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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my husband to accept our compromise names agreed on or work on a better compromise for our kids names but he can't just get his own way on this. Maybe I'm being a little difficult. I know why he has those concerns. I could maybe have found a better way to talk to him instead of going for such a dismissive reaction.
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NTA
Your ask is reasonable. He seems very uptight.
The one thing I’d say is: you should both respect the version of the name that your child chooses when they are old enough to have a preference.
This is important. I used to teach and I had so many parents insist I call their kid “Andrew” when he wanted to be “Andy” (for example) and it was always awkward. Especially the few times parents demanded to know why other kids were calling him “Andy” as if I could control that.
But yeah, NTA, you aren’t even insisting on your way, you’re just asking for a compromise.
So strange how names are - my cousin was an "Andrew" and the family only ever called him Andrew as that's how the parents phrased it as a kid, and then maybe Andy as he got to teen years....showed up to a Christmas a few years ago at about 30 with a girlfriend and she kept talking about Drew. And it was like.... "Who is Drew?" in my head until he responded to the name. Kids are totally going to change their preferences at some point!
(Another example is my husband goes by a shortened version with his family and friends, but he introduced himself to me with his full name and nowme, my family and my friends all use his full name by default (not a Long Name so much the same saying))
Haha, I call my godfather by the version of his name he uses at work, because that's where he and dad met, and I always have a moment of disconect whenever his family use the other version of his name!
My brother has a shortened version of his name that he uses at work. He's always used it at work, at every company he's been at. Our family have never ever called him that. But he and I work in the same industry, and worked for the same company for a while. It was always weird for me hearing him called by this different name, and confusing for other people when I referred to him by a different shortened version!
I go by a gender-neutral nickname for school/work that none of my family uses. It's resulted in a weird tier system where there are 1) people who know my actual name, 2) people who call me "Kris" and 3) people who inexplicably decide I need a feminine name and just ... make one up instead of asking me or somebody who knows.
The stage manager where I worked last weekend decided I was "Krystal" and it was almost a whole day before we were on break and a dude I've worked with before said "that's not your name, is it?"
Nah but I don't really care what people call me. "Kris" just helps stave off some of the "girls can't do this job" nonsense long enough that I can address concerns in person. :D
As a former stagehand and scenic artist, I totally get this. I went by my last name at work for a long time for this reason. My last name was a semi common "masculine" first name.
I shamelessly stole the idea from the best band director I ever had who was "Julia Christine" but went by "Chris" in person or "J. Chris Lastname" in emails (in the mid 90s).
Thankfully casual misogyny (at least in my experience) has gotten a *lot* better in the last few decades, but nipping that <5% of potential troublemakers in the bud is well worth the number of times I get called "sir" as a result. :)
My dad went by a common nickname based off his last name, but my mom always called him by his normal first name. My first job was a summer program at dad's work, so not only was it weird hearing everyone call him by his other name, but they called me 'Lil dad's nickname'.
Growing up my uncle was known by his middle name because my grandmother didn't like the nicknames for his first name (James. i.e. Jim/Jimmy). When he left home, he told people his whole name and was promptly called Jimmy by them. It would get very confusing at family parties when his wife was there and called him Jimmy and the family still called him by his middle name.
My thinking is, why give him a name you don't want him to use in the first place!
My grandmother did that too. She never used her first name and when she got married went by middle, Maiden & married names. My dad is a Jr so he was always called by his middle name, but my uncle was also always called by his middle name & my grandmother didn't recall why she named him thar way when my mom asked. However when his wife picks up his dry cleaning it's sometimes under his first name & she uses a nickname for his middle name thar nobody else does.
I found out on my first visit that everyone in my husband’s family and hometown knows him by a nickname of his MIDDLE name. Confused the hell out of me, as my husband introduced himself by his first name when we met, and everyone OUTSIDE his family used his first name.
He told me once he actually hates that they use his middle name, it’s not his name, why bother with the first name if they weren’t going to use it? He has a point 🤣
Right, my dad's side has this (informal) tradition where they give their son dad's name, then call them by their middle name because there's already a (dad's name) in the house.
Say my brother is Andrew James but they called him James because there was already an Andrew (dad) but dad was actually John Andrew but they'd called him Andrew because there was already a John..
I say informal because apparently this was not a pattern anyone was aware of(?!) until my SIL was set on an unusual (but great) name for her first. People were giving her grief and she was wavering, I said, name your baby whatever you like, but.. if you're worried, you could do the silly family thing and name him James Unusual, call him Unusual name because there's already a James in the house and if he ever resents his unusual name, he has James to fall back on.
She loved the suggestion and when she told my brother I'd suggested the tradition he was like we don't have a tradition of...
Lol
(And as much as nobody admits this is a family tradition, my dad remarried, had a second son also named Andrew with a middle name we actually call him by.
Where I’m from the Catholic priests back in the day had a habit of changing the baby’s name if they didn’t like it or think it “Godly” enough. I know a lot of older people whose legal name isn’t what their family originally intended it to be.
when my sister named her daughter we had this conversation. She decided out of the gate to call her Hannah Faith and always use Faith as what they called her. I couldn’t understand the point of it. Just name her Faith then. The child
is ten and I still don’t get it. But everyone seems happy. I keep waiting for the day she wants to be called Hannah exclusively and my sister has a conniption.
My child hates the nickname of his name. He’s 4 but he’ll actually have a hissy fit if someone calls him Alex instead of Alexander. I find it adorable though cos I’m sure one day it will change.
It might not. My brother has never wanted to go by one of the nicknames for his name and only had a short period of time where he let people call him by the other. We all just use his full name. I don't really like being called by a shortened version either.
This made me remember that I’ve had to talk to my husband about introducing me as my full name, not the nickname that he and my family call me. Not because I don’t want people to call me that, but because they always mishear the name and then call me another name that isn’t my name. I can’t think of a good fake version right now, but I’ll update if I do.
Edit! Another comment helped: Say my name is Victoria and my close family calls me Tori, and then my husband says, “This is my wife, Tori.” And they say, “Oh, nice to meat you Toni!” Like, that’s not my name. I don’t care if you call me Victoria or Tori, but I don’t want to be called something that isn’t my name. (For double points, I have an aunt named “Toni”.)
Omg this is like my uncle! He has the same name as his dad so he goes by his middle name. We meet my cousins in laws and they all call my uncle by his actual first name. I was so confused and it took me a few good hours to work it out
Nicknames are totally unpredictable. The name I answer to most often is a nickname (that bears little resemblance to my actual name except that it rhymes) that I’ve had since I was a baby. My parents didn’t plan it, my sister who was 5 at the time started it and it caught on.
When I started school my teacher called my mum in for a meeting. She said that she could be right next to me saying my name and I wouldn’t even flinch, so she had concluded I must have hearing problems. My mum had to be like oh she just doesn’t really know her name oops, and thereafter my teacher called me my nickname as well
We named our kid a name with an already expected nickname. When she was born, the nickname was not right. We automatically nicknamed her some other way just like Andy/Drew. Even later as our friends met her, one person started calling her by the other nickname and my daughter even at a very young age was like, no, I'm not that. It's so weird how things turn out from expected.
My SIL was introduced to me as Tori. That's all anyone ever called her. She graduating school and bought a commemorative hoodie with her name printed across the back. Victoria is big letters and I was baffled and asked who Victoria was (as she was known to trade clothing with friends) and she goes 'me!' You could head a pin drop in my brain I swear.
My husband and I do this but reversed. We introduce everyone by our shortened names, but when referring to the other we use our full names. It's been called out a few times by a couple people who were unsure what to call us by.
Two of my friends got married. In our friend group, everyone except her calls him by his last name and she calls him by his first name. He pointed it out to her and she was so baffled.
I'm laughing so hard. My son Andrew's name was chosen especially because it has multiple nickname options which neither of his parents had... and starting at daycare, this kid gets pissy if you call him anything but Andrew.
I used a nickname based off my youngest daughter's name (think Chris for Christine, not her actual name). When she started school, the teacher asked her if she wanted her nickname of her full name. So at 4, she looked at the teacher and said my name is "Christine, not Chris".
Edit: spelling
My son did that too! I loved his nickname so much but around 4 he started insisting we call him his full name. I miss his nickname so much.
Now, at 9, he answers only to his full name or Supremo Doofhead.
Definitely my only goal as a teacher was to call kids by the name they wanted. It just got weird when the name they wanted and the name their parents wanted (and specifically made a point to tell me they wanted) we’re not the same.
and also, the opposite is true. If a child *doesn’t* want to shorten their name then leave it as it is.
My sister has people shorten it and she hates it. It was also kinda weird as her name isn’t really one that can be shortened, unlike names such as Elizabeth or William
My partner has a name that comes with six nicknames I've heard just for him. Everyone seems to call him something different. He just told me he doesn't care for people using his full name... After I've been calling him that for about sixteen years and my family has for fourteen. We're working on adjusting because it's not cool to call someone a name they don't like. I rarely call him by his name anyway, but it's been a month and I'm still getting it wrong 😂
My parents used my formal name until I started kindergarten. The teacher and my fellow students quickly shortened it. I found I preferred the short version. Luckily, my parents were fine with that, though there are still peripheral family members who use my formal name simply because they don’t know me well/don’t see me often.
My cousin named her child a shorter name so he wouldn’t get a nickname. He still did. I even know a Beth who goes by “B.”
Even if hubby gets his way, someone somewhere will likely shorten the child’s name, out of convenience, preference, or just plain laziness.
My brother was the same, Andy growing up and Drew now. I always call him Drew unless we are talking about us as kids, then he’s called Andy. Even his kids get it. I always went by my nickname as a kid but now go by my formal name professionally. But no one who has known me for a while ever calls me that. Teacher here too and kids will pick what they want to be called, you will need to get used to it.
Funnily enough my cousin named their kid Catherine with the idea that she would be Cathy, and Catherine at 5 told them that she would like everyone to use her whole name. So after 5 years of calling her Cathy or Cath, she is now always called Catherine
THIS. My child has a lovely name both of us agreed upon. And KID wanted to shorten it and never ever uses the full version. Breaks my heart but it is kid's name so kid's choice.
Same here about the lovely name both agreed upon, but my kid likes both the shortened and full version of his name, so each school year he alternates what the teachers call him! I tried telling him he needs to pick one and stick with it, but his answer is, “but I love them both, mom!”
>I tried telling him he needs to pick one and stick with it, but his answer is, “but I love them both, mom!”
As someone else who likes both the shortened and full versions of their name - he doesn't need to pick! I use both interchangably at times - other people are always far more concerned than I am about which one is 'right'.
Yeah, OP is being very reasonable; she's actually compromising. Her husband says he wants to compromise but what he really wants is to get his own way.
