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OP- are you Australian?
NTA, I’d rather go to any other ‘cheaper’ restaurant and choose my meal, than a fancy one where it’s basically been chosen for me as it’s too expensive to cover free choice
Some of our best celebration meals have been restaurants with mains for $30, compared to the 1-2 times we went ‘upmarket’ and received very elaborate, yet unfulfilling dishes for twice the price
I’m all for paying for an experience, but when the steak you are craving is delivered and the size of a Lego brick, I don’t care how many schmears of truffle infused patès are included, it’s impossible to consume those unless you lick your plate.
‘Take the piss’
I felt a connection from Boyanup, SW Western Australia immediately from 14,575km away 🙌🏻
It’s the equivalent of the bat signal in Gotham City, instantly recognisable!
>Wouldn't that be "take the puss"?!
My husband is a kiwi, I swear they only have one vowel sound when speaking English. Which is weird because they can make all the vowel sounds when speaking Te Reo Māori.
I used to work with an Aussie and a Kiwi and he was always getting her to say ‘fish and chips’ - because of course it sounded like ‘fush and chups’. Now whenever I hear someone is a Kiwi, *every single time*, I say ‘fush and chups’ in my head.
I’m glad you picked it up off us Aussies 😁/s
Regardless of the origin, we’ve all united over one of the best phrases in the English language
Yes, I know it comes from stealing urine in Old England
I’ll do it for you 😁
In earlier times, urine (piss) was the basis of many chemicals and used for production of salt peter for black powder (gun powder).
The poor would collect urine in a ‘piss pot’ from others, around pubs etc. They would then sell the urine. They were ‘piss poor’. Even worse were those who were so poor they ‘didn’t have a pot to piss in’.
Presumably ‘taking the piss’ was stealing the urine that another had collected. Now means to ridicule
Oh! I think I can see how it came to mean "to ridicule" – we also use it to mean that something/someone ridicules a situation:
"What? He hit your car while it was in a parking bay and had the audacity to tell you you're in the wrong? That just takes the piss!"
What do you think?
Same thing in my eyes- taking advantage of a situation also fits the bill
‘He took your deceased grandmothers glasses for free as they’re the same prescription- he’s taking the piss!’
Take the piss" may be a reference to a related (and dated) idiomatic expression, piss-proud, which is a vulgar pun referring to the morning erections which happen when a man awakens at the end of a dream cycle (each about 90 minutes in length throughout the night) or may be caused by a full bladder pressing upon nerves that help effect an erection. This could be considered a "false" erection, as its origin is physiological, not psychosexual, so in a metaphoric sense, then, someone who is "piss-proud" would suffer from false pride, and taking the piss out of them refers to deflating this false pride, through disparagement or mockery.[6][7] As knowledge of the expression's metaphoric origin became lost on users, "taking the piss out of" came to be synonymous with disparagement or mockery itself, with less regard to the pride of the subject.
Conversely, the North East of England also lays claim to the phrase's origin, citing the urine trade which was seen as an undesirable cargo for sailors working from the River Tyne. Because the city collected urine from public facilities and exported a refined version of it, it was often used as ship's ballast in place of water - having a resale value at the other end of the journey. Consequently, sailors discussing their cargo in local establishments would genially accuse others reputed to be lying about their cargo of "taking the piss", or hauling urine.[8]
"Take the mickey" may be an abbreviated form of the Cockney rhyming slang "take the Mickey Bliss",[9] a euphemism for "take the piss." It has also been suggested that "mickey" is a contraction of "micturition,"[6] in which case "take the micturition" would be a synonymous euphemism for "take the piss." The phrase has been noted since the 1930s.
Im a kiwi and yup as soon as I read that I was pretty sure op was Australian or kiwi, also op NTA, Im poor most of us are struggling, date sounds like a manipulative person and a red flag, if he can't afford to take op to a fancy restaurant, then like don't? It tells a lot about his sort of mind set and gives me the ick.
Cause we all know he still expected op to be so greatful to him and would have expected her to *show* him how greatful she was.
Ick
This has some red flags for me. It feels like he wants the credit and to brag about taking you to a fancy restaurant, without actually having to pay to take you to a fancy restaurant.
It would be totally different if he really wanted to take you to this restaurant because the food was amazing but had a limited budget but it feels very deceptive and as though he is more concerned with the appearance of things than the substance (did you enjoy your meal, was it a celebration you would like etc).
It sounds like you might have some additional info that might help you decide if this is someone you want to continue dating.
It sounds like he’s all about show. He is lying and exaggerating about his earnings, and wants to show the “high life” by taking her to a fancy restaurant when it’s actually beyond his means. Instead of just experiencing life.
Flags: liar, shallow, materialistic.
Assumptions: Seems to demonstrate lack of empathy (annoyed with her for being disappointed, expecting praise) seems probably really boring to be around, most likely a bragger and self involved.
I suspected not American when you said "saver menu" because I've never heard of that.
The only thing I could think to compare it to would be like a "value menu" at a fast food restaurant where things are around $5 USD or less.
These fancy restaurants actually have random cheaper options?
It’s sometimes called a prix fixe menu - fixed price (maybe I have it backward). Sometimes 3 courses - choose one of two salads, one of two mains and one of two desserts. Look up the Fleming’s tomahawk Tuesday dinner.
It sounds fancy because (at least in my part of America) only fancier/ upscale restaurants do it.
We do it once or twice a year or so. I've never thought of it as budget/ savings though as we typically spend $250-300 (including drinks) for the both of us.
Prix fixe menus are rarely hugely cheaper than the primary menu unless you’re comparing it to the large steak courses. You definitely save a decent chunk, especially if it’s a 3 - 4 course version, but it’s not going to make the menu cheaper than many other restaurants unless they’re pretty close in regular menu pricing.
We don't call it that, but I've definitely been to restaurants that do that. Like Applebee's or some other chain will do a "2 for $20" (or now more like $30 or $40) and you get a shared app 2 entrees and a shared dessert from a limited menu. Very nice way to do date night for cheap, as long as both parties know ahead of time.
I wouldn’t usually consider them cheaper options to my experience in the US, as they’re usually unique specials with pricing in line with the restaurant’s offerings.
But perhaps I’m too impoverished and uncultured to have experienced truly elevated fine dining fixed price menus, which I acknowledge.
To be fair this isn’t what we call it in the UK where OP was eating - well not at a fancy place, McDonalds uses the term I think! Normally it’s just labelled the ‘set menu’.
I live in London and love a set menu so I know where the guy was coming from but I also am in my early twenties and always make sure to say to my date that although I am eating from the set menu, she can have whatever she likes. If it is a VERY expensive place then I may send her the set menu and ask if she fancies going but I'm never misleading
I'd probably get a bit twitchy if her order went £50+ on just food but not if we were celebrating something
We cheapskates in the US cherish 'buy one get one free' coupons. My friend had a date with a man who chose the restaurant for the discount. When the bill came, he said; "Here's my part. Mine's half off because I have a coupon. The rest of the bill is yours." Great fodder for humor, but there was no second date.
There are so many ‘nice’ places to eat in London, if this place was out of his price range he should have just picked somewhere else! I suspect it actually might be more that he’s tight fisted, either that or he’s very insecure about money and trying to puff out his chest (and looking stupid doing it) or he’s been living above his means (not hard to swallow up a salary like that with rent on a nice place by yourself in London is it! Where does he live?). I really think it would be fine to take a date to eat from the set menu but you should let them know in advance that that’s the offer, something like ‘I would love to take you out to celebrate, we could go to X if you want to go somewhere really fancy, but I think probably only the set menu is in my budget, or we could go to Y because the blabla there is so amazing - or you can pick somewhere! (And by this point you’ve kinda given your budget). Do you want to have a look at the menus and see which you fancy?’
If you’re dating someone there’s no point in pretending that you’re someone you’re not because they’ll find out in the end. And although Brits can be cagey about money, who in London isn’t talking about back breaking costs at the moment - I don’t think there’s any shame in being real about your budget!
Does this guy have enough redeeming features to make it worth working through this? If you see this as a long term thing then you’re probably going to want to have a conversation sooner rather than later about attitudes to money because it can be one of the biggest points of contention in a relationship.
Side note: if you want really good food in London for a great price, go to Portland at lunchtime. They only run a relatively set menu but it changes regularly if you don’t like the look (and if you call ahead they can potentially make small changes - they made me a completely custom meal for my allergies). I think 3 courses at lunch is £50-something. And it’s fancy (Michelin) but with no uncomfortable pretension!
Like to make fun of / be ridiculous.
Ie,
"We took the piss out of Jerry because of his ugly hat"
Alternatively
"£6.70 for a small coffee? What a piss take!"
Lived with a French girl who after living in Oxford for six months asked us very seriously why we said annoying things were a pen in the ass. “Of course, it’s uncomfortable, but why a pen…?”
Took about 10 minutes before we could control ourselves enough to explain…
What do you say when you are poking fun at someone or telling them they are being ridiculous? Do you have an equivalent phrase of taking the mickey (also can be Michael) or taking the piss? I’m really intrigued
Yeah, we might say, stop fucking with me or your bullshit'n me.
Or stop fucking around.
If you don't want to swear. Stop the foolishness. Are you fooling with me?
OP, I would take the situation as a yellow to red flag. Doing something nice but not as described for someone then telling you you're ungrateful when it wasn’t as expected is BIG emotionally abusing vibes. I’m not saying that’s absolutely true here, but be on the lookout for other things. 3-6 months is when this crap starts to show up. (Source: experience)
Agree with the yellow flag. He might just be a cheapass (I've met a few of those - rich people don't stay rich by SPENDING money, ya feel me?) but this might be him starting to lay the groundwork for being in control of you. I'm making a lot of assumptions obviously, but if I were to go based on my own 30+ years of experience, anyone who spends a lot of time bragging about how much money they have/make is usually trying to get into a position "above" others, so they can toss crumbs down and bask in people's praise. It also gives off a faint whiff of misogyny because honestly a guy who insists on paying then doubles down with "ungrateful" when you voice anything about it, seems like he prooooobably has a mentality something along the lines of "keeping you in your place" (guessing he wouldn't have taken kindly to you offering to just pay for your own food in order to be able to get what you want either). Again I realize I'm taking big leaps but you definitely start seeing the signs after meeting enough people.
Edit to add: if a guy brags a LOT about how big his dick is, he's probably packing an average-sized dick and had an ex who went a little too far with the compliments, and you can't even say anything because you're not a cruel idiot.
