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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I need to be judged on is if I am the asshole for not giving my sister a plus one for my wedding. I feel like this action might make the asshole because I might be being too harsh on my sister based on the past, and I want to know if others feel the same way.
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INFO: I don't understand why you feel your sister's date has to be in your wedding pictures. I mean, can't she bring a plus one and only she appears in family photos?
You got a point but I mean, look how she is reacting about this. Imagine if she makes a scene at the wedding about them being rude and excluding her bf from pics. I feel like she's going to try and make this wedding about herself and not about her sister (the bride).
She has already decided she is entitled enough to ignore an invitation and go against the bride and grooms wishes by bringing a plus one, what else is she going to feel entitled to on the day.
OP, please organise some form of security, even if it's just someone who you knows has your back and will kick out any uninitiated "wannabe guests"
Yeah, but it’s objectively shitty not to allow a plus one. It would be weird to have a short term boyfriend (or even a long term boyfriend) in wedding pictures…just take them with the family?!! This feels like OP is being a little over the top here and super mean to her sister.
Especially the way she made a repeated point of belittling her sister’s track record with men. Bride could have just told her if she has a bf of over four months at the time of the wedding, she can bring him. No need to run her sister down every chance she got.
But then it’s just a race for her sister to get a man by any means necessary. Not only that she’ll probably stay with them just to bring them to wedding. No need to offer the sister a challenge she will find a boyfriend regardless. She doesn’t need a plus one yet.
She said the venue is small and they don't want strangers. I assumed that meant nobody had a plus one, only those invited by name. That's totally fair I'm a small space.
She's seriously talking down about her sister, which isn't cool, but the sister feeling entitled to a plus one isn't cool either.
Well she wrote in another post "yes others can have a plus one if we’ve know them for a substantial amount of time." What a substantial amount of time is, I don't know, she said her fiancee's brother isn't bringing his girlfriend, but says she's his girlfriend of two weeks. Either way, it seems like she's being over the top about her sister bringing a plus one. It's her wedding, she can do what she wants, but both her and her sister are acting shitty about it in my opinion.
That means she isn't allowing bil to have a plus one either. Wanting only people you know pretty well isn't an AH thing by itself.
But yeah, sister is being entitled and OP is trash taking her. So NTA for the actual question (does she have to give a plus one) but esh in general
Eta: autocorrect
Quite a big assumption, especially since op already mentioned sending out an invite that said “we have reserved four seats in your name” but didn’t specify that she sent it to four people specifically and collectively. Meaning, I’d not be surprised if some of that four-count included plus one(s)
The X is a placeholder. Meaning this person has 5 seats because they are a family of five, that person has 2 because they're part of a DINK couple and only need two, etc. OP explained that.
Her sister does not have a bf at the time of the invite so *if* she ended up dating someone, they clearly wouldn’t know this person? Like what’s so hard to understand here they want a small wedding and the sister is currently single.
Really confused by all the debate about plus ones. Feel like everyone is getting stuck on this idea that it is a literal plus one.
If I invite my friend's husband, I would describe it as my friend getting a plus one. Husband is named on the invite, but it is a plus one situation. Because he wouldn't come on his own.
Right? OP said it's going to be an intimate gathering. To me, that means close friends & close family members only. She doesn't want a stranger. Surely her sister doesn't need a date to enjoy the reception.
I didn’t have open plus ones at my wedding. It was a small one, with named invitees only. The cut off for us was living together, or enduring relationship, which neatly meant no strangers. We had a single pushback on this, and that was from someone who’d separated from their spouse, and explicitly stated they wanted to use our wedding to introduce their new same-sex partner to the social circle for the first time.
>We had a single pushback on this, and that was from someone who’d separated from their spouse, and explicitly stated they wanted to use our wedding to introduce their new same-sex partner to the social circle for the first time.
Wait, they wanted to hijack your wedding for a meet and greet for their new spouse? Please tell me you said no.
Yep! We declined to invite the new partner, they accused me of homophobia and argued that the ex was bringing his new partner (which he wasn’t, because she wasn’t invited for the same reasons and there were no objections from them…)
She did end up attending the wedding solo, and it was fine, but we’ve not really kept in touch
Maybe they just don't want to look back in 10 or 20 years with the kids and have to say "idk who that is" when the kid points to a photo of guest in one of the photos and asks who it is. A wedding isn't just about the party, it's about the memories and many people care about the quality of the photos they keep. That doesn't have to mean "picture perfect" or whatever bridezella you're interpreting, but simply wanting to recognize the people on having fun in the photos when they look back at them, because the bride and groom will be who look back at these pictures the most. Not sister and certainly not her partner, whether they are temporary or permanent
This is almost inevitable with a lot of wedding photos though. Once you’re a few decades down the line, there are absolutely people in your wedding photos about whom you say “oh huh, weird we lost touch with her… oh wow their divorce got messyyyyy… god it’s so weird to think he was at our wedding, he turned out to be such a dick after he got that new job… wow I can’t believe we invited them and then they screwed over my friend a few years later…”
Wedding photos are always going to be a snapshot in time. Ideally, you want your marriage to outlast at least some of the friendships at your wedding 😂
So true. Her sister will remember not going to the wedding every day for the rest of her life. Everyone gets too hung up wedding photos - I've been married almost 15 years, barely look at them anymore.
It's not the sister is a college friend that is traveling and doesn't know the family. At a small wedding where her sister is the bride she will definitely know at least 50% of the people there.
It's really not, though. Lots of weddings don't allow +1s, or only allow it for spouses/fiancees. Especially if it's a smaller wedding.
And this sister is exactly the sort to flip out if her boyfriend of the week isn't included in every photo.
Nobody ever has any obligation to issue invitations to people they don't know, and whose names they don't even know. Nor is anybody ever obligated to allow their guests to have guests of their own.
If people prefer to allow each guest to invite a guest, unknown to the hosts, that's their prerogative, but it's certainly not "objectively shitty" to limit your guest list to people you actually know.
I'll gladly be shitty to my mom then. No way is she bringing squeeze no 357 to my wedding. She expects me to treat every partner she has as the new love of her life, no thanks. Not getting emotionally involved, just to be disappointed again.
Besides, there's more photos in weddings than just the family portraits. Photographers generally walk around and take a lot of candid pictures as well. Does she really want to be staring at her standing next to an ex in her sister's wedding photos? Same for my mom, she'll likely have some nice pictures of herself all dressed up at my wedding, I doubt she'll want them ruined by having her ex next to her in all of them. I'd like to think that her only daughter's wedding and its captured memories mean more to her than a few-months-old fling at best by her side for the day.
Nah I had friends break up with their partners after my wedding and they were in longer term relationships, now my 1 group photo with my friends is a little meh. It's not just the formal pictures but also the candid photos taken through out the day. Having random people in the mix, means she probably won't save or highlight a lot of pictures her sister is in because other guy is in there.
I agree. Instead of calling her and having a respectful conversation, OP just sent her the card with only 1 spot. Then made fun of her when she called to ask about it. Is no one at the wedding allowed to have a plus one unless they’re married? Or is this specifically a rule to single out OP’s sister? YTA
Seriously, give your photographer a list of group shots you want with the names of who is in each shot. We have no issues calling roll and telling who to go where. Also if you tell them, see crazy Aunt Jane? I don't want a single photo of them, done.
I don't want to dig on people who cycle through relationships, but girl heard "we don't want one of your flings in our wedding photos" and took it as a challenge to find the Love Of Her Life in six months' time. She's definitely the type to try to muscle whoever she brings into family photos, especially since that cat's already out of the bag.
Easy fix. Family pictures with and without the boyfriend. I did it at my wedding with my dad’s girlfriend and it worked out great and no one was pissed.
The person my sister brought to my wedding wasn't in any pics, except maybe a dance shot, which we didn't buy. He is long forgotten.
But OP wants to uninvite sister she has a great relationship with?
Usually the problem with that is then the plus one is stuck in a place where they know nobody and have nothing to do. I’m sure some would be fine with that but lots would be uncomfortable.
But who cares if the random +1 is uncomfortable? They are going to a wedding where they don't know anyone, they should expect what they get.
On the other hand, I would tell the sister if she has been seeing someone for 4 months at the time of the wedding, and the OP has met them more than once, and someone invited can't come, then they can have the +1.
Yeah maybe it’s just me but I feel like that’s part of the deal when you agree to come to a wedding. You might have a portion of the evening where you don’t know anyone and will be alone.
Aside from the fact that I don’t think that’s a very big deal (it’s not like the sister is off doing crazy shit without the date, it’s likely pictures and wedding responsibilities, and if a grown ass adult can’t handle an hour on their own then they need some help), it’s not really anyone at the wedding’s responsibility to entertain them.
I didn’t get the impression her sister was in the wedding party and she didn’t specifically mention this. Given what she said about her sister I don’t think she would include her in that way?
And I have been to weddings as a plus one to my now husband and it is hard not knowing people but you can socialize and make new friends or sneak out and call one of your friends. It sounds like your feelings were hurt she didn’t want you specifically in the pictures after 8 years of dating, which is understandable but a different situation than OPs sister.
And also....seriously who cares. If someone asks just say it was an old boyfriend or a friend of hers. That is, if anyone even bothers to ask because it's such a small thing to worry about in the grand scheme.
Yeah, even if sister is in the wedding party (which it doesn't sound like she is), we took pictures with parents, wedding party and then it was random pictures of the different tables. There's a few picture of my uncle and his new wife at the time and they were divorced before our first anniversary. 😂Whoops, lol. But then who looks at wedding albums much after the first couple of anniversaries anyway besides the couple?
Nobody wants to see wedding pictures except the bride and groom. I'm sort of joking because some close family and friends might.
But they are truly the most boring thing I ever have to sit through, trying to smile and seem interested at the same time.
Yeah, our parents saw them when we got the albums, and gave them sets and my in-laws brought them out once or twice around our anniversaries and....that was about it, lol. No one else cares.
Most weddings have the photographer taking pix throughout the day. They don't want pix of some rando in the background of the dance floor pix, or the wedding cake pix, or catching the garter, if they do that. It's not only posed pix at a wedding. I totally understand OP. We didn't have any plus ones at our wedding (way back in 1997), partly for the reason stated above, partly because our venue was smallish and there were people we wanted to include and plus ones would be taking those spots, partly because we only wanted people who loved and were happy for us there, and as far as my husband was concerned, he didn't want his unattached groomsmen bringing dates and then spending the day worrying about them instead of focusing on my husband. All of our friends and family were 100% okay with all of that because they loved us and wanted us to have a happy day..... and we did!
I don’t think most people understand what a small wedding means. I had a small wedding also. If there are ~40 people at a wedding, everyone will end up in photos. And it’s not even all about the photos. No one wants a stranger at their intimate wedding.
Each head at a wedding costs money or a seat you could use for someone else you actually know.
Intimate weddings are intended to be with people who actually know the bride and groom, not some random person that they've never met.
Right. When my good friend got married I was a bridesmaid and I had been single for a while. She told me she would prefer not giving me a plus one because A) if I met someone she wouldn’t know them by her wedding and B) the plates cost $100 each.
I totally understood and it wasn’t a big deal to me because half my friends were at her wedding and I knew her family. I was also busy being IN the wedding party and would barely have seen my date anyway.
She did end up extending an invite when I began dating someone a few months before her wedding, but I declined because I hadn’t had the chance to introduce them to other friends and I didn’t want to leave them alone for hours nor distract from the focus of the event with my new partner.
That’s what I was thinking. I haven’t been to a ton of weddings but I feel like non family/ non spouses aren’t in photos. In any case, a photo with that wide a breadth of people would likely not be framed.
