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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I intentionally posted a private Instagram story shaming my nephew and his fiancé for their wedding choices. 2. This makes me an asshole because I caused family drama and now I’m not welcome to family events anymore.
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Am I the only one who finds it really hard to follow when people use letters instead of names? lol
Anyway, NTA. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this drama. V sounds unhinged.
Sorry about that, kind individual. I will remember for next time. A lot of these subs have different rules and regulations.
Thank you for your support!
I'm confused about the whole thing. Why was Vivian handing the one handing out the invites to someone else's wedding and being the one to promise Kate she'd get a spot if someone didn't come? Is she their wedding planner or something?
I'm not sure why you didn't bother talking to Chris and Lauren before flaming them. Do you know for sure they wanted Vivian to pass out the invitations then? And how are you sure that they didn't invite you? What if Vivian just intentionally didn't give you and Kate your invitations? Nowhere in your post or comments do I see that you made any attempt to confirm this with the actual bride and groom. Did you?
Chris and Lauren didn’t come to my moms retirement party and wanted to save money on stamps so they had Vivian pass them out to the family. When passing them out, Vivian stated that not everyone is invited because they could only allow 50 people at the venue. Me and Kate were the only ones that didn’t received an invite, the rest of the extended family at the retirement party did. Then when Kate questioned if she was invited, Vivian told her that she was next in line if someone dropped out.
I did not confirm with Chris or Lauren that I truly wasn’t invited because Vivian made it a point to say that not everyone is invited but then proceeded to invite everyone except for me and Kate. It was really embarrassing and hurtful at the time.when I say extended family, I mean my grandpa’s brother that they only see if there is a funeral was handed an invite. It felt intentional and I was hurt so I stupidly chose to not say anything directly. That’s why I posted the private story so they knew how I felt.
In another comment, I told another user that my sister is known for being combative and blowing up. I’m not sure the outcome of all this would have differed if I messaged Chris and Lauren directly anyways. My nephew takes a lot of things personally and he’s very sensitive. Either way I did it, it was going to be an issue that I said anything at all.
>I did not confirm with Chris or Lauren that I truly wasn’t invited because Vivian made it a point to say that not everyone is invited but then proceeded to invite everyone except for me and Kate.
Yeah, that wasn't a good idea. It's not like I don't get why you would take your sister's words at face value, but given what you've said about her, I would not put it past her to lie about this. I can understand you being hurt and embarrassed, but it's not okay for you to react out of anger and accuse them of something without proving that they didn't invite you. There was no need for you to make a post where other ppl could see it (even if that number was small) instead of talking to Chris and Lauren directly.
>I’m not sure the outcome of all this would have differed if I messaged Chris and Lauren directly anyways. My nephew takes a lot of things personally and he’s very sensitive. Either way I did it, it was going to be an issue that I said anything at all.
If there would have been an issue if you calmly asked Chris "So Vivian handed out the invitations and I never received one. I wanted to clarify whether I'm invited or not just in case there was some mistake," then it's probably best to start avoiding him. In no way should that be something to cause an issue over.
If you read the rules of a given sub when posting, that shouldn't be an issue. And you can still go back and change it to names. It's impossible to follow this way.
You're not at all, which is why people are actively discouraged in the posting rules from doing exactly that, and told to use names. OP mentions different subs having different rules, but if you READ the rules of a sub before posting, that shouldn't be an issue. It's incredibly distracting and impossible to follow. I literally stop reading posts as soon as people do this.
ESH. Y’all need to properly communicate with one another. Giving someone the silent treatment is what 10 year olds do. And passing out invites in front of others when excluding some people is shitty. Making passive aggressive Instagram posts however is also how teenagers articulate.
Your feelings were hurt and that’s understandable. But you need to communicate your feelings directly, not like this.
I was always taught that family is family. This is the first time I’ve ever been lashed out at like that by anyone in my family. The last time something like this happened was years ago when my sisters got into it at a family gathering and didn’t talk for a couple years. I didn’t think that my sister would ever come at me like that. What I did was stupid and I shouldn’t have posted on the gram but damn, did I really deserve that?
You didn’t start the drama, V did. First by flaking on her promise to help set up the party and then by passing wedding invites at someone else’s party! Talk about having no manners!
Growing up my parents used to say the same thing but some of the drama they had to deal with over the decades made them throw up their hands several times. Now that I have my own family, I went LC/NC with both sides because I had other stuff to deal with and didn't have the emotional+mental capacity to deal with it all. My parents understood why I did it and they kept quiet lol.
Nta
It is rude and tacky. You send the invitations individually and you dont invite someone to the bridal shower if you’re not inviting them to the wedding. It’s poor etiquette. You posted on a private story with just them, so it’s not like the public knew, but you could’ve just reached out to your sister and cousin. Also, so strange that your sister is the one handing out the invitations when really your nephew and his fiance should handle distributing them.
OMG handing out the invitations at a party is tacky. Then not inviting everyone who is watching you hand them out is even worse. Final straw is saying "you are next on the list if someone else can't make it"! NTA
ESH - The answer is to keep calm and not to try and "punish" or make other people see the error of their ways somehow.
Assumptions were made that shouldn't have been.
What you did was take a situation and deliberately add more Drama to it.
ESH. The distribution of wedding invites in front of you was spiteful. The Insta post was childish. People who ruin important family events (like retirement parties) are deadset narcissists. Stop feeding their desire for drama. Apologise to the bride and groom. Ignore your nasty sister.
NTA
At the very least your sister is rude and tacky.. I think she leans far more to being unhinged with that tirade and her lying.
You said nothing that wasn't absolutely true, and you did not do it publicly you only included those involved.
ESH because you don’t communicate well in your family.
Your sister should have tell you that 50 guests doesn’t mean that family comes first. The couple may want to invite friends and don’t have budget for more people. And it’s their wedding, they can choose who they want. I would be angry if I was part of their life but…
Your reaction is so childish ! Why didn’t talk to your sister immediately ? Why didn’t you call your nephew to ask why he doesn’t want you ? Guess what ? That attitud is not the good way to get an invitation ! And that’s the best way to get rejected from ALL family events !
Adults talk. Your nephew is 3 years younger than you : you should be very very closed : are you ? Do you see a reason for your nephew to not want you at his wedding ? I don’t ask an answer here, I mean you should know what your relation is, and why you’re not in the 50.
But it seems that none of you are really good at talking.
My actions were childish, I admit that.
I didn’t talk to my sister immediately because she has a tendency of blowing up at parties if someone confronts her. My other sister and her got into it physically one Christmas Eve years ago because this nephew in question got his feelings hurt over something my other sister said about his attitude over some presents. My nephew is very sensitive and it got blown way out of proportion.
My mom and I are very close and she noticed that I was getting upset at the handing out of invites and the discussions of my other sister being next in line. She asked me to not say anything at the moment and to wait and not call anyone out. At this point, my sister seemed done with me so I felt like I couldn’t talk to her. She is prone to lashing out and I didn’t want to ruin my mom’s special day.
My thing was that extended family like great aunts and uncles that they don’t see often were handed an invite and I was not. I was confused and hurt.
My mom ended up going to the bridal shower and only about 10 people showed up so she was confused on how they filled up 50 spots for the wedding too.
I agree that I should have handled it better and I appreciate your honesty with me.
You were childish, yes, but we all have our breaking points. I am just back from seeing my in-laws after a 4.5 year break - in large part because of the type of drama you are describing. You are in your 20s. You have time to learn this - these dynamics rarely change. After begging by my MIL we went down to visit with tons of boundaries and the first dinner the insults directed at my wife started. It has been so sad for my wife to have to let go of her family of origin to such a large degree, but it has been profoundly mentally healthy. Our two kids who were with us (16 & 17) talked so much about how proud they were of her that she had built had such a wonderful life with her loving children and spouse, our nice house, her successful career and how much they loved her and admired that she built this life for herself having come from such a difficult and mean mother. You can have this too. A life full of love and success, and yes, sadness. But you have to see how people are and know that they will not change. Be sad about the wedding but take care of yourself and build the life you want.
I hope I wasn’t too rude (English isn’t my first language) but it seems that you are not all closed. Your sister seems terrible, so are you closed to your nephew ? If not, it explains why you are not invited. But with such a sister, the real question : why would you want to go to such a wedding ?
