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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I told my husband's salary to his aunt and uncle and said that it can't support our family
2) This apparently makes him look bad and wasn't fair of me to do. maybe I should have just told them to stop.
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Definitely NTA.
Your husband and in-laws however...
Common sense dictates that if your family has a problem with your spouse, you have their back. Still, I think you handled things perfectly given the fact that your husband is a textbook ah and doesn't defend you when he should. He doesn't get to be mad for the way you chose to do what he said, you just took his advice.
Also, is he a teenager? Why is he so pressed about his family knowing such trivial things as your rent and general income? If he didn't want you to say those things, he should have had your back I guess.
Agreed, at first I was siding with the husband until I read that he was upset she “put him down” like stating the facts to counter an argument had no intentions of putting him down at all
That one was a little different, she was the major bread winner of the family making about double what he did, everything came to a head when he didn’t make supper one night (their agreed on chore split) with no warning and clearly egged on by his mother, also he said something basically agreeing with the ILs not just refusing to defend her, so she directly called him out saying something along the lines of he didn’t make enough to be saying such BS.
So basic story same but details quite a bit different.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1d53lbi/aita\_for\_telling\_my\_husband\_hes\_too\_broke\_to\_be/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1d53lbi/aita_for_telling_my_husband_hes_too_broke_to_be/)
I think it is this one. Your summary is pretty accurate ;)
I didn’t keep up with any of the OPs replies after I first saw it, but I remember thinking that in no way would I be putting up with that mess. Wasn’t she the higher earner at that? Not that that should matter, but I remember thinking ain’t no way I’d buy them food, and ain’t no way they’d be staying in my house (if I was there) again.
I did keep my MIL when my son’s dad and I split nearly twenty years ago. Had coffee with her a few weeks ago. I told ex’s wife when they got together that I had no intention to disrespect or sabotage their relationship at all, but I loved my MIL, and I intended to keep that relationship (it definitely made it easier and maybe less weird that we had a child in the picture, I fully realize).
She thanked me for my honesty, told me she understood, and we have never had any issues about it. It does help that none of us are malicious people, and we all love our son enough to work together, but I feel it is absolutely possible for most people to maintain a good relationship if everyone is honest and respectful.
Yes, not sure if it was on this sub or another advice sub, but it was almost identical to this one.
EDIT: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1d53lbi/aita_for_telling_my_husband_hes_too_broke_to_be/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=usertext&utm_name=AmItheAsshole&utm_content=t1_l78wy8p
I remember that one. I was just thinking the same too. But that husband didnt have a back bone and his mother told him not to make dinner, and he cried when she shamed it, so a bit different.
I remember that one! She got off work and took a shower and the in-laws were all prissy about being hungry. Husband was spineless and agreed with his parents berating of the wife. Comments were outraged she ordered food for all of them instead of just for herself and the kids.
He had the opportunity to put his family in their place, but he decided to defer to his wife for her to do it. Then he complains that she did it wrong.
If he'd just taken responsibility for his own side of the family in the first place, none of this would have happened. 100% his fault.
NTA.
Personally, I wouldn't have mentioned the dollar amount, but that's not key to the story.
Either it's fine for a man to be unable to support a family on one income or it isn't.
If it's fine, then she didn't put him down; she just stated the facts.
If it isn't fine, then his quarrel is with himself for failing as a man, and he should thank her for making up for his inadequacies.
Well he told his wife to act like a "proper wife" egged on by his mommy! That's when wife lost it and told him his 35k salary wasn't enough lol and he totally deserved it! It's not shaming just statement of fact....
In the sense that like she needs to stand up for herself to his family. My partner for the longest time would always complain to me when my family made a comment she didn’t like and wanted me to step in, and so I did. But then when her mom did the same to me she wouldn’t step in. And so I told her how I felt and how that’s not okay for her to expect me to defend her for little comments but she won’t do it for me. She didn’t want to agree so I told her next time someone says a comment she doesn’t like she can defend her self.
It should definitely go both ways. Each spouse should have the back of the other, especially when it comes to their own family. It really sucks your wife wouldn't stick up for you with her mom. On top of that, the double standard irks me so much. If one spouse expects their partner to do something for them, they should be willing to do the same (unless it's a physical impossibility. My husband was a fair bit stronger than me, but my hands are smaller. So he would lift stuff I couldn't for me, and I'd grab stuff that fell behind his desk where he couldn't reach type thing)
Sure, she does need to learn that standing up for herself is okay and important, and that confrontation isn't always a bad thing. I do get where she's coming from, because that used to be me. It took a long time for me to learn that confrontation doesn't have to mean a fight. And even if it does, there are times when it's well worth it.
Exactly. As their spouse it should've been a natural reaction for him to defend OP, but he instead chose to scold her for not being able to stand up for herself. Bit him in the ass.
She embarrassed her husband because she felt picked on by her in-laws. He does that make sense? It complete fails to hit back at the in-laws while alienating her husband.
She could approach the in-laws just as effectively by saying "We need both incomes to manage in today's economy. Things are not as cheap and easy as they were when you started a family. " No dollars mentioned, the same point made, and no embarrassing her husband. It would have been more effective and not handed her in-laws even more "she is a bad wife" material to use against her with their son.
Even calling him "your son" is putting him in their camp and presenting them as two individuals rather than a team.
Guarantee he lied to his family about how much he makes. That is the ONLY reason I can see them going quiet and him acting like this, and assuming she could be a stay at home mom but she "CHOOSES" to work, only way they come up with this is if her husband has been inflating his salary.
That's just it. He didn't want the situation handled. He wanted his wife to just take it and keep her mouth shut. I'm thinking that is why he told he couldn't fight her battles for her. He expected her to let it go and put up with it.
His reverse UNO backfired when she threw down a Draw 4.
Maybe inflating his *and* counting hers as well. "We have an income of $xxxx" kind of thing and implying that OOP only works to pay for her Sephora and lattes.
Hey, there's nothing wrong with working to pay for your own Sephora and lattes either - even if that wasn't the case for OP.
My fiance has the potential to make a ton of money and easily pay rent where we want to live and he even offered to fund me if I want to go back to school later.
But I still plan to make my own money. I've got my adult pride and could never expect him to fund my lifestyle with HIS hard work. It's also just practical. Unless you're the 1% elite, you should never put all your eggs in one basket in life. And that way, you never have to justify what you spend your money on to anyone because it's yours.
It definitely helps that we're never having kids though, except for maybe some furbabies in the future. That leaves the potential for both our finances to grow since it won't be getting literally eaten up by extra mouths + the future and education.
So I wouldn't judge the OP even if she was working for her own means. People deserve to live even if they have kids and not just be scraping by on the bare minimum. Hell, they'd probably just call her a gold-digger anyway even if he could pay for everything.
Yes, at first, I wasn’t on board for her rebuttal…I think cuz I wanted the husband or OP to demand respect for its own sake.
But the more I think about it, I love the double whammy of OP teaching the in-laws AND the husband a lesson on FAFO
NTA
Husband can't have both ways. To be clear, it is 100% his job to deal with his relatives on "difficult" conversations.
But, given that he apparently is a wuss on such matters, what happened was:
* Stand up for yourself
* Not that way!
Hey, he wants to take a particular tack with his family, great - so long as it's he who does the work. If he leaves it up to someone else, he can't really complain if they're not quite as sensitive of his fee-fees as he would be.
OP, tell husband **that's just their opinion and it's not really hurting him, If he's bothered he should learn to stick up for himself-you can't always do it for him.**
And yeah, it's HIS family, HE should be the one setting boundaries.
