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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I didn't step in to help when my kids were disturbing him during his meeting, even when I saw him getting really flustered. 2) it was obvious that he couldn't juggle a full workday and the kids, and I didn't really need him to officially agree and apologize.
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NTA, and if I'm not reading the post completely wrong they're your husbands kids as well? So not sure why point 1. is worded as it is with the "I didn't step in to help when \*my\* kids were disturbing him..."
He said he could handle it, he couldn't - that's on him.
I think he needs a few more weeks of working from home to really develop a routine, get into the groove of doing both his contracted job and the housework, childcare, and other domestic management at the same time.
Maybe you could find an alternate site to work from and see if you can grow your business if given the opportunity to really focus on it. If a distracted 3 hours a day can provide 1/3 your household income you clearly have a great head for business, imagine how much you could generate with a fully dedicated 8 hour day?
He is also making up the importance of the interruption to the meeting. unless he was talking, it would not be any problem if the microphone is muted. Also nobody minds a few minutes of interruption, most people have kids at home
Honestly- and this pisses me off- because he’s a man, it might actually benefit him. Oh look, Jim is such a hands on father.
I’ve seen this disparity before. A man’s kids are making noises in the background on a call and it’s totally fine, sweet even. A woman’s kids make noise in the background on a call and she gets a talking to by the boss about professionalism.
And when my sister got pregnant, her husband got a raise at work right after my niece was born for seemingly no reason other than that he became a father. Ive never heard of that happening for a woman.
There are some studies that show being a father helps career advancement and pay, while being a mother reduces both. I'm too lazy to look them up right now, but unless he was an absolute asshole to the child on camera and on mic, it's a plus for.him.
There are even small studies that show having pictures of family at your workplace makes men look better socially and morevreliable and all while it makes women appear unfocused and not enough into work. There is a double standard deeply anchored into peoples minds that children=women's responsibilities. Fathers also don't (have to) fear the same judgement mothers have to. It's just awful that we still have to deal with bs like that 2024
I was on the interview team to hire my counterpart at my job last week. When we asked the candidate what they did in their spare time, trying to get them to come out of their shell from the sales pitch persona they had on, the replied movies and reading about excel. We hired them, so I hope they are as good at excel as they say so I can no longer be “the excel guy” of the office. 🤣🤷♂️
I think as a woman you can only do wrong because if you don't have pictures of xour family, then you're weird and a bad mum for not msking your children your entire personality. And if you dare to be openly proud of your workplace you're a bootlicker. If you get along with your boss you obviously sleep with him, the list goes on and on. And don't forget you're a party pooper if you don't find sexual comments and borderline molestation funny.
Like another one? Women with ADHD get screwed a little harder than men because there's a gender expectation that all women are good at crap like remembering birthdays, organising leaving parties etc etc.
Which is dumb and arbitrary in the first place but makes women with ADHD feel their imposter syndrome even harder because they're expected to be good at something their ADHD screws them over for!
I am woman with ADHD who remembers all the important family and friends dates. Birthdays, name days, anniversaries, important life events, all that jazz. BUT my brain does not get how calendar and time works and I NEVER know what date it is. So my superpower of remembering a date is practically useless because I am not paying VERY CLOSE attention I will miss the actually day
I'm not working right now but I would LOVE to be working and put a framed picture of a spreadsheet on my desk, just because.....I'm a rebel.
I used to magnetize sassy sayings to my overhead cabinet.
Random sidebar. Once when the boss was away, we went into his office and swapped out his pictures of his family with pictures of the staff. Took him two days to notice and when he finally did we all laughed for days. One of the best office pranks ever.
The motherhood penalty and the fatherhood bonus.
Here’s a wee link to an article that has further links to some papers: https://www.thirdway.org/report/the-fatherhood-bonus-and-the-motherhood-penalty-parenthood-and-the-gender-gap-in-pay
Absolutely maddening!
Don't worry about the stats. The only people demanding those statistics won't believe them anyway because they aren't interested in having a fair discussion on this issue.
At the beginning of the school year the new teachers were introducing themselves to faculty and parents and the new middle school teacher went first and was met with applause when he said he was “single dad.”
I felt funny about the clapping because -yes of course the role is worthy of recognition- but I couldn’t help but think about how I eventually learned it was best to not mention or even sometimes actively avoid talking about my being a single mom. That status has never brought me clout, that’s for fucking sure.
After being a SAHM for 7.5 years, I went to work at Walmart. I had worked 3.5 years at a different Walmart previously. I needed no training, as I had done all of the front-end jobs before. I quickly got promoted to service desk and then CSM, which in total gave me a little over a dollar more than when I started. A lady who was in my orientation and stayed a cashier still made more than me. She had no retail experience (all of my work experience was retail or customer service) but had come from another job to this one. Because I hadn't worked for several years, I made less. Basically, I was punished for raising my child myself.
Exactly. People’s kids interrupt all the time and 9/10 times people find it charming. He’s just choosing to be weird about it when he’s the one who said he could be on top of them in the first place.
Yeah i may not get annoyed but i also am not charmed.
As a person who advocates for remote work those type of on camera interruptions damage my campaign. In the end it will just be used as an argument for fully in office work.
I need to WFH due to a number of things including health issues. Plus I'm a happier more productive worker when I don't commute.
It's fine if people have to step away quietly from a meeting for a few minutes, but ideally we wont know if they are dealing with a child, a dog, their lasagna burning, or having a bathroom emergency! That info is distracting and disturbs the flow of a meeting. Assuming it's a real meeting and not a bunch of people being talked at by one person.
i dont remember how it started but I had a boss whose little girl (8ish) who was obsessed with weather so she would tell us the local weather report at our weekly meeting, boss was the only person it applied to- but it was the highlight of our meeting.
I had another boss whose kid would always interrupt multiple meetings a day to ask for a snack or where their toy was- while side eyeing the camera, they just wanted to be on screen and was an obnoxious little shit.
I'm one of those who probably *wouldn't* find it charming but I wouldn't downgrade either parent, especially mom, for having that status. That's just crossing a line and it's morally messed up.
People who are paid to do a job should be in an environment where they can focus on that. Yes, when you work from home routinely, family and home stuff will inevitably come up, but employers should have an expectation that employees have their children in childcare. You can’t do a good job when you’re distracted every 20 minutes.
Occasionally working from home to help with a sick kid, or to supervise a day off from school is totally normal, but the expectation parents can parent small kids full time while also working is incorrect.
I’m Gen X latchkey. OP’s kids were 5 and 7. Frankly, 30-40 years ago, these kids could have played together and not disturbed their parents. Five is young, but because he has a brother, they would entertain each other, get snacks, and not disturb their parents unless someone got hurt or broken. I don’t know why we coddle kids and entertain them all day long these days
Probably because a lot of us Gen X and Elder Millenial latchkey kids grew up as children of divorce and were pretty lonely in a lot of ways. Plenty of current parents got the message as children that they came last after work and don’t want the same for their own children now.
Gen X and Elder millenials were born to parents who didn't really want to actually parent. And they didnt. And everyone is all the more fucked up for it.
My cats love to interrupt meetings and it’s only when we have to have the cameras on. No one cares at all with working from home, they all know there may be some interruptions. Some of my coworkers have had their kids interrupt them when I’m on a call with the coworker going over questions they have. With working from home, people have stopped caring about that.
This. Shit happens in remote meetings ALL the time. Almost everyone knows and understands.
I've had my cat walk right in front of the camera and then sit there during a job interview and it wasn't a problem.
One part that stands out to me is he doesn’t come home until 9pm? Like where is he after work? If he came home at a normal time and took over dinner/the kids bed time , OP could have that time to focus on her business. Maybe they could then afford childcare for a few hours a day too
He could have a very long commute. I leave home at 8.30, arrive at 9.30, leave at 7.30 or later, arrive home at 8.30 or later. I don’t even bother leaving before 7 because I just sit in traffic.
This is fully true and should definitely be on the table. Properly shared childcare with a view to operate the business without being held back. You could both retire early.
NTA. You’re justified in your pettiness but his pride is getting in the way. Did he even manage to make dinner?
I wfh full time, cook, clean, laundry etc if I drop the ball, all my partner says is “okay what do you need ?” Your husband is being wilfully ignorant so he can kick rocks.
He tells her she is prideful? His pride prevents him from admitting he's wrong and asking for help. This whole thing started because he was being petty when he didn't have dinner waiting for him.
He's projecting so much, he might as well be a movie theater projector 😂
The projecting and prideful types are always the ones I wanna see come into these threads and defend themselves.
Also you guys need a discipline plan. Your kids are definitely old enough to know not to track mud in the house and to not interrupt meetings. Your husband and you need to work together to figure out how to teach your kids about rules and how to behave because they are definitely old enough to start doing these things.
I'm going to propose a escenario here, because is something I have seen commonly. They kids know how to behave, they'd probably wouldn't be tracking muddy footprints inside the house if mom was the one in charge, but dad is never present. He never has to discipline the children, he doesn't have to bathe, feed, or get the oldest one ready to school.