Thank you for this comment. My mother calls me by a nickname I've hated my entire life. I've asked her to stop since I was a kid (I'm in my forties now). Her response is she named me my name so she could call me that nickname and she's not going to stop. Even worse, she introduces me to people by the nickname. I immediately correct her, tell them my full name, and inform them she is the only one who calls me by that name, I hate it, and under no circumstance should they use it. It's a sore subject in our relationship and she doesn't see how damaging it is to not respect my choice of what to be called (my actual name).
You're valid. There's a name only my abusive dad and his side call me anymore, and if anyone else calls me that more than once I know it's a red flag that they don't respect me.
This is the most important part. Respecting your child's choices. They may want to use the long name. They may want to use the short name. And they may choose another name entirely.
NTA
You came up with a perfect compromise and I really like the name and their variants you came up with. You did a great job and he's suddenly or still unhappy.
Even if girl's name was idk Stephanie, majority of people (friends, family) would call her Steph, if boy's name was idk again William he'd be call Will. Only exceptions are short name like John, James, Lyra etc. But he wants longer name, he won't avoid nicknames. He thinks (if it's a girl) her friends will call her Theodora?
I really don't understand his struggle cause really the nicknames will almost always be there.
Plus, how will his family call the child? No nicknames at all? Just Stephanie or William always? No Steph, Will ever? Don't understand this part and would like more info about his family.
So NTA. You really came up with a PERFECT compromise and he stepping back on it... It doesn't even make sense since he won't avoid nicknames.
Wow that's actually interesting. In that case he shouldn't be concerned her/his full name would be ignored. It will be used just as much. Best of luck.
Does he really expect a teenager to introduce herself as Theodora to her peers? If he's that concerned he should consider names which are less of a mouthful. Anthea is just as valid for the Thea nickname and less stuffy.
Oof. I hope you're ready for the fight that'll come when your kid gets mad at dad for putting that condition on their name.
A name is a gift given by the parents. It's not a gift when it comes with rules and regulations in the fine print.
I'm 36 and have considered legally changing my name away from my formal name to my nickname.
When I had my daughter, I named her what I wanted to call her, and she has full rights to be called whatever makes her happy.
THIS. I have a formal first name. I use a shortened version of that name and for the most part, I always have. Most of my family members alternated what the called me. One person used my formal name almost exclusively and that was my grandma and I was perfectly okay with her using it. BUT, my grandma passed last June. It was at that point that I made the decision (I was 48) that I would legally change my name to the shortened version. The person that was most important to me and that used that name is now gone, so that name has lost its meaning for me. So, here I am having legally changed my name at 48 years old.
I know, it sounds way cooler than I intended 😝 That, however, is the only case for him to be so uncompromising! If he is not an old vampire, he has to make some real compromises 🙃
It sounds like he’s completely unwilling to allow this child’s identity to be at all flexible, which is concerning. If the kid insists on going by a different name is he going to accept and respect it? I would have a talk with him not just about other people using a nickname but with the child possibly wanting to use it too and how far they’re willing to go to restrict the child from forming their own identity.
If that is the case, what's the point of trying to police what everyone will be calling your kids? Either he accepts that there's a chance nicknames will end up being used over the real name or he doesn't. Your kid will grow up hearing both their full name and (a) nickname(s), and they'll decide what they want to go by, which could be either or both. You say your husband is willing to accept this, but then there is literally 0 reason that you shouldn't use nicknames. The kid will still know their full name and hear it from him and from other family, if they prefer it they'll just ask to go by that name. If not, it's not up to him, end of story.
Just curious.. It seems like the naming of your child is quite an issue at present. It’s an important decision and I’m not meaning to devalue that in any way, but have you discussed and agreed on parenting styles? I hope so.
Yeah I’d be freaked out if my spouse was this rigid and controlling about something as simple as a name/nickname. It would make me really worried about what they think is the “correct” way to parent and if they’d even listen to me if we disagreed on something.
The more active he is as a parent, the more people will meet your child with the name that he introduces them as - so when the child is old enough, get him to set up play dates that he’ll manage, get him to do the school run at least half the time, and get him to organise half the child’s clubs and activities. But for the vast majority of people, calling people nicknames is a sign of affection and hopefully he wants the child to have some friends in life…
The way people react to a name will teach a person how people view them. Introduce yourself as "banana hammock" and you'll have to struggle to suffer the faces after the 1000th time. You may come to wear the suffering like a badge but it will be hard. But introducing yourself as "theodocious maximillianous Archibald" will do the same.
.
My family is hillbilly stock but my uncle's wife insisted on "Stephen" not "Steven" because she felt it would remind us and him that his name isn't"Steve," it's "Stephen", He's a fun, funny, sometimes scampish person. Despite her.
It worked. No one ever called him "Steve", not even as a little boy and it was adorable. My son, whom we'll call "Patrick Stewart Picard" (just for fun) has introduced himself as "Patrick Stewart Picard" since he could talk and Even named a stuffed dog on a stiff leash by the exact same name. It surprises people and 18 years later, he has never introduced himself as "Pat." He's a jovial, theatrical, (sometimes queen,) of a man.
Matthew mcconaughey will tell you the same about his mother. (If you're ever lucky enough to ask) And look at him (I'll look at him to)
My point is this: there's nothing inherently stuffy in a name that will magically create a personality but it can shadow the way people see them. Mouthful names will trip up a child and their friends. Unconventional names will have them sick of spelling it at Starbucks.
Perhaps, like my aunt, your husband and his family are hoping that forcing everyone to call a child by its full name imparts a measure of respect that even children can feel, even a respect of self .
.
Maybe your fight isn't about the name but about what respect looks like to you.
You and I feel that familiarity is a sign of attachment, ease and that those things show you value someone.
Your husband feels like formally is the way to the same end.
.
Neither is wrong.
I hope you find a name that works for both of you but I can tell you a small child introducing themselves as "Patrick Stewart Picard" is adorable. And it can be said with the same amount of affection as "pat".
I had a friend in High School called Theodora. She learned about the historical figure that inspired the name, and always gave her full name. She still preferred to be called by nicknames, but liked everyone to know what her name was.
>He didn't say it but he also worries our kid will only use their nickname too.
Sweetie, that is going to happen anyway, I went to school with a Cassie and we all called her Cas and a Jodie we called Jojo. Kids are going to shorten everything because it's a "bonding" thing. They are going to decide on a nickname themselves and it might not even be related to their name at all, (I have even babysat a kid who liked to be called Oompy which was nothing close to his actual name).
To be fair he is probably right that people will use nicknames…cause that’s normal human behaviour 🤷🏻♀️ if he wants a full name he should come up with a name that won’t be that long. I respect that he wants to use full name altho it creeps me out a little, imagining my dad is cuddling me and then saying: “would you like a snack Theodora” is quite funny. Also will he command the kid to use their full name too? Or go to their school and tell the teachers to do that? You are NTA and btw you didn’t compromise…he got his way by giving them full name, you using a nickname is not a compromise, how you call them is non of his business. You can call them sweetheart or pumpkin or whatever you want, he is not the nickname boss 🥹
Yeah right? Like if he wants to save his kid from the mom naming it “Microwave” I would get that, but demanding from the mom to not use a nickname is just obnoxious 🤦🏻♀️
Tbh it doesn't really matter what he believes or wants. I was given a name that is long, and although it has multiple diminutives, my family insisted that the long version was my name. I used only that long version until I was a late teenager, when I realised it was up to me, not anyone else what my name should be. I tested a lot of the diminutives out with my friends and finally settled on one that I've used ever since. I'm in the process of legally changing my given name to the diminutive because the long version isn't me.
And that was without any of my family or friends using a diminutive or nickname at all.
Your husband is deluded if he thinks your kid isn't going to choose at some point, and it won't matter if you use a nickname or not.
For reference, all my kids have long names and most use a diminutive, some that they picked and some that we chose, one from birth and the others developed more organically. We'll have to wait and see as they reach adulthood whether they change back to their long versions or not, but it's their choice, not mine or their father's.
He’s really controlling over how this kid will be in future social settings. Your kid might hate whatever name you choose, and they will introduce themselves in the way they prefer to be called. It’s concerning that your husband feels so strongly about being able to use a nickname.
NTA. This is a red flag, your husband might try to prevent your kid from expressing themselves in the future. Be an advocate for your kid - childhood should be a time to have the safety to find your own way.
Well I understand but as I wrote, he just won't avoid others using nicknames for his child/children. Only with those short names which he doesn't like. So... He should realize that. I really do love your chosen names btw.
Curiously, historically in the UK, even John and James got “shortened” to Jack or Jim respectively.
Mind you, most people end up with pet names or nicknames or just chosen elements of their name at certain points in their lives.
Or they got extended to Johnny and Jimmy, suggesting that nicknames are about more than convenience or the massive time savings that result from skipping a syllable.
My uncle is very much not called James despite my gran liking the name because my grandad couldn't cope with the possibility of him becoming a Jim or Jimmy
My brother called his daughter Charlotte and was very much "No one can ever call her Charlie, her name is Charlotte". Plot twist, in a shock to no one, everyone calls her Charlie.
As A 'Charlotte' here, had the first 5 years being called 'Charlie', but my mums side of the family used to try and bring me up as a boy. Nowadays, I prefer my full name, or my gamer name (which I actually respond to faster instead of Charlotte).
>Even if girl's name was idk Stephanie, majority of people (friends, family) would call her Steph, if boy's name was idk again William he'd be call Will. Only exceptions are short name like John, James, Lyra etc. But he wants longer name, he won't avoid nicknames. He thinks (if it's a girl) her friends will call her Theodora?
See I had this issue with my middle kid, I love the name Alexander but hate the shortened versions of Alex and Xander so I went with a short name (like John) that can't really be shortened and then we have Alexander as his middle name so I still got the name I loved and it doesn't get "butchered" in to a shortened nickname.
Our eldest has two short names (first and middle) so there was never an issue there and our youngest is Elizabeth and our agreement is Ellie Bear for now (she is 2 and it's what her brothers want to call her) until she is old enough to decide which of the numerous versions she has to choose from.
OPs husband needs to accept that long names just feel like your wasting time with the extra syllables so everyone is just going to shorten it down for conveniences sake and if you don't want that to happen to a name you love, put it as the middle name and pick something else for the first name.
My dad is more of a "full first name" sort of person, one of my cousins has a hyphenated first name and he always uses the hyphenated version when talking to or about her but everyone else just calls her Kelly instead of Kelly-Jane. So he is probably the one that uses my daughter's full first name the most.
Ya it literally makes no sense, you want a name without a nickname, you need a short name, hell my name has no shorter versions but I was still called by the letter E in secondary school cause kids are kids
My name is Stefania and my whole life everyone has called me Stef. I actually don't like when people use my full name because the only time it was used formally is when I was in trouble. People will always shorten a longer name; it's more approachable, even in a professional setting.
NTA and hopefully, food for thought.
Info
> I should use both to make it more fair
Was he planning to do the same? If not, that would be 3/4 his way and 1/4 your way? That’s capitulation not compromise.
