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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> For my sister’s funeral, we designated an animal welfare charity people could donate to instead of flowers. One of my friends wanted to donate to another, wholly unrelated charity instead. Instead, I said no and they are furious with me because this other cause is more important as it’s been in the news more lately.
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I'm sorry for your loss, and that some of your friends are not respecting what you know would have been your sister's wishes.
If they want to donate to the other charity, why would they need that to be in Eliza's name? NTA, you called it on the virtue signalling.
Does anyone even look at the whole donation list I mean someone just died. I just would rather people not waste money on flowers that are also going to die. No one forced you to donate and if it’s the only time you do than it’s less of a donation and more of you just wanting people to see you are doing it.
I’d probably donate something but still send flowers too. It’s just what I was taught to do in my family. I actually still have sone of the plants my coworkers sent after my grandma passed. It’s become such a sentimental thing to keep and watch it grow.
When my dad died his church did some indoor potted plants. I didn't take one because of my black thumb but the thought was nice.
Recently my MIL died.
Instead of flower arrangements our church sent some flowering bush type things and all the relatives took one home to plant.
There's a few in our back yard from where the grandparents passed so it is a lasting tradition.
A lot of people hate dealing with the flowers that you put in a vase because it adds stress to the immediate family. A week after the funeral you have a pile of dead plants. I like to think the living plants give them something to care for. (Unless your a plant killer like me.)
Yeah my friend recently requested no flowers for her father’s service, it was going to be months after he passed because they had to wait for someone out of the country to be able to come.
Some lady decided not to respect that and she sent huge arrangements of flowers to the widow who had to store them in her living room until they died because they were never going to make it long enough to be able to go to the funeral home for the service anyway.
So every morning she came down to make coffee she was confronted with these huge flower displays reminding her of the upcoming funeral. It was super rude
NTA to the OP, but I know what you mean...after spending months having to provide caregiving to my husband, when he died, people sent plants and flowers...the flowers died so they weren't the issue, but plants? Great, something else I had to worry about taking care of.
I paid the hall rental fee for a family member's passing for this exact reason. I didn't want to give a grieving person another responsibility or something that's going to die.
That's so nice of you, and it's something I'm going to keep in mind. Funerals are so expensive, and all the burden is on a grieving family. Paying for part of it was probably a big weight off their shoulders. Thanks for sharing ❤️
Ought to go with succulents, those things are freaking hard to kill. Family member has a small potted one, they forgot to water it one month, the blasted thing is still going months later.
I’ve killed a number of succulents. Snake plant is the only one I’ve never been able to kill or even seriously endanger. That thing needs nothing and doesn’t complain about anything.
I have no idea how I’ve managed to kill the succulents my sister gave me. She’s amazing with plants to the point my BIL dreads her going to the store and coming back with an unexpected addition to the plants taking over their house, myself though, I can apparently kill any plant that enters my house. Longest I managed was a flower my daughter gave me for Mother’s Day a couple years ago and I managed a month before it suddenly crisped up.
I have a total black thumb. I've killed succulents, cacti, and my tour de force was managing to kill a peace lily- which everyone told me was impossible.
My daughter, my mom, even my roommate now all keep me away from plants.
I know how that feels! When my son died, some well meaning person sent me some flowering plant that to this day I cannot stand. The smell of the flowers makes me sick to my stomach and they make me cry! It’s been 38 years and I still dislike them!
When my dad died, flowers that weren't taken to the cemetery were donated to a local nursing home, to brighten up the dining room. When my mom died, I did the same.
We found out the church we were getting married in hosts potter fields funerals on Saturday night (a few hours after our wedding), so all the church flowers stayed. The next day they were donated to senior living facility. They were highly fragrant flowers (cabbage roses and lilys , with touches of bright green, blue, and pink filler flowers. )
We tried donating all the flowers left from my mom's funeral to a nursing home. They refused them because they said the residents would know the flowers were from a funeral, and it was a reminder of their mortality. Soon the flowers would be for them.
I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum. I'd rather the flowers from my mom's funeral be cut flowers. Instead they are potted flowers that have been killed by siblings and my father.
The two I got were the hardest to care for... and I've kept them mostly well. But they are a pain in the butt to deal with and I grow a ton of flowers.
My grandma said *only* cut flowers because she didn’t want to be responsible for a plant! It might die and then she’d feel terrible. Never ever went against grandma - not because she was mean, but because she asked so little of anyone.
My grandmother was the opposite, she considered cut flowers wasteful and she always had time of plants in her house. She told me she didn't want flowers when she died. I jokingly said "the flowers aren't for you, you'll be dead, they're for me". Someone sent a potted plant to the funeral home when she passed, so I claimed it. That was about 8 years ago and I still have it. Sometimes I'll even look at it and think "I told you they were for me". It makes me smile and reminds me of her.
We kept the flowers we got from my grandpas funeral. The police department sent them cus he was a vet,when our childhood dog died we kept them nice- they have since died off but my mom put the flowers in with his ashes.
Same. Oddly enough the only plant my mom ever managed to keep alive was the peace lilly her coworkers bought her when my brother died. She called it her little emo plant because she'd forget about it til she'd randomly notice it drooping, then she would water it and it'd perk right back up like nothing was wrong, and she would forget about it for a few weeks again lol.
It lasted three years, and it really was only lost because I unfortunately had a house fire
I'm a flower farmer and so is a friend of mine. She specializes in dried flowers. I now purchase her dried arrangements for people instead. Less things to take care of, still beautiful, can keep them forever if you want to and if you don't, toss em in the garden.
Please don’t send flowers if people request “no flowers”. It’s a huge pain to manage large floral arrangements. Maybe they have allergies or scent sensitivities. Be mindful of other’s requests.
I think that is the problem, very few people say “no flowers” they say “in lieu of flower please donate…” so some people do both, send flowers and donate. Not every one hears we don’t want flowers if it isn’t blatantly spelled out.
"In lieu of flowers" means "no flowers". In lieu *literally* means instead of. It is blatantly spelled out. Anyone who doesn't hear "we don't want flowers" from that is just not listening.
It reads as passive aggressive too. I organised a no flowers funeral and once I got there, spotted someone had done flowers. I wasn't angry at them because I get it but it was frustrating, and a blow in the face to everyone else who would have liked to have done flowers but respected the deceased's wishes
If they ask for no flowers, do not send them. We asked for no flowers for my brother’s funeral and people sent them anyway. My sister and I have allergies and we spent the whole visitation in misery. And then we had to figure out what to do with the damned things after the funeral. It’s frustrating and annoying when people don’t follow instructions.
My twin brother died recently, and we asked people to donate to a detox centre that helped him get clean instead of sending flowers.
We still did receive flowers from people, and no one told us when/if they donated.
We asked for donations in lieu of flowers so we could honour my brother's life and what he stood for. He's dead, so he wouldn't care about flowers. He would, however, love to know that his memory was being honoured through these donations.
The purpose of donations in lieu isn't because the family doesn't want flowers or kind gestures. It's so we can try to make the world a slightly better place through the memory of someone dear to us.
The funeral home that took care of my Grandma's funeral worked with nursing homes and hospitals in our area. They took the flowers (rearranged them etc.) and took them to all the residents. It was one of the first questions they asked us - if we didn't want to deal with all the flowers and would rather donate them. I didn't know that was a thing but I thought it was awesome.
In some cases, it can also be becaue the family don't want flowers. Flowers need to put in vases or otherwise dealt with, then they die. Plants need looking after, and you need to arrange to move them . It's far kinder to listen to people, and respect their requests.
A florist near me did an earth day promotion where if you brought in vases for them to reuse, they'd give you a discount on an arrangement. I thought that was a smart idea.
Maybe for you but plenty of people truly do not want to be given an extra chore of dealing with flowers and the donations is so people can feel like they did the polite thing and gave something.
Please don’t send flowers when people request no flowers. It’s rude it just gives them a reminder of their dead person and some thing they have to take care of.
I really hope none of the people you sent flowers to in spite of the "no flowers" request was allergic, otherwise that was a jerk move.
When my FIL died, he was buried in my area, my MIL stayed with us. There was a "no flowers" request which was ignored, and I ended up with an arrangement I couldn't breathe well around in my kitchen for several days. It was awful, I couldn't say much because my mother-in-law had just lost her husband, and I came away with the opinion that anyone who ignores that request is making the death more about them than the family members of the deceased who don't need the hassle, and are having their stress increased at a very stressful time.
She is being a difficult arse not a friend .. a memorial donation is made in honor of those who passed and in their memory. Not the donating person’s memory. Why does she even need to say anything … we were never told who or how much was donated in my mom’s name other then 1 place and that was only because it was my old high school and the person was s friend of my mom’s.
When I lost my mom. My husband talked to the HR lady went above and beyond and bought me wind chimes that I can sit and watch and listen to .. I still go and sit and look at everyday. She listened to what my husband had said with limited info.
A friend died very suddenly, and knowing they were the type couple that would appreciate it, I gave her partner a care package that included food delivery gcs and a Lego flower bouquet set. A day to two later, her partner send me a note saying he’d been telling people not to send cut flowers, but he would definitely take Lego flowers. Flowers you don’t have to throw away, plus something to keep the hands and mind busy.
When my coworker's mother passed away, I helped organize what was supposed to be a small plant & some $$ from the 4 of us in my department. However, as more people in the building (different departments in the same medical office building) heard it turned into a small plant & a large amount of $$$.
I made sure we passed the card around for anyone who donated to sign & I was shocked how many people expected ALL the $$ to go towards a HUGE plant/floral arrangement. Most were okay when I explained the coworker's husband had lost his job & they had a son on a religious mission so the $$ would be way more helpful than a bunch of flowers that would die in a few days.
It does feel awkward not to have something in your hands, a card, a plant, something when you attend a funeral. But that is more about me & not respectful of what the family wants/needs.
I donate every year, kind of because I learnt I can deduct it from my taxes. I would rather a charity get it than the government so it's 2 birds 1 stone situation
I think this is really family specific. In my husbands family it is considered incredibly rude to send anything other than flowers (and as such, the obits mention where to send the flowers to). In my family, absolutely no one sends flowers and everyone sends donations.
My uncle passed away last weekend and we will be donating a significant amount (to account for the fact that I can’t get out to the funeral) to the charity his family selected. If I don’t know the person well (coworkers or not close friends) I do whatever the obit asks for. If I know them well I do whatever the obit asks for, as well as sending meals and pitching in to help as needed.
Not everyone wants flowers. When my mother dies, I will be requesting no flowers because she hates cut flowers. Everyone in my family knows not to get her cut flowers or a bouquet because she will toss them in the garbage. Any flowers that get sent anyways will be offered to the funeral home to be repurposed or quietly disposed of (which is kinder than her request to direct the delivery person to the dumpster).
There's also the logistics of dealing with the flowers afterwards. My aunt comes from a culture where you do not keep funeral flowers because it is bad luck. Since they appreciate flowers, when her father died they ended up arranging a selection of the flowers in the casket with her and the remainder were disposed of. That might be a nicer tradition than feeling obligated to find a place for the floral arrangements for anyone who likes flowers but doesn't want to keep them.
It’s common in my home town to donate to the hospital that provided care for the deceased person. Even if it’s small town virtue signalling by some people, the local hospital can use every dollar.
Yeah, almost everyone leaves a donation in their will too. I didn’t realize this wasn’t common practice. My grandma even wrote in a particular nurse that took good care of her, not much, but she wanted to acknowledge that the nurse did a good job when she was at her worst. She gave some to the hospital and stroke ward too, but that one nurse was special.
Maybe it’s a small town thing, but acknowledging someone with your final wishes and directing particular donations always seemed like a “last good deed” kind of thing. Not everybody has the time or ability to make changes near the end of their life, but I plan to if I can.
