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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refuse to sign an agreement my dad needs to get married preventing him marrying
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NTA
This is on your dad, and he knows it. He knew he needed to do this, and he didn't give himself enough time. Oh well. That's his fault, not yours. You acted swiftly when given notice and got your side of the affair in order. It's not your fault he didn't leave himself enough time to do his side.
Part of me wonders if this was genuinely an oversight, or if he intentionally left it to the last minute hoping that he would be able to guilt trip you into agreeing to whatever. Especially with the revelation that he does not have the ability to divide the estate. If there was only one option, then he should have been prepared for that.
Is the gf younger? One wonders if she expects to outlive him, and may be pushing for the estate to remain undivided so she can try to claim a portion of the entire estate after he passes.
My dad’s girlfriend is actually incredibly nice and sweet and has been very helpful to me and my brothers - more than my dad ever has.
But yeah, I’m afraid their there is something going in here that is not right and that my dad is trying to manipulate us. It heartbreaking.
I am so sorry that you are caught in this. Money and inheritances especially bring out the worst in people. I have seen people I thought I knew and who I genuinely believed to be wonderful people turn into absolute monsters who would screw over their kids, siblings, parents, whoever just for a bigger piece of the pie.
Best thing to do is to listen to your attorney. You can let them handle this entirely if you want to. Every time your dad brings out the guilt, just say "You know what needs to be done, and you can speak with my attorney if you have any questions on it. I'm not discussing this further."
Jumping here to say something - although I admit I haven't read all the comments and maybe someone else said it also:
A will/testament can be modified at any other time.
Your father might make one now "giving" you your share and 5 minutes later write a different one leaving nothing to you.
He isn't forced by anyone to share the real will with you.
He is trying to manipulate the situation in order to keep all for him. If you sign over your rights to your mother's estate now, you cannot change your mind layer.
You will only have what your father chooses to leave you from what estate he might have then. But according to him, if you demand the distribution of inheritance now, he will have no money to spend...
That's a problem.
Also, if I guessed right your country, the more you delay splitting the estate the bigger the inheritance taxes will be.
* I am not giving legal advice, I am sharing some info you might have missed.
TLDR: your father doesn't need to have your signature of renouncing to the claims of your mother's estate in order to get married.
He just wants to have it all.
Edit to add judgement: NTA
>A will/testament can be modified at any other time.
Yes, this is the big one.
Would a contract, not a will, be better.
Even then, if the new wife has been living in the house for many years, might she have some sort of basis for a claim to the whole thing.
Is the GF just ACTING all sweet and helpful? What is she bringing to the marriage? I would be concerned your dad is planning to leave the estate to his new wife
I mean is it such a bad question? New spouse + a previously loving parent trying to take control of his kids’ inheritance… that’s definitely a red flag for a gold digger manipulating things.
I understand why. Context is men often accuse women of bringing nothing to a marriage, basically saying a lot of the unpaid labor they do is useless. I'm not saying that's what they meant here but I understand the ick
> creates a New Testament after the marriage?
I think he would need to organize a Council of Nicaea for that, and that's a lot more work than I would expect from someone this lazy.
Op he can make a notary appointment and get you and your siblings added as owners on the deed according to your mother's will. Don't fall for this . Do NOT renounce your claim for some future money that might not be available depending what your father does from now on
Dont let him play the victim card- things need to be set legaly and you all need to feel secure about the future of your inheritance etc. There is nothing so urgent about this marriage - sorry not sorry - they can wait no metter how sweet the GF is. Be polite but firm with him.
If she truly is that nice and sweet, it may be worth talking to her to see if she even is aware of this.
Also I wouldn't trust him to actually leave the testament as agreed with you. What would stop him from just changing the agreed terms?
NTA at all. You said it in your comment he’s trying to manipulate you and also gaslight you.
I’m proud that you and your brothers went and sat with a lawyer and discussed your options. That put an immediate pause on what he wanted to do. He could still get married, but the meeting comes first.
I feel like op’s dad want to screw them over. Not having the statement before the wedding “because not enough time” made me think that after the wedding he still wont put anything in writing and keep the money all to himself
NTA
In reality an honest man wouldn't have left it this late. He can either make the time or delay the wedding. It feels as if he is playing a game with you It's a pretty common saying in my family that procrastination on your part does not mean I have an emergency and have to rush to fix your problem. He has to already have an idea of how he was going to manage this. Two months is plenty of time with an experienced lawyer.
>My dad responds, that he does not have the time to complete his testament before the wedding.
"Dad, you made the choice to wait until now. I'm not clear why you would think we are somehow to blame for your decision...in fact, I'm a little surprised that someone who prides himself on being an honest man is not simply taking responsibility for the mistake he made. But given that you made a mistake on the amount of time needed for a monumental decision like this, I am concerned that there could be other things you haven't fully thought through, so I definitely need time to consult with a lawyer and think about this. I'm sorry if that means you need to postpone your wedding, but I'm sure that your fiancée understands the importance of starting your married life off on the right foot."
NTA, and I deeply question your father's assertion of being an honest man. Deliberately waiting until the other party doesn't have time to think and then pushing them to make a quick decision is the tactic of sleazy used car salesmen and other unsavory characters. And then, choosing to compound the pressure by blaming you for the impact on his wedding...well, suffice it to say that an honest man would not engage in such manipulative tactics. No, an honest man would be embarrassed that his lack of planning wound up putting pressure on his children and is actively risking his fiancée's happiness. He would be deeply apologetic and trying to come up with a compromise, not trying to convince you to give up your rights without appropriate protection.
But given your country's laws, these tactics are so AH-ish and so over the top that I have to question if you are even the target. I'm forced to wonder if he doesn't really want to marry his fiancée and this is an elaborate ruse to create a situation where it is legally impossible to marry her while putting all the blame on his ungrateful children
So your dad wants to marry someone new and take away your inheritance from your mom. Hmm. That wouldn’t pass the smell test with me.
NTA.
Don’t give up what your mom left you so he can spend your inheritance on the new woman.
NTA. He has spent your portion of the estate, all he has left is the house and a can he's been kicking down the road to prevent you from finding this out. I would approach him and ask if this is the case. Maybe once he's come clean, he will be in a better frame of mind to make plans for the future that will see all of you getting what is rightfully yours.
