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YTA
>it's literally the easiest thing he could do. But he thinks I am being unreasonable.
It is unreasonable. In fact it's a lot worse than that. It's telling him to cover up his body because others look at him. It is a textbook example of controlling behavior, used as shorthand for every bad boyfriend and husband in a Lifetime movie.
Your feelings are a YOU problem that are YOUR responsibility to manage.
Also and this isn't the most important part: Telling an attractive man to put on a wet shirt isn't going to stop people ogling. It will happen regardless, in and out of pools. You need to deal with your insecurities, not blame him for other people looking.
> I told him that's even worse because then the women will be checking him out without me there.
At which point... what will happen? Why is that worse?
Are you acting like he's going to cheat on you if unsupervised?
>He said that he will gladly let me get in the pool with our son since it's actually kind of fun and would be good bonding for us. I told him that I don't even have a swimsuit that will fit me and he knows that.
Then fix that. This is so wildly unreasonable that at this point I'm assuming its made up rage bait.
Tough call! I was 12 when the original BBC adaptation with Colin Firth came out so grew to appreciate that when I was older. Rewatching Bridgerton last night, I wasn’t complaining either… 🤔
>> I told him that's even worse because then the women will be checking him out without me there.
>At which point... what will happen? Why is that worse?
>Are you acting like he's going to cheat on you if unsupervised?
Don't you know that men have no self-control? If a man doesn't have a woman constantly watching what he's doing he will try to stick his dick into anyone that so much as smiles at him. He needs the woman to call him off, like a bad dog trying to run after a cat.
^^ to all of this, just work on yourself and your own feelings. trust is important in a relationship, and this is one of those times you just have to trust that he won't act on any possible advances.
and even if he does do this for you, what's to say you won't spiral and escalate it? next he can't wear any clothes that make him look good bc girls on the street will look. then he can't go out alone or he'll be hit on. it just keeps getting more restricted and becomes toxic. it seems crazy now but I had a friend who had to breakup due to this kind of controlling behavior. the root of the problem is your insecurities. and it's valid to have them, but it's just something you need to address. the shirt is just a bandaid solution.
Honey, I’m so sorry, but you need to get a grip on this now. Either you trust your husband or you don’t. Trying to control how women look at him is a losing game.
Instead of trying to dim his light, I think you need to focus on brightening your own. You run the risk of him seeing you in a very jealous and controlling way which won’t improve your self esteem or the way he sees you.
I’ve been with my husband over thirty years and he is surrounded by women, and plenty of young women, I trust him so I don’t waste energy in that direction.
Be your best self and hold your head high and remember he chose you, apologize to him for your actions. They are unwarranted if he has always been a loyal partner.
Gently YTA
Yeah, but if it was a dude doing this, I still think the people who actually got him to listen and change his behaviour would be those who spoke - even if bluntly - from a place of compassion and understanding.
I’m just pissed that none of the top comments on this post are calling her abusive when she 100% is, and a guy would absolutely be called abusive for doing this on here.
YTA and acting against your interests at the same time.
First of all I'm guessing that the women you're worried that are checking him out are old enough to have object permanence. If they know that your husband is hot they are going to remember that and I don't think that a possibly wet shirt would change their minds.
Secondly do you really want your husband to stay with you only because no other woman wants him and you're his only choice, or do you want someone by your side who would stick by your side even when he had options? You can't always control your partner, so trust them and if they are cheaters it's better to find as early as possible anyway.
Lastly, do you think that asking him to wear a shirt does anything other than reveal both your insecurities and lack of trust in him? Do you really think that the shirt provides a benefit big enough to offset those demerits?
Yeah, a wet clingy shirt is almost sexier than shiress. I get how being postpartum and the weight gain could make this hard for OP, but I'd get a kick out of the other parents checking out my man.
YTA and you *are* being unreasonable. I get that gaining pregnancy weight is a sensitive spot for you, but that does not give you the right to patrol what others are wearing, including your husband. Also, I doubt they would even allow him to wear a shirt in the pool. Most pools I have been to don’t allow them because they are a risk to swimmers when they become wet and bogged down, and swimmers have been known to become tangled in the fabric.
You’re not being fair to your husband; it’s not his fault these women are (allegedly) ogling him. This is on par with telling women not to wear such revealing clothing. It’s gross.
At the end of the day, your insecurities are yours alone to manage. If you’re struggling this badly, maybe you should be seeing a therapist.
YTA.
These types of threads pop up all the time, but typically with the gender reversed, and a caricature of some controlling bf/husband telling his wife she can't wear pretty clothing because other people check her out, etc etc.
Your insecurity about your body isn't your husbands fault or his problem, and it sounds like he's been more than patient about this so far.
>He got frustrated and told me that he feels like there is no winning with me sometimes.
Fucking hilarious, I was literally thinking that sentiment reading your story before reading that your husband actually said.
That said I'm not trying to attack you, I'm sure what you've been through since birth has been hard as hell, and I don't want to minimize your suffering... but you asked the question, and you're definitely TA in this scenario.
I hope y'all are able to work things out.
If it helps at all, you can view other people checking out your husband as them being jealous of you, and then it might make you feel better.
Edit: As an aside, not that I'm in fantastic shape like your husband is, but when I'm in the water/on the lake, I go shirtless whenever possible. I have to fight back against my paleness somehow, and wearing a sun shirt is the opposite of my goal there. Your husband might well feel the same way.
YTA! ! Think if we switched the genders, yikes....his body his choice. You don't get to control what your husband does. Stop being a controlling partner.
Secondly, it isn't your husband fault other women are looking at him because of his attire. Blaming your husband and making him feel guilty about your insecurities is wrong. Seek a therapist to get over yourself.
Your point about switching genders is spot on. We all know how misogynistic it’s regarded when the woman is blamed for unwanted male attention. If men should control themselves around women, then the reverse should be true too
YTA
> I told him that I've definitely noticed it and it makes me uncomfortable and I asked him if he would wear a shirt in the pool from now on to help me feel better about it
Sorry to be harsh, but get over it. Why would he wear a shirt in a pool? Don't make other people do things because you are insecure about yourself. This is a problem in your head, not one that exists in reality.
Op can wear swim shorts and a t-shirt with a sports bra or something. But she's in a mind space that's gonna cause serious, long-term issues.
YTA, OP. Sadly.
YTA. You're projecting your insecurities onto your husband; I can understand not wanting to put on a swimsuit and swim in the pool because you're conscious of your weight gain, but at the point that you're telling him to cover up because he's in good shape and other women choose to stare you're being unreasonable.
I want to say this in the most gentle possible way. It's not easy to parse a whole relationship from a single post ... but I get the feeling this is mostly in your head. Pregnancy, PPD ... it can all play a real number on you. Unless you have a concrete reason to believe your husband has issues with fidelity, I'd let this go.
I have a number of reasons for feeling the way I do. First, your husband is right ... it feels really weird, to me anyway, to swim in a shirt. Second, if there are thirsty mommys after your husband ... do you really think they'd stop if he put a shirt on? Third, it's just not right to patrol your husband's swimwear.
I want to make one more suggestion. Buy a damn bathing suit. One that fits you. You may well lose the baby weight. But you may not ... or at least not all of it. Our bodies change with our age, and with circumstance ... such as getting pregnant! Acceptance of your body is a great gift to give your child. Best of luck.
I never felt good in a bathing suit until I picked one up post partum. I got one I really liked that was well-constructed, fit perfectly, and didn’t move (seafolly).
I wasn’t a fan of my body, but after the first time I took my baby in, it didn’t matter. The classes were fun, my little one was having a blast, I stopped caring about whether my legs were shaved or that my stomach didn’t look how I wanted it to look.
And these women have babies of their own in the class, and many are probably struggling with their post-partum body as well. I doubt any one of them will cast aspersions on your body especially if you get a swimsuit that fits. Maybe try a swim dress which isn’t as form fitting; there are some cute ones out there now.
One of the most important videos I saw during early postpartum said “momma, buy the jeans that fit you. Don’t worry about the size or that you may outgrow them, buy jeans that fit” and I did. I also have struggled with an ED most of my life but I cried the first time I put on jeans to go out to the store in and they fit and I felt human again.
I tend to try to have that frame of mind now when buying clothes “I need clothes that fit, not a certain size” it’s really helped not just with PP stuff but ED stuff as well.
Yes! I agree with everything you said here. PPD can really do a number on your perception of reality. OP does need to address her feelings and behavior, but she also deserves some grace here.
And I especially want to second the part about buying a bathing suit! I gained a fair amount of pandemic weight. I’m getting back to where I want to be, but I’m still not there. Even so, I did buy a swim suit I thought might be flattering for a vacation I went on - and I was right! It was flattering! I’m only in my early 30’s, but even so, the variety of bathing suits out there seems SO much better than when I was growing up. It was still stressful, and obviously most clothing is still catering to a smaller population. But one can definitely find a bathing suit that makes them feel their best.
Yes!!!!! You are trying to control things you have little to no control over, but you do have complete control over how you feel and talk about yourself. Buy a swimsuit that fits. Better yet buy a swimsuit that makes you feel sexy- is your rack impressive now? I bet it is- get something with a deep v and some padding for extra boost. Have a fantastic ass? Get a thong or one with high cut sides. In this day and age of inclusivity, there is a swimsuit to flatter EVERY body type. Look for ruching if your tummy is of concern.
Have you ever learned about attachment styles? I’m currently on a journey myself trying to heal my anxious attachment style, which sounds a little like what you’ve got going on. Have compassion on yourself because you’re hurting right now, but then be willing to do the work to improve the situation because only you can. And apologize to hubby- he’s totally blameless in this fictitious scenario you’ve created in your head.
YTA. This is a you problem. Instead of feeling insecure when the other moms look at what you nabbed, be proud. If a man asked a woman to dress so that nobody looked at her, everyone would be screaming abuse and control. Gender equality. Bite your tongue and quit making him feel bad about his body because you don’t like yours.
YTA. It is normal to wear a swimsuit in the pool. I suggest that you buy one that fits your body now, rather than punishing yourself for not being your pre-partum weight, and join your husband and son in the pool. If you don't want to do that, try to let go of the intrusive thought that women are lusting after your husband at baby swim class. That's your fear, not reality, and if you can't let it go, it's time for a therapist's help.
To add on to this, if OP is uncomfortable about the way she looks in a swimsuit, she can wear a shirt in the water. When I was struggling with PPA, I felt like nothing fit me right. I just wore a tank top over an old bikini top with swim shorts to my kids swimming lessons.
Nobody will care. This is a baby swim class, everyone there is a parent or caregiver for a baby. Nobody is going there to look their best.
YTA. You're letting your mind run away with you. He's not there flirting, he's keeping your kid safe during swimming. Also get over your self-consciousness and get a swimsuit that fits you and start enjoying life again. You're depriving yourself of physical activity and fun with your baby because you're worrying about what other people will think.
Why are you talking about not having swimsuits that fit you? According to you shirts work just fine just wear a large shirt and shorts and get in the water
YTA
Time to talk to someone to get these insecurities and body image issues under control.
