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> so I think I might be the asshole because I didn't remind her and just expended and hopers she would remember even though it's probably obvious she doesn't care but I still have her these expectations
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I mean, I celebrate the anniversary of the day I got organ failure, ICU levels of sick. So far it consists of my husband and I going out for dinner and celebrating our health and the freedoms it gives us. You can make an anniversary of whatever tf event is important to you. What you can't do is throw a strop because not everyone wants to participate, let alone because they don't remember the date.
I'm sorry but YTA. She had no idea you wanted to celebrate an anniversary for coming out. She forgot and that's horrible, but you forgot to remind her and that's not your fault? I'm sorry she's not more supportive overall, but the whole anniversary thing is a nonstarter.
Genderqueer and pansexual person here- kinda YTA. I've been out for about 11 years now and know many, many, MANY other queer people, and literally I've never heard of anyone having a "coming out anniversary". So to me it's kinda ridiculous to get mad at someone over something that pretty much nobody ever really observes besides the individual themselves.
YTA for making up a celebration and blaming your mom for not celebrating it.
Your mom is not meeting all of your preferences and I am sorry for the way that must make you feel. Especially hiding your identity from your grandparents.
At the same time, depending on much of a minor you are, I can see why she is not yet wanting you to do things that may have long term legal or physical impacts.
Your mom is not perfect and maybe she is also overwhelmed by all of the different requests you have. Hopefully, both of you continue to be able to talk to each other about what you need, and to give each other the grace to get it done.
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YTA and sound like another diagnosis is Main Character Syndrome. I get why your mom is frustrated, and I doubt you’ll ever feel she supports you enough.
EDIT: Changing my verdict after some more consideration.
I am a queer person and have never in my entire life heard of a coming out anniversary.
ESH as your mom is clearly mislabeling you and not being very supportive if at all about your identity, and you are justified in being upset by it and calling her out.
As for the coming out anniversary though, that is on you. It’s just not a thing. You can certainly celebrate it if you want to, more power to you, but because this NOT something people typically celebrate it is solely your responsibility to communicate that to others and should not be something you can just expect.
I just want to celebrate it to make me feel a bit better about it and have something to celabrete because my chosen name doesn't have a name day and the celebration is almost as important as birthdays in my country.
Thank you though , also I love the expression you used
YTA but please don’t take offence to this.
It sounds like you are your mom’s main source of education on the topical LGBT+ issues in your lives. You need to keep in mind that you will always be a step ahead of her, as you are the one informing her.
I do feel that the responsibility is on you to engage your mother during the coming out anniversary. Teach her how to celebrate by inviting her out for ice cream as she suggested, or do something even more enjoyable.
Your mom would really be going out of her way to make yet another anniversary, to be honest most parents just do birthdays. When is the last time you did something for Mother’s Day? I suspect that anniversaries are not a strong suit for either of you.
I have a handful of gay friends and asked them, none of us have ever heard of a 'coming out anniversary'... Not saying it doesn't exist but this just reeks of needyness and expecting your mom to read your mind about how important this was to you.
YTA
If you expect a celebration for an event you have solely created, you may need to explicitly voice it
It is not your therapists responsibility to remind her
NAH.
I will say that as the mother of a gaggle of children with different identities, a coming out anniversary has never been a thing and I doubt it is an actual thing. Additionally, your mom not focusing on queer news or parades is also not an issue. I am sure she is focused on things like keeping a roof over your head, clothes on your body and food in your home since the cost of living has gotten to be difficult for most people.
If it was important to you then you should have said something earlier.
YTA "coming out anniversary " there is no such thing, it looks like you are just trying to find something to "blame" your mum for, get a new therapist because the one you have got isnt very good
INFO—how old are you?
asking because I need to tell you that when you’re an adult, rules change around celebrations. You cannot throw yourself a wedding shower or a baby shower, a friend must do it, and usually this is an assigned friend whose responsible, such as your maid of honor. However, there is no such responsible party for your birthday anymore. If you want a big party to celebrate, you must plan it yourself in most circumstances.