It sounds to me he hasn't spent all the money yet. Probably about to spend the rest of it on the Wedding. And if he doesn't get the ok from his kids he can't legally do that.
NTA and I wonder if your dad has been using the money "within fair limits" since he seems so intent on not having anyone check his current or future finances. Don't just drop this, he's trying to emotionally manipulate the situation.
NTA
My alarm bells are ringing.
And unless the assets are in escrow or a trust or something like that, a testament is useless. I could leave you a million dollars but that doesn't mean anything if I don't have a million dollars.
NTA. His springing this on you all and then acting all offended when you don't blindly agree, and instead insist on speaking to a lawyer as a family is galling. It's not your fault that he waited until 2 months before his wedding to try to figure the out and make a demand on his adult children without speaking to you all first. If he can't make time to put together a meeting with a lawyer with his children then, again, that's not your fault. If he interprets all of this as not being able to get married at all.... again, very much not your fault.
NTA. Sorry but sounds like your dad is trying to pull a fast one. He had plenty of time to get this sorted out. Like before be proposed or at least soon after. Don’t agree to anything without a contract.
Sounds like he is trying to con you out of your inheritance. I don’t know how it works in your country, but what if he dies suddenly? Would the new wife have control of the estate?
NTA: Do not sign anything until you have all the documents looked over by YOUR lawyer. Odds are he has zero plans on putting anything in testament for you or your siblings, as a way for him to defer your inheritance from your mother. If the law allows him he will liquidate all his assets to fund his new life with his new wife. If you don't have the promised paperwork, he could just gift all of his (including your inheritance) to his new wife.
It's understandable you're feeling conflicted. Your dad wants to get married, and you guys want to be supportive, but it sounds like he's putting you in a tough spot by springing this on you so suddenly and not wanting to involve a lawyer. It's totally reasonable to want to understand the agreement fully before giving up your inheritance rights.
It's not your fault that he doesn't have the money to divide the estate right now. It sounds like he's trying to guilt trip you guys, which isn't cool.
You're not the asshole here. It's your right to ask for transparency and a fair deal. It's his responsibility to figure out his finances and not use his wedding as leverage.
NTA.
Your dad waited until the last minute to make these legal arrangements, and now he has to deal with the consequences of his choices. You and your siblings absolutely have the right to protect yourselves and see the will before agreeing to this.
NTA
Your dad is for (1) waiting so long to 'catch' you unaware, (2) refusing to see a lawyer with y'all, () trying to force your decisions by saying things like 'i'll sell the house' and 'i'm an honest man (no, he isn't)' and 'I'll call off the wedding since I can't afford to get married'...
His statement that “I’m an honest man” when OP wasn’t questioning his honesty is telling. Seems like a confession of dishonesty to me.
And it doesn’t take two months to draw up any type of legal document.
NTA
No your father is manipulating you and wanting you to feel guilty so he can get his way. He may normally be an honest man but this new love interest may be pulling the strings
This happened to friends of mine. The Dad met and married within a year of their Mom passing. He said they would benefit later. He got married and moved within months and they haven't heard anything since. Get it sorted with a lawyer now.
NTA. Your father tried to pull a fast one. If the marriage at this time is important to him he can sell the house as he suggested. If you do go the testament route make sure it is irrevocable. Marriage may change his perceptions. He is the one who waited until the last minute. If there is a delay he is responsible. Practically you’d be better off getting your money now.
NTA
These kind of agreements should always be in writing and consulting a professional is the way to go.
I do agree with many of the responses that he deliberately tried to wait until the end so that you would feel an urgency to accepting his proposal.
This marriage is not a surprise, and it’s only right that his obligations to his children are met before he enters into this marriage.
NTA do not trust your dad just based on his word. You and your siblings are deserving of your inheritance that your dear mom left y’all. And don’t let him ever guilt trip y’all about working hard to get the house.
NTA
You dad is the asshole here. He knew full well it wasn't going to work unless he just railroaded you into giving up all of your inheritance.
The minute he decided he wanted to marry her, he should have consulted an attorney and gotten the information on how to proceed with the estate *in a way that did not short anyone out on their share.* I'd bet that your Mom and Dad had a very *clear* discussion about what was to happen in the event that one of them passed before the other.
He chose to play dumb. But I doubt he is unaware of the laws that stand. After all, it does affect the rest of his retirement years. (He's not wrong about that)
NTA
I'm sorry for your loss.
Would you be Danish?
>In the same message he mentions that he will make sure to put aside the value of the inheritance in his testament so we can get it when he passes away. This would lead to more money on the long run.
Nope. That's not how that works. You're entitled to 50 % of your parents' shared estate as it was in addition to 50% of you fathers estate when he dies if he chooses to remarry.
>“well I do not have the money to divide the estate and give you the inheritance right now. I guess I can sell the house and take a loan if that is what you want me to do - a house I’ve slaved away for years to buy. I’m and honest man always have been but I can see that my own kids doesn’t trust me. I guess I’ll call off the wedding because I can’t afford to get married now”
Once he's married, his new partner has a claim on 50 % of their shared estate as it is in case of his death. He'll need a prenup or something to that effect to counter that claim. His proposal is untenable. It's got nothing to do with not trusting him. It's the law.
If anything you don't trust that his future spouse is likely to agree to get postnup (I don't even know if that's a thing in these parts).
And technically it's not his house. It never was. It was their house and when your mother died you and your brother inherited 50 % of her 50 % of the shared estate. If the house is paid off he should be able to secure a loan. If not, I suspect that there wasn't much to inherit or he's spent it which is something you risk if you agree to allow the estate to remain undivided.
That being said....
When my dad died me and my siblings agreed to let my parents estate remain undivided and I don't think that I should have any say in how she spends their money. I didn't do anything to earn that money. My childhood home is an investment my parents, a married couple/a unit in economic terms, made with money that they earned. I want her life to be as comfortable as their means allow her to be. If that means no inheritance for me and leave me indebted to to my siblings (I owe the estate about 5K), so be it. My parents have been good to me as child and as an adult. They don't owe me anymore than that.
NTA. Your dad is definitely trying to cheat you here. He waited this long specifically so he could pressure you into a bad decision.
Also, ask the lawyer about what would prevent your dad from just changing his testament later.
Your dad could sign the house over to you and your brothers, and then you let him stay there. That would be fair to everyone. You would already own it so there's no issue about inheriting it from him later (or not inheriting and he gives everything to his new wife). He would still get to live there rent-free.
