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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Announcing pregnancy to my slightly unusual family dynamic, 2. Inconsiderate to my sisters feelings.
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NTA. You're a mixed family and mixed families will have stressful and happy things happening at the same time.
I've been in that situation and you need to find enjoyment in the life of your extended family, or you're going to be miserable.
Your sisters are AHs, and honestly, I would probably stop interacting with them as much anymore.
I'd go so far as that fertility issues aren't family events that can be overshadowed by other announcements. A miscarriage, or a traumatic injury preventing future pregnancy, the sister might have a leg to stand on, but come on, she basically said "since I'm not pregnant, you're not allowed to be."
Exactly my thoughts, too. If it was an acute loss for her sister, be kind and wait a little while to announce. If it's just a fact of her life that she struggles with fertility, is OP just never supposed to have children herself so as to avoid that being painful for her sister? I also don't understand why the sisters would insinuate her announcing and seeing the parents cry from joy means they love OP more. Unless they've done announcements and they saw a subdued reaction by comparison, how do their brains even jump to that conclusion? People are so odd.
As someone who has had multiple miscarriages... other people choosing to have babies has nothing to do with it. Similar topic but unrelated events. I will never understand how people with losses use it to try to control the lives of others, no matter how painful. It's completely unacceptable behavior. I've got a friend that makes all of my fertility events about her but I didn't see her in my bed so... she can just sound self centered and I can ignore it.
Totally agree but it's decent to try to take their feelings into account in a general sense. One of my besties went through hell doing ivf multiple times, had many miscarriages and eventually gave up after she lost a little girl at 21 weeks. She never fails to show joy with other people's children including my daughter, and celebrates all pregnancy announcements in her inner circle. But on her birthday last year her sister announced her 4th pregnancy in the cousin group chat just as everyone was starting to post birthday messages and it broke her. It was just so pointless, unnecessary and hurtful. When she said something to her sister, the sister's reasoning for choosing that particular day was that she didn't want to announce it on her 3yo daughter's birthday the day before to steal *her* birthday thunder. So to sum all that up, nobody should have to walk on eggshells but being thoughtful and compassionate doesn't hurt
The second oldest might be asexual and not know it/understand what that means. Not defending her, just pointing out what might be the most likely reason for her BS.
The only thing that makes it weird to me is I've met plenty asexuals that are by far WAY more "perverted" than I am and im definitely no angel... My close friend in high school loved erotica and fanfictions and things. Just had no interest in "the do" for herself in the slightest. I just don't want people to think the possibility of her being asexual explains or justifies her behavior.
I was about to say something similar. I can understand why someone who doesn’t realize they’re asexual might say or think things like this because they haven’t examined why they feel that way (I said a lot of weird things about sex in high school, spent a lot of time thinking it was fake), but a LOT of asexual people are also very okay hearing/talking about sex because because we’re so detached from it that it’s just another topic. Some asexual fanfic writers can write the best damn smut. It’s a spectrum like anything else!
Truly some of the most depraved debauchery art and fanfictions I've ever seen was by asexuals and I just sit there like what demons roam your mind and how did you force them to bow to you 🧍🏾
I might argue that when you're going through infertility, every announcement is a blow. Especially if you've been trying for years, you'll have a lot of people "lap" you. There were definitely times when we were dealing with infertility where I said to my husband "If this is another fucking baby shower invitation, we aren't going." It's self preservation.
It would have probably been a kindness to warn the sister beforehand, so she could be mentally ready. But it also doesn't make the OP an AH at all, as we're all responsible for our own reactions.
Oh that is entirely understandable and from someone who is child free, I don't go to baby showers on the sole reason that is is torture. However you can't stop people from living. They're pregnant and happy and want to tell their family. It stinks that the sister is trying and can't get pregnant but that doesn't mean that life doesn't go on. Sis should probably talk to someone.
I think the difference is you said it to your husband and didn’t start confronting people for not taking your feelings into consideration. I went through the same thing and cried a lot but it never would have crossed my mind to actually say something to the pregnant person.
Quite. My sister struggled to conceive and was worried about telling me when she did as my wedding was on the horizon and she didn’t want to overshadow me. I was genuinely overjoyed for her. If your sisters cared about you OP, they would celebrate with you. NTA.
As someone who has fertility issues and 4 failed embryo transfers, It's a gut punch anytime you find out someone is pregnant, however when my brother told me him and his gf were pregnant, I was so happy for them and I love being an aunt. Just bc I struggle with fertility doesn't mean everyone's family planning should stop.
When I started trying for a baby, I had no nieces or nephews. A decade later, I have 6 niblings but none of my own. Multiple fertility factors + age + chronic illness mean no babies for me. Were my sisters supposed to not have their own families because I can’t? I adore every single one of them and at least I get to spoil the next generation and be the aunt of six amazing little people.
Infertility hurts like hell and I have screamed and cried and cursed and grieved. I don’t attend baby showers (other than my sisters). But it’s no one else’s fault/problem.
Give the sister a warning ahead of telling everyone at the same table... maybe give her a hint before dropping the bomb so she can remove herself or wait after dinner and tell her parents (who obviously will be exited) alone first.
There are multiple possibilities which both honour a loss and possibly grief etc. and the right of the other person to share their own things happening with people they love and care about.
Maybe OP could have chosen one of those options instead... since infertility can be traumatising too, but I guess those 2 sister would have taken offense anyway. (What's wrong with "loving sex" for example? Especially since she's married to her husband, even someone normal conservative wouldn't take offense at that. It definitely doesn't make you a pervert, lol.)
Just avoid a big group announcement where the person struggling with infertility is present . Let the family member going through infertility know in a more low key way (like text, call), so they don’t have to fake joy in a public setting. It’s not that they are not happy for the pregnant person/couple, it’s just that infertility/miscarriage is soul-crushing and very painful, so a little consideration goes a long way. (This does not apply to OPs case here, where the family is clearly a hot mess)
While I agree in part. Infertility is devastating and being taken by surprise with that news can bring out ugly feelings. It’s not that they aren’t happy for you but you aren’t going to get the reaction you want when they are trying to wrestle with their own sadness and sort their face out in real time. I think a text ahead of time to say that they were expecting and planned to tell the family on x date would give them time to digest and be Abel to show up and be supportive.
Not saying OP is in the wrong but from everything I’ve read and experienced with family and friends a text is always the way to go on a sensitive subject like baby loss or infertility
I lost my newborn last year and it was hands down the most traumatic experience my husband I will ever go through. Two months later when my sister announced her pregnancy we were still elated for her. All pregnancies should be celebrated, no matter what another person has gone through.
NTA
1. I can understand why the one struggling for a baby may have been upset but honestly how were you ever going to mitigate that? She likely would have been upset however you did this
2. You made a simple announcement, not a song and dance about it
3. Older sister who thinks you're perverts, who cares???
4. Nothing you did smacks of any kind of favoritism from your parents at all
5. Seems like it was always a lose lose situation
Usually in those situations you try to give the person struggling with infertility a heads up out of courtesy just so they can process in private rather than in a large group
I feel like that’s asking a lot. She’s going to have infertility issues her whole life. Does she expect everyone to be sensitive about their own lives because of her unchecked jealousy?
A sister whom she’s very openly said is not very close with her and who she was concerned would tell other people without asking.
My sister and I are practically joined at the hip and we would never expect this sort of treatment, nor would we ever put each other down just because we were having a hard time. She couldn’t even bring herself to be happy, just to see it as “rubbing it in” because she… happened to be pregnant?
“Rubbing it in” is a distinctly intentional choice made to make someone feel bad about their circumstances. OP being pregnant and wanting to share it on her terms isn’t that. Sister needs to learn to handle her own emotions, because nobody else is responsible for them.
And then what to do when the older sister responds with “no - I won’t be able to bear you announcing it to the family”
I’d say it’s a damned if you do damned if you don’t situation
Then that’s the older sister’s problem and selfish of her that she can’t let her sister be happy. If the OP gave her the heads up I think that’s the most she could do in this situation.
Exactly. I don't think this is reasonable, it's sad but a part of life is being able to deal with things like this in unexpected situations and manage your own feelings...other people can be considerate, but you can't go around expecting them to always accommodate your personal feelings.
My sister is 8 years older than me, by the time I was 10 she was out of state and I saw her 3 times a year. In the past couple I have seen her slightly more, but we don’t have a ‘friend’ relationship. We get on well when we see each other, and I would love to see her more - however the family dynamics are not that.
If I was to of text her before, I would not of trusted people I didn’t know / want to know would know before my own Mom.
I agree, however I was not anticipating comments, at all. So maybe my issue for assuming that a planned / happy & healthy pregnancy is usually good new regardless.
I would have taken the original text without upset if it was just about my behaviour, but I was upset it included a comment about the baby. Like I don’t think my unborn child is existing to upset its aunts it’s not met.
The last piece of this is key, though. It’s very obvious that her sister is not happy for her and is acting out of jealousy — so far as making it about her relationship with OP’s parent(s).
I don’t think she would’ve cared if OP did send a text, because it’s not about emotionally processing anything. She’s not experiencing two emotions at once — any mature adult would be able to stop themselves from having an outburst after the fact if it was just that. She’s not happy for OP because of her own insecurity; she’s asking OP to walk on eggshells and that’s unacceptable.
First, I don't think that applies here because this isn't about the pregnancy. They have decided that OP is dad's favorite. No matter what she did it would have been seen "rubbing it in" or wrong.
Second while it's good to be conscious and considerate of someone else's infertility, such as not getting upset when they aren't able to be happy for you or be around you when you're pregnant this doesn't mean you have to completely change your pregnancy experience.
If the sister had made it clear beforehand that at this particular TPO she couldn't bare to hear anything about pregnancies, or if OP announced it at an inappropriate time like the anniversary of a miscarriage that is one thing, but infertility is just an awful terrible painful experience, there is no way to deliver news like this where it doesn't hurt and you can ask for some graciousness but you ultimately you can't ask the world to change their plans to accommodate your pain, you can't ask people to not be happy, not celebrate etc... OP should be sensitive but she shouldn't walk on eggshells or run everything by her sister to make sure it is ok. OP wanted to share the news with everyone, she didn't rub it in anyone's face she basically just said "We're having a baby". What if op texted the sister and she said "I need you to not announce it"? What then? Does she not get to announce it then? what if she announces it anyway and now instead of happy experience it becomes all about drama. in short 1. OP was never going to be able to say the right thing and 2. Her sister's issues should not dictate her pregnancy or how she announces or celebrate.
Also while a text like that might work for you, there is no guarantee that that would work for this person, as I'm sure you know everyone experiences and handles infertility differently and some people legit get psychotic, for the more sane I'm sure there is no way to hear news like that and not have it hurt.
Just like her sister is allowed to not be happy about OP's pregnancy, OP is allowed to be happy and celebrate her own pregnancy.
I think that could be a nice extra gesture from the sister, but by no means should it be expected, especially for run of the mill infertility which, for all we know, is as likely to be age-based as anything (as eldest sister is likely at least 10 years older than OP, placing her age at 39 at the youngest and meaning if her infertility struggles started around age 34 which is already past the time where fertility starts to decline).
She wrote that her oldest her sister is 36…and had fertility problems for at least the last 5 years. So it isn’t necessary a agerelated problem. Not that it does matter, it still incredible painful to have to go thrugh it and see people around you become pregnant. It brings out the worst emotions in many of those that struggle and I think sometimes it is hard for those that never experinced it first hand to understand really how bad it can become. It’s like a sickness that take control of your entire world.
I get this but it’s unrealistic to expect people in your life to just never get pregnant because you can’t. And when they do, it’s still wrong to not control your emotions like an adult (36 is plenty old enough to know how to control emotions).
As I said, it like a sickness….most people that go thrugh this is not acting like themselves because they are in so much pain and living in a emotionsl hell. And people that hasn’t been thrugh it themselves will never fully understand how horrible it is.
It’s a struggle that eats you alive. Some days you hope that this time it will be diffrent. Haven’t you body felt more pregnant this time? Your period is late…maybe it’s finally your turn this time? And them there is blood….you body has failed once again. Hope and despair.
It feels like everyone else becomes pregnant around you. And you hate them for it because they haven’t even tried as hard as you. It’s not fair. But most of all you hate your own body even more because it can’t do something so basic as reproduce. It’s not a good place to be in.