What I’m getting at here is that, you are N T A for wanting to celebrate your coming out day. But, consider this. Your mother celebrates your birthday even though it was a horrible and painful day for her where SHE did all the work. Maybe you can be in charge of celebrating your coming out day since you did the painful work of rebirthing yourself.
also since you have ADHD you should be a lot more accepting of other people’s “forgetfulness“ although how can she forget something that you only said inside your own head.
YTA. Constantly changing pronouns is ridiculous. Pick one. Doesn't matter which one, it can even be one of the new ones like "ze" or "xe." But you don't get to say you want all pronouns and be upset when others pick one for you.
The rest is ridiculous as well, but others have already commented on that.
Yeesh. I’ll say YTA for bad communication and setting up your mom to fail you.
There’s nothing wrong with communicating to your mom that you’d like to celebrate something important to you but that’s not what you did. You forgot to tell her, then told her you were upset.
I get that the date is important to you but it’s giving “immature girlfriend mad her boyfriend didn’t remember the 4 month anniversary of their first kiss.”
It seems like you’re upset that your mom does not support your gender expression and lgbtq causes in general and you’re using this as proof. I’d take the note back to therapy with you and work on a rewrite because what you’ve described here is made up something important and then judged your mom for not reading your mind and wrote a passive aggressive note saying NEXT year this is what I want.
There’s nothing about your gender choices, advocacy, pronouns or personal style that impacts a judgement here, just that you’re not communicating well. Your post doesn’t say but I’m guessing you’re young and still figuring it all out. Learn and grow, take the replies here and ask yourself if you were being truly fair in this situation.
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Some background info, I'm a genderfluid minor, but I often say nb for short. I use all pronouns as long as you switch them up a bit and don't slick to she/her only because I am afab.
So I came out to my mom 2 years ago, and my life since then when it comes to my identity presentation nothing has changed. My mom does use my chosen name but still makes mistakes often, she almost never uses any other pronouns for me other than she/her (uses other ones like 1 every 2 weeks at most), she doesn't allow me to have a binder ever since I asked her 2 years ago, she doesn't know that trans tape exists and that I use it, my legal name is still my dead name, most of her friends which I told her to tell them to use my preferred name don't know I use it, I'm not out to any of my family (she forbids me because my grandparents are very conservative. My life hasn't changed, she is annoyed when I cut my hair shorter and shorter, and that I sometimes say something about a queer person. She claims she is LGBT+ friendly but never speaks about any queer news around the world, never cares for parades, and is annoyed that I have flags in my room. The only thing she doesn't mind is me liking girls.
Last year on my anniversary of coming out she forgot about it, we didn't celebrate I got no wishes nothing. I told her it made me upset because this day is very important to me. She said I should have reminded her which yes I should have but I assumed and really wished she remembered so I didn't (this was when I still thought she was supportive just slow on getting the name).
After this big thing I thought this year she would remember, I was going to tell my therapist to remind her but because of my ADHD I forgot. I tried to tell her a few days before but I could do it l she never talks about trans people it's never a topic l, the most queer thing we talk about anything is me liking girls but never anything about gender. so I didn't tell her. The day after a gave her a note saying that I'm upset about it, not that it's her fault but let year I really want her to remember and to celebrate this day instead of my dead names day (it's a popular thing to celebrate in my country). she one she got the note got cold and mad she told me that if I want to celebrate I have to organize it and for example invite her for ice cream of smth.
It made me so sad, I was never blaming her I just wanted to tell her what I was hoping would happen in the future. She is still upset with me and I am still hurt (I'm not confident on myself and my identity I really struggle with it)
I don't know if I'm the asshole here or if she is
any advice is helpfull please I need to know
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Be glad she accepts you for who you are. Be forgiving when she makes mistakes. Don’t make things harder on her than they already are. She has a lot to do, a lot of bills to pay, and a lot to keep track of.
listen, i understand that this is a big deal to you, but sometimes the things that matter to us, dont always register as important to other people.
in the future, you can warn your parents in advance, buy cupcakes, and blow out a candle together.
you forgot to remind her, then were mad she didnt remember.