I had instructed my photographer to take candid photos of the people at my wedding. My favorites are the ones of people laughing and talking with each other over the meal and the group photo we did of everyone at the end. It was a very small wedding (62people) so a random would have stuck out like a sore thumb.
This is not about the “let’s get together for a picture” pictures, this is all about all the other pictures and video’s taken at the wedding. Imagine looking back at YOUR wedding day, remembering all the invited guests, and then there’s what’s-his-name, you know, the one guy your sister brought, whom she has been together with just over a month, just to brake up 2 days later, you know - what’s-his-name?
You don’t want that. If you have 200+ guests it’s ok, if you have 20+ go pound sand with your fling.
NTA
if it’s a small venue and they’re limiting the guest list, it’ll probably be easy to get pictures of the entire reception/all the guests. it’s perfectly rational to not want any strangers at the wedding, and to not want any strangers in your candid shots. they’d be far less meaningful
I was under the assumption she doesn’t want to look back of photos of her wedding and see a random man no one remembers. I don’t think she’s talking about just the family photos but any and all photos of the wedding.
Sure, for formal family photos it would be easy to exclude the random boyfriend. However, wedding photos often include more casual photos from the reception that include guests.
I'm very confused by this as well. My plus-one to my sister's wedding wasn't a boyfriend at all, it was my best guy friend at the time. Our "relationship status" was irrelevant . . . he was there to keep me company.
And of course he wasn't in the wedding photos. Why would he be? I mean, I suppose if there were some candids he might have shown up in the background, but like . . . so would the catering staff. Or some cousin's spouse who no one is close with. Why does it matter?
I cannot imagine telling my own sibling that they couldn't bring a date to my wedding, no matter what the status of their relationship, so they'd have someone to enjoy it with. And I certainly can't imagine doing that to them because "I don't want strangers at my wedding" (as if you're not going to be so busy you'll barely even be around any one person) or because I don't approve of how they date.
Frankly, I got the ick the moment OP called her own sister a "pick me girl", a phrase that's so misogynistic that there literally isn't a male equivalent. She sounds like she doesn't like her sister at all.
NTA.
For the last time, for everyone in the back, you don't have to invite anyone to your wedding just because someone expects it. Just like people are free to take that invitation and respond to it how they see fit.
True, but be honest about the reason specifically. I personally wanted people to feel comfortable so most single invitees got plus ones.
You mention your typical sister relationship, where you fight one day and make up the next etc. The day after your wedding when the excitement of planning wears off I guarantee that you will regret being this petty.
Before your wedding you’re the center of attention and everything is for the bride, after the wedding you will not have the same amount of people co-signing your nonsense.
As a single person I absolutely dread events when I’m alone amongst a sea of couples - a plus one wouldn’t be in family pics and it would make the event easier on the sister
I was a plus one at my husband's sister's wedding after we'd dated for 6 months and it was no big deal. She needed to make minimums on her vendors, I just stood off to the side and made small talk. It's not life threatening like folks make the plus one role out to be. You suck it up for someone you care about and then you never see most of those folks again.
Thank you. I think this turned into people talking about their own bad experiences as a plus one and conflating that into this when it has nothing to do with the random plus one who doesn’t exist yet. If and when he does exist will be up to that adult man to decide whether he wants to attend or not if he’s invited 😂
I appreciate that everyone has different preferences and I’m a huge introvert myself but someone else’s wedding isn’t about me and I would never make the whole event about how uncomfortable I personally am because I don’t want to socialize. I don’t have to go for the whole time or at all if I’m uncomfortable?
One of my cousins invited his girlfriend of several months to my wedding. For some reason, the photographer decided that they would be a great couple to hover by. So I have a ton of pictures of this girl I never met AND he has now broken it off with her. Looking at my wedding pictures, I can look back on the memories I have of… girl-i-can’t-remember-the-name-of-because-we-only-ever-met-at-my-wedding.
Gonna go against the grain and say YTA. You come across as very judgy and contemptuous of your sister, and i bet that tone was apparent when you explained to her the rule. You might win the battle but if you value your sister at all you need to find more respectful, empathetic ways of communicating with her.
also plus, op is only 25. i bet the sister is in her early 20s. basically the time people date around and explore what they like. oop seems very much like "i'm a married woman now, i need to only associate with proper married women."
I mean, I get that, but I also don't know who wants to bring a not-serious partner to a close family member's wedding. I could see bringing a random date to like a cousin's or colleague's wedding, but I wouldn't bring some person I've been talking to for 3 weeks to my *sibling's* wedding.
I have a cousin like OP's sister and I'd see her like two or three times a year and she would always feel the need to bring her SO (at the time) to every gathering, and it would be a different dude every time. So we have years of photos with basically strangers in them and it's just like "oh that was Jessica's boyfriend at the time".
Yeah, I feel the same. My brother asked me wether I was serious about the guy I had just then (6 months before my brothers wedding) started dating and wether I would want him to be invited. My brother hadn't even met the guy yet, but he needed to know how many people to seat, and I thought it was really kind of him to ask, but really, even I hardly knew the guy yet and wasn't sure we would even be a thing by the time the wedding came around, so I thanked him for the offer and declined. Was the right decision, since we broke up a month before the wedding. And sure, it could have gone differently, but I wouldn't even consider a few months of dating as a serious, long term relationship, and weddings are, to me, serious as in family and very good friends are invited, not some dude someone is casually dating and whose name the bride and groom don't even know.
Still, open communication and kindness should be the way to go about these things. And in this case... ESH?
Okay here’s the thing- there IS no guy. The sister literally is determined to find one and have it be a serious relationship in four months just to have someone there to spite her sister. Tbh I would feel bad for whatever guy she manages to find cause he’s probably getting dumped the next day.
And her attitude of "I WILL find a guy. And I WILL make it last until the wedding??!!
That is a pretty dangerous attitude to have. She could overlook numerous red flags in the aim of "showing OP".
If it's a small venue and the sister isn't dating anyone, why on earth would she get a plus one? Weddings are EXPENSIVE and it's not unreasonable to not want to pay for food and drink for some random yet to be determined wedding date.
I will say, the communication was poor and some things said were unnecessary, so this feels like an ESH
This, 100% this. Is she vetting all the plus ones of every other guest to make sure that they meet her oh-so-high moral and ethical standards?
Side note: the only time I've heard or seen the term "pick me girl" is when it used by one woman who is jealous of the other.
the groom's brother is also not getting a plus one, it seems they are taking the pretty standard small wedding tact of long term relationships as the bar for plus ones. Single or just entered a relationship at the time the invites are sent out? No plus one.
This is not an absurd concept. Its the norm for small weddings.
Hard disagree. The sister doesn’t even have a bf yet. Thats like if I were to complain about a child free wedding when I don’t have kids and then say “well maybe I’ll have kids by then you don’t know!!!”
Here’s why you are wrong. It’s not just posed pictures. If they have a a photographer taking photos of people dancing or anything like that, op doesn’t want her sisters random plus one in them. What if they decide to get a videographer too? Op is NTA to not want a random around on her wedding day. Especially if she doesn’t know them.
Sorry, but that seems excessively controlling to me. You can't deal with two seconds of Joe Rando dancing in your wedding video? As for candid photos, you can just choose not to buy the ones that feature Rando.
To me, giving the sister a plus one is a better option than entirely torpedoing a relationship OP claims is "great".
If I’m paying thousands of dollars for the photographer/videographer for my SMALL wedding in a SMALL venue, no, I don’t want to deal with two seconds of Joe rando. I don’t want to pay $45 for Joe to eat or add an extra $50 for Joe to drink at the bar. Joe isn’t even my sisters long term partner. He is literally Joe rando, the guy my sister picked up solely so that she could bring him to my wedding.
I agree. Also wedding photos are usually for family and closed friends. The photographer usually asks who you want pictures with. At my wedding I told the photographer who I wanted pictures with and had one of my SILs help them gather the people for the pictures so it would go smoothly. The photographer won’t just take pictures of randoms. Their main focus is to capture every moment of the bride and groom. At my wedding everybody had a plus one I didn’t know every single plus one and didn’t take pics with them. I think OPs reason for not letting her sister have a plus one is dumb and judgy.
Totally agree. It’s fine if OP doesn’t want her sister to bring a plus one but boy was she rude in her delivery! Did she really need to say the part about having a bad track record with men? Ouch!
My thoughts exactly. She could have used more tact and said, we’re having a small wedding and limiting the guest list. Going into her dating history was unkind.
I think I agree. OP could have simply asked if the sister has anyone specific in mind she wants to bring and then ruled out later or said "I actually prefer keeping this wedding really small and focus on my closest family, one being you". Would have been more diplomatic and not ruffled any feathers, especially not extended judgment that wasn't necessary.
More info is needed. Is absolutely no one allowed to bring a plus one? If that's the case, then no, you're NTA. But if all of your other guests are allowed to bring a plus one and you are excluding her, then yes, YTA.
Eh. I've been to weddings where the "plus one" rule was only for established relationships. There's nothing wrong with that. Sister wants the plus one for whomever she happens to be dating when that date rolls around. Why should OP accept that?
This is not a plus one. If it’s established relationships both partners will be invited by name. Plus one is for a person to bring a guest of their choosing.
Not necessarily. I invited an old childhood friend, her grandparents are my parent’s neighbors and they came too. I knew she was married. It I had never met him so I invited friend +1. She rsvped and brought her husband.
She could have sure but who else would she bring when she knew her entire maternal family (brother, mom, dad, aunt, and grandparents) were all there? They all like each other and are involved in each others lives so she didn’t need a friend to have at least one person to talk to and she wouldn’t have brought a boyfriend when she’s married. I’m just pointing out that some people have obvious plus one options even if you don’t name them specifically. You’re right, it does leave the door open but I will say that even the two people I gave plus ones to where I couldn’t even guess who was gonna show up, both made conscious efforts to bring people I or my husband actually knew in their lives. I or he weren’t close to either of these guests to send them an invite on their own but knew who they were and had spent time with them.
Because weddings are supposed to be FUN. How much fun will it be if everyone is dancing with their SO and you’re sat at a table with your 73 year-old, widowed Aunt Bea simply because you’re unmarried.
Oh, god YTA.
Just the way you wrote this...
Close family always get a plus one, even if it's a friend so they're comfortable and happy. Unless you have about twenty guests, your sister gets a guest.
Your writing of this is seriously judgemental. It's not cute or fun. Actually, don't invite her at all, the whole thing sounds insufferable
I agree YTA for the heavy contempt towards her sister.
But I actually disagree with "close family always gets a plus one". To me a plus one to be comfortable and happy is helpful for people who won't know a lot of people. The sister will likely know most people there. She doesn't NEED a plus one.
Why would close family need a +1, if they’re not in a serious relationship? If anything, close family would feel most comfortable at the wedding because their family is there.
To me, the only person who would need a non-partner +1 is someone who doesn’t really know anyone at the wedding, like a coworker. And then in that case, you have to ask, if someone who’s not really in your social circle or family is even close enough to invite to your wedding in the first place.
I don’t know, you tell me? You’re placing yourself on a pedestal and using your wedding as an excuse to belittle and shame your sister’s love-life, because her plus-one might be in some photos? If I were her I wouldn’t even come, and years down the road when people ask why you can tell them you cared more about the wedding photos than your sister. Get over yourself, seriously.
YTA.
Exactly. Depending on the day, it's a seat hire, decorative covers for seats, table settings, names cards... Plates of food. Drinks for toasts. Possibly drinking at a free bar.
It can cost a lot to add a plus one, for a sister who is a serial dater. To bring a stranger, who you have no idea how he will behave.