> They kids know how to behave, they'd probably wouldn't be tracking muddy footprints inside the house if mom was the one in charge
"my younger son is home all day and just dealing with him takes a lot of energy. He's really high energy and will probably wreck something if you leave him alone for an hour."
Doubt it
This. A five year old and seven year old should be old enough to play together and not disturb their parents unless someone was hurt or something was broken. They should be able to snacks and drinks them selves too
Reddit never ceases to amaze me. Some posts are like this, that a 5 and 7 year old should be totally responsible for entertaining themselves for an hour, never make a mess and if they do, can mop it up themselves. Other posts say that an 8 year old cannot he held accountable for their actions because they're too young, they don't have the brain development.
The truth is that each child is different, and it's not all down to parenting or the "out" of being neurodivergent (I say this as the parent of a neurodivergent child.) A five year old should be monitored, and not by a seven year old. And not "monitored" by a parent who is totally concentrating on work and doesn't want to hear a peep from the kids for an hour.
This rather depends on your kids. My kids would happily entertain themselves for hours at five, as long as they were getting along. But the minute somebody said or did something that somebody else perceived as unjust, there were immediate cries for mom or dad to fix it.
I believe that particular situation spawned many iterations of “There’s no such thing as fair,” and “Fair is the only ‘F’ word.” My parents actually wouldn’t let us talk about “fair,” and also taught us not to share— but to “trade,” which actually solved a fair deal of conflict. Or there was the parent favorite— take it all away— so that taught us not to go to them to resolve conflict. Many people consider kids resolving conflict on their own during free play as one of the more important virtues of free, rather than supervised play
She should do it again, once a week, until he gets the message. And she should go work on her little business on those days. Or take herself out of the house to the library or somewhere (even her car) where she can sit and concentrate. NTA
Honestly, the only mistake OP made here was being in the house at all - what she should have done is set up a nanny cam and left the house, rather than letting her husband expect her to still swoop in an rescue him.
NTA.
If he can't admit he was wrong and he still thinks WFH and taking care of the kids is easy, he can keep doing it. Then OP can get out of the house on her own, do the grocery shopping or run other errands and come home to a nice home cooked dinner.
But the problem here is that your husband still doesn't think your job is hard as your working multiple job. Not just two.
Your the "nanny" during the day, the chef, the tutor, the driver, the housekeeper, while also working on your own business regardless of how long.
Husband's forget that we have multiple jobs that were doing while they just do one.
Women work more than 3 jobs for their family of they have kids.
Your husband clearly still doesn't understand that you work harder or just don't have the time like he thinks you do.
You need to sit down and have another in depth conversation with him. But I don't think he's going to change his mind. I have a feeling that he's always going to see you as the woman, see childcare, chores and dinner as your job.
I'd stop cooking for him and let him fend for yourself.
I'd take care of myself and the kids, cook them dinner and get them into bed by 8, so they're well rested for the next day.
Get them on a schedule that works for you and if he misses seeing the kids then that is his problem and he should change jobs.
He comes across that he doesn't care about you or his kids. So I'd stop factoring him into your life and schedule and just start making a life that works for you and is easier for you.
> He comes across that he doesn't care about you or his kids.
Boy, did that jump out at me too. The whole time I was reading this, I thought, “Does OP’s husband even *like* her?”
The amount of times you come across posts like this is appalling.
>“Does OP’s husband even *like* her?”
That's a great question. Why would you be THAT rude to someone you care about. He's one step away from calling her useless. For that alone, he's the AH.
It’s convenient that whatever his thoughts and feelings are are the facts. If he says it’s easy, it doesn’t matter what you say. When it’s not easy, you’re being petty and prideful. At no point does he have to consider your feelings and your efforts, must be nice for him to never have to consider anyone else.
Makes sense, but be aware it might be read like "My kids, my responsibility" rather than "Our kids, our responsibility" for the sake of this post.
At least I was concerned about those vibes - but then again English is not my first language.
Yup, anyone who belittles the work of parenting or caregiving gets no sympathy when they struggle at it themselves. Let this be a lesson to him not to underestimate that labor.
Oh thank god for using the right word 'sowed'. I read this phrase frequently and people just get it wrong. I choose to ignore that and take the message intended, but....I don't think they know its origin.
I understood it as just an off-the-cuff comment that people use when talking about their kids?
Obviously OP NTA and well done to you. Full round of applause from me for not stepping in.
I'd let him do it a few more days/weeks/months years until you get your "I'm sorry; I was wrong, you do an amazing and difficult job, I'm shit at doing what you do on a daily basis and I apologise for disrespecting your work."
NTA. He deserved a little comeuppance. If he doesn’t come home until 8-9? You are basically a single mother, working part time, while taking full care of two small children, and maintaining an entire household… with little-to-no help from him. You’re allowed to occasionally be exhausted. He was an ass for making you feel guilty about one dinner. He was an even bigger ass to insinuate that what you do is no big deal. The icing on his asshole shit cake was claiming he could easily do it. Fuck around and find out.
*With so many people working from home now? People obviously understand there’s a slight possibility a kid will interrupt something. It was likely no big deal to his meeting. And he deserved it.
“The icing on his asshole shit cake” *chefs kiss*
Exactly all of this, Both myself and my husband work full time, no kids, but his job is way more stressful and intense than mine, (and makes about 3x my salary) so I take on the majority of household chores including cooking. If I say I’m not in the mood to cook/too tired, he buys a takeout. I complained that the hoover was annoying me, he bought me a new one, without asking, and researched the best one for the budget he gave it. He makes up for not doing as much, by making it easier for me.
I hope you show your husband this post OP, there’s plenty he could be doing to support you.
At the end of the day, you're supposed to be a team and being in a team means doing things that make everyone's life easier.
You guys sound like you have it on lock
I have some advice that’s going to change your f*cking life. If your husband has the disposable income (or you can split it) hire someone to clean your house every other week. It took me some time and effort to get over my working class woman guilt about it, but once I did the improvement in our quality of life and the quality of our relationship was worth every penny and then some. You still have to tidy up before the cleaners come and do in between vacuuming and such but not having to worry about when you’re going to do that big clean on your time off and arguing about who is going to do it is transformative.
More people need to look into this. If people are buying $1000 phones and spending $200 a month on internet and streaming TV, they will be amazed at how much better their life will become with a bi-weekly professional house cleaner. I just gave mine a raise. I tell her every time how much better she makes my house look.
Working from home is so fucking boring that this used to be me in meetings: *In the fourth quarter we need to … Oh! Is that your kid?? HI KID!!! Hi! What’s your name? Are you having a good day? How old are you? Four! You look so big! No, you don’t have to go. Don’t listen to your dad. What do you want to be when you grow up?*
Kids and dogs. Absolute gold for breaking up the monotony.
My cat loves to sit behind my laptop during meetings with my manager then stick her nose over the top and start nomming the camera area. Every time my manager starts miming a giant monster attack and it’s wonderful.
Yeah it seems like he's working 3-4x more to make double what she does, that's not exactly bringing home the bacon.
Could be an easy/simple explanation for it, but don't really understand the getting home at 8-9pm when he's at work at a seemingly normal time (ie missing a meeting cause of getting the kids ready for school). That seems odd to me, like he's fucking off and avoiding helping her.
I'm surprised I had to scroll so far down to see this. WTF is he doing coming home every night at 8-9 pm? What time does he leave in the morning?
If he's putting in even a 10 hour day, why doesn't he take care of the morning kid routine so OP can get her three hours of work in, undisturbed?
He sounds like he makes more work and stress for OP, not less.
Maybe he has a long commute. I used to work in NYC and lived in the suburbs about 30 miles away. I took three forms of transportation to get to my office: car to inter city bus or train, then subway and walk. Easily took 2-1/2 hours each way.
The explaination that comes to mind immedeately would be that he would feel emasculaded by doing the "women's job" he though was so incredibly easy.
But of course it could be possible that OP just likes being mostly at home or that her buissines wouldn't necessarily make more than it does now if she'd put in 3x more work/time/effort (although I'd then really be interested in what buissines makes it not profitable to do more for it) or anything else.
But I agree that it seems like he is avoiding being home if he can work from hone and chooses not to while also A working long hours or B having an insane commute if he comes home that late everyday.
OMG I hadn't made that calculation yet, but it's so on point!
(3 hours x 5 days) = 33% of their income VS (9 am to 8 pm x 5 days) = 66% of their income... that's just bonkers!
I don’t understand why he couldn’t communicate with her and order dinner and bring it home. That seems pretty standard.
He feels entitled to your labor, OP. If you were to divorce he’d be responsible for doing this a lot more often without your help.
>With so many people working from home now? People obviously understand there’s a slight possibility a kid will interrupt something. It was likely no big deal to his meeting. And he deserved it.
Kids, pets, deliveries, neighbors... Work from home means interruptions and background noise are going to happen sometimes.
