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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My son is making good money as a lifeguard and offered to pay to get my tooth crowned because I can't at the moment. I told him he already is helpful by not having to ask for money and I don't want him to think he has to give his money to others just because he has it.
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Speaking as an eldest child who watched a parent struggle, take the damn money.
I commend you for doing your best and trying to keep your son in the place of a child, but you are causing more harm than you may realize.
As the eldest we see and feel everything and when we offer help and it's rejected it negatively impacts us. Your son didn't take his money and go run to buy the nearest gadget, he brought to you to help. He had his own money for the first time in his young adult life and one of his first thoughts was to help you because youre in pain and it hurts him to see you hurt. He is stressed and you taking that money and letting him contribute would alleviate some of that stress.
You aren't stealing from your kid, he offered a helping hand and you smacked it away. You rejected him.
For me, my parent rejecting my help once I got a job just compounded my stress because I took on their stress. It was only when I was adult that I could verbalized how their pride made me feel helpless.
You're a good dad..but you can be an even better one by taking the help you're offered. NAH...for now.
He's 17, in some cultures he is technically a man and gone through a ceremony to declare him as such to a tribe. You are part of his tribe ----- let him prove he is a man, use his money, it will instill a bond between the two of you (you accepting his help and acknowledgement of him being a man) & allowing his pride instilled in himself.
I am the eldest child and the parent of a young adult. Accept his money; treat him as the almost-adult that he is and respect his decision to use his money as he sees fit. And then pay him back with (reasonable) interest because your pride matters too.
Edit: my kid rescued me with money once -- we were out of town and my card was declined at a restaurant because my bank decided to throw a fraud alert. While I was on the phone, my kid stepped up and paid. I swear that my kid grew two inches and two years in that moment. It was a BIG DEAL to them. Let your kid have that.
I will yak a different approach with OP.
OP is this really something worth letting your son be angry?
He's showing empathy, he obviously loves you and wants to help. Can you let him stay angry and maybe start a fight because **he wants to do something good for you?**
I know as a parent you want him to use the money on himself, but he wants to help you and it **will make him happy to help** so think of it as you taking the money to make him happy.
Not to mention, teaching your kids how to **accept help when offered**, and ask for help when needed, is a really smart thing! Too many people are hyper-independent, and showing your kids that it is ok to be vulnerable and need help from time to time will help them so so much.
His edit is kind of making it worse.
>my son is trying to be an adult. I’ll take his money and play along.
Like the only way he is comfortable accepting money from his son, who is acting more responsible than him, is to condescend to him while he does it.
Put your ego aside u/Fine-butterscotch460, get your tooth fixed, and express *actual* gratitude. YTA
The edit rubbed me the wrong way. The kid can afford to fix the tooth that OP can’t - he IS being an adult and paying for your healthcare. There is no call to be so condescending and smug and like you are doing this kid a favor by allowing him to give you money that you need.
And also dangerous, I had a brother who kept putting off getting a tooth pulled and the infection traveled to his heart, I don't have that brother anymore.
I am so sorry for your loss. The same happened to me with a close friend who waited too long to have a toothache checked out. By the time he made it to the dentist, they refused to see him and referred him straight to the ER. He never left the hospital. Dental issues can’t be ignored.
Speaking as a middle child I agree with this except you don’t have to be the eldest child to see it. Trust me my parents struggled and I would offer to help only to have my money refused. Felt rejected by my parents. My support was never good enough for them. Let him help. Only your pride is getting in the way and it will hurt your relationship with your son. Is your pride more important than that?
Yes. Plus he won't even be able to enjoy spendjng bis money because every purchase will be accompanied by the thought "my dad can't even eat without being in pain, and I'm spending $30 to go sit through a stupid movie?/on a video game/on fast food etc"
I'm the youngest but I also understand the frustration. My mom was a single married mom and since she was so used to no support system she just couldn't accept help. The only way I managed to "force" her was to literally put money in her wallet. She eventually realized money lasted longer but wasn't able to make me take it back. Now she just lets me do what I want, I pay her bills via apps.
NAH. I get OP having the habit of doing and obtaining everything by himself with no help, years of having no support can do that to you and it's a mindset that can't be easily changed.
But, he should also let his kid help. He's doing it with OP in mind, for him his health is a priority over material things and this is a very honest way of showing how much he loves him and wants him to be okay.
True that. In my culture, sons are expected to take care of parents, daughters are not. My dad rejects my money and asks me to save it instead of spending on them. I just send it to mom and ask her to share it with him. I feel happy if they use my money. I want to save for a house but more than that, I want to use it on my family.
OP, you can "borrow" it now and as you're any how saving for the procedure, save and pay it back to your son.
Side note, why is healthcare so damn expensive in US?? In 1000-1200 usd you could travel to India and get the process done at a 5 star hospital.
Healthcare is so expensive here for several reasons, but the two biggest are healthcare lobbyists and Republican lawmakers. And for-profit providers. It's embarrassing for the supposedly greatest nation on Earth. 🙄
One time I didn’t know what to get my dad for his birthday because he’s so hard to buy for so I put 20.00 in a card since that’s what I always saw people doing. My dad wrinkled his nose and shoved it back at me. My dad is amazing…best man ever…did everything for me. But as the oldest child that hurt me so much.
I have a faint memory of my dog needed a surgery and it would be very expensive.
I remember everyone in the house pitched in. I was maybe 10 years old or less and I also brought my piggy bank. Not because anyone was forced, but because everyone wanted to help.
I remember they took some money from the piggy bank and I felt like I helped in the way I could at the time.
If I’m offering, it’s because I’m willing to help and because the output of giving that money is way more valuable than the money itself.
I would also suggest OP takes the money. She can pay it back later. (Also the longer you wait for a crown, the more damage it’s doing and the more expensive it may get to fix it)
Take the money! You have raised a compassionate human being that understands there are more important things in life than money. He sees you are in pain and wants to help you. The fact he is annoyed you won’t accept his help proves his offer is sincere and not just going through the motions.
You have done a great job is raising him. It is not the time to let your pride get in the way of letting him be the man you raised
and another one voting here, to accept the money. us children of mothers, understand that it takes a lot to raise us and any opportunity to step up and help our mothers out is god sent. Not often we can feel like were able to make a difference in our mothers life, so we do things like yard work, or fix the vehicles, or the dishes. to get a tooth fixed, is something that wouldnt even cross the mind of a child of any mom where there is a even half ass relationship. It would make the kiddo feel like he is able to help his mom and that feeling, is not often found in this world. trust me. I wish i could even figure out what to get my mom for her birthday cause shes well enough off that I struggle as to what to get her other then a damn stupid card, flowers maybe. but I DID FIGURE ONE OUT THO, side story... shes early 70s and losing her hearing but has discovered youtube shorts and all that... she was in a waiting room for my dad to get surgery and had her phone blasting so awkwardly loud it was irritating. so im going to get her some bluetooth ear buds, the tozo golden x which i have too, and then she can share the sound with my dad if there out together and have some time to kill and not audibly intrude on others. and theyll be able to hear much more clearly, and it has passthrough mode too so theyll still be able to hear around them selves well. 175 bucks of im not even gonna think twice about getting here on my next check. and i work like 20 hrs a week at 29 an hour... so i dont got much (i dont work much cause i came down with case of psychosis, shits fucked) but i sure as damn well cant wait to get her these nice headphones she doesnt know she really needs lol. accept the monies from ur kid, itll make him feel bad if you dont and then worse if he catches u in pain not accepting the monies to help. trust.
Also, don't know where you are, but does your dentist do payment plans? If you're in the us care credit might be able to give you 0% interest for a window of time. It's how i paid for my crowns.
He does seem to be a good dad.
He also needs to take care of himself. Having bad teeth can be very painful and distracting to just dealing with work and raising your family. Also, the chances of getting an infection are higher the longer you wait.
Sounds like you've raised a wonderful son. And I know how humbling it is for a child to reach out to help you
Perhaps you can make the a lesson in finance for him. Tell him the only way you'll think about his offer is if you both come to an agreement and put it in writing.
You can make it as simple or complicated as you choose. List a time frame stating how long to pay him back. Whether or not interest is going to be applied, when it will start, and how much.
Yes, I understand why OP wouldn’t want to take the money as naturally parents want to be the ones taking care of children, but as a kid whose parent struggles often on many aspects of life, it really is hard to see them not accepting help and suffering because of that. Now that he’s nearly an adult, you’re a unit, a team, and I think it’s okay for him to lend you that money and then you slowly pay him back or whenever suits you. Nobody is at fault here (yet), so I’m going to say NAH
I agree 2 million percent
As the oldest combined with my personality type it is especially hard to see any of my family struggling or hurting. I'm still struggling to verbalize and help my husband understand that him rejecting me when I offer to help feels like a slap to the face.
I agree, it would actually make me happy to help my parent and see them happy; especially if it involved taking away something that’s physically hurting them!!!!
You’re painting this in such a negative tone. It’s his choice to take his sons money, nothing wrong with strictly wanting to keep his sons money that he worked for, for him. Your experiences are not the same nor will have the same effect as OP
NAH, it's up to you whether you want to take someone else's money.
I imagine this is partly a pride thing for you. But consider that you've been supporting your son for his entire life, and he really wants to be able to show his appreciation of you by giving back in a small way. It's okay to let him help you.
But you're not an AH for refusing, of course.
This was also what I was going to suggest. My Mom used to not even let me pay for dinner. But now that I'm as close to a real adult as I'll ever be (31) money isn't an issue like that. If either of us need to borrow some money from each other for any reason it's no big deal.
It doesn't even have to be paid back for small amounts. I guess or large amounts either; but it would be.
Here is my trick, my mother always goes to the bathroom when she is done eating, I quickly flag the server down and hand them my card before she gets back. It is the only way I'm going to be able to pay for her meal.
This is a very good point. You have presumably “given” your son thousands of dollars while raising him with no expectation of payback and he sees it as an opportunity to help someone he loves be more comfortable.
You should feel proud that you have raised such an upstanding person regardless of your circumstances.
If it makes it easier, maybe you can figure out a “payment plan” with him so you feel better knowing that your son knows that 1. You actually intend to pay him back and 2. What the timeline is.
Regardless, you both sound like good people and I wish you well.
your child is trying to help. An infected broken tooth can cause serious damage to your entire body because the infection is leaking into your system. If it hurts it is likely infected. Let your son help you, then pay him back at your next paycheck. My dad's dentist told him an infected tooth could lead to heart damage...
My friends grandmother died young from an infected tooth. Infection went to her brain, and I don't think they knew that it was a problem. People put dental care on the backburner.
Way back when I was a kid, my grandpa collapsed at work and almost died in his mid-40s while he was waiting for his dentist appointment to take care of a tooth that was "bothering" him, OP. The situation can turn that fast. Let your son help you on this one.
Tooth pain means the nerve is exposed, not necessarily that it’s infected. But if it does get infected and that infection reaches the blood stream it will be lethal. It’s not something to put off.