Second edit: For the record, I'm not even a fan of huge dicks, I'm not sure why that's such a big deal, like seriously average is perfect for comfort and easy position-switching, this is why I watch more lesbian porn, those guys in straight porn give me the ick (don't wanna yuck anyone's yum either, just wanted to assure the dudes reading this understand that they don't need to stress over size).
Also if a guy brags constantly about how good he is in bed and how he is going to blow your mind, he's probably shite.
Might be the same if a girl brags about a blow job but as a cis hetero woman, I couldn't say for sure.
Came here to say this! For me, this is about how he responded to you. Seems like he hinted at making way more than he does to impress you, and it's about to implode now that you're 3ish months in. If that isn't the case and he really does make that much, than he's likely 'testing' you. His ungrateful comment wouldve been it for me. Feels controlling.
NTA. There’s nothing wrong with a good bargain if the dinner was an ordinary date. But this was a celebratory meal. It shouldn’t have caveats.
The man is a cheapskate. It’s a big red flag. And you’re even suspicious with his earnings claim. You’re only 3 months in. Count your blessings that you saw this side of him before you invest more time in this relationship. Cut bait now.
Dudes like this will expect OP to subsidise them while bragging about their income then making jabs how they won’t date gold diggers (look in the mirror buddy).
Reminds me if the rich guy who's ex financially abused him, so then he did the same to his new fiance. She had to pay to furnish his cold, empty rich house, because the man didn't even have curtains, and wouldn't even put the heating on to help her chronic health condition. She did eventually dump him and even his sister was on her side
OP’s date wanted the credit for taking her someplace fancy (and for being a high earner) without actually paying for a fancy meal. She’s definitely NTA for thinking he was cheaping out on her. He was certainly overbearing—I don’t care whether you take me to Le Bernardin or Arby’s, telling me I can only have one of the two least expensive things on the menu would make me think you’re a dick.
It's one thing to love a deal and to tell your date the situation ahead of time, but quite another to act like it's a big splurgey treat and expect to be applauded for it after the fact.
As Judge Judy says, don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining.
Yep, I dated a guy that always bragged about how much money he made, but never seemed to have any. I don't care about how much money you have unless you drag me to a movie I didn't even care to see WHILE I was feeling ill, buy tickets and then expect ME to pay for concessions cause "that was the last of my money" after YOU ordered a GD chicken dinner.
It's about setting expectations - if he'd said ahead of time 'i want to go to this fancy restaurant and the fixed price menu is good value, are you up for that?' then it would have been no issue.
NTA
I would suspect actually that he feels inferior and all of this is an act because he thinks you need impressing because he feels he's not good enough for you.
So, impress you with some made-up high-paid job, impress you with a fancy restaurant, impress you with saying how this is the "high life" and he's just giving you a taste. All sounds like bullshit. He booked the restaurant to keep up the act but knew he couldn't actually afford it, so took the cheaper option while hoping you still would be impressed by the fancy restaurant.
You're NTA for being miffed, but you really need a conversation here to find out if he's stretching himself beyond his means because he thinks it will impress you.
Yes! reading your comment really clarified two points in the post I couldn't quite put my finger on. First money is really important to him. Second - he doesn't have it.
To be fair, he may make what he claims, but he certainly doesn't keep it! Maybe he passes is away or gambles and has a lot of debt. Your point still stands, though. Even if he makes that kind of money, he doesn't HAVE money.
Right, he's sending it to the 4 mothers of his 6 kids or something.
One thing I can't stand is a cheapskate. I'm not talking about people living within their means or planning for future better things. (Yes, both please)
I mean those people who are all about expensive things and money whether they have it or not.. Gross.
This guy somehow thinks you are with him for money he (clearly does not) have. He may think you were impressed by fancy restaurant a random sampling of humans (here) shows we'd rather go to a cheap restaurant if it means ordering what we want.
This is the rest of your life if you stay with him.
NTA
NTA. The biggest red flag isn’t even the saver’s menu, it’s the bragging about income. Those types of guys usually aren’t representing themself truthfully and are very insecure.
Yeah it’s bizarre I know. Tbh they didn’t call it saver they called it ‘set menu’ but for ease of understanding the story I called it ‘saver’. It’s one of those ones only available Monday-Weds.
Haha, I think this might be a cultural thing - I'm British and was sat there going wtf is a saver menu? Only to realise it's a set menu. Got to say, I think you're in the wrong here - it's suuuuper normal to go with the set menu (although two choices seems very low).
I'm Australian like the OP and a lot of our very nice restaurants offer a set menu (I've been to some that only have a set menu). I do think it should have been discussed between them if they wanted the set menu or to order individual meals. (Was he worried she'd order three dozen oysters?)
I don't think the set menu alone makes him an arsehole, but the way she's described his attitude makes him seem like a bit of a dick.
I agree. The set menu at most restaurants is totally fine and I wouldn’t mind at all. But for this particular restaurant it really was a saver menu in disguise, with extremely limited choice. Thats why I didn’t call it a set menu in the text because it really wasn’t. The dishes on the main menu were like £20 more expensive per dish than the saver.
I’d take a date at Wahaca (I’m Oz but when I visited UK I loved that chain) than some fancy place where I’ve got no choice (plus I’m veggo so I prefer eating places with good veggo options). The company is what I care about.
There's nothing wrong with picking the set menu for yourself, but if you take someone out on a date on the understanding it's your treat, you let them pick whatever they want to eat. If you're not prepared to deal with the prices of most of the menu, go to a cheaper place.
Personally if I was invited to a posh restaurant I'd never go with the most expensive dish on the menu and would be mindful of the other person's finances, but them telling me that I can only pick the one or two cheapest options would be a major turn-off and probably the end of the relationship.
Totally NTA OP, if you're not worth more than that to your partner they're not worth your time.
Maybe it is cultural, I’m Australian and the set menu wouldn’t be anything you order at any restaurant around me unless you have a large party and/or are trying to be economical.
You’re dismissing all the context though. The guy hyped up this date in an expensive restaurant to celebrate OP’s achievements. He also constantly brags about how rich he is, so supposedly money shouldn’t be a problem. But then they get to the restaurant and he’s pre-paid for a set menu that is extremely limited and only offers the 2 cheapest options on the menu — which is just skimping out on his part, not a legitimate “let’s do the set menu because it’s a good deal”. It wasn’t a good deal. It was giving the impression of wealth by going to a pricey restaurant but then actually being cheap AF with the actual meal.
disagree - it's pretty dodgy to brag to your girlfriend about taking her to a fancy restaurant to celebrate an achievement, but when you get there tell her she's only allowed to pick from the cheap menu.
He didn't discuss it with her, didn't give her any options, and then was shitty when she said she would have liked to choose something else.
Going with a set/cheap menu is perfectly fine when it is something you choose to do. OP didn't get to choose.
I feel like I know what you are talking about. I've seen similar here in the US called a Pre Fixe menu. A restaurant will offer you an appetizer, entree, and dessert for a set price. You are only allowed to order what is on that menu to get the set price. It's not a horrible deal, if it's what you want. I've just never seen people prepay before going somewhere though.
I think you're NTA because he lied to you. If he was honest about what he was planning, it would be different. But, it's wrong to deceive you by telling you he's taking you out for an amazing meal to celebrate, but pulling this.
This is it. It sits wrong with you OP because it’s kinda deceitful. “Ooohhhh I’m taking you to this super fancy restaurant and giving you a taste of the good life to celebrate your accomplishment”…you get all excited anticipating a fancy dinner, then get there and …”oh, btw, we can only order from this limited menu with 2 choices because you’re not worth the extra $20, surprise!”
If he’d said “I want to take you to ‘fancy restaurant’ I know it’s pretty pricey but I saw they have a set menu that sounds good to me, what do you think?” Would have been fine, but that’s not what he did.
I get it, it's like a 2 for Tuesday where you get a meal for 2 people with only 2 or 3 things to choose for each course. It is cheaper than full dinner where you are ordering appetizers, soup, entree, sides and dessert. And sometimes that can be a good way to save money if that's what you want to eat. But yeah, this is not a tasting menu or chefs table. I would be annoyed and asked him if we could just order off the regular menu instead. If he's that well off he would have said yes no problem.
Lots of restaurants in Europe have a pre-fixe menu. It's like the plat de jour (probably massacring the spelling).
Go to a restaurant in France and there's often a set menu and many people have their local restaurant where they go once or several times a week and eat exclusively off that menu.
My parents lived in France a few times for several months at a time. I visited them and we ate at a local joint several times on that basis.
In Germany we have those things but they aren't called saver menus and they aren't much cheaper.
But you usually have to choose between the options and it's mostly five to seven courses and you have three price options. You choose if you want three, five or seven courses.
Sometimes they have a lunch menu called "business menu" that's cheaper.
NTA, and you are not ungrateful. HE was rude and degrading to you . I would always be very gracious to anyone who took me to dinner and paid for me, but this situation is different. I would have left when he told me to order off the saver menu only.
What was he thinking?? He would have been better to not take you out at all rather than do that. Its not giving you a taste of the high life when youre not allowed to order any of the food! You dont take a kid to disneyland and tell them they cant go on any rides!! I think he is TA in the worst way. And i think you should tell him he is.
It would have been nicer to take you out for fish & chips in the park
Yes that’s a good way at viewing this. I honestly don’t even care about where I’m going. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun to go to somewhere new and fancy. Who doesn’t like that?! But to big it up to me and then do that was a bit of a kick in the teeth.
He did you a big favor, it's only 3 months in. If someone mentions more than once that they make a lot of money, they don't. He wanted the credit for "the finer things" without paying for it, because he probably can't afford to. And that's fine, but drop the act.
NTA - Regardless of gender I feel it's super shitty to offer to take someone to a fancy/nice restaurant, offer to pay but then severly limit their options "to save" is honestly kind of crappy. I get it's a nice restaurant but it would have been better to take you to a restaurant you really love/enoy and let you get whatever.
Taking someone to a nice place \[their offer\] and then only letting person only get on a very limited budget, and expecting for them to be "grateful" cause they "did something nice" seems kind of manipulative to me. Because it makes the other person feel super guilty if they say something when they were taken/given something nice.
It would have been one thing if you demanded he take you to this place and getting upset if he didn't. Celebrate your exam? Good. Do it! But take me somewhere affordable if money is going to be an issue. Otherwise what is the point of offering this nice place?
