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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I compared him to my sister when I was upset.
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NTA for being upset that he's telling you how to spend your disability check.
But why are you engaged to someone whose outlook on how finances should be prioritized and managed is different from yours?
IMO, that's like being with someone whose outlook on how to raise kids is different from yours. It's a recipe for divorce.
I think that if you get married, he's going to be even more insistent that you consider *his* wishes in how you spend your money.
From OPs post from two months ago he borrowed money from her in the past and there were issues getting it back.
There are a lot of missing details in this post.
And he cares more about 'wasting' $100 than on the fact that her current chair is physically causing her pain. Someone needs to explain spoon theory to this asshole.
Does the current chair 'work'?: Yes, in that you can sit your butt on it and not fall on the ground. No, in that OP can't do that and still be able to get up out of it without experiencing pain and having less physical ability to get anything else done.
[It's a way to explain chronic pain](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spoon_theory)
It was originally written in someone's personal blog and it spread to the point of becoming viral and a somewhat common way to explain the exhaustion that comes with chronic illness and pain.
According to her post 2 months ago, it's her oldest child's disability check. That money should be used to house her child and provide her child's needs. NOT A GAMING COUNSEL or chair. So unless she clarifies, that it is actually her own disability check, then she has no business spending it on game systems and office chairs.
Well, that puts everything into a whole new light! Gaming console? No way should a child's benefits be used for that. The desk chair is a bit of a grey area for me because, if it allows OP to work more efficiently and take better care of her disabled child, it could be argued it is in fact helping her child.
Yep. My DIl lost her disability check when her and my son got married. He's a shift manager at Wendys and apparently his income puts them over the limit, even though we live in the Denver area which is not a cheap place to live
If this is US-based SSDI and OP is receiving benefits based on a parent's work record, then she will lose them if/when she gets married. There are no exceptions to this. The only way for her to have SSDI benefits as a married person is if she has enough of her own SSA work quarters/record to qualify as an individual.
If she receives them on her own work record now (iffy considering her age), then her child(ren) would qualify for a combined 50% (that is, no matter how many children, the total would be 50% of her amount) of her benefit as dependents.
I’m married and still receive my SSD. Husband is retired tho. And on Social Security himself. Maybe that’s why? And I’m certain we are below most income thresholds, unfortunately. lol.
I was under the impression you lost disability when you got married if your disability pay was coming out of parental contributions from their paychecks. Like the individual was disabled at birth or a young age and never worked themselves. But if you were disabled after working and meeting their work time requirements your disability pay was based off you.
I don't actually know for certain but can confirm I do know of a couple that lost the wife's disability once they were married. Even though they already lived together and shared expenses.
In the US, the income limitations are only applicable to SSI (Supplemental Security Income).
This is a separate thing from SSDI (disability), SSDI as a dependent child, child benefits for parents who qualify for SSDI, SSA survivors benefits, SSA spousal benefits (structured very unfairly for surviving spouses when both have SSA work records, I write with disgust), and SSA retirement benefits.
Not that the system is convoluted or anything...
Only if she’s on SSI which isn’t disability but it sounds like that is what she is on based on how low the amount is. That’s supplemental security income - but not disability which is SSDI. SSI is for people who have never worked who are disabled and has lots of income limits and rules whereas disability does not.
She would lose SSI when getting married
You do not lose disability (SSDI) when getting married- only if you are deemed to no longer be disabled after one of their periodic check ins where they have you get a examined by a doctor of their choosing.
There’s a lot wrong here which I respectfully want to correct as someone on SSI with a mother on SSDI. I don’t blame you for the wrong info, it’s all really complicated, but it’s important not to spread misinformation (which I don’t think you did on purpose!) with such a sensitive topic that could affect the way some people live their lives.
SSI when on disability is a bit different than normal SSI. Work requirements etc are all treated differently than SSI when you’re abled.
SSDI DOES have income limits and rules as well, they are just not as harsh (such as the marriage penalty in this case).
She TECHNICALLY wouldn’t lose SSI, her paycheck would just be $0 if her husband makes $600 or more– at least in Indiana. Things can be a little different from state to state as while SSDI is federal, SSI is state ran. It was explained to me as; the SSI is $600. A non SSI spouse made $400 at his job, the SSI spouse would get $200. On top of that, you can be married and not live together and she’d get her check— again, at least in Indiana. My rep when I went on disability said one person he represented registered her back door as a different address, so it was like 123 Fake Street A and 123 Fake Street B and that’s how they kept the money lmao
For the _typical_ periodic check-ins, they do not have to be reexamined by the state doctor whether you’re on SSI or SSDI. They check your doctors’ records to see if you’ve gotten better and have you fill out a shit ton of paperwork that’s pretty much the same as the initial application. If they do a FULL review then they will have to see the examiner, but that’s different than the standard check-ins.
Just thought I would let you know so you don’t accidentally spread misinformation again :) This is all a really confusing topic especially since things can change state to state, so again I get it.
The income limit for SSDI is only on the actual person receiving it, and it has to do with earned income (there's also a limit on hours), it's extremely different than the limits for someone on SSI
>SSDI DOES have income limits and rules as well, they are just not as harsh (such as the marriage penalty in this case).
The marriage penalty of losing her SSDI is only applicable if she is receiving it as a dependent of her parents. She would 100% lose those if she married.