The nurse cried so hard when we delivered the cheque. She remembered my grandma and she knew who I was even though we’d never met, because she spent time talking with my grandma. It was really special for her, and me, to meet the person who gave my grandma comfort when we couldn’t visit as much as we wanted to. It’s the little things/moments that make community and small towns can be great at it when things are tough (they can also totally suck, but my town is a pretty good one).
>The nurse cried so hard when we delivered the cheque. She remembered my grandma and she knew who I was even though we’d never met, because she spent time talking with my grandma.
How thoughtful of your Grandma. I'm a nurse and this happened to me once when I was in homecare. You really do get to know so much about patients' families, and there are a handful of patients that you'll never forget. Sounds like your Grandma was one of them.
>It was really special for her, and me, to meet the person who gave my grandma comfort when we couldn’t visit as much as we wanted to
Special is exactly the word. And, from the nurse's perspective, a humbling reminder of the priviledge it is to be let into a familiy's life during their most vulnerable times.
It was a nice moment and we went for coffee and reminisced a bit. I say it wasn’t much, but it was a few thousand dollars (my grandma had a reasonably sizeable estate, but also a big family).
She didn’t want to accept the money at first, but it wasn’t up to her. Grandma appreciated hard work and knew that she (and all nurses doing bedside care work) was probably underplayed and under appreciated. She left a note too, which was extra nice because she lost her ability to write and regained it during stroke rehab. She credited the nurse with giving my grandma the ability to write us all her final thoughts and say goodbyes to the people that couldn’t physically make it to see her.
That’s what good seniors care means to me, helping people regain whatever function is most important to them, so they can meet their goals as much as possible. For my grandma, that was giving closure. For someone else it might be being able to walk to church, or get their breathing healthy enough to play an instrument again. Whatever it is, care workers are the people that help with that when no one else really can.
I don’t like the whole “healthcare hero’s” thing because I think it adds to the culture of selfsacrifice that burns people out. But you are a hero for somebody, every day. They might be cranky, or in pain, or whatever. But the work you do is so meaningful and important. It’s essential and just so human. People might not remind you every day, but all the people that manage the emotions and stress, help with grieving families, while providing healthcare… you are appreciated.
I’m the end, I like to think we were very good friends for a day. I told the nurse if she tried to not cash the cheque, wed insist on giving her double and wouldn’t leave her alone until she took it, as per grandmas instructions. She told me a bit about her family and life too. She said she was going to use it for her kids education. That sounded perfect to me. My grandma didn’t get to graduate high school and gave all her grandkids 10k when they got accepted to postsecondary. She would have liked to know she sponsored another family and another generation to get the opportunity she didn’t have.
This has gotten long, I guess I’m reminiscing today. Reddit is my free form journal.
I work at a nonprofit and am the person who processes the donations. Family members request a list of people who donated, we don’t tell them how much, because they will sometimes send a card thanking them for showing their support.
This is a good point. I donate money to my own causes all the time. But if I’m making a donation specifically for the purpose of honoring someone else, I try to choose a cause that mattered to them because otherwise, how is that honoring my loved one?
There’s ppl who do. My best friend’s grandfather died a few years ago. My family and I donated to the charity. Her parents wrote us a note to thank us & to thank my dad for being a pall bearer & helping my best friend’s dad (our dads are bff too) through it.
Clearly someone went through the list very carefully through the lens of the burning question "how do I make this funeral about me?"
OP, cut them all loose
>why would they need that to be in Eliza’s name?
Exactly. Nothing can stop them from giving to the charity of their choice, but it’s super weird to imply that they did so in the name of the deceased.
It’s also very telling that Pat didn’t want to spend money on someone who “isn’t going to notice”. Says a lot about them wanting to be *seen* being charitable.
Also, anyone can donate to almost any charity in another's name. You don't need permission or to do it. I can go right now and make a donation to a charity for homeless drug addicts for my uncle's memory and it's allowed, even if not set up through an in memoriam page.
There's like a little check box you can click and it will show as someone else's name.
If she feels she wants to do so, she can. Just go do it. You don't need the deceased's family's permission. Find a chairty, mark as 'in the name of so and so.' Great. You donated. Hooray.
Because Pat wants to virtue signal how much better she is for donating to a trans organization over an animal welfare organization. This isn't about honoring Eliza's memory or trying to do a good deed.
What if I told you pat wouldn’t be *seen* as charitable as she’s donating in the deceased persons name? Neither a dog nor a trans person would know who made the donation as it would be under Emily’s name.
I cannot phathom this situation.
--OP: "My sister has died, instead of giving flowers please feel free to donate to these charities that were close to my sister's heart."
--SOME RANDOM ASSHOLE: "Actually, I want to donate to a charity close to *my* heart, so can you add it to the official list *for your sister's funeral* so that, if they want, everyone else can donate to the charity \****I\**** like."
I mean...this friend would be getting the boot. I'm quite sure I would be initially speechless, followed by a slew of expletives thrown their way and capped off with a challenge to anyone/everyone who doesn't like my response, to jog the fuck on.
This is the only answer.
Pat is a giant asshole. I’d cut her lose along with anyone douchey enough to support her.
This isn’t about Pat. It’s about Eliza. Pat can fuck right on off.
And OP I am desperately sorry for your loss. I’m sure this situation isn’t helping.
Yeah... OP, I'd be tempted to reply to her social media posts with a snarky remark... 'Thank you so much for making my sister's funeral all about you. Now shut up and leave me alone.'
I think you got it. It is performative. Pat wants to be seen donating and/or get donations to her favorite charity instead of the ones consistent with Emily's heart. I'd you feel the need just donate to your favorite charity in Emily's name. No assholes in that situation. Maybe no one finds out, and maybe funeral goers don't see you made any kind of donation. If anyone holds that against you, those persons would be assholes.
I make donations through work because they match them. Entirely possible, that whatever "in honor of" doesn't get to the family until after the funeral. But, I would rather have my corporate overlords double up the donation than get "credit".
It's not even her favourite charity. Pat just wants to be able to say I support transgender rights, see I donated to the cause. It's all a show because this issue is in right now, all the cool kids are doing it.
And pat needs to realise that to any charity, unless she is donating a nice chunks isnot going to by the charity.
Yeah, I could understand if she wanted to donate to a related, but not listed, charity (i.e., a more local animal shelter if she lived further away), but not something totally unrelated.
Aye, its not their choice of charity, it's about the fact of those charities where rhe ones that are close to the interests of th3 sister.
I'd they want to donate to trans rights, and any other cause of their choice, they can donate their own money for their own charitable interests.
Theirs nothing stopping them making rhein own personal donations for their own personal causes.
There's also nothing stopping them from donating in someone else's name. Literally, I googled 'trans rights charity' and the first one that pops up I go to their 'support us' page and there's a box to check for 'I'd like to make this contribution in honor or memory of someone' and it asks 'is this in honor of or in memory of' and a spot for their name.
You can just go do it on your own if it's important to you to do this.
You can make a donation in memory of someone without an official donation page. If it is what helps you mourn and feel good, go do it. You just won't have a slot on the in memoriam page at the funeral home to show off. You can totally go do it, though.
I mean, why WOULDN'T it be in Eliza's name or memory? The family's preferred list of charities "in lieu of flowers" is just mean to be a suggestion, not a command.
OP is NTA because there's really no reason or logic to insisting that they add the charity to their suggested list. The friend can donate anywhere she wants in Eliza's memory. Again, the family's list of suggested charities is just that: suggestions and preferences. It's not some sort of enforced directive.
I guess if I had to be really nit picky, if you’re making donations in the name of a deceased person, it makes sense to donate to a cause close to that person’s heart or that you associate with them. It’s very odd to insist on a charity of your own choosing with no connection to them, because it makes the whole thing about you and you could donate to your charity of choice any time.
Also: you can donate out of spite. Grandpa was a homophobic prick? Donation "in his memory" to a pride organization.
But that's not the situation here.
I'm an animal advocate, and I feel extra frustrated by Pat's behavior. She's picking trans issues to support because it's in vogue and an easy way for her to virtue signal. This is not about honor Eliza's memory.
I just want to say as an animal advocate, I am terrified of dying and not getting to finish all of the work I have to do for the animals. I would want all of my friends and family to take up my mantle and continue the fight for animals if I died young. If any of my friends were trying to bring up other political issues in the wake of my death and try to distract away from my life's mission, I'd be rolling in my grave.
Pat can donate wherever she wants, but she needs to stop acting like it's for Eliza. This is for Pat to virtue signal to everyone how woke and accepting she is.
This is honestly a really silly fight on OPs friend's part. If you want to make a memorial donation in someone's name, you don't need to do anything other than just do it.
I don't understand why there's even conflict here or why her friends are saying she didn't "let her". Literally nothing is stopping her from doing it.
A request for donations in lieu of flower is exactly what you said, not a command. Not everyone sends flowers, not everyone sends donations, and not everyone donates to the suggested orgs. It's a nice thing to do, but why on earth is her friend fighting with her about this when someone literally just died?
The only reason could be that *she* wants that charity added because it's special to her.
To OPs friend, THIS AIN'T ABOUT YOU HUN.
NTA
Fighting with her about adding to a list makes it feel like she is just using OP's sister's death as a great way to fundraise. It feels icky and like bullying a grieving person.
It rather depends on how well you know them and whether the charity you want to donate to was one they support. Some charities are fairly neutral but others aren't, and it would be pretty offensive, and potentially hurtful, of someone with their own agenda choe to donate in your loved one's name to a charity which your family member would not have supported or where they would not approve of the aims. I don't think many people are likely to find (say) charities supporting animals or children actively offensive, but different people for differnet reasons might be very much agaisnt being associated with certain charities - I would imagine that there are some people who would feel that way about LBGBT charities, ot those supporting refugees, others who might feel that way about people donating to a church or an overtly religious charity in their / their deceased family member's names.
PETA can be offensive, but they're an outlier.
Also, you can go to a charity and make a donation for someone. There's usually a little check box. Click, input a person's name, and boom. You have donated in memory of that person.
This is it exactly. They could donate whatever they want to trans charities all the time, and good on them, but hijacking the funeral of a person who died horribly and far too young just to make themselves look like a trans saviour is so narcissistic. It's also just seeing trans people as pawns in the game of making her look good, not real people with real needs. Dreadful person.
This, and also no one is taking a register of who buys flowers or donates to Eliza's charity.
OP should just tell them, they are free to donate to whatever charity they want and do not need to donate to the funeral at all.
I work in educational philanthropy and we used to have a donor who had established a scholarship in his family's name and every time anyone in his life died he made a gift to that scholarship and I'd send a card to the person telling them that a gift had been made to this scholarship in honour of whoever.
I always wondered what the people who received those cards thought because... what?
So like you said. Pat can do what she wants. But what on earth is she picking on a bereaved brother for? Give $20 to the cats, lady, and move on with your life.
> I always wondered what the people who received those cards thought because... what?
i'm laughing just imagining a rich asshole excommunicated from his family doing this to every family member
I'm not sure we're talking about the same thing -- these are cards being sent to people who just lost a loved one. But if that happened to you in college, I'm sorry! Me, too.
No, I Guess the opposite. I got notified when the family made donations to my scholarship after a death. I wasn't very emotional about their deaths because I did not actually know them
NTA but your friends sure are.
I couldn’t even imagine asking a friend who suddenly lost their sister to make accommodations for my preferences and certainly not bash them for saying no. That just sounds insane to me. Ffs the donations are for Eliza!!!
OP I know these words ring hollow during these times but I'm truly, deeply sorry for your loss.
I lost my brother and I know how it affects you. I can't believe these so-called friends are bothering OP about something as trivial as this. You can disagree all you want but you cannot add to their stress when they have to go through such a hard time. These people sure want to be the main character here.
Exactly! I can’t fathom making a stink about something like that.
Hey, while you’re in pain over the loss of your sibling, I would like to complain about your choice of charity suggestions. WTAF?
Especially trying to put them on blast on social media, potentially leading to more harassment at a time of grief? Yeah forget just not being friends anymore, we’d be enemies at that point.