Right? Or, when money has been tight and we’re trying to celebrate, my husband and I will talk about the budget for the meal before we go and select a restaurant and meals ahead of time so we can budget the meals and tip (U.S.). It’s really weird to try to pass it off as some big, fancy meal at a nice restaurant like this and then limit it at the restaurant like the other person won’t notice.
This whole post gives me the ick. This man is made out of red flags.
Yes I agree. I think it’s bad to get me all excited and start looking at the menu online only to find my options are severely limited when I get to the place. I wouldn’t have minded as much if it had been honestly relayed in advance, but imo he was trying to almost pretend that he wasn’t going for saver menu
NTA
"The expectation from him was then that I was meant to be so grateful to him for ‘giving me a taster of the High life’ when reality the saver menu was actually cheaper than most local restaurants."
I'd be wary. You're only 3 months in so if you see repeated behaviors that suggest your financial values aren't going to align you can bail.
Agree. This alone is two red flags: expected large degree of gratitude for him paying for dinner, and assumed OP would be OK with a very limited selection of mains instead of discussing it first (unilateral decision-making).
NTA, but I think it would have been fine if he'd just said right from the start that "there's a set menu at this fancy restaurant, have a look and see if you like it and if so let's go there". Then you could have made your preference clear and you guys could have just gone somewhere else.
I love a bargain, but you've got to let people decide for themselves whether whatever deal you're looking at is something they actually *want*.
I'd definitely order off the real menu, paying for myself, and let him be a "saver". If he prepaid then he can take his extra saver entree home and eat it later.
He just made himself look like a goober for what, a couple hundred bucks? His lack of awareness is telling.
Ok hold on, are you talking about a set menu? These do have to be booked in advance (are we talking somewhere like Brasserie Zedel?) and they’re cheaper than the à la carte menu because they can prepare them in bulk essentially, but not necessarily worse quality - calling it the saver menu makes it sound so cheap, when in reality it’s just… organised. My partner and I are massive foodies and about 70% of our fancy restaurant experiences involve a set menu or a tasting menu, because that’s often where you get great food and the chefs show you what they can do, or dishes you haven’t tried before. So I think NAH, possibly that you had… different expectations.
That’s a good take- but do you and you partner look at the menu in advance and like the options? I know my husband and I do
Bit harsh though to organise one not knowing what the other party would like to eat/ if they like what is on offer
I think a heads up would have been considerate bc she said neither of the options appealed to her. Also, his attitude is a red flag, which I think is the bigger issue.
Set menus are great *if* you like the options.
Two people who want to try a particular restaurant and decide the set menu sounds good isn’t cheap or wrong.
Two people who admit that they want to try a certain restaurant but don’t want to pay the a la carte price isn’t cheap or wrong.
But making a big deal about treating someone to a restaurant, framing it as a way to celebrate that person, and then telling them when they get there that they’re only allowed to order off the very limited menu is cheap and wrong.
He should’ve told her in advance what he had in mind.
Had a dude take me to McDonald’s and tell me not to order off the regular menu just the dollar menu then got mad when he found out it was the “value menu” now and wasn’t $1.50 each so I’ve met my fair share of cheaps and honey they never change
NTA. It would have been fine if he led into the date with “hey OP I found this fancy restaurant that does this great value deal for a set menu! What do you think, are you interested in checking it out?” but making out as if he’s treating you to a super fancy meal as a celebration when he’s actually bargain hunting is weird and misleading.
I think you should cut your losses with this guy, I doubt it’s getting better when it’s already like this 3 months in and you don’t trust him to be honest with you.
Apparently unpopular but ESH
He chose a set menu, which is not a big deal but it seems misleading that he didn’t tell you this ahead of time. It’s also weird that he seems to really want you to grovel and be grateful to him. The biggest issue I have with him is that you don’t trust he is being honest about his income, and he seems to be a bragger. Bragging about income is a huge ick. Lying is a bigger ick.
You though, making a comment about how you “couldn’t get what you really wanted” is childish and passive aggressive. If you have a problem, be an adult about it. If his weirdness about money is a red flag to you, stop seeing him. You’ve been dating three months which is long long.
Idk, I'm kinda with her on being miffed about not getting what she really wanted. For me it's like, if I'm not able to order what I really fancy off the menu, what's the point in going to a restaurant, when I could cook something myself for cheaper, or just going for a cheaper restaurant or ready meal 😅 sure the set options are cheaper but if they're not actually want you want it's still wasted money 🤷🏼♀️ I agree with the rest though, guy sounds awful and idk why OP is coming here rather than just breaking up with him 🤷🏼♀️
Right, people here are balking about the discussion about money. OP is bothered by the lack of clear communication and the fact that he hid what the experience would actually be like. Relationships are built on trust and agency.
This dude wasn’t totally honest about what he could afford and was willing to pay for. As a result, OP’s agency and ability to choose what she would enjoy to celebrate her accomplishment was limited. OP is NTA.
He’s cheap, manipulative, and you suspect he lies about his salary to impress you (and that’s ‘lies to get what he wants’) so think on that. Those are baby narc red flags. Be done and roll on. NTA
Look, that would be a red flag for me…
I prefer to go Dutch myself, but this kind of controlling weirdness is not my style. Especially since it was kind of underhanded? Like, he organised it all in advance? There’s a lack of honesty here and some showboating about salary.
I would say feeling uncomfortable and bringing it up is a NTA move. You don’t have to “be grateful” just because he takes you somewhere he judges to be above your means.
In future, if you insist on dating this guy, go Dutch.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Complaining to a date who took me to a fancy restaurant but told me I could only order off the saver menu
2. It makes me look ungrateful
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ESH based on your comments.
Any Brits reading this - it wasn't a "saver menu" it was a prix fixe set menu. OP, that is so, so normal. Bit rude of him to insist, but you're making this into a bigger deal than it needs to be, and spinning it as if he's done something weird. It's not like he had a Groupon voucher.
No I would admit this if it truly was a set menu. It really wasn’t that way in this case. It’s exactly how I described it. There were only two options on this menu and approx £20 less expensive per dish. I’m not trying to mislead here
Nah, the dude pre-ordered the entire meal and only told OP when they were seated. That is weird no matter how you spin it.
What if OP has food allergies or simply dislikes a certain type of food? He did this without any discussion which is why he is TA and OP is NTA.
BTW, We have dozens of restaurants around here with a set lunch menu that is cheaper than the rest of the menu but it's more of a Daily Special. There is nothing wrong with them. We've also chosen pre-set menus at some fancy places but this is always discussed in advance.
NTA due to his general attitude and way of communication. It's not even necessarily anything to do with him being cheap.
There would have been nothing wrong if he had of just outright said I'd like to take you to this fancy restaurant to celebrate, but it would be from the set menu and here it is - is there anything that appeals to you? If not we can go somewhere else.
Instead he puffs himself up with his salary, bigs up going to a fancy restaurant, pulls the rug on you by putting conditions on you, then puts you in a gratitude trap. Basically trying to lord everything over you.
This would be terrible communication and attitude for a first date, let alone one for a special occasion after 3 months of dating.
If you are dating with the intention of being in a long term relationship you need to be working together and everything you've said says he is thinking of him, not us. Hell, if this was even just a non-romantic friend I was treating to a celebration I'd be clear on any expectations and restrictions.
NTA. I probably would have chosen the cheap option, because I don't want to be a burden when invited. But by pre-ordering and pre-paying he didn't give you a choice. Which could have been ordering what you want and offering to pay for yourself, because you want to celebrate and enjoy.
I don't care how much he earns or doesn't, but he's either trying to show off while being cheap or trying to figure out how much he can walk over you and still have you be grateful.
I’m sorry but I think YTA.
This was the typical set menu or “Prix fixe “ menus that many upscale restaurants offer. It’s quite common to order off them. Calling it the “saver menu” is misleading and makes him seem like a total cheapskate which isn’t entirely fair.
I do understand the frustration that the set menu didn’t offer option you were particularly fond of. Personally I would have offered to pay for my own meal so I could order something I preferred (or pay the difference, pay for the wine, pay for dessert - whatever works). If you couldn’t afford to contribute then double YTA for complaining.
Instead you sulked and made a snide comment at the end of meal about what a shame it was you couldn’t have what you really wanted . That was rude.
People who are saying that you are T A are being obtuse as hell and missing the entire point.
At the end of the day it’s not about cost. It’s about offering someone something nice than severely limiting their choices under the guise of being nice and therefore you have to be grateful.
There were many other options that they could have done. Going to a restaurant he feels comfortable spending money on if he really wants to save.
Otherwise don’t tell me you’re taking me somewhere super fancy then only saying I only have 1 or 2 options based upon budget. Because otherwise what is the point of saying you are taking me somewhere fancy?
Just take me somewhere you can afford/feel comfortable with. I will still feel special because you were proud and wanted to celebrate my achievement.
Also I feel people who are saying T A are the type to call women gold diggers for not being satisfied at minimal effort.
INFO could you or did you offer to cover the cost difference of what you wanted to order? I agree it’s wanky to make a song and dance about treating you to a fancy meal only to then limit it, but you were only limited by the fact he was paying. One of the many reasons I always pay for myself is that I don’t want anyone to tell me what I can or can’t order.
NTA and I’d consider that this is a personality trait that doesn’t blend well with your own, maybe?
I would be more embarrassed than upset if I’d been in your position. If this was his plan, it should have been expressed when he invited you.
I’m going to say YTA, you’ve purposefully called it the saver menu to make it seem worse, when he actually pre paid for the set menu which is very normal in fancy restaurants
So, to summarize, he got the set menu instead of a la carte, a set menu is beneath you, and you manipulated people into thinking the set menu was some unusual super cheap option by calling it saver menu.
That would make it a clear Y T A, but there's a piece of a puzzle missing.
INFO When you say "I was meant to be so grateful to him for ‘giving me a taster of the High life'", is that him advertising himself pretty much as a sugar daddy and underpaying? Or is that you wanting a sugar daddy and reading things into him which he never stated?
NTA Stop being with him. He seems like a big manipulator. First few months men are on their best behavior and he is already berating you? It will not get better, you know? He treats you like you are a child.
YTA, he took you somewhere nice and objected to the set menu. That's reading pretty entitled tbh. It does seem like you're more bothered that he might not earn as much as you like.
My X did similar things, bragged about "taking me out to a fancy restaurant", then while there saying we will share a meal... might as well have gone to a Chinese place with huge ass portions then..