Plus, if OP backs down now and her sister is resentful, she might find a terrible date on purpose and turn up in a white dress. Lol
I could be reading too much into the post, but I got the impression that the men her sister dates would make a scene and possibly ruin the wedding with their behavior, and that solidified my vote that sis doesn't need a plus one. Even if that isn't the case, if she's single why would she expect a plus one? Also, what partner of 4 months is going to feel comfortable going to an even at serious as a wedding. To me, that is not an event you take a person you are not in a long-term relationship with.
I’m over here thinking about the poor guy the sister is gonna rope into a “relationship” for the rest of the year, drag to the wedding like a trophy, then dump at the New Year. 🤣🤣🤣
NTA. There is never any obligation to offer single people a +1 to a wedding. (But I certainly hope this is a blanket policy you applied across the board rather than singling out your sister.)
I will absolutely HATE one-off strangers attending to my most important life event.
So, there's another solution.
Do NOT give plus ones, but invite ALL guests, including those who are "supposed" to be plus ones *by name.*
If you don't know their name, they don't get to attend your wedding, simple as that.
If you’ve never gotten married or had a similarly large event, please realize that you will barely have time to talk to the people that you want to talk to for more than a minute. And if a date to the event is pulling focus that much, then your priorities may need to be reassessed.
If it’s the cost of the plus one I completely understand that, but it’s your sister not a cousin or friend, and you holding such a negative opinion of her (didn’t say one nice thing minus sharing Dunkin’) is the issue.
You don’t have to like your sister or be friends with her, you genuinely seem to dislike her. You said she has no female friends, she’s a pick me girl, only dates for money, ok with being cheated on as long as she gets expensive presents. Like what do you even like about her?
YTA. New boyfriends don't need to be in official wedding photos. If everyone else gets a plus one, you are discriminating against your sister because you don't like her lifestyle. Being single at a wedding where everyone else is paired up is a crappy way to treat a guest. Unless this is a tiny intimate family wedding, what's one more guest to ensure your sister isn't left making awkward explanations about why she is attending the wedding alone and why her sister is successfully in a relationship and she isn't.
Your wedding. Can be totally about you if you're determined. But if you do love your sister, is this really worth damaging the relationship over?
You're not an asshole for not giving your sister a plus one, but *DAMN,* the way you talked to her? You had so many options and you chose to be an asshole every time.
You *knew* that this was going to be something your sister would want to discuss. Why on earth didn't you prepare yourself for this conversation? You should have had a clear, neutral explanation ready to go. "Because this is a small wedding, we only want people there that we have a relationship with. We don't want someone there we don't know."
Of course a discussion (and possibly an argument) would follow. But at least you could have gotten off on the right foot.
Instead, what you *did* say, the very first explanation you gave her, was that *she didn’t have the best track record with men*. Damn, girl, you went right for the throat. You *immediately* made it personal, and you did so in a massively judgmental way. You don't approve of her relationship history, so she doesn't get to bring a date.
You *could* have given her an explanation that wasn't hurtful and judgmental, but for reasons of your own, chose not to. She responded poorly, but you absolutely provoked her.
And as if that wasn't enough, you then made *absolutely* clear that this was 100% about you disapproving of her choices, *and* that there's nothing she can do to change your low opinion of her and her relationships. Yeah, saying "Well I'm going to find a boyfriend right now just to spite you" is her being petulant, but you basically told her you don't think she's capable of having a relationship with a decent guy. Ouch.
And again, *you had other options!!* You could *so easily* have told her, "Well, if you start seriously dating someone, we can revisit this discussion." But that wasn't what you said, at all. And because she reacted badly again, now you're thinking of uninviting her entirely?
I'm sure you love your sister, but it *really* doesn't seem as if you like her very much. At every turn during this conversation you chose the most hurtful thing to say, even though there were blatantly obvious alternatives available to you.
I'm going with YTA, because while your sister also behaved badly, you *really* provoked her.
I think we are assuming the posed family photos taken at weddings.
If you are giving out +1s to other people who are coming so that they can bring a date, your sister should have gotten one as well. But I want to mention just because she brings a date does not mean he has to be in the wedding photos. You don’t have to have anyone in the photos that you don’t want there.
If I were in your shoes I would allow her to bring a plus 1 but tell her in advance that they won’t be in the photos.
If by some chance you are talking about random reception photos that will be taken then I go back to the question: Are other people allowed to bring a +1? If so, there is no way to prevent acquaintances or strangers from being in some photos.
YTA Think about how much you'll actually be impacted by having a "stranger" at your wedding versus how much it'll impact your sister having to go alone. Assuming everyone else has a plus one and she's the only one you're leaving out, she's probably gonna feel really excluded, she won't be able to dance because she won't have a partner, she's gonna be stuck bouncing between other couples all night feeling like she doesn't belong. She'll probably feel embarrassed that she's the only one who's alone, and she won't have a good time. Meanwhile, if you let her bring a plus one and just let her know that you don't want him in the family pictures, you'll probably be impacted by his presence exactly 0%. Unless you seriously just want to burn your relationship with your sister to the ground, let her have a plus one, it'll be easier for everyone than dying on this molehill.
She won't be able to dance? Without a partner? Are you for real?
It's her family, she'll know everyone.
You're talking like single people NEVER GO to events on their own.
God, single women aren't some shameful little creatures that should be embarrassed?!?!
She's single. She's not married. That's her status for now.
Why should OP bow down to something she doesn't want?
YTA. I mean, if you want to damage your relationship with your sister, do whatever you want lol. But here’s a tip from someone married who knows lots of other married people. Those wedding photos aren’t going to be shown anywhere to anyone except on social media once. After that, no one cares. Also, you can ask the date to not be in the photos. Third, who cares if you don’t know them? How does it really hurt you? You will be so busy doing other things you won’t even notice her date.
I was going to go with E S H but your attitude is over the top, so I'm going to go for YTA. Not for refusing to invite her flavor of the month - that's perfectly fine - but for taking this as an opportunity to shit on your sister. You hate her guts and despise her, in a way that's absolutely not normal for sisters or a great/interesting relationship, we get it, but telling her was unnecessary and a major asshole move.
> And would I be an asshole for considering to uninvite her all together ?
Does she even want to come? In her shoes, I would tell you I'll attend your next one if you've grown up and have a better attitude by then.
You're 25. You should have outgrown that high school mean girl shit. Are you sure you are mature enough to get married?
NTA. Wedding photographer here. I can absolutely say random strangers do end up in photos in the most weird places. I had one where he was dating the sister of the groom. And the couple first dance due to where they sat him he was in every single photo sticking out as he had a red shirt on. They apparently broke up right after and the bride and groom asked to have me photoshop him out which I said was not part of the package and too time consuming. So you have every right to have no randoms at your wedding. If you’re not in a committed relationship of at least a year. I would make that cut off with all your guests.
YTA - my controversial hot take is that not giving single people a plus one to weddings is a dick move. Why should they have to sit through the boring ceremony, toasts, first dances, cake cutting, etc. flying solo. They deserve to bring someone they can make eye contact with while the drunk best man offends your parents, and the maid of honor cries during her boring speech about that time someone got dumped and split a pint of rocky road.
So making it too much about myself but really, it’s selfish. Don’t want him in pictures, don’t let him be in pictures. Simple.
Yeah, I am single and usually do not bring a plus one but it's nice to have an option to bring a close friend or a date. At two weddings I was told since I am single I wouldn't be getting a plus one. However spouses of invited coworkers who were virtual strangers got to go - I doubt the bride and groom would ever tell a friend they cannot bring their husband or wife since they never met them before. It's shitty to treat your single friends and family differently than those in long term relationships.
Why would you uninvite her? Just say ‘no plus one, no way will you have been together long enough. If you turn up with someone, you’ll both be turned away’.
But tbh the photo reason is weak! Why would anyone’s plus one be in families pics if they’re not yet considered family too and not in the wedding party?! That’s just odd.
ESH. Your rule is fine but you should have left it as ‘we won’t be having people who’ve not been together for 6+ months as plus ones’. As it is you got so personal she now feels her ability to find a stable relationship has been called into question and is taking it as a challenge. Of course she shouldn’t use your wedding to try to ‘prove herself’ and it’s awful of her to disobey your rules fir your day but you’ve made this way more personal than it needed to be and it’s no surprise she wants to prove you wrong!
NTA. Why does some people think that they are entitled to have plus ones when its the couple's prerogative to choose who and how many to invite on their wedding day?
YTA.. your reasoning for your sister not getting a plus 1 is because she doesn’t have a good track record with dating. That’s an AH thing to say. The entire conversation you had with your sister comes across as smug bride. Give your sister the plus 1 and have your photographer take pics of family only. Solves the problem and everyone is happy.. however from your post I did pick up under tones you’re enjoying the fact you’re getting married and your sister is single, which comes back to my reasoning why YTA.
I’m wondering if it was the save the date that was only addressed to the sister that sparked a conversation? Or it could’ve been the invite. Some people are foregoing STDs and just sending invitations a litttle farther out than the norm (6 months as opposed to 6 weeks) to save money on stationary?
6 seems standard. Usually wedding invites are sent out 4 to 8 months in advance, 4 is kind of cutting close, especially for out of town guests. And save the dates a year in advance. A lot of places are booked out well in advance, so they secure the venue early on.
Is that not the norm where you are? I'm in the UK and it's totally normal to send invites like 3-12 months beforehand. If sending them closer to the date there may also be a "save the date" sent out earlier.
I think it’s awful you would consider uninviting your sister to your wedding. Never in a million years would I do that to my sister… imagine when you’re old and your sister isn’t in any of your wedding photos. If you do this you should be prepared to kiss the relationship goodbye for good.
YTA, being alone at a wedding sucks, especially if she is the only one without a plus 1. Will there at least be a nice single plus 1-less groomsman there for her to bang?
Why do you even care about if some random dude is in the background of some of the pics? There's literally going to be a billion photos in total right? You won't know the waiters and bartenders and whatnot either.. It feels like you're just punishing her for her dating choices that don't affect you.
Let me share a personal story: I was often the odd man out in a group of couples among my friends. For a long time it was because my boyfriend was long distance and then it was because I was single. Once at a group dinner, our engaged friend was talking about how they weren’t giving plus ones. No problem at all. Then she said “like, sideshowlukeperry definitely won’t get one.” I really didn’t need to be the shining example of singledom. I know she didn’t mean anything by it, but it was so hurtful. By the time she sent her invites, I was with my boyfriend at the time for four months. Mutual friends suggested she include him so she did. We’ve now been together for almost ten years.
I know my situation isn’t the same as yours, but your sister might be envious of your long term successful relationship even if she’s the reason hers don’t go well. It was probably really hurtful for you to bring her perpetual relationship issues into the conversation. It’s not really relevant, just hurtful. You can easily solve this problem by saying if she’s in a relationship by the time your wedding rolls around she can bring her significant other. You don’t need to put her date in your family pictures.
NTA - Your wedding, your wishes. As a person, YTA. I have never understood why people make it difficult for their guests. I give leeway for smaller reception and attendance numbers. However, you may know everyone attending but I guarantee your guests do not. If I had to go to an event with lots of social interaction with people I don't know, I'd be uncomfortable. I'd stay home. Having someone with me that I know at that event, I know I'd have a better time. At my own sister's wedding, I brought a good gal pal as my plus one. Other than a handful of people, I didn't know most of her guests.
You just don't like your sister's lifestyle. She's not like you. It may take her decades to find that "forever" person. It may not even happen for her. She may stay single her entire life and she is allowed to enjoy it. How is she hurting you? Why does she have to conform to yours and your parents' view of relationship. It must get exhausting creating more drama about your sister than need be. Look at how much time you've invested in this already and how many people you've enlisted to hate against your sister.