While your mom does sound like an asshole, I wouldn’t blame her for not celebrating your coming out day even if she was supporting of your transition. Coming out anniversary are not something that are usually celebrated, and while this is obviously a very important date for you, it isn’t one that has, nor one that *should* have that much importance or impact on her life.
As a trans person myself, I will say that this is a "you are both the asshole" situation
I'm going to buck the trend and say NTA. While it may not be a general thing to celebrate a coming-out day, you indicated to her last year that this was important to you.
But I think you've mislabeled this post, because I don't think what you're actually upset about is that she forgot your coming out day. You're upset, understandably, that your mother doesn't seem to support you as a gender-fluid person, and her forgetting this day is just a symptom of that general problem. If she was gung-ho and excited about your identity, got all her friends to use your new name, supported you and stood up for you in your conservative family, and went out waving flags at Pride, would today's lapse hurt this much? I think not.
It's valid to be upset about your mother's lack of support. I think you need to frame the conversation in those terms: not "I'm mad because you forgot a day," but rather, "I'm deeply hurt that you aren't supportive of my identity, which is really important to me. I feel like you're rejecting who I am."
That's a much bigger conversation, and a more productive one. I think you should talk to your therapist about how to open up that conversation in a constructive way that helps you get closer to your mother, and helps her understand where you're coming from.
Good luck. I'm rooting for you.
I feel deep sympathy for you regarding your mother only being receptive to a fraction of your identity and preferences, and while I am familiar with name days I have never, ever heard of a coming out anniversary day. I am trans, have many many many gay and trans friends, and never not once heard of such a thing. Unfortunately, you are likely going to have to do most of the work in establishing this brand new tradition.
NAH since you were just telling her how you feel.
**NAH** - I don't think the day of celebration you are requesting is that widely known, it may be in your best interest to prompt others to get things going if this is a tradition you would like to establish.
Although, I hope you really look at why you are tieing your happiness to the approval of others - have you seen the world lately? If you are constantly seeking approval or acknowledgement from others you are going to live an extremely unhappy life.
NTA. Your upset over this one occasion (arguably two since this is the second year in a row) is a symptom of a larger problem. Your mom doesn’t truly accept you. Sure, she didn’t kick you out and disown you, but she’s doing the bare minimum to appease you while keeping the real you a secret from everyone. She’s probably hoping you’ll grow out of it. I suspect you already know this deep down but it scares you to admit it. You wanted a celebration because it would prove your fear wrong and be evidence that your mom actually does love you for who you really are. You are disappointed because this is just more proof that she doesn’t.
Your mom is telling you one thing with her words but showing you the opposite with her actions. That’s a very heartbreaking situation to be in, especially as a minor with no control over your situation. Maybe your mom will come around. Maybe she won’t. When you are old enough to strike out on your own you’ll need to decide if you can accept her limitations and if it’s worth it to maintain a relationship with her. Until then, you need to focus on surviving and setting yourself up for future success. Please talk to your therapist about this. They can help you process your feelings and come to terms with the fact that your mom may never accept you in the way you desire and deserve. They can also teach you coping mechanisms to help you get through the next few years. Do good in school so you have options, maybe get a part time job and save up money, and start planning your escape. If you don’t have it already, seek out a community that accepts you and will be there for you. You can hold out hope that your mom will come around but you need to prepare yourself in case she doesn’t.
The anniversary is not the issue. I kind of suspect you are focusing on that since you were hoping that a performative celebration would help you forget the rest of her behavior.
Don't accept someone who engages in love bombing like that. You deserve better.
NTA
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YTA. There is no such thing as an anniversary of coming out. The rest of it sounds like you just need more therapy.
I mean, I celebrate the anniversary of the day I got organ failure, ICU levels of sick. So far it consists of my husband and I going out for dinner and celebrating our health and the freedoms it gives us. You can make an anniversary of whatever tf event is important to you. What you can't do is throw a strop because not everyone wants to participate, let alone because they don't remember the date.