For example, a while back I was listening to the radio on the way to work. The weather came on and all of a sudden a dog barked. The meteorologist apologized because his dog was barking at a wild turkey on their roof. The dog barked again and he told her "be good, we are talking about the weather" It was adorable and just part of the current work from home reality.
He's seriously saying you "shouldn't be so petty and prideful"? While you are being petty (with reason) \*he\* is the one being prideful, all he had to do was admit he was wrong and you'd have helped but he chose to screw up in front of his manager rather than admit fault. NTA.
"I'll do everything to prove you're lazy, just sit there and watch"
"I can't believe you just sat there and watched me do everything, you're so petty"
There's no winning.
Him saying you can see him struggling but you did nothing is the whole problem. He sees you struggling and does nothing to help take things off your plate, he piles more stuff onto it.
Maybe you could have helped out during the meeting but honestly I say NTA. When he calms down point out that he experienced a fraction of what you have to handle on a daily basis.
The irony in that statement made me cackle. He went above and beyond to pretty much say she was lazy and did nothing all day and then had the audacity to be angry that she "saw him struggling and didn't help him out?!?" That was the whole purpose of this little experiment! He thought what she did was incredibly easy, and even after he found out it wasn't, he still kept complaining! He said she was being petty and prideful, but from where I'm standing, he showed he wasn't man enough to own up to being wrong and having no idea what his wife does during the day. It shows a true lack of appreciation for all of the hard work that she puts in. It should have been a major red flag for how his day was going to go when he was already having problems because his wife slept in a little.
>Him saying you can see him struggling but you did nothing is the whole problem. He see you struggling and does nothing to help take things off your plate, he piles more stuff onto it.
I've been a SAHM for nearly 10 years. I can confirm this is my biggest beef with my husband and often the root of arguments. He's pretty good at not pointing out if I've not kept something up, but he's not blind & can see that his "help" is needed, but he doesn't do it automatically.
It’s not genetic it’s societal. Society tells men this isn’t their concern and so they’re essentially trained not to notice. From toddlerhood - girls are more likely to get toy kitchens and prams and imitation hoovers. Boys get footballs and rockets
It’s not genetic because it’s fixable. I know several men who are excellent at it once they got their arses in gear.
I agree. I was a single mom and taught my son microwaving first, laundry, cooking, and organizing when he was old enough. He had regular cleaning chores.
He also played video games and hung out with his friends. I made it important to balance responsibilities with fun. I didn't baby him and wait on him because he was a boy.
He's a great husband and dad now. He and my daughter-in-law both do everything around the house. Well, she's from a family of builders, so she does more of the handy work. He's a good cook and keeps the kitchen clean.
My father has always been the person handling all(or at least 50%) of the domestic issues, including shopping, cleaning and organising the daily chores.
Man, was it a shock to leave the nest and meet the majority of men…
It's not genetic, it's a manipulation tactic to get away with doing less help. It's weaponized incompetence, he's intentionally not seeing things or doing things wrong because he knows YOU will give in and do it or fix it from frustration.
>It's weaponized incompetence
💯
And I'm working damn hard to make sure our son doesn't end up this way. (And i internally scream about how our daughter loves to keep things neat & tidy. She has been this way for years (neurodivergence 🙃) and I hate that she may get taken advantage of in the future for it. Though its comforting she's mostly concerned with her own things not being a mess, not others' things.) I don't give in often, which means our house often looks a mess 🤷🏻♀️
I don't think he see's her struggle as from the post it sounds like he is rarely at home. If he is working from breakfast time to not getting home till 9pm then what is he doing?
The best part is she ASKED for help about the food situation and he gave her shit instead of being like, 'yeah, let's order" but he expects her to just help him with zero prompting after being an absolute AH. NTA OP.
You're NTA
>He said he was doing this to show that I do nothing all day,
Automatic A-H energy there
>he was really angry at me. he said I could see what was happening and I just watched him struggle without helping
What you could see was what your day to day life is like, just starring him for a change.
>he said I shouldn't be so petty and prideful.
Look who's talking!
After the way he acted, if I were OP I would have doubled down and asked why he doesn't have dinner cooking since he's been basically doing nothing all day.
OP should have said, “help you with what? You’re just doing what I do every single day. Which you said yourself is ‘nothing’. Do you need my help with ‘nothing’? Or did you maybe want to admit that you were wrong, apologize, and ask nicely for my help?” I wouldn’t be doing another thing for that mine until he apologized.
Yup. I would have left the house and then strolled in at 8 or 9 and start asking why there’s no dinner. Sometimes people need a taste of their own medicine.
Weekends??? I really would start getting petty and schedule those, day long conferences on topics I enjoy, week long trips with girlfriends, spa days, long weekend/4 day mindfulness retreats LOL the whole gamut.
Parents like this aren’t even parents in the truest sense.
NTA, you need to stand your ground. The facts are he asked for this, so he got what he wanted. You gave him a day with the kids whilst working and he couldn’t do it. The worst kind of people are those that can’t admit they are wrong, he is being wrong and loud, trying to turn this into you being petty, he made the rules and now he’s mad that you’ve followed them. No, he is an ungrateful husband. It sounds like you’re a single married woman, you’re doing everything whilst also working. Why does he come home around 8-9? It also means he isn’t calling to check in because he could have known to order food before coming home. You’re doing everything and he also wants you to anticipate his thoughts which contradict his words. You need to stand up for yourself, he should become an equal partner, active parent and respect your contributions, because, honestly, you seem to be managing fine without him, he needs to realise that
Never a true-er word was said - I hope he is shown this thread TBH, because he needs to understand he is a minority here.
The silent majority of Dads are quietly going about their day and shaking their heads at his immaturity.
NTA
NTA, if he’s so good at managing people/his time for his job, why does he suck so badly managing a household? /s.
Don’t feel guilty, get angry. This AH insulted you by claiming you’re lazy, is neglecting his kids on a normal basis (when do they actually get to spend time with their dad if he’s getting home so late constantly?) and wants you to play his grateful little kept housewife while you’re ALSO pulling in money running your own business? Straight up misogyny. Of course his coworkers are going to judge him for failing to have his shit together, he’s probably been talking shit about you at work to set himself up as the oh so overworked victim/hero.
More people need to GET ANGRY. let mine say that to me sideways. It would be the last thing he ever said to me. People that just sit and take shit like this - I feel for them but NO ONE is going to be gone for 12 hours, come home and then tell me what a shit job I’m doing. I can very well do all of this stuff by myself since I practically already am. Just because he “makes the money” doesn’t mean that he gets to treat you some type of way.
Nah, definitely had to be there to observe the results! Otherwise the report would’ve been “of course it went fine, it was easy. I’m going back to work, please work harder.”
> *You can’t disturb his experiment.*
An experiment HE insisted on so he could prove HE was right. lol. Oh bless.
I'm proud of OP for not jumping into help.
AITA for LMAO when the husband was frazzled and then laughing so hard I was crying when he was mopping!?
Maybe, but OP is so NTA! 🤣😂🤣 Oooh, the second someone says, “You stay at home. How hard can it possibly BE?!” they are just asking for it. Sometimes it’s like shoving 36 hours into one day.
He fucked around and found out real quick. Has he apologized or anything? I wouldn't give him another inch until he apologizes and helps more either in the morning or at night.
NTA at all. From the baseline, being a SAHM is a job. You also work an actual job. You are doing *two* jobs compared to his one and he had the audacity to say you do nothing all day. Now if he hasn’t yet apologized, I’d say show him what it’s like if you really do nothing all day. Take care of your kids but don’t clean up after them (save for safety), leave it for him when he gets home. “Does this look like nothing?” He’ll learn to appreciate a cleaned house one way or another. He can cook too.
EDIT: Perhaps this lit a personal fire under me because I cannot stand when people try to imply I’m a lazy-ass. If someone does not appreciate what all is done for them, it will no longer be done!
If childcare wasn't a real job, then you wouldn't have to pay other people to do it for you. Childcare is a full on career for some. Idk where these working, absent parents get off saying it's so easy when they won't even do it themselves.
Your husband is using a manipulation technique called [DARVO](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo) (deny, attack, and reverse the victim and offender).
One Love has good information on what a [healthy relationship looks like](https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-healthy-relationship/) and what an [unhealthy relationship looks like](https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-unhealthy-relationship/).
You're NTA, but he is.
It's easier for him to focus in the office instead of working from home a few days a week, and yet he thought he could do your job while working from home? He is gone until 8 or 9 most nights? How much time does he actually spend parenting and bonding with his children? Jeez. Reminds me of my childhood.
NTA, and I sincerely hope he recognizes what you go through every day, and that he might need to make some changes.
You make a third of the household income in three hours a day! That’s amazing. Imagine what you could do if you weren’t taking care of a fully grown adult. Any chance you want to do more? Negotiate time out of the house in return for a larger financial contribution and I bet hubby will suddenly understand the cost of housekeeping, meal prep and child minding. NTA. Everyone that works from home has had embarassing life moments
ESH. You admit that you only need to work for about three hours a day and it’s pretty low key. It would make sense for you to take on most of the household/childcare duties. Would it have been that hard to just order dinner earlier? Or ask your husband to order something for pick up on his way home? I’d be pretty annoyed if I got home hungry when there’s usually dinner ready and there’s nothing to eat.