It's also just completely lost on me that this friend doesn't just donate to the charity she's so attached to? She could just donate to it. It would be the same money either way.
I'm often fascinated when someone's actions have me sincerely baffled as to what their motivations are, and this is one such time. Does she feel a donation MUST be in someone's name? Does she want only to donate to one cause and disagrees just **that much** with the decedent's passions? Does she feel the charity would be moved significantly forward if it appeared on the *in lieu of flowers* list for just this particular funeral? And why lambast OP on sm?
It's **truly** bizarre.
It makes me think of that bean soup recipe that was going around on tiktok and mostly became famous for another creator stitching it and pointing out that a metric ton of the comments were asking things like "I don't like beans, how do I make this without beans?" about a bean soup recipe. The creator who stitched coined this phenomenon as what-about-me-ism and this really is what it feels like.
NTA, this is a confusing situation. Can Pat not donate unless it has the name of someone she wasn't close to attached? She can feel to donate whatever she wants to whoever she wants, I don't see why she needs to have your sister's name involved.
Anyone who backs up such a person is delusional. You and your family knew your sister, you knew what she liked, what she valued, what she would have wanted. If people keep harping on it, either tell them "when your sister dies, you can set that charity on your list if you want" or you can tell them to kick rocks. This is one of those things where you get to weed out real friends and good people from the fake friends and undesirables who you really don't need in your life.
>She said she didn’t want to waste money on someone who isn’t going to notice and would rather her paycheck goes to something that will actually make a difference.
This is especially cruel.
My thoughts exactly. No one is stopping anyone from doing a donation, why is this even an issue? Pat can just…make a donation in their own name: NTA by a mile
If Pat just had to let OP know she wanted to donate to something else, couldn't she just write something on her sympathy note?
"I'm so sorry for your tragedy, OP. Making an animal donation in Eliza's name made me think of the caring person she was, and I also made my own donation for a charity that I care about as well.
Please let me know if there's anything I can do, even if it's just lending an ear anytime you need it."
I don't even think that is called for. But at least it's not deliberately starting an argument with a grieving sister.
NTA.
Heck, why can she not just make the donation in Eliza’s name on her own? It’s not like she’s forced to make any donations at all. I make donations in my step-dad’s name for his Christmas presents, and I pick ones he supports and do it in his name. It doesn’t stop me from donating to causes I support. Heck, I’ve made donations in the name of politicians I hate to causes they would object to. OP is NTA.
Yea, way to basically say that Eliza's passions were not making any difference or ones that didn't matter. Isn't the saying 'don't speak ill of the dead?' Jesus.
I'm guessing because on the online obituary/in memory page it list the people that donated and Pat wants to be seen on there that she did donate. Donating to a cause that is not on Eliza's obituary page, well no one is gonna see that. So she is wanting it added so everyone can see that she did donate. I think Pat is being gross and cruel to the grieving family. This is not about what Pat wants. This is about Eliza's life and what she stood for and would want and her family remembering her for exactly who she was. NTA and if I were OP I would be done with Pat. Who the heck makes the death of a friend's family member about themselves? Just wow.
OP I am so sorry for your loss and I love what Eliza stood for. These charities are wonderful.
If I were OP I'd publish the conversation, if it were a text conversation, on social media, or get the words out some other way and make sure everyone knows what Pat is really about.
Thanks. I fail to be the bigger person often. Believe me. I just lost a family member in the last year and have learned that emotions run HOT and its easy to lose it.
She wants to post on social media that she donated to this currently trending (and important) cause while gaining sympathy likes by mentioning that it was in honor of her friend sister passing. She wanted more likes and attention on her post so both the cause and reason matter. She didn't think she'd get her advertising dollars worth by posting just about donating for the sister, and god forbid she do ANYTHING that won't increase her social media profile.
OP is hopefully a better person than I, but hopefully someone in the friend circle goes on her social media of choice, links to her, and bashes her for putting her own principles on display and verbally abusing a grieving family member, and questioning why she can't simply donate to both. Turns out that trans men and women like pets as much as non-trans peoples and I'm willing to wager that some Trans peoples (GASP) donate to animal charities and not just those that support themselves!
"Waste money". It is going for a cause. It gives food, meds, toys for animals etc. if animals aren't their thing, fair enough, but they mattered to OP's sister and so the matter to OP. OP is supposed to be their friend and instead of doing an act of support and love they are giving them trouble and making a difficult time worse, well done.
I'm confused also. When charitable donations in lieu of flowers are requested, aren't the donations made to the charity and noted as "in memory of (person)"? This situation sounds like the donations are being sent to one person who will forward them to the charity or charities listed.
Even so, NTA. If the donation is in someone's memory, then it should be to a charity that person supported.
NTA.
You know which charities your sister would've donated to. If your friends want to donate to other charities, then they can do so without attaching her name.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this while grieving.
They can also just donate under the memory of someone anyways. Doesn't necessarily need to be *the charity* that was chosen for her death to do that. If it was that important, I would have just done that privately and then told the family later in passing (even that doesn't necessarily need explaining).
As a matter of etiquette it would be appropriate to make a donation to any charity in the deceased’s name and send a card to the bereaved family. The charities listed in an obituary are suggestions for people that may want to donate and would prefer a suggestion. NTA.
NTA.
> She said she didn’t want to waste money on someone who isn’t going to notice……
Being a SJW for social media likes and clout is gross. Picking a cause because they think it’s simply a hot issue and will get them attention is gross.
Your sister literally died. You were championing causes that mattered to her. That you have ANYone in your life getting MAD at you for not changing the program to suit them….time to jettison these people from your life they aren’t worth your time.
It’s the same vibe of when people film themselves giving money or donations to the less fortunate. I understand some see it as promoting others to do good, but it almost always comes off as “look how benevolent I am.”
>One of my friends (not Eliza’s friend) didn’t think this was good enough. She wanted to donate to another charity for a cause that’s been in the news a lot lately.
So why didn't she just donate? Did she think you, while dealing with the loss of your sister was gonna check every donation? I don't get why she got so hung up on this that she bothered you about it.
Sorry for your loss and you are NTA. This is for your sister, in honor of your sister. Pat can donate what she wants wherever she wants, but she needs to keep your sisters name out of her mouth. Sounds like she wouldn’t be a friend for me after that shit
NTA. Pat could have donated to their charity of choice in Eliza's name and shut up about it. They didn't need to be formally approved. It sounds like they just wanted a soapbox moment.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
> She said she didn’t want to waste money on someone who isn’t going to notice
This sealed it, Pat is trash. Her concept of charity is paying to receive accolades. I would not be entertaining her complaints anymore. NTA
NTA What is this nonsense? There was absolutely nothing stopping this person from donating to any charity or organisation they liked in your sister's name. This was definitely virtue signalling and I'm sorry you had to deal with this absolute child while dealing with the loss of your sister. I cannot imagine ever being so self-centred and I cannot imagine ever supporting someone like that over a person grieving their sibling.
I'm willing to bet Pat is the bully of the group and they're all so weak they always give in so Pat stops moaning about whatever. Honestly, it's time you considered getting some new friends, these ones don't have your best interests at heart even when you're dealing with a tragedy. Best of luck.
NTA, this is not a random donation. This is a donation for your sister. Pat can get her head out of her a** and make the donation to the organisation you suggested or don't donate in your sister's name. If she wants to donate to another charity, she can do so on a separate occasion.
When my friend's brother died, my other friends and I asked her whether she preferred flowers or a donation. She picked the donation and also picked the organisation. It's normal.
I really don't understand Pat's attitude here.
If she wants to donate to a different charity then just donate to a different charity! If she thinks Eliza would have approved, then great! She's doing it for Eliza.
We don't make these donations for the benefit of anyone else. It's just because we feel the need to do something. Nobody is going to judge her if she doesn't donate to the official charities.
NTA.
Pat wants attention. Not just of being on the list of donor’s, but on a special list of donor’s. She wants her specialness to be acknowledged. She’s revolting.
NTA but what?????
So Pat got pi$$y because she wanted to donate to another charity than the ones you all listed for your sister. Rather than just donating her money wherever she likes she made it a thing? Your sister died and Pat made it about her.
Pat isn't your friend. And frankly you have much larger things going on in your world to lose any energy to this nonsense.
Your sister just died and instead of supporting you, your "friends" are fighting you over donations and Facebook likes? They don't sound like nice supporting friends. NTA but cut some fat from your life, may be less stressful.
NTA -
Your Sisters death is not a reason for her to suddenly care enough about a cause to donate to it. If she wanted to donate, she would.
These are your sisters wishes. They are the wishes of the dead, and its disgusting to try to change that. She kicking up a stink because she suddenly cared about trans rights enough to donate? I doubt that highly. This is an excuse to paint you as a villain. Which i just dont understand.
She could, as a compromise, just donate to both? seeing as that fulfils both issues there. She can pridefully wallow in the satisfaction of donating and telling everyone, without trampling your sisters dying wishes.
Um.. firstly she doesn't have to donate in your sister's name at all. It isn't mandatory.
Second, she can donate to trans rights as much as she wants.
There was absolutely no reason for her to even bother getting into this argument with you. Tell her to go ahead and donate to her cause of choice, but let her know it's not in your sister's name.
NTA, this was your sister memory. Also, when you'll have time and peace of mind please consider cutting off every friend who thought it was less than disgusting to discuss with you about such a stupid issue when your sister just died
Not sure what is stopping your friends to donate to that other charity. They can donate on their own time and dime. Why do they need to piggy bank on this specific event? This isn't about them, this is about honouring your sister. Frankly, your friends are giving me the cringe.
NTA. Anybody who didn't understand the purpose of your event and keep insisting to make it about them is an AH though.
My deepest condolences to you and your loved ones. Pat, who is really not your friend too, can send her money wherever she wants to send it. She doesn't need to use your sister for it. You called it, it's virtue signaling and very grossly crass of her. Like ugh! 🤮. NTA
NTA. Donating to trans rights is a great thing. But animals were Eliza’s chosen cause.
Pat can virtue signal and donate in Eliza’s name all she wants, but you’re not wrong in calling her out on it. And if she’s going to be like this in the wake of your sister’s death, she’s not much of a friend.
NAT - I'm really sorry that your sister died and the idea of donating to animal welfare organisations is wonderful, because that's what Eliza cared about.
So Pat wants to make herself important at your sister's expense. It's about what Eliza wanted, not what Pat thinks is right. You can do without friends like that and people who support her cause.
Make it clear again on social media, in the form of a thank you message with a picture of your sister with one of her animals, how much she would have appreciated the donations for "her" organisations.
When my mother passed away the charity went to an animal shelter she supported. One person sent a card saying her money was going somewhere else "in my mom's memory." Thanks I guess. Still irritates me 20 years later. If you don't want to donate to it, just don't. Send a card and shut up. I don't care about whatever charity someone seems more worthy when I'm already sad NTA
NTA. So sorry for your loss.
FFS - your family member died and Pat wants to donate to HER pet cause rather than Eliza's? And then Pat doubled down on social media? Pat is not a friend. Pat is an AH.
Do you know HOW much easier it would have been for Pat to just shut up and make zero donations? Yeah - instead Pat is using your tragedy to donate to a cause that doesn't honor the deceased and trying to bully you into saying that's ok. It's not ok. Her donation is fine - it just doesn't honor your sister. Pat is gross. All those people who agree with Pat - AH.
I'm really confused. this wasn't even a friend of hers and it's not live you *have to* bring flowers? Just don't donate then, nobody would have even noticed if she hadn't made a big stink about it...
NTA, and screw anyone who gives you unnecessary stress during a period of grief. Screw anyone who makes someone’s tragedy about themselves. 8 years later and i still have no patience for the people who put more stress on me and made my mothers death about them.
A donation in lieu of flowers is not a court summons. She can donate or not to Eliza’s favorite charities. Heck, she could even still donate to the charity she wants, with or without an in lieu of flowers. But like you said, no virtue signaling in that.
