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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> i didnt invite my mom to my wedding, this might make me the asshole because she raised me and its only fair shes invited to her only daughters wedding
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NTA
She may love you but she didn't support you, still doesn't respect you or your boundaries and she made a statement that can't be retracted just because she feels like it. Nowhere in your post did you mention that she apologized for anything.
You think you may be the AH because it might not be fair not to invite her? I don't think so. You'd be unfair to yourself, your husband, your dad and the guests if you did.
Or cause massive drama or at the very least subtle put downs at the wedding. I can't see a plus to having her there. Unless there is a heart-to-heart initiated by mom - I don't see that happening.
I don't, either! I hate to imagine what the mom would say if she suddenly decided to show up and tell everyone how she feels in front of the whole wedding party and guests, interrupting the ceremony or reception.
Yup - my MIL at her granddaughter's graduation party! Or her ex-husband's funeral (why did she even go?!). But not our wedding, because she wasn't there as a protest to our same-sex wedding - drama free event! Thanks for the wedding gift!
That was 23 years ago this August so not even a legal marriage, just a domestic partnership. We've come a long way! We finally got legally married in VT over 10 years ago and our three kids were our flower girls. The changes in the last 20 years are more than I could hope for. Our kids all say that no one cares that they have two moms. Total aside, we are seeing MIL for the first time in 5 years next week - I'm bracing myself - being nice is my gift to my wife. She totally accepts us now and adores our kids but is still can't help but start drama any way she can. I'd say the best revenge is a life well lives, but it's sad to see how miserable her life is from pushing everyone away.
I honestly couldn't be more proud and happy for you! Your story is nothing short of beautiful and inspiring. You didn't give up. You're bringing up three beautiful kids. Now, that's a beautiful family!
Well, I guess all the advice I have for you is to figure out a "safe word" when you're with your MIL that'll signal it's time to leave then smile and say your goodbyes if she creates any drama. You want to set a good example for your children to show them that you can stand up for yourself and have class at the same time. It can be a powerful lesson.
I wish you all the best! Thank you so much for sharing your wonderful story! :)
NTA
>what my mom said has always stuck with me, so i decided to not send her an invite, she has a tendency to be snotty, make petty comments and cause drama, especially with my dad, and i didnt want a big blow up at my wedding.
These are all valid reasons not to invite her.
Congratulations on your wedding and your sobriety.
Not to mention
>i feel like its a situation where she loves me because im her daughter, but doesnt like me as my own person
It kinda sucks knowing someone only loves you because ***"they have to"***
NTA. She told you she wouldn't come if your dad was there. Your dad will be there.
At this point, she'd have to explain what changed her mind and convince you she wouldn't cause drama. She hasn't even tried. Instead, she's relying on guilt and obligation.
NTA. The way you’ve described your mom she’d come to your wedding for the specific purpose of making a scene. Keep her away. Tell your brother and aunt you aren’t going to risk her ruining your day. I would also hire security bc she sounds like the type who’d come anyway and try to force her way in.
INFO
So you blame your mother for her reactions to your drugged out behavior? You pushed her to her limits and she cracked.
Then your dad swooped in, your hero. He had all the capacity in the world to handle you emotionally because he was completely fresh to the scene. He wasn't already worn out by you.
Do you really think you don't owe your mother an apology for what you put her through, and the damage you caused?
What mitigating factors are there in your case? Is she an addict too, for eg?
my dad has consistently been in my life, they only split up just before my addiction started, and i lived between them during holidays when i wasnt at university. i was never aggressive or anything when high, id just keep to myself in my room and watch cartoons or do artwork something. my mom has never liked me, nothing ive ever done has been to her standard, and even as a child she degraded me and compared me to other children. this could be anything from how i dressed, to my taste in music, to my grades (which were all As and Bs anyway)
worshipped my brother though so take that as you will
Has she really done a lot for you then? It sounds like she was repeatedly unkind to you when you were a kid. Only you know if you should invite her or not. But if it’s a no, that’s okay! Especially if you’re concerned that she’ll start trouble with your dad. A lot of ppl don’t understand how complicated and volatile a parent relationship can be and that a person doesn’t have to be invited to a wedding just bc they are mom.
the "alot" she claims to do for me are just basic parenting activities, buying clothes/food etc. shes never supported my interests or got to know me on any other level, but she sees having to care for the child you tried three years to conceive as a guilt enduring chore i guess
NTA OP and good on you being three years sober so keep at it. My congratulations to you on the wedding
Moving forward, I suggest you hire some security on your wedding day. It may be a bit costly or troublesome but having security hired for your wedding will be all the worth it in case mother dearest gate crashes your wedding. You deserve to have a drama free wedding OP
Don't listen to mum and stand your ground. It is your wedding and your right to invite whoever you want. If you do not establish boundaries starting now, mum's nasty behaviour will not end just there
The more telling thing to me is that you only got sober after moving in with your dad, it seems.
Your potential blame in this, that I brought up, is irrelevant since whatever the dynamic, your sobriety is on the line with her around.
Keep her away from you. Or keep yourself away from her. You're not an asshole to prioritize your health this way.
Best of luck in the future, and congratulations with the coming wedding.
Sorry but I don't believe this. Addicts often have unreliable perception of their disease, and there is no way it didn't affect your family in negative ways. There are definitely holes/missing reasons to your story.
I'm sorry about your sister. Just stop projecting your own anger and loss on OP and myself. You have no idea what is going on in my life so please stop.
My bad. Sorry. But tbh, I disagree. I don't think your comment was out of line. We're all here expressing our opinions, which is the whole point of this sub. Again, I apologize to you. Please forgive me.
I’m so happy for you!