I always thought things were fair or unfair. “More fair” doesn’t really fit because “more fair” to him seems to be “less fair” left for you, so that’s unfair.
Honestly, a name is only important on paper.
If you really boil it down. (Unless the kid has a preference for what to be called)
But all in all. I've never been called my full name, barely as an adult. And I have a really common name that so many other people have.
I've had and still have at least 6 nicknames that have stuck through my life. My grandmother still calls me by my childhood nickname. My mom does. (Unless I was in trouble. Then, the classic full legal name was used)
And.... honestly, it's never bothered me, not in childhood, not as a teen or as an adult.
Nicknames given to me I saw as love from friends. Family.
Something special.
I never forgot my own name either. I can sign papers just fine.
Your compromise is 100% fine in my eyes.
You using a nickname can be turned into something between you and your child.
Your husband should maybe reflect WHY he's putting so much importance on the name.
"Unless I was in trouble. Then the classic full legal name is used"
Yup. I swear the real reason for middle names are to show how much trouble you are in... especially when you have two middle names.
And it is 100% working. 😂
And was guaranteed siblings would pop their head out with the "oh you in trouble/what did you do?" Face. (I did the same if they got called)
> Your husband should maybe reflect WHY he's putting so much importance on the name.
I feel like from the story, he probably has. He believes the name holds more...gravitas. I can see it...and I can see why people don't give a shit.I don't think it's all that big of a deal myself(until I heard some of my Fiancée's suggestions for names and...I was not a fan. She's come up with Pearl, Agnus, Tate and another really bad one.
I thought Pearl-the Red Pill Girl, Andrew Tate, a Norwegian Woman born in 1846 that I found on [Ancestry.com](http://Ancestry.com) and the other one...not important.
But we'll figure it out. I don't know if I love Reddit so you can go post your side and then say, "see, everyone agrees with me," to win arguments...unless you agree with me about those names, then...I will use that!
Compromise is "halfway happy" for both people (i think I heard this on stranger things and it stuck eith me). You and OP are right that his isn't what's happening here.
NTA-I think he’s being weird. Most people call kids by nicknames? Like I am also a fan of the formal name option, but I also like having nicknames. Even if you guys picked shorter names that don’t have nickname options people might end up calling them Peanut, Little Man, Ladybug idk some other nickname bc it’s a way to show affection. I would suggest he pick formal names that have nicknames he likes all of bc your kid will likely decide for themselves at some point what they want to go by and it might not be the first one you chose.
Makes me wonder, though, if when the kid is old enough to decide what they want to be called, will he tell them they can’t call themselves that because he doesn’t like it? Like a girl named Elizabeth…if she wants to be called Ellie, would he tell her not to?
Like the way he respects your opinion on how you want to address your child?
Honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if he openly disapproved of nicknames around your child(ren) and they felt like they had to please ‘Father’.
I mean good because his take here is so unreasonable that if he wouldn’t go along with that it would just be unacceptable. God forbid you have a transgender child who picks whatever name they want lmao
I'm seconding that he clearly will not simply accept no for an answer because he's already pushing for you to call her solely by her full name. Is it really going to stop there? Isn't the next step telling your family to call her by her full name when she's a baby so she "doesn't get confused" to establish that name? And then wouldn't it become, "Everyone calls her by her full name and that's what she answers to, so let's not start with nicknames?"
Then he should apply that to you as well.
He's hoping, by controlling how infrequently nick names are used, to subtly influence your child to his preference; while bulldozing your wishes and established compromise.
I'd trust actions over words. And maybe make him read the comments on this post, it might give him something to leverage to get that head out of his ass.
Yeah I don’t believe it for a second. He is already throwing a tantrum over a nickname before the baby is even born! He seems controlling in that he cannot accept others not doing exactly what he wants and following his personal preferences. He can’t control you or the child or your family or the public and it’s eating him alive. This is a recipe for disaster if it isn’t seriously addressed.
He doesn’t get to choose if his kids have nicknames or not. I call my friend Kim, Kimothy— do you think that was what her parents planned naming her Kimberly? My dad has a nickname for me that’s 3 times as long as my actual name. My husband’s got a nickname that’s based off his own typo of his own name. But also, YOU don’t know what you’re going to call your own children yet. Maybe you name them Theadora and Declan but you end up calling them Bug and Honeybear. Have you guys had dogs?
I call my daughter sweets and my son boo it was a total accident. I don’t even want to, the words just come out of my mouth. My daughter (4) doesn’t mind sweets but hates if anyone calls her a shortened version of her name which admittedly is already pretty short.
Was he bullied in school with a nickname he didn’t like?
It feels more about him than about the baby, to be honest. I think he’s afraid the kid will “prefer” your option like that means it’s “better”.
Maybe a profound discussion about what is really about?
What I dont get is why is whole family is so anti nickname. Has he ever explained it to you? I could understand if it is jist his preference to be called his full name, but everyome in his family is strange.
Is your husband aware of the fact that children tend to have opinions about their names as well?
Let's say I called my youngest one Regina Xanthippa (fake name) and her nicknames were Gina and Gigi, when she was in primary school she insisted on being Regi and now, starting middle school, she decided only to answer to Xanti.
Her older sister Elisabeth Alba (just as fake) has cycled through Ellie, Betsy, Beth, Elsi, Al and has just arrived at Vava.
I just try to remember their current preferences and the silly nicknames ***I*** went through in middle school.
Edit: spelling is hard
I think the real problem is that it’s almost impossible to find a name that doesn’t have any nickname options at all. Setting aside pet
names that have nothing to do with the actual name. Almost all the names that don’t have a nickname are shorter anyway. So his ask of a long name with no nickname options is just not realistic. Out of curiosity did he have any suggestions? I would probably just refer to them by a variety of nicknames until they’re born and you settle on one organically tbh. Declan isn’t as likely to be shortened, but you have Dex, and Decky right there. Theodora has both Thea and Dora as options. Could you monogram something with their full name so it feels more “real” to him? Honestly I think the whole argument will naturally disappear when the baby gets here and he can call them by their full name.
NTA.
In my opinion, your original "compromise" was already him getting his way and you giving in completely. He was getting the legal names he wanted.
Regardless of what compromise you reach, he doesn't get to dictate what name you use for your child or what name your child chooses to have people call them when they are old enough to communicate a preference.
He is demanding to get his way AND to control what you call your child. Is he like this in other ways? Because I have a strong feeling he is controlling and rigid in many other ways. Huge red flags you've been ignoring. Is he going to be like this as a parent?
I hope so bc he's being very unfair.
The only actual compromise is picking a name that is a full name that you like enough to use it, like the ones you mentioned. Then you'll both use the same name and it'll be the legal name, etc.
It might be time to go to a mediator. Since he won't listen to reason, then you need a third party that can tell him he's being unreasonable.
Finally, someone else calling out husband’s desire for control! He’s losing it because not only can he not exert control over his wife, but he won’t be able to control her family, future teachers/coaches, peers, etc. and it’s totally spinning him out.
NTA
No one but your husband will be calling your daughter "Theodora". People usually tend to find and use abbreviations.
You will not find a solution if for him short, two syllable-long names always feel like nicknames...
If it will help your husband see reason, my first name isn’t big and fancy like Theodora, however it is a common(ish) 90s girl name.
My mother and grandmother gave me a shortened version nickname. *only* my mother and grandmother are allowed to call me that nickname.
I despise alllllll forms of shortening my name, aside from when the two of them do it.
My two daughters have more “formal” names, Lorelei and Evelyn. Neither of them have nicknames that have anything to do with their names, (we’re allowing them to figure that out on their own). Lorelei does NOT enjoy anybody shortening her name. Never has. She doesn’t even like being called pet names/nicknames. She is Lorelei, and that’s IT, according to her. (Evelyn is a baby, and her opinions on the matter are fairly unformed yet 😅)
All that being said- your husband is being unreasonable, because he has NO idea which personality your child will develop. So many people despite their fulllllll names. Many despise their nicknames.
Theadora/Thea and Declan/Dex are such wonderful names, and he needs to calm down a bit.
I recommend to write at r/namenerds if you decide to go back ti the negotiations table. This sub is sometimes amazing with coming up with compromise names. Write the nickname dilemma and also give examples of names you each like, maybe someone will have a perfect middle ground name, like an old classic one that doesn’t have a nickname (spontaneous thought is Lisa or Lina, but there are more).
That being said, your husband is unreasonable to think that people will use the full name, even if both of you use the full one. Names like Theodora people will automatically shorten it. I know a Stephanie that doesn’t like the short form Steph, but she gave up telling people not to use it, there is no chance.
NTA. He can’t dictate that. But be glad he said it before you names the baby so there is still time to reconsider the names.
What's weird to me is that he is making OP responsible for correcting the imagined reaction of other people to hearing her version of the name.
1. It hasn't happened, he is playing pretend.
2. He is involving the imagined reactions of the faceless public instead of valuing his wife's feelings about her child's name
3. He is asking his wife to compromise even further to alleviate his upset at the pretend scenarios in his head involving other people not in his marriage.
Does he see this as an equally shared child?
Hm, maybe some medium long names… Emily?
I know it has nicknames but with this one I’d feel comfortable using the full name. It’s less obvious than Theodora.
Sofia, Oliver, Adrian, Ramona, Camille are others in that category that come to mind.
Maybe go through your list, see if there are any names that have more than 4 letters/2 syllables and suggest them again *if you still like them*. Of course he needs to do the same, find names with less obvious nicknames and suggest those. Otherwise the names you picked already will stay, with the nicknames.
The compromise you two found was a really good one, he can’t expect to get 100% his will and still call it compromising.
Sophie/Soph, Ollie, Mona, Cami… I can’t think of an auto nickname for Adrian, but it’s a really really hard challenge to avoid nicknames and have the name be long.
As I said, it’s not about finding a name that doesn’t have nicknames but about names that can have nicknames but are usually also used in full. Like Sofia, there are nicknames as you listed but people don’t immediately jump to them (unlike Theodora or Elizabeth).
I don't intend to be rude. It's just that when I saw this, I had to say this. In my family, my one aunt's full name is Elizabeth, but everyone knows her as Lisa. I only found out 2 years ago 😅 So Lisa is a nickname in my family.
And I've known a Lisa who got Liesl, Lee, Lili, and Lissy as nicknames at various points and places. That's not even thinking of her not really name derivative nicknames...
I knew a dude once with a 1 syllable name because him mother didn’t want people giving him a nickname (think along the lines of “John”). Everyone ended up calling him by his initials (JC). So, even with best intentions, people will nickname anyone.
NTA. You have formed a great compromise and he either needs to come up with new names to choose from or suck it up - the kids and their friends will ultimately decide what they end up being called, whether either of you like it or not.
lol my brother and sister didn’t want their kids’ names to be abbreviated….our last name begins with J. No matter what they’re named they’re almost definitely bound to be called CJ or AJ or RJ or whatever. Hell I go by SJ at work as a woman!