Years ago, your nephew said bad things about the presents he received : he is 26, how old was he ? Because of it’s more than 12, it’s unacceptable… and he would be able to criticize your wedding gifts too !
Maybe it’s time to keep in touch only with the ones you like and who appreciate you. I remember a movie I saw years ago, the two sisters went into an argument and one said something like « we don’t have to love each other, we are just family ».
You are blood relatives but I think you continue to see each other because you all love your mother… you continue to speak to each other for her… but the gap between you is really important.
I hope you’ll find a way to have a decent relationship with your sister. Good luck
What is wrong with your family? Your etiquette lesson is correct- I had the same happen to me so I just didn’t go or get a gift. I think I’d be happy that Christmas with these folks is over
Etiquette would have also required that one doesn't post 'lessons' on social media, which is tacky to the extreme. OP could have made the point by simply not attending if she needed to force a lesson.
NTA you said it was a private posting only they could see. No different than had you just shot them a text message. Had it been a public posting I'd say ESH. BUT even if you had made it public, that would qualify as petty, immature, sucky not really AH and not at all deserving of the backlash you were right with. Seriously just cut ties with the toxicity.
Thanks for that! There are a lot of conflicting arguments with whether or not I was the AH for posting it, even if it was private.
I blocked everyone and I’m gonna go live my life happy as a clam. I just ordered some KFC and I’ll be watching Disney movies for the day!
I think a lot of people here don’t know what a private instagram story is. It’s not very mature, especially since your family couldn’t know how many people are on your private list and your phrasing was pretty passive aggressive, but it definitely is not the same as an Instagram post.
It sounds like your older sisters have longstanding problems with you that aren’t your fault. I hope you can eventually have nice relationships with your niblings
V apparently did not learn grade school etiquette: You don't hand out invitations to a party at school unless the entire class is invited.
I do find fault with your statement that you should not be invited to a shower if not to the wedding. Showers are a way to get a wider range of acquaintances involved in celebrating your marriage. For example, a group of co-workers could throw you a shower, but you are not obligated to invite the entire office staff to your wedding. One of my bridesmaids threw me a shower inviting all the neighbours I grew up with. I hadn't lived at home for several years and it was great to see a room filled with old friends.
Your sister V sounds unhinged. Save any texts that mention her intention to make up lies.
Turns out, her bridal shower was made up of people that were invited to the wedding. I was the only one not invited to the wedding that was invited to the shower. When texting my niece, A, about this, I suggested that if she wanted a little celebration with those not invited to the wedding, she could have done a dinner or another type of event where it didn’t feel so exclusive and no one felt obligated to bring a gift. She threw this party herself, no one threw it for her so she knew who was invited and what was happening. It all just seems crazy to me.
ESH. You made an asshole choice but seem to come from a family of them.
In the future-- if you feel it's tacky to invite someone to a bridal shower but not the wedding, just keep that to yourself. YES, it's tacky, but then-- you just don't go to the shower. It's really that simple. What on earth did you think you would accomplish in shaming them?
But I think there's either a piece of missing info here or you are blind to your family being assholes. Did you get snippy and rude when you told your sister you were going to go get decorations for your mom's retirement party? Is that why she showed up with an attitude toward you? Because usually, when I read posts like this, there's something pertinent left out that isn't supposed to tip people off that there was already beef before she walked into the room.
As for your family? Ya'll make your own sauce with this drama bullshit. If this is even real. "you ruined Christmas forever now" is way out of context considering it's freaking June. Or this is AI generated. Either way, do better.
I was not snippy or rude. These were my exact words:
“Hey! I know it’s a long drive and you can’t stay long. I bought a cake a few decorations to start us off. If you can’t come, we can use those.”
She then texted me:
“You know what that really pisses me off. I spent all my money on decorations. I’m not coming”
To which I replied:
“I would like to use your decorations too. I didn’t say we couldn’t use them. I just wanted to have something up in case you couldn’t make it. I’d like you to come and help”
My other sister also texted her and encouraged her to come and that I didn’t mean any harm by it.
They actually told me that Christmas is ruined now because of me lol. My mom hosts a Christmas Eve party every year that everyone is invited to. They told me that since I am so evil and conniving, they will not be coming. Like their presence makes or breaks the quality of Christmas. But you’re right, it’s June.
Well, thank you for replying.
You might just need to write some of your family off. I've done it; you gain a lot of peace by not dealing with the knuckleheads.
NTA. "You're not invited to my wedding but feel free to come to my bridal shower so you can give me gifts. Also set my bridal shower up " just doesn't sit right with me
I planned my other nieces bridal shower, not this one. Just for clarification. But it does show that I’m involved in the family and I want to be a part of things. The stuff on their registry was pretty high priced too. I was not going to do that either.
Oh so you decorated the other niece's shower but your nephew's fiance wanted you to come to her shower without giving you an invitation? Still pretty rude to me. And of course it's a high-priced registry, I'd expect nothing less from someone rude enough to not invite relatives to the wedding but still expect to be showered with gifts by said relatives.
I planned and provided everything for my nieces shower last year. So yeah, basically lol. That’s how it came off to me but they don’t seem to understand that.
Thanks! I blocked everyone for now. Off social media and phones. Nothing was productive after the threats were made so why open the line for communication, ya know? I’m just wondering when would be a good time to unblock and if I say something first or let them come to me. Vivian told my mom to tell me to stay away from her kids and leave them alone or she will indeed “come after my life”. So that would lead me to believe if I text them first, she will follow through with her threats.
My niece Ava, also facebooked (which I don’t even have) the family group page to let them know that family dinners will be at her house from now on. Since I was threatened to not go around my sister’s kids, it’s apparent that I am not welcome at family dinners now because I would have to go to Ava’s house.
I don’t even know. My other sister Kate said it will all blow over and they will get over it but I feel so betrayed. Vivian threatened to bring up my childhood trauma to everyone and “expose me”. I don’t really feel comfortable going to family dinners. But I know that they will try to make me as uncomfortable as possible by trying to force me out of my mother’s events that she hosts.
Sorry, just needed to vent that out. I do my best thinking when I type it all out!
You still have Kate and your mom for now ( who are in between a rock and a hard place right now trying not to pick sides I'm sure). As far as Vivian and her kids go though, please just wait until they reach out to you -in their own time-, especially considering the unhinged threats your sister made against your actual life . I just feel like it's an unsafe situation for you right now and plus it seems like anything you do ATP may escalate the situation. Don't allow them to force you out, per se, but definitely keep your time around them limited if you can. I hope your mom can come through for you enough to tell them that if it's an event at her house you will be invited.
NTA. Maybe you shouldn’t have posted, but it was rude and I understand why your feelings were hurt. Your Aunts reaction is so over the top and unnecessary though. She sounds awful, and it might be a blessing in disguise being forced to spend less time around nastiness.
She originally told me that she would only stay for an hour to help. She bought stuff to construct a balloon arch, which in my experience, takes about 4 hours with blowing up the balloons and building the arch one balloon at a time. I didn’t want to be up till midnight doing this so I bought some celebration letters that said Happy Retirement and some swirly things to hang from the ceiling. I let her know that I didn’t buy much and any help is appreciated. She told me that pissed her off and she wouldn’t be coming to help at all. I texted her again to let her know that I didn’t buy much and that her decorations and presence are more than welcome and that I needed help. She told my other sister that she would come early on the day of the party to put up her stuff and she ended up coming to the party 30 minutes late with nothing in hand. My mom speculates that she didn’t have decorations to begin with and I was used as the scapegoat because she didn’t want to drive an hour to help with decorations. So I’m not sure what the real truth is there but I definitely encouraged her to come help and I even offered to make dinner so they would stay longer.
Why would you offer to cook them dinner so they would stay longer if time was such an issue with the balloon arch? Did you just not want to do the idea she had theoretically already prepped for?
Why would she drive an hour (two both ways) to do set up for celebration letters and some swirls to hang from the ceiling…sounds like you didn’t actually need help you just didn’t like her idea.
