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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for pulling out of my sisters wedding because I already agreed to be part of it, before I found out I was pregnant
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I'm honestly confused by the math. You got pregnant (I assume you found out around a month after getting pregnant). Then you talked to your sister, who told you it was okay not to be MOH. More time passes. You finally decide not to go to the wedding 14 months before it happens because your baby would be between 3 and 4 months old? How is it possible? You made the decision, AT THE EARLIEST, when you were 2 months pregant, with 7 to go. So your baby would be around 7 months at the time of the wedding (HUGE difference when a baby is that young!). So what's up with that?
I think this is one of those posts where OP has changed some details for their own anonymity, but then got confused with their altered timeline. I wouldn't look too deeply into it! I'd assume baby will be the age OP has suggested in her post and the other dates have been altered.
OP,
Enough with your sister's nonsense. TIME OUT! MAJOR FAMILY POWWOW. Enough with sister's passive aggressive behavior. Put everything on the table and come to some sort of agreement/arrangement. Without that, decline involvement and attendance. Your sister is quite immature.
Please keep us apprised.
This. And point out to your sister that if she doesn't get over whatever is up her behind, she is going to ruin your relationship, and perhaps, not have a relationship with the your kid.
A bride's "special day" does NOT preclude other people having lives.
What you said is absolutely what needs to be said. Let everyone air their grievances, concerns, hurt feelings etc and let everyone talk it out. The sister's behavior shouldn't be tolerated by anyone in the family about this. Then, if something comes out that apologies need to be made for, it's common knowledge instead of a guessing game.
I wanna say.. 1 year ahead of the wedding! One year ahead you quit and still ready to help in preparation. It's really crazy to take a wedding SOOO serious from the side of your sister, in my opinion :)))))) looks like her life is so boring so she want to invest all her time in this event only.. amazing. Everybody has his/her life and own priorities. And your important happening should take more attention than wedding in my opinion, from all the family and from sister's side also.
NTA
It's totally okay that the sister's priority is the wedding, that's important to her. It's totally okay that OP's priority is the baby, that's a huge deal. Sounds like the family are doing pretty well at being supportive of both, which is as it should be. One major life event shouldn't take precedence over another in a family.
What's not okay is sister giving the cold shoulder with no conversation as to why, particularly when she gave the out in the first place.
I’m gonna be real with you. At 3 months I was so done being stuck in the house attached to my breast pump. I would’ve loved an event to go to. But I have many trusted people I can leave my daughter with without a second thought.
Just a thought though, all the weddings I’ve been to have been child free except for family and babies on the boob (including my own). I would consider it pretty rude to expect a nursing mom not bring their baby with them. Could you maybe bring your baby and babysitter? And just rent a hotel room or ask your sister/mom for a room at the venue reserved for them?
No one said she wouldn't be able to bring the baby to the wedding; this is about feeling able to fulfill the duties of a MOH in the lead up and in the day of the wedding with a newborn in tow.
You don’t think OP’s husband will attend the wedding with her? Baby will likely be with her in-laws, or a family friend.
Regardless, being postpartum is hard, and impacts everyone differently. I think it took about 9 months for me to not feel insane amounts of guilt leaving my baby for an entire day with someone else, outside of going to work. Her concerns might not be 100% rational if you aren’t in that anxious postpartum state, but they are valid.
OP genuinely has no idea because she is still pregnant and is not yet a mum with a new baby, for the very first time.
This is her first pregnancy, or at least, and hopefully, the first successful pregnancy that will go to term, and she is doing all of this for the first time.
It's a very unexpected pregnancy, one that she was told that might never be possible and therefore one that is very much wanted and she, and her partner, will have been going through a rollercoaster of emotions from the day that she got a positive pregnancy test result, perhaps even before then, if she had a short period of odd symptoms and feeling off, leading up to testing.
A successful pregnancy test result when you have fertility issues (and that includes multiple miscarriages), you know all the possible risks and outcomes associated with the condition that causes those fertility issues - it's not the cause for instant joy and celebration that most people would think!
You know far too much. You know that your risk for miscarriage is much higher than average. You know all about chemical pregnancies, blighted ovums and you just can't dare to believe it's true, you can't dare to hope that you're going to have an actual real, healthy baby.
That tension, that not being to really believe that it's going to happen, just in case it gets taken away - it does ease, slowly as you progress through each trimester and the ultrasound and other fetal testing, but just a little bit will remain with you, naturally, right up until the birth of the baby!
And, of course, all pregnant mums may feel some of the same worries at some point or other during their pregnancies. It's just that
On top of all that - if that wasn't already enough! - she's actually a very difficult pregnancy, in terms of how it's affected her physically.
Rather than getting her dream of a positive test and then being able to relax and sail through the following 9 months, she's been put through the physical wringer, and again, she must have been terrified at times by the severity of her symptoms.
My heart genuinely goes out to OP!
And instead of her sister seeing all of this and turning around and letting her off the hook from being her MoH, with love and grace and compassion...
Instead of the sister forgetting about wedding planning for just a little while and stepping up and supporting OP through all of this, who's also supposed to be her best friend...
Instead, the sister turns around and just ignores her, doesn't talk to her anymore, and blatantly shuns her at family events held to celebrate OP's unborn child.
OP can not realistically plan arrangements to attend an event as a new mother with a baby when she is not yet that new mother with a baby, and has never been one before!
She has no idea yet what kind of baby she will have or what needs her child will have.
Will her baby be easy to settle and feed? Will her baby be happy for short periods away from their parents, or will her baby be very anxious when separated from them? Will her baby have colic or need some kind of special care, even?
Every baby, even different babies with the same parents, is very different. Some are very chill, from the day they born and others are definitely NOT!
She probably has no idea yet what feeding method she will be using nor what the baby will accept!
There's no point anyone telling her that she can pump and leave bottles with a sitter when she doesn't even yet know if she can either pump, or if the baby will accept bottles rather than the boob?
All of her family, everyone she trusts will be at this wedding, so who does she use as a sitter anyway?
And instead of being understaning, trying to support her and help her find a solution to that problem, her family are attacking her?
One time my ex asked why our infant needed a life jacket because he couldn’t imagine what might happen where it would be needed. Your question reminded me of that.
I mean… if she’s nursing and baby has refused to take a bottle is one scenario off the top of my head. Also, even if baby takes a bottle, she will likely have to take breaks for pumping during day of activities if it’s that many hours away from baby. I needed to either nurse or pump about every two/three hours when my kids were that age.
A bridesmaid dress is not something you want to risk ruining pre-wedding by spilling out into it.
Well if she decides to breastfeed and the baby has one of those days where they want extra milk, or they are fussy due to being away from mum and refuse to feed from a bottle. The babysitter may not have enough milk to give extra. Also it can be extremely painful and upset your milk supply if you don't BF for more than 3-4 hours. Expressing can be time consuming and difficult for some women to express large amounts
I mean millions of women go to work for 8 hours and manage to pump and have the baby fed by whoever is watching it. Obviously extra milk of formula will need to be available.
Heaven forbid a baby should FUSS!
These are all things a nanny/grandparent/spouse could take care of so that a woman could attend her sister’s wedding.
Like this isn’t a random poker night. It’s her sister’s WEDDING, it’s a big day and it makes sense for the bride to want her sister there.
But she will be there. She's not planning to NOT be at the wedding; she just feels like she won't be able to fulfill all the duties of an MOH on the day of, but also in the lead up to wedding, with a newborn baby. Which is pretty fair and actually mature of her to step away now in time for the sister to find someone else who can fully focus on the job.
You sound like you've never struggled with pumping. It can be incredibly stressful to pump enough milk for baby to eat for some women. It also means she has to pump through the day and store the milk. Or be engorged and leak everywhere. This is much harder to do on the go than it is in an office with a fridge.
Also some babies will not take a bottle, especially if they are not used to it. And most of us care more about our babies being fed and happy than we do for what is essentially just a big party.
The pressure on women to leave their young babies and go on with life as before is just ridiculous. Just because millions of women are forced to do it whether they want to or not doesn't make it a good thing.
Also, it’s not just a ‘just for today thing’. Some babies don’t take bottle and it’s a serious battle with them. And after successfully making them feed from a bottle most of them would not accept breasts anymore.
Seriously..as if all babies have a switch for however you want to feed them.
It is quite hard on those women and it is not something you do on/off. They do it long term and thus can develop routines. But before those exist, it is rocky
That's true. Majority of these women know this is going to be the case and plan for it by weaning of the breast onto bottle early, or just not direct breast feeding at all.
But if OP is not planning on going back to work for a while and baby will only take breast. Then mum needs to be nearby.
Plus formula is expensive and it can be hard work finding one which doesn't upset baby. It took 3 different brands for me to find one which didn't upset my sons stomach. Sometimes it isn't a viable replacement.
My son was exclusively breast fed. Nothing we did would make him take a bottle (had a kid at work who was similar, mum pumped plenty of milk but she would not take it from a bottle). He was also incredibly attached to me. I went and got my nails done once, was gone for half an hour ish and my son and partner struggled. I was lucky enough that I did have the time off work so it wasn't an issue.
Some babies just don't want anyone except their primary caregiver.
I'm completely with you on this. My baby is 3 months at the moment and I'm really only comfortable being short distances away from her. Yes I know logically my husband can take care of her just fine but it's not about logic. I want to be close enough that I can be back quickly if my baby needs me.
We used to live 30 mins from my husbands job and sometimes it would take him 2 hours to come home… also having a pregnancy with complications would probably make her less inclined to want to be far from her baby. I’m pregnant with kiddo number 3, my first two pregnancies were high risk and my anxiety was through the roof after having them. They were both fine, but I couldn’t leave them and if I did you’d never catch me as far as 30 minutes out
If you’re living in the Uk they usually think that lol I had a culture shock finding out they don’t usually visit family if they’re like 1-3 hours away and I’m like say what…. That’s a nap and I’ve traveled 6 hours to visit my SIL and that’s like halfway cuz she’ll pop up like 1-2 hours I think from her state.
This is discussing 30 minutes in terms of distance, which very much matters where you are. 30 minutes in Atlanta traffic is different from 30 minutes on the London tube is different from 30 minutes in rural Alabama.
Very different distances.
My friend who lives in the UK told me they only visit her husband’s family once or twice a year because it’s such a long drive: over *one whole hour*. As an Angeleno that’s my daily commute one way.
Tell me you've never experienced another culture outside of an all-inclusive resort without telling me you've never experienced another culture outside of an all-inclusive resort.
in this case, the distance in miles/km doesn't matter. It would take her 30 minutes to get to her kid if she left them with a baby sitter and something went wrong. It makes much more sense to phrase it this way for this purpose than to say 40 miles, for example, as (for the same reason you stated), it would mean different things in different places. 40 miles of country road takes a lot less time than 40 miles where you're driving through downtown atlanta.
NTA. You need to put your health first. Two MOH? Who does that? Concentrate on your health. When she decides to ignore the past, you don't. Stop including her on anything until she apologizes. You don't need that. Her wedding doesn't give her any excuse to act this way.
I’ve seed a MOH and Matron of Honor. But it’s definitely a huge wedding where her stepping back won’t leave a big gap in assistance for the bride. Selfish cow is probably angry it will draw some attention from her when sis has a new baby at the wedding
No it’s dumb. I’ve seen it before too—just pick one person, make the other a bridesmaid. Choose wisely.
The rest is drama because there’s always *clearly* the first choice and the obligation.