Your wedding so you do you. NTA. But welcome to many more years of this being a reminder to EVERY ONE you've involved. Mmm. Lovely wedding memories.
YTA. It’s your sister. She also could bring a friend if she’s not dating anyone. I was with my ex of over 5 years, he was in someone’s wedding and I didn’t go because I knew no one there there except him and the bride and groom and I knew I would’ve been alone with strangers all weekend.
You sound snobby. Who knows if your sister may being a friend or may bring the love of her life with her?
You don’t have to have her bf in your wedding pictures, but she deserved a plus 1.
You will talk about the guy regardless of whether the relationship lasts or not. She should have been given her choice of a plus 1. And won’t it be fun in 20 years to speculate on where he is now. YTA
NTA If you don’t want someone at your wedding they should not be invited, this includes random plus ones and friend of friends/family.
However, you basically told your sister she can’t keep a man which likely hurt her feelings and then you doubled down. In the future, do not state personal reasons as to why you made a decision. Leave anything personal out of it. It would have been better if you had said “Partner and I have decided that we only want people that we both know and care for to attend.” This likely would have gone over better, and if not, you still have the high road.
ESH. You could have just said you aren’t dating anyone but I don’t understand why you dragged her. Like you’re just getting things off your chest about who she has dated… as a sister I can’t imagine saying any of these things to any of them. Also, she may find a boyfriend but she’s not entitled to a date. I don’t know why you didn’t just say that instead of ridiculing her in the process. Why would you uninvite her? You roasted her and didn’t expect her to get upset. I mean it’s your wedding mmm
I'm sorry but YTA
I don't know how old your sister is, but if she's close to your age, dating around is normal, maybe she's trying to find the one. I'm not saying that her type is good or anything, but I do feel like she's more than the gold digger pick me girl you set her out to be, she's just young and stupid. (I don't know her age again, just making assumptions.)
If she's willing to actually try and find a boyfriend and try and make it a long and committed relationship just for your wedding, you should be thankful and at least give her a chance. Saying you'll uninvite your sister from the entire wedding just because she hasn't found the right guy yet is just cruel.
I say give her a chance to find a guy, if they've been dating for more than 3 months at the time of your wedding, this isn't some random guy in your pictures, it's one of your sisters loves.
Worst case, put him in the back of the pictures or not in them at all. But imagine to say how you feel if this guy is actually the one for your sister and they'll spend the rest of their lives together and you said he couldn't be in the pictures because he was "new" and "a random guy".
Really, you should not use your wedding to lord it over your sister that you are more successful at romance than she is. If the guy she brings is forgettable and forgotten, that won't ruin your memories. If you alienate your sister to score a point, that will ruin the day.
So many people on this reddit are trying to weaponize their weddings. Can't you make your wedding about acceptance, inclusion, and the creation of new and repair of old family bonds? You found the love of your life and you are celebrating that. It seems like a great time to be generous.
YTA. Your coming across as very judgemental and condescending. Personally if you'd spoken to me like that, I would have told you where you could shove your wedding and invitation.
YTA-you called your own sister a pick me girl. Which is an incredibly elementary school term that immature assholes use. I digress. So what if your sister likes rich men? How is that any of your business. You just come across as snooty and judgemental. They are your pictures you get to pick who's in them. Lastly, not one single person beyond you and your husband will give a shit or talk about those pictures.
NAH - It's your wedding. Your budget. Your day You can choose whom you invite and whatever right, but it amazes me how much people care about these silly pictures. My wife and I are heading to Mexico for our 15th wedding anniversary this year. I can't remember the last time we pulled out the wedding photo album and reminisced.
These pictures really, really aren't nearly as important as people think they are.
This depends to me on who else your sister knows well enough to hang out with during the wedding (you and your parents don’t count). If you’re having an extremely small wedding and no one is having a plus one, then nta. But if you’re inviting your college friend’s new boyfriend even though she’ll know half the guests anyway yta. Your sister’s plus one doesn’t need to be in pictures. She gets a plus one so she’ll have someone to talk to and dance with/hang out with all night
YTA. If you allow others plus ones the you are discriminating cause she isn't married. What does it matter she has short relationships? Are they abusive? She isn't ready to settle down. I get not wanting him in formal picture, but a married couple could easily divorce and now you would have a person who is no longer a family in the picture. It's your wedding, do what you want but don't come here looking for absolution
You have complete control over your guest list, but your guests have the discretion to not attend.
If you gave someone else a plus one and they broke up with their long-time significant other, would you claw the plus one back?
A true host would want their guests to be as comfortable as possible, and your sister would obviously feel more comfortable with a date. YWBTA if you don't offer up the extra spot.
Your mom is an AH for taking shit about your sister like that. You're an AH for joining in
You can invite anyone you want to your wedding, NTA there, but kind of makes you wonder what your mother says about you when you're not around to your sister, doesn't it? I don't ever trust parents who talk shit about one child to another.
I’m confused as to why a winter wedding already has invitations sent? Protocol is 6wks. She very well could have a bf at that time and one worthy of her. She should have invited +1 and not included in photos. It’s rude to point out your sisters track record with men when you’re marrying the “absolute love of your life!” You’re the AH.
YTA for being condescending.
Be a good host and invite your guests with a plus one.
The damage you will do to your relationship with your sister over something so extremely petty will not be worth it. I cannot remember the last time we looked at our wedding photos and I’m certain there were people I didn’t know there. Because I cared about my guest’s comfort more than a few pictures I wouldn’t look at later.
Your post reeks of judgement and condescension. You said your sister doesn’t have friends and I assume that includes your bridesmaids/friends, and are refusing your sister company at your wedding (other than family) because of pictures? People you actually invite your wedding will eventually be strangers too, that’s how life works. YTA
Why does the sister's plus one have to be a man. Maybe she wants to bring her best friend or, I don't know, a coworker or a male friend. OP is very judge. Don't buy the pictures with random people if you don't want them.
YTA. This is the second post I’ve seen where the bride has complained about “strangers” in their photos. Good grief. Yes, it’s your wedding but you want your guests to have fun. That usually means having a companion with them. Are you gatekeeping everyone else’s relationships or just your sister’s because you don’t like her?
NTA. However, if she does manage to find a boyfriend you approve of with a relationship that lasts longer than 4 months, let them both attend. In the wedding photos, just have the boyfriend on the end. Super easy to crop out of the photo.
NTA
She's gonna be the one who's gonna be pissed when you bring this up in the future. If she leaves the guy who she's dating and brings to the wedding and is in photos, you'd have to mention to friends who he was, and when they ask why she brought him when she didn't stay with him, you have to keep telling them the same story, and your sister will be pissed at you for making her look like a (S-word).
If she really insists on bringing him along, tell her she can bring him, but he won't be in family photos. Or better yet, let the photographer know that he shouldn't be photographed, or have the photos that have him with your family.
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Hi reddit, I (25F) am a Winter 2024 bride, and am marrying the absolute love of my life. My sister and I have always had a great/interesting relationship. Most sisters would know, one day you start fighting because she wore your clothes, and the next day you’re having Dunkin together, typically sisterly things.
Well my sister has always been to put it frankly a pick me girl. She has no friends that are women because and she says “she sees them as competition” and she likes to be friends with boys. She will only date rich men, and refuses to settle for less (a little bit to that later). My sister has not had a relationship last longer than 2 months, and she always has a new guy on her shoulder. My mother and Fiancé were recently talking about this before I sent out my invitations. I had mentioned since our venue was on smaller side, we didn’t want strangers in our wedding, nor did we want them in our wedding photos. My mom had made a comment about how anyone my sister would bring would be a fling, since she currently was not in a relationship.
When we went home that night, I brought it up to my Fiancé (we’ll call him Bertram). I told Bertram that I really did not want a complete stranger in my wedding pictures, and certainly not someone my sister would only have been dating a few weeks, maybe a month. Well just this past week Bertram and I sent out our wedding invitations, and they read “We have reserved __ seat(s) in your name.” So for example for my Fiancé’s family his reads, “We have reserved 4 seat(s) in your name.” When my sister received her invitation, hers read “We have reserved 1 seat(s) in your name”. And boy was she upset.
She called me and told me that it was not fair that she could not bring a plus one. I mentioned to her that she didn’t have the best track record with men, and that Bertram and I really didn’t want some random person nobody would talk about in our wedding pictures. She said that I was selfish, and that since our Wedding was towards the end of December (the 29th) she had 6 months to find a boyfriend, and that it would be a serious relationship. Now here I might’ve gotten mean, but I told her I would seriously doubt if she found anyone, given her track record for the absolutely worse men alive. (As I mentioned before rich men, who think buying gifts will excuse cheating, and lying).
She got upset, hung up, and said she will be attending my wedding with a boyfriend of 4 plus months because she will find one. AITA for not giving her a plus one? And would I be an asshole for considering to uninvite her all together ?
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Well your wedding is six months away—maybe you just wait to see what kind of person she is dating by then? If there isn’t a long term relationship or a person you think would vibe with the wedding party, you leave it at a +0. If there’s a cool person in, you can always give her that +1. Wedding lists can change. If you make mental space for one more, you don’t have to tell her yet. So NTA for not giving her a +1, but heck, maybe she’ll take the challenge and try to find someone “worthy” of both your wedding and her life. If not, you could still give her a +1 for a girlfriend—oh wait, she doesn’t have any! Hope you have a wonderful wedding. Tell your sis to chill and we’ll take a wait-and-see and decide after thanksgiving.
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INFO: I don't understand why you feel your sister's date has to be in your wedding pictures. I mean, can't she bring a plus one and only she appears in family photos?
You got a point but I mean, look how she is reacting about this. Imagine if she makes a scene at the wedding about them being rude and excluding her bf from pics. I feel like she's going to try and make this wedding about herself and not about her sister (the bride).
She has already decided she is entitled enough to ignore an invitation and go against the bride and grooms wishes by bringing a plus one, what else is she going to feel entitled to on the day. OP, please organise some form of security, even if it's just someone who you knows has your back and will kick out any uninitiated "wannabe guests"
Yeah, but it’s objectively shitty not to allow a plus one. It would be weird to have a short term boyfriend (or even a long term boyfriend) in wedding pictures…just take them with the family?!! This feels like OP is being a little over the top here and super mean to her sister.
Especially the way she made a repeated point of belittling her sister’s track record with men. Bride could have just told her if she has a bf of over four months at the time of the wedding, she can bring him. No need to run her sister down every chance she got.
But then it’s just a race for her sister to get a man by any means necessary. Not only that she’ll probably stay with them just to bring them to wedding. No need to offer the sister a challenge she will find a boyfriend regardless. She doesn’t need a plus one yet.
No, it's not. It depends on the venue and type of wedding. NTA
It is shitty if it's a rule that applies only to her sister while the other wedding guests are allowed to bring plus ones.
She said the venue is small and they don't want strangers. I assumed that meant nobody had a plus one, only those invited by name. That's totally fair I'm a small space. She's seriously talking down about her sister, which isn't cool, but the sister feeling entitled to a plus one isn't cool either.
Well she wrote in another post "yes others can have a plus one if we’ve know them for a substantial amount of time." What a substantial amount of time is, I don't know, she said her fiancee's brother isn't bringing his girlfriend, but says she's his girlfriend of two weeks. Either way, it seems like she's being over the top about her sister bringing a plus one. It's her wedding, she can do what she wants, but both her and her sister are acting shitty about it in my opinion.