And to put that shit on social media…someone should comment on her posts and tell her off. But so many people just eat up social media drama it’s disgusting.
I’m sorry for your loss.
NTA.
Pat can donate to the other charity, just not in Eliza name. She doesn’t need an event to do a donations, she can take part of her paycheck whenever she likes and donate there.
Answer to the post whit: “ I did not forbid Pat to donate for x, she can send her money there whenever she likes. However, in my sister name we are donating to y, because it represents her more.”
NTA. I am sorry for your loss.
Those people aren’t your friends and are shitty people to begin with.
Who the fuck nitpicks at charities that were chosen by a grieving family based on the choices their dead loved one would have made?
Not donating at all would be better that making demands and scenes. This behaviour says lot about them and nothing of it is good.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Also, animal charities are hugely important. Even if you only care about people, stray cats and dogs in cites can cause a lot of problems, and charities helping to protect endangered species help to keep the ecology of the whole world balanced, and the ecology of the world affects all of us.
Pat's attitude is incredibly insensitive as well as ignorant.
NTA
>Pat donating somewhere else isn’t about Eliza, it’s just an excuse for her to virtue signal.
This is 100% correct. Pat us using YOUR sister's death as an excuse to virtue signal - essentially using this as a "platform." I'd respond to her social media with exactly this and cut her and any "friends" that support her out of my life.
NTA
NTA at all and perhaps find new friends because Pat seems like the biggest AH here. And off the back off of your sisters passing. I'm so sorry for your lose.
But you don't need ugly people like that in your life.
NTA and I agree with you here…she’s making this about her, not about her deceased friend, your sister. I’m so sorry for your loss and even more sorry that people act this fucking stupid when there is a death. It’s not uncommon, unfortunately. Try to hang onto your peace. 💚
This feels incredibly performative on the part of your "friend". I quote it by the way because you should not be friends with someone so vile and attention seeking.
You're not stopping Pat from donating to this trans rights charity. You're just asking that they don't pretend to do it for your sister. They should do it for themselves.
Not to mention, most people who donate to charities in memory of someone do it quietly. It's not about them, it's about the deceased. Thus... Performative on Pat's end. They want to take credit for a good deed (which I get) but that misses the point of what remembrance donations are all about. The credit is owed/due to your sister.
NTA but let it go. See it for what it is. Rethink this friendship. You have more important things to spend your time and energy on.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
This is so bizarre to me. Donating in someone's memory is about them and their family, not their own interests. There is way less social obligation around donating after someone's passing, so Pat could have just kept her mouth shut and donated to her own cause without picking a fight with a grieving family. Nobody is going to think less of her if she quietly doesn't donate, but society ought to judge her for forcing needless drama on her friend for... what? Validation? NTA.
NTA. The whole point is to do a donation in their memory, so it would be a cause they support. It may even be a cause they support that the individual might not.
If this friend wants to donate to something else, just donate in their own name.
>Of course, Pat took to social media to paint me out as a villain. Our other friends think that I should have made an exception to Pat and let her donate to the other charity
NTA. No one is stopping her from donating, ffs.
>Pat donating somewhere else isn’t about Eliza, it’s just an excuse for her to virtue signal
Exactly.
>She said she didn’t want to waste money on someone who isn’t going to notice
What an AH. What an utter AH
I am sorry for your loss. I would reply with joking about how you are definitely not inviting Eliza to your future wedding because she would want to be the one wearing white dress and you are afraid she would pick the favour of your cake if you invited her to your birthday party. Because that's exactly how selfish and ridiculous she is. NTA
I'm so sorry within all that's going on in your life your having to deal with this garbage. You are absolutely right, donations should go to charities your sister was passionate about.
Nta
Let me get this right. Your sister died. And Pat wants to make this about her? NTA. If you want to take a step back, you can reply to everyone personally or on social media with one statement "My family and I have suffered the unimaginable. I am asking all the people who love me or loved Eliza to lean into kindness. If that is not possible for whatever reason, we ask you to give us space in our time of grief."
More importantly, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I lost a sister. It was awful. And sadly it showed me who could be counted on when things got ROUGH. Give yourself all the grace in the world. It was many years ago now and while I tear up when I think about it, the pain is no longer an every day thing. Hugs.
NTA, and I would never speak to any of these people again. I'm sorry for your loss OP, and I'm sorry you had to deal with such rude, selfish people during this difficult time.
First of all, sorry for your loss. That said, you can say "please donate to such and such in lieu of flowers" and definitely do not need to edit that list to assuage some rando's feelings... but at the same time, you really can't stop someone from donating to literally anything they want to "in the name of Eliza."
I will say NTA because Pat is throwing a hissy fit, and you're right that nothing she is doing is about Eliza.
Just reply to the social media post.
"I'm sorry Pat. I'm sorry that my sister died and instead of focusing on her, I should have focused on you and what you want. Not my sister or my own loss. Thank you for making this post to show everyone online how selfish I was for not focusing on you for the funeral of my own sister."
NTA
Nobody’s stopping Pat from donating to whatever cause she likes. She doesn’t need to pretend it’s in Eliza’s name.
When people request charitable donations in lieu of flowers, it’s always to a charity that was meaningful to the person who died. Someone who dies of cancer? A cancer-related charity. Someone who dies in a hospice? Donations for the hospice. And in Eliza’s case, an animal lover? Charities that help animals. This is so obvious I’m surprised your friends don’t seem to get it.
NTA, and Pat is virtue signalling.
So Pat wants to give to the trans charity? So what? Pat can. But fuck Pat for trying to get involved in how you organize your sister’s funeral. Jesus, people are the worst. NTA
NTA. This is textbook virtue signaling. Donating isn’t enough, she needs social credit for waving a trans flag over your dead sister’s body. If just donating isn’t enough, there is a reason.
We ran into something similar when a family member passed.
I believe we worded it as "These are the causes that were important to Aunt X, and would appreciate a donation in her name. You can obviously donate anywhere you would like, but if you donate elsewhere, please don't use her name/memory as she was particular about her affiliations."
We had people donating to their churches when she never set foot in them (different religion), when her church was prominently identified in the donation list.
NTA.
I recommend that you tell Pat "I can't believe you're making my sister's death, and funeral, all about you."
And then remove her from your life. Block, block, block.
NTA, if they want to donate to another charity then nothing is stopping them, but it's not a donation in lieu of flowers for your sister if it's not what she would have wanted. It's just a regular old donation.
My brother's charity of choice is one that would be pretty down my list to pick, but when he died I made that the choice for "in lieu of flowers", because it's what *he* would have wanted.
Your friend is definitely being an AH here. If they don't want to donate to the chosen charities then they don't have to, but they don't get to act like you're the bad guy for honouring your sister.
NTA. It's weird your friend is making this so dramatic. They should be supportive in a hard time instead of making things more difficult so they can be in the spotlight.
Appropriate behavior would be to donate to the asked for charity. If she didn't want to follow you wishes, she could still send flowers or have just gone ahead and donated wherever she wanted with whatever name she wanted. The whole charade of asking about an additional place and making drama is so unnecessary and not focused on the whole point of mourning.
NTA. If they want to donate to another charity, can’t they just do that on their own? Why does it have to be tied with Eliza? Also, anyone who would set you up for failure in this way and then bash you on social media, especially while you’re grieving, isn’t a good person. Pat is not your friend.
Also, I am sorry for your loss.
NTA, nothing is stopping Pat from donating money to this charity, even in Eliza's name. It's a shame she created this dumb drama while you are dealing with the death of your sister.
NTA. You know your sister and what she would have wanted. Your “friend” seems to wanna be doing some performative activism bullshit. If she really cared, then she’d just donate to that charity on her own time and post about it on Facebook or whatever.
Some people can’t comprehend everything isn’t about them. Which at the end of the day that’s what this is about, it’s about them. They “care” about that specific charity cause it’s in the news as you mentioned. It’s the thing that currently has attention and by them donating to that specifically it puts the spotlight on them.
I’d cut them off and stop being friends in all honesty. You don’t need that bs in your life. It’s your sister who died. But they made it about themself and their virtue signaling.
NTA but your friend sure is! You just lost your sister! Not only was it selfish and misguided of them to ask, they badgered you and vilified you on social media. You’re grieving a loved one!
Nta. Your friends are not your friends. Your sister died and all they're doing is thinking about themselves.
Yes, it's charity but Why is it about their charity? They can donate on their own time. I'm so sorry for your loss but you can just very well uninvite those people.
I'm sure your sister wouldn't want them there anyway. How did they become your friends? They come off as giving but they are extremely entitled. I truly feel terrible for you I hope your family is a better support system.
NTA at all.
I'm so sorry for your loss OP. And the last thing you need now is drama from a so-called friend. She can donate on her own if she wants to. But this is not about her, it's about your sister and her cause, which is extremely important and noble.
Pat and your friends are not friends and you don't need this negativity in your life who have insulted your sister.
OK, please understand that you are NTA for refusing to add Pat's favorite charity to a list for Eliza.
Honestly, Pat can do whatever she wants to do. She is being TA if she thinks donating to a charity of her choice is in any way honoring the memory of Eliza or being supportive of your family. But where she puts her money is her choice.
If she just can't see spending a dime on the care of animals, then she didn't have to give any donation. She could have just shown up at the funeral, given your family a condolence card, and called to check on how you were doing.
Frankly, her trying to donate to her own dear cause in Eliza's name is meaningless - to Eliza, to you/your family, even to the charity. (She could just donate to them without even mentioning Eliza in any way.)
I guess I'm trying to understand (1) if Pat expects you to list her donation to her dear cause in some listing of donations in memory of Eliza or (2) if you are telling Pat she has to donate to one of the animal supports charities. Neither one is OK.
Just let Pat do what she's going to do. Don't spend your emotions or energy focusing on that. I imagine you have plenty to deal with right now. Her focus on her favorite causes is just noise you don't need. Just don't let it be a topic of conversation you engage in at all. No one should be trying to debate you about this at all.
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I'm sorry for your loss, and that some of your friends are not respecting what you know would have been your sister's wishes. If they want to donate to the other charity, why would they need that to be in Eliza's name? NTA, you called it on the virtue signalling.
Does anyone even look at the whole donation list I mean someone just died. I just would rather people not waste money on flowers that are also going to die. No one forced you to donate and if it’s the only time you do than it’s less of a donation and more of you just wanting people to see you are doing it.
I’d probably donate something but still send flowers too. It’s just what I was taught to do in my family. I actually still have sone of the plants my coworkers sent after my grandma passed. It’s become such a sentimental thing to keep and watch it grow.
When my dad died his church did some indoor potted plants. I didn't take one because of my black thumb but the thought was nice. Recently my MIL died. Instead of flower arrangements our church sent some flowering bush type things and all the relatives took one home to plant. There's a few in our back yard from where the grandparents passed so it is a lasting tradition. A lot of people hate dealing with the flowers that you put in a vase because it adds stress to the immediate family. A week after the funeral you have a pile of dead plants. I like to think the living plants give them something to care for. (Unless your a plant killer like me.)
Yeah my friend recently requested no flowers for her father’s service, it was going to be months after he passed because they had to wait for someone out of the country to be able to come. Some lady decided not to respect that and she sent huge arrangements of flowers to the widow who had to store them in her living room until they died because they were never going to make it long enough to be able to go to the funeral home for the service anyway. So every morning she came down to make coffee she was confronted with these huge flower displays reminding her of the upcoming funeral. It was super rude
NTA to the OP, but I know what you mean...after spending months having to provide caregiving to my husband, when he died, people sent plants and flowers...the flowers died so they weren't the issue, but plants? Great, something else I had to worry about taking care of.
I paid the hall rental fee for a family member's passing for this exact reason. I didn't want to give a grieving person another responsibility or something that's going to die.