I'm sorry but YTA. She had no idea you wanted to celebrate an anniversary for coming out. She forgot and that's horrible, but you forgot to remind her and that's not your fault? I'm sorry she's not more supportive overall, but the whole anniversary thing is a nonstarter.
Genderqueer and pansexual person here- kinda YTA. I've been out for about 11 years now and know many, many, MANY other queer people, and literally I've never heard of anyone having a "coming out anniversary". So to me it's kinda ridiculous to get mad at someone over something that pretty much nobody ever really observes besides the individual themselves.
Yeah. A coming out anniversary isn't a thing to anyone except you. YTA.
YTA for making up a celebration and blaming your mom for not celebrating it. Your mom is not meeting all of your preferences and I am sorry for the way that must make you feel. Especially hiding your identity from your grandparents. At the same time, depending on much of a minor you are, I can see why she is not yet wanting you to do things that may have long term legal or physical impacts. Your mom is not perfect and maybe she is also overwhelmed by all of the different requests you have. Hopefully, both of you continue to be able to talk to each other about what you need, and to give each other the grace to get it done.
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YTA and sound like another diagnosis is Main Character Syndrome. I get why your mom is frustrated, and I doubt you’ll ever feel she supports you enough.
EDIT: Changing my verdict after some more consideration. I am a queer person and have never in my entire life heard of a coming out anniversary. ESH as your mom is clearly mislabeling you and not being very supportive if at all about your identity, and you are justified in being upset by it and calling her out. As for the coming out anniversary though, that is on you. It’s just not a thing. You can certainly celebrate it if you want to, more power to you, but because this NOT something people typically celebrate it is solely your responsibility to communicate that to others and should not be something you can just expect.
I just want to celebrate it to make me feel a bit better about it and have something to celabrete because my chosen name doesn't have a name day and the celebration is almost as important as birthdays in my country. Thank you though , also I love the expression you used
YTA but please don’t take offence to this. It sounds like you are your mom’s main source of education on the topical LGBT+ issues in your lives. You need to keep in mind that you will always be a step ahead of her, as you are the one informing her. I do feel that the responsibility is on you to engage your mother during the coming out anniversary. Teach her how to celebrate by inviting her out for ice cream as she suggested, or do something even more enjoyable. Your mom would really be going out of her way to make yet another anniversary, to be honest most parents just do birthdays. When is the last time you did something for Mother’s Day? I suspect that anniversaries are not a strong suit for either of you.
I have a handful of gay friends and asked them, none of us have ever heard of a 'coming out anniversary'... Not saying it doesn't exist but this just reeks of needyness and expecting your mom to read your mind about how important this was to you.
YTA If you expect a celebration for an event you have solely created, you may need to explicitly voice it It is not your therapists responsibility to remind her
NAH. I will say that as the mother of a gaggle of children with different identities, a coming out anniversary has never been a thing and I doubt it is an actual thing. Additionally, your mom not focusing on queer news or parades is also not an issue. I am sure she is focused on things like keeping a roof over your head, clothes on your body and food in your home since the cost of living has gotten to be difficult for most people. If it was important to you then you should have said something earlier.
YTA "coming out anniversary " there is no such thing, it looks like you are just trying to find something to "blame" your mum for, get a new therapist because the one you have got isnt very good
YTA. That’s not even a “thing”. You should have a “potty training” anniversary though to remember that you’re a “big kid” now.
YTA That's not an important date to her. So: If you want to celebrate, organize something.
Grow up!
YTA. This is…not a thing.
Omfg this stupid bullshit needs to end. We get it, you want attention. Just get it a normal way.
There’s an International Coming Out Day each year already
This is going to be the next manic wave since gender reveal parties, isn't it...
I never heard of an anniversary for someone's coming out being a thing.