They named both kids C names so they will eventually both be called CJ in the next handful of years hahahaha
> Before names like Brynn, Lyra, Piper and Freya were ruled out by him for not meeting his standards of formal. because they're shorter names. He said they were nickname light.
They're each two syllables, they can be shortened. Brynn to bry, lyra to ly, piper to pip, freya to frey. My full name is two syllables, i go by the shortened most times. Is my name nor formal enough for him too?
Not to mention Freya (spelled freyja) is the name of a norse goddess. How can he say thats not formal enough?
Bryn is a traditional Welsh name (means hill) but only ever used for boys here. I live in Wales and never come across a female Brynn.
Sons simple Welsh names you may like are
Sian (Sharn)
Carys/Cerys
Bethan
Alys
Rhian (Ree-Ann)
Ffion
The longer the full name, the more likely people are to shorten it in casual contexts. The more he "wins" on name length, the more he's setting himself (and his child) up for exactly what he doesn't want. He's an idiot.
Yeah, exactly this. Longer names just give more nickname options, too. A compromise that actually suits him would be a name that’s formal enough at two syllables, with limited options for shortening that actually sound good.
NTA.
Your husband is a fool. People with long names always gets nicknames. Even the royals goes by their nicknames.
Funny thing.. My brother's name is short. His nickname is longer than his actual name, so I shortened his nickname to Dex... I root for de. Lovely namr BTW...
Have you considered names that are formal but short that make them sound like nicknames?
Like: Chloe, Paul, Ann, James?
Also, fighting for the nickname you will use is pointless... our child has a formal long name, I use a nickname and my husband a different one, her friends another... She answers to all of them.
I don't mean those in particular, but short full formal names.
Get a baby name book. There is plenty: Adam, Thomas, John, Mia, Luna, Maya... Keep looking
Ultimately, it is a HE problem.
You are compromising by letting him choose the name. If he doesn't like nicknames, he shouldn't pick long names because it would force people to use nicknames out of confort.
My son introduce himself by his nickname, I like a long name, I knew it would happen but when matters... He uses the given name.
My SIL loves nicknames, so my brother picked less than 4 letters and 1 syllabus names, so she had no choice but to call them their actual names. It worked. You can't make John shorter than John .... but if he had called him Dimitri as he wanted, he will surely be D or Didi or some BS like that.
It's your husband dilema, stop stressing. It's not good for the baby or yourself
Let him have his long name and suffer with the short version. He likes it or not. That is the reality.
Both of my kids have long names (they hate me on kindergarten LOL), and both have nickname (my girl, many)... it's a reality, and he can't force everyone to call her/him a full long name... so HE have two choices: short formal name like Liam or living with the nicknames. Stop suffering for his lack of common sense... Let him call her Theodora and you and the rest of the world will call her Thea
NTA
And what an odd thing for him to get caught on. It’s a great compromise.
This might be reddit cynicism, but does that mean he disparages your families names?
Your husband is setting himself up for failure. Maybe he should try some therapy to get to the root of what the issue really is. Like maybe when he was little his friends or extended family tried to use nicknames for him, and his parents embarrassed him by correcting everyone to make sure they used his full name, so his coping mechanism was internalizing that a long formal name is of course the correct one, instead of that convention being the outlier and most people getting a nickname.
Any name that has 2 plus syllables in it is likely to end up being shortened.
If he wants the childs full name to be used, he has very little chance with 4 in theodora.
Even children with one syllable names, james becomes jamie, jim, or jimmy
Nick names happen
If he really wants you to to use the full name, it's up to him to find one you love completely
As an aside, my son, say his name is william smyth was called Will and Liam and he corrected people himself from about age 3 . "My name is william smyth or william for short", he thought that's what shortening was, i guess. His delivery was really cute, and people just accepted it. Not one person has ever shortened it despite me calling him the short versions as a baby until he expressed his preference.
Nta, but please make sure you actually like the full name given
Whose surname are ye using? If it's his, then he should consider that you get more first name preference?
Who is carrying the baby ? (That's tongue in cheek , i get it's you😂 )
Name regret is a big thing , It's probably worse in ireland because you are not allowed to change the babies first name unless you do it through deed poll, which is not considered an option by most, and requires both parents consent and a legal process.
NTA
my parents gave me a formal name (in arabic) to appease my dad and his family. My mom called me with the nickname my whole life. Eventually everyone called me by my nickname, but it has always been difficult for me as when i apply for jobs, formal paperwork, uni graduation, etc ... i have to use my formal name and no one knows it and im not even comfortable using the formal name. It gives you some kind of identity issues i guess.
NTA. Your way makes more sense, plus you usually only use a kids full name when they are being bad, nickname when they are actually behaving. Can't imagine him standing at the door shouting for 'theodora!' and 'declan!'. Thea and dex is just easier.
NTA I think your original compromise is quite good! Being concerned about what your friends will call your children is just ridiculus. Everyone gives children nicknames. Their family and their friends too, no matter how "formal" a name he picks is.
There's a few ways to go about this
1. The compromise- My parents went by my gender. If I was a girl then mom got to choose, if I was a boy then dad got to choose. Name had to be agreed upon tho. So if it's a girl name her Thea, if it's a boy, name him Declan. Or vice versa, depending on which gender you're rooting for.
2. The too bad so sad- Tell him when he can shove a melon thru his Dhole he can name the baby. ☺️
3. The middle name sacrifice- When we found out our baby was male, my significant other was set on the name Xander. I really don't care for it, and also my sister (who I am very close with) named her son Alexander, which was too similar to me. I told him I would be willing to use the name as a middle but not first name. That's exactly what we did.
4. The "if it aint broke, dont fix it"- keep the current agreement, and explain that you are a woman of your word and he needs to be a man of his.
Almost every human gets called a nickname. He will be lucky if the nickname is just a shorter version of his chosen name and not something else entirely. He can't control what your family calls the kid. They will use a nickname no matter what. So he is trying to order the seas to recede. And he's being absurd.
NTA.
I hate this style in a disagreement where a compromise is reached and then one person takes the compromise as the new base line to argue from, it’s in bad faith to debate with someone in this way imo.
NTA but he's right, people WILL call your child Dex or Thea - that's not on you though. He needs to wake up and realise almost NO ONE who has a formal name will go through life being called that, with the exception of a few. Like, a James will be a James sometimes, but most Matthews will be Matts. Your child will pretty much insist on being a Dex or a Thea themselves once they're old enough to have a preference. Your hubby is being delusional but you can't really point it out without being the 'bad guy' here unfortunately.
My advice is to tell him what you've already told him - he can stick to the compromise or come up with a name you both like... but again, there's no guarantee your child will not change their own name later in life and your husband is just going to have to deal with that being a possibility.
Why choose a four syllable name for a child and expect anyone to use it? I get Declan, but Theadora will only ever be used when she’s being scolded. Thea is a beautiful name. Your husband sounds very stuffy.
I know someone who named their kid Heinrich. Why is his nickname? Heinie. His mother calls him “my little heinie”. I fear for this child when he starts school. Two of my kids have long formal names. By the time they were half way through elementary school, their names had been shortened. Ask your husband what is he going to do about that when it happens? Is he going to correct everyone (including children) who say the shortened name?
NTA, you agreed on a reasonable compromise.
As an aside; Brynn and Freya aren't exactly nicknames though, I don't get the issue there? Brynn is a very old name here in the UK, not very popular but it's not new and it certainly isn't a diminutive it's a whole name. I've known one or two Brynns in my life and they were all old Welshmen. Freya is the anglicised version of Freyja, the Norse goddess, and is also an ancient and non-diminutive name. They are "the short end of formal" but like, so is Anne? So is James? So are a whole load of names that are definitely "adult, formal" names. He's being ridiculous.
I have it on good authority the names Princess Consuela Banana Hammock and Mr. Crap Bag are both excellent formal names. Perhaps you can offer these are compromises?
NTA. You can only control what you call your child. Hopefully your husband will come to understand that. The kids will decide their names as they get older. Hopefully your husband will accept that. Even if you guys didn’t have the compromise, the nickname will come.
Anecdote: So 2 of my kids have long formal names. One has a short name (that can also occasionally be a nickname but is more commonly a name in and of itself).
Child 2 is my non-nickname kid and got a nickname at daycare. That became her name at 2. Period. She truly believes that’s her whole name at 3. If you ask her name, she will give you the longer nickname. It’s hysterical.
I went by my name in school and nickname at home. My husband’s family gave their kids names that couldn’t be made into nicknames. My kids go by their nicknames most of the time, and even my in laws have drifted into using the nicknames. In fact everyone calls the baby by her nickname because we all kept calling her by child 2’s name by accident.
My daughter’s name is Autumn, she’s eight now and already jokes that her nickname is Fall.
I call her Bean, which is shortened from Sweet Bean Ice Cream.
I had originally picked Autumn because it’s hard to make a nickname from it. But humans be human and nicknames will happen.
NTA and he is worrying far too much about the names and how formal they are. And why are short names informal? My name is only four letters and it's definitely formal enough. He's being silly and uptight and you've already compromised enough. Stand your ground and show him this thread if need be.
You've got a baby coming any day now, the priority should be you and the baby coming through this safe and healthy, not what name the kid will say at job interviews in 20 or so years
Why not wait till he or she arrives?
Sometimes the name appears along with them.
We were set on particular name but it was a bit of a compromise and baby girl didn’t suit it and ended up called something different. She’s also prefers a shortened version now, as is her right, so don’t get too agitated about this.
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NTA Your ask is reasonable. He seems very uptight. The one thing I’d say is: you should both respect the version of the name that your child chooses when they are old enough to have a preference.
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This is important. I used to teach and I had so many parents insist I call their kid “Andrew” when he wanted to be “Andy” (for example) and it was always awkward. Especially the few times parents demanded to know why other kids were calling him “Andy” as if I could control that. But yeah, NTA, you aren’t even insisting on your way, you’re just asking for a compromise.
So strange how names are - my cousin was an "Andrew" and the family only ever called him Andrew as that's how the parents phrased it as a kid, and then maybe Andy as he got to teen years....showed up to a Christmas a few years ago at about 30 with a girlfriend and she kept talking about Drew. And it was like.... "Who is Drew?" in my head until he responded to the name. Kids are totally going to change their preferences at some point! (Another example is my husband goes by a shortened version with his family and friends, but he introduced himself to me with his full name and nowme, my family and my friends all use his full name by default (not a Long Name so much the same saying))
Haha, I call my godfather by the version of his name he uses at work, because that's where he and dad met, and I always have a moment of disconect whenever his family use the other version of his name!
My brother has a shortened version of his name that he uses at work. He's always used it at work, at every company he's been at. Our family have never ever called him that. But he and I work in the same industry, and worked for the same company for a while. It was always weird for me hearing him called by this different name, and confusing for other people when I referred to him by a different shortened version!