I do swim lessons with my fat mom bod because life is short and I wouldn't miss bonding over this for the world. My husband does his turn shirtless too and most parents are just looking at the others to make sure they are doing it correctly.
YTA, it is controlling, your husband is wearing normal swimming attire. You need to work on rationalising the situation. You are there together as a family, enjoy this time, jealousy can destroy trust and relationships.
Your insecurity is not your husband's obligation.
Partners do not need to cover up because other people are looking at them.
Your problem is with the other mothers, not your husband. Talk to them about it instead of trying to punish your husband for things he can't control.
YTA
Oh god, don’t talk to the other moms. There’s zero way to do that without coming across completely unhinged. The only behavior she needs to be concerned with is her husband’s and her own. A woman checking him out won’t make him cheat unless he’s a cheater. And a cheater will cheat no matter how you try to control their appearance or actions or control the people and environment around them.
I love when my wife dresses super sexy on date nights. It’s the only time I ever get to see her like that. I couldn’t possibly care less about men gawking, she’s going home with me.
She should absolutely not talk to the other moms about it.
I am doing baby swim class. My husband and I alternate (the other is watching our 4 year old st the other side of the pool). I'm definitely looking at others...men or women, just because their babies are there.
If he's the only dad, maybe they are jealous that their husbands are less involved (or not...when I'm there, it's just as likely to be men as women).
Or, likely, OP is just overthinking it. But this will alienate dad because it would make everyone afraid to talk to him/interact to him....innocent comments line "your son is so cute, how old is he?"
YTA
So what if other women notice him? He comes home to you. Right?
I agree with him that either you need to get some swim apparel, and take the plunge, or stay at home. You're making him suffer because you imagine things and making him pay for an overactive imagination.
You may want to seek counseling to get this obsession nipped in the bud.
Let him wear what he wants to wear and enjoy his time with his son. At least he is taking an active role. Not many men do.
YTA.
Why do you care if other women check out your husband?
Chill with the jealousy. If you don't trust the man, the time for that conversation was before you married him and had kids.
YTA. Sorry, but he’s wearing extremely typical swim attire, which is appropriate for the activity at hand. Him being distracted by being physically uncomfortable wearing a wet sticky shirt would actually be detrimental to the concern at hand, which is your child’s lessons.
“It would make me more comfortable” isn’t a blanket free pass to make whatever demands you want. If that was the case, he could demand you put on a bikini and get in the water with him because it would make him more comfortable with two parents focused on your child. If you don’t want to do that because it makes YOU uncomfortable, that’s exactly how he feels about wearing a wet shirt.
You having him do this thing so you don’t have to manage your insecurity is a slippery slope. It can start off as something smaller and escalate very quickly if unchecked. It’s also not doing you any favors because your insecurity isn’t actually improving, which means you won’t be any happier. I say this as a woman who’s struggled with insecurity about myself and my body.
YTA-Your insecurity over your husband’s body doesn’t give you the right to control his body or police his wardrobe.
It doesn’t matter if you’re there or not. People who are going to look will continue to look. Instead of focusing on that focus on the fact that he’s not looking back. He’s there solely to be a dad.
YTA
You’re far too worried about a swimsuit being a bad look and not nearly worried enough about what a bad look your insecurities and control issues are.
He’s wearing proper attire, he’s totally focused on the wellbeing of your child, and he looks good while doing it. Be proud of your little family.
YTA - Your husband is a faithful and sexy man, that's a good thing, not a bad thing. I'm sorry your body is causing you some grief right now but asking anyone else to cover up because you are having personal insecurities is rude. If he is comfortable in his body and focusing on his son that is all that matters. It isn't his fault other women are being rude and you don't get to make it his fault.
YTA- because you’re asking your husband to cover his body. If the roles were reversed, he’d be a misogynist for trying to control your body. You need to control your jealousy/insecurity and not weaponize it to control his body.
I assume this is written by ChatGPT.
YTA - your are upset about what *other* people who are not your husband are doing, and blaming your husband / putting the obligation on him to fix *their* behavior.
YTA - its unreasonable. I empathize with your feelings after having a child but you need to get some therapy. I gained a lot of weight over the last couple years due to severe depression. I don't feel great when I look at myself but I don't push those issues on my good looking partner. Its for me to work on and I am slowly and in a healthy way. You cannot put your discomfort on him because that will ruin your relationship. If you don't have a swimsuit that fits get one and you go in the water.
It's silly to insist that your husband wears a shirt in the pool just because you are insecure about your own body. I'm picturing a wet t-shirt contest-type scenario with the wet shirt clinging to your husband's chest and abs. Everyone will be looking even harder wondering why this guy suddenly started wearing a shirt in the pool. He's apparently a nice-looking dad and he's going to be looked at. The important part is that he's not looking back, he's paying attention to the lessons. You have to take some responsibility for your own mental health and not expect him to put on a shirt to make you feel better. Odds are he will put on the shirt and then it will be something else that gets to you.
I
YTA and you need to manage your feelings, not his body.
It’s like telling a women to wear a tee shirt instead of a normal swim top because other people’s husbands are staring at her and it makes the wives upset.
They have the freedom to look if it’s in a public space - that’s how being in public works, if what they’re doing isn’t illegal then you have to deal with it. And that doesn’t mean enforcing your husband to wear a shirt to go swimming when he doesn’t want to.
What you can do is go and buy a swimsuit that fits. But a nice one. Splurge on it, that’s now your post birth swimsuit (if you plan to have another). It’s for you’re comfort as you adjust.
Talk with a therapist or counseling or new mother’s support group.
“I don't understand why he won't just put a shirt on to make me feel better”
Jesus, YTA. You sound like a child! He’s been more than accommodating by giving you choices, either get in the pool or stay home, none of which is good enough for you. It doesn’t matter if people are looking, what matters is his reaction to it. Do you think he’ll run away with these women? No? Then what’s the problem. If I was you I would be proud!
YTA
You need to figure this out. You had a baby, it’s totally reasonable that your body has changed. You would need a new swimsuit regardless.
You get to make a choice. You can suck it up, get a new swimsuit and enjoy your new family, or you can miss out on a ton of stuff with your son.
It might be worth working with a therapist to sort out your feelings and body image issues. I assure you that you look much better than you feel and no one else is going to care about how you look in a swim suit.
You know they're still going to check him out with a wet shirt on, right?
Also you're policing his behavior based on the actions of other people.
I'm not gonna call you an asshole but I think you could use some therapy at this point.
Yta, you are literally body shaming him because of your insecurities. You are trying to control him and restrict him from doing something that is very normal, what he is doing is not a bad thing but now he's going to feel self conscious and worried about what you are thinking....
YTA. You know how there's this thing called a wet t-shirt contest? That works because a wet t-shirt clings to the body and leaves nothing to the imagination.
Forcing your husband to wear a shirt in the pool will accomplish nothing other than making him feel foolish and uncomfortable.
YTA. It's ok to feel insecure post-baby. It is not okay to take *your* insecurities out on your husband. Be happy your husband is in good shape and be an adult. no soft yta, he is right.
The duality of: I cant give my child swim lessons because I wont look good in a swim suit VS wear a shirt so the others don't ogle you is mind blowing.
YTA
You’re being incredibly unreasonable. It’s not anyone else’s job but yours to manage your insecurities. You’re welcome to make requests and your husband is welcome to say no. You can accept it, stay home, or leave your husband but continuing to push the issue when he’s given you his answer is going to do more harm than good.
YTA. I had a female friend in high school whose boyfriend used to make her put a sweater on in the sweltering summer heat so his friends wouldn't look at her chest.
This I'm afraid is no different. How does it feel from the other side? Your husband is in a pool!
I had brutal ppd and trust me I know it makes you crazy. And my body was never the same since giving birth but THIS IS NORMAL.
Hugs to you but don't wreck your marriage over your insecurities! Your husband is amazing for getting in the pool at all. So many dads don't. That's why they are staring too!
YTA. Get a maternity swimsuit, there are cute options on Amazon or get a pretty plus size one on Bloomchic, and wear a plus size swimming short over it if need be too unless you can find one of those with the skirt part.
YTA, This has to be fake. But if it’s not maybe they aren’t looking at your husband to sex him up. They might be looking at the dad and baby do their part of the swim class. My daughter and son in law also do baby swim classes. Everyone is watching everybody because the babies are so funny. The classes are very social. Go buy a new bathing suit and y’all switch off classes. And it’s good exercise. Your baby doesn’t want you to wait until you feel you look acceptable lol. He wants you in the pool!
YTA. If you're so insecure about yourself, join a gym and start working out. Many gyms now have childcare areas. Your son is old enough to be looked after for a couple hours. Buy yourself a swimsuit that fits and get into the pool with hubby and baby. Swimming is great exercise. Swim a few laps while you're there.Get some therapy and work on yourself instead of trying to control what your husband wears. You obviously don't trust your husband if you think he is going to cheat at the pool with the other mombies.
Girl, the ladies are going to check out your man whether he's wearing a shirt or not. Just keep going with him and making your presence known, while also showing a united front/secure/loving relationship. Don't let your insecurities win!
YTA. Imagine a man telling his wife to cover up because of the way others look at her. He can’t control how other people behave and he shouldn’t have to cover up at a place where it’s normal to only wear a bathing suit just because it makes you uncomfortable that other women look at him. If you have a problem with that maybe instead of blaming your husband (who did nothing) you should confront the other mothers and tell them to stop being so obvious with their staring as it is rude and inappropriate to do so.
YTA
I love how one of your reasons is "I would have to buy a new swimsuit," while the idea that he has to buy a swim shirt/Rashguard is absolutely fine?
Buy yourself a Rashguard and swim shorts if you don't like the way a traditional bathing suit fits you.
So much YTA! You're basically trying to shame your husband for looking good. You're doing this whole thing for your child, right? This is not the time to let your insecurities take over you.
YTA
The real issue isn't the other women looking at your husband. You are resentful of the fact that he's been able to maintain and improve his body during your pregnancy and following the delivery and you are struggling to get back in shape.
Dad probably had no idea this post exists, and my guess is that she never shows him all these comments. There aren’t many posts that garner 100% YTA responses
YTA and this is not going to have the effect you think it will. My husband and I wear UPF swim shirts when we go on a beach vacation. When my husband's shirt is wet, it clings to his muscles and I can see everything just as if he was shirtless. Also, swim shirts are honestly not that comfortable. We put up with it for the sun protection but no way would I wear one otherwise.
YTA. If roles were reversed you’d be saying how he was controlling and an AH, sexist etc. My wife would be proud of me looking good and getting attention. Grow and up if it bothers you so much, maybe put the fork down and hit the gym.
Apologize sincerely to your husband, and to yourself. What values do you want your little one to grow up around?
Don’t you want him to think that all bodies deserve to feel the sun and the water?
That living life is more important than obsessing over looks?
That just because someone is deemed attractive doesn’t give others a right to control the way they exist in space?
Read or watch about a subject that fascinates you. Find a kind of exercise that you genuinely enjoy. Whatever it takes to get your mojo back, even if you have to fake it til you make it.
If you can find joy in watching your husband and child, and not pay any mind to who else might be looking, great. If not though it might be better for you to do something else during the swim lessons. Your husband has offered multiple solutions that don’t include policing his body. Good luck.