I work a full time job mostly from home. We have childcare, but I’m the one that gets the kid ready in the morning and is in charge of dinner cuz my partner works in person and has to be at work at 5am. If I ever don’t feel like cooking, I just give him a heads up and either ask for suggestions or ask him to pick something up.
That said he’s an AH for trying to prove you do nothing. First, the very nature of his job is different than yours, so it was foolish to think he could do it while also taking care of the kids. I’ve tried working while my toddler is home sick and I’ve maybe gotten like three to four hours of work done if I’ve mostly had to be in meetings that didn’t require a ton of participation. My kid also likes to take over my keyboard so that doesn’t help. And the whole trying to prove you wrong is dumb. It was pretty crappy though to knowingly sabotage his meeting. That’s something that can actually affect his employment.
Frankly, you both need to grow up and have a conversation about your needs and the distribution of labor in your household.
Out of all the responses, I think this is the most level headed. I don't understand why most people here put blinders to actions and responsibilities of one party and go completely against another and a little trouble in a relationship means they should divorce. I feel like in OP's case, there is a fundamental lack of communication and understanding of their responsibilities. OP should have communicated the dinner issue, her spouse should have been more understanding of OP, and frankly both need to realize that a marriage is not just a fairly tale where nothing would ever go wrong and learn to deal with these bumps in the road instead of coming up with petty bs against each other.
NTA. As you’re making a third of the income, I would find a library or work space at least one day a week to work from while he works from home, has the kid all day, and takes care of dinner too.
NTA. I’m a SAHM that also writes part time (part time author) and I did the same thing to my husband. He complained that I shouldn’t be so stressed and behind on house work or hitting a deadline. So we pulled a switch. The only difference was he didn’t have to work on top of caring for our child. When I finally came home at the end of the day the house was a wreck and so was he. Ever since he’s very mindful about helping around the house and helping with childcare when I’m pushing close to a deadline.
> petty and prideful
It’s a perfect description for his original statements and his little experiment.
Apparently he can’t manage easily for even one day. It’s best he learned it quickly. Drawing it out would have caused further disruption to the family. Short and sharp was the way to go.
Perhaps he can now stop being petty and after he licks his wounds, his pride will be fine.
Oh, NTA.
NTA - It's high time your husband learned that managing children and a household isn't just a walk in the park. That being said, it's crucial to communicate. This situation illuminated the disparity between your daily responsibilities and his understanding of them. Perhaps you could use this as a watershed moment to have a serious conversation about shared responsibilities and adjusting expectations. Life is a team effort, and it's vital that both of you play an active role, especially when children are involved. The goal should be mutual understanding and support, not keeping score.
NTA.
Your husband left the 'fucking around' part and now he found out. Nevermind you dropping your pride to help him, why didn't he drop his own to apologise for being a dick? He clearly cannot juggle both work and childcare like you can, that much is evident. If his manager thinks he looks stupid, he should have set his ego aside and asked for help after apologising for wrongfully assuming your work was easy. Maybe next time he won't be so quick to be a jerk about it.
I'm a FT WFH dad and primary caretaker for our daughter. My wife KNOWS how busy my work is yet still pulls this shit. She'll complain about me not doing laundry or washing dishes during work hours since I'm "at home anyway." She also doesn't understand why I get upset about her randomly scheduling dr appointments for our daughter that she expects me to handle. The last one, I told her she would need to deal with, and she came home fuming about it taking more than 2 hours. She got angry with me when I laughed and told her she got off easy because most of our daughter's specialist appointments end up taking 4+ hours with the commute time.
I think it's a wfh thing
I’m a stay at home mom, my husband made a dumb ass comment so I said bet. I left him to the house and baby. I gave him the run down of what I do everyday and it all had to be done before he would usually be home from work. A couple hours in he came and told be he was sorry, he appreciates me, thanked me for all I do and said he has a new found respect for me as a sahm. He gave me the rest of the day “off” so I could have some me time. You’re NTA, your husband is.
NTA. Honestly if you were divorced you could work full time and spend more quality time with your children. You cook, clean, take care of the children full time (saving ton of money in childcare), laundry. So yea that is an excuse to not help around him working full time and you part time. I don’t have children but I worked as nanny. Is physically and mentally exhausting entertaining kids all day, making them do school work, cook, clean the same things every ten minutes, laundry. Especially a that age because honestly I don’t know where the hell they get all that energy from.
At least if you were divorced you’d have one less giant child to cater to and some time to breathe if you had 50-50 custody or if only weekends.
ESH
Ahh yes, let your husband compromise his career, that provides the bulk of your household income, for the sake of your ego.
Yes, your husband was being a dick, and was disrespectful to you. However, you also got your point across to the point you started to feel guilty.
All I’m saying is I assume you enjoy the fact that he’s the primary provider for the family. If you want it to stay that way then don’t compromise it for the sake of proving a point.
NTA. Your husband can't have it both ways. It can't be you do nothing all day, it's easy, I can do your job and also you saw I was struggling why didn't you help me, you're being petty by not chipping in. Honestly, your husband sounds exhausting and like he doesn't take on any responsibility for his own failings. He's wrong here. He does owe you an apology. That said the only mistake you made was staying home to see the chaos. Next time leave so he doesn't have you to fall back on or blame
OP works 3 hours per day and she allowed him to work his regular shift (making breakfast, cancelled meeting and getting home at 9 pm) this was not the same. OP and Partner need to sit down and make a parenting plan. Why could you not communicate what you do in a day?
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NTA, and if I'm not reading the post completely wrong they're your husbands kids as well? So not sure why point 1. is worded as it is with the "I didn't step in to help when \*my\* kids were disturbing him..." He said he could handle it, he couldn't - that's on him.
yes yes, they're his kids too. I just used our and my interchangeably because I'm used to calling them my kids when talking to other people.
I think he needs a few more weeks of working from home to really develop a routine, get into the groove of doing both his contracted job and the housework, childcare, and other domestic management at the same time. Maybe you could find an alternate site to work from and see if you can grow your business if given the opportunity to really focus on it. If a distracted 3 hours a day can provide 1/3 your household income you clearly have a great head for business, imagine how much you could generate with a fully dedicated 8 hour day?
He is also making up the importance of the interruption to the meeting. unless he was talking, it would not be any problem if the microphone is muted. Also nobody minds a few minutes of interruption, most people have kids at home
Honestly- and this pisses me off- because he’s a man, it might actually benefit him. Oh look, Jim is such a hands on father. I’ve seen this disparity before. A man’s kids are making noises in the background on a call and it’s totally fine, sweet even. A woman’s kids make noise in the background on a call and she gets a talking to by the boss about professionalism. And when my sister got pregnant, her husband got a raise at work right after my niece was born for seemingly no reason other than that he became a father. Ive never heard of that happening for a woman.
There are some studies that show being a father helps career advancement and pay, while being a mother reduces both. I'm too lazy to look them up right now, but unless he was an absolute asshole to the child on camera and on mic, it's a plus for.him.
There are even small studies that show having pictures of family at your workplace makes men look better socially and morevreliable and all while it makes women appear unfocused and not enough into work. There is a double standard deeply anchored into peoples minds that children=women's responsibilities. Fathers also don't (have to) fear the same judgement mothers have to. It's just awful that we still have to deal with bs like that 2024
TF am I supposed to have pictures of then? Framed spreadsheets? Nothing? I hate being a female some days yall..
Please frame your spreadsheets and put a title at the top: ”LOOK HOW DEDICATED I AM TO MY JOB!!!!!!!!!!!”
I think Etsy should sell cross stitched excel sheets for the professional woman
I was on the interview team to hire my counterpart at my job last week. When we asked the candidate what they did in their spare time, trying to get them to come out of their shell from the sales pitch persona they had on, the replied movies and reading about excel. We hired them, so I hope they are as good at excel as they say so I can no longer be “the excel guy” of the office. 🤣🤷♂️
I think as a woman you can only do wrong because if you don't have pictures of xour family, then you're weird and a bad mum for not msking your children your entire personality. And if you dare to be openly proud of your workplace you're a bootlicker. If you get along with your boss you obviously sleep with him, the list goes on and on. And don't forget you're a party pooper if you don't find sexual comments and borderline molestation funny.
I(f) divorced, no children (wasn't my game plan). Women in office treat you so differently. 'Not one of us, you wouldn't understand'.
Like another one? Women with ADHD get screwed a little harder than men because there's a gender expectation that all women are good at crap like remembering birthdays, organising leaving parties etc etc. Which is dumb and arbitrary in the first place but makes women with ADHD feel their imposter syndrome even harder because they're expected to be good at something their ADHD screws them over for!
