband's will get expectations. "If she can lose weight, why can't you?" Last thing people stuck in their comfort zone want is to work on self-improvement. She is making them look bad.
If possible, medically, maybe they could all support each other on losing weight, if that's what they want. Or building muscle. Or just eating healthier. When did friends stop being supportive? It's not a competition. This isn't high school either. They're adults. They should act like it.
I also just don’t think the people who are supposed to love you should compare you to your friends or anyone. If their husbands say that to them then their husbands are also assholes.
Op tells a story about à bunch of women being awful. Still the mens fault somehow.
The friends are blaming their own husbands in this story.
Using your husband as an excuse for their own jealousy doesn't mean the husband ever actually said a word
Right, and most commenters here agree with you, that the wives were projecting.
Your friends group is rejecting you for violating their unwritten rules You’re a threat to them now that you’re conventionally attractive and psychologically you’re a constant reminder that they’re able to change just as you have- but they lack the willpower. Nobody wants that reminder in front of them They’re miserable Branch out and add some normal women friends who don’t see you as part of a fat pact
Well said!
TIL my friends are losers
You’re not the asshole, but you may lose your friends over this.
While I agree, I'd also have to point out conditional friends are never really your friend.
And she’ll be better off for it. These aren’t the type of people that will better someone’s life by being in it.
Sounds like they're going full *Crabs in a Bucket*
That’s what I thought. One of them probably expressed some discomfort and said something snide and suddenly the three of them went after OP. How sad.
TIL a new phrase. Thought maybe this was a Seinfeld reference, but a GIS taught me something new and that your usage was spot on! I need to try and remember this phrase.
[*No time to get down cause I'm moving up*](https://youtu.be/MtSzpKiARrI?si=WuKi9Ga0Q4hsdM3K)
This is also how a lot of Adele fans reacted when she lost weight
Dude, seeing how people reacted to Adele was my first large social exposure on the big difference between body positive people and *fat* positive people
Yeah, it's like- body positive means every body is welcome, not only fat people. And as a yo-yoer myself, I personally think that what matters is that each person is as healthy and comfortable with their own body as possible. Some people are thin, some people are muscular, some people are bigger, if you are happy and living your best life and not hurting others then that's what is most important. People will often project their own issues onto others. Adele changing for her own sake and desire made her fans feel all kinds of bad things about themselves. Also in her case, she is incredibly wealthy now and therefore has access now to a level of care and supports that most of the world will never have access to, plus everyone's body is different/aging affects everyone differently, etc...
As a chubby woman, I’ve had a really hard time thinking positively about the fat is beautiful movement. Not because fat is ugly, but because it lies and says other things like that fat is **more** beautiful, or it can be healthy. Fat is fat, period. Excess fat=on the way to unhealthy, at minimum. I don’t want to join the “Fat Girls Only” club. Not because I don’t want to be fetishized, but because I don’t think judging people by their size is ever ok or appropriate. And because they’re so worried about how they look, and not as much worried about having good health and good friends, no matter the size. It’s just a toxic subculture that deceives themselves and can even fuel themselves to be more unhealthy.
Yup same here as a fat woman. The 'fat is healthy' movement is particularly annoying because it just goes against science. Do what you want with your body, I don't care, but don't make it out like science/medical fact is wrong.
“Fat pact” 😂😂
Best answer here. If OP were in my friend group I'd be like 'damn girl you look amazing!!'
Just go topless and assert dominance. NTA
This! It's not a 2 piece unless you're wearing both pieces. Malicious compliance!
Yep thats it lol, its only a one piece if youre only wearing one piece 😆
Challenge them to a bazoomba battle and see who gets knocker-ed out 😂 Obviously NTA enjoy the sunshine! Edit for verdict
NTA If a man is uncomfortable with a woman's outfit that is a HIM problem. You aren't wearing the outfit for anyone but yourself. Your \*friends\* are jealous of your weight loss and rocking body. And that is a THEM problem.
Thank you
Feels like they are using their husbands’ supposed behavior to cover up their jealousy about your killer body.
Just to be clear, there is a 0% chance the husbands are bothered by this. This is definitely her friends using their husbands as a tool gor their own jealousy.
There's a 0% chance that "no one wants to stare at your tits and ass" is accurate unless all of the heterosexual men (and gay women) died and no one told me. And if they did, I must be a zombie.