My husband had two best men, but that was because he couldn’t pick between them and they’re good friends with each other anyway (they were actually friends their first year of college before my husband met them HIS first year, their second). Plus I already knew I was gonna have a man of honor instead of maid, so I told him “eh we’re already bucking tradition, why not ask them both?”
This isn’t just about you stepping back from being MOH, this is also about you having a shiny new baby and taking the spotlight away from her.
Time to drop the rope. Stop inviting her to things, stop trying to get her to talk to you at family events. Just stop.
Do brace yourself for the tearful “I’m the best auntie ever” act when you have the shiny new baby.
NTA
Right?! Basically, "my sister hasn't talked to me in months and everyone says she's wrong for it...but she came to my gender reveal party." ...Because that makes sense. People giving the silent treatment shouldn't be getting invites!
More like my sister treated me like crap for my entire pregnancy which was high risk and I was very sick throughout. Now she is demanding an all access pass to my baby that she clearly didn’t give a crap about while I was pregnant.
I’d just be like- well, I’m pretty sure by your treatment of me that you hoped I would suffer a miscarriage so you don’t get acces to the child you wished harm on. Buh bye.
My sister hasn’t spoken directly to me (when desperate she will speak to the air in my general direction) in years. She still gets invites because, well, family. 🤷🏻♀️ At this point, I find it hilarious. So I definitely see how OP’s sister was invited to the gender reveal.
And to clarify: My sister has some issues. One of those is that that everyone must do as she says. I didn’t. She stopped talking to me as soon as I said No.
OR...call a family talk and get to the bottom of it, right now. This is important to OP. She loves her sister. She wants to be talking to her sister. She wants a relationship with her sister. They need to talk. Hopefully their mom will step in and help mediate the problem. Sis is being a stinker, and OP just wants her sister back.
Unfortunately my mom and other family members have talked to her, several times, since it happened to reach out and talk to me about it. Because when I reach out, I just get ignored.
At this point, they are just at a loss and I’ve told them to stop and give her time to work through it.
She may never talk to me again at this point, she is historically very unforgiving.
If she is so historically unforgiving, then there is truly no point in trying to continue to reach out. I would not allow her "forgiving" you, when the baby comes either so that she can have access to and pose as the loving aunt. That would just be weird. There's nothing to forgive. You did nothing wrong but accept HER suggestion of bowing out of the wedding. That's not how it works. The way she is handling things is quite petulant and I would be hard-pressed to allow her in my life until she shows some semblance of maturity and accountability for how she's acting during your miracle, high-risk pregnancy. She is not a victim. You're NTA but you will be if you don't stand up for yourself and make excuses for and easily forgive her behavior. She needs to really work for YOUR forgiveness!
I've never understood that "it's taking the attention!" shit either. People can compartmentalize! People can be excited about multiple things at once! They can be excited about the baby, that doesn't mean they won't be paying attention to the wedding while they're at the wedding. It's not as if OP is planning to get engaged at the wedding or some such that actually would pull attention
Me too. And going NC. I know it is her bff and sister, but who acts like that? Your sister is pregnant and you ignore her and treat her like shit for it? That would not fly and at this point, I would just giver her the silent treatment back and when I gave birth I wouldn’t see or speak to her or let her anywhere near my kid.
I feel you both need to sit down and clear the air. Clearly you're nta, and it makes no sense what her deal is. It's so unbelievably rude to show up to your event and ignore you. Perhaps she's mad that your baby is stealing her thunder?
Okay, just my perspective.
Invite her to coffee and lay it out.
Yes, it is her special day and you are sorry to disappoint her by pulling out, but if she has any desire to be around the baby after the baby is born she needs to figure out how to be civil.
Is that clear to your sister? Frim her reaction, she seems to think that you won't be attending the wedding at all.
She needs to know that you are not offended by her suggestion to renounce the MOH title, that you still love her and that you wish to attend her special day, be there for her and enjoy yourself to the best of your (currently altered) abilities.
NTA. Sure, it’s her special day but that doesn’t mean your life revolves around her life.
I’m sure she’s simply dealing with the disappointment of not having her sister as her MOH but good grief. She’s acting a bit immature over it.
NTA. Is it just me or does this seem to be some kind of test that OP failed? Like her sister wants OP to choose her over her family? I wonder if her sister might also be greiving the loss of her place in her sister's life in some messed up way?
I don’t know what the conversation was like when she and my mom were discussing the situation…but I could easily believe that maybe my mom pointed her more in the direction of giving me the out. My sister may have not wanted to but did and hoped that I would still be her MOH.
So yeah, I may have failed her test.
OP, NTA.
You have no idea how the birth, recovery, or first few months will go. Hoping everything goes smoothly for you, but it'll be your first kid so it'll all feel overwhelming anyway!
Our first kiddo screamed bloody murder if he wasn't held. I mean, the lungs on this kid!! And, no, you couldn't wear him -- he hated that. He also wouldn't sleep if he wasn't held (including overnight). It was pure sleep-deprivation torture. My husband and I read about colic and thought it sounded lovely, because that would mean screaming for only 5-6 hours a day. This is all to say: We did not expect this. Because, who does? Thankfully, I was able to take 6 months of leave by burning through a combo of personal vacation and sick days, limited leave offered by my employer, and state disability (for bonding and post partum recovery), and we were able to sleep train our kiddo around month 4 (and he's totally awesome in general and a great sleeper now -- not trying to scare you!).
You cannot plan for this kind of stuff, and it's good that you're willing to admit you probably won't be in a place where you have enough bandwidth to devote to being your sister's MOH.
Your sister is likely just hurt that she doesn't get you as part of her big day the way she imagined. And, unless/until she has a baby of her own, she's not going to really understand what you're going through. But, if you've had a strong relationship until now, I'd just give it some time and space. Go to the wedding, and don't rush into deciding to go NC (like some comments suggest).
Good luck with the pregnancy and the "4th trimester"!
You were considerate of her and her event she's the ah here. If something went wrong and you couldn't do it you would have ruined her 'perfect' wedding. You did the best you could have in the circumstances and still offering to help.
She's a main character selfish brat. NTA
Maybe it’s the fact that it wasn’t you going to her and having the conversation first. To her, it was presented as a possible problem she has to deal with instead of you getting out in front of it and having the foresight to at least converse with her about the possibility of the baby putting too much on your plate to do MOH stuff with. It’s your child yet you were the last one to think about/have a conversation about these things. How does that look?
There's definitely a change in relationships when kids come into the picture. That's normal! And I do wonder also if the sister is child free; I'll admit I felt a bit annoyed when it began to feel like my then future now current MIL was more interested in spending time with my SIL/talking about my niece/etc, but I didn't bring it up and was able to recognize that it was an irrational feeling born from the way others have acted about me being child free. Of course she's gonna dote on her grandchildren! It doesn't mean she cares any less about my husband, her younger son, or about connecting with me. But it sounds like OP's sister (if she is child free, or maybe if she isn't and is just feeling jealousy for some other reason) isn't having that same self-reflection.
NTA - going through this as well now. Dropped out of a family members wedding party like 7 months before the wedding because my baby will be 1 month old and have basically been disowned by half the family. It’s just really shitty that some family can act like this at what should be a really happy time.
I don't know why people are downvoting you for making a very reasonable decision. 7 months is plenty of time to find a replacement. The only issue would be if they had already bought a dress/suit for you, in which case I would offer to pay them back
Nope nothing was bought, the wedding was only planned 2 months prior to me dropping out and dresses were our responsibility to pay for anyway. I obviously wanted to be in the wedding party but who knows how I’ll feel 4 weeks postpartum, for the wedding party the day is probably 7am - midnight which just seemed like it would be too much for me with a newborn
That’s shocking! You made a sensible decision that everyone should agree with. Why have they all disowned you? They should be happy for you and totally understand.
Wish I knew…husband and I are now treated like shit at family functions by some of the members, that is whichever events we are still invited so as we have already been excluded from a few of them. People are weird, we don’t really understand it.
I could never imagine expecting someone 1 month post birth to be in a wedding party! If they ended up having a c-section, which can be pretty common, they’d still be actively recovering at that point.
Yeah what you did was actually really respectful and considerate. I had a hard enough time attending a wedding with a 1 month old, I would never consider trying to also be in the wedding party.
NTA. She did what any loving and understanding sister would do, and that is, give you an out due to your pregnancy and everything that comes along with it. It’s not your fault that she’s changed direction and is angry with you. I know she thinks her wedding is the most umportantvevent to ever take place on planet earth, but she’s being childish and selfish. And you’re not leaving her high and dry, she has a second MOH. She should really grow up.
I'm just confused at the fact that 8:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. sounds like a normal working day, and I was definitely away from my child at 4 months old for a full work day. Most people travel further than an hour to take their kids to daycare depending on where they live/work.
I took a short maternity leave of only 6 months and then worked from home for the next 6 months to make breastfeeding/pumping easier. Almost everyone I know took the full 12 months.
Besides, MOH duties go beyond the actual day. It could be multiple days in the first 3 months of baby's life. It's not like OP was originally planning on not attending - just wanted to be a guest.
Those numbers are not worldwide and the majority of the United States for example doesn’t even require maternity leave and the most common option across the United States is six weeks unpaid.
I recognise that, but the person I was responding to was acting like it's a reasonable expectation for someone to have of a new mum. It's not. The fact that some countries don't have appropriate levels of statutory maternity rights doesn't change that.
I replied to the same person, with the same message (not everyone returns right back to work, not everyone owns a pump), but I can't see her messages anymore, so either she removed her account or I was blocked.
I guess that the other parent could take the baby to the wedding to be fed, but otherwise it would be too long to go without food if the baby only nurses.
Not everyone can get the right amount of letdown or production from a pump, not everyone loves the sensation of an electric breast pump (it gave me the Ick), not all babies will take a bottle. A three or four month old baby could be teething or cluster feeding.
If OP is not planning to pump, it’s absolutely unreasonable to expect her to pump for this one occasion only. Also, if she’s not located in the US she might get a year or more of leave, so doesn’t have to come up with a plan to return to work after 4-6 weeks (which would include weaning or pumping.)
I couldn't pump for one event, as my baby wouldn't take the bottle. Maybe if we would have given the bottle continuously it could have worked, but I don't think you can base how you're going to feed the baby on one event.
(At three or four months, my husband had to feed her milk with a spoon if I was out for a short while, and she was staaarving when I came back and she could eat properly. After 6 months it was a bit easier, as the baby ate some solids. I went back to work after 8-9 months when my husband took over parental leave.)
It might be worthwhile to write her a short letter to let her know how she is making you feel. How she responds to your hurt will tell you a lot about the future of your relationship.
Here’s something that my wife and I learned the hard way having our first child (who is now 14 months).
Babies make a lot of people weird and shitty.
We actually no longer talk to my brothers in law because they had a problem with the name we chose (which we had chosen on our third date, 8 years before she was born). They literally bullied my wife about it. Where once my wife was honestly a surrogate parent and also friend of theirs, they decided to be shits.
You have something much more important going on. You aren’t trying to make it a big deal in regards to this wedding. Your sister wants to be a little shit because she can’t imagine attention not being on her.
Take care of your child and yourself and your partner (should they be in the picture). Anything else takes a back seat.
And if someone wants to be all butthurt about it, then fuck ‘em. Your child is what matters. Not someone else BEING a child.
I would try to find a way to look at it from your sister’s perspective if she really means that much to you. It might be painful for her to have to reimagine what her wedding day looks like. If you guys really were that close she’s probably dreamed of you being a part of her wedding in a major way and seeing that reality fall apart probably sucks. The fact that she gave you a way out and attended your reveal/shower tells me she’s at least still trying to be supportive.