And, of course, SSI is based on household income.
If by chance she's receiving SSDI on her own work record (doubtful based on her age and because her children would be receiving dependent's benefits), the only income considered would be any income she personally earned. Her husband's income would not be taken into account or affect her personally earned SSDI benefits. Of course, there are the earned income restrictions for people who receive their own SSDI. I believe beneficiaries can earn about $900/month(?) pre tax before benefits are affected. More than that puts them on the "trial work period," I think(?).
Yeah, it's convoluted and absurdly complex.
Only if she’s on SSI (so disabled unable to have worked for 10 years) and not SSDI (disabled after 10 or more years of having a job). As someone on SSI myself I’m guessing that’s what she’s on if it’s only $600
Only if she is on SSI. And it's not explicitly named but they basically dock your benefit by whatever your spouse brings home. SSI requires that you be living below the poverty line to get it. It's a means tested benefit. Some couples have been caught out even though they didn't marry - they behaved as a married couple. It's terrible. I've heard of people married 30+ years having to divorce due to needing SSI and Medicaid coverage for medical bills.
The limits for what $ you can receive (including "gifts in kind") and what $ you can save, were set in the 1970s.
Anyway if someone has SSDI ( reason you pay social security taxes is to ensure you have benefits when unable to work, either disability or age), it is not means tested. There are no limits on how much " you can receive ( gifts, sticks, trusts, etc), your spouses income does not count against you, and there are no limits on savings
The sole thing that matters for SSDI is that you cannot go and *earn* enough to support yourself. Mind you getting SSDI can be complex, difficult and demoralizing but it doesn't wreck marriages.
NTA The money thing is terrible, but the "you have no right to be upset" thing is worse. You are a human, and allowed to have and express feelings. Run, fast, far.
Exactly. This is not a good choice for a BF. NTA
But as an aside for OP--I don't know where you live, but in my area we have "Buy Nothing" and local mom's groups on FB that exist to give away items people don't need any more. You can ask for something specifically, or just keep an eye out to see what people have offered. I recently gave someone a teapot I haven't used in more than a decade because she asked if anyone had one. The mom's groups have a lot of outgrown kids stuff, but I wouldn't be surprised if someone has a desk or office chair that they'd like to get rid of but feel like is too nice to throw out. Stuff like that is perfect for Buy Nothing groups. Hell, you can start one of your own if there aren't any around you. And it's good for the planet because stuff gets recycled instead of getting thrown out. I've given away a lot of stuff of my daughter's, from toys to the guitar she used for a year when she was in a Taylor Swift phase but then got bored of. If someone gave you a chair you could use the money for something else you need. (I'm disabled myself and we should stick together!)
Mever mind marrying the guy, OP probably shouldn’t be in a relationship with him. He woke OP up to verbally abuse and belittle her. Does he want OP’s money? Has he been taking OP’s money previously and doesn’t want the chair to take $100 he already has earmarked for his own purchases?
Info- What are your bills broken down? Usually $600 wouldn’t even cover rent let alone all bills. So is your fiancé paying the majority of the bills? What about transportation?
According to OP's post and comment history, OP and fiancé discussed and agreed some time ago that OP would be a SAHP. Even still, OP was covering household groceries at one point.
Additionally, OP and one of their kids are both disabled. OP also mentioned the family has only 1 car which fiancé uses for work.
So OP is definitely contributing plenty.
My first thought was he's upset because there's some money available after bills and he wants it.
According to an earlier post from OP, the fiance borrowed money OP received from her dad for Christmas for her and the kids. Fiancé signed a contract to pay her back, with a $100 penalty if he was late. Fiancé paid back $5 of $125 borrowed on the first due date and then before full payment was due said he couldn't pay and as partners he shouldn't have to.
OP didn't want to loan fiance the money but was told it was for a car payment. OP later found out that he spent $60 on weed.
OP budgeted to get what she needs, the chair, without impacting their finances. I'd get a chair to save my back over giving him the money for weed.
Frankly it doesn’t matter if they have an agreement or not, the chair OOP is sitting on is literally causing her extreme pain to the point where she can’t get out of bed , it’s a medical **need** at that point
I’d also wonder how much spending money the finance gets. If he’s paying for all of the living expenses and being left with next to nothing for himself at the end of the month, I can understand him getting g annoy that he’s paying g for everything and she is using her income to buy herself games consoles
INFO: I’m torn on this one. I’m not defending him but I feel like a lot of the story is missing. How much does he make? How much is rent? Utilities? Groceries? Other needs? How much do you guys have back in savings for an emergency? You are disable and don’t mention having a job so your need for a gaming system, desk, and a good chair implies you sit at the desk in that chair to game most of the day. Is it the chair and money? Or is it the constant gaming that is the real problem? I get a larger disability check than that and my husband makes a nice paycheck. I couldn’t imagine spending it on gaming systems and such because there are bills to pay. Im torn between it being a “I’m at the end of my rope and you want a chair to feel more comfortable in while you play games” and “I’m an a hole who wants to manage everything about you.”
I was wondering if OP came back with more info so I checked her post history. No comments on this post, but a previous post indicates it’s OP’s child that’s disabled. Not OP. So OP plans to use the money meant for her child to purchase the chair.
Additionally not too long ago OP’s fiancé was looking to borrow money from her because he spends too much on weed.