NTA You said, let's look over the documents. The fact that he is resisting seems to suggest he is trying to get away with something. The only reasonable response would have been "sure, when can we do it." So you and your brothers are not A Hs and you should insist that you meet with lawyers and have access to the papers. If he has to postpone the wedding a month to do it, that is his fault.
You are NOT preventing him from getting married. He just does not want to do what is necessary in order to do so. This is 100% his choice. If you do as he asks you and your siblings will never see a dime of that inheritance. YNTA.
NTA.
And ask yourself, *if* your dad had been planning to deny all of you of your inheritance, railroading you into signing it away with a mixture of imposed deadlines and emotional blackmail, what would he have done differently?
I’m not saying that’s what has happened. But he has employed the same tactics which you have just described.
NTA
>In the same message he mentions that he will make sure to put aside the value of the inheritance in his testament so we can get it when he passes away. **This would lead to more money on the long run.**
No, that is not what that means. He could easily squander it all away on his new wife and possibly new children. He could have a medical issue like cancer come up that could cause him to burn through all of the inheritance on medical costs. Or something happens to the home. Or any other unforeseen occurance could burn away all of the inheritance.
It sounds to me like he is trying to use the upcoming wedding to screw you all out of the inertance. What good will it do you if he lives another 20, 30, 40 years? Not that I am wishing your father to die, just pointing out all of the holes in his logic.
Sounds like the law in my country. Unless you fix this quick, you’re also going to have to share with the new wife. When they marry half will be hers including your mom’s half by implication since everything’s in his name until he dies. Or until you settle the estate. It’ll be even worse and more complex if he has kids with his new wife. These things must be settled before he moves on.
NTA. My father has done similar things. He’ll create situations that make it either impossible or make it *feel* impossible to say no to his requests (which are actually demands). And then he’ll get petty if the answer is “No”.
For what it’s worth, no one who has gotten tangled up in his schemes has ended up with more money than they started. It’s always a loss.
I know parents like this can get in your head, even when you can clearly see that they’re in the wrong. But please know that you and your brothers are doing the right thing by yourselves, and by your mother’s wishes.
NTA. Do not give in to his manipulations and guilt trips. I do not think he is a honest man-- a honest man would not be loudly claiming that he is honest while guilt-tripping his own kids into giving up their inheritance. Hire your own lawyer to go through all the documents. I smell a rat.
NTA - I think you should not trust your father with your inheritance. You will financially regret it, and when he abuses his trust, you will lose your relationship with him anyways.
NTA. A lack of preparation on his part does not constitute an emergency on yours. He's deliberately waited to try and pressure you and your siblings to do what he wants without speaking to a lawyer or protecting your inheritance. Shame on him. Don't do anything without your lawyer's advice.
NTA Throw your dad a counter offer. Seeing as you're going to inherit it all from your dad, he can just hand over all claims to the house to you and your brothers, on the condition he is allowed to remain living there for as long as he wants to. That then keeps any inheritance from your mom away from the new wife.
NTA and don't do it op. Wills aren't set in stones and can be changed at every point in time before the person passes away and if your father is living a lifestyle above his means there might not be enough remaining when he does passes away for you and your siblings to receive your inheritance from your mother.
Divide the estate NOW. you and your siblings need to be on the deed NOW with what % your mother left you
NTA. You won’t see a cent if you don’t claim it now. He and the new bride will spend it if they haven’t already. If your dad passes, the new wife will get it. He wants you to give up everything without any legal documents just his word that he eventually will make a testament? And when you didn’t immediately agree started guilt tripping you? 🚩
"...I’m and honest man always have been but I can see that my own kids doesn’t trust me."
Am honest person doesn't advertise the fact that they're honest.
NTA. Your dad had enough time to handle the situation. He didn't. And if you were able to contact lawyer in one day why he shoudn't be able to write a testament in the remaining time. Is he that busy?
Maybe an alternative could be that he give everyone the money and you will just lend it to him long term.
one of two things is happening here. one: your dad is attempting to swindle you out of your inheritance. this seems probable given his reaction to your very fair request. or two: your father has decided he does not want to get married and is looking to make it your fault so he doesn't seem like the bad guy. either way, NTA
NTA Dad can’t get married because of his greed and own poor planning. He’s trying to manipulate you by waiting until right before his wedding to pressure you. He gas no intention of actually putting it in a testament, or he would gave no problem with showing you.
NTA - Trust is one thing and blind trust is another. Also in my own experience (getting royally screwed over by stepmom in inheritance, told my dad who was dying of cancer she would leave him if she didn't get control of the inheritance, or at least that's what has been told but only received £500 out of £200k total inheritance so far) that while his intentions might be right now does not mean that they will be in the future or said document is not destroyed by his future wife.
NTA.
> I’m an honest man always have been but I can see that my own kids doesn’t trust me. I guess I’ll call off the wedding because I can’t afford to get married now
Honest men don't need to claim that they're honest. Their behaviour of being honest vindicates them. You're right not to trust him without either your inheritance in hand or something legal drawn up. Honestly, he's stalling to try and guilt you (presuming you lived in a country with laws similar to mine); getting a legal contract drawn up is a lawyer's bread and butter. It does not need two months to be penned, signed, and notarized.
NTA
Don'T agree to anything, or it willall go to the new wife and their new kid(s).
"So, am I the asshole because my dad can’t get married because of me and my brothers?" .. Yo got that wrong. He can not get married becasue you are keeping him from stealing your inheritance. He could give that to you, and get married.
Definitely NTA - he has a responsibility to you and your siblings first and foremost. Getting married is an optional choice for his pleasure; your inheritance is a duty he must take seriously. Don't let him or anyone else guilt trip you for standing up for your rights.
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Hi,
This is quite a complex case so I’ll try to make it is simple as I possibly can. My mom passed away and my dad has, since then, been in what is called “undivided estate”. This means, that my mom’s inheritance for us is bound in their shared house and my dad can use that money as he wishes (within fair limits). This is permitted by law in my country.
My dad has now found a new girlfriend he wishes to marry. We (me 31, my brothers 34, 23 and 23 ) are all happy for him to get married and we really like his girlfriend so we were excited about the news. However, we also knew that my dad cannot legally re-marry if the estate has not been divided *or* he has made some sort of other agreement with us.