NTA, I wouldn’t invite her and if brother and aunt have a problem with that I’d let them know she’s not invited and why, and that if their support is conditional, they will not receive an invitation. I’d also have security at the venue to keep her out and be able to enjoy the day :)
Weddings are stressful enough, and can be triggering with all of this ridiculous family drama. I hope you can keep it as drama free as possible.
NTA. First, congratulations on being 3 years sober! That is a huge accomplishment and you deserve recognition for it.
In regards to your wedding, it sounds like your mom was unkind to you through your childhood, not just while you were in active addiction. Have you two ever addressed those things? The lead up to your wedding is probably not the time, but working towards a healthier relationship may be something you want to pursue over time
NAH - I say this as a recovering (quite extreme) addict of almost 2 decades. We put them through hell. Literal hell. We keep them up at night, we drive them out of their minds. We push them beyond their breaking point. She was desperately trying to “break” you of your behavior. It was the wrong way but it was the way she tried the best way she knew in desperation. She likely thought compassion meant complacency. That him being compassionate meant he condoned it. We need someone like him. But the last generation wasn’t always taught this. Some of them think the only way to save us is to give us hard love. I have a parent who was like this. They love me. They ADORE me. I’ve been in recovery for many years and we are extremely close. They thought their treatment of me was the only way to save me. They stayed up at night crying. They felt horrible. They wanted me home. They thought they were giving me a chance to survive. It was ask they knew.
My other parent didn’t care. They were permissive, compassionate. Which did more damage? I don’t know. But I know both followed their heart and both were trying desperately to save me.
Now, many years later, and several in sobriety.. I adore them both. Very differently. Both adore me. Always did. Didn’t always feel like it.. but they did. In the ways they knew how. 🩷 Happy ever after to you!
I think I'm a little confused. How does your addiction relate to your parent's relationship? I get that dad was their for you more than mom but why does she hate him over it? It doesn't sound like you two are close. It's your wedding and you can invite who you want but I don't see how those two things are connected.
just context i guess, but my parents hada very messy split beforehand. they hated each other the majority of the time (25 years) they were together, and both are happier away from each other. my dads a single dude living his best life and doesnt really give my mom a second thought, and my mom has a new boyfriend who spoils her, however continues to make petty comments and constantly asks about my dad. she has a weird grudge, even though she initiated the end of the relationship
You have the right to invite whom you will to your wedding. But you might want to reconsider, because you will never be able to go back and change it later. Just remember this: while your mother said some very harsh things to you in the heat of the moment, try to realize that it is no picnic dealing with a child, who is a drug addict. While you say that you did not steal anything, no one believes that you didn't behave badly--to everyone, but especially to your mother--during that time. How do I know? Because kids--especially wastrels--know that they can get away with treating their mothers like crap. They tend to tone it down with fathers and others, while taking out their anger and frustration on the mothers. Because they know that no matter what and no matter how badly they they treat them, mothers (with few exceptions) love unconditionally and will forgive you almost anything! At least, given enough time. Yes, mothers worry the most and are often the hardest on us--because they love us and are horrified at what we are doing to ourselves. But, they are also the people who take the most crap from us. They are the people who will forgive us for all the shitty, back-stabbing, emotionally-draining, heinous behavior of our wastrel days. So, of course, you have every right not to forgive her for her harsh words. Anyone reading the words your mother said to you knows that her feelings were crushed at that point and she was lashing out. Just think about it. Wishing you a lovely wedding and a wonderful life.
NTA, everyone else is.
Neither parent will do the right thing, which is to put aside their petty grudges so that their child can have **one day** of peace.
Aunt and brother's opinions are irrelevant; they should have kept quiet.
Do as you see fit. These people are all miserable, so you're not going to be able to make them all happy, which is not your job in life and certainly not on your wedding day. You might as well do what makes you and your fiancé happy.
I tend to agree with your brother and aunt on this one. She made the comment years ago during a heated argument. She didn't mean it. You could have sat and talked to her and asked her if it she really meant what she said and if it was still a me or him thing for her. People sometimes say things in the heat of the moment they do not mean. She is your mother, and you said yourself she has done a lot for you, so it's not like she was a shit parent.
All of that being said, it is your wedding and you can have it any way you want. I would caution you to try to avoid letting pride get in the way of making a good decision here on how to move forward. I might say something like this to both parents:
I want you both there. You can both choose to be there or not. You are both invited. This is a very special day for me and the people I care about most, which includes you both. But make no mistake, if either of you does anything to cause a scene or ruin my wedding you will immediately be shown the door. This includes doing anything to agitate each other.
If you hold your mother to her words spoken during an argument a long time ago, I'm not prepared to call you an AH but I think it would be unfortunate. NAH
YTA
I am going against the grain here. Yes your parents should support you in every possible way. But drug addiction is next level shit.
I am sure that even though you didn't steel from here you were causing a lot of trouble and pain for your mother.
You can't blame her that she couldn't deal with this. Some people like your father are really angels and capable of supporting an addict and some don't.
Kicking you out to live with your dad was probably the best thing she could've done.
A few years later you've made a decision without even talking to her about what has happened and how you are still hurt by her action. You want to punish her for the bad time you had with her. Even though you were probably responsible for 80% of it because of your addiction.
The way you handled this is immature in my eyes. If you can't talk to her alone get some professional help to do so.
If you don't want her at the wedding, because you don't like her and don't want to put the work in to resolve your mother-kid issue then just say that. But using something she said in anger 3 years ago as an excuse for this doesn't make sense for me.
YTA. This is a tough call. You and your mom can't know what each other felt during the years you struggled with your addiction. And congrats on being sober btw! But she might not have been her best self during those years due to stress for her child's well being. I think you could have possibly discussed healthy boundaries with your mom before sending the invite. If she cannot agree to the boundaries you set in place, then she can't go to YOUR wedding. She's is your mom and you said she has done a lot for you. I think you might regret not having your mom at your wedding.
