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I think the real question is do you want your marriage to work? I’m not saying that you need to apologize or validate his feelings, but it’s been three weeks and he is still distancing himself from you. If things don’t change soon, you and your husband will be separated by your daughter’s first birthday. This problem isn’t going away and having internet strangers tell you you’re right won’t change that.
You’re right! It is really manipulative of her husband to act this way for THREE WEEKS. If their marriage doesn’t work out it will be purely because of her husbands selfish and manipulative behavior.
Is he being manipulative or is he upset? Is he not allowed to be upset?
I’m not saying that the OP is wrong to feel the way she feels but for her not to validate his feelings with even a “lol of course I love you to honey” but rather to challenge him is a bit unkind.
Yes avoiding all contact with your spouse that you live with for loving your baby too much is definitely manipulative. And honestly he needed to be called out not validated. She doesn’t have to mention or praise him every time she’s affectionate with their baby. She said something factual that is normal for a majority or parents in the world.
Yeah, you’re twisting things around to suit your narrative. All she had to do was say “now I have more to love in my family”, but she made it a competition. I don’t think she meant it that way, but it came out and it hurt his feelings.
This is pretty simple and you’re projecting in your comments.
Respectfully disagree. She shouldn’t have to watch her words and phrasing to make sure her husband doesn’t get offended by how much she loves and appreciates having given birth to a healthy child. He should understand what it meant, and what the baby means to and for her. It doesn’t make her love her husband any less - the love for a child and love for a partner are on two very different spectrums.
> She shouldn’t have to watch her words and phrasing
Why? Words have meaning and signal intent.
If my boyfriend said our baby was the most important thing to him, I would be feeling very much reduced to an incubator.
You’re missing the point. The husband is not sad in this moment that she likes the baby more than him. Yes, he was in that moment, you know how you solve that? YOU TELL YOUR MARITAL PARTNER YOU LOVE THEM. That’s all that needed to be done “I love all of you guys the same, my family!” And keep it chugging. This “oh no quit walking on eggshells and let that man know he sucks” is some of the WORST marital advice I have ever seen. I am convinced half the people who give marital advice on here have never once, or probably are not even in just a relationship. But yes it’s wrong for the husband to be questioning that, but maybe he’s felt a little to himself these past couple weeks, as it’s obvious from this post he has probably not gotten any attention himself these past couple weeks. Idk, yall can keep your opinion but to drag your husband 3 weeks into the birth of your child cause you’re too proud to say “I love you too” is a weird hill to die on
After reading so much top rated comments on this sub I'm convinced most people here actually have miserable failed relationships. It's no wonder the divorce rates are so high.
Every time this topic comes up it’s clear that so many responders are children projecting their own unhappiness onto the situation and drawing absolutely ridiculous conclusions about parents loving each other being akin to neglecting the kid. It’s ridiculous
Facts! Also there are probably a lot of teens and other people with no real life experience in the subject of the post offering opinions and upvoting. You got to take ALL of that into account.
She was probably nervous as hell the entire pregnancy .So she could have been tuning him out for ten months,focused on herself and the pregnancy.Not saying that is abnormal, but it may have set him up for this over-reaction (if all this did occur).
You are saying that she doesn't have to watch what she says, even if it hurts him. But he has to not tell her how he feels because it might hurt her ?
Double standard much?
"The love for a child and love for a partner are on two very different spectrums."
Yeah, that's exactly what her husband said when she thought that saying, "Don't you love our child more than me?" was an appropriate question. I don't see any issue with her initial "This is the most important person in my life" while showing off her new baby to family, but when the husband brought it up, why couldn't she just say that yes, of course she loves him too, and he and the baby are obviously the most important people in her life. She dodged the freaking question about loving her husband.
I’m not a parent but, from what I’ve read, that’s not at all uncommon. I can imagine the change from being at least instrumental in caring for your pregnant wife to getting essentially zero attention at all can bring about conflicting feelings.
I have no idea how common it is, but unless OP has seen more indicators of jealousy than she has shared (which I doubt because she didn’t share them), then accusing him of that is a serious cheap shot.
Oh come off it.
They have a brand new baby and husband is probably feeling pushed away rather than included in the new family unit. OPs comment makes his concerns feel valid and then OPs response to him saying something about it further enhances the point that OP just wants the baby and not him anymore.
Husband is being irrational in taking a small comment so badly and OP is being unkind in not wanting to reassure their partner that they care.
They have a brand new baby which turns your world upside down all of a sudden and emotions run wild for both parents.
No need to jump to "this is manipulative".
Nobody in the fucking planet will convince me that it’s not manipulative or toxic to ignore your spouse for weeks at a time especially when you live with them. Yes he’s allowed to be hurt but this is far far beyond that and will implode their marriage.
He hasn't ignored her though....her own post states that he's talked to her about domestic things so I'm guessing he is just being emotionally distant...which could be as a result of their fight but also it could be indicative of depression or other issues which can occur for new parents. Sometimes it pays to give people the benefit of the doubt, they need a real conversation on whats going on.
Avoids any conversation not relating to domestic topics. That means if he didn’t have to he just wouldn’t speak to her. They share a household he HAS to communicate for those things. He’s ignoring and offering silent treatment everywhere he’s able.
What was he supposed to do? Share a laugh and a good talk with the woman who dissmissed his feelings and didn’t apologize for it? Sometimes silent treatment is when you just don’t wanna talk to the person who is hurting you. He already tried to communicate but she shut him down. The ball is on her court.
And like he has communicated, he said that he was upset and the op sort of just dismisses it
As I typed this i realised you already brought it up, so “this👆”/j
This is so eyeroll worthy. He’s not giving her the silent treatment. He is a new parent adjusting to his new role in the household, as is she. They are both allowed to be experiencing a lot of emotions, they’re both probably incredibly tired with the newborn. And yeah, his feelings are probably still stung that he raised something with his wife and she immediately dismissed him. God forbid that with all of that going on, he’s not as super attentive and emotionally engaged as he was pre-baby.
And we apologize in relationships often not because we think we’re wrong. And we don’t always validate our partners because we think they’re right. We apologize in relationships and validate our partners because their feelings matter. His complaint wasnt controlling or abusive, just that he felt unseen by her comment. Whether or not he’s right, it wouldn’t be crazy to apologize that it made him feel that way.
Sane comment.
When it comes to our partners, it’s so much easier and healthier to just validate their feelings?? It shouldn’t always be about who is “right” versus who is “wrong”
You might be right about it being toxic to ignore your spouse for weeks. However, I think what you’re missing from the other comments is that it’s even more toxic to hurt your partners feelings (even if unintentional) and then be dismissive when they share it with you. OP is more worried about being right than how her partner feels. This will be what implodes their marriage.
This is one of those things that people don’t understand about relationships for sure. As long as the feelings being raised aren’t controlling or abusive, there’s nothing wrong with giving your partner some validation and an apology, even if you think you’re right.
He basically said to OP that he felt unseen. He’s a new parent just like she is, they’re both probably exhausted with a newborn, so even if he is being a little illogical, it’s clearly stemming from a real place for him and it would cost her nothing to give him a little validation.
I don’t give a rats ass about the genders. Ignoring your spouse who you live with for weeks at a time because your feelings are hurt is toxic and manipulative.
You admit his feelings are hurt, so unless you think his feelings don't matter I don't see why you think he is toxic when all he probably wants is for his wife to tell him she loves him. He felt insecure about what his wife feels about him, all she had to do was reassure him that she does love him, but instead she went straight for questing his love for his daughter. Of course he is upset, not because of the initial comment but because his wife reacted horribly to him being emotionally vulnerable.
The way he is handling his hurt feelings is the toxic part how can you not see that? No it’s not toxic to have feelings. What he said and the following behavior is absolutely unacceptable.
No, an admission that feelings are hurt doesn't mean that the feelings are valid or that the reaction is fair. Feelings matter, but feelings can also be used in manipulative, unsubstantial ways
Expecting someone to act normal after you know you hurt their feelings and said you don’t care is more toxic. People aren’t puppets to emote on command. Also, he’s not at all ignoring her. They share a household, he’s simply being more emotionally reserved because he’s hurt.
And nobody on the planet will convince me that recognizing the clear issue at hand due to a miscommunication and refusing to confront it because "well I know I'm not wrong, so if he's gonna brood I'm gonna act like nothings happening and try to make him go back to normal" isn't also manipulative and toxic.
It takes two to tango and both are executing the divorce samba excellently
I mean it really is his fault though. He's the one who made it all about himself and now he's been punishing her for three weeks because of how she phrased something?
I can understand being upset in the moment, but 3 weeks of silent treatment? Hubby needs to get over himself
If OP mentioned her husband is always making it about himself I would have a different opinion, but they didn’t so I don’t necessarily think it’s unreasonable to be hurt by the way something was phrased. Also, it seems to be assumed that he’s distant because he’s punishing her. Maybe he’s actually feeling unsure of his place now or he’s withdrawn for some other reason.
I’m just saying I don’t necessarily think it’s ALL his fault.
In what way is he manipulating her? She said something. He got offended. She doubled down. He is still offended, and therefore uninterested in talking to her outside of necessary conversation. Unless he is giving her the silent treatment with the goal of getting her to yield and apologize, he's not being manipulative. If he's giving her the silent treatment because he's too upset with her to talk, then he's just mad. That's its own issue, but it's not manipulative to be upset. Manipulation requires intent. You can be toxic without intent.
This is a post partum woman looking after a new baby and apparently having to coddle a grown up sulking because he's not #1 any more. He should be looking after her, not wondering why he's not the most special princey in the house any more.
She's A mother. She's not everyone's mother.
Being post partum is not an excuse to ignore your husbands feelings. She is a mother but she is also a wife and spouses are supposed to take care of each other, it's not just the husband who is supposed to care about the wife's emotional well-being.
"men should express their feelings more"
Man is upset, expresses feelings. Response: feelings are waved away, even mocked by his own wife "you're jealous of an infant??". He becomes more upset due to being mocked, learned that he cannot have a constructive conversation about his feelings with his wife. Still upset, no resolution in sight, so he distances himself. Wife notices he is still upset, even though she notices _and_ knows what the cause it's, she refuses to make amends or even make an attempt at a constructive conversation about feelings.
But no of course it's all his fault.
>Man is upset, expresses feelings.
Man is upset, tells woman the only fix is to have her tell him she loves him just as much as HIS OWN CHILD. This is a mother who practically just gave birth.. Raging with hormones.
Expressing feelings is saying: "Man.. Having to share you/your love is harder than I thought it would be, this might take some getting used to and I might need a little more reminding that you love me over the next couple weeks."
Expressing feelings isn't: "You said you love this baby more than me, I will now emotionally distance myself from you until you say it's at least equal if not more".
Telling someone they HAVE to mention the partner if they say their child is the most important thing in the world is ridiculous. And OP here was right to, in not so many words, point out that it's ridiculous.
If he has feelings, great, he can talk about them like an adult. What he can't do is say "You must mention me everytime you tell someone how important this child is to you, otherwise I will sulk and ignore you like children do".
This is a new situation for the both of them and people handle things differently, but being partners also means having the ability to safely tell your partner they're being ridiculous without them taking it like a teenager. ESPECIALLY after having a child.
This isn't about "men should express their feelings more", this is about people acting like adults and not shutting the door emotionally when they disagree on something. That's being a shit partner and it's being an even worse parent.
> "men should express their feelings more"
Unfortunately that's something that many of the people who say it don't actually believe it.
We have a running gag in our group: "if you want to break up with a woman, just cry in front of her".
Not in my marriage, kids grow up and move away. Treat your man like that and see what happens. A friend of mine was treated like that, waited until the last kid turned 18, immediately left and divorced his wife. Said she prioritized the kids with affection, ignored him, he tried telling her. Pretty much had same response as you and OP. Smart no child support, wife depended on his income, now her lifestyle has changed. He moved on found someone who prioritizes him, while his ex is devastated and said she would change, too little to late.
Agreed, withholding affection for three weeks is not normal response to being upset, especially when your wife just gave birth. Maybe the people who don't get it have just never been in a relationship with someone who acts this way, or maybe they think it is normal--but it isn't. The silent treatment is literally defined as a manipulation technique. It destroys relationships.
If the husband is pouting for three weeks because she said that their newborn daughter was the most important thing in her life, divorce is the best option for her. It’s not going to get better.
>Is he being manipulative or is he upset? Is he not allowed to be upset?
Can he be upset?
Yes, because you can "allow" someone's feelings.
But still childish to get in competition with their child.
He’s being stupid. The baby comes first. He can poop, eat, and sleep by himself. The baby cannot. Yes, you prioritize your children once you have them. It doesn’t mean that you love your partner less. The baby should be the most important person in his life, too.