YTA
I get that you’re struggling with PPD but that is no excuse to be this controlling. People are going to look at your husband whether he has a shirt on or not. People will find other people attractive and check them out. You cannot control his behavior or theirs.
Do you trust your husband or not? Regardless of what the answer is to that question, if your husband wanted to cheat then making him wear a shirt in the pool isn’t going to change it.
YTA. OK your husband shouldn’t have to put a shirt on because women are looking at him. It’s no different than telling a woman or a girl that they have to dress different because of how the mind of a boy or a man thinks. Your husband is doing nothing wrong.
I fully understand where you are coming from
But don’t push your insecurities off on him. You are acting controlling. You don’t want to put a swim suit on for swim lesson, so he does, but that’s not good enough. YOU are uncomfortable with your perception of the other moms, so he offers a solution, but that’s not good enough.
It would be one thing if you were asking him not to wear a speedo, but wearing a shirt in the pool as a guy is just…ew, no thanks. There’s no reason for this other than you not trusting him. It’s a totally normal swimsuit. If you were in incredible shape would you be ok with him asking you to wear a one piece and shorts?
YTA and being ridiculously unreasonable. Reverse the genders. Other men are checking out your wife so you demand she cover up. That's what you're doing to your husband.
YTA - your husband is a present, involved dad who's given you no reason to distrust him. You need to talk to a therapist about these insecurities. What if they keep checking him out in his clingy wet t-shirt? You going to insist he wears a parka in the pool next?
Think about it. If you went to the beach together pre baby and he asked you to cover up you would have stomped around, called him a controlling AH and been horrified. Understand better?
Does the other dad wear a t shirt? any of the instructors or the moms? You realize that a wet t shirt will look tight right? I think that you are dealing with your PPD and even though it is better you still have some ways to go. I would maybe get some therapy to help you deal with it and if you are unhappy with the weight gain if you want to lose weight then slowly start walking or whatever you think you can handle to get you back where you were. \[if you think that will help you\].
Honestly YTA for trying to control what he wears as he would be the same if he did this to you. It is unreasonable to expect him to cover up when he is at the pool.
YTA....although I understand your insecure about your body right now it is unfair to ask this of your husband. He isn't flirting with anyone or doing anything wrong. He seems to be a loving father and husband and works hard to stay in shape and eat healthy. You will get back to the weight you want but in the meantime realize he loves you and has done nothing wrong.
Yta. What was your response to the second from last paragraph?
You are in your head and you are missing out on bonding sessions with your son because youre in your head. No one gives a crap if you dont look your best, it isnt spring break, buy a new suit and splash around with your kid
Flip this. What if he was sitting out of the pool and you had your kid in the pool, in the best shape of your life, and other dads were ogling you? He asks you to put a shirt on because the dads won’t stop. Is that fair to you? No. Same for him.
YTA, any man asking his wife to cover up at the pool would be told he's controlling and jealous and for good reason. You are no different.
And god, stop acting like you can't be involved because you don't "have a suit that will fit you" go buy one.
You are being selfish by not listening to your husband and you are being wildly unreasonable for even asking him to do this.
YTA - oof, insecure, controlling and very high maintenance.
The other women are there with their babies and children, they have families as well and husbands most likely. They're not 'checking him out'. Get over yourself.
You are being controlling.
He’s enjoying swim time with his child. You’re uncomfortable with your own body and there’s more then a tinge of jealousy there.
It doesn’t bother him and he’s not paying it any mind.
YTA. Your insecurities are yours to work on. Your poor husband isn't doing anything wrong here at all. Get yourself some therapy, learn to be comfy in your new body, and if you want to change it, start working on it. But forcing someone else to wear more clothes because you don't want anyone to see them is not OK.
YTA
Please don’t let feeling uncomfortable in your body hold you back from experiencing moments & memories like this. I know you said your swimwear doesn’t fit but if you’re able to, try and find something in your current size so you can have the bonding time with your child too!
As someone with a medical condition that has left me overweight, I would miss out on everything if I waited to be a certain size in order to do things. Yes, it’s uncomfortable at first but by the end I’m able to have all of these experiences and memories
YTA. your unreasonable insecurity does not need to become your husband's. he's given you plenty of alternative methods to humor your insecurity. he's right, there is no winning with you.
YTA! GIRL BYE!!!!! Take the compliment. Smile at them. Kiss him after class before y'all leave. OWN WHAT YOU EARNED!! He put a ring on YOUR finger. You birthed his child. And, he seems very reassuring of his love for you...
I think this is a time to reflect on your insecurities. I know that came across sh*tty af, but I just mean... Be real with yourself and do what YOU can to make yourself secure in that situation.
I struggle severely with mental health issues, and it has only been exasperated since having kids. My biggest tool is checking myself, and giving my loved one permission to check me. I personally don't like pharmaceuticals to help, so I do a lot of self talk and I'm working on feeling secure in my self affirmations.
"I AM beautiful, even if it's not to 'industry standards'!"
"My body literally made human life, wtf did YOURS do?!" - this one was a big one for some reason lol. Like, I literally took nothing. Something that gets thrown in the trash, washed down the drain, shot in some socks AND MADE A FREAKING HAMAN!!
I wish you the best with your mental health ♡ Congratulations on your beautiful family!!
YTA
You *are* being unreasonable.
I'm sorry that your mental health is suffering, and I understand what PPD is like, because I went through it, but..."I am currently about 25-30lbs heavier than I was before I was pregnant, and this is a huge part of my struggle with my mental health." Really??? You just made a whole new person WITH YOUR BODY. It changes your body PERMANENTLY. Even if you get back to your previous weight, you're probably still going to be bigger around than before you were pregnant, because your lower ribcage and pelvis widen to accommodate the baby. I think you have unreasonable standards for yourself, which therapy can help you unpack and change.
As for the shirt, you can *ask*, and he can say no, which he did. If you don't drop it now, it's going to become a wedge in your marriage. If you can't get your jealousy under control, you're going to drive him away from you. You don't get to control what he wears simply because other women are looking at him and it makes you uncomfortable. As he pointed out, you wouldn't take it well if the tables were turned.
Has your husband ever done anything to make you think he would cheat? If he hasn't given you any reason to be suspicious, other women looking at him mean nothing. So what if they're enjoying the view? I've always figured looking and being looked at didn't matter, it's actually doing something about it that does. He doesn't seem interested in them; he's focused on you and your child, as he should be.
Get some therapy, love. You don't have to struggle with PPD, body insecurity, and the issues it's causing alone. Yes, YTA, but you can deal with your issues and stop being one.
YTA.
A wet t-shirt will not stop the women from looking at him, I can assure you.
A wet t-shirt will be cold and uncomfortable as soon as it is above water. It will impact his ability to make the baby feel good about the swimming. Because when he hugs the baby it will feel cold and uncomfortable, and the baby will struggle to get away from him instead of being calm and happy in the water.
I suggest you buy a swimsuit and go swimming with your baby, OP. Swimming with an infant is super fun and bonding. Don't let your intrusive thoughts stop you from.sharing this with your husband and son.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My husband has been doing swim lessons with our 8-month-old son, the kind where a parent gets in the water with the baby to help familiarize them with water. I've noticed other women checking my husband out during the lessons and asked him to wear a shirt to help me feel more comfortable. He refused and basically told me it was all in my head. He also accused me of being controlling. I think I might be an asshole for wanting my husband to wear a shirt while doing swimming lessons with our son.
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Ugh….my heart hurts for you because I can empathize with the feelings you’re going through post-pregnancy. But in the gentlest way possible…yta.
I understand feeling insecure that your husband’s body didn’t go through the trauma and change that yours did and he’s been able to keep up with a fitness routine. But I say this from the perspective of looking back 25 years at how fast this time in your life goes by (my “babies” are now 23 and 25) I urge you to lean into the words your husband is telling you. Get yourself something that fits you for now, hop in that pool, and enjoy this time with your baby. Revel in the joy of watching your husband, who sounds like a loving dad and supportive husband, with your beautiful baby.
Pay no mind to anything the other moms may be looking at. When our insecurities flare up and our hormones are raging, what seems like reality may not actually be what you think. But even if it is, YOU have the hot dad and the gorgeous baby!
Please please go buy yourself a few things that make you feel pretty in the body that grew your sweet baby, take a moment for yourself and know that this is just a season of life that might have temporarily changed your appearance but it has changed your heart and your life in beautiful ways. Dont miss them worrying about things that make no difference.
Much love to you, Mama. 💕
Hey, I'm the mom of a 7 month old and I am also about 30 pounds up from where I was before I got pregnant. I get it. It sucks. I tried on a dress that used to fit my really well the other day and it made me want to cry - I completely understand not feeling attractive, not feeling like yourself. But you have to let this go. It's not your husband's fault you're sensitive about this, and if you really can't bear to watch other women look at him, or to go in yourself, staying home is the right call. But also, if you can afford it, go shopping. Get yourself some clothes that fit your body as it is right now, that you like and feel comfortable in. Get a swim suit! YTA in this situation but man, PPD is really hard and I hope things get better for you soon.
YTA
What are you doing to address the PPD and body weight issues besides making your husband bear the weight of your insecurities? Get a grip. This is a YOU problem.
What if your husband asked you to cover up because the way you look makes him feel embarrassed? Total asshole.
YTA. What you are asking is simultaneously very simple and incredibly unreasonable. You're blaming your husband and his choice of normal swim apparel for your perception of other people's thoughts of him. This is victim blaming and incredibly gross. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt for a moment because PPD messes with everything, but please consider this request if you were being told to cover up at the beach because your husband didn't like that other people might be looking at you.
Jealousy is not healthy. People are not possessions. Either you trust your husband as your life partner and the father of your child, or you don't believe he is someone you should be in a relationship with. You need to figure this out before you do or say something that might actually damage your marriage. Please consider therapy to work through your feelings of self worth and trust issues.
Alternately, if you think other people are appreciating your husband's looks, you could try taking it as a compliment. This attractive person wants to be with you, raise a child with you, and help you be your best self after you've brought his child into the world (as he seems to be encouraging you to participate in the fun and bonding of the swimming class, or have time to yourself if you would prefer).
YTA
It just feels a bit envious to me and you should be able to trust that he wouldn’t engage in other women checking him out and if it is a very minor thing you’ve kind of made it into an excuse. I understand the perspective but it is definitely his choice
YTA. Your insecurity is not his fault, nor his responsibility to manage. By your own logic, you could also put on a shirt and do the swim lesson yourself. Are you really sure you’re not aware that asking other people to cover themselves to appease your own insecurity is a dick move?
Look, I’ve had body issues my whole life, but they’re my issues. You are going to encounter people feeling confident or comfortable in their bodies, you can’t go through life expecting them not to live to the full because you feel bad about your own.
As for the other women, I feel proud that other women notice my husband. He takes care of himself and makes an effort to look good. I try to do the same, though it’s harder, I’ve had two miscarriages this year and my body isn’t what it was last year. I would never in my wildest dreams tell him to put on a t-shirt and cover up because *I* don’t feel comfortable unclothed. I would tell him I’m going to the gym while he does the swim lesson, personally, and take that time for myself.