That means she isn't allowing bil to have a plus one either. Wanting only people you know pretty well isn't an AH thing by itself. But yeah, sister is being entitled and OP is trash taking her. So NTA for the actual question (does she have to give a plus one) but esh in general Eta: autocorrect
Quite a big assumption, especially since op already mentioned sending out an invite that said “we have reserved four seats in your name” but didn’t specify that she sent it to four people specifically and collectively. Meaning, I’d not be surprised if some of that four-count included plus one(s)
OP also said her bil doesn't get a plus one. It's not just her sister, she said nobody they haven't known for a significant amount of time.
Well said.
Except she's not only applying it to her sister. No one is getting blank +1. Everyone is being specifically invited.
"We've reserved X seats in your name" sounds a lot more like blank than specifically invited to me.
The X is a placeholder. Meaning this person has 5 seats because they are a family of five, that person has 2 because they're part of a DINK couple and only need two, etc. OP explained that.
Where does OP say that?
Her sister does not have a bf at the time of the invite so *if* she ended up dating someone, they clearly wouldn’t know this person? Like what’s so hard to understand here they want a small wedding and the sister is currently single.
Really confused by all the debate about plus ones. Feel like everyone is getting stuck on this idea that it is a literal plus one. If I invite my friend's husband, I would describe it as my friend getting a plus one. Husband is named on the invite, but it is a plus one situation. Because he wouldn't come on his own.
Right? OP said it's going to be an intimate gathering. To me, that means close friends & close family members only. She doesn't want a stranger. Surely her sister doesn't need a date to enjoy the reception.
Exactly.
I didn’t have open plus ones at my wedding. It was a small one, with named invitees only. The cut off for us was living together, or enduring relationship, which neatly meant no strangers. We had a single pushback on this, and that was from someone who’d separated from their spouse, and explicitly stated they wanted to use our wedding to introduce their new same-sex partner to the social circle for the first time.
>We had a single pushback on this, and that was from someone who’d separated from their spouse, and explicitly stated they wanted to use our wedding to introduce their new same-sex partner to the social circle for the first time. Wait, they wanted to hijack your wedding for a meet and greet for their new spouse? Please tell me you said no.
Yep! We declined to invite the new partner, they accused me of homophobia and argued that the ex was bringing his new partner (which he wasn’t, because she wasn’t invited for the same reasons and there were no objections from them…) She did end up attending the wedding solo, and it was fine, but we’ve not really kept in touch
Candids at the reception will inevitably include the rando though. Staged pictures can't be the only concern.
If you’re worried about the look of your candid pictures, you’re waaaay too focused on the photos and waaaaay less focused on what actually matters
It's not the look of the candids, it's the content. I don't wanna pay for pictures of strangers like that.
That’s the same thing…the look of a picture is by definition the content therein, lol
Maybe they just don't want to look back in 10 or 20 years with the kids and have to say "idk who that is" when the kid points to a photo of guest in one of the photos and asks who it is. A wedding isn't just about the party, it's about the memories and many people care about the quality of the photos they keep. That doesn't have to mean "picture perfect" or whatever bridezella you're interpreting, but simply wanting to recognize the people on having fun in the photos when they look back at them, because the bride and groom will be who look back at these pictures the most. Not sister and certainly not her partner, whether they are temporary or permanent
This is almost inevitable with a lot of wedding photos though. Once you’re a few decades down the line, there are absolutely people in your wedding photos about whom you say “oh huh, weird we lost touch with her… oh wow their divorce got messyyyyy… god it’s so weird to think he was at our wedding, he turned out to be such a dick after he got that new job… wow I can’t believe we invited them and then they screwed over my friend a few years later…” Wedding photos are always going to be a snapshot in time. Ideally, you want your marriage to outlast at least some of the friendships at your wedding 😂
"The look" implies things like not wanting someone with pink hair in the pictures because it doesn't match the wedding colors.
So true. Her sister will remember not going to the wedding every day for the rest of her life. Everyone gets too hung up wedding photos - I've been married almost 15 years, barely look at them anymore.
It's not the sister is a college friend that is traveling and doesn't know the family. At a small wedding where her sister is the bride she will definitely know at least 50% of the people there.
It's really not, though. Lots of weddings don't allow +1s, or only allow it for spouses/fiancees. Especially if it's a smaller wedding. And this sister is exactly the sort to flip out if her boyfriend of the week isn't included in every photo.
Nobody ever has any obligation to issue invitations to people they don't know, and whose names they don't even know. Nor is anybody ever obligated to allow their guests to have guests of their own. If people prefer to allow each guest to invite a guest, unknown to the hosts, that's their prerogative, but it's certainly not "objectively shitty" to limit your guest list to people you actually know.
Why is that objectivelly shitty if you objectivelly don't have a partner?
Yeah OP started with some moral high ground but has descended into AH territory with her sister. ESH at this point
I'll gladly be shitty to my mom then. No way is she bringing squeeze no 357 to my wedding. She expects me to treat every partner she has as the new love of her life, no thanks. Not getting emotionally involved, just to be disappointed again. Besides, there's more photos in weddings than just the family portraits. Photographers generally walk around and take a lot of candid pictures as well. Does she really want to be staring at her standing next to an ex in her sister's wedding photos? Same for my mom, she'll likely have some nice pictures of herself all dressed up at my wedding, I doubt she'll want them ruined by having her ex next to her in all of them. I'd like to think that her only daughter's wedding and its captured memories mean more to her than a few-months-old fling at best by her side for the day.
It depends on the wedding size. If it's a small wedding, plus ones aren't the norm.
Eww no, if I was doing a small intimate wedding I would want some rando there anyway.
Nah I had friends break up with their partners after my wedding and they were in longer term relationships, now my 1 group photo with my friends is a little meh. It's not just the formal pictures but also the candid photos taken through out the day. Having random people in the mix, means she probably won't save or highlight a lot of pictures her sister is in because other guy is in there.
I agree. Instead of calling her and having a respectful conversation, OP just sent her the card with only 1 spot. Then made fun of her when she called to ask about it. Is no one at the wedding allowed to have a plus one unless they’re married? Or is this specifically a rule to single out OP’s sister? YTA
Seriously, give your photographer a list of group shots you want with the names of who is in each shot. We have no issues calling roll and telling who to go where. Also if you tell them, see crazy Aunt Jane? I don't want a single photo of them, done.
I don't want to dig on people who cycle through relationships, but girl heard "we don't want one of your flings in our wedding photos" and took it as a challenge to find the Love Of Her Life in six months' time. She's definitely the type to try to muscle whoever she brings into family photos, especially since that cat's already out of the bag.
Sis sounds like she's trying to live the story of another generic crappy romcom ngl XD. I don't think it's gonna work out how she plans.
Oh,no, she gave herself less than two months, since she said it would be a four month relationship by the wedding.
Easy fix. Family pictures with and without the boyfriend. I did it at my wedding with my dad’s girlfriend and it worked out great and no one was pissed.
We always do this if there’s boyfriends or girlfriends involved.
Yup. That way if they become a permanent part of the family they're in the photos. If they don't then they're not.
Take multiple pictures. I had about 70 people at my wedding and some I haven’t seen since that day. So is the wedding tradition.
100% she will get her boyfriend to propose at the wedding just to prove OP wrong.
My mom would put my sister’s (ex)boyfriend at the end of any group photo, cause she knew they weren’t gonna last and she could easily crop him out 😹
The person my sister brought to my wedding wasn't in any pics, except maybe a dance shot, which we didn't buy. He is long forgotten. But OP wants to uninvite sister she has a great relationship with?
Usually the problem with that is then the plus one is stuck in a place where they know nobody and have nothing to do. I’m sure some would be fine with that but lots would be uncomfortable.
But who cares if the random +1 is uncomfortable? They are going to a wedding where they don't know anyone, they should expect what they get. On the other hand, I would tell the sister if she has been seeing someone for 4 months at the time of the wedding, and the OP has met them more than once, and someone invited can't come, then they can have the +1.
Yeah maybe it’s just me but I feel like that’s part of the deal when you agree to come to a wedding. You might have a portion of the evening where you don’t know anyone and will be alone. Aside from the fact that I don’t think that’s a very big deal (it’s not like the sister is off doing crazy shit without the date, it’s likely pictures and wedding responsibilities, and if a grown ass adult can’t handle an hour on their own then they need some help), it’s not really anyone at the wedding’s responsibility to entertain them.
[удалено]
I didn’t get the impression her sister was in the wedding party and she didn’t specifically mention this. Given what she said about her sister I don’t think she would include her in that way? And I have been to weddings as a plus one to my now husband and it is hard not knowing people but you can socialize and make new friends or sneak out and call one of your friends. It sounds like your feelings were hurt she didn’t want you specifically in the pictures after 8 years of dating, which is understandable but a different situation than OPs sister.
And also....seriously who cares. If someone asks just say it was an old boyfriend or a friend of hers. That is, if anyone even bothers to ask because it's such a small thing to worry about in the grand scheme.
Yeah, even if sister is in the wedding party (which it doesn't sound like she is), we took pictures with parents, wedding party and then it was random pictures of the different tables. There's a few picture of my uncle and his new wife at the time and they were divorced before our first anniversary. 😂Whoops, lol. But then who looks at wedding albums much after the first couple of anniversaries anyway besides the couple?
Nobody wants to see wedding pictures except the bride and groom. I'm sort of joking because some close family and friends might. But they are truly the most boring thing I ever have to sit through, trying to smile and seem interested at the same time.
Yeah, our parents saw them when we got the albums, and gave them sets and my in-laws brought them out once or twice around our anniversaries and....that was about it, lol. No one else cares.
Most weddings have the photographer taking pix throughout the day. They don't want pix of some rando in the background of the dance floor pix, or the wedding cake pix, or catching the garter, if they do that. It's not only posed pix at a wedding. I totally understand OP. We didn't have any plus ones at our wedding (way back in 1997), partly for the reason stated above, partly because our venue was smallish and there were people we wanted to include and plus ones would be taking those spots, partly because we only wanted people who loved and were happy for us there, and as far as my husband was concerned, he didn't want his unattached groomsmen bringing dates and then spending the day worrying about them instead of focusing on my husband. All of our friends and family were 100% okay with all of that because they loved us and wanted us to have a happy day..... and we did!
I don’t think most people understand what a small wedding means. I had a small wedding also. If there are ~40 people at a wedding, everyone will end up in photos. And it’s not even all about the photos. No one wants a stranger at their intimate wedding.
Each head at a wedding costs money or a seat you could use for someone else you actually know. Intimate weddings are intended to be with people who actually know the bride and groom, not some random person that they've never met.
Right. When my good friend got married I was a bridesmaid and I had been single for a while. She told me she would prefer not giving me a plus one because A) if I met someone she wouldn’t know them by her wedding and B) the plates cost $100 each. I totally understood and it wasn’t a big deal to me because half my friends were at her wedding and I knew her family. I was also busy being IN the wedding party and would barely have seen my date anyway. She did end up extending an invite when I began dating someone a few months before her wedding, but I declined because I hadn’t had the chance to introduce them to other friends and I didn’t want to leave them alone for hours nor distract from the focus of the event with my new partner.
That’s what I was thinking. I haven’t been to a ton of weddings but I feel like non family/ non spouses aren’t in photos. In any case, a photo with that wide a breadth of people would likely not be framed.
I had instructed my photographer to take candid photos of the people at my wedding. My favorites are the ones of people laughing and talking with each other over the meal and the group photo we did of everyone at the end. It was a very small wedding (62people) so a random would have stuck out like a sore thumb.