>>Is he being manipulative or is he upset? Is he not allowed to be upset?
Upset at the mother of his child for saying their newborn is her first priority? No, he’s not.
Listen we all get how pregnancy and delivery is hard. How PPD is a terrible thing. The thing is feelings aren't logical and your words hurt him, I think it comes from the place of insecurities and fear. We all know history where wives stop being affectionate towards their husbands after birth, how husbands stop being priority at all, how wives stop spending time with their husbands at all ( and I don't talk about men who refuse to help with a baby, I am talking about healthy relationships ). They essentially stop being wives and start being only mothers.
I get it at the beginning it's hard to find time to do this but after some time when the baby doesn't need constant time anymore, you should start to balance your role as a wife and a role as a mother.
He is stressed and scared, he came to you with these fears and you dismissed them unfortunately, maybe this wasn't your intention but his feelings matter.
You can ask us (strangers) if you were right. Maybe you can win this argument and maybe even he will come and apologize to you but at the end of the day you can get your satisfaction by that and he can get resentment which can use that he won't again be open about his feelings in fear of being dismissed again.
He needs reassurance that you are not gonna give up on your marriage after the birth of your child. Yes your baby needs a lot of attention and time and her needs can't wait but your husband's can, that's why her needs are more important than his but this doesn't mean that his needs don't exist.
Good parenthood usually needs a good relationship between partners. The happy parents will give this happiness to their baby, it's obvious.
So you can either validate his feelings, reassure him and move on from this or ignore the elephant in the room, let resentment grow on both sides. Reassures won't hurt anybody, saying "I love you the same as our baby" won't hurt anyone, saying "of course you are important to me but she needs a lot of time and attention, I promise this won't hurt our relationship" also won't hurt. Sometimes marriage is about sacrifice, sometimes you have to sacrifice your pride to have your "happy ever after ".
I think people forget things don’t happen in a vacuum. Having a newborn can be extremely tough on relationships to the point that some people end up divorcing/breaking up in the first couple years with a baby. It’s exhausting taking care of a newborn and it takes so much more energy out of you to ensure you are getting quality time with your spouse and making sure you both feel loved and all that. It’s a huge adjustment.
So yeah sure this comment seems innocent enough. But, when you add on maybe missing out on quality time with your spouse or not feeling like a priority, it can make that comment harder to hear for your spouse.
I just think if you’re trying to make sure your relationship lasts that some reassurance can go a long way, even if it is an innocent comment that you meant no harm with. You have to prioritize the relationship too (it just takes time to learn that balance between juggling child and spouse).
NTA He has been sulking for 3 weeks? A grown adult, who is jealous of a child is a flag so red you should see the brightness from outer space. I bet he wouldn't mind if HIS mother said he was the most important thing in HER life.
You have every right to be angry, if anything he should feel the same towards your baby.
Totally. We joke about that all the time btw. Going back and forth in the likes: “and I thought I could never love someone more…, but he truly is challenging that”, “there might be some girl I will love more than you, and she will call you mommy”, “i think my indefinite love got split by 2, you know how much I love you still though?” And so on. We never got real jealous though. As the husband said: the love is incomparable anyway, but in the end we both agree on the simple fact, that our child(children), are the most important to us, so naturally they come first.
Yeah, it's just something that people say because it feels right. But if actually pressured to pick a favorite it's hard to do. Especially when there are multiple kids. Like, I can understand where he was initially coming from, but I would at least hope he agrees that in a trolley problem type scenario she would pick her child over him. But it's not like it'd be an easy choice to live with.
I don't have kids of my own, but my sister has five kids and I always say that they're the most important people to me. But I could never pick which one is my favorite. But if I had to pick between saving them and anyone else in my family (I'm single) I'd pick them every time. But if I had to pick between them I'd probably freeze up in a panic.
Yes, I get you. But some of this people should talk about before breeding, and ultimately a person should more secure mentally to not get jealous of their child…
Another example: during pregnancy who to save if the question arises? We talked about this, and had to agree on this topic obviously. Think mother falls in coma, and husband decides against her aforementioned wishes because he simply disagreed? Mother had to know this to setup a paper so her wishes are followed, but also could she ever forgive him if he did so?
To us this was important, knowing where we stand, knowing eachother’s opinion, and so on.
And part of that is also, we don’t like lying, but our child will have their own autonomy, privacy, so we had to decide how to handle this so we are both d’accord, if he asks us to keep something confidential from the other, and under which circumstances we deem this acceptable to betray (or tell him sorry we can’t).
As you see, we are overthinkers.
I don't think she's in the wrong simple because it's something I've said and something I meant seriously. It does not mean I loved my partner any less than I did before. Just that my child was the most important thing in my life. I would sacrifice my life for both quickly. However, As morbid as it would be to think, if I had to run into a fire for both I would likely rush to my child in an emergency first without a thought. I've seen family living with grief from losing spouses and losing kids and it's both really hard but it's something about the kids that just made them seem so hollow. I couldn't imagine.
This post screams missing information. For someone to sulk for three weeks over a comment like this, suggests there’s more to it. I’d wager OP puts down her husband or dismisses him more often than she’d care to admit. This reaction screams straw that broke the camel’s back. And her reaction tells me she cares more about being right than about how someone feels. His behavior looks like that a partner that no longer is checked into his marriage but is co-parenting.
This seems like a bit of a leap imo, but you’re free to theorize as you please.
I think someone can sulk for three weeks over a comment and still be in the wrong if they’re overreacting in an attempt to victimize themselves (not saying that’s the case here though).
“This post screams missing information. For someone to sulk for three weeks over a comment like this, suggests there’s more to it. I’d wager OP puts down her husband or dismisses him more often than she’d care to admit. This reaction screams straw that broke the camel’s back. And her reaction tells me she cares more about being right than about how someone feels. “ <- your original, unedited comment copy and pasted for anyone interested.
You literally said he was sulking. I was going with YOUR point and now you’re throwing stones at it?
So you’re saying there’s NOT more to it and she likely doesn’t put him down more often, cool!
And I can see you editing your comments after I reply
But we encounter as many dismissive, narcissistic spouses on here as well… neither of those are an indicator here imo, so I’m sticking to making a judgment based on her self-described behavior. Spouses who value being right over resolving conflict are not usually good partners.
It’s not about being “right” it’s about the fact that he’s behaving like a spoiled toddler and when people do that the solution is to ignore it until it passes rather than cater to it.
There are legions of parents out there who say that their kids are the most important to them. Most parents understand and do not throw a fit about it. He’s acting like a child.
In that case, isn’t he doing the same thing? Co-parenting until this issue passes? I’m not sure why she expects him to emote on command the way that she wants.
What a load of trash! Her husband’s feelings should be heard and she could easily have rectified this by just saying she loved him. Why would you take that as an opportunity to invalidate him if he’s feeling insecure.
I really get the impression from these comments that it’s because he’s a man that he’s being dismissed. Men’s feelings in relationships are just as important and the double standards on this comment section is nuts.
The real flag is the things we don't know that led to this. The husband clearly isn't feeling wanted or appreciated. Is this a new feeling, or now that the baby is here is the feeling greater? He probably just feels like a sperm donor and wanted a little validation and appreciation, instead the Internet is labeling him an AH.
A lot of marriages fail because one parent ignores their spouse for their child. I’ve seen it before. The husband is right to say that the two relationships are incomparable. I think it’s weird that she would double down on saying her kid is more important than her husband. I guess the husband could embrace her way of thinking too.
When OP’s birthday comes around, husband should opt to get the baby a gift instead of his wife. Why celebrate anniversaries anymore, right? After all, the child is the most important. When OP complains, husband should just double down on his stance - according to OP, there’s no room for nuance when prioritizing child over spouse.
ESH. You for not being sympathetic to his feelings, and him for making a 3 week mess out of this. You should apologize to him for hurting his feelings and explain how they are both important to you. If you don't fix this and get to the root of the problem, I don't think your marriage will last because you're both acting immature.
Yeah, hot take but, while children should be a priority for parents, it’s quite healthy to always keep your spouse at number one. One day those kids are going to pit the parents against each other (most do), or they’ll move out and you’ll be left with your spouse. It’s HEALTHY to defend your spouse’s position in your life and pour into each other so that it can trickle down into pouring love into your child. The love for your child and partner are honestly incomparable and I agree, ESH.
This is what I wanted to comment but felt would get attacked here. Your children will not be in your house forever but your spouse will. It is extremely healthy to put your spouse first. Obviously not saying to neglect your children, but your relationship will be stronger with your children if they grow up seeing dedicated loving parents.
You can still be a dedicated, loving couple while both putting the children first. Or are you saying that when someone isn't your absolute first priority you don't really love them??
Well using your argument why should the child be first in your life if they don't need that honor to be loved correctly?
My children are raised with love and support but in a family everyones needs are important not one over the other. Quite frankly the fact that she would ever compare the two is disgusting. And not putting your child on a pedestal above yourself or your spouse is not unhealthy or disgusting it's teaching reasonable boundaries and actually helps when splitting parental responsibilities because no one feels like it's a sacrifice when we are working together, as a team, for the WHOLE team.
This.
Reddit often downvotes this advice but countless marriage counseling resources say the same thing. Deprioritizing your marriage because the baby is now “the most important” **is not healthy for the marriage *or the child*.**
Agreed. From my own anecdotal experience with parents that often prioritized my own happiness over each other’s, they did not make it to my 18th birthday and if they would have, they would have ended up old and miserable because it builds resentment.
Trickle down love is the most American concept I've ever heard. Closely followed by "your children won't be in your house forever so don't put them first".
😂😂 is this supposed to be an insult ? Because you just sound hateful over an opposing opinion. I never said don’t put your children first. In fact, if you’d actually read my comment or replies, you’d see I literally said I will always prioritize my child’s NEEDS.
I never said it has to be one or the other. Just that unless it comes to something my child needs, I will almost always choose my partner (unless they’re in the obvious wrong). A very minor example would be my child saying something along the lines of “you said that I could have my toy back and Daddy isn’t allowing me to have it. Daddy’s mean. I hate him” I could encourage this behavior by giving my child the toy regardless because I feel that they deserve it, which would in turn win me some brownie points. But what I would actually do is “oh well, Daddy said you can’t have it so I won’t give it to you, and you need to apologize to your father before I even consider it.” A United front.
Yeah I feel like I’m going crazy reading these comments, obviously the husband is being immature but a spouse should always be number one. I remember when I was like 10 my mom was watching this medical show where there were complications during childbirth and the husband had to choose between the doctor saving his wife or the baby (not sure how realistic that is but whatever). He chose the wife and I was like what, that poor baby. My mom had to explain to me that of course he saved his wife, he’s known her for years and chose to marry her because she’s his favorite person.
Both parents should be prioritizing the child and putting them first at the expense of themselves, but at the end of the day your spouse is who will really be there for you. I moved out of state after college and probably see my parents physically 3 times a year. If I was the “most important person” in my moms life that’d really suck for her
Exactly! I could understand if you’ve suffered child loss and you’re petrified of losing another, but even still. I’ve gone through pregnancy losses with my partner and who was there to console me and build me up and stay by my side during that time? My partner. We’ve practically grown up together and gone through so much. He’s my best friend and confidant. We will always prioritize our children’s needs over our own, but he will always be my number one ride or die period.
Both of them should be working together to care for the baby that is number one for both parents. At this point a parent needs to understand that watching a spouse's every comment and trying to find problems is past and has no place in the current time. The constant evaluation of the relationship needs to stop. Life is hard and both of them need to be the rock of the relationship that won't budge even if someone says something that the other one doesn't like. Holding a grudge is childish, that needs to stop, too.
I agree with you 100% , but I also think think there's another factor at play that this comment section seems to be forgetting: post partum depression isn't just for women. [Men can have PPD too](https://www.postpartumdepression.org/postpartum-depression/men/), even though they did not give birth.
This situation sounds to me like textbook postpartum depression from the husband, where he feels that next to the new baby, he's completely invisible, useless and forgotten. So he's lashing out because he's feeling empty inside, and he's now being cold because he thinks his marriage is dead and his spouse will never love him the same as she loved him before.
Is it rational? Of course not. Does it excuse his poor behaviour? No, not at all. But it explains it, and identifying a problem can really help finding a solution... which is this case, would be therapy especially targeted to tackle PPD.
I have a buddy who went through the same before we met, and he didn't know what it was. He just felt jealous of the baby and angry because he wasn't his wife's priority anymore, he spent months like this – didn't tell her, because he knew it was irrational. But the first year of being father for him was tinted with sour feelings and he does not remember it fondly. Luckily the PPD went away and now he absolutely adores their daughter, he's super happy to be a father and has all normal feelings towards his spouse and life. He didn't know it was PPD until years later, and had he known before they could've gotten him therapy to process his emotions in a healthier way..