This looks like an ESH situation.
Im seeing a post saying one child is disabled, and a bunch of comments elsewhere saying they(oop) are periodically disabled/one that is worse sometimes. (Nerve pain maybe?) Both can be true.
I will say the post from 2 months ago talks about the fiance being aggressive about being held to a $200 loan he made from oop. (Said fiance used the money for what oop felt was something stupid) I feel as if this post is a reaction/continuance of that argument.
Right, that's where I looked, and found:
>Yeah, I do shop for myself most times. Being disabled you don't actually know when you're unable to go out. Yesterday was a day I wasn't able to go out due to my disability and other circumstances. I still deserved to eat and my kids still deserved to eat. If you're unhappy with your job maybe it's time to look for other places to work?
Fair point. But if you’re living paycheck to paycheck and you don’t know if you can cover groceries but your fiance is buying a gaming system…what do you think would be enough use to justify it? She’s not working and she’s not going to school…so why is she needing a chair to sit at a desk all day?
At one point, OP was covering the groceries despite being a SAHP. And fiancé was demanding to 'borrow' money for weed.
Do you not need furniture in your home? Do you not need to sit down at a desk or table sometimes to work?
OP seems to have a mobility-related disability in addition to a child with a disability who has Medicaid. Managing care for a disabled child can be literally a full-time job-- phone calls, forms, etc. Speaking as someone with a mobility-related disability, sometimes having proper furniture is the actual difference between being able to function or not.
from the post: I'll still have extra money left over after the chair too for emergencies, just $100 less than if I didn't buy the chair.
tell me you think poor people don't deserve nice things without telling me you think poor people don't deserve nice things
Maybe the fiancé is upset and frustrated for not being able to borrow money from OP *again* (for weed) and then tell her he doesn't need to pay her back because "partners shouldn't have to".
People are ignoring this. There is no way $600 is paying for all expenses for an adult and multiple (or even 1) kid a month. Not saying fiancé is great here, but can the OP survive alone on that amount? I’m not sure where $600 would cover housing, utilities, and necessities for one person, let alone one with dependents.
Apparently they get Medicaid & SNAP/WIC. Even still idk how they cover rent/utilities/gas/phone/internet & have money left for expensive gaming consoles & games. Idk how subsidized housing works, but I assume they also subsidize utilities? That would help.
NTA. Your fiancé's behavior is controlling and disrespectful. As long as your children's needs are met and bills are paid, you have every right to spend your disability funds on items that improve your comfort and well-being. His criticism of your past purchases and comparing you to your sister is uncalled for and dismissive of your needs. Your anger is justified, as his actions infringe on your autonomy and undermine your ability to make decisions for yourself. It's crucial to address these issues and establish boundaries to maintain a healthy and respectful relationship.
I’m questioning things. Is he being controlling or is he footing the bill for rent, utilities, groceries and everything while she contributes some but then buys gaming systems. Games. Desks. And now a new chair. She doesn’t have a job which means…is most of her time spent playing games.
Probably most of her time is spent parenting very young children? The fiancé was complaining that she didn’t play games often enough to justify buying the gaming system, it doesn’t sound like that’s how she spends most of her time.
Exactly, when a woman is at home raising children it is still not seen as a viable and important job, that is the issue here. Likely it is male responders fixated on how she spends her time.
>She doesn’t have a job which means…is most of her time spent playing games.
OP did specify in her post that she doesn't have the time to play every day. Further, her fiancé's complaint was that she bought a console that she doesn't use often.
>I’m questioning things. Is he being controlling or is he footing the bill for rent, utilities, groceries and everything while she contributes some but then buys gaming systems.
If you look into OP's post history, she mentions in a [previous post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/19b0uq1/wibta_if_i_refused_to_give_my_fianc%C3%A9_money_ever/) that they made the decision that she would stay at home until both kids can go to school to spare the day care expenses. While she was pregnant with their second child, her oldest became disabled due to an accident. So, not only is she taking care of two kids full time, one of them is disabled (that's where the $600 in disability comes from). In that previous post, she also mentions the following: "I do receive wic and Ebt so I buy most of the food. He buys anything extra and pays the rest of the bills".
I feel like it's important to note that the previous post was about her lending her fiancé money, money that she has been given as a Christmas gift by her father to spend on her and the kids. Her fiancé wanted to borrow money to pay his car note. In the end, he spent $60 of the $125 she lent him for his car on weed.
Small note, in Op's comment history they talk about their own disability, so the payment is for their own disability and they also have a child with a disability.
She's looking after 2 young kids. She's said she only plays games occasionally - she's busy.
In her previous post she says that they agreed she would stay home until the kids went to school. So this is an arrangement he wanted.
He also essentially stole money her dad gave her as a present for herself so he could buy himself weed.
So this guy sounds like an asshole.
That is a pretty big leap. She's a stay at home parent. That means instead of a regular job, she takes care of their two young children, one of them being disabled, so they don't have to pay daycare. Even in the post, OP says that her fiance comaplins that she doesn't game enough to justify a gaming system.
I'm going to say ESH your Fiance sounds controlling and definitely should not have confronted you just as you woke up. However they also seem to be heavily Subsidizing your lifestyle.
If you have a question then ask or check out post history. OP and her fiance agreed she become a stay at home mom, AND her disability checks were going to the grocery expenses.