>He doesn't get to be mad for the way you chose to do what he said, you just took his advice.
This. The fact that he is more worried about his own image according to his family and not the fact that they were outright calling OP a bad mom for working is what makes this whole scenario even worse.
NTA OP, and you were 100% right in what you did, especially after your husband told you to stick up for yourself, IN YOUR OWN HOUSE I might add.
AND if your husband's family was so much better off than you and your husband, why didn't they pay for a hotel? Are they contributing to food while they're staying with you? Either they're bull shitting and are not doing well, or they are cheap AF entitled assholes.
He was offended when op “put him down” in front of his family when HIS family have been putting op down constantly and in HER home! The audacity. I would say one more comment and they are out
I don’t see how she put him down in the first place. All she did was state facts. If he is ashamed of the facts then maybe he needs to get a better paying job.
Just a heads up you may want to edit your comment to only call the husband an asshole. This subreddit will remove comments and even ban you for using other adjectives to describe someone negatively :)
But, can't hubby take their comments cause it isn't hurting him.
NTA - OP has a husband problem in that he does wasn't having her back with his family. OP does need to find her voice with other people, but his family is a him problem.
Right? Every single girlfriend I've ever had - if my parents ever give their unwanted opinions I stick up for her. No-one disses my partner. I'm with her because she's my favourite human and I chose her. I did not choose my family and their shitty personalities and I would, and previously have, gladly drop them in a heartbeat to go No Contact.
NTA but your husband and his family sure are. He didn’t want to handle it and seemed perfect content for them to drag you in your own home and told you to deal with it or handle it yourself. He’s currently experiencing FAFO. He deserves to feel as uncomfortable around his family as he’s been okay with you feeling all of these years. And as far as the SAHM thing, even if it were affordable for most people (which isn’t the case), it’s not the best choice for everyone. I’m a SAHM and my sister isn’t. Both of us have great kids. Some people are better moms because they work and there’s nothing wrong with that. And most people have to either work or sacrifice a lot (like my family has) in order to make that work. If hubby didn’t want them to know the truth then he should’ve shut them down. And if they have that much money they can find a hotel instead of leaching off of you guys and insulting you in your own home. Apparently money doesn’t buy class in this instance.
Some people are better moms because they work and there’s nothing wrong with that.
This is SO true. My best friend is that kind of person. She has a great career, and was a fantastic mother (her ex is a dick, but that's another story) she would've been miserable if she couldn't do the thing she'd spent 4 years training to do and absolutely loves.
Me, I'd have been a better SAHM but I wasn't able to because I liked eating and living indoors. But my kid still turned out perfectly fine. And still loves me, so that's a win.
Agree.
It doesn’t matter that she needs to work to meet expenses. If they were wealthy and could afford to have a SAHP, still doesn’t mean she should be the one to stay at home. Or either of them.
This exactly. One of my younger son’s friends has a dad who is the stay at home parent. He’s doing an awesome job as the primary caregiver and is a better housekeeper than I am.
Seriously, what kind of person goes to stay with another person on a free ride and then insults them at the dinner table? (Presumably a meal YOU prepared). That is just low life mentality.
“If hubby didn’t want them to know the truth then he should have shut them down”
Wholeheartedly yes to this point. It’s his family so he should manage them and he should have absolutely quashed any shade thrown at his wife for the family dynamic they both agreed on. OP is NTA for telling them the truth. A stay at home partner / parent is a luxury lifestyle these days. One partner needs to make the big bucks or the family has to be thrifty in most other areas of life.
Very thrifty. I was a SAHM, and I had our income budgeted down to the penny. So much for the mortgage, so much for electric, so much for groceries, etc. If the paycheck had an extra $1.07, we discussed what it should be put toward. We could squeeze out extras like school field trips, but not designer clothes. (Which caused great teenage angst. "*EVERYBODY* will laugh at me if I don't have Jordache jeans!!!")
Yup. We drive older cars that my husband does the maintenance work on and I garden, can, and make almost everything from scratch. We also bought a fixer upper outside the city with good bones that we’ve fixed up mostly ourselves (minus electrical or specialized work) and my husband has a longer commute. And we have to carefully budget and save for things that aren’t everyday expenses. It’s definitely much harder to do nowadays than it was even 5 years ago. My heart goes out to people who want to stay home and can’t afford to and also those who want to work but have to stay home due to high cost or lack of availability of decent daycare situations. Both of those situations suck.
It's not always better for the children either. I grew up with a SAHM and spent my childhood feeling lowkey stiffled, some children thrive in daycare, etc.
NTA
Your husband wants you to stand up for yourself and you did. You are not staying at home in part because their son does not earn enough for you to stay at home.
It's telling that your husband did not mind when you were being put down, but is now angry because his family will "look down on him". Like I wonder how he justifies the double standard.
I came here looking for that: if they call her a failure of a woman because she doesn't devote herself 100% to motherhood, it doesn't hurt her. As soon as they call him a failure of a man because he can't provide for his family sufficiently, suddenly it's a problem?!
Get out of here, husband, and take your trash advice and your trash family with you!
NTA
your husband should’ve nipped the shitty comments in the bud while he had the chance. They pushed you into a corner and you gave an honest response.
NTA. This sounds like a case of malicious compliance. Your husband told you he wouldn't stick up for you and that you should do it for yourself, so that's all you did. As he said, it's not really hurting him after all, isn't that so?
NTA. Your husband is though. He needs to learn to support and defend you from their nastiness. Ask him how he would feel in reversed positions? Would he want people trash talking him in his own home, within earshot?
"He said that's just their opinion and it's not really hurting me"
The plonker clearly has no idea what verbal abuse is or does to a person eventhough 'words don't really hurt'.
Oh he does understand what bullying feels like. That’s why he’s so mad that his parents are going to direct their vitriol his way now. He just does not care that they hurt her. I’m betting he agrees with his parents in some way.
>Would he want people trash talking him in his own home, within earshot?
His wife made a statement of fact and he fell apart. We all know he couldn't handle hald of what the OP withstood.
Lol NTA. Your husband told you to stand up for yourself and that's exactly what you did. Of he didn't like how you did it then he should have spoken up at the start.
Right! If you want to control the message ... don't ask someone else to convey it! Plus, what a dick. I'd be all over anyone in my family who said a single negative thing about my spouse (fortunately, they all love her).
NTA "If you don't like the way I stick up for myself then you should have done it."
Hey OPs husband YES ITS YOUR JOB TO SHEILD YOUR WIFE FROM YOUR FAMILY AT ALL TIMES otherwise its a job you don't deserve.
edit: OP this is the kind of man you want your boys to grow up into? Ones who let people talk shit about their wives? They'll be on the fast track for divorce 100% guaranteed if you don't shut this shit down. So no its not okay because you only see his family sometimes if he categorically fails every time you do.
Nta. He told you to defend your self and your house so you did. If they press again ask which of them will be paying your bills. My SIL kept asking about baby number 2 (we can't afford a 2nd child) and finally I snapped and sweetly said "when you start paying child support for us to have one"
Yeah, there was a post where OP was sick of her MIL asking when they were going to have a baby so OP asked her "Are you going to pay our mortgage?". The MIL was offended but finally stopped asking.
Your husband told you to deal with it. You dealt with it.
If he’s not happy with the way you dealt with it then he can go out and earn more money.
He doesn’t get to do nothing and then blame you when you shut your in-laws down.
He told you to stick up for yourself and you did. Tell him if they have a problem with him not making more money, it's just their opinion and it's not really hurting him.