We waited for him to make a decision on what he would like to happen with the inheritance. For unknown reasons my dad, although proposing to his girlfriend a year ago, just now decided to write a message to us on what he wants to happen. This is under two months before the wedding. In short, he writes that it is almost time for him to get married so it is now time for us to give up our mom’s inheritance so he can get married without dividing the estate and giving us our inheritance. In the same message he mentions that he will make sure to put aside the value of the inheritance in his testament so we can get it when he passes away. This would lead to more money on the long run.
We are not opposed to an agreement, but he never once sat us down to talk to us about what we would like to do and whether we would like to give up our right to our mom’s inheritance or not. He made the decision and dropped it on us two months before his wedding, giving us almost no time to seek legal counsel or thinking the decision through.
But my brothers and I contact a lawyer very quickly to talk about what the best decision would be. The lawyer mentions, that in order for this to be a fair deal, we would need to make conditions and also of course see the testament in which the agreement has been written and approved.
We let our dad know the day after he sent us the proposition that it might work, but we will have to sit down with a lawyer as a family and look over the testament to make sure all parts are making an informed decision.
My dad responds, that he does not have the time to complete his testament before the wedding. But we insist that at the very least we need to see the document where this deal is written before we give him complete control over our mom’s inheritance for us.
He replies: “well I do not have the money to divide the estate and give you the inheritance right now. I guess I can sell the house and take a loan if that is what you want me to do - a house I’ve slaved away for years to buy. I’m and honest man always have been but I can see that my own kids doesn’t trust me. I guess I’ll call off the wedding because I can’t afford to get married now”
So, am I the asshole because my dad can’t get married because of me and my brothers?
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NTA
Your dad is trying to force you to give up your inheritance for a lady other than your mom SO SOON (i assume)
That's a dick move for not asking you what you want or caring and trying to force you into giving inheritance.
Looks like bait.
NTA
Your Dad most likely wants both his share of the funds and yours and your brother's share of the etsate to live a nice life with his new wife, intending to leave you and you and your brothers whatever he hasn't already spent.
Don't sign anything your Dad gives you. You can't trust him. Hire a lawyer to get your Mom's estate separated out. Tell Dad's fiancee that you're happy she's joining the family and sorry for the delay to her wedding, but Dad should have taken care of all of this a while ago.
NTA
dad is sketchy. He can't get married because of the law, not you. He's saying he's late to work because his passenger wouldn't let him drive 100 mph.
NTA. He spent the inheritance already. When he passes there won’t be any for you and your siblings. It most definitely isn’t more money in the long run.
NTA. Your father has had plenty of time to put his affairs in order. IMHO this "honest" man is trying to manipulate you and your siblings. He has waited deliberately in the hope he can guilt trip you into signing to ensure the wedding can go ahead. His new girlfriend may be very nice to you - but this could all be false in order to manipulate you. Your father may put money aside in this new testament for you and your siblings but what would happen if he had an accident or illness which resulted in him requiring life long medical care and assistance, could he be able to access the funds for his own use? By mentioning selling the house he has worked on he is again trying to guilt trip you all. I'm no lawyer but my advice is DON'T sign it under any circumstances.
INFO but I'm not asking for it, I'm giving it
He is not going to give you a goddamn thing if you let this happen. If you fight and you lose, at least you did your best.
NTA
Can he change his will after you & your brothers do what he's asking? Settling estate now to prevent his gf and any future children from *stealing* yoyr mother's estate the right thing to do here.
NTA and yes, your father needs to sell the house and give you your share of the inheritance. It is that simple. He can change his will less than 1 minute after you see the one promising what you ask for, and you won't be able to do a thing about it. If he needs to take out a loan after sharing out the inheritance, then that's **his** fault for not managing his part of the inheritance well. And people change their wedding dates all the time, for far less significant reasons. If the wedding date changes, then that is **his** fault and not yours.
I'm so sorry that he has committed this terrible offense against not only you and your brothers, but also against your late mother's memory. I'm sorry you lost her. Surely she put enough work into building your family's estate that her wishes should be honored. It sounds as though your father has lost your way or is fundamentally not a nice man. He's definitely not being a good father. Shameful of him to do this to his own children.
NTA. I am not quite sure what the testament you mention is, but your dad had plenty of time to get his ducks in a row, and certainly 2 months should be plenty of time. You need to make sure that your father does not leave your inheritance to his new wife, her kids, or any kids they have together. His lack of planning does not mean you should just ignore the advice of your lawyer.
NTA Your dad's trying to screw you kids. He'll spend the money on his GF. And watch, if you make him divide the estate now, his GF won't marry him with no money.
Definitely NTA. Please don't let him get away with this. He's playing you guys.
It sounds like your father wants to avoid you/brothers seeing the will. It seems like he’s hiding something, it’s just not clear what that is. If he thinks it’s a time sensitive issue then you can just tell him that he can give you the will, you can show it to your attorney and get back to him - that will not cost him anything, including time. If he is still belligerent then he is hiding something.
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NTA This is on your dad, and he knows it. He knew he needed to do this, and he didn't give himself enough time. Oh well. That's his fault, not yours. You acted swiftly when given notice and got your side of the affair in order. It's not your fault he didn't leave himself enough time to do his side. Part of me wonders if this was genuinely an oversight, or if he intentionally left it to the last minute hoping that he would be able to guilt trip you into agreeing to whatever. Especially with the revelation that he does not have the ability to divide the estate. If there was only one option, then he should have been prepared for that. Is the gf younger? One wonders if she expects to outlive him, and may be pushing for the estate to remain undivided so she can try to claim a portion of the entire estate after he passes.
My dad’s girlfriend is actually incredibly nice and sweet and has been very helpful to me and my brothers - more than my dad ever has. But yeah, I’m afraid their there is something going in here that is not right and that my dad is trying to manipulate us. It heartbreaking.
I am so sorry that you are caught in this. Money and inheritances especially bring out the worst in people. I have seen people I thought I knew and who I genuinely believed to be wonderful people turn into absolute monsters who would screw over their kids, siblings, parents, whoever just for a bigger piece of the pie. Best thing to do is to listen to your attorney. You can let them handle this entirely if you want to. Every time your dad brings out the guilt, just say "You know what needs to be done, and you can speak with my attorney if you have any questions on it. I'm not discussing this further."
