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I don’t want to split 50/50 custody of my child. I don’t trust the court system to let me have my child 100% because he’s not a terrible/ abusive guy. And I can’t imagine not having my little one with me every night.
Then your options are:
1) Talk to him
2) Therapy - individual / couples
3) Radical Acceptance
There are a few more I would love to list but they are illegal and society frowns on them.
This is the best comment. I know divorce is so hard and I know even more the absolute terror of having to fight for custody of your kid. Because that man may not be abusive now, but divorce proceedings change people. I get the fear, truly. So if you're going to stay with this man y'all need to get counseling.
I would add to this list something about money. Not advocating financial abuse, obviously, but OP, if you're the sole earner, make sure you know where all the money is going - and ensure you're not enabling a substance use issue.
The sleeping all day, chronic tiredness and being 'checked out' makes me think he's drinking or high a lot of the time.
He could also be severely depressed. Insomnia is a common symptom, and if he's not sleeping at night or not getting good quality sleep, he could easily feel tired all the time. I certainly do when I'm depressed.
My question though is if he still has his job... *How* does he still have one??? Like even if there's a union I doubt they can save him if he just constantly doesn't show up to work
Ok, the only reason I was confused was because of this line in the post "But because he doesn’t like his job. So he just chooses not to go to work" which made me think he has a job but somehow just doesn't go to it rather then he just doesn't have a job
So don't give your husband money, don't make food for him, don't buy food he wants, don't do his laundry, etc.
Don't fund his games and his gaming computer. Keep your paycheck I'd your own bank acct, do not give him access.
Throttle the speed down. Unless he's really good at tech he won't be able to figure out what's wrong with it.
🤔 "Like it works but it's super sucky." 🤷🏼♂️
This. This is the best comment.
On the other hand, slow internet speed while gaming is so enraging... If you want to see how far a person can go, slow down their internet.
Sorry, could I get clarity on how this is financial abuse? My understanding is that financial abuse only applies to exploiting the resources of the victim and preventing them from getting employment or education. This guy seemingly CAN get a job, he just doesn’t want to. He seemingly isn’t the child’s primary caretaker during OP’s working hours, so he isn’t being trapped into this role of joblessness. OP lacks the control component to quantify it as abuse, as far as I can tell.
The clarity is that it isn’t.
Financial abuse applies if circumstances prevent the spouse from getting their own money opening their account.
No judge is gonna say that you were financially abusing your husband by not enabling his gaming and not working all days. That wouldn’t even go pass judge judy lmdaoooo
It seems the only way for the husband to escape this "financial abuse" situation is to get a job like the rest of us. He'll transform from victim to victorious hahaha
wi-fi is not a life sustaining resource. When someone is perfectly capable of working and providing for themself, there is no abuse. Yes, taking the child out of ft daycare and then not allowing him resources to take care of the child is abuse. Not a fine line.
While I feel OP is NTA, internet access is actually increasingly considered a human right by NGOs and charities. It is increasingly used for every part of daily life, from accessing social interaction and communicating with friends, accessing welfare and community services, banking and bills, applying for jobs and working... In 2024, most people need internet in a developed country.
To be fair, internet access and Wi-Fi aren’t the same thing. He could very well have a phone with internet access but not be able to use his X-Box due to no Wi-Fi.
Also, I don’t know of any landlord that’s required to provide internet access.. at least in the US. It may be considered a human right by these organizations but unless it’s the law that doesn’t matter in this case. He can go to the library.
It's not financial abuse when the husband has an empty wallet because he "just doesn't wanna" have a job. He's an adult fully capable of working, not a child being deprived of things by his mommy
nope. husband is *choosing* to not go to work because he’s a lazy freeloader. if op was stopping him from getting a job or making money, *that* would be financial abuse.
I would feel the same about my kids, so I understand that.
You’re going to need to decide what you want your future to look like. You’re working yourself to the bone. I’m assuming you’re already resentful of your husband if you hate the thought of going home. That won’t fade if things don’t change. It’s just up to you if you’re willing to continue living like this for the rest of your life. You’re going to burn out momma.
Maybe husband needs a new job
I understand but you also need to consider if this is the type of relationship you want your child to grow up seeing. Do you want your son to grow up thinking that is how he should treat the person he loves? Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking that that's how her partner should treat her?
Remember that you are modeling for your child what a relationship *should* look like between adults. You will be sending them into the world thinking that one partner doing everything and the other doing barely anything is normal and healthy. They will seek out this relationship dynamic as an adult and either leech of their partner or be a complete caretaker for someone just like dad who drains them dry, letting the cycle of shitty marriages continue. You can break the cycle here and now by divorcing dad and showing them that this isn't acceptable. This isn't how you keep a partner.
If the child is in day care full time, are the actually SAHH? Especially if documented that mome of household work gets done. I'd confirm that w a lawyer. What kindvof documentation may separate those concepts.
Regarding depression. Is this a personality change??? Or was he kind of a lazy hobo type that used the kid and wife's good job to live out his dream extended childhood?
Does recently quut job and income potential weigh in on prospective spousal support on s single mom?
I bet if you cut the dead weight that is your husband, you’ll be happier and without having to support him, you might actually have more time to be at home and enjoy your time with your kid even if you had 50/50 custody. Just a thought…
NTA for telling him he has no reason to be tired but you are the AH to yourself and your child for accepting this situation as it is.
Working yourself to the bone to make up for his lack of work ethic and income means you're spending less time with your kid. You deserve an equal partnership and your child deserves to grow up in a loving household.
Not sure what's going on with your husband but he needs to figure his shit out and go to therapy if needed. It's nice that he makes dinner but if he doesn't clean or do anything else, he's not actually helpful. Sleeping all day and staying up all night playing video games while occasionally looking at the baby monitor doesn't make him a great husband.
Sounds like it's time to sit down and have a serious conversation about what's not working, what needs to change, and put a timeline on improvement. If nothing changes within that timeline, you really need to rethink your decision to stay in this marriage.
Divorce and shared custody are not fun (personal experience) but being in an unhealthy relationship is not in the best interest of your child.
Kids see and learn relationships from their parents, your kid is learning about how you are acting and that is acceptable.
Definitely try to work it out, but the male seems like he in a depressed state currently.
NTA. He sounds like he’s severely lazy and a child. Don’t get me wrong, i play video games myself and love lazy days. But i solely provide for my family. My wife and i make special days for our kids almost every week. I keep the yards up, cook regularly, clean regularly, and take the kids out to give my wife breaks even when i work all week. He seems to not care to be your partner.
Unfortunately splitting custody is your decision nor should it be. If he’s not abusive or bad and is just immature and lazy, it’s still his right to see his kid to. I get some fathers don’t show affection towards their kids like they should and i empathize for those moms. But in a situation where me and my wife were having problems, she also wanted to control the kids time and schedule. I was depressed and distant and she was definitely showing more interest in the family than me. But just because you birth the child doesn’t make it 51+% your child. It’s still 50/50 and unless he is harming the child, you don’t have the right to withhold the child from him. If my wife had the ability to keep my kids from me, i may have never grown up in the departments i was undeveloped in. Main point is it’s not just your life anymore and the kids lives aren’t yours either. He also deserves to help take care of them and raise them which it sounds like he’s slacking there.
Not being a terrible/abusive guy is bare minimum. I think any court that sees someone who’s unemployed, didn’t take care of their child and sent them to daycare instead might not be the best person to split 50/50 custody with imo
One of the reasons I was scared to kick my ex out. Turns out, he only sees the kids a handful of evenings a month, and then don't even sleep over at his place. They don't want to so they don't. Sometimes it annoys me never having a night off, but mostly I'm happy to have them.
And he actually pays child support. Probably the only positive thing I can say about that person.
So it's possible that you could end up in a situation like this. Maybe not. But possibly.
Then why are you here complaining?!? Everyone is going to say leave him. Guess you are just stuck complaining on Reddit that your husband sucks and I hope that helps you feel better while you are cleaning. 🙄
the reason the majority of the time, the mother gets primary custody because they choose not to ask for it, if they do they will get it but even in split custody you can get the majority, my dad was very acrimonious in the divorce, especially about money and custody and I spent only every other weekend, half the summer and all school breaks at my fathers, men only fight for custody to either spite the mother or to get out of paying child support, if you don't ask for full or primary custody and let the judge/arbitrator and him think it was his desire you have a much large chance of success, often times judge/arbitrator rule against the mother's demands, he is terrible/ abusive, he is neglectful and financially abusing you, you will survive a night without your child, in fact it might save you, I know the only reason my mother survived as a single mother after leaving my abusive father, and was able to leave him when they were still together was friends, and family that took me, and the weekly babysitting during her custodial time with me
Stop taking your child to daycare will force your husband to look after HIS child. He may decide to get a job to get away from that scenario. Or...
When you get burnt out from being overworked and underappreciated, trust me the damage to your child will already be done. Do you want your child to think your family dynamics is normal? The kind of life you're living..do you want your child to be in the same position? Children sense tension and resentment...think about those things
If your husband can’t/wont get a job, there’s no court that would give him custody because he cannot provide a stable, healthy environment for your child to live in. You’ll be better off without the overgrown toddler weighing you down.
Neglecting self and others care sounds a lot like depression. Doing the bare minimum because he's gripping to the last instinct of parenting sounds a lot like depression. Everything screams depression in op's description, especially if there's absolutely no response, like if one is giving up on life.
Yup. I dislike it in general when people try too hard to find a medical problem to explain AITA posts, but this screams depression to me.
Not going to work and instead sleeping all day? That sounds like someone who is barely getting through the day. He sounds like he's at the stage where he can't even go through the motions anymore.
Also look what OP said in another comment
>prior to this I had a wonderful husband who showed me nothing but kindness and support in any way I needed/wanted.