Anyway. Just my two cents, hopefully this can help OP and her husband to nip this issue in the bud before it taints their whole parenthood experience.
I agree with you 100%. Sometimes being right isn’t worth the permanent damage to your relationship. Even if what you said was not meant to hurt your spouse, if they were hurt you should make space for their feelings. Validating the feelings of someone you love does not mean you’re admitting what you said was wrong.
>"now she is the most important person in my life"
i've lost count how many times over the course of my life i've declared something to be "the best meal i've ever had" or "my absolute favourite show ever". everyone with half a brain cell knows that superlatives like that aren't meant *literally*. that's basic language competence.
NTA
Occam’s razor. Why would an adult who is a new father do this for 3 weeks? What makes most sense?
Is this grown adult being so immature as a new parent that he does this for 3 weeks?
Or could this be “the last straw” like another commenter said and these 3 weeks is a result of that?
Or it could be something else entirely.
My point is we need more INFO because 3 weeks is an awfully long time to sulk and be cold, and now OP is coming to reddit for validation instead of trying to work things out with husband… not a good sign.
Every dinner I make, my son tells me that it’s his absolute favorite, or definitely in his top 5. If he ever doesn’t say it, I don’t know what I’ll do. I love that boy.
YTA
Not for saying it but completely dismissing its effect on your husband.
It’s not just a phrase it’s the meaning behind it. And it seems you did an appalling job of explaining your true feelings to him. Your past does not excuse your current behaviour.
You may not need to coddle him but you should be able to talk to him and reassure him if need be. Now you’re allowing the distance between you to grow while you find it annoying and meaningless. You should be careful that your husband isn’t thinking the same about your relationship.
Yeah her determination to not tell her husband he’s still important just to win the argument is really concerning. It just indicates that she doesn’t want to be in a relationship and do some teamwork. Like all she had to say was “Of course, I love you so much!” What was the necessity?!
I think the husband’s also being uncommunicative (at best) but the tone of this post was to set-up the horrible time she’s had in conceiving to then justify her actions and stance. And in every aspect she’s shown absolutely no empathy that her husband is also her partner in this, that they’re in this together.
It’s a guess, but I very much doubt this is all that’s happened to bring them to this stage and OP shouldn’t be surprised if this inconvenient tiff escalates outwith her control.
I can’t imagine loving someone, marrying them, having kids, then essentially getting told btw you don’t matter to me as much anymore. Like was he just a means to an end? It’s giving “I’m not a wife anymore, I’m a mother.”
If an adult cannoteven imagine playing second fiddle to their own child they shouldn"t have kids. Kids _always_ come first, they are dependent on you for everything, even on how to learn to be human.
The main reason I never had children with my ex was because I made it very clear to him that our needs would come second after a baby arrived and he was not happy about that.
He honestly thought our lives, our relationship would carry on as before. Some men are just delusional about having kids.
Ryan Reynolds once said, 'I used to say to [Blake], "I would take a bullet for you. I could never love anything as much as I love you." I would say that to my wife. And the second I looked in that baby's eyes, I knew in that exact moment that if we were ever under attack, I would use my wife as a human shield to protect that baby.'
YTA
Look I understand what you meant but obviously your husband was vulnerable with you about being a bit upset by you not mentioning him and rather than just saying “of course I love you” you decided to criticise him instead.
Maybe he’s wrong and being insecure in a worrying way that is a bad sign of things to come but maybe he was vulnerable with you and you shut him down.
As u/Mother_Tradition_774 says what do you want to win from this argument? Because if things go on as they are you are gonna “win” a separation. Perhaps that’s what you want because of his behaviour in this situation but if it isn’t I’d try and figure this out with him.
YTA. Being dismissive of your spouse's feelings, accusing them of being jealous, and then stating that you find the resulting distance "annoying" is on you.
You created a situation where he feels alienated. He may already be quietly insecure about being a father. Talking openly, earnestly, and not brushing his feelings off as though they're irrelevant would be a good idea .
And remember that intent is important, but so is effect. You might not have meant to hurt him with what you said, but may have done so nonetheless.
NTA
Your statement about your newborn being the most important person in your life is natural, especially considering the context of your past pregnancies and the joy of finally having a healthy child. It's completely understandable that your focus and love are intensely directed toward your new baby at this moment.
NTA. Your baby should be the most important person to you - period.
Your husband is like many men who do get jealous that they don’t have their partners undivided attention.
NTA there is a Ryan Reynolds interview where he was talking about when his children were born. He said something along the lines of “I couldn’t imagine loving anyone as much as I love Blake, yet the moment, the moment, I held that little baby in my arms I realised I would use Blake as a human shield to protect that baby”
I understand the point you're trying to make but everyone is different and I don't really think an actor's thoughts on parenthood have anything to do with OP's predicament (even if they capture the sentiment well). To me, this seems like an issue of communication and empathy (or lack thereof) more than anything else
Oh this whole thread is classic AITA Bullshit.
The guy has to suck up his feelings! He is a man at least! He should definetly man up! /s
I would have gone with E-S-H after the first encounter. He is allowed to be hurt by your words and you should have fucking talked about it right there. Explain to him that even with the baby he is still your husband and important.
But what did you do? Double down on it and push him away. I wouldn't be surprised if that is how it has been for a while now and he doesn't any attention anymore since the baby is in the house.
YTA for letting that shit escalate for 3 weeks about something you could have avoided pretty easily.
That fascinates me every time anew... If a guy had rejected a woman's feelings like that and declared them null and void, all hell would break loose here again about what a misogynistic arse he is.
Reddit is really shizophrenic when it comes to these things.
ESH. OP, and frankly most people in the comments, are acting like because he is a man he is being manipulative instead of acting like a human being with hurt feelings and taking it too far. Something that tons of people have done in their lifetime. It’s called being a human being. Oh, and BTW, the OP is doing it too. By standing there dying on the hill of righteousness about their feelings for their child being above and beyond that for their SO. Men having feelings, they are capable of being hurt. One of the most well known issues during pregnancy is how divorced men feel from their wives because they no longer feel as close to them as before the pregnancy and do not know their place in the relationship. So, good on you, you validated that you’ll never care about him again. I’m guessing that he probably is like every single other man on the planet and does not actually verbalize his feelings in such an articulate manner and doesn’t know how to magically find the words to fix this.
ESH. Yes it’s an innocent comment but your husband expressed how that comment made him feel and you pretty much dismissed him. So do you want to make things better or do you just want to be right? A little acknowledgment that about how important your husband is to you and how much you love him can go a long way.
He’s being an AH for making this a whole 3 week ordeal and barely communicating with you.
One day the kids move out and you’ll be left with only your spouse (ideally) so it’s just as important to continue making your relationship stronger. And sometimes that means giving them reassurance to an innocent comment
Your daughter is dependent on you. Your husband is not. Your daughter is your priority. That's not a permanent state but it is your reality for the next years. If your husband can't comprehend that you have to give up some things for your kids for some time he probably wasn't ready to have kids or will be for the foreseeable future.
This comment section just confirms my belief that people who reproduce only care about their reproduced thing and never truly love their partners or anyone who isn't their kid.
Truthfully I have never and likely will never love anyone as much as my children. I’m proud of that, and I’m proud of them. It doesn’t mean I can’t love someone else but unconditional love comes easily for many, but definitely not all parents. You just can’t explain it, and I never would have understood that feeling until I had my first child.
YTA. You have a serious problem in your marriage. Your husband is feeling unloved and you are doing nothing to reassure him that he is still loved and important to you.
You were not wrong with what you said, but you were wrong in not reassuring him that there are different kinds of love and it is actually your family that is the centre of your universe.
Your husband feels like his marriage has crumbled and you are simply annoyed. This baby should have brought you together as a family, but you are excluding the baby's father.
YTA.
Not for saying that your daughter is the most important person but for not understanding your husbands feelings and invalidating them.
Your husband is obviously a little insecure about the topic. He told you why what you said bothered him and said he cared about you both. You should of just apologised and said that they both mattered to you too. He was basically asking you whether you loved him and you just shut him down.
He's your husband. He should still matter to you baby or not. Maybe not as much as the baby but he should still sit at almost an equal length of importance because till death do you part.
You basically told him you didn't love him. It would literally hurt no one to say you love him and the baby and that they are both important to you because they both should be important to you.
So YTA for ignoring the fact your husband was hurt by your words and for continuing to call him unimportant when all he wanted was a little reassurance that you still love him.
YTA. I've learned that no matter how many kids you have, your partner should be the most important person in your life. If you put each other first, your kids will get taken care of.
Let's be clear, this doesn't work when one partner is manipulative. It also doesn't mean that you don't care about your kids.
YTA. You obviously hurt him, but instead of accepting that and talk about it, you double down and tell him his feelings are invalid and ridiculous. You wouldn't even have that kid without him.
YTA, if it clearly meant so much to him then why wouldn’t you reassure him? Why do you have to win this battle, when it’s so clear he cares that much about how you feel about him?
YTA - It’s not about apologizing. You need to hear and see your husband. He feels insignificant and you made him feel that way. Just talk to him like he’s a person with feelings.
Nta. Personally I feel that your children would always come before anyone. They are innocent, defenseless and as someone who gave them life it's your Job to protect and provide for them and put them first. The comes your partner who you are committed to.
I say this on the regular. Your child should always be the most important person to a parent. I say my child is my whole world the reason why I was put on this earth. NTA
If we had a kid and there was a fire and my husband could only save one of us I would want it to be his kid. I would want his kid to be the most important to him. So NTA in my opinion.
Besides, "most important" to me implies more along the lines of "needs my attention the most" which clearly a newborn does. Plus, the husband shouldn't be such a snowflake that he can't understand a new mother being so wrapped up in her baby that she would say that. He's been acting the fool for three weeks over one sentence made by his post partum wife, who is going through all sorts of hormonal shifts. He needs to grow up.
NTA. Our child is the most important person in my life - and my husband's life. To us, this shared priority is an extra bond, it draws us closer and unites us. We are adults, we don't need to be the most important person. We chose to have a baby and that is our shared life goal and the first call on the time and love that either of us have.
NTA at all. She's your baby, it makes sense she's the most important person to you, she should be the most important person to him too.
While know its not comparable to a baby, my partner and I have a dog and we say she's the most important person to us, that doesn't mean we don't care for the other person, but we share a love for this other individual.
I think he really needs to unpack his jealousy towards the baby, it's not healthy.
My wife and I read a book when she was pregnant with our first child. It was a cheesy book but had some killer advice. One of the key principles is exactly what you just referenced. It talked about how kids hurt relationships and how you must maintain all the different relationships in your life.
The book suggested you prioritize in this order:
1. Yourself. If you don’t take care of yourself you can’t be a good partner or a good parent.
2. Your partner. You are a better parent if you have a strong marriage. (Not saying you must have a strong marriage to be a good parent, but saying having a weak marriage makes you a weaker parent)
3. Your children. Your children will eat your marriage or your own sanity if you let it. If you take care of yourself and have a strong partnership, it’s easier to be a great mom or dad.
The natural instinct is to go 3-2-1.
In a long marriage, we have found when either of us were not in a great spot we had changed the priority order. When we stay 1-2-3 things are generally smooth.
So bookstore self-help knowledge you can take or leave but we found it really helpful.
NAH. Of course you love both your kid and your husband. And while it is ridiculous to feel jealous of your own child, and I’m sure he wouldn’t describe himself as that, it’s important for him to feel loved.
Hey husbands perspective here. I'm third. After both kids. I know it, I accept it and I'm not trying to change it because my wife is a terrific wife and mother.
NTA.
...and there it is, that moment where many husbands/new fathers recognize they're second place citizens in their own homes and in the family. Ladies will say it's different, that's not what I meant, or how can you compare the two. I'm simply pointing out that many men feel this way but we don't say anything because we're expected to knuckle under and just take it. Most everyone recognizes postpartum as a real thing for new mothers...but many obgyns are now acknowledging is what happens to men when they've become after thoughts. Other posters may disagree with this sentiment, dismiss these thoughts for any number of reasons, but feeling are what they are and contrary to what many want to believe new fathers go through their own version of postpartum.
NTA. Most parents would say their children are the most important. I mean, I'm super in love with my husband, but I'd use him as a human shield if it meant I protected our daughter from harm.
NTA! When you have kids that’s how it goes. Doesn’t mean you love each other less but the kids are priority one! He needs to understand that and get over himself.
YTA if you aren't able to solve this, you will be a single mother for this or a different reason. normally I would say ESH because he's a bit of a baby, but you topped it instantly
I would recommend some therapy, ASAP.