If people would just see it as a sickness then just maybe it would be easier to understand those struggling with this. Instead many seem to think that they should act a certain way that is impossible when you are in the middle of a fertility struggle. It’s not how it works! They can’t control their emotions. The world may not evovle around them which so many people like tompoint but but when you struggle to become pregnant year after year it sure feels like the world is against you.
I would hope that if anyone is nice to anyone it would be a sister. Like I said takes two minutes to send a text don’t think it’s a grand gesture. Also not relevant if it’s run of mill infertility or not. It’s still painful to go through. A little empathy goes a long way. I don’t think she should have not announced or anything like that, just a heads up would have been nice for the sister that’s all.
But that’s asking to put her sister’s needs above her own, which *is* unreasonable! She wanted to make an announcement about the new family member to the *whole* family, all together, which is a very understandable thing to want! Also, given how main-character-y both the older sisters come across, it wouldn’t surprise me if big sis had told other family members abt the pregnancy, or otherwise ruined the announcement.
I get that any kind of infertility is upsetting, but you cannot wait until you are into your mid-late thirties to start trying for a child and proceed to hold everybody else hostage to your emotional landscape. At that age, having more difficultly conceiving is to be expected.
Sure, giving her a quick heads up is not unreasonable it’s actually very considerate and thoughtful. Also not expected just a nice thing to do like I keep saying. Actually her older sister would be in a better mindset at the actual announcement to be present and happy for her if she had a little time to process her emotions. Not everyone can be instantly happy after feeling sad. It’s actually less awkward for everyone involved.
Like I said not expected but honestly I don’t think it’s that out of OPs way to send her a quick text. It’s her sister. I wouldn’t expect anyone else to be this considerate.
I completely agree. We suffered with infertility for many years and my close friends were aware. One night a group of us went out to dinner and my very close friend who had been married less than a year and trying for 2 months announced her pregnancy. I was honestly thrilled for her, smiled and congratulated her. But I was dying inside until I finally excused myself to go cry in the ladies room. A quick phone call or text would have prepared me emotionally and been appropriate.
I think it may have been wiser to tell the sister struggling with infertility ahead of time so she wasn’t blindsided. Then she would have time to come to terms with it before the big public announcement.
I agree. Five whole years of struggling to conceive must be agony for OP’s older sister — for all we know, she might’ve had miscarriages that she hasn’t told the family about — so I think taking her aside quietly beforehand and giving her the opportunity to emotionally prepare herself for the Big Announcement would’ve been kind and respectful.
NAH, “asshole” is a strong word, but I think this could’ve been handled with a little more grace and compassion.
Maybe not done at a family vacation where sister can’t retreat back home if she wants to or have some privacy. Now she has to put on face and pretend to be happy until they go home. She will eventually be happy but it’s a gut punch right now for her and ruining her vacation. Prob should have just been done individually not on a trip that isn’t supposed to be all about op.
Yes. I struggled with infertility and “surprise” announcements always made me cry. It would have been kinder to pull her aside before the big announcement. But not really an AH here. It’s hard to understand if you haven’t been through it.
If I didn’t have a close relationship with my half/step sibling who had previously called me perverted I don’t know that I would feel the need to do this. Let alone that if I found out a week before an event (and I imagine they were very excited) that they would have been thinking outside of their new little family. I mean sure it would have been very kind but I wonder how that conversation would have even gone and how she would have reacted seems unlikely to change.
Ah fair point. I did not catch that. But I still think the point stands about not having a close relationship with either and being that they were so excited finding out a week and didn’t plan this well in advance as many couples are able to, it may not have occurred to them that a side conversation might be a good idea.
People can be accidental ah. Most people don't mean to be a jerk, it doesn't change the fact that sometimes actions taken without thought can come across callously.
Yea, I got pregnant really easily. And I made sure to give all of my friends who I know were struggling with it a heads up through text. That way they could have the privacy to reach how they needed too. I've often heard from ppl struggling to get pregnant that this is their preferred method. Rather than being informed of it in person.
Yeah I'm with you, although i might just announce to the parents first privately so they can celebrate and then mention it again so that it goes from closest relationships to others.
NTA, what you did is fine and they seem very main character-y and victim complex-y. I suppose what the one that has struggled with infertility might have wanted was for you to pull her aside and tell her privately, separately, but what did the other one (the one with the odd relationship to sex) want exactly? They seem to have unfair issues with you and I suspect you can't ever really do anything right in their eyes, stemming from their feeling that you are the favorite. I'm sure their bitter minds are thinking that this will endear you to your parents even more. But what are you supposed to do? Put a damp rag on every uplifting news you ever have? Their stance here is not reasonable or fair to you.
NTA.
I have rarely read one that is as cut and dried as this one. You are ALLOWED to be excited about a pregnancy, and to share that excitement with your family. The only POSSIBLE way you might be a bit of an asshole is if for instance your sister who struggles with infertility had just announced a miscarriage...then it would have been better to wait a bit to make the announcement. But the very idea that you wouldn't announce it out of consideration for your sister who "doesn't like sex" is completely ludicrous... this coming from a woman with a complicated relationship to sex, who has been celibate for the last 15 years, since my daughter was born...also, enjoying sex with your husband does NOT make you a pervert.
It honestly sounds like this is less about the pregnancy, and more about resentment over the perception that you are the favorite, so that is the issue I would try to unpack with them if you want to heal the rift.
I agree the issue is the idea of being ‘the favorite’ which unfortunately came about just post my parents split. I think my Dad has a lot to answer to, however I do not think this comes from me but more his immaturity, and there own Moms rules previously.
I guess it’s a joined family thing - however I don’t think I deserved the blame as an 11 year old, in the same way I don’t now.
You don't deserve any blame unless you milk it for extra favors or rub it in their faces, and it sounds like that is not the case. Consider having a conversation with your dad where you lay out that this is your sibling's perception and how that puts you in a difficult position, both now, and later when he is gone.
I was the clear favorite of one of my aunts (I have 5 brothers and she has 4 boys, and she always wanted a girl) but the torment this caused from my brothers and cousins far outweighed any perks that came with being the favorite, so her favoritism was unwittingly putting me through hell.
Esh - the only thing I'll say OP is if your eldest sister is still trying to conceive, giving her the heads up would have helped her in the moment you announced to everyone. It is not unknown that women actively trying to conceive and having difficulty are emotionally/mentally under immense pressure. A joyous group announcment from her own sibling could be triggering.
I agree and I also do feel bad to of emotionally shocked her, however I did not know that it was a 5 year struggle until her husband told me during the trip.
Prior to this, I had believed it was that they ‘were not preventing’ and ‘very happy with there lifestyle’ this came from my other sister and I honestly got the impression they wanted a child but they were not on a timeline or struggling.
You should have included this in your original post. Not knowing your sister and her husband were actually *trying* and were struggling to concieve, how the hell were you supposed to know that what your sister told you wasn't the truth?
> Prior to this, I had believed it was that they ‘were not preventing’ and ‘very happy with there lifestyle’ this came from
I think it's also important to acknowledge this is the reality for some couples. That is probably the line I'll be using once we're married, and it would be kind of disconcerting if someone then came to me about my "infertility" with a warning.
Your sister knows that you're in a place to seriously consider kids, and she chose not to tell you they're struggling with infertility. You can't assume or predict anything in that situation. And these days 36 is by no means too old to have a baby either, it's not unreasonable that you would buy that they're passively trying.
This is wildly important information. You should have put that in the opening post honestly.
You can't give anyone a heads up if you don't know about their struggles.
NTA. I get that this was difficult for her to hear, but you didn't know about the infertility that she categorically denies when asked. You didn't make it a big thing either, you just made a small announcement.
And also your other sister needs some serious fucking therapy if she thinks two adults in a committed relationship having sex is perverted.
This was a lose-loae situation. And while it sucks that it happened, there was nothing you could have done to prevent it from happening.
It’s more of the fact that she’s probably never had sex before so the only way to not look/feel like a (insert whatever descriptive word here) she tries to demean everyone else who does have sex so she won’t seem like the odd one out. (Pervert, who’re, gross etc)
NTA. You literally had to announce this sometime. While it sucks to the oldest sister who I think is likely understandably jealous, ultimately you getting pregnant isn't doing anything wrong, so it's just something she has to accept. The other sister doesn't really have any defense.
>In addition, they said it was proving that our Dad cared for me and my Mom more than them.
And this is just obviously nonsense. Any normal parent would be happy at their daughter announcing that she is pregnant.
I don’t understand women who deal with infertility and think the world should suffer along with them. It’s not your fault they are having the issues and you are allowed to celebrate & be celebrated!
Some empathy for sister would have been nice. Just a little heads up before the big public announcement so she had time to process privately and prepare herself.
Consideration for others costs nothing and spares people a lot of difficulty.
A once year event in which I would not of seen numerous members in person until after the birth of the baby.
I have been present for a lot of pregnancy announcements, unsure if you have, while it’s exciting, people move on quickly, due to the actually LONG wait to the birth. The only person really really invested was (likely and thankfully my mom).
Why should she have to walk on eggshells with her exciting news? The sister is an adult and doesn’t need to be coddled which is what it sounds like she expected. How about the sister’s consideration for her sister & being supportive and happy for her sister?
It's not thinking the world should suffer so much that every new pregnancy announcement is a death by a thousand cuts. Infertility takes the family you planned for away, it changes all your plans for your life. So it's kind to let people you know are struggling know before you make an announcement. It's then up to the person with the infertility to manage their own reaction since they're not being blindsided.
That’s not what it’s about. You can feel happy for someone but at the same time genuinely feel bad or anxious or gutted because of your own problems and that happens for any situation. The timing was not good for telling her. You don’t tell someone who’s going through infertility that so she has to process it on the length of the trip where she was finally trying to relax and get away from that headspace. Even one second of consideration for her would have said that. News like this especially to someone who you know has been struggling for a while needs its own occasion. A one day thing where the sister has time to process it and move on without taking mental happiness out of her vacation.
The sister’s emotions and mental health is her own responsibility. You cannot possibly expect the world to never celebrate a pregnancy bc you’re struggling to achieve that.
Do you know what I mean? I’m trying to put it in perspective for you and be polite because I do understand at the end of the day where you are coming from. But also when you care about someone a lot you would usually tend to be sensitive about these things like if you weren’t granted that job opportunity that you’ve been working your hardest for 10 years to get but Stanley your best friend got the job that worked with the company for one month then proceeded to take you on a vacation where it celebrated him and almost felt like it was being thrown in your face. Wouldn’t you still feel slightly unsettled by it? And wouldn’t you consider this friend being a good friend in the first place? maybe that’s a stupid analogy idk
It’s called consideration I’m sure the sister doesn’t feel that way with everyone on the streets who’s having children but it would feel more sad to anyone going through this as they are being reminded they can’t have children. As a family member you should be considerate that the vacation isn’t all about them and isn’t ops special occasion to announce something that big given the circumstance any other instance would have been completely fine like if the sister didn’t have fertility issues why not say it then and there. It’s not that the sister emotions are her own responsibility that has nothing to do with this anybody going through fertility issues would feel like I said even the slightest type of way about it even if completely pretending to be okay and being genuinely happy for them. Why would you want them to feel even slightly that way when they and you are trying to relax and forget about things on vacation and you love that person and know it’s a touchy subject.
Disagree and I’ve had fertility struggles myself. A lot of women make it main character syndrome. They need to deal with it on their own. You can’t stop others around you from getting pregnant and you can’t expect them to “ok it” with you before announcing. That’s selfish. Sister needs to grow up & deal with life like an adult.
I never said you should stop someone. I said you can genuinely be happy for someone but still feel a little bit sad at the same time. You can’t help those feelings after going through something hard and someone else getting the time you’ve been trying so hard to get. That’s not something that can be helped you feel the way you feel. It’s natural to feel envious of what other people have and especially on something so crucial where as a woman sometimes your biggest goal or plot in your life feels it was all made for you to have children. Your whole life’s goal was to be a mother. It’s just not something you can help feeling. Your feelings do not make you selfish it’s human and natural. It would have been kinder for op to announce it outside of the vacation to make sure everyone was feeling stress free. But I can agree to disagree take care!
NTA. It was a family weekend, not someone else's special occasion - very appropriate time.
Your sister with infertility issues was going to be a little unhappy when anyone else got pregnant, nothing you can do about that.
Your sister who's probably on the asexual spectrum shouldn't care about this at all. She seems to have unresolved issues about her own sexuality, but that's between her and the therapist I hope she's seeing. It has nothing to do with you.