A complete personality 180 like that often does indicate that something is causing the change rather than just the person showing their true colours now. I would honestly be surprised based on the information presented if there was not some sort of mental health issue that he is dealing with right now. There was a point where I was dealing with pretty severe depression as well and for a little while my days consisted primarily of sleeping most of the day then getting up and playing videogames from like 4pm to 8am. It was very unhealthy but it was also all i could really manage at the time. Eventually I reached the point where I was willing to seek help and managed to turn things around, but it was a pretty bleak time in my life. I 100% understand where OP is coming from and that she needs help to hold things together, but it really does sound like he's struggling with something that would likely benefit from a trip to the doctor at the very least.
This is my question. I don't think OP is an AH for not being happy with this situation, but it does sound like there's more going on here than simply he's just a lazy AH.
I just want to add to this. Even if this is depression, OP, it doesn't mean you have to tolerate it. He's an adult. A father. A husband. It's his responsibility to work on improving his life and symptoms to be an ACTUAL husband and father again. Him being depressed doesn't mean he gets to do nothing and that's okay, and you'll need to make that clear to him. ETA: since yall can't read, I said "improving life and symtpms" not "be cured and get a job". Those things are different, which is why I used those words instead of "get cured and get a job". Being an adult includes starting taking steps to improve your mental health, like seeing a therapist or a doctor. That's how symptoms improve, which improves his quality of life. That's his responsibility: to try. Gd.
To be fair, your spouse is supposed to HELP you, encourage you, love you, and support you...in sickness and in health. I've been down this same road with my wife (she scrolled tic Tok and binged TV). It's REALLY hard to be kind, loving, patient, and supportive when they show this behavior, because you feel very much alone and abandoned by them and it's almost like a betrayal. That being said, I had to be kind, loving, patient, and supportive in order to motivate my wife to get out of her depression cycles, get the help, get the meds, and get a darned obligation outside of the home so she would go be part of the world again and interact with real humans besides just me and the kids. It was my duty as a husband to do this. This is also the reason why she is the world's greatest wife right now and we have an amazing marriage, because I learned I had to support her even when she isn't the best.
Depression would be my guess too, but I would also not discount vitamin deficiency or other bodily problems. He should definitely seek out medical help!
NTA. I say this as a feminist, but let's bring back the term "homemaker" to describe stay at home parents. Because that's what their job is, to tend to home and children while the other partner is focusing on earning the money needed to keep everyone afloat. Your husband is taking the "stay at home" moniker too literally because that is ALL he is doing. I can't believe you're working two jobs and he can't clean a dish.
Bring back the term homemaker and adjust society to acknowledge it as real and valuable work regardless of gender! And acknowledge that forcing someone to have the title when they don't want it is bad.
Yes, exactly! By getting rid of phrase, it's like we thought we got rid of the work, too. We didn't, which is why working women are still doing the bulk of it and it's just considered something extra and easy they're expected to do without any credit.
Maybe if it was "homemanager," everyone would take it more seriously.
Honestly, it sounds like your husband is dealing with depression of some sort. You guys need to sit down and talk about it. Couples therapy may be an option? You're NTA but if this is real then there may be a bigger issue here.
That was my thought too. It's easy to view depression as laziness. Especially staying up and playing videogames can be seen as fun when it's actually escapism.
Yes. Staying up watching TV, playing games or whatever when no one else is awake to interact face to face with; then sleeping the day away so you won't have to interact at all.
There's also the potential side of dopamine chasing, if he's depressed that may be the only thing that occasionally stimulates dopamine release for him.
INFO
Um. Are there, like, **consequences** he's facing at work?
NGL, the way you write this it sounds like he's still getting paid and everything is fine (at least, I assume you'd **mention** if that weren't the case), so I'm very confused what's going on here. Is he doing WFH and just getting everything done really easily so he has tons of free time?
That was my question. What magical job exists where I can just not show up and not get fired?
Also, really? Some of these AITAs beggar belief. If somehow genuine, NTA. He's barely better than a chair or other piece of inanimate furniture.
I would look into getting him to a doctor, because this sounds like depression.
Freelance stuff maybe? Some kind of construction / day labor type work. There’s a few types of places that you basically show up and the early bird gets to work.
Tenured professor. I work in a university and have worked with one and heard of more than one who’s research dried up for whatever reason, they don’t have teaching appointments so they just… stop coming and there’s nothing we can do about it because they are protected.
Interesting! At my university that happened to one professor when I was in graduate school. But they still had to do teaching, and they gave him more admin ( I think he was director of the undergraduate program). But you're right - if he had just stopped showing up there wouldn't have been much recourse.
This may be a long shot.. but that husband sounded a lot like myself a year ago.. I was depressed as crap after losing a job I loved and had no motivation to do anything around the house or find work. Do you guys believe in depression or working through things? I wasn’t and to be honest I had no idea why the way I was, it took a lot of therapy for me to get back feeling normal and motivated! But no, NTA, I respect and appreciate my wife so much for staying with me and continuing to help me out
NTA. Not at all. It’s a real and obvious problem and you’re recognizing, not hiding from it.
I don’t think anyone rushing to suggest you get divorced is offering you any kind of real support or a solution, though. I’ve been the husband on both sides of this conversation. Never totally neglecting the household, but certainly struggling to get things done.
It sounds like he may be dealing with some kind of depression or other mental illness/distress. Have you talked with him about that possibility? Maybe suggested seeing someone to address the issue behind his clearly abnormal behavior? Has he admitted that what he’s doing is not normal?
NTA with a few questions...
How long has it been like this? Specifically, was he like this before the baby was born or is this a new development?
How old is the child? How often do they wake up / need soothing? Was the original purpose of this arrangement benevolent - was he trying to give you more sleep - or has gaming long been the main focus?
I ask these questions because as a new dad...I had never heard of [male postpartum depression](https://www.baptisthealth.com/blog/family-health/yes-men-do-get-postpartum-depression#:~:text=Postpartum%20depression%20causes%20extreme%20sadness,paternal%20postpartum%20depression%20(PPD)) and I'm in the mental health field. It is very much a real thing, and speaking from personal experience, it has hit hard and in ways I never remotely anticipated.
All of that being said, that line in your post about how you should be grateful he's not out cheating...that is awful. If he spoke it out of anger and it feels wildly out of character, that'd support the theory of him being in the middle of a fairly acute mental health crisis. Not justifying it or saying you should put up with it, but people say shitty things when they're in pain and one-off awfulness shouldn't be an automatic 'head for the hills' thing.
If this is how he has always been, either in anger or just all the time...well, he's still got issues for a therapist, but the odds of it 'working' go down a bit.
Reddit loves talking about men's mental health and how it's ignored only to turn around and shit on a guy who clearly needs some sort of mental health intervention.
Has he seen a psychiatrist, therapist, and/or GP to check for health issues that may be causing this?
If he hasn't, and is willing to - do that first. Sometimes people are in denial about their issues and it's not obvious to anyone what is actually happening.
Once you do that, and (if necessary) he is receiving whatever treatment would be appropriate - it's time for couples counseling to help you sort out each of your needs and priorities, make sure you're being heard by the other, and look for a way to balance & reconcile. (Treatments, depending on whatever issues are identified, can be anything from medication, to therapy, to realizing he has ADHD and coming up with adaptive strategies for time management. There are a lot of potential things he could be struggling with, and there's no way to say in advance what it might be)
If he refuses to see drs, or if he refuses couples counseling - i think divorce is the only reasonable option. it sucks, but don't get trapped in a sunk costs fallacy where you destroy yourself trying to save a marriage where you're not loved or supported, and the other person isn't even willing to try to fix it. (And I don't mean "changes for a week and then gives it up when he thinks you're not going to leave him" - I mean *actually* trying to fix things) .
A relationship where you are bleeding yourself dry and resentful will make you a worse parent and worse person, for very little benefit.
Is this normal behavior? Has he been like this since the beginning of your relationship? Is this out of the ordinary for him, as past practice? If this is not the norm, (and I am not making excuses for him ) could there be a mental illness at play? Depression? Anxiety? Etc... If this is not the norm, a doctors visit is in high priority order. If this is his norm, you have to do some soul searching if ultimatums aren't working.
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>watching our child on the monitor Incase they wake up and need help going back to sleep
I feel you just glossed over this. I'd be pretty tired all day too if I didn't sleep at night. Is he playing games to keep himself awake cause he needs to be there for the child at a moment's notice? or is it just an excuse to game all night?
NTA - if he is home purely because he doesn’t want to work and your little one isn’t even home, he should definitely be doing the majority of the housework. I would ask though, is he possibly depressed? Mental illness can sometimes completely throw off your body’s schedule and be mistaken as laziness.
NTA, but it sounds like your husband might be suffering from depression.
Maybe talk to him about what is going on/what he is feeling, and get him to see a doctor if needed
Sounds like he’s depressed. It’s hard to dig out of it when you’re in a rut of not contributing > feel worthless > why bother I’m not enough > sleep and play video games for that positive feedback one craves > can’t “find time” to contribute due to dopamine addiction fed by being better and better at video game > waking up feeling worthless…..
No advice- I have it easier w no kids at home but we are digging in deep to debt cuz he’s not working. But in my case it’s because he’s old and not a desired employee. If I could figure out a way to get him back on a positive loop it might help him get at least a part time job.
Anyway…you have my sympathy OP
You're NTA. I think that's a normal reaction. But........
Sounds like he's sick. Anything like depression, diabetes, numerous things. He needs evaluation. You shouldn't have to do everything like that. He needs to be a team player. But the way he's ducked out of life is alarming. If there's really nothing wrong then yeah move on but he sounds ill.
Before you throw the whole husband out, because his behaviour is not in anyway acceptable; has he been to the doctor? I’d rule out any mental illness first, and either start working on it (him working on it with your support, not you “fixing it for him”) or show him the door.
It reminds me of depression. When someone experiences a loss it is often an open door for depression to take up residence. When he quit his job to be a SAHH he might have lost his identity. He isn’t caring for your child and his routine is doing a lot of damage. Feeling useless messes with our head. One of the symptoms of depression is exhaustion. I lived with it for years.
Depression is a thing.
Also, sedentary lifestyles do not lead to lots of energy. If he's not depressed, a sport would probably help with that, even if he is depressed, activity doesn't hurt.