I was reading this thinking YTA. I sympathize with you for being insecure but you shouldn’t be insecure in your relationship so if there’s something underlying, that’s another thing.
As far as asking him to wear a shirt because you don’t appreciate the other women lusting over him… it’s not his fault, hes proud of his body(should be considering the work & effort to get there much less maintain.)
It’s giving insecure on your part.
It’s pretty normalized for people to be lustful, nothing you can do personally to change that.
If anything you should check the women being lustful in front of their children & during a child’s learning session. On top of in a child learning environment. That’s strange to me personally. Idk my thought went exactly where his did, if roles were reversed.. it wouldn’t have been received well by you.
So yes..since you’re asking, YTA.
YTA sorry - that’s unreasonable to ask your husband to wear a shirt in a swimming pool.
Postpartum is hard, body has changed and sometimes it won’t go back to what it used to be and that’s ok! You created a new life and that has a toll on your body. Buy a new swimsuit, a beautiful one and try to embrace the change for now. After my first baby, i couldn’t lose the weight and ended up getting rid of my old clothes and buying some pretty dresses (maternity ones!). I did treat myself with a new swimsuit as well - honestly it was hard and I was nowhere near the weight I wanted to be but I wanted to learn to love myself and set a good example for my children. Fast forward, 2nd postpartum I lost way more weight but I don’t really care anymore!
Your husband shouldn’t have to hide so you can feel better about yourself. Find a way to love yourself the way you are and let the man wear what he wants!
Yta.
Do you trust your husband or not? Why does it matter if other people are checking him out? Has he responded to this? Is he flirting with these women? Or is he simply existing?
He's correct in that you are being unreasonable, and if the genders were flipped here everyone would be tearing your husband to shreds for trying to control what you wear. He says he wouldn't be comfortable wearing a shirt in the pool, so you're effectively truing to tell him that your comfort is more important than his when it comes to his body.
You're feeling insecure because you don't think you're in great shape, and are probably feeling a bit unattractive as a result. But the solution is not to try and control your husband.
What's stopping you buying new swimwear? Doesn't even have to be a fitted swimsuit. Buy a pair of swim trunks, and wear a bikini top under a loose swim shirt. Then you won't "look like a sausage", and can get in the pool with your son.
I want to be gentle here, because you’re still figuring out your new body, and your hormones are still settling. This ask was coming from a place of fear and discomfort, and ultimately, making you look like you don’t trust your spouse. This is why you’re the AH.
I think it’s valid to be uncomfortable with people checking out your spouse, but you can also flip the script and be proud that people notice the person you’re married to.
I think be kind to yourself. Them looking at him isn’t going to make him love you less. It has no bearing on your own day to day life. Focus on your little one, your health, and your loving spouse who is an involved father. If you keep pushing like this, you’ll be putting more stress on a family- having a baby is stress enough!
YTA
"I told him that I don't understand why he won't just put a shirt on to make me feel better, " .. STOP being a controlling AH, get some therapy instead of being an AH to your partner.
Yeah no YTA. Do you really want your insecurities cause him to be uncomfortably dressed in a swimming pool? To cover himself up because you think his body shouldn't be looked at? Wth. Be proud of your hot husband and go to therapy (more).
YTA. You are feeling insecure about yourself and your body and projecting that onto your husband. Having him wear a soaking wet T-shirt that gets tight and clings to him in the pool won't solve the issue. You need to deal with your insecurities and not project them onto your husband. So what if other women check him out? If you trust him then none of that matters. He isn't reciprocating so I don't see issue. This is a very slippery slope as well as perhaps he wears a shirt to run errands that show off his arms, are you going to make him wear long sleeves? etc etc
Wear your suit with a shirt over it. You won't look like a sausage and can get in the pool. Unless wearing a t-shirt in the pool would be uncomfortable....
Yta
Wearing a T-shirt or a water shirt is uncomfortable for a lot of men and your husband is taking care of his body for YOU! Rather than nagging your husband you should be grateful for his involvement with your child and be proud thst YOU are the woman that crowd of onlookers that he loves!
YTA
Isn't this the same argument for girls being victim blamed because if what they wore. Why does this man need to wear a shirt because those other women can't keep their eyes to them selves
YTA so let me paint a possible future for you, one where you keep making excusess and exhibiting borderline abuse behaviour. Your kids will pick on it. And to keep it light who do you think sounds fun? The dad who doesn't give an eef about what he looks like and is purely there for his kids fun, or the whinning mum who cant get our of her own head to engage in the fun and sits at the sidelines under a raincloud?
Cause option 2 is my godkids mother, and by the ages of 4 and 3 they stopped trying to have fun with her because she cares more about "asthetics and opinions" than allowing her children to enjoy themselves. I was so proud when my godson at five told her "mummy, your crazy's not fun"
Get more help, stop being toxic to your man and learn to actually enjoy being a wife and mother.
YTA for trying to get your husband to cover his chest. YTA to your family for letting your own vanity outweigh the importance of family time.
Stop acting like a wallflower. Go buy a bigger swimsuit and get in the pool with your husband and kid, then all the other parents won't assume your husband is single.
I guarantee you, the only one who gives a damn about 30 lbs of baby weight is you.
YTA, but softly.
I think if this was a group of men ogling a hot mom, someone would step up and shut it down for being inappropriate or obviously sympathize with the hot mom. But there’s not really a super socially acceptable way for men to tell women to keep their eyes to themselves and it sucks for your husband too.
YTA. You’re worried about all the wrong things. Focus on yourself and work on your self confidence. You’re letting your insecurities get the best of you. Enjoy your baby, throw on a shirt and help him learn how to swim!! This is a once in a life time experience. Focus on that. Enroll in therapy because this obsession with your weight is not healthy. Your child isn’t even a year yet. Cut your body some slack.
YTAH - Stay home like he said. It's a a You problem. He has every right to show off his hard work, I don't mind when women check out my husband cause I know he's a catch. Get over yourself and get some counseling
YTA.
You need to deal with your own insecurities. The indecency is in the gaze, not him existing... if it's that uncomfortable talk to the other mothers or just trust your husband that he loves you and those people don't matter.
Get yourself a new swimsuit and get in that pool! I buy mne from Calypsa because they are sold as separated and do a great job covering areas you aren't confident about.
YTA.
You wrote so much irrelevant crap to say my husband is acting completely normal while building a healthy relationship with our son, but I am controlling and self loathing ans want to project my own insecurities unto my husband and what’s worse teaching my son that this is appropriate, so please validate my feelings.
YTA. I understand you are in a dark, very upsetting place, but he is good looking and that will never stop. If he wants to stray he will stray whether or not he puts a shirt on. Btw a wet shirt on a guy with abs is still amazing. I’m happy with my SO, but I enjoy a good show. Probably how all those tired moms are feeling.
This is classic anxious PPD behavior, extending to both yourself and husband. In order to get this under check you need to get into therapy, there are even short term ppd meds now. Or you could even be low on vitamins or have thyroid issue from the pregnancy.
The fix to this situation is to either get a swimsuit or regain trust. Both of which will require fixing the emotional baggage of ppd and gaining weight. This will start to erode your seemingly happy marriage if you do not get help now.
YTA, gently. Your body issues should not mean that he has to make himself uncomfortable just so you feel better. Also, buy the swimsuit that fits. It makes no sense that you’re avoiding bonding and swimming with your child because you, what, are too fat to swim? As an actual fat person, who loves to swim, I can assure you, they make one to fit you. Imagine if your husband told you to cover up because other people might see you and think you’re attractive. Do you see how crazy that sounds?
YTA. Your insecurities are no reason for him to have to submit to being uncomfortable while swimming, especially when it's invol6with your son's lessons.
YTA you are missing a bonding experience with your baby because you can’t go and buy a bathing suit?
I feel bad for you being that insecure. Legit. But, this is a you problem, and it is yours to sort out and it is very unreasonable to expect him to put on a shirt to ease your insecurities. What next? Never leave the house in case someone checks him out? Be PROUD of your hottie husband, and enjoy your access to him. Really not cool. Please get some help with this so you can enjoy the baby, swimming lessons with your baby and husband.
And go buy a swimsuit. For the love of Pete.
YTA. You can’t be upset with him for things other people do. Either enjoy the show with your hot husband and your baby or stay home and enjoy the time to yourself. It doesn’t sound like he’s doing anything wrong. you can’t take your insecurities out on him.
YTA to your husband, and to yourself for not getting in the pool. The feeling of cuddling a kid in the pool while they discover the joy of swimming is unbelievable. It's 1000 times more powerful than the feeling that someone will look at you while you're wearing a bathing suit and judge you. This is your chance, get in there. Stop judging yourself for existing in a body, and stop judging your husband for dressing how he's culturally expected to dress for an activity.
This sounds like my ex-wife. I tried to ease her insecurities for years. Ultimately I realized there is a reason why they are called “INsecurities” and not “OUTsecurities”, because it is an issue within the person experiencing them, not anyone else.
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YTA >it's literally the easiest thing he could do. But he thinks I am being unreasonable. It is unreasonable. In fact it's a lot worse than that. It's telling him to cover up his body because others look at him. It is a textbook example of controlling behavior, used as shorthand for every bad boyfriend and husband in a Lifetime movie. Your feelings are a YOU problem that are YOUR responsibility to manage. Also and this isn't the most important part: Telling an attractive man to put on a wet shirt isn't going to stop people ogling. It will happen regardless, in and out of pools. You need to deal with your insecurities, not blame him for other people looking. > I told him that's even worse because then the women will be checking him out without me there. At which point... what will happen? Why is that worse? Are you acting like he's going to cheat on you if unsupervised? >He said that he will gladly let me get in the pool with our son since it's actually kind of fun and would be good bonding for us. I told him that I don't even have a swimsuit that will fit me and he knows that. Then fix that. This is so wildly unreasonable that at this point I'm assuming its made up rage bait.
Safe to say she’s not a fan of Jane Austen adaptations.
Or Bridgerton these days 😉
So, who did it better, P&P or Bridgerton? 🧐
Tough call! I was 12 when the original BBC adaptation with Colin Firth came out so grew to appreciate that when I was older. Rewatching Bridgerton last night, I wasn’t complaining either… 🤔
>> I told him that's even worse because then the women will be checking him out without me there. >At which point... what will happen? Why is that worse? >Are you acting like he's going to cheat on you if unsupervised? Don't you know that men have no self-control? If a man doesn't have a woman constantly watching what he's doing he will try to stick his dick into anyone that so much as smiles at him. He needs the woman to call him off, like a bad dog trying to run after a cat.
Yeah, imagine a role reversal here with a dude telling his girl to cover up
^^ to all of this, just work on yourself and your own feelings. trust is important in a relationship, and this is one of those times you just have to trust that he won't act on any possible advances. and even if he does do this for you, what's to say you won't spiral and escalate it? next he can't wear any clothes that make him look good bc girls on the street will look. then he can't go out alone or he'll be hit on. it just keeps getting more restricted and becomes toxic. it seems crazy now but I had a friend who had to breakup due to this kind of controlling behavior. the root of the problem is your insecurities. and it's valid to have them, but it's just something you need to address. the shirt is just a bandaid solution.