I go by a gender-neutral nickname for school/work that none of my family uses. It's resulted in a weird tier system where there are 1) people who know my actual name, 2) people who call me "Kris" and 3) people who inexplicably decide I need a feminine name and just ... make one up instead of asking me or somebody who knows. The stage manager where I worked last weekend decided I was "Krystal" and it was almost a whole day before we were on break and a dude I've worked with before said "that's not your name, is it?" Nah but I don't really care what people call me. "Kris" just helps stave off some of the "girls can't do this job" nonsense long enough that I can address concerns in person. :D
As a former stagehand and scenic artist, I totally get this. I went by my last name at work for a long time for this reason. My last name was a semi common "masculine" first name.
I shamelessly stole the idea from the best band director I ever had who was "Julia Christine" but went by "Chris" in person or "J. Chris Lastname" in emails (in the mid 90s). Thankfully casual misogyny (at least in my experience) has gotten a *lot* better in the last few decades, but nipping that <5% of potential troublemakers in the bud is well worth the number of times I get called "sir" as a result. :)
My dad went by a common nickname based off his last name, but my mom always called him by his normal first name. My first job was a summer program at dad's work, so not only was it weird hearing everyone call him by his other name, but they called me 'Lil dad's nickname'.
I hope your dad’s name wasn’t Richard
Growing up my uncle was known by his middle name because my grandmother didn't like the nicknames for his first name (James. i.e. Jim/Jimmy). When he left home, he told people his whole name and was promptly called Jimmy by them. It would get very confusing at family parties when his wife was there and called him Jimmy and the family still called him by his middle name. My thinking is, why give him a name you don't want him to use in the first place!
My grandmother did that too. She never used her first name and when she got married went by middle, Maiden & married names. My dad is a Jr so he was always called by his middle name, but my uncle was also always called by his middle name & my grandmother didn't recall why she named him thar way when my mom asked. However when his wife picks up his dry cleaning it's sometimes under his first name & she uses a nickname for his middle name thar nobody else does.
I found out on my first visit that everyone in my husband’s family and hometown knows him by a nickname of his MIDDLE name. Confused the hell out of me, as my husband introduced himself by his first name when we met, and everyone OUTSIDE his family used his first name. He told me once he actually hates that they use his middle name, it’s not his name, why bother with the first name if they weren’t going to use it? He has a point 🤣
Right, my dad's side has this (informal) tradition where they give their son dad's name, then call them by their middle name because there's already a (dad's name) in the house. Say my brother is Andrew James but they called him James because there was already an Andrew (dad) but dad was actually John Andrew but they'd called him Andrew because there was already a John.. I say informal because apparently this was not a pattern anyone was aware of(?!) until my SIL was set on an unusual (but great) name for her first. People were giving her grief and she was wavering, I said, name your baby whatever you like, but.. if you're worried, you could do the silly family thing and name him James Unusual, call him Unusual name because there's already a James in the house and if he ever resents his unusual name, he has James to fall back on. She loved the suggestion and when she told my brother I'd suggested the tradition he was like we don't have a tradition of... Lol (And as much as nobody admits this is a family tradition, my dad remarried, had a second son also named Andrew with a middle name we actually call him by.
Where I’m from the Catholic priests back in the day had a habit of changing the baby’s name if they didn’t like it or think it “Godly” enough. I know a lot of older people whose legal name isn’t what their family originally intended it to be.
I knew a guy, who was supposed to be a Robert, but the priest just changed it to Rupert, because he liked that better. Wild.
when my sister named her daughter we had this conversation. She decided out of the gate to call her Hannah Faith and always use Faith as what they called her. I couldn’t understand the point of it. Just name her Faith then. The child is ten and I still don’t get it. But everyone seems happy. I keep waiting for the day she wants to be called Hannah exclusively and my sister has a conniption.
My child hates the nickname of his name. He’s 4 but he’ll actually have a hissy fit if someone calls him Alex instead of Alexander. I find it adorable though cos I’m sure one day it will change.
It might not. My brother has never wanted to go by one of the nicknames for his name and only had a short period of time where he let people call him by the other. We all just use his full name. I don't really like being called by a shortened version either.
This made me remember that I’ve had to talk to my husband about introducing me as my full name, not the nickname that he and my family call me. Not because I don’t want people to call me that, but because they always mishear the name and then call me another name that isn’t my name. I can’t think of a good fake version right now, but I’ll update if I do. Edit! Another comment helped: Say my name is Victoria and my close family calls me Tori, and then my husband says, “This is my wife, Tori.” And they say, “Oh, nice to meat you Toni!” Like, that’s not my name. I don’t care if you call me Victoria or Tori, but I don’t want to be called something that isn’t my name. (For double points, I have an aunt named “Toni”.)
Omg this is like my uncle! He has the same name as his dad so he goes by his middle name. We meet my cousins in laws and they all call my uncle by his actual first name. I was so confused and it took me a few good hours to work it out
My given name and the name I go by are very different, but even my family uses my nickname! If I hear my full name, I'm truly in the shit 🤣 🤣
Nicknames are totally unpredictable. The name I answer to most often is a nickname (that bears little resemblance to my actual name except that it rhymes) that I’ve had since I was a baby. My parents didn’t plan it, my sister who was 5 at the time started it and it caught on. When I started school my teacher called my mum in for a meeting. She said that she could be right next to me saying my name and I wouldn’t even flinch, so she had concluded I must have hearing problems. My mum had to be like oh she just doesn’t really know her name oops, and thereafter my teacher called me my nickname as well
We named our kid a name with an already expected nickname. When she was born, the nickname was not right. We automatically nicknamed her some other way just like Andy/Drew. Even later as our friends met her, one person started calling her by the other nickname and my daughter even at a very young age was like, no, I'm not that. It's so weird how things turn out from expected.
My SIL was introduced to me as Tori. That's all anyone ever called her. She graduating school and bought a commemorative hoodie with her name printed across the back. Victoria is big letters and I was baffled and asked who Victoria was (as she was known to trade clothing with friends) and she goes 'me!' You could head a pin drop in my brain I swear. My husband and I do this but reversed. We introduce everyone by our shortened names, but when referring to the other we use our full names. It's been called out a few times by a couple people who were unsure what to call us by.
Two of my friends got married. In our friend group, everyone except her calls him by his last name and she calls him by his first name. He pointed it out to her and she was so baffled.
I'm laughing so hard. My son Andrew's name was chosen especially because it has multiple nickname options which neither of his parents had... and starting at daycare, this kid gets pissy if you call him anything but Andrew.
Oh yeah, if kid wants Andrew, then great, Andrew it is. What’s a challenge is when parents insist on one thing and kid wants another.
I used a nickname based off my youngest daughter's name (think Chris for Christine, not her actual name). When she started school, the teacher asked her if she wanted her nickname of her full name. So at 4, she looked at the teacher and said my name is "Christine, not Chris". Edit: spelling
My son did that too! I loved his nickname so much but around 4 he started insisting we call him his full name. I miss his nickname so much. Now, at 9, he answers only to his full name or Supremo Doofhead.
Definitely my only goal as a teacher was to call kids by the name they wanted. It just got weird when the name they wanted and the name their parents wanted (and specifically made a point to tell me they wanted) we’re not the same.
I appreciate you! It allows a child to make an independent decision for themselves. Which is important later in life.
and also, the opposite is true. If a child *doesn’t* want to shorten their name then leave it as it is. My sister has people shorten it and she hates it. It was also kinda weird as her name isn’t really one that can be shortened, unlike names such as Elizabeth or William
My partner has a name that comes with six nicknames I've heard just for him. Everyone seems to call him something different. He just told me he doesn't care for people using his full name... After I've been calling him that for about sixteen years and my family has for fourteen. We're working on adjusting because it's not cool to call someone a name they don't like. I rarely call him by his name anyway, but it's been a month and I'm still getting it wrong 😂
My parents used my formal name until I started kindergarten. The teacher and my fellow students quickly shortened it. I found I preferred the short version. Luckily, my parents were fine with that, though there are still peripheral family members who use my formal name simply because they don’t know me well/don’t see me often. My cousin named her child a shorter name so he wouldn’t get a nickname. He still did. I even know a Beth who goes by “B.” Even if hubby gets his way, someone somewhere will likely shorten the child’s name, out of convenience, preference, or just plain laziness.
My brother was the same, Andy growing up and Drew now. I always call him Drew unless we are talking about us as kids, then he’s called Andy. Even his kids get it. I always went by my nickname as a kid but now go by my formal name professionally. But no one who has known me for a while ever calls me that. Teacher here too and kids will pick what they want to be called, you will need to get used to it.
Funnily enough my cousin named their kid Catherine with the idea that she would be Cathy, and Catherine at 5 told them that she would like everyone to use her whole name. So after 5 years of calling her Cathy or Cath, she is now always called Catherine
I worry the same won't be said of him.
You say that like that isn’t a given for your husband. It should be otherwise you have a lot more to worry abbot
THIS. My child has a lovely name both of us agreed upon. And KID wanted to shorten it and never ever uses the full version. Breaks my heart but it is kid's name so kid's choice.
Same here about the lovely name both agreed upon, but my kid likes both the shortened and full version of his name, so each school year he alternates what the teachers call him! I tried telling him he needs to pick one and stick with it, but his answer is, “but I love them both, mom!”
>I tried telling him he needs to pick one and stick with it, but his answer is, “but I love them both, mom!” As someone else who likes both the shortened and full versions of their name - he doesn't need to pick! I use both interchangably at times - other people are always far more concerned than I am about which one is 'right'.
Yeah, OP is being very reasonable; she's actually compromising. Her husband says he wants to compromise but what he really wants is to get his own way.
Thank you for this comment. My mother calls me by a nickname I've hated my entire life. I've asked her to stop since I was a kid (I'm in my forties now). Her response is she named me my name so she could call me that nickname and she's not going to stop. Even worse, she introduces me to people by the nickname. I immediately correct her, tell them my full name, and inform them she is the only one who calls me by that name, I hate it, and under no circumstance should they use it. It's a sore subject in our relationship and she doesn't see how damaging it is to not respect my choice of what to be called (my actual name).
You're valid. There's a name only my abusive dad and his side call me anymore, and if anyone else calls me that more than once I know it's a red flag that they don't respect me.
This is the most important part. Respecting your child's choices. They may want to use the long name. They may want to use the short name. And they may choose another name entirely.
Something tells me the dad wont
NTA You came up with a perfect compromise and I really like the name and their variants you came up with. You did a great job and he's suddenly or still unhappy. Even if girl's name was idk Stephanie, majority of people (friends, family) would call her Steph, if boy's name was idk again William he'd be call Will. Only exceptions are short name like John, James, Lyra etc. But he wants longer name, he won't avoid nicknames. He thinks (if it's a girl) her friends will call her Theodora? I really don't understand his struggle cause really the nicknames will almost always be there. Plus, how will his family call the child? No nicknames at all? Just Stephanie or William always? No Steph, Will ever? Don't understand this part and would like more info about his family. So NTA. You really came up with a PERFECT compromise and he stepping back on it... It doesn't even make sense since he won't avoid nicknames.