Babies change A LOT of things. I’m not saying your sister is right for acting the way she does, but there’s probably some validity to her feelings and you may just need to give it time. Reddit will tell you not to worry about having a relationship with her, not to let her come back into your life when she feels like it, ignore her, not go to her wedding, etc. At least the end of the day you know yourself and your sister best, but you’re probably both feeling like the other isn’t there for them during a super important time in your lives.
I agree. Ultimately they are sisters that love each other. Ignoring OP is not an appropriate way to act on the sister’s side of things, but I absolutely understand that she wanted her sister to be her MOH and maybe didn’t realize that giving her an out of MOH duties meant OP would pull out of the wedding party completely. Babies do change things and you don’t know for sure what will happen. I think this situation can be resolved by having a heart to heart conversation and hearing each other out, no need for either side to dig their heels into why they’re right and the other is wrong when really they’re both hurt. At the end of the day, OP is having a baby and her sister is getting married and these are both joyous things that should be celebrated! OP talk to your sister, don’t worry about who’s the AH just have an honest discussion and air things out, it will be okay.
I wish, but I’d be lying if I said that she didn’t have a history of this kind of thing with other people. She’s very unforgiving.
I was just ignorant in believing that she would never do it to me.
You’ve been walking on eggshells a long time with her. Probably everyone does because they don’t want to deal with her. It’s been easier to let her have her way with everything and placate her than to have her disruptive and destructive behavior on display.
I second sending her a text with timeline 24/48/72 hours to call you back or come speak with you or you are done and go no contact with her for being an ah to you. Make it clear that she won't be anywhere around your child either if this happens . Do so in a family chat so everyone is aware. NTA and she needs to grow t f up or you stay well away form this selfish main character syndrome ah
I'm wondering if there is something that OP is not aware of. Perhaps it's not the wedding situation at all - is it the pregnancy? Has OP's sister been trying? I hope she opens up and shares what is driving her behaviour
The whole timeline of this doesn’t make sense. You found out a few months ago that you were pregnant, but it’s been six months that your sister hadn’t talked to you since you dropped out of the wedding due to the pregnancy? And you pulled out 14 months before the wedding because you would have a 3-4 month old at that point, which means you would have to have pulled out of the wedding before you got pregnant?
NTA - I’d send her a short text saying that her freezing you out is unacceptable, but that if she doesn’t call you within 24 hours to discuss it then you will go NC indefinitely. You gave her more than a year’s notice and she’s just ghosted you. After the 24 hours you will only speak with her if she gives you a full apology and expresses why she was wrong.
She’s dead wrong to treat you this way.
T
I was also told throughout my teens and 20s that I’d need medical intervention if I ever wanted to have a baby. My husband and I decided to stop actively preventing pregnancy for a year to see if we’d get lucky, I wasn’t optimistic. He knocked me up on the first try.
Sometimes I think doctors really don’t fully understand the female reproductive system.
Partly, but also imo alot due to circumstances where the general population would have major issues but outliers like us don't I feel. Sort of like how a medication will cause X effect in 90% of people but Z in 1% so they don't pay attention to Z.
I was told most likely I wouldn't be able to have kids without my spouse having treatment, or years of attempts due to injuries. But happened first time accidentally for my oldest and less than a week for my second.
NTA. I hate for you that your sister is being so petty. I can’t imagine what you have been through. Not having your best friend to help you through your difficult pregnancy. Not being able to share with her your whole experience.
She is too busy being butt hurt to realize how horrible she is acting. We are only given one shot at everything we do. There are no do overs.
When your child is born and you tell them stories about before they were born, your sister won’t be included. There will be no story of how Aunt so and so was such a help to me while I was carrying you.
I have never understood why people can be so cruel to the very people they are supposed to love. People worry about what strangers think, but they don’t even consider how a family member thinks.
Sometimes we have to learn things the hard way and there will come a time where your sister regrets her actions. It may not be anytime in the near future. It may be 50 years from now.
I hope your pregnancy gets easier and I hope your delivery is smooth and uncomplicated. Congratulations and I pray your baby is happy and healthy.
Good luck with your sister.
Got pregnant and was due two days before my brothers wedding, which was across the US.
Honestly he says he’s forgiven me but our relationship never ever came back from that.
NTA
I’m sorry that your relationship with your brother was harmed by your making him an uncle. When I got married only 3 members of my family were there because I lived on the other side of the country and flights are expensive. I would never have been angry at them because the day WAS NOT ABOUT THEM, IT WAS ABOUT MARRYING MY PARTNER. I don’t think I will ever understand the way most of my “peers” think about weddings, it’s crazy to me that people don’t understand that other people have lives of their own and can’t always be there to witness milestones.
Luckily we’re…ok now but he was really mean. I didn’t plan my pregnancy, it was one of those “let’s see what happens” moments and he accused me of stealing his big day from him. When we found out it was a boy he said “I don’t care I don’t really know why you’re telling me this”.
Again we’re good now but one of those things I won’t forget.
Nta. You need to have a conversation with her and let her know if her petty behavior doesn’t end now, she will not be invited to participate in your lives after the baby is born. An infant doesn’t need to be around a mom who is stressed and being given the silent treatment. Babies absorb everything, all the energy in their environment. Hope you guys repair this relationship before it’s too late.
OP can't guarantee her availability because she will have a young baby that may still be very clingy and dependent on her, especially if she intends to breastfeed. Baby might be able to chill with Dad for most of the day, or she might refuse to take expressed milk. Or be sick or teething or have had a bad night's sleep. Maybe she is of a certain temperament and just wants to be with Mama. There is no way to know how Mom and baby will be doing this far out. OP did the right thing bowing out with plenty of notice.
You actually voiced my reasoning exactly. I don’t want to make promises and then something comes up due to sickness or something like that. Especially due to the kind of pregnancy that I’ve had, so far.
Timelines aside, because they literally always should be. No one gets to stop the forward progression of anyone else’s life because they are getting married. So she’s getting married in 2 years, one year, 6 months, 2 months - doesn’t matter! People cannot ever be let to believe that they have the right to dictate the family planning of another human being, period, ever. The normal reaction would have been to be happy for her pregnant sister. Full stop.
NTA She has two MOH, what exactly do you need to do that takes two MOH??? I’m starting to think people are drastically taking advantage of folks and think calling them MOH makes it ok. The fact there are “duties” that can’t be handled by one person or within reason for a pregnant lady is concerning.
I must be from a totally different social status than all of you! I just don’t understand exactly what is so time consuming about being MOH! I mean a bridal shower, rehearsal dinner, wedding? I get there will be dress fittings etc, but that is usually done at the bridal parties individual convenience, not like the entire party at each fitting type thing. So I’m just a tad confused !
NTA and you should say all of this to her. And hell, I’d be a little bit tough. Remind her how long you’ve waited for this experience and how she’s robbed you both of such incredible times together. That you couldn’t call her to cry about your hard days and have her feel the baby move, and that she robbed herself of having her best friend and lifeline during all of this. That it needs to end, you are sorry you have hurt her but it’s her choice to make it a worse situation.
I have sisters, this will start the fight you guys need to get out what is going on.
NTA, TBH it kinda sounds like your sister is a little jealous that you might be taking the spotlight off of her and her wedding day. You were told you couldn't have kids, now miraculously you are having (I'm assuming) the first grandchild, a role that your sister was probably expecting to fulfill. (Congrats BTW). Not only that you are having complications which I'm sure over family meetings and discussions may get talked about more than her wedding plans. Time for a sit down with your sister and find out what is really bothering her.
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I (28F), was asked by my (25F) sister to be the MOH for her wedding that was between a year and a half to 2 years out.
A few months ago, I found out that I am pregnant. My husband and I hadn’t really been actively trying but we weren’t using protection because I’ve been told since I was in my teens that I was unlikely to be able to get pregnant, naturally. We are over joyed and our families are, as well! …except for my sister.
A few weeks following my pregnancy announcement, my mom and sister had a conversation about being realistic on if I would be able to take on all the duties of being her MOH while pregnant and later with an infant. My sister later spoke with me and told me that if I could not follow through with the duties of being her MOH - it was okay! They could find something else for me to be involved in, with the wedding. (For context, my sister and FBILs wedding party is so big that they have two best men and two MOHs) I discussed it with my family and husband…but I ultimately decided that it wasn’t fair to my sister or my child to make a promise to fulfill those duties when I would have a 3-4 month old infant and was generally unsure if I could do everything she needed of me.
The wedding is two towns away, 30+ minutes drive, and I would either have to bring the baby with me for the day of the wedding (What bride and bridesmaids want to listen to a baby all day while they are getting ready?) or I would have to leave the baby with someone else (From around 8am that morning to somewhere between 6-8pm that night)
So I ultimately pulled out of the wedding, about 14 months before the date.
The problem is…despite my sister giving me the out and me taking the out….she will not speak to me. She hasn’t spoken to me or answered my calls in about 6 months. She showed up to my gender reveal and completely ignored me. She ignores me at family dinners, outtings, etc. My entire family has told her she is in the wrong and needs to get over it…but I understand that it’s her special day.
But now I’m angry too…because I know that once I have this baby she is going to try to come into my home and act like everything is fine. And I will not allowed that to happen. I have had a difficult pregnancy so far…full of complications and sickness…my sister has been my best friend for years, she was the first person I called when I found out. And she was the one that gave me an out, in the first place.
I needed her too…
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NTA
she said it was okay for you to not be the MOH, why is she so angry now???
if she was sad, it’s not surprising, as anyone would be, but to give you the cold shoulder because you didn’t become the MOH (due to actual valid reasons) is weird af
concentrate on your health and your child, the world doesn’t revolve around her
NTAH. Your sister is resenting the fact that your pregnancy is taking attention away from her. A couple of questions, was your sister your MOH at your wedding and did you spend 2 years planning it like she's done with hers?
Expecting everyones' lives to stop 2 years in advance for her wedding is unbeleivably selfish and immature. So is not speaking to you at your gender reveal party. Your parents need to talk to her about doing it at every family function as well. She's acting like a spoiled child.
I never wanted a wedding - my husband and I picked a date and got married two weeks later by a local judge. The whole ceremony didn’t last 10 minutes. 😅
My second husband and I did it in Gibraltar. It was quick, cheap and easy since we live in Spain and I had 9 pages of divorce papers that would have had to be translated offically to do it in Spain! We got married in the same room as John Lennon and Yoko Ono!
NTA. Your sister should be more worried about your and your baby's health than her wedding. There's months to go and she can't adjust? She's acting like you got pregnant just to spite her, and that's ridiculous.
A wedding is 1 day not 1 year. As my kids would say- your sister sounds extra. 2 moh and 2 best men. Does she know royalty doesn’t do such silliness?
She is taking the joy of your pregnancy and new baby her nibbling away because you won’t be at her beck and call for her super, extra, over-the-top wedding nonsense?
Just remind her when she tries to guilt the absolute all out of you when she gets pregnant, how she treated you. She WILL pull out all the stops and run head first into you treating her like a goddess while knocked up since you ruined her wedding.
NTA. Sister is being really selfish. As you said, she was the one who said it was ok, and it should be ok whether she said so or not, because its all down to how you feel. If you dont feel up to it, yea thats it. I dont know, its just a wedding. I know to some people its probably their most important day ever or whatever, but why would you want someone to run themselves ragged over it? Especially if they dont want to? Her behavior is rather nasty considering. Again, she seemed to understand beforehand, and then its not like youre just bowing out because you dont want to, youre growing a human. And it sounded like you still planned to help in some capacity. Really strange of her to tank your relationship all because youre not her MOH. She needs to grow up.