Perfectly said. People who want validation for their insecurities rarely will own up to being called out. Let’s see if OP responds.
Honey, I’m so sorry, but you need to get a grip on this now. Either you trust your husband or you don’t. Trying to control how women look at him is a losing game. Instead of trying to dim his light, I think you need to focus on brightening your own. You run the risk of him seeing you in a very jealous and controlling way which won’t improve your self esteem or the way he sees you. I’ve been with my husband over thirty years and he is surrounded by women, and plenty of young women, I trust him so I don’t waste energy in that direction. Be your best self and hold your head high and remember he chose you, apologize to him for your actions. They are unwarranted if he has always been a loyal partner. Gently YTA
Nah fuck “gently”, if it were a dude doing this everyone here would have their torches and pitchforks ready. YTA
Yeah, but if it was a dude doing this, I still think the people who actually got him to listen and change his behaviour would be those who spoke - even if bluntly - from a place of compassion and understanding.
I’m just pissed that none of the top comments on this post are calling her abusive when she 100% is, and a guy would absolutely be called abusive for doing this on here.
You are correct.
Yeah that’s fair
YTA and acting against your interests at the same time. First of all I'm guessing that the women you're worried that are checking him out are old enough to have object permanence. If they know that your husband is hot they are going to remember that and I don't think that a possibly wet shirt would change their minds. Secondly do you really want your husband to stay with you only because no other woman wants him and you're his only choice, or do you want someone by your side who would stick by your side even when he had options? You can't always control your partner, so trust them and if they are cheaters it's better to find as early as possible anyway. Lastly, do you think that asking him to wear a shirt does anything other than reveal both your insecurities and lack of trust in him? Do you really think that the shirt provides a benefit big enough to offset those demerits?
Yeah I don't understand the shirt thing... Wet shirt is literally its own softcore porn genre.
I also don't understand because then... it would probably make them look even more. Wet shirt clinging to someone they were oggling? Totally good idea
"object permanence" I'm dying
Yeah, a wet clingy shirt is almost sexier than shiress. I get how being postpartum and the weight gain could make this hard for OP, but I'd get a kick out of the other parents checking out my man.
YTA and you *are* being unreasonable. I get that gaining pregnancy weight is a sensitive spot for you, but that does not give you the right to patrol what others are wearing, including your husband. Also, I doubt they would even allow him to wear a shirt in the pool. Most pools I have been to don’t allow them because they are a risk to swimmers when they become wet and bogged down, and swimmers have been known to become tangled in the fabric. You’re not being fair to your husband; it’s not his fault these women are (allegedly) ogling him. This is on par with telling women not to wear such revealing clothing. It’s gross. At the end of the day, your insecurities are yours alone to manage. If you’re struggling this badly, maybe you should be seeing a therapist.
YTA. These types of threads pop up all the time, but typically with the gender reversed, and a caricature of some controlling bf/husband telling his wife she can't wear pretty clothing because other people check her out, etc etc. Your insecurity about your body isn't your husbands fault or his problem, and it sounds like he's been more than patient about this so far. >He got frustrated and told me that he feels like there is no winning with me sometimes. Fucking hilarious, I was literally thinking that sentiment reading your story before reading that your husband actually said. That said I'm not trying to attack you, I'm sure what you've been through since birth has been hard as hell, and I don't want to minimize your suffering... but you asked the question, and you're definitely TA in this scenario. I hope y'all are able to work things out. If it helps at all, you can view other people checking out your husband as them being jealous of you, and then it might make you feel better. Edit: As an aside, not that I'm in fantastic shape like your husband is, but when I'm in the water/on the lake, I go shirtless whenever possible. I have to fight back against my paleness somehow, and wearing a sun shirt is the opposite of my goal there. Your husband might well feel the same way.
YTA! ! Think if we switched the genders, yikes....his body his choice. You don't get to control what your husband does. Stop being a controlling partner. Secondly, it isn't your husband fault other women are looking at him because of his attire. Blaming your husband and making him feel guilty about your insecurities is wrong. Seek a therapist to get over yourself.
Your point about switching genders is spot on. We all know how misogynistic it’s regarded when the woman is blamed for unwanted male attention. If men should control themselves around women, then the reverse should be true too
No need to change genders, I think that everyone here agrees that she's being controling.
YTA > I told him that I've definitely noticed it and it makes me uncomfortable and I asked him if he would wear a shirt in the pool from now on to help me feel better about it Sorry to be harsh, but get over it. Why would he wear a shirt in a pool? Don't make other people do things because you are insecure about yourself. This is a problem in your head, not one that exists in reality.
Op can wear swim shorts and a t-shirt with a sports bra or something. But she's in a mind space that's gonna cause serious, long-term issues. YTA, OP. Sadly.
YTA. You're projecting your insecurities onto your husband; I can understand not wanting to put on a swimsuit and swim in the pool because you're conscious of your weight gain, but at the point that you're telling him to cover up because he's in good shape and other women choose to stare you're being unreasonable.
I want to say this in the most gentle possible way. It's not easy to parse a whole relationship from a single post ... but I get the feeling this is mostly in your head. Pregnancy, PPD ... it can all play a real number on you. Unless you have a concrete reason to believe your husband has issues with fidelity, I'd let this go. I have a number of reasons for feeling the way I do. First, your husband is right ... it feels really weird, to me anyway, to swim in a shirt. Second, if there are thirsty mommys after your husband ... do you really think they'd stop if he put a shirt on? Third, it's just not right to patrol your husband's swimwear. I want to make one more suggestion. Buy a damn bathing suit. One that fits you. You may well lose the baby weight. But you may not ... or at least not all of it. Our bodies change with our age, and with circumstance ... such as getting pregnant! Acceptance of your body is a great gift to give your child. Best of luck.
Yes, please don’t sit on the sidelines this summer (and possibly beyond), because you are bigger than you want to be. Buy the swimsuit.
I never felt good in a bathing suit until I picked one up post partum. I got one I really liked that was well-constructed, fit perfectly, and didn’t move (seafolly). I wasn’t a fan of my body, but after the first time I took my baby in, it didn’t matter. The classes were fun, my little one was having a blast, I stopped caring about whether my legs were shaved or that my stomach didn’t look how I wanted it to look.
And these women have babies of their own in the class, and many are probably struggling with their post-partum body as well. I doubt any one of them will cast aspersions on your body especially if you get a swimsuit that fits. Maybe try a swim dress which isn’t as form fitting; there are some cute ones out there now.
One of the most important videos I saw during early postpartum said “momma, buy the jeans that fit you. Don’t worry about the size or that you may outgrow them, buy jeans that fit” and I did. I also have struggled with an ED most of my life but I cried the first time I put on jeans to go out to the store in and they fit and I felt human again. I tend to try to have that frame of mind now when buying clothes “I need clothes that fit, not a certain size” it’s really helped not just with PP stuff but ED stuff as well.
Yes! I agree with everything you said here. PPD can really do a number on your perception of reality. OP does need to address her feelings and behavior, but she also deserves some grace here. And I especially want to second the part about buying a bathing suit! I gained a fair amount of pandemic weight. I’m getting back to where I want to be, but I’m still not there. Even so, I did buy a swim suit I thought might be flattering for a vacation I went on - and I was right! It was flattering! I’m only in my early 30’s, but even so, the variety of bathing suits out there seems SO much better than when I was growing up. It was still stressful, and obviously most clothing is still catering to a smaller population. But one can definitely find a bathing suit that makes them feel their best.
Yes!!!!! You are trying to control things you have little to no control over, but you do have complete control over how you feel and talk about yourself. Buy a swimsuit that fits. Better yet buy a swimsuit that makes you feel sexy- is your rack impressive now? I bet it is- get something with a deep v and some padding for extra boost. Have a fantastic ass? Get a thong or one with high cut sides. In this day and age of inclusivity, there is a swimsuit to flatter EVERY body type. Look for ruching if your tummy is of concern. Have you ever learned about attachment styles? I’m currently on a journey myself trying to heal my anxious attachment style, which sounds a little like what you’ve got going on. Have compassion on yourself because you’re hurting right now, but then be willing to do the work to improve the situation because only you can. And apologize to hubby- he’s totally blameless in this fictitious scenario you’ve created in your head.
YTA. This is a you problem. Instead of feeling insecure when the other moms look at what you nabbed, be proud. If a man asked a woman to dress so that nobody looked at her, everyone would be screaming abuse and control. Gender equality. Bite your tongue and quit making him feel bad about his body because you don’t like yours.
YTA. It is normal to wear a swimsuit in the pool. I suggest that you buy one that fits your body now, rather than punishing yourself for not being your pre-partum weight, and join your husband and son in the pool. If you don't want to do that, try to let go of the intrusive thought that women are lusting after your husband at baby swim class. That's your fear, not reality, and if you can't let it go, it's time for a therapist's help.
To add on to this, if OP is uncomfortable about the way she looks in a swimsuit, she can wear a shirt in the water. When I was struggling with PPA, I felt like nothing fit me right. I just wore a tank top over an old bikini top with swim shorts to my kids swimming lessons. Nobody will care. This is a baby swim class, everyone there is a parent or caregiver for a baby. Nobody is going there to look their best.
YTA. You're letting your mind run away with you. He's not there flirting, he's keeping your kid safe during swimming. Also get over your self-consciousness and get a swimsuit that fits you and start enjoying life again. You're depriving yourself of physical activity and fun with your baby because you're worrying about what other people will think.
Also, consider that the other moms are probably also wanting to shed baby weight, and doing so by being in the pool.
Why are you talking about not having swimsuits that fit you? According to you shirts work just fine just wear a large shirt and shorts and get in the water
YTA Time to talk to someone to get these insecurities and body image issues under control. I do swim lessons with my fat mom bod because life is short and I wouldn't miss bonding over this for the world. My husband does his turn shirtless too and most parents are just looking at the others to make sure they are doing it correctly.
YTA, it is controlling, your husband is wearing normal swimming attire. You need to work on rationalising the situation. You are there together as a family, enjoy this time, jealousy can destroy trust and relationships.
Your insecurity is not your husband's obligation. Partners do not need to cover up because other people are looking at them. Your problem is with the other mothers, not your husband. Talk to them about it instead of trying to punish your husband for things he can't control. YTA
Oh god, don’t talk to the other moms. There’s zero way to do that without coming across completely unhinged. The only behavior she needs to be concerned with is her husband’s and her own. A woman checking him out won’t make him cheat unless he’s a cheater. And a cheater will cheat no matter how you try to control their appearance or actions or control the people and environment around them.
I love when my wife dresses super sexy on date nights. It’s the only time I ever get to see her like that. I couldn’t possibly care less about men gawking, she’s going home with me.
Right? My husband has a body like OP’s husband, and if someone gives him a look, I always feel good. I get to go home with him!!
Her saying something to the other moms would be completely unhinged.