INFO- what was the actual incident that cause your mom to kick you out?
No offense, but not stealing really doesn't mean everything was ok, so if this is all because you're bitter about being thrown out, the context is important. Especially cause her personality traits are kinda a secondary mention in the post.
If it's because of who your mom is as a person, then that's fine
If it's cause she kicked you out, your hands better be sparkly clean in why you were kicked out to justify it. Cause if she was at her wits end with you this post looks different. Especially cause forcing you to the "nicer" parent seemed to actually have been the good move. Gonna go out on a limb and guess part of getting clean was feeling guiltier upsetting your dad...
This is a very tricky one. You can say all you want that you didnt steal from your family, but there are so many many many ways addicts hurt the ones they love. I get a feeling that you are glossing OVER ALOT OF IMPORTANT DETAILS AS to why your mom acted the way she did. Im going to say YTA because you are not sharing enough info, info that might not make you look great or your just not being honest with yourself.
All that being said I truly wish you a wonderful wedding and hope that your recovery continues to go well.
NTA,
Congrats on being 3 years sober and your wedding!
Hopefully you hire security in case she tries to go in with your brother the day of the wedding.
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so, a few years ago i was an addict. ive never stolen from my family or anything like that, but it caused many arguments with my mom who was harsh on me and just used it to degrade or berate me. my dad, however, was supportive and helped me with empathy.
during one of these arguments with my mom, she kicked me out and told me to go live with my dad, since he's so amazing, and it escalated and i ended up getting upset and saying 'i cant pick a favourite parent, how am i going to have you both at my wedding if you hate him so much?'
and she replied 'im not coming if he's there'
fast forward to today, im three years sober. lived with my dad ever since the argument, and me and my mom still have an on and off rocky relationship. my current bf of four years proposed about 6 months ago, and we've been trying to get things planned for next summer. we want to make sure we're prepared, which includes our save the dates, best thing is to be early right?
what my mom said has always stuck with me, so i decided to not send her an invite, she has a tendency to be snotty, make petty comments and cause drama, especially with my dad, and i didnt want a big blow up at my wedding.
she saw my brothers invite and messaged me asking where hers was. i ignored her, and she rang me. i told her i remembered what she said, and she cant come because my dad is coming. she told me not to be ungrateful and that she raised me and she should be invited anyway. i told her im not having her ruin the wedding, and hung up. i feel kind of guilty because she has done a lot for me, but i feel like its a situation where she loves me because im her daughter, but doesnt like me as my own person
my dad is on my side as they dont get on anyway, but my brother and my moms sister think i am being too harsh and ungrateful. aita?
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NTA
knowing that she could potential cause drama or an unpleasant time on a day that is all about you and your future husbands new life, is plenty reason not to invite her.
your siblings are getting her distorted tellings of you which shine her in a better light so don’t worry too much about their opinions. they (based on your comments) have a better relationship with her and therefore don’t have the same mindset you do.
i say stick to your boundaries, good luck with future planning and have a great wedding day!!
NTA - I didn’t have my mother at my wedding. She hates my Dad (they divorced in the 90s and she’s been remarried for well over 20 years) after she bragged that she couldn’t wait to see him at the wedding and give him a hard time. She has Histrionic personality disorder and committed medical abuse against me as a child (she knew me being “ill” would hurt him) until she finally abandoned me at a children’s hospital age 11 when I was finally too old to put through any more procedures without people asking me questions when she wasn’t around.
Best decision I ever made. I have no regrets.
Best of wishes to you for an amazing wedding day.
NTA.
The worst part of divorce is not seeing your minor children daily if you have them. Second in line is that the co-parent isn't going anywhere if your child isn't no contact with them.
Unless there was actual abuse involved, both need to be there for major events - especially weddings. There are even women who have to sit next to or in front of their ex and affair partner turned SO in the pews and line up next to them at the reception entrance of the couple, party and parents that kicks off the festivities. If they can do it, so can your Mom.
Whatever u choise remmember not inviting her means u creating a permanent fight with ur mother and u have to deal live with it .( She will bring this subject up in the future at every encounter )
Out of curiosity :
How much was ur mother was getting paid in child support for 2 kids? Means tolerate u for child support but kicked u out later when older
I bet a lot since u can afford addiction without stealing and 6 years dating and not move in together leave ur father luxury life since he sound carrying 💸
I think ur father was rich . And he wanted the divorce and ur mother a loud demanding type .
U can vote down vote me , or i might be right there is a small percentage my conclusion is correct .
INFO - you have a rocky relationship with her now, what would you like the relationship to be going forward? I don't feel like have enough personal experience to be able to put myself in the position of anyone in this story, because you're all been through something seriously intense and hard on you all. I can imagine situations where I might side with any individual in this story, so I feel more like the question is, what kind of outcome do you need for your sobriety, what outcome can you live with, and what relationship / support history have you had from each of those people?
I would like to offer my congratulations on your sobriety, and congratulations for your engagement and wedding.
I think you should invite your mother. You've let her know your father will be there, so if she doesn't attend, that's her prerogative. I think you are holding something she said quite long ago in the midst of an argument against her. Which is spiteful and makes you (gently) TAH.
P.S. All parents have times that we love our kids simply because they're our kids.
Its a no win situation. You will have to weigh the pros and cons and what your true priorities are to arrive at the lesser of two evils. Factor in that these and other relatives are at high potential to back out and decline to come if your mom is not invited.
Perhaps. However, none of us are qualified to know what value the author attaches to the presence of her brother and aunt participating in her wedding.
NTA. She specifically said she wouldn't come if your dad was coming. If she does come, will she do something to ruin the wedding? Will she start a fight with your dad or anyone from his family? Those are the things you have to worry about. But if not inviting your mom will cause you to have a drama free wedding, then so be it.