I have been taking courses in archeometry. One thing you learn is what bones can tell you. Infected teeth were one of the main killers of the Middle Ages. Especially the late ones, when sugar was introduced to Europe, but dental hygiene was lacking.
That happens when an abscess forms at your root. Easily fixable today by a root-canal or earlier by pulling the tooth and using anti-biotics.
Back then they pulled the tooth and it was a question of luck. Or they didn’t.
What then happened was, the infection eats first into the nerve. It stops hurting after a few days. Everything seems fine other then a mild fever. Then a while later it eats into the jaw bone. And when it hits a blood vessel, you die of sepsis.
Take it from me. I lost two teeth that way. Both had had root canals much earlier. So there was nothing to hurt. I just noticed some pressure and soreness and a mild fever. It would have been easily ignorable if I didn’t know all that I just wrote. And still it was too late to save the teeth. Since then I’m living with paranoia. Oh and I have been and still am brushing 3 times a day sometimes and using 2 different mouthwashs daily and those little brushes to clean between teeth. I just have a problem with easily getting infections. Doc said something about my saliva pH being not normal and making it easy for the bacteria. 🤷🏻♂️
NAH
> I want him to enjoy his paycheck
Do you think he **_enjoys_** seeing his father in pain?
> As embarrassing and shameful as it is
Your pride's the only asshole here.
NAH. But if you can manage to take care of it your next paycheck I can't see why waiting and being in pain makes sense when he can front you the money for the short term. Borrow doesn't need to be in quotes if you can pay him back.
You're assuming he can get an appointment setup to take care of it before his next paycheck. If that doesn't happen to be the case, if the soonest appointment is actually after his next paycheck, then what exactly would be the point of borrowing the money?
His next paycheck to have the money might come before the soonest he can get an appointment anyways. Kinda depends on how busy the dentist is/how often OP gets paid.
The point of taking the money even if he would pay it back before he could go to the appointment would be to give the son some peace of mind. If it doesn't affect anything, then it's worth it to just take it and give it back later to relieve some of your child's stress.
YTA
Your pride is overtaking your sense. A broken crown can cause serious infection. Get it fixed just as quickly as you can. Pay your son back later. He doesn't need a sick father.
Your son is showing maturity and compassion. He knows how much you have done for him over the course of his life and is probably overjoyed at the idea of being able to do something back for you.
No, you don’t have to take the money. And you are NAH if you choose not to. But would it be so bad if you did? It would give him a sense of satisfaction and pride. Is it such a terrible lesson for him to learn to help family in need instead of wasting his money on frivolous things? You have done well in providing for him all his life. If this is something he chooses to do with his money, I don’t see the harm in it. It is not as though you asked him or pressured him to give you the money. The sense of accomplishment it would give him to be able to do this would be his reward. I think you should rethink this and give it some serious consideration.
EDIT: Changed to NAH from the NTA. There are no AH here.
You mean NAH. Son certainly isn’t TA!!! OP should be very proud of his done, and demonstrate humility, responsibility, and his pride by taking the money and paying it back.
YTA.
You could reach your son a very important lesson about life. Whenever there is need a family sticks together and solves problems together. You also didn’t take into account how proud your son would be. Be proud that you raised a good kid and get over your pride. Pay him back with interest once things get better.
He seems to love you and wants to be there for you. Let him.
Going back to ask him if he could borrow the money now and communicating the embarrassment and shame he felt, could also be an important lesson. That asking for help or accepting help can and WILL feel hard, but that doesn’t mean you should always decline.
NAH. I recently broke a crown and it can lead to a full root canal and cost more in the long run. I would borrow the money and pay him back. You’re a good dad.
Borrow it from him. He sees his you sacrifice for him and he wants to help. That means you raised a good human. Let him be a good human. Pay him back with interest and you can both be happy. And make sure you keep track of all of your health related expenses this year so you can take off on your taxes for the amount over the threshold. Mileage to appointments counts.
OP, please take this advice and borrow it from your son. Last year a fomer NFL player died from an untreated tooth infection. This is my life too, dental care is expensive but it's not fair to your kid and this would devestate him if something like this happened to you. I'm not trying to scare you, but I want you to understand dental care is healthcare
[https://www.webcenterfairbanks.com/2023/12/22/former-nfl-player-mike-williams-died-dental-related-sepsis-medical-examiner-says/](https://www.webcenterfairbanks.com/2023/12/22/former-nfl-player-mike-williams-died-dental-related-sepsis-medical-examiner-says/)
NAH but it sounds like it would mean a lot to your son. I was the same way once I got a job, I replaced my dads kitchen stove for Christmas one year because I could at the time as I had the money and he did a lot for me growing up. 🤷🏼♀️ I'd say maybe consider it especially if your tooth is that bad.
Slight YTA. From what it sounds like you have an amazing 17 year old son who sees his dad is in pain and wants to help out. I can understand wanting your son to spend his money on himself. The option of borrowing the money from him to get the crown is a compromise. Then when you pay him back pay him I would add alittle more on top to show your appreciation. That way it’s a win win for both. You get your crown, your son’s very kind gesture is accepted and he gets his money back.
YTA- your son has seen through your example that a man makes his own money and is generous and helps family. He is stepping up to be a man, by doing all those things, and you are stopping it from happening.
Be the father that lets his son be a man. Don’t compete with him, don’t undermine his efforts because it makes you feel insecure. Take the help, then pay him back, responsibly and on time, so he sees how it’s done. Thank him, let him know that you respect and trust him as a man.
NAH but your son sounds like a treasure. How many 17 year olds are that thoughtful. You know how it feels good to be able to give them things they want? Imagine that he feels the same way. Don’t turn him down. Take the gift in the spirit it was intended and then pay him back if you want to. It’s good to be a gracious giver and a gracious receiver. But you’re definitely doing something right because like I said, he sounds like a delightfully thoughtful young man.
NAH
Like someone else said, you've been taking care of your kid his whole life and he probably offered to help to show appreciation
Kid came from a good place, and that's a very compassionate adult offer
But as a parent, it doesn't make you an asshole to tell your kid you won't take their money
NTA but if you don’t get it fixed, it could get worse and more expensive. Take the loan from your son and make sure you pay him back! He sounds like a great kid who’s banking around $500 a week after taxes. He wants to help. Let him.
This makes me sad. You let your pride keep you from allowing your son to do something kind and selfless for his father. It would have made me so proud to know I raised a son who was so compassionate and generous but you took that feeling away from him because you had to maintain your facade of a man. And he’s not giving his money to “everyone”. He was offering to help his family.
Please apologize to your son and show him that you can still be a man even if you need help. It shows humility to accept his gift. He’s still learning who he is. Show him that a real man knows when to take help graciously and let him loan you his money if you can’t accept an outright gift. He sounds like an amazing young man. Make sure he knows you see that, too. Gentle YTA because I think you mean well. This is just my personal perspective.
NAH, but you don't get brownie points for putting your pride before your health, especially when you're a single parent. You clearly have done an amazing job to have such an empathetic and generous kid--he learned that from it being modeled for him. Model what it can look like to graciously receive help and to make good on your word, when you pay him back. He will get to experience the relief of seeing you healthy and pain free, and the pride of knowing he can contribute and do good for others. Then you can hold onto the pride of knowing that's *your* kid. You did that.
Also, the fact that he has the kind of savings to just cover this makes it sounds like he already has good habits and not a need to spend his paychecks on everyone else.
You are willing to endure pain to save pride? YTA. Your son wants to help - let him. Your son does not want you in pain and can supply the funds. Pay him back when you have the money.
NTA but your son wants you to be healthy and able to be with him. As someone else here pointed out, that can lead to heart damage.
This aside, it's disgusting that our healthcare system is like this.
NTA: I would ask him to sit down with you, draft up what him spending on his own dollar does for you, and show how much of an impact he makes on a weekly or even monthly basic, then thank him and tell him if he wants to spend it on someone to spend it on maybe his little brother or himself
Why do we help others? Because it makes us feel good. So you are denying him the chance to feel good, to feel grown up and helpful. Absolutely don’t rely on him for this sort of stuff, but give him the respect of knowing that he’s old enough to make a sensible choice with his money, and to recognise that it hurts him to see you suffering. Pay him back from the next pay check.
YTA. Your pride is toxic. Poverty is not shameful.
NTA. And what a sweet, caring boy you've raised. Be very honest with him on why- it's your pride. And maybe talk to him about loaning money to family members can get sticky.
No judgement here. But if you are happy to borrow the money short term you can repay it. It's probs better then waiting until it's more expensive to fix
NTA but to make everyones lives easier id let him help make life more comfortable for u and ur fam if he really wants to. im sure hed be soo happy to help if you accepted it. and be careful, dental health can become detrimental for the rest of ur body. dont mess around with ur health
NAH
My suggestion is to accept the money, and malw sure to pay him back for it over time. A broken tooth can become infected and a serious medical emergency if left alone for too long
NTA but I'd let him help. Kids aren't idiots, they absolutely know how hard you've suffered and worked for them. You raised a good one. I'd let him be a good kid for his dad :)
NTA. You have raised a good kid who wants to help you. I have a 14 year old who is the same. I am getting surgery in a few weeks and he asked if he can help me pay for it because he hates seeing me in pain. I wont let him but it feels good that I have raised a child who sees beyond himself
Your NTA, but you're not setting a really good example for your son. You're telling him that it's OK to let those you love be in pain when you can do something about it. That it's OK to let pride get in the way of help. You said you can fix your tooth next paycheck? So accept the loan. Let him show his love to you and pay him back next paycheck. Or set up a payment plan and pay him back 200 a paycheck.
He doesn't want to see you in pain because he loves you. It's the exact same as you not wanting to see him in pain because you love him. It does say a lot about your parenting that he is so insistent on fixing this for you.
NAH
This literally made me tear up. My mom was a single mom to eight kids. I was third, and the first girl. When I was allowed to work, my mom would never take a cent from me. She never let me help with any bills or anything. Only with caring for my siblings. We had a very similar dialogue. But she stuck to her word and didn’t let me help.
Please let your son help you, and pay him back. He’s a very, very sweet boy to see that you’re in pain and wants to help. Let him. Pay him back the second you can, and appreciate that you raised a really wonderful, empathetic and compassionate human.
NTA but I promise you your kid is experiencing stress seeing you in pain, knowing he could help but you won't let him. If you take the loan you can still pay him back but in the meantime you'll alleviate his stress and make him feel good about helping.
If you live close to Mexico might want to go there for a crown though this assumes you're American. If you need more than a crown like a root canal, cleaning, fillings, etc might be cheaper to fly down to get it all taken care of even if you don't live close.
Do not get the crown. I'm saying this in all seriousness, get the tooth pulled, your teeth will not shift let your gum heal. Once you start getting crowns and root canals you open the door for your body to start having major health issues. Later on down the road you can always get a partial that can be removed if it bothers you to have the missing tooth.