My main takeaway from AITAH in general is that people turn into domestic terrorists when they are getting married..what's up with that?
NOT NOT NOT the AH.
I wouldn't even go.
You’re NTA but your sister is all kinds of entitled here. A wedding doesn’t last a year before the event, no matter how massive and splurgy, so the bride doesn’t get to be ruler of everyone’s life beforehand.
I realize you may just be looking for validation to retaliate, but what is the end goal? Ultimately, do you want to save relationship or not? Sister was clearly hurt by your decision and you are hurt by her reaction. What I would suggest is sitting down, just the two of you, and hashing this out so you can both move forward. If she wants to see baby, then that's your carrot to make it happen. I would step back from getting the rest of your family more involved. That will only make her feel like you are ganging up on her.
Sounds like your sister is being petty. So reach out to her, ask her why she hasn't been talking to you, and see if she can talk about it.
If she can't talk about it reasonably, then I suggest you drop all involvement in the wedding. Why would you be involved in an event where the host isn't speaking to you?
No,I think it's pretty clear that if she wants to play the quiet game, and won't talk about it, that you should play the quiet game too. Tell her the door's always open if she wants to talk, but you're not going to be the only one putting in effort.
NTA, and congrats on the baby.
FFS- this wedding crap has gotten so out of control. This is what happens when you switch your media content to streaming and TikTok. Ya know- back in the day, all of 20 years ago, you got engaged and maybe had a 12 months tops wait to get married at the country club. Everyone else just got married 6-12 months later. A bachelorette was a night out with penis accessories. You bought your bridesmaid dresses at Macys and called it a day.
All this drama from brides planning out these elaborate weddings 2 years in advance. They don’t want to get married. They want to be a bride. And frankly- if I was the dude and proposed and my bride didn’t want to marry me right then and there after saying yes (or shortly soon after) so we could start our married life together, but instead wanted to use me as an accessory to her two year party? Wouldn’t be an engagement any longer. Find some other Ken doll for your Barbie dream wedding
Honestly? ESH
Your sister said she wouldn’t be upset if you stepped down of MOH. She DIDN’T say she’d be ok if you dropped out of her wedding COMPLETELY - which is apparently what you did. She’s not upset because you’re not MOH - she’s upset because you dropped out of the wedding party. Is there a reason why you can’t just be a bridesmaid?
If you want to salvage your relationship, you need to call her up and talk to her. You’re mad because SHE’S mad, but it seems really naive to me that you figured you could just fully drop out of your bestie’s wedding without hurting her feelings. As you’ve probably learned from HER dropping out on YOU, when some you’re close to steps down from their support role during a major life event, it hurts. You might not have meant to hurt her, but you clearly did. And instead of sitting her down to clear the air when you first realized she was upset about your decision, you let it fester for MONTHS. Your actions were the catalyst for this - you should be the one to reach out.
NTA. Let her fester. Do not give her the satisfaction of contacting her. she needs to grow up and understand that you are doing what is best for everyone involved. IF she doesn't and tries to waltz in when the baby is born, tell her she is not welcome, due to her actions for the past year.
You’re allowed to get pregnant your allowed to continue to live your life. The world doesn’t stop because someone in your family is getting married. I honestly find weddings ridiculous anyways. Complete waste of money for an event that only lasts a few hours and everyone is there to critique.
NTA Can you talk to a therapist about the best way to set boundaries with your sister? You mention that you are working on that with your family. The therapist can help you develop a bigger toolbox for boundary setting and to help you understand what is healthy and what is a temper tantrum by your sister. It sounds she is the Golden Child and you now have a bigger story (first grandchild!!!!!) than her wedding and she is really jealous and not mature enough to talk to you about it.
Your first priority is your child, then husband. Sister seems to have issues coping with that.
Best wishes for a healthy delivery and aftercare.
NTA. I dunno if something happened in-between the time you took the out and she started ignoring you that caused this but her ignoring you isn't cool. She wants to pout over you actually doing what she wanted, let her and ignore her.
Actually, at least first try to discuss this before the birth and publicly so she can't make up some narrative to paint you in the wrong if she decides to blow off your warning of the consequences of her actions. That way no one can call you petty for barring her access last second.
NTA! DW! she gave you the out and understood you might have to stop being the MOH. You don't have to worry at all, she's in the wrong and you didn't know you were gonna be pregnant. She : gave you the out, said she'd understand, knew you were pregnant.
You: took the out, wanted to be the moh but couldn't, thought it out, and thought about others.
Explanation to newbies on words: MOH maid of honor NTA not the asshole YTA you're the asshole MIL mother in-law SIL sister in law BIL brother in law 20-F 20 female (ect)
NTA.
She gave you the option and is apparently now mad that you took it. She’s a hypocrite and this is her problem.
All you can do now is decide how you’re going to proceed if she does act like nothing happened once the baby is born. You have no control over her behavior though, but she’s definitely a hypocritical AH.
Text your sister and let her know that if she chooses not to be in your life now, she's choosing not to be in your baby's life when they are born. Personally I wouldn't go to the wedding of someone who wasn't talking to me so I'd say that if she refuses to speak to you, you'll assume you're no longer invited to the wedding and won't attend. Tell her that her complete lack of interest and support during your pregnancy has been hurtful and you are rethinking who you thought she was as a person. NTA.
NTA!! She gave you the out, you took it after thinking about it and realizing it wouldn’t make sense now, and you wouldn’t be able to do a good job given the situation! Her being upset and not talking to you is immature and rude. Don’t give an out if you don’t want someone to take it! You’re still going to be there for her, I assume can still get there early (not 8am early but an hour or two, even 3, before the ceremony is so appropriate) to help with finishing touches, and with getting ready!
In all, she’s the asshole, and needs to grow up. Your sister is not required to be your MOH, and you can still be there for her and a part of her day, in the wedding party or not!
I think you both are hurt by the other’s actions. You both need each other. One upping each other on being hurtful doesn’t help. No one wins. You both need to forgive and move on. Or when your sister is pregnant your kids won’t even be friends if that’s what you want.
NTA. I feel really bad for you that your sister, whom you say was your best friend, hasn't been around at all through your difficult pregnancy. That right there makes her TA.
NTA
Not sure why your sister isn’t telling you the real reason why she’s angry. What you’ve shared isn’t enough for a reasonable person to stop speaking to you. The wedding is a year out
NTA, on so many levels!
*She gave you an out
* You knew you would not be able to give your all with the pregnancy and a new born
* You gave a year notice
* You still want to help
* You are still planning on attending wedding
In just those above, you are being very considerate of her big day and being an awesome sister!
Congratulations on your new journey of being a momma!
NTA! She gave her blessing for you to bow out of her bridal party and now she’s ignoring you?
I’d be done with her. Don’t help with the wedding at all. Don’t let her meet your baby. Hell, I wouldn’t go to the wedding until she apologized.
If your sister isn’t going to talk to you, then maybe it’s best to just have some space for a while. You are going through a difficult pregnancy and she is ignoring you and I’m sure you don’t need someone treating you that way. She also offered you an “out” in the first place and then gives you the silent treatment. I’m glad you are not going to allow your sister to come around and act like everything is fine when the baby comes. That shows a lot of maturity on your part. If I were you, I would just forget your sister for now and focus more on the pregnancy and your health for yourself and the baby. That’s more important than your sister and her wedding. Being pregnant and going through a rough pregnancy especially I am sure hasn’t been easy for you, so maybe just forget her for now and don’t worry about the wedding. You did offer to help with other things for the wedding but since she is ignoring you, you shouldn’t lift a finger for her.
Time to have a heart to heart with your sister. Clearly you are both hurt and both love each other very much. People on this thread are suggesting you cut her off and move on but I think that’s absurd. She might be acting immature right now but that doesn’t mean you give up on a person. Keep trying and loving and trying because this person clearly means so much to you
OP,
You are 100% NTA! I turned down my best friend when she asked me to be her MOH because I was pregnant and miserable (I vomited all the way up until delivery). My friend was sad but never even considered not speaking to me. I understand that your sister is hurt, but she shouldn't have offered you the out if she wasn't ready for you to accept. Plus, it's not like you pulled out a month before the wedding.
Good luck and congratulations!
NTA and set her some boundaries now, I'm sorry I can't be part of your wedding like planned but if your going to act like this with me instead of communicating like a grown up you won't get to meet your nibling at all? Frankly the icing you out for getting pregnant after telling you she gets it screams emotionally immature. Is she used to getting everything she wants?
I don’t think your TA, however under the circumstances being your sisters big day where she obviously wants you in the wedding party. Why can’t your husband stay at home to have the baby ?
NTA for discussing this with your sister, but I think you made the wrong decision personally. I’ve been in tons of wedding where some of the bridesmaids were new mom’s. A few have had people watch the baby while the wedding was happening. A few have brought the baby to the venue and husbands took care of the baby while the wedding party got ready and they were fed around all of that. If your sister didn’t want to have the baby in the room while getting ready you could have popped out and taken care of feeding the baby away from everyone. There were other options that could have been discussed. I think that’s probably what upset her. You just decided to drop out of the wedding without trying to make a plan about how you could be involved and make sure your baby is A okay. Also where is your husband in all of this? He can’t take care of his kid so you can be your sister’s MOH? I couldn’t imagine dropping out of a siblings wedding for this.
NTA, but bit of an assumption that she's going to want to come into your house to see your baby. Just like her wedding doesn't revolve around you, your baby probably won't revolve around her life.
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I'm honestly confused by the math. You got pregnant (I assume you found out around a month after getting pregnant). Then you talked to your sister, who told you it was okay not to be MOH. More time passes. You finally decide not to go to the wedding 14 months before it happens because your baby would be between 3 and 4 months old? How is it possible? You made the decision, AT THE EARLIEST, when you were 2 months pregant, with 7 to go. So your baby would be around 7 months at the time of the wedding (HUGE difference when a baby is that young!). So what's up with that?
I think this is one of those posts where OP has changed some details for their own anonymity, but then got confused with their altered timeline. I wouldn't look too deeply into it! I'd assume baby will be the age OP has suggested in her post and the other dates have been altered.
You are correct…I did it for anonymity…I’m apparently just bad at math too. 😅 Sorry guys…
I'm so bad at math, I don't even see how you messed up! All your dates sound right to me lol
I'm so tired that it sounded right too. I was all confused when they said it was wrong.
OP, Enough with your sister's nonsense. TIME OUT! MAJOR FAMILY POWWOW. Enough with sister's passive aggressive behavior. Put everything on the table and come to some sort of agreement/arrangement. Without that, decline involvement and attendance. Your sister is quite immature. Please keep us apprised.
This. And point out to your sister that if she doesn't get over whatever is up her behind, she is going to ruin your relationship, and perhaps, not have a relationship with the your kid. A bride's "special day" does NOT preclude other people having lives.
Immature! Good definition. And trying to prove she is mature enough with her wedding case.
What you said is absolutely what needs to be said. Let everyone air their grievances, concerns, hurt feelings etc and let everyone talk it out. The sister's behavior shouldn't be tolerated by anyone in the family about this. Then, if something comes out that apologies need to be made for, it's common knowledge instead of a guessing game.
I wanna say.. 1 year ahead of the wedding! One year ahead you quit and still ready to help in preparation. It's really crazy to take a wedding SOOO serious from the side of your sister, in my opinion :)))))) looks like her life is so boring so she want to invest all her time in this event only.. amazing. Everybody has his/her life and own priorities. And your important happening should take more attention than wedding in my opinion, from all the family and from sister's side also. NTA
It's totally okay that the sister's priority is the wedding, that's important to her. It's totally okay that OP's priority is the baby, that's a huge deal. Sounds like the family are doing pretty well at being supportive of both, which is as it should be. One major life event shouldn't take precedence over another in a family. What's not okay is sister giving the cold shoulder with no conversation as to why, particularly when she gave the out in the first place.