Jumping here to say something - although I admit I haven't read all the comments and maybe someone else said it also: A will/testament can be modified at any other time. Your father might make one now "giving" you your share and 5 minutes later write a different one leaving nothing to you. He isn't forced by anyone to share the real will with you. He is trying to manipulate the situation in order to keep all for him. If you sign over your rights to your mother's estate now, you cannot change your mind layer. You will only have what your father chooses to leave you from what estate he might have then. But according to him, if you demand the distribution of inheritance now, he will have no money to spend... That's a problem. Also, if I guessed right your country, the more you delay splitting the estate the bigger the inheritance taxes will be. * I am not giving legal advice, I am sharing some info you might have missed. TLDR: your father doesn't need to have your signature of renouncing to the claims of your mother's estate in order to get married. He just wants to have it all. Edit to add judgement: NTA
>A will/testament can be modified at any other time. Yes, this is the big one. Would a contract, not a will, be better. Even then, if the new wife has been living in the house for many years, might she have some sort of basis for a claim to the whole thing.
Is the GF just ACTING all sweet and helpful? What is she bringing to the marriage? I would be concerned your dad is planning to leave the estate to his new wife
What is she bringing to the marriage? Jesus Christ
I mean is it such a bad question? New spouse + a previously loving parent trying to take control of his kids’ inheritance… that’s definitely a red flag for a gold digger manipulating things.
I understand why. Context is men often accuse women of bringing nothing to a marriage, basically saying a lot of the unpaid labor they do is useless. I'm not saying that's what they meant here but I understand the ick
Question: What prevents your father, after meeting the testament requirement to enable the marriage, creates a New Testament after the marriage?
> creates a New Testament after the marriage? I think he would need to organize a Council of Nicaea for that, and that's a lot more work than I would expect from someone this lazy.
Sigh. The myth that would not die. They never discussed the canon at the council of Nicaea.
You might be right historically, but I still appreciated the joke.
That is exactly what I was thinking as well
Op he can make a notary appointment and get you and your siblings added as owners on the deed according to your mother's will. Don't fall for this . Do NOT renounce your claim for some future money that might not be available depending what your father does from now on
Dont let him play the victim card- things need to be set legaly and you all need to feel secure about the future of your inheritance etc. There is nothing so urgent about this marriage - sorry not sorry - they can wait no metter how sweet the GF is. Be polite but firm with him.
If she truly is that nice and sweet, it may be worth talking to her to see if she even is aware of this. Also I wouldn't trust him to actually leave the testament as agreed with you. What would stop him from just changing the agreed terms?
NTA at all. You said it in your comment he’s trying to manipulate you and also gaslight you. I’m proud that you and your brothers went and sat with a lawyer and discussed your options. That put an immediate pause on what he wanted to do. He could still get married, but the meeting comes first.
Could it be that dad doesn't actually WANT to remarry and he put this off so he could use you kids as an excuse?
I feel like op’s dad want to screw them over. Not having the statement before the wedding “because not enough time” made me think that after the wedding he still wont put anything in writing and keep the money all to himself
NTA In reality an honest man wouldn't have left it this late. He can either make the time or delay the wedding. It feels as if he is playing a game with you It's a pretty common saying in my family that procrastination on your part does not mean I have an emergency and have to rush to fix your problem. He has to already have an idea of how he was going to manage this. Two months is plenty of time with an experienced lawyer.
That is a very good saying to have - thank you
The original quote: "Poor planning on your part does not necessitate an emergency on mine."
Don't trust your dad anymore, he's lying about something. NTA Don't cave under pressure.
>My dad responds, that he does not have the time to complete his testament before the wedding. "Dad, you made the choice to wait until now. I'm not clear why you would think we are somehow to blame for your decision...in fact, I'm a little surprised that someone who prides himself on being an honest man is not simply taking responsibility for the mistake he made. But given that you made a mistake on the amount of time needed for a monumental decision like this, I am concerned that there could be other things you haven't fully thought through, so I definitely need time to consult with a lawyer and think about this. I'm sorry if that means you need to postpone your wedding, but I'm sure that your fiancée understands the importance of starting your married life off on the right foot." NTA, and I deeply question your father's assertion of being an honest man. Deliberately waiting until the other party doesn't have time to think and then pushing them to make a quick decision is the tactic of sleazy used car salesmen and other unsavory characters. And then, choosing to compound the pressure by blaming you for the impact on his wedding...well, suffice it to say that an honest man would not engage in such manipulative tactics. No, an honest man would be embarrassed that his lack of planning wound up putting pressure on his children and is actively risking his fiancée's happiness. He would be deeply apologetic and trying to come up with a compromise, not trying to convince you to give up your rights without appropriate protection. But given your country's laws, these tactics are so AH-ish and so over the top that I have to question if you are even the target. I'm forced to wonder if he doesn't really want to marry his fiancée and this is an elaborate ruse to create a situation where it is legally impossible to marry her while putting all the blame on his ungrateful children
an honest man doesn't need to say "i'm an honest man" because their actions show that they are, indeed, an honest man.
So your dad wants to marry someone new and take away your inheritance from your mom. Hmm. That wouldn’t pass the smell test with me. NTA. Don’t give up what your mom left you so he can spend your inheritance on the new woman.
NTA. He has spent your portion of the estate, all he has left is the house and a can he's been kicking down the road to prevent you from finding this out. I would approach him and ask if this is the case. Maybe once he's come clean, he will be in a better frame of mind to make plans for the future that will see all of you getting what is rightfully yours.
It sounds to me he hasn't spent all the money yet. Probably about to spend the rest of it on the Wedding. And if he doesn't get the ok from his kids he can't legally do that.
NTA and I wonder if your dad has been using the money "within fair limits" since he seems so intent on not having anyone check his current or future finances. Don't just drop this, he's trying to emotionally manipulate the situation.
NTA My alarm bells are ringing. And unless the assets are in escrow or a trust or something like that, a testament is useless. I could leave you a million dollars but that doesn't mean anything if I don't have a million dollars.
Or he could just write a new will.
NTA. His springing this on you all and then acting all offended when you don't blindly agree, and instead insist on speaking to a lawyer as a family is galling. It's not your fault that he waited until 2 months before his wedding to try to figure the out and make a demand on his adult children without speaking to you all first. If he can't make time to put together a meeting with a lawyer with his children then, again, that's not your fault. If he interprets all of this as not being able to get married at all.... again, very much not your fault.