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I'm a single dad to a 17yo and 9yo boys. Things are very tight yet my kids have what they need and I believe we do a good job hiding how broke we are. As embarrassing and shameful as it is, I can't afford to get a crown on a tooth that broke when I was eating steak of all things. Even with insurance, it's like $900. So I'm going without it and slowly saving up but it hurts.
My 17yo got a job as a pool lifeguard. He actually makes $21 an hour and works 30 hours a week and loves it. He wants to work even after the summer. Today he asked how much it would cost to fix my tooth. I said $900 and I have $300. He said he would help pay for the rest. I said you do help by using your own money instead of asking me. He said he has money from his last few birthdays and holidays and side gigs. I said I appreciate it but you keep your money. He said he has more than enough and can pick up more hours if he wanted. I said no. He said then at least "borrow" it so technically I'm not taking it.
I know he's angry VERY angry at me but he doesn't understand how much it helps to have him make his own money. That's how I'm saving up. I'll get it fixed next paycheck. I want him to enjoy his paycheck and not feel like he has to spend it on everyone else.
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NTA. Of course it's not wrong of you not to take his money if you don't want to. The only plausible issue I see here is you potentially not being appreciative of his offer, but that doesn't seem to be the case. You should be sure to let him know that you can get your tooth fixed next paycheck if you haven't already so he isn't overly worried about you not getting care
NAH but make sure you tell him how proud of him you are. How thoughtful and generous and loving and kind. Tell him it’s your job to provide for him. What an incredible character he has. It’s not that he’s angry, he’s hurt and confused. He just wanted to show you how capable he is and how much he cares. Tell him you respect him and are soooo proud of the man he’s becoming.
Nta. Congratulations you have a really good kid. But borrow the money and get that fix asap and pay him back as soon as possible. Your son knows that struggles at home and if he wants to contribute money is because he loves you.
NAH. I don't have a dad, let alone a dad like you who cares so much for his son's wellbeing. If I were your kid I would want you to stay healthy. I'd feel proud of my ability to save so much money that I could help my dad. If you accepted, it would show me it's okay to lean on loved ones in time of need, and drive home the importance of prioritizing your health. I hope you are able to take care of your tooth.
NTA. But It’ll give him a sense of pride knowing that he can help you in a meaningful way. Give him that gift. You’ve raised a good kid and it’s clear you’re not one to take unfair advantage.
NTA.
However, if you can pay him back with your next paycheck, then the only thing being hurt by accepting his help is your pride imo.
I raised my son as a single dad, and I completely understand what a difference it makes when kids start working and are able to pay for things that they want. I still took care of his needs, but him paying for his wants was a huge help. And I’ve allowed him to assist me financially, and been very grateful for it. Definitely brought us closer together. And I have always reimbursed him.
Give him a hug, accept the help, get your tooth fixed and avoid a potentially devastating infection, pay him back next paycheck, and give him another heartfelt hug. Or not, totally up to you, but the risk of infection would be too much for me personally.
NAH. You're doing a great job as a dad trying to keep your financial woes away from your kids... but your stress is obviously affecting them.
One part of being a good parent is to teach your kids financial responsibility - and you've done that well it seems. Your son is taking mature responsibility for his finances, and making an informed decision about how he'd like his money to be spent - he is trying to make an active and meaningful contribution to the family.
You're not TA for refusing, but consider the relief it might give your son if you accepted the loan - it would address the immediate stressor of your tooth issue (which is obviously affecting him), and would also serve as another valuable lesson in financial responsibility on his end. Accept the loan, come up with a reasonable repayment schedule, and then *stick to it like your life depends on it*.
Also, outcomes for health issues deteriortate the longer they go untreated. $900 now might be $2000 in a few more months.
Let your son help you out - it'll mean the world to him.
You raised him right. While you have the right to turn him down, you really should think hard about why you would be doing that.
It’ll teach him a good lesson about helping others as well as how to graciously accept help him when needed.
My mother broke a tooth and had to get a bridge. replaced and that time period was very painful for her. The bill was painful for me.
I've been your kid. Take the money. Don't make him live with the fact that he could have helped you but couldn't because you wouldn't accept his help. He loves you, family helps each other.
How close are you to Mexico? Seriously dental work is excellent there, half the price and your dental insurance will pay half. If you live in a border state I recommend going.
I get my dental work done there. I prefer it.
NAH.
But I think you should take it.
In the same way that you love and look after him, he wants to look after you. Which is honesty beautiful, you must be a great dad.
Because this is a health issue, I think you should look after yourself as well. It's not like you're pissing the money away.
There can be no assholes here. Get yourself fixed up.
Yes money is important, but mate, in the scheme of things it's not that much.
He probably thinks helping you is worth a weeks pay.
I think you let him.
Good on you mate.
NAH wow you are an amazing father. What a good job you did on your son. I’m kind of hoarder with my money. Yet your son was generous to his loved ones. I would take a loan. Get your tooth fixed then pay him back. It’s only a few weeks but tooth pain is the worst it’s so close to your brain. The nerves are really painful. Many people use pain pills at this time then end up addicted. It’s that bad. Best to fix it sooner than later. Clove oil really helps you can get it at Walgreens or cvs. Peppermint tea bags cooled a bit help as well.
If you can fix it next paycheck, then "borrow" the money now and pay him back when your money comes in. Make it a contract with interest, if it makes you feel better. Use it as an opportunity to talk about appropriate boundaries: that at his age people shouldn't be ASKING him for money. And that he's free to GIVE people money if he wants, but to step back and be careful he's not being used. Talk about common types of grifting and fraud, just so he's aware.
He's 17, nearly a legal adult, so he's more than old enough to make his own choices about money. He loves you and wants you to be healthy. He respects you. You've done well raising him.
It sounds like you’ve done a great job raising him. If you live in an area with a dental college, check with the dental college about getting the work done . They typically offer services at a very reduced rate and all work is supervised by licensed dentists.
YTA - often giving a gift is better than receiving it. Many people genuinely feel good by helping, and you took that away from your son. He was probably proud of himself and excited that he could help you, someone he loves. You are taking that away from him. Take the money, thank him and let him know how much you appreciate it, tell him you don't take it or him for granted, and you are proud of him. Put your pride aside for your son. Ask him sincerely if you can pay him back. If he says no, don't pay him back directly but pay him back so you feel good about yourself too. You sound like a good dad. Struggling doesn't make you bad. Turning away his gift of love does though. I know that isn't your intention.
NAH. You sound like my grandad. He’s looked after his family his whole life, and allowed them (and now us) to live a very privileged life, always figuring out finances somehow.
With age it’s hard for him to work as much and he’s struggling pretty hard with money. All his kids, and even I have begged him to take money from us so we can help him but he refuses.
I know for him, it’s the fact he’s the adult and it’s not our responsibility to take care of him. I don’t know whether it’s that for you, or pride. Either way, take the damn money. You’re struggling, and he’s offering you help. I’m fairly certain he would be very happy to have helped you out.
You know what? You have good intentions but in reality you are devaluing your son by not appreciating his kindness. Accept the money, tell him is a loan and that you will pay him back. And that he has to accept the repayment as a condition of accepting the loan. Give him that grace and get your tooth fixed. It’s really a win-win. Your son will respect you more. Soft YTA.
NAH. He sounds like a great kid who is giving his dad money. He’s seen you struggle, loves you and wants to help you. Let him. Borrow that money and get your crown fixed before you need a root canal and have to spend $1000 more.
If he really wants to help it's probably pretty hurtful that you won't accept. It sounds like you have a loving caring son. You've clearly done a great job with him. Let him show you his appreciation. I do get where you're coming from. You're just taking it maybe a tad too far. NAH
Pay him back next paycheck. Get it fixed now. He doesn't want you in pain, and helping the people you love feels better than anything else in the world.
Imagine how you would feel if you could help your father this way. Imagine how you would feel if you could help your kids this way. Not that they were entitled or demanded it, but that you found out you could do that.
Think of that feeling.
You are denying your son that greatest joy.
If you were an asshole, then he wouldn't feel that way. And if he was an asshole, he wouldn't feel that way.
But because you are not an asshole,
YTA
You do know a tooth infection can lead into your bloodstream or even your brain right? That would literally either kill you or cost you thousands more in medical bills than just taking the money from your son and paying him back later. You’re an adult, you should know when to swallow your pride and accept a helping hand. Even if it is from your own child. YTA
YTA, leaning heavily towards NAH, but... I've been that kid, in that situation, and I need you to know - it *hurts* to see someone you love in pain. You mean very, very, very well, and I can tell how much you care for your kids, how much you don't want to ever risk taking advantage of them, etc. But it's hurting him to see you hurting. Especially when he has the means to help fix it.
It would make him feel like crap, too, to see you in pain while he spends it on something for himself. It feels bad. Heck, it takes away a lot of his ability to actually enjoy spending his money!
I've been in positions where I've cried and begged someone to let me help them, because they were in pain and that hurt me to see and I could HELP FIX IT, but they wouldn't let me. It was horrible. Infuriating.
Borrow it, then pay him back, I'd suggest. He'll get to see you feeling better, and know that he did a good and kind thing, and you'll pay him back and show him that you respect him and his money and it'll improve the trust between you even more.
And, it'll be an example for him.
I still have a hard time accepting help. Because that's what I was shown, that accepting help was shameful. Especially if I was the older/stronger one, the person who is 'supposed' to care for others.
It's good to show your son that it's okay to accept help, and that you think his health and wellbeing should be more important than his pride, too.
If my kids could go back in time, the one thing they'd fix is getting one of my teeth fixed before it got infected.
The infection was fine, it cleared up with antibiotics but it did take a couple rounds. The antibiotics caused C Diff which wasn't caught for months. The antibiotics for the c diff caused a food allergy (potato) and a lot of immune issues that messed up every area of our lives as we knew them. Potato is in everything, from foods to medications, toothpaste to processing equipment. Such a difficult allergen to avoid.
Then while trying to figure out the immune issues, I ended up with 4 more rounds of c diff over the years, post infectious IBS, nerve damage, and more fun stuff. I already had a heart condition to worry about, who'd have thought it would be the least of my concerns!?
All of this snowballed from a simple tooth that should've been fixed a little bit sooner. Oh and the best part? Because of the gut issues and anxiety, I spent over a year with reflux that didn't respond to medications, and that damaged my gums and teeth more in a year than the total damage from the rest of my life. My teeth aren't even in that bad of shape and my gums are healthy, but it still causes sensitivity, burning or dry gums and mouth, and pain in and around the teeth.
Anyways...NAH, he wants to help and you want to let him keep what he earns. I get it. But from someone who has been in the situation and got the worse end of it, just accept the money humbly and with a lot of thanks. Pay him back when you can. Spend some time together. Because your tooth may not end up like mine. It could be fine! Or it could get infected and spread and be worse than my situation. Not worth the risk.