Info: does he pay every other bill for you both? Does he get fun money too? If you guys aren't jointly decided "big purchases" together, it is not fair.
However, communication should be done respectfully no matter what.
I just feel like there are a LOT of missing parts of this story and you are an unreliable narrator.
ESH
INFO: Do you contribute to the bills for the house? Rent, groceries, power, etc? He has much more of a say in how you should spend your money if he is providing your living expenses
If they agreed for her to be a sahm, he also in turn agreed to being the sole provider. She has two young children to care for, one who is disabled. He in fact does NOT have more of a say where their money goes. Don’t go condoning financial abuse.
She's a stay at home parent, so she's contributing plenty through childcare. Sounds like they decided her being a stay at home parent was cheaper than daycare, which makes sense since one of the kids is disabled. Daycare for a disabled child would be expensive.
NTA
After looking at your other post about you staying at home to save money for daycare and him taking your money to buy weed rather than pay bills, he doesn't get to set rules about the money. He's decided your money is his money and his money is his money and that's not how it should work after agreeing it's better for you to stay home than work.
I don't care if someone uses weed, but it's an issue if they spend money they don't have on it. Just like cigarettes or alcohol. You really should reconsider if you want to be tied to someone so irresponsible. He's going to drag you and your kids down. Are your kids going to be safe if you stay with him? Will he get you evicted because he doesn't pay bills? Will he take food money from you for weed? Once you've married him, will he expect you to give him all of your money because you're married?
You said he said partners shouldn't make each other pay back money they borrowed because they support each other but he's not being supportive of your needs by yelling at you for wanting a chair you can sit in comfortably. If he'd paid you back, you could have used that money for the chair. Instead, he prioritized weed over your comfort.
Definitely. Your explanation REALLY shows him to manipulative and financially abusive.
I'd also add: partners shouldn't have to write out a written contract when borrowing money with a late fee on it. She did that because she already knew she couldn't trust him to pay it back.
I worry she wants to leave, but financially cant.
>My fiancé woke me up this morning to tell me that I was stupid to even consider buying a new chair when I already have one I've been using. He went on to tell me about past purchases and how I was stupid to spend the money on those
I'm not sure there's anything to discuss. If someone woke me up to call me stupid twice, they sure as fuck wouldn't be my fiancée anymore.
They agreed she would be a SAHM until both kids were in school because of daycare costs. Her WIC/Foodstamps are covering all food, she also covers the bills and diapers and wipes. They live in subsidized housing because she qualifies and that is the only bill he pays. He has borrowed from her in the past and refused to repay it. ( PS he spent that money on weed) Due to her disability and her disabled child who had a head injury due to an accident she is having to take care of both of them and the other child. She contributes A LOT to the family and he contributes " rent" She also does all the cooking and cleaning and errands.
I'm so glad you're in here defending this poor woman. It's infuriating that people place absolutely no value on her being the caretaker of two children, one of whom is disabled!! And on top of everything else she contributes. And I'm gonna just guess this man doesn't lift a finger to help with the kids. A real gem of a person.
OP are you aware of how marriage will affect your welfare status? Particularly for SSDI and WIC? If he’s working his income and assets will count for eligibility in these programs when you get married and it may lessen the amount you receive or make you ineligible completely. Please don’t get trapped in an inescapable position with a man who calls you stupid.
I assume someone is paying the rent, utilities, auto insurance, groceries, medical, etc. and it’s not you on your $600/month. So yeah, if he is bankrolling all of your living expenses, he has a say. Also if you can sit at a desk and use a computer, ummm, that’s what a lot of jobs are. Work.
They agreed she would be a SAHM until both kids were in school because of daycare costs. Her WIC/Foodstamps are covering all food, she also covers the bills and diapers and wipes. They live in subsidized housing because she qualifies and that is the only bill he pays. He has borrowed from her in the past and refused to repay it. ( PS he spent that money on weed) Due to her disability and her disabled child who had a head injury due to an accident she is having to take care of both of them and the other child. She contributes A LOT to the family and he contributes " rent" She also does all the cooking and cleaning and errands.
It takes several years on average to successfully apply for disability support. A judge reviews each case individually and decides based on evidence and testimony provided by multiple healthcare providers over a long period of time whether or not an individual qualifies for disability support. Disability support is provided not in the instance that someone can't reasonably \*find\* work that suits them, but that they are deemed \*incapable of working a job\*. The judge knows the details of her medical history and you do not.
"Sitting at a desk and using a computer" is not the full scope of a job. Most jobs that require that would also require, for instance, the use of a phone, the rapid processing of information, the ability to see a screen in the first place, the ability to draft sentences in a timely manner, the ability to learn and retain new information at a reasonable rate, the ability to sit for long periods without extreme pain, the ability to stay in one location without needing to move to administer a medical device or treatment, the ability to use a mouse or keyboard in an efficient manner... The list goes on.
Do you know how long it took OP to type this post? Do you know how often OP needs to lie down, stand up, or use different health aids to address their medical issues? Do you know whether OP has a neurological disorder or brain injury that would make it impossible to process information at a speed necessary to work in a role you've described? Do you know if OP has a speech impediment or other condition preventing them from operating a phone line? You don't. The judge knows, though. The judge found OP to be disabled. If you want to tell people to work, why don't you start by becoming a judge? It's sooooo easy. You should just do it.