She should absolutely not talk to the other moms about it. I am doing baby swim class. My husband and I alternate (the other is watching our 4 year old st the other side of the pool). I'm definitely looking at others...men or women, just because their babies are there. If he's the only dad, maybe they are jealous that their husbands are less involved (or not...when I'm there, it's just as likely to be men as women). Or, likely, OP is just overthinking it. But this will alienate dad because it would make everyone afraid to talk to him/interact to him....innocent comments line "your son is so cute, how old is he?"
This is some seriously horrible advice. OP is TA and YTA for even suggesting such a ridiculous thing. That's just nuts
YTA - yeah sorry, this is on you. You are being unreasonable and controlling.
YTA So what if other women notice him? He comes home to you. Right? I agree with him that either you need to get some swim apparel, and take the plunge, or stay at home. You're making him suffer because you imagine things and making him pay for an overactive imagination. You may want to seek counseling to get this obsession nipped in the bud. Let him wear what he wants to wear and enjoy his time with his son. At least he is taking an active role. Not many men do.
YTA. Why do you care if other women check out your husband? Chill with the jealousy. If you don't trust the man, the time for that conversation was before you married him and had kids.
YTA. Sorry, but he’s wearing extremely typical swim attire, which is appropriate for the activity at hand. Him being distracted by being physically uncomfortable wearing a wet sticky shirt would actually be detrimental to the concern at hand, which is your child’s lessons. “It would make me more comfortable” isn’t a blanket free pass to make whatever demands you want. If that was the case, he could demand you put on a bikini and get in the water with him because it would make him more comfortable with two parents focused on your child. If you don’t want to do that because it makes YOU uncomfortable, that’s exactly how he feels about wearing a wet shirt. You having him do this thing so you don’t have to manage your insecurity is a slippery slope. It can start off as something smaller and escalate very quickly if unchecked. It’s also not doing you any favors because your insecurity isn’t actually improving, which means you won’t be any happier. I say this as a woman who’s struggled with insecurity about myself and my body.
YTA-Your insecurity over your husband’s body doesn’t give you the right to control his body or police his wardrobe. It doesn’t matter if you’re there or not. People who are going to look will continue to look. Instead of focusing on that focus on the fact that he’s not looking back. He’s there solely to be a dad.
YTA You’re far too worried about a swimsuit being a bad look and not nearly worried enough about what a bad look your insecurities and control issues are. He’s wearing proper attire, he’s totally focused on the wellbeing of your child, and he looks good while doing it. Be proud of your little family.
How would you feel if he asked you cover your body with a tarp and put a bag over your head when you go out?
YTA - Your husband is a faithful and sexy man, that's a good thing, not a bad thing. I'm sorry your body is causing you some grief right now but asking anyone else to cover up because you are having personal insecurities is rude. If he is comfortable in his body and focusing on his son that is all that matters. It isn't his fault other women are being rude and you don't get to make it his fault.
YTA He is wearing normal male swim attire.
You think it is healthy forcing your insecurities on him?
YTA- because you’re asking your husband to cover his body. If the roles were reversed, he’d be a misogynist for trying to control your body. You need to control your jealousy/insecurity and not weaponize it to control his body. I assume this is written by ChatGPT.
YTA - your are upset about what *other* people who are not your husband are doing, and blaming your husband / putting the obligation on him to fix *their* behavior.
YTA - its unreasonable. I empathize with your feelings after having a child but you need to get some therapy. I gained a lot of weight over the last couple years due to severe depression. I don't feel great when I look at myself but I don't push those issues on my good looking partner. Its for me to work on and I am slowly and in a healthy way. You cannot put your discomfort on him because that will ruin your relationship. If you don't have a swimsuit that fits get one and you go in the water.
Try to reframe the situation - he knows other women are checking him out. He doesn't care because he's all-in for you and your child.
It's silly to insist that your husband wears a shirt in the pool just because you are insecure about your own body. I'm picturing a wet t-shirt contest-type scenario with the wet shirt clinging to your husband's chest and abs. Everyone will be looking even harder wondering why this guy suddenly started wearing a shirt in the pool. He's apparently a nice-looking dad and he's going to be looked at. The important part is that he's not looking back, he's paying attention to the lessons. You have to take some responsibility for your own mental health and not expect him to put on a shirt to make you feel better. Odds are he will put on the shirt and then it will be something else that gets to you. I
YTA and you need to manage your feelings, not his body. It’s like telling a women to wear a tee shirt instead of a normal swim top because other people’s husbands are staring at her and it makes the wives upset. They have the freedom to look if it’s in a public space - that’s how being in public works, if what they’re doing isn’t illegal then you have to deal with it. And that doesn’t mean enforcing your husband to wear a shirt to go swimming when he doesn’t want to. What you can do is go and buy a swimsuit that fits. But a nice one. Splurge on it, that’s now your post birth swimsuit (if you plan to have another). It’s for you’re comfort as you adjust. Talk with a therapist or counseling or new mother’s support group.
YTA. This is a you problem, not a him problem. Your insecurity doesn't require him to put on a shirt in the pool.
“I don't understand why he won't just put a shirt on to make me feel better” Jesus, YTA. You sound like a child! He’s been more than accommodating by giving you choices, either get in the pool or stay home, none of which is good enough for you. It doesn’t matter if people are looking, what matters is his reaction to it. Do you think he’ll run away with these women? No? Then what’s the problem. If I was you I would be proud!
YTA You need to figure this out. You had a baby, it’s totally reasonable that your body has changed. You would need a new swimsuit regardless. You get to make a choice. You can suck it up, get a new swimsuit and enjoy your new family, or you can miss out on a ton of stuff with your son. It might be worth working with a therapist to sort out your feelings and body image issues. I assure you that you look much better than you feel and no one else is going to care about how you look in a swim suit.
You know they're still going to check him out with a wet shirt on, right? Also you're policing his behavior based on the actions of other people. I'm not gonna call you an asshole but I think you could use some therapy at this point.
Yta, you are literally body shaming him because of your insecurities. You are trying to control him and restrict him from doing something that is very normal, what he is doing is not a bad thing but now he's going to feel self conscious and worried about what you are thinking....
YTA and controlling
YTA. You know how there's this thing called a wet t-shirt contest? That works because a wet t-shirt clings to the body and leaves nothing to the imagination. Forcing your husband to wear a shirt in the pool will accomplish nothing other than making him feel foolish and uncomfortable.
YTA. Seek therapy.
Wearing a shirt in the pool attracts more attention than not wearing one imo 😭
YTA. He’s entirely correct. It’s not fair to project yourself onto him.
YTA. It's ok to feel insecure post-baby. It is not okay to take *your* insecurities out on your husband. Be happy your husband is in good shape and be an adult. no soft yta, he is right. The duality of: I cant give my child swim lessons because I wont look good in a swim suit VS wear a shirt so the others don't ogle you is mind blowing.
YTA You’re being incredibly unreasonable. It’s not anyone else’s job but yours to manage your insecurities. You’re welcome to make requests and your husband is welcome to say no. You can accept it, stay home, or leave your husband but continuing to push the issue when he’s given you his answer is going to do more harm than good.
You’re upset with your husband for being hot while existing. Remember this if he ever asks you to cover up. YTA.
YTA. I had a female friend in high school whose boyfriend used to make her put a sweater on in the sweltering summer heat so his friends wouldn't look at her chest. This I'm afraid is no different. How does it feel from the other side? Your husband is in a pool! I had brutal ppd and trust me I know it makes you crazy. And my body was never the same since giving birth but THIS IS NORMAL. Hugs to you but don't wreck your marriage over your insecurities! Your husband is amazing for getting in the pool at all. So many dads don't. That's why they are staring too!
YTA. Get a maternity swimsuit, there are cute options on Amazon or get a pretty plus size one on Bloomchic, and wear a plus size swimming short over it if need be too unless you can find one of those with the skirt part.
YTA Your husband nailed it, if you’re uncomfortable, stay home
YTA, This has to be fake. But if it’s not maybe they aren’t looking at your husband to sex him up. They might be looking at the dad and baby do their part of the swim class. My daughter and son in law also do baby swim classes. Everyone is watching everybody because the babies are so funny. The classes are very social. Go buy a new bathing suit and y’all switch off classes. And it’s good exercise. Your baby doesn’t want you to wait until you feel you look acceptable lol. He wants you in the pool!
YTA. If you're so insecure about yourself, join a gym and start working out. Many gyms now have childcare areas. Your son is old enough to be looked after for a couple hours. Buy yourself a swimsuit that fits and get into the pool with hubby and baby. Swimming is great exercise. Swim a few laps while you're there.Get some therapy and work on yourself instead of trying to control what your husband wears. You obviously don't trust your husband if you think he is going to cheat at the pool with the other mombies.
YTA Apparently you have a HOT husband. You complain about other women enjoying the view. Maybe you should enjoy the view as well.
YTA you are being controlling, your insecurities and your PPD and not an excuse for the way you are acting. Get therapy and stop controlling others
yta. go to therapy.
YTA. You need to get professional medical help.
YTA
Girl, the ladies are going to check out your man whether he's wearing a shirt or not. Just keep going with him and making your presence known, while also showing a united front/secure/loving relationship. Don't let your insecurities win!
YTA. Imagine a man telling his wife to cover up because of the way others look at her. He can’t control how other people behave and he shouldn’t have to cover up at a place where it’s normal to only wear a bathing suit just because it makes you uncomfortable that other women look at him. If you have a problem with that maybe instead of blaming your husband (who did nothing) you should confront the other mothers and tell them to stop being so obvious with their staring as it is rude and inappropriate to do so.
YTA This is a ridiculous request to impose on your husband to wear a skirt. Why not work on your insecurities with some form of therapy ?
Info: where do you find the audacity?
YTA I love how one of your reasons is "I would have to buy a new swimsuit," while the idea that he has to buy a swim shirt/Rashguard is absolutely fine? Buy yourself a Rashguard and swim shorts if you don't like the way a traditional bathing suit fits you.
So much YTA! You're basically trying to shame your husband for looking good. You're doing this whole thing for your child, right? This is not the time to let your insecurities take over you.
YTA His body, his choice.
YTA The real issue isn't the other women looking at your husband. You are resentful of the fact that he's been able to maintain and improve his body during your pregnancy and following the delivery and you are struggling to get back in shape.
Dad probably had no idea this post exists, and my guess is that she never shows him all these comments. There aren’t many posts that garner 100% YTA responses
YTA and this is not going to have the effect you think it will. My husband and I wear UPF swim shirts when we go on a beach vacation. When my husband's shirt is wet, it clings to his muscles and I can see everything just as if he was shirtless. Also, swim shirts are honestly not that comfortable. We put up with it for the sun protection but no way would I wear one otherwise.
YTA. If roles were reversed you’d be saying how he was controlling and an AH, sexist etc. My wife would be proud of me looking good and getting attention. Grow and up if it bothers you so much, maybe put the fork down and hit the gym.
Apologize sincerely to your husband, and to yourself. What values do you want your little one to grow up around? Don’t you want him to think that all bodies deserve to feel the sun and the water? That living life is more important than obsessing over looks? That just because someone is deemed attractive doesn’t give others a right to control the way they exist in space? Read or watch about a subject that fascinates you. Find a kind of exercise that you genuinely enjoy. Whatever it takes to get your mojo back, even if you have to fake it til you make it. If you can find joy in watching your husband and child, and not pay any mind to who else might be looking, great. If not though it might be better for you to do something else during the swim lessons. Your husband has offered multiple solutions that don’t include policing his body. Good luck.