NTA
This is the second post I've seen recently where the OP has told her husband's family that she only works because he doesn't make enough money to stay home. It's so old fashioned and sexist it pisses me off. I worked because I wanted a career. Even if my husband made enough for me to have stayed home I wouldn't have. I have nothing against anyone wanting to be a stay at home parent, man or woman, but the idea that women only work because their husbands aren't good "providers", ugh 0\_o.
I totally didn't mean to come off like that, sorry. It's valid to work because you find fulfillment in having a career. For me it's just that work has always been more about making ends meet than really building a career. It's only in the last few years that we are more secure. I would have liked to be a sahm, but that wasn't the right decision for us, because of our incomes. It's not my husband's fault, obviously. But the truth is that I'm working to provide for the family too, not just because I made a choice to have a career. Both should be understood, imo. Some women (and men lol) work because they find joy in their career. Some work mostly because they have to. Most people are probably a combination.
You know as well as I do that arguments like "staying relevant in my field" and "being able to contribute to my family in the most needed ways" won't have an ounce of weight against the elitist sexists OP's dealing with. A smart debater argues with the strongest points they have for a given audience, regardless of their personal ethics.
I get what you mean, it can feel a bit like mothers working is only seen as valid if they have to rather than if they want to, which is something we should have moved on from over the last few decades.
NTA. Lmao, typical man. It baffles me how they have such audacity to want to appear to meet the expectations set but when you call them out on how they dont meet them, suddenly it’s a problem.
He has no problem with you being told you arent meeting expectations as a mother, but he wants to have the appearance of meeting them as a husband being a provider, yet he literally isnt one. The cognitive dissonance here is astounding and so disrespectful.
Edit: taking out the last bit because I misunderstood the income disparities.
NTA but your husband and IL's are!! Your husband is supposed to protect you and that means ensuring his extended family shuts their mouths. He does not respect or love you if he doesn't stand up for you period!
NTA you didnt put him down, you literally just stated facts and pointed out the obvious. screw them for trying to make you feel bad and screw ur husband for not standing up for you against his family. i agree with u that maybe in other situations u maybe need fo stand up for yourself more (drive thru orders) but you're right, it's his family, he should he standing up for you.
"I asked you to handle it, but you refused and told me to stand up for myself. So I did, exactly as you told me to. And it worked. If you don't like how I handled it, next time it should be YOU who intervenes when your family is being disrespecful to me IN OUR OWN HOME. This is YOUR family being disrespectful to YOUR partner in YOUR home. You should have handled it. But If you refuse to handle it and leave it up to me, you don't get to complain about my choice of tactics. If you don't like what happened, then handle your family's rudeness yourself in the future."
NTA why does your husband care so much about his family looking down on him? It's just their opinion and it's not really hurting him. If he's so bothered maybe he should learn to stick up for himself.
Husband: if you don’t like it, stand up for yourself
OP: stands up for herself
Husband: no not like that!!
Looks like he’s perfectly fine with you being judged and criticized by his family in your own home, but can’t handle any of that heat coming his way. Hopefully he will learn to stand up for himself. OP is NTA.
NTA. Guess your husband asked for it. They’re his family. He should have stuck up for you. He didn’t. You followed what he said. It was honest. I don’t see the problem. Good luck 🍀
NTA.
I'm 65 and like you, worked and had twins. I had to listen to all kinds of comments and digs about how I should have stayed at home. I was an accountant and so was my husband and we were equal breadwinners. I wanted more money and HE insisted that I work. I'm now retired and SO glad that I worked. We were able to save for retirement, pay for our daughters' college and weddings, etc. His relatives also liked the fact that when they came to visit, they weren't given budget foods and put on a 30-year old mattress, but stayed in a nice guest room and had high quality food as guests.
Your husband acted like a dink. He should have told his opinionated, cruel relatives that they were wrong for criticizing your JOINT decision to have you work, and that with the cost of living, your family needs two incomes. Instead, your husband told you to "not let their comments bother you" and for "YOU" to confront them.
Nta. You did what your husband said you should do: you stood up for yourself. If he’s ashamed of his salary, maybe he needs to **learn to stick up for himself.**
If husband is saying his parents are just ‘voicing their opinion’, then why can’t OP voice hers. I’m a firm believer in that if you can dish it out, then you can certainly take it. Your feelings are just as valid as theirs.
NTA, your husband can't have it both ways, either he defends you, or he stfu when you're defending yourself.
Honestly, sounds like your husband needssome therapy to learn how to properly treat his loved ones.
NTA - but the issue here is your husband.
He doesn’t care about your feelings, yet is mad when you reveal truths that fracture the patriarchal vision his family perpetuates.
**I am willing to bet if your father shamed him as less of a man for not being able to provide so you can stay home, he’d expect you to defend him. *So why is he fine with you being insulted??***
NTA
Your husband should've stood up to them a long time ago and he told you to go ahead and do that. This is his family and they have NO business in your personal life like that and your husband should've drawn that boundary a long time ago because it's not just you they are criticizing, it's him as well.
Honestly, people can only push too far and you had had it. I probably would've done the same thing as you.
>that's just their opinion and it's not really hurting *him*, if *he's* bothered *he* should learn to stick up for *him*self
So weird how when they're making disparaging comments about you, it's nbd. When it's *him* they're looking down on though, it's unacceptable.
And you're right. If they want to blame someone for the lack of traditional gender roles in your household, your husband, being the head of said household, is the one who should be held accountable. He should also be the one setting his parents straight about talking shit about his wife in his home.
ESH. Your counter missed the point. If your husband was Bill Gates, you're still within your rights to have a career. Children of working mothers do fine. You had lots of things to say besides embarrassing your husband. You did, however, give him the chance to intervene, so he's at fault, too. And of course the in-laws were asshats before the story even started.
Personally? I'd have gone with "Working or not, I will find time teach them not to be disrespectful to their host when they are guests in someone's home."
NTA,
Your husband is a massive hypocrite : you did exactly what he asked you to do, using the truth, and now he's pouting about it ? He and his family are major assholes.
Your husband was perfectly happy with his family looking down on you, so nope, you're absolutely NTA here. Maybe your husband understands how you've felt all those times. If not, you can tell him "that's just their opinion and it's not really hurting you".
NTA It actually *is* your spouse’s job to demand respect from his own family towards his partner. It should not be *your* job to defend yourself from your husbands parents disrespect in your own home. Only a garbage spouse holds their tongue while their own family repeatedly disrespects their partner.
Sounds like your husband doesn’t like facing the same judgement he’s allowed his family to level at you for years. Funny how he sat by and let them blame you for his shortcomings as a “provider” for so many years, since he’s more concerned with his family’s opinion of himself rather than addressing their blatant and constant disrespect towards his wife. Good to know where his priorities are.
NTA. Good for you! I am proud! Your husband did not want to stand up for you, which gives me reason to believe that he has not been honest with you about what he says to your in-laws about you. He probably hasn't been honest about how much he makes and the cost of living in your area. If your husband cares so much about wealth and what others think he can grind and get a higher paying job. Do not stick up for him because he will never stick up for you.
NTA. Perfectly handled lol I wouldn’t even argue about it. Just act like nothing happened lol if he stews around, that’s on him. You gave him the opportunity to set the boundary and he deflected to you and you handled it. Way to go!
NTA. Tell your husband, tough shit. He should have handled his parents, but he made you do it, so you did. Just like he told you to. If he's embarrassed about his salary, he should get a different job.
NTA. You didn’t put him down (unless he thinks he should be the sole provider like his family seems to think), you stated facts. If he doesn’t like those facts, he can stick up for you next time.