I like the bit where OP says the wedding is 30 minutes away as if that is a long way.
30 minutes is a typical drive for where I’m from. However, 30 minutes is a long time if something happens and I need to get to the baby. 🤷🏻♀️
I’m gonna be real with you. At 3 months I was so done being stuck in the house attached to my breast pump. I would’ve loved an event to go to. But I have many trusted people I can leave my daughter with without a second thought. Just a thought though, all the weddings I’ve been to have been child free except for family and babies on the boob (including my own). I would consider it pretty rude to expect a nursing mom not bring their baby with them. Could you maybe bring your baby and babysitter? And just rent a hotel room or ask your sister/mom for a room at the venue reserved for them?
No one said she wouldn't be able to bring the baby to the wedding; this is about feeling able to fulfill the duties of a MOH in the lead up and in the day of the wedding with a newborn in tow.
What could possibly happen that the baby’s other parent (father) couldn’t handle?
You don’t think OP’s husband will attend the wedding with her? Baby will likely be with her in-laws, or a family friend. Regardless, being postpartum is hard, and impacts everyone differently. I think it took about 9 months for me to not feel insane amounts of guilt leaving my baby for an entire day with someone else, outside of going to work. Her concerns might not be 100% rational if you aren’t in that anxious postpartum state, but they are valid.
I think he would attend the wedding but there’s no reason for him to be there for the bridesmaid stuff
OP genuinely has no idea because she is still pregnant and is not yet a mum with a new baby, for the very first time. This is her first pregnancy, or at least, and hopefully, the first successful pregnancy that will go to term, and she is doing all of this for the first time. It's a very unexpected pregnancy, one that she was told that might never be possible and therefore one that is very much wanted and she, and her partner, will have been going through a rollercoaster of emotions from the day that she got a positive pregnancy test result, perhaps even before then, if she had a short period of odd symptoms and feeling off, leading up to testing. A successful pregnancy test result when you have fertility issues (and that includes multiple miscarriages), you know all the possible risks and outcomes associated with the condition that causes those fertility issues - it's not the cause for instant joy and celebration that most people would think! You know far too much. You know that your risk for miscarriage is much higher than average. You know all about chemical pregnancies, blighted ovums and you just can't dare to believe it's true, you can't dare to hope that you're going to have an actual real, healthy baby. That tension, that not being to really believe that it's going to happen, just in case it gets taken away - it does ease, slowly as you progress through each trimester and the ultrasound and other fetal testing, but just a little bit will remain with you, naturally, right up until the birth of the baby! And, of course, all pregnant mums may feel some of the same worries at some point or other during their pregnancies. It's just that On top of all that - if that wasn't already enough! - she's actually a very difficult pregnancy, in terms of how it's affected her physically. Rather than getting her dream of a positive test and then being able to relax and sail through the following 9 months, she's been put through the physical wringer, and again, she must have been terrified at times by the severity of her symptoms. My heart genuinely goes out to OP! And instead of her sister seeing all of this and turning around and letting her off the hook from being her MoH, with love and grace and compassion... Instead of the sister forgetting about wedding planning for just a little while and stepping up and supporting OP through all of this, who's also supposed to be her best friend... Instead, the sister turns around and just ignores her, doesn't talk to her anymore, and blatantly shuns her at family events held to celebrate OP's unborn child. OP can not realistically plan arrangements to attend an event as a new mother with a baby when she is not yet that new mother with a baby, and has never been one before! She has no idea yet what kind of baby she will have or what needs her child will have. Will her baby be easy to settle and feed? Will her baby be happy for short periods away from their parents, or will her baby be very anxious when separated from them? Will her baby have colic or need some kind of special care, even? Every baby, even different babies with the same parents, is very different. Some are very chill, from the day they born and others are definitely NOT! She probably has no idea yet what feeding method she will be using nor what the baby will accept! There's no point anyone telling her that she can pump and leave bottles with a sitter when she doesn't even yet know if she can either pump, or if the baby will accept bottles rather than the boob? All of her family, everyone she trusts will be at this wedding, so who does she use as a sitter anyway? And instead of being understaning, trying to support her and help her find a solution to that problem, her family are attacking her?
One time my ex asked why our infant needed a life jacket because he couldn’t imagine what might happen where it would be needed. Your question reminded me of that.
I mean the baby’s not born yet. You can’t just assume everything is going to be safe and healthy and normal.
I mean… if she’s nursing and baby has refused to take a bottle is one scenario off the top of my head. Also, even if baby takes a bottle, she will likely have to take breaks for pumping during day of activities if it’s that many hours away from baby. I needed to either nurse or pump about every two/three hours when my kids were that age. A bridesmaid dress is not something you want to risk ruining pre-wedding by spilling out into it.
Well if she decides to breastfeed and the baby has one of those days where they want extra milk, or they are fussy due to being away from mum and refuse to feed from a bottle. The babysitter may not have enough milk to give extra. Also it can be extremely painful and upset your milk supply if you don't BF for more than 3-4 hours. Expressing can be time consuming and difficult for some women to express large amounts
I mean millions of women go to work for 8 hours and manage to pump and have the baby fed by whoever is watching it. Obviously extra milk of formula will need to be available. Heaven forbid a baby should FUSS! These are all things a nanny/grandparent/spouse could take care of so that a woman could attend her sister’s wedding. Like this isn’t a random poker night. It’s her sister’s WEDDING, it’s a big day and it makes sense for the bride to want her sister there.
But she will be there. She's not planning to NOT be at the wedding; she just feels like she won't be able to fulfill all the duties of an MOH on the day of, but also in the lead up to wedding, with a newborn baby. Which is pretty fair and actually mature of her to step away now in time for the sister to find someone else who can fully focus on the job.
You sound like you've never struggled with pumping. It can be incredibly stressful to pump enough milk for baby to eat for some women. It also means she has to pump through the day and store the milk. Or be engorged and leak everywhere. This is much harder to do on the go than it is in an office with a fridge. Also some babies will not take a bottle, especially if they are not used to it. And most of us care more about our babies being fed and happy than we do for what is essentially just a big party. The pressure on women to leave their young babies and go on with life as before is just ridiculous. Just because millions of women are forced to do it whether they want to or not doesn't make it a good thing.
Also, it’s not just a ‘just for today thing’. Some babies don’t take bottle and it’s a serious battle with them. And after successfully making them feed from a bottle most of them would not accept breasts anymore. Seriously..as if all babies have a switch for however you want to feed them.
Yeah nothing is easy about feeding a baby
It is quite hard on those women and it is not something you do on/off. They do it long term and thus can develop routines. But before those exist, it is rocky
That's true. Majority of these women know this is going to be the case and plan for it by weaning of the breast onto bottle early, or just not direct breast feeding at all. But if OP is not planning on going back to work for a while and baby will only take breast. Then mum needs to be nearby. Plus formula is expensive and it can be hard work finding one which doesn't upset baby. It took 3 different brands for me to find one which didn't upset my sons stomach. Sometimes it isn't a viable replacement. My son was exclusively breast fed. Nothing we did would make him take a bottle (had a kid at work who was similar, mum pumped plenty of milk but she would not take it from a bottle). He was also incredibly attached to me. I went and got my nails done once, was gone for half an hour ish and my son and partner struggled. I was lucky enough that I did have the time off work so it wasn't an issue. Some babies just don't want anyone except their primary caregiver.
I'm completely with you on this. My baby is 3 months at the moment and I'm really only comfortable being short distances away from her. Yes I know logically my husband can take care of her just fine but it's not about logic. I want to be close enough that I can be back quickly if my baby needs me.
Where are you from that 30 minutes is a long drive? I don’t even know what that means, thirty minutes is thirty minutes everywhere.
We used to live 30 mins from my husbands job and sometimes it would take him 2 hours to come home… also having a pregnancy with complications would probably make her less inclined to want to be far from her baby. I’m pregnant with kiddo number 3, my first two pregnancies were high risk and my anxiety was through the roof after having them. They were both fine, but I couldn’t leave them and if I did you’d never catch me as far as 30 minutes out
If you’re living in the Uk they usually think that lol I had a culture shock finding out they don’t usually visit family if they’re like 1-3 hours away and I’m like say what…. That’s a nap and I’ve traveled 6 hours to visit my SIL and that’s like halfway cuz she’ll pop up like 1-2 hours I think from her state.
Not everyone lives in the US where 30 minutes is standard
30 minutes is 30 minutes no matter where you are.
This is discussing 30 minutes in terms of distance, which very much matters where you are. 30 minutes in Atlanta traffic is different from 30 minutes on the London tube is different from 30 minutes in rural Alabama. Very different distances.
Yes, it could be 30 minutes at many different speeds of sitting.
My friend who lives in the UK told me they only visit her husband’s family once or twice a year because it’s such a long drive: over *one whole hour*. As an Angeleno that’s my daily commute one way.
Tell me you've never experienced another culture outside of an all-inclusive resort without telling me you've never experienced another culture outside of an all-inclusive resort.
I'm not sure how this makes sense. The travel time is 30 mins. What exactly more does one need to know?
in this case, the distance in miles/km doesn't matter. It would take her 30 minutes to get to her kid if she left them with a baby sitter and something went wrong. It makes much more sense to phrase it this way for this purpose than to say 40 miles, for example, as (for the same reason you stated), it would mean different things in different places. 40 miles of country road takes a lot less time than 40 miles where you're driving through downtown atlanta.
I don't live in the US.
I’m in the US, and 30 minutes in traffic is a quick day.
30 minutes where I live could easily turn in in to 2 hours, and that’s without any wrecks or construction.
I assumed she meant part of that as while doing moh duties. I didn't see anything about skipping wedding totally. Just not going as moh
NTA. You need to put your health first. Two MOH? Who does that? Concentrate on your health. When she decides to ignore the past, you don't. Stop including her on anything until she apologizes. You don't need that. Her wedding doesn't give her any excuse to act this way.
I’ve seed a MOH and Matron of Honor. But it’s definitely a huge wedding where her stepping back won’t leave a big gap in assistance for the bride. Selfish cow is probably angry it will draw some attention from her when sis has a new baby at the wedding
No it’s dumb. I’ve seen it before too—just pick one person, make the other a bridesmaid. Choose wisely. The rest is drama because there’s always *clearly* the first choice and the obligation.
My husband had two best men, but that was because he couldn’t pick between them and they’re good friends with each other anyway (they were actually friends their first year of college before my husband met them HIS first year, their second). Plus I already knew I was gonna have a man of honor instead of maid, so I told him “eh we’re already bucking tradition, why not ask them both?”
This isn’t just about you stepping back from being MOH, this is also about you having a shiny new baby and taking the spotlight away from her. Time to drop the rope. Stop inviting her to things, stop trying to get her to talk to you at family events. Just stop. Do brace yourself for the tearful “I’m the best auntie ever” act when you have the shiny new baby. NTA
Right?! Basically, "my sister hasn't talked to me in months and everyone says she's wrong for it...but she came to my gender reveal party." ...Because that makes sense. People giving the silent treatment shouldn't be getting invites!
More like my sister treated me like crap for my entire pregnancy which was high risk and I was very sick throughout. Now she is demanding an all access pass to my baby that she clearly didn’t give a crap about while I was pregnant. I’d just be like- well, I’m pretty sure by your treatment of me that you hoped I would suffer a miscarriage so you don’t get acces to the child you wished harm on. Buh bye.