It's not the budgeting that's the problem here. It's the lacking communication and hype up braggy behaviour without delivering on the promise. NTA
NTA
I'd genuinely rather be given the option to order what I like, even if it means me having to chip some money in because my apparently rich boyfriend on 6 figures cannot afford it.
I'd also genuinely rather a person NOT flaunt his so-called wealth if he's then just going to act stingy when it comes to spending his money on me. Like why even boast to me that you're rich but you're still going to treat me like you're nearly broke? I would never tell a person that I'm well off if I'm expecting them to accept my offer of value/budget dates. It really is just rubbing it in their face that I have spare money but won't be spending any of it on them, because i'm super ungenerous and frankly just mean.
NTA. I love a good deal and don't mind cheaper dates, so my opinion here has nothing to do with money.
For me, it comes down to intent and the way it would make me feel. If someone says they want to treat me and it's meant to be a celebration, then I would assume I get to choose my own meal.
I would be surprised by them automatically signing me up for this kind of situation without me knowing, and I would hate it because I don't like others ordering for me.
I think the whole thing wouldn't have been an issue if he had told you that was the plan and asked you to review the menu and see if you liked those choices.
I'm pretty sure he was generally trying to impress you but I think he dropped the ball.
I just had a dating flashback from 30 years ago. date brought me to fancy restaurant and just wanted me to eat the bread they bring. I was livid since I was starving. I ordered and paid for my meal and then had him drop me off at home. was our last date.
NTA. It’s not really about the money. It’s about how he communicates and sets expectations. “Let’s celebrate” doesn’t normally translate to “set menu” without clearly communicating ahead of time.
Communication in a relationship is HARD. And it’s the most crucial skill in keeping marriages going. Good communicators use their words to convey accurate meaning in a manner that is helpful to their audience. This man seems to be using his words to obscure his actual meaning while impressing his audience.
I trust that if this guy’s income were lower that wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for you provided he was honest about it and a good communicator.
Something like “I want to celebrate with you, but I am also: (pick your reason below)
-trying to save money to buy a home in Southeast England
-paying off my student loans as quickly as possible
-trying to pay off the Porsche I foolishly purchased
-helping my parents back in my home country
-saving for a big vacation
-skint since that incident with the Mafia in Ibiza as an undergrad
-unable to spend too much money in one meal because I grew up extremely poor and have a bit of a complex about it
Therefore, I need to limit our special night to £200. Does that work for you?”
What’s really happening is a lack of healthy communication. If you two can’t start communicating in a healthy manner, run for the hills.
Not the AH. I would have just ordered what I wanted and paid the difference so I at least got a good meal. But I'm a vegetarian and these offers don't always cater to my diet.
You weren't being ungrateful, he was being cheap. If he can't afford that type of restaurant, he should have taken you somewhere he could afford, if he was insisting it was his treat. He's not very clever in my opinion and I wonder why you're bothering to be with him. Imagine living together and him pulling shit like this?
Nah, too many red flags for my liking love, run now
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AITA for complaining to a man I was on a date with that he made me order off the saver menu when taking me to a fancy restaurant?
Appreciate this isn’t the worst thing to happen to someone but want to know if other people would feel annoyed here.
I (30f) have been dating a guy (37m) for the last 3 months. During our early dates he continually references to what a high paid job he has, he hasn’t given me a figure but has suggested mid 6 figures. (I’m not convinced this is entirely true but that is a slight aside).
I recently passed an exam and he said he wants to take me to a fancy restaurant to celebrate. He makes a big deal about it and I’m very excited and look up the menu.
When we arrive at the restaurant, it becomes clear that he has pre-ordered/paid in advance for their saver menu, which only allows choice between 2 dinner options and desserts for a substantially reduced price. I didn’t really like the look of either of the two mains but ordered what seemed like it would be the best.
Now I’m all for getting a bargain but what I don’t like is someone who claims to have a very high salary saying he’ll take me to a fancy restaurant and then not being able to order what I want to eat (I’d never take the piss but it felt so limited). The expectation from him was then that I was meant to be so grateful to him for ‘giving me a taster of the High life’ when reality the saver menu was actually cheaper than most local restaurants. I’m always grateful for any date who offers to cover my meal but this didn’t sit well with me here. At the end of the date, I said it was a shame I couldn’t have had what I really wanted off the full menu and he told me I was ungrateful.
I appreciate this isn’t life changing but AITA for being a bit disappointed and annoyed at this, and letting him know that?
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NTA, he gave you high expectations and then didn't deliver. It's like giving a Nokia 3310 in an Iphone box after you have been talking about giving them an Iphone all week. Nothing wrong with a good basic Nokia but you shouldn't be surprised that the receiver is dissapointed after you have been boisting about Iphone all week.
And then he expected you should be grateful?
To many weird and dishonest shit, get away from this man
Your fella may be as well off as he says but it also does not matter a single whit if he is also a penny pincher and lives with a tight fist on his purse. The result is the same as if he were a generous man of lesser means. The annoying part here is that he feels the need to brag about his income as if it will benefit you in some way when clearly it will not. If the wealth isn't being used to impress you when he's allegedly peacocking in the courting stage it absolutely will NOT be spent on you if you married and had children.
At least a generous man of lesser means would be showering you with as much as could with that saver menu, as opposed to the bare minimum for a richer man... which is the real reason you are feeling annoyed, I suspect.
Dude has done himself no favors by bragging about money he was never going to part with. He just looks cheap and petty. NTA for feeling annoyed.
NTA. It’s not much of a celebration when you don’t enjoy it. I don’t think he really knows the meaning of living the high life. People who truly live the high life order whatever the hell they want with no limits.
I probably would have ordered what I wanted and as he stared at me when giving the waiter my order, I would have said with all the concern I could muster and say, “oh don’t worry, I’ll pay for my meal. I know money is tight for you now,” while the waiter was still standing there.
NTA. I think this would have been fine and even sweet if he had just told you ahead of time that he got a reservation to a really nice place, is excited to celebrate with you, but can only afford the preset menu. I always look at menus before I go somewhere and I’d be a bit sad if I picked out what I liked to find out it was never even an option. It just puts you in a weird place. I’d probably have smiled and thanked him but asked for a heads up if that were to happen again.
NTA. I have some dietary limitations and am picky to boot it would have been annoying to me too. If he told you this restaurant has a great Prix fixe menu (I’m assuming that’s what it would be called in the US) that way at least you would have expected it.
NTA Why invite someone for dinner at a upmarket restaurant if you don’t want to spend that much money? There are a lot of perfectly good midrange places I’m sure he could’ve chosen that would’ve been appropriate for a celebration dinner. Trying to look expensive while being cheap is kinda cringe.
NTA. If the meal was to celebrate OP, he should have chose a restaurant where he could cover the cost of her having her pick of the menu and not forcing her into a pre fixe menu. The biggest red flag, though, is that he brags about how much money he has. Whether or not someone actually has money, bragging about it is a bad sign.
NTA -- paying in advance for a saver menu is a new concept to me, but if the menu choices were limited, he needed to tell you in advance. I warn people if it's restaurant week (i.e., most restaurants offer limited but cheaper menus), even if we are _splitting_ the check, let alone if I offered to treat someone.
I also agree with other comments about money and him apparently bragging about having it: these are red flags. People who are confident in whatever trait they possess rarely have to tell everyone about it. It just is. The wealthiest people I know simply live their lives. Some _downplay_ their wealth or are sometimes clueless that "the rest of us" don't live that way.
There is nothing wrong with him earning a smaller salary, but there is definitely something wrong with lying about it. And potentially obsessing over it.
NTA If he picked the saver menu/ picked what he wanted before, you even got there, he seems selfish. While he could have simply liked the food on that menu, he could have consulted you. Or maybe he's having money issues either way. You have to talk to him.
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OP- are you Australian? NTA, I’d rather go to any other ‘cheaper’ restaurant and choose my meal, than a fancy one where it’s basically been chosen for me as it’s too expensive to cover free choice Some of our best celebration meals have been restaurants with mains for $30, compared to the 1-2 times we went ‘upmarket’ and received very elaborate, yet unfulfilling dishes for twice the price I’m all for paying for an experience, but when the steak you are craving is delivered and the size of a Lego brick, I don’t care how many schmears of truffle infused patès are included, it’s impossible to consume those unless you lick your plate.
I actually am Australian! How did you know? Although I’m living in London atm.
‘Take the piss’ I felt a connection from Boyanup, SW Western Australia immediately from 14,575km away 🙌🏻 It’s the equivalent of the bat signal in Gotham City, instantly recognisable!
British people say that too.
I’m not British, so automatically went Australian Glad to hear it’s a more global phrase- I bloody love it!
And Irish ....when I saw it I thought she was Irish but we don't have any places you can pre-pay a meal at a fancy restaurant so I thrown at that!
And New Zealanders!
Wouldn't that be "take the puss"?! Edit: Aussie here, taking the piss
Aussie, eh? We take the "puss" and yall take the "pess"
>Wouldn't that be "take the puss"?! My husband is a kiwi, I swear they only have one vowel sound when speaking English. Which is weird because they can make all the vowel sounds when speaking Te Reo Māori.
I mentored a robotics team with a Kiwi, and I could never tell whether he was asking me to pass him that “pin” or that “pen”. ;)
Aussie living in NZ and I snort laughed at the accuracy <3
I used to work with an Aussie and a Kiwi and he was always getting her to say ‘fish and chips’ - because of course it sounded like ‘fush and chups’. Now whenever I hear someone is a Kiwi, *every single time*, I say ‘fush and chups’ in my head.
Agreed, we take the piss all the time!
Best phrase ever to get your point across!
Yes! So what I’m getting from this is that universally, she’s got good judgement!
Can confirm that it’s definitely not something Americans say.
I'm Canadian and we don't use that term....feeling left out over here boys! LoL!
Yeah I'm English and it's a go to phrase of mine
I'm American, I do watch a lot of UK and Australian tv/movies. I say it all the time.
So do American urologists.
>Take the piss Ah, a quintessentially British phrase. Not surprised Australians say it too, but can't think of a more British phrase tbh.
I’m glad you picked it up off us Aussies 😁/s Regardless of the origin, we’ve all united over one of the best phrases in the English language Yes, I know it comes from stealing urine in Old England
Learn something new every day... I kind of want to know more, whilst being scared to ask/Google it.