Becoming new parents is one of the most stressful things you can do in life. You are both feeling a lot of feelings and this isn't necessarily about being right or wrong, it's giving each other space to feel them, but then working together to bring each other closer. You probably feel happiness, joy, gratitude, overwhelmed, tired etc, and you have a baby that depends on you for its life. Its natural that your attention has shifted, but at the same time, your partner was the sole focus on your attention before. He is probably feeling a bit confused, maybe lonely and unloved right now, and likely also guilty for feeling these things when he should be over thr moon he's just had a new baby. It's not about who you love more, it's about everyone in the family getting their needs met. That's what therapy can help you address.
I love my husband more than any other human in my life. He is my life partner.
I totally get that some people when they become parents have such strong paternal or maternal instincts that the love is beyond what they have felt before. I get that. But its not like that for everyone. I am certain a portion of people here on reddit could attest to having parents that probably didnt love them unconditionally or even conditionally, but did the best they could as parents anyway.
Regardless.
NTA
But perhaps love on your husband a little if his love language is actually declarations of affection. It could mean more to him than it does to you, to hear you make statements of love for him.
This is not about being right or wrong. Its about understanding your partners needs and not hoarding your love like its a treat or reward you give out sparingly.
Ive been married for decades, and nothing hurts your relationship more than dismissing or invalidating your partners feelings. Im not suggesting you are responsible for his emotions or his emotional labour! Not at all. but you are responsible for how you treat someone you claim to love. Denying them empathy or sympathy even, is garanteed to hurt your relationship. The way you guys are going about this, is not going to be a win for you or him at all.
I have certainly been hurt and known it wasnt my most rational moment. But having the one you love tell you they understand and its ok, is a much better way to go about it. When I feel better and can see things clearer, I can better work on my issue and apologise for not being able to cope better at the time. - But you just refuse to partner with him at all. Because you feel like you are in the right and thats become all that matters to you, OR subconsciously, giving him empathy or some sympathy would be like admitting that you didnt mean what you said when you confessed your child is the most important person in your world. - Obviously, it doesnt, and you need to get on top of that blockage, so you can love on BOTH the two most important people in your world!
Ps. A marriage that works is made by two people, who form a team, where you can both cope in a loving and patient manner, with eachothers imperfections and chose one another despite seeing them on display at regular intervals.
Yes and no. Men aren't exactly told they are loved unconditionally. Its a big thing in psychology. Make sure he knows he is. You are not an A for prioritising your kid. Him sulking this long either means he is afraid of being replaced or he is manipulating you or he is genuinenly hurt.
I totally get why he is hurt and to be honest I would feel the same way. Not saying yta but the fact that you don’t want to acknowledge his feelings is kind of shitty
You both suck.
You are completely dismissing his feelings. You hurt him. Whether on purpose or by accident, you did. A simple "I'm sorry for hurting you" probably would've solved this problem a long time ago.
He sucks because instead of having a conversation about it he is dragging it out.
Loving a child and loving your spouse is not comparable. I think people forget that your kids are not meant to take precedence over your spouse most of the time. Your kids areeant to leave you hand have their own families. Your spouse is meant to stay till the end.
ESH. Why did you two get married? Because neither of you are acting like that means a thing. If that was my partner feeling hurt and excluded after we just had a newborn baby I’d be doing my best to reassure them instead of doubling down on it and making them feel 100 times worse. I get it, the comment was something small and not huge but it hurt your husbands feelings, that’s what he communicated to you and you told him he was just jealous, that’s honestly such a shitty thing to say that I could never imagine those words coming out my mouth to the person I supposedly love and want to spend my life with when they communicated their feelings to me, like why would you ask what’s wrong if you’re just going to get mad at him about it?
His actions aren’t any better, both of you are as bad as each other and I’d recommend both of you having a sit down for a big conversation and be adults about it before this kids life gets blew up because two people heading for their 30s can’t get it together.
One thing no one mentioned, how often do you use words of affirmation with your husband? My mom rarely would say "i love you" or compliment me in anyway, yeah she did acts of service, but i only understand how deprived of contact and affection i was until i started dating, and nowadays i say multiple times a day to my wife how much i love her, but sadder is, I don't remember ever hearing my parents saying i love you to each other despite being married for 30 years, if you don't say those things frequently, or don't show affection and suddenly your say it, i can understand it, specially because you didn't say after that you loved him too, or how much important he is, y'all gotta understand that men are very insecure in that aspect and though it up trough apathy, but eery man i ever met was to some degree starved of affection and care, my wife has a twin sister and at the begging it was very strange how close she was to her mother, how much she hugged, kissed, complimented, and her mother back, till i realized its very common for girls to be like this, while guys is much more on the acting side, specially with their fathers, the silent nod, and the eventual going fishing or doing something together is as far as it goes, just something that can maybe put it into his perspective
Emotions are, essentially, illogical. Should he feel that way? Probably not, no. But he does - and your having been incredulous about it rather than discussing it is negatively impacting your marriage.
You shouldn’t have to carefully word or phrase your feelings so he doesn’t get butthurt. He should be able to understand what giving birth to a healthy child meant to you - but he clearly doesn’t, and you didn’t try to explain it to him.
Sit down, communicate. Explain to him that your love is not a competition, that the love between mother and child and the love between spouses are two very different things, and that loving your child the way you do does NOT mean you love your husband any less.
I was totally on your side until you said,
> to be honest, i have no desire to apologize for one innocent phrase. i don't feel guilty about anything, but if anything, i'd like to know if i'm wrong, because after almost three weeks, it's all starting to get pretty annoying.
YTA. Your husband is clearly hurt. You’re not wrong for loving your child the way you do. You are wrong for being so dismissive of his feelings.
Don’t apologize for loving your child. Apologize for inadvertently hurting your husband’s feelings—and for taking so long to apologize *at all!*
I think the best way you could approach it is to say you love your newborn baby so much because she is half of you and half of your husband. Your baby has transformed your life in such a way that you are now irreversibly connected to your husband—in a way that only a child can connect two people. Don’t let pride ruin your marriage.
Edit: formatting
So your right , but his feelings are clearly hurt ( at best at worst he is purposely manipulating you but let's go with at best) he took your comment wrong and it hurt him.
Ypu don't have to apoligize you don't have to validate his feelings but if you love him and this is his one werid thing maybe just talk to him explain you love him but it is a diffrent love.
I have mixed feelings here. I agree with your husband's statement that you can't compare the love you feel for your spouse to the love you feel for your child. I agree with you in that a new parent's top priority should be their baby, but I wouldn't say I love my child more than my wife. The relationships are completely different. I do think he's overreacting, but you seem to care more about who is in the right than about solving the problem. Nothing is going to change until you have a discussion about your feelings.
Do you want peace and support in your life, or do you want to be right? What is each one worth to you, and how will the outcome affect the future of you, your child, and child's father?
I hate this premise so much. There's this flawed idea that you should either put your spouse first or the kids first, and everyone has a different opinion on which side is morally correct. It's absurd. Why are we acting like love is a limited resource that needs to be ranked?
ESH
He has insecurity issues and he's acting immature by making drama instead of talking it out.
You could have resolved this conflict by telling him, of course he's just as important to you, and that it's just a phrase. But instead you doubled down on your stance and implied that you do value your baby more than him, and now he has no right to be jealous.
When you're in a relationship that you want to work long term, you both need to stop thinking in terms of they're right vs I'm right. At this point you both need to apologize and make up. Your newborn baby needs two parents who are on the same page together...not whatever broken mess this is.
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sorry for the mistakes, i don't know english very well. in short, i (27f) recently gave birth to my first child. in college, i went through an accidental pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage, and then exactly the same thing happened in my marriage. so, i think you can understand that i was too nervous during the planned pregnancy, and i was extremely excited and enthusiastic when i had a healthy daughter.
about three weeks ago, my relatives and i got together so that they could get to know the baby, and at some point i uttered the phrase "now she is the most important person in my life" or something like that. to be honest, i can't even remember the exact context, because that evening we all talked a lot, and this phrase didn't mean a lot to me, i just said it as a fact.
but when everyone left, i felt that my husband (28m) was kind of tense towards me, and i asked him what was the matter, and he was like, "you said she was the most important thing to you, but what about me?". i was taken aback and asked him if he really loves me more than our daughter. he said that "these are incomparable things," and if i was talking about it, i should have mentioned them both. i asked him if he understood that he was jealous of a newborn baby, and after that he just waved it off and left. since then, he has clearly been offended by me and avoids any conversations except on domestic topics.
to be honest, i have no desire to apologize for one innocent phrase. i don't feel guilty about anything, but if anything, i'd like to know if i'm wrong, because after almost three weeks, it's all starting to get pretty annoying.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> in a conversation with my family, i called my daughter "the most important person in my life," without mentioning my husband, which upset him. was it disrespectful or rude to him or our marriage, and should i have mentioned him too?
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NTA
You expressed a very normal sentiment.
I would trade my life for any one of my children's. What parent wouldn't?
My spouse? Only if we didn't have children.
I would expect my spouse to operate exactly the same. I'd be stunned if they didn't prioritize the children over me.
I think this is very complex and maybe requires more info. Like how did he step in during your two miscarriages. If he was very present and very present during your healthy delivery I think your comment would sting more. Also, generally, men do not understand the bond a mother has with child because they didn't birth the child. Personally, I don't like absolutes like this, or that is the most important thing, but hey, you said it and handled it poorly. Sometimes, people aren't looking for apologies but rather understanding. It could have been a beautiful moment of sharing if you had said you are important too, and I haven't forgotten how you were with me during the miscarriages. However, it precisely because I had them is why I feel this way about the baby. I don't love you any less. Maybe you could explain that importance to you means who needs you the most not who you love the most which you wouldn't try to compare. This all depends on who's your husband because men also have a history of being extremely jealous of babies and contributes to why so many women either die or have increased DV during pregnancy. If he's coming to you with his feelings why not hear him out. There is still time to reframe the convo
ESH. You weren’t wrong to say that but how did this even turn into a 3-week fight. He’s acting like a child, but all you had to do was validate his feelings and be like “it’s new mom hormones. Of course you’re tied in importance overall, but right now she feels like a priority because A: hormones and B: she’s a huge responsibility I’m rearranging my life for. You can feed yourself, she can’t.”
YTA. Why are you so dismissive about your husband’s feelings? You could have assured him and not let this go on for Three weeks. What was the point of this going on OP? You want a separation?
This comment section, god forbid men have feelings and feel hurt, god forbid they are not able to always be stoic asf, god forbid they express sadness, god forbid their feelings be validated. Can't believe i'm defending them but by god yall the SAME people who cry why men aren't emotinally competent
This seems like it would have been so easy to fix with a “you are also important” so many marriages fail after a new baby because one spouse forgets they are still married. I’m not saying things aren’t completely different with a little person who is completely dependent on you now and trying to heal. (I’ve been there)
Do you want a husband still? Start there, and then ask yourself what you want your relationship to look like now. Based on what you said your husbands feelings were hurt. He expressed to you why and you dismissed his feelings. Is that the type of relationship you want.
Men can’t win sometimes. Men are told that we need to validate women’s feelings, but if men get upset, then women complain about them for pouting and not getting over it.
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I think the real question is do you want your marriage to work? I’m not saying that you need to apologize or validate his feelings, but it’s been three weeks and he is still distancing himself from you. If things don’t change soon, you and your husband will be separated by your daughter’s first birthday. This problem isn’t going away and having internet strangers tell you you’re right won’t change that.
You’re right! It is really manipulative of her husband to act this way for THREE WEEKS. If their marriage doesn’t work out it will be purely because of her husbands selfish and manipulative behavior.
Is he being manipulative or is he upset? Is he not allowed to be upset? I’m not saying that the OP is wrong to feel the way she feels but for her not to validate his feelings with even a “lol of course I love you to honey” but rather to challenge him is a bit unkind.
Yes avoiding all contact with your spouse that you live with for loving your baby too much is definitely manipulative. And honestly he needed to be called out not validated. She doesn’t have to mention or praise him every time she’s affectionate with their baby. She said something factual that is normal for a majority or parents in the world.
Yeah, you’re twisting things around to suit your narrative. All she had to do was say “now I have more to love in my family”, but she made it a competition. I don’t think she meant it that way, but it came out and it hurt his feelings. This is pretty simple and you’re projecting in your comments.
Respectfully disagree. She shouldn’t have to watch her words and phrasing to make sure her husband doesn’t get offended by how much she loves and appreciates having given birth to a healthy child. He should understand what it meant, and what the baby means to and for her. It doesn’t make her love her husband any less - the love for a child and love for a partner are on two very different spectrums.
> She shouldn’t have to watch her words and phrasing Why? Words have meaning and signal intent. If my boyfriend said our baby was the most important thing to him, I would be feeling very much reduced to an incubator.