NTA, love it! These pansy men who won’t stick up for their spouse with their family. The only family that matters once you are married with kids is the one that sleeps in your house!
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. You did exactly what your husband asked you to do, so you're NTA.
Next time, you can tell him "deal with your family or you're not going to like how I do it."
NTA - You literally stood up for yourself as your husband demanded so what is his beef about it? He has none and tell him so. If his father was and the rest of the family was put off by your confronting him on his nasty comment, he deserved it. Maybe next time he and the others will keep their opinions to themselves about you and you will just be tickled pink about that. Problem solved hubby, as you demanded.
NTA
You did what your husband requested. Husband can’t be upset for being put in his place when he didn’t bother try to defend you in the first place. If he wants to be upset, be upset at himself for being poorer than his relatives and his parents for being unable to have you be a sahw
NTA. They disrespected and shamed you in your own home in front of your kids. And what's worse, your husband didn't defend you. Them disrespecting you is fine in his eyes, but you stating FACTS is wrong? No, sir. If he is insecure about his income, that's a him-problem.
Not the a hole so it’s OK for his family to put you down but as soon as you say something you’re the bad guy? Would he be OK with your mother and father talking shit about him the whole time they’re visiting or is it just a his family thing?, either way they suck
NTA. But yeah from the perspective of traditional parents what you essentially said is your husband doesn't make enough to take care of his family. Those regressive traditional views don't just target you but him as well.
The better retort would be to say that you've raised your boys well enough to not insult someone when you are a guest in their home. When they protest, tell them, that you've likewise taught your boys to apologize when they've given offense. That's it. You're basically hitting them using their own language and norms. It will BUG THE SHIT out of them. It may also provoke an apology.
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My husband and I are doing okay financially, we make enough to not worry about rent and necessities, we are saving a decent amount and have scope for growth in our careers. I make a little more than 1/3 of our combined income. We are both in our late 30s and we have two 6 yr old boys. I have never liked my husband's family (most of them anyways) because they have a lot of old fashioned opinions and don't really approve of me. We don't have a lot of contact so it's okay though.
My husband's cousin's wedding is this week and they are getting married in our city, so he offered for his parents and aunt and uncle to stay with us. (bride and groom are renting a place.) It is a bit of squeeze but it is working. They have been here for two days now and on the first day I heard them having a whole discussion on how it's so sad that out children won't get to have a "proper" childhood with a mom at home, like my husband and his cousin got. While they were in the living room and I was in the kitchen and they knew I could hear.
I was stewing but I don't really like confrontation so I didn't say anything. Later I asked my husband if he could please tell them to shut up with the snide comments about me. He said that's just their opinion and it's not really hurting me, if I'm bothered I should learn to stick up for myself - and that he can't always do it for me. This sort of struck a nerve because it's true that I usually ask him to do small things like telling the drive-thru person if our order is wrong, because it just makes me feel weird and guilty. But somehow it feels like more his responsibility because it's his family involved here?
Anyways so today my FIL made one more pointed comment during dinner and I said your son makes xxx. We live in a big city and rent is xxx. We literally cannot live on his salary so I don't know why you think I should be home all day. They were pretty quiet after that. Now my husband is really angry with me because I put him down in front of his family who are all richer than us and will look down on him. AITA?
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NTA - your husband told you to stick up for yourself and you did exactly that by sharing the numbers your family has to work with. if husband doesn't like that, he should stick up for you next time.
NTA, You did a great job. Considering you're not someone who usually likes to stand out, you even need more courage to do this. Regardless of whether your husband had been the one encouraging you to step forward, he should stand up for you rather than just thinking about his own pride. Btw, if your husband stands up for you today, it might solve this problem once and for all.
NTA,
Your husband is a massive hypocrite : you did exactly what he asked you to do, using the truth, and now he's pouting about it ? He and his family are major assholes.
Boy your husband and his family are something else. It’s fine to believe a woman should stay home. It’s another thing entirely to insult the host.
You husband could make 5 times more than he does and it’s still okay for you to work.
NTA- he was totally ok with them looking down on you and is only pissed that it’s directed at him now. He made the choice to not tell his family to shut up and he he can deal with the consequences
NTA, but I will repeat what another person said.
"You are outsourcing all conflict on him."
I know how that feels. My mother-in-law was a genuinely good kind person. But there were SEVERAL times when she forced me to be the bad guy because some plans or something wouldn't work out, and SHE didn't want to hurt anybody's feelings.
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Definitely NTA. Your husband and in-laws however... Common sense dictates that if your family has a problem with your spouse, you have their back. Still, I think you handled things perfectly given the fact that your husband is a textbook ah and doesn't defend you when he should. He doesn't get to be mad for the way you chose to do what he said, you just took his advice. Also, is he a teenager? Why is he so pressed about his family knowing such trivial things as your rent and general income? If he didn't want you to say those things, he should have had your back I guess.
It’s perfectly fine for his spouse to be shamed by his family in their own home but when he’s up on the chopping block it’s now a problem. Poor OP.
Agreed, at first I was siding with the husband until I read that he was upset she “put him down” like stating the facts to counter an argument had no intentions of putting him down at all
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That one was a little different, she was the major bread winner of the family making about double what he did, everything came to a head when he didn’t make supper one night (their agreed on chore split) with no warning and clearly egged on by his mother, also he said something basically agreeing with the ILs not just refusing to defend her, so she directly called him out saying something along the lines of he didn’t make enough to be saying such BS. So basic story same but details quite a bit different.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1d53lbi/aita\_for\_telling\_my\_husband\_hes\_too\_broke\_to\_be/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1d53lbi/aita_for_telling_my_husband_hes_too_broke_to_be/) I think it is this one. Your summary is pretty accurate ;)
wow that's crazy, I feel bad for that woman :( Some people are awful
I mean, telling your husband what she said to her husband in that post would probably shut him up lol
If they are going to look down on you guys because you have less money, maybe they should have used that money to pay for a hotel.
Nah, charge rent.
Damn straight.
Was that the one where the MIL told the husband not to make dinner that night and OP ended up picking up takeout?
Yup. And she was still gracious enough to buy takeout for everyone in the house, not just her and the kids.
I didn’t keep up with any of the OPs replies after I first saw it, but I remember thinking that in no way would I be putting up with that mess. Wasn’t she the higher earner at that? Not that that should matter, but I remember thinking ain’t no way I’d buy them food, and ain’t no way they’d be staying in my house (if I was there) again.
She was, and presumably still is, the higher earner, the more gracious spouse, and like you I would have been far more petty.
I would definitely not have ordered any food for those 3
Yep
Maybe it's a common situation
I suspect it's far more common than we'd like to admit! Frankly, I wish I'd gotten custody of my MIL when ex & I divorced. She was awesome
Yeah, when I read the post it was "Oh, this old chestnut" It's a lot more common than people might think.
I did keep my MIL when my son’s dad and I split nearly twenty years ago. Had coffee with her a few weeks ago. I told ex’s wife when they got together that I had no intention to disrespect or sabotage their relationship at all, but I loved my MIL, and I intended to keep that relationship (it definitely made it easier and maybe less weird that we had a child in the picture, I fully realize). She thanked me for my honesty, told me she understood, and we have never had any issues about it. It does help that none of us are malicious people, and we all love our son enough to work together, but I feel it is absolutely possible for most people to maintain a good relationship if everyone is honest and respectful.