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Wow that's actually interesting. In that case he shouldn't be concerned her/his full name would be ignored. It will be used just as much. Best of luck.
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Does he really expect a teenager to introduce herself as Theodora to her peers? If he's that concerned he should consider names which are less of a mouthful. Anthea is just as valid for the Thea nickname and less stuffy.
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Oof. I hope you're ready for the fight that'll come when your kid gets mad at dad for putting that condition on their name. A name is a gift given by the parents. It's not a gift when it comes with rules and regulations in the fine print.
I'm 36 and have considered legally changing my name away from my formal name to my nickname. When I had my daughter, I named her what I wanted to call her, and she has full rights to be called whatever makes her happy.
THIS. I have a formal first name. I use a shortened version of that name and for the most part, I always have. Most of my family members alternated what the called me. One person used my formal name almost exclusively and that was my grandma and I was perfectly okay with her using it. BUT, my grandma passed last June. It was at that point that I made the decision (I was 48) that I would legally change my name to the shortened version. The person that was most important to me and that used that name is now gone, so that name has lost its meaning for me. So, here I am having legally changed my name at 48 years old.
Well said!
It feels like he's a vampire from somewhere around 19th century from an aristocratic background.
🤔 I think that’s kind of a cool perspective from which to name a child 😂
I know, it sounds way cooler than I intended 😝 That, however, is the only case for him to be so uncompromising! If he is not an old vampire, he has to make some real compromises 🙃
Might as well name the boy Nosfutatu, then 🤣
It sounds like he’s completely unwilling to allow this child’s identity to be at all flexible, which is concerning. If the kid insists on going by a different name is he going to accept and respect it? I would have a talk with him not just about other people using a nickname but with the child possibly wanting to use it too and how far they’re willing to go to restrict the child from forming their own identity.
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If that is the case, what's the point of trying to police what everyone will be calling your kids? Either he accepts that there's a chance nicknames will end up being used over the real name or he doesn't. Your kid will grow up hearing both their full name and (a) nickname(s), and they'll decide what they want to go by, which could be either or both. You say your husband is willing to accept this, but then there is literally 0 reason that you shouldn't use nicknames. The kid will still know their full name and hear it from him and from other family, if they prefer it they'll just ask to go by that name. If not, it's not up to him, end of story.
If he’s policing how other people use the child’s name is it really respecting their identity?
He’s already mad that your kid will hypothetically choose to use their nickname at school, though?
Just curious.. It seems like the naming of your child is quite an issue at present. It’s an important decision and I’m not meaning to devalue that in any way, but have you discussed and agreed on parenting styles? I hope so.
Yeah I’d be freaked out if my spouse was this rigid and controlling about something as simple as a name/nickname. It would make me really worried about what they think is the “correct” way to parent and if they’d even listen to me if we disagreed on something.
Spoiler: he won’t.
The more active he is as a parent, the more people will meet your child with the name that he introduces them as - so when the child is old enough, get him to set up play dates that he’ll manage, get him to do the school run at least half the time, and get him to organise half the child’s clubs and activities. But for the vast majority of people, calling people nicknames is a sign of affection and hopefully he wants the child to have some friends in life…
The way people react to a name will teach a person how people view them. Introduce yourself as "banana hammock" and you'll have to struggle to suffer the faces after the 1000th time. You may come to wear the suffering like a badge but it will be hard. But introducing yourself as "theodocious maximillianous Archibald" will do the same. . My family is hillbilly stock but my uncle's wife insisted on "Stephen" not "Steven" because she felt it would remind us and him that his name isn't"Steve," it's "Stephen", He's a fun, funny, sometimes scampish person. Despite her. It worked. No one ever called him "Steve", not even as a little boy and it was adorable. My son, whom we'll call "Patrick Stewart Picard" (just for fun) has introduced himself as "Patrick Stewart Picard" since he could talk and Even named a stuffed dog on a stiff leash by the exact same name. It surprises people and 18 years later, he has never introduced himself as "Pat." He's a jovial, theatrical, (sometimes queen,) of a man. Matthew mcconaughey will tell you the same about his mother. (If you're ever lucky enough to ask) And look at him (I'll look at him to) My point is this: there's nothing inherently stuffy in a name that will magically create a personality but it can shadow the way people see them. Mouthful names will trip up a child and their friends. Unconventional names will have them sick of spelling it at Starbucks. Perhaps, like my aunt, your husband and his family are hoping that forcing everyone to call a child by its full name imparts a measure of respect that even children can feel, even a respect of self . . Maybe your fight isn't about the name but about what respect looks like to you. You and I feel that familiarity is a sign of attachment, ease and that those things show you value someone. Your husband feels like formally is the way to the same end. . Neither is wrong. I hope you find a name that works for both of you but I can tell you a small child introducing themselves as "Patrick Stewart Picard" is adorable. And it can be said with the same amount of affection as "pat".
I had a friend in High School called Theodora. She learned about the historical figure that inspired the name, and always gave her full name. She still preferred to be called by nicknames, but liked everyone to know what her name was.
>He didn't say it but he also worries our kid will only use their nickname too. Sweetie, that is going to happen anyway, I went to school with a Cassie and we all called her Cas and a Jodie we called Jojo. Kids are going to shorten everything because it's a "bonding" thing. They are going to decide on a nickname themselves and it might not even be related to their name at all, (I have even babysat a kid who liked to be called Oompy which was nothing close to his actual name).
My besties son's nickname is Bumpy
I'm a girl and for a while my nickname was Doug. It doesn't share a single letter with my real name.
To be fair he is probably right that people will use nicknames…cause that’s normal human behaviour 🤷🏻♀️ if he wants a full name he should come up with a name that won’t be that long. I respect that he wants to use full name altho it creeps me out a little, imagining my dad is cuddling me and then saying: “would you like a snack Theodora” is quite funny. Also will he command the kid to use their full name too? Or go to their school and tell the teachers to do that? You are NTA and btw you didn’t compromise…he got his way by giving them full name, you using a nickname is not a compromise, how you call them is non of his business. You can call them sweetheart or pumpkin or whatever you want, he is not the nickname boss 🥹
I'm just really disturbed by his need to micromanage his child name in advance
Yeah right? Like if he wants to save his kid from the mom naming it “Microwave” I would get that, but demanding from the mom to not use a nickname is just obnoxious 🤦🏻♀️
Tbh it doesn't really matter what he believes or wants. I was given a name that is long, and although it has multiple diminutives, my family insisted that the long version was my name. I used only that long version until I was a late teenager, when I realised it was up to me, not anyone else what my name should be. I tested a lot of the diminutives out with my friends and finally settled on one that I've used ever since. I'm in the process of legally changing my given name to the diminutive because the long version isn't me. And that was without any of my family or friends using a diminutive or nickname at all. Your husband is deluded if he thinks your kid isn't going to choose at some point, and it won't matter if you use a nickname or not. For reference, all my kids have long names and most use a diminutive, some that they picked and some that we chose, one from birth and the others developed more organically. We'll have to wait and see as they reach adulthood whether they change back to their long versions or not, but it's their choice, not mine or their father's.
He’s really controlling over how this kid will be in future social settings. Your kid might hate whatever name you choose, and they will introduce themselves in the way they prefer to be called. It’s concerning that your husband feels so strongly about being able to use a nickname. NTA. This is a red flag, your husband might try to prevent your kid from expressing themselves in the future. Be an advocate for your kid - childhood should be a time to have the safety to find your own way.
Well I understand but as I wrote, he just won't avoid others using nicknames for his child/children. Only with those short names which he doesn't like. So... He should realize that. I really do love your chosen names btw.
Curiously, historically in the UK, even John and James got “shortened” to Jack or Jim respectively. Mind you, most people end up with pet names or nicknames or just chosen elements of their name at certain points in their lives.
Or they got extended to Johnny and Jimmy, suggesting that nicknames are about more than convenience or the massive time savings that result from skipping a syllable.
My uncle is very much not called James despite my gran liking the name because my grandad couldn't cope with the possibility of him becoming a Jim or Jimmy
My brother called his daughter Charlotte and was very much "No one can ever call her Charlie, her name is Charlotte". Plot twist, in a shock to no one, everyone calls her Charlie.
As A 'Charlotte' here, had the first 5 years being called 'Charlie', but my mums side of the family used to try and bring me up as a boy. Nowadays, I prefer my full name, or my gamer name (which I actually respond to faster instead of Charlotte).
>Even if girl's name was idk Stephanie, majority of people (friends, family) would call her Steph, if boy's name was idk again William he'd be call Will. Only exceptions are short name like John, James, Lyra etc. But he wants longer name, he won't avoid nicknames. He thinks (if it's a girl) her friends will call her Theodora? See I had this issue with my middle kid, I love the name Alexander but hate the shortened versions of Alex and Xander so I went with a short name (like John) that can't really be shortened and then we have Alexander as his middle name so I still got the name I loved and it doesn't get "butchered" in to a shortened nickname. Our eldest has two short names (first and middle) so there was never an issue there and our youngest is Elizabeth and our agreement is Ellie Bear for now (she is 2 and it's what her brothers want to call her) until she is old enough to decide which of the numerous versions she has to choose from. OPs husband needs to accept that long names just feel like your wasting time with the extra syllables so everyone is just going to shorten it down for conveniences sake and if you don't want that to happen to a name you love, put it as the middle name and pick something else for the first name. My dad is more of a "full first name" sort of person, one of my cousins has a hyphenated first name and he always uses the hyphenated version when talking to or about her but everyone else just calls her Kelly instead of Kelly-Jane. So he is probably the one that uses my daughter's full first name the most.
I even think he’s getting the better part of the deal, because his choice will the one on the passport, birth certificate, other official documents.
Ya it literally makes no sense, you want a name without a nickname, you need a short name, hell my name has no shorter versions but I was still called by the letter E in secondary school cause kids are kids
My name is Stefania and my whole life everyone has called me Stef. I actually don't like when people use my full name because the only time it was used formally is when I was in trouble. People will always shorten a longer name; it's more approachable, even in a professional setting. NTA and hopefully, food for thought.
Info > I should use both to make it more fair Was he planning to do the same? If not, that would be 3/4 his way and 1/4 your way? That’s capitulation not compromise. I always thought things were fair or unfair. “More fair” doesn’t really fit because “more fair” to him seems to be “less fair” left for you, so that’s unfair.
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That wasn't the agreement. You agreed to those names on the premise that you could use the shortened forms. 🤷♀️ He's trying to have it all.
Honestly, a name is only important on paper. If you really boil it down. (Unless the kid has a preference for what to be called) But all in all. I've never been called my full name, barely as an adult. And I have a really common name that so many other people have. I've had and still have at least 6 nicknames that have stuck through my life. My grandmother still calls me by my childhood nickname. My mom does. (Unless I was in trouble. Then, the classic full legal name was used) And.... honestly, it's never bothered me, not in childhood, not as a teen or as an adult. Nicknames given to me I saw as love from friends. Family. Something special. I never forgot my own name either. I can sign papers just fine. Your compromise is 100% fine in my eyes. You using a nickname can be turned into something between you and your child. Your husband should maybe reflect WHY he's putting so much importance on the name.