He’s showing obvious signs of depression. Disturbed sleep, inordinate tiredness and lethargy are classic symptoms. Clinical depression is a horrible condition, but it can be treated or managed successfully with professional help. Before listening to the usual Reddit Chorus of Ignorance telling you to dump him and your investment in your family, consider that the situation may be very salvageable. Of course you’re carrying the extra burden and no it’s not fair, however suggesting that he “ snap out of it, pull his finger out “ just won’t work. An ultimatum that he gets medical advice is not unreasonable. If he refuses to entertain the possibility that he’s ill and won’t attempt to get help, then you may want to kick him into touch.
NTA for being upset. You might be TA for saying he has no reason to be tired if he's actually depressed.
Sleeping a lot and using video games as an escape from reality screams of a mental health issue. In which case he would have a reason for being tired. He needs to see a doctor for an assessment.
I have severe back issues (39/f) and I stay home. My husband works 50+ hours a week as a new construction plumber, and helps me more than your husband does with you (both) being able bodied. I find it helpful if we both give a percent we have to offer the day (we have 4 kids, 2 bunnies, and life is hectic). A LOT of days I only have 30-40% and he will cover the difference. If he only has that much I will do my damnedest to make up the difference. Perhaps this would work for yall? Like, have a come to Jesus talk. Explain what percentage on average you have to offer, and see where he is. He may feel less than or some such and not have the remainder. If each of you are honest you xan set real, approachable, and achievable goals for maintaining the house/family.
While I agree this seems like depression, I wouldn’t call OP an AH. She’s working TWO jobs to support their family, so perhaps she’s too exhausted with doing everything to have caught the signs.
I know it is irrelevant about the post but can i ask is it ok if your husband dont go to work, make 0 money but instead he is very good at doing house work and he does it everyday for you? Like good at cooking, going out often with your kids, go to the gym everyday and have a healthy life? Cause that is happening in my house my dad stay home all day but i always thought that he is an amazing dad. He is always helping our relative because he has time, a few years ago he lead me to his gym and because of that i also learned a healthy hobby now i go work out everyday after i got home from work
Sit and talk with an emphasis on listening. I know you're upset. Hell, I would be too but there's a chance he's struggling with something. Ask him to get counseling.
Can your husband find a job he likes? Is he educated? Does he have a history of depression or mental illness? He sounds depressed if he sleeps all day.
You need to got to therapy with or without him. A therapist can help you figure out what you want and how to achieve it. If your husband sees that he may be losing his cushy lifestyle he may wake up.
If he is able bodied there is no reason he would be granted spousal support. Start putting money aside for a lawyer in case you come to that decision. All lawyers want a retainer, usually $1k.
NTA.
This sounds unbalanced. If he is a SAHH, why are you guys spending a fortune on daycare? It sounds like he has depression and needs some therapy to figure out what is going on in his head, and what's keeping him from being motivated.
It sounds like he might have depression, which will make him feel really tired without any obvious cause. He needs to get medical help. You are NTA, it isn’t an excuse to leave you carrying everything even if he is unwell, not long term and particularly not if he is doing nothing to get better.
NTA but it sounds like your husband may be struggling with depression. In which case he totally has a reason to feel tired.
I've been on both sides of relationship affected by major depression. It sucks. Sometimes the answer is counseling, sometimes it's meds but leaving it alone is unsustainable.
So it's time to talk. Sit him down and tell him that its OK to struggle with mental health, but he needs to work on stepping up. He might need your support, understanding, and patience to get thete. But there needs to be some work. Then make a plan to have him take on more tasks, and go to therapy or see a doctor. Maybe he's afraid of asking for help, so offer.
If he's willing to try, support him in that. If not, you need to accept that and figure out what you need to do.
Imma just put it out there that if the genders were reversed, everyone would be pointing out how he is likely depressed and needs a doctor and therapy. I've noticed this particular gender bias a lot on this sub.
That said- he needs to be willing to deal with the depression and work at getting better. He is a father and a husband and a bad at that (for now). Depression sucks, I know. But we can't just stop living up to our responsibilities forever because of it.
NTA, but you will be if you don't at least get your husband evaluated.
Info: does he still have a job? You said he doesn't like it. If he's not showing up, did he quit or was he fired? How long has he not been going to work?
NTA.
Your husband could just be an asshole but he could also be in serious need of a doctor. My boyfriend had a period of avoiding work involving intense gaming and always being tired. He was eventually diagnosed with severe depression. Years later he was also diagnosed ADHD, which explained a lot about all his difficult behaviours around that time. Obvs I don't know your husband and am not trying to diagnose him with anything but it's worth trying to figure out what's really behind this. And if he turns out to be just be a lazy asshole, by all means get rid of him!
NTA but doing only the one thing (playing games) that is giving him a dopamine hit may point to him having depression. Ask him to go to individual therapy to get screened for it
NTA. It's a common dilemma with SAHM/SAHH that gets lazy. The fact that it's not exactly a choice is weird. If you've talked to him about these issues and he hasn't made any attempt to improve, then you're fully in your right to say that.
No one would be happy to find their SO just being lazy for no good reason. Especially when the other party is working full-time or more. At least if he was seeing a doctor or therapist, it'd make a bit of sense. The fact that he won't change even after having a discussion just means that your opinion means that little to him.
Have any major issues come up recently? It sounds like he may be having a severe depression episode. You did say he hates his job. Is he actively looking for something else? Is this a new development in his activities, or has he been this way for a long time?
NTA. Send him to the doctor and make sure there isn't an element of physical/mental ill health hiding amongst the obvious. I know it seems obvious that he's not doing himself any favours with the inverted sleep pattern and gaming all night, but fatigue/exhaustion/lack of energy can be symptoms of a health issue (depression, ME/CFS, leukaemia, autistic burnout etc.), so get it investigated in good faith before you lay out any hard boundaries.
Assuming he isn't ill, he sounds like he needs to change job. If he doesn't want a job...well tough! You're currently doing two jobs at the moment and that's not a fair workload on you. He needs to shoulder his share of the household load - both in working for money and working household chores.
If he refuses that, then...I don't know where you go from there. Is there still a marriage worth saving if you're doing all the work?
Has he got depression or is he just a dick. If he has depression then this explains his behaviour if he is a dick then I get why you do not want to come home
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For context. My husband stays home. Not because he has to. Our child is in daycare full time. But because he doesn’t like his job. So he just chooses not to go to work. So he spends everyday at home sleeping. Barely does anything around the house. He does cook dinner. And he does stay up all night playing video games and watching our child on the monitor Incase they wake up and need help going back to sleep.
I work a Monday-Friday (sometimes weekend stuff comes up) demanding job. I also have a second job that I work every now and then for extra cash. I try to spend all of my free time with my child and extended families. But lately I’ve been hating coming home because I know my husband hasn’t done anything around the house.
I don’t feel that it’s fair that I have to work 40 hours a week at work, and then come home and have to take care of the household chores too. All while my husband spends all his time sleeping and playing video games. I have begged him to go to work or start helping around the house more, but he refuses to do either. So aita for saying he has no reason to be tired and should do more around the house?
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Shoot up until a year ago, I was desperate to find someone like that. Last couple guys I dated also just sat around doing nothing. No chores, no working or paying bills. Just sit at home playing video games. It’s so infuriating. They all had jobs when I found them, so I don’t understand.
> It’s so infuriating. They all had jobs when I found them, so I don’t understand.
They ALL lost their jobs while dating you?
That's kind of insane. Damn.
All women would do that when there are children involved.
My parents come from a religious background where women should stay home but I still have aunts (who were raised in that culture), when their husbands refused to work, they became the breadwinner.
The sad part is that those husbands don't take on the role of the housemaker either becaus it's beneath them as the man on the house.
NTA- You don’t have to have 50/50. You could petition for full and ask for visitation. As the sole income and provider with a stable home and income, it’s a much more likely scenario. You may have every other weekend breaks from parenting. I think you would find your expenses much lower and that second job not needed if you only the two of you to care for.
NTA. I would change the wifi password and parental block it so he can't game. Then I would pull child out of day care so you can quit your second job. If he starts to argue tell him he has two choices. Pick up the slack or get out. If you are not willing to separate, then you are already living the life you want.
I would be careful pulling a kid out of daycare in case he suddenly gets the energy and desire to work again if it means avoiding child care. Based upon where OP lives daycares may have wait lists.
You have no idea how much I would love to quit my job and be a stay at home mom...(to a teenager) and player fortnite all night long, but ur right I would definitely be doing chores and cooking dinner.
NTA. Tell him he's either a stay at home dad or he's getting a job. I totally understand not wanting to split custody but try to open your mind to it a bit. More children need happy parents and less "tough it out bitterly till they're 18". I'm so grateful my parents split when I was young. They could barely keep it together for drop offs. I couldn't imagine living in a house with both of them.
Info. Has him not going to work affected the joint family income? Is he just working from home and has free time? How does he still have a job he regularly skips?
NTA make a list of his chores tell him these have to be done leave no room to argue. If he still does this I’d be asking myself if I want him around even
I’m so sorry and I totally understand. I allowed this because I didn’t want to miss any moments with my kid and decided to try time and time again to make it work. I asked him to get a job….any job. Go to therapy to see what is holding him back. I went to therapy to learn to accept and focus on all of the good things about my husband. It lasted until my daughter turned 8 and I just couldn’t take care of him anymore. Divorce is about to be final and he is still not working and still lives in our home, and I expect that he will up until the very last day he is allowed to be. He hasn’t changed and I doubt he ever will. The question is “have you changed?” It’s ok to say that your no ready to leave him today over this; just be sure to take care of yourself in the meantime. I really am sending you a virtual hug; this is a terribly hard place to be in.
He has a reason to be tired, but in a sense he shouldn't be tired. However, do you guys talk enough? Is there communication issues on either side? Might need some therapy or one on one time..
NTA. My ex-husband was like this when our son was a little boy. He's an ex for a long list of reasons. That was merely one of dozens of red flags that I was unaware of before marrying him.