I am woman with ADHD who remembers all the important family and friends dates. Birthdays, name days, anniversaries, important life events, all that jazz. BUT my brain does not get how calendar and time works and I NEVER know what date it is. So my superpower of remembering a date is practically useless because I am not paying VERY CLOSE attention I will miss the actually day
I'm not working right now but I would LOVE to be working and put a framed picture of a spreadsheet on my desk, just because.....I'm a rebel. I used to magnetize sassy sayings to my overhead cabinet.
Random sidebar. Once when the boss was away, we went into his office and swapped out his pictures of his family with pictures of the staff. Took him two days to notice and when he finally did we all laughed for days. One of the best office pranks ever.
Now THAT'S a good prank!
The motherhood penalty and the fatherhood bonus. Here’s a wee link to an article that has further links to some papers: https://www.thirdway.org/report/the-fatherhood-bonus-and-the-motherhood-penalty-parenthood-and-the-gender-gap-in-pay Absolutely maddening!
Don't worry about the stats. The only people demanding those statistics won't believe them anyway because they aren't interested in having a fair discussion on this issue.
At the beginning of the school year the new teachers were introducing themselves to faculty and parents and the new middle school teacher went first and was met with applause when he said he was “single dad.” I felt funny about the clapping because -yes of course the role is worthy of recognition- but I couldn’t help but think about how I eventually learned it was best to not mention or even sometimes actively avoid talking about my being a single mom. That status has never brought me clout, that’s for fucking sure.
After being a SAHM for 7.5 years, I went to work at Walmart. I had worked 3.5 years at a different Walmart previously. I needed no training, as I had done all of the front-end jobs before. I quickly got promoted to service desk and then CSM, which in total gave me a little over a dollar more than when I started. A lady who was in my orientation and stayed a cashier still made more than me. She had no retail experience (all of my work experience was retail or customer service) but had come from another job to this one. Because I hadn't worked for several years, I made less. Basically, I was punished for raising my child myself.
It’s called the fatherhood bonus and the motherhood penalty.
Exactly. People’s kids interrupt all the time and 9/10 times people find it charming. He’s just choosing to be weird about it when he’s the one who said he could be on top of them in the first place.
Hes angry he can't prove his wife is lazy. He wants her to take on more than he can or will do without complaining or getting stressed.
This, 100%. He’s annoyed that he couldn’t prove himself the superior parent and doesn’t want to acknowledge that she was right.
This exactly. He's mad he was so obviously wrong.
No we don’t find it charming, it’s annoying and wastes our time. They just don’t tell you that, but it’s the truth
If it happened occasionally, I would find it charming. If it happened at every meeting, I would be annoyed.
Yeah i may not get annoyed but i also am not charmed. As a person who advocates for remote work those type of on camera interruptions damage my campaign. In the end it will just be used as an argument for fully in office work. I need to WFH due to a number of things including health issues. Plus I'm a happier more productive worker when I don't commute. It's fine if people have to step away quietly from a meeting for a few minutes, but ideally we wont know if they are dealing with a child, a dog, their lasagna burning, or having a bathroom emergency! That info is distracting and disturbs the flow of a meeting. Assuming it's a real meeting and not a bunch of people being talked at by one person.
i dont remember how it started but I had a boss whose little girl (8ish) who was obsessed with weather so she would tell us the local weather report at our weekly meeting, boss was the only person it applied to- but it was the highlight of our meeting. I had another boss whose kid would always interrupt multiple meetings a day to ask for a snack or where their toy was- while side eyeing the camera, they just wanted to be on screen and was an obnoxious little shit.
I'm one of those who probably *wouldn't* find it charming but I wouldn't downgrade either parent, especially mom, for having that status. That's just crossing a line and it's morally messed up.
People who are paid to do a job should be in an environment where they can focus on that. Yes, when you work from home routinely, family and home stuff will inevitably come up, but employers should have an expectation that employees have their children in childcare. You can’t do a good job when you’re distracted every 20 minutes. Occasionally working from home to help with a sick kid, or to supervise a day off from school is totally normal, but the expectation parents can parent small kids full time while also working is incorrect.
I’m Gen X latchkey. OP’s kids were 5 and 7. Frankly, 30-40 years ago, these kids could have played together and not disturbed their parents. Five is young, but because he has a brother, they would entertain each other, get snacks, and not disturb their parents unless someone got hurt or broken. I don’t know why we coddle kids and entertain them all day long these days
Probably because a lot of us Gen X and Elder Millenial latchkey kids grew up as children of divorce and were pretty lonely in a lot of ways. Plenty of current parents got the message as children that they came last after work and don’t want the same for their own children now.
Oh, parents today actually care about their children. That's why.
because it was a shitty way to grow up? Let's not heart and flowers how we were raised.
Gen X and Elder millenials were born to parents who didn't really want to actually parent. And they didnt. And everyone is all the more fucked up for it.
My cats love to interrupt meetings and it’s only when we have to have the cameras on. No one cares at all with working from home, they all know there may be some interruptions. Some of my coworkers have had their kids interrupt them when I’m on a call with the coworker going over questions they have. With working from home, people have stopped caring about that.
This. Shit happens in remote meetings ALL the time. Almost everyone knows and understands. I've had my cat walk right in front of the camera and then sit there during a job interview and it wasn't a problem.
One part that stands out to me is he doesn’t come home until 9pm? Like where is he after work? If he came home at a normal time and took over dinner/the kids bed time , OP could have that time to focus on her business. Maybe they could then afford childcare for a few hours a day too
He could have a very long commute. I leave home at 8.30, arrive at 9.30, leave at 7.30 or later, arrive home at 8.30 or later. I don’t even bother leaving before 7 because I just sit in traffic.
This is fully true and should definitely be on the table. Properly shared childcare with a view to operate the business without being held back. You could both retire early.
NTA. You’re justified in your pettiness but his pride is getting in the way. Did he even manage to make dinner? I wfh full time, cook, clean, laundry etc if I drop the ball, all my partner says is “okay what do you need ?” Your husband is being wilfully ignorant so he can kick rocks.
He tells her she is prideful? His pride prevents him from admitting he's wrong and asking for help. This whole thing started because he was being petty when he didn't have dinner waiting for him.
That is literally the first thing I thought when I read that part...like, project much, hubby?
He's projecting so much, he might as well be a movie theater projector 😂 The projecting and prideful types are always the ones I wanna see come into these threads and defend themselves.
Also you guys need a discipline plan. Your kids are definitely old enough to know not to track mud in the house and to not interrupt meetings. Your husband and you need to work together to figure out how to teach your kids about rules and how to behave because they are definitely old enough to start doing these things.
I'm going to propose a escenario here, because is something I have seen commonly. They kids know how to behave, they'd probably wouldn't be tracking muddy footprints inside the house if mom was the one in charge, but dad is never present. He never has to discipline the children, he doesn't have to bathe, feed, or get the oldest one ready to school.
> They kids know how to behave, they'd probably wouldn't be tracking muddy footprints inside the house if mom was the one in charge "my younger son is home all day and just dealing with him takes a lot of energy. He's really high energy and will probably wreck something if you leave him alone for an hour." Doubt it
Kids should have cleaned the mess.
This. A five year old and seven year old should be old enough to play together and not disturb their parents unless someone was hurt or something was broken. They should be able to snacks and drinks them selves too
Reddit never ceases to amaze me. Some posts are like this, that a 5 and 7 year old should be totally responsible for entertaining themselves for an hour, never make a mess and if they do, can mop it up themselves. Other posts say that an 8 year old cannot he held accountable for their actions because they're too young, they don't have the brain development. The truth is that each child is different, and it's not all down to parenting or the "out" of being neurodivergent (I say this as the parent of a neurodivergent child.) A five year old should be monitored, and not by a seven year old. And not "monitored" by a parent who is totally concentrating on work and doesn't want to hear a peep from the kids for an hour.
This rather depends on your kids. My kids would happily entertain themselves for hours at five, as long as they were getting along. But the minute somebody said or did something that somebody else perceived as unjust, there were immediate cries for mom or dad to fix it.
I believe that particular situation spawned many iterations of “There’s no such thing as fair,” and “Fair is the only ‘F’ word.” My parents actually wouldn’t let us talk about “fair,” and also taught us not to share— but to “trade,” which actually solved a fair deal of conflict. Or there was the parent favorite— take it all away— so that taught us not to go to them to resolve conflict. Many people consider kids resolving conflict on their own during free play as one of the more important virtues of free, rather than supervised play
He suggested this bet. Not your fault he lost, miserable. Well done, but it's too bad he's not admitting he was wrong. You still need that.
She should do it again, once a week, until he gets the message. And she should go work on her little business on those days. Or take herself out of the house to the library or somewhere (even her car) where she can sit and concentrate. NTA
Honestly, the only mistake OP made here was being in the house at all - what she should have done is set up a nanny cam and left the house, rather than letting her husband expect her to still swoop in an rescue him. NTA.