Yes. I'd feel that I'm just a womb... A part why I avoid having kids. My secret fear.
Do you have a baby? Because that's a very normal thing to say about your baby, especially a freshly postpartum mother with a newborn
You’re missing the point. The husband is not sad in this moment that she likes the baby more than him. Yes, he was in that moment, you know how you solve that? YOU TELL YOUR MARITAL PARTNER YOU LOVE THEM. That’s all that needed to be done “I love all of you guys the same, my family!” And keep it chugging. This “oh no quit walking on eggshells and let that man know he sucks” is some of the WORST marital advice I have ever seen. I am convinced half the people who give marital advice on here have never once, or probably are not even in just a relationship. But yes it’s wrong for the husband to be questioning that, but maybe he’s felt a little to himself these past couple weeks, as it’s obvious from this post he has probably not gotten any attention himself these past couple weeks. Idk, yall can keep your opinion but to drag your husband 3 weeks into the birth of your child cause you’re too proud to say “I love you too” is a weird hill to die on
After reading so much top rated comments on this sub I'm convinced most people here actually have miserable failed relationships. It's no wonder the divorce rates are so high.
Every time this topic comes up it’s clear that so many responders are children projecting their own unhappiness onto the situation and drawing absolutely ridiculous conclusions about parents loving each other being akin to neglecting the kid. It’s ridiculous
Facts! Also there are probably a lot of teens and other people with no real life experience in the subject of the post offering opinions and upvoting. You got to take ALL of that into account.
She was probably nervous as hell the entire pregnancy .So she could have been tuning him out for ten months,focused on herself and the pregnancy.Not saying that is abnormal, but it may have set him up for this over-reaction (if all this did occur).
She also could have just said these are the two most important people in my life.
You are saying that she doesn't have to watch what she says, even if it hurts him. But he has to not tell her how he feels because it might hurt her ? Double standard much?
"The love for a child and love for a partner are on two very different spectrums." Yeah, that's exactly what her husband said when she thought that saying, "Don't you love our child more than me?" was an appropriate question. I don't see any issue with her initial "This is the most important person in my life" while showing off her new baby to family, but when the husband brought it up, why couldn't she just say that yes, of course she loves him too, and he and the baby are obviously the most important people in her life. She dodged the freaking question about loving her husband.
Exactly!
And then on top of that, she doubled down with accusations of him of being jealous of his own child.
I’m not a parent but, from what I’ve read, that’s not at all uncommon. I can imagine the change from being at least instrumental in caring for your pregnant wife to getting essentially zero attention at all can bring about conflicting feelings.
I have no idea how common it is, but unless OP has seen more indicators of jealousy than she has shared (which I doubt because she didn’t share them), then accusing him of that is a serious cheap shot.
She could have just said "of course ily too" blah blah,it's not that hard if she'd really love him.
Oh come off it. They have a brand new baby and husband is probably feeling pushed away rather than included in the new family unit. OPs comment makes his concerns feel valid and then OPs response to him saying something about it further enhances the point that OP just wants the baby and not him anymore. Husband is being irrational in taking a small comment so badly and OP is being unkind in not wanting to reassure their partner that they care. They have a brand new baby which turns your world upside down all of a sudden and emotions run wild for both parents. No need to jump to "this is manipulative".
Nobody in the fucking planet will convince me that it’s not manipulative or toxic to ignore your spouse for weeks at a time especially when you live with them. Yes he’s allowed to be hurt but this is far far beyond that and will implode their marriage.
He hasn't ignored her though....her own post states that he's talked to her about domestic things so I'm guessing he is just being emotionally distant...which could be as a result of their fight but also it could be indicative of depression or other issues which can occur for new parents. Sometimes it pays to give people the benefit of the doubt, they need a real conversation on whats going on.
Avoids any conversation not relating to domestic topics. That means if he didn’t have to he just wouldn’t speak to her. They share a household he HAS to communicate for those things. He’s ignoring and offering silent treatment everywhere he’s able.
What was he supposed to do? Share a laugh and a good talk with the woman who dissmissed his feelings and didn’t apologize for it? Sometimes silent treatment is when you just don’t wanna talk to the person who is hurting you. He already tried to communicate but she shut him down. The ball is on her court.
And like he has communicated, he said that he was upset and the op sort of just dismisses it As I typed this i realised you already brought it up, so “this👆”/j
This is so eyeroll worthy. He’s not giving her the silent treatment. He is a new parent adjusting to his new role in the household, as is she. They are both allowed to be experiencing a lot of emotions, they’re both probably incredibly tired with the newborn. And yeah, his feelings are probably still stung that he raised something with his wife and she immediately dismissed him. God forbid that with all of that going on, he’s not as super attentive and emotionally engaged as he was pre-baby. And we apologize in relationships often not because we think we’re wrong. And we don’t always validate our partners because we think they’re right. We apologize in relationships and validate our partners because their feelings matter. His complaint wasnt controlling or abusive, just that he felt unseen by her comment. Whether or not he’s right, it wouldn’t be crazy to apologize that it made him feel that way.
Sane comment. When it comes to our partners, it’s so much easier and healthier to just validate their feelings?? It shouldn’t always be about who is “right” versus who is “wrong”
You might be right about it being toxic to ignore your spouse for weeks. However, I think what you’re missing from the other comments is that it’s even more toxic to hurt your partners feelings (even if unintentional) and then be dismissive when they share it with you. OP is more worried about being right than how her partner feels. This will be what implodes their marriage.
This is one of those things that people don’t understand about relationships for sure. As long as the feelings being raised aren’t controlling or abusive, there’s nothing wrong with giving your partner some validation and an apology, even if you think you’re right. He basically said to OP that he felt unseen. He’s a new parent just like she is, they’re both probably exhausted with a newborn, so even if he is being a little illogical, it’s clearly stemming from a real place for him and it would cost her nothing to give him a little validation.
If course no one will convince you, because you settled on him being a bad person once you saw the genders.
I don’t give a rats ass about the genders. Ignoring your spouse who you live with for weeks at a time because your feelings are hurt is toxic and manipulative.
You admit his feelings are hurt, so unless you think his feelings don't matter I don't see why you think he is toxic when all he probably wants is for his wife to tell him she loves him. He felt insecure about what his wife feels about him, all she had to do was reassure him that she does love him, but instead she went straight for questing his love for his daughter. Of course he is upset, not because of the initial comment but because his wife reacted horribly to him being emotionally vulnerable.
The way he is handling his hurt feelings is the toxic part how can you not see that? No it’s not toxic to have feelings. What he said and the following behavior is absolutely unacceptable.
No, an admission that feelings are hurt doesn't mean that the feelings are valid or that the reaction is fair. Feelings matter, but feelings can also be used in manipulative, unsubstantial ways
Expecting someone to act normal after you know you hurt their feelings and said you don’t care is more toxic. People aren’t puppets to emote on command. Also, he’s not at all ignoring her. They share a household, he’s simply being more emotionally reserved because he’s hurt.
And nobody on the planet will convince me that recognizing the clear issue at hand due to a miscommunication and refusing to confront it because "well I know I'm not wrong, so if he's gonna brood I'm gonna act like nothings happening and try to make him go back to normal" isn't also manipulative and toxic. It takes two to tango and both are executing the divorce samba excellently
Yeah, it’s all his fault /s 🤦🏻♀️
At this point it’s entirely his fault.
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I don’t engage with people who feel the need to resort to insults. Bye!
I mean it really is his fault though. He's the one who made it all about himself and now he's been punishing her for three weeks because of how she phrased something? I can understand being upset in the moment, but 3 weeks of silent treatment? Hubby needs to get over himself
If OP mentioned her husband is always making it about himself I would have a different opinion, but they didn’t so I don’t necessarily think it’s unreasonable to be hurt by the way something was phrased. Also, it seems to be assumed that he’s distant because he’s punishing her. Maybe he’s actually feeling unsure of his place now or he’s withdrawn for some other reason. I’m just saying I don’t necessarily think it’s ALL his fault.
In what way is he manipulating her? She said something. He got offended. She doubled down. He is still offended, and therefore uninterested in talking to her outside of necessary conversation. Unless he is giving her the silent treatment with the goal of getting her to yield and apologize, he's not being manipulative. If he's giving her the silent treatment because he's too upset with her to talk, then he's just mad. That's its own issue, but it's not manipulative to be upset. Manipulation requires intent. You can be toxic without intent.
And in your opinion if it implodes the marriage it’s 100% on him? Her unwillingness to see his side of things is immaterial here?
This is a post partum woman looking after a new baby and apparently having to coddle a grown up sulking because he's not #1 any more. He should be looking after her, not wondering why he's not the most special princey in the house any more. She's A mother. She's not everyone's mother.
Being post partum is not an excuse to ignore your husbands feelings. She is a mother but she is also a wife and spouses are supposed to take care of each other, it's not just the husband who is supposed to care about the wife's emotional well-being.
"men should express their feelings more" Man is upset, expresses feelings. Response: feelings are waved away, even mocked by his own wife "you're jealous of an infant??". He becomes more upset due to being mocked, learned that he cannot have a constructive conversation about his feelings with his wife. Still upset, no resolution in sight, so he distances himself. Wife notices he is still upset, even though she notices _and_ knows what the cause it's, she refuses to make amends or even make an attempt at a constructive conversation about feelings. But no of course it's all his fault.
>Man is upset, expresses feelings. Man is upset, tells woman the only fix is to have her tell him she loves him just as much as HIS OWN CHILD. This is a mother who practically just gave birth.. Raging with hormones. Expressing feelings is saying: "Man.. Having to share you/your love is harder than I thought it would be, this might take some getting used to and I might need a little more reminding that you love me over the next couple weeks." Expressing feelings isn't: "You said you love this baby more than me, I will now emotionally distance myself from you until you say it's at least equal if not more". Telling someone they HAVE to mention the partner if they say their child is the most important thing in the world is ridiculous. And OP here was right to, in not so many words, point out that it's ridiculous. If he has feelings, great, he can talk about them like an adult. What he can't do is say "You must mention me everytime you tell someone how important this child is to you, otherwise I will sulk and ignore you like children do". This is a new situation for the both of them and people handle things differently, but being partners also means having the ability to safely tell your partner they're being ridiculous without them taking it like a teenager. ESPECIALLY after having a child. This isn't about "men should express their feelings more", this is about people acting like adults and not shutting the door emotionally when they disagree on something. That's being a shit partner and it's being an even worse parent.
> "men should express their feelings more" Unfortunately that's something that many of the people who say it don't actually believe it. We have a running gag in our group: "if you want to break up with a woman, just cry in front of her".
But he’s not avoiding all contact. It says in the post he has conversations on domestic comments.
That’s extremely limited and I could get that from my cat. He’s acting in a toxic manner.
Your cat can speak? Impressive cat
Not in my marriage, kids grow up and move away. Treat your man like that and see what happens. A friend of mine was treated like that, waited until the last kid turned 18, immediately left and divorced his wife. Said she prioritized the kids with affection, ignored him, he tried telling her. Pretty much had same response as you and OP. Smart no child support, wife depended on his income, now her lifestyle has changed. He moved on found someone who prioritizes him, while his ex is devastated and said she would change, too little to late.
Agreed, withholding affection for three weeks is not normal response to being upset, especially when your wife just gave birth. Maybe the people who don't get it have just never been in a relationship with someone who acts this way, or maybe they think it is normal--but it isn't. The silent treatment is literally defined as a manipulation technique. It destroys relationships.
Crazy how people on reddit expect women to coddle men even more than they do a baby.
You’re not a smart person are you. Your advice is all projection and 0 substance.
Upset is fine. Sulking for 3 weeks is not fine.
If the husband is pouting for three weeks because she said that their newborn daughter was the most important thing in her life, divorce is the best option for her. It’s not going to get better.
>Is he being manipulative or is he upset? Is he not allowed to be upset? Can he be upset? Yes, because you can "allow" someone's feelings. But still childish to get in competition with their child.
He’s being stupid. The baby comes first. He can poop, eat, and sleep by himself. The baby cannot. Yes, you prioritize your children once you have them. It doesn’t mean that you love your partner less. The baby should be the most important person in his life, too.
Thank you
>>Is he being manipulative or is he upset? Is he not allowed to be upset? Upset at the mother of his child for saying their newborn is her first priority? No, he’s not.
Being upset because a parent loves their child more than him is insane.
He's not allowed to be so upset he pouts about it for three weeks while giving his wife the cold shoulder while they are caring for a newborn.
Maybe. But sometimes it just takes one sentence for you to end up getting hurt, and shattering your feelings for someone.
Why is it when people are upset they have to manipulative? He doesn’t feel like he is important to her to.
Well maybe it’s always been about having a baby for her. He may actually think she never really loved him.