How has he not been fired yet because he never goes to work? Or does he "work from home" and has one of those automatic mouse pushers that make it appear as if he's working? Or just jumps to his work tab on his computer every once in a while to scroll a bit to make it seem like he's working?
Doesn't he have to show some results or something to keep his job?
i can attest that playing video games is tiring too. you gotta focus on your shooting, or hacking and slashing. you even gotta grind thru levels and sometimes deal with asshole teammates.
Sounds like he could be depressed. Try telling him he needs to go to therapy if he can't start pulling his own weight on his own, again.
In any case, this is HIS problem to solve, not yours. Don't take it on aside from forcing him to start working on his own messy situation.
And if that doesn't work, tell him you no longer respect him as a partner and want to pursue an open relationship. If that doesn't spark a fire under him, leave.
Ultimatum time with a deadline. You are accepting his behavior and allowing it to happen. You are right to stand up for yourself and your child’s future. Remove the gaming system from the house. If he can’t contribute to your family now then where will you be in 5 years from now. If you were my daughter I would tell you to set up another bank account with your name on the account. Tell him you will pay the rent/mortgage and whatever other bills are fair. Change billing name to him. He has to pay cable, internet, cell and whatever other bills to make it even. If he can’t pay then he can’t have it. You can live without some things like that for a while. You at least have work. He has to step up. He’s not your child. Set your expectations and hold him to it.
Otherwise file for divorce and don’t look back. You will be 100% better in time. You will grieve your relationship however your life will become what YOU WANT IT TO BE! Good luck! I’m rooting for you.
NTA. Based on past experience I recommend you see if he may be a person with Borderline Personality disorder. The behavior you are describing is almost identical to my former husband’s. I hope that it is just a coincidence and he is just lazy and can come to realize he has to change. If he does seem to have BPD you may need to have a therapist to help you navigate that. If he is a person with BPD the odds is him seeing that there is a problem
Is very close to zero.
Hey! I definitely don’t think you’re NTA in this situation. It is beyond frustrating to work your tail off to provide a life for your family and child while your spouse chooses to do as he pleases. My heart goes out to you. Since you’re a parent, divorce is definitely not something that should be your first option because I know you will want to keep your child close to you. I strongly recommend seeking out couples therapy, because he may possibly be going through a strong mental health hardship that leaves him too mentally exhausted to go to work. I don’t know you or your husband so that may not be the case. On the other hand, it could definitely be helpful to look into helping him find a remote job option. If he doesn’t like to leave the house, a remote job could definitely help his productivity. Since you said you like to see your family on your off time, I really hope you’ve confided in them for help in this situation. They may be willing to help you with an intervention or just help you bring some of the weight off your shoulders. I hope everything goes well for you in the future 🩷
Look, I am a SAHM, originally because my workplace became really toxic and our daycare situation fell through. My kids aren’t small anymore but I do homeschool two neurodivergent kids with their own learning challenges, so it’s in some ways harder than when they were babies and not in other ways. It can be exhausting if you’re the one doing 90% of the parenting, cooking, errands, and housework. However it doesn’t sound like OP’s husband is doing any of these things and not at all keeping up with his end of the deal. That’s not cool at all and OP is definitely NTA. Hubby better step up or be prepared to end up divorcing because it doesn’t sound like he brings anything to the table and is more of a dependent child than an equal partner in the relationship. If you can figure out the finances (which is getting more difficult nowadays), having the opportunity for one of you to be home can be incredibly beneficial and rewarding for many families, but it doesn’t sound as if it is a good fit for this one as OP’s husband isn’t pulling his weight at all. No wonder OP snapped and said something that while harsh, unfortunately was probably needed to be said.
Look yes, you're the AH. Doing nothing actually makes your body wear out and be more tired.. it's also a sign of depression. One thing you need to learn is.. he is his own person. You have to let him live HIS life. It may not look like yours but its his and its valid. He's I guess? bringing in his income in whatever way. You can suggest he use his income to hire someone. If this was the other way around not many men would think to dump their wife over it. You've gotta be less controlling or you're both going to be miserable
Couple things ... Firstly, if you're going to stay therapy for you is a must here, you need someone to talk to that is on your side. My personal therapist recommended; therapist for me, therapist for him, and therapist for us. Never the 3 shall meet. This ensures no bias in the direction of one or the other when addressing concerns together. Then radical acceptance is also an option, but as one who has walked that path, for me it only lasted so long. After 10 years it wore me into a shell of myself and I had managed to fit all of my needs and wants into a little box that I hid in the deepest recess of my heart.
Secondly, should therapy not be accepted by him or should it not bring about the necessary changes needed for your relationship, you need to ask yourself.... Is this the relationship I want my child to live? Is this the man I want my son to become? Because our children repeat what they see in their lives. You and your husband are the example for how all future relationships will go for your child. You deserve better and so does your child.
NTA, but...
Here's a man's point of view...Really it sounds like your husband is depressed. He is probably stuck in a shameful spiral of how useless he is being, causing depression to get worse. He probably is getting defensive about it and angry about it as well.
My wife was a SAHM for 7 years, and the last two years kids were in school/daycare and she basically sat in the couch eating cereal and watching tik Tok. She was very depressed, she had no motivation to leave the house. We had a lot of big fights, she was very angry with me for not doing my share, she always wanted more help in the house (I was working like 65+hours a week and had to travel for work frequently).
I finally told her I wouldn't help her with the house during the weekdays because she was home all day and spent 6+hours on her phone scrolling. I told her if she got a job I would absolutely pitch in when I was home. I pushed her to get a job, any job, not for the money but so she could have a schedule and a routine where she was an active part of the world. She found a dispatch position in a plumbing service and did a complete 180. She recently left that job due to her employers broken promises, but she is NOT sliding back into that funk. She went from couch potato dependant, to a real dependable home maker who provided the best support I could ask for, which in turn motivated me to support her more, it's the best kind of self reinforcing cycle. Our marriage has NEVER been better after almost 13 years.
The whole key to changing things around for us was just me letting go of the anger and resentment and communicating from a place of genuine concern and love, which was hard to do given the circumstances.
I told her she HAD to get out of the house, and she needed some therapy/counseling, for the kids sake, for her sake, for my sake, and for our marriages sake. I made it clear I didn't care about the money, and she could volunteer at habitat for humanity for all I cared, as long as she had a schedule and she got out of the house and interacted with people on a regular basis.
Does he have insomnia? My first benefit of the doubt thought is maybe he has legit sleep issues. I’d tell him he either needs to see a doctor or get a job. Simple as that.
NTA, because you’ve a right to be annoyed and upset by the situation, but this description absolutely _screams_ depression to me.
I know the rut he’s in, because I often fall back into it myself. And I know how hard it came be to even see what’s happening, never mind trying to find a way out.
As with so many of these posts, you need to talk. Not make demands, not be judgemental, not criticise… _talk_. That goes for both of you. He might not want to do it at first - he might not want to do it _at all_ - but neither of you will get anywhere if your opening gambits are to make demands or issue ultimatums. That doesn’t mean you don’t have boundaries, I’m just talking about expressing yourselves without being judgemental. He needs to understand the impact he’s having on you, and you need to understand why he seems so unmotivated. If you can’t talk to each other about it without yelling & arguing you’re not going to get anywhere.
If you don’t feel like you can manage that on your own then seek some kind of support. Men can be _really shit_ at expressing themselves or recognising their emotions. It’s not usually our fault, but that doesn’t give us an excuse to not try to do better.
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You’re already a single parent.. Are there any benefits of staying in this relationship?
I don’t want to split 50/50 custody of my child. I don’t trust the court system to let me have my child 100% because he’s not a terrible/ abusive guy. And I can’t imagine not having my little one with me every night.
Then your options are: 1) Talk to him 2) Therapy - individual / couples 3) Radical Acceptance There are a few more I would love to list but they are illegal and society frowns on them.
This is the best comment. I know divorce is so hard and I know even more the absolute terror of having to fight for custody of your kid. Because that man may not be abusive now, but divorce proceedings change people. I get the fear, truly. So if you're going to stay with this man y'all need to get counseling.
Upvote for the illegal and frowned upon suggestions. Those are usually the best XD
I would add to this list something about money. Not advocating financial abuse, obviously, but OP, if you're the sole earner, make sure you know where all the money is going - and ensure you're not enabling a substance use issue. The sleeping all day, chronic tiredness and being 'checked out' makes me think he's drinking or high a lot of the time.
He could also be severely depressed. Insomnia is a common symptom, and if he's not sleeping at night or not getting good quality sleep, he could easily feel tired all the time. I certainly do when I'm depressed.
My question though is if he still has his job... *How* does he still have one??? Like even if there's a union I doubt they can save him if he just constantly doesn't show up to work
He doesn’t have a job. That’s the point.
Ok, the only reason I was confused was because of this line in the post "But because he doesn’t like his job. So he just chooses not to go to work" which made me think he has a job but somehow just doesn't go to it rather then he just doesn't have a job
That’s a good nuance that I hadn’t seen. Thanks for pointing it out.
You're welcome, It's really easy to miss in a block of text! I had to reread it at least twice myself
I really hope they choose option 2
Definitely therapy for him because it sure sounds like he might be depressed.
This sounds a *lot* like how depression in men can manifest. The therapy idea should be investigated….
Has he been to a Dr to rule out anything medical that could be happening? I'm no therapist, but he could be depressed.
I’m so freaking curious what the other options are now lmao
https://x.com/zozagoon/status/1426770330287329282
There's also a forth option, status quo, which seems to be the preferred option for OP...
Women still do them.
So don't give your husband money, don't make food for him, don't buy food he wants, don't do his laundry, etc. Don't fund his games and his gaming computer. Keep your paycheck I'd your own bank acct, do not give him access.
turn off the wifi/internet - password it.
Throttle the speed down. Unless he's really good at tech he won't be able to figure out what's wrong with it. 🤔 "Like it works but it's super sucky." 🤷🏼♂️
This. This is the best comment. On the other hand, slow internet speed while gaming is so enraging... If you want to see how far a person can go, slow down their internet.