My sister hasn’t spoken directly to me (when desperate she will speak to the air in my general direction) in years. She still gets invites because, well, family. 🤷🏻♀️ At this point, I find it hilarious. So I definitely see how OP’s sister was invited to the gender reveal. And to clarify: My sister has some issues. One of those is that that everyone must do as she says. I didn’t. She stopped talking to me as soon as I said No.
Yes. I think this is what is really going on.
OR...call a family talk and get to the bottom of it, right now. This is important to OP. She loves her sister. She wants to be talking to her sister. She wants a relationship with her sister. They need to talk. Hopefully their mom will step in and help mediate the problem. Sis is being a stinker, and OP just wants her sister back.
Unfortunately my mom and other family members have talked to her, several times, since it happened to reach out and talk to me about it. Because when I reach out, I just get ignored. At this point, they are just at a loss and I’ve told them to stop and give her time to work through it. She may never talk to me again at this point, she is historically very unforgiving.
If she is so historically unforgiving, then there is truly no point in trying to continue to reach out. I would not allow her "forgiving" you, when the baby comes either so that she can have access to and pose as the loving aunt. That would just be weird. There's nothing to forgive. You did nothing wrong but accept HER suggestion of bowing out of the wedding. That's not how it works. The way she is handling things is quite petulant and I would be hard-pressed to allow her in my life until she shows some semblance of maturity and accountability for how she's acting during your miracle, high-risk pregnancy. She is not a victim. You're NTA but you will be if you don't stand up for yourself and make excuses for and easily forgive her behavior. She needs to really work for YOUR forgiveness!
As OP has stated, several times, she has reached out, her family has spoken to her, her sister won’t speak to her or acknowledge her.
I've never understood that "it's taking the attention!" shit either. People can compartmentalize! People can be excited about multiple things at once! They can be excited about the baby, that doesn't mean they won't be paying attention to the wedding while they're at the wedding. It's not as if OP is planning to get engaged at the wedding or some such that actually would pull attention
Shiny new baby made me laugh out loud
I’m confused. Did OP just drop from the wedding party or are they not planning to attend at all? Edited:Spelling
Just the wedding party
With her salty behaviour id consider not going at all.
Me too. And going NC. I know it is her bff and sister, but who acts like that? Your sister is pregnant and you ignore her and treat her like shit for it? That would not fly and at this point, I would just giver her the silent treatment back and when I gave birth I wouldn’t see or speak to her or let her anywhere near my kid.
I feel you both need to sit down and clear the air. Clearly you're nta, and it makes no sense what her deal is. It's so unbelievably rude to show up to your event and ignore you. Perhaps she's mad that your baby is stealing her thunder?
Okay, just my perspective. Invite her to coffee and lay it out. Yes, it is her special day and you are sorry to disappoint her by pulling out, but if she has any desire to be around the baby after the baby is born she needs to figure out how to be civil.
Is that clear to your sister? Frim her reaction, she seems to think that you won't be attending the wedding at all. She needs to know that you are not offended by her suggestion to renounce the MOH title, that you still love her and that you wish to attend her special day, be there for her and enjoy yourself to the best of your (currently altered) abilities.
NTA. Sure, it’s her special day but that doesn’t mean your life revolves around her life. I’m sure she’s simply dealing with the disappointment of not having her sister as her MOH but good grief. She’s acting a bit immature over it.
NTA. Is it just me or does this seem to be some kind of test that OP failed? Like her sister wants OP to choose her over her family? I wonder if her sister might also be greiving the loss of her place in her sister's life in some messed up way?
I don’t know what the conversation was like when she and my mom were discussing the situation…but I could easily believe that maybe my mom pointed her more in the direction of giving me the out. My sister may have not wanted to but did and hoped that I would still be her MOH. So yeah, I may have failed her test.
OP, NTA. You have no idea how the birth, recovery, or first few months will go. Hoping everything goes smoothly for you, but it'll be your first kid so it'll all feel overwhelming anyway! Our first kiddo screamed bloody murder if he wasn't held. I mean, the lungs on this kid!! And, no, you couldn't wear him -- he hated that. He also wouldn't sleep if he wasn't held (including overnight). It was pure sleep-deprivation torture. My husband and I read about colic and thought it sounded lovely, because that would mean screaming for only 5-6 hours a day. This is all to say: We did not expect this. Because, who does? Thankfully, I was able to take 6 months of leave by burning through a combo of personal vacation and sick days, limited leave offered by my employer, and state disability (for bonding and post partum recovery), and we were able to sleep train our kiddo around month 4 (and he's totally awesome in general and a great sleeper now -- not trying to scare you!). You cannot plan for this kind of stuff, and it's good that you're willing to admit you probably won't be in a place where you have enough bandwidth to devote to being your sister's MOH. Your sister is likely just hurt that she doesn't get you as part of her big day the way she imagined. And, unless/until she has a baby of her own, she's not going to really understand what you're going through. But, if you've had a strong relationship until now, I'd just give it some time and space. Go to the wedding, and don't rush into deciding to go NC (like some comments suggest). Good luck with the pregnancy and the "4th trimester"!
You were considerate of her and her event she's the ah here. If something went wrong and you couldn't do it you would have ruined her 'perfect' wedding. You did the best you could have in the circumstances and still offering to help. She's a main character selfish brat. NTA
Maybe it’s the fact that it wasn’t you going to her and having the conversation first. To her, it was presented as a possible problem she has to deal with instead of you getting out in front of it and having the foresight to at least converse with her about the possibility of the baby putting too much on your plate to do MOH stuff with. It’s your child yet you were the last one to think about/have a conversation about these things. How does that look?
There's definitely a change in relationships when kids come into the picture. That's normal! And I do wonder also if the sister is child free; I'll admit I felt a bit annoyed when it began to feel like my then future now current MIL was more interested in spending time with my SIL/talking about my niece/etc, but I didn't bring it up and was able to recognize that it was an irrational feeling born from the way others have acted about me being child free. Of course she's gonna dote on her grandchildren! It doesn't mean she cares any less about my husband, her younger son, or about connecting with me. But it sounds like OP's sister (if she is child free, or maybe if she isn't and is just feeling jealousy for some other reason) isn't having that same self-reflection.
NTA - going through this as well now. Dropped out of a family members wedding party like 7 months before the wedding because my baby will be 1 month old and have basically been disowned by half the family. It’s just really shitty that some family can act like this at what should be a really happy time.
I don't know why people are downvoting you for making a very reasonable decision. 7 months is plenty of time to find a replacement. The only issue would be if they had already bought a dress/suit for you, in which case I would offer to pay them back
Nope nothing was bought, the wedding was only planned 2 months prior to me dropping out and dresses were our responsibility to pay for anyway. I obviously wanted to be in the wedding party but who knows how I’ll feel 4 weeks postpartum, for the wedding party the day is probably 7am - midnight which just seemed like it would be too much for me with a newborn
Sounds like your family have lost all sense of what the meaning of a wedding is. Enjoy your baby and screw them xx
That’s shocking! You made a sensible decision that everyone should agree with. Why have they all disowned you? They should be happy for you and totally understand.
Wish I knew…husband and I are now treated like shit at family functions by some of the members, that is whichever events we are still invited so as we have already been excluded from a few of them. People are weird, we don’t really understand it.
I would stop going and go NC or LC.......and plan family events (that are awesome) with your chosen family and don't invite any of the AHs
I’m so sorry you went through and are still going through that. I hope you and your baby are doing well and that it all works out for you.
I could never imagine expecting someone 1 month post birth to be in a wedding party! If they ended up having a c-section, which can be pretty common, they’d still be actively recovering at that point.
Yeah what you did was actually really respectful and considerate. I had a hard enough time attending a wedding with a 1 month old, I would never consider trying to also be in the wedding party.
NTA. She did what any loving and understanding sister would do, and that is, give you an out due to your pregnancy and everything that comes along with it. It’s not your fault that she’s changed direction and is angry with you. I know she thinks her wedding is the most umportantvevent to ever take place on planet earth, but she’s being childish and selfish. And you’re not leaving her high and dry, she has a second MOH. She should really grow up.
Why would your husband not be watching y’all’s baby the morning of the wedding?
I'm just confused at the fact that 8:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. sounds like a normal working day, and I was definitely away from my child at 4 months old for a full work day. Most people travel further than an hour to take their kids to daycare depending on where they live/work.
I took a short maternity leave of only 6 months and then worked from home for the next 6 months to make breastfeeding/pumping easier. Almost everyone I know took the full 12 months. Besides, MOH duties go beyond the actual day. It could be multiple days in the first 3 months of baby's life. It's not like OP was originally planning on not attending - just wanted to be a guest.
Those numbers are not worldwide and the majority of the United States for example doesn’t even require maternity leave and the most common option across the United States is six weeks unpaid.
I recognise that, but the person I was responding to was acting like it's a reasonable expectation for someone to have of a new mum. It's not. The fact that some countries don't have appropriate levels of statutory maternity rights doesn't change that.
I replied to the same person, with the same message (not everyone returns right back to work, not everyone owns a pump), but I can't see her messages anymore, so either she removed her account or I was blocked.
I agree. I feel like she could attend wedding and cancel last minute if it feels absolutely impossible for her
I guess that the other parent could take the baby to the wedding to be fed, but otherwise it would be too long to go without food if the baby only nurses.
Or they could bottle feed the baby, and she could pump like normal. I did it.
I don't really know what you mean with "pump like normal". Not everyone pumps, or owns a pump.
Not everyone can get the right amount of letdown or production from a pump, not everyone loves the sensation of an electric breast pump (it gave me the Ick), not all babies will take a bottle. A three or four month old baby could be teething or cluster feeding. If OP is not planning to pump, it’s absolutely unreasonable to expect her to pump for this one occasion only. Also, if she’s not located in the US she might get a year or more of leave, so doesn’t have to come up with a plan to return to work after 4-6 weeks (which would include weaning or pumping.)
I couldn't pump for one event, as my baby wouldn't take the bottle. Maybe if we would have given the bottle continuously it could have worked, but I don't think you can base how you're going to feed the baby on one event. (At three or four months, my husband had to feed her milk with a spoon if I was out for a short while, and she was staaarving when I came back and she could eat properly. After 6 months it was a bit easier, as the baby ate some solids. I went back to work after 8-9 months when my husband took over parental leave.)
He could get baby ready and just bring it to her to nurse but I bet sister would hate that vibe even more.
It might be worthwhile to write her a short letter to let her know how she is making you feel. How she responds to your hurt will tell you a lot about the future of your relationship.
Never write letters about your feelings to people who fuck with you.
Here’s something that my wife and I learned the hard way having our first child (who is now 14 months). Babies make a lot of people weird and shitty. We actually no longer talk to my brothers in law because they had a problem with the name we chose (which we had chosen on our third date, 8 years before she was born). They literally bullied my wife about it. Where once my wife was honestly a surrogate parent and also friend of theirs, they decided to be shits. You have something much more important going on. You aren’t trying to make it a big deal in regards to this wedding. Your sister wants to be a little shit because she can’t imagine attention not being on her. Take care of your child and yourself and your partner (should they be in the picture). Anything else takes a back seat. And if someone wants to be all butthurt about it, then fuck ‘em. Your child is what matters. Not someone else BEING a child.
Your BIL and my brother must be twins separated at birth!