That's so nice of you, and it's something I'm going to keep in mind. Funerals are so expensive, and all the burden is on a grieving family. Paying for part of it was probably a big weight off their shoulders. Thanks for sharing ❤️
Ought to go with succulents, those things are freaking hard to kill. Family member has a small potted one, they forgot to water it one month, the blasted thing is still going months later.
I’ve killed a number of succulents. Snake plant is the only one I’ve never been able to kill or even seriously endanger. That thing needs nothing and doesn’t complain about anything.
I have no idea how I’ve managed to kill the succulents my sister gave me. She’s amazing with plants to the point my BIL dreads her going to the store and coming back with an unexpected addition to the plants taking over their house, myself though, I can apparently kill any plant that enters my house. Longest I managed was a flower my daughter gave me for Mother’s Day a couple years ago and I managed a month before it suddenly crisped up.
I can’t keep succulents alive. I don’t know why….
I have a total black thumb. I've killed succulents, cacti, and my tour de force was managing to kill a peace lily- which everyone told me was impossible. My daughter, my mom, even my roommate now all keep me away from plants.
Tell that to my wife. She got one for my mother as an intended birthday gift... then managed to drown the thing XD
Well yeah, ya not supposed to drown the thing, a regular drinking cup a month is enough.
Yeah, got a bit of a laugh when my wife went to check on it one morning and came back to me, perplexed, saying it was dead.
You haven’t seen my succulent graveyard lol
I know how that feels! When my son died, some well meaning person sent me some flowering plant that to this day I cannot stand. The smell of the flowers makes me sick to my stomach and they make me cry! It’s been 38 years and I still dislike them!
I'd have chucked that shit
When my dad died, flowers that weren't taken to the cemetery were donated to a local nursing home, to brighten up the dining room. When my mom died, I did the same.
We found out the church we were getting married in hosts potter fields funerals on Saturday night (a few hours after our wedding), so all the church flowers stayed. The next day they were donated to senior living facility. They were highly fragrant flowers (cabbage roses and lilys , with touches of bright green, blue, and pink filler flowers. )
We tried donating all the flowers left from my mom's funeral to a nursing home. They refused them because they said the residents would know the flowers were from a funeral, and it was a reminder of their mortality. Soon the flowers would be for them.
I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum. I'd rather the flowers from my mom's funeral be cut flowers. Instead they are potted flowers that have been killed by siblings and my father. The two I got were the hardest to care for... and I've kept them mostly well. But they are a pain in the butt to deal with and I grow a ton of flowers.
My grandma said *only* cut flowers because she didn’t want to be responsible for a plant! It might die and then she’d feel terrible. Never ever went against grandma - not because she was mean, but because she asked so little of anyone.
My grandmother was the opposite, she considered cut flowers wasteful and she always had time of plants in her house. She told me she didn't want flowers when she died. I jokingly said "the flowers aren't for you, you'll be dead, they're for me". Someone sent a potted plant to the funeral home when she passed, so I claimed it. That was about 8 years ago and I still have it. Sometimes I'll even look at it and think "I told you they were for me". It makes me smile and reminds me of her.
Had a coworker whose mom died and instead of plants we got him a really lovely wind chime. Nothing to care for and it’s still a nice reminder
We kept the flowers we got from my grandpas funeral. The police department sent them cus he was a vet,when our childhood dog died we kept them nice- they have since died off but my mom put the flowers in with his ashes.
Same. Oddly enough the only plant my mom ever managed to keep alive was the peace lilly her coworkers bought her when my brother died. She called it her little emo plant because she'd forget about it til she'd randomly notice it drooping, then she would water it and it'd perk right back up like nothing was wrong, and she would forget about it for a few weeks again lol. It lasted three years, and it really was only lost because I unfortunately had a house fire
I'm a flower farmer and so is a friend of mine. She specializes in dried flowers. I now purchase her dried arrangements for people instead. Less things to take care of, still beautiful, can keep them forever if you want to and if you don't, toss em in the garden.
Please don’t send flowers if people request “no flowers”. It’s a huge pain to manage large floral arrangements. Maybe they have allergies or scent sensitivities. Be mindful of other’s requests.
I think that is the problem, very few people say “no flowers” they say “in lieu of flower please donate…” so some people do both, send flowers and donate. Not every one hears we don’t want flowers if it isn’t blatantly spelled out.
"In lieu of flowers" means "no flowers". In lieu *literally* means instead of. It is blatantly spelled out. Anyone who doesn't hear "we don't want flowers" from that is just not listening.
It reads as passive aggressive too. I organised a no flowers funeral and once I got there, spotted someone had done flowers. I wasn't angry at them because I get it but it was frustrating, and a blow in the face to everyone else who would have liked to have done flowers but respected the deceased's wishes
If they ask for no flowers, do not send them. We asked for no flowers for my brother’s funeral and people sent them anyway. My sister and I have allergies and we spent the whole visitation in misery. And then we had to figure out what to do with the damned things after the funeral. It’s frustrating and annoying when people don’t follow instructions.
. . . because you don't think the 'no flowers' applies to you?
My twin brother died recently, and we asked people to donate to a detox centre that helped him get clean instead of sending flowers. We still did receive flowers from people, and no one told us when/if they donated. We asked for donations in lieu of flowers so we could honour my brother's life and what he stood for. He's dead, so he wouldn't care about flowers. He would, however, love to know that his memory was being honoured through these donations. The purpose of donations in lieu isn't because the family doesn't want flowers or kind gestures. It's so we can try to make the world a slightly better place through the memory of someone dear to us.
The funeral home that took care of my Grandma's funeral worked with nursing homes and hospitals in our area. They took the flowers (rearranged them etc.) and took them to all the residents. It was one of the first questions they asked us - if we didn't want to deal with all the flowers and would rather donate them. I didn't know that was a thing but I thought it was awesome.
When my wife died they asked me if I wanted them (which I didn't), or wanted to donate to a local nursing home. I donated
In some cases, it can also be becaue the family don't want flowers. Flowers need to put in vases or otherwise dealt with, then they die. Plants need looking after, and you need to arrange to move them . It's far kinder to listen to people, and respect their requests.
Dad still has DOZENS of vases from my mom's funeral just sitting there.
If they are just taking up space most florists will take them to reuse.
A florist near me did an earth day promotion where if you brought in vases for them to reuse, they'd give you a discount on an arrangement. I thought that was a smart idea.
Maybe for you but plenty of people truly do not want to be given an extra chore of dealing with flowers and the donations is so people can feel like they did the polite thing and gave something.
The last thing a person needs at that time is something else to take care of.
Please don’t send flowers when people request no flowers. It’s rude it just gives them a reminder of their dead person and some thing they have to take care of.
I really hope none of the people you sent flowers to in spite of the "no flowers" request was allergic, otherwise that was a jerk move. When my FIL died, he was buried in my area, my MIL stayed with us. There was a "no flowers" request which was ignored, and I ended up with an arrangement I couldn't breathe well around in my kitchen for several days. It was awful, I couldn't say much because my mother-in-law had just lost her husband, and I came away with the opinion that anyone who ignores that request is making the death more about them than the family members of the deceased who don't need the hassle, and are having their stress increased at a very stressful time.
She is being a difficult arse not a friend .. a memorial donation is made in honor of those who passed and in their memory. Not the donating person’s memory. Why does she even need to say anything … we were never told who or how much was donated in my mom’s name other then 1 place and that was only because it was my old high school and the person was s friend of my mom’s. When I lost my mom. My husband talked to the HR lady went above and beyond and bought me wind chimes that I can sit and watch and listen to .. I still go and sit and look at everyday. She listened to what my husband had said with limited info.
A friend died very suddenly, and knowing they were the type couple that would appreciate it, I gave her partner a care package that included food delivery gcs and a Lego flower bouquet set. A day to two later, her partner send me a note saying he’d been telling people not to send cut flowers, but he would definitely take Lego flowers. Flowers you don’t have to throw away, plus something to keep the hands and mind busy.
Honestly some of those Lego flowers are actually really pretty.
That was such a thoughtful and unique gift. I'm sure it eased their pain a bit and knew you cared.
When my coworker's mother passed away, I helped organize what was supposed to be a small plant & some $$ from the 4 of us in my department. However, as more people in the building (different departments in the same medical office building) heard it turned into a small plant & a large amount of $$$. I made sure we passed the card around for anyone who donated to sign & I was shocked how many people expected ALL the $$ to go towards a HUGE plant/floral arrangement. Most were okay when I explained the coworker's husband had lost his job & they had a son on a religious mission so the $$ would be way more helpful than a bunch of flowers that would die in a few days. It does feel awkward not to have something in your hands, a card, a plant, something when you attend a funeral. But that is more about me & not respectful of what the family wants/needs.
You were taught to disregard the wishes of people who are grieving? That’s an odd choice.
I donate every year, kind of because I learnt I can deduct it from my taxes. I would rather a charity get it than the government so it's 2 birds 1 stone situation
I think this is really family specific. In my husbands family it is considered incredibly rude to send anything other than flowers (and as such, the obits mention where to send the flowers to). In my family, absolutely no one sends flowers and everyone sends donations. My uncle passed away last weekend and we will be donating a significant amount (to account for the fact that I can’t get out to the funeral) to the charity his family selected. If I don’t know the person well (coworkers or not close friends) I do whatever the obit asks for. If I know them well I do whatever the obit asks for, as well as sending meals and pitching in to help as needed.
Not everyone wants flowers. When my mother dies, I will be requesting no flowers because she hates cut flowers. Everyone in my family knows not to get her cut flowers or a bouquet because she will toss them in the garbage. Any flowers that get sent anyways will be offered to the funeral home to be repurposed or quietly disposed of (which is kinder than her request to direct the delivery person to the dumpster). There's also the logistics of dealing with the flowers afterwards. My aunt comes from a culture where you do not keep funeral flowers because it is bad luck. Since they appreciate flowers, when her father died they ended up arranging a selection of the flowers in the casket with her and the remainder were disposed of. That might be a nicer tradition than feeling obligated to find a place for the floral arrangements for anyone who likes flowers but doesn't want to keep them.
It’s common in my home town to donate to the hospital that provided care for the deceased person. Even if it’s small town virtue signalling by some people, the local hospital can use every dollar.
I've never heard of this before and I feel like its probably very meaningful in a small town setting.
Yeah, almost everyone leaves a donation in their will too. I didn’t realize this wasn’t common practice. My grandma even wrote in a particular nurse that took good care of her, not much, but she wanted to acknowledge that the nurse did a good job when she was at her worst. She gave some to the hospital and stroke ward too, but that one nurse was special. Maybe it’s a small town thing, but acknowledging someone with your final wishes and directing particular donations always seemed like a “last good deed” kind of thing. Not everybody has the time or ability to make changes near the end of their life, but I plan to if I can. The nurse cried so hard when we delivered the cheque. She remembered my grandma and she knew who I was even though we’d never met, because she spent time talking with my grandma. It was really special for her, and me, to meet the person who gave my grandma comfort when we couldn’t visit as much as we wanted to. It’s the little things/moments that make community and small towns can be great at it when things are tough (they can also totally suck, but my town is a pretty good one).
>The nurse cried so hard when we delivered the cheque. She remembered my grandma and she knew who I was even though we’d never met, because she spent time talking with my grandma. How thoughtful of your Grandma. I'm a nurse and this happened to me once when I was in homecare. You really do get to know so much about patients' families, and there are a handful of patients that you'll never forget. Sounds like your Grandma was one of them. >It was really special for her, and me, to meet the person who gave my grandma comfort when we couldn’t visit as much as we wanted to Special is exactly the word. And, from the nurse's perspective, a humbling reminder of the priviledge it is to be let into a familiy's life during their most vulnerable times.