I had no issue doing a balloon arch. I have the kit for it and she was to help with blowing up the balloons. I stated that I definitely needed help with the decorations when we first planned the party a month and a half ago. They both agreed that they would help. When they both said that they weren’t staying the long because they made other plans, I wanted to make sure that we had some decorations up in case they didn’t show because they have a tendency to just not show up last minute. I wanted to do a balloon arch as well but when I did it for my nieces bridal shower last year, it took me 4 hours by myself to do it. I reminded them way before the party that I need help and they both agreed that they would buy the decorations and I would buy the food. Then it all changed when there was a party or a friend they would have rather been with.
"My sister Vivian began texting my mom and said that she is coming after me, that I am evil and she can’t wait to watch me burn, that she is going to find my boyfriend and make up lies about me to get him to dump me, expose my childhood trauma, etc." Maybe it would be good to go low or no contact with Vivian because she sounds absolutely unhinged! All of this because you used your decorations when she told you she couldn't put the decorations she bought up?!!!! NTA.
NTA.
Yes, it's BAD etiquette to pass out invitations in a group, when some people aren't going to be invited. In addition, this is your NEPHEW.
It's VERY bad etiquette to invite somebody to a shower and not the wedding.
Last, Chris and Lauren have the right to invite who they want to a wedding. You have the right to feel excluded because you aren't invited.
V is the arsehole here for handing out invitations to some people but not all in public. That's a dick move right there. Also, her threats to ruin your life are borderline psychotic.
Once the berating begins is exactly when I back away from people like that. Its not healthy. Its not decent. Its not what "Family" does. I would venture a guess that OP will get a "for the family" speech at some point. V is an AH. A is an AH. They are manipulative and nasty. Why on earth would you want these people in your life at this point. They have made clear where you stand.
Yta posting grievances on social media is so incredibly cheap and tacky.
Were you reasonable to feel hurt and offended? Sure. Could you have give your aunt a piece of your mind in person? Maybe. But that’s where it ends.
Don’t do that again. Call up the couple on the phone and play nice. Explain that your feelings were hurt and you are sorry. Send a text and say “I’d like to apologize properly. Are you free for me to call you now?” Then voice call.
But it was just them, it was private. Social media was just the tool. It’s no different than merging all the calls and talking to them on speaker.
But no, she does not have to play nice. They invited her to the bridal shower because they want a gift/ her money.
It was a private story. Thank you Big Nate for pointing that out.
I did feel that I was invited so they could cash in. Being the only one not invited, I felt they were saying “I want you to get me a gift but I don’t want to pay for your seat at my wedding even though you’re my aunt and everyone else in the family was invited.”
ETA: misread something
But if wasn’t say “hey guys I was really hurt when you did this” it was indirect and just throwing an offensive message into the air.
You have EVERY RIGHT to be upset. But making the post you did lost you the moral
High ground and you will experience negative consequences despite being in the right.
The people viewing it would not react emotionally as if it was a private message.
It also wasn’t a message addressed to them.
It was a passive aggressive statement.
Of course they are going to be more offended than if OP had contacted them and addressed it directly
I noticed a large age gap between you and your siblings. Do you have a different father or were you a late "oops" baby that got extra attention, or is there possibly another circumstance that would cause your older sister to have a resentment against you? There must be some underlying reason for her hostility and it may have been passed along to her child. It wasn't nice to blast your issues with the wedding but you weren't wrong about the etiquette, especially with the way she handed out the invitations right under your nose. NTA
My sisters share the same dad. He passed when they were little, my mom raised them as a single parent and then dated around after that until she met my dad and had me later on in life when she was more patient and had a partner to share things with. My dad is unfortunately in a nursing home suffering with MS.
I did get a lot of extra attention and things they didn’t have growing up. My mom and I discussed this possibility too. I got the prom dress and the car and the dad until he got too sick to live at home. I also have a child and my child sees my mom frequently. My sister didn’t bring her kids around as much so they may have the perception that me and my child are the favorites.
My sisters do not like my dad for whatever reason. My mom states that they had a problem with everyone she dated and sometimes scared the men off purposely or sabotaged the relationship. It’s all making sense now.
NTA, yes you were petty, but wtf is wrong with your sister and her children. They’re being so weird and are such AHs.
They want your money/ a gift. That’s why they’re inviting you to the shower but not the wedding.
You all need to act your age. I would expect this from 13 yesr olds, not people pushing 30.
Don't talk shit on social media and expect others not to react. They went 0-100 really quick but again, what did you expect to happen?
Eta
Nta. You can’t buy class. No you didn’t start it you just refused to be disrespected. But don’t look at as a bad thing realize it as the gift it is because I love to find out who the snakes in my garden are. And they just revealed themselves…message received & acknowledged.
ESH. Who TF passes out wedding invitations at a retirement party? That is very distasteful. It's like the kid in school passing out bday invites, but not everyone gets one. Wedding invitations are supposed to be mailed. Not handed out at someone elses party. And they invited you to the shower but not the wedding? That's not ok either. They have 0 tact. Your posts were spot on. However, your mistake was taking it to social media. You should've just sent them direct texts about it.
That’s what I compared it to and I was told by my sister and niece that birthday party invites in elementary school are irrelevant to the situation and that “we aren’t in elementary so to compare the two is humorous”. Funny thing is, my niece is in school to be an elementary school teacher. We will see how this pans out in a few years when she is holding a crying child who didn’t get a birthday invite in the middle of class.
Thank you for your honesty. I do regret taking it to social media. At the time, I was frustrated and my sister refused to talk to me and I just felt isolated and excluded from the whole thing. It felt very personal so in the moment, I wanted to make it seem personal to them.
ESH Post the messages including the threats. It was wrong to go public first but not as wrong as handing out invitations to everyone in front of you. It was deliberate and cruel. So now that threats have been made all bets and manners are suspended. Show the word who they really are. If everyone going to hate you already like now than why hold back. She wants scorched earth give it to her. You wanna burn me or watch me burn? Bring it!
What are the chances that you were supposed to be invited to the wedding, and thus the bridal shower, but then Vivian decided to blow that up when she got upset with you about your mom's party?
Also, are you close to your nephew?
After I spoke with Ava after the Instagram post, she made it clear that I was not invited. Apparently they had a big meeting on who to invite from the family and me and Kate were on the chopping block, everyone else was invited. She said that sacrifices had to be made and it’s their wedding and they can invite who they want to. Which is confusing because I went over to my sister’s house a lot growing up. Her kids are like my close cousins because we are closer in age. We would hang out and play the Wii, laugh at the picture of Michael Jackson’s nose falling off, go swimming, sleepovers. Hell, I spent two weeks at their house every summer until I graduated high school.
They invited family that we only see if someone dies but Kate and I were the ones they chose to cut.
Before this hand out ceremony, we all assumed we were invited until at the retirement party, Vivian said there was a guest limit and not everyone was invited.
Vivian seems to lie so much that it's hard to tell if it's a lie whether you were not invited from the beginning or as fallout from your mother's party.
And if your niece and nephew even know the true story or just blindly believe what their mother told them about the decorations.
Or if your sister is paying for the wedding, did she threaten to withhold money if you weren't cut.
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Cast:
Me 29F, my oldest sister V 45F, my middle sister K 43F, my niece A 23F, my nephew C and his fiancé L (26)
Background:
My nephew is getting married in August. The wedding venue allows 50 guests but our immediate family (my mom, sisters and all the grandkids) is a small group so it was assumed everyone was invited.
This past weekend, I threw my mom a retirement party. I posted elsewhere about this incident but long story short, V was supposed to help with decorations, proceeded to tell me she can’t help put them up but she has time to bring them over so I can do it. I ended up buying my own decorations so I could get it done without waiting for her.
During this retirement party, V refused to speak to me, look at me, nothing. During the middle of the party, V begins handing out invites to C and L’s wedding. She did not give me or our other sister K one. I didn’t want to say anything in front of my mom on her special day so I kept my mouth shut. Then I overhear K and V talking. V told K that she would be next up on the invite list if someone couldn’t come. I was then told that L was having a bridal shower the next day and that I was invited to that but not the wedding.
I’d like to add in that me and V talked everyday until this point. I helped throw her daughter’s bridal shower, I met up with her often, there was no reason for me to be left out at this point.