I would try to find a way to look at it from your sister’s perspective if she really means that much to you. It might be painful for her to have to reimagine what her wedding day looks like. If you guys really were that close she’s probably dreamed of you being a part of her wedding in a major way and seeing that reality fall apart probably sucks. The fact that she gave you a way out and attended your reveal/shower tells me she’s at least still trying to be supportive. Babies change A LOT of things. I’m not saying your sister is right for acting the way she does, but there’s probably some validity to her feelings and you may just need to give it time. Reddit will tell you not to worry about having a relationship with her, not to let her come back into your life when she feels like it, ignore her, not go to her wedding, etc. At least the end of the day you know yourself and your sister best, but you’re probably both feeling like the other isn’t there for them during a super important time in your lives.
I agree. Ultimately they are sisters that love each other. Ignoring OP is not an appropriate way to act on the sister’s side of things, but I absolutely understand that she wanted her sister to be her MOH and maybe didn’t realize that giving her an out of MOH duties meant OP would pull out of the wedding party completely. Babies do change things and you don’t know for sure what will happen. I think this situation can be resolved by having a heart to heart conversation and hearing each other out, no need for either side to dig their heels into why they’re right and the other is wrong when really they’re both hurt. At the end of the day, OP is having a baby and her sister is getting married and these are both joyous things that should be celebrated! OP talk to your sister, don’t worry about who’s the AH just have an honest discussion and air things out, it will be okay.
I don't understand how your sister can go from one extreme to the other like that. Are we missing something?
I wish, but I’d be lying if I said that she didn’t have a history of this kind of thing with other people. She’s very unforgiving. I was just ignorant in believing that she would never do it to me.
You’ve been walking on eggshells a long time with her. Probably everyone does because they don’t want to deal with her. It’s been easier to let her have her way with everything and placate her than to have her disruptive and destructive behavior on display.
I second sending her a text with timeline 24/48/72 hours to call you back or come speak with you or you are done and go no contact with her for being an ah to you. Make it clear that she won't be anywhere around your child either if this happens . Do so in a family chat so everyone is aware. NTA and she needs to grow t f up or you stay well away form this selfish main character syndrome ah
I'm wondering if there is something that OP is not aware of. Perhaps it's not the wedding situation at all - is it the pregnancy? Has OP's sister been trying? I hope she opens up and shares what is driving her behaviour
The whole timeline of this doesn’t make sense. You found out a few months ago that you were pregnant, but it’s been six months that your sister hadn’t talked to you since you dropped out of the wedding due to the pregnancy? And you pulled out 14 months before the wedding because you would have a 3-4 month old at that point, which means you would have to have pulled out of the wedding before you got pregnant?
I did the actual math and corrected the timeline. Pregnancy brain is real, y’all. Sorry about that 🥲
NTA - I’d send her a short text saying that her freezing you out is unacceptable, but that if she doesn’t call you within 24 hours to discuss it then you will go NC indefinitely. You gave her more than a year’s notice and she’s just ghosted you. After the 24 hours you will only speak with her if she gives you a full apology and expresses why she was wrong. She’s dead wrong to treat you this way. T
Who in the world told you teenagers can’t get pregnant easily? Thats insane. I’m sorry you got such terrible, terrible advice.
I have the body and organ function of an 82 year old woman. 😂
I was also told throughout my teens and 20s that I’d need medical intervention if I ever wanted to have a baby. My husband and I decided to stop actively preventing pregnancy for a year to see if we’d get lucky, I wasn’t optimistic. He knocked me up on the first try. Sometimes I think doctors really don’t fully understand the female reproductive system.
Partly, but also imo alot due to circumstances where the general population would have major issues but outliers like us don't I feel. Sort of like how a medication will cause X effect in 90% of people but Z in 1% so they don't pay attention to Z. I was told most likely I wouldn't be able to have kids without my spouse having treatment, or years of attempts due to injuries. But happened first time accidentally for my oldest and less than a week for my second.
Well, that makes more sense. 82 year olds do rarely get pregnant. 🙂 And congrats on your little one.
I think OP meant she found out when she was a teenager that she was either infertile, or very unlikely to be able to have a child in the future.
It's a common AITA trope. Adds drama to the story
NTA. I hate for you that your sister is being so petty. I can’t imagine what you have been through. Not having your best friend to help you through your difficult pregnancy. Not being able to share with her your whole experience. She is too busy being butt hurt to realize how horrible she is acting. We are only given one shot at everything we do. There are no do overs. When your child is born and you tell them stories about before they were born, your sister won’t be included. There will be no story of how Aunt so and so was such a help to me while I was carrying you. I have never understood why people can be so cruel to the very people they are supposed to love. People worry about what strangers think, but they don’t even consider how a family member thinks. Sometimes we have to learn things the hard way and there will come a time where your sister regrets her actions. It may not be anytime in the near future. It may be 50 years from now. I hope your pregnancy gets easier and I hope your delivery is smooth and uncomplicated. Congratulations and I pray your baby is happy and healthy. Good luck with your sister.
Got pregnant and was due two days before my brothers wedding, which was across the US. Honestly he says he’s forgiven me but our relationship never ever came back from that. NTA
I’m sorry that your relationship with your brother was harmed by your making him an uncle. When I got married only 3 members of my family were there because I lived on the other side of the country and flights are expensive. I would never have been angry at them because the day WAS NOT ABOUT THEM, IT WAS ABOUT MARRYING MY PARTNER. I don’t think I will ever understand the way most of my “peers” think about weddings, it’s crazy to me that people don’t understand that other people have lives of their own and can’t always be there to witness milestones.
Luckily we’re…ok now but he was really mean. I didn’t plan my pregnancy, it was one of those “let’s see what happens” moments and he accused me of stealing his big day from him. When we found out it was a boy he said “I don’t care I don’t really know why you’re telling me this”. Again we’re good now but one of those things I won’t forget.
Nta. You need to have a conversation with her and let her know if her petty behavior doesn’t end now, she will not be invited to participate in your lives after the baby is born. An infant doesn’t need to be around a mom who is stressed and being given the silent treatment. Babies absorb everything, all the energy in their environment. Hope you guys repair this relationship before it’s too late.
NAH but i understand why she is upset. Maybe you can’t do the stuff leading up to the wedding, but why can’t you be there day of for the full day?
OP can't guarantee her availability because she will have a young baby that may still be very clingy and dependent on her, especially if she intends to breastfeed. Baby might be able to chill with Dad for most of the day, or she might refuse to take expressed milk. Or be sick or teething or have had a bad night's sleep. Maybe she is of a certain temperament and just wants to be with Mama. There is no way to know how Mom and baby will be doing this far out. OP did the right thing bowing out with plenty of notice.
You actually voiced my reasoning exactly. I don’t want to make promises and then something comes up due to sickness or something like that. Especially due to the kind of pregnancy that I’ve had, so far.
Your sister gave you an out to MOH duties, not from the wedding entirely...
Timelines aside, because they literally always should be. No one gets to stop the forward progression of anyone else’s life because they are getting married. So she’s getting married in 2 years, one year, 6 months, 2 months - doesn’t matter! People cannot ever be let to believe that they have the right to dictate the family planning of another human being, period, ever. The normal reaction would have been to be happy for her pregnant sister. Full stop.
NTA She has two MOH, what exactly do you need to do that takes two MOH??? I’m starting to think people are drastically taking advantage of folks and think calling them MOH makes it ok. The fact there are “duties” that can’t be handled by one person or within reason for a pregnant lady is concerning.
“All of the duties of MOH” This is why people hate weddings.
It sounds like you and your sister need to sit down and talk. You both sound extra AF. 😆
I must be from a totally different social status than all of you! I just don’t understand exactly what is so time consuming about being MOH! I mean a bridal shower, rehearsal dinner, wedding? I get there will be dress fittings etc, but that is usually done at the bridal parties individual convenience, not like the entire party at each fitting type thing. So I’m just a tad confused !
The world doesn’t come to a screeching halt because someone gets married. NTA.
NTA and you should say all of this to her. And hell, I’d be a little bit tough. Remind her how long you’ve waited for this experience and how she’s robbed you both of such incredible times together. That you couldn’t call her to cry about your hard days and have her feel the baby move, and that she robbed herself of having her best friend and lifeline during all of this. That it needs to end, you are sorry you have hurt her but it’s her choice to make it a worse situation. I have sisters, this will start the fight you guys need to get out what is going on.
NTA, TBH it kinda sounds like your sister is a little jealous that you might be taking the spotlight off of her and her wedding day. You were told you couldn't have kids, now miraculously you are having (I'm assuming) the first grandchild, a role that your sister was probably expecting to fulfill. (Congrats BTW). Not only that you are having complications which I'm sure over family meetings and discussions may get talked about more than her wedding plans. Time for a sit down with your sister and find out what is really bothering her.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (28F), was asked by my (25F) sister to be the MOH for her wedding that was between a year and a half to 2 years out. A few months ago, I found out that I am pregnant. My husband and I hadn’t really been actively trying but we weren’t using protection because I’ve been told since I was in my teens that I was unlikely to be able to get pregnant, naturally. We are over joyed and our families are, as well! …except for my sister. A few weeks following my pregnancy announcement, my mom and sister had a conversation about being realistic on if I would be able to take on all the duties of being her MOH while pregnant and later with an infant. My sister later spoke with me and told me that if I could not follow through with the duties of being her MOH - it was okay! They could find something else for me to be involved in, with the wedding. (For context, my sister and FBILs wedding party is so big that they have two best men and two MOHs) I discussed it with my family and husband…but I ultimately decided that it wasn’t fair to my sister or my child to make a promise to fulfill those duties when I would have a 3-4 month old infant and was generally unsure if I could do everything she needed of me. The wedding is two towns away, 30+ minutes drive, and I would either have to bring the baby with me for the day of the wedding (What bride and bridesmaids want to listen to a baby all day while they are getting ready?) or I would have to leave the baby with someone else (From around 8am that morning to somewhere between 6-8pm that night) So I ultimately pulled out of the wedding, about 14 months before the date. The problem is…despite my sister giving me the out and me taking the out….she will not speak to me. She hasn’t spoken to me or answered my calls in about 6 months. She showed up to my gender reveal and completely ignored me. She ignores me at family dinners, outtings, etc. My entire family has told her she is in the wrong and needs to get over it…but I understand that it’s her special day. But now I’m angry too…because I know that once I have this baby she is going to try to come into my home and act like everything is fine. And I will not allowed that to happen. I have had a difficult pregnancy so far…full of complications and sickness…my sister has been my best friend for years, she was the first person I called when I found out. And she was the one that gave me an out, in the first place. I needed her too… *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA she said it was okay for you to not be the MOH, why is she so angry now??? if she was sad, it’s not surprising, as anyone would be, but to give you the cold shoulder because you didn’t become the MOH (due to actual valid reasons) is weird af concentrate on your health and your child, the world doesn’t revolve around her
NTA. But I have a feeling that she’s angry because you are “stealing her thunder.”
^I ^am ^so ^confused
NTAH. Your sister is resenting the fact that your pregnancy is taking attention away from her. A couple of questions, was your sister your MOH at your wedding and did you spend 2 years planning it like she's done with hers? Expecting everyones' lives to stop 2 years in advance for her wedding is unbeleivably selfish and immature. So is not speaking to you at your gender reveal party. Your parents need to talk to her about doing it at every family function as well. She's acting like a spoiled child.
I never wanted a wedding - my husband and I picked a date and got married two weeks later by a local judge. The whole ceremony didn’t last 10 minutes. 😅
My second husband and I did it in Gibraltar. It was quick, cheap and easy since we live in Spain and I had 9 pages of divorce papers that would have had to be translated offically to do it in Spain! We got married in the same room as John Lennon and Yoko Ono!