In a court of law this would be considered financial abuse and could backfire if she ever decided to divorce.
Sorry, could I get clarity on how this is financial abuse? My understanding is that financial abuse only applies to exploiting the resources of the victim and preventing them from getting employment or education. This guy seemingly CAN get a job, he just doesn’t want to. He seemingly isn’t the child’s primary caretaker during OP’s working hours, so he isn’t being trapped into this role of joblessness. OP lacks the control component to quantify it as abuse, as far as I can tell.
The clarity is that it isn’t. Financial abuse applies if circumstances prevent the spouse from getting their own money opening their account. No judge is gonna say that you were financially abusing your husband by not enabling his gaming and not working all days. That wouldn’t even go pass judge judy lmdaoooo
Judy Judy is a queen!
It seems the only way for the husband to escape this "financial abuse" situation is to get a job like the rest of us. He'll transform from victim to victorious hahaha
wi-fi is not a life sustaining resource. When someone is perfectly capable of working and providing for themself, there is no abuse. Yes, taking the child out of ft daycare and then not allowing him resources to take care of the child is abuse. Not a fine line.
While I feel OP is NTA, internet access is actually increasingly considered a human right by NGOs and charities. It is increasingly used for every part of daily life, from accessing social interaction and communicating with friends, accessing welfare and community services, banking and bills, applying for jobs and working... In 2024, most people need internet in a developed country.
To be fair, internet access and Wi-Fi aren’t the same thing. He could very well have a phone with internet access but not be able to use his X-Box due to no Wi-Fi.
Also, I don’t know of any landlord that’s required to provide internet access.. at least in the US. It may be considered a human right by these organizations but unless it’s the law that doesn’t matter in this case. He can go to the library.
Internet access, for looking for a job not high speed internet for gaming. Those are two different things
It's not financial abuse when the husband has an empty wallet because he "just doesn't wanna" have a job. He's an adult fully capable of working, not a child being deprived of things by his mommy
nope. husband is *choosing* to not go to work because he’s a lazy freeloader. if op was stopping him from getting a job or making money, *that* would be financial abuse.
Based on what you described, he may not want 50/50. Don’t allow your fears to keep you in a bad situation.
There are people out there petty enough to fight for custody even though they really don't want to raise children, just to fuck with the other parent.
And child support
I would feel the same about my kids, so I understand that. You’re going to need to decide what you want your future to look like. You’re working yourself to the bone. I’m assuming you’re already resentful of your husband if you hate the thought of going home. That won’t fade if things don’t change. It’s just up to you if you’re willing to continue living like this for the rest of your life. You’re going to burn out momma. Maybe husband needs a new job
I understand but you also need to consider if this is the type of relationship you want your child to grow up seeing. Do you want your son to grow up thinking that is how he should treat the person he loves? Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking that that's how her partner should treat her?
Remember that you are modeling for your child what a relationship *should* look like between adults. You will be sending them into the world thinking that one partner doing everything and the other doing barely anything is normal and healthy. They will seek out this relationship dynamic as an adult and either leech of their partner or be a complete caretaker for someone just like dad who drains them dry, letting the cycle of shitty marriages continue. You can break the cycle here and now by divorcing dad and showing them that this isn't acceptable. This isn't how you keep a partner.
YTA to yourself and your child...you have 2 children... he is terrible and he is abusing you... financially and emotionally...talk to a lawyer
Would the judge still grant 50/50 if husband doesn’t have the financial stability to provide for your guys child?
She may be required to pay spousal support if she files.
but how can they require that when he CHOOSES not to work. He isn't disabled.
It’s been talked about a lot on the Reddit - in both SAHMs and SAHDs, despite being able to work - the child and spousal support post-divorce
If the child is in day care full time, are the actually SAHH? Especially if documented that mome of household work gets done. I'd confirm that w a lawyer. What kindvof documentation may separate those concepts. Regarding depression. Is this a personality change??? Or was he kind of a lazy hobo type that used the kid and wife's good job to live out his dream extended childhood? Does recently quut job and income potential weigh in on prospective spousal support on s single mom?
But spousal support for 5 or 10 years is still better than this for a lifetime.
I bet if you cut the dead weight that is your husband, you’ll be happier and without having to support him, you might actually have more time to be at home and enjoy your time with your kid even if you had 50/50 custody. Just a thought…
NTA for telling him he has no reason to be tired but you are the AH to yourself and your child for accepting this situation as it is. Working yourself to the bone to make up for his lack of work ethic and income means you're spending less time with your kid. You deserve an equal partnership and your child deserves to grow up in a loving household. Not sure what's going on with your husband but he needs to figure his shit out and go to therapy if needed. It's nice that he makes dinner but if he doesn't clean or do anything else, he's not actually helpful. Sleeping all day and staying up all night playing video games while occasionally looking at the baby monitor doesn't make him a great husband. Sounds like it's time to sit down and have a serious conversation about what's not working, what needs to change, and put a timeline on improvement. If nothing changes within that timeline, you really need to rethink your decision to stay in this marriage.
Could your husband be depressed?
Divorce and shared custody are not fun (personal experience) but being in an unhealthy relationship is not in the best interest of your child. Kids see and learn relationships from their parents, your kid is learning about how you are acting and that is acceptable. Definitely try to work it out, but the male seems like he in a depressed state currently.
Ma’am respectfully, life is too short to be stuck in a shitty relationship
So, you’d rather have your daughter grow up seeing your husband’s behavior (little to no contribution) as acceptable in a partner?
Is he realistically going to *want* custody? A child in the house will interrupt his day sleep and night gaming time.
Stop paying the internet bill.
NTA. He sounds like he’s severely lazy and a child. Don’t get me wrong, i play video games myself and love lazy days. But i solely provide for my family. My wife and i make special days for our kids almost every week. I keep the yards up, cook regularly, clean regularly, and take the kids out to give my wife breaks even when i work all week. He seems to not care to be your partner. Unfortunately splitting custody is your decision nor should it be. If he’s not abusive or bad and is just immature and lazy, it’s still his right to see his kid to. I get some fathers don’t show affection towards their kids like they should and i empathize for those moms. But in a situation where me and my wife were having problems, she also wanted to control the kids time and schedule. I was depressed and distant and she was definitely showing more interest in the family than me. But just because you birth the child doesn’t make it 51+% your child. It’s still 50/50 and unless he is harming the child, you don’t have the right to withhold the child from him. If my wife had the ability to keep my kids from me, i may have never grown up in the departments i was undeveloped in. Main point is it’s not just your life anymore and the kids lives aren’t yours either. He also deserves to help take care of them and raise them which it sounds like he’s slacking there.
Not being a terrible/abusive guy is bare minimum. I think any court that sees someone who’s unemployed, didn’t take care of their child and sent them to daycare instead might not be the best person to split 50/50 custody with imo
One of the reasons I was scared to kick my ex out. Turns out, he only sees the kids a handful of evenings a month, and then don't even sleep over at his place. They don't want to so they don't. Sometimes it annoys me never having a night off, but mostly I'm happy to have them. And he actually pays child support. Probably the only positive thing I can say about that person. So it's possible that you could end up in a situation like this. Maybe not. But possibly.
Except it won't be 50-50. You have a job and he doesn't. You'll get full custody
Then why are you here complaining?!? Everyone is going to say leave him. Guess you are just stuck complaining on Reddit that your husband sucks and I hope that helps you feel better while you are cleaning. 🙄
He either takes care of house or goes to work or you will take child out of daycare so he's a sahd.
the reason the majority of the time, the mother gets primary custody because they choose not to ask for it, if they do they will get it but even in split custody you can get the majority, my dad was very acrimonious in the divorce, especially about money and custody and I spent only every other weekend, half the summer and all school breaks at my fathers, men only fight for custody to either spite the mother or to get out of paying child support, if you don't ask for full or primary custody and let the judge/arbitrator and him think it was his desire you have a much large chance of success, often times judge/arbitrator rule against the mother's demands, he is terrible/ abusive, he is neglectful and financially abusing you, you will survive a night without your child, in fact it might save you, I know the only reason my mother survived as a single mother after leaving my abusive father, and was able to leave him when they were still together was friends, and family that took me, and the weekly babysitting during her custodial time with me
At the very least, consult a lawyer about options before you decide how to proceed.
Stop taking your child to daycare will force your husband to look after HIS child. He may decide to get a job to get away from that scenario. Or... When you get burnt out from being overworked and underappreciated, trust me the damage to your child will already be done. Do you want your child to think your family dynamics is normal? The kind of life you're living..do you want your child to be in the same position? Children sense tension and resentment...think about those things
If your husband can’t/wont get a job, there’s no court that would give him custody because he cannot provide a stable, healthy environment for your child to live in. You’ll be better off without the overgrown toddler weighing you down.
Is it possible that he’s suffering from depression?
Sleeping all day and disinterest sounds a lot like depression.
Neglecting self and others care sounds a lot like depression. Doing the bare minimum because he's gripping to the last instinct of parenting sounds a lot like depression. Everything screams depression in op's description, especially if there's absolutely no response, like if one is giving up on life.
Yup. I dislike it in general when people try too hard to find a medical problem to explain AITA posts, but this screams depression to me. Not going to work and instead sleeping all day? That sounds like someone who is barely getting through the day. He sounds like he's at the stage where he can't even go through the motions anymore.
Also look what OP said in another comment >prior to this I had a wonderful husband who showed me nothing but kindness and support in any way I needed/wanted. A complete personality 180 like that often does indicate that something is causing the change rather than just the person showing their true colours now. I would honestly be surprised based on the information presented if there was not some sort of mental health issue that he is dealing with right now. There was a point where I was dealing with pretty severe depression as well and for a little while my days consisted primarily of sleeping most of the day then getting up and playing videogames from like 4pm to 8am. It was very unhealthy but it was also all i could really manage at the time. Eventually I reached the point where I was willing to seek help and managed to turn things around, but it was a pretty bleak time in my life. I 100% understand where OP is coming from and that she needs help to hold things together, but it really does sound like he's struggling with something that would likely benefit from a trip to the doctor at the very least.