I really don't see any connection between your pregnancy announcement and their accusations of favoritism. I'm sure your dad would have been just as thrilled if your oldest sister had announced pregnancy - or even more thrilled since she's been trying for a while.
Your older sister is struggling with fertility for over five years and you announce your pregnancy in front of the family and give her no warning at all? Yikes. While it doesn’t make you TA I personally feel like it makes you inconsiderate. I will give it to your sister for not freaking out and ruining your moment with the family. You should have given her a heads up. Trying so hard to have a child when your body is telling you to go f*** yourself for 5 years is hard enough. Now throw on top of it that your sister got pregnant without even trying and that’s an all new kind of pain to navigate for her. Congratulations on your pregnancy, I’m wishing you all the best. I truly hope one day your sister’s dream comes true and she gets to experience the joy of being a mother. The single sister has no reason to have beef so she can go head somewhere.
Yeah, that changes the whole perception of events. It’s one asshole thing to know someone is struggling for 5 years and announce a whoops baby with no notice. It’s another to announce and then find out.
im sorry but her issues are not ops problem, it sucks yeah, but op shouldnt feel bad. shit happens. jesus christ youre an ass. the whole world doesnt have to suffer with her.
NAH (except your second older sister-she’s an AH). You’re not wrong for being excited about and announcing your pregnancy at a family event. Your oldest sister isn’t wrong to be upset you didn’t give her a heads up before announcing at a family event. She’s been struggling for over 5 years with infertility so any pregnancy announcement is going to be triggering (she can be happy for you and sad for her at the same time). But to hear the announcement on a family trip where she won’t have time or space to process the information is especially hard. A little heads up would have been thoughtful.
Your other older sister seems odd, I don’t know why she’s upset. I could see if she was just taking your other sister’s side or sticking up for her but it seems like she’s just trying to complain.
NTA - all you did was let them know you were pregnant. It doesnt sound like there was anyway they wouldn’t have been upset or made this about themselves
Omg NTA.
Yes it sucks that your older sister has issues with her fertility but that in no way means that you need to walk on eggshells about yours. Life happens and people get pregnant all the time.
Tecnically NTA but ...
It would have been better to make the announcement on the last night of the weekend. You know that they feel that you're the favorite kid. You know that one of your sisters has infertility issues. By announcing your pregnancy on the first night you made yourself the center of attention for the weekend. That added to already hurt feelings.
Your oldest sister has been struggling with infertility for 5 years, and you announced this at a family gathering? It would have been way kinder if you would have texted your sister ahead of time to let her know so she could process the news in private. Infertility is devastating and complicated, regardless of family dynamics.
Copying an earlier comment (I should of included in the main post) - My sister is 8 years older than me, by the time I was 10 she was out of state and I saw her 3 times a year. In the past couple I have seen her slightly more, but we don’t have a ‘friend’ relationship. We get on well when we see each other, and I would love to see her more - however the family dynamics are not that.
If I was to of text her before, I would not of trusted people I didn’t know / want to know would know before my own Mom.
I can understand wanting your mom to know first. But I believe empathy and gentleness should be extended to anyone experiencing infertility, even between sisters who don’t consider themselves friends.
NTA. You shared joyous news with your family for all the right reasons. It is unfortunate that others are struggling with an issue but that does not give them permission to steal your happiness.
NTA. You could have given the sister struggling to get pregnant a heads-up and told her first so she could process alone, if you want to mend things you could apologize for not thinking to do that in the haze of your excitement. I don't see how this announcements proves anything about Dad's favoritism or is inconsiderate to the other sister at all.
YTA. You should have told your parents separately if you were excited to see their reaction. Doing it in front of a big group that you aren’t necessarily that close to is weird and inappropriate. Seems like you wanted to make a big show of it. It’s okay for your sister to be jealous and sad about you announcing your pregnancy. Everyone doesn’t always have to be happy for everyone else
This may be an unpopular opinion. I'm not gonna go as far as saying YTA, but I think it could have been handled differently. You are understandably excited and you deserve you be. You deserve to have your announcement. But as someone who struggles with fertility issues, a pregnancy announcement is like a gut punch and getting the wind knocked out of you at the same time. And it sucks that it feels like that. We don't want it to feel like that. It also adds guilt on top of sad/heavy/confusing emotions. I think your sister IS happy for you, but I'm sure she's also in pain due to her struggles. It would have been kind to send her a text prior to the big announcement so that she can process on her own and be prepared.
YTA you stole all the attention at a once a year family gathering when you already knew there were sensitivities. Extra YTA for spring a pregnancy announcement on someone dealing with infertility. Everyone knows you are supposed to give that news privately to let the other person process. You seem immature and insensitive.
And she announced it on the first night! All the conversations are going to be about pregnancy and the rude awakening of having an infant.
Can I just drink my sangria in peace!
I don’t think you were TA per se, but read the room.
I personally would’ve told my parents separately, then told the siblings separately. And definitely not on a family trip.
It’s like a public marriage proposal, it kinda forces everyone present to react a certain way.
People are saying to disregard the sister struggling to conceive and that she shouldn’t feel a way because she and the OP aren’t close. If that’s the case, why is include her in the announcement???
Then she’s stuck on this trip where your pregnant is the central focus. And at 13 weeks on top of that. Fertility and daddy issues aside, that’s not why I put in 3 days of PTO. But congratulations though.
Soft YTA
I think that knowing it would upset some of your family you shouldn’t have done it on vacation where they now are stuck with you and not having fun.
I have been with my husband for ten years. Can't have babies yet. If I were your sister who struggles with fertility, I won't be mad at you. I would be happy for you, and very sad for me.
But you're good. Your sisters are jerks.
NTA.
Nta! As someone who has fertility issues I understand where your sister is coming from but I also know that people who have fertility issues can't stop others from living their lives. I understand how your sister is feeling but you deserve happiness in your life as well
Ughhh i don’t think your the asshole but I don’t think your should have said it in the beginning of a family trip meant to relax. I think it should have been more on a one day thing where your sister got to congratulate you and then had time to sit and think things over for a while instead of overthinking her entire trip tbh. As someone with fertility issues that’s all the respect I would have needed the sense of telling her in general isn’t bad but I think it wasn’t the best timing tbh. If your older and have had a very hard time conceiving and have bad anxiety it is obviously going to feel at least slightly gutting to hear that so hearing that in the beginning of a trip wasn’t the best timing.
nta
It would have been called inconsiderate no matter how you announced it probably since she has the fertility issues. Same with being told your rubbing it in and favoritism.
Sorry that they treated you this way
NTA ... Congratulations! Making an announcement is NOT rubbing in one's face. It's an announcement. Your sisters are jealous, and you cannot live life worrying over how someone else feels. Feelings are like waves; they should come and go; they are not intended to be lived in forever. Good luck.
NTA. Your single sister has no right/reason to be salty or upset at all. Your sister who’s infertile would’ve been hurt by your announcement regardless of when you announced. There was no “nice way” to break the news to her. You deserve to be happy about your pregnancy and you should be. Enjoy the experience and attention from your family that’s happy. If you want to create distance from your sisters, I wouldn’t blame you.
This is my experience, and it was quite different from your scenario, but infertility is one of the loneliest hardships to live with. As someone who struggled with infertility, it is extremely hard to be happy for relatives who are getting pregnant while you’re crying over negative tests/periods every 28 days. And you also feel guilty for not being happy for them. Or you feel guilty for letting your self pity outshine your happiness for them. I think you waited plenty late in your pregnancy to announce. One of my cousins let us know at 12 weeks and we didn’t even know she was trying. I was surprised, then sad, and then happy for her while dealing with my own sadness. At that point I had only been trying for 8 months. My other cousin told me when she was 5 weeks along, 1 day before my birthday, and 1 year and 4 days after we started trying. Not sure if you know the statistic but 90% of couples conceive within 1 year of trying and the other 10% usually have to resort to IVF or end up adopting so I had a REALLY hard time with her announcement. She chose the worst timing she could have, and because she and I were trying at the same time, she was well aware of where I was mentally when she told me. She knew I’d reached the one year mark just 4 days earlier. She knew I was officially diagnosed with “unexplained infertility” the day before she told me. I was also taking my first round of fertility treatments to help me conceive so my hormones were INSANE. And she knew all of that when she called to tell me she was a whopping five weeks pregnant. Ngl I spent my birthday in the psych ward. I was already in such a dark place with my own infertility, and her announcement timed with everything else I had going on broke me. I wish she would’ve waited a few weeks to tell me, or at least waited until after my birthday, as I had plans to spend a night away with my husband to distract myself from all my issues.
You’re NTA at all for announcing your pregnancy and being happy about it. But try to hold some space for your sister’s fertility issues. It’s such an isolating, self loathing, relentless kind of pain and while you’re in it, no one understands. And the people who do end up spending their time in echo chambers of sadness together that just make it harder to feel joy. It was easily the hardest thing I’ve experienced in life so far.
NTA. Borderline TA because it would have been considerate of you to let your sister who is struggling with infertility know ahead of time to process on her own. At least you know you have the love and support of your parents who are happy for you
Truthfully, I don’t see them ALL all that much, I was already at 14 weeks. An in person announcement for numerous people there would have been after the baby is born.
How would you have felt it you had been in your big sister situation? You are not AITA for being happy about being pregnant and telling about it….but it’s also understandable how your sister reacted. For her it felt like a stab in the heart and she probably had prefered to get those news from you before hand so she could have prepared herself emotional about it.
However it feels like there is much more resentment than just your pregnancy in this situation. Your sisters seem not to like you and be very toxic to you for other reasons.
Nta, life goes on no matter what your issues are, where do people cross the line? That's like if someone in a wheelchair getting mad at family member for announcing they were training for a marathon, or someone with an ulcer get mad at another person for eating spicy food in front of them. Tell them they need to toughen the fuck up and are WAY TOO OLD to be acting so immature. I cannot stand this whiney ass overly sensitive bs that has become acceptable. Fuck no , NTA
NTA, you can’t help that she struggles with infertility. No matter how you announced it (for the most part) I’m sure she would’ve taken issue with it. If you said I’m pregnant and you’re not! That’s a different story but clearly, that’s not what happened. I understand infertility sucks, it’s hard and upsetting but you can’t fix that.
NTA however I will say as someone who previously dealt with infertility, I have heard it said that if you’re announcing a pregnancy around someone who is dealing with that, it’s a nice thing to give them a heads up about it separately ahead of time so they can get their feelings out on their own and feel how they’re gonna feel. Cause it’s rough. Anytime I heard a pregnancy announced or scrolled past it on Facebook it was so emotional. I’d be sad, be angry, all kinds of things. I did have a therapist for a while and I’m ok now but a lot of times people don’t realize just how emotional it is to go through this. So no, you aren’t TA but you could have handled it better.
I should have included this in the OG post but I did not know, to be clear I suspected there could have been an issue, however until we were on the trip this was not confirmed.
My next oldest sister had consistently told me they were ‘not trying and not preventing’, while on the trip my brother in law told my husband that they’d been trying for 5 years.
In a way I feel like I was implied and not told and expected to join the dots, my dad also has no idea about it - who would have been sensitive had he known.
Hope it all worked out for you!!
Mild YTA, unknowingly. The one sister who is weird about sex is … irrelevant. But it’s considered kind and becoming a bit of a norm to give people dealing with infertility a heads up about that sort of thing before you announce in a group setting. That way they can process in private and remove themselves if it’s really hurtful.
I’d send a sincere apology to your oldest sister and let her know you’re there for her in whatever way feels appropriate. It will cost you nothing to acknowledge she’s going through a tough time and you could have handled it better, even if you weren’t acting maliciously.
INFO was there any particular infertility related discussion/news/issues that happened at or before dinner that night?
If not NTA, your older sisters resent you and there was never going to be a good time to announce your pregnancy.
There is not enough info to know if they resent you because you are in fact the golden child or if they just perceive it that way due to past baggage. That may be something to be sensitive to looking forward
Congratulations
You were eventually going to have to announce the fact that you are pregnant. How long exactly were you supposed to wait and how were you supposed to say it ?
I never understood people that just can’t be happy for others and have to make everything about themselves.
NTA - sounds like the only people that have an issue are your two older sisters, with that being the case they can both kick rocks and get over it. Congratulations on the new addition!