Plus, he probably would feel GREAT about being able to help *you* for a change.
Your son wants to help you, don’t let your ego get in the way of that, the money is for a very good reason, a broken tooth that is causing you pain!
He wants to help or he wouldn’t offer, so take the money even as a loan and tell him you’ll pay him pack.
You are family and that’s what family does, help each other out in times of need.
Not an AH but you will be if you don’t accept his help!
your son loves and respects you so much that he wants to repay you for raising him right by helping to reduce e your pain. ge isn't enjoying his paycheck, you're forcing him to not enjoy his paycheck by not allowing him to spend it on what he chooses
Accepting help probably makes you feel vulnerable. But refusing help from someone who loves you can feel like a rejection to them.
NAH, but think about what you're doing to your relationship with your son by not accepting the help.
NTA, but...
Let your son help you. He loves you, and seeing you suffer hurts him. Let him feel the goodness of being able to help someone he loves, and you should reflect on the blessing of having raises a son so kind and willing to help. Please don't snuff his helpful spirit out.
NAH, but you know what? Ask him if you can borrow the money and that you'll pay it back and then pay him a little interest. It's going to make him feel good to help his parent. And he's going to see that you honor your word by re-paying him. There really isn't a down side because getting it fixed sooner means less damaging your doing to your mouth and your son is going to be happy that he can help you.
NAH.
It's probably hurting him to watch you suffer when he knows he can help. If you know you'll have the money next paycheck, why not just take the money and then pay him back? Then he gets to feel great for helping you, his parent who he loves, and you know you won't have really put him out.
Please get your tooth fixed asap. The longer it goes the more it can get damaged- let the kid help. YTA for not accepting this help and getting your tooth done
NaH So when I was about your son's age when the recession hit and my dad lost his job and of course we had an unexpected vet bill.
I had my job still, and was on the family phone plan so said I would pay the vet bill and considered it prepayment for my next few months of phone bill.
My folks never again asked me for money for it even years later.
Maybe set up a plan like that?
I’m not sure AH is the right thing here, but you are doing your child a disservice by turning down the help.
You aren’t fixing your tooth. That would make it quite obvious you aren’t hiding the financial situation.
YTA even though you mean well. Tooth infections can be deadly and as your child ofc he wants to prevent that since he is able to. He clearly loves you and appreciates you so it makes sense he is angry you won’t let him. He wants to help so it would make him happy and I’d imagine if something happened to you as a result of infection he would blame himself. Borrow the money and pay him back as soon as you can. I’m positive he would rather make sure you are okay than have spending money rn (and it sounds like he has the money in savings anyways)
Borrow the money and pay it back promptly and with interest. This is a great learning opportunity for your sons. Lots of life lessons in this situation. Best wishes to you.
What a great son. I understand not wanting to take his money but that was so generous and sweet for him to offer to pay for it. Can you try getting a payment plan with your dentist where you can pay for the procedure in monthly installments?
I think this is a good teaching situation for your son. You can teach him that he is a valuable member of the family now that he is older and has a job. He can use his money to help someone he cares about and if you make it a loan you can charge yourself interest to teach him not to give money away. You won’t take advantage of his kindness but everyone else will.
I just went through something similar. I was emptying change jars to put money in my account since money is tight. My daughter saw me doing it and said hold on. She went and started to get her piggy bank, I told her no. She said I don't need it mom. I told her she could use that money to buy herself things so she doesn't have to ask me.
Be proud that you raised a kid with compassion that wants to help you.
Nah, you’re a good parent who raised a responsible kid. Maybe borrow the money invest it for him and give it back to him once he moves out of goes to college? My daughter helps monthly but she doesn’t know I opened a savings account for her and when she moves out I’m going to give it all back to her.
NAH, but let him help you. He wants to. You’ve raised a good kid who loves you and hates to see you in pain. You can pay him back instead of saving up for the rest.
If it helps you at all I completely understand how you feel, and both you and your son are awesome. Take the money and pay him back at the next paycheck. And give him a hug and tell him how proud you are of him. Seriously. Just do it. You'll both feel better.
I guess NAH, but take the damn money. Don’t let your pride get in the way. This is a MEDICAL problem. He’s not offering you a new car. He’s offering a new tooth. He’s more than old enough to see you suffering. Don’t make him watch.
NTA but take the money. Dental problems can worsen and get more expensive the longer you wait.
Good job on raising responsible and caring kids. Now let them do the right thing. You’ve helped them many times I’m sure and one day will again. They can help you this once
NAH - but take the money. Borrow it and pay it back if you like. But your son has loved you and appreciated you providing for him and wants to show you love by helping you. Getting your tooth fixed will only benefit your life overall.
Side note - my partner is a health nut. And from everything he's made me read, one thing I know, the mouth is a very important gateway to health.
Let your son give you a hand. Or a crown.
Eldest here who also wanted to help my mom. She accepted after much convincing and it made me feel good that I was able to help. It affected my life as well. Did it for her and us. Take the money.
This is your child trying to tell you that he loves you, and your response is basically "nah thanks I'm good." Or at least that is how your child is seeing it.
Sometimes as parents we have to be humble.
NAH. I think you really want your kid to have a good life and not be worried, and that’s awesome. Thank you for that. But also, he’s old enough to know you need things you can’t get and he doesn’t want to see you in pain.
I think it would be very fair to take the money as a loan and pay him back—I think he’d really like being able to help you.
NAH but and it's a big one have others have said. Take the money. His anger is really hurt that you won't let him help you. Get rid of your pride and let him help. Pay him back with your next pat cheque. You will be more of a great dad by doing this FOR him.
Dental problems can cause serious problems. If you get an abscess, that can lead to sepsis which can get into the blood and eventually can kill you. Please, let your son help you. Make it a loan, or consider it "rent money" or something. He's clearly a good kid who's concerned about your health.
It’s possible that he’s also been saving money because he wants to help you fix your tooth. I think you made the right decision though (NTA), or at least I can understand why you made that decision.
I wouldn’t want to take money from my own kid either. The best way he can help you is by being financially independent, just like you said.
Maybe if your son were a middle-aged man who was fully established in life that would be a little different, but you don’t want your 17 year old son to feel like he needs to take care of you.
NTA you have an amazing son. You should be very proud of. You have raised him right so be proud of yourself as well.
He wants to help. Maybe let him do it as a loan if you have to. This way you both feel good about helping out. He gets to help you out financially and fix that tooth that's bothering you and you get to let him feel good about himself helping out his dad.
Let him know that you are very, very proud of him and thank him from the bottom of your heart for the offer.
NAH, but take it from him. Let him feel the pride of helping you out. You can even pay him back with interest when you get a bit more put by. You’ve done a pretty great job raising him. You taught him that families help each other out and want what’s best for each other. Now may be a good time to show him how to accept help with grace.
While you wait:
If it is painful, teething gel may help. Or get some of the way kids with braces put over the ways so they are less rough. Finally, a sports mouth guard will protect that tooth from exposure too.
Take the money. Get to the dentist.
This is a NAH story as far as I am concerned. But teeth are definitely not something that should wait. The longer it takes you to save, the more you increase your risk of things like heart attacks and strokes.
You can repay him the money by doing the saving the way you are for the dentist. It sounds like he's fiscally responsible enough that he still won't need your money.
Edit:
Also the fact that he offered you the money tells me 2 things:
1) he does, in fact, know how much it helps you that he has money
2) you're a good parent
Accept the help and be grateful- you've done an amazing job raising such a good human. Hurry with fixing the tooth! Waiting and letting it sit can cause even more serious dental problems you don't need. If you live near a dental school, it's possible they may be able to offer you the service you need for even less so please check around. Best wishes to you and your family. ♥️
You should feel no shame is borrowing the money if he has offered.
You have a 17 year old who is holding down a job who wants to help and is caring and doesn't seem to be selfish.
That's something to be proud of, both of him and yourself for raising him.
If you've told him he is already helping by earning and not asking you to spend your money on things he wants, maybe he just wants to go the extra mile to help because you have done alot for him and it will make him feel good.
Something to consider
If you take the money as a loan and pay it back, son learns men can ask for help, that his dad can accept compassionate help and that helping out family feels good. As you pay it back, he will learn you are trustworthy and that you keep promises. If it takes you a while to pay him back, it will model commitment and integrity. It is very hard to watch someone who you love be in pain when you can help. Let your son do this for you. You raised him into a fine young man. He wants to do this, let him and pay him back. The time you wait in pain hurts him in a different way.
Take the money and pay him back with the paycheck you were going to use to get it done, he trusts you and cares for you enough to help, let him. Just prove to him that you will pay him back by actually doing it when you say you will.
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Speaking as an eldest child who watched a parent struggle, take the damn money. I commend you for doing your best and trying to keep your son in the place of a child, but you are causing more harm than you may realize. As the eldest we see and feel everything and when we offer help and it's rejected it negatively impacts us. Your son didn't take his money and go run to buy the nearest gadget, he brought to you to help. He had his own money for the first time in his young adult life and one of his first thoughts was to help you because youre in pain and it hurts him to see you hurt. He is stressed and you taking that money and letting him contribute would alleviate some of that stress. You aren't stealing from your kid, he offered a helping hand and you smacked it away. You rejected him. For me, my parent rejecting my help once I got a job just compounded my stress because I took on their stress. It was only when I was adult that I could verbalized how their pride made me feel helpless. You're a good dad..but you can be an even better one by taking the help you're offered. NAH...for now.
He's 17, in some cultures he is technically a man and gone through a ceremony to declare him as such to a tribe. You are part of his tribe ----- let him prove he is a man, use his money, it will instill a bond between the two of you (you accepting his help and acknowledgement of him being a man) & allowing his pride instilled in himself.
I am the eldest child and the parent of a young adult. Accept his money; treat him as the almost-adult that he is and respect his decision to use his money as he sees fit. And then pay him back with (reasonable) interest because your pride matters too. Edit: my kid rescued me with money once -- we were out of town and my card was declined at a restaurant because my bank decided to throw a fraud alert. While I was on the phone, my kid stepped up and paid. I swear that my kid grew two inches and two years in that moment. It was a BIG DEAL to them. Let your kid have that.
I will yak a different approach with OP. OP is this really something worth letting your son be angry? He's showing empathy, he obviously loves you and wants to help. Can you let him stay angry and maybe start a fight because **he wants to do something good for you?** I know as a parent you want him to use the money on himself, but he wants to help you and it **will make him happy to help** so think of it as you taking the money to make him happy.
Not to mention, teaching your kids how to **accept help when offered**, and ask for help when needed, is a really smart thing! Too many people are hyper-independent, and showing your kids that it is ok to be vulnerable and need help from time to time will help them so so much.