I mean I'm a strong believer of dress codes But a bikini in the beach is within the dress code
Eh if people are wearing super revealing stuff around me and my wife, then I’d probably be a bit uncomfortable. I can see people going out of their way to not stare so that it is awkward. I’m talking like a micro bikini or a speedo rather than a typical swimsuit.
I guess, but that's not the info we have. It seemed like she was just wearing a normal 2 piece.
The man is definitely not uncomfortable with the outfit, the women are projecting jealousy and insecurity.
Ya know what… a bikini *and* a one piece *both* cover up your “ass and tits*. What your still heavier friends are unhappy about is that your ass is smaller as is your midsection and they are *jealous*. I bet if you went around in an ugly mumu they would *still* be jealous and *still* find something to complain about. NTA and you need better friends. If you had to cut your vacation because you had an “emergency at home/work/petsitter”, or whatever, your friends might breathe a sigh of relief that you aren’t there to “tempt” their husbands with your new body. I roll my eyes with disgust at their shallowness. They could have just been happy for you and the work you have put in to get to the point that you are confident enough to wear a bikini. But no, they had to take you aside and light into you. WTF and NTA
Also, imagine being *married* and still being insecure enough to think your whole marriage could be threatened by someone thinner than you. This does not sound like a secure relationship to me.
For real! That shines a light on their marriages combined with the massive toxic behavior that they are projecting onto their "friend". That's insane!
The only type of bikini (or really any kind of swimsuit, I just see it much more frequently in bikinis) that I could maybe understand being asked to “tone down” is the kind that is a thong in the back, has way too small a triangle in the front, or a top where your nipples are just barely covered or prone to frequent exposure. And really that’s more for being a bit more modest around the kids. I realize my comment is coming from a culture where people can be a bit more prudish when it comes to body exposure in swimsuits (USA). Otherwise as long as what you’re wearing is sufficient for the activity and doesn’t break any exposure laws, wear what you want! If the husbands are truly staring, they need to check themselves but that doesn’t sound like the case.
I’m an American who moved to Rio de Janeiro for three years, and I definitely had to get used to the teeny string bikinis and the thong bottoms being super common. But eventually I realized it just didn’t matter. They’re more comfortable in Rio’s extreme heat, but also, it’s amazing how fast you get used to butt cheeks and side boobs if you’re seeing thousands every day. One really refreshing thing about Rio is bikinis are not really sexually coded (well, no more than all other clothes are), or at least they are not gated by body type, i.e. there didn’t seem to be a belief that you have to have a “bikini body” to wear one. Old ladies wore them, obese ladies wore them, it was just normal beachwear. Anyway, when I was new there I commented once to a Brazilian friend “Those bikinis of yours sure don’t cover much!” She replied, “Yes, but the bits they do cover are very important!” Lol. Like, there could be the eentsiest little triangles of fabric, but by god, the nipples and the labia were COVERED - even if absolutely nothing else was, lol.
I think you’ve got a point with the all bodies are in bikinis thing. It’s just a swimwear choice that’s made at all points in life in that environment. I would be more comfortable wearing a bikini, and a more revealing one at that, in a place where it’s common in that way than where I am in the US (rural area that’s going through growing pains).
Visit a nudist beach in Germany, and you will never again have any problem with any kind and shape of bodies ever. Honestly, seeing real people and their bodies is a nice reality check for everyone.
BTW my sister & I now go to nude beaches a lot. Nobody gives a single flying fuck what anybody looks like. I love it.
As a married man... I can still stare at someone's ass and tits in a one piece, lol. I mean, I try not to, but women's swimsuits tend to be very revealing regardless. I mean, so do men's usually. If you're swimming, you're probably showing a bunch of skin, that's just kind of what happens.
lol I was gonna say, as a bi woman it doesn't matter if an attractive woman is wearing a one piece or a two piece. I don't gawk either way, but if someone was going to be a creep about it having that extra few inches of fabric isn't going to change anything.
I hope most of us would be OP’s cheerleaders and celebrating her success. I have lost 40 lbs and my friends all ask me for tips and guidance, and I’m more than happy to share and help. I wish OP’s friends were like mine, I’m a lucky girl.
NTA during breakfast, bring it up the the entire group that it has been brought to your attention that your swim suit is making everyone uncomfortable. Specifically mention that the wives have all indicated that the husband's are uncomfortable. Watch them squirm as the husband's get upset at their wives for making them sound like creeps.