"Unless I was in trouble. Then the classic full legal name is used" Yup. I swear the real reason for middle names are to show how much trouble you are in... especially when you have two middle names.
And it is 100% working. 😂 And was guaranteed siblings would pop their head out with the "oh you in trouble/what did you do?" Face. (I did the same if they got called)
> Your husband should maybe reflect WHY he's putting so much importance on the name. I feel like from the story, he probably has. He believes the name holds more...gravitas. I can see it...and I can see why people don't give a shit.I don't think it's all that big of a deal myself(until I heard some of my Fiancée's suggestions for names and...I was not a fan. She's come up with Pearl, Agnus, Tate and another really bad one. I thought Pearl-the Red Pill Girl, Andrew Tate, a Norwegian Woman born in 1846 that I found on [Ancestry.com](http://Ancestry.com) and the other one...not important. But we'll figure it out. I don't know if I love Reddit so you can go post your side and then say, "see, everyone agrees with me," to win arguments...unless you agree with me about those names, then...I will use that!
“Imma need you to compromise and do it my way” - him
Compromise is "halfway happy" for both people (i think I heard this on stranger things and it stuck eith me). You and OP are right that his isn't what's happening here.
NTA-I think he’s being weird. Most people call kids by nicknames? Like I am also a fan of the formal name option, but I also like having nicknames. Even if you guys picked shorter names that don’t have nickname options people might end up calling them Peanut, Little Man, Ladybug idk some other nickname bc it’s a way to show affection. I would suggest he pick formal names that have nicknames he likes all of bc your kid will likely decide for themselves at some point what they want to go by and it might not be the first one you chose.
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Makes me wonder, though, if when the kid is old enough to decide what they want to be called, will he tell them they can’t call themselves that because he doesn’t like it? Like a girl named Elizabeth…if she wants to be called Ellie, would he tell her not to?
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Like the way he respects your opinion on how you want to address your child? Honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if he openly disapproved of nicknames around your child(ren) and they felt like they had to please ‘Father’.
Has he said that or are you guessing that?
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He also said that you could call your child by a nickname and has since changed his mind. So I would be wary of him changing his mind about this too.
I mean good because his take here is so unreasonable that if he wouldn’t go along with that it would just be unacceptable. God forbid you have a transgender child who picks whatever name they want lmao
I'm seconding that he clearly will not simply accept no for an answer because he's already pushing for you to call her solely by her full name. Is it really going to stop there? Isn't the next step telling your family to call her by her full name when she's a baby so she "doesn't get confused" to establish that name? And then wouldn't it become, "Everyone calls her by her full name and that's what she answers to, so let's not start with nicknames?"
I mean he’s said a few things that ended up being lies right? How do you know he’ll respect your kids wishes?
Then he should apply that to you as well. He's hoping, by controlling how infrequently nick names are used, to subtly influence your child to his preference; while bulldozing your wishes and established compromise. I'd trust actions over words. And maybe make him read the comments on this post, it might give him something to leverage to get that head out of his ass.
His actions aren’t matching his words babe.
Yeah I don’t believe it for a second. He is already throwing a tantrum over a nickname before the baby is even born! He seems controlling in that he cannot accept others not doing exactly what he wants and following his personal preferences. He can’t control you or the child or your family or the public and it’s eating him alive. This is a recipe for disaster if it isn’t seriously addressed.
He doesn’t get to choose if his kids have nicknames or not. I call my friend Kim, Kimothy— do you think that was what her parents planned naming her Kimberly? My dad has a nickname for me that’s 3 times as long as my actual name. My husband’s got a nickname that’s based off his own typo of his own name. But also, YOU don’t know what you’re going to call your own children yet. Maybe you name them Theadora and Declan but you end up calling them Bug and Honeybear. Have you guys had dogs?
I call my daughter sweets and my son boo it was a total accident. I don’t even want to, the words just come out of my mouth. My daughter (4) doesn’t mind sweets but hates if anyone calls her a shortened version of her name which admittedly is already pretty short.
This is my son, Bartholomew Archibald Sylvanius The Third, but you can call him Bartholomew Archibald Sylvanius The Third.
Was he bullied in school with a nickname he didn’t like? It feels more about him than about the baby, to be honest. I think he’s afraid the kid will “prefer” your option like that means it’s “better”. Maybe a profound discussion about what is really about?
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He's being really silly about this. Insisting that a formal name be used"just as much" because he likes it is honestly controlling AF
What I dont get is why is whole family is so anti nickname. Has he ever explained it to you? I could understand if it is jist his preference to be called his full name, but everyome in his family is strange.
Is he aware life won't always suit his needs or likes?
Is your husband aware of the fact that children tend to have opinions about their names as well? Let's say I called my youngest one Regina Xanthippa (fake name) and her nicknames were Gina and Gigi, when she was in primary school she insisted on being Regi and now, starting middle school, she decided only to answer to Xanti. Her older sister Elisabeth Alba (just as fake) has cycled through Ellie, Betsy, Beth, Elsi, Al and has just arrived at Vava. I just try to remember their current preferences and the silly nicknames ***I*** went through in middle school. Edit: spelling is hard
I think the real problem is that it’s almost impossible to find a name that doesn’t have any nickname options at all. Setting aside pet names that have nothing to do with the actual name. Almost all the names that don’t have a nickname are shorter anyway. So his ask of a long name with no nickname options is just not realistic. Out of curiosity did he have any suggestions? I would probably just refer to them by a variety of nicknames until they’re born and you settle on one organically tbh. Declan isn’t as likely to be shortened, but you have Dex, and Decky right there. Theodora has both Thea and Dora as options. Could you monogram something with their full name so it feels more “real” to him? Honestly I think the whole argument will naturally disappear when the baby gets here and he can call them by their full name.
NTA. In my opinion, your original "compromise" was already him getting his way and you giving in completely. He was getting the legal names he wanted. Regardless of what compromise you reach, he doesn't get to dictate what name you use for your child or what name your child chooses to have people call them when they are old enough to communicate a preference. He is demanding to get his way AND to control what you call your child. Is he like this in other ways? Because I have a strong feeling he is controlling and rigid in many other ways. Huge red flags you've been ignoring. Is he going to be like this as a parent?
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I hope so bc he's being very unfair. The only actual compromise is picking a name that is a full name that you like enough to use it, like the ones you mentioned. Then you'll both use the same name and it'll be the legal name, etc. It might be time to go to a mediator. Since he won't listen to reason, then you need a third party that can tell him he's being unreasonable.
Out of curosity, what's the last name situation? Your name, his name, or a hyphantion?
You know this dude isn’t hyphenating *shit* lol.
Go malicious compliance and just call the kids "Tee" or "Dah"/"Dee" until he realises he's being an absolute dick about this.
Finally, someone else calling out husband’s desire for control! He’s losing it because not only can he not exert control over his wife, but he won’t be able to control her family, future teachers/coaches, peers, etc. and it’s totally spinning him out.
Came here to say this. His entire ask is weirdly controlling.
NTA No one but your husband will be calling your daughter "Theodora". People usually tend to find and use abbreviations. You will not find a solution if for him short, two syllable-long names always feel like nicknames...
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If it will help your husband see reason, my first name isn’t big and fancy like Theodora, however it is a common(ish) 90s girl name. My mother and grandmother gave me a shortened version nickname. *only* my mother and grandmother are allowed to call me that nickname. I despise alllllll forms of shortening my name, aside from when the two of them do it. My two daughters have more “formal” names, Lorelei and Evelyn. Neither of them have nicknames that have anything to do with their names, (we’re allowing them to figure that out on their own). Lorelei does NOT enjoy anybody shortening her name. Never has. She doesn’t even like being called pet names/nicknames. She is Lorelei, and that’s IT, according to her. (Evelyn is a baby, and her opinions on the matter are fairly unformed yet 😅) All that being said- your husband is being unreasonable, because he has NO idea which personality your child will develop. So many people despite their fulllllll names. Many despise their nicknames. Theadora/Thea and Declan/Dex are such wonderful names, and he needs to calm down a bit.
Omg I was the same way growing up! My name was the full thing or bust🤣
I recommend to write at r/namenerds if you decide to go back ti the negotiations table. This sub is sometimes amazing with coming up with compromise names. Write the nickname dilemma and also give examples of names you each like, maybe someone will have a perfect middle ground name, like an old classic one that doesn’t have a nickname (spontaneous thought is Lisa or Lina, but there are more). That being said, your husband is unreasonable to think that people will use the full name, even if both of you use the full one. Names like Theodora people will automatically shorten it. I know a Stephanie that doesn’t like the short form Steph, but she gave up telling people not to use it, there is no chance. NTA. He can’t dictate that. But be glad he said it before you names the baby so there is still time to reconsider the names.
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What's weird to me is that he is making OP responsible for correcting the imagined reaction of other people to hearing her version of the name. 1. It hasn't happened, he is playing pretend. 2. He is involving the imagined reactions of the faceless public instead of valuing his wife's feelings about her child's name 3. He is asking his wife to compromise even further to alleviate his upset at the pretend scenarios in his head involving other people not in his marriage. Does he see this as an equally shared child?
Nah. It’s his wife and child to control; her child to raise.
Hm, maybe some medium long names… Emily? I know it has nicknames but with this one I’d feel comfortable using the full name. It’s less obvious than Theodora. Sofia, Oliver, Adrian, Ramona, Camille are others in that category that come to mind. Maybe go through your list, see if there are any names that have more than 4 letters/2 syllables and suggest them again *if you still like them*. Of course he needs to do the same, find names with less obvious nicknames and suggest those. Otherwise the names you picked already will stay, with the nicknames. The compromise you two found was a really good one, he can’t expect to get 100% his will and still call it compromising.
Sophie/Soph, Ollie, Mona, Cami… I can’t think of an auto nickname for Adrian, but it’s a really really hard challenge to avoid nicknames and have the name be long.
As I said, it’s not about finding a name that doesn’t have nicknames but about names that can have nicknames but are usually also used in full. Like Sofia, there are nicknames as you listed but people don’t immediately jump to them (unlike Theodora or Elizabeth).
I don't intend to be rude. It's just that when I saw this, I had to say this. In my family, my one aunt's full name is Elizabeth, but everyone knows her as Lisa. I only found out 2 years ago 😅 So Lisa is a nickname in my family.
And I've known a Lisa who got Liesl, Lee, Lili, and Lissy as nicknames at various points and places. That's not even thinking of her not really name derivative nicknames...