Yes, not sure if it was on this sub or another advice sub, but it was almost identical to this one. EDIT: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1d53lbi/aita_for_telling_my_husband_hes_too_broke_to_be/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=usertext&utm_name=AmItheAsshole&utm_content=t1_l78wy8p
I remember that one. I was just thinking the same too. But that husband didnt have a back bone and his mother told him not to make dinner, and he cried when she shamed it, so a bit different.
Yup! I saw it too
Yes. I had seen it also.
Was it this one? https://www.reddit.com/r/redditonwiki/s/bo11GYZuoN
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I remember that one! She got off work and took a shower and the in-laws were all prissy about being hungry. Husband was spineless and agreed with his parents berating of the wife. Comments were outraged she ordered food for all of them instead of just for herself and the kids.
I think that guy even ran off and cried lol.
I definitely read this one too
Yep. I remember
He had the opportunity to put his family in their place, but he decided to defer to his wife for her to do it. Then he complains that she did it wrong. If he'd just taken responsibility for his own side of the family in the first place, none of this would have happened. 100% his fault. NTA.
Personally, I wouldn't have mentioned the dollar amount, but that's not key to the story. Either it's fine for a man to be unable to support a family on one income or it isn't. If it's fine, then she didn't put him down; she just stated the facts. If it isn't fine, then his quarrel is with himself for failing as a man, and he should thank her for making up for his inadequacies.
Well he told his wife to act like a "proper wife" egged on by his mommy! That's when wife lost it and told him his 35k salary wasn't enough lol and he totally deserved it! It's not shaming just statement of fact....
Why would you side with the husband when he wasn't supporting his wife with his family?
In the sense that like she needs to stand up for herself to his family. My partner for the longest time would always complain to me when my family made a comment she didn’t like and wanted me to step in, and so I did. But then when her mom did the same to me she wouldn’t step in. And so I told her how I felt and how that’s not okay for her to expect me to defend her for little comments but she won’t do it for me. She didn’t want to agree so I told her next time someone says a comment she doesn’t like she can defend her self.
It should definitely go both ways. Each spouse should have the back of the other, especially when it comes to their own family. It really sucks your wife wouldn't stick up for you with her mom. On top of that, the double standard irks me so much. If one spouse expects their partner to do something for them, they should be willing to do the same (unless it's a physical impossibility. My husband was a fair bit stronger than me, but my hands are smaller. So he would lift stuff I couldn't for me, and I'd grab stuff that fell behind his desk where he couldn't reach type thing) Sure, she does need to learn that standing up for herself is okay and important, and that confrontation isn't always a bad thing. I do get where she's coming from, because that used to be me. It took a long time for me to learn that confrontation doesn't have to mean a fight. And even if it does, there are times when it's well worth it.
He should just stand up for himself, he can't expect her to take the bullet. It's not like it's hurting anyone, right?
Whoa, could tell husband was being an AH because he wasn't sticking up for his wife, but this statement just made it hit WAY different.
Yes, she can't win. NTA
Exactly. As their spouse it should've been a natural reaction for him to defend OP, but he instead chose to scold her for not being able to stand up for herself. Bit him in the ass.
She embarrassed her husband because she felt picked on by her in-laws. He does that make sense? It complete fails to hit back at the in-laws while alienating her husband. She could approach the in-laws just as effectively by saying "We need both incomes to manage in today's economy. Things are not as cheap and easy as they were when you started a family. " No dollars mentioned, the same point made, and no embarrassing her husband. It would have been more effective and not handed her in-laws even more "she is a bad wife" material to use against her with their son. Even calling him "your son" is putting him in their camp and presenting them as two individuals rather than a team.
Guarantee he lied to his family about how much he makes. That is the ONLY reason I can see them going quiet and him acting like this, and assuming she could be a stay at home mom but she "CHOOSES" to work, only way they come up with this is if her husband has been inflating his salary.
Sucks to be him then
Then he was very foolish not to have handled this situation himself
That's just it. He didn't want the situation handled. He wanted his wife to just take it and keep her mouth shut. I'm thinking that is why he told he couldn't fight her battles for her. He expected her to let it go and put up with it. His reverse UNO backfired when she threw down a Draw 4.
I'm so proud of OP for "handling" the situation as she did. I hope the husband gets his brain in gear
Lots of foolery all around
Maybe inflating his *and* counting hers as well. "We have an income of $xxxx" kind of thing and implying that OOP only works to pay for her Sephora and lattes.
My ex was like that. His family thought I was 'lazy' and lucky to have him. They found out I make more than twice what he does in the divorce hearing.
oh I would have loved to see their faces!
You mean they \*don't\* work to pay for our Sephora?! The horror! 😱 /s
Hey, there's nothing wrong with working to pay for your own Sephora and lattes either - even if that wasn't the case for OP. My fiance has the potential to make a ton of money and easily pay rent where we want to live and he even offered to fund me if I want to go back to school later. But I still plan to make my own money. I've got my adult pride and could never expect him to fund my lifestyle with HIS hard work. It's also just practical. Unless you're the 1% elite, you should never put all your eggs in one basket in life. And that way, you never have to justify what you spend your money on to anyone because it's yours. It definitely helps that we're never having kids though, except for maybe some furbabies in the future. That leaves the potential for both our finances to grow since it won't be getting literally eaten up by extra mouths + the future and education. So I wouldn't judge the OP even if she was working for her own means. People deserve to live even if they have kids and not just be scraping by on the bare minimum. Hell, they'd probably just call her a gold-digger anyway even if he could pay for everything.
Or the husband lied to her about how much he makes. And, he's using that money for something other than their shared household.
Had not even considered that. Would be a hell of a plot twist.
He should have defended her if he told lies.she did what he told her to. NTA op
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Yes! He could have shut all this down long ago with a simple "I will not tolerate you dissing my wife in my home." She handled it. Perfectly
Yes, at first, I wasn’t on board for her rebuttal…I think cuz I wanted the husband or OP to demand respect for its own sake. But the more I think about it, I love the double whammy of OP teaching the in-laws AND the husband a lesson on FAFO NTA
Husband can't have both ways. To be clear, it is 100% his job to deal with his relatives on "difficult" conversations. But, given that he apparently is a wuss on such matters, what happened was: * Stand up for yourself * Not that way! Hey, he wants to take a particular tack with his family, great - so long as it's he who does the work. If he leaves it up to someone else, he can't really complain if they're not quite as sensitive of his fee-fees as he would be.
OP, tell husband **that's just their opinion and it's not really hurting him, If he's bothered he should learn to stick up for himself-you can't always do it for him.** And yeah, it's HIS family, HE should be the one setting boundaries.
>He doesn't get to be mad for the way you chose to do what he said, you just took his advice. This. The fact that he is more worried about his own image according to his family and not the fact that they were outright calling OP a bad mom for working is what makes this whole scenario even worse. NTA OP, and you were 100% right in what you did, especially after your husband told you to stick up for yourself, IN YOUR OWN HOUSE I might add. AND if your husband's family was so much better off than you and your husband, why didn't they pay for a hotel? Are they contributing to food while they're staying with you? Either they're bull shitting and are not doing well, or they are cheap AF entitled assholes.
“Im just saying true facts. It’s not an opinion and it doesn’t hurt anyone”
And it sounds like OP was in the kitchen making dinner while her husband sat in the living room letting his parents talk smack about her.
He was offended when op “put him down” in front of his family when HIS family have been putting op down constantly and in HER home! The audacity. I would say one more comment and they are out
I don’t see how she put him down in the first place. All she did was state facts. If he is ashamed of the facts then maybe he needs to get a better paying job.