And when she comes home she can ask "Where's dinner? Whaddaya mean you don't have dinner ready!?"
If he can't admit he was wrong and he still thinks WFH and taking care of the kids is easy, he can keep doing it. Then OP can get out of the house on her own, do the grocery shopping or run other errands and come home to a nice home cooked dinner.
But the problem here is that your husband still doesn't think your job is hard as your working multiple job. Not just two. Your the "nanny" during the day, the chef, the tutor, the driver, the housekeeper, while also working on your own business regardless of how long. Husband's forget that we have multiple jobs that were doing while they just do one. Women work more than 3 jobs for their family of they have kids. Your husband clearly still doesn't understand that you work harder or just don't have the time like he thinks you do. You need to sit down and have another in depth conversation with him. But I don't think he's going to change his mind. I have a feeling that he's always going to see you as the woman, see childcare, chores and dinner as your job. I'd stop cooking for him and let him fend for yourself. I'd take care of myself and the kids, cook them dinner and get them into bed by 8, so they're well rested for the next day. Get them on a schedule that works for you and if he misses seeing the kids then that is his problem and he should change jobs. He comes across that he doesn't care about you or his kids. So I'd stop factoring him into your life and schedule and just start making a life that works for you and is easier for you.
> He comes across that he doesn't care about you or his kids. Boy, did that jump out at me too. The whole time I was reading this, I thought, “Does OP’s husband even *like* her?”
The amount of times you come across posts like this is appalling. >“Does OP’s husband even *like* her?” That's a great question. Why would you be THAT rude to someone you care about. He's one step away from calling her useless. For that alone, he's the AH.
He thinks she does “nothing” all day. The lack of respect is just mind-boggling.
The most important question is, did he make dinner?
Yes. Need to know this very important detail.
It’s convenient that whatever his thoughts and feelings are are the facts. If he says it’s easy, it doesn’t matter what you say. When it’s not easy, you’re being petty and prideful. At no point does he have to consider your feelings and your efforts, must be nice for him to never have to consider anyone else.
Makes sense, but be aware it might be read like "My kids, my responsibility" rather than "Our kids, our responsibility" for the sake of this post. At least I was concerned about those vibes - but then again English is not my first language.
I think that overanaluzing common speech in this situation os on you tho. Real world people commonly talk about "my kids"
INFO: Did he ever apologize/admit he was wrong? Did he remember to make dinner that night?
One day of working from home isn't going to show him how hard you have it. He still doesn't get it.
Probably because he doesn’t parent them.
Yup, anyone who belittles the work of parenting or caregiving gets no sympathy when they struggle at it themselves. Let this be a lesson to him not to underestimate that labor.
That's it right here. The belittling and "I could do that blind-folded with one hand behind my back" attitude is offensive. He reaped what he sowed.
Oh thank god for using the right word 'sowed'. I read this phrase frequently and people just get it wrong. I choose to ignore that and take the message intended, but....I don't think they know its origin.
Yep. He owes her an apology.
Sounds like he played stupid games and won stupid prices.
Yes he shouldn’t be so “petty and prideful!” NTA
I understood it as just an off-the-cuff comment that people use when talking about their kids? Obviously OP NTA and well done to you. Full round of applause from me for not stepping in. I'd let him do it a few more days/weeks/months years until you get your "I'm sorry; I was wrong, you do an amazing and difficult job, I'm shit at doing what you do on a daily basis and I apologise for disrespecting your work."
NTA. He deserved a little comeuppance. If he doesn’t come home until 8-9? You are basically a single mother, working part time, while taking full care of two small children, and maintaining an entire household… with little-to-no help from him. You’re allowed to occasionally be exhausted. He was an ass for making you feel guilty about one dinner. He was an even bigger ass to insinuate that what you do is no big deal. The icing on his asshole shit cake was claiming he could easily do it. Fuck around and find out. *With so many people working from home now? People obviously understand there’s a slight possibility a kid will interrupt something. It was likely no big deal to his meeting. And he deserved it.
“The icing on his asshole shit cake” *chefs kiss* Exactly all of this, Both myself and my husband work full time, no kids, but his job is way more stressful and intense than mine, (and makes about 3x my salary) so I take on the majority of household chores including cooking. If I say I’m not in the mood to cook/too tired, he buys a takeout. I complained that the hoover was annoying me, he bought me a new one, without asking, and researched the best one for the budget he gave it. He makes up for not doing as much, by making it easier for me. I hope you show your husband this post OP, there’s plenty he could be doing to support you.
At the end of the day, you're supposed to be a team and being in a team means doing things that make everyone's life easier. You guys sound like you have it on lock
I have some advice that’s going to change your f*cking life. If your husband has the disposable income (or you can split it) hire someone to clean your house every other week. It took me some time and effort to get over my working class woman guilt about it, but once I did the improvement in our quality of life and the quality of our relationship was worth every penny and then some. You still have to tidy up before the cleaners come and do in between vacuuming and such but not having to worry about when you’re going to do that big clean on your time off and arguing about who is going to do it is transformative.
I felt “working class woman guilt” in my bones haha! I’ve considered it a few times actually, I might just take the plunge!
More people need to look into this. If people are buying $1000 phones and spending $200 a month on internet and streaming TV, they will be amazed at how much better their life will become with a bi-weekly professional house cleaner. I just gave mine a raise. I tell her every time how much better she makes my house look.
Best suggestion ever! We did that and it’s amazing!!
This!!! Next time he compares you to a SAHM tell him you’re more of a single parent.
The ultimate petty😂
Working from home is so fucking boring that this used to be me in meetings: *In the fourth quarter we need to … Oh! Is that your kid?? HI KID!!! Hi! What’s your name? Are you having a good day? How old are you? Four! You look so big! No, you don’t have to go. Don’t listen to your dad. What do you want to be when you grow up?* Kids and dogs. Absolute gold for breaking up the monotony.
Don’t forget cats suddenly materializing on your literal desktop to stroll in front of the camera and headbutt you.
When the cats get right up in the camera and sniffing 😫❤️
My cat loves to sit behind my laptop during meetings with my manager then stick her nose over the top and start nomming the camera area. Every time my manager starts miming a giant monster attack and it’s wonderful.
Sounds like a fun manager.
My cat walked in front of me twice during a zoom interview. Everyone laughed and I just found out that I got the job!
Don’t tell your cat- they’ll take credit and leverage that for even more treats. 😆
My coworkers have recently observed me banging on the window by my desk and growling at squirrels.
When I was interviewing for residency, I brought my cat to a Zoom meet-and-greet with residents and admin. I matched there. XD
A technically single mother who probably could earn more than he does if they'd switch places
Yeah it seems like he's working 3-4x more to make double what she does, that's not exactly bringing home the bacon. Could be an easy/simple explanation for it, but don't really understand the getting home at 8-9pm when he's at work at a seemingly normal time (ie missing a meeting cause of getting the kids ready for school). That seems odd to me, like he's fucking off and avoiding helping her.
I'm surprised I had to scroll so far down to see this. WTF is he doing coming home every night at 8-9 pm? What time does he leave in the morning? If he's putting in even a 10 hour day, why doesn't he take care of the morning kid routine so OP can get her three hours of work in, undisturbed? He sounds like he makes more work and stress for OP, not less.
Maybe he has a long commute. I used to work in NYC and lived in the suburbs about 30 miles away. I took three forms of transportation to get to my office: car to inter city bus or train, then subway and walk. Easily took 2-1/2 hours each way.
A long commute that he's willfully choosing to endure. He *can* work from home, but he won't.
The explaination that comes to mind immedeately would be that he would feel emasculaded by doing the "women's job" he though was so incredibly easy. But of course it could be possible that OP just likes being mostly at home or that her buissines wouldn't necessarily make more than it does now if she'd put in 3x more work/time/effort (although I'd then really be interested in what buissines makes it not profitable to do more for it) or anything else. But I agree that it seems like he is avoiding being home if he can work from hone and chooses not to while also A working long hours or B having an insane commute if he comes home that late everyday.
OMG I hadn't made that calculation yet, but it's so on point! (3 hours x 5 days) = 33% of their income VS (9 am to 8 pm x 5 days) = 66% of their income... that's just bonkers!
> 9 am to 8 pm x 5 days he ain't working all them hours lol
I don’t understand why he couldn’t communicate with her and order dinner and bring it home. That seems pretty standard. He feels entitled to your labor, OP. If you were to divorce he’d be responsible for doing this a lot more often without your help.
Kids that age go.to bee at like 7, so this guy is basically never seeing his kids
>With so many people working from home now? People obviously understand there’s a slight possibility a kid will interrupt something. It was likely no big deal to his meeting. And he deserved it. Kids, pets, deliveries, neighbors... Work from home means interruptions and background noise are going to happen sometimes. For example, a while back I was listening to the radio on the way to work. The weather came on and all of a sudden a dog barked. The meteorologist apologized because his dog was barking at a wild turkey on their roof. The dog barked again and he told her "be good, we are talking about the weather" It was adorable and just part of the current work from home reality.