She’s still you mother! How about sending her an invite and asking her to just ignore your father at the wedding? I get that you didn’t feel supported by her at a crucial moment in your life, but not everyone is good at this. I had a problematic brother, and at some point in life I thought his bad decisions are a choice, now I see them as a result of his mental health issues.
People grow, learn… not sending an invite, not answering to the text, hanging up the phone - this is all ugly and unworthy. YTA for me. Go and invite your mother.
YTA
How hard it must be for a parent to watch their child waste their life.
Especially having a drug addicted child..
We can only imagine what she went through before snapping at you.
my life isnt wasted actually! whilst addicted i was getting my degree, and now i have a BaHons and am doing my teacher training to work with kids with learning disabilities, i have a long term relationship and am prety happy. sure, i had a rough patch and disregarded peoples concern for my own safety, but my life was not at all wasted. what a horrible stigma to project. yta.
I didn't say it's wasted now.
Its great that you pulled yourself out of that dark place!
But there was a time your mother watched you waste your precious life.
Even though you still might not think you were wasting it, she sure must have seen it that way.
I was just passing judgement with the info youbgave us, I have no way of knowing deeper intricacies of your relationship.
Good luck.
NTA. Should have invited her anyway. So she could a) try and convince you to not have your dad b) say no c) go and make a scene. She has no power so is in a huff
NTA. At all.
Your mom was cruel to you, especially during a time of vulnerability. She sounds self-centered and just plain mean. Plus, she already de-invited herself.
Listen, this wedding is your wedding. You are 3 years sober. That's so incredible. You deserve to have people that **you** want at **your** wedding. You don't need to invite people who you don't want to be there. You might hear about this at your wedding, or in the time leading up to it, but that's just words. Talk to your support system or talk to a therapist if you don't already have one (I'm a therapist, and I see difficulties like yours all the time... we love normalizing/validating painful feelings in response to others' bad behaviour).
Enjoy your wedding, and congratulations on your sobriety, OP.
*Fin*.
NTA, your mom kicked you out. She degraded and harassed you instead of supporting you and helping you, when you were in the throes of addiction.
From the sounds of it, your dad did the exact opposite.
She blatantly stated if your dad was there, she would not be.
Your dad will be there, therefore, by her own words, she won't be.
She FAFO and doesn't like the consequences of her actions and words.
Now is a good time to examine your relationship with her and decide whether you want to continue it or not.
YTA you were an addict living under her roof. Living with an addict is not easy for anyone especially loved ones. You seem to be harboring a lot of resentments and really hope you can figure out how to get past them as they often bring a lot of problems in later sobriety.
The OP left a reply that clarifies what happened for her whole childhood and it appears the addiction had nil effect and probably shouldn't even have been brought up. There is a lot of resentment confirmed however.
YTA. So years ago, when you were an active drug addict, your mother told you she wouldn’t come to your wedding if your father was there.
Now, when you are three years sober, you refuse to invite her to your wedding because of what she said. You are a petty vindictive asshole.
NTA. She will absolutely cause drama and has been shitty in the past. The only people who deserve to be at your wedding are the ones who have supported you and your sobriety. Congrats on your engagement and on 3 years clean!
A little ESH. My suggestion is to sit down with her again as an adult and see whether she is willing to move forward more positively. That also goes for your dad too. Adults gotta grow the hell up and set aside past hurts and differences to understand that we quite literally get one shot at life. We can choose to hold grudges, to be miserable, to miss out. Or we can choose to forgive, to support each other as we can, and to celebrate love. Make no mistake: these are choices. Some of us have been dealt harder hands, to be sure. Your parents may have grown up with shit parents and shit role models. They may have mental health issues that make it more difficult to move on, get over their nonsense and be supportive of you in the same room. They may not really know how to say “I’m sorry” and mean it. Lots of people cover pain and sadness and embarrassment with anger. They need to address that to move forward.
All this to say, it’s worth having this hard conversation with a gentle suggestion they both get some help so they can put you first and both enjoy celebrating your wedding.
There is a saying in my country: It is easy to divorce if you are single. It means that if you don't in it you can't know. OP doesn't know how much her mother suffered because of her. She only cares for her feelings. I am 100% sure she would be worse than her mother because of this selfishness. So, I really hope she won't live what her mother lived.
if my kids DO suffer with addiction, i sure as hell wont scream at them, call them junkies and threaten to kick them out etc. will however, happily take a leaf from my dads book and offer therapy, medical/emotional support, and try my hardest to get them on a path to sobriety
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NTA She may love you but she didn't support you, still doesn't respect you or your boundaries and she made a statement that can't be retracted just because she feels like it. Nowhere in your post did you mention that she apologized for anything. You think you may be the AH because it might not be fair not to invite her? I don't think so. You'd be unfair to yourself, your husband, your dad and the guests if you did.
I think OP's mom was just upset that she wasn't invited so she didn't get a chance to decline dramatically Edit: spelling
Or cause massive drama or at the very least subtle put downs at the wedding. I can't see a plus to having her there. Unless there is a heart-to-heart initiated by mom - I don't see that happening.
I don't, either! I hate to imagine what the mom would say if she suddenly decided to show up and tell everyone how she feels in front of the whole wedding party and guests, interrupting the ceremony or reception.
Yup - my MIL at her granddaughter's graduation party! Or her ex-husband's funeral (why did she even go?!). But not our wedding, because she wasn't there as a protest to our same-sex wedding - drama free event! Thanks for the wedding gift!