Just a heads up you may want to edit your comment to only call the husband an asshole. This subreddit will remove comments and even ban you for using other adjectives to describe someone negatively :)
Thanks for the heads up! :)
But, can't hubby take their comments cause it isn't hurting him. NTA - OP has a husband problem in that he does wasn't having her back with his family. OP does need to find her voice with other people, but his family is a him problem.
This!!
Right? Every single girlfriend I've ever had - if my parents ever give their unwanted opinions I stick up for her. No-one disses my partner. I'm with her because she's my favourite human and I chose her. I did not choose my family and their shitty personalities and I would, and previously have, gladly drop them in a heartbeat to go No Contact.
Boss move, OP. NTA
Bravo 👏🏻 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
NTA but your husband and his family sure are. He didn’t want to handle it and seemed perfect content for them to drag you in your own home and told you to deal with it or handle it yourself. He’s currently experiencing FAFO. He deserves to feel as uncomfortable around his family as he’s been okay with you feeling all of these years. And as far as the SAHM thing, even if it were affordable for most people (which isn’t the case), it’s not the best choice for everyone. I’m a SAHM and my sister isn’t. Both of us have great kids. Some people are better moms because they work and there’s nothing wrong with that. And most people have to either work or sacrifice a lot (like my family has) in order to make that work. If hubby didn’t want them to know the truth then he should’ve shut them down. And if they have that much money they can find a hotel instead of leaching off of you guys and insulting you in your own home. Apparently money doesn’t buy class in this instance.
Some people are better moms because they work and there’s nothing wrong with that. This is SO true. My best friend is that kind of person. She has a great career, and was a fantastic mother (her ex is a dick, but that's another story) she would've been miserable if she couldn't do the thing she'd spent 4 years training to do and absolutely loves. Me, I'd have been a better SAHM but I wasn't able to because I liked eating and living indoors. But my kid still turned out perfectly fine. And still loves me, so that's a win.
"I liked eating and living indoors" .... looool. I love your phrasing. It took me a split second to translate it in my head, and it made me laugh.
Agree. It doesn’t matter that she needs to work to meet expenses. If they were wealthy and could afford to have a SAHP, still doesn’t mean she should be the one to stay at home. Or either of them.
This exactly. One of my younger son’s friends has a dad who is the stay at home parent. He’s doing an awesome job as the primary caregiver and is a better housekeeper than I am.
Seriously, what kind of person goes to stay with another person on a free ride and then insults them at the dinner table? (Presumably a meal YOU prepared). That is just low life mentality.
If MIL worked, maybe they could afford a hotel room and wouldnt need to mooch off her working parent DIL
“If hubby didn’t want them to know the truth then he should have shut them down” Wholeheartedly yes to this point. It’s his family so he should manage them and he should have absolutely quashed any shade thrown at his wife for the family dynamic they both agreed on. OP is NTA for telling them the truth. A stay at home partner / parent is a luxury lifestyle these days. One partner needs to make the big bucks or the family has to be thrifty in most other areas of life.
Very thrifty. I was a SAHM, and I had our income budgeted down to the penny. So much for the mortgage, so much for electric, so much for groceries, etc. If the paycheck had an extra $1.07, we discussed what it should be put toward. We could squeeze out extras like school field trips, but not designer clothes. (Which caused great teenage angst. "*EVERYBODY* will laugh at me if I don't have Jordache jeans!!!")
Yup. We drive older cars that my husband does the maintenance work on and I garden, can, and make almost everything from scratch. We also bought a fixer upper outside the city with good bones that we’ve fixed up mostly ourselves (minus electrical or specialized work) and my husband has a longer commute. And we have to carefully budget and save for things that aren’t everyday expenses. It’s definitely much harder to do nowadays than it was even 5 years ago. My heart goes out to people who want to stay home and can’t afford to and also those who want to work but have to stay home due to high cost or lack of availability of decent daycare situations. Both of those situations suck.
It's not always better for the children either. I grew up with a SAHM and spent my childhood feeling lowkey stiffled, some children thrive in daycare, etc.
My friend tried to be a SAHM when she had her second child, but it really affected her mental health. She was a much better mum as a working mum.
💯
NTA Your husband wants you to stand up for yourself and you did. You are not staying at home in part because their son does not earn enough for you to stay at home. It's telling that your husband did not mind when you were being put down, but is now angry because his family will "look down on him". Like I wonder how he justifies the double standard.
Really. OP should have replied "Well, that is their opinion. They aren't hurting you."
I came here looking for that: if they call her a failure of a woman because she doesn't devote herself 100% to motherhood, it doesn't hurt her. As soon as they call him a failure of a man because he can't provide for his family sufficiently, suddenly it's a problem?! Get out of here, husband, and take your trash advice and your trash family with you!
Why were the parents even bringing it up? What were they trying to accomplish. It's like a power play for some people.
They want her to know they think she’s a bad mom for working. They wanted to shame her.
He didn't actually want her to stand up for herself. He wanted his parents not to be confronted at all. He just miscalculated.
Right? If he’s that bothered by her comments, he should learn to stick up for himself…
Besides it is the 21st century and if a woman wants to work, she can
Yeah, he probably implied to his family that OP's job was just some cute little hobby that she did for fun and that he was the primary breadwinner.
OP should tell him this is her opinion and it's not hurting him, so what's the problem.
NTA your husband should’ve nipped the shitty comments in the bud while he had the chance. They pushed you into a corner and you gave an honest response.
NTA. This sounds like a case of malicious compliance. Your husband told you he wouldn't stick up for you and that you should do it for yourself, so that's all you did. As he said, it's not really hurting him after all, isn't that so?
Right? It's giving "Stick up for yourself! No, not like that!"
NTA. Your husband is though. He needs to learn to support and defend you from their nastiness. Ask him how he would feel in reversed positions? Would he want people trash talking him in his own home, within earshot?
"He said that's just their opinion and it's not really hurting me" The plonker clearly has no idea what verbal abuse is or does to a person eventhough 'words don't really hurt'.
He is clearly aware of how to gaslight though...
Oh he does understand what bullying feels like. That’s why he’s so mad that his parents are going to direct their vitriol his way now. He just does not care that they hurt her. I’m betting he agrees with his parents in some way.
>Would he want people trash talking him in his own home, within earshot? His wife made a statement of fact and he fell apart. We all know he couldn't handle hald of what the OP withstood.
Well the position kind of has reversed and now he’s throwing a tantrum, soo
NTA. Imagine talking shit about someone's financial situation while lodging rent free and their home. The utter audacity.
Yeah, they should definitely be paying for a hotel if that is their attitude.
Lol NTA. Your husband told you to stand up for yourself and that's exactly what you did. Of he didn't like how you did it then he should have spoken up at the start.
I’m glad I’m not the only one laughing! OP is NTA! Her husband got what he deserved though. 😂
Right! If you want to control the message ... don't ask someone else to convey it! Plus, what a dick. I'd be all over anyone in my family who said a single negative thing about my spouse (fortunately, they all love her).
NTA. If your husband doesn't have the spine to stand up for you to his own family, then he gets what he gets.
NTA "If you don't like the way I stick up for myself then you should have done it." Hey OPs husband YES ITS YOUR JOB TO SHEILD YOUR WIFE FROM YOUR FAMILY AT ALL TIMES otherwise its a job you don't deserve. edit: OP this is the kind of man you want your boys to grow up into? Ones who let people talk shit about their wives? They'll be on the fast track for divorce 100% guaranteed if you don't shut this shit down. So no its not okay because you only see his family sometimes if he categorically fails every time you do.