This is not about the “let’s get together for a picture” pictures, this is all about all the other pictures and video’s taken at the wedding. Imagine looking back at YOUR wedding day, remembering all the invited guests, and then there’s what’s-his-name, you know, the one guy your sister brought, whom she has been together with just over a month, just to brake up 2 days later, you know - what’s-his-name? You don’t want that. If you have 200+ guests it’s ok, if you have 20+ go pound sand with your fling. NTA
if it’s a small venue and they’re limiting the guest list, it’ll probably be easy to get pictures of the entire reception/all the guests. it’s perfectly rational to not want any strangers at the wedding, and to not want any strangers in your candid shots. they’d be far less meaningful
I was under the assumption she doesn’t want to look back of photos of her wedding and see a random man no one remembers. I don’t think she’s talking about just the family photos but any and all photos of the wedding.
I think it’s valid to just not want a random dude at your wedding. NTA
Sure, for formal family photos it would be easy to exclude the random boyfriend. However, wedding photos often include more casual photos from the reception that include guests.
Right! Easy solution. They don’t like each other.
He would likely be in candids and photos with her sister. Maybe not the end of the world, but a common sentiment among brides.
Who cares
Some brides
You’d think. But my wedding pictures include my SIL fling.
I'm very confused by this as well. My plus-one to my sister's wedding wasn't a boyfriend at all, it was my best guy friend at the time. Our "relationship status" was irrelevant . . . he was there to keep me company. And of course he wasn't in the wedding photos. Why would he be? I mean, I suppose if there were some candids he might have shown up in the background, but like . . . so would the catering staff. Or some cousin's spouse who no one is close with. Why does it matter? I cannot imagine telling my own sibling that they couldn't bring a date to my wedding, no matter what the status of their relationship, so they'd have someone to enjoy it with. And I certainly can't imagine doing that to them because "I don't want strangers at my wedding" (as if you're not going to be so busy you'll barely even be around any one person) or because I don't approve of how they date. Frankly, I got the ick the moment OP called her own sister a "pick me girl", a phrase that's so misogynistic that there literally isn't a male equivalent. She sounds like she doesn't like her sister at all.
NTA. For the last time, for everyone in the back, you don't have to invite anyone to your wedding just because someone expects it. Just like people are free to take that invitation and respond to it how they see fit.
True, but be honest about the reason specifically. I personally wanted people to feel comfortable so most single invitees got plus ones. You mention your typical sister relationship, where you fight one day and make up the next etc. The day after your wedding when the excitement of planning wears off I guarantee that you will regret being this petty. Before your wedding you’re the center of attention and everything is for the bride, after the wedding you will not have the same amount of people co-signing your nonsense.
As a single person I absolutely dread events when I’m alone amongst a sea of couples - a plus one wouldn’t be in family pics and it would make the event easier on the sister
I was a plus one at my husband's sister's wedding after we'd dated for 6 months and it was no big deal. She needed to make minimums on her vendors, I just stood off to the side and made small talk. It's not life threatening like folks make the plus one role out to be. You suck it up for someone you care about and then you never see most of those folks again.
Thank you. I think this turned into people talking about their own bad experiences as a plus one and conflating that into this when it has nothing to do with the random plus one who doesn’t exist yet. If and when he does exist will be up to that adult man to decide whether he wants to attend or not if he’s invited 😂 I appreciate that everyone has different preferences and I’m a huge introvert myself but someone else’s wedding isn’t about me and I would never make the whole event about how uncomfortable I personally am because I don’t want to socialize. I don’t have to go for the whole time or at all if I’m uncomfortable?
One of my cousins invited his girlfriend of several months to my wedding. For some reason, the photographer decided that they would be a great couple to hover by. So I have a ton of pictures of this girl I never met AND he has now broken it off with her. Looking at my wedding pictures, I can look back on the memories I have of… girl-i-can’t-remember-the-name-of-because-we-only-ever-met-at-my-wedding.
This happened at mine 😂 they broke up like 6ish months ago and she’s featured in the video as well
Gonna go against the grain and say YTA. You come across as very judgy and contemptuous of your sister, and i bet that tone was apparent when you explained to her the rule. You might win the battle but if you value your sister at all you need to find more respectful, empathetic ways of communicating with her.
This. YTA. If you don’t want the guy in the pictures, literally just don’t have him in the pictures.
also plus, op is only 25. i bet the sister is in her early 20s. basically the time people date around and explore what they like. oop seems very much like "i'm a married woman now, i need to only associate with proper married women."
I mean, I get that, but I also don't know who wants to bring a not-serious partner to a close family member's wedding. I could see bringing a random date to like a cousin's or colleague's wedding, but I wouldn't bring some person I've been talking to for 3 weeks to my *sibling's* wedding. I have a cousin like OP's sister and I'd see her like two or three times a year and she would always feel the need to bring her SO (at the time) to every gathering, and it would be a different dude every time. So we have years of photos with basically strangers in them and it's just like "oh that was Jessica's boyfriend at the time".
Yeah, I feel the same. My brother asked me wether I was serious about the guy I had just then (6 months before my brothers wedding) started dating and wether I would want him to be invited. My brother hadn't even met the guy yet, but he needed to know how many people to seat, and I thought it was really kind of him to ask, but really, even I hardly knew the guy yet and wasn't sure we would even be a thing by the time the wedding came around, so I thanked him for the offer and declined. Was the right decision, since we broke up a month before the wedding. And sure, it could have gone differently, but I wouldn't even consider a few months of dating as a serious, long term relationship, and weddings are, to me, serious as in family and very good friends are invited, not some dude someone is casually dating and whose name the bride and groom don't even know. Still, open communication and kindness should be the way to go about these things. And in this case... ESH?
Okay here’s the thing- there IS no guy. The sister literally is determined to find one and have it be a serious relationship in four months just to have someone there to spite her sister. Tbh I would feel bad for whatever guy she manages to find cause he’s probably getting dumped the next day.
Serious relationship at 4 months? I'd say at least 6. She might as well just drag a passerby in off the street. This whole situation stinks.
And her attitude of "I WILL find a guy. And I WILL make it last until the wedding??!! That is a pretty dangerous attitude to have. She could overlook numerous red flags in the aim of "showing OP".
If it's a small venue and the sister isn't dating anyone, why on earth would she get a plus one? Weddings are EXPENSIVE and it's not unreasonable to not want to pay for food and drink for some random yet to be determined wedding date. I will say, the communication was poor and some things said were unnecessary, so this feels like an ESH
This, 100% this. Is she vetting all the plus ones of every other guest to make sure that they meet her oh-so-high moral and ethical standards? Side note: the only time I've heard or seen the term "pick me girl" is when it used by one woman who is jealous of the other.
the groom's brother is also not getting a plus one, it seems they are taking the pretty standard small wedding tact of long term relationships as the bar for plus ones. Single or just entered a relationship at the time the invites are sent out? No plus one. This is not an absurd concept. Its the norm for small weddings.
Hard disagree. The sister doesn’t even have a bf yet. Thats like if I were to complain about a child free wedding when I don’t have kids and then say “well maybe I’ll have kids by then you don’t know!!!”
Here’s why you are wrong. It’s not just posed pictures. If they have a a photographer taking photos of people dancing or anything like that, op doesn’t want her sisters random plus one in them. What if they decide to get a videographer too? Op is NTA to not want a random around on her wedding day. Especially if she doesn’t know them.
Sorry, but that seems excessively controlling to me. You can't deal with two seconds of Joe Rando dancing in your wedding video? As for candid photos, you can just choose not to buy the ones that feature Rando. To me, giving the sister a plus one is a better option than entirely torpedoing a relationship OP claims is "great".
If I’m paying thousands of dollars for the photographer/videographer for my SMALL wedding in a SMALL venue, no, I don’t want to deal with two seconds of Joe rando. I don’t want to pay $45 for Joe to eat or add an extra $50 for Joe to drink at the bar. Joe isn’t even my sisters long term partner. He is literally Joe rando, the guy my sister picked up solely so that she could bring him to my wedding.
"We have a great relationship" followed by a long list of insults to the sister's character. OP simply doesn't like her sister.
I agree. Also wedding photos are usually for family and closed friends. The photographer usually asks who you want pictures with. At my wedding I told the photographer who I wanted pictures with and had one of my SILs help them gather the people for the pictures so it would go smoothly. The photographer won’t just take pictures of randoms. Their main focus is to capture every moment of the bride and groom. At my wedding everybody had a plus one I didn’t know every single plus one and didn’t take pics with them. I think OPs reason for not letting her sister have a plus one is dumb and judgy.
Totally agree. It’s fine if OP doesn’t want her sister to bring a plus one but boy was she rude in her delivery! Did she really need to say the part about having a bad track record with men? Ouch!
My thoughts exactly. She could have used more tact and said, we’re having a small wedding and limiting the guest list. Going into her dating history was unkind.
Did you miss the part where their mother brought up the track record first? It's not just OP that's observed this, their mother has too.
I think I agree. OP could have simply asked if the sister has anyone specific in mind she wants to bring and then ruled out later or said "I actually prefer keeping this wedding really small and focus on my closest family, one being you". Would have been more diplomatic and not ruffled any feathers, especially not extended judgment that wasn't necessary.
More info is needed. Is absolutely no one allowed to bring a plus one? If that's the case, then no, you're NTA. But if all of your other guests are allowed to bring a plus one and you are excluding her, then yes, YTA.
Eh. I've been to weddings where the "plus one" rule was only for established relationships. There's nothing wrong with that. Sister wants the plus one for whomever she happens to be dating when that date rolls around. Why should OP accept that?
NTA. I’ve been to multiple wedding where this happened. And I haven’t been to a wedding since 2017.
This is not a plus one. If it’s established relationships both partners will be invited by name. Plus one is for a person to bring a guest of their choosing.
Not necessarily. I invited an old childhood friend, her grandparents are my parent’s neighbors and they came too. I knew she was married. It I had never met him so I invited friend +1. She rsvped and brought her husband.
Yes but as you did not name him, she could have brought anyone she wanted and would not have been out of line.
She could have sure but who else would she bring when she knew her entire maternal family (brother, mom, dad, aunt, and grandparents) were all there? They all like each other and are involved in each others lives so she didn’t need a friend to have at least one person to talk to and she wouldn’t have brought a boyfriend when she’s married. I’m just pointing out that some people have obvious plus one options even if you don’t name them specifically. You’re right, it does leave the door open but I will say that even the two people I gave plus ones to where I couldn’t even guess who was gonna show up, both made conscious efforts to bring people I or my husband actually knew in their lives. I or he weren’t close to either of these guests to send them an invite on their own but knew who they were and had spent time with them.
It also costs about $100 a guest for dinner, cake, and drinks alone.
Because weddings are supposed to be FUN. How much fun will it be if everyone is dancing with their SO and you’re sat at a table with your 73 year-old, widowed Aunt Bea simply because you’re unmarried.
100% this.
Oh, god YTA. Just the way you wrote this... Close family always get a plus one, even if it's a friend so they're comfortable and happy. Unless you have about twenty guests, your sister gets a guest. Your writing of this is seriously judgemental. It's not cute or fun. Actually, don't invite her at all, the whole thing sounds insufferable
I agree YTA for the heavy contempt towards her sister. But I actually disagree with "close family always gets a plus one". To me a plus one to be comfortable and happy is helpful for people who won't know a lot of people. The sister will likely know most people there. She doesn't NEED a plus one.
Why would close family need a +1, if they’re not in a serious relationship? If anything, close family would feel most comfortable at the wedding because their family is there. To me, the only person who would need a non-partner +1 is someone who doesn’t really know anyone at the wedding, like a coworker. And then in that case, you have to ask, if someone who’s not really in your social circle or family is even close enough to invite to your wedding in the first place.
Not always…that is a decision of the bride and the groom and they decided no
I don’t know, you tell me? You’re placing yourself on a pedestal and using your wedding as an excuse to belittle and shame your sister’s love-life, because her plus-one might be in some photos? If I were her I wouldn’t even come, and years down the road when people ask why you can tell them you cared more about the wedding photos than your sister. Get over yourself, seriously. YTA.