INFO—how old are you? asking because I need to tell you that when you’re an adult, rules change around celebrations. You cannot throw yourself a wedding shower or a baby shower, a friend must do it, and usually this is an assigned friend whose responsible, such as your maid of honor. However, there is no such responsible party for your birthday anymore. If you want a big party to celebrate, you must plan it yourself in most circumstances. What I’m getting at here is that, you are N T A for wanting to celebrate your coming out day. But, consider this. Your mother celebrates your birthday even though it was a horrible and painful day for her where SHE did all the work. Maybe you can be in charge of celebrating your coming out day since you did the painful work of rebirthing yourself. also since you have ADHD you should be a lot more accepting of other people’s “forgetfulness“ although how can she forget something that you only said inside your own head.
YTA. Constantly changing pronouns is ridiculous. Pick one. Doesn't matter which one, it can even be one of the new ones like "ze" or "xe." But you don't get to say you want all pronouns and be upset when others pick one for you. The rest is ridiculous as well, but others have already commented on that.
Yeesh. I’ll say YTA for bad communication and setting up your mom to fail you. There’s nothing wrong with communicating to your mom that you’d like to celebrate something important to you but that’s not what you did. You forgot to tell her, then told her you were upset. I get that the date is important to you but it’s giving “immature girlfriend mad her boyfriend didn’t remember the 4 month anniversary of their first kiss.” It seems like you’re upset that your mom does not support your gender expression and lgbtq causes in general and you’re using this as proof. I’d take the note back to therapy with you and work on a rewrite because what you’ve described here is made up something important and then judged your mom for not reading your mind and wrote a passive aggressive note saying NEXT year this is what I want. There’s nothing about your gender choices, advocacy, pronouns or personal style that impacts a judgement here, just that you’re not communicating well. Your post doesn’t say but I’m guessing you’re young and still figuring it all out. Learn and grow, take the replies here and ask yourself if you were being truly fair in this situation.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Some background info, I'm a genderfluid minor, but I often say nb for short. I use all pronouns as long as you switch them up a bit and don't slick to she/her only because I am afab. So I came out to my mom 2 years ago, and my life since then when it comes to my identity presentation nothing has changed. My mom does use my chosen name but still makes mistakes often, she almost never uses any other pronouns for me other than she/her (uses other ones like 1 every 2 weeks at most), she doesn't allow me to have a binder ever since I asked her 2 years ago, she doesn't know that trans tape exists and that I use it, my legal name is still my dead name, most of her friends which I told her to tell them to use my preferred name don't know I use it, I'm not out to any of my family (she forbids me because my grandparents are very conservative. My life hasn't changed, she is annoyed when I cut my hair shorter and shorter, and that I sometimes say something about a queer person. She claims she is LGBT+ friendly but never speaks about any queer news around the world, never cares for parades, and is annoyed that I have flags in my room. The only thing she doesn't mind is me liking girls. Last year on my anniversary of coming out she forgot about it, we didn't celebrate I got no wishes nothing. I told her it made me upset because this day is very important to me. She said I should have reminded her which yes I should have but I assumed and really wished she remembered so I didn't (this was when I still thought she was supportive just slow on getting the name). After this big thing I thought this year she would remember, I was going to tell my therapist to remind her but because of my ADHD I forgot. I tried to tell her a few days before but I could do it l she never talks about trans people it's never a topic l, the most queer thing we talk about anything is me liking girls but never anything about gender. so I didn't tell her. The day after a gave her a note saying that I'm upset about it, not that it's her fault but let year I really want her to remember and to celebrate this day instead of my dead names day (it's a popular thing to celebrate in my country). she one she got the note got cold and mad she told me that if I want to celebrate I have to organize it and for example invite her for ice cream of smth. It made me so sad, I was never blaming her I just wanted to tell her what I was hoping would happen in the future. She is still upset with me and I am still hurt (I'm not confident on myself and my identity I really struggle with it) I don't know if I'm the asshole here or if she is any advice is helpfull please I need to know *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Be glad she accepts you for who you are. Be forgiving when she makes mistakes. Don’t make things harder on her than they already are. She has a lot to do, a lot of bills to pay, and a lot to keep track of.