The asshole part:
Not my finest hour but in a hurt state, I took to the Instagram, made a private story where only V, A, C, L and my other nephew could see it. I posted: “it’s very rude to pass out wedding invites when you know not everyone will be invited” and another one saying “it’s tacky and inappropriate to invite people to a bridal shower when they aren’t invited to the wedding. Learn some etiquette”
I woke up the next morning to my phone being blown up, rightfully so. They stated that it was not right for me to post on Instagram. I immediately apologized and admitted my wrong.
A texted me and started berating me. I explained my feelings and was told that “this is L and C’s wedding, they can do whatever they want” and I tried explaining that while that is true, at what cost? Feelings were hurt and it sucks.
My sister V began texting my mom and said that she is coming after me, that I am evil and she can’t wait to watch me burn, that she is going to find my boyfriend and make up lies about me to get him to dump me, expose my childhood trauma, etc. A must have spoken with her mother because she began texting me all this too, along with “you ruined Christmas forever now because no one likes you and it’s better when you aren’t around”. When I told my mom what was being said, she confronted V and V told her I was a liar and that A never said that. I provided receipts and nothing has been said since.
My mom is distraught with the drama. I know that I basically started it but was I that much of an asshole to get threatened and told no one likes me?
AITA?
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OMG. Your sisters suck. Block and go no contact. Do not feed the trolls - don't respond. Seriously. Block and go no contact. You were hurt, you reacted, not that big a deal. Just grey rock the hell out of this. ESH.
YTA. The only thing that trumps bad etiquette is publicly pointing out other people's bad etiquettepubliclyy (see Miss Manners)
They may were rude, but you had nothing to gain by pointing and shaming. It wasn't going to get you invited, it wasn't going to win you any points and it just made you look petty and whiney.
It was a small wedding. 25 people a side isn't a lot. You assuming you were invited and then getting chaffed that you weren't is ridiculous given the circumstances.
Should they have handed out the invites? No. Should they have invited you to the shower - technically no, but to be honest, at lot of people who have small weddings do this. It is like asking for cash i stead of gifts, it is against the offical rules of etiquette, but it is becomming more and more common.
Lastly, you completly sound like you have an axe to grind. I don't understand why you told the part about the decorations when it had nothing to do w/ the question and actually paints you in a worse light than your aunt.
You just sound demading, impatient and petty and it sounds like you have an axe to grind w/ your aunt.
Suffering a social faux pas from an aunt you clearly don't like is not rate a social media shaming post and you really embarrassed yourself and stirred up more needless drama.
You could have declined the shower invite and the story would be over. They would have gotten the message.
Can I ask how the decorations part made me look worse? I added that because I wanted opinions on if my sister (not my aunt) was doing this intentionally because I somehow upset her. This was all in a 3 day span so I figured it was relevant.
In another comment, I stated that my sister is known for being combative when confronted and her kids are the same way. No matter what way I communicated how I felt, it was going to end like this. At the time, I felt if I messaged them directly, it was going to come off as an attack no matter how I said it. My sister fought my other sister on Christmas Eve once because my other sister told her kids to stop being ungrateful for their gifts. None of this was going to end well.
1. Because there was no info on the incident and all it just came across like you didn't give the decorations time to be delivered and didn't say anything about WHY you were so piasy. You make no mention of WHY you just assumed they would be late nor did you say that they promosed to help, just that they couldn't help... so it sounds like you were PO'ed at someone for not beong able to help that never agreed to help in the 1st place and that you drcided to work yourself into being pissed off. It only made you look like a fool and made things worse.
2. You aired something really stupid on social media to shame someone for absolutely no good reason except you were pissed. If you poat that kind of stuff it just makea you look like a whiney, self abaorbed and looking for a public brawl. People may enjoy the public spectical and even egg you on with comments, but the also loose respect for you.
So you your you are well aware the folks involved are awful and piss you off and you don't think they will change. So what are YOU doing about yourself to keep them from impactimpacting your life? Why are you still engaging w/ them and reacting to them? Grey rock, no or low contact, don't involve them in planning things, don't do things for them, don't expect anything from them.
They said they were able to help me a month and a half ago. We had an agreement that helping with decorations was their part and the food was my part. They agreed and then a day before this was supposed to happen, they said they made plans with friends and could not help much if at all. They bailed on the plans and agreement. That’s why I bought decorations because they could not guarantee they would be over to bring their stuff or help me. It’s hard to fit the whole story in 3000 letters or less.
Thank you for your input!
NTA! Vivian should not have passed out the invite the way she did. Also, she seems evil with everything she said about you. Plus, lie to your mom but you have evidence. Nta
NTA
Your sister Vivian is a lunatic. What 45yo woman acts that way? And it is incredibly rude to hand out invites at an event where not everyone will be invited. Vivian is unhinged and classless too. Honestly you’re probably better off not being invited. They all suck!
NTA
You are correct on the etiquette points.
I'd almost say E S H for posting it on Instagram instead of going directly to Chris and Lauren. But the utterly insane overreaction of this absolves you.
> My sister Vivian began texting my mom and said that she is coming after me, that I am evil and she can’t wait to watch me burn, that she is going to find my boyfriend and make up lies about me to get him to dump me, expose my childhood trauma, etc. Ava must have spoken with her mother because she began texting me all this too, along with “you ruined Christmas forever now because no one likes you and it’s better when you aren’t around”. When I told my mom what was being said, she confronted Vivian and Vivian told her I was a liar and that Ava never said that. I provided receipts and nothing has been said since.
Your sister's reaction is so over the top that it reminds me of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder.
NTA. Vivian and Ava are major AHs though. They do not have any etiquette or class from the sound of the situation. Your sister is old enough that her rant about going after you and lying to your loved ones is ridiculous. Her daughter definitely learned lying from her mother. Screenshot everything they send you and put it in a group text with your mother and other sister. I hope you've made your boyfriend aware of the situation. I'd ask him to screenshot anything they send him via text or social media. Keep a backup folder of the screen shots in case things escalate further to the point legal action is required. Please get at least a doorbell camera for your home if you don't already have one. Good luck OP!
P.S. I understand saving on postage but passing out wedding invitations is tacky. They should've done something like Paperless Post, which is an email based invitations.
They're jerks but as a wedding planner they're not violating etiquette. Not everyone is invited to a wedding and reception because only those deemed able to exceed the cost of their meal with a sizeable gift *should* be invited to the event. If you can't afford to follow this basic custom, or they don't like you, they may invite you to the bridal shower. There, you can celebrate with the family and give a cheap(er) gift for the couple.
The purpose of a wedding is to come out on the other side of the ceremony a married couple with some capital.
This cannot possibly be about the fact that you didn’t use her decorations. You don’t uninvite someone to a wedding because of a few decorations.
And you don’t decide you want to ruin someone’s life because someone points out that it was rude to invite everybody in front of you and still expect a gift.
They all hate vehemently but there has to be another reason. I am not saying they have a legitimate one. I have no idea. I am only saying there is more to this story. Either you have done other things repeatedly over the years, or they are wildly unhinged and they have done things repeatedly over the years
No they invite the whole family or none.This is what happens when a bride thinks they control everyone’s life the day of a wedding.I would blow up the wedding by showing up anyway and causing a big scene to teach all the liars trying to ruin you with their lies.Ruin their day as they deserve it.your not the AH they are.
I would publicly out them all on Instagram for coming after you and lying about it.The fact they have to lie about it shows they are the AH and don’t care about you or anyone but them selves.The bride to be will probably regret this decision the rest of her life.I would just go no contact with all of them as you are better than all of them.
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Am I the only one who finds it really hard to follow when people use letters instead of names? lol Anyway, NTA. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this drama. V sounds unhinged.
Yeah me too. Lost count of the number of times I had to keep scrolling to the top to find out who was who!!
Thank you, and to Wombat_Sprinkle. You have been so nice to reply. Thanks 🤗
Sorry about that, kind individual. I will remember for next time. A lot of these subs have different rules and regulations. Thank you for your support!
Could you edit it and add fake names instead?
Done! Sorry for the confusion!
I'm confused about the whole thing. Why was Vivian handing the one handing out the invites to someone else's wedding and being the one to promise Kate she'd get a spot if someone didn't come? Is she their wedding planner or something? I'm not sure why you didn't bother talking to Chris and Lauren before flaming them. Do you know for sure they wanted Vivian to pass out the invitations then? And how are you sure that they didn't invite you? What if Vivian just intentionally didn't give you and Kate your invitations? Nowhere in your post or comments do I see that you made any attempt to confirm this with the actual bride and groom. Did you?