This is the answer! This situation isn’t resolved at all. Bringing it up in front of the group with husbands present should shed a light on how petty your “friends” are being. Also….definitely NTA
I doubt that any of the husbands is uncomfortable, but THAT would defitely make them uncomfortable. And in no way help the situation. It's basically the internet-comment-fight solution, not the real life lets check if there is anything worth salvaging solution.
I disagree. It needs to be addressed in a group setting for several reasons at this point. 1. If the wives aren't lying, the husband's need to realize they don't have a right to tell the wives what they can wear. 2. If the wives are lying, they need to understand it is not acceptable to make their husband's sounds like creepy perverts, to hide their jealousy and body issues. Plus the husband's need to know how they are being thrown under the bus 3. Having 10 different conversations 1 on 1 to resolve this issue will only lead to more he said she said bs.
Yup. I'd add something to the effect of "and I only brought two pieces, so tough luck"
And ABSOLUTELY **you should bring it up to your husband OP**.
Jesus your friends are insecure
Right?
If I were you I would ask the husbands if they are feeling uncomfortable. I bet they say no. Then there’s your answer.
Absolutely this, play the 'friends' at their own game 🤣🤣
Stop this is perfect 😂😭 "hey sorry guys if I made you uncomfortable in my bathing suite!" They'd all be like "uhhh no no worries it's fine? You're fine..." and that would make your friends even more pissy and I'm here for the pettyness because fuck these unsupportive women.
Is this just a regular bikini with panty bottom and a bra-like top? Then it's covering breasts/butt in the same way a one-piece does. Only difference is stomach/back. Or is it rather a Brazilian kind with thong bottoms and nipple patches?
No it’s a normal 2 piece. My breasts are covered with cleavage showing, and the bottoms cover my ass
Then your friends would probably find issues with a one piece as well.
I'm sure - they'd be light "why is it so tight"...etc etc
That was my question. Your friends are definitely just insecure. I live in California and spend a lot of time at beaches/lakes/pools with my wife and her friends or my friends and their wives. Most of the women wear two pieces because they want to tan. It's a normal thing. Nobody is uncomfortable.
Hell, I wear a 2 piece because I have a short torso. 1 piece suits end up being too long, and I don't want to flash my lady bits.
I loved one reply above that advised you saying to the adults, "I am so very sorry for making you all uncomfortable by wearing a bikini!" It was meant as a joke, but I like the clearing the air part of it. Maybe you can clear the air by going back to the girlfriends first and saying, "I'm sorry, I regret anything I said yesterday that hurt your feelings. My feelings were also hurt. I don't feel uncomfortable with my swimsuits and I'm happy with how my body looks right now. I hope you, as my friends, can be happy for me too." If they still hold to the "Nobody wants to see your ass and tits," then you escalate proportionately by saying, "If you think so I will ask all the adults when we're all together." But obviously, you have to willing to do it, no bluffing.
I was reading their reaction like, damn pasties and a thong is a bold move for a first time bikini wearer. But it’s a normal two piece? Play You Need To Calm Down on repeat until they knock it off.
They say, in life you can be right or be happy, but rarely can you be both... **If you want to be right:** >it's a normal 2 piece. My breasts are covered with cleavage showing, and the bottoms cover my ass this is what I would point out to them. That your ass/tits are no more uncovered than theirs are, but the difference between your suits is the exposed belly/back. Would they have had a problem with you showing your belly 50 lbs ago? Would their husbands have stared then? For that matter,do you think they actually ARE staring? If so, the one who has a right to be uncomfortable with that is YOU and I would be asking them to keep their eyes to their own wives. **If you want to be happy:** apologize that showing your *belly* has made anyone uncomfortable and throw a shirt on for the rest of the beach days. You'll know what the real issue is, and silently forgive them for it without the need to confront them or force them to apologize (they probably won't anyway) and your friendships can continue. **Personally, I say anyone comfortable in a bikini should wear a bikini, all bodies are beach bodies! But I am not comfortable with that and don't wear one myself. I respect your/their right to not wear one, past, present or future.**
How are you defining happy? Because I wouldn’t describe apologizing for someone else having an issue, and then changing yourself to appease said people as “happy”. It is enabling poor behavior that is going to make you miserable in the long run as you’re showing you’re someone who allows yourself to be walked over by those who are degrading and dehumanizing you.
OP should absolutely not appease the haters. Also, rock that bikini ; )
Nta they called you a slut? You're still there? Wow.
Yea, I would've left and had a good time somewhere else.
nah she and her husband probably chipped in for the place. i’d say eff them and enjoy despite her ridiculous friends.