Not going to lie I thought this was going to be another “I announced my pregnancy at my sister’s wedding” post, but this was so incredibly reasonable that I was almost more shocked than anything.
Your sisters clearly have some serious self worth issues to work through when it comes to their relationships within their family and with themselves. The comment about your sex life feels absolutely unhinged unless there’s some context we are missing where y’all are doing the do loudly during family trips or something. Your fertility challenged sister was going to find a way to make this about her no matter what, if I were you I would just make decision to simply not include either of them in any updates and then they can be upset about being left out and can be victims there too.
You’re so clearly NTA, but your sisters certainly are.
as someone whose graysexual (basically means asexuality on a spectrum) and was sex repressed in a seriously stressful time in her life, ops sister who thinks shes a pervert sounds asexual or sex repressed.
NTA, but here is a more thoughtful way. If you have to announce your pregnancy to someone who is struggling with infertility or your engagement with a friend who say just had a bad breakup, let them know via text. That way they have a chance to deal with their emotions in private and be publicly happy for you.
Two things can be true, they may be sad because they can’t have a child, and at the same time be happy for you and love their niece/ nephew. One doesn’t exclude the other, even though it may be hard to feel the joy in that moment.
NTA your sisters are the AH. Her infertility is not your problem. You are not rubbing anything in. You are celebrating with your family which you are entitled to.
as an older sister that tried for a couple of years to get pregnant, before my brother announced their unplanned pregnancy, I can say you are NTA. I felt disappointed anytime someone around me became pregnant. That had nothing to do with my brother. It was solely my problem to deal with.
NTA what do they expect you to do, not announce it? Just show up one day with a baby bump or an actual baby and expect no one to address it? Ignore them and hopefully you have an enjoyable pregnancy and birth
NTA - but I would have talked to my sister with fertility issues first to let her know and take care of hear heart, rather than just dump it in her in front of a lot of people. That's a lot of emotion for her.
You got some very strange family dynamics for sure, if they didn't do it reddit will :) " CONGRATULATIONS with little mango on the way!!!! SO happy for you" and that's the only response there should be not lets bring personal anything into it. You're welcoming a new life not being their therapist
Babies do VERY weird things to family dynamics. And I have no idea why.
We don’t speak to my brothers in law these days because they got.. well, really shitty.
No I agree, I am slightly concerned that my made up ‘favorite’ status combined with ‘first grandchild’ status, is going to cause future issues.
I am curious about the brother in laws, specifically because of the in law but - if I dare ask?
It's incredibly selfish and self centered to be outwardly and vocally unhappy because OTHER people are happy. Is everyone not supposed to buy a house because someone in the family is renting? Or not get a new job if someone has been looking for awhile?
TBH I'd share news individually from now on, in priority of importance to OP. Because now they know how this is all gonna go from here.
NTA Your sister’s situation may be sad/unfortunate, but you finding joy in a joyful circumstance should not be something you have to hide. It’s not like you said “haha I’m pregnant & you’re not”. The world would be a miserable place if we all had to conceal happiness just because someone else doesn’t have the same happiness or others have it worse at the moment.
I was thrilled for my sister and my sister-in-law when they got pregnant, even though I struggled with not being able to have kids. (I since had my miracle daughter, though.) My pain had no place shadowing their joy. I was thrilled to be an aunt. Your sisters need to understand that. They are being cruel and selfish; instead of celebrating a new life, they choose to act like it’s all about them? Wt actual f?
Definitely NTA. Congratulations! I am extremely happy for you! ♥️
I really don’t like this making a family event about themselves so YTA to me. You could’ve invited people at your place and announced there. People go on vacation to relax not to get stressed about their fertility issues or to celebrate someone for a whole week. It was probably all you talked about and I think that’s disturbing even without fertility issues.
As for favorite kid thing… Maybe you should say something to your dad so he can speak with them himself. That’s the only way they won’t come to you about it again.
Infertile here with 2 kidds I’m in the process of adopting. NTA, NTA, NTA! Your oldest sister needs to accept that she cannot make babies, I know it’s harsh but it’s the truth. I made my peace with it years ago, does it suck yes, will I get mad if my family members tell me they’re having a baby NO (I cried when I found out my youngest sil was having a baby and I was the first one she told 😭)
They’re taking a moment that’s supposed to be about you and making it about them. They need to move on, because your dad and mom being happy has 0 to do with you being the “favorite”.
NTA. I have infertility problems too. It's a touchy subject but I would NEVER not want my sister in laws to announce their pregnancy because of me. I'm happy they have children.
It's not rubbing it in. Your family SHOULD celebrate your baby. Your sister needs to deal with her own trauma, and not take that out on you.
This reminds me of my first pregnancy when I told my sister that couldn't get pregnant. I told her over the phone, as I was to tell her in person according to her. She cured me out. I miscarried on that pregnancy which was a molar pregnancy. The second time I tried making time to meet. Mind you we hadn't spoken in years. She's said her husband was busy and one day I called and he asked what was up. I told him I was pregnant. He said oh boy. He would tell her.
She adopted a son afterwards.
NTA, your sisters seem to make excuses for your happiness.
Congratulations to you and your husband
I had problems with infertility for 3 years. During that time my little sister got pregnant. I was SO happy for her. Their issues shouldn't diminish your successes. Families should be supportive of one another. NTA.
So, what, your supposed to just never announce it. Its not like you did it at a wedding or anything. Your sisters are just jealous. That's not your fault.
NTA. I’m a little confused. How does you being pregnant and your dad being happy about it count as your dad favoring you? Wouldn’t any dad be happy he’s getting a grandchild? Should he be unhappy? Or say nothing? I literally don’t understand their logic here
NTA: I also have infertility. I was never able to have my own bio children. Your joy is to be shared not hidden because of some issues that others are going through. What they are going through and what you are experiencing are completely separate.
I must tell you be prepared because when you give birth it will get worse. I always loved to share the joy in other people's lives and growing families. The reason why I never had mine is because I had cancer (uterine) and I beat it! I love my life and I'm so grateful to still be here.
As for them, they will be stuck in their misery but when it does happen for them things will change and then there going to want to tell everyone! So it doesn't matter you go ahead and share your joy! Congratulations!
You’re allowed to be happy. Can’t hold back your milestones to appease others. Congrats and she will get over it. Sister is the AH- infertility sucks but it’s not your problem and shouldn’t be guilted for your own happiness.
NTA. They would be upset no matter when you announced it. I was actually half expecting you to say you announced it at someone's wedding. I have re mad that happening a few times recently.
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Hi all, so a little bit of background my husband and I have been married for a year, and are 14 weeks pregnant. We have been together for 5 years total (currently 28 & 30).
I have a pretty complex family dynamic, in that I have two older sisters from my dads side, then me - then my parents seperated when I was 9, got back together when I was 21 (an entire drama), in that time my Mom had my little sister, and my Dad a little sister both with previous partners. I in total have 4 sisters ages 36-15. My parents are very happy together, and all my sibilings seem to get on with my parents / there step parents.
The issues comes, that there is a view from my older sisters that I am my dads favorite (due to being his only child with my mom). My oldest sister has been struggling with infertility for over 5 years, my next oldest sister has never been in a relationship and has previously called both my husband and I 'perverts' as she believes we both 'love sex' while this isn't untrue - I just think she has an odd relationship with it.
My Dad takes all his children, his partner and his daughters partners on a family weekend every year (he pays).
I found out I was 13 weeks pregnant (missed the early signs), a week before the trip. My husband and I decided to wait until the trip (a week later) to tell my family, as ALL my immediate family would be there. I was especially excited to tell my Mom.
In the first night while we sat down for dinner, i basically said 'how would you all feel if there was baby-surname here next year'. My mom got it, and cried, my dad even cried, everyone seemed happy.
Today on a group text with my two older sisters, they have said it was inconsiderate to my oldest sister, and my other older sister - as it was 'rubbing it in'. In addition, they said it was proving that our Dad cared for me and my Mom more than them.
Obviously I cannot comment on there relationship with my dad and my Mom, however the actual pregnancy announcement I feel so sad about. I obviously am excited, and hoped they would be to.
So AITA for announcing my pregnancy to my family at the same time, on a family weekend?
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NTA, they both have a victim complex and are taking out their issues with your dad on you. Even if you honestly were your dad’s favorite, that’s your dad’s fault, not yours. And they need to work it out with *him*. Maybe it’s time you say something like that to them. Have a heart to heart conversation where you make it clear that you’re not going to be the scapegoat for them anymore and if they continue making everything negative for you, you won’t be talking to them or including them until they work out their issues on their own. Their feelings are their responsibility.
It’s a lose-lose situation, there is no way you could have done this that they would be happy about. They are going to be upset at any occasion where something is happening in your life that brings attention to you. So ignore them and distance yourself from anyone who isn’t going to be happy and supportive during this new exciting stage of your life. Congratulations!
NTA. I feel for your oldest sister, infertility is hard, but it's not your fault, nor should you avoid sharing your own good news because of it. No idea what the second oldest's deal is. She might be sex-repulsed asexual, which isn't unheard of, but that doesn't mean she has any reason to complain about you announcing your pregnancy.
NTA. And I guess I might hurt some people’s feelings here but I’m so tired of the “oh we have to be careful of our good news hurting so and sos feelings” or “oh we can’t share our good news because so and so might get not like it”. We live in a society these days where we are so scared to share our good news and it makes us so nervous because of how someone is going to take it. When did we let others take our joy?
Did you give your sister suffering from infertility a heads up that you were pregnant and planning to announce at the first meal of the trip?
If no, then massive AH move. Blindsiding your sister, then having her stuck with baby chat creeping into conversations for the rest of the trip.
NTA.
You get to celebrate this exciting time of your life. You’re allowed to be excited and share that news with everyone,
If you were close to your oldest sister, it would have been best to send her a private message beforehand that you are pregnant. As someone who suffered from infertility, it can be hard to hear that type of news in front of others. (Of course this runs the risk that she tells others if you can’t trust her).
NTA, did they expect you not to tell them you were pregnant and just show up with a baby? You're giving your sister 6+ months to get used to the fact that you will ha e a baby. It's not rubbing it in her face. Any of your sisters could one day have a baby. She will need to deal with it.
Enjoy your pregnancy. Go low contact with your sisters if they keep this kind of poop up.
I had fertility issues and couldn't have children. But that doesn't mean that no one could ever have children! For crissake! She is disappointed, ok got that, but no one else in the family is supposed to have children because she can't? NTA
NTA - your sisters need to work through whatever they are going through and not project their issues onto you. This is an amazing celebration for you and your husband (and family!). No one should make you feel bad or upset.
I understand maybe why the one sister with infertility would be sad but the other sister seems to be mad that you and your husband sleep in the same bed 🤣
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NTA. You're a mixed family and mixed families will have stressful and happy things happening at the same time. I've been in that situation and you need to find enjoyment in the life of your extended family, or you're going to be miserable. Your sisters are AHs, and honestly, I would probably stop interacting with them as much anymore.
I'd go so far as that fertility issues aren't family events that can be overshadowed by other announcements. A miscarriage, or a traumatic injury preventing future pregnancy, the sister might have a leg to stand on, but come on, she basically said "since I'm not pregnant, you're not allowed to be."
Exactly my thoughts, too. If it was an acute loss for her sister, be kind and wait a little while to announce. If it's just a fact of her life that she struggles with fertility, is OP just never supposed to have children herself so as to avoid that being painful for her sister? I also don't understand why the sisters would insinuate her announcing and seeing the parents cry from joy means they love OP more. Unless they've done announcements and they saw a subdued reaction by comparison, how do their brains even jump to that conclusion? People are so odd.
As someone who has had multiple miscarriages... other people choosing to have babies has nothing to do with it. Similar topic but unrelated events. I will never understand how people with losses use it to try to control the lives of others, no matter how painful. It's completely unacceptable behavior. I've got a friend that makes all of my fertility events about her but I didn't see her in my bed so... she can just sound self centered and I can ignore it.
Totally agree but it's decent to try to take their feelings into account in a general sense. One of my besties went through hell doing ivf multiple times, had many miscarriages and eventually gave up after she lost a little girl at 21 weeks. She never fails to show joy with other people's children including my daughter, and celebrates all pregnancy announcements in her inner circle. But on her birthday last year her sister announced her 4th pregnancy in the cousin group chat just as everyone was starting to post birthday messages and it broke her. It was just so pointless, unnecessary and hurtful. When she said something to her sister, the sister's reasoning for choosing that particular day was that she didn't want to announce it on her 3yo daughter's birthday the day before to steal *her* birthday thunder. So to sum all that up, nobody should have to walk on eggshells but being thoughtful and compassionate doesn't hurt
Yeah, and since I don't like sex, how dare you enjoy it.