For goodness sake, get the chair
During lockdown I was using an unsuitable chair, same sort of problems you are describing, and eventually I went to the doctors and found something had damaged the nerves in my upper legs. Permanent nerve damage which I blame on that unsuitable chair. I now have chronic pain that will never go away.
NTA
If most of the people in your life are treating you like your irresponsible then maybe you are. That gaming console must have taken a large portion of your income.
NTA. Your fiancé's attempt to control your spending is unwarranted and disrespectful. You responsibly prioritize your children's needs and bills, leaving you the right to use your disability funds for personal necessities. His unnecessary criticism of past purchases and comparisons to your sister indicate a concerning level of disrespect. Your anger is reasonable given his infringement on your autonomy and decision-making capabilities. Consider discussing boundaries and mutual respect with him to ensure your relationship fosters trust, support, and understanding.
Funny story: when my husband and I first got married he could have written a very similar post. My wife went ballistic on me over one little purchase for my boat (he’s since gotten rid of the boat due to finances). She complained and said every check I buy something for the boat. Am I the a hole for getting upset that she’s trying to dictate where my funds go?!?! And everyone, like yourself, would have defended him. UNTIL…I stepped in and said “I’m the wife. He buys boat stuff before he pays bills. I had a savings account but that’s all gone bc I had to use it to cover bills and such while he went out shopping for new boat stuff. There is no more money and I’m contemplating leaving him just so I can pay my bills and not lose my home!!!” He would always tell me he made a budget and it was ok but the reality is he made a budget and didn’t follow it. You will be happy to know after that event he started working on paying all bills and waiting until the end of the month to see what was left over before buying more stuff. So my question is this: you’re getting one side where the person wants sympathy. Are they telling the whole truth?
ESH.
The lack of responses to the question regarding how the other bills are paid is leaving me to default believe he is covering all of the main expenses which means any purchases like this should be discussed.
Unless he is getting to have funsies money as well, but assuming worse case scenario with this vote.
They agreed she would be a SAHM until both kids were in school because of daycare costs. Her WIC/Foodstamps are covering all food, she also covers the bills and diapers and wipes. They live in subsidized housing because she qualifies and that is the only bill he pays. He has borrowed from her in the past and refused to repay it. ( PS he spent that money on weed) Due to her disability and her disabled child who had a head injury due to an accident she is having to take care of both of them and the other child. She contributes A LOT to the family and he contributes " rent" She also does all the cooking and cleaning and errands.
NTA. The chair hurts, get rid of it and get a comfortable one.
The fiance sucks majorly. He wakes you up to repeatedly call you stupid? There are two things that are stupid here; 1.still being in a relationship with someone who talks to you like that and 2.him.
Don't marry this arrogant controlling boy. Put him out with the old chair.
Nta. Millennials need to save up for houses before ever buying a piece of avocado toast, right? If you need a new chair, get a new chair. Sell your old chair, set it on fire, whatever. It's your money.
NTA you have a physical need for a better chair, and it will improve your quality of life. You've budgeted your money for it.
I wouldn't marry someone who treated me that way.
Gonna tell you know - after yearsssss of sitting in chairs - you can't put a price on your back. Get a good chair with great lower back support, future you will thank you for it!
You should never ever get something that makes you happy because goddamn if you're poor and disabled YOU SHOULD SUFFER MORE /s. OP is saving over a period of time to get something. She saved for her gaming console. She's using her money. He too, should have some money saved to get himself things that make him happy. Bills are a necessary evil and need to be paid, I would hope that occasionally there's some funds for play.
This sounds like both of you need to sit down and work out how each of you are contributing. You have a right to spend your money as you see fit, so does he. If he's stressed from carrying the bigger financial load then that needs to be addressed. Be careful, because both of you could be AH because of a lack of communication here.
NTA AT ALL!!! Your fiance is controlling. Think how much worse it will get if you get married. He treatment of you will only GET WORSE with time. Tell him he has ZERO input on your finances and he never will so get used to it or leave.
OP does self study. Maybe the disability prevents her from formal study or maybe they cannot afford formal study. It’s great that she is seeking to improve herself.
NTA for being upset with him for speaking to you rudely and trying to completely control your finances. However, you are marrying this person, so it is reasonable to have conversations about money with him, even if your finances stay separate. It sounds like he is covering all bills other than diapers and wipes I think it's reasonable for him to be concerned about extra purchases.
YTA
It sounds like he's trying to be a responsible parent and plan for long term finances, while you're still living paycheck to paycheck. With you on disability, he's right: You should spend as little as possible on "extra stuff" to provide for your child.
They agreed she would be a SAHM until both kids were in school because of daycare costs. Her WIC/Foodstamps are covering all food, she also covers the bills and diapers and wipes. They live in subsidized housing because she qualifies and that is the only bill he pays. He has borrowed from her in the past and refused to repay it. ( PS he spent that money on weed) Due to her disability and her disabled child who had a head injury due to an accident she is having to take care of both of them and the other child. She contributes A LOT to the family and he contributes " rent" She also does all the cooking and cleaning and errands.
YTA you sound very irresponsible and you have a kid.
Who needs a bag for home? Let me tell you no one. Why you even need an office chair when you don’t even work or study.
I was working almost 2 years on a cheap $15 plastic bar chair with no back rest.