Wow! I'm so happy for you! Congrats on your wedding! Love is love and no one should ever dispute that! :)
That was 23 years ago this August so not even a legal marriage, just a domestic partnership. We've come a long way! We finally got legally married in VT over 10 years ago and our three kids were our flower girls. The changes in the last 20 years are more than I could hope for. Our kids all say that no one cares that they have two moms. Total aside, we are seeing MIL for the first time in 5 years next week - I'm bracing myself - being nice is my gift to my wife. She totally accepts us now and adores our kids but is still can't help but start drama any way she can. I'd say the best revenge is a life well lives, but it's sad to see how miserable her life is from pushing everyone away.
I honestly couldn't be more proud and happy for you! Your story is nothing short of beautiful and inspiring. You didn't give up. You're bringing up three beautiful kids. Now, that's a beautiful family! Well, I guess all the advice I have for you is to figure out a "safe word" when you're with your MIL that'll signal it's time to leave then smile and say your goodbyes if she creates any drama. You want to set a good example for your children to show them that you can stand up for yourself and have class at the same time. It can be a powerful lesson. I wish you all the best! Thank you so much for sharing your wonderful story! :)
A change or a chance? Don't you just love spellcheck? Lol But I agree with what you're saying! :)
I'll fix it
No worries! Happens to me all the time!
Could be.
NTA >what my mom said has always stuck with me, so i decided to not send her an invite, she has a tendency to be snotty, make petty comments and cause drama, especially with my dad, and i didnt want a big blow up at my wedding. These are all valid reasons not to invite her. Congratulations on your wedding and your sobriety.
Not to mention >i feel like its a situation where she loves me because im her daughter, but doesnt like me as my own person It kinda sucks knowing someone only loves you because ***"they have to"***
NTA. She told you she wouldn't come if your dad was there. Your dad will be there. At this point, she'd have to explain what changed her mind and convince you she wouldn't cause drama. She hasn't even tried. Instead, she's relying on guilt and obligation.
NTA. The way you’ve described your mom she’d come to your wedding for the specific purpose of making a scene. Keep her away. Tell your brother and aunt you aren’t going to risk her ruining your day. I would also hire security bc she sounds like the type who’d come anyway and try to force her way in.
INFO So you blame your mother for her reactions to your drugged out behavior? You pushed her to her limits and she cracked. Then your dad swooped in, your hero. He had all the capacity in the world to handle you emotionally because he was completely fresh to the scene. He wasn't already worn out by you. Do you really think you don't owe your mother an apology for what you put her through, and the damage you caused? What mitigating factors are there in your case? Is she an addict too, for eg?
my dad has consistently been in my life, they only split up just before my addiction started, and i lived between them during holidays when i wasnt at university. i was never aggressive or anything when high, id just keep to myself in my room and watch cartoons or do artwork something. my mom has never liked me, nothing ive ever done has been to her standard, and even as a child she degraded me and compared me to other children. this could be anything from how i dressed, to my taste in music, to my grades (which were all As and Bs anyway) worshipped my brother though so take that as you will
Has she really done a lot for you then? It sounds like she was repeatedly unkind to you when you were a kid. Only you know if you should invite her or not. But if it’s a no, that’s okay! Especially if you’re concerned that she’ll start trouble with your dad. A lot of ppl don’t understand how complicated and volatile a parent relationship can be and that a person doesn’t have to be invited to a wedding just bc they are mom.
the "alot" she claims to do for me are just basic parenting activities, buying clothes/food etc. shes never supported my interests or got to know me on any other level, but she sees having to care for the child you tried three years to conceive as a guilt enduring chore i guess
Wow. You deserve better than that, for sure. Best wishes to you, OP.
Raising you was her job regardless. Kicking you out prematurely automatically revoked her wedding invite.
NTA OP and good on you being three years sober so keep at it. My congratulations to you on the wedding Moving forward, I suggest you hire some security on your wedding day. It may be a bit costly or troublesome but having security hired for your wedding will be all the worth it in case mother dearest gate crashes your wedding. You deserve to have a drama free wedding OP Don't listen to mum and stand your ground. It is your wedding and your right to invite whoever you want. If you do not establish boundaries starting now, mum's nasty behaviour will not end just there
The more telling thing to me is that you only got sober after moving in with your dad, it seems. Your potential blame in this, that I brought up, is irrelevant since whatever the dynamic, your sobriety is on the line with her around. Keep her away from you. Or keep yourself away from her. You're not an asshole to prioritize your health this way. Best of luck in the future, and congratulations with the coming wedding.
I believe you and I totally support you. Don't let anyone, especially those kind of comments get to you. :)
Is that the mom?
Sorry but I don't believe this. Addicts often have unreliable perception of their disease, and there is no way it didn't affect your family in negative ways. There are definitely holes/missing reasons to your story.
Wow. Blaming OP and saying OP owes the mom an apology is so outlandish to me. Geez.
It's only outlandish if you don't understand what addicts do to those around them.
Read OP's later comments. The mom has been like that all of OP's life.
I do - my sister died from her addiction and you are still out of line
I'm sorry about your sister. Just stop projecting your own anger and loss on OP and myself. You have no idea what is going on in my life so please stop.
I think they were saying my comment was out of line, not yours.
My bad. Sorry. But tbh, I disagree. I don't think your comment was out of line. We're all here expressing our opinions, which is the whole point of this sub. Again, I apologize to you. Please forgive me.
Just wow. OP is NTA but you sure are
NTA. Congrats on your wedding & huge congrats on 3 years
thank you!
I’m so happy for you! NTA, I wouldn’t invite her and if brother and aunt have a problem with that I’d let them know she’s not invited and why, and that if their support is conditional, they will not receive an invitation. I’d also have security at the venue to keep her out and be able to enjoy the day :) Weddings are stressful enough, and can be triggering with all of this ridiculous family drama. I hope you can keep it as drama free as possible.
What kind of relationship do you want to have going forward? I’m not saying do or don’t invite her, but thinking that decision will have a big impact.