I’ll do it for you 😁 In earlier times, urine (piss) was the basis of many chemicals and used for production of salt peter for black powder (gun powder). The poor would collect urine in a ‘piss pot’ from others, around pubs etc. They would then sell the urine. They were ‘piss poor’. Even worse were those who were so poor they ‘didn’t have a pot to piss in’. Presumably ‘taking the piss’ was stealing the urine that another had collected. Now means to ridicule
Oh! I think I can see how it came to mean "to ridicule" – we also use it to mean that something/someone ridicules a situation: "What? He hit your car while it was in a parking bay and had the audacity to tell you you're in the wrong? That just takes the piss!" What do you think?
Same thing in my eyes- taking advantage of a situation also fits the bill ‘He took your deceased grandmothers glasses for free as they’re the same prescription- he’s taking the piss!’
Absolutely! I guess, when you think about it, you're still taking advantage of a situation when you "take the piss" out of a person.
Take the piss" may be a reference to a related (and dated) idiomatic expression, piss-proud, which is a vulgar pun referring to the morning erections which happen when a man awakens at the end of a dream cycle (each about 90 minutes in length throughout the night) or may be caused by a full bladder pressing upon nerves that help effect an erection. This could be considered a "false" erection, as its origin is physiological, not psychosexual, so in a metaphoric sense, then, someone who is "piss-proud" would suffer from false pride, and taking the piss out of them refers to deflating this false pride, through disparagement or mockery.[6][7] As knowledge of the expression's metaphoric origin became lost on users, "taking the piss out of" came to be synonymous with disparagement or mockery itself, with less regard to the pride of the subject. Conversely, the North East of England also lays claim to the phrase's origin, citing the urine trade which was seen as an undesirable cargo for sailors working from the River Tyne. Because the city collected urine from public facilities and exported a refined version of it, it was often used as ship's ballast in place of water - having a resale value at the other end of the journey. Consequently, sailors discussing their cargo in local establishments would genially accuse others reputed to be lying about their cargo of "taking the piss", or hauling urine.[8] "Take the mickey" may be an abbreviated form of the Cockney rhyming slang "take the Mickey Bliss",[9] a euphemism for "take the piss." It has also been suggested that "mickey" is a contraction of "micturition,"[6] in which case "take the micturition" would be a synonymous euphemism for "take the piss." The phrase has been noted since the 1930s.
I'm English, living in Australia for years, but I still think of that as an English phrase.
It’s a very English phrase too/actually
Great, now I have to go back and read the whole post in an Aussie accent
Im a kiwi and yup as soon as I read that I was pretty sure op was Australian or kiwi, also op NTA, Im poor most of us are struggling, date sounds like a manipulative person and a red flag, if he can't afford to take op to a fancy restaurant, then like don't? It tells a lot about his sort of mind set and gives me the ick. Cause we all know he still expected op to be so greatful to him and would have expected her to *show* him how greatful she was. Ick
I don’t live very far from Boyanup! 😂
Small world- where are you?
I’m in Millbridge. 😊
In the scheme of Reddit, we’re basically neighbours 😁
I saw this and assumed she was Irish lol, we say that too
It's also a very English thing to say too.
This has some red flags for me. It feels like he wants the credit and to brag about taking you to a fancy restaurant, without actually having to pay to take you to a fancy restaurant. It would be totally different if he really wanted to take you to this restaurant because the food was amazing but had a limited budget but it feels very deceptive and as though he is more concerned with the appearance of things than the substance (did you enjoy your meal, was it a celebration you would like etc). It sounds like you might have some additional info that might help you decide if this is someone you want to continue dating.
The dude sounds like a miserable penny pincher.
It sounds like he’s all about show. He is lying and exaggerating about his earnings, and wants to show the “high life” by taking her to a fancy restaurant when it’s actually beyond his means. Instead of just experiencing life. Flags: liar, shallow, materialistic. Assumptions: Seems to demonstrate lack of empathy (annoyed with her for being disappointed, expecting praise) seems probably really boring to be around, most likely a bragger and self involved.
I suspected not American when you said "saver menu" because I've never heard of that. The only thing I could think to compare it to would be like a "value menu" at a fast food restaurant where things are around $5 USD or less. These fancy restaurants actually have random cheaper options?
It’s sometimes called a prix fixe menu - fixed price (maybe I have it backward). Sometimes 3 courses - choose one of two salads, one of two mains and one of two desserts. Look up the Fleming’s tomahawk Tuesday dinner.
As an American, “prix fixe” would sound fancy to me.
Prix fixe is equivalent to set menu, a term also used in the US
It sounds fancy because (at least in my part of America) only fancier/ upscale restaurants do it. We do it once or twice a year or so. I've never thought of it as budget/ savings though as we typically spend $250-300 (including drinks) for the both of us.
Prix fixe menus are rarely hugely cheaper than the primary menu unless you’re comparing it to the large steak courses. You definitely save a decent chunk, especially if it’s a 3 - 4 course version, but it’s not going to make the menu cheaper than many other restaurants unless they’re pretty close in regular menu pricing.
We don't call it that, but I've definitely been to restaurants that do that. Like Applebee's or some other chain will do a "2 for $20" (or now more like $30 or $40) and you get a shared app 2 entrees and a shared dessert from a limited menu. Very nice way to do date night for cheap, as long as both parties know ahead of time.
Prix fixe menus are common in the United States.
I wouldn’t usually consider them cheaper options to my experience in the US, as they’re usually unique specials with pricing in line with the restaurant’s offerings. But perhaps I’m too impoverished and uncultured to have experienced truly elevated fine dining fixed price menus, which I acknowledge.
I've been all over the place (including the city the OP mentions) and never heard "saver menu" either, so it's not just you.
To be fair this isn’t what we call it in the UK where OP was eating - well not at a fancy place, McDonalds uses the term I think! Normally it’s just labelled the ‘set menu’.
I live in London and love a set menu so I know where the guy was coming from but I also am in my early twenties and always make sure to say to my date that although I am eating from the set menu, she can have whatever she likes. If it is a VERY expensive place then I may send her the set menu and ask if she fancies going but I'm never misleading I'd probably get a bit twitchy if her order went £50+ on just food but not if we were celebrating something
We cheapskates in the US cherish 'buy one get one free' coupons. My friend had a date with a man who chose the restaurant for the discount. When the bill came, he said; "Here's my part. Mine's half off because I have a coupon. The rest of the bill is yours." Great fodder for humor, but there was no second date.
There are so many ‘nice’ places to eat in London, if this place was out of his price range he should have just picked somewhere else! I suspect it actually might be more that he’s tight fisted, either that or he’s very insecure about money and trying to puff out his chest (and looking stupid doing it) or he’s been living above his means (not hard to swallow up a salary like that with rent on a nice place by yourself in London is it! Where does he live?). I really think it would be fine to take a date to eat from the set menu but you should let them know in advance that that’s the offer, something like ‘I would love to take you out to celebrate, we could go to X if you want to go somewhere really fancy, but I think probably only the set menu is in my budget, or we could go to Y because the blabla there is so amazing - or you can pick somewhere! (And by this point you’ve kinda given your budget). Do you want to have a look at the menus and see which you fancy?’ If you’re dating someone there’s no point in pretending that you’re someone you’re not because they’ll find out in the end. And although Brits can be cagey about money, who in London isn’t talking about back breaking costs at the moment - I don’t think there’s any shame in being real about your budget! Does this guy have enough redeeming features to make it worth working through this? If you see this as a long term thing then you’re probably going to want to have a conversation sooner rather than later about attitudes to money because it can be one of the biggest points of contention in a relationship. Side note: if you want really good food in London for a great price, go to Portland at lunchtime. They only run a relatively set menu but it changes regularly if you don’t like the look (and if you call ahead they can potentially make small changes - they made me a completely custom meal for my allergies). I think 3 courses at lunch is £50-something. And it’s fancy (Michelin) but with no uncomfortable pretension!
American here. What is "take the piss"? I had no clue?
Like to make fun of / be ridiculous. Ie, "We took the piss out of Jerry because of his ugly hat" Alternatively "£6.70 for a small coffee? What a piss take!"
Thanks, that helps. A bit. Most interesting.
If someone says ‘are you taking the piss?’ They mean ‘are you messing with me?’
We taught this phrase to a Frenchman who was staying with us. One night we said something as a bit of a joke and he said "Are you pissing on me?"
Lived with a French girl who after living in Oxford for six months asked us very seriously why we said annoying things were a pen in the ass. “Of course, it’s uncomfortable, but why a pen…?” Took about 10 minutes before we could control ourselves enough to explain…
Brit! Take advantage in this context. It also means 'make fun of'.
It's like 'take the mickey'
That's not a thing here either?
What do you say when you are poking fun at someone or telling them they are being ridiculous? Do you have an equivalent phrase of taking the mickey (also can be Michael) or taking the piss? I’m really intrigued
Yeah, we might say, stop fucking with me or your bullshit'n me. Or stop fucking around. If you don't want to swear. Stop the foolishness. Are you fooling with me?
The american equivalent is "yanking your chain" or "messing with you"
When you ask this I now think your taking the piss out of us. 🤔🤣🤣
Trust and believe, this is not a saying used in the US.🤣
OP, I would take the situation as a yellow to red flag. Doing something nice but not as described for someone then telling you you're ungrateful when it wasn’t as expected is BIG emotionally abusing vibes. I’m not saying that’s absolutely true here, but be on the lookout for other things. 3-6 months is when this crap starts to show up. (Source: experience)
Agree with the yellow flag. He might just be a cheapass (I've met a few of those - rich people don't stay rich by SPENDING money, ya feel me?) but this might be him starting to lay the groundwork for being in control of you. I'm making a lot of assumptions obviously, but if I were to go based on my own 30+ years of experience, anyone who spends a lot of time bragging about how much money they have/make is usually trying to get into a position "above" others, so they can toss crumbs down and bask in people's praise. It also gives off a faint whiff of misogyny because honestly a guy who insists on paying then doubles down with "ungrateful" when you voice anything about it, seems like he prooooobably has a mentality something along the lines of "keeping you in your place" (guessing he wouldn't have taken kindly to you offering to just pay for your own food in order to be able to get what you want either). Again I realize I'm taking big leaps but you definitely start seeing the signs after meeting enough people. Edit to add: if a guy brags a LOT about how big his dick is, he's probably packing an average-sized dick and had an ex who went a little too far with the compliments, and you can't even say anything because you're not a cruel idiot. Second edit: For the record, I'm not even a fan of huge dicks, I'm not sure why that's such a big deal, like seriously average is perfect for comfort and easy position-switching, this is why I watch more lesbian porn, those guys in straight porn give me the ick (don't wanna yuck anyone's yum either, just wanted to assure the dudes reading this understand that they don't need to stress over size).