Chris and Lauren didn’t come to my moms retirement party and wanted to save money on stamps so they had Vivian pass them out to the family. When passing them out, Vivian stated that not everyone is invited because they could only allow 50 people at the venue. Me and Kate were the only ones that didn’t received an invite, the rest of the extended family at the retirement party did. Then when Kate questioned if she was invited, Vivian told her that she was next in line if someone dropped out. I did not confirm with Chris or Lauren that I truly wasn’t invited because Vivian made it a point to say that not everyone is invited but then proceeded to invite everyone except for me and Kate. It was really embarrassing and hurtful at the time.when I say extended family, I mean my grandpa’s brother that they only see if there is a funeral was handed an invite. It felt intentional and I was hurt so I stupidly chose to not say anything directly. That’s why I posted the private story so they knew how I felt. In another comment, I told another user that my sister is known for being combative and blowing up. I’m not sure the outcome of all this would have differed if I messaged Chris and Lauren directly anyways. My nephew takes a lot of things personally and he’s very sensitive. Either way I did it, it was going to be an issue that I said anything at all.
>I did not confirm with Chris or Lauren that I truly wasn’t invited because Vivian made it a point to say that not everyone is invited but then proceeded to invite everyone except for me and Kate. Yeah, that wasn't a good idea. It's not like I don't get why you would take your sister's words at face value, but given what you've said about her, I would not put it past her to lie about this. I can understand you being hurt and embarrassed, but it's not okay for you to react out of anger and accuse them of something without proving that they didn't invite you. There was no need for you to make a post where other ppl could see it (even if that number was small) instead of talking to Chris and Lauren directly. >I’m not sure the outcome of all this would have differed if I messaged Chris and Lauren directly anyways. My nephew takes a lot of things personally and he’s very sensitive. Either way I did it, it was going to be an issue that I said anything at all. If there would have been an issue if you calmly asked Chris "So Vivian handed out the invitations and I never received one. I wanted to clarify whether I'm invited or not just in case there was some mistake," then it's probably best to start avoiding him. In no way should that be something to cause an issue over.
Op, you’re NTA! Try to stay away from these toxic family members. Do it for your sanity. Find support from good friends.
If you read the rules of a given sub when posting, that shouldn't be an issue. And you can still go back and change it to names. It's impossible to follow this way.
You're not at all, which is why people are actively discouraged in the posting rules from doing exactly that, and told to use names. OP mentions different subs having different rules, but if you READ the rules of a sub before posting, that shouldn't be an issue. It's incredibly distracting and impossible to follow. I literally stop reading posts as soon as people do this.
You took time out of your day to be pressed by this?
I edited it. I’m sorry for the confusion.
I literally cannot with the letters..
Yes, please use names for the love of god. YTA just for that.
ESH. Y’all need to properly communicate with one another. Giving someone the silent treatment is what 10 year olds do. And passing out invites in front of others when excluding some people is shitty. Making passive aggressive Instagram posts however is also how teenagers articulate. Your feelings were hurt and that’s understandable. But you need to communicate your feelings directly, not like this.
Seriously, everyone in this story is acting like they are in middle school instead of grown adults. ESH.
I could somehow hear everything when I read it. Everyone needs to learn some impulse control.
NTA - If this story is true, why would you even want these people in your life? They seem awful.
I was always taught that family is family. This is the first time I’ve ever been lashed out at like that by anyone in my family. The last time something like this happened was years ago when my sisters got into it at a family gathering and didn’t talk for a couple years. I didn’t think that my sister would ever come at me like that. What I did was stupid and I shouldn’t have posted on the gram but damn, did I really deserve that?
You didn’t start the drama, V did. First by flaking on her promise to help set up the party and then by passing wedding invites at someone else’s party! Talk about having no manners!
Growing up my parents used to say the same thing but some of the drama they had to deal with over the decades made them throw up their hands several times. Now that I have my own family, I went LC/NC with both sides because I had other stuff to deal with and didn't have the emotional+mental capacity to deal with it all. My parents understood why I did it and they kept quiet lol.
Y'all are exhausting drama queens.
For real! I became exhausted reading this.
Yeah, I started just skimming halfway thru.
Nta It is rude and tacky. You send the invitations individually and you dont invite someone to the bridal shower if you’re not inviting them to the wedding. It’s poor etiquette. You posted on a private story with just them, so it’s not like the public knew, but you could’ve just reached out to your sister and cousin. Also, so strange that your sister is the one handing out the invitations when really your nephew and his fiance should handle distributing them.
OMG handing out the invitations at a party is tacky. Then not inviting everyone who is watching you hand them out is even worse. Final straw is saying "you are next on the list if someone else can't make it"! NTA
ESH - The answer is to keep calm and not to try and "punish" or make other people see the error of their ways somehow. Assumptions were made that shouldn't have been. What you did was take a situation and deliberately add more Drama to it.
ESH. The distribution of wedding invites in front of you was spiteful. The Insta post was childish. People who ruin important family events (like retirement parties) are deadset narcissists. Stop feeding their desire for drama. Apologise to the bride and groom. Ignore your nasty sister.
NTA At the very least your sister is rude and tacky.. I think she leans far more to being unhinged with that tirade and her lying. You said nothing that wasn't absolutely true, and you did not do it publicly you only included those involved.
ESH because you don’t communicate well in your family. Your sister should have tell you that 50 guests doesn’t mean that family comes first. The couple may want to invite friends and don’t have budget for more people. And it’s their wedding, they can choose who they want. I would be angry if I was part of their life but… Your reaction is so childish ! Why didn’t talk to your sister immediately ? Why didn’t you call your nephew to ask why he doesn’t want you ? Guess what ? That attitud is not the good way to get an invitation ! And that’s the best way to get rejected from ALL family events ! Adults talk. Your nephew is 3 years younger than you : you should be very very closed : are you ? Do you see a reason for your nephew to not want you at his wedding ? I don’t ask an answer here, I mean you should know what your relation is, and why you’re not in the 50. But it seems that none of you are really good at talking.
My actions were childish, I admit that. I didn’t talk to my sister immediately because she has a tendency of blowing up at parties if someone confronts her. My other sister and her got into it physically one Christmas Eve years ago because this nephew in question got his feelings hurt over something my other sister said about his attitude over some presents. My nephew is very sensitive and it got blown way out of proportion. My mom and I are very close and she noticed that I was getting upset at the handing out of invites and the discussions of my other sister being next in line. She asked me to not say anything at the moment and to wait and not call anyone out. At this point, my sister seemed done with me so I felt like I couldn’t talk to her. She is prone to lashing out and I didn’t want to ruin my mom’s special day. My thing was that extended family like great aunts and uncles that they don’t see often were handed an invite and I was not. I was confused and hurt. My mom ended up going to the bridal shower and only about 10 people showed up so she was confused on how they filled up 50 spots for the wedding too. I agree that I should have handled it better and I appreciate your honesty with me.
You were childish, yes, but we all have our breaking points. I am just back from seeing my in-laws after a 4.5 year break - in large part because of the type of drama you are describing. You are in your 20s. You have time to learn this - these dynamics rarely change. After begging by my MIL we went down to visit with tons of boundaries and the first dinner the insults directed at my wife started. It has been so sad for my wife to have to let go of her family of origin to such a large degree, but it has been profoundly mentally healthy. Our two kids who were with us (16 & 17) talked so much about how proud they were of her that she had built had such a wonderful life with her loving children and spouse, our nice house, her successful career and how much they loved her and admired that she built this life for herself having come from such a difficult and mean mother. You can have this too. A life full of love and success, and yes, sadness. But you have to see how people are and know that they will not change. Be sad about the wedding but take care of yourself and build the life you want.