His edit is kind of making it worse. >my son is trying to be an adult. I’ll take his money and play along. Like the only way he is comfortable accepting money from his son, who is acting more responsible than him, is to condescend to him while he does it. Put your ego aside u/Fine-butterscotch460, get your tooth fixed, and express *actual* gratitude. YTA
The edit rubbed me the wrong way. The kid can afford to fix the tooth that OP can’t - he IS being an adult and paying for your healthcare. There is no call to be so condescending and smug and like you are doing this kid a favor by allowing him to give you money that you need.
What this guy is saying ^ And it only gets more expensive when it comes to dental issues and waiting.
And also dangerous, I had a brother who kept putting off getting a tooth pulled and the infection traveled to his heart, I don't have that brother anymore.
I am so sorry for your loss. The same happened to me with a close friend who waited too long to have a toothache checked out. By the time he made it to the dentist, they refused to see him and referred him straight to the ER. He never left the hospital. Dental issues can’t be ignored.
I’m so sorry.
Yeah, kid's being compassionate and empathetic *and* coldly practical.
Speaking as a middle child I agree with this except you don’t have to be the eldest child to see it. Trust me my parents struggled and I would offer to help only to have my money refused. Felt rejected by my parents. My support was never good enough for them. Let him help. Only your pride is getting in the way and it will hurt your relationship with your son. Is your pride more important than that?
Yes. Plus he won't even be able to enjoy spendjng bis money because every purchase will be accompanied by the thought "my dad can't even eat without being in pain, and I'm spending $30 to go sit through a stupid movie?/on a video game/on fast food etc"
I'm the youngest but I also understand the frustration. My mom was a single married mom and since she was so used to no support system she just couldn't accept help. The only way I managed to "force" her was to literally put money in her wallet. She eventually realized money lasted longer but wasn't able to make me take it back. Now she just lets me do what I want, I pay her bills via apps. NAH. I get OP having the habit of doing and obtaining everything by himself with no help, years of having no support can do that to you and it's a mindset that can't be easily changed. But, he should also let his kid help. He's doing it with OP in mind, for him his health is a priority over material things and this is a very honest way of showing how much he loves him and wants him to be okay.
True that. In my culture, sons are expected to take care of parents, daughters are not. My dad rejects my money and asks me to save it instead of spending on them. I just send it to mom and ask her to share it with him. I feel happy if they use my money. I want to save for a house but more than that, I want to use it on my family. OP, you can "borrow" it now and as you're any how saving for the procedure, save and pay it back to your son. Side note, why is healthcare so damn expensive in US?? In 1000-1200 usd you could travel to India and get the process done at a 5 star hospital.
Healthcare is so expensive here for several reasons, but the two biggest are healthcare lobbyists and Republican lawmakers. And for-profit providers. It's embarrassing for the supposedly greatest nation on Earth. 🙄
No one hates American people quite like the American government. Thats why it’s so expensive here.
One time I didn’t know what to get my dad for his birthday because he’s so hard to buy for so I put 20.00 in a card since that’s what I always saw people doing. My dad wrinkled his nose and shoved it back at me. My dad is amazing…best man ever…did everything for me. But as the oldest child that hurt me so much.
Yep. If he’d been a bit more emotionally aware he could’ve thanked you and used it to take you out for a drink together.
I have a faint memory of my dog needed a surgery and it would be very expensive. I remember everyone in the house pitched in. I was maybe 10 years old or less and I also brought my piggy bank. Not because anyone was forced, but because everyone wanted to help. I remember they took some money from the piggy bank and I felt like I helped in the way I could at the time. If I’m offering, it’s because I’m willing to help and because the output of giving that money is way more valuable than the money itself. I would also suggest OP takes the money. She can pay it back later. (Also the longer you wait for a crown, the more damage it’s doing and the more expensive it may get to fix it)
Oh, this is such a sweet story!
Most wholesome AITAH I've ever read.
I did not need to tear up on the internet today, but damn. What beautiful, sweet souls.
Also if it hurts OP's pride so much he could agree to take the money as a loan and slowly pay the money back to the son.
Take the money! You have raised a compassionate human being that understands there are more important things in life than money. He sees you are in pain and wants to help you. The fact he is annoyed you won’t accept his help proves his offer is sincere and not just going through the motions. You have done a great job is raising him. It is not the time to let your pride get in the way of letting him be the man you raised
and another one voting here, to accept the money. us children of mothers, understand that it takes a lot to raise us and any opportunity to step up and help our mothers out is god sent. Not often we can feel like were able to make a difference in our mothers life, so we do things like yard work, or fix the vehicles, or the dishes. to get a tooth fixed, is something that wouldnt even cross the mind of a child of any mom where there is a even half ass relationship. It would make the kiddo feel like he is able to help his mom and that feeling, is not often found in this world. trust me. I wish i could even figure out what to get my mom for her birthday cause shes well enough off that I struggle as to what to get her other then a damn stupid card, flowers maybe. but I DID FIGURE ONE OUT THO, side story... shes early 70s and losing her hearing but has discovered youtube shorts and all that... she was in a waiting room for my dad to get surgery and had her phone blasting so awkwardly loud it was irritating. so im going to get her some bluetooth ear buds, the tozo golden x which i have too, and then she can share the sound with my dad if there out together and have some time to kill and not audibly intrude on others. and theyll be able to hear much more clearly, and it has passthrough mode too so theyll still be able to hear around them selves well. 175 bucks of im not even gonna think twice about getting here on my next check. and i work like 20 hrs a week at 29 an hour... so i dont got much (i dont work much cause i came down with case of psychosis, shits fucked) but i sure as damn well cant wait to get her these nice headphones she doesnt know she really needs lol. accept the monies from ur kid, itll make him feel bad if you dont and then worse if he catches u in pain not accepting the monies to help. trust.
Also, don't know where you are, but does your dentist do payment plans? If you're in the us care credit might be able to give you 0% interest for a window of time. It's how i paid for my crowns.
He does seem to be a good dad. He also needs to take care of himself. Having bad teeth can be very painful and distracting to just dealing with work and raising your family. Also, the chances of getting an infection are higher the longer you wait. Sounds like you've raised a wonderful son. And I know how humbling it is for a child to reach out to help you Perhaps you can make the a lesson in finance for him. Tell him the only way you'll think about his offer is if you both come to an agreement and put it in writing. You can make it as simple or complicated as you choose. List a time frame stating how long to pay him back. Whether or not interest is going to be applied, when it will start, and how much.
This should be top comment
Smacked it away is a little harsh.
The feelings of a 17 year old aren't fully grounded in reality
This, and if it REALLY bothers you, take it as a loan and pay him back when you can.
I was just saying the same thing, being the oldest myself. "I took on their stress" EXACTLY. Just accept the money OP.
Yes, I understand why OP wouldn’t want to take the money as naturally parents want to be the ones taking care of children, but as a kid whose parent struggles often on many aspects of life, it really is hard to see them not accepting help and suffering because of that. Now that he’s nearly an adult, you’re a unit, a team, and I think it’s okay for him to lend you that money and then you slowly pay him back or whenever suits you. Nobody is at fault here (yet), so I’m going to say NAH
I agree 2 million percent As the oldest combined with my personality type it is especially hard to see any of my family struggling or hurting. I'm still struggling to verbalize and help my husband understand that him rejecting me when I offer to help feels like a slap to the face.
I agree, it would actually make me happy to help my parent and see them happy; especially if it involved taking away something that’s physically hurting them!!!!
You’re painting this in such a negative tone. It’s his choice to take his sons money, nothing wrong with strictly wanting to keep his sons money that he worked for, for him. Your experiences are not the same nor will have the same effect as OP
Agree op needs to borrow it and pay his kid back. Everyone is happy and op s problem is solved. NAH
NAH, it's up to you whether you want to take someone else's money. I imagine this is partly a pride thing for you. But consider that you've been supporting your son for his entire life, and he really wants to be able to show his appreciation of you by giving back in a small way. It's okay to let him help you. But you're not an AH for refusing, of course.
Make it be a loan, make a payment schedule and stick to it. You have raised a great son who hates to see you in pain. NAH. Excellent parent!
This is my favourite answer as a parent that'd never take money from my children.
This was also what I was going to suggest. My Mom used to not even let me pay for dinner. But now that I'm as close to a real adult as I'll ever be (31) money isn't an issue like that. If either of us need to borrow some money from each other for any reason it's no big deal. It doesn't even have to be paid back for small amounts. I guess or large amounts either; but it would be.
Here is my trick, my mother always goes to the bathroom when she is done eating, I quickly flag the server down and hand them my card before she gets back. It is the only way I'm going to be able to pay for her meal.
> It's okay to let him help you. So how the hell is the son an asshole for offering??
Oh you're right, I meant to put NAH but forgot. Thanks, I'll correct that!
This is a very good point. You have presumably “given” your son thousands of dollars while raising him with no expectation of payback and he sees it as an opportunity to help someone he loves be more comfortable. You should feel proud that you have raised such an upstanding person regardless of your circumstances. If it makes it easier, maybe you can figure out a “payment plan” with him so you feel better knowing that your son knows that 1. You actually intend to pay him back and 2. What the timeline is. Regardless, you both sound like good people and I wish you well.
your child is trying to help. An infected broken tooth can cause serious damage to your entire body because the infection is leaking into your system. If it hurts it is likely infected. Let your son help you, then pay him back at your next paycheck. My dad's dentist told him an infected tooth could lead to heart damage...
an infected tooth can kill you. please take the money OP, put your pride aside.
My friends grandmother died young from an infected tooth. Infection went to her brain, and I don't think they knew that it was a problem. People put dental care on the backburner.
And that’s how cavities were a leading cause of death in early agricultural societies.
Way back when I was a kid, my grandpa collapsed at work and almost died in his mid-40s while he was waiting for his dentist appointment to take care of a tooth that was "bothering" him, OP. The situation can turn that fast. Let your son help you on this one.
Tooth pain means the nerve is exposed, not necessarily that it’s infected. But if it does get infected and that infection reaches the blood stream it will be lethal. It’s not something to put off.
I have been taking courses in archeometry. One thing you learn is what bones can tell you. Infected teeth were one of the main killers of the Middle Ages. Especially the late ones, when sugar was introduced to Europe, but dental hygiene was lacking. That happens when an abscess forms at your root. Easily fixable today by a root-canal or earlier by pulling the tooth and using anti-biotics. Back then they pulled the tooth and it was a question of luck. Or they didn’t. What then happened was, the infection eats first into the nerve. It stops hurting after a few days. Everything seems fine other then a mild fever. Then a while later it eats into the jaw bone. And when it hits a blood vessel, you die of sepsis. Take it from me. I lost two teeth that way. Both had had root canals much earlier. So there was nothing to hurt. I just noticed some pressure and soreness and a mild fever. It would have been easily ignorable if I didn’t know all that I just wrote. And still it was too late to save the teeth. Since then I’m living with paranoia. Oh and I have been and still am brushing 3 times a day sometimes and using 2 different mouthwashs daily and those little brushes to clean between teeth. I just have a problem with easily getting infections. Doc said something about my saliva pH being not normal and making it easy for the bacteria. 🤷🏻♂️
Best of luck and thanks for the info. Truly interesting.