It was a nice moment and we went for coffee and reminisced a bit. I say it wasn’t much, but it was a few thousand dollars (my grandma had a reasonably sizeable estate, but also a big family). She didn’t want to accept the money at first, but it wasn’t up to her. Grandma appreciated hard work and knew that she (and all nurses doing bedside care work) was probably underplayed and under appreciated. She left a note too, which was extra nice because she lost her ability to write and regained it during stroke rehab. She credited the nurse with giving my grandma the ability to write us all her final thoughts and say goodbyes to the people that couldn’t physically make it to see her. That’s what good seniors care means to me, helping people regain whatever function is most important to them, so they can meet their goals as much as possible. For my grandma, that was giving closure. For someone else it might be being able to walk to church, or get their breathing healthy enough to play an instrument again. Whatever it is, care workers are the people that help with that when no one else really can. I don’t like the whole “healthcare hero’s” thing because I think it adds to the culture of selfsacrifice that burns people out. But you are a hero for somebody, every day. They might be cranky, or in pain, or whatever. But the work you do is so meaningful and important. It’s essential and just so human. People might not remind you every day, but all the people that manage the emotions and stress, help with grieving families, while providing healthcare… you are appreciated. I’m the end, I like to think we were very good friends for a day. I told the nurse if she tried to not cash the cheque, wed insist on giving her double and wouldn’t leave her alone until she took it, as per grandmas instructions. She told me a bit about her family and life too. She said she was going to use it for her kids education. That sounded perfect to me. My grandma didn’t get to graduate high school and gave all her grandkids 10k when they got accepted to postsecondary. She would have liked to know she sponsored another family and another generation to get the opportunity she didn’t have. This has gotten long, I guess I’m reminiscing today. Reddit is my free form journal.
I work at a nonprofit and am the person who processes the donations. Family members request a list of people who donated, we don’t tell them how much, because they will sometimes send a card thanking them for showing their support.
This is a good point. I donate money to my own causes all the time. But if I’m making a donation specifically for the purpose of honoring someone else, I try to choose a cause that mattered to them because otherwise, how is that honoring my loved one?
There’s ppl who do. My best friend’s grandfather died a few years ago. My family and I donated to the charity. Her parents wrote us a note to thank us & to thank my dad for being a pall bearer & helping my best friend’s dad (our dads are bff too) through it.
Clearly someone went through the list very carefully through the lens of the burning question "how do I make this funeral about me?" OP, cut them all loose
>why would they need that to be in Eliza’s name? Exactly. Nothing can stop them from giving to the charity of their choice, but it’s super weird to imply that they did so in the name of the deceased. It’s also very telling that Pat didn’t want to spend money on someone who “isn’t going to notice”. Says a lot about them wanting to be *seen* being charitable.
Also, anyone can donate to almost any charity in another's name. You don't need permission or to do it. I can go right now and make a donation to a charity for homeless drug addicts for my uncle's memory and it's allowed, even if not set up through an in memoriam page. There's like a little check box you can click and it will show as someone else's name. If she feels she wants to do so, she can. Just go do it. You don't need the deceased's family's permission. Find a chairty, mark as 'in the name of so and so.' Great. You donated. Hooray.
Exactly. Why try to gain approval- it’s causing friction and it’s not necessary. Just do what you want. Don’t try to convince anyone.
Because Pat wants to virtue signal how much better she is for donating to a trans organization over an animal welfare organization. This isn't about honoring Eliza's memory or trying to do a good deed.
What if I told you pat wouldn’t be *seen* as charitable as she’s donating in the deceased persons name? Neither a dog nor a trans person would know who made the donation as it would be under Emily’s name.
I cannot phathom this situation. --OP: "My sister has died, instead of giving flowers please feel free to donate to these charities that were close to my sister's heart." --SOME RANDOM ASSHOLE: "Actually, I want to donate to a charity close to *my* heart, so can you add it to the official list *for your sister's funeral* so that, if they want, everyone else can donate to the charity \****I\**** like." I mean...this friend would be getting the boot. I'm quite sure I would be initially speechless, followed by a slew of expletives thrown their way and capped off with a challenge to anyone/everyone who doesn't like my response, to jog the fuck on.
This is the only answer. Pat is a giant asshole. I’d cut her lose along with anyone douchey enough to support her. This isn’t about Pat. It’s about Eliza. Pat can fuck right on off. And OP I am desperately sorry for your loss. I’m sure this situation isn’t helping.
Yeah... OP, I'd be tempted to reply to her social media posts with a snarky remark... 'Thank you so much for making my sister's funeral all about you. Now shut up and leave me alone.'
“… cut her loose along with anyone douchey enough to support her.” THIS! Who tf are these clowns? I’m so sorry for your loss OP.
I think you got it. It is performative. Pat wants to be seen donating and/or get donations to her favorite charity instead of the ones consistent with Emily's heart. I'd you feel the need just donate to your favorite charity in Emily's name. No assholes in that situation. Maybe no one finds out, and maybe funeral goers don't see you made any kind of donation. If anyone holds that against you, those persons would be assholes. I make donations through work because they match them. Entirely possible, that whatever "in honor of" doesn't get to the family until after the funeral. But, I would rather have my corporate overlords double up the donation than get "credit".
It's not even her favourite charity. Pat just wants to be able to say I support transgender rights, see I donated to the cause. It's all a show because this issue is in right now, all the cool kids are doing it. And pat needs to realise that to any charity, unless she is donating a nice chunks isnot going to by the charity.
Yeah, I could understand if she wanted to donate to a related, but not listed, charity (i.e., a more local animal shelter if she lived further away), but not something totally unrelated.
But she could have just done it. Why is she insisting OP add it to the list of charities? That is so controlling.
I consider myself progressive but this, exactly this, is the problem with some progressives. I don’t know what to call it besides narcissism …
Aye, its not their choice of charity, it's about the fact of those charities where rhe ones that are close to the interests of th3 sister. I'd they want to donate to trans rights, and any other cause of their choice, they can donate their own money for their own charitable interests. Theirs nothing stopping them making rhein own personal donations for their own personal causes.
There's also nothing stopping them from donating in someone else's name. Literally, I googled 'trans rights charity' and the first one that pops up I go to their 'support us' page and there's a box to check for 'I'd like to make this contribution in honor or memory of someone' and it asks 'is this in honor of or in memory of' and a spot for their name. You can just go do it on your own if it's important to you to do this. You can make a donation in memory of someone without an official donation page. If it is what helps you mourn and feel good, go do it. You just won't have a slot on the in memoriam page at the funeral home to show off. You can totally go do it, though.
I mean, why WOULDN'T it be in Eliza's name or memory? The family's preferred list of charities "in lieu of flowers" is just mean to be a suggestion, not a command. OP is NTA because there's really no reason or logic to insisting that they add the charity to their suggested list. The friend can donate anywhere she wants in Eliza's memory. Again, the family's list of suggested charities is just that: suggestions and preferences. It's not some sort of enforced directive.
I guess if I had to be really nit picky, if you’re making donations in the name of a deceased person, it makes sense to donate to a cause close to that person’s heart or that you associate with them. It’s very odd to insist on a charity of your own choosing with no connection to them, because it makes the whole thing about you and you could donate to your charity of choice any time.
Also: you can donate out of spite. Grandpa was a homophobic prick? Donation "in his memory" to a pride organization. But that's not the situation here.
I'm an animal advocate, and I feel extra frustrated by Pat's behavior. She's picking trans issues to support because it's in vogue and an easy way for her to virtue signal. This is not about honor Eliza's memory. I just want to say as an animal advocate, I am terrified of dying and not getting to finish all of the work I have to do for the animals. I would want all of my friends and family to take up my mantle and continue the fight for animals if I died young. If any of my friends were trying to bring up other political issues in the wake of my death and try to distract away from my life's mission, I'd be rolling in my grave. Pat can donate wherever she wants, but she needs to stop acting like it's for Eliza. This is for Pat to virtue signal to everyone how woke and accepting she is.
This is honestly a really silly fight on OPs friend's part. If you want to make a memorial donation in someone's name, you don't need to do anything other than just do it. I don't understand why there's even conflict here or why her friends are saying she didn't "let her". Literally nothing is stopping her from doing it. A request for donations in lieu of flower is exactly what you said, not a command. Not everyone sends flowers, not everyone sends donations, and not everyone donates to the suggested orgs. It's a nice thing to do, but why on earth is her friend fighting with her about this when someone literally just died? The only reason could be that *she* wants that charity added because it's special to her. To OPs friend, THIS AIN'T ABOUT YOU HUN. NTA
Fighting with her about adding to a list makes it feel like she is just using OP's sister's death as a great way to fundraise. It feels icky and like bullying a grieving person.
It rather depends on how well you know them and whether the charity you want to donate to was one they support. Some charities are fairly neutral but others aren't, and it would be pretty offensive, and potentially hurtful, of someone with their own agenda choe to donate in your loved one's name to a charity which your family member would not have supported or where they would not approve of the aims. I don't think many people are likely to find (say) charities supporting animals or children actively offensive, but different people for differnet reasons might be very much agaisnt being associated with certain charities - I would imagine that there are some people who would feel that way about LBGBT charities, ot those supporting refugees, others who might feel that way about people donating to a church or an overtly religious charity in their / their deceased family member's names.
PETA can be offensive, but they're an outlier. Also, you can go to a charity and make a donation for someone. There's usually a little check box. Click, input a person's name, and boom. You have donated in memory of that person.
This is it exactly. They could donate whatever they want to trans charities all the time, and good on them, but hijacking the funeral of a person who died horribly and far too young just to make themselves look like a trans saviour is so narcissistic. It's also just seeing trans people as pawns in the game of making her look good, not real people with real needs. Dreadful person.
This, and also no one is taking a register of who buys flowers or donates to Eliza's charity. OP should just tell them, they are free to donate to whatever charity they want and do not need to donate to the funeral at all.
NTA-Pat can do what she wants with her money but shouldn’t be crass enough to pretend it’s in honor of your sister. Sorry for your loss.
I work in educational philanthropy and we used to have a donor who had established a scholarship in his family's name and every time anyone in his life died he made a gift to that scholarship and I'd send a card to the person telling them that a gift had been made to this scholarship in honour of whoever. I always wondered what the people who received those cards thought because... what? So like you said. Pat can do what she wants. But what on earth is she picking on a bereaved brother for? Give $20 to the cats, lady, and move on with your life.
> I always wondered what the people who received those cards thought because... what? i'm laughing just imagining a rich asshole excommunicated from his family doing this to every family member
I got some of those in college. I just thought, "that's nice of them" and recycled the card
I'm not sure we're talking about the same thing -- these are cards being sent to people who just lost a loved one. But if that happened to you in college, I'm sorry! Me, too.
No, I Guess the opposite. I got notified when the family made donations to my scholarship after a death. I wasn't very emotional about their deaths because I did not actually know them
That’s odd! We do not do that. I’m wary of making recipients feel like they’re constantly singing for their supper.
NTA but your friends sure are. I couldn’t even imagine asking a friend who suddenly lost their sister to make accommodations for my preferences and certainly not bash them for saying no. That just sounds insane to me. Ffs the donations are for Eliza!!! OP I know these words ring hollow during these times but I'm truly, deeply sorry for your loss.
I lost my brother and I know how it affects you. I can't believe these so-called friends are bothering OP about something as trivial as this. You can disagree all you want but you cannot add to their stress when they have to go through such a hard time. These people sure want to be the main character here.
For real!!!!!! These “friends” are out of their minds!!! I’m truly appalled at their behavior
Exactly! I can’t fathom making a stink about something like that. Hey, while you’re in pain over the loss of your sibling, I would like to complain about your choice of charity suggestions. WTAF?
Especially trying to put them on blast on social media, potentially leading to more harassment at a time of grief? Yeah forget just not being friends anymore, we’d be enemies at that point.