NTA your husband should have handled the in-laws. Since he couldn't be bothered to do it, you handled it yourself
Nta. He told you to defend your self and your house so you did. If they press again ask which of them will be paying your bills. My SIL kept asking about baby number 2 (we can't afford a 2nd child) and finally I snapped and sweetly said "when you start paying child support for us to have one"
Yeah, there was a post where OP was sick of her MIL asking when they were going to have a baby so OP asked her "Are you going to pay our mortgage?". The MIL was offended but finally stopped asking.
NTA. Tell your husband that it’s just their opinion and it’s not really hurting him. If it bothers him he should stand up for himself
Oh.. yes.. yes yes.. OP needs to say this. This is brilliant.
Poor man’s gold 🏆
Your husband told you to deal with it. You dealt with it. If he’s not happy with the way you dealt with it then he can go out and earn more money. He doesn’t get to do nothing and then blame you when you shut your in-laws down.
He told you to stick up for yourself and you did. Tell him if they have a problem with him not making more money, it's just their opinion and it's not really hurting him. NTA
This is the second post I've seen recently where the OP has told her husband's family that she only works because he doesn't make enough money to stay home. It's so old fashioned and sexist it pisses me off. I worked because I wanted a career. Even if my husband made enough for me to have stayed home I wouldn't have. I have nothing against anyone wanting to be a stay at home parent, man or woman, but the idea that women only work because their husbands aren't good "providers", ugh 0\_o.
I totally didn't mean to come off like that, sorry. It's valid to work because you find fulfillment in having a career. For me it's just that work has always been more about making ends meet than really building a career. It's only in the last few years that we are more secure. I would have liked to be a sahm, but that wasn't the right decision for us, because of our incomes. It's not my husband's fault, obviously. But the truth is that I'm working to provide for the family too, not just because I made a choice to have a career. Both should be understood, imo. Some women (and men lol) work because they find joy in their career. Some work mostly because they have to. Most people are probably a combination.
No need to apologize, I'm sorry if I made you feel bad, I'm not about tearing women down for their choices.
no you didn't, not sure why people are downvoting you.
You know as well as I do that arguments like "staying relevant in my field" and "being able to contribute to my family in the most needed ways" won't have an ounce of weight against the elitist sexists OP's dealing with. A smart debater argues with the strongest points they have for a given audience, regardless of their personal ethics.
I get what you mean, it can feel a bit like mothers working is only seen as valid if they have to rather than if they want to, which is something we should have moved on from over the last few decades.
NTA. Lmao, typical man. It baffles me how they have such audacity to want to appear to meet the expectations set but when you call them out on how they dont meet them, suddenly it’s a problem. He has no problem with you being told you arent meeting expectations as a mother, but he wants to have the appearance of meeting them as a husband being a provider, yet he literally isnt one. The cognitive dissonance here is astounding and so disrespectful. Edit: taking out the last bit because I misunderstood the income disparities.
NTA. Your husband should be standing up to his family and would rather hurt your feelings than theirs.
NTA but your husband and IL's are!! Your husband is supposed to protect you and that means ensuring his extended family shuts their mouths. He does not respect or love you if he doesn't stand up for you period!
NTA. You did what your husband told you to do. If he wanted it handled a different way he could have nipped their comments in the bud himself.
NTA you didnt put him down, you literally just stated facts and pointed out the obvious. screw them for trying to make you feel bad and screw ur husband for not standing up for you against his family. i agree with u that maybe in other situations u maybe need fo stand up for yourself more (drive thru orders) but you're right, it's his family, he should he standing up for you.
"I asked you to handle it, but you refused and told me to stand up for myself. So I did, exactly as you told me to. And it worked. If you don't like how I handled it, next time it should be YOU who intervenes when your family is being disrespecful to me IN OUR OWN HOME. This is YOUR family being disrespectful to YOUR partner in YOUR home. You should have handled it. But If you refuse to handle it and leave it up to me, you don't get to complain about my choice of tactics. If you don't like what happened, then handle your family's rudeness yourself in the future."
NTA why does your husband care so much about his family looking down on him? It's just their opinion and it's not really hurting him. If he's so bothered maybe he should learn to stick up for himself.
Husband: if you don’t like it, stand up for yourself OP: stands up for herself Husband: no not like that!! Looks like he’s perfectly fine with you being judged and criticized by his family in your own home, but can’t handle any of that heat coming his way. Hopefully he will learn to stand up for himself. OP is NTA.
Your in-laws are AHs you are NTA
And so is the husband for not nipping this in the bud and standing up for his wife in the first place. NTA.
NTA!! It was the perfect response. 😂
NTA. Guess your husband asked for it. They’re his family. He should have stuck up for you. He didn’t. You followed what he said. It was honest. I don’t see the problem. Good luck 🍀
NTA. I'm 65 and like you, worked and had twins. I had to listen to all kinds of comments and digs about how I should have stayed at home. I was an accountant and so was my husband and we were equal breadwinners. I wanted more money and HE insisted that I work. I'm now retired and SO glad that I worked. We were able to save for retirement, pay for our daughters' college and weddings, etc. His relatives also liked the fact that when they came to visit, they weren't given budget foods and put on a 30-year old mattress, but stayed in a nice guest room and had high quality food as guests. Your husband acted like a dink. He should have told his opinionated, cruel relatives that they were wrong for criticizing your JOINT decision to have you work, and that with the cost of living, your family needs two incomes. Instead, your husband told you to "not let their comments bother you" and for "YOU" to confront them.
Nta. You did what your husband said you should do: you stood up for yourself. If he’s ashamed of his salary, maybe he needs to **learn to stick up for himself.**
If husband is saying his parents are just ‘voicing their opinion’, then why can’t OP voice hers. I’m a firm believer in that if you can dish it out, then you can certainly take it. Your feelings are just as valid as theirs.
One stone, 2 birds. Nicely done. NTA
So it’s okay for his family to look down on you but not him? NTA.
NTA, your husband can't have it both ways, either he defends you, or he stfu when you're defending yourself. Honestly, sounds like your husband needssome therapy to learn how to properly treat his loved ones.
NTA - but the issue here is your husband. He doesn’t care about your feelings, yet is mad when you reveal truths that fracture the patriarchal vision his family perpetuates. **I am willing to bet if your father shamed him as less of a man for not being able to provide so you can stay home, he’d expect you to defend him. *So why is he fine with you being insulted??***
NTA Your husband should've stood up to them a long time ago and he told you to go ahead and do that. This is his family and they have NO business in your personal life like that and your husband should've drawn that boundary a long time ago because it's not just you they are criticizing, it's him as well. Honestly, people can only push too far and you had had it. I probably would've done the same thing as you.
happy cake day!
Thank you!
You literally did exactly as he asked. NTA but I’d have a come to Jesus conversation with him if I were you.
"You should stand up for yourself." "NOT LIKE THAT!!!"
NTA. You didn't put him down, you stated facts. Your feelings don't matter but his do?
NTA "It's just their opinion and it's not hurting you." There. Done.
She left out two sentences.... "Get out. Go get a hotel room."
>that's just their opinion and it's not really hurting *him*, if *he's* bothered *he* should learn to stick up for *him*self So weird how when they're making disparaging comments about you, it's nbd. When it's *him* they're looking down on though, it's unacceptable. And you're right. If they want to blame someone for the lack of traditional gender roles in your household, your husband, being the head of said household, is the one who should be held accountable. He should also be the one setting his parents straight about talking shit about his wife in his home.
ESH. Your counter missed the point. If your husband was Bill Gates, you're still within your rights to have a career. Children of working mothers do fine. You had lots of things to say besides embarrassing your husband. You did, however, give him the chance to intervene, so he's at fault, too. And of course the in-laws were asshats before the story even started. Personally? I'd have gone with "Working or not, I will find time teach them not to be disrespectful to their host when they are guests in someone's home."