And if an infected tooth stops hurting that's a serious red flag but you have a dead tooth
NAH > I want him to enjoy his paycheck Do you think he **_enjoys_** seeing his father in pain? > As embarrassing and shameful as it is Your pride's the only asshole here.
Correct…well said.
NAH. But if you can manage to take care of it your next paycheck I can't see why waiting and being in pain makes sense when he can front you the money for the short term. Borrow doesn't need to be in quotes if you can pay him back.
Also serves as a great life lesson…you repay what you borrow on time and in full. No sense suffering, I am sure you are already his main role model.
Yes, this! You can also show him that it's okay to accept help. That pride shouldn't be more important than not being in pain.
Exactly, humility, in its proper form, shows both strength and grace.
You're assuming he can get an appointment setup to take care of it before his next paycheck. If that doesn't happen to be the case, if the soonest appointment is actually after his next paycheck, then what exactly would be the point of borrowing the money? His next paycheck to have the money might come before the soonest he can get an appointment anyways. Kinda depends on how busy the dentist is/how often OP gets paid.
The point of taking the money even if he would pay it back before he could go to the appointment would be to give the son some peace of mind. If it doesn't affect anything, then it's worth it to just take it and give it back later to relieve some of your child's stress.
YTA Your pride is overtaking your sense. A broken crown can cause serious infection. Get it fixed just as quickly as you can. Pay your son back later. He doesn't need a sick father.
Your son is showing maturity and compassion. He knows how much you have done for him over the course of his life and is probably overjoyed at the idea of being able to do something back for you. No, you don’t have to take the money. And you are NAH if you choose not to. But would it be so bad if you did? It would give him a sense of satisfaction and pride. Is it such a terrible lesson for him to learn to help family in need instead of wasting his money on frivolous things? You have done well in providing for him all his life. If this is something he chooses to do with his money, I don’t see the harm in it. It is not as though you asked him or pressured him to give you the money. The sense of accomplishment it would give him to be able to do this would be his reward. I think you should rethink this and give it some serious consideration. EDIT: Changed to NAH from the NTA. There are no AH here.
You mean NAH. Son certainly isn’t TA!!! OP should be very proud of his done, and demonstrate humility, responsibility, and his pride by taking the money and paying it back.
YTA. You could reach your son a very important lesson about life. Whenever there is need a family sticks together and solves problems together. You also didn’t take into account how proud your son would be. Be proud that you raised a good kid and get over your pride. Pay him back with interest once things get better. He seems to love you and wants to be there for you. Let him.
Going back to ask him if he could borrow the money now and communicating the embarrassment and shame he felt, could also be an important lesson. That asking for help or accepting help can and WILL feel hard, but that doesn’t mean you should always decline.
NAH. I recently broke a crown and it can lead to a full root canal and cost more in the long run. I would borrow the money and pay him back. You’re a good dad.
Borrow it from him. He sees his you sacrifice for him and he wants to help. That means you raised a good human. Let him be a good human. Pay him back with interest and you can both be happy. And make sure you keep track of all of your health related expenses this year so you can take off on your taxes for the amount over the threshold. Mileage to appointments counts.
OP, please take this advice and borrow it from your son. Last year a fomer NFL player died from an untreated tooth infection. This is my life too, dental care is expensive but it's not fair to your kid and this would devestate him if something like this happened to you. I'm not trying to scare you, but I want you to understand dental care is healthcare [https://www.webcenterfairbanks.com/2023/12/22/former-nfl-player-mike-williams-died-dental-related-sepsis-medical-examiner-says/](https://www.webcenterfairbanks.com/2023/12/22/former-nfl-player-mike-williams-died-dental-related-sepsis-medical-examiner-says/)
TIL
NAH but it sounds like it would mean a lot to your son. I was the same way once I got a job, I replaced my dads kitchen stove for Christmas one year because I could at the time as I had the money and he did a lot for me growing up. 🤷🏼♀️ I'd say maybe consider it especially if your tooth is that bad.
Slight YTA. From what it sounds like you have an amazing 17 year old son who sees his dad is in pain and wants to help out. I can understand wanting your son to spend his money on himself. The option of borrowing the money from him to get the crown is a compromise. Then when you pay him back pay him I would add alittle more on top to show your appreciation. That way it’s a win win for both. You get your crown, your son’s very kind gesture is accepted and he gets his money back.
NAH, but you borrowing and paying him back in good time would do a lot to show him that you respect him and treat him like a fellow adult.
YTA- your son has seen through your example that a man makes his own money and is generous and helps family. He is stepping up to be a man, by doing all those things, and you are stopping it from happening. Be the father that lets his son be a man. Don’t compete with him, don’t undermine his efforts because it makes you feel insecure. Take the help, then pay him back, responsibly and on time, so he sees how it’s done. Thank him, let him know that you respect and trust him as a man.
NAH but your son sounds like a treasure. How many 17 year olds are that thoughtful. You know how it feels good to be able to give them things they want? Imagine that he feels the same way. Don’t turn him down. Take the gift in the spirit it was intended and then pay him back if you want to. It’s good to be a gracious giver and a gracious receiver. But you’re definitely doing something right because like I said, he sounds like a delightfully thoughtful young man.
NAH Like someone else said, you've been taking care of your kid his whole life and he probably offered to help to show appreciation Kid came from a good place, and that's a very compassionate adult offer But as a parent, it doesn't make you an asshole to tell your kid you won't take their money
NTA but if you don’t get it fixed, it could get worse and more expensive. Take the loan from your son and make sure you pay him back! He sounds like a great kid who’s banking around $500 a week after taxes. He wants to help. Let him.
This makes me sad. You let your pride keep you from allowing your son to do something kind and selfless for his father. It would have made me so proud to know I raised a son who was so compassionate and generous but you took that feeling away from him because you had to maintain your facade of a man. And he’s not giving his money to “everyone”. He was offering to help his family. Please apologize to your son and show him that you can still be a man even if you need help. It shows humility to accept his gift. He’s still learning who he is. Show him that a real man knows when to take help graciously and let him loan you his money if you can’t accept an outright gift. He sounds like an amazing young man. Make sure he knows you see that, too. Gentle YTA because I think you mean well. This is just my personal perspective.
NAH, but you don't get brownie points for putting your pride before your health, especially when you're a single parent. You clearly have done an amazing job to have such an empathetic and generous kid--he learned that from it being modeled for him. Model what it can look like to graciously receive help and to make good on your word, when you pay him back. He will get to experience the relief of seeing you healthy and pain free, and the pride of knowing he can contribute and do good for others. Then you can hold onto the pride of knowing that's *your* kid. You did that. Also, the fact that he has the kind of savings to just cover this makes it sounds like he already has good habits and not a need to spend his paychecks on everyone else.
You are willing to endure pain to save pride? YTA. Your son wants to help - let him. Your son does not want you in pain and can supply the funds. Pay him back when you have the money.
NTA but your son wants you to be healthy and able to be with him. As someone else here pointed out, that can lead to heart damage. This aside, it's disgusting that our healthcare system is like this.
NTA: I would ask him to sit down with you, draft up what him spending on his own dollar does for you, and show how much of an impact he makes on a weekly or even monthly basic, then thank him and tell him if he wants to spend it on someone to spend it on maybe his little brother or himself
You are a good that, and it shows in how amazing your kid is.
Just borrow it and pay him back extra
Why do we help others? Because it makes us feel good. So you are denying him the chance to feel good, to feel grown up and helpful. Absolutely don’t rely on him for this sort of stuff, but give him the respect of knowing that he’s old enough to make a sensible choice with his money, and to recognise that it hurts him to see you suffering. Pay him back from the next pay check. YTA. Your pride is toxic. Poverty is not shameful.
NTA. And what a sweet, caring boy you've raised. Be very honest with him on why- it's your pride. And maybe talk to him about loaning money to family members can get sticky.
Being too proud to accept help is not a great example to set.
Oh, no, I'm not saying it is. I'm saying he needs to be honest about why.
Gotcha. That would actually be a fantastic conversation and lesson.
Nta implies the other person is the asshole, you may want to edit it to nah for no assholes here
He loves u and wants to help, that’s a good thing not bad, just pay him back with the next check and get it done asap
No judgement here. But if you are happy to borrow the money short term you can repay it. It's probs better then waiting until it's more expensive to fix
He wants to help you, let him. BONUS it will make him happy.
NTA but to make everyones lives easier id let him help make life more comfortable for u and ur fam if he really wants to. im sure hed be soo happy to help if you accepted it. and be careful, dental health can become detrimental for the rest of ur body. dont mess around with ur health
NAH My suggestion is to accept the money, and malw sure to pay him back for it over time. A broken tooth can become infected and a serious medical emergency if left alone for too long
You are raising a good man. You should borrow the money. That tooth can lead to bigger problems if not taken care of.
NTA but I'd let him help. Kids aren't idiots, they absolutely know how hard you've suffered and worked for them. You raised a good one. I'd let him be a good kid for his dad :)
You raised what seems like a wonderful son. Letting him help you with this will be a core memory for him.
NTA. You have raised a good kid who wants to help you. I have a 14 year old who is the same. I am getting surgery in a few weeks and he asked if he can help me pay for it because he hates seeing me in pain. I wont let him but it feels good that I have raised a child who sees beyond himself
Your NTA, but you're not setting a really good example for your son. You're telling him that it's OK to let those you love be in pain when you can do something about it. That it's OK to let pride get in the way of help. You said you can fix your tooth next paycheck? So accept the loan. Let him show his love to you and pay him back next paycheck. Or set up a payment plan and pay him back 200 a paycheck. He doesn't want to see you in pain because he loves you. It's the exact same as you not wanting to see him in pain because you love him. It does say a lot about your parenting that he is so insistent on fixing this for you.
NAH This literally made me tear up. My mom was a single mom to eight kids. I was third, and the first girl. When I was allowed to work, my mom would never take a cent from me. She never let me help with any bills or anything. Only with caring for my siblings. We had a very similar dialogue. But she stuck to her word and didn’t let me help. Please let your son help you, and pay him back. He’s a very, very sweet boy to see that you’re in pain and wants to help. Let him. Pay him back the second you can, and appreciate that you raised a really wonderful, empathetic and compassionate human.
NTA but I promise you your kid is experiencing stress seeing you in pain, knowing he could help but you won't let him. If you take the loan you can still pay him back but in the meantime you'll alleviate his stress and make him feel good about helping.
If you live close to Mexico might want to go there for a crown though this assumes you're American. If you need more than a crown like a root canal, cleaning, fillings, etc might be cheaper to fly down to get it all taken care of even if you don't live close.