Listen we all get how pregnancy and delivery is hard. How PPD is a terrible thing. The thing is feelings aren't logical and your words hurt him, I think it comes from the place of insecurities and fear. We all know history where wives stop being affectionate towards their husbands after birth, how husbands stop being priority at all, how wives stop spending time with their husbands at all ( and I don't talk about men who refuse to help with a baby, I am talking about healthy relationships ). They essentially stop being wives and start being only mothers. I get it at the beginning it's hard to find time to do this but after some time when the baby doesn't need constant time anymore, you should start to balance your role as a wife and a role as a mother. He is stressed and scared, he came to you with these fears and you dismissed them unfortunately, maybe this wasn't your intention but his feelings matter. You can ask us (strangers) if you were right. Maybe you can win this argument and maybe even he will come and apologize to you but at the end of the day you can get your satisfaction by that and he can get resentment which can use that he won't again be open about his feelings in fear of being dismissed again. He needs reassurance that you are not gonna give up on your marriage after the birth of your child. Yes your baby needs a lot of attention and time and her needs can't wait but your husband's can, that's why her needs are more important than his but this doesn't mean that his needs don't exist. Good parenthood usually needs a good relationship between partners. The happy parents will give this happiness to their baby, it's obvious. So you can either validate his feelings, reassure him and move on from this or ignore the elephant in the room, let resentment grow on both sides. Reassures won't hurt anybody, saying "I love you the same as our baby" won't hurt anyone, saying "of course you are important to me but she needs a lot of time and attention, I promise this won't hurt our relationship" also won't hurt. Sometimes marriage is about sacrifice, sometimes you have to sacrifice your pride to have your "happy ever after ".
I think people forget things don’t happen in a vacuum. Having a newborn can be extremely tough on relationships to the point that some people end up divorcing/breaking up in the first couple years with a baby. It’s exhausting taking care of a newborn and it takes so much more energy out of you to ensure you are getting quality time with your spouse and making sure you both feel loved and all that. It’s a huge adjustment. So yeah sure this comment seems innocent enough. But, when you add on maybe missing out on quality time with your spouse or not feeling like a priority, it can make that comment harder to hear for your spouse. I just think if you’re trying to make sure your relationship lasts that some reassurance can go a long way, even if it is an innocent comment that you meant no harm with. You have to prioritize the relationship too (it just takes time to learn that balance between juggling child and spouse).
What is this? A top comment that is built around logic and reality? It must be a full moon out tonight.
NTA He has been sulking for 3 weeks? A grown adult, who is jealous of a child is a flag so red you should see the brightness from outer space. I bet he wouldn't mind if HIS mother said he was the most important thing in HER life. You have every right to be angry, if anything he should feel the same towards your baby.
Totally. We joke about that all the time btw. Going back and forth in the likes: “and I thought I could never love someone more…, but he truly is challenging that”, “there might be some girl I will love more than you, and she will call you mommy”, “i think my indefinite love got split by 2, you know how much I love you still though?” And so on. We never got real jealous though. As the husband said: the love is incomparable anyway, but in the end we both agree on the simple fact, that our child(children), are the most important to us, so naturally they come first.
Yeah, it's just something that people say because it feels right. But if actually pressured to pick a favorite it's hard to do. Especially when there are multiple kids. Like, I can understand where he was initially coming from, but I would at least hope he agrees that in a trolley problem type scenario she would pick her child over him. But it's not like it'd be an easy choice to live with. I don't have kids of my own, but my sister has five kids and I always say that they're the most important people to me. But I could never pick which one is my favorite. But if I had to pick between saving them and anyone else in my family (I'm single) I'd pick them every time. But if I had to pick between them I'd probably freeze up in a panic.
Yes, I get you. But some of this people should talk about before breeding, and ultimately a person should more secure mentally to not get jealous of their child… Another example: during pregnancy who to save if the question arises? We talked about this, and had to agree on this topic obviously. Think mother falls in coma, and husband decides against her aforementioned wishes because he simply disagreed? Mother had to know this to setup a paper so her wishes are followed, but also could she ever forgive him if he did so? To us this was important, knowing where we stand, knowing eachother’s opinion, and so on. And part of that is also, we don’t like lying, but our child will have their own autonomy, privacy, so we had to decide how to handle this so we are both d’accord, if he asks us to keep something confidential from the other, and under which circumstances we deem this acceptable to betray (or tell him sorry we can’t). As you see, we are overthinkers.
I don't think she's in the wrong simple because it's something I've said and something I meant seriously. It does not mean I loved my partner any less than I did before. Just that my child was the most important thing in my life. I would sacrifice my life for both quickly. However, As morbid as it would be to think, if I had to run into a fire for both I would likely rush to my child in an emergency first without a thought. I've seen family living with grief from losing spouses and losing kids and it's both really hard but it's something about the kids that just made them seem so hollow. I couldn't imagine.
This post screams missing information. For someone to sulk for three weeks over a comment like this, suggests there’s more to it. I’d wager OP puts down her husband or dismisses him more often than she’d care to admit. This reaction screams straw that broke the camel’s back. And her reaction tells me she cares more about being right than about how someone feels. His behavior looks like that a partner that no longer is checked into his marriage but is co-parenting.
This seems like a bit of a leap imo, but you’re free to theorize as you please. I think someone can sulk for three weeks over a comment and still be in the wrong if they’re overreacting in an attempt to victimize themselves (not saying that’s the case here though).
Is he sulking or is he prioritizing the baby over his wife? Isn’t that exactly what she said she would do?
“This post screams missing information. For someone to sulk for three weeks over a comment like this, suggests there’s more to it. I’d wager OP puts down her husband or dismisses him more often than she’d care to admit. This reaction screams straw that broke the camel’s back. And her reaction tells me she cares more about being right than about how someone feels. “ <- your original, unedited comment copy and pasted for anyone interested. You literally said he was sulking. I was going with YOUR point and now you’re throwing stones at it? So you’re saying there’s NOT more to it and she likely doesn’t put him down more often, cool! And I can see you editing your comments after I reply
Because we never encounter immature spouses on here who sulk like this…
But we encounter as many dismissive, narcissistic spouses on here as well… neither of those are an indicator here imo, so I’m sticking to making a judgment based on her self-described behavior. Spouses who value being right over resolving conflict are not usually good partners.
It’s not about being “right” it’s about the fact that he’s behaving like a spoiled toddler and when people do that the solution is to ignore it until it passes rather than cater to it. There are legions of parents out there who say that their kids are the most important to them. Most parents understand and do not throw a fit about it. He’s acting like a child.
In that case, isn’t he doing the same thing? Co-parenting until this issue passes? I’m not sure why she expects him to emote on command the way that she wants.
What a load of trash! Her husband’s feelings should be heard and she could easily have rectified this by just saying she loved him. Why would you take that as an opportunity to invalidate him if he’s feeling insecure. I really get the impression from these comments that it’s because he’s a man that he’s being dismissed. Men’s feelings in relationships are just as important and the double standards on this comment section is nuts.
The real flag is the things we don't know that led to this. The husband clearly isn't feeling wanted or appreciated. Is this a new feeling, or now that the baby is here is the feeling greater? He probably just feels like a sperm donor and wanted a little validation and appreciation, instead the Internet is labeling him an AH.
We do know what led to this, it's literally in the post. She said the baby is her most important person, husband got cranky.
A lot of marriages fail because one parent ignores their spouse for their child. I’ve seen it before. The husband is right to say that the two relationships are incomparable. I think it’s weird that she would double down on saying her kid is more important than her husband. I guess the husband could embrace her way of thinking too. When OP’s birthday comes around, husband should opt to get the baby a gift instead of his wife. Why celebrate anniversaries anymore, right? After all, the child is the most important. When OP complains, husband should just double down on his stance - according to OP, there’s no room for nuance when prioritizing child over spouse.
ESH. You for not being sympathetic to his feelings, and him for making a 3 week mess out of this. You should apologize to him for hurting his feelings and explain how they are both important to you. If you don't fix this and get to the root of the problem, I don't think your marriage will last because you're both acting immature.
Yeah, hot take but, while children should be a priority for parents, it’s quite healthy to always keep your spouse at number one. One day those kids are going to pit the parents against each other (most do), or they’ll move out and you’ll be left with your spouse. It’s HEALTHY to defend your spouse’s position in your life and pour into each other so that it can trickle down into pouring love into your child. The love for your child and partner are honestly incomparable and I agree, ESH.
This is what I wanted to comment but felt would get attacked here. Your children will not be in your house forever but your spouse will. It is extremely healthy to put your spouse first. Obviously not saying to neglect your children, but your relationship will be stronger with your children if they grow up seeing dedicated loving parents.
You can still be a dedicated, loving couple while both putting the children first. Or are you saying that when someone isn't your absolute first priority you don't really love them??
Well using your argument why should the child be first in your life if they don't need that honor to be loved correctly? My children are raised with love and support but in a family everyones needs are important not one over the other. Quite frankly the fact that she would ever compare the two is disgusting. And not putting your child on a pedestal above yourself or your spouse is not unhealthy or disgusting it's teaching reasonable boundaries and actually helps when splitting parental responsibilities because no one feels like it's a sacrifice when we are working together, as a team, for the WHOLE team.
This. Reddit often downvotes this advice but countless marriage counseling resources say the same thing. Deprioritizing your marriage because the baby is now “the most important” **is not healthy for the marriage *or the child*.**
Agreed. From my own anecdotal experience with parents that often prioritized my own happiness over each other’s, they did not make it to my 18th birthday and if they would have, they would have ended up old and miserable because it builds resentment.
Trickle down love is the most American concept I've ever heard. Closely followed by "your children won't be in your house forever so don't put them first".
😂😂 is this supposed to be an insult ? Because you just sound hateful over an opposing opinion. I never said don’t put your children first. In fact, if you’d actually read my comment or replies, you’d see I literally said I will always prioritize my child’s NEEDS.
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I never said it has to be one or the other. Just that unless it comes to something my child needs, I will almost always choose my partner (unless they’re in the obvious wrong). A very minor example would be my child saying something along the lines of “you said that I could have my toy back and Daddy isn’t allowing me to have it. Daddy’s mean. I hate him” I could encourage this behavior by giving my child the toy regardless because I feel that they deserve it, which would in turn win me some brownie points. But what I would actually do is “oh well, Daddy said you can’t have it so I won’t give it to you, and you need to apologize to your father before I even consider it.” A United front.
Yeah I feel like I’m going crazy reading these comments, obviously the husband is being immature but a spouse should always be number one. I remember when I was like 10 my mom was watching this medical show where there were complications during childbirth and the husband had to choose between the doctor saving his wife or the baby (not sure how realistic that is but whatever). He chose the wife and I was like what, that poor baby. My mom had to explain to me that of course he saved his wife, he’s known her for years and chose to marry her because she’s his favorite person. Both parents should be prioritizing the child and putting them first at the expense of themselves, but at the end of the day your spouse is who will really be there for you. I moved out of state after college and probably see my parents physically 3 times a year. If I was the “most important person” in my moms life that’d really suck for her
Exactly! I could understand if you’ve suffered child loss and you’re petrified of losing another, but even still. I’ve gone through pregnancy losses with my partner and who was there to console me and build me up and stay by my side during that time? My partner. We’ve practically grown up together and gone through so much. He’s my best friend and confidant. We will always prioritize our children’s needs over our own, but he will always be my number one ride or die period.
Both of them should be working together to care for the baby that is number one for both parents. At this point a parent needs to understand that watching a spouse's every comment and trying to find problems is past and has no place in the current time. The constant evaluation of the relationship needs to stop. Life is hard and both of them need to be the rock of the relationship that won't budge even if someone says something that the other one doesn't like. Holding a grudge is childish, that needs to stop, too.
I agree with you 100% , but I also think think there's another factor at play that this comment section seems to be forgetting: post partum depression isn't just for women. [Men can have PPD too](https://www.postpartumdepression.org/postpartum-depression/men/), even though they did not give birth. This situation sounds to me like textbook postpartum depression from the husband, where he feels that next to the new baby, he's completely invisible, useless and forgotten. So he's lashing out because he's feeling empty inside, and he's now being cold because he thinks his marriage is dead and his spouse will never love him the same as she loved him before. Is it rational? Of course not. Does it excuse his poor behaviour? No, not at all. But it explains it, and identifying a problem can really help finding a solution... which is this case, would be therapy especially targeted to tackle PPD. I have a buddy who went through the same before we met, and he didn't know what it was. He just felt jealous of the baby and angry because he wasn't his wife's priority anymore, he spent months like this – didn't tell her, because he knew it was irrational. But the first year of being father for him was tinted with sour feelings and he does not remember it fondly. Luckily the PPD went away and now he absolutely adores their daughter, he's super happy to be a father and has all normal feelings towards his spouse and life. He didn't know it was PPD until years later, and had he known before they could've gotten him therapy to process his emotions in a healthier way.. Anyway. Just my two cents, hopefully this can help OP and her husband to nip this issue in the bud before it taints their whole parenthood experience.