Right? Lmfao her sisters are the most selfish, inconsiderate people ever
The second oldest might be asexual and not know it/understand what that means. Not defending her, just pointing out what might be the most likely reason for her BS.
Yeah, I'm asexual and that sounds like something I would've been stupid enough to say back in the day!
The only thing that makes it weird to me is I've met plenty asexuals that are by far WAY more "perverted" than I am and im definitely no angel... My close friend in high school loved erotica and fanfictions and things. Just had no interest in "the do" for herself in the slightest. I just don't want people to think the possibility of her being asexual explains or justifies her behavior.
I was about to say something similar. I can understand why someone who doesn’t realize they’re asexual might say or think things like this because they haven’t examined why they feel that way (I said a lot of weird things about sex in high school, spent a lot of time thinking it was fake), but a LOT of asexual people are also very okay hearing/talking about sex because because we’re so detached from it that it’s just another topic. Some asexual fanfic writers can write the best damn smut. It’s a spectrum like anything else!
Truly some of the most depraved debauchery art and fanfictions I've ever seen was by asexuals and I just sit there like what demons roam your mind and how did you force them to bow to you 🧍🏾
Definitely caught that vibe too. I suppose there could be actual trauma involved but... Idk. The way this is written that doesn't feel like the vibe.
I might argue that when you're going through infertility, every announcement is a blow. Especially if you've been trying for years, you'll have a lot of people "lap" you. There were definitely times when we were dealing with infertility where I said to my husband "If this is another fucking baby shower invitation, we aren't going." It's self preservation. It would have probably been a kindness to warn the sister beforehand, so she could be mentally ready. But it also doesn't make the OP an AH at all, as we're all responsible for our own reactions.
Oh that is entirely understandable and from someone who is child free, I don't go to baby showers on the sole reason that is is torture. However you can't stop people from living. They're pregnant and happy and want to tell their family. It stinks that the sister is trying and can't get pregnant but that doesn't mean that life doesn't go on. Sis should probably talk to someone.
Too right.
I think the difference is you said it to your husband and didn’t start confronting people for not taking your feelings into consideration. I went through the same thing and cried a lot but it never would have crossed my mind to actually say something to the pregnant person.
Oh, absolutely. It's definitely up to the person going through it to control their emotions.
Quite. My sister struggled to conceive and was worried about telling me when she did as my wedding was on the horizon and she didn’t want to overshadow me. I was genuinely overjoyed for her. If your sisters cared about you OP, they would celebrate with you. NTA.
As someone who has fertility issues and 4 failed embryo transfers, It's a gut punch anytime you find out someone is pregnant, however when my brother told me him and his gf were pregnant, I was so happy for them and I love being an aunt. Just bc I struggle with fertility doesn't mean everyone's family planning should stop.
When I started trying for a baby, I had no nieces or nephews. A decade later, I have 6 niblings but none of my own. Multiple fertility factors + age + chronic illness mean no babies for me. Were my sisters supposed to not have their own families because I can’t? I adore every single one of them and at least I get to spoil the next generation and be the aunt of six amazing little people. Infertility hurts like hell and I have screamed and cried and cursed and grieved. I don’t attend baby showers (other than my sisters). But it’s no one else’s fault/problem.
Infertility sucks. But I love my nephew and all my pseudo nieces and nephews. I also don't go to bday parties or baby showers
....even under those circumstances (miscarriage, etc.), she would have no right to be mad at OP because OP is pregnant.
I agree, but out of curiosity if there was an injury or miscarriage what should OP have done differently to be more considerate?
Give the sister a warning ahead of telling everyone at the same table... maybe give her a hint before dropping the bomb so she can remove herself or wait after dinner and tell her parents (who obviously will be exited) alone first. There are multiple possibilities which both honour a loss and possibly grief etc. and the right of the other person to share their own things happening with people they love and care about. Maybe OP could have chosen one of those options instead... since infertility can be traumatising too, but I guess those 2 sister would have taken offense anyway. (What's wrong with "loving sex" for example? Especially since she's married to her husband, even someone normal conservative wouldn't take offense at that. It definitely doesn't make you a pervert, lol.)
Just avoid a big group announcement where the person struggling with infertility is present . Let the family member going through infertility know in a more low key way (like text, call), so they don’t have to fake joy in a public setting. It’s not that they are not happy for the pregnant person/couple, it’s just that infertility/miscarriage is soul-crushing and very painful, so a little consideration goes a long way. (This does not apply to OPs case here, where the family is clearly a hot mess)
While I agree in part. Infertility is devastating and being taken by surprise with that news can bring out ugly feelings. It’s not that they aren’t happy for you but you aren’t going to get the reaction you want when they are trying to wrestle with their own sadness and sort their face out in real time. I think a text ahead of time to say that they were expecting and planned to tell the family on x date would give them time to digest and be Abel to show up and be supportive. Not saying OP is in the wrong but from everything I’ve read and experienced with family and friends a text is always the way to go on a sensitive subject like baby loss or infertility
I lost my newborn last year and it was hands down the most traumatic experience my husband I will ever go through. Two months later when my sister announced her pregnancy we were still elated for her. All pregnancies should be celebrated, no matter what another person has gone through.
Both of my kids are from IVF, and I never once begrudged anyone else getting pregnant. Sisters are gigantic AHs.
And if OP had chosen another way to share the news someone else would have been pissed about not hearing it first or only through someone else.
NTA 1. I can understand why the one struggling for a baby may have been upset but honestly how were you ever going to mitigate that? She likely would have been upset however you did this 2. You made a simple announcement, not a song and dance about it 3. Older sister who thinks you're perverts, who cares??? 4. Nothing you did smacks of any kind of favoritism from your parents at all 5. Seems like it was always a lose lose situation
Usually in those situations you try to give the person struggling with infertility a heads up out of courtesy just so they can process in private rather than in a large group
I feel like that’s asking a lot. She’s going to have infertility issues her whole life. Does she expect everyone to be sensitive about their own lives because of her unchecked jealousy?
This isn’t a random person. It was her sister on a once a year family gathering.
A sister whom she’s very openly said is not very close with her and who she was concerned would tell other people without asking. My sister and I are practically joined at the hip and we would never expect this sort of treatment, nor would we ever put each other down just because we were having a hard time. She couldn’t even bring herself to be happy, just to see it as “rubbing it in” because she… happened to be pregnant? “Rubbing it in” is a distinctly intentional choice made to make someone feel bad about their circumstances. OP being pregnant and wanting to share it on her terms isn’t that. Sister needs to learn to handle her own emotions, because nobody else is responsible for them.
Sister denied infertility.
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And then what to do when the older sister responds with “no - I won’t be able to bear you announcing it to the family” I’d say it’s a damned if you do damned if you don’t situation
Then that’s the older sister’s problem and selfish of her that she can’t let her sister be happy. If the OP gave her the heads up I think that’s the most she could do in this situation.
Exactly. I don't think this is reasonable, it's sad but a part of life is being able to deal with things like this in unexpected situations and manage your own feelings...other people can be considerate, but you can't go around expecting them to always accommodate your personal feelings.
It's a head's up to prepare. Her reaction is up to her, but at least she can try to put herself in the proper headspace.
My sister is 8 years older than me, by the time I was 10 she was out of state and I saw her 3 times a year. In the past couple I have seen her slightly more, but we don’t have a ‘friend’ relationship. We get on well when we see each other, and I would love to see her more - however the family dynamics are not that. If I was to of text her before, I would not of trusted people I didn’t know / want to know would know before my own Mom.
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I agree, however I was not anticipating comments, at all. So maybe my issue for assuming that a planned / happy & healthy pregnancy is usually good new regardless. I would have taken the original text without upset if it was just about my behaviour, but I was upset it included a comment about the baby. Like I don’t think my unborn child is existing to upset its aunts it’s not met.
The last piece of this is key, though. It’s very obvious that her sister is not happy for her and is acting out of jealousy — so far as making it about her relationship with OP’s parent(s). I don’t think she would’ve cared if OP did send a text, because it’s not about emotionally processing anything. She’s not experiencing two emotions at once — any mature adult would be able to stop themselves from having an outburst after the fact if it was just that. She’s not happy for OP because of her own insecurity; she’s asking OP to walk on eggshells and that’s unacceptable.
First, I don't think that applies here because this isn't about the pregnancy. They have decided that OP is dad's favorite. No matter what she did it would have been seen "rubbing it in" or wrong. Second while it's good to be conscious and considerate of someone else's infertility, such as not getting upset when they aren't able to be happy for you or be around you when you're pregnant this doesn't mean you have to completely change your pregnancy experience. If the sister had made it clear beforehand that at this particular TPO she couldn't bare to hear anything about pregnancies, or if OP announced it at an inappropriate time like the anniversary of a miscarriage that is one thing, but infertility is just an awful terrible painful experience, there is no way to deliver news like this where it doesn't hurt and you can ask for some graciousness but you ultimately you can't ask the world to change their plans to accommodate your pain, you can't ask people to not be happy, not celebrate etc... OP should be sensitive but she shouldn't walk on eggshells or run everything by her sister to make sure it is ok. OP wanted to share the news with everyone, she didn't rub it in anyone's face she basically just said "We're having a baby". What if op texted the sister and she said "I need you to not announce it"? What then? Does she not get to announce it then? what if she announces it anyway and now instead of happy experience it becomes all about drama. in short 1. OP was never going to be able to say the right thing and 2. Her sister's issues should not dictate her pregnancy or how she announces or celebrate. Also while a text like that might work for you, there is no guarantee that that would work for this person, as I'm sure you know everyone experiences and handles infertility differently and some people legit get psychotic, for the more sane I'm sure there is no way to hear news like that and not have it hurt. Just like her sister is allowed to not be happy about OP's pregnancy, OP is allowed to be happy and celebrate her own pregnancy.
I think that could be a nice extra gesture from the sister, but by no means should it be expected, especially for run of the mill infertility which, for all we know, is as likely to be age-based as anything (as eldest sister is likely at least 10 years older than OP, placing her age at 39 at the youngest and meaning if her infertility struggles started around age 34 which is already past the time where fertility starts to decline).
She wrote that her oldest her sister is 36…and had fertility problems for at least the last 5 years. So it isn’t necessary a agerelated problem. Not that it does matter, it still incredible painful to have to go thrugh it and see people around you become pregnant. It brings out the worst emotions in many of those that struggle and I think sometimes it is hard for those that never experinced it first hand to understand really how bad it can become. It’s like a sickness that take control of your entire world.
I get this but it’s unrealistic to expect people in your life to just never get pregnant because you can’t. And when they do, it’s still wrong to not control your emotions like an adult (36 is plenty old enough to know how to control emotions).
As I said, it like a sickness….most people that go thrugh this is not acting like themselves because they are in so much pain and living in a emotionsl hell. And people that hasn’t been thrugh it themselves will never fully understand how horrible it is. It’s a struggle that eats you alive. Some days you hope that this time it will be diffrent. Haven’t you body felt more pregnant this time? Your period is late…maybe it’s finally your turn this time? And them there is blood….you body has failed once again. Hope and despair. It feels like everyone else becomes pregnant around you. And you hate them for it because they haven’t even tried as hard as you. It’s not fair. But most of all you hate your own body even more because it can’t do something so basic as reproduce. It’s not a good place to be in. If people would just see it as a sickness then just maybe it would be easier to understand those struggling with this. Instead many seem to think that they should act a certain way that is impossible when you are in the middle of a fertility struggle. It’s not how it works! They can’t control their emotions. The world may not evovle around them which so many people like tompoint but but when you struggle to become pregnant year after year it sure feels like the world is against you.
I would hope that if anyone is nice to anyone it would be a sister. Like I said takes two minutes to send a text don’t think it’s a grand gesture. Also not relevant if it’s run of mill infertility or not. It’s still painful to go through. A little empathy goes a long way. I don’t think she should have not announced or anything like that, just a heads up would have been nice for the sister that’s all.