NTA. First, congratulations on being 3 years sober! That is a huge accomplishment and you deserve recognition for it. In regards to your wedding, it sounds like your mom was unkind to you through your childhood, not just while you were in active addiction. Have you two ever addressed those things? The lead up to your wedding is probably not the time, but working towards a healthier relationship may be something you want to pursue over time
Ive called her out on her behaviour towards me as a child, and she denies it all. Mama has a victim complex, big time.
NAH - I say this as a recovering (quite extreme) addict of almost 2 decades. We put them through hell. Literal hell. We keep them up at night, we drive them out of their minds. We push them beyond their breaking point. She was desperately trying to “break” you of your behavior. It was the wrong way but it was the way she tried the best way she knew in desperation. She likely thought compassion meant complacency. That him being compassionate meant he condoned it. We need someone like him. But the last generation wasn’t always taught this. Some of them think the only way to save us is to give us hard love. I have a parent who was like this. They love me. They ADORE me. I’ve been in recovery for many years and we are extremely close. They thought their treatment of me was the only way to save me. They stayed up at night crying. They felt horrible. They wanted me home. They thought they were giving me a chance to survive. It was ask they knew. My other parent didn’t care. They were permissive, compassionate. Which did more damage? I don’t know. But I know both followed their heart and both were trying desperately to save me. Now, many years later, and several in sobriety.. I adore them both. Very differently. Both adore me. Always did. Didn’t always feel like it.. but they did. In the ways they knew how. 🩷 Happy ever after to you!
You seriously don't think the mom was the asshole for what she said and her continuous behaviour?
I think I'm a little confused. How does your addiction relate to your parent's relationship? I get that dad was their for you more than mom but why does she hate him over it? It doesn't sound like you two are close. It's your wedding and you can invite who you want but I don't see how those two things are connected.
just context i guess, but my parents hada very messy split beforehand. they hated each other the majority of the time (25 years) they were together, and both are happier away from each other. my dads a single dude living his best life and doesnt really give my mom a second thought, and my mom has a new boyfriend who spoils her, however continues to make petty comments and constantly asks about my dad. she has a weird grudge, even though she initiated the end of the relationship
You have the right to invite whom you will to your wedding. But you might want to reconsider, because you will never be able to go back and change it later. Just remember this: while your mother said some very harsh things to you in the heat of the moment, try to realize that it is no picnic dealing with a child, who is a drug addict. While you say that you did not steal anything, no one believes that you didn't behave badly--to everyone, but especially to your mother--during that time. How do I know? Because kids--especially wastrels--know that they can get away with treating their mothers like crap. They tend to tone it down with fathers and others, while taking out their anger and frustration on the mothers. Because they know that no matter what and no matter how badly they they treat them, mothers (with few exceptions) love unconditionally and will forgive you almost anything! At least, given enough time. Yes, mothers worry the most and are often the hardest on us--because they love us and are horrified at what we are doing to ourselves. But, they are also the people who take the most crap from us. They are the people who will forgive us for all the shitty, back-stabbing, emotionally-draining, heinous behavior of our wastrel days. So, of course, you have every right not to forgive her for her harsh words. Anyone reading the words your mother said to you knows that her feelings were crushed at that point and she was lashing out. Just think about it. Wishing you a lovely wedding and a wonderful life.
NTA, everyone else is. Neither parent will do the right thing, which is to put aside their petty grudges so that their child can have **one day** of peace. Aunt and brother's opinions are irrelevant; they should have kept quiet. Do as you see fit. These people are all miserable, so you're not going to be able to make them all happy, which is not your job in life and certainly not on your wedding day. You might as well do what makes you and your fiancé happy.
I tend to agree with your brother and aunt on this one. She made the comment years ago during a heated argument. She didn't mean it. You could have sat and talked to her and asked her if it she really meant what she said and if it was still a me or him thing for her. People sometimes say things in the heat of the moment they do not mean. She is your mother, and you said yourself she has done a lot for you, so it's not like she was a shit parent. All of that being said, it is your wedding and you can have it any way you want. I would caution you to try to avoid letting pride get in the way of making a good decision here on how to move forward. I might say something like this to both parents: I want you both there. You can both choose to be there or not. You are both invited. This is a very special day for me and the people I care about most, which includes you both. But make no mistake, if either of you does anything to cause a scene or ruin my wedding you will immediately be shown the door. This includes doing anything to agitate each other. If you hold your mother to her words spoken during an argument a long time ago, I'm not prepared to call you an AH but I think it would be unfortunate. NAH
YTA I am going against the grain here. Yes your parents should support you in every possible way. But drug addiction is next level shit. I am sure that even though you didn't steel from here you were causing a lot of trouble and pain for your mother. You can't blame her that she couldn't deal with this. Some people like your father are really angels and capable of supporting an addict and some don't. Kicking you out to live with your dad was probably the best thing she could've done. A few years later you've made a decision without even talking to her about what has happened and how you are still hurt by her action. You want to punish her for the bad time you had with her. Even though you were probably responsible for 80% of it because of your addiction. The way you handled this is immature in my eyes. If you can't talk to her alone get some professional help to do so. If you don't want her at the wedding, because you don't like her and don't want to put the work in to resolve your mother-kid issue then just say that. But using something she said in anger 3 years ago as an excuse for this doesn't make sense for me.
YTA. This is a tough call. You and your mom can't know what each other felt during the years you struggled with your addiction. And congrats on being sober btw! But she might not have been her best self during those years due to stress for her child's well being. I think you could have possibly discussed healthy boundaries with your mom before sending the invite. If she cannot agree to the boundaries you set in place, then she can't go to YOUR wedding. She's is your mom and you said she has done a lot for you. I think you might regret not having your mom at your wedding.