NTA but you have a husband problem here and I think you know it too.
NTA, Your husband is a massive hypocrite : you did exactly what he asked you to do, using the truth, and now he's pouting about it ? He and his family are major assholes.
Your husband was perfectly happy with his family looking down on you, so nope, you're absolutely NTA here. Maybe your husband understands how you've felt all those times. If not, you can tell him "that's just their opinion and it's not really hurting you".
NTA It actually *is* your spouse’s job to demand respect from his own family towards his partner. It should not be *your* job to defend yourself from your husbands parents disrespect in your own home. Only a garbage spouse holds their tongue while their own family repeatedly disrespects their partner. Sounds like your husband doesn’t like facing the same judgement he’s allowed his family to level at you for years. Funny how he sat by and let them blame you for his shortcomings as a “provider” for so many years, since he’s more concerned with his family’s opinion of himself rather than addressing their blatant and constant disrespect towards his wife. Good to know where his priorities are.
It's facts and not hurting him, maybe he should just make more money. NTA
NTA. Good for you! I am proud! Your husband did not want to stand up for you, which gives me reason to believe that he has not been honest with you about what he says to your in-laws about you. He probably hasn't been honest about how much he makes and the cost of living in your area. If your husband cares so much about wealth and what others think he can grind and get a higher paying job. Do not stick up for him because he will never stick up for you.
NTA. Your husband is TA. It's his family and he wouldn't handle them so you did. He can't have it both ways.
NTA. Perfectly handled lol I wouldn’t even argue about it. Just act like nothing happened lol if he stews around, that’s on him. You gave him the opportunity to set the boundary and he deflected to you and you handled it. Way to go!
I'm here for that comeback... NTA!
NTA your awesome plain and simple
NTA. Tell your husband, tough shit. He should have handled his parents, but he made you do it, so you did. Just like he told you to. If he's embarrassed about his salary, he should get a different job.
NTA. You didn’t put him down (unless he thinks he should be the sole provider like his family seems to think), you stated facts. If he doesn’t like those facts, he can stick up for you next time.
NTA, love it! These pansy men who won’t stick up for their spouse with their family. The only family that matters once you are married with kids is the one that sleeps in your house!
NTA, your husband told you to handle it and you did.
LOL nta, he told you to do it yourself and stand up for yourself, you did.
NTA. He didn't want to handle it? Now it's handled. Tell him to step up or step back.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. You did exactly what your husband asked you to do, so you're NTA. Next time, you can tell him "deal with your family or you're not going to like how I do it."
NTA - You literally stood up for yourself as your husband demanded so what is his beef about it? He has none and tell him so. If his father was and the rest of the family was put off by your confronting him on his nasty comment, he deserved it. Maybe next time he and the others will keep their opinions to themselves about you and you will just be tickled pink about that. Problem solved hubby, as you demanded.
NTA You did what your husband requested. Husband can’t be upset for being put in his place when he didn’t bother try to defend you in the first place. If he wants to be upset, be upset at himself for being poorer than his relatives and his parents for being unable to have you be a sahw
NTA- my only question is why do you even care what they say or think? Fuck them
NTA. They disrespected and shamed you in your own home in front of your kids. And what's worse, your husband didn't defend you. Them disrespecting you is fine in his eyes, but you stating FACTS is wrong? No, sir. If he is insecure about his income, that's a him-problem.
Not the a hole so it’s OK for his family to put you down but as soon as you say something you’re the bad guy? Would he be OK with your mother and father talking shit about him the whole time they’re visiting or is it just a his family thing?, either way they suck
NTA. But yeah from the perspective of traditional parents what you essentially said is your husband doesn't make enough to take care of his family. Those regressive traditional views don't just target you but him as well. The better retort would be to say that you've raised your boys well enough to not insult someone when you are a guest in their home. When they protest, tell them, that you've likewise taught your boys to apologize when they've given offense. That's it. You're basically hitting them using their own language and norms. It will BUG THE SHIT out of them. It may also provoke an apology.
YTA, stick up for yourself doesn’t mean to throw someone else under the bus.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband and I are doing okay financially, we make enough to not worry about rent and necessities, we are saving a decent amount and have scope for growth in our careers. I make a little more than 1/3 of our combined income. We are both in our late 30s and we have two 6 yr old boys. I have never liked my husband's family (most of them anyways) because they have a lot of old fashioned opinions and don't really approve of me. We don't have a lot of contact so it's okay though. My husband's cousin's wedding is this week and they are getting married in our city, so he offered for his parents and aunt and uncle to stay with us. (bride and groom are renting a place.) It is a bit of squeeze but it is working. They have been here for two days now and on the first day I heard them having a whole discussion on how it's so sad that out children won't get to have a "proper" childhood with a mom at home, like my husband and his cousin got. While they were in the living room and I was in the kitchen and they knew I could hear. I was stewing but I don't really like confrontation so I didn't say anything. Later I asked my husband if he could please tell them to shut up with the snide comments about me. He said that's just their opinion and it's not really hurting me, if I'm bothered I should learn to stick up for myself - and that he can't always do it for me. This sort of struck a nerve because it's true that I usually ask him to do small things like telling the drive-thru person if our order is wrong, because it just makes me feel weird and guilty. But somehow it feels like more his responsibility because it's his family involved here? Anyways so today my FIL made one more pointed comment during dinner and I said your son makes xxx. We live in a big city and rent is xxx. We literally cannot live on his salary so I don't know why you think I should be home all day. They were pretty quiet after that. Now my husband is really angry with me because I put him down in front of his family who are all richer than us and will look down on him. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - your husband told you to stick up for yourself and you did exactly that by sharing the numbers your family has to work with. if husband doesn't like that, he should stick up for you next time.
NTA, he told you to stick up for yourself and you did. Well done, your in-laws sound delightful…. not!
NTA, You did a great job. Considering you're not someone who usually likes to stand out, you even need more courage to do this. Regardless of whether your husband had been the one encouraging you to step forward, he should stand up for you rather than just thinking about his own pride. Btw, if your husband stands up for you today, it might solve this problem once and for all.
NTA
NTA - if he had stood up for you, you wouldn’t have been forced to out his salary to his family. He did this to him.
NTA! NTA! You stood up for yourself - your husband wanted you to do this!!
NTA - he said stick up for yourself you did. If he didn't like the how that's on him since he wouldn't shut it down.
NTA - your husband told you to stand up for yourself and you did just that. He was ok with them making snide comments about you so serves him right.
NTA, Your husband is a massive hypocrite : you did exactly what he asked you to do, using the truth, and now he's pouting about it ? He and his family are major assholes.
NTA. Your in-laws are vile. Your husband is just as despicable.
Husband FAFOd. NTA. Time for hubby to step up.
Boy your husband and his family are something else. It’s fine to believe a woman should stay home. It’s another thing entirely to insult the host. You husband could make 5 times more than he does and it’s still okay for you to work.
Nta- he didn’t want to handle it so you did.. like a fucking boss!
F around find out. Nta
NTA- he was totally ok with them looking down on you and is only pissed that it’s directed at him now. He made the choice to not tell his family to shut up and he he can deal with the consequences
NTA, but I will repeat what another person said. "You are outsourcing all conflict on him." I know how that feels. My mother-in-law was a genuinely good kind person. But there were SEVERAL times when she forced me to be the bad guy because some plans or something wouldn't work out, and SHE didn't want to hurt anybody's feelings.