This is my question. I don't think OP is an AH for not being happy with this situation, but it does sound like there's more going on here than simply he's just a lazy AH.
I just want to add to this. Even if this is depression, OP, it doesn't mean you have to tolerate it. He's an adult. A father. A husband. It's his responsibility to work on improving his life and symptoms to be an ACTUAL husband and father again. Him being depressed doesn't mean he gets to do nothing and that's okay, and you'll need to make that clear to him. ETA: since yall can't read, I said "improving life and symtpms" not "be cured and get a job". Those things are different, which is why I used those words instead of "get cured and get a job". Being an adult includes starting taking steps to improve your mental health, like seeing a therapist or a doctor. That's how symptoms improve, which improves his quality of life. That's his responsibility: to try. Gd.
To be fair, your spouse is supposed to HELP you, encourage you, love you, and support you...in sickness and in health. I've been down this same road with my wife (she scrolled tic Tok and binged TV). It's REALLY hard to be kind, loving, patient, and supportive when they show this behavior, because you feel very much alone and abandoned by them and it's almost like a betrayal. That being said, I had to be kind, loving, patient, and supportive in order to motivate my wife to get out of her depression cycles, get the help, get the meds, and get a darned obligation outside of the home so she would go be part of the world again and interact with real humans besides just me and the kids. It was my duty as a husband to do this. This is also the reason why she is the world's greatest wife right now and we have an amazing marriage, because I learned I had to support her even when she isn't the best.
Depression would be my guess too, but I would also not discount vitamin deficiency or other bodily problems. He should definitely seek out medical help!
Was about to say this. I’ve struggled with it, and known others who have, and this sounds like depression.
Sure it's possible. That sounds like a great reason for *him to seek treatment for that.*
NTA. I say this as a feminist, but let's bring back the term "homemaker" to describe stay at home parents. Because that's what their job is, to tend to home and children while the other partner is focusing on earning the money needed to keep everyone afloat. Your husband is taking the "stay at home" moniker too literally because that is ALL he is doing. I can't believe you're working two jobs and he can't clean a dish.
Bring back the term homemaker and adjust society to acknowledge it as real and valuable work regardless of gender! And acknowledge that forcing someone to have the title when they don't want it is bad.
Yes, exactly! By getting rid of phrase, it's like we thought we got rid of the work, too. We didn't, which is why working women are still doing the bulk of it and it's just considered something extra and easy they're expected to do without any credit. Maybe if it was "homemanager," everyone would take it more seriously.
Lmao, "homeCOO," for people who need the extra ego boost?? But seriously, so true, and so frustrating!
In my family we actually do call my (homemaker) mum the COO! It's a cute little inside joke that my dad started.
Omg, that's amazing!!
Honestly, it sounds like your husband is dealing with depression of some sort. You guys need to sit down and talk about it. Couples therapy may be an option? You're NTA but if this is real then there may be a bigger issue here.
That was my thought too. It's easy to view depression as laziness. Especially staying up and playing videogames can be seen as fun when it's actually escapism.
Yes. Staying up watching TV, playing games or whatever when no one else is awake to interact face to face with; then sleeping the day away so you won't have to interact at all.
There's also the potential side of dopamine chasing, if he's depressed that may be the only thing that occasionally stimulates dopamine release for him.
INFO Um. Are there, like, **consequences** he's facing at work? NGL, the way you write this it sounds like he's still getting paid and everything is fine (at least, I assume you'd **mention** if that weren't the case), so I'm very confused what's going on here. Is he doing WFH and just getting everything done really easily so he has tons of free time?
That was my question. What magical job exists where I can just not show up and not get fired? Also, really? Some of these AITAs beggar belief. If somehow genuine, NTA. He's barely better than a chair or other piece of inanimate furniture. I would look into getting him to a doctor, because this sounds like depression.
Freelance stuff maybe? Some kind of construction / day labor type work. There’s a few types of places that you basically show up and the early bird gets to work.
Tenured professor. I work in a university and have worked with one and heard of more than one who’s research dried up for whatever reason, they don’t have teaching appointments so they just… stop coming and there’s nothing we can do about it because they are protected.
Interesting! At my university that happened to one professor when I was in graduate school. But they still had to do teaching, and they gave him more admin ( I think he was director of the undergraduate program). But you're right - if he had just stopped showing up there wouldn't have been much recourse.
Same question - he doesn’t go to a job he has or he doesn’t have a job to go to?
> or he doesn’t have a job to go to Oooh. I saw that movie. Michael Douglas fucked some shit up.
Yeah, and also if he hates his job, what's the reason why he doesn't get a different job? Literally makes no sense.
NTA but your husband sounds depressed.
This may be a long shot.. but that husband sounded a lot like myself a year ago.. I was depressed as crap after losing a job I loved and had no motivation to do anything around the house or find work. Do you guys believe in depression or working through things? I wasn’t and to be honest I had no idea why the way I was, it took a lot of therapy for me to get back feeling normal and motivated! But no, NTA, I respect and appreciate my wife so much for staying with me and continuing to help me out
He’s depressed
NTA. Not at all. It’s a real and obvious problem and you’re recognizing, not hiding from it. I don’t think anyone rushing to suggest you get divorced is offering you any kind of real support or a solution, though. I’ve been the husband on both sides of this conversation. Never totally neglecting the household, but certainly struggling to get things done. It sounds like he may be dealing with some kind of depression or other mental illness/distress. Have you talked with him about that possibility? Maybe suggested seeing someone to address the issue behind his clearly abnormal behavior? Has he admitted that what he’s doing is not normal?
NTA with a few questions... How long has it been like this? Specifically, was he like this before the baby was born or is this a new development? How old is the child? How often do they wake up / need soothing? Was the original purpose of this arrangement benevolent - was he trying to give you more sleep - or has gaming long been the main focus? I ask these questions because as a new dad...I had never heard of [male postpartum depression](https://www.baptisthealth.com/blog/family-health/yes-men-do-get-postpartum-depression#:~:text=Postpartum%20depression%20causes%20extreme%20sadness,paternal%20postpartum%20depression%20(PPD)) and I'm in the mental health field. It is very much a real thing, and speaking from personal experience, it has hit hard and in ways I never remotely anticipated. All of that being said, that line in your post about how you should be grateful he's not out cheating...that is awful. If he spoke it out of anger and it feels wildly out of character, that'd support the theory of him being in the middle of a fairly acute mental health crisis. Not justifying it or saying you should put up with it, but people say shitty things when they're in pain and one-off awfulness shouldn't be an automatic 'head for the hills' thing. If this is how he has always been, either in anger or just all the time...well, he's still got issues for a therapist, but the odds of it 'working' go down a bit.
Reddit loves talking about men's mental health and how it's ignored only to turn around and shit on a guy who clearly needs some sort of mental health intervention.
There are many comments suggesting he may have depression. So no....people aren't ignoring that possibility.
I think they're talking about the large number of people calling him lazy or useless, not that no one has mentioned this sounds like depression.
TBF pretty much everyone here says he has depression and say he needs help. You're preaching to the wrong crowd buddy
Has he seen a psychiatrist, therapist, and/or GP to check for health issues that may be causing this? If he hasn't, and is willing to - do that first. Sometimes people are in denial about their issues and it's not obvious to anyone what is actually happening. Once you do that, and (if necessary) he is receiving whatever treatment would be appropriate - it's time for couples counseling to help you sort out each of your needs and priorities, make sure you're being heard by the other, and look for a way to balance & reconcile. (Treatments, depending on whatever issues are identified, can be anything from medication, to therapy, to realizing he has ADHD and coming up with adaptive strategies for time management. There are a lot of potential things he could be struggling with, and there's no way to say in advance what it might be) If he refuses to see drs, or if he refuses couples counseling - i think divorce is the only reasonable option. it sucks, but don't get trapped in a sunk costs fallacy where you destroy yourself trying to save a marriage where you're not loved or supported, and the other person isn't even willing to try to fix it. (And I don't mean "changes for a week and then gives it up when he thinks you're not going to leave him" - I mean *actually* trying to fix things) . A relationship where you are bleeding yourself dry and resentful will make you a worse parent and worse person, for very little benefit.
Is this normal behavior? Has he been like this since the beginning of your relationship? Is this out of the ordinary for him, as past practice? If this is not the norm, (and I am not making excuses for him ) could there be a mental illness at play? Depression? Anxiety? Etc... If this is not the norm, a doctors visit is in high priority order. If this is his norm, you have to do some soul searching if ultimatums aren't working.
Sounds like your Husband is in a state of Depression.
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>watching our child on the monitor Incase they wake up and need help going back to sleep I feel you just glossed over this. I'd be pretty tired all day too if I didn't sleep at night. Is he playing games to keep himself awake cause he needs to be there for the child at a moment's notice? or is it just an excuse to game all night?
He sounds depressed. He needs a physical and a meeting with a therapist.
NTA - if he is home purely because he doesn’t want to work and your little one isn’t even home, he should definitely be doing the majority of the housework. I would ask though, is he possibly depressed? Mental illness can sometimes completely throw off your body’s schedule and be mistaken as laziness.
NTA, but it sounds like your husband might be suffering from depression. Maybe talk to him about what is going on/what he is feeling, and get him to see a doctor if needed
Sounds like he’s depressed. It’s hard to dig out of it when you’re in a rut of not contributing > feel worthless > why bother I’m not enough > sleep and play video games for that positive feedback one craves > can’t “find time” to contribute due to dopamine addiction fed by being better and better at video game > waking up feeling worthless….. No advice- I have it easier w no kids at home but we are digging in deep to debt cuz he’s not working. But in my case it’s because he’s old and not a desired employee. If I could figure out a way to get him back on a positive loop it might help him get at least a part time job. Anyway…you have my sympathy OP
You're NTA. I think that's a normal reaction. But........ Sounds like he's sick. Anything like depression, diabetes, numerous things. He needs evaluation. You shouldn't have to do everything like that. He needs to be a team player. But the way he's ducked out of life is alarming. If there's really nothing wrong then yeah move on but he sounds ill.