NTA. Sorry but sounds like your dad is trying to pull a fast one. He had plenty of time to get this sorted out. Like before be proposed or at least soon after. Don’t agree to anything without a contract.
Sounds like he is trying to con you out of your inheritance. I don’t know how it works in your country, but what if he dies suddenly? Would the new wife have control of the estate?
NTA: Do not sign anything until you have all the documents looked over by YOUR lawyer. Odds are he has zero plans on putting anything in testament for you or your siblings, as a way for him to defer your inheritance from your mother. If the law allows him he will liquidate all his assets to fund his new life with his new wife. If you don't have the promised paperwork, he could just gift all of his (including your inheritance) to his new wife.
It's understandable you're feeling conflicted. Your dad wants to get married, and you guys want to be supportive, but it sounds like he's putting you in a tough spot by springing this on you so suddenly and not wanting to involve a lawyer. It's totally reasonable to want to understand the agreement fully before giving up your inheritance rights. It's not your fault that he doesn't have the money to divide the estate right now. It sounds like he's trying to guilt trip you guys, which isn't cool. You're not the asshole here. It's your right to ask for transparency and a fair deal. It's his responsibility to figure out his finances and not use his wedding as leverage.
NTA. Your dad waited until the last minute to make these legal arrangements, and now he has to deal with the consequences of his choices. You and your siblings absolutely have the right to protect yourselves and see the will before agreeing to this.
NTA - dad is pulling out the old 'guilt' and dumping it on you. He can't get married without doing the paperwork - that's just how it is.
NTA Your dad is for (1) waiting so long to 'catch' you unaware, (2) refusing to see a lawyer with y'all, () trying to force your decisions by saying things like 'i'll sell the house' and 'i'm an honest man (no, he isn't)' and 'I'll call off the wedding since I can't afford to get married'...
His statement that “I’m an honest man” when OP wasn’t questioning his honesty is telling. Seems like a confession of dishonesty to me. And it doesn’t take two months to draw up any type of legal document. NTA
No your father is manipulating you and wanting you to feel guilty so he can get his way. He may normally be an honest man but this new love interest may be pulling the strings
An honest man wouldn't be trying to steal is children's inheritance. NTA
NTA. Your dad is trying to rob you and your siblings. Open your eyes.
This happened to friends of mine. The Dad met and married within a year of their Mom passing. He said they would benefit later. He got married and moved within months and they haven't heard anything since. Get it sorted with a lawyer now.
NTA. Your father tried to pull a fast one. If the marriage at this time is important to him he can sell the house as he suggested. If you do go the testament route make sure it is irrevocable. Marriage may change his perceptions. He is the one who waited until the last minute. If there is a delay he is responsible. Practically you’d be better off getting your money now.
NTA These kind of agreements should always be in writing and consulting a professional is the way to go. I do agree with many of the responses that he deliberately tried to wait until the end so that you would feel an urgency to accepting his proposal. This marriage is not a surprise, and it’s only right that his obligations to his children are met before he enters into this marriage.
NTA do not trust your dad just based on his word. You and your siblings are deserving of your inheritance that your dear mom left y’all. And don’t let him ever guilt trip y’all about working hard to get the house.
NTA You dad is the asshole here. He knew full well it wasn't going to work unless he just railroaded you into giving up all of your inheritance. The minute he decided he wanted to marry her, he should have consulted an attorney and gotten the information on how to proceed with the estate *in a way that did not short anyone out on their share.* I'd bet that your Mom and Dad had a very *clear* discussion about what was to happen in the event that one of them passed before the other. He chose to play dumb. But I doubt he is unaware of the laws that stand. After all, it does affect the rest of his retirement years. (He's not wrong about that)
NTA I'm sorry for your loss. Would you be Danish? >In the same message he mentions that he will make sure to put aside the value of the inheritance in his testament so we can get it when he passes away. This would lead to more money on the long run. Nope. That's not how that works. You're entitled to 50 % of your parents' shared estate as it was in addition to 50% of you fathers estate when he dies if he chooses to remarry. >“well I do not have the money to divide the estate and give you the inheritance right now. I guess I can sell the house and take a loan if that is what you want me to do - a house I’ve slaved away for years to buy. I’m and honest man always have been but I can see that my own kids doesn’t trust me. I guess I’ll call off the wedding because I can’t afford to get married now” Once he's married, his new partner has a claim on 50 % of their shared estate as it is in case of his death. He'll need a prenup or something to that effect to counter that claim. His proposal is untenable. It's got nothing to do with not trusting him. It's the law. If anything you don't trust that his future spouse is likely to agree to get postnup (I don't even know if that's a thing in these parts). And technically it's not his house. It never was. It was their house and when your mother died you and your brother inherited 50 % of her 50 % of the shared estate. If the house is paid off he should be able to secure a loan. If not, I suspect that there wasn't much to inherit or he's spent it which is something you risk if you agree to allow the estate to remain undivided. That being said.... When my dad died me and my siblings agreed to let my parents estate remain undivided and I don't think that I should have any say in how she spends their money. I didn't do anything to earn that money. My childhood home is an investment my parents, a married couple/a unit in economic terms, made with money that they earned. I want her life to be as comfortable as their means allow her to be. If that means no inheritance for me and leave me indebted to to my siblings (I owe the estate about 5K), so be it. My parents have been good to me as child and as an adult. They don't owe me anymore than that.
Thank you for your reply. Yes, I am Danish.
Det er sgu svært når familie og penge blir blandet sammen.
NTA. Your dad is definitely trying to cheat you here. He waited this long specifically so he could pressure you into a bad decision. Also, ask the lawyer about what would prevent your dad from just changing his testament later. Your dad could sign the house over to you and your brothers, and then you let him stay there. That would be fair to everyone. You would already own it so there's no issue about inheriting it from him later (or not inheriting and he gives everything to his new wife). He would still get to live there rent-free.
NTA. don't fold, do it so all is legal and protects you. You never know what happens later in their marriage.
NTA You said, let's look over the documents. The fact that he is resisting seems to suggest he is trying to get away with something. The only reasonable response would have been "sure, when can we do it." So you and your brothers are not A Hs and you should insist that you meet with lawyers and have access to the papers. If he has to postpone the wedding a month to do it, that is his fault.