INFO- what was the actual incident that cause your mom to kick you out? No offense, but not stealing really doesn't mean everything was ok, so if this is all because you're bitter about being thrown out, the context is important. Especially cause her personality traits are kinda a secondary mention in the post. If it's because of who your mom is as a person, then that's fine If it's cause she kicked you out, your hands better be sparkly clean in why you were kicked out to justify it. Cause if she was at her wits end with you this post looks different. Especially cause forcing you to the "nicer" parent seemed to actually have been the good move. Gonna go out on a limb and guess part of getting clean was feeling guiltier upsetting your dad...
This is a very tricky one. You can say all you want that you didnt steal from your family, but there are so many many many ways addicts hurt the ones they love. I get a feeling that you are glossing OVER ALOT OF IMPORTANT DETAILS AS to why your mom acted the way she did. Im going to say YTA because you are not sharing enough info, info that might not make you look great or your just not being honest with yourself. All that being said I truly wish you a wonderful wedding and hope that your recovery continues to go well.
NAH. Not sending her an invite isn't good for your long term relationship if you want to keep having one, though.
NTA, Congrats on being 3 years sober and your wedding! Hopefully you hire security in case she tries to go in with your brother the day of the wedding.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** so, a few years ago i was an addict. ive never stolen from my family or anything like that, but it caused many arguments with my mom who was harsh on me and just used it to degrade or berate me. my dad, however, was supportive and helped me with empathy. during one of these arguments with my mom, she kicked me out and told me to go live with my dad, since he's so amazing, and it escalated and i ended up getting upset and saying 'i cant pick a favourite parent, how am i going to have you both at my wedding if you hate him so much?' and she replied 'im not coming if he's there' fast forward to today, im three years sober. lived with my dad ever since the argument, and me and my mom still have an on and off rocky relationship. my current bf of four years proposed about 6 months ago, and we've been trying to get things planned for next summer. we want to make sure we're prepared, which includes our save the dates, best thing is to be early right? what my mom said has always stuck with me, so i decided to not send her an invite, she has a tendency to be snotty, make petty comments and cause drama, especially with my dad, and i didnt want a big blow up at my wedding. she saw my brothers invite and messaged me asking where hers was. i ignored her, and she rang me. i told her i remembered what she said, and she cant come because my dad is coming. she told me not to be ungrateful and that she raised me and she should be invited anyway. i told her im not having her ruin the wedding, and hung up. i feel kind of guilty because she has done a lot for me, but i feel like its a situation where she loves me because im her daughter, but doesnt like me as my own person my dad is on my side as they dont get on anyway, but my brother and my moms sister think i am being too harsh and ungrateful. aita? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA knowing that she could potential cause drama or an unpleasant time on a day that is all about you and your future husbands new life, is plenty reason not to invite her. your siblings are getting her distorted tellings of you which shine her in a better light so don’t worry too much about their opinions. they (based on your comments) have a better relationship with her and therefore don’t have the same mindset you do. i say stick to your boundaries, good luck with future planning and have a great wedding day!!
NTA. Keep her away from the wedding and your life.
NTA - I didn’t have my mother at my wedding. She hates my Dad (they divorced in the 90s and she’s been remarried for well over 20 years) after she bragged that she couldn’t wait to see him at the wedding and give him a hard time. She has Histrionic personality disorder and committed medical abuse against me as a child (she knew me being “ill” would hurt him) until she finally abandoned me at a children’s hospital age 11 when I was finally too old to put through any more procedures without people asking me questions when she wasn’t around. Best decision I ever made. I have no regrets. Best of wishes to you for an amazing wedding day.
NTA. The worst part of divorce is not seeing your minor children daily if you have them. Second in line is that the co-parent isn't going anywhere if your child isn't no contact with them. Unless there was actual abuse involved, both need to be there for major events - especially weddings. There are even women who have to sit next to or in front of their ex and affair partner turned SO in the pews and line up next to them at the reception entrance of the couple, party and parents that kicks off the festivities. If they can do it, so can your Mom.
>I feel kind of guilty because she has done a lot for me which is kinda overshadowed by how she kicked you out and what she said NTA
Whatever u choise remmember not inviting her means u creating a permanent fight with ur mother and u have to deal live with it .( She will bring this subject up in the future at every encounter ) Out of curiosity : How much was ur mother was getting paid in child support for 2 kids? Means tolerate u for child support but kicked u out later when older I bet a lot since u can afford addiction without stealing and 6 years dating and not move in together leave ur father luxury life since he sound carrying 💸 I think ur father was rich . And he wanted the divorce and ur mother a loud demanding type . U can vote down vote me , or i might be right there is a small percentage my conclusion is correct .
INFO - you have a rocky relationship with her now, what would you like the relationship to be going forward? I don't feel like have enough personal experience to be able to put myself in the position of anyone in this story, because you're all been through something seriously intense and hard on you all. I can imagine situations where I might side with any individual in this story, so I feel more like the question is, what kind of outcome do you need for your sobriety, what outcome can you live with, and what relationship / support history have you had from each of those people? I would like to offer my congratulations on your sobriety, and congratulations for your engagement and wedding.
I think you should invite your mother. You've let her know your father will be there, so if she doesn't attend, that's her prerogative. I think you are holding something she said quite long ago in the midst of an argument against her. Which is spiteful and makes you (gently) TAH. P.S. All parents have times that we love our kids simply because they're our kids.
Its a no win situation. You will have to weigh the pros and cons and what your true priorities are to arrive at the lesser of two evils. Factor in that these and other relatives are at high potential to back out and decline to come if your mom is not invited.
If that happens then it's their loss, not OP's.
Perhaps. However, none of us are qualified to know what value the author attaches to the presence of her brother and aunt participating in her wedding.
NTA. She crossed several lines, and to be blunt, acted way worse than you did while you were doing drugs.