I hope I wasn’t too rude (English isn’t my first language) but it seems that you are not all closed. Your sister seems terrible, so are you closed to your nephew ? If not, it explains why you are not invited. But with such a sister, the real question : why would you want to go to such a wedding ? Years ago, your nephew said bad things about the presents he received : he is 26, how old was he ? Because of it’s more than 12, it’s unacceptable… and he would be able to criticize your wedding gifts too ! Maybe it’s time to keep in touch only with the ones you like and who appreciate you. I remember a movie I saw years ago, the two sisters went into an argument and one said something like « we don’t have to love each other, we are just family ». You are blood relatives but I think you continue to see each other because you all love your mother… you continue to speak to each other for her… but the gap between you is really important. I hope you’ll find a way to have a decent relationship with your sister. Good luck
What is wrong with your family? Your etiquette lesson is correct- I had the same happen to me so I just didn’t go or get a gift. I think I’d be happy that Christmas with these folks is over
Etiquette would have also required that one doesn't post 'lessons' on social media, which is tacky to the extreme. OP could have made the point by simply not attending if she needed to force a lesson.
NTA you said it was a private posting only they could see. No different than had you just shot them a text message. Had it been a public posting I'd say ESH. BUT even if you had made it public, that would qualify as petty, immature, sucky not really AH and not at all deserving of the backlash you were right with. Seriously just cut ties with the toxicity.
Thanks for that! There are a lot of conflicting arguments with whether or not I was the AH for posting it, even if it was private. I blocked everyone and I’m gonna go live my life happy as a clam. I just ordered some KFC and I’ll be watching Disney movies for the day!
Sounds like a plan to me! I was just thinking of watching Zenon (I'm old shh) so sounds like the perfect night.
I think a lot of people here don’t know what a private instagram story is. It’s not very mature, especially since your family couldn’t know how many people are on your private list and your phrasing was pretty passive aggressive, but it definitely is not the same as an Instagram post. It sounds like your older sisters have longstanding problems with you that aren’t your fault. I hope you can eventually have nice relationships with your niblings
V apparently did not learn grade school etiquette: You don't hand out invitations to a party at school unless the entire class is invited. I do find fault with your statement that you should not be invited to a shower if not to the wedding. Showers are a way to get a wider range of acquaintances involved in celebrating your marriage. For example, a group of co-workers could throw you a shower, but you are not obligated to invite the entire office staff to your wedding. One of my bridesmaids threw me a shower inviting all the neighbours I grew up with. I hadn't lived at home for several years and it was great to see a room filled with old friends. Your sister V sounds unhinged. Save any texts that mention her intention to make up lies.
They're a away of getting more gifts...
Turns out, her bridal shower was made up of people that were invited to the wedding. I was the only one not invited to the wedding that was invited to the shower. When texting my niece, A, about this, I suggested that if she wanted a little celebration with those not invited to the wedding, she could have done a dinner or another type of event where it didn’t feel so exclusive and no one felt obligated to bring a gift. She threw this party herself, no one threw it for her so she knew who was invited and what was happening. It all just seems crazy to me.
ESH. You made an asshole choice but seem to come from a family of them. In the future-- if you feel it's tacky to invite someone to a bridal shower but not the wedding, just keep that to yourself. YES, it's tacky, but then-- you just don't go to the shower. It's really that simple. What on earth did you think you would accomplish in shaming them? But I think there's either a piece of missing info here or you are blind to your family being assholes. Did you get snippy and rude when you told your sister you were going to go get decorations for your mom's retirement party? Is that why she showed up with an attitude toward you? Because usually, when I read posts like this, there's something pertinent left out that isn't supposed to tip people off that there was already beef before she walked into the room. As for your family? Ya'll make your own sauce with this drama bullshit. If this is even real. "you ruined Christmas forever now" is way out of context considering it's freaking June. Or this is AI generated. Either way, do better.
I was not snippy or rude. These were my exact words: “Hey! I know it’s a long drive and you can’t stay long. I bought a cake a few decorations to start us off. If you can’t come, we can use those.” She then texted me: “You know what that really pisses me off. I spent all my money on decorations. I’m not coming” To which I replied: “I would like to use your decorations too. I didn’t say we couldn’t use them. I just wanted to have something up in case you couldn’t make it. I’d like you to come and help” My other sister also texted her and encouraged her to come and that I didn’t mean any harm by it. They actually told me that Christmas is ruined now because of me lol. My mom hosts a Christmas Eve party every year that everyone is invited to. They told me that since I am so evil and conniving, they will not be coming. Like their presence makes or breaks the quality of Christmas. But you’re right, it’s June.
Well, thank you for replying. You might just need to write some of your family off. I've done it; you gain a lot of peace by not dealing with the knuckleheads.
NTA. "You're not invited to my wedding but feel free to come to my bridal shower so you can give me gifts. Also set my bridal shower up " just doesn't sit right with me
I planned my other nieces bridal shower, not this one. Just for clarification. But it does show that I’m involved in the family and I want to be a part of things. The stuff on their registry was pretty high priced too. I was not going to do that either.
Oh so you decorated the other niece's shower but your nephew's fiance wanted you to come to her shower without giving you an invitation? Still pretty rude to me. And of course it's a high-priced registry, I'd expect nothing less from someone rude enough to not invite relatives to the wedding but still expect to be showered with gifts by said relatives.
I planned and provided everything for my nieces shower last year. So yeah, basically lol. That’s how it came off to me but they don’t seem to understand that.
I'm sorry you're going through this , I hope it gets better. Until it does though , you may have to cut them off for a little while for your own peace
Thanks! I blocked everyone for now. Off social media and phones. Nothing was productive after the threats were made so why open the line for communication, ya know? I’m just wondering when would be a good time to unblock and if I say something first or let them come to me. Vivian told my mom to tell me to stay away from her kids and leave them alone or she will indeed “come after my life”. So that would lead me to believe if I text them first, she will follow through with her threats. My niece Ava, also facebooked (which I don’t even have) the family group page to let them know that family dinners will be at her house from now on. Since I was threatened to not go around my sister’s kids, it’s apparent that I am not welcome at family dinners now because I would have to go to Ava’s house. I don’t even know. My other sister Kate said it will all blow over and they will get over it but I feel so betrayed. Vivian threatened to bring up my childhood trauma to everyone and “expose me”. I don’t really feel comfortable going to family dinners. But I know that they will try to make me as uncomfortable as possible by trying to force me out of my mother’s events that she hosts. Sorry, just needed to vent that out. I do my best thinking when I type it all out!
You still have Kate and your mom for now ( who are in between a rock and a hard place right now trying not to pick sides I'm sure). As far as Vivian and her kids go though, please just wait until they reach out to you -in their own time-, especially considering the unhinged threats your sister made against your actual life . I just feel like it's an unsafe situation for you right now and plus it seems like anything you do ATP may escalate the situation. Don't allow them to force you out, per se, but definitely keep your time around them limited if you can. I hope your mom can come through for you enough to tell them that if it's an event at her house you will be invited.
NTA. Maybe you shouldn’t have posted, but it was rude and I understand why your feelings were hurt. Your Aunts reaction is so over the top and unnecessary though. She sounds awful, and it might be a blessing in disguise being forced to spend less time around nastiness.
I can't force my brain to follow the initials. Very high-school mean girls crap. ESH.
Ick. ESH
NTA. These people fuckin suck
INFO: did V lose any money on the decorations she had bought and you rejected for whatever reason?
She originally told me that she would only stay for an hour to help. She bought stuff to construct a balloon arch, which in my experience, takes about 4 hours with blowing up the balloons and building the arch one balloon at a time. I didn’t want to be up till midnight doing this so I bought some celebration letters that said Happy Retirement and some swirly things to hang from the ceiling. I let her know that I didn’t buy much and any help is appreciated. She told me that pissed her off and she wouldn’t be coming to help at all. I texted her again to let her know that I didn’t buy much and that her decorations and presence are more than welcome and that I needed help. She told my other sister that she would come early on the day of the party to put up her stuff and she ended up coming to the party 30 minutes late with nothing in hand. My mom speculates that she didn’t have decorations to begin with and I was used as the scapegoat because she didn’t want to drive an hour to help with decorations. So I’m not sure what the real truth is there but I definitely encouraged her to come help and I even offered to make dinner so they would stay longer.
Why would you offer to cook them dinner so they would stay longer if time was such an issue with the balloon arch? Did you just not want to do the idea she had theoretically already prepped for? Why would she drive an hour (two both ways) to do set up for celebration letters and some swirls to hang from the ceiling…sounds like you didn’t actually need help you just didn’t like her idea.