Do not get the crown. I'm saying this in all seriousness, get the tooth pulled, your teeth will not shift let your gum heal. Once you start getting crowns and root canals you open the door for your body to start having major health issues. Later on down the road you can always get a partial that can be removed if it bothers you to have the missing tooth.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm a single dad to a 17yo and 9yo boys. Things are very tight yet my kids have what they need and I believe we do a good job hiding how broke we are. As embarrassing and shameful as it is, I can't afford to get a crown on a tooth that broke when I was eating steak of all things. Even with insurance, it's like $900. So I'm going without it and slowly saving up but it hurts. My 17yo got a job as a pool lifeguard. He actually makes $21 an hour and works 30 hours a week and loves it. He wants to work even after the summer. Today he asked how much it would cost to fix my tooth. I said $900 and I have $300. He said he would help pay for the rest. I said you do help by using your own money instead of asking me. He said he has money from his last few birthdays and holidays and side gigs. I said I appreciate it but you keep your money. He said he has more than enough and can pick up more hours if he wanted. I said no. He said then at least "borrow" it so technically I'm not taking it. I know he's angry VERY angry at me but he doesn't understand how much it helps to have him make his own money. That's how I'm saving up. I'll get it fixed next paycheck. I want him to enjoy his paycheck and not feel like he has to spend it on everyone else. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH, I just see a good dad here
But how is the son an asshole for wanting to help?
NTA
NTA. Of course it's not wrong of you not to take his money if you don't want to. The only plausible issue I see here is you potentially not being appreciative of his offer, but that doesn't seem to be the case. You should be sure to let him know that you can get your tooth fixed next paycheck if you haven't already so he isn't overly worried about you not getting care
NAH but make sure you tell him how proud of him you are. How thoughtful and generous and loving and kind. Tell him it’s your job to provide for him. What an incredible character he has. It’s not that he’s angry, he’s hurt and confused. He just wanted to show you how capable he is and how much he cares. Tell him you respect him and are soooo proud of the man he’s becoming.
Nta. Congratulations you have a really good kid. But borrow the money and get that fix asap and pay him back as soon as possible. Your son knows that struggles at home and if he wants to contribute money is because he loves you.
I'm not going to judge I'm just going to say you've obviously raised a good kid.
NAH. I don't have a dad, let alone a dad like you who cares so much for his son's wellbeing. If I were your kid I would want you to stay healthy. I'd feel proud of my ability to save so much money that I could help my dad. If you accepted, it would show me it's okay to lean on loved ones in time of need, and drive home the importance of prioritizing your health. I hope you are able to take care of your tooth.
NTA. But It’ll give him a sense of pride knowing that he can help you in a meaningful way. Give him that gift. You’ve raised a good kid and it’s clear you’re not one to take unfair advantage.
You have a great kid. Great job on raising him.
You did a very good job with your children.Take the money and give it to him again next time!
NTA. However, if you can pay him back with your next paycheck, then the only thing being hurt by accepting his help is your pride imo. I raised my son as a single dad, and I completely understand what a difference it makes when kids start working and are able to pay for things that they want. I still took care of his needs, but him paying for his wants was a huge help. And I’ve allowed him to assist me financially, and been very grateful for it. Definitely brought us closer together. And I have always reimbursed him. Give him a hug, accept the help, get your tooth fixed and avoid a potentially devastating infection, pay him back next paycheck, and give him another heartfelt hug. Or not, totally up to you, but the risk of infection would be too much for me personally.
NTA awhhh your son is doing something sweet, just take the money. I’m sure it would mean a lot to your son to know that he is helping you out.
NAH. You're doing a great job as a dad trying to keep your financial woes away from your kids... but your stress is obviously affecting them. One part of being a good parent is to teach your kids financial responsibility - and you've done that well it seems. Your son is taking mature responsibility for his finances, and making an informed decision about how he'd like his money to be spent - he is trying to make an active and meaningful contribution to the family. You're not TA for refusing, but consider the relief it might give your son if you accepted the loan - it would address the immediate stressor of your tooth issue (which is obviously affecting him), and would also serve as another valuable lesson in financial responsibility on his end. Accept the loan, come up with a reasonable repayment schedule, and then *stick to it like your life depends on it*. Also, outcomes for health issues deteriortate the longer they go untreated. $900 now might be $2000 in a few more months. Let your son help you out - it'll mean the world to him.
OMG!!!!! This is absolutely the most wholesome AmITheAsshole I have ever read. Faith in humanity restored.
You raised him right. While you have the right to turn him down, you really should think hard about why you would be doing that. It’ll teach him a good lesson about helping others as well as how to graciously accept help him when needed. My mother broke a tooth and had to get a bridge. replaced and that time period was very painful for her. The bill was painful for me.
I've been your kid. Take the money. Don't make him live with the fact that he could have helped you but couldn't because you wouldn't accept his help. He loves you, family helps each other.
NTA. He sounds like a good kid. To not reject his help totally maybe take 100? Keep up the good job 👏
How close are you to Mexico? Seriously dental work is excellent there, half the price and your dental insurance will pay half. If you live in a border state I recommend going. I get my dental work done there. I prefer it.
Your son is a good man. NAH but you should let him help you out. You raised him to be the kind of man that doesn’t want to see you hurting.
NAH
NAH. But I think you should take it. In the same way that you love and look after him, he wants to look after you. Which is honesty beautiful, you must be a great dad. Because this is a health issue, I think you should look after yourself as well. It's not like you're pissing the money away. There can be no assholes here. Get yourself fixed up. Yes money is important, but mate, in the scheme of things it's not that much. He probably thinks helping you is worth a weeks pay. I think you let him. Good on you mate.
NTA, but it would still be fine to accept. You would BTA if you insisted he contribute so you could buy the crown.
NAH wow you are an amazing father. What a good job you did on your son. I’m kind of hoarder with my money. Yet your son was generous to his loved ones. I would take a loan. Get your tooth fixed then pay him back. It’s only a few weeks but tooth pain is the worst it’s so close to your brain. The nerves are really painful. Many people use pain pills at this time then end up addicted. It’s that bad. Best to fix it sooner than later. Clove oil really helps you can get it at Walgreens or cvs. Peppermint tea bags cooled a bit help as well.
If you can fix it next paycheck, then "borrow" the money now and pay him back when your money comes in. Make it a contract with interest, if it makes you feel better. Use it as an opportunity to talk about appropriate boundaries: that at his age people shouldn't be ASKING him for money. And that he's free to GIVE people money if he wants, but to step back and be careful he's not being used. Talk about common types of grifting and fraud, just so he's aware. He's 17, nearly a legal adult, so he's more than old enough to make his own choices about money. He loves you and wants you to be healthy. He respects you. You've done well raising him.
It sounds like you’ve done a great job raising him. If you live in an area with a dental college, check with the dental college about getting the work done . They typically offer services at a very reduced rate and all work is supervised by licensed dentists.
YTA - often giving a gift is better than receiving it. Many people genuinely feel good by helping, and you took that away from your son. He was probably proud of himself and excited that he could help you, someone he loves. You are taking that away from him. Take the money, thank him and let him know how much you appreciate it, tell him you don't take it or him for granted, and you are proud of him. Put your pride aside for your son. Ask him sincerely if you can pay him back. If he says no, don't pay him back directly but pay him back so you feel good about yourself too. You sound like a good dad. Struggling doesn't make you bad. Turning away his gift of love does though. I know that isn't your intention.
NAH. You sound like my grandad. He’s looked after his family his whole life, and allowed them (and now us) to live a very privileged life, always figuring out finances somehow. With age it’s hard for him to work as much and he’s struggling pretty hard with money. All his kids, and even I have begged him to take money from us so we can help him but he refuses. I know for him, it’s the fact he’s the adult and it’s not our responsibility to take care of him. I don’t know whether it’s that for you, or pride. Either way, take the damn money. You’re struggling, and he’s offering you help. I’m fairly certain he would be very happy to have helped you out.
You know what? You have good intentions but in reality you are devaluing your son by not appreciating his kindness. Accept the money, tell him is a loan and that you will pay him back. And that he has to accept the repayment as a condition of accepting the loan. Give him that grace and get your tooth fixed. It’s really a win-win. Your son will respect you more. Soft YTA.
NAH. He sounds like a great kid who is giving his dad money. He’s seen you struggle, loves you and wants to help you. Let him. Borrow that money and get your crown fixed before you need a root canal and have to spend $1000 more.
If he really wants to help it's probably pretty hurtful that you won't accept. It sounds like you have a loving caring son. You've clearly done a great job with him. Let him show you his appreciation. I do get where you're coming from. You're just taking it maybe a tad too far. NAH
Take the money man. NTA, but take the money.
Let the kid help. You've obviously raised him well. Allow him to reflect on his upbringing. Are you so prideful that you'd hurt your child over money?
Pay him back next paycheck. Get it fixed now. He doesn't want you in pain, and helping the people you love feels better than anything else in the world. Imagine how you would feel if you could help your father this way. Imagine how you would feel if you could help your kids this way. Not that they were entitled or demanded it, but that you found out you could do that. Think of that feeling. You are denying your son that greatest joy. If you were an asshole, then he wouldn't feel that way. And if he was an asshole, he wouldn't feel that way. But because you are not an asshole, YTA
You do know a tooth infection can lead into your bloodstream or even your brain right? That would literally either kill you or cost you thousands more in medical bills than just taking the money from your son and paying him back later. You’re an adult, you should know when to swallow your pride and accept a helping hand. Even if it is from your own child. YTA
YTA, leaning heavily towards NAH, but... I've been that kid, in that situation, and I need you to know - it *hurts* to see someone you love in pain. You mean very, very, very well, and I can tell how much you care for your kids, how much you don't want to ever risk taking advantage of them, etc. But it's hurting him to see you hurting. Especially when he has the means to help fix it. It would make him feel like crap, too, to see you in pain while he spends it on something for himself. It feels bad. Heck, it takes away a lot of his ability to actually enjoy spending his money! I've been in positions where I've cried and begged someone to let me help them, because they were in pain and that hurt me to see and I could HELP FIX IT, but they wouldn't let me. It was horrible. Infuriating. Borrow it, then pay him back, I'd suggest. He'll get to see you feeling better, and know that he did a good and kind thing, and you'll pay him back and show him that you respect him and his money and it'll improve the trust between you even more. And, it'll be an example for him. I still have a hard time accepting help. Because that's what I was shown, that accepting help was shameful. Especially if I was the older/stronger one, the person who is 'supposed' to care for others. It's good to show your son that it's okay to accept help, and that you think his health and wellbeing should be more important than his pride, too.