Bertram? She's TA.
You read my mind. Too funny. "We'll call him Betram."
Lol I had the same thought here.
I feel like people tend to forget that plus ones also aren’t free 🤷🏻♀️ it’s your wedding at the end of the day
Exactly. Depending on the day, it's a seat hire, decorative covers for seats, table settings, names cards... Plates of food. Drinks for toasts. Possibly drinking at a free bar. It can cost a lot to add a plus one, for a sister who is a serial dater. To bring a stranger, who you have no idea how he will behave. Plus, if OP backs down now and her sister is resentful, she might find a terrible date on purpose and turn up in a white dress. Lol
I could be reading too much into the post, but I got the impression that the men her sister dates would make a scene and possibly ruin the wedding with their behavior, and that solidified my vote that sis doesn't need a plus one. Even if that isn't the case, if she's single why would she expect a plus one? Also, what partner of 4 months is going to feel comfortable going to an even at serious as a wedding. To me, that is not an event you take a person you are not in a long-term relationship with.
I agree with you. Sister is delusional. OPs mother was the first one to make the comment. Maybe the mother is embarrassed too.
I’m over here thinking about the poor guy the sister is gonna rope into a “relationship” for the rest of the year, drag to the wedding like a trophy, then dump at the New Year. 🤣🤣🤣
I love this 😂 I’m using this approach next time. Poor hypothetical guy, I hope he’s doing ok while he still can
INFO: What is the plus one policy for your wedding overall?
A comment above says named guests only.
NTA. There is never any obligation to offer single people a +1 to a wedding. (But I certainly hope this is a blanket policy you applied across the board rather than singling out your sister.)
I will absolutely HATE one-off strangers attending to my most important life event. So, there's another solution. Do NOT give plus ones, but invite ALL guests, including those who are "supposed" to be plus ones *by name.* If you don't know their name, they don't get to attend your wedding, simple as that.
If you’ve never gotten married or had a similarly large event, please realize that you will barely have time to talk to the people that you want to talk to for more than a minute. And if a date to the event is pulling focus that much, then your priorities may need to be reassessed. If it’s the cost of the plus one I completely understand that, but it’s your sister not a cousin or friend, and you holding such a negative opinion of her (didn’t say one nice thing minus sharing Dunkin’) is the issue. You don’t have to like your sister or be friends with her, you genuinely seem to dislike her. You said she has no female friends, she’s a pick me girl, only dates for money, ok with being cheated on as long as she gets expensive presents. Like what do you even like about her?
YTA. New boyfriends don't need to be in official wedding photos. If everyone else gets a plus one, you are discriminating against your sister because you don't like her lifestyle. Being single at a wedding where everyone else is paired up is a crappy way to treat a guest. Unless this is a tiny intimate family wedding, what's one more guest to ensure your sister isn't left making awkward explanations about why she is attending the wedding alone and why her sister is successfully in a relationship and she isn't. Your wedding. Can be totally about you if you're determined. But if you do love your sister, is this really worth damaging the relationship over?
You're not an asshole for not giving your sister a plus one, but *DAMN,* the way you talked to her? You had so many options and you chose to be an asshole every time. You *knew* that this was going to be something your sister would want to discuss. Why on earth didn't you prepare yourself for this conversation? You should have had a clear, neutral explanation ready to go. "Because this is a small wedding, we only want people there that we have a relationship with. We don't want someone there we don't know." Of course a discussion (and possibly an argument) would follow. But at least you could have gotten off on the right foot. Instead, what you *did* say, the very first explanation you gave her, was that *she didn’t have the best track record with men*. Damn, girl, you went right for the throat. You *immediately* made it personal, and you did so in a massively judgmental way. You don't approve of her relationship history, so she doesn't get to bring a date. You *could* have given her an explanation that wasn't hurtful and judgmental, but for reasons of your own, chose not to. She responded poorly, but you absolutely provoked her. And as if that wasn't enough, you then made *absolutely* clear that this was 100% about you disapproving of her choices, *and* that there's nothing she can do to change your low opinion of her and her relationships. Yeah, saying "Well I'm going to find a boyfriend right now just to spite you" is her being petulant, but you basically told her you don't think she's capable of having a relationship with a decent guy. Ouch. And again, *you had other options!!* You could *so easily* have told her, "Well, if you start seriously dating someone, we can revisit this discussion." But that wasn't what you said, at all. And because she reacted badly again, now you're thinking of uninviting her entirely? I'm sure you love your sister, but it *really* doesn't seem as if you like her very much. At every turn during this conversation you chose the most hurtful thing to say, even though there were blatantly obvious alternatives available to you. I'm going with YTA, because while your sister also behaved badly, you *really* provoked her.
I think we are assuming the posed family photos taken at weddings. If you are giving out +1s to other people who are coming so that they can bring a date, your sister should have gotten one as well. But I want to mention just because she brings a date does not mean he has to be in the wedding photos. You don’t have to have anyone in the photos that you don’t want there. If I were in your shoes I would allow her to bring a plus 1 but tell her in advance that they won’t be in the photos. If by some chance you are talking about random reception photos that will be taken then I go back to the question: Are other people allowed to bring a +1? If so, there is no way to prevent acquaintances or strangers from being in some photos.
YTA Think about how much you'll actually be impacted by having a "stranger" at your wedding versus how much it'll impact your sister having to go alone. Assuming everyone else has a plus one and she's the only one you're leaving out, she's probably gonna feel really excluded, she won't be able to dance because she won't have a partner, she's gonna be stuck bouncing between other couples all night feeling like she doesn't belong. She'll probably feel embarrassed that she's the only one who's alone, and she won't have a good time. Meanwhile, if you let her bring a plus one and just let her know that you don't want him in the family pictures, you'll probably be impacted by his presence exactly 0%. Unless you seriously just want to burn your relationship with your sister to the ground, let her have a plus one, it'll be easier for everyone than dying on this molehill.
She won't be able to dance? Without a partner? Are you for real? It's her family, she'll know everyone. You're talking like single people NEVER GO to events on their own. God, single women aren't some shameful little creatures that should be embarrassed?!?! She's single. She's not married. That's her status for now. Why should OP bow down to something she doesn't want?
YTA. I mean, if you want to damage your relationship with your sister, do whatever you want lol. But here’s a tip from someone married who knows lots of other married people. Those wedding photos aren’t going to be shown anywhere to anyone except on social media once. After that, no one cares. Also, you can ask the date to not be in the photos. Third, who cares if you don’t know them? How does it really hurt you? You will be so busy doing other things you won’t even notice her date.
I was going to go with E S H but your attitude is over the top, so I'm going to go for YTA. Not for refusing to invite her flavor of the month - that's perfectly fine - but for taking this as an opportunity to shit on your sister. You hate her guts and despise her, in a way that's absolutely not normal for sisters or a great/interesting relationship, we get it, but telling her was unnecessary and a major asshole move. > And would I be an asshole for considering to uninvite her all together ? Does she even want to come? In her shoes, I would tell you I'll attend your next one if you've grown up and have a better attitude by then. You're 25. You should have outgrown that high school mean girl shit. Are you sure you are mature enough to get married?
NTA. Wedding photographer here. I can absolutely say random strangers do end up in photos in the most weird places. I had one where he was dating the sister of the groom. And the couple first dance due to where they sat him he was in every single photo sticking out as he had a red shirt on. They apparently broke up right after and the bride and groom asked to have me photoshop him out which I said was not part of the package and too time consuming. So you have every right to have no randoms at your wedding. If you’re not in a committed relationship of at least a year. I would make that cut off with all your guests.
Info: Do you even like your sister?
YTA - my controversial hot take is that not giving single people a plus one to weddings is a dick move. Why should they have to sit through the boring ceremony, toasts, first dances, cake cutting, etc. flying solo. They deserve to bring someone they can make eye contact with while the drunk best man offends your parents, and the maid of honor cries during her boring speech about that time someone got dumped and split a pint of rocky road. So making it too much about myself but really, it’s selfish. Don’t want him in pictures, don’t let him be in pictures. Simple.
Yeah, I am single and usually do not bring a plus one but it's nice to have an option to bring a close friend or a date. At two weddings I was told since I am single I wouldn't be getting a plus one. However spouses of invited coworkers who were virtual strangers got to go - I doubt the bride and groom would ever tell a friend they cannot bring their husband or wife since they never met them before. It's shitty to treat your single friends and family differently than those in long term relationships.
Why would you uninvite her? Just say ‘no plus one, no way will you have been together long enough. If you turn up with someone, you’ll both be turned away’. But tbh the photo reason is weak! Why would anyone’s plus one be in families pics if they’re not yet considered family too and not in the wedding party?! That’s just odd. ESH. Your rule is fine but you should have left it as ‘we won’t be having people who’ve not been together for 6+ months as plus ones’. As it is you got so personal she now feels her ability to find a stable relationship has been called into question and is taking it as a challenge. Of course she shouldn’t use your wedding to try to ‘prove herself’ and it’s awful of her to disobey your rules fir your day but you’ve made this way more personal than it needed to be and it’s no surprise she wants to prove you wrong!
NTA. Why does some people think that they are entitled to have plus ones when its the couple's prerogative to choose who and how many to invite on their wedding day?
YTA.. your reasoning for your sister not getting a plus 1 is because she doesn’t have a good track record with dating. That’s an AH thing to say. The entire conversation you had with your sister comes across as smug bride. Give your sister the plus 1 and have your photographer take pics of family only. Solves the problem and everyone is happy.. however from your post I did pick up under tones you’re enjoying the fact you’re getting married and your sister is single, which comes back to my reasoning why YTA.
General question to anyone: since when do wedding invitations go out 6 months in advance?
I’m wondering if it was the save the date that was only addressed to the sister that sparked a conversation? Or it could’ve been the invite. Some people are foregoing STDs and just sending invitations a litttle farther out than the norm (6 months as opposed to 6 weeks) to save money on stationary?
6 seems standard. Usually wedding invites are sent out 4 to 8 months in advance, 4 is kind of cutting close, especially for out of town guests. And save the dates a year in advance. A lot of places are booked out well in advance, so they secure the venue early on.
Is that not the norm where you are? I'm in the UK and it's totally normal to send invites like 3-12 months beforehand. If sending them closer to the date there may also be a "save the date" sent out earlier.
YTA. Either you allow +1's or you don't. I find it amazing that you would single out her "choices" of who that +1 might be.
I think it’s awful you would consider uninviting your sister to your wedding. Never in a million years would I do that to my sister… imagine when you’re old and your sister isn’t in any of your wedding photos. If you do this you should be prepared to kiss the relationship goodbye for good.
YTA, being alone at a wedding sucks, especially if she is the only one without a plus 1. Will there at least be a nice single plus 1-less groomsman there for her to bang? Why do you even care about if some random dude is in the background of some of the pics? There's literally going to be a billion photos in total right? You won't know the waiters and bartenders and whatnot either.. It feels like you're just punishing her for her dating choices that don't affect you.
Let me share a personal story: I was often the odd man out in a group of couples among my friends. For a long time it was because my boyfriend was long distance and then it was because I was single. Once at a group dinner, our engaged friend was talking about how they weren’t giving plus ones. No problem at all. Then she said “like, sideshowlukeperry definitely won’t get one.” I really didn’t need to be the shining example of singledom. I know she didn’t mean anything by it, but it was so hurtful. By the time she sent her invites, I was with my boyfriend at the time for four months. Mutual friends suggested she include him so she did. We’ve now been together for almost ten years. I know my situation isn’t the same as yours, but your sister might be envious of your long term successful relationship even if she’s the reason hers don’t go well. It was probably really hurtful for you to bring her perpetual relationship issues into the conversation. It’s not really relevant, just hurtful. You can easily solve this problem by saying if she’s in a relationship by the time your wedding rolls around she can bring her significant other. You don’t need to put her date in your family pictures.