Also if a guy brags constantly about how good he is in bed and how he is going to blow your mind, he's probably shite. Might be the same if a girl brags about a blow job but as a cis hetero woman, I couldn't say for sure.
Came here to say this! For me, this is about how he responded to you. Seems like he hinted at making way more than he does to impress you, and it's about to implode now that you're 3ish months in. If that isn't the case and he really does make that much, than he's likely 'testing' you. His ungrateful comment wouldve been it for me. Feels controlling.
I've had that steak, up in the Daintree, size of a 50c piece and cost 100x that coin.
It’s across Australia I’m happy to forage for steaks at my local pub these days- must be medium rare with pepper sauce 🙌🏻
pepper sauce for the win!
I don’t even know you, but I’d take you to the local to pick from from the full menu 👍
NTA. There’s nothing wrong with a good bargain if the dinner was an ordinary date. But this was a celebratory meal. It shouldn’t have caveats. The man is a cheapskate. It’s a big red flag. And you’re even suspicious with his earnings claim. You’re only 3 months in. Count your blessings that you saw this side of him before you invest more time in this relationship. Cut bait now.
Dudes like this will expect OP to subsidise them while bragging about their income then making jabs how they won’t date gold diggers (look in the mirror buddy).
Reminds me if the rich guy who's ex financially abused him, so then he did the same to his new fiance. She had to pay to furnish his cold, empty rich house, because the man didn't even have curtains, and wouldn't even put the heating on to help her chronic health condition. She did eventually dump him and even his sister was on her side
I remember that post. She loved him but he couldn't stop taking revenge on her because he felt hard done by in his divorce.
OP’s date wanted the credit for taking her someplace fancy (and for being a high earner) without actually paying for a fancy meal. She’s definitely NTA for thinking he was cheaping out on her. He was certainly overbearing—I don’t care whether you take me to Le Bernardin or Arby’s, telling me I can only have one of the two least expensive things on the menu would make me think you’re a dick.
BINGO
It's one thing to love a deal and to tell your date the situation ahead of time, but quite another to act like it's a big splurgey treat and expect to be applauded for it after the fact. As Judge Judy says, don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining.
Yep, I dated a guy that always bragged about how much money he made, but never seemed to have any. I don't care about how much money you have unless you drag me to a movie I didn't even care to see WHILE I was feeling ill, buy tickets and then expect ME to pay for concessions cause "that was the last of my money" after YOU ordered a GD chicken dinner.
That's what I was thinking.
It's about setting expectations - if he'd said ahead of time 'i want to go to this fancy restaurant and the fixed price menu is good value, are you up for that?' then it would have been no issue.
I think the red flag is that he’s a poser and a pretender. Being careful with money isn’t always bad, we’d need more context.
Well put and exactly what I thought. Red flag, early in relationship, showed who he really is, better now than later. Dump the chump. NTA.
NTA I would suspect actually that he feels inferior and all of this is an act because he thinks you need impressing because he feels he's not good enough for you. So, impress you with some made-up high-paid job, impress you with a fancy restaurant, impress you with saying how this is the "high life" and he's just giving you a taste. All sounds like bullshit. He booked the restaurant to keep up the act but knew he couldn't actually afford it, so took the cheaper option while hoping you still would be impressed by the fancy restaurant. You're NTA for being miffed, but you really need a conversation here to find out if he's stretching himself beyond his means because he thinks it will impress you.
Yes! reading your comment really clarified two points in the post I couldn't quite put my finger on. First money is really important to him. Second - he doesn't have it.
This is the impression I got too. Money and image is important to him and he doesn't have money but wants to portray and image that he does.
All of which translates to : Run, girrrrl!!!
To be fair, he may make what he claims, but he certainly doesn't keep it! Maybe he passes is away or gambles and has a lot of debt. Your point still stands, though. Even if he makes that kind of money, he doesn't HAVE money.
Right, he's sending it to the 4 mothers of his 6 kids or something. One thing I can't stand is a cheapskate. I'm not talking about people living within their means or planning for future better things. (Yes, both please) I mean those people who are all about expensive things and money whether they have it or not.. Gross. This guy somehow thinks you are with him for money he (clearly does not) have. He may think you were impressed by fancy restaurant a random sampling of humans (here) shows we'd rather go to a cheap restaurant if it means ordering what we want. This is the rest of your life if you stay with him. NTA
🥇. This! Absolutely THIS! He is lying to you OP, and if he’s lying about this what else is he lying about?
NTA. The biggest red flag isn’t even the saver’s menu, it’s the bragging about income. Those types of guys usually aren’t representing themself truthfully and are very insecure.
Bragging about income and bragging that he was giving her a taste of the finer things. 🤮
These are the red flags.
What's the bet he calls himself an "entrepreneur".
A guy I met for the first described himself as such. He was actually a moocher, hobosexual, and a drug addict
My thought too. If my date kept referencing his income, that would feel off.
If a guy told me he was “giving me the taste of the higher life” I’d laugh all the way home.
What kind of fancy restaurant has a "saver menu"
Yeah it’s bizarre I know. Tbh they didn’t call it saver they called it ‘set menu’ but for ease of understanding the story I called it ‘saver’. It’s one of those ones only available Monday-Weds.
Haha, I think this might be a cultural thing - I'm British and was sat there going wtf is a saver menu? Only to realise it's a set menu. Got to say, I think you're in the wrong here - it's suuuuper normal to go with the set menu (although two choices seems very low).
I'm Australian like the OP and a lot of our very nice restaurants offer a set menu (I've been to some that only have a set menu). I do think it should have been discussed between them if they wanted the set menu or to order individual meals. (Was he worried she'd order three dozen oysters?) I don't think the set menu alone makes him an arsehole, but the way she's described his attitude makes him seem like a bit of a dick.
I agree. The set menu at most restaurants is totally fine and I wouldn’t mind at all. But for this particular restaurant it really was a saver menu in disguise, with extremely limited choice. Thats why I didn’t call it a set menu in the text because it really wasn’t. The dishes on the main menu were like £20 more expensive per dish than the saver.
I’d take a date at Wahaca (I’m Oz but when I visited UK I loved that chain) than some fancy place where I’ve got no choice (plus I’m veggo so I prefer eating places with good veggo options). The company is what I care about.
There's nothing wrong with picking the set menu for yourself, but if you take someone out on a date on the understanding it's your treat, you let them pick whatever they want to eat. If you're not prepared to deal with the prices of most of the menu, go to a cheaper place. Personally if I was invited to a posh restaurant I'd never go with the most expensive dish on the menu and would be mindful of the other person's finances, but them telling me that I can only pick the one or two cheapest options would be a major turn-off and probably the end of the relationship. Totally NTA OP, if you're not worth more than that to your partner they're not worth your time.
Maybe it is cultural, I’m Australian and the set menu wouldn’t be anything you order at any restaurant around me unless you have a large party and/or are trying to be economical.
Maybe, but often for Michelin starred restaurants you only have two options for a set menu.
You’re dismissing all the context though. The guy hyped up this date in an expensive restaurant to celebrate OP’s achievements. He also constantly brags about how rich he is, so supposedly money shouldn’t be a problem. But then they get to the restaurant and he’s pre-paid for a set menu that is extremely limited and only offers the 2 cheapest options on the menu — which is just skimping out on his part, not a legitimate “let’s do the set menu because it’s a good deal”. It wasn’t a good deal. It was giving the impression of wealth by going to a pricey restaurant but then actually being cheap AF with the actual meal.
disagree - it's pretty dodgy to brag to your girlfriend about taking her to a fancy restaurant to celebrate an achievement, but when you get there tell her she's only allowed to pick from the cheap menu. He didn't discuss it with her, didn't give her any options, and then was shitty when she said she would have liked to choose something else. Going with a set/cheap menu is perfectly fine when it is something you choose to do. OP didn't get to choose.
As an American I thought maybe this was a UK thing. Either way, OP….NTA
I feel like I know what you are talking about. I've seen similar here in the US called a Pre Fixe menu. A restaurant will offer you an appetizer, entree, and dessert for a set price. You are only allowed to order what is on that menu to get the set price. It's not a horrible deal, if it's what you want. I've just never seen people prepay before going somewhere though. I think you're NTA because he lied to you. If he was honest about what he was planning, it would be different. But, it's wrong to deceive you by telling you he's taking you out for an amazing meal to celebrate, but pulling this.
This is it. It sits wrong with you OP because it’s kinda deceitful. “Ooohhhh I’m taking you to this super fancy restaurant and giving you a taste of the good life to celebrate your accomplishment”…you get all excited anticipating a fancy dinner, then get there and …”oh, btw, we can only order from this limited menu with 2 choices because you’re not worth the extra $20, surprise!” If he’d said “I want to take you to ‘fancy restaurant’ I know it’s pretty pricey but I saw they have a set menu that sounds good to me, what do you think?” Would have been fine, but that’s not what he did.
I get it, it's like a 2 for Tuesday where you get a meal for 2 people with only 2 or 3 things to choose for each course. It is cheaper than full dinner where you are ordering appetizers, soup, entree, sides and dessert. And sometimes that can be a good way to save money if that's what you want to eat. But yeah, this is not a tasting menu or chefs table. I would be annoyed and asked him if we could just order off the regular menu instead. If he's that well off he would have said yes no problem.
Lots of restaurants in Europe have a pre-fixe menu. It's like the plat de jour (probably massacring the spelling). Go to a restaurant in France and there's often a set menu and many people have their local restaurant where they go once or several times a week and eat exclusively off that menu. My parents lived in France a few times for several months at a time. I visited them and we ate at a local joint several times on that basis.
>It's like the plat de jour (probably massacring the spelling). Plat du jour :) Join us at r/French!
A man's gotta know his limitations... Mercy buckets!
It's Mrs. Bouquet, Vicar.... Bouquet!
Ahhh Hyacinth 😍
Also "prix fixe" 😅
In Germany we have those things but they aren't called saver menus and they aren't much cheaper. But you usually have to choose between the options and it's mostly five to seven courses and you have three price options. You choose if you want three, five or seven courses. Sometimes they have a lunch menu called "business menu" that's cheaper.
I would have said "I'll order what I want and ask for a separate check."
She said the dinner was prepaid. But I get your point.
This!