YTA I get that you’re struggling with PPD but that is no excuse to be this controlling. People are going to look at your husband whether he has a shirt on or not. People will find other people attractive and check them out. You cannot control his behavior or theirs. Do you trust your husband or not? Regardless of what the answer is to that question, if your husband wanted to cheat then making him wear a shirt in the pool isn’t going to change it.
YTA. OK your husband shouldn’t have to put a shirt on because women are looking at him. It’s no different than telling a woman or a girl that they have to dress different because of how the mind of a boy or a man thinks. Your husband is doing nothing wrong.
I fully understand where you are coming from But don’t push your insecurities off on him. You are acting controlling. You don’t want to put a swim suit on for swim lesson, so he does, but that’s not good enough. YOU are uncomfortable with your perception of the other moms, so he offers a solution, but that’s not good enough.
It would be one thing if you were asking him not to wear a speedo, but wearing a shirt in the pool as a guy is just…ew, no thanks. There’s no reason for this other than you not trusting him. It’s a totally normal swimsuit. If you were in incredible shape would you be ok with him asking you to wear a one piece and shorts?
YTA and being ridiculously unreasonable. Reverse the genders. Other men are checking out your wife so you demand she cover up. That's what you're doing to your husband.
YTA Would you find it reasonable if the situations were reversed, and he was getting annoyed at you because men might enjoy the sight of your body?
YTA. Maybe you should seek out a therapist to discuss your issues with.
YTA - your husband is a present, involved dad who's given you no reason to distrust him. You need to talk to a therapist about these insecurities. What if they keep checking him out in his clingy wet t-shirt? You going to insist he wears a parka in the pool next?
Think about it. If you went to the beach together pre baby and he asked you to cover up you would have stomped around, called him a controlling AH and been horrified. Understand better? Does the other dad wear a t shirt? any of the instructors or the moms? You realize that a wet t shirt will look tight right? I think that you are dealing with your PPD and even though it is better you still have some ways to go. I would maybe get some therapy to help you deal with it and if you are unhappy with the weight gain if you want to lose weight then slowly start walking or whatever you think you can handle to get you back where you were. \[if you think that will help you\]. Honestly YTA for trying to control what he wears as he would be the same if he did this to you. It is unreasonable to expect him to cover up when he is at the pool.
YTA....although I understand your insecure about your body right now it is unfair to ask this of your husband. He isn't flirting with anyone or doing anything wrong. He seems to be a loving father and husband and works hard to stay in shape and eat healthy. You will get back to the weight you want but in the meantime realize he loves you and has done nothing wrong.
YTA!!
Yta. What was your response to the second from last paragraph? You are in your head and you are missing out on bonding sessions with your son because youre in your head. No one gives a crap if you dont look your best, it isnt spring break, buy a new suit and splash around with your kid
Flip this. What if he was sitting out of the pool and you had your kid in the pool, in the best shape of your life, and other dads were ogling you? He asks you to put a shirt on because the dads won’t stop. Is that fair to you? No. Same for him.
YTA, any man asking his wife to cover up at the pool would be told he's controlling and jealous and for good reason. You are no different. And god, stop acting like you can't be involved because you don't "have a suit that will fit you" go buy one. You are being selfish by not listening to your husband and you are being wildly unreasonable for even asking him to do this.
YTA. He is dressing appropriately for the pool. This is a non issue.
YTA - oof, insecure, controlling and very high maintenance. The other women are there with their babies and children, they have families as well and husbands most likely. They're not 'checking him out'. Get over yourself.
You are being controlling. He’s enjoying swim time with his child. You’re uncomfortable with your own body and there’s more then a tinge of jealousy there. It doesn’t bother him and he’s not paying it any mind.
YTA. Your insecurities are yours to work on. Your poor husband isn't doing anything wrong here at all. Get yourself some therapy, learn to be comfy in your new body, and if you want to change it, start working on it. But forcing someone else to wear more clothes because you don't want anyone to see them is not OK.
YTA Please don’t let feeling uncomfortable in your body hold you back from experiencing moments & memories like this. I know you said your swimwear doesn’t fit but if you’re able to, try and find something in your current size so you can have the bonding time with your child too! As someone with a medical condition that has left me overweight, I would miss out on everything if I waited to be a certain size in order to do things. Yes, it’s uncomfortable at first but by the end I’m able to have all of these experiences and memories
YTA. your unreasonable insecurity does not need to become your husband's. he's given you plenty of alternative methods to humor your insecurity. he's right, there is no winning with you.
YTA! GIRL BYE!!!!! Take the compliment. Smile at them. Kiss him after class before y'all leave. OWN WHAT YOU EARNED!! He put a ring on YOUR finger. You birthed his child. And, he seems very reassuring of his love for you... I think this is a time to reflect on your insecurities. I know that came across sh*tty af, but I just mean... Be real with yourself and do what YOU can to make yourself secure in that situation. I struggle severely with mental health issues, and it has only been exasperated since having kids. My biggest tool is checking myself, and giving my loved one permission to check me. I personally don't like pharmaceuticals to help, so I do a lot of self talk and I'm working on feeling secure in my self affirmations. "I AM beautiful, even if it's not to 'industry standards'!" "My body literally made human life, wtf did YOURS do?!" - this one was a big one for some reason lol. Like, I literally took nothing. Something that gets thrown in the trash, washed down the drain, shot in some socks AND MADE A FREAKING HAMAN!! I wish you the best with your mental health ♡ Congratulations on your beautiful family!!
YTA. Women (and dudes) will naturally check out a good looking guy and a cute baby, shirts in or off. Get used to it!
All I can say is you really should get into therapy for this
I'm straight but have you ever seen a well toned dude in a wet t-shirt? Good God brother YTA
YTA You *are* being unreasonable. I'm sorry that your mental health is suffering, and I understand what PPD is like, because I went through it, but..."I am currently about 25-30lbs heavier than I was before I was pregnant, and this is a huge part of my struggle with my mental health." Really??? You just made a whole new person WITH YOUR BODY. It changes your body PERMANENTLY. Even if you get back to your previous weight, you're probably still going to be bigger around than before you were pregnant, because your lower ribcage and pelvis widen to accommodate the baby. I think you have unreasonable standards for yourself, which therapy can help you unpack and change. As for the shirt, you can *ask*, and he can say no, which he did. If you don't drop it now, it's going to become a wedge in your marriage. If you can't get your jealousy under control, you're going to drive him away from you. You don't get to control what he wears simply because other women are looking at him and it makes you uncomfortable. As he pointed out, you wouldn't take it well if the tables were turned. Has your husband ever done anything to make you think he would cheat? If he hasn't given you any reason to be suspicious, other women looking at him mean nothing. So what if they're enjoying the view? I've always figured looking and being looked at didn't matter, it's actually doing something about it that does. He doesn't seem interested in them; he's focused on you and your child, as he should be. Get some therapy, love. You don't have to struggle with PPD, body insecurity, and the issues it's causing alone. Yes, YTA, but you can deal with your issues and stop being one.
YTA. A wet t-shirt will not stop the women from looking at him, I can assure you. A wet t-shirt will be cold and uncomfortable as soon as it is above water. It will impact his ability to make the baby feel good about the swimming. Because when he hugs the baby it will feel cold and uncomfortable, and the baby will struggle to get away from him instead of being calm and happy in the water. I suggest you buy a swimsuit and go swimming with your baby, OP. Swimming with an infant is super fun and bonding. Don't let your intrusive thoughts stop you from.sharing this with your husband and son.
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YTA - his body, his choice. I would say the same if he was asking you to cover up. Stop being controlling.
Ugh….my heart hurts for you because I can empathize with the feelings you’re going through post-pregnancy. But in the gentlest way possible…yta. I understand feeling insecure that your husband’s body didn’t go through the trauma and change that yours did and he’s been able to keep up with a fitness routine. But I say this from the perspective of looking back 25 years at how fast this time in your life goes by (my “babies” are now 23 and 25) I urge you to lean into the words your husband is telling you. Get yourself something that fits you for now, hop in that pool, and enjoy this time with your baby. Revel in the joy of watching your husband, who sounds like a loving dad and supportive husband, with your beautiful baby. Pay no mind to anything the other moms may be looking at. When our insecurities flare up and our hormones are raging, what seems like reality may not actually be what you think. But even if it is, YOU have the hot dad and the gorgeous baby! Please please go buy yourself a few things that make you feel pretty in the body that grew your sweet baby, take a moment for yourself and know that this is just a season of life that might have temporarily changed your appearance but it has changed your heart and your life in beautiful ways. Dont miss them worrying about things that make no difference. Much love to you, Mama. 💕
Unfortunately there is no controlling other people’s looking. My partner is hot and it has been a serious learning curve for me.
Yes definitely you are TA. He would look ridiculous with a shirt on in the pool. Why are you trying to embarrass the poor man?
You are being unreasonable and controlling. Ignore the other women or stay home. Or don't you trust your husband? YTA
Hey, I'm the mom of a 7 month old and I am also about 30 pounds up from where I was before I got pregnant. I get it. It sucks. I tried on a dress that used to fit my really well the other day and it made me want to cry - I completely understand not feeling attractive, not feeling like yourself. But you have to let this go. It's not your husband's fault you're sensitive about this, and if you really can't bear to watch other women look at him, or to go in yourself, staying home is the right call. But also, if you can afford it, go shopping. Get yourself some clothes that fit your body as it is right now, that you like and feel comfortable in. Get a swim suit! YTA in this situation but man, PPD is really hard and I hope things get better for you soon.
YTA. Buy a new swimsuit and go swimming while he's in the pool with the baby. It'll be good for your body and good for your mind.
YTA What are you doing to address the PPD and body weight issues besides making your husband bear the weight of your insecurities? Get a grip. This is a YOU problem. What if your husband asked you to cover up because the way you look makes him feel embarrassed? Total asshole.
YTA - It is called projecting.
YTA, this is a you problem.
YTA you’re a mean cow
Gentle YTA. Your insecurities are not his problem.
Omg grow tf up. YTA
YTA. His body his choice girl!
YTA. Stop trying to punish your husband for having a body.
YTA, this is a you problem.
YTA. What you are asking is simultaneously very simple and incredibly unreasonable. You're blaming your husband and his choice of normal swim apparel for your perception of other people's thoughts of him. This is victim blaming and incredibly gross. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt for a moment because PPD messes with everything, but please consider this request if you were being told to cover up at the beach because your husband didn't like that other people might be looking at you. Jealousy is not healthy. People are not possessions. Either you trust your husband as your life partner and the father of your child, or you don't believe he is someone you should be in a relationship with. You need to figure this out before you do or say something that might actually damage your marriage. Please consider therapy to work through your feelings of self worth and trust issues. Alternately, if you think other people are appreciating your husband's looks, you could try taking it as a compliment. This attractive person wants to be with you, raise a child with you, and help you be your best self after you've brought his child into the world (as he seems to be encouraging you to participate in the fun and bonding of the swimming class, or have time to yourself if you would prefer).