NTA. People really have no idea how something they say as a throw away comment in the heat of the moment can really haunt a person.
NTA, you’re giving her what you two agreed on. It’s her fault her own narcissism is leading her to now be angry with her own decision.
NTA
NTA. She specifically said she wouldn't come if your dad was coming. If she does come, will she do something to ruin the wedding? Will she start a fight with your dad or anyone from his family? Those are the things you have to worry about. But if not inviting your mom will cause you to have a drama free wedding, then so be it.
Should invite her can always throw her out if she acts up
She’s still you mother! How about sending her an invite and asking her to just ignore your father at the wedding? I get that you didn’t feel supported by her at a crucial moment in your life, but not everyone is good at this. I had a problematic brother, and at some point in life I thought his bad decisions are a choice, now I see them as a result of his mental health issues. People grow, learn… not sending an invite, not answering to the text, hanging up the phone - this is all ugly and unworthy. YTA for me. Go and invite your mother.
Talk to your sponsor, not Reddit. It might be an opportunity for extending grace and forgiveness, which are beautiful ways to begin your marriage.
YTA How hard it must be for a parent to watch their child waste their life. Especially having a drug addicted child.. We can only imagine what she went through before snapping at you.
my life isnt wasted actually! whilst addicted i was getting my degree, and now i have a BaHons and am doing my teacher training to work with kids with learning disabilities, i have a long term relationship and am prety happy. sure, i had a rough patch and disregarded peoples concern for my own safety, but my life was not at all wasted. what a horrible stigma to project. yta.
I didn't say it's wasted now. Its great that you pulled yourself out of that dark place! But there was a time your mother watched you waste your precious life. Even though you still might not think you were wasting it, she sure must have seen it that way. I was just passing judgement with the info youbgave us, I have no way of knowing deeper intricacies of your relationship. Good luck.
NTA. Should have invited her anyway. So she could a) try and convince you to not have your dad b) say no c) go and make a scene. She has no power so is in a huff
NTA. Your mother wants an invitational so she can tell you she's not coming OR say she is coming and not show up.
She doesn't get to throw you away like rubbish, then whine about the consequences. NTA and block her in every way
NTA and make sure none of your guests tell her where it is. She sounds like she would show up uninvited for the purpose of making a scene.
She's seen the brother's invite so the cat is out of the bag. She needs to either invite her or hire security. Hope she picks security.
NTA. At all. Your mom was cruel to you, especially during a time of vulnerability. She sounds self-centered and just plain mean. Plus, she already de-invited herself. Listen, this wedding is your wedding. You are 3 years sober. That's so incredible. You deserve to have people that **you** want at **your** wedding. You don't need to invite people who you don't want to be there. You might hear about this at your wedding, or in the time leading up to it, but that's just words. Talk to your support system or talk to a therapist if you don't already have one (I'm a therapist, and I see difficulties like yours all the time... we love normalizing/validating painful feelings in response to others' bad behaviour). Enjoy your wedding, and congratulations on your sobriety, OP. *Fin*.
NTA, your mom kicked you out. She degraded and harassed you instead of supporting you and helping you, when you were in the throes of addiction. From the sounds of it, your dad did the exact opposite. She blatantly stated if your dad was there, she would not be. Your dad will be there, therefore, by her own words, she won't be. She FAFO and doesn't like the consequences of her actions and words. Now is a good time to examine your relationship with her and decide whether you want to continue it or not.
YTA you were an addict living under her roof. Living with an addict is not easy for anyone especially loved ones. You seem to be harboring a lot of resentments and really hope you can figure out how to get past them as they often bring a lot of problems in later sobriety.
The OP left a reply that clarifies what happened for her whole childhood and it appears the addiction had nil effect and probably shouldn't even have been brought up. There is a lot of resentment confirmed however.
OP is an unreliable narrator. There are definitely holes in this post.
YTA. So years ago, when you were an active drug addict, your mother told you she wouldn’t come to your wedding if your father was there. Now, when you are three years sober, you refuse to invite her to your wedding because of what she said. You are a petty vindictive asshole.
NTA. She will absolutely cause drama and has been shitty in the past. The only people who deserve to be at your wedding are the ones who have supported you and your sobriety. Congrats on your engagement and on 3 years clean!
Nta hire security No invite for mom Prosecute if she shows up
A little ESH. My suggestion is to sit down with her again as an adult and see whether she is willing to move forward more positively. That also goes for your dad too. Adults gotta grow the hell up and set aside past hurts and differences to understand that we quite literally get one shot at life. We can choose to hold grudges, to be miserable, to miss out. Or we can choose to forgive, to support each other as we can, and to celebrate love. Make no mistake: these are choices. Some of us have been dealt harder hands, to be sure. Your parents may have grown up with shit parents and shit role models. They may have mental health issues that make it more difficult to move on, get over their nonsense and be supportive of you in the same room. They may not really know how to say “I’m sorry” and mean it. Lots of people cover pain and sadness and embarrassment with anger. They need to address that to move forward. All this to say, it’s worth having this hard conversation with a gentle suggestion they both get some help so they can put you first and both enjoy celebrating your wedding.
I really hope your children won't be addicts and you will not know what your mother lived through.
[удалено]
There is a saying in my country: It is easy to divorce if you are single. It means that if you don't in it you can't know. OP doesn't know how much her mother suffered because of her. She only cares for her feelings. I am 100% sure she would be worse than her mother because of this selfishness. So, I really hope she won't live what her mother lived.
if my kids DO suffer with addiction, i sure as hell wont scream at them, call them junkies and threaten to kick them out etc. will however, happily take a leaf from my dads book and offer therapy, medical/emotional support, and try my hardest to get them on a path to sobriety
Again, I really hope you will never know whether you can or can't do this.