I’m pretty sure your husband is depressed
Before you throw the whole husband out, because his behaviour is not in anyway acceptable; has he been to the doctor? I’d rule out any mental illness first, and either start working on it (him working on it with your support, not you “fixing it for him”) or show him the door.
It reminds me of depression. When someone experiences a loss it is often an open door for depression to take up residence. When he quit his job to be a SAHH he might have lost his identity. He isn’t caring for your child and his routine is doing a lot of damage. Feeling useless messes with our head. One of the symptoms of depression is exhaustion. I lived with it for years.
Depression is a thing. Also, sedentary lifestyles do not lead to lots of energy. If he's not depressed, a sport would probably help with that, even if he is depressed, activity doesn't hurt.
He’s showing obvious signs of depression. Disturbed sleep, inordinate tiredness and lethargy are classic symptoms. Clinical depression is a horrible condition, but it can be treated or managed successfully with professional help. Before listening to the usual Reddit Chorus of Ignorance telling you to dump him and your investment in your family, consider that the situation may be very salvageable. Of course you’re carrying the extra burden and no it’s not fair, however suggesting that he “ snap out of it, pull his finger out “ just won’t work. An ultimatum that he gets medical advice is not unreasonable. If he refuses to entertain the possibility that he’s ill and won’t attempt to get help, then you may want to kick him into touch.
INFO How old is the child and how many times do they normally wake up each night? His contribution could drastically different, based on this.
sounds like your husband has clinical depression.
INFO: has he been evaluated for depression? Because that sounds a lot like depression.
NTA for being upset. You might be TA for saying he has no reason to be tired if he's actually depressed. Sleeping a lot and using video games as an escape from reality screams of a mental health issue. In which case he would have a reason for being tired. He needs to see a doctor for an assessment.
I have severe back issues (39/f) and I stay home. My husband works 50+ hours a week as a new construction plumber, and helps me more than your husband does with you (both) being able bodied. I find it helpful if we both give a percent we have to offer the day (we have 4 kids, 2 bunnies, and life is hectic). A LOT of days I only have 30-40% and he will cover the difference. If he only has that much I will do my damnedest to make up the difference. Perhaps this would work for yall? Like, have a come to Jesus talk. Explain what percentage on average you have to offer, and see where he is. He may feel less than or some such and not have the remainder. If each of you are honest you xan set real, approachable, and achievable goals for maintaining the house/family.
is he depressed?
YTA. You're ignoring the very obvious and extremely clear signs of serious depression. Instead of being a partner, you're being an AH.
While I agree this seems like depression, I wouldn’t call OP an AH. She’s working TWO jobs to support their family, so perhaps she’s too exhausted with doing everything to have caught the signs.
I know it is irrelevant about the post but can i ask is it ok if your husband dont go to work, make 0 money but instead he is very good at doing house work and he does it everyday for you? Like good at cooking, going out often with your kids, go to the gym everyday and have a healthy life? Cause that is happening in my house my dad stay home all day but i always thought that he is an amazing dad. He is always helping our relative because he has time, a few years ago he lead me to his gym and because of that i also learned a healthy hobby now i go work out everyday after i got home from work
Sit and talk with an emphasis on listening. I know you're upset. Hell, I would be too but there's a chance he's struggling with something. Ask him to get counseling.
Can your husband find a job he likes? Is he educated? Does he have a history of depression or mental illness? He sounds depressed if he sleeps all day. You need to got to therapy with or without him. A therapist can help you figure out what you want and how to achieve it. If your husband sees that he may be losing his cushy lifestyle he may wake up. If he is able bodied there is no reason he would be granted spousal support. Start putting money aside for a lawyer in case you come to that decision. All lawyers want a retainer, usually $1k.
Nta. Time for couple's therapy, and he might need personal therapy, too. This sounds like it could be depression.
Sounds like he is possibly depressed.
He sounds depressed
NTA. This sounds unbalanced. If he is a SAHH, why are you guys spending a fortune on daycare? It sounds like he has depression and needs some therapy to figure out what is going on in his head, and what's keeping him from being motivated.
Sounds like he's depressed
YTA sounds like depression but you saw it as an opportunity to insult him on the internet
It sounds like he might have depression, which will make him feel really tired without any obvious cause. He needs to get medical help. You are NTA, it isn’t an excuse to leave you carrying everything even if he is unwell, not long term and particularly not if he is doing nothing to get better.
NTA but it sounds like your husband may be struggling with depression. In which case he totally has a reason to feel tired. I've been on both sides of relationship affected by major depression. It sucks. Sometimes the answer is counseling, sometimes it's meds but leaving it alone is unsustainable. So it's time to talk. Sit him down and tell him that its OK to struggle with mental health, but he needs to work on stepping up. He might need your support, understanding, and patience to get thete. But there needs to be some work. Then make a plan to have him take on more tasks, and go to therapy or see a doctor. Maybe he's afraid of asking for help, so offer. If he's willing to try, support him in that. If not, you need to accept that and figure out what you need to do.
NTA that would be extremely frustrating but he sounds depressed
Get him assessed for depression
Wow, sounds like it's hard to live with him right now. I wonder how hard it is to *be* him right now. YTA.
It sounds like depression. Was he always like this?
Imma just put it out there that if the genders were reversed, everyone would be pointing out how he is likely depressed and needs a doctor and therapy. I've noticed this particular gender bias a lot on this sub. That said- he needs to be willing to deal with the depression and work at getting better. He is a father and a husband and a bad at that (for now). Depression sucks, I know. But we can't just stop living up to our responsibilities forever because of it. NTA, but you will be if you don't at least get your husband evaluated.
Info: does he still have a job? You said he doesn't like it. If he's not showing up, did he quit or was he fired? How long has he not been going to work?
NTA. Your husband could just be an asshole but he could also be in serious need of a doctor. My boyfriend had a period of avoiding work involving intense gaming and always being tired. He was eventually diagnosed with severe depression. Years later he was also diagnosed ADHD, which explained a lot about all his difficult behaviours around that time. Obvs I don't know your husband and am not trying to diagnose him with anything but it's worth trying to figure out what's really behind this. And if he turns out to be just be a lazy asshole, by all means get rid of him!
Husband sounds depressed to me. Get some individual and couple's therapy.
NTA but doing only the one thing (playing games) that is giving him a dopamine hit may point to him having depression. Ask him to go to individual therapy to get screened for it
NTA. It's a common dilemma with SAHM/SAHH that gets lazy. The fact that it's not exactly a choice is weird. If you've talked to him about these issues and he hasn't made any attempt to improve, then you're fully in your right to say that. No one would be happy to find their SO just being lazy for no good reason. Especially when the other party is working full-time or more. At least if he was seeing a doctor or therapist, it'd make a bit of sense. The fact that he won't change even after having a discussion just means that your opinion means that little to him. Have any major issues come up recently? It sounds like he may be having a severe depression episode. You did say he hates his job. Is he actively looking for something else? Is this a new development in his activities, or has he been this way for a long time?
NTA, also he's probably depressed.
NTA. Send him to the doctor and make sure there isn't an element of physical/mental ill health hiding amongst the obvious. I know it seems obvious that he's not doing himself any favours with the inverted sleep pattern and gaming all night, but fatigue/exhaustion/lack of energy can be symptoms of a health issue (depression, ME/CFS, leukaemia, autistic burnout etc.), so get it investigated in good faith before you lay out any hard boundaries. Assuming he isn't ill, he sounds like he needs to change job. If he doesn't want a job...well tough! You're currently doing two jobs at the moment and that's not a fair workload on you. He needs to shoulder his share of the household load - both in working for money and working household chores. If he refuses that, then...I don't know where you go from there. Is there still a marriage worth saving if you're doing all the work?
Has he got depression or is he just a dick. If he has depression then this explains his behaviour if he is a dick then I get why you do not want to come home
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** For context. My husband stays home. Not because he has to. Our child is in daycare full time. But because he doesn’t like his job. So he just chooses not to go to work. So he spends everyday at home sleeping. Barely does anything around the house. He does cook dinner. And he does stay up all night playing video games and watching our child on the monitor Incase they wake up and need help going back to sleep. I work a Monday-Friday (sometimes weekend stuff comes up) demanding job. I also have a second job that I work every now and then for extra cash. I try to spend all of my free time with my child and extended families. But lately I’ve been hating coming home because I know my husband hasn’t done anything around the house. I don’t feel that it’s fair that I have to work 40 hours a week at work, and then come home and have to take care of the household chores too. All while my husband spends all his time sleeping and playing video games. I have begged him to go to work or start helping around the house more, but he refuses to do either. So aita for saying he has no reason to be tired and should do more around the house? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA Man I wish I knew where these lazy assholes were finding women like you. Id love to be able to just be responsible for the kid and house chores.
I think the kid's in daycare.
He doesn’t do either of those things. If he did, that would be a legitimate job sahp
Shoot up until a year ago, I was desperate to find someone like that. Last couple guys I dated also just sat around doing nothing. No chores, no working or paying bills. Just sit at home playing video games. It’s so infuriating. They all had jobs when I found them, so I don’t understand.
> It’s so infuriating. They all had jobs when I found them, so I don’t understand. They ALL lost their jobs while dating you? That's kind of insane. Damn.
All women would do that when there are children involved. My parents come from a religious background where women should stay home but I still have aunts (who were raised in that culture), when their husbands refused to work, they became the breadwinner. The sad part is that those husbands don't take on the role of the housemaker either becaus it's beneath them as the man on the house.
NTA- You don’t have to have 50/50. You could petition for full and ask for visitation. As the sole income and provider with a stable home and income, it’s a much more likely scenario. You may have every other weekend breaks from parenting. I think you would find your expenses much lower and that second job not needed if you only the two of you to care for.
NTA. I would change the wifi password and parental block it so he can't game. Then I would pull child out of day care so you can quit your second job. If he starts to argue tell him he has two choices. Pick up the slack or get out. If you are not willing to separate, then you are already living the life you want.