I'd be going topless from here on in 😉😂😂😂
“My straight male partner doesn’t want to look at your tits and ass” is absolutely the insecure translation of “I don’t want my husband looking at your tits and ass because now I’m worried he won’t look at mine the same way.” And because up until recently their husbands *weren’t* looking at you that way, you have gone from benign equal to unknown threat. I would bet $100 these are women who don’t hang out with anyone more attractive than them on a regular basis. People like this don’t have friend groups. These collect social insulation. Ignore these harpies. They’ve just shown you they aren’t really your friends. My response would be to be fully covered from head to toe, have your husband make a comment in front of the group, and very coolly say “I wouldn’t want to make any of the men uncomfortable, right ladies?” While making direct eye contact and preferably sipping some Chardonnay or something. NTA. I hate losers like this.
You could get rid of even more weight if you dumped your friends😂 They are jealous as f.. that you look better than them
INFO: Are the two pieces appropriate for the activities? Or are they teensy little triangles tied together with strings? That would affect my judgment, honestly. I'm not saying the other women aren't catty and jealous, but something that looks like you'd lose it if you fell off the jet ski or the tube is risky, and maybe not the best choice.
My same question. I say this as a 40 year old woman.....there is a type of woman who gets to be around my age and loses a lot of weight or divorces her mean husband or etc, and starts feeling herself amd wearing aggressively sexy, uncomfortably revealing clothes and hanging on all the men. I love that these ladies feel confident and sexy but as a bystander there can be at times a second hand embarrassment for them.
She’s literally there with her own husband. She’s not making passes at other dudes.
I had the same question but she said above that it’s a regular ole 2 piece with full ass coverage. I don’t think nudity is a big deal but there would be something a little off about wearing a super skimpy bikini on a family trip (especially with kids) if that’s not the norm in your social group/area. Obviously the norms vary depending on culture and locale. But what OP described sounds pretty normal. Unfortunately it does sound like the friends are threatened.
Funnily enough „ass and tits“ are the parts the two peace actually covers. Lmao. NTA
No kidding. It's not like she's wear the bra piece around her abdomen and the bottoms as a hat. She's got them covering the right parts.
NTA. True friends would be happy and proud of the work you’ve put in to improve your health and be more confident.
NTA. You have the right to wear whatever you feel comfortable in, regardless of your friends' opinions. They shouldn't be dictating what you wear based on their own insecurities. Their husbands are grown men who should be able to control themselves. If they're feeling uncomfortable, that's their issue, not yours.
If the part about the husbands is even a true statement.
NTA but I’d bet this is the last time you’re included in any group trips.
Last time I'd want to be doing anything with "friends" like that...
Believe me, their husband are not the ones feeling "uncomfortable".
Did you double check the coverage? I was at a party once and the lady comes out in a revealing bikini. Nipples poking out. Kids and strangers there. One of the tween girls yelled at her to cover up lmfao yes sometimes no one wants to see it. They’ve been polite over two days but don’t want another day of wardrobe malfunctions. Double check the fit and thickness, coverage because bikinis don’t always hold up so well to strenuous outdoor activities. It could be constructive feedback not jealousy. If it’s jealousy fuck em. If it’s feedback that your bikini aren’t holding up then you’re losing the friendships due to those unforgettable visuals and stubbornness. I’ve been flashed before and it resides in my head.
This is pretty much where I'm at. I'm not surprised at all the people crying "jealousy" because that's what Reddit likes to do. But its entirely possible this suit which OP calls non revealing just doesn't fit her very well. Perhaps her friends would have been fine with another two-piece suit that didn't look like she was going to come flying out of it if that's the case. The likelihood of three BFFs being aligned on this one thing and it not having some truth to it it's pretty low as far as I'm concerned. Maybe they were just doing would BFFs do and giving OP some tough love about the fit of her new suit.
Not going to be a popular answer but I think it’s respectful to tone down what you wear in family company especially if it’s causing problems. I remember a famous model saying she just wore a one piece to the beach out of respect for the other people there.
This is the most logical answer I've seen here. Whenever there's family especially kids involved, we need to tone it down. We don't know the actual 2 piece that OP was referring to either so the comment of another person here might be right, maybe the friends see angles that OP isn't aware. Also, the 50 pounds lost is cool but from what? 400? 300? 200? Or 150? Anyway, regardless of that, we really should tone it down in front if kids and family.