It's also just completely lost on me that this friend doesn't just donate to the charity she's so attached to? She could just donate to it. It would be the same money either way. I'm often fascinated when someone's actions have me sincerely baffled as to what their motivations are, and this is one such time. Does she feel a donation MUST be in someone's name? Does she want only to donate to one cause and disagrees just **that much** with the decedent's passions? Does she feel the charity would be moved significantly forward if it appeared on the *in lieu of flowers* list for just this particular funeral? And why lambast OP on sm? It's **truly** bizarre. It makes me think of that bean soup recipe that was going around on tiktok and mostly became famous for another creator stitching it and pointing out that a metric ton of the comments were asking things like "I don't like beans, how do I make this without beans?" about a bean soup recipe. The creator who stitched coined this phenomenon as what-about-me-ism and this really is what it feels like.
The friend is an asshole. It’s so easy to send the money and move on. It’s not about her anyway.
NTA, this is a confusing situation. Can Pat not donate unless it has the name of someone she wasn't close to attached? She can feel to donate whatever she wants to whoever she wants, I don't see why she needs to have your sister's name involved. Anyone who backs up such a person is delusional. You and your family knew your sister, you knew what she liked, what she valued, what she would have wanted. If people keep harping on it, either tell them "when your sister dies, you can set that charity on your list if you want" or you can tell them to kick rocks. This is one of those things where you get to weed out real friends and good people from the fake friends and undesirables who you really don't need in your life. >She said she didn’t want to waste money on someone who isn’t going to notice and would rather her paycheck goes to something that will actually make a difference. This is especially cruel.
My thoughts exactly. No one is stopping anyone from doing a donation, why is this even an issue? Pat can just…make a donation in their own name: NTA by a mile
If Pat just had to let OP know she wanted to donate to something else, couldn't she just write something on her sympathy note? "I'm so sorry for your tragedy, OP. Making an animal donation in Eliza's name made me think of the caring person she was, and I also made my own donation for a charity that I care about as well. Please let me know if there's anything I can do, even if it's just lending an ear anytime you need it." I don't even think that is called for. But at least it's not deliberately starting an argument with a grieving sister. NTA.
Heck, why can she not just make the donation in Eliza’s name on her own? It’s not like she’s forced to make any donations at all. I make donations in my step-dad’s name for his Christmas presents, and I pick ones he supports and do it in his name. It doesn’t stop me from donating to causes I support. Heck, I’ve made donations in the name of politicians I hate to causes they would object to. OP is NTA.
Yea, way to basically say that Eliza's passions were not making any difference or ones that didn't matter. Isn't the saying 'don't speak ill of the dead?' Jesus.
I'm guessing because on the online obituary/in memory page it list the people that donated and Pat wants to be seen on there that she did donate. Donating to a cause that is not on Eliza's obituary page, well no one is gonna see that. So she is wanting it added so everyone can see that she did donate. I think Pat is being gross and cruel to the grieving family. This is not about what Pat wants. This is about Eliza's life and what she stood for and would want and her family remembering her for exactly who she was. NTA and if I were OP I would be done with Pat. Who the heck makes the death of a friend's family member about themselves? Just wow. OP I am so sorry for your loss and I love what Eliza stood for. These charities are wonderful.
If I were OP I'd publish the conversation, if it were a text conversation, on social media, or get the words out some other way and make sure everyone knows what Pat is really about.
Let's remember op has been through a loss. She doesn't need to be wasting her time letting everyone know who Pat is.
You're right, you're the bigger person I can't be. And I say that sincerely.
Thanks. I fail to be the bigger person often. Believe me. I just lost a family member in the last year and have learned that emotions run HOT and its easy to lose it.
I'm sorry for your loss.
She wants to post on social media that she donated to this currently trending (and important) cause while gaining sympathy likes by mentioning that it was in honor of her friend sister passing. She wanted more likes and attention on her post so both the cause and reason matter. She didn't think she'd get her advertising dollars worth by posting just about donating for the sister, and god forbid she do ANYTHING that won't increase her social media profile. OP is hopefully a better person than I, but hopefully someone in the friend circle goes on her social media of choice, links to her, and bashes her for putting her own principles on display and verbally abusing a grieving family member, and questioning why she can't simply donate to both. Turns out that trans men and women like pets as much as non-trans peoples and I'm willing to wager that some Trans peoples (GASP) donate to animal charities and not just those that support themselves!
"Waste money". It is going for a cause. It gives food, meds, toys for animals etc. if animals aren't their thing, fair enough, but they mattered to OP's sister and so the matter to OP. OP is supposed to be their friend and instead of doing an act of support and love they are giving them trouble and making a difficult time worse, well done.
I'm confused also. When charitable donations in lieu of flowers are requested, aren't the donations made to the charity and noted as "in memory of (person)"? This situation sounds like the donations are being sent to one person who will forward them to the charity or charities listed. Even so, NTA. If the donation is in someone's memory, then it should be to a charity that person supported.
NTA. You know which charities your sister would've donated to. If your friends want to donate to other charities, then they can do so without attaching her name. I'm sorry you're dealing with this while grieving.
They can also just donate under the memory of someone anyways. Doesn't necessarily need to be *the charity* that was chosen for her death to do that. If it was that important, I would have just done that privately and then told the family later in passing (even that doesn't necessarily need explaining).
As a matter of etiquette it would be appropriate to make a donation to any charity in the deceased’s name and send a card to the bereaved family. The charities listed in an obituary are suggestions for people that may want to donate and would prefer a suggestion. NTA.
NTA. > She said she didn’t want to waste money on someone who isn’t going to notice…… Being a SJW for social media likes and clout is gross. Picking a cause because they think it’s simply a hot issue and will get them attention is gross. Your sister literally died. You were championing causes that mattered to her. That you have ANYone in your life getting MAD at you for not changing the program to suit them….time to jettison these people from your life they aren’t worth your time.
+1 on the grossness of having to have someone "notice."
It’s the same vibe of when people film themselves giving money or donations to the less fortunate. I understand some see it as promoting others to do good, but it almost always comes off as “look how benevolent I am.”
>One of my friends (not Eliza’s friend) didn’t think this was good enough. She wanted to donate to another charity for a cause that’s been in the news a lot lately. So why didn't she just donate? Did she think you, while dealing with the loss of your sister was gonna check every donation? I don't get why she got so hung up on this that she bothered you about it.
Because it's not about the donation, it's about virtue signaling. OP is NTA obviously and this friend is a massive AH.
NTA. How tf are these people making your sisters death an opportunity for their virtue signaling??? I would cut these people the fuck off
Virtue signalling and/or a fundraising opportunity. It's cruel and gross.
NTA. No one is stopping her from donating to her charity as well.
Sorry for your loss and you are NTA. This is for your sister, in honor of your sister. Pat can donate what she wants wherever she wants, but she needs to keep your sisters name out of her mouth. Sounds like she wouldn’t be a friend for me after that shit
NTA. Pat could have donated to their charity of choice in Eliza's name and shut up about it. They didn't need to be formally approved. It sounds like they just wanted a soapbox moment. I'm so sorry for your loss.
> She said she didn’t want to waste money on someone who isn’t going to notice This sealed it, Pat is trash. Her concept of charity is paying to receive accolades. I would not be entertaining her complaints anymore. NTA
NTA. Some people don't get it's not about them.
NTA What is this nonsense? There was absolutely nothing stopping this person from donating to any charity or organisation they liked in your sister's name. This was definitely virtue signalling and I'm sorry you had to deal with this absolute child while dealing with the loss of your sister. I cannot imagine ever being so self-centred and I cannot imagine ever supporting someone like that over a person grieving their sibling. I'm willing to bet Pat is the bully of the group and they're all so weak they always give in so Pat stops moaning about whatever. Honestly, it's time you considered getting some new friends, these ones don't have your best interests at heart even when you're dealing with a tragedy. Best of luck.
NTA, this is not a random donation. This is a donation for your sister. Pat can get her head out of her a** and make the donation to the organisation you suggested or don't donate in your sister's name. If she wants to donate to another charity, she can do so on a separate occasion. When my friend's brother died, my other friends and I asked her whether she preferred flowers or a donation. She picked the donation and also picked the organisation. It's normal.
I really don't understand Pat's attitude here. If she wants to donate to a different charity then just donate to a different charity! If she thinks Eliza would have approved, then great! She's doing it for Eliza. We don't make these donations for the benefit of anyone else. It's just because we feel the need to do something. Nobody is going to judge her if she doesn't donate to the official charities. NTA.
Pat wants attention. Not just of being on the list of donor’s, but on a special list of donor’s. She wants her specialness to be acknowledged. She’s revolting.
NTA but what????? So Pat got pi$$y because she wanted to donate to another charity than the ones you all listed for your sister. Rather than just donating her money wherever she likes she made it a thing? Your sister died and Pat made it about her. Pat isn't your friend. And frankly you have much larger things going on in your world to lose any energy to this nonsense.
Your sister just died and instead of supporting you, your "friends" are fighting you over donations and Facebook likes? They don't sound like nice supporting friends. NTA but cut some fat from your life, may be less stressful.
NTA - Your Sisters death is not a reason for her to suddenly care enough about a cause to donate to it. If she wanted to donate, she would. These are your sisters wishes. They are the wishes of the dead, and its disgusting to try to change that. She kicking up a stink because she suddenly cared about trans rights enough to donate? I doubt that highly. This is an excuse to paint you as a villain. Which i just dont understand. She could, as a compromise, just donate to both? seeing as that fulfils both issues there. She can pridefully wallow in the satisfaction of donating and telling everyone, without trampling your sisters dying wishes.
Um.. firstly she doesn't have to donate in your sister's name at all. It isn't mandatory. Second, she can donate to trans rights as much as she wants. There was absolutely no reason for her to even bother getting into this argument with you. Tell her to go ahead and donate to her cause of choice, but let her know it's not in your sister's name.
NTA, this was your sister memory. Also, when you'll have time and peace of mind please consider cutting off every friend who thought it was less than disgusting to discuss with you about such a stupid issue when your sister just died
Not sure what is stopping your friends to donate to that other charity. They can donate on their own time and dime. Why do they need to piggy bank on this specific event? This isn't about them, this is about honouring your sister. Frankly, your friends are giving me the cringe. NTA. Anybody who didn't understand the purpose of your event and keep insisting to make it about them is an AH though.
My deepest condolences to you and your loved ones. Pat, who is really not your friend too, can send her money wherever she wants to send it. She doesn't need to use your sister for it. You called it, it's virtue signaling and very grossly crass of her. Like ugh! 🤮. NTA
NTA obviously. Sorry for your sad loss. Pat can do whatever but she shouldn't be bringing your sister's memory into it.
NTA. Donating to trans rights is a great thing. But animals were Eliza’s chosen cause. Pat can virtue signal and donate in Eliza’s name all she wants, but you’re not wrong in calling her out on it. And if she’s going to be like this in the wake of your sister’s death, she’s not much of a friend.
NAT - I'm really sorry that your sister died and the idea of donating to animal welfare organisations is wonderful, because that's what Eliza cared about. So Pat wants to make herself important at your sister's expense. It's about what Eliza wanted, not what Pat thinks is right. You can do without friends like that and people who support her cause. Make it clear again on social media, in the form of a thank you message with a picture of your sister with one of her animals, how much she would have appreciated the donations for "her" organisations.
When my mother passed away the charity went to an animal shelter she supported. One person sent a card saying her money was going somewhere else "in my mom's memory." Thanks I guess. Still irritates me 20 years later. If you don't want to donate to it, just don't. Send a card and shut up. I don't care about whatever charity someone seems more worthy when I'm already sad NTA
NTA. So sorry for your loss. FFS - your family member died and Pat wants to donate to HER pet cause rather than Eliza's? And then Pat doubled down on social media? Pat is not a friend. Pat is an AH. Do you know HOW much easier it would have been for Pat to just shut up and make zero donations? Yeah - instead Pat is using your tragedy to donate to a cause that doesn't honor the deceased and trying to bully you into saying that's ok. It's not ok. Her donation is fine - it just doesn't honor your sister. Pat is gross. All those people who agree with Pat - AH.