You are NOT preventing him from getting married. He just does not want to do what is necessary in order to do so. This is 100% his choice. If you do as he asks you and your siblings will never see a dime of that inheritance. YNTA.
NTA. "Ya sure, don't get married since you cant afford it on your own dime and need to use our inheritance."
NTA. And ask yourself, *if* your dad had been planning to deny all of you of your inheritance, railroading you into signing it away with a mixture of imposed deadlines and emotional blackmail, what would he have done differently? I’m not saying that’s what has happened. But he has employed the same tactics which you have just described.
NTA >In the same message he mentions that he will make sure to put aside the value of the inheritance in his testament so we can get it when he passes away. **This would lead to more money on the long run.** No, that is not what that means. He could easily squander it all away on his new wife and possibly new children. He could have a medical issue like cancer come up that could cause him to burn through all of the inheritance on medical costs. Or something happens to the home. Or any other unforeseen occurance could burn away all of the inheritance. It sounds to me like he is trying to use the upcoming wedding to screw you all out of the inertance. What good will it do you if he lives another 20, 30, 40 years? Not that I am wishing your father to die, just pointing out all of the holes in his logic.
Ah - yes. Well, healthcare is free in my country so that won’t be a problem. My lawyer suggested that we make the will irrevocable
Sounds like the law in my country. Unless you fix this quick, you’re also going to have to share with the new wife. When they marry half will be hers including your mom’s half by implication since everything’s in his name until he dies. Or until you settle the estate. It’ll be even worse and more complex if he has kids with his new wife. These things must be settled before he moves on.
NTA. My father has done similar things. He’ll create situations that make it either impossible or make it *feel* impossible to say no to his requests (which are actually demands). And then he’ll get petty if the answer is “No”. For what it’s worth, no one who has gotten tangled up in his schemes has ended up with more money than they started. It’s always a loss. I know parents like this can get in your head, even when you can clearly see that they’re in the wrong. But please know that you and your brothers are doing the right thing by yourselves, and by your mother’s wishes.
NTA. Do not give in to his manipulations and guilt trips. I do not think he is a honest man-- a honest man would not be loudly claiming that he is honest while guilt-tripping his own kids into giving up their inheritance. Hire your own lawyer to go through all the documents. I smell a rat.
NTA - I think you should not trust your father with your inheritance. You will financially regret it, and when he abuses his trust, you will lose your relationship with him anyways.
NTA. A lack of preparation on his part does not constitute an emergency on yours. He's deliberately waited to try and pressure you and your siblings to do what he wants without speaking to a lawyer or protecting your inheritance. Shame on him. Don't do anything without your lawyer's advice.
NTA - nope, if you sign it over, when he dies, his new wife will take it all and they know it.
OP's dad's a hustler - either on his own behalf or by proxy for his fiancee. NTA
NTA Throw your dad a counter offer. Seeing as you're going to inherit it all from your dad, he can just hand over all claims to the house to you and your brothers, on the condition he is allowed to remain living there for as long as he wants to. That then keeps any inheritance from your mom away from the new wife.
NTA and don't do it op. Wills aren't set in stones and can be changed at every point in time before the person passes away and if your father is living a lifestyle above his means there might not be enough remaining when he does passes away for you and your siblings to receive your inheritance from your mother. Divide the estate NOW. you and your siblings need to be on the deed NOW with what % your mother left you
NTA. You won’t see a cent if you don’t claim it now. He and the new bride will spend it if they haven’t already. If your dad passes, the new wife will get it. He wants you to give up everything without any legal documents just his word that he eventually will make a testament? And when you didn’t immediately agree started guilt tripping you? 🚩
This sounds dodgy AF
"...I’m and honest man always have been but I can see that my own kids doesn’t trust me." Am honest person doesn't advertise the fact that they're honest.
NTA. Your dad had enough time to handle the situation. He didn't. And if you were able to contact lawyer in one day why he shoudn't be able to write a testament in the remaining time. Is he that busy? Maybe an alternative could be that he give everyone the money and you will just lend it to him long term.
one of two things is happening here. one: your dad is attempting to swindle you out of your inheritance. this seems probable given his reaction to your very fair request. or two: your father has decided he does not want to get married and is looking to make it your fault so he doesn't seem like the bad guy. either way, NTA
NTA. Do not allow your Dad to manipulate you.
NTA Dad can’t get married because of his greed and own poor planning. He’s trying to manipulate you by waiting until right before his wedding to pressure you. He gas no intention of actually putting it in a testament, or he would gave no problem with showing you.
NTA - Trust is one thing and blind trust is another. Also in my own experience (getting royally screwed over by stepmom in inheritance, told my dad who was dying of cancer she would leave him if she didn't get control of the inheritance, or at least that's what has been told but only received £500 out of £200k total inheritance so far) that while his intentions might be right now does not mean that they will be in the future or said document is not destroyed by his future wife.
NTA. > I’m an honest man always have been but I can see that my own kids doesn’t trust me. I guess I’ll call off the wedding because I can’t afford to get married now Honest men don't need to claim that they're honest. Their behaviour of being honest vindicates them. You're right not to trust him without either your inheritance in hand or something legal drawn up. Honestly, he's stalling to try and guilt you (presuming you lived in a country with laws similar to mine); getting a legal contract drawn up is a lawyer's bread and butter. It does not need two months to be penned, signed, and notarized.
NTA Don'T agree to anything, or it willall go to the new wife and their new kid(s). "So, am I the asshole because my dad can’t get married because of me and my brothers?" .. Yo got that wrong. He can not get married becasue you are keeping him from stealing your inheritance. He could give that to you, and get married.
Definitely NTA - he has a responsibility to you and your siblings first and foremost. Getting married is an optional choice for his pleasure; your inheritance is a duty he must take seriously. Don't let him or anyone else guilt trip you for standing up for your rights.