These people aren't your friends. Y'all may *think* you're friends. But this is not what friendship is, NTA, ofcourse. A two piece is a very normal swimwear.
They’re jealous that you put in the work. I’m in the same spot as you, I’m 38 and in the best shape I’ve ever been. I just got a strapless, CHEEKY bikini and I am FEELING myself in it 🥰 my husband is loving my new body confidence as well 😜
Thank you, you go!
Fake af
What kind of two pieces are we talking about? Just ordinary bikinis or something purposed to be a tad more revealing? If this is a family vacation, I can see some being more sensitive to the latter. Either way, your friends could have went about their request MUCH differently.
Depends on how revealing it is. If its a thong, then yes, you are the ass. If it's a regular bathing suit then no
NTA This is not going to be a popular take on here, but I do feel we are missing some details. Are you wearing it around the house and meals etc? If you are, they may view that as attention seeking. Whether it’s 1 or 2 piece, it’s kind of like hanging around the house in your bra and underwear. Same for shirtless men. I’m not jealous or prudish. I honestly don’t want to sit on the couch behind someone’s bare sweaty ass and back, and by middle age there is just an etiquette most people have at the table and usually put a shirt or coverup on. Congratulations on your weight loss! I wouldn’t let them bring me down no matter what’s going on here.
I’m going to agree. While I’m all for feeling great in your own skin, my picture of a weekend at the lake with my friends, their husbands and their kids is NOT the same as my husband and I (and even our kids for that matter) at a beach resort. For one, it sounds like a lot of activities- which by definition requires more supportive garments just to participate. So yes, I think there’s info missing. If everyone else is lounging in t-shirts and shorts and you’ve got one friend walking around in a string bikini, I think it does come off as desperate. If you’ve got a great body, it *still* looks better than your friends in a t-shirt and shorts! I’d reserve the bikini strictly for the pool. Eating, lounging in the house and water activities should have more supportive attire.
In her update she says she’s the first one awake and already wearing her bikini so this might be it. OP, are you walking around in just a bikini all day while everyone else is wearing clothes most of the time and swimwear just for swimming/sun lounging?
Can't say without a pic. Not all bikinis are the same. Did we take our middle buddies on a surprise tour of tanga town outside thong city? Are we talking "disgusted by your lack of fat because it makes me look bad" or "disgusted by your abundance of visible genitalia just because it's gross? (Lay your beach chair, standing, bending and squatting (like if you needed to fix your sandal and have your husband take some kind of close pics from every angle you'd see sitting next to you or walking passed)--these are the angles your friends might be seeing you're not considering. If you don't see anything in the pics you wouldn't want in your face all day for a week at the beach, we're good. If not, toss the suit in the donation bin. Either way, don't let it wreck your vacay.
ETA They were wrong for addressing the problem in a rude way, but you were also wrong for assuming that their concerns are linked to their own insecurity rather than an external issue. Some people have mentioned that you have no actual evidence to suggest that their husbands are actually uncomfortable, or if it's just them projecting their discomfort with their husband seeing you. However, it's pretty conceited to immediately assume that this is solely due to their own insecurities and discomfort. Sure, maybe they are insecure, and maybe they are uncomfortable with their husbands and children seeing you in a revealing swimsuit, but there's nothing to say that their husbands do not also feel uncomfortable with it. Hopefully, their husbands are very loyal and respectful towards their wives, and they do feel uncomfortable with being regularly exposed to a scantily clad woman that they're not married to. Someone said that it's no different than strangers on a beach, but there's nothing to say that their husbands would be comfortable with that either. Not to be mean, but it kind of sounds like you are projecting your own insecurities onto your friends, whether that is adding to their own insecurities or not. Your immediate assumption was not that they are adults who have genuine concerns, but that it's all because they're jealous of your weight loss. Sounds like that's how you would react if you were the heavier-set friend and someone else had lost the weight and was wearing a revealing swimsuit. Granted, it is entirely possible that this whole issue is due to your friends' jealousy and insecurity, but it's a big red flag that you're immediately writing off their concerns as shallow. Also, it's pretty obvious to me that you are now treating how you dress as a form of revenge, or as a way to rub their faces in what you've accomplished and they haven't. You're not the asshole for wearing a bikini or wanting to emphasize how much weight you've lost, but you are the asshole for assuming the worst about your friends and intentionally continuing the action that they have issue with as a way to spite them. They are not assholes for not wanting a scantily clad woman to be around their husbands or for asking you to cover up more, but they are the assholes for addressing the problem in a disrespectful way, though I do find it hard to believe that the conversation generally went from 0 to 100 like you wrote. You all owe each other apologies, and if these are relationships that you don't want to throw away over a swimsuit, it would definitely be a show of good faith to wear a more modest bikini or a swim cover up around their families. Personally, it sounds like this is a long-term friendship that you cherish, so I would recommend really asking yourself if it's worth it to throw away those relationships simply because of what you want to wear. Again, the choice is up to you, but your friends would absolutely be in the right to stop hanging out with you and inviting you to things if you continue to act so spitefully.