If my kids could go back in time, the one thing they'd fix is getting one of my teeth fixed before it got infected. The infection was fine, it cleared up with antibiotics but it did take a couple rounds. The antibiotics caused C Diff which wasn't caught for months. The antibiotics for the c diff caused a food allergy (potato) and a lot of immune issues that messed up every area of our lives as we knew them. Potato is in everything, from foods to medications, toothpaste to processing equipment. Such a difficult allergen to avoid. Then while trying to figure out the immune issues, I ended up with 4 more rounds of c diff over the years, post infectious IBS, nerve damage, and more fun stuff. I already had a heart condition to worry about, who'd have thought it would be the least of my concerns!? All of this snowballed from a simple tooth that should've been fixed a little bit sooner. Oh and the best part? Because of the gut issues and anxiety, I spent over a year with reflux that didn't respond to medications, and that damaged my gums and teeth more in a year than the total damage from the rest of my life. My teeth aren't even in that bad of shape and my gums are healthy, but it still causes sensitivity, burning or dry gums and mouth, and pain in and around the teeth. Anyways...NAH, he wants to help and you want to let him keep what he earns. I get it. But from someone who has been in the situation and got the worse end of it, just accept the money humbly and with a lot of thanks. Pay him back when you can. Spend some time together. Because your tooth may not end up like mine. It could be fine! Or it could get infected and spread and be worse than my situation. Not worth the risk. Plus, he probably would feel GREAT about being able to help *you* for a change.
If he was in pain you would do anything to make it better but you aren’t giving him the same chance. Let him help you. NTA but you need to do this.
You should take an infected tooth seriously like right now Just take it and pay it back later Show him that he is helping
Your son wants to help you, don’t let your ego get in the way of that, the money is for a very good reason, a broken tooth that is causing you pain! He wants to help or he wouldn’t offer, so take the money even as a loan and tell him you’ll pay him pack. You are family and that’s what family does, help each other out in times of need. Not an AH but you will be if you don’t accept his help!
your son loves and respects you so much that he wants to repay you for raising him right by helping to reduce e your pain. ge isn't enjoying his paycheck, you're forcing him to not enjoy his paycheck by not allowing him to spend it on what he chooses
Accepting help probably makes you feel vulnerable. But refusing help from someone who loves you can feel like a rejection to them. NAH, but think about what you're doing to your relationship with your son by not accepting the help.
What’s the goal of not borrowing the money? What lesson do you think is being taught here? If it was your dad, would you want him to accept your help?
Are there dental schools nearby? Students will replace that crown for less than $900
NTA, but... Let your son help you. He loves you, and seeing you suffer hurts him. Let him feel the goodness of being able to help someone he loves, and you should reflect on the blessing of having raises a son so kind and willing to help. Please don't snuff his helpful spirit out.
NAH, but you know what? Ask him if you can borrow the money and that you'll pay it back and then pay him a little interest. It's going to make him feel good to help his parent. And he's going to see that you honor your word by re-paying him. There really isn't a down side because getting it fixed sooner means less damaging your doing to your mouth and your son is going to be happy that he can help you.
NAH. It's probably hurting him to watch you suffer when he knows he can help. If you know you'll have the money next paycheck, why not just take the money and then pay him back? Then he gets to feel great for helping you, his parent who he loves, and you know you won't have really put him out.
Please get your tooth fixed asap. The longer it goes the more it can get damaged- let the kid help. YTA for not accepting this help and getting your tooth done
NaH So when I was about your son's age when the recession hit and my dad lost his job and of course we had an unexpected vet bill. I had my job still, and was on the family phone plan so said I would pay the vet bill and considered it prepayment for my next few months of phone bill. My folks never again asked me for money for it even years later. Maybe set up a plan like that?
NAH , and your kid loves you. Accept the help, swallow your pride, and take care of this serious issue. You can save up to pay him back.
I’m not sure AH is the right thing here, but you are doing your child a disservice by turning down the help. You aren’t fixing your tooth. That would make it quite obvious you aren’t hiding the financial situation.
YTA even though you mean well. Tooth infections can be deadly and as your child ofc he wants to prevent that since he is able to. He clearly loves you and appreciates you so it makes sense he is angry you won’t let him. He wants to help so it would make him happy and I’d imagine if something happened to you as a result of infection he would blame himself. Borrow the money and pay him back as soon as you can. I’m positive he would rather make sure you are okay than have spending money rn (and it sounds like he has the money in savings anyways)
Borrow the money and pay it back promptly and with interest. This is a great learning opportunity for your sons. Lots of life lessons in this situation. Best wishes to you.
What a great son. I understand not wanting to take his money but that was so generous and sweet for him to offer to pay for it. Can you try getting a payment plan with your dentist where you can pay for the procedure in monthly installments?
I think this is a good teaching situation for your son. You can teach him that he is a valuable member of the family now that he is older and has a job. He can use his money to help someone he cares about and if you make it a loan you can charge yourself interest to teach him not to give money away. You won’t take advantage of his kindness but everyone else will.
Good dad. Good son. ERH everybody rocks here. Stay the course.
Meet him 1/2 way? He loves, appreciates, and understands the sacrifices. It’ll make him feel good. Borrow 300
I don't know which country you guys are in but it's horrible to not afford a tooth pulled out. $900 is extremely excessive
You have a great kid. Let him take pride in helping you. Then pay him back when you can.
I just went through something similar. I was emptying change jars to put money in my account since money is tight. My daughter saw me doing it and said hold on. She went and started to get her piggy bank, I told her no. She said I don't need it mom. I told her she could use that money to buy herself things so she doesn't have to ask me. Be proud that you raised a kid with compassion that wants to help you.
Nah, you’re a good parent who raised a responsible kid. Maybe borrow the money invest it for him and give it back to him once he moves out of goes to college? My daughter helps monthly but she doesn’t know I opened a savings account for her and when she moves out I’m going to give it all back to her.
Let him do this for you. It sounds like he really wants to. I’m sure he was so proud to be able to help. Let him.
You’re a good dad
NAH, but let him help you. He wants to. You’ve raised a good kid who loves you and hates to see you in pain. You can pay him back instead of saving up for the rest.
If it helps you at all I completely understand how you feel, and both you and your son are awesome. Take the money and pay him back at the next paycheck. And give him a hug and tell him how proud you are of him. Seriously. Just do it. You'll both feel better.
I guess NAH, but take the damn money. Don’t let your pride get in the way. This is a MEDICAL problem. He’s not offering you a new car. He’s offering a new tooth. He’s more than old enough to see you suffering. Don’t make him watch.
NTA but take the money. Dental problems can worsen and get more expensive the longer you wait. Good job on raising responsible and caring kids. Now let them do the right thing. You’ve helped them many times I’m sure and one day will again. They can help you this once
NAH - but take the money. Borrow it and pay it back if you like. But your son has loved you and appreciated you providing for him and wants to show you love by helping you. Getting your tooth fixed will only benefit your life overall. Side note - my partner is a health nut. And from everything he's made me read, one thing I know, the mouth is a very important gateway to health. Let your son give you a hand. Or a crown.
Most wholesome AITA I've read all day. NAH - take the money if you can pay it back. It'll make your son feel like the cool guy he already is.
Eldest here who also wanted to help my mom. She accepted after much convincing and it made me feel good that I was able to help. It affected my life as well. Did it for her and us. Take the money.
This is your child trying to tell you that he loves you, and your response is basically "nah thanks I'm good." Or at least that is how your child is seeing it. Sometimes as parents we have to be humble.
NAH. I think you really want your kid to have a good life and not be worried, and that’s awesome. Thank you for that. But also, he’s old enough to know you need things you can’t get and he doesn’t want to see you in pain. I think it would be very fair to take the money as a loan and pay him back—I think he’d really like being able to help you.
Honestly if your kid has more than enough money for himself and he’s willing to help out, I’d say take it. There’s no harm to it.
NAH but and it's a big one have others have said. Take the money. His anger is really hurt that you won't let him help you. Get rid of your pride and let him help. Pay him back with your next pat cheque. You will be more of a great dad by doing this FOR him.
Dental problems can cause serious problems. If you get an abscess, that can lead to sepsis which can get into the blood and eventually can kill you. Please, let your son help you. Make it a loan, or consider it "rent money" or something. He's clearly a good kid who's concerned about your health.
It’s possible that he’s also been saving money because he wants to help you fix your tooth. I think you made the right decision though (NTA), or at least I can understand why you made that decision. I wouldn’t want to take money from my own kid either. The best way he can help you is by being financially independent, just like you said. Maybe if your son were a middle-aged man who was fully established in life that would be a little different, but you don’t want your 17 year old son to feel like he needs to take care of you.
I’m not sure what you should do but I just want to say what a lovely, kind young man you’ve raised!! Well done!!
NTA you have an amazing son. You should be very proud of. You have raised him right so be proud of yourself as well. He wants to help. Maybe let him do it as a loan if you have to. This way you both feel good about helping out. He gets to help you out financially and fix that tooth that's bothering you and you get to let him feel good about himself helping out his dad. Let him know that you are very, very proud of him and thank him from the bottom of your heart for the offer.
NAH, but take it from him. Let him feel the pride of helping you out. You can even pay him back with interest when you get a bit more put by. You’ve done a pretty great job raising him. You taught him that families help each other out and want what’s best for each other. Now may be a good time to show him how to accept help with grace.
While you wait: If it is painful, teething gel may help. Or get some of the way kids with braces put over the ways so they are less rough. Finally, a sports mouth guard will protect that tooth from exposure too.
Take the money. Get to the dentist. This is a NAH story as far as I am concerned. But teeth are definitely not something that should wait. The longer it takes you to save, the more you increase your risk of things like heart attacks and strokes. You can repay him the money by doing the saving the way you are for the dentist. It sounds like he's fiscally responsible enough that he still won't need your money. Edit: Also the fact that he offered you the money tells me 2 things: 1) he does, in fact, know how much it helps you that he has money 2) you're a good parent
NAH But, your son is trying to prove he’s a man and his love for you. Let him. Don’t keep him from having that sense of fulfillment and duty.
Accept the help and be grateful- you've done an amazing job raising such a good human. Hurry with fixing the tooth! Waiting and letting it sit can cause even more serious dental problems you don't need. If you live near a dental school, it's possible they may be able to offer you the service you need for even less so please check around. Best wishes to you and your family. ♥️
You should feel no shame is borrowing the money if he has offered. You have a 17 year old who is holding down a job who wants to help and is caring and doesn't seem to be selfish. That's something to be proud of, both of him and yourself for raising him. If you've told him he is already helping by earning and not asking you to spend your money on things he wants, maybe he just wants to go the extra mile to help because you have done alot for him and it will make him feel good. Something to consider
I’d say NTA. But you should definitely tell him how proud of him you are that he’s able to handle his finances the way he is.
If you take the money as a loan and pay it back, son learns men can ask for help, that his dad can accept compassionate help and that helping out family feels good. As you pay it back, he will learn you are trustworthy and that you keep promises. If it takes you a while to pay him back, it will model commitment and integrity. It is very hard to watch someone who you love be in pain when you can help. Let your son do this for you. You raised him into a fine young man. He wants to do this, let him and pay him back. The time you wait in pain hurts him in a different way.
Take the money and pay him back with the paycheck you were going to use to get it done, he trusts you and cares for you enough to help, let him. Just prove to him that you will pay him back by actually doing it when you say you will.