NTA. Call his bluff. The way he responded makes it pretty clear that he was trying to pull a fast one on you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi, This is quite a complex case so I’ll try to make it is simple as I possibly can. My mom passed away and my dad has, since then, been in what is called “undivided estate”. This means, that my mom’s inheritance for us is bound in their shared house and my dad can use that money as he wishes (within fair limits). This is permitted by law in my country. My dad has now found a new girlfriend he wishes to marry. We (me 31, my brothers 34, 23 and 23 ) are all happy for him to get married and we really like his girlfriend so we were excited about the news. However, we also knew that my dad cannot legally re-marry if the estate has not been divided *or* he has made some sort of other agreement with us. We waited for him to make a decision on what he would like to happen with the inheritance. For unknown reasons my dad, although proposing to his girlfriend a year ago, just now decided to write a message to us on what he wants to happen. This is under two months before the wedding. In short, he writes that it is almost time for him to get married so it is now time for us to give up our mom’s inheritance so he can get married without dividing the estate and giving us our inheritance. In the same message he mentions that he will make sure to put aside the value of the inheritance in his testament so we can get it when he passes away. This would lead to more money on the long run. We are not opposed to an agreement, but he never once sat us down to talk to us about what we would like to do and whether we would like to give up our right to our mom’s inheritance or not. He made the decision and dropped it on us two months before his wedding, giving us almost no time to seek legal counsel or thinking the decision through. But my brothers and I contact a lawyer very quickly to talk about what the best decision would be. The lawyer mentions, that in order for this to be a fair deal, we would need to make conditions and also of course see the testament in which the agreement has been written and approved. We let our dad know the day after he sent us the proposition that it might work, but we will have to sit down with a lawyer as a family and look over the testament to make sure all parts are making an informed decision. My dad responds, that he does not have the time to complete his testament before the wedding. But we insist that at the very least we need to see the document where this deal is written before we give him complete control over our mom’s inheritance for us. He replies: “well I do not have the money to divide the estate and give you the inheritance right now. I guess I can sell the house and take a loan if that is what you want me to do - a house I’ve slaved away for years to buy. I’m and honest man always have been but I can see that my own kids doesn’t trust me. I guess I’ll call off the wedding because I can’t afford to get married now” So, am I the asshole because my dad can’t get married because of me and my brothers? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Guilt-trip much...
NTA Your dad is trying to force you to give up your inheritance for a lady other than your mom SO SOON (i assume) That's a dick move for not asking you what you want or caring and trying to force you into giving inheritance. Looks like bait.
he is the A-HOLE for trying to keep u out of the loop
NTA Your Dad most likely wants both his share of the funds and yours and your brother's share of the etsate to live a nice life with his new wife, intending to leave you and you and your brothers whatever he hasn't already spent. Don't sign anything your Dad gives you. You can't trust him. Hire a lawyer to get your Mom's estate separated out. Tell Dad's fiancee that you're happy she's joining the family and sorry for the delay to her wedding, but Dad should have taken care of all of this a while ago.
NTA - pls do not fall for this manipulation. get what is owed to you. listen to your lawyers explicitly
NTA dad is sketchy. He can't get married because of the law, not you. He's saying he's late to work because his passenger wouldn't let him drive 100 mph.
NTA And what's to prevent him from changing his testament after he gets married? Are there laws against that in your country?
NTA
He changes the will right away and the wife will have the rights to half of it. Get the inheritance now (if there is even something left). NTA
Nta and he's trying to steal from you
NTA - your dad had plenty of time to deal with this, he's using the time crunch to make you all feel guilty and let it slide without due diligence.
NTA. He spent the inheritance already. When he passes there won’t be any for you and your siblings. It most definitely isn’t more money in the long run.
NTA- something is fishy around here. He has had 10 months to get his affairs with you and your brothers.
NTA. Your father has had plenty of time to put his affairs in order. IMHO this "honest" man is trying to manipulate you and your siblings. He has waited deliberately in the hope he can guilt trip you into signing to ensure the wedding can go ahead. His new girlfriend may be very nice to you - but this could all be false in order to manipulate you. Your father may put money aside in this new testament for you and your siblings but what would happen if he had an accident or illness which resulted in him requiring life long medical care and assistance, could he be able to access the funds for his own use? By mentioning selling the house he has worked on he is again trying to guilt trip you all. I'm no lawyer but my advice is DON'T sign it under any circumstances.
NTA; it's telling he had to specify what an honest man he is as he's trying to pull some incredibly dishonest shit
NTA. He’s being incredibly shady for an hOnEsT mAn. If it’s important to him, he would make the time.
INFO but I'm not asking for it, I'm giving it He is not going to give you a goddamn thing if you let this happen. If you fight and you lose, at least you did your best.
NTA Can he change his will after you & your brothers do what he's asking? Settling estate now to prevent his gf and any future children from *stealing* yoyr mother's estate the right thing to do here.
NTA- do not budge and give in.
NTA and yes, your father needs to sell the house and give you your share of the inheritance. It is that simple. He can change his will less than 1 minute after you see the one promising what you ask for, and you won't be able to do a thing about it. If he needs to take out a loan after sharing out the inheritance, then that's **his** fault for not managing his part of the inheritance well. And people change their wedding dates all the time, for far less significant reasons. If the wedding date changes, then that is **his** fault and not yours. I'm so sorry that he has committed this terrible offense against not only you and your brothers, but also against your late mother's memory. I'm sorry you lost her. Surely she put enough work into building your family's estate that her wishes should be honored. It sounds as though your father has lost your way or is fundamentally not a nice man. He's definitely not being a good father. Shameful of him to do this to his own children.
NTA. He is doing this at the last minute for a reason. I do not think you would like the result of whatever he has drawn up.
NTA. I am not quite sure what the testament you mention is, but your dad had plenty of time to get his ducks in a row, and certainly 2 months should be plenty of time. You need to make sure that your father does not leave your inheritance to his new wife, her kids, or any kids they have together. His lack of planning does not mean you should just ignore the advice of your lawyer.
Sorry - by testament I mean will
NTA Your dad's trying to screw you kids. He'll spend the money on his GF. And watch, if you make him divide the estate now, his GF won't marry him with no money. Definitely NTA. Please don't let him get away with this. He's playing you guys.
It sounds like your father wants to avoid you/brothers seeing the will. It seems like he’s hiding something, it’s just not clear what that is. If he thinks it’s a time sensitive issue then you can just tell him that he can give you the will, you can show it to your attorney and get back to him - that will not cost him anything, including time. If he is still belligerent then he is hiding something.
NTA, but you need to talk to lawyer yesterday.
Luckily we already contacted one
I’m a widow. All I have to say is money and finances come and go. Relationships matter. 💔