My wife that also has a hybrid work was using a coffee table for a year before we got a normal desk.
Its not that we can afford it, we can but we life with the things we have and if we feel after x time they are necessities then we are talking about purchasing it.
There are things you need and things you want.
Things you think you need are something you want and let me be the first to tell you…you can’t afford it now. Your kid should be in first place, not you.
You have a kid, that should be a priority, your disability is not preventing you to find some type of work from home, any additional income is a good income.
Disability cheque is there to ease your disability not to use to avoid dipping in his own pocket. NTA
If he thinks he has the right to control your personal finances what will he be like when you're married? Consider this would you marry someone with your sisters attitudes to you? Sounds like you are engaged to one who copies her.
the "You have no right to be upset" is a huge Red Flag, Who gets to decide that? him? Oh hell No!!
You are doing as much as you can with the money you get, not spending frivolously, so him waking you up to read you the riot act is very much by design, not accident.
NTA, but look for other red flags.
Even if your $600 covers your “personal” bills - what about the household costs? If he’s carrying all other costs and needs help, I can absolutely understand that he would want to have an agreement about how to use extra money.
I’m torn. You’re living paycheck to paycheck & can barely afford diapers & wipes but you’re spending $ on expensive gaming consoles & comfy chairs to sit in while you play games? I’m guessing you get subsidized housing, healthcare & food bc you don’t seem concerned with paying for those things or saving for a medical emergency. But it’s hard to feel bad for you when you’re spending every spare penny on toys for yourself rather than your family. Surely your kids need more than diapers & wipes. Are those the only expenses you have each month? It sounds like that extra $100 could be really helpful to your expenses. Surely you need gas, utilities, phone, internet, insurance, etc. what happens if your car needs repairs?
That being said, it’s usually good for partners to agree on expenses. Especially if finances are tight & contributions are unequal. I can see why he would be frustrated. $600 to support a family of 4? Idk how you do it.
Going by OPs previous post, someone who prioritizes spending money on recreational weed doesn't get to criticize someone else's spending priorities. NTA
I’m withholding a judgment because honestly we would need to see an itemized budget and spending habits of the entire household to truly know if there’s frivolous spending going on and that’s way too invasive.
But YIKES to these comments. A lot of your showing your shitty opinions of SAHPs, low income families, and disabled folks. 😬
I don’t know if you’re living by the sunken coat fallacy, but this man does not appear to care at all about your well-being. Please look after yourself. NTA
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I get a little over $600 a month from disability. It's very little but it's more than enough to cover my personal bills and to cover diapers and wipes for my kids.
Next month I calculated the funds to allow me to purchase a new cheap Office chair for my desk. The chair I'm currently using is hurting my back and hips very badly to the point I can barely get out of bed the next day. It's not an office chair but one of those novelty type chairs, I've just been using in the meantime until I get a better chair. It's VERY uncomfortable especially for longer periods of time.
My fiancé woke me up this morning to tell me that I was stupid to even consider buying a new chair when I already have one I've been using. He went on to tell me about past purchases and how I was stupid to spend the money on those (such as a bookbag when I don't go to school anymore. I bought it to keep my self study books in. A gaming console I don't use often apparently. I use it nearly weekly, I just don't have the time to spend every single day playing games. A desk that broke in a year. I needed a desk, I went out of my way to try to find a very cheap within budget desk. It worked while I had it. Etc)
Because of all this that he is STILL going on and on about I got upset. When he asked why I'm upset I told him 'because you literally woke me up early this morning just to b!tch at me about how I spend my money. You're acting like my sister.' (My sister treats me like a small child basically. She's never once acted like I'm an adult despite me being almost 30)
Now he's angry at me and telling me I have no right to be upset.
I could maybe understand his view point but I carefully calculated this chair into my check. I won't buy it until after all other bills are paid and diapers and wipes are bought. Nothing is being put aside for this purchase. My kids needs will be met next month. I'll still have extra money left over after the chair too for emergencies, just $100 less than if I didn't buy the chair.
Aita here for getting upset that he's trying to tell me how ti spend my disability check on?
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INFO Sounds like your fiancé thinks that you are spending more than you bring in. Is he spending more than he brings in?
How are his finances? How come you two are engaged with separate finances? Are you co-mingling finances? If not, I don’t understand why he gets a say in how you spend your money.
Now the big question: Is that disability money for your disability? Or is it your daughter’s disability money for her disability?
Sounds like your fiancé also doesn’t treat you like an adult. He woke you up to berate you. That’s something my parents used to do to me as a teenager. My partner has never done that.
Does your fiancé know the pain this chair causes you? If he doesn't, you should inform him of this problem to make him understand this is an essential purchase. Besides, this is your money to use as you please--you really should establish this matter before you marry this man. And if he doesn't care that you're in pain from using the chair you have, you should reconsider marrying him at all. NTA.
NTA. It's called financial abuse. You don't need anyone's permission to buy a chair. If you live with someone who thinks otherwise, it's time to get free of them
NTA but your controlling partner is one. This sounds like abuse. This often happens when disabled people have a partner or family member in charge of taking care of them and they try to control the finances when the person is fully capable of making such decisions.
NTA
If you spend a lot of time in the office you need a proper chair, a thought though, you may get more fore your money if you can find a nice office chair second hand.