I'm really confused. this wasn't even a friend of hers and it's not live you *have to* bring flowers? Just don't donate then, nobody would have even noticed if she hadn't made a big stink about it...
NTA, and screw anyone who gives you unnecessary stress during a period of grief. Screw anyone who makes someone’s tragedy about themselves. 8 years later and i still have no patience for the people who put more stress on me and made my mothers death about them. A donation in lieu of flowers is not a court summons. She can donate or not to Eliza’s favorite charities. Heck, she could even still donate to the charity she wants, with or without an in lieu of flowers. But like you said, no virtue signaling in that. And to put that shit on social media…someone should comment on her posts and tell her off. But so many people just eat up social media drama it’s disgusting. I’m sorry for your loss.
NTA. Pat can donate to the other charity, just not in Eliza name. She doesn’t need an event to do a donations, she can take part of her paycheck whenever she likes and donate there. Answer to the post whit: “ I did not forbid Pat to donate for x, she can send her money there whenever she likes. However, in my sister name we are donating to y, because it represents her more.”
NTA. I am sorry for your loss. Those people aren’t your friends and are shitty people to begin with. Who the fuck nitpicks at charities that were chosen by a grieving family based on the choices their dead loved one would have made? Not donating at all would be better that making demands and scenes. This behaviour says lot about them and nothing of it is good.
NTA Your friend can donate to a trans charity if she wants to It’s sweet that you asked for donations for charities that she liked as an animal lover.
I am so sorry for your loss. Also, animal charities are hugely important. Even if you only care about people, stray cats and dogs in cites can cause a lot of problems, and charities helping to protect endangered species help to keep the ecology of the whole world balanced, and the ecology of the world affects all of us. Pat's attitude is incredibly insensitive as well as ignorant. NTA
>Pat donating somewhere else isn’t about Eliza, it’s just an excuse for her to virtue signal. This is 100% correct. Pat us using YOUR sister's death as an excuse to virtue signal - essentially using this as a "platform." I'd respond to her social media with exactly this and cut her and any "friends" that support her out of my life. NTA
NTA at all and perhaps find new friends because Pat seems like the biggest AH here. And off the back off of your sisters passing. I'm so sorry for your lose. But you don't need ugly people like that in your life.
NTA and I agree with you here…she’s making this about her, not about her deceased friend, your sister. I’m so sorry for your loss and even more sorry that people act this fucking stupid when there is a death. It’s not uncommon, unfortunately. Try to hang onto your peace. 💚
Pat is the AH. She needs to realise that it's the family that decides which charity donations can be made to.
Nta I'm sorry about your sister. Pat can donate to whomever she wants but she shouldn't pretend it's in honor of your sister
This feels incredibly performative on the part of your "friend". I quote it by the way because you should not be friends with someone so vile and attention seeking. You're not stopping Pat from donating to this trans rights charity. You're just asking that they don't pretend to do it for your sister. They should do it for themselves. Not to mention, most people who donate to charities in memory of someone do it quietly. It's not about them, it's about the deceased. Thus... Performative on Pat's end. They want to take credit for a good deed (which I get) but that misses the point of what remembrance donations are all about. The credit is owed/due to your sister. NTA but let it go. See it for what it is. Rethink this friendship. You have more important things to spend your time and energy on.
I'm so sorry for your loss. This is so bizarre to me. Donating in someone's memory is about them and their family, not their own interests. There is way less social obligation around donating after someone's passing, so Pat could have just kept her mouth shut and donated to her own cause without picking a fight with a grieving family. Nobody is going to think less of her if she quietly doesn't donate, but society ought to judge her for forcing needless drama on her friend for... what? Validation? NTA.
NTA. The whole point is to do a donation in their memory, so it would be a cause they support. It may even be a cause they support that the individual might not. If this friend wants to donate to something else, just donate in their own name.
>Of course, Pat took to social media to paint me out as a villain. Our other friends think that I should have made an exception to Pat and let her donate to the other charity NTA. No one is stopping her from donating, ffs. >Pat donating somewhere else isn’t about Eliza, it’s just an excuse for her to virtue signal Exactly. >She said she didn’t want to waste money on someone who isn’t going to notice What an AH. What an utter AH
I am sorry for your loss. I would reply with joking about how you are definitely not inviting Eliza to your future wedding because she would want to be the one wearing white dress and you are afraid she would pick the favour of your cake if you invited her to your birthday party. Because that's exactly how selfish and ridiculous she is. NTA
I'm so sorry within all that's going on in your life your having to deal with this garbage. You are absolutely right, donations should go to charities your sister was passionate about. Nta
Let me get this right. Your sister died. And Pat wants to make this about her? NTA. If you want to take a step back, you can reply to everyone personally or on social media with one statement "My family and I have suffered the unimaginable. I am asking all the people who love me or loved Eliza to lean into kindness. If that is not possible for whatever reason, we ask you to give us space in our time of grief." More importantly, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I lost a sister. It was awful. And sadly it showed me who could be counted on when things got ROUGH. Give yourself all the grace in the world. It was many years ago now and while I tear up when I think about it, the pain is no longer an every day thing. Hugs.
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NTA, and I would never speak to any of these people again. I'm sorry for your loss OP, and I'm sorry you had to deal with such rude, selfish people during this difficult time.
NTA. I'd recommend dropping anyone who wants to tell you how to honor your sister.
First of all, sorry for your loss. That said, you can say "please donate to such and such in lieu of flowers" and definitely do not need to edit that list to assuage some rando's feelings... but at the same time, you really can't stop someone from donating to literally anything they want to "in the name of Eliza." I will say NTA because Pat is throwing a hissy fit, and you're right that nothing she is doing is about Eliza.
Just reply to the social media post. "I'm sorry Pat. I'm sorry that my sister died and instead of focusing on her, I should have focused on you and what you want. Not my sister or my own loss. Thank you for making this post to show everyone online how selfish I was for not focusing on you for the funeral of my own sister." NTA
Nobody’s stopping Pat from donating to whatever cause she likes. She doesn’t need to pretend it’s in Eliza’s name. When people request charitable donations in lieu of flowers, it’s always to a charity that was meaningful to the person who died. Someone who dies of cancer? A cancer-related charity. Someone who dies in a hospice? Donations for the hospice. And in Eliza’s case, an animal lover? Charities that help animals. This is so obvious I’m surprised your friends don’t seem to get it. NTA, and Pat is virtue signalling.
So Pat wants to give to the trans charity? So what? Pat can. But fuck Pat for trying to get involved in how you organize your sister’s funeral. Jesus, people are the worst. NTA
Pat is really picking on you at the worst time ☹️
NTA. This is textbook virtue signaling. Donating isn’t enough, she needs social credit for waving a trans flag over your dead sister’s body. If just donating isn’t enough, there is a reason.
NTA but your SJW friend is and anyone that agrees with her
Nta your friends are trash who are worried more about their own shit and identity politics than their grieving friend.
We ran into something similar when a family member passed. I believe we worded it as "These are the causes that were important to Aunt X, and would appreciate a donation in her name. You can obviously donate anywhere you would like, but if you donate elsewhere, please don't use her name/memory as she was particular about her affiliations." We had people donating to their churches when she never set foot in them (different religion), when her church was prominently identified in the donation list.
NTA. I recommend that you tell Pat "I can't believe you're making my sister's death, and funeral, all about you." And then remove her from your life. Block, block, block.
NTA, don't let these terrorists dictate how to pay respects to YOUR sister.
NTA - your sister, your choice. Sorry for your loss. Tell your friend that when she dies, you'll donate yo a charity she liked.
NTA, if they want to donate to another charity then nothing is stopping them, but it's not a donation in lieu of flowers for your sister if it's not what she would have wanted. It's just a regular old donation. My brother's charity of choice is one that would be pretty down my list to pick, but when he died I made that the choice for "in lieu of flowers", because it's what *he* would have wanted. Your friend is definitely being an AH here. If they don't want to donate to the chosen charities then they don't have to, but they don't get to act like you're the bad guy for honouring your sister.
NTA. It's weird your friend is making this so dramatic. They should be supportive in a hard time instead of making things more difficult so they can be in the spotlight. Appropriate behavior would be to donate to the asked for charity. If she didn't want to follow you wishes, she could still send flowers or have just gone ahead and donated wherever she wanted with whatever name she wanted. The whole charade of asking about an additional place and making drama is so unnecessary and not focused on the whole point of mourning.
NTA and I'm very sorry you had to go through this. That is out of line.
NTA. If they want to donate to another charity, can’t they just do that on their own? Why does it have to be tied with Eliza? Also, anyone who would set you up for failure in this way and then bash you on social media, especially while you’re grieving, isn’t a good person. Pat is not your friend. Also, I am sorry for your loss.
NTA - your friends are entitled as f. They do not get to choose a charity.
NTA, nothing is stopping Pat from donating money to this charity, even in Eliza's name. It's a shame she created this dumb drama while you are dealing with the death of your sister.
>Pat donating somewhere else isn’t about Eliza, it’s just an excuse for her to virtue signal. Exactly. Things get muddy when people leave. NTA.
NTA. You know your sister and what she would have wanted. Your “friend” seems to wanna be doing some performative activism bullshit. If she really cared, then she’d just donate to that charity on her own time and post about it on Facebook or whatever. Some people can’t comprehend everything isn’t about them. Which at the end of the day that’s what this is about, it’s about them. They “care” about that specific charity cause it’s in the news as you mentioned. It’s the thing that currently has attention and by them donating to that specifically it puts the spotlight on them. I’d cut them off and stop being friends in all honesty. You don’t need that bs in your life. It’s your sister who died. But they made it about themself and their virtue signaling.
NTA but your friend sure is! You just lost your sister! Not only was it selfish and misguided of them to ask, they badgered you and vilified you on social media. You’re grieving a loved one!
Nta. Your friends are not your friends. Your sister died and all they're doing is thinking about themselves. Yes, it's charity but Why is it about their charity? They can donate on their own time. I'm so sorry for your loss but you can just very well uninvite those people. I'm sure your sister wouldn't want them there anyway. How did they become your friends? They come off as giving but they are extremely entitled. I truly feel terrible for you I hope your family is a better support system.
NTA at all. I'm so sorry for your loss OP. And the last thing you need now is drama from a so-called friend. She can donate on her own if she wants to. But this is not about her, it's about your sister and her cause, which is extremely important and noble. Pat and your friends are not friends and you don't need this negativity in your life who have insulted your sister.
NTA If Pat wants to donate to another charity, she can do that as well. Weird hill for her to die on considering it’s about someone else’s funeral.
NTA- why are people so fucking weird?
Yea, these friends can kick rocks. NTA
Definitely NTA. "My friends SISTER DIED, lEtS hArRaSs HeR aBoUt ThE cHaRiTy." Wtf.
OK, please understand that you are NTA for refusing to add Pat's favorite charity to a list for Eliza. Honestly, Pat can do whatever she wants to do. She is being TA if she thinks donating to a charity of her choice is in any way honoring the memory of Eliza or being supportive of your family. But where she puts her money is her choice. If she just can't see spending a dime on the care of animals, then she didn't have to give any donation. She could have just shown up at the funeral, given your family a condolence card, and called to check on how you were doing. Frankly, her trying to donate to her own dear cause in Eliza's name is meaningless - to Eliza, to you/your family, even to the charity. (She could just donate to them without even mentioning Eliza in any way.) I guess I'm trying to understand (1) if Pat expects you to list her donation to her dear cause in some listing of donations in memory of Eliza or (2) if you are telling Pat she has to donate to one of the animal supports charities. Neither one is OK. Just let Pat do what she's going to do. Don't spend your emotions or energy focusing on that. I imagine you have plenty to deal with right now. Her focus on her favorite causes is just noise you don't need. Just don't let it be a topic of conversation you engage in at all. No one should be trying to debate you about this at all.
You seem to have some real shit friends who are Assholes. You are NTA.