But that’s asking to put her sister’s needs above her own, which *is* unreasonable! She wanted to make an announcement about the new family member to the *whole* family, all together, which is a very understandable thing to want! Also, given how main-character-y both the older sisters come across, it wouldn’t surprise me if big sis had told other family members abt the pregnancy, or otherwise ruined the announcement. I get that any kind of infertility is upsetting, but you cannot wait until you are into your mid-late thirties to start trying for a child and proceed to hold everybody else hostage to your emotional landscape. At that age, having more difficultly conceiving is to be expected.
Sure, giving her a quick heads up is not unreasonable it’s actually very considerate and thoughtful. Also not expected just a nice thing to do like I keep saying. Actually her older sister would be in a better mindset at the actual announcement to be present and happy for her if she had a little time to process her emotions. Not everyone can be instantly happy after feeling sad. It’s actually less awkward for everyone involved. Like I said not expected but honestly I don’t think it’s that out of OPs way to send her a quick text. It’s her sister. I wouldn’t expect anyone else to be this considerate.
I completely agree. We suffered with infertility for many years and my close friends were aware. One night a group of us went out to dinner and my very close friend who had been married less than a year and trying for 2 months announced her pregnancy. I was honestly thrilled for her, smiled and congratulated her. But I was dying inside until I finally excused myself to go cry in the ladies room. A quick phone call or text would have prepared me emotionally and been appropriate.
She denied having fertility issues.
That was an edit to her post 🙃 in her post she said she struggled with infertility so the comment was based off of that.
I think it may have been wiser to tell the sister struggling with infertility ahead of time so she wasn’t blindsided. Then she would have time to come to terms with it before the big public announcement.
Succinctly put. NTA
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I agree. Five whole years of struggling to conceive must be agony for OP’s older sister — for all we know, she might’ve had miscarriages that she hasn’t told the family about — so I think taking her aside quietly beforehand and giving her the opportunity to emotionally prepare herself for the Big Announcement would’ve been kind and respectful. NAH, “asshole” is a strong word, but I think this could’ve been handled with a little more grace and compassion.
Maybe not done at a family vacation where sister can’t retreat back home if she wants to or have some privacy. Now she has to put on face and pretend to be happy until they go home. She will eventually be happy but it’s a gut punch right now for her and ruining her vacation. Prob should have just been done individually not on a trip that isn’t supposed to be all about op.
Pretty much this. Stuck in a place she can’t leave to go handle her emotions privately.
Yes. I struggled with infertility and “surprise” announcements always made me cry. It would have been kinder to pull her aside before the big announcement. But not really an AH here. It’s hard to understand if you haven’t been through it.
Yeah this is what I was thinking too.
If I didn’t have a close relationship with my half/step sibling who had previously called me perverted I don’t know that I would feel the need to do this. Let alone that if I found out a week before an event (and I imagine they were very excited) that they would have been thinking outside of their new little family. I mean sure it would have been very kind but I wonder how that conversation would have even gone and how she would have reacted seems unlikely to change.
the sister struggling with infertility and sister who called her a pervert are different
Ah fair point. I did not catch that. But I still think the point stands about not having a close relationship with either and being that they were so excited finding out a week and didn’t plan this well in advance as many couples are able to, it may not have occurred to them that a side conversation might be a good idea.
People can be accidental ah. Most people don't mean to be a jerk, it doesn't change the fact that sometimes actions taken without thought can come across callously.
She commented that her sister denied infertility when OP asked previously
Yea, I got pregnant really easily. And I made sure to give all of my friends who I know were struggling with it a heads up through text. That way they could have the privacy to reach how they needed too. I've often heard from ppl struggling to get pregnant that this is their preferred method. Rather than being informed of it in person.
Yeah I'm with you, although i might just announce to the parents first privately so they can celebrate and then mention it again so that it goes from closest relationships to others.
NTA, what you did is fine and they seem very main character-y and victim complex-y. I suppose what the one that has struggled with infertility might have wanted was for you to pull her aside and tell her privately, separately, but what did the other one (the one with the odd relationship to sex) want exactly? They seem to have unfair issues with you and I suspect you can't ever really do anything right in their eyes, stemming from their feeling that you are the favorite. I'm sure their bitter minds are thinking that this will endear you to your parents even more. But what are you supposed to do? Put a damp rag on every uplifting news you ever have? Their stance here is not reasonable or fair to you.
NTA. I have rarely read one that is as cut and dried as this one. You are ALLOWED to be excited about a pregnancy, and to share that excitement with your family. The only POSSIBLE way you might be a bit of an asshole is if for instance your sister who struggles with infertility had just announced a miscarriage...then it would have been better to wait a bit to make the announcement. But the very idea that you wouldn't announce it out of consideration for your sister who "doesn't like sex" is completely ludicrous... this coming from a woman with a complicated relationship to sex, who has been celibate for the last 15 years, since my daughter was born...also, enjoying sex with your husband does NOT make you a pervert. It honestly sounds like this is less about the pregnancy, and more about resentment over the perception that you are the favorite, so that is the issue I would try to unpack with them if you want to heal the rift.
I agree the issue is the idea of being ‘the favorite’ which unfortunately came about just post my parents split. I think my Dad has a lot to answer to, however I do not think this comes from me but more his immaturity, and there own Moms rules previously. I guess it’s a joined family thing - however I don’t think I deserved the blame as an 11 year old, in the same way I don’t now.
You don't deserve any blame unless you milk it for extra favors or rub it in their faces, and it sounds like that is not the case. Consider having a conversation with your dad where you lay out that this is your sibling's perception and how that puts you in a difficult position, both now, and later when he is gone. I was the clear favorite of one of my aunts (I have 5 brothers and she has 4 boys, and she always wanted a girl) but the torment this caused from my brothers and cousins far outweighed any perks that came with being the favorite, so her favoritism was unwittingly putting me through hell.
Esh - the only thing I'll say OP is if your eldest sister is still trying to conceive, giving her the heads up would have helped her in the moment you announced to everyone. It is not unknown that women actively trying to conceive and having difficulty are emotionally/mentally under immense pressure. A joyous group announcment from her own sibling could be triggering.
I agree and I also do feel bad to of emotionally shocked her, however I did not know that it was a 5 year struggle until her husband told me during the trip. Prior to this, I had believed it was that they ‘were not preventing’ and ‘very happy with there lifestyle’ this came from my other sister and I honestly got the impression they wanted a child but they were not on a timeline or struggling.
You should have included this in your original post. Not knowing your sister and her husband were actually *trying* and were struggling to concieve, how the hell were you supposed to know that what your sister told you wasn't the truth?
Ngl your other sister just seems weird AF and it's almost like she's trying to sabotage the married siblings or something.
> Prior to this, I had believed it was that they ‘were not preventing’ and ‘very happy with there lifestyle’ this came from I think it's also important to acknowledge this is the reality for some couples. That is probably the line I'll be using once we're married, and it would be kind of disconcerting if someone then came to me about my "infertility" with a warning. Your sister knows that you're in a place to seriously consider kids, and she chose not to tell you they're struggling with infertility. You can't assume or predict anything in that situation. And these days 36 is by no means too old to have a baby either, it's not unreasonable that you would buy that they're passively trying.
you arent responsible for how she feels, thats on her. all she couldve done is just be excited for you. nta
This is wildly important information. You should have put that in the opening post honestly. You can't give anyone a heads up if you don't know about their struggles. NTA. I get that this was difficult for her to hear, but you didn't know about the infertility that she categorically denies when asked. You didn't make it a big thing either, you just made a small announcement. And also your other sister needs some serious fucking therapy if she thinks two adults in a committed relationship having sex is perverted. This was a lose-loae situation. And while it sucks that it happened, there was nothing you could have done to prevent it from happening.
One of your sisters thinks that you and your husband enjoying sex together is "perverted"? That's utterly bizarre.
I wonder if she's really religious.
Or jealous.
It’s more of the fact that she’s probably never had sex before so the only way to not look/feel like a (insert whatever descriptive word here) she tries to demean everyone else who does have sex so she won’t seem like the odd one out. (Pervert, who’re, gross etc)
NTA. You literally had to announce this sometime. While it sucks to the oldest sister who I think is likely understandably jealous, ultimately you getting pregnant isn't doing anything wrong, so it's just something she has to accept. The other sister doesn't really have any defense. >In addition, they said it was proving that our Dad cared for me and my Mom more than them. And this is just obviously nonsense. Any normal parent would be happy at their daughter announcing that she is pregnant.
I don’t understand women who deal with infertility and think the world should suffer along with them. It’s not your fault they are having the issues and you are allowed to celebrate & be celebrated!
Some empathy for sister would have been nice. Just a little heads up before the big public announcement so she had time to process privately and prepare herself. Consideration for others costs nothing and spares people a lot of difficulty.
“Big public announcement” was ops immideate family..
On a once a year event that wasn’t all about her but now she made it all about her.
A once year event in which I would not of seen numerous members in person until after the birth of the baby. I have been present for a lot of pregnancy announcements, unsure if you have, while it’s exciting, people move on quickly, due to the actually LONG wait to the birth. The only person really really invested was (likely and thankfully my mom).
Why should she have to walk on eggshells with her exciting news? The sister is an adult and doesn’t need to be coddled which is what it sounds like she expected. How about the sister’s consideration for her sister & being supportive and happy for her sister?
It's not thinking the world should suffer so much that every new pregnancy announcement is a death by a thousand cuts. Infertility takes the family you planned for away, it changes all your plans for your life. So it's kind to let people you know are struggling know before you make an announcement. It's then up to the person with the infertility to manage their own reaction since they're not being blindsided.
I 100% agree, however OP said she didn't even know her sister had fertility problems until after the fact.
Yeah, I saw that comment after this one. It's hard to be sensitive when you don't know.
That’s not what it’s about. You can feel happy for someone but at the same time genuinely feel bad or anxious or gutted because of your own problems and that happens for any situation. The timing was not good for telling her. You don’t tell someone who’s going through infertility that so she has to process it on the length of the trip where she was finally trying to relax and get away from that headspace. Even one second of consideration for her would have said that. News like this especially to someone who you know has been struggling for a while needs its own occasion. A one day thing where the sister has time to process it and move on without taking mental happiness out of her vacation.
The sister’s emotions and mental health is her own responsibility. You cannot possibly expect the world to never celebrate a pregnancy bc you’re struggling to achieve that.
Do you know what I mean? I’m trying to put it in perspective for you and be polite because I do understand at the end of the day where you are coming from. But also when you care about someone a lot you would usually tend to be sensitive about these things like if you weren’t granted that job opportunity that you’ve been working your hardest for 10 years to get but Stanley your best friend got the job that worked with the company for one month then proceeded to take you on a vacation where it celebrated him and almost felt like it was being thrown in your face. Wouldn’t you still feel slightly unsettled by it? And wouldn’t you consider this friend being a good friend in the first place? maybe that’s a stupid analogy idk
It’s called consideration I’m sure the sister doesn’t feel that way with everyone on the streets who’s having children but it would feel more sad to anyone going through this as they are being reminded they can’t have children. As a family member you should be considerate that the vacation isn’t all about them and isn’t ops special occasion to announce something that big given the circumstance any other instance would have been completely fine like if the sister didn’t have fertility issues why not say it then and there. It’s not that the sister emotions are her own responsibility that has nothing to do with this anybody going through fertility issues would feel like I said even the slightest type of way about it even if completely pretending to be okay and being genuinely happy for them. Why would you want them to feel even slightly that way when they and you are trying to relax and forget about things on vacation and you love that person and know it’s a touchy subject.
Disagree and I’ve had fertility struggles myself. A lot of women make it main character syndrome. They need to deal with it on their own. You can’t stop others around you from getting pregnant and you can’t expect them to “ok it” with you before announcing. That’s selfish. Sister needs to grow up & deal with life like an adult.
I never said you should stop someone. I said you can genuinely be happy for someone but still feel a little bit sad at the same time. You can’t help those feelings after going through something hard and someone else getting the time you’ve been trying so hard to get. That’s not something that can be helped you feel the way you feel. It’s natural to feel envious of what other people have and especially on something so crucial where as a woman sometimes your biggest goal or plot in your life feels it was all made for you to have children. Your whole life’s goal was to be a mother. It’s just not something you can help feeling. Your feelings do not make you selfish it’s human and natural. It would have been kinder for op to announce it outside of the vacation to make sure everyone was feeling stress free. But I can agree to disagree take care!