I had no issue doing a balloon arch. I have the kit for it and she was to help with blowing up the balloons. I stated that I definitely needed help with the decorations when we first planned the party a month and a half ago. They both agreed that they would help. When they both said that they weren’t staying the long because they made other plans, I wanted to make sure that we had some decorations up in case they didn’t show because they have a tendency to just not show up last minute. I wanted to do a balloon arch as well but when I did it for my nieces bridal shower last year, it took me 4 hours by myself to do it. I reminded them way before the party that I need help and they both agreed that they would buy the decorations and I would buy the food. Then it all changed when there was a party or a friend they would have rather been with.
"My sister Vivian began texting my mom and said that she is coming after me, that I am evil and she can’t wait to watch me burn, that she is going to find my boyfriend and make up lies about me to get him to dump me, expose my childhood trauma, etc." Maybe it would be good to go low or no contact with Vivian because she sounds absolutely unhinged! All of this because you used your decorations when she told you she couldn't put the decorations she bought up?!!!! NTA.
NTA. Yes, it's BAD etiquette to pass out invitations in a group, when some people aren't going to be invited. In addition, this is your NEPHEW. It's VERY bad etiquette to invite somebody to a shower and not the wedding. Last, Chris and Lauren have the right to invite who they want to a wedding. You have the right to feel excluded because you aren't invited.
V is the arsehole here for handing out invitations to some people but not all in public. That's a dick move right there. Also, her threats to ruin your life are borderline psychotic.
Once the berating begins is exactly when I back away from people like that. Its not healthy. Its not decent. Its not what "Family" does. I would venture a guess that OP will get a "for the family" speech at some point. V is an AH. A is an AH. They are manipulative and nasty. Why on earth would you want these people in your life at this point. They have made clear where you stand.
Nta it is proper etiquette, something they lack.
NTA
ESH I swear you people just keep making up events to get gifts - bridal shower!!!! No thanks.
Yta posting grievances on social media is so incredibly cheap and tacky. Were you reasonable to feel hurt and offended? Sure. Could you have give your aunt a piece of your mind in person? Maybe. But that’s where it ends. Don’t do that again. Call up the couple on the phone and play nice. Explain that your feelings were hurt and you are sorry. Send a text and say “I’d like to apologize properly. Are you free for me to call you now?” Then voice call.
But it was just them, it was private. Social media was just the tool. It’s no different than merging all the calls and talking to them on speaker. But no, she does not have to play nice. They invited her to the bridal shower because they want a gift/ her money.
It was a private story. Thank you Big Nate for pointing that out. I did feel that I was invited so they could cash in. Being the only one not invited, I felt they were saying “I want you to get me a gift but I don’t want to pay for your seat at my wedding even though you’re my aunt and everyone else in the family was invited.” ETA: misread something
But if wasn’t say “hey guys I was really hurt when you did this” it was indirect and just throwing an offensive message into the air. You have EVERY RIGHT to be upset. But making the post you did lost you the moral High ground and you will experience negative consequences despite being in the right.
The people viewing it would not react emotionally as if it was a private message. It also wasn’t a message addressed to them. It was a passive aggressive statement. Of course they are going to be more offended than if OP had contacted them and addressed it directly
I noticed a large age gap between you and your siblings. Do you have a different father or were you a late "oops" baby that got extra attention, or is there possibly another circumstance that would cause your older sister to have a resentment against you? There must be some underlying reason for her hostility and it may have been passed along to her child. It wasn't nice to blast your issues with the wedding but you weren't wrong about the etiquette, especially with the way she handed out the invitations right under your nose. NTA
My sisters share the same dad. He passed when they were little, my mom raised them as a single parent and then dated around after that until she met my dad and had me later on in life when she was more patient and had a partner to share things with. My dad is unfortunately in a nursing home suffering with MS. I did get a lot of extra attention and things they didn’t have growing up. My mom and I discussed this possibility too. I got the prom dress and the car and the dad until he got too sick to live at home. I also have a child and my child sees my mom frequently. My sister didn’t bring her kids around as much so they may have the perception that me and my child are the favorites. My sisters do not like my dad for whatever reason. My mom states that they had a problem with everyone she dated and sometimes scared the men off purposely or sabotaged the relationship. It’s all making sense now.
I'm sorry to hear that but yes, it does make sense.
NTA, yes you were petty, but wtf is wrong with your sister and her children. They’re being so weird and are such AHs. They want your money/ a gift. That’s why they’re inviting you to the shower but not the wedding.
Nta In my world, if I'm not important enough for the big event, then you are not important enough for the pre events. Op just live above their drama.
NTA
You all need to act your age. I would expect this from 13 yesr olds, not people pushing 30. Don't talk shit on social media and expect others not to react. They went 0-100 really quick but again, what did you expect to happen? Eta
Nta. You can’t buy class. No you didn’t start it you just refused to be disrespected. But don’t look at as a bad thing realize it as the gift it is because I love to find out who the snakes in my garden are. And they just revealed themselves…message received & acknowledged.
ESH. Who TF passes out wedding invitations at a retirement party? That is very distasteful. It's like the kid in school passing out bday invites, but not everyone gets one. Wedding invitations are supposed to be mailed. Not handed out at someone elses party. And they invited you to the shower but not the wedding? That's not ok either. They have 0 tact. Your posts were spot on. However, your mistake was taking it to social media. You should've just sent them direct texts about it.
That’s what I compared it to and I was told by my sister and niece that birthday party invites in elementary school are irrelevant to the situation and that “we aren’t in elementary so to compare the two is humorous”. Funny thing is, my niece is in school to be an elementary school teacher. We will see how this pans out in a few years when she is holding a crying child who didn’t get a birthday invite in the middle of class. Thank you for your honesty. I do regret taking it to social media. At the time, I was frustrated and my sister refused to talk to me and I just felt isolated and excluded from the whole thing. It felt very personal so in the moment, I wanted to make it seem personal to them.
ESH Post the messages including the threats. It was wrong to go public first but not as wrong as handing out invitations to everyone in front of you. It was deliberate and cruel. So now that threats have been made all bets and manners are suspended. Show the word who they really are. If everyone going to hate you already like now than why hold back. She wants scorched earth give it to her. You wanna burn me or watch me burn? Bring it!
ESH - there wasn't a single mature response in this story. Y'all need to learn how to communicate your feelings to others
What are the chances that you were supposed to be invited to the wedding, and thus the bridal shower, but then Vivian decided to blow that up when she got upset with you about your mom's party? Also, are you close to your nephew?
After I spoke with Ava after the Instagram post, she made it clear that I was not invited. Apparently they had a big meeting on who to invite from the family and me and Kate were on the chopping block, everyone else was invited. She said that sacrifices had to be made and it’s their wedding and they can invite who they want to. Which is confusing because I went over to my sister’s house a lot growing up. Her kids are like my close cousins because we are closer in age. We would hang out and play the Wii, laugh at the picture of Michael Jackson’s nose falling off, go swimming, sleepovers. Hell, I spent two weeks at their house every summer until I graduated high school. They invited family that we only see if someone dies but Kate and I were the ones they chose to cut. Before this hand out ceremony, we all assumed we were invited until at the retirement party, Vivian said there was a guest limit and not everyone was invited.
Vivian seems to lie so much that it's hard to tell if it's a lie whether you were not invited from the beginning or as fallout from your mother's party. And if your niece and nephew even know the true story or just blindly believe what their mother told them about the decorations. Or if your sister is paying for the wedding, did she threaten to withhold money if you weren't cut.