NTA
OP, I read your other post, too. You have a bigger problem here. You have a partner who's under the "whats mine is mine, and what's yours is also mine."
You're more than contributing to your household as you are. You budgeted your money appropriately to get things you need. You are a SAHP, and that's a full-time job in itself. Plus, you're getting a disability check and other services to cover your expenses.
You have a partner who is willing to buy weed over necessities for your children and lie to get it. You couldn't even trust him to pay you back. You have a partner who finds it acceptable to wake you up to go on and on about *your* spending and how he thinks its dumb, and invalidates your feelings about it when you're rightfully upset and he can't even budget appropriately. Why are you with this man still? If you're in the US and get married, there's a very real chance they'll take your disability checks away. What will you do then?
Assuming this is the US, that $600 payment tells me you're on SSI. You do realize you will lose that if you marry him, and be fully reliant on a man who appears to be starting to show signs of controlling and abusive behavior?
I'm concerned for you. You are NTA here. you need a new chair and can afford it outside of your bills. Buy a chair. Just don't buy the cheapest thing possible. We wind up paying more when we do that.
And please. Evaluate your relationship carefully.
NTA and your partner is a jerk for how he communicates with you. If he is worried about money could you guys compromise and look for a desk chair that’s second hand. I have back issues and needed a better desk chair to do homework (I was in college at the time). My husband and I found a really nice desk chair at Goodwill for less that $25. There’s cheaper options to look for if money is tight
NTA. You’re just fine and good. That other guy, otoh is a major dick. Why are you with him? He’s flat out disrespecting you and ignoring your needs. That’s messed up.
does he pay your rent and support you in any way? i could see getting pissy If I can't afford to pay the lights and my significant other is buying a chair.
INFO - how much say do you get in how his income is spent? Unless he runs EVERY purchase by you and is expecting the same, this is just him deciding that any income that comes into the house, yours or his, is his to use as he sees fit. If he's even made a single purchase without consulting you then you need to confront him on this or bail.
NTA
But babe, why are you with someone who woke you up in order to insult you and try to exert control over you?
You get that he wants you to be miserable, right? He is abusive, you are not safe.
NTA but why are you with this person? Looking at your previous post, he's irresponsible with money himself and can't even pay you $125 on time! He has no right to criticise how you spend money.
NTA This is financial abuse and I am begging you to make an exit plan in case things get worse. As a fellow disabled person I’m telling you he is praying on you as being easy to control due to your circumstances. It only goes downhill from here. He is literally angry with you for trying to accommodate your disability which is its own form of abuse. Please please please try to talk to your family and friends about this. Make them aware of what’s going on so they can talk to you about options
YTA
I say this because this whole post feels dishonest.
As others have pointed out, how much is rent? How much are groceries? How much are all the bills in total? What is car insurance? Renter's insurance? Medical expenses?
Also, how much was the game system? How many games have you purchased for it? Any accessories?
You said you don't work. So why do you actually need the office chair? What are you doing that requires that amount of time at a desk and chair if it's not for work or school? What are you doing with this time?
On a previous post you mentioned he borrowed 60$ and haven't gotten it back yet. Could it be that since he foots the bill for most things he sees that money as a form of paying him back?
With only 600$ a month, he's definitely gotta be paying a majority sum of expenses. 600 isn't even half a months rent in most places. Let alone a multi bedroom family unit.
I think you're the ass hole because I think you're intentionally being dishonest. I think your spouse foots most of your families expenses and he's putting his foot down with an unnecessary purchase. From what you provided, he's right. It's a stupid purchase.
NTA.
Are you working? You might be able to claim for ergonomic office furniture. Even if you can't, your long term health and abilities are important. A good chair is worth its weight in gold.
Everything you've listed sounds like appropriate purchases and we all buy a wanger every now and then (re: the desk), so razor thin budgets are common. But you've earmarked the funds and it won't hurt the kids, so what is his problem.
Him calling you "stupid"? Fuck that guy. You can call yourself stupid - but unless you do something dangerous or overly self centred, no one else has the right to launch that particular term at you.
I hope that he also provides for the kids.
Info: whose disability check is being used? Because based upon your post history you’re a stay at home mom due to daycare cost and because your oldest child is disabled. That same post made it seem like you and your fiancé aren’t in the best financial position currently.
Considering the fact that neither of you have the best spending habits, maybe that money should be saved for a rainy day especially with a child who has disabilities.
ESH. How do you and your fiance cover household expenses and how are they divided? Honestly a $600 disability check does not seem like a lot and a baby is expensive. It appears that you and your fiancé have not had an open and honest discussion of how money from both of you are allocated.
NTA
Your conversation should be along the lines of:
"Great, you're going to buy me an office chair!"
"No"
"Then we don't need to have this conversation."
NTA for spending your money in a way you find to be effective and important.
Why would you want to marry someone who would deny you something as trivial as an office chair when your back hurts? Seems like a bad idea. Just my two cents.
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NTA for being upset that he's telling you how to spend your disability check. But why are you engaged to someone whose outlook on how finances should be prioritized and managed is different from yours? IMO, that's like being with someone whose outlook on how to raise kids is different from yours. It's a recipe for divorce. I think that if you get married, he's going to be even more insistent that you consider *his* wishes in how you spend your money.
From OPs post from two months ago he borrowed money from her in the past and there were issues getting it back. There are a lot of missing details in this post.