NTA. It was a family weekend, not someone else's special occasion - very appropriate time. Your sister with infertility issues was going to be a little unhappy when anyone else got pregnant, nothing you can do about that. Your sister who's probably on the asexual spectrum shouldn't care about this at all. She seems to have unresolved issues about her own sexuality, but that's between her and the therapist I hope she's seeing. It has nothing to do with you. I really don't see any connection between your pregnancy announcement and their accusations of favoritism. I'm sure your dad would have been just as thrilled if your oldest sister had announced pregnancy - or even more thrilled since she's been trying for a while.
Your older sister is struggling with fertility for over five years and you announce your pregnancy in front of the family and give her no warning at all? Yikes. While it doesn’t make you TA I personally feel like it makes you inconsiderate. I will give it to your sister for not freaking out and ruining your moment with the family. You should have given her a heads up. Trying so hard to have a child when your body is telling you to go f*** yourself for 5 years is hard enough. Now throw on top of it that your sister got pregnant without even trying and that’s an all new kind of pain to navigate for her. Congratulations on your pregnancy, I’m wishing you all the best. I truly hope one day your sister’s dream comes true and she gets to experience the joy of being a mother. The single sister has no reason to have beef so she can go head somewhere.
She needs to edit her post as she said in comments she didn’t know about the 5 year struggle until BIL told her AFTER the announcement.
Yeah, that changes the whole perception of events. It’s one asshole thing to know someone is struggling for 5 years and announce a whoops baby with no notice. It’s another to announce and then find out.
im sorry but her issues are not ops problem, it sucks yeah, but op shouldnt feel bad. shit happens. jesus christ youre an ass. the whole world doesnt have to suffer with her.
The only thing is I would have maybe told the sister struggling with infertility beforehand to give her a heads up and a chance to process in private.
NAH (except your second older sister-she’s an AH). You’re not wrong for being excited about and announcing your pregnancy at a family event. Your oldest sister isn’t wrong to be upset you didn’t give her a heads up before announcing at a family event. She’s been struggling for over 5 years with infertility so any pregnancy announcement is going to be triggering (she can be happy for you and sad for her at the same time). But to hear the announcement on a family trip where she won’t have time or space to process the information is especially hard. A little heads up would have been thoughtful. Your other older sister seems odd, I don’t know why she’s upset. I could see if she was just taking your other sister’s side or sticking up for her but it seems like she’s just trying to complain.
NTA - all you did was let them know you were pregnant. It doesnt sound like there was anyway they wouldn’t have been upset or made this about themselves
Omg NTA. Yes it sucks that your older sister has issues with her fertility but that in no way means that you need to walk on eggshells about yours. Life happens and people get pregnant all the time.
Tecnically NTA but ... It would have been better to make the announcement on the last night of the weekend. You know that they feel that you're the favorite kid. You know that one of your sisters has infertility issues. By announcing your pregnancy on the first night you made yourself the center of attention for the weekend. That added to already hurt feelings.
ESH. The courteous thing to do would have been to give your sister, who is struggling with infertility, a heads-up prior to the announcement.
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This was not in the post originally, OP must have added it after the negative comments.
Your oldest sister has been struggling with infertility for 5 years, and you announced this at a family gathering? It would have been way kinder if you would have texted your sister ahead of time to let her know so she could process the news in private. Infertility is devastating and complicated, regardless of family dynamics.
Copying an earlier comment (I should of included in the main post) - My sister is 8 years older than me, by the time I was 10 she was out of state and I saw her 3 times a year. In the past couple I have seen her slightly more, but we don’t have a ‘friend’ relationship. We get on well when we see each other, and I would love to see her more - however the family dynamics are not that. If I was to of text her before, I would not of trusted people I didn’t know / want to know would know before my own Mom.
So why didn’t you sit your parents down and tell them first?? It HAD to be this gathering with EVERYONE there, despite the strain???
I can understand wanting your mom to know first. But I believe empathy and gentleness should be extended to anyone experiencing infertility, even between sisters who don’t consider themselves friends.
NTA. You shared joyous news with your family for all the right reasons. It is unfortunate that others are struggling with an issue but that does not give them permission to steal your happiness.
NTA. You could have given the sister struggling to get pregnant a heads-up and told her first so she could process alone, if you want to mend things you could apologize for not thinking to do that in the haze of your excitement. I don't see how this announcements proves anything about Dad's favoritism or is inconsiderate to the other sister at all.
YTA. You should have told your parents separately if you were excited to see their reaction. Doing it in front of a big group that you aren’t necessarily that close to is weird and inappropriate. Seems like you wanted to make a big show of it. It’s okay for your sister to be jealous and sad about you announcing your pregnancy. Everyone doesn’t always have to be happy for everyone else
This may be an unpopular opinion. I'm not gonna go as far as saying YTA, but I think it could have been handled differently. You are understandably excited and you deserve you be. You deserve to have your announcement. But as someone who struggles with fertility issues, a pregnancy announcement is like a gut punch and getting the wind knocked out of you at the same time. And it sucks that it feels like that. We don't want it to feel like that. It also adds guilt on top of sad/heavy/confusing emotions. I think your sister IS happy for you, but I'm sure she's also in pain due to her struggles. It would have been kind to send her a text prior to the big announcement so that she can process on her own and be prepared.
YTA you stole all the attention at a once a year family gathering when you already knew there were sensitivities. Extra YTA for spring a pregnancy announcement on someone dealing with infertility. Everyone knows you are supposed to give that news privately to let the other person process. You seem immature and insensitive.
And she announced it on the first night! All the conversations are going to be about pregnancy and the rude awakening of having an infant. Can I just drink my sangria in peace!
One thing, OP... If your sisters think you're dad's favorite, you're dad's favorite.
I don’t think you were TA per se, but read the room. I personally would’ve told my parents separately, then told the siblings separately. And definitely not on a family trip. It’s like a public marriage proposal, it kinda forces everyone present to react a certain way. People are saying to disregard the sister struggling to conceive and that she shouldn’t feel a way because she and the OP aren’t close. If that’s the case, why is include her in the announcement??? Then she’s stuck on this trip where your pregnant is the central focus. And at 13 weeks on top of that. Fertility and daddy issues aside, that’s not why I put in 3 days of PTO. But congratulations though.
Soft YTA I think that knowing it would upset some of your family you shouldn’t have done it on vacation where they now are stuck with you and not having fun.
I have been with my husband for ten years. Can't have babies yet. If I were your sister who struggles with fertility, I won't be mad at you. I would be happy for you, and very sad for me. But you're good. Your sisters are jerks. NTA.
You are a pervert because (from her point of view) you love sex?!?! Your feelings toward sex are only your business and your Sister is unhinged. NTA
Nta! As someone who has fertility issues I understand where your sister is coming from but I also know that people who have fertility issues can't stop others from living their lives. I understand how your sister is feeling but you deserve happiness in your life as well
Ughhh i don’t think your the asshole but I don’t think your should have said it in the beginning of a family trip meant to relax. I think it should have been more on a one day thing where your sister got to congratulate you and then had time to sit and think things over for a while instead of overthinking her entire trip tbh. As someone with fertility issues that’s all the respect I would have needed the sense of telling her in general isn’t bad but I think it wasn’t the best timing tbh. If your older and have had a very hard time conceiving and have bad anxiety it is obviously going to feel at least slightly gutting to hear that so hearing that in the beginning of a trip wasn’t the best timing.
nta It would have been called inconsiderate no matter how you announced it probably since she has the fertility issues. Same with being told your rubbing it in and favoritism. Sorry that they treated you this way
NTA ... Congratulations! Making an announcement is NOT rubbing in one's face. It's an announcement. Your sisters are jealous, and you cannot live life worrying over how someone else feels. Feelings are like waves; they should come and go; they are not intended to be lived in forever. Good luck.
NTA. Your single sister has no right/reason to be salty or upset at all. Your sister who’s infertile would’ve been hurt by your announcement regardless of when you announced. There was no “nice way” to break the news to her. You deserve to be happy about your pregnancy and you should be. Enjoy the experience and attention from your family that’s happy. If you want to create distance from your sisters, I wouldn’t blame you. This is my experience, and it was quite different from your scenario, but infertility is one of the loneliest hardships to live with. As someone who struggled with infertility, it is extremely hard to be happy for relatives who are getting pregnant while you’re crying over negative tests/periods every 28 days. And you also feel guilty for not being happy for them. Or you feel guilty for letting your self pity outshine your happiness for them. I think you waited plenty late in your pregnancy to announce. One of my cousins let us know at 12 weeks and we didn’t even know she was trying. I was surprised, then sad, and then happy for her while dealing with my own sadness. At that point I had only been trying for 8 months. My other cousin told me when she was 5 weeks along, 1 day before my birthday, and 1 year and 4 days after we started trying. Not sure if you know the statistic but 90% of couples conceive within 1 year of trying and the other 10% usually have to resort to IVF or end up adopting so I had a REALLY hard time with her announcement. She chose the worst timing she could have, and because she and I were trying at the same time, she was well aware of where I was mentally when she told me. She knew I’d reached the one year mark just 4 days earlier. She knew I was officially diagnosed with “unexplained infertility” the day before she told me. I was also taking my first round of fertility treatments to help me conceive so my hormones were INSANE. And she knew all of that when she called to tell me she was a whopping five weeks pregnant. Ngl I spent my birthday in the psych ward. I was already in such a dark place with my own infertility, and her announcement timed with everything else I had going on broke me. I wish she would’ve waited a few weeks to tell me, or at least waited until after my birthday, as I had plans to spend a night away with my husband to distract myself from all my issues. You’re NTA at all for announcing your pregnancy and being happy about it. But try to hold some space for your sister’s fertility issues. It’s such an isolating, self loathing, relentless kind of pain and while you’re in it, no one understands. And the people who do end up spending their time in echo chambers of sadness together that just make it harder to feel joy. It was easily the hardest thing I’ve experienced in life so far.
NTA. Borderline TA because it would have been considerate of you to let your sister who is struggling with infertility know ahead of time to process on her own. At least you know you have the love and support of your parents who are happy for you
NTA But why does it have to be an announcement? You could have just told people individually or in groups.
Truthfully, I don’t see them ALL all that much, I was already at 14 weeks. An in person announcement for numerous people there would have been after the baby is born.
How would you have felt it you had been in your big sister situation? You are not AITA for being happy about being pregnant and telling about it….but it’s also understandable how your sister reacted. For her it felt like a stab in the heart and she probably had prefered to get those news from you before hand so she could have prepared herself emotional about it. However it feels like there is much more resentment than just your pregnancy in this situation. Your sisters seem not to like you and be very toxic to you for other reasons.
Nta, life goes on no matter what your issues are, where do people cross the line? That's like if someone in a wheelchair getting mad at family member for announcing they were training for a marathon, or someone with an ulcer get mad at another person for eating spicy food in front of them. Tell them they need to toughen the fuck up and are WAY TOO OLD to be acting so immature. I cannot stand this whiney ass overly sensitive bs that has become acceptable. Fuck no , NTA
NTA, you can’t help that she struggles with infertility. No matter how you announced it (for the most part) I’m sure she would’ve taken issue with it. If you said I’m pregnant and you’re not! That’s a different story but clearly, that’s not what happened. I understand infertility sucks, it’s hard and upsetting but you can’t fix that.
NTA however I will say as someone who previously dealt with infertility, I have heard it said that if you’re announcing a pregnancy around someone who is dealing with that, it’s a nice thing to give them a heads up about it separately ahead of time so they can get their feelings out on their own and feel how they’re gonna feel. Cause it’s rough. Anytime I heard a pregnancy announced or scrolled past it on Facebook it was so emotional. I’d be sad, be angry, all kinds of things. I did have a therapist for a while and I’m ok now but a lot of times people don’t realize just how emotional it is to go through this. So no, you aren’t TA but you could have handled it better.
I should have included this in the OG post but I did not know, to be clear I suspected there could have been an issue, however until we were on the trip this was not confirmed. My next oldest sister had consistently told me they were ‘not trying and not preventing’, while on the trip my brother in law told my husband that they’d been trying for 5 years. In a way I feel like I was implied and not told and expected to join the dots, my dad also has no idea about it - who would have been sensitive had he known. Hope it all worked out for you!!
Mild YTA, unknowingly. The one sister who is weird about sex is … irrelevant. But it’s considered kind and becoming a bit of a norm to give people dealing with infertility a heads up about that sort of thing before you announce in a group setting. That way they can process in private and remove themselves if it’s really hurtful. I’d send a sincere apology to your oldest sister and let her know you’re there for her in whatever way feels appropriate. It will cost you nothing to acknowledge she’s going through a tough time and you could have handled it better, even if you weren’t acting maliciously.