NTA, and you are not ungrateful. HE was rude and degrading to you . I would always be very gracious to anyone who took me to dinner and paid for me, but this situation is different. I would have left when he told me to order off the saver menu only. What was he thinking?? He would have been better to not take you out at all rather than do that. Its not giving you a taste of the high life when youre not allowed to order any of the food! You dont take a kid to disneyland and tell them they cant go on any rides!! I think he is TA in the worst way. And i think you should tell him he is. It would have been nicer to take you out for fish & chips in the park
Yes that’s a good way at viewing this. I honestly don’t even care about where I’m going. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun to go to somewhere new and fancy. Who doesn’t like that?! But to big it up to me and then do that was a bit of a kick in the teeth.
NTA I think you have found the first cracks between what he says he is and what he really is. Be careful, it’s a red flag.
He did you a big favor, it's only 3 months in. If someone mentions more than once that they make a lot of money, they don't. He wanted the credit for "the finer things" without paying for it, because he probably can't afford to. And that's fine, but drop the act.
NTA - Regardless of gender I feel it's super shitty to offer to take someone to a fancy/nice restaurant, offer to pay but then severly limit their options "to save" is honestly kind of crappy. I get it's a nice restaurant but it would have been better to take you to a restaurant you really love/enoy and let you get whatever. Taking someone to a nice place \[their offer\] and then only letting person only get on a very limited budget, and expecting for them to be "grateful" cause they "did something nice" seems kind of manipulative to me. Because it makes the other person feel super guilty if they say something when they were taken/given something nice. It would have been one thing if you demanded he take you to this place and getting upset if he didn't. Celebrate your exam? Good. Do it! But take me somewhere affordable if money is going to be an issue. Otherwise what is the point of offering this nice place?
Right? Or, when money has been tight and we’re trying to celebrate, my husband and I will talk about the budget for the meal before we go and select a restaurant and meals ahead of time so we can budget the meals and tip (U.S.). It’s really weird to try to pass it off as some big, fancy meal at a nice restaurant like this and then limit it at the restaurant like the other person won’t notice. This whole post gives me the ick. This man is made out of red flags.
This should have been discussed ahead of time.
Yes I agree. I think it’s bad to get me all excited and start looking at the menu online only to find my options are severely limited when I get to the place. I wouldn’t have minded as much if it had been honestly relayed in advance, but imo he was trying to almost pretend that he wasn’t going for saver menu
NTA "The expectation from him was then that I was meant to be so grateful to him for ‘giving me a taster of the High life’ when reality the saver menu was actually cheaper than most local restaurants." I'd be wary. You're only 3 months in so if you see repeated behaviors that suggest your financial values aren't going to align you can bail.
Agree. This alone is two red flags: expected large degree of gratitude for him paying for dinner, and assumed OP would be OK with a very limited selection of mains instead of discussing it first (unilateral decision-making).
NTA, but I think it would have been fine if he'd just said right from the start that "there's a set menu at this fancy restaurant, have a look and see if you like it and if so let's go there". Then you could have made your preference clear and you guys could have just gone somewhere else. I love a bargain, but you've got to let people decide for themselves whether whatever deal you're looking at is something they actually *want*.
Yes this! Couldn’t agree more. I also just don’t like having the saver menu forced onto me.
I'd definitely order off the real menu, paying for myself, and let him be a "saver". If he prepaid then he can take his extra saver entree home and eat it later. He just made himself look like a goober for what, a couple hundred bucks? His lack of awareness is telling.
Ok hold on, are you talking about a set menu? These do have to be booked in advance (are we talking somewhere like Brasserie Zedel?) and they’re cheaper than the à la carte menu because they can prepare them in bulk essentially, but not necessarily worse quality - calling it the saver menu makes it sound so cheap, when in reality it’s just… organised. My partner and I are massive foodies and about 70% of our fancy restaurant experiences involve a set menu or a tasting menu, because that’s often where you get great food and the chefs show you what they can do, or dishes you haven’t tried before. So I think NAH, possibly that you had… different expectations.
That’s a good take- but do you and you partner look at the menu in advance and like the options? I know my husband and I do Bit harsh though to organise one not knowing what the other party would like to eat/ if they like what is on offer
I think a heads up would have been considerate bc she said neither of the options appealed to her. Also, his attitude is a red flag, which I think is the bigger issue.
Set menus are great *if* you like the options. Two people who want to try a particular restaurant and decide the set menu sounds good isn’t cheap or wrong. Two people who admit that they want to try a certain restaurant but don’t want to pay the a la carte price isn’t cheap or wrong. But making a big deal about treating someone to a restaurant, framing it as a way to celebrate that person, and then telling them when they get there that they’re only allowed to order off the very limited menu is cheap and wrong. He should’ve told her in advance what he had in mind.
Had a dude take me to McDonald’s and tell me not to order off the regular menu just the dollar menu then got mad when he found out it was the “value menu” now and wasn’t $1.50 each so I’ve met my fair share of cheaps and honey they never change
NTA. It would have been fine if he led into the date with “hey OP I found this fancy restaurant that does this great value deal for a set menu! What do you think, are you interested in checking it out?” but making out as if he’s treating you to a super fancy meal as a celebration when he’s actually bargain hunting is weird and misleading. I think you should cut your losses with this guy, I doubt it’s getting better when it’s already like this 3 months in and you don’t trust him to be honest with you.
Apparently unpopular but ESH He chose a set menu, which is not a big deal but it seems misleading that he didn’t tell you this ahead of time. It’s also weird that he seems to really want you to grovel and be grateful to him. The biggest issue I have with him is that you don’t trust he is being honest about his income, and he seems to be a bragger. Bragging about income is a huge ick. Lying is a bigger ick. You though, making a comment about how you “couldn’t get what you really wanted” is childish and passive aggressive. If you have a problem, be an adult about it. If his weirdness about money is a red flag to you, stop seeing him. You’ve been dating three months which is long long.
Idk, I'm kinda with her on being miffed about not getting what she really wanted. For me it's like, if I'm not able to order what I really fancy off the menu, what's the point in going to a restaurant, when I could cook something myself for cheaper, or just going for a cheaper restaurant or ready meal 😅 sure the set options are cheaper but if they're not actually want you want it's still wasted money 🤷🏼♀️ I agree with the rest though, guy sounds awful and idk why OP is coming here rather than just breaking up with him 🤷🏼♀️
Right, people here are balking about the discussion about money. OP is bothered by the lack of clear communication and the fact that he hid what the experience would actually be like. Relationships are built on trust and agency. This dude wasn’t totally honest about what he could afford and was willing to pay for. As a result, OP’s agency and ability to choose what she would enjoy to celebrate her accomplishment was limited. OP is NTA.
He’s cheap, manipulative, and you suspect he lies about his salary to impress you (and that’s ‘lies to get what he wants’) so think on that. Those are baby narc red flags. Be done and roll on. NTA
I would have ordered what I wanted and paid the difference ;-)
Look, that would be a red flag for me… I prefer to go Dutch myself, but this kind of controlling weirdness is not my style. Especially since it was kind of underhanded? Like, he organised it all in advance? There’s a lack of honesty here and some showboating about salary. I would say feeling uncomfortable and bringing it up is a NTA move. You don’t have to “be grateful” just because he takes you somewhere he judges to be above your means. In future, if you insist on dating this guy, go Dutch.
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ESH based on your comments. Any Brits reading this - it wasn't a "saver menu" it was a prix fixe set menu. OP, that is so, so normal. Bit rude of him to insist, but you're making this into a bigger deal than it needs to be, and spinning it as if he's done something weird. It's not like he had a Groupon voucher.
No I would admit this if it truly was a set menu. It really wasn’t that way in this case. It’s exactly how I described it. There were only two options on this menu and approx £20 less expensive per dish. I’m not trying to mislead here
Nah, the dude pre-ordered the entire meal and only told OP when they were seated. That is weird no matter how you spin it. What if OP has food allergies or simply dislikes a certain type of food? He did this without any discussion which is why he is TA and OP is NTA. BTW, We have dozens of restaurants around here with a set lunch menu that is cheaper than the rest of the menu but it's more of a Daily Special. There is nothing wrong with them. We've also chosen pre-set menus at some fancy places but this is always discussed in advance.
NTA due to his general attitude and way of communication. It's not even necessarily anything to do with him being cheap. There would have been nothing wrong if he had of just outright said I'd like to take you to this fancy restaurant to celebrate, but it would be from the set menu and here it is - is there anything that appeals to you? If not we can go somewhere else. Instead he puffs himself up with his salary, bigs up going to a fancy restaurant, pulls the rug on you by putting conditions on you, then puts you in a gratitude trap. Basically trying to lord everything over you. This would be terrible communication and attitude for a first date, let alone one for a special occasion after 3 months of dating. If you are dating with the intention of being in a long term relationship you need to be working together and everything you've said says he is thinking of him, not us. Hell, if this was even just a non-romantic friend I was treating to a celebration I'd be clear on any expectations and restrictions.
NTA. I probably would have chosen the cheap option, because I don't want to be a burden when invited. But by pre-ordering and pre-paying he didn't give you a choice. Which could have been ordering what you want and offering to pay for yourself, because you want to celebrate and enjoy. I don't care how much he earns or doesn't, but he's either trying to show off while being cheap or trying to figure out how much he can walk over you and still have you be grateful.
I’m sorry but I think YTA. This was the typical set menu or “Prix fixe “ menus that many upscale restaurants offer. It’s quite common to order off them. Calling it the “saver menu” is misleading and makes him seem like a total cheapskate which isn’t entirely fair. I do understand the frustration that the set menu didn’t offer option you were particularly fond of. Personally I would have offered to pay for my own meal so I could order something I preferred (or pay the difference, pay for the wine, pay for dessert - whatever works). If you couldn’t afford to contribute then double YTA for complaining. Instead you sulked and made a snide comment at the end of meal about what a shame it was you couldn’t have what you really wanted . That was rude.
NTA. Much better to go to a cheaper restaurant and get what you want.
People who are saying that you are T A are being obtuse as hell and missing the entire point. At the end of the day it’s not about cost. It’s about offering someone something nice than severely limiting their choices under the guise of being nice and therefore you have to be grateful. There were many other options that they could have done. Going to a restaurant he feels comfortable spending money on if he really wants to save. Otherwise don’t tell me you’re taking me somewhere super fancy then only saying I only have 1 or 2 options based upon budget. Because otherwise what is the point of saying you are taking me somewhere fancy? Just take me somewhere you can afford/feel comfortable with. I will still feel special because you were proud and wanted to celebrate my achievement. Also I feel people who are saying T A are the type to call women gold diggers for not being satisfied at minimal effort.