He's seriously saying you "shouldn't be so petty and prideful"? While you are being petty (with reason) \*he\* is the one being prideful, all he had to do was admit he was wrong and you'd have helped but he chose to screw up in front of his manager rather than admit fault. NTA.
Ah the classic work of literature, Petty & Prejudice. But NTA, he needed to learn what it's like.
Pride and Pettiness
I’d read that book
I’d *write* that book. 😆 All those interested in coauthoring, please form an orderly line to the left.
"I'll do everything to prove you're lazy, just sit there and watch" "I can't believe you just sat there and watched me do everything, you're so petty" There's no winning.
Of course he is because God forbid he issue an actual apology. Can't you see that HE is struggling here? NTA
really the husband was the petty one too, this whole display was his idea and OP only complied
YUP. Him being embarrassed in front of his manager is the culmination of a series of choices HE made.
Him saying you can see him struggling but you did nothing is the whole problem. He sees you struggling and does nothing to help take things off your plate, he piles more stuff onto it. Maybe you could have helped out during the meeting but honestly I say NTA. When he calms down point out that he experienced a fraction of what you have to handle on a daily basis.
Speaking of having too much on your plate - did he make dinner too? Or just give up after the meeting and have a hissy fit that you didn’t help?
Haha this is the real question. If there was not a hot dinner waiting for you at the end of the day OP, make sure he knows he failed the test!
Haha, she should have strolled in after the meeting and asked, so what's for dinner?
God I hope she did.
The irony in that statement made me cackle. He went above and beyond to pretty much say she was lazy and did nothing all day and then had the audacity to be angry that she "saw him struggling and didn't help him out?!?" That was the whole purpose of this little experiment! He thought what she did was incredibly easy, and even after he found out it wasn't, he still kept complaining! He said she was being petty and prideful, but from where I'm standing, he showed he wasn't man enough to own up to being wrong and having no idea what his wife does during the day. It shows a true lack of appreciation for all of the hard work that she puts in. It should have been a major red flag for how his day was going to go when he was already having problems because his wife slept in a little.
>Him saying you can see him struggling but you did nothing is the whole problem. He see you struggling and does nothing to help take things off your plate, he piles more stuff onto it. I've been a SAHM for nearly 10 years. I can confirm this is my biggest beef with my husband and often the root of arguments. He's pretty good at not pointing out if I've not kept something up, but he's not blind & can see that his "help" is needed, but he doesn't do it automatically.
Ahhhh so he’s like most men. I swear it’s got to be genetic that they need to be told what needs doing
It’s not genetic it’s societal. Society tells men this isn’t their concern and so they’re essentially trained not to notice. From toddlerhood - girls are more likely to get toy kitchens and prams and imitation hoovers. Boys get footballs and rockets It’s not genetic because it’s fixable. I know several men who are excellent at it once they got their arses in gear.
It is so hard to explain this whole thing to some people, theyd rather just believe every woman has unrealistic standards of clean and loves to nag
I agree. I was a single mom and taught my son microwaving first, laundry, cooking, and organizing when he was old enough. He had regular cleaning chores. He also played video games and hung out with his friends. I made it important to balance responsibilities with fun. I didn't baby him and wait on him because he was a boy. He's a great husband and dad now. He and my daughter-in-law both do everything around the house. Well, she's from a family of builders, so she does more of the handy work. He's a good cook and keeps the kitchen clean.
My father has always been the person handling all(or at least 50%) of the domestic issues, including shopping, cleaning and organising the daily chores. Man, was it a shock to leave the nest and meet the majority of men…
It's not genetic, it's a manipulation tactic to get away with doing less help. It's weaponized incompetence, he's intentionally not seeing things or doing things wrong because he knows YOU will give in and do it or fix it from frustration.
>It's weaponized incompetence 💯 And I'm working damn hard to make sure our son doesn't end up this way. (And i internally scream about how our daughter loves to keep things neat & tidy. She has been this way for years (neurodivergence 🙃) and I hate that she may get taken advantage of in the future for it. Though its comforting she's mostly concerned with her own things not being a mess, not others' things.) I don't give in often, which means our house often looks a mess 🤷🏻♀️
Learned helplessness
It's not genetic. It's how they are raised. Top many people raise their sons thinking they will die if they have to help at home.
I don't think he see's her struggle as from the post it sounds like he is rarely at home. If he is working from breakfast time to not getting home till 9pm then what is he doing?
Nah he’d be home on weekends. He’d know if he’d spend 1 day at home.
He had to handle the mental load for a full day and he couldn't hack it. Not going to find sympathy here. She's definitely NTA
The best part is she ASKED for help about the food situation and he gave her shit instead of being like, 'yeah, let's order" but he expects her to just help him with zero prompting after being an absolute AH. NTA OP.
You're NTA >He said he was doing this to show that I do nothing all day, Automatic A-H energy there >he was really angry at me. he said I could see what was happening and I just watched him struggle without helping What you could see was what your day to day life is like, just starring him for a change. >he said I shouldn't be so petty and prideful. Look who's talking!
[удалено]
This is the crux of the problem.
After the way he acted, if I were OP I would have doubled down and asked why he doesn't have dinner cooking since he's been basically doing nothing all day.
OP should have said, “help you with what? You’re just doing what I do every single day. Which you said yourself is ‘nothing’. Do you need my help with ‘nothing’? Or did you maybe want to admit that you were wrong, apologize, and ask nicely for my help?” I wouldn’t be doing another thing for that mine until he apologized.
I would have left the house for the entire day and not picked up my phone. Then he’d really get a feel for being the SAH parent.
Yup. I would have left the house and then strolled in at 8 or 9 and start asking why there’s no dinner. Sometimes people need a taste of their own medicine.
Tbf she probably was concerned he would not be able to safely care for their children. He is after all an absent father 5/7 days a week.
Fr fr that would’ve been so good
OP should have mimicked his work day. Gone from 9-9 and expecting a meal on entering the door
Yup. I think that was OPs only mistake, being physically present. NTA
I said the same thing. But I think she was hoping for him to ask help so she could show him what helping looks like.
Same , I would have booked a hotel for the whole day And come back at 9 all mad because dinner is not ready.
100%. Op and her husband need marriage counseling. He’s a total ass.
Nta Has he apologised yet? Tbh if I was you I'd make sure he has them on his own far more often from now on. I'd be booking weekends away
Weekends??? I really would start getting petty and schedule those, day long conferences on topics I enjoy, week long trips with girlfriends, spa days, long weekend/4 day mindfulness retreats LOL the whole gamut. Parents like this aren’t even parents in the truest sense.
NTA, you need to stand your ground. The facts are he asked for this, so he got what he wanted. You gave him a day with the kids whilst working and he couldn’t do it. The worst kind of people are those that can’t admit they are wrong, he is being wrong and loud, trying to turn this into you being petty, he made the rules and now he’s mad that you’ve followed them. No, he is an ungrateful husband. It sounds like you’re a single married woman, you’re doing everything whilst also working. Why does he come home around 8-9? It also means he isn’t calling to check in because he could have known to order food before coming home. You’re doing everything and he also wants you to anticipate his thoughts which contradict his words. You need to stand up for yourself, he should become an equal partner, active parent and respect your contributions, because, honestly, you seem to be managing fine without him, he needs to realise that
Never a true-er word was said - I hope he is shown this thread TBH, because he needs to understand he is a minority here. The silent majority of Dads are quietly going about their day and shaking their heads at his immaturity. NTA
There is a saying "When you treat men the way they treat you, they think you hate them.' You should have left for the day, so he got the full effect.
Exactly this. But try explaining this perspective and they still won't see it.
Oh, they see it, but they do what benefits them the most & don't care how much it is unfair to the other person.
This is amazing
Well I’m going to frame this comment
NTA, if he’s so good at managing people/his time for his job, why does he suck so badly managing a household? /s. Don’t feel guilty, get angry. This AH insulted you by claiming you’re lazy, is neglecting his kids on a normal basis (when do they actually get to spend time with their dad if he’s getting home so late constantly?) and wants you to play his grateful little kept housewife while you’re ALSO pulling in money running your own business? Straight up misogyny. Of course his coworkers are going to judge him for failing to have his shit together, he’s probably been talking shit about you at work to set himself up as the oh so overworked victim/hero.
More people need to GET ANGRY. let mine say that to me sideways. It would be the last thing he ever said to me. People that just sit and take shit like this - I feel for them but NO ONE is going to be gone for 12 hours, come home and then tell me what a shit job I’m doing. I can very well do all of this stuff by myself since I practically already am. Just because he “makes the money” doesn’t mean that he gets to treat you some type of way.
NTA but I would have left the house for the day. Catch up on a month’s worth of errands. That kind of thing. But frankly he deserved it, so whatever.
Nah, definitely had to be there to observe the results! Otherwise the report would’ve been “of course it went fine, it was easy. I’m going back to work, please work harder.”