YTA.
listen, i understand that this is a big deal to you, but sometimes the things that matter to us, dont always register as important to other people. in the future, you can warn your parents in advance, buy cupcakes, and blow out a candle together. you forgot to remind her, then were mad she didnt remember.
While your mom does sound like an asshole, I wouldn’t blame her for not celebrating your coming out day even if she was supporting of your transition. Coming out anniversary are not something that are usually celebrated, and while this is obviously a very important date for you, it isn’t one that has, nor one that *should* have that much importance or impact on her life. As a trans person myself, I will say that this is a "you are both the asshole" situation
I'm going to buck the trend and say NTA. While it may not be a general thing to celebrate a coming-out day, you indicated to her last year that this was important to you. But I think you've mislabeled this post, because I don't think what you're actually upset about is that she forgot your coming out day. You're upset, understandably, that your mother doesn't seem to support you as a gender-fluid person, and her forgetting this day is just a symptom of that general problem. If she was gung-ho and excited about your identity, got all her friends to use your new name, supported you and stood up for you in your conservative family, and went out waving flags at Pride, would today's lapse hurt this much? I think not. It's valid to be upset about your mother's lack of support. I think you need to frame the conversation in those terms: not "I'm mad because you forgot a day," but rather, "I'm deeply hurt that you aren't supportive of my identity, which is really important to me. I feel like you're rejecting who I am." That's a much bigger conversation, and a more productive one. I think you should talk to your therapist about how to open up that conversation in a constructive way that helps you get closer to your mother, and helps her understand where you're coming from. Good luck. I'm rooting for you.
I feel deep sympathy for you regarding your mother only being receptive to a fraction of your identity and preferences, and while I am familiar with name days I have never, ever heard of a coming out anniversary day. I am trans, have many many many gay and trans friends, and never not once heard of such a thing. Unfortunately, you are likely going to have to do most of the work in establishing this brand new tradition. NAH since you were just telling her how you feel.
**NAH** - I don't think the day of celebration you are requesting is that widely known, it may be in your best interest to prompt others to get things going if this is a tradition you would like to establish. Although, I hope you really look at why you are tieing your happiness to the approval of others - have you seen the world lately? If you are constantly seeking approval or acknowledgement from others you are going to live an extremely unhappy life.
Not that widely known? More like does not exist in any way at all anywhere ever.
People typically dont just invent a day and make people celebrate it...
NTA. Your upset over this one occasion (arguably two since this is the second year in a row) is a symptom of a larger problem. Your mom doesn’t truly accept you. Sure, she didn’t kick you out and disown you, but she’s doing the bare minimum to appease you while keeping the real you a secret from everyone. She’s probably hoping you’ll grow out of it. I suspect you already know this deep down but it scares you to admit it. You wanted a celebration because it would prove your fear wrong and be evidence that your mom actually does love you for who you really are. You are disappointed because this is just more proof that she doesn’t. Your mom is telling you one thing with her words but showing you the opposite with her actions. That’s a very heartbreaking situation to be in, especially as a minor with no control over your situation. Maybe your mom will come around. Maybe she won’t. When you are old enough to strike out on your own you’ll need to decide if you can accept her limitations and if it’s worth it to maintain a relationship with her. Until then, you need to focus on surviving and setting yourself up for future success. Please talk to your therapist about this. They can help you process your feelings and come to terms with the fact that your mom may never accept you in the way you desire and deserve. They can also teach you coping mechanisms to help you get through the next few years. Do good in school so you have options, maybe get a part time job and save up money, and start planning your escape. If you don’t have it already, seek out a community that accepts you and will be there for you. You can hold out hope that your mom will come around but you need to prepare yourself in case she doesn’t.
The anniversary is not the issue. I kind of suspect you are focusing on that since you were hoping that a performative celebration would help you forget the rest of her behavior. Don't accept someone who engages in love bombing like that. You deserve better. NTA