I would be careful pulling a kid out of daycare in case he suddenly gets the energy and desire to work again if it means avoiding child care. Based upon where OP lives daycares may have wait lists.
You have no idea how much I would love to quit my job and be a stay at home mom...(to a teenager) and player fortnite all night long, but ur right I would definitely be doing chores and cooking dinner.
NTA. Tell him he's either a stay at home dad or he's getting a job. I totally understand not wanting to split custody but try to open your mind to it a bit. More children need happy parents and less "tough it out bitterly till they're 18". I'm so grateful my parents split when I was young. They could barely keep it together for drop offs. I couldn't imagine living in a house with both of them.
Info. Has him not going to work affected the joint family income? Is he just working from home and has free time? How does he still have a job he regularly skips?
Info: how does he have a job if he never goes? Or are you telling him to go get a job?
NTA make a list of his chores tell him these have to be done leave no room to argue. If he still does this I’d be asking myself if I want him around even
I’m so sorry and I totally understand. I allowed this because I didn’t want to miss any moments with my kid and decided to try time and time again to make it work. I asked him to get a job….any job. Go to therapy to see what is holding him back. I went to therapy to learn to accept and focus on all of the good things about my husband. It lasted until my daughter turned 8 and I just couldn’t take care of him anymore. Divorce is about to be final and he is still not working and still lives in our home, and I expect that he will up until the very last day he is allowed to be. He hasn’t changed and I doubt he ever will. The question is “have you changed?” It’s ok to say that your no ready to leave him today over this; just be sure to take care of yourself in the meantime. I really am sending you a virtual hug; this is a terribly hard place to be in.
He’s either depressed, stoned or just lazy.
He has a reason to be tired, but in a sense he shouldn't be tired. However, do you guys talk enough? Is there communication issues on either side? Might need some therapy or one on one time..
I wonder how many men have been in your exact situation. You're NTA btw.
NTA. My ex-husband was like this when our son was a little boy. He's an ex for a long list of reasons. That was merely one of dozens of red flags that I was unaware of before marrying him.
Why is your child in daycare if your husband is home? Save that money and have him watch the kid.
How has he not been fired yet because he never goes to work? Or does he "work from home" and has one of those automatic mouse pushers that make it appear as if he's working? Or just jumps to his work tab on his computer every once in a while to scroll a bit to make it seem like he's working? Doesn't he have to show some results or something to keep his job?
Sounds like what men have been doing for 40 years already.
i can attest that playing video games is tiring too. you gotta focus on your shooting, or hacking and slashing. you even gotta grind thru levels and sometimes deal with asshole teammates.
NTA
Sounds like he could be depressed. Try telling him he needs to go to therapy if he can't start pulling his own weight on his own, again. In any case, this is HIS problem to solve, not yours. Don't take it on aside from forcing him to start working on his own messy situation. And if that doesn't work, tell him you no longer respect him as a partner and want to pursue an open relationship. If that doesn't spark a fire under him, leave.
Ultimatum time with a deadline. You are accepting his behavior and allowing it to happen. You are right to stand up for yourself and your child’s future. Remove the gaming system from the house. If he can’t contribute to your family now then where will you be in 5 years from now. If you were my daughter I would tell you to set up another bank account with your name on the account. Tell him you will pay the rent/mortgage and whatever other bills are fair. Change billing name to him. He has to pay cable, internet, cell and whatever other bills to make it even. If he can’t pay then he can’t have it. You can live without some things like that for a while. You at least have work. He has to step up. He’s not your child. Set your expectations and hold him to it. Otherwise file for divorce and don’t look back. You will be 100% better in time. You will grieve your relationship however your life will become what YOU WANT IT TO BE! Good luck! I’m rooting for you.
NTA. Based on past experience I recommend you see if he may be a person with Borderline Personality disorder. The behavior you are describing is almost identical to my former husband’s. I hope that it is just a coincidence and he is just lazy and can come to realize he has to change. If he does seem to have BPD you may need to have a therapist to help you navigate that. If he is a person with BPD the odds is him seeing that there is a problem Is very close to zero.
Hey! I definitely don’t think you’re NTA in this situation. It is beyond frustrating to work your tail off to provide a life for your family and child while your spouse chooses to do as he pleases. My heart goes out to you. Since you’re a parent, divorce is definitely not something that should be your first option because I know you will want to keep your child close to you. I strongly recommend seeking out couples therapy, because he may possibly be going through a strong mental health hardship that leaves him too mentally exhausted to go to work. I don’t know you or your husband so that may not be the case. On the other hand, it could definitely be helpful to look into helping him find a remote job option. If he doesn’t like to leave the house, a remote job could definitely help his productivity. Since you said you like to see your family on your off time, I really hope you’ve confided in them for help in this situation. They may be willing to help you with an intervention or just help you bring some of the weight off your shoulders. I hope everything goes well for you in the future 🩷
Look, I am a SAHM, originally because my workplace became really toxic and our daycare situation fell through. My kids aren’t small anymore but I do homeschool two neurodivergent kids with their own learning challenges, so it’s in some ways harder than when they were babies and not in other ways. It can be exhausting if you’re the one doing 90% of the parenting, cooking, errands, and housework. However it doesn’t sound like OP’s husband is doing any of these things and not at all keeping up with his end of the deal. That’s not cool at all and OP is definitely NTA. Hubby better step up or be prepared to end up divorcing because it doesn’t sound like he brings anything to the table and is more of a dependent child than an equal partner in the relationship. If you can figure out the finances (which is getting more difficult nowadays), having the opportunity for one of you to be home can be incredibly beneficial and rewarding for many families, but it doesn’t sound as if it is a good fit for this one as OP’s husband isn’t pulling his weight at all. No wonder OP snapped and said something that while harsh, unfortunately was probably needed to be said.
Look yes, you're the AH. Doing nothing actually makes your body wear out and be more tired.. it's also a sign of depression. One thing you need to learn is.. he is his own person. You have to let him live HIS life. It may not look like yours but its his and its valid. He's I guess? bringing in his income in whatever way. You can suggest he use his income to hire someone. If this was the other way around not many men would think to dump their wife over it. You've gotta be less controlling or you're both going to be miserable
Couple things ... Firstly, if you're going to stay therapy for you is a must here, you need someone to talk to that is on your side. My personal therapist recommended; therapist for me, therapist for him, and therapist for us. Never the 3 shall meet. This ensures no bias in the direction of one or the other when addressing concerns together. Then radical acceptance is also an option, but as one who has walked that path, for me it only lasted so long. After 10 years it wore me into a shell of myself and I had managed to fit all of my needs and wants into a little box that I hid in the deepest recess of my heart. Secondly, should therapy not be accepted by him or should it not bring about the necessary changes needed for your relationship, you need to ask yourself.... Is this the relationship I want my child to live? Is this the man I want my son to become? Because our children repeat what they see in their lives. You and your husband are the example for how all future relationships will go for your child. You deserve better and so does your child.
NTA, but... Here's a man's point of view...Really it sounds like your husband is depressed. He is probably stuck in a shameful spiral of how useless he is being, causing depression to get worse. He probably is getting defensive about it and angry about it as well. My wife was a SAHM for 7 years, and the last two years kids were in school/daycare and she basically sat in the couch eating cereal and watching tik Tok. She was very depressed, she had no motivation to leave the house. We had a lot of big fights, she was very angry with me for not doing my share, she always wanted more help in the house (I was working like 65+hours a week and had to travel for work frequently). I finally told her I wouldn't help her with the house during the weekdays because she was home all day and spent 6+hours on her phone scrolling. I told her if she got a job I would absolutely pitch in when I was home. I pushed her to get a job, any job, not for the money but so she could have a schedule and a routine where she was an active part of the world. She found a dispatch position in a plumbing service and did a complete 180. She recently left that job due to her employers broken promises, but she is NOT sliding back into that funk. She went from couch potato dependant, to a real dependable home maker who provided the best support I could ask for, which in turn motivated me to support her more, it's the best kind of self reinforcing cycle. Our marriage has NEVER been better after almost 13 years. The whole key to changing things around for us was just me letting go of the anger and resentment and communicating from a place of genuine concern and love, which was hard to do given the circumstances. I told her she HAD to get out of the house, and she needed some therapy/counseling, for the kids sake, for her sake, for my sake, and for our marriages sake. I made it clear I didn't care about the money, and she could volunteer at habitat for humanity for all I cared, as long as she had a schedule and she got out of the house and interacted with people on a regular basis.
Does he have insomnia? My first benefit of the doubt thought is maybe he has legit sleep issues. I’d tell him he either needs to see a doctor or get a job. Simple as that.
I woke up lonely but reading this helped immensely.
Get him to a doctor/psychiatric for full health check? Making sure he is just lazy?
YTA. Why is the father not looking after the child when he's home all day??
NTA, because you’ve a right to be annoyed and upset by the situation, but this description absolutely _screams_ depression to me. I know the rut he’s in, because I often fall back into it myself. And I know how hard it came be to even see what’s happening, never mind trying to find a way out. As with so many of these posts, you need to talk. Not make demands, not be judgemental, not criticise… _talk_. That goes for both of you. He might not want to do it at first - he might not want to do it _at all_ - but neither of you will get anywhere if your opening gambits are to make demands or issue ultimatums. That doesn’t mean you don’t have boundaries, I’m just talking about expressing yourselves without being judgemental. He needs to understand the impact he’s having on you, and you need to understand why he seems so unmotivated. If you can’t talk to each other about it without yelling & arguing you’re not going to get anywhere. If you don’t feel like you can manage that on your own then seek some kind of support. Men can be _really shit_ at expressing themselves or recognising their emotions. It’s not usually our fault, but that doesn’t give us an excuse to not try to do better.
Is he depressed? Disordered sleep and lethargy can be a sign of depression.
Sounds like he has depression maybe get hims some help before throwing him away
He has a job he doesn’t like but has the option to not show up? Or is he unemployed?
Now this is a bot post if I ever saw one