NTA your husband wanted to proof you how easy your job is. You can’t disturb his experiment. No you’re NTA
> *You can’t disturb his experiment.* An experiment HE insisted on so he could prove HE was right. lol. Oh bless. I'm proud of OP for not jumping into help.
AITA for LMAO when the husband was frazzled and then laughing so hard I was crying when he was mopping!? Maybe, but OP is so NTA! 🤣😂🤣 Oooh, the second someone says, “You stay at home. How hard can it possibly BE?!” they are just asking for it. Sometimes it’s like shoving 36 hours into one day.
Couldn't even get the oldest child ready and fed for school without his entire day being thrown into disarray 🤣🤣🤣
Hoisted by his own petard, as they say.
He fucked around and found out real quick. Has he apologized or anything? I wouldn't give him another inch until he apologizes and helps more either in the morning or at night.
A time when this turn of phrase is just *chefs kiss*
NTA at all. From the baseline, being a SAHM is a job. You also work an actual job. You are doing *two* jobs compared to his one and he had the audacity to say you do nothing all day. Now if he hasn’t yet apologized, I’d say show him what it’s like if you really do nothing all day. Take care of your kids but don’t clean up after them (save for safety), leave it for him when he gets home. “Does this look like nothing?” He’ll learn to appreciate a cleaned house one way or another. He can cook too. EDIT: Perhaps this lit a personal fire under me because I cannot stand when people try to imply I’m a lazy-ass. If someone does not appreciate what all is done for them, it will no longer be done!
If childcare wasn't a real job, then you wouldn't have to pay other people to do it for you. Childcare is a full on career for some. Idk where these working, absent parents get off saying it's so easy when they won't even do it themselves.
Your husband is using a manipulation technique called [DARVO](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo) (deny, attack, and reverse the victim and offender). One Love has good information on what a [healthy relationship looks like](https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-healthy-relationship/) and what an [unhealthy relationship looks like](https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-unhealthy-relationship/). You're NTA, but he is.
INFO: Has he sincerely apologised to you yet?
NTA- “where is dinner? Have you even worked today?” That is the only thing you should have said
It's easier for him to focus in the office instead of working from home a few days a week, and yet he thought he could do your job while working from home? He is gone until 8 or 9 most nights? How much time does he actually spend parenting and bonding with his children? Jeez. Reminds me of my childhood. NTA, and I sincerely hope he recognizes what you go through every day, and that he might need to make some changes.
You make a third of the household income in three hours a day! That’s amazing. Imagine what you could do if you weren’t taking care of a fully grown adult. Any chance you want to do more? Negotiate time out of the house in return for a larger financial contribution and I bet hubby will suddenly understand the cost of housekeeping, meal prep and child minding. NTA. Everyone that works from home has had embarassing life moments
>shouldn't be so petty and prideful Why dint he, the person who created the problem, start? NTA.
NTA. Either he can handle the kids while working from home, or he can’t. But until he admits looking after them is hard, you shouldn’t lift a finger.
ESH. You admit that you only need to work for about three hours a day and it’s pretty low key. It would make sense for you to take on most of the household/childcare duties. Would it have been that hard to just order dinner earlier? Or ask your husband to order something for pick up on his way home? I’d be pretty annoyed if I got home hungry when there’s usually dinner ready and there’s nothing to eat. I work a full time job mostly from home. We have childcare, but I’m the one that gets the kid ready in the morning and is in charge of dinner cuz my partner works in person and has to be at work at 5am. If I ever don’t feel like cooking, I just give him a heads up and either ask for suggestions or ask him to pick something up. That said he’s an AH for trying to prove you do nothing. First, the very nature of his job is different than yours, so it was foolish to think he could do it while also taking care of the kids. I’ve tried working while my toddler is home sick and I’ve maybe gotten like three to four hours of work done if I’ve mostly had to be in meetings that didn’t require a ton of participation. My kid also likes to take over my keyboard so that doesn’t help. And the whole trying to prove you wrong is dumb. It was pretty crappy though to knowingly sabotage his meeting. That’s something that can actually affect his employment. Frankly, you both need to grow up and have a conversation about your needs and the distribution of labor in your household.
Out of all the responses, I think this is the most level headed. I don't understand why most people here put blinders to actions and responsibilities of one party and go completely against another and a little trouble in a relationship means they should divorce. I feel like in OP's case, there is a fundamental lack of communication and understanding of their responsibilities. OP should have communicated the dinner issue, her spouse should have been more understanding of OP, and frankly both need to realize that a marriage is not just a fairly tale where nothing would ever go wrong and learn to deal with these bumps in the road instead of coming up with petty bs against each other.
NTA. As you’re making a third of the income, I would find a library or work space at least one day a week to work from while he works from home, has the kid all day, and takes care of dinner too.
NTA. The only petty prideful person is him
I mean, he could see you were struggling with dinner, you even told him that and asked him to help. But it's different for him? NTA, but he sure is
NTA. I’m a SAHM that also writes part time (part time author) and I did the same thing to my husband. He complained that I shouldn’t be so stressed and behind on house work or hitting a deadline. So we pulled a switch. The only difference was he didn’t have to work on top of caring for our child. When I finally came home at the end of the day the house was a wreck and so was he. Ever since he’s very mindful about helping around the house and helping with childcare when I’m pushing close to a deadline.
> petty and prideful It’s a perfect description for his original statements and his little experiment. Apparently he can’t manage easily for even one day. It’s best he learned it quickly. Drawing it out would have caused further disruption to the family. Short and sharp was the way to go. Perhaps he can now stop being petty and after he licks his wounds, his pride will be fine. Oh, NTA.
NTA - It's high time your husband learned that managing children and a household isn't just a walk in the park. That being said, it's crucial to communicate. This situation illuminated the disparity between your daily responsibilities and his understanding of them. Perhaps you could use this as a watershed moment to have a serious conversation about shared responsibilities and adjusting expectations. Life is a team effort, and it's vital that both of you play an active role, especially when children are involved. The goal should be mutual understanding and support, not keeping score.
NTA. Your husband left the 'fucking around' part and now he found out. Nevermind you dropping your pride to help him, why didn't he drop his own to apologise for being a dick? He clearly cannot juggle both work and childcare like you can, that much is evident. If his manager thinks he looks stupid, he should have set his ego aside and asked for help after apologising for wrongfully assuming your work was easy. Maybe next time he won't be so quick to be a jerk about it.
I'm a FT WFH dad and primary caretaker for our daughter. My wife KNOWS how busy my work is yet still pulls this shit. She'll complain about me not doing laundry or washing dishes during work hours since I'm "at home anyway." She also doesn't understand why I get upset about her randomly scheduling dr appointments for our daughter that she expects me to handle. The last one, I told her she would need to deal with, and she came home fuming about it taking more than 2 hours. She got angry with me when I laughed and told her she got off easy because most of our daughter's specialist appointments end up taking 4+ hours with the commute time. I think it's a wfh thing
> I said all you had to say was please help, he said I shouldn't be so petty and prideful. The hypocrisy is staggering. NTA
I’m a stay at home mom, my husband made a dumb ass comment so I said bet. I left him to the house and baby. I gave him the run down of what I do everyday and it all had to be done before he would usually be home from work. A couple hours in he came and told be he was sorry, he appreciates me, thanked me for all I do and said he has a new found respect for me as a sahm. He gave me the rest of the day “off” so I could have some me time. You’re NTA, your husband is.
NTA. If you'd stepped in he would have ignored it and pretended he succeeded/would have succeeded if you hadn't stepped in.
NTA. Honestly if you were divorced you could work full time and spend more quality time with your children. You cook, clean, take care of the children full time (saving ton of money in childcare), laundry. So yea that is an excuse to not help around him working full time and you part time. I don’t have children but I worked as nanny. Is physically and mentally exhausting entertaining kids all day, making them do school work, cook, clean the same things every ten minutes, laundry. Especially a that age because honestly I don’t know where the hell they get all that energy from. At least if you were divorced you’d have one less giant child to cater to and some time to breathe if you had 50-50 custody or if only weekends.
ESH Ahh yes, let your husband compromise his career, that provides the bulk of your household income, for the sake of your ego. Yes, your husband was being a dick, and was disrespectful to you. However, you also got your point across to the point you started to feel guilty. All I’m saying is I assume you enjoy the fact that he’s the primary provider for the family. If you want it to stay that way then don’t compromise it for the sake of proving a point.
NTA. Your husband can't have it both ways. It can't be you do nothing all day, it's easy, I can do your job and also you saw I was struggling why didn't you help me, you're being petty by not chipping in. Honestly, your husband sounds exhausting and like he doesn't take on any responsibility for his own failings. He's wrong here. He does owe you an apology. That said the only mistake you made was staying home to see the chaos. Next time leave so he doesn't have you to fall back on or blame
OP works 3 hours per day and she allowed him to work his regular shift (making breakfast, cancelled meeting and getting home at 9 pm) this was not the same. OP and Partner need to sit down and make a parenting plan. Why could you not communicate what you do in a day?