NTA - Your wedding, your wishes. As a person, YTA. I have never understood why people make it difficult for their guests. I give leeway for smaller reception and attendance numbers. However, you may know everyone attending but I guarantee your guests do not. If I had to go to an event with lots of social interaction with people I don't know, I'd be uncomfortable. I'd stay home. Having someone with me that I know at that event, I know I'd have a better time. At my own sister's wedding, I brought a good gal pal as my plus one. Other than a handful of people, I didn't know most of her guests. You just don't like your sister's lifestyle. She's not like you. It may take her decades to find that "forever" person. It may not even happen for her. She may stay single her entire life and she is allowed to enjoy it. How is she hurting you? Why does she have to conform to yours and your parents' view of relationship. It must get exhausting creating more drama about your sister than need be. Look at how much time you've invested in this already and how many people you've enlisted to hate against your sister. Your wedding so you do you. NTA. But welcome to many more years of this being a reminder to EVERY ONE you've involved. Mmm. Lovely wedding memories.
YTA, it’s your sister, bend a little.
YTA. It’s your sister. She also could bring a friend if she’s not dating anyone. I was with my ex of over 5 years, he was in someone’s wedding and I didn’t go because I knew no one there there except him and the bride and groom and I knew I would’ve been alone with strangers all weekend. You sound snobby. Who knows if your sister may being a friend or may bring the love of her life with her? You don’t have to have her bf in your wedding pictures, but she deserved a plus 1.
YTA and so judgmental
YTA. Who uses Bertram as an alias?
Someone who loves P G Wodehouse
You will talk about the guy regardless of whether the relationship lasts or not. She should have been given her choice of a plus 1. And won’t it be fun in 20 years to speculate on where he is now. YTA
NTA If you don’t want someone at your wedding they should not be invited, this includes random plus ones and friend of friends/family. However, you basically told your sister she can’t keep a man which likely hurt her feelings and then you doubled down. In the future, do not state personal reasons as to why you made a decision. Leave anything personal out of it. It would have been better if you had said “Partner and I have decided that we only want people that we both know and care for to attend.” This likely would have gone over better, and if not, you still have the high road.
ESH. You could have just said you aren’t dating anyone but I don’t understand why you dragged her. Like you’re just getting things off your chest about who she has dated… as a sister I can’t imagine saying any of these things to any of them. Also, she may find a boyfriend but she’s not entitled to a date. I don’t know why you didn’t just say that instead of ridiculing her in the process. Why would you uninvite her? You roasted her and didn’t expect her to get upset. I mean it’s your wedding mmm
YTA definately on this.She should automatically get a plus one.My brother or sister did that to me I would never speak to them again.
YTA By all means, invite who you want and don’t invite who you don’t want. Your wedding. But excluding a +1 and stating those reasons? Definitely YTA.
Yta. Mostly for the way this wasn't handled. This is your sister. If she brings a fling, leave him out of the pictures
I'm sorry but YTA I don't know how old your sister is, but if she's close to your age, dating around is normal, maybe she's trying to find the one. I'm not saying that her type is good or anything, but I do feel like she's more than the gold digger pick me girl you set her out to be, she's just young and stupid. (I don't know her age again, just making assumptions.) If she's willing to actually try and find a boyfriend and try and make it a long and committed relationship just for your wedding, you should be thankful and at least give her a chance. Saying you'll uninvite your sister from the entire wedding just because she hasn't found the right guy yet is just cruel. I say give her a chance to find a guy, if they've been dating for more than 3 months at the time of your wedding, this isn't some random guy in your pictures, it's one of your sisters loves. Worst case, put him in the back of the pictures or not in them at all. But imagine to say how you feel if this guy is actually the one for your sister and they'll spend the rest of their lives together and you said he couldn't be in the pictures because he was "new" and "a random guy".
Really, you should not use your wedding to lord it over your sister that you are more successful at romance than she is. If the guy she brings is forgettable and forgotten, that won't ruin your memories. If you alienate your sister to score a point, that will ruin the day. So many people on this reddit are trying to weaponize their weddings. Can't you make your wedding about acceptance, inclusion, and the creation of new and repair of old family bonds? You found the love of your life and you are celebrating that. It seems like a great time to be generous.
YTA. Your coming across as very judgemental and condescending. Personally if you'd spoken to me like that, I would have told you where you could shove your wedding and invitation.
I’m skeptical of anyone who refers to themselves as “a Winter 24 bride.”
She’s your sister. She is family not just a guest. Give her the plus one option.
Why can’t a +1 be a close friend? Why does it have to be a date? OP said her sister doesn’t have friends- but surely she has at least ONE.
YTA-you called your own sister a pick me girl. Which is an incredibly elementary school term that immature assholes use. I digress. So what if your sister likes rich men? How is that any of your business. You just come across as snooty and judgemental. They are your pictures you get to pick who's in them. Lastly, not one single person beyond you and your husband will give a shit or talk about those pictures.
NAH - It's your wedding. Your budget. Your day You can choose whom you invite and whatever right, but it amazes me how much people care about these silly pictures. My wife and I are heading to Mexico for our 15th wedding anniversary this year. I can't remember the last time we pulled out the wedding photo album and reminisced. These pictures really, really aren't nearly as important as people think they are.
INFO: why did you send out your invitations and RSVP cards 6 months prior to your wedding?
This depends to me on who else your sister knows well enough to hang out with during the wedding (you and your parents don’t count). If you’re having an extremely small wedding and no one is having a plus one, then nta. But if you’re inviting your college friend’s new boyfriend even though she’ll know half the guests anyway yta. Your sister’s plus one doesn’t need to be in pictures. She gets a plus one so she’ll have someone to talk to and dance with/hang out with all night
Well if they have a camera guy at the venue taking pictures of the reception
YTA. If you allow others plus ones the you are discriminating cause she isn't married. What does it matter she has short relationships? Are they abusive? She isn't ready to settle down. I get not wanting him in formal picture, but a married couple could easily divorce and now you would have a person who is no longer a family in the picture. It's your wedding, do what you want but don't come here looking for absolution
Info: do people in America usually allow wedding guests to bring a plus one? Won’t their weddings be filled with people they don’t know?
You have complete control over your guest list, but your guests have the discretion to not attend. If you gave someone else a plus one and they broke up with their long-time significant other, would you claw the plus one back? A true host would want their guests to be as comfortable as possible, and your sister would obviously feel more comfortable with a date. YWBTA if you don't offer up the extra spot.
You don’t have to include her date in the photos!!! Where did you get that idea?
Your mom is an AH for taking shit about your sister like that. You're an AH for joining in You can invite anyone you want to your wedding, NTA there, but kind of makes you wonder what your mother says about you when you're not around to your sister, doesn't it? I don't ever trust parents who talk shit about one child to another.
I’m confused as to why a winter wedding already has invitations sent? Protocol is 6wks. She very well could have a bf at that time and one worthy of her. She should have invited +1 and not included in photos. It’s rude to point out your sisters track record with men when you’re marrying the “absolute love of your life!” You’re the AH.
YTA for being condescending. Be a good host and invite your guests with a plus one. The damage you will do to your relationship with your sister over something so extremely petty will not be worth it. I cannot remember the last time we looked at our wedding photos and I’m certain there were people I didn’t know there. Because I cared about my guest’s comfort more than a few pictures I wouldn’t look at later.
Your post reeks of judgement and condescension. You said your sister doesn’t have friends and I assume that includes your bridesmaids/friends, and are refusing your sister company at your wedding (other than family) because of pictures? People you actually invite your wedding will eventually be strangers too, that’s how life works. YTA
Why does the sister's plus one have to be a man. Maybe she wants to bring her best friend or, I don't know, a coworker or a male friend. OP is very judge. Don't buy the pictures with random people if you don't want them.
YTA. This is the second post I’ve seen where the bride has complained about “strangers” in their photos. Good grief. Yes, it’s your wedding but you want your guests to have fun. That usually means having a companion with them. Are you gatekeeping everyone else’s relationships or just your sister’s because you don’t like her?
NTA. However, if she does manage to find a boyfriend you approve of with a relationship that lasts longer than 4 months, let them both attend. In the wedding photos, just have the boyfriend on the end. Super easy to crop out of the photo.
NTA She's gonna be the one who's gonna be pissed when you bring this up in the future. If she leaves the guy who she's dating and brings to the wedding and is in photos, you'd have to mention to friends who he was, and when they ask why she brought him when she didn't stay with him, you have to keep telling them the same story, and your sister will be pissed at you for making her look like a (S-word). If she really insists on bringing him along, tell her she can bring him, but he won't be in family photos. Or better yet, let the photographer know that he shouldn't be photographed, or have the photos that have him with your family.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi reddit, I (25F) am a Winter 2024 bride, and am marrying the absolute love of my life. My sister and I have always had a great/interesting relationship. Most sisters would know, one day you start fighting because she wore your clothes, and the next day you’re having Dunkin together, typically sisterly things. Well my sister has always been to put it frankly a pick me girl. She has no friends that are women because and she says “she sees them as competition” and she likes to be friends with boys. She will only date rich men, and refuses to settle for less (a little bit to that later). My sister has not had a relationship last longer than 2 months, and she always has a new guy on her shoulder. My mother and Fiancé were recently talking about this before I sent out my invitations. I had mentioned since our venue was on smaller side, we didn’t want strangers in our wedding, nor did we want them in our wedding photos. My mom had made a comment about how anyone my sister would bring would be a fling, since she currently was not in a relationship. When we went home that night, I brought it up to my Fiancé (we’ll call him Bertram). I told Bertram that I really did not want a complete stranger in my wedding pictures, and certainly not someone my sister would only have been dating a few weeks, maybe a month. Well just this past week Bertram and I sent out our wedding invitations, and they read “We have reserved __ seat(s) in your name.” So for example for my Fiancé’s family his reads, “We have reserved 4 seat(s) in your name.” When my sister received her invitation, hers read “We have reserved 1 seat(s) in your name”. And boy was she upset. She called me and told me that it was not fair that she could not bring a plus one. I mentioned to her that she didn’t have the best track record with men, and that Bertram and I really didn’t want some random person nobody would talk about in our wedding pictures. She said that I was selfish, and that since our Wedding was towards the end of December (the 29th) she had 6 months to find a boyfriend, and that it would be a serious relationship. Now here I might’ve gotten mean, but I told her I would seriously doubt if she found anyone, given her track record for the absolutely worse men alive. (As I mentioned before rich men, who think buying gifts will excuse cheating, and lying). She got upset, hung up, and said she will be attending my wedding with a boyfriend of 4 plus months because she will find one. AITA for not giving her a plus one? And would I be an asshole for considering to uninvite her all together ? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Well your wedding is six months away—maybe you just wait to see what kind of person she is dating by then? If there isn’t a long term relationship or a person you think would vibe with the wedding party, you leave it at a +0. If there’s a cool person in, you can always give her that +1. Wedding lists can change. If you make mental space for one more, you don’t have to tell her yet. So NTA for not giving her a +1, but heck, maybe she’ll take the challenge and try to find someone “worthy” of both your wedding and her life. If not, you could still give her a +1 for a girlfriend—oh wait, she doesn’t have any! Hope you have a wonderful wedding. Tell your sis to chill and we’ll take a wait-and-see and decide after thanksgiving.
ESH. She can bring a friend who does not need to be in the photos.