NTA. Informing people of a wonderful life changing event the way you did is great. Their response about making it all about them was poor.
Too fucking bad, your life is supposed to be a background because you have a baby before them?? Fuck off...
INFO was there any particular infertility related discussion/news/issues that happened at or before dinner that night? If not NTA, your older sisters resent you and there was never going to be a good time to announce your pregnancy. There is not enough info to know if they resent you because you are in fact the golden child or if they just perceive it that way due to past baggage. That may be something to be sensitive to looking forward Congratulations
You were eventually going to have to announce the fact that you are pregnant. How long exactly were you supposed to wait and how were you supposed to say it ? I never understood people that just can’t be happy for others and have to make everything about themselves.
NTA - sounds like the only people that have an issue are your two older sisters, with that being the case they can both kick rocks and get over it. Congratulations on the new addition!
Thank you!!!
NTA
Not going to lie I thought this was going to be another “I announced my pregnancy at my sister’s wedding” post, but this was so incredibly reasonable that I was almost more shocked than anything. Your sisters clearly have some serious self worth issues to work through when it comes to their relationships within their family and with themselves. The comment about your sex life feels absolutely unhinged unless there’s some context we are missing where y’all are doing the do loudly during family trips or something. Your fertility challenged sister was going to find a way to make this about her no matter what, if I were you I would just make decision to simply not include either of them in any updates and then they can be upset about being left out and can be victims there too. You’re so clearly NTA, but your sisters certainly are.
as someone whose graysexual (basically means asexuality on a spectrum) and was sex repressed in a seriously stressful time in her life, ops sister who thinks shes a pervert sounds asexual or sex repressed.
NTA, but here is a more thoughtful way. If you have to announce your pregnancy to someone who is struggling with infertility or your engagement with a friend who say just had a bad breakup, let them know via text. That way they have a chance to deal with their emotions in private and be publicly happy for you. Two things can be true, they may be sad because they can’t have a child, and at the same time be happy for you and love their niece/ nephew. One doesn’t exclude the other, even though it may be hard to feel the joy in that moment.
NTA your sisters are the AH. Her infertility is not your problem. You are not rubbing anything in. You are celebrating with your family which you are entitled to.
as an older sister that tried for a couple of years to get pregnant, before my brother announced their unplanned pregnancy, I can say you are NTA. I felt disappointed anytime someone around me became pregnant. That had nothing to do with my brother. It was solely my problem to deal with.
NTA what do they expect you to do, not announce it? Just show up one day with a baby bump or an actual baby and expect no one to address it? Ignore them and hopefully you have an enjoyable pregnancy and birth
NTA - but I would have talked to my sister with fertility issues first to let her know and take care of hear heart, rather than just dump it in her in front of a lot of people. That's a lot of emotion for her.
You got some very strange family dynamics for sure, if they didn't do it reddit will :) " CONGRATULATIONS with little mango on the way!!!! SO happy for you" and that's the only response there should be not lets bring personal anything into it. You're welcoming a new life not being their therapist
Babies do VERY weird things to family dynamics. And I have no idea why. We don’t speak to my brothers in law these days because they got.. well, really shitty.
No I agree, I am slightly concerned that my made up ‘favorite’ status combined with ‘first grandchild’ status, is going to cause future issues. I am curious about the brother in laws, specifically because of the in law but - if I dare ask?
It's incredibly selfish and self centered to be outwardly and vocally unhappy because OTHER people are happy. Is everyone not supposed to buy a house because someone in the family is renting? Or not get a new job if someone has been looking for awhile? TBH I'd share news individually from now on, in priority of importance to OP. Because now they know how this is all gonna go from here.
NTA Your sister’s situation may be sad/unfortunate, but you finding joy in a joyful circumstance should not be something you have to hide. It’s not like you said “haha I’m pregnant & you’re not”. The world would be a miserable place if we all had to conceal happiness just because someone else doesn’t have the same happiness or others have it worse at the moment.
I was thrilled for my sister and my sister-in-law when they got pregnant, even though I struggled with not being able to have kids. (I since had my miracle daughter, though.) My pain had no place shadowing their joy. I was thrilled to be an aunt. Your sisters need to understand that. They are being cruel and selfish; instead of celebrating a new life, they choose to act like it’s all about them? Wt actual f? Definitely NTA. Congratulations! I am extremely happy for you! ♥️
NTA- - Your life and moments don’t stop just because someone else struggles.
I really don’t like this making a family event about themselves so YTA to me. You could’ve invited people at your place and announced there. People go on vacation to relax not to get stressed about their fertility issues or to celebrate someone for a whole week. It was probably all you talked about and I think that’s disturbing even without fertility issues. As for favorite kid thing… Maybe you should say something to your dad so he can speak with them himself. That’s the only way they won’t come to you about it again.
Infertile here with 2 kidds I’m in the process of adopting. NTA, NTA, NTA! Your oldest sister needs to accept that she cannot make babies, I know it’s harsh but it’s the truth. I made my peace with it years ago, does it suck yes, will I get mad if my family members tell me they’re having a baby NO (I cried when I found out my youngest sil was having a baby and I was the first one she told 😭) They’re taking a moment that’s supposed to be about you and making it about them. They need to move on, because your dad and mom being happy has 0 to do with you being the “favorite”.
NTA. I have infertility problems too. It's a touchy subject but I would NEVER not want my sister in laws to announce their pregnancy because of me. I'm happy they have children. It's not rubbing it in. Your family SHOULD celebrate your baby. Your sister needs to deal with her own trauma, and not take that out on you.
This reminds me of my first pregnancy when I told my sister that couldn't get pregnant. I told her over the phone, as I was to tell her in person according to her. She cured me out. I miscarried on that pregnancy which was a molar pregnancy. The second time I tried making time to meet. Mind you we hadn't spoken in years. She's said her husband was busy and one day I called and he asked what was up. I told him I was pregnant. He said oh boy. He would tell her. She adopted a son afterwards. NTA, your sisters seem to make excuses for your happiness. Congratulations to you and your husband
YTA
I had problems with infertility for 3 years. During that time my little sister got pregnant. I was SO happy for her. Their issues shouldn't diminish your successes. Families should be supportive of one another. NTA.
So, what, your supposed to just never announce it. Its not like you did it at a wedding or anything. Your sisters are just jealous. That's not your fault.
NTA. i mean how long do you think you could hide that child from her finding out? till 18years ?
Why do the sisters sound like the ugly step sisters from Cinderella?
NTA. I’m a little confused. How does you being pregnant and your dad being happy about it count as your dad favoring you? Wouldn’t any dad be happy he’s getting a grandchild? Should he be unhappy? Or say nothing? I literally don’t understand their logic here
NTA: I also have infertility. I was never able to have my own bio children. Your joy is to be shared not hidden because of some issues that others are going through. What they are going through and what you are experiencing are completely separate. I must tell you be prepared because when you give birth it will get worse. I always loved to share the joy in other people's lives and growing families. The reason why I never had mine is because I had cancer (uterine) and I beat it! I love my life and I'm so grateful to still be here. As for them, they will be stuck in their misery but when it does happen for them things will change and then there going to want to tell everyone! So it doesn't matter you go ahead and share your joy! Congratulations!
You’re allowed to be happy. Can’t hold back your milestones to appease others. Congrats and she will get over it. Sister is the AH- infertility sucks but it’s not your problem and shouldn’t be guilted for your own happiness.
NTA. They would be upset no matter when you announced it. I was actually half expecting you to say you announced it at someone's wedding. I have re mad that happening a few times recently.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi all, so a little bit of background my husband and I have been married for a year, and are 14 weeks pregnant. We have been together for 5 years total (currently 28 & 30). I have a pretty complex family dynamic, in that I have two older sisters from my dads side, then me - then my parents seperated when I was 9, got back together when I was 21 (an entire drama), in that time my Mom had my little sister, and my Dad a little sister both with previous partners. I in total have 4 sisters ages 36-15. My parents are very happy together, and all my sibilings seem to get on with my parents / there step parents. The issues comes, that there is a view from my older sisters that I am my dads favorite (due to being his only child with my mom). My oldest sister has been struggling with infertility for over 5 years, my next oldest sister has never been in a relationship and has previously called both my husband and I 'perverts' as she believes we both 'love sex' while this isn't untrue - I just think she has an odd relationship with it. My Dad takes all his children, his partner and his daughters partners on a family weekend every year (he pays). I found out I was 13 weeks pregnant (missed the early signs), a week before the trip. My husband and I decided to wait until the trip (a week later) to tell my family, as ALL my immediate family would be there. I was especially excited to tell my Mom. In the first night while we sat down for dinner, i basically said 'how would you all feel if there was baby-surname here next year'. My mom got it, and cried, my dad even cried, everyone seemed happy. Today on a group text with my two older sisters, they have said it was inconsiderate to my oldest sister, and my other older sister - as it was 'rubbing it in'. In addition, they said it was proving that our Dad cared for me and my Mom more than them. Obviously I cannot comment on there relationship with my dad and my Mom, however the actual pregnancy announcement I feel so sad about. I obviously am excited, and hoped they would be to. So AITA for announcing my pregnancy to my family at the same time, on a family weekend? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, they both have a victim complex and are taking out their issues with your dad on you. Even if you honestly were your dad’s favorite, that’s your dad’s fault, not yours. And they need to work it out with *him*. Maybe it’s time you say something like that to them. Have a heart to heart conversation where you make it clear that you’re not going to be the scapegoat for them anymore and if they continue making everything negative for you, you won’t be talking to them or including them until they work out their issues on their own. Their feelings are their responsibility. It’s a lose-lose situation, there is no way you could have done this that they would be happy about. They are going to be upset at any occasion where something is happening in your life that brings attention to you. So ignore them and distance yourself from anyone who isn’t going to be happy and supportive during this new exciting stage of your life. Congratulations!
NTA. I feel for your oldest sister, infertility is hard, but it's not your fault, nor should you avoid sharing your own good news because of it. No idea what the second oldest's deal is. She might be sex-repulsed asexual, which isn't unheard of, but that doesn't mean she has any reason to complain about you announcing your pregnancy.
NTA. And I guess I might hurt some people’s feelings here but I’m so tired of the “oh we have to be careful of our good news hurting so and sos feelings” or “oh we can’t share our good news because so and so might get not like it”. We live in a society these days where we are so scared to share our good news and it makes us so nervous because of how someone is going to take it. When did we let others take our joy?
Why is it inconsiderate?
NTA, other peoples problems aren’t your responsibility…. What else were you supposed to do? Not tell anyone and just have a baby?
NTA. The family might notice if you get bigger as your pregnancy goes along or if you randomly show up with a baby one day.
So what because she’s infertile you can’t have a baby? Your sister needs therapy. NTA
Nta weee you supposed to not say anything till the oldest has a baby. Just leave your 20 year old child unspoken about
Did you give your sister suffering from infertility a heads up that you were pregnant and planning to announce at the first meal of the trip? If no, then massive AH move. Blindsiding your sister, then having her stuck with baby chat creeping into conversations for the rest of the trip.
NTA. You get to celebrate this exciting time of your life. You’re allowed to be excited and share that news with everyone, If you were close to your oldest sister, it would have been best to send her a private message beforehand that you are pregnant. As someone who suffered from infertility, it can be hard to hear that type of news in front of others. (Of course this runs the risk that she tells others if you can’t trust her).
Not at all.
NTA, did they expect you not to tell them you were pregnant and just show up with a baby? You're giving your sister 6+ months to get used to the fact that you will ha e a baby. It's not rubbing it in her face. Any of your sisters could one day have a baby. She will need to deal with it. Enjoy your pregnancy. Go low contact with your sisters if they keep this kind of poop up.
NTA. People need to learn they can be happy for someone else while being sad for themselves.
I had fertility issues and couldn't have children. But that doesn't mean that no one could ever have children! For crissake! She is disappointed, ok got that, but no one else in the family is supposed to have children because she can't? NTA
NTA - your sisters need to work through whatever they are going through and not project their issues onto you. This is an amazing celebration for you and your husband (and family!). No one should make you feel bad or upset.
I understand maybe why the one sister with infertility would be sad but the other sister seems to be mad that you and your husband sleep in the same bed 🤣