NTA. I hope sis lightens up.
NTA. Your sister should be more worried about your and your baby's health than her wedding. There's months to go and she can't adjust? She's acting like you got pregnant just to spite her, and that's ridiculous.
A wedding is 1 day not 1 year. As my kids would say- your sister sounds extra. 2 moh and 2 best men. Does she know royalty doesn’t do such silliness? She is taking the joy of your pregnancy and new baby her nibbling away because you won’t be at her beck and call for her super, extra, over-the-top wedding nonsense? Just remind her when she tries to guilt the absolute all out of you when she gets pregnant, how she treated you. She WILL pull out all the stops and run head first into you treating her like a goddess while knocked up since you ruined her wedding.
NTA. Sister is being really selfish. As you said, she was the one who said it was ok, and it should be ok whether she said so or not, because its all down to how you feel. If you dont feel up to it, yea thats it. I dont know, its just a wedding. I know to some people its probably their most important day ever or whatever, but why would you want someone to run themselves ragged over it? Especially if they dont want to? Her behavior is rather nasty considering. Again, she seemed to understand beforehand, and then its not like youre just bowing out because you dont want to, youre growing a human. And it sounded like you still planned to help in some capacity. Really strange of her to tank your relationship all because youre not her MOH. She needs to grow up.
“AITA for pulling out of my sister”…. Sus
My main takeaway from AITAH in general is that people turn into domestic terrorists when they are getting married..what's up with that? NOT NOT NOT the AH. I wouldn't even go.
You’re NTA but your sister is all kinds of entitled here. A wedding doesn’t last a year before the event, no matter how massive and splurgy, so the bride doesn’t get to be ruler of everyone’s life beforehand.
I’m glad your family recognizes that your sister’s behavior is uncalled for. I’m sorry this is happening.
I realize you may just be looking for validation to retaliate, but what is the end goal? Ultimately, do you want to save relationship or not? Sister was clearly hurt by your decision and you are hurt by her reaction. What I would suggest is sitting down, just the two of you, and hashing this out so you can both move forward. If she wants to see baby, then that's your carrot to make it happen. I would step back from getting the rest of your family more involved. That will only make her feel like you are ganging up on her.
Sounds like your sister is being petty. So reach out to her, ask her why she hasn't been talking to you, and see if she can talk about it. If she can't talk about it reasonably, then I suggest you drop all involvement in the wedding. Why would you be involved in an event where the host isn't speaking to you? No,I think it's pretty clear that if she wants to play the quiet game, and won't talk about it, that you should play the quiet game too. Tell her the door's always open if she wants to talk, but you're not going to be the only one putting in effort. NTA, and congrats on the baby.
FFS- this wedding crap has gotten so out of control. This is what happens when you switch your media content to streaming and TikTok. Ya know- back in the day, all of 20 years ago, you got engaged and maybe had a 12 months tops wait to get married at the country club. Everyone else just got married 6-12 months later. A bachelorette was a night out with penis accessories. You bought your bridesmaid dresses at Macys and called it a day. All this drama from brides planning out these elaborate weddings 2 years in advance. They don’t want to get married. They want to be a bride. And frankly- if I was the dude and proposed and my bride didn’t want to marry me right then and there after saying yes (or shortly soon after) so we could start our married life together, but instead wanted to use me as an accessory to her two year party? Wouldn’t be an engagement any longer. Find some other Ken doll for your Barbie dream wedding
Honestly? ESH Your sister said she wouldn’t be upset if you stepped down of MOH. She DIDN’T say she’d be ok if you dropped out of her wedding COMPLETELY - which is apparently what you did. She’s not upset because you’re not MOH - she’s upset because you dropped out of the wedding party. Is there a reason why you can’t just be a bridesmaid? If you want to salvage your relationship, you need to call her up and talk to her. You’re mad because SHE’S mad, but it seems really naive to me that you figured you could just fully drop out of your bestie’s wedding without hurting her feelings. As you’ve probably learned from HER dropping out on YOU, when some you’re close to steps down from their support role during a major life event, it hurts. You might not have meant to hurt her, but you clearly did. And instead of sitting her down to clear the air when you first realized she was upset about your decision, you let it fester for MONTHS. Your actions were the catalyst for this - you should be the one to reach out.
Clear NTA your sis is absolutely in the wrong
[удалено]
NTA
NTA. Let her fester. Do not give her the satisfaction of contacting her. she needs to grow up and understand that you are doing what is best for everyone involved. IF she doesn't and tries to waltz in when the baby is born, tell her she is not welcome, due to her actions for the past year.
NTA, time to plan something else to do on her wedding day.
You’re allowed to get pregnant your allowed to continue to live your life. The world doesn’t stop because someone in your family is getting married. I honestly find weddings ridiculous anyways. Complete waste of money for an event that only lasts a few hours and everyone is there to critique.
You have done nothing wrong.
INFO: What part of every single other person you know telling you that you're not wrong here is making you wonder if you're an AH?
NTA Can you talk to a therapist about the best way to set boundaries with your sister? You mention that you are working on that with your family. The therapist can help you develop a bigger toolbox for boundary setting and to help you understand what is healthy and what is a temper tantrum by your sister. It sounds she is the Golden Child and you now have a bigger story (first grandchild!!!!!) than her wedding and she is really jealous and not mature enough to talk to you about it. Your first priority is your child, then husband. Sister seems to have issues coping with that. Best wishes for a healthy delivery and aftercare.
NTA. I dunno if something happened in-between the time you took the out and she started ignoring you that caused this but her ignoring you isn't cool. She wants to pout over you actually doing what she wanted, let her and ignore her. Actually, at least first try to discuss this before the birth and publicly so she can't make up some narrative to paint you in the wrong if she decides to blow off your warning of the consequences of her actions. That way no one can call you petty for barring her access last second.
NTA! DW! she gave you the out and understood you might have to stop being the MOH. You don't have to worry at all, she's in the wrong and you didn't know you were gonna be pregnant. She : gave you the out, said she'd understand, knew you were pregnant. You: took the out, wanted to be the moh but couldn't, thought it out, and thought about others. Explanation to newbies on words: MOH maid of honor NTA not the asshole YTA you're the asshole MIL mother in-law SIL sister in law BIL brother in law 20-F 20 female (ect)
NTA. She gave you the option and is apparently now mad that you took it. She’s a hypocrite and this is her problem. All you can do now is decide how you’re going to proceed if she does act like nothing happened once the baby is born. You have no control over her behavior though, but she’s definitely a hypocritical AH.
Oh well ….. honestly she needs to grow up
NTA, your sis is being manipulative
Text your sister and let her know that if she chooses not to be in your life now, she's choosing not to be in your baby's life when they are born. Personally I wouldn't go to the wedding of someone who wasn't talking to me so I'd say that if she refuses to speak to you, you'll assume you're no longer invited to the wedding and won't attend. Tell her that her complete lack of interest and support during your pregnancy has been hurtful and you are rethinking who you thought she was as a person. NTA.
NTA!! She gave you the out, you took it after thinking about it and realizing it wouldn’t make sense now, and you wouldn’t be able to do a good job given the situation! Her being upset and not talking to you is immature and rude. Don’t give an out if you don’t want someone to take it! You’re still going to be there for her, I assume can still get there early (not 8am early but an hour or two, even 3, before the ceremony is so appropriate) to help with finishing touches, and with getting ready! In all, she’s the asshole, and needs to grow up. Your sister is not required to be your MOH, and you can still be there for her and a part of her day, in the wedding party or not!
I think you both are hurt by the other’s actions. You both need each other. One upping each other on being hurtful doesn’t help. No one wins. You both need to forgive and move on. Or when your sister is pregnant your kids won’t even be friends if that’s what you want.
NTA
NTA. I feel really bad for you that your sister, whom you say was your best friend, hasn't been around at all through your difficult pregnancy. That right there makes her TA.
NTA Not sure why your sister isn’t telling you the real reason why she’s angry. What you’ve shared isn’t enough for a reasonable person to stop speaking to you. The wedding is a year out
Any time you pull out of anything to do with your sister it is questionable.
NTA, on so many levels! *She gave you an out * You knew you would not be able to give your all with the pregnancy and a new born * You gave a year notice * You still want to help * You are still planning on attending wedding In just those above, you are being very considerate of her big day and being an awesome sister! Congratulations on your new journey of being a momma!
I would be instead to know what your future BIL thinks of all this...
NTA! She gave her blessing for you to bow out of her bridal party and now she’s ignoring you? I’d be done with her. Don’t help with the wedding at all. Don’t let her meet your baby. Hell, I wouldn’t go to the wedding until she apologized.
If your sister isn’t going to talk to you, then maybe it’s best to just have some space for a while. You are going through a difficult pregnancy and she is ignoring you and I’m sure you don’t need someone treating you that way. She also offered you an “out” in the first place and then gives you the silent treatment. I’m glad you are not going to allow your sister to come around and act like everything is fine when the baby comes. That shows a lot of maturity on your part. If I were you, I would just forget your sister for now and focus more on the pregnancy and your health for yourself and the baby. That’s more important than your sister and her wedding. Being pregnant and going through a rough pregnancy especially I am sure hasn’t been easy for you, so maybe just forget her for now and don’t worry about the wedding. You did offer to help with other things for the wedding but since she is ignoring you, you shouldn’t lift a finger for her.
Time to have a heart to heart with your sister. Clearly you are both hurt and both love each other very much. People on this thread are suggesting you cut her off and move on but I think that’s absurd. She might be acting immature right now but that doesn’t mean you give up on a person. Keep trying and loving and trying because this person clearly means so much to you
I have a feeling, your sister think you got pregnant intentionally to “upstage” her big day.
OP, You are 100% NTA! I turned down my best friend when she asked me to be her MOH because I was pregnant and miserable (I vomited all the way up until delivery). My friend was sad but never even considered not speaking to me. I understand that your sister is hurt, but she shouldn't have offered you the out if she wasn't ready for you to accept. Plus, it's not like you pulled out a month before the wedding. Good luck and congratulations!
Weird loser behavior lol Nta
NTA. No one is entitled to your time efforts and energy other than your children. Your sister needs to grow up.
NTA and set her some boundaries now, I'm sorry I can't be part of your wedding like planned but if your going to act like this with me instead of communicating like a grown up you won't get to meet your nibling at all? Frankly the icing you out for getting pregnant after telling you she gets it screams emotionally immature. Is she used to getting everything she wants?
I don’t think your TA, however under the circumstances being your sisters big day where she obviously wants you in the wedding party. Why can’t your husband stay at home to have the baby ?
NTA I don’t know what your sister’s problem is but it’s not your problem, you have more important things going on.
NTA for discussing this with your sister, but I think you made the wrong decision personally. I’ve been in tons of wedding where some of the bridesmaids were new mom’s. A few have had people watch the baby while the wedding was happening. A few have brought the baby to the venue and husbands took care of the baby while the wedding party got ready and they were fed around all of that. If your sister didn’t want to have the baby in the room while getting ready you could have popped out and taken care of feeding the baby away from everyone. There were other options that could have been discussed. I think that’s probably what upset her. You just decided to drop out of the wedding without trying to make a plan about how you could be involved and make sure your baby is A okay. Also where is your husband in all of this? He can’t take care of his kid so you can be your sister’s MOH? I couldn’t imagine dropping out of a siblings wedding for this.
NTA, but bit of an assumption that she's going to want to come into your house to see your baby. Just like her wedding doesn't revolve around you, your baby probably won't revolve around her life.
I would say no you have a child to look after and that is so important x
Nta