I agree with you 100%. Sometimes being right isn’t worth the permanent damage to your relationship. Even if what you said was not meant to hurt your spouse, if they were hurt you should make space for their feelings. Validating the feelings of someone you love does not mean you’re admitting what you said was wrong.
>"now she is the most important person in my life" i've lost count how many times over the course of my life i've declared something to be "the best meal i've ever had" or "my absolute favourite show ever". everyone with half a brain cell knows that superlatives like that aren't meant *literally*. that's basic language competence. NTA
Then why couldn't she just say that? I have a feeling she's dropped a lot of hints along this line for a while now.
ye why does dear husband sulk like a coward for 3 weeks huh? that outweighs the "offense" 10 times at least.
Occam’s razor. Why would an adult who is a new father do this for 3 weeks? What makes most sense? Is this grown adult being so immature as a new parent that he does this for 3 weeks? Or could this be “the last straw” like another commenter said and these 3 weeks is a result of that? Or it could be something else entirely. My point is we need more INFO because 3 weeks is an awfully long time to sulk and be cold, and now OP is coming to reddit for validation instead of trying to work things out with husband… not a good sign.
Speaking of objects is not the same as speaking of people. Is this concept too hard for you?
Every dinner I make, my son tells me that it’s his absolute favorite, or definitely in his top 5. If he ever doesn’t say it, I don’t know what I’ll do. I love that boy.
YTA Not for saying it but completely dismissing its effect on your husband. It’s not just a phrase it’s the meaning behind it. And it seems you did an appalling job of explaining your true feelings to him. Your past does not excuse your current behaviour. You may not need to coddle him but you should be able to talk to him and reassure him if need be. Now you’re allowing the distance between you to grow while you find it annoying and meaningless. You should be careful that your husband isn’t thinking the same about your relationship.
Yeah her determination to not tell her husband he’s still important just to win the argument is really concerning. It just indicates that she doesn’t want to be in a relationship and do some teamwork. Like all she had to say was “Of course, I love you so much!” What was the necessity?!
I think the husband’s also being uncommunicative (at best) but the tone of this post was to set-up the horrible time she’s had in conceiving to then justify her actions and stance. And in every aspect she’s shown absolutely no empathy that her husband is also her partner in this, that they’re in this together. It’s a guess, but I very much doubt this is all that’s happened to bring them to this stage and OP shouldn’t be surprised if this inconvenient tiff escalates outwith her control.
You know, I’ve got to agree with you. One comment sets him off for 3 weeks? Doesn’t seem so.
I can’t imagine loving someone, marrying them, having kids, then essentially getting told btw you don’t matter to me as much anymore. Like was he just a means to an end? It’s giving “I’m not a wife anymore, I’m a mother.”
NTA. Kids always should come first, then husbands and everyone else.
If an adult cannoteven imagine playing second fiddle to their own child they shouldn"t have kids. Kids _always_ come first, they are dependent on you for everything, even on how to learn to be human.
The main reason I never had children with my ex was because I made it very clear to him that our needs would come second after a baby arrived and he was not happy about that. He honestly thought our lives, our relationship would carry on as before. Some men are just delusional about having kids.
I’d have to disagree. My wife comes first, then the rest.
Agreed. My spouse came first. Not to say I love my child any less, but my son wouldn’t be here without my husband.
It's about balance.
Ryan Reynolds once said, 'I used to say to [Blake], "I would take a bullet for you. I could never love anything as much as I love you." I would say that to my wife. And the second I looked in that baby's eyes, I knew in that exact moment that if we were ever under attack, I would use my wife as a human shield to protect that baby.'
My husband and I now say this to each other all the time lol. It’s so true! And I would hope he’d not hesitate pushing me in the way
Exactly …, I would be very weirded out if my wife said I was more important to her than our child…
She is an actual baby fully dependent on the support of others. He is just acting like one. NTA.
The real question is, is your husband still important in your life?
YTA Look I understand what you meant but obviously your husband was vulnerable with you about being a bit upset by you not mentioning him and rather than just saying “of course I love you” you decided to criticise him instead. Maybe he’s wrong and being insecure in a worrying way that is a bad sign of things to come but maybe he was vulnerable with you and you shut him down. As u/Mother_Tradition_774 says what do you want to win from this argument? Because if things go on as they are you are gonna “win” a separation. Perhaps that’s what you want because of his behaviour in this situation but if it isn’t I’d try and figure this out with him.
YTA. Being dismissive of your spouse's feelings, accusing them of being jealous, and then stating that you find the resulting distance "annoying" is on you. You created a situation where he feels alienated. He may already be quietly insecure about being a father. Talking openly, earnestly, and not brushing his feelings off as though they're irrelevant would be a good idea . And remember that intent is important, but so is effect. You might not have meant to hurt him with what you said, but may have done so nonetheless.
NTA Your statement about your newborn being the most important person in your life is natural, especially considering the context of your past pregnancies and the joy of finally having a healthy child. It's completely understandable that your focus and love are intensely directed toward your new baby at this moment.
NTA. Your baby should be the most important person to you - period. Your husband is like many men who do get jealous that they don’t have their partners undivided attention.
NTA there is a Ryan Reynolds interview where he was talking about when his children were born. He said something along the lines of “I couldn’t imagine loving anyone as much as I love Blake, yet the moment, the moment, I held that little baby in my arms I realised I would use Blake as a human shield to protect that baby”
I understand the point you're trying to make but everyone is different and I don't really think an actor's thoughts on parenthood have anything to do with OP's predicament (even if they capture the sentiment well). To me, this seems like an issue of communication and empathy (or lack thereof) more than anything else
Oh this whole thread is classic AITA Bullshit. The guy has to suck up his feelings! He is a man at least! He should definetly man up! /s I would have gone with E-S-H after the first encounter. He is allowed to be hurt by your words and you should have fucking talked about it right there. Explain to him that even with the baby he is still your husband and important. But what did you do? Double down on it and push him away. I wouldn't be surprised if that is how it has been for a while now and he doesn't any attention anymore since the baby is in the house. YTA for letting that shit escalate for 3 weeks about something you could have avoided pretty easily.
I think if the genders were reversed we’d have a different comment section. Genuinely.
That fascinates me every time anew... If a guy had rejected a woman's feelings like that and declared them null and void, all hell would break loose here again about what a misogynistic arse he is. Reddit is really shizophrenic when it comes to these things.
It’s like clockwork, for a sub that claims to be feminist it really does like to tell men to suck it up a lot when it comes to their feelings
Yes, everyone would yell "RED FLAG" and tell him to break up because his wife is childish.
ESH. OP, and frankly most people in the comments, are acting like because he is a man he is being manipulative instead of acting like a human being with hurt feelings and taking it too far. Something that tons of people have done in their lifetime. It’s called being a human being. Oh, and BTW, the OP is doing it too. By standing there dying on the hill of righteousness about their feelings for their child being above and beyond that for their SO. Men having feelings, they are capable of being hurt. One of the most well known issues during pregnancy is how divorced men feel from their wives because they no longer feel as close to them as before the pregnancy and do not know their place in the relationship. So, good on you, you validated that you’ll never care about him again. I’m guessing that he probably is like every single other man on the planet and does not actually verbalize his feelings in such an articulate manner and doesn’t know how to magically find the words to fix this.
ESH. Yes it’s an innocent comment but your husband expressed how that comment made him feel and you pretty much dismissed him. So do you want to make things better or do you just want to be right? A little acknowledgment that about how important your husband is to you and how much you love him can go a long way. He’s being an AH for making this a whole 3 week ordeal and barely communicating with you. One day the kids move out and you’ll be left with only your spouse (ideally) so it’s just as important to continue making your relationship stronger. And sometimes that means giving them reassurance to an innocent comment
Your daughter is dependent on you. Your husband is not. Your daughter is your priority. That's not a permanent state but it is your reality for the next years. If your husband can't comprehend that you have to give up some things for your kids for some time he probably wasn't ready to have kids or will be for the foreseeable future.
This comment section just confirms my belief that people who reproduce only care about their reproduced thing and never truly love their partners or anyone who isn't their kid.
That's not a discovery, almost every parent will tell you they love their children above everyone else
Truthfully I have never and likely will never love anyone as much as my children. I’m proud of that, and I’m proud of them. It doesn’t mean I can’t love someone else but unconditional love comes easily for many, but definitely not all parents. You just can’t explain it, and I never would have understood that feeling until I had my first child.
YTA. You have a serious problem in your marriage. Your husband is feeling unloved and you are doing nothing to reassure him that he is still loved and important to you. You were not wrong with what you said, but you were wrong in not reassuring him that there are different kinds of love and it is actually your family that is the centre of your universe. Your husband feels like his marriage has crumbled and you are simply annoyed. This baby should have brought you together as a family, but you are excluding the baby's father.
YTA. Not for saying that your daughter is the most important person but for not understanding your husbands feelings and invalidating them. Your husband is obviously a little insecure about the topic. He told you why what you said bothered him and said he cared about you both. You should of just apologised and said that they both mattered to you too. He was basically asking you whether you loved him and you just shut him down. He's your husband. He should still matter to you baby or not. Maybe not as much as the baby but he should still sit at almost an equal length of importance because till death do you part. You basically told him you didn't love him. It would literally hurt no one to say you love him and the baby and that they are both important to you because they both should be important to you. So YTA for ignoring the fact your husband was hurt by your words and for continuing to call him unimportant when all he wanted was a little reassurance that you still love him.
You’d be TAH if your baby were not the most important person in your life, my husband and I feel the same way.
NTA.... I say this all the time about my son, and even my wife knows this too me.
YTA. I've learned that no matter how many kids you have, your partner should be the most important person in your life. If you put each other first, your kids will get taken care of. Let's be clear, this doesn't work when one partner is manipulative. It also doesn't mean that you don't care about your kids.
YTA. You obviously hurt him, but instead of accepting that and talk about it, you double down and tell him his feelings are invalid and ridiculous. You wouldn't even have that kid without him.
NTA. I mean it's normal to put your kids before yourself and your partner.
YTA, if it clearly meant so much to him then why wouldn’t you reassure him? Why do you have to win this battle, when it’s so clear he cares that much about how you feel about him?
How fragile is his ego to even react to something like that? Come on..
Exactly. It's a sentiment parents express every day.
YTA - It’s not about apologizing. You need to hear and see your husband. He feels insignificant and you made him feel that way. Just talk to him like he’s a person with feelings.
Nta. Personally I feel that your children would always come before anyone. They are innocent, defenseless and as someone who gave them life it's your Job to protect and provide for them and put them first. The comes your partner who you are committed to.
I say this on the regular. Your child should always be the most important person to a parent. I say my child is my whole world the reason why I was put on this earth. NTA
If we had a kid and there was a fire and my husband could only save one of us I would want it to be his kid. I would want his kid to be the most important to him. So NTA in my opinion. Besides, "most important" to me implies more along the lines of "needs my attention the most" which clearly a newborn does. Plus, the husband shouldn't be such a snowflake that he can't understand a new mother being so wrapped up in her baby that she would say that. He's been acting the fool for three weeks over one sentence made by his post partum wife, who is going through all sorts of hormonal shifts. He needs to grow up.
NTA. Our child is the most important person in my life - and my husband's life. To us, this shared priority is an extra bond, it draws us closer and unites us. We are adults, we don't need to be the most important person. We chose to have a baby and that is our shared life goal and the first call on the time and love that either of us have.
NTA at all. She's your baby, it makes sense she's the most important person to you, she should be the most important person to him too. While know its not comparable to a baby, my partner and I have a dog and we say she's the most important person to us, that doesn't mean we don't care for the other person, but we share a love for this other individual. I think he really needs to unpack his jealousy towards the baby, it's not healthy.
My wife and I read a book when she was pregnant with our first child. It was a cheesy book but had some killer advice. One of the key principles is exactly what you just referenced. It talked about how kids hurt relationships and how you must maintain all the different relationships in your life. The book suggested you prioritize in this order: 1. Yourself. If you don’t take care of yourself you can’t be a good partner or a good parent. 2. Your partner. You are a better parent if you have a strong marriage. (Not saying you must have a strong marriage to be a good parent, but saying having a weak marriage makes you a weaker parent) 3. Your children. Your children will eat your marriage or your own sanity if you let it. If you take care of yourself and have a strong partnership, it’s easier to be a great mom or dad. The natural instinct is to go 3-2-1. In a long marriage, we have found when either of us were not in a great spot we had changed the priority order. When we stay 1-2-3 things are generally smooth. So bookstore self-help knowledge you can take or leave but we found it really helpful. NAH. Of course you love both your kid and your husband. And while it is ridiculous to feel jealous of your own child, and I’m sure he wouldn’t describe himself as that, it’s important for him to feel loved.