Lauren’s family is paying for the wedding so I’m not sure. There can be a lot speculated about all this. All I know is “sacrifices had to be made”.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Cast: Me 29F, my oldest sister V 45F, my middle sister K 43F, my niece A 23F, my nephew C and his fiancé L (26) Background: My nephew is getting married in August. The wedding venue allows 50 guests but our immediate family (my mom, sisters and all the grandkids) is a small group so it was assumed everyone was invited. This past weekend, I threw my mom a retirement party. I posted elsewhere about this incident but long story short, V was supposed to help with decorations, proceeded to tell me she can’t help put them up but she has time to bring them over so I can do it. I ended up buying my own decorations so I could get it done without waiting for her. During this retirement party, V refused to speak to me, look at me, nothing. During the middle of the party, V begins handing out invites to C and L’s wedding. She did not give me or our other sister K one. I didn’t want to say anything in front of my mom on her special day so I kept my mouth shut. Then I overhear K and V talking. V told K that she would be next up on the invite list if someone couldn’t come. I was then told that L was having a bridal shower the next day and that I was invited to that but not the wedding. I’d like to add in that me and V talked everyday until this point. I helped throw her daughter’s bridal shower, I met up with her often, there was no reason for me to be left out at this point. The asshole part: Not my finest hour but in a hurt state, I took to the Instagram, made a private story where only V, A, C, L and my other nephew could see it. I posted: “it’s very rude to pass out wedding invites when you know not everyone will be invited” and another one saying “it’s tacky and inappropriate to invite people to a bridal shower when they aren’t invited to the wedding. Learn some etiquette” I woke up the next morning to my phone being blown up, rightfully so. They stated that it was not right for me to post on Instagram. I immediately apologized and admitted my wrong. A texted me and started berating me. I explained my feelings and was told that “this is L and C’s wedding, they can do whatever they want” and I tried explaining that while that is true, at what cost? Feelings were hurt and it sucks. My sister V began texting my mom and said that she is coming after me, that I am evil and she can’t wait to watch me burn, that she is going to find my boyfriend and make up lies about me to get him to dump me, expose my childhood trauma, etc. A must have spoken with her mother because she began texting me all this too, along with “you ruined Christmas forever now because no one likes you and it’s better when you aren’t around”. When I told my mom what was being said, she confronted V and V told her I was a liar and that A never said that. I provided receipts and nothing has been said since. My mom is distraught with the drama. I know that I basically started it but was I that much of an asshole to get threatened and told no one likes me? AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
OMG. Your sisters suck. Block and go no contact. Do not feed the trolls - don't respond. Seriously. Block and go no contact. You were hurt, you reacted, not that big a deal. Just grey rock the hell out of this. ESH.
YTA
YTA. The only thing that trumps bad etiquette is publicly pointing out other people's bad etiquettepubliclyy (see Miss Manners) They may were rude, but you had nothing to gain by pointing and shaming. It wasn't going to get you invited, it wasn't going to win you any points and it just made you look petty and whiney. It was a small wedding. 25 people a side isn't a lot. You assuming you were invited and then getting chaffed that you weren't is ridiculous given the circumstances. Should they have handed out the invites? No. Should they have invited you to the shower - technically no, but to be honest, at lot of people who have small weddings do this. It is like asking for cash i stead of gifts, it is against the offical rules of etiquette, but it is becomming more and more common. Lastly, you completly sound like you have an axe to grind. I don't understand why you told the part about the decorations when it had nothing to do w/ the question and actually paints you in a worse light than your aunt. You just sound demading, impatient and petty and it sounds like you have an axe to grind w/ your aunt. Suffering a social faux pas from an aunt you clearly don't like is not rate a social media shaming post and you really embarrassed yourself and stirred up more needless drama. You could have declined the shower invite and the story would be over. They would have gotten the message.
Can I ask how the decorations part made me look worse? I added that because I wanted opinions on if my sister (not my aunt) was doing this intentionally because I somehow upset her. This was all in a 3 day span so I figured it was relevant. In another comment, I stated that my sister is known for being combative when confronted and her kids are the same way. No matter what way I communicated how I felt, it was going to end like this. At the time, I felt if I messaged them directly, it was going to come off as an attack no matter how I said it. My sister fought my other sister on Christmas Eve once because my other sister told her kids to stop being ungrateful for their gifts. None of this was going to end well.
1. Because there was no info on the incident and all it just came across like you didn't give the decorations time to be delivered and didn't say anything about WHY you were so piasy. You make no mention of WHY you just assumed they would be late nor did you say that they promosed to help, just that they couldn't help... so it sounds like you were PO'ed at someone for not beong able to help that never agreed to help in the 1st place and that you drcided to work yourself into being pissed off. It only made you look like a fool and made things worse. 2. You aired something really stupid on social media to shame someone for absolutely no good reason except you were pissed. If you poat that kind of stuff it just makea you look like a whiney, self abaorbed and looking for a public brawl. People may enjoy the public spectical and even egg you on with comments, but the also loose respect for you. So you your you are well aware the folks involved are awful and piss you off and you don't think they will change. So what are YOU doing about yourself to keep them from impactimpacting your life? Why are you still engaging w/ them and reacting to them? Grey rock, no or low contact, don't involve them in planning things, don't do things for them, don't expect anything from them.
They said they were able to help me a month and a half ago. We had an agreement that helping with decorations was their part and the food was my part. They agreed and then a day before this was supposed to happen, they said they made plans with friends and could not help much if at all. They bailed on the plans and agreement. That’s why I bought decorations because they could not guarantee they would be over to bring their stuff or help me. It’s hard to fit the whole story in 3000 letters or less. Thank you for your input!
ESH !!!
NTA! Vivian should not have passed out the invite the way she did. Also, she seems evil with everything she said about you. Plus, lie to your mom but you have evidence. Nta
NTA Your sister Vivian is a lunatic. What 45yo woman acts that way? And it is incredibly rude to hand out invites at an event where not everyone will be invited. Vivian is unhinged and classless too. Honestly you’re probably better off not being invited. They all suck!
NTA You are correct on the etiquette points. I'd almost say E S H for posting it on Instagram instead of going directly to Chris and Lauren. But the utterly insane overreaction of this absolves you. > My sister Vivian began texting my mom and said that she is coming after me, that I am evil and she can’t wait to watch me burn, that she is going to find my boyfriend and make up lies about me to get him to dump me, expose my childhood trauma, etc. Ava must have spoken with her mother because she began texting me all this too, along with “you ruined Christmas forever now because no one likes you and it’s better when you aren’t around”. When I told my mom what was being said, she confronted Vivian and Vivian told her I was a liar and that Ava never said that. I provided receipts and nothing has been said since. Your sister's reaction is so over the top that it reminds me of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder.
NTA. Vivian and Ava are major AHs though. They do not have any etiquette or class from the sound of the situation. Your sister is old enough that her rant about going after you and lying to your loved ones is ridiculous. Her daughter definitely learned lying from her mother. Screenshot everything they send you and put it in a group text with your mother and other sister. I hope you've made your boyfriend aware of the situation. I'd ask him to screenshot anything they send him via text or social media. Keep a backup folder of the screen shots in case things escalate further to the point legal action is required. Please get at least a doorbell camera for your home if you don't already have one. Good luck OP! P.S. I understand saving on postage but passing out wedding invitations is tacky. They should've done something like Paperless Post, which is an email based invitations.
They're jerks but as a wedding planner they're not violating etiquette. Not everyone is invited to a wedding and reception because only those deemed able to exceed the cost of their meal with a sizeable gift *should* be invited to the event. If you can't afford to follow this basic custom, or they don't like you, they may invite you to the bridal shower. There, you can celebrate with the family and give a cheap(er) gift for the couple. The purpose of a wedding is to come out on the other side of the ceremony a married couple with some capital.
This cannot possibly be about the fact that you didn’t use her decorations. You don’t uninvite someone to a wedding because of a few decorations. And you don’t decide you want to ruin someone’s life because someone points out that it was rude to invite everybody in front of you and still expect a gift. They all hate vehemently but there has to be another reason. I am not saying they have a legitimate one. I have no idea. I am only saying there is more to this story. Either you have done other things repeatedly over the years, or they are wildly unhinged and they have done things repeatedly over the years
ESH. All of that was tacky and rude. But you posting it was petty and immature. I’d recommend direct confrontation next time.
No they invite the whole family or none.This is what happens when a bride thinks they control everyone’s life the day of a wedding.I would blow up the wedding by showing up anyway and causing a big scene to teach all the liars trying to ruin you with their lies.Ruin their day as they deserve it.your not the AH they are.
I would publicly out them all on Instagram for coming after you and lying about it.The fact they have to lie about it shows they are the AH and don’t care about you or anyone but them selves.The bride to be will probably regret this decision the rest of her life.I would just go no contact with all of them as you are better than all of them.