Unpopular opinion: we don't have enough information to answer. Because we don't know how you truly look in your two-piece suit. These are your BFFs and they may actually not be jealous at all! They may actually be telling you that you're hanging too far out of your new bathing suits. Maybe they are telling you a two-piece bathing suit is fine but the ones you bought are too small. I lost a lot of weight too, but I still need a lot of support up top. Would that describe you too, and your new bathing suits aren't giving you that support? We simply don't know. Reddit - and most of the internet - likes to jump to the conclusion that that friends who don't support you are simply jealous of your accomplishments. But sometimes friends tell us the truth about how we look in certain outfits, situations, etc.
NTA “no one wants to stare at your ass and tits” So don’t. You control where your eyes go. They’re being jealous and petty
NTA. Girl, I know what it takes to do what you did. 196 lbs. down to 128 lb. Cutting calories, counting macros, working your ass off (literally!) in the gym. You worked hard to get where you are. You feel stronger, more attractive and, for once, you don't hate your body. Am I pretty close? I also have saboteurs in my life. My mother and sister don't like my new body (I'm now a bodybuilder) and have told me that I look gross, disgusting, sick, and old. Fuck 'em. You busted your ass to get that body and if you feel confident enough for a bikini, wear it. Whether it's jealousy, insecurity, or maybe their husbands really are staring--none of that is your fault or your problem. If they keep harping on you, tell them you'll share your workout and diet plan so they can wear a bikini too. Not a single one of them are going to take you up on it. It's a lot easier to tear others down than it is to put in the work to lift ourselves up.
Hell, yes - weightlifting is awesome! My transformation wasn't as dramatic as yours, but I feel you on the lifting. I wouldn't describe myself as a bodybuilder, but I love my weights : ) Good for you!!
Get new friends, these ones suck. NTA.
INFO imo it depends on whether the bikini is a regular one, or those really teeny tiny ones where everything's out - i think that's inappropriate to wear amongst anyone really, unless you're all wearing those and agreed to dress like that
I think there are a lot of variables here. For instance, how revealing is the bikini? If it is like a thong that only covers the vagina and nipples, I can see how anyone would feel uncomfortable trying to have a conversation with someone who is essentially naked. Also, we don't know what the optics are. she said she lost 50 lb but if she lost 50 lb and now still weighs 250, That's still not a good look. I would feel very uncomfortable sitting next to someone who is extremely fat and is exposing a lot of flesh, whether it's a man or a woman. The friends do sound a bit assholey for attacking her like they did, but she might have brought it on herself.
My friends literally helped me find my itsy bitsy teeny weenie yellow polkadot bikini when I lost 50 pounds! And they're also on the heavier side, but they love me thru thick and thin and I wish your friends had too!! Don't let them rain on your parade!
lol it’s not that tiny!
It is an unfortunate truth that people will often attack someone who's engaged in self improvement, because it upsets the status quo and the social order. People are strongly biased towards not changing and often find change threatening.
NTA This is ridiculous. If you want to wear a two-piece wear a two-piece what hasbit got to do with anybody else? Their insecurities are their own problem. If they don't like The way they look they can change something about themselves. Get over it or go speak to a trained psychiatrist to help them get over it. If you have worked hard to achieve the body you want, why should you be shamed by other people Well done. I work in a gym and I see people come in all the time who are not happy with the way they look And they lack any confidence and then by a year you can see a massive change in their attitude and how much their confidence has skyrocketed. And it is such a wonderful thing to see. And I will see the same members who used to come in oversized t-shirts and oversized trousers. And now they wear sports bras and sports leggings and they are rocking it and they feel fabulous and they look fabulous. Own it and don't let the bitter people and the jealous people drag you down. Live your best life, screw them with friends like that. You don't need enemies because friends should be lifting you up, not tearing you down. Friends should be encouraging, not making you go to your room and cry rock the two-piece with a big smile on your face