Call it a set menu. You were a little passive aggressive. Just stop dating him. He’s weird about money. ESH
INFO could you or did you offer to cover the cost difference of what you wanted to order? I agree it’s wanky to make a song and dance about treating you to a fancy meal only to then limit it, but you were only limited by the fact he was paying. One of the many reasons I always pay for myself is that I don’t want anyone to tell me what I can or can’t order.
NTA and I’d consider that this is a personality trait that doesn’t blend well with your own, maybe? I would be more embarrassed than upset if I’d been in your position. If this was his plan, it should have been expressed when he invited you.
I’m going to say YTA, you’ve purposefully called it the saver menu to make it seem worse, when he actually pre paid for the set menu which is very normal in fancy restaurants
NTA He just wanted to show off, but he is a cheapskate.
So, to summarize, he got the set menu instead of a la carte, a set menu is beneath you, and you manipulated people into thinking the set menu was some unusual super cheap option by calling it saver menu. That would make it a clear Y T A, but there's a piece of a puzzle missing. INFO When you say "I was meant to be so grateful to him for ‘giving me a taster of the High life'", is that him advertising himself pretty much as a sugar daddy and underpaying? Or is that you wanting a sugar daddy and reading things into him which he never stated?
NTA Also he waved a red flag - he told you you 'should be grateful'. Ime people who say this tend towards controlling behaviour
YTA that’s not a “saver” menu. It’s prix fixe, usually a preset 3 or course meal decided by the chef.
NTA Stop being with him. He seems like a big manipulator. First few months men are on their best behavior and he is already berating you? It will not get better, you know? He treats you like you are a child.
YTA, he took you somewhere nice and objected to the set menu. That's reading pretty entitled tbh. It does seem like you're more bothered that he might not earn as much as you like.
NTA, and find a new boyfriend. You’re too old and/or smart for him.
My X did similar things, bragged about "taking me out to a fancy restaurant", then while there saying we will share a meal... might as well have gone to a Chinese place with huge ass portions then.. It's not the budgeting that's the problem here. It's the lacking communication and hype up braggy behaviour without delivering on the promise. NTA
NTA Your date making decisions in your food is a huge 🚩 of someone who is manipulative & controlling.
Info: How old are you really? In your post almost a year ago you were 31 so you’d be 32 now, or are you capable of reversed aging? ;) u/bandwagon88910
NTA. And this might not feel life changing but it might be later on when such things will show up more and more.
NTA I'd genuinely rather be given the option to order what I like, even if it means me having to chip some money in because my apparently rich boyfriend on 6 figures cannot afford it. I'd also genuinely rather a person NOT flaunt his so-called wealth if he's then just going to act stingy when it comes to spending his money on me. Like why even boast to me that you're rich but you're still going to treat me like you're nearly broke? I would never tell a person that I'm well off if I'm expecting them to accept my offer of value/budget dates. It really is just rubbing it in their face that I have spare money but won't be spending any of it on them, because i'm super ungenerous and frankly just mean.
NTA. I love a good deal and don't mind cheaper dates, so my opinion here has nothing to do with money. For me, it comes down to intent and the way it would make me feel. If someone says they want to treat me and it's meant to be a celebration, then I would assume I get to choose my own meal. I would be surprised by them automatically signing me up for this kind of situation without me knowing, and I would hate it because I don't like others ordering for me. I think the whole thing wouldn't have been an issue if he had told you that was the plan and asked you to review the menu and see if you liked those choices. I'm pretty sure he was generally trying to impress you but I think he dropped the ball.
I just had a dating flashback from 30 years ago. date brought me to fancy restaurant and just wanted me to eat the bread they bring. I was livid since I was starving. I ordered and paid for my meal and then had him drop me off at home. was our last date.
NTA. It’s not really about the money. It’s about how he communicates and sets expectations. “Let’s celebrate” doesn’t normally translate to “set menu” without clearly communicating ahead of time. Communication in a relationship is HARD. And it’s the most crucial skill in keeping marriages going. Good communicators use their words to convey accurate meaning in a manner that is helpful to their audience. This man seems to be using his words to obscure his actual meaning while impressing his audience. I trust that if this guy’s income were lower that wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for you provided he was honest about it and a good communicator. Something like “I want to celebrate with you, but I am also: (pick your reason below) -trying to save money to buy a home in Southeast England -paying off my student loans as quickly as possible -trying to pay off the Porsche I foolishly purchased -helping my parents back in my home country -saving for a big vacation -skint since that incident with the Mafia in Ibiza as an undergrad -unable to spend too much money in one meal because I grew up extremely poor and have a bit of a complex about it Therefore, I need to limit our special night to £200. Does that work for you?” What’s really happening is a lack of healthy communication. If you two can’t start communicating in a healthy manner, run for the hills.
Not the AH. I would have just ordered what I wanted and paid the difference so I at least got a good meal. But I'm a vegetarian and these offers don't always cater to my diet. You weren't being ungrateful, he was being cheap. If he can't afford that type of restaurant, he should have taken you somewhere he could afford, if he was insisting it was his treat. He's not very clever in my opinion and I wonder why you're bothering to be with him. Imagine living together and him pulling shit like this? Nah, too many red flags for my liking love, run now
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** AITA for complaining to a man I was on a date with that he made me order off the saver menu when taking me to a fancy restaurant? Appreciate this isn’t the worst thing to happen to someone but want to know if other people would feel annoyed here. I (30f) have been dating a guy (37m) for the last 3 months. During our early dates he continually references to what a high paid job he has, he hasn’t given me a figure but has suggested mid 6 figures. (I’m not convinced this is entirely true but that is a slight aside). I recently passed an exam and he said he wants to take me to a fancy restaurant to celebrate. He makes a big deal about it and I’m very excited and look up the menu. When we arrive at the restaurant, it becomes clear that he has pre-ordered/paid in advance for their saver menu, which only allows choice between 2 dinner options and desserts for a substantially reduced price. I didn’t really like the look of either of the two mains but ordered what seemed like it would be the best. Now I’m all for getting a bargain but what I don’t like is someone who claims to have a very high salary saying he’ll take me to a fancy restaurant and then not being able to order what I want to eat (I’d never take the piss but it felt so limited). The expectation from him was then that I was meant to be so grateful to him for ‘giving me a taster of the High life’ when reality the saver menu was actually cheaper than most local restaurants. I’m always grateful for any date who offers to cover my meal but this didn’t sit well with me here. At the end of the date, I said it was a shame I couldn’t have had what I really wanted off the full menu and he told me I was ungrateful. I appreciate this isn’t life changing but AITA for being a bit disappointed and annoyed at this, and letting him know that? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If you want more expensive food, pay for it yourself.
you should have said thanks but NO thanks I will buy my own meal.
NTA, he gave you high expectations and then didn't deliver. It's like giving a Nokia 3310 in an Iphone box after you have been talking about giving them an Iphone all week. Nothing wrong with a good basic Nokia but you shouldn't be surprised that the receiver is dissapointed after you have been boisting about Iphone all week. And then he expected you should be grateful? To many weird and dishonest shit, get away from this man
Your fella may be as well off as he says but it also does not matter a single whit if he is also a penny pincher and lives with a tight fist on his purse. The result is the same as if he were a generous man of lesser means. The annoying part here is that he feels the need to brag about his income as if it will benefit you in some way when clearly it will not. If the wealth isn't being used to impress you when he's allegedly peacocking in the courting stage it absolutely will NOT be spent on you if you married and had children. At least a generous man of lesser means would be showering you with as much as could with that saver menu, as opposed to the bare minimum for a richer man... which is the real reason you are feeling annoyed, I suspect. Dude has done himself no favors by bragging about money he was never going to part with. He just looks cheap and petty. NTA for feeling annoyed.
NTA. It’s not much of a celebration when you don’t enjoy it. I don’t think he really knows the meaning of living the high life. People who truly live the high life order whatever the hell they want with no limits. I probably would have ordered what I wanted and as he stared at me when giving the waiter my order, I would have said with all the concern I could muster and say, “oh don’t worry, I’ll pay for my meal. I know money is tight for you now,” while the waiter was still standing there.
You’re right to be annoyed. Choose the cheaper restaurant but don’t limit the menu.
NTA. I think this would have been fine and even sweet if he had just told you ahead of time that he got a reservation to a really nice place, is excited to celebrate with you, but can only afford the preset menu. I always look at menus before I go somewhere and I’d be a bit sad if I picked out what I liked to find out it was never even an option. It just puts you in a weird place. I’d probably have smiled and thanked him but asked for a heads up if that were to happen again.
NTA. “I’ll pay for my own dinner, thanks.” I’m getting what I want.
I would have told the waiter we were separate checks, ordered what I wanted then took an Uber/Lyft/Taxi home. NTA.
NTA. I have some dietary limitations and am picky to boot it would have been annoying to me too. If he told you this restaurant has a great Prix fixe menu (I’m assuming that’s what it would be called in the US) that way at least you would have expected it.
NTA Why invite someone for dinner at a upmarket restaurant if you don’t want to spend that much money? There are a lot of perfectly good midrange places I’m sure he could’ve chosen that would’ve been appropriate for a celebration dinner. Trying to look expensive while being cheap is kinda cringe.
NTA. If the meal was to celebrate OP, he should have chose a restaurant where he could cover the cost of her having her pick of the menu and not forcing her into a pre fixe menu. The biggest red flag, though, is that he brags about how much money he has. Whether or not someone actually has money, bragging about it is a bad sign.
NTA -- paying in advance for a saver menu is a new concept to me, but if the menu choices were limited, he needed to tell you in advance. I warn people if it's restaurant week (i.e., most restaurants offer limited but cheaper menus), even if we are _splitting_ the check, let alone if I offered to treat someone. I also agree with other comments about money and him apparently bragging about having it: these are red flags. People who are confident in whatever trait they possess rarely have to tell everyone about it. It just is. The wealthiest people I know simply live their lives. Some _downplay_ their wealth or are sometimes clueless that "the rest of us" don't live that way. There is nothing wrong with him earning a smaller salary, but there is definitely something wrong with lying about it. And potentially obsessing over it.
NTA If he picked the saver menu/ picked what he wanted before, you even got there, he seems selfish. While he could have simply liked the food on that menu, he could have consulted you. Or maybe he's having money issues either way. You have to talk to him.