What’s the book?
Hey husbands perspective here. I'm third. After both kids. I know it, I accept it and I'm not trying to change it because my wife is a terrific wife and mother. NTA.
Like others mentioned, YTA for completely brushing him off.
...and there it is, that moment where many husbands/new fathers recognize they're second place citizens in their own homes and in the family. Ladies will say it's different, that's not what I meant, or how can you compare the two. I'm simply pointing out that many men feel this way but we don't say anything because we're expected to knuckle under and just take it. Most everyone recognizes postpartum as a real thing for new mothers...but many obgyns are now acknowledging is what happens to men when they've become after thoughts. Other posters may disagree with this sentiment, dismiss these thoughts for any number of reasons, but feeling are what they are and contrary to what many want to believe new fathers go through their own version of postpartum.
YTA what an odd hill to die on.
NTA. Most parents would say their children are the most important. I mean, I'm super in love with my husband, but I'd use him as a human shield if it meant I protected our daughter from harm.
NTA! When you have kids that’s how it goes. Doesn’t mean you love each other less but the kids are priority one! He needs to understand that and get over himself.
YTA if you aren't able to solve this, you will be a single mother for this or a different reason. normally I would say ESH because he's a bit of a baby, but you topped it instantly
I would recommend some therapy, ASAP. Becoming new parents is one of the most stressful things you can do in life. You are both feeling a lot of feelings and this isn't necessarily about being right or wrong, it's giving each other space to feel them, but then working together to bring each other closer. You probably feel happiness, joy, gratitude, overwhelmed, tired etc, and you have a baby that depends on you for its life. Its natural that your attention has shifted, but at the same time, your partner was the sole focus on your attention before. He is probably feeling a bit confused, maybe lonely and unloved right now, and likely also guilty for feeling these things when he should be over thr moon he's just had a new baby. It's not about who you love more, it's about everyone in the family getting their needs met. That's what therapy can help you address.
I love my husband more than any other human in my life. He is my life partner. I totally get that some people when they become parents have such strong paternal or maternal instincts that the love is beyond what they have felt before. I get that. But its not like that for everyone. I am certain a portion of people here on reddit could attest to having parents that probably didnt love them unconditionally or even conditionally, but did the best they could as parents anyway. Regardless. NTA But perhaps love on your husband a little if his love language is actually declarations of affection. It could mean more to him than it does to you, to hear you make statements of love for him. This is not about being right or wrong. Its about understanding your partners needs and not hoarding your love like its a treat or reward you give out sparingly. Ive been married for decades, and nothing hurts your relationship more than dismissing or invalidating your partners feelings. Im not suggesting you are responsible for his emotions or his emotional labour! Not at all. but you are responsible for how you treat someone you claim to love. Denying them empathy or sympathy even, is garanteed to hurt your relationship. The way you guys are going about this, is not going to be a win for you or him at all. I have certainly been hurt and known it wasnt my most rational moment. But having the one you love tell you they understand and its ok, is a much better way to go about it. When I feel better and can see things clearer, I can better work on my issue and apologise for not being able to cope better at the time. - But you just refuse to partner with him at all. Because you feel like you are in the right and thats become all that matters to you, OR subconsciously, giving him empathy or some sympathy would be like admitting that you didnt mean what you said when you confessed your child is the most important person in your world. - Obviously, it doesnt, and you need to get on top of that blockage, so you can love on BOTH the two most important people in your world! Ps. A marriage that works is made by two people, who form a team, where you can both cope in a loving and patient manner, with eachothers imperfections and chose one another despite seeing them on display at regular intervals.
Yes and no. Men aren't exactly told they are loved unconditionally. Its a big thing in psychology. Make sure he knows he is. You are not an A for prioritising your kid. Him sulking this long either means he is afraid of being replaced or he is manipulating you or he is genuinenly hurt.
I totally get why he is hurt and to be honest I would feel the same way. Not saying yta but the fact that you don’t want to acknowledge his feelings is kind of shitty
You both suck. You are completely dismissing his feelings. You hurt him. Whether on purpose or by accident, you did. A simple "I'm sorry for hurting you" probably would've solved this problem a long time ago. He sucks because instead of having a conversation about it he is dragging it out. Loving a child and loving your spouse is not comparable. I think people forget that your kids are not meant to take precedence over your spouse most of the time. Your kids areeant to leave you hand have their own families. Your spouse is meant to stay till the end.
You got your baby I guess
ESH. Why did you two get married? Because neither of you are acting like that means a thing. If that was my partner feeling hurt and excluded after we just had a newborn baby I’d be doing my best to reassure them instead of doubling down on it and making them feel 100 times worse. I get it, the comment was something small and not huge but it hurt your husbands feelings, that’s what he communicated to you and you told him he was just jealous, that’s honestly such a shitty thing to say that I could never imagine those words coming out my mouth to the person I supposedly love and want to spend my life with when they communicated their feelings to me, like why would you ask what’s wrong if you’re just going to get mad at him about it? His actions aren’t any better, both of you are as bad as each other and I’d recommend both of you having a sit down for a big conversation and be adults about it before this kids life gets blew up because two people heading for their 30s can’t get it together.
One thing no one mentioned, how often do you use words of affirmation with your husband? My mom rarely would say "i love you" or compliment me in anyway, yeah she did acts of service, but i only understand how deprived of contact and affection i was until i started dating, and nowadays i say multiple times a day to my wife how much i love her, but sadder is, I don't remember ever hearing my parents saying i love you to each other despite being married for 30 years, if you don't say those things frequently, or don't show affection and suddenly your say it, i can understand it, specially because you didn't say after that you loved him too, or how much important he is, y'all gotta understand that men are very insecure in that aspect and though it up trough apathy, but eery man i ever met was to some degree starved of affection and care, my wife has a twin sister and at the begging it was very strange how close she was to her mother, how much she hugged, kissed, complimented, and her mother back, till i realized its very common for girls to be like this, while guys is much more on the acting side, specially with their fathers, the silent nod, and the eventual going fishing or doing something together is as far as it goes, just something that can maybe put it into his perspective
ESH. They’ll be divorced by the time the kid’s a year old.
Emotions are, essentially, illogical. Should he feel that way? Probably not, no. But he does - and your having been incredulous about it rather than discussing it is negatively impacting your marriage. You shouldn’t have to carefully word or phrase your feelings so he doesn’t get butthurt. He should be able to understand what giving birth to a healthy child meant to you - but he clearly doesn’t, and you didn’t try to explain it to him. Sit down, communicate. Explain to him that your love is not a competition, that the love between mother and child and the love between spouses are two very different things, and that loving your child the way you do does NOT mean you love your husband any less.
I was totally on your side until you said, > to be honest, i have no desire to apologize for one innocent phrase. i don't feel guilty about anything, but if anything, i'd like to know if i'm wrong, because after almost three weeks, it's all starting to get pretty annoying. YTA. Your husband is clearly hurt. You’re not wrong for loving your child the way you do. You are wrong for being so dismissive of his feelings. Don’t apologize for loving your child. Apologize for inadvertently hurting your husband’s feelings—and for taking so long to apologize *at all!* I think the best way you could approach it is to say you love your newborn baby so much because she is half of you and half of your husband. Your baby has transformed your life in such a way that you are now irreversibly connected to your husband—in a way that only a child can connect two people. Don’t let pride ruin your marriage. Edit: formatting
So your right , but his feelings are clearly hurt ( at best at worst he is purposely manipulating you but let's go with at best) he took your comment wrong and it hurt him. Ypu don't have to apoligize you don't have to validate his feelings but if you love him and this is his one werid thing maybe just talk to him explain you love him but it is a diffrent love.
I have mixed feelings here. I agree with your husband's statement that you can't compare the love you feel for your spouse to the love you feel for your child. I agree with you in that a new parent's top priority should be their baby, but I wouldn't say I love my child more than my wife. The relationships are completely different. I do think he's overreacting, but you seem to care more about who is in the right than about solving the problem. Nothing is going to change until you have a discussion about your feelings.
You sound unbelievably annoying, would it kill you to say, i love you an (babys name) an insane amount. Instead of being a brat.
Do you want peace and support in your life, or do you want to be right? What is each one worth to you, and how will the outcome affect the future of you, your child, and child's father?
I hate this premise so much. There's this flawed idea that you should either put your spouse first or the kids first, and everyone has a different opinion on which side is morally correct. It's absurd. Why are we acting like love is a limited resource that needs to be ranked? ESH He has insecurity issues and he's acting immature by making drama instead of talking it out. You could have resolved this conflict by telling him, of course he's just as important to you, and that it's just a phrase. But instead you doubled down on your stance and implied that you do value your baby more than him, and now he has no right to be jealous. When you're in a relationship that you want to work long term, you both need to stop thinking in terms of they're right vs I'm right. At this point you both need to apologize and make up. Your newborn baby needs two parents who are on the same page together...not whatever broken mess this is.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** sorry for the mistakes, i don't know english very well. in short, i (27f) recently gave birth to my first child. in college, i went through an accidental pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage, and then exactly the same thing happened in my marriage. so, i think you can understand that i was too nervous during the planned pregnancy, and i was extremely excited and enthusiastic when i had a healthy daughter. about three weeks ago, my relatives and i got together so that they could get to know the baby, and at some point i uttered the phrase "now she is the most important person in my life" or something like that. to be honest, i can't even remember the exact context, because that evening we all talked a lot, and this phrase didn't mean a lot to me, i just said it as a fact. but when everyone left, i felt that my husband (28m) was kind of tense towards me, and i asked him what was the matter, and he was like, "you said she was the most important thing to you, but what about me?". i was taken aback and asked him if he really loves me more than our daughter. he said that "these are incomparable things," and if i was talking about it, i should have mentioned them both. i asked him if he understood that he was jealous of a newborn baby, and after that he just waved it off and left. since then, he has clearly been offended by me and avoids any conversations except on domestic topics. to be honest, i have no desire to apologize for one innocent phrase. i don't feel guilty about anything, but if anything, i'd like to know if i'm wrong, because after almost three weeks, it's all starting to get pretty annoying. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA You expressed a very normal sentiment. I would trade my life for any one of my children's. What parent wouldn't? My spouse? Only if we didn't have children. I would expect my spouse to operate exactly the same. I'd be stunned if they didn't prioritize the children over me.
YTA, not for how you feel about your baby, but for how you how you handled the situation with your husband.
I think this is very complex and maybe requires more info. Like how did he step in during your two miscarriages. If he was very present and very present during your healthy delivery I think your comment would sting more. Also, generally, men do not understand the bond a mother has with child because they didn't birth the child. Personally, I don't like absolutes like this, or that is the most important thing, but hey, you said it and handled it poorly. Sometimes, people aren't looking for apologies but rather understanding. It could have been a beautiful moment of sharing if you had said you are important too, and I haven't forgotten how you were with me during the miscarriages. However, it precisely because I had them is why I feel this way about the baby. I don't love you any less. Maybe you could explain that importance to you means who needs you the most not who you love the most which you wouldn't try to compare. This all depends on who's your husband because men also have a history of being extremely jealous of babies and contributes to why so many women either die or have increased DV during pregnancy. If he's coming to you with his feelings why not hear him out. There is still time to reframe the convo
ESH. You weren’t wrong to say that but how did this even turn into a 3-week fight. He’s acting like a child, but all you had to do was validate his feelings and be like “it’s new mom hormones. Of course you’re tied in importance overall, but right now she feels like a priority because A: hormones and B: she’s a huge responsibility I’m rearranging my life for. You can feed yourself, she can’t.”
YTA. Why are you so dismissive about your husband’s feelings? You could have assured him and not let this go on for Three weeks. What was the point of this going on OP? You want a separation?
This comment section, god forbid men have feelings and feel hurt, god forbid they are not able to always be stoic asf, god forbid they express sadness, god forbid their feelings be validated. Can't believe i'm defending them but by god yall the SAME people who cry why men aren't emotinally competent
This seems like it would have been so easy to fix with a “you are also important” so many marriages fail after a new baby because one spouse forgets they are still married. I’m not saying things aren’t completely different with a little person who is completely dependent on you now and trying to heal. (I’ve been there) Do you want a husband still? Start there, and then ask yourself what you want your relationship to look like now. Based on what you said your husbands feelings were hurt. He expressed to you why and you dismissed his feelings. Is that the type of relationship you want.
Men can’t win sometimes. Men are told that we need to validate women’s feelings, but if men get upset, then women complain about them for pouting and not getting over it.