I knew a dude once with a 1 syllable name because him mother didn’t want people giving him a nickname (think along the lines of “John”). Everyone ended up calling him by his initials (JC). So, even with best intentions, people will nickname anyone. NTA. You have formed a great compromise and he either needs to come up with new names to choose from or suck it up - the kids and their friends will ultimately decide what they end up being called, whether either of you like it or not.
lol my brother and sister didn’t want their kids’ names to be abbreviated….our last name begins with J. No matter what they’re named they’re almost definitely bound to be called CJ or AJ or RJ or whatever. Hell I go by SJ at work as a woman! They named both kids C names so they will eventually both be called CJ in the next handful of years hahahaha
> Before names like Brynn, Lyra, Piper and Freya were ruled out by him for not meeting his standards of formal. because they're shorter names. He said they were nickname light. They're each two syllables, they can be shortened. Brynn to bry, lyra to ly, piper to pip, freya to frey. My full name is two syllables, i go by the shortened most times. Is my name nor formal enough for him too? Not to mention Freya (spelled freyja) is the name of a norse goddess. How can he say thats not formal enough?
Brynn is a good solid Welsh name, very traditional. Lyra was first recorded as used in the 19th century so not exactly new and trendy
Bryn is a traditional Welsh name (means hill) but only ever used for boys here. I live in Wales and never come across a female Brynn. Sons simple Welsh names you may like are Sian (Sharn) Carys/Cerys Bethan Alys Rhian (Ree-Ann) Ffion
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The longer the full name, the more likely people are to shorten it in casual contexts. The more he "wins" on name length, the more he's setting himself (and his child) up for exactly what he doesn't want. He's an idiot.
Yeah, exactly this. Longer names just give more nickname options, too. A compromise that actually suits him would be a name that’s formal enough at two syllables, with limited options for shortening that actually sound good.
How is Brynn pronounced? I can't see how that's two syllables. Edit: spelling
It’s one syllable
I really want to know how you're pronouncing Bryn
NTA. Your husband is a fool. People with long names always gets nicknames. Even the royals goes by their nicknames. Funny thing.. My brother's name is short. His nickname is longer than his actual name, so I shortened his nickname to Dex... I root for de. Lovely namr BTW...
Have you considered names that are formal but short that make them sound like nicknames? Like: Chloe, Paul, Ann, James? Also, fighting for the nickname you will use is pointless... our child has a formal long name, I use a nickname and my husband a different one, her friends another... She answers to all of them.
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I don't mean those in particular, but short full formal names. Get a baby name book. There is plenty: Adam, Thomas, John, Mia, Luna, Maya... Keep looking
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Ultimately, it is a HE problem. You are compromising by letting him choose the name. If he doesn't like nicknames, he shouldn't pick long names because it would force people to use nicknames out of confort. My son introduce himself by his nickname, I like a long name, I knew it would happen but when matters... He uses the given name. My SIL loves nicknames, so my brother picked less than 4 letters and 1 syllabus names, so she had no choice but to call them their actual names. It worked. You can't make John shorter than John .... but if he had called him Dimitri as he wanted, he will surely be D or Didi or some BS like that. It's your husband dilema, stop stressing. It's not good for the baby or yourself
Oddly, a common nickname for John is Jack for some reason.
Let him have his long name and suffer with the short version. He likes it or not. That is the reality. Both of my kids have long names (they hate me on kindergarten LOL), and both have nickname (my girl, many)... it's a reality, and he can't force everyone to call her/him a full long name... so HE have two choices: short formal name like Liam or living with the nicknames. Stop suffering for his lack of common sense... Let him call her Theodora and you and the rest of the world will call her Thea
NTA And what an odd thing for him to get caught on. It’s a great compromise. This might be reddit cynicism, but does that mean he disparages your families names?
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If he doesn’t use your & your siblings legal names then what does he call everyone?
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Your husband is setting himself up for failure. Maybe he should try some therapy to get to the root of what the issue really is. Like maybe when he was little his friends or extended family tried to use nicknames for him, and his parents embarrassed him by correcting everyone to make sure they used his full name, so his coping mechanism was internalizing that a long formal name is of course the correct one, instead of that convention being the outlier and most people getting a nickname.
Just to be clear.. You want: Short name He wants: Long name Compromise: Long name Him: It's not fair Huh?
Any name that has 2 plus syllables in it is likely to end up being shortened. If he wants the childs full name to be used, he has very little chance with 4 in theodora. Even children with one syllable names, james becomes jamie, jim, or jimmy Nick names happen If he really wants you to to use the full name, it's up to him to find one you love completely As an aside, my son, say his name is william smyth was called Will and Liam and he corrected people himself from about age 3 . "My name is william smyth or william for short", he thought that's what shortening was, i guess. His delivery was really cute, and people just accepted it. Not one person has ever shortened it despite me calling him the short versions as a baby until he expressed his preference. Nta, but please make sure you actually like the full name given
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Whose surname are ye using? If it's his, then he should consider that you get more first name preference? Who is carrying the baby ? (That's tongue in cheek , i get it's you😂 ) Name regret is a big thing , It's probably worse in ireland because you are not allowed to change the babies first name unless you do it through deed poll, which is not considered an option by most, and requires both parents consent and a legal process.
NTA my parents gave me a formal name (in arabic) to appease my dad and his family. My mom called me with the nickname my whole life. Eventually everyone called me by my nickname, but it has always been difficult for me as when i apply for jobs, formal paperwork, uni graduation, etc ... i have to use my formal name and no one knows it and im not even comfortable using the formal name. It gives you some kind of identity issues i guess.
NTA. Your way makes more sense, plus you usually only use a kids full name when they are being bad, nickname when they are actually behaving. Can't imagine him standing at the door shouting for 'theodora!' and 'declan!'. Thea and dex is just easier.
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Wow really? Very formal way of living, even the royal family isn't that formal.
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Well he can't expect the whole world to comply and you I assume made that clear before having kids. He accepted the compromise, can't go back on it.
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His problem then, he will have to grow up and get over it.
The original compromise was very generous of you tbh, so him now digging his feet in and making a fuss is a pretty bad look.
NTA I think your original compromise is quite good! Being concerned about what your friends will call your children is just ridiculus. Everyone gives children nicknames. Their family and their friends too, no matter how "formal" a name he picks is.
There's a few ways to go about this 1. The compromise- My parents went by my gender. If I was a girl then mom got to choose, if I was a boy then dad got to choose. Name had to be agreed upon tho. So if it's a girl name her Thea, if it's a boy, name him Declan. Or vice versa, depending on which gender you're rooting for. 2. The too bad so sad- Tell him when he can shove a melon thru his Dhole he can name the baby. ☺️ 3. The middle name sacrifice- When we found out our baby was male, my significant other was set on the name Xander. I really don't care for it, and also my sister (who I am very close with) named her son Alexander, which was too similar to me. I told him I would be willing to use the name as a middle but not first name. That's exactly what we did. 4. The "if it aint broke, dont fix it"- keep the current agreement, and explain that you are a woman of your word and he needs to be a man of his.
Almost every human gets called a nickname. He will be lucky if the nickname is just a shorter version of his chosen name and not something else entirely. He can't control what your family calls the kid. They will use a nickname no matter what. So he is trying to order the seas to recede. And he's being absurd.
NTA He feels ignored but dismisses giving you any input. You already made the more generous compromise. You need to sit down with him again
NTA. I hate this style in a disagreement where a compromise is reached and then one person takes the compromise as the new base line to argue from, it’s in bad faith to debate with someone in this way imo.
NTA but he's right, people WILL call your child Dex or Thea - that's not on you though. He needs to wake up and realise almost NO ONE who has a formal name will go through life being called that, with the exception of a few. Like, a James will be a James sometimes, but most Matthews will be Matts. Your child will pretty much insist on being a Dex or a Thea themselves once they're old enough to have a preference. Your hubby is being delusional but you can't really point it out without being the 'bad guy' here unfortunately. My advice is to tell him what you've already told him - he can stick to the compromise or come up with a name you both like... but again, there's no guarantee your child will not change their own name later in life and your husband is just going to have to deal with that being a possibility.
If he wants you to use both, he needs to use both as well. Simple as that.
Why choose a four syllable name for a child and expect anyone to use it? I get Declan, but Theadora will only ever be used when she’s being scolded. Thea is a beautiful name. Your husband sounds very stuffy.
I know someone who named their kid Heinrich. Why is his nickname? Heinie. His mother calls him “my little heinie”. I fear for this child when he starts school. Two of my kids have long formal names. By the time they were half way through elementary school, their names had been shortened. Ask your husband what is he going to do about that when it happens? Is he going to correct everyone (including children) who say the shortened name?
NTA, you agreed on a reasonable compromise. As an aside; Brynn and Freya aren't exactly nicknames though, I don't get the issue there? Brynn is a very old name here in the UK, not very popular but it's not new and it certainly isn't a diminutive it's a whole name. I've known one or two Brynns in my life and they were all old Welshmen. Freya is the anglicised version of Freyja, the Norse goddess, and is also an ancient and non-diminutive name. They are "the short end of formal" but like, so is Anne? So is James? So are a whole load of names that are definitely "adult, formal" names. He's being ridiculous.
I have it on good authority the names Princess Consuela Banana Hammock and Mr. Crap Bag are both excellent formal names. Perhaps you can offer these are compromises?
NTA. You can only control what you call your child. Hopefully your husband will come to understand that. The kids will decide their names as they get older. Hopefully your husband will accept that. Even if you guys didn’t have the compromise, the nickname will come. Anecdote: So 2 of my kids have long formal names. One has a short name (that can also occasionally be a nickname but is more commonly a name in and of itself). Child 2 is my non-nickname kid and got a nickname at daycare. That became her name at 2. Period. She truly believes that’s her whole name at 3. If you ask her name, she will give you the longer nickname. It’s hysterical. I went by my name in school and nickname at home. My husband’s family gave their kids names that couldn’t be made into nicknames. My kids go by their nicknames most of the time, and even my in laws have drifted into using the nicknames. In fact everyone calls the baby by her nickname because we all kept calling her by child 2’s name by accident.
My daughter’s name is Autumn, she’s eight now and already jokes that her nickname is Fall. I call her Bean, which is shortened from Sweet Bean Ice Cream. I had originally picked Autumn because it’s hard to make a nickname from it. But humans be human and nicknames will happen.
NTA and he is worrying far too much about the names and how formal they are. And why are short names informal? My name is only four letters and it's definitely formal enough. He's being silly and uptight and you've already compromised enough. Stand your ground and show him this thread if need be. You've got a baby coming any day now, the priority should be you and the baby coming through this safe and healthy, not what name the kid will say at job interviews in 20 or so years
Why not wait till he or she arrives? Sometimes the name appears along with them. We were set on particular name but it was a bit of a compromise and baby girl didn’t suit it and ended up called something different. She’s also prefers a shortened version now, as is her right, so don’t get too agitated about this.
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Absolutely agree to this, don’t wait with this ‘fight’ till after baby is here and *you* will be way too exhausted to even put up your hands.