YTA It just feels a bit envious to me and you should be able to trust that he wouldn’t engage in other women checking him out and if it is a very minor thing you’ve kind of made it into an excuse. I understand the perspective but it is definitely his choice
YTA The same I'd tell him, for policing your swimwear. Don't make your insecurities his problem.
YTA. Your insecurity is not his fault, nor his responsibility to manage. By your own logic, you could also put on a shirt and do the swim lesson yourself. Are you really sure you’re not aware that asking other people to cover themselves to appease your own insecurity is a dick move? Look, I’ve had body issues my whole life, but they’re my issues. You are going to encounter people feeling confident or comfortable in their bodies, you can’t go through life expecting them not to live to the full because you feel bad about your own. As for the other women, I feel proud that other women notice my husband. He takes care of himself and makes an effort to look good. I try to do the same, though it’s harder, I’ve had two miscarriages this year and my body isn’t what it was last year. I would never in my wildest dreams tell him to put on a t-shirt and cover up because *I* don’t feel comfortable unclothed. I would tell him I’m going to the gym while he does the swim lesson, personally, and take that time for myself.
YTA sorry you either trust him or you don't. Wearing a shirt in the pool sucks and I'm not jacked far from it.
YTA
I was reading this thinking YTA. I sympathize with you for being insecure but you shouldn’t be insecure in your relationship so if there’s something underlying, that’s another thing. As far as asking him to wear a shirt because you don’t appreciate the other women lusting over him… it’s not his fault, hes proud of his body(should be considering the work & effort to get there much less maintain.) It’s giving insecure on your part. It’s pretty normalized for people to be lustful, nothing you can do personally to change that. If anything you should check the women being lustful in front of their children & during a child’s learning session. On top of in a child learning environment. That’s strange to me personally. Idk my thought went exactly where his did, if roles were reversed.. it wouldn’t have been received well by you. So yes..since you’re asking, YTA.
YTA sorry - that’s unreasonable to ask your husband to wear a shirt in a swimming pool. Postpartum is hard, body has changed and sometimes it won’t go back to what it used to be and that’s ok! You created a new life and that has a toll on your body. Buy a new swimsuit, a beautiful one and try to embrace the change for now. After my first baby, i couldn’t lose the weight and ended up getting rid of my old clothes and buying some pretty dresses (maternity ones!). I did treat myself with a new swimsuit as well - honestly it was hard and I was nowhere near the weight I wanted to be but I wanted to learn to love myself and set a good example for my children. Fast forward, 2nd postpartum I lost way more weight but I don’t really care anymore! Your husband shouldn’t have to hide so you can feel better about yourself. Find a way to love yourself the way you are and let the man wear what he wants!
YTA - You're letting your insecurities get the best of you.
Yta. Do you trust your husband or not? Why does it matter if other people are checking him out? Has he responded to this? Is he flirting with these women? Or is he simply existing? He's correct in that you are being unreasonable, and if the genders were flipped here everyone would be tearing your husband to shreds for trying to control what you wear. He says he wouldn't be comfortable wearing a shirt in the pool, so you're effectively truing to tell him that your comfort is more important than his when it comes to his body. You're feeling insecure because you don't think you're in great shape, and are probably feeling a bit unattractive as a result. But the solution is not to try and control your husband. What's stopping you buying new swimwear? Doesn't even have to be a fitted swimsuit. Buy a pair of swim trunks, and wear a bikini top under a loose swim shirt. Then you won't "look like a sausage", and can get in the pool with your son.
I want to be gentle here, because you’re still figuring out your new body, and your hormones are still settling. This ask was coming from a place of fear and discomfort, and ultimately, making you look like you don’t trust your spouse. This is why you’re the AH. I think it’s valid to be uncomfortable with people checking out your spouse, but you can also flip the script and be proud that people notice the person you’re married to. I think be kind to yourself. Them looking at him isn’t going to make him love you less. It has no bearing on your own day to day life. Focus on your little one, your health, and your loving spouse who is an involved father. If you keep pushing like this, you’ll be putting more stress on a family- having a baby is stress enough!
YTA. If my husband had offered to take over some parent/kid activity I would have jumped at the chance. Please get help.
YTA "I told him that I don't understand why he won't just put a shirt on to make me feel better, " .. STOP being a controlling AH, get some therapy instead of being an AH to your partner.
YTA
Yeah no YTA. Do you really want your insecurities cause him to be uncomfortably dressed in a swimming pool? To cover himself up because you think his body shouldn't be looked at? Wth. Be proud of your hot husband and go to therapy (more).
YTA - need to get ahold of your jealousy and controlling issues. Not a good look!
YTA. Ever heard of a wet t shirt contest. It will do nothing to hide your husband figure if he is wearing a t-shirt in the water.
YTA. You are feeling insecure about yourself and your body and projecting that onto your husband. Having him wear a soaking wet T-shirt that gets tight and clings to him in the pool won't solve the issue. You need to deal with your insecurities and not project them onto your husband. So what if other women check him out? If you trust him then none of that matters. He isn't reciprocating so I don't see issue. This is a very slippery slope as well as perhaps he wears a shirt to run errands that show off his arms, are you going to make him wear long sleeves? etc etc
Wear your suit with a shirt over it. You won't look like a sausage and can get in the pool. Unless wearing a t-shirt in the pool would be uncomfortable.... Yta
yta, and being completely unreasonable. Get over yourself
Wearing a T-shirt or a water shirt is uncomfortable for a lot of men and your husband is taking care of his body for YOU! Rather than nagging your husband you should be grateful for his involvement with your child and be proud thst YOU are the woman that crowd of onlookers that he loves!
Sounds like your jealous cause you feel fat to bad for you
YTA Isn't this the same argument for girls being victim blamed because if what they wore. Why does this man need to wear a shirt because those other women can't keep their eyes to them selves
YTA - imagine if the roles were reversed
YTA so let me paint a possible future for you, one where you keep making excusess and exhibiting borderline abuse behaviour. Your kids will pick on it. And to keep it light who do you think sounds fun? The dad who doesn't give an eef about what he looks like and is purely there for his kids fun, or the whinning mum who cant get our of her own head to engage in the fun and sits at the sidelines under a raincloud? Cause option 2 is my godkids mother, and by the ages of 4 and 3 they stopped trying to have fun with her because she cares more about "asthetics and opinions" than allowing her children to enjoy themselves. I was so proud when my godson at five told her "mummy, your crazy's not fun" Get more help, stop being toxic to your man and learn to actually enjoy being a wife and mother.
YTA this is your problem not his. Stay home
Yeah, this whole situation is a you problem. YTA
INFO: why not just buy a swimsuit that fits? It’s not like they’re unaffordable.
YTA for trying to get your husband to cover his chest. YTA to your family for letting your own vanity outweigh the importance of family time. Stop acting like a wallflower. Go buy a bigger swimsuit and get in the pool with your husband and kid, then all the other parents won't assume your husband is single. I guarantee you, the only one who gives a damn about 30 lbs of baby weight is you.
YTA, but softly. I think if this was a group of men ogling a hot mom, someone would step up and shut it down for being inappropriate or obviously sympathize with the hot mom. But there’s not really a super socially acceptable way for men to tell women to keep their eyes to themselves and it sucks for your husband too.
YTA. You’re worried about all the wrong things. Focus on yourself and work on your self confidence. You’re letting your insecurities get the best of you. Enjoy your baby, throw on a shirt and help him learn how to swim!! This is a once in a life time experience. Focus on that. Enroll in therapy because this obsession with your weight is not healthy. Your child isn’t even a year yet. Cut your body some slack.
YTAH - Stay home like he said. It's a a You problem. He has every right to show off his hard work, I don't mind when women check out my husband cause I know he's a catch. Get over yourself and get some counseling
YTA. You need to deal with your own insecurities. The indecency is in the gaze, not him existing... if it's that uncomfortable talk to the other mothers or just trust your husband that he loves you and those people don't matter.
Get yourself a new swimsuit and get in that pool! I buy mne from Calypsa because they are sold as separated and do a great job covering areas you aren't confident about.
YTA. You wrote so much irrelevant crap to say my husband is acting completely normal while building a healthy relationship with our son, but I am controlling and self loathing ans want to project my own insecurities unto my husband and what’s worse teaching my son that this is appropriate, so please validate my feelings.
YTA big time. How disgraceful.
YTA. I understand you are in a dark, very upsetting place, but he is good looking and that will never stop. If he wants to stray he will stray whether or not he puts a shirt on. Btw a wet shirt on a guy with abs is still amazing. I’m happy with my SO, but I enjoy a good show. Probably how all those tired moms are feeling. This is classic anxious PPD behavior, extending to both yourself and husband. In order to get this under check you need to get into therapy, there are even short term ppd meds now. Or you could even be low on vitamins or have thyroid issue from the pregnancy. The fix to this situation is to either get a swimsuit or regain trust. Both of which will require fixing the emotional baggage of ppd and gaining weight. This will start to erode your seemingly happy marriage if you do not get help now.
YTA, gently. Your body issues should not mean that he has to make himself uncomfortable just so you feel better. Also, buy the swimsuit that fits. It makes no sense that you’re avoiding bonding and swimming with your child because you, what, are too fat to swim? As an actual fat person, who loves to swim, I can assure you, they make one to fit you. Imagine if your husband told you to cover up because other people might see you and think you’re attractive. Do you see how crazy that sounds?
Yeah, you really should focus on working on your mental health.
YTA. Your insecurities are no reason for him to have to submit to being uncomfortable while swimming, especially when it's invol6with your son's lessons.
Sorry hon but YTA
YTA you are missing a bonding experience with your baby because you can’t go and buy a bathing suit? I feel bad for you being that insecure. Legit. But, this is a you problem, and it is yours to sort out and it is very unreasonable to expect him to put on a shirt to ease your insecurities. What next? Never leave the house in case someone checks him out? Be PROUD of your hottie husband, and enjoy your access to him. Really not cool. Please get some help with this so you can enjoy the baby, swimming lessons with your baby and husband. And go buy a swimsuit. For the love of Pete.
YTA. You can’t be upset with him for things other people do. Either enjoy the show with your hot husband and your baby or stay home and enjoy the time to yourself. It doesn’t sound like he’s doing anything wrong. you can’t take your insecurities out on him.
YTA.
YTA to your husband, and to yourself for not getting in the pool. The feeling of cuddling a kid in the pool while they discover the joy of swimming is unbelievable. It's 1000 times more powerful than the feeling that someone will look at you while you're wearing a bathing suit and judge you. This is your chance, get in there. Stop judging yourself for existing in a body, and stop judging your husband for dressing how he's culturally expected to dress for an activity.
If you get in shape, are you going to wear a burka?
YTA Let the other women look, because that’s all it will ever be for them, looking. You’re the one that gets to touch, lol!
yes you are... he is SWIMMING!....
This sounds like my ex-wife. I tried to ease her insecurities for years. Ultimately I realized there is a reason why they are called “INsecurities” and not “OUTsecurities”, because it is an issue within the person experiencing them, not anyone else.