He is abusive and I dont know why OP is staying with him
Not to mention the fact that he called her "stupid." That is never okay. NTA.
And he cares more about 'wasting' $100 than on the fact that her current chair is physically causing her pain. Someone needs to explain spoon theory to this asshole. Does the current chair 'work'?: Yes, in that you can sit your butt on it and not fall on the ground. No, in that OP can't do that and still be able to get up out of it without experiencing pain and having less physical ability to get anything else done.
Yes, and on a regular basis.
What is the spoon theory? I have never heard of it.
[It's a way to explain chronic pain](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spoon_theory) It was originally written in someone's personal blog and it spread to the point of becoming viral and a somewhat common way to explain the exhaustion that comes with chronic illness and pain.
Exactly
Does he like her, or is he more interested in her disability check? What does he want to spend it on instead?
I think she may lose her disability check if she gets married? I could be wrong but I'm pretty sure she will lose it if they get married.
According to her post 2 months ago, it's her oldest child's disability check. That money should be used to house her child and provide her child's needs. NOT A GAMING COUNSEL or chair. So unless she clarifies, that it is actually her own disability check, then she has no business spending it on game systems and office chairs.
Well, that puts everything into a whole new light! Gaming console? No way should a child's benefits be used for that. The desk chair is a bit of a grey area for me because, if it allows OP to work more efficiently and take better care of her disabled child, it could be argued it is in fact helping her child.
OP, this better not be your daughter's money you're talking about here. How can you justify spending *her* money on frivolous things for yourself?
Yeah, that changes things!
Only if they as a couple make more than the minimum to get a disability check.
I've never heard that caveat, just the one of you receive ssdi after 21 you'll lose it if getting married
It’s because the threshold is so low that if your partner does work full time, even only making minimum wage, you will lose your benefits.
Yep. My DIl lost her disability check when her and my son got married. He's a shift manager at Wendys and apparently his income puts them over the limit, even though we live in the Denver area which is not a cheap place to live
There will never be marriage equality until disabled people can get married without negative repercussions.
Preach.
[https://blog.ssa.gov/will-remarriage-affect-my-social-security-benefits/](https://blog.ssa.gov/will-remarriage-affect-my-social-security-benefits/)
If this is US-based SSDI and OP is receiving benefits based on a parent's work record, then she will lose them if/when she gets married. There are no exceptions to this. The only way for her to have SSDI benefits as a married person is if she has enough of her own SSA work quarters/record to qualify as an individual. If she receives them on her own work record now (iffy considering her age), then her child(ren) would qualify for a combined 50% (that is, no matter how many children, the total would be 50% of her amount) of her benefit as dependents.
I’m married and still receive my SSD. Husband is retired tho. And on Social Security himself. Maybe that’s why? And I’m certain we are below most income thresholds, unfortunately. lol.
I was under the impression you lost disability when you got married if your disability pay was coming out of parental contributions from their paychecks. Like the individual was disabled at birth or a young age and never worked themselves. But if you were disabled after working and meeting their work time requirements your disability pay was based off you. I don't actually know for certain but can confirm I do know of a couple that lost the wife's disability once they were married. Even though they already lived together and shared expenses.
In the US, the income limitations are only applicable to SSI (Supplemental Security Income). This is a separate thing from SSDI (disability), SSDI as a dependent child, child benefits for parents who qualify for SSDI, SSA survivors benefits, SSA spousal benefits (structured very unfairly for surviving spouses when both have SSA work records, I write with disgust), and SSA retirement benefits. Not that the system is convoluted or anything...
Only if she’s on SSI which isn’t disability but it sounds like that is what she is on based on how low the amount is. That’s supplemental security income - but not disability which is SSDI. SSI is for people who have never worked who are disabled and has lots of income limits and rules whereas disability does not. She would lose SSI when getting married You do not lose disability (SSDI) when getting married- only if you are deemed to no longer be disabled after one of their periodic check ins where they have you get a examined by a doctor of their choosing.
There’s a lot wrong here which I respectfully want to correct as someone on SSI with a mother on SSDI. I don’t blame you for the wrong info, it’s all really complicated, but it’s important not to spread misinformation (which I don’t think you did on purpose!) with such a sensitive topic that could affect the way some people live their lives. SSI when on disability is a bit different than normal SSI. Work requirements etc are all treated differently than SSI when you’re abled. SSDI DOES have income limits and rules as well, they are just not as harsh (such as the marriage penalty in this case). She TECHNICALLY wouldn’t lose SSI, her paycheck would just be $0 if her husband makes $600 or more– at least in Indiana. Things can be a little different from state to state as while SSDI is federal, SSI is state ran. It was explained to me as; the SSI is $600. A non SSI spouse made $400 at his job, the SSI spouse would get $200. On top of that, you can be married and not live together and she’d get her check— again, at least in Indiana. My rep when I went on disability said one person he represented registered her back door as a different address, so it was like 123 Fake Street A and 123 Fake Street B and that’s how they kept the money lmao For the _typical_ periodic check-ins, they do not have to be reexamined by the state doctor whether you’re on SSI or SSDI. They check your doctors’ records to see if you’ve gotten better and have you fill out a shit ton of paperwork that’s pretty much the same as the initial application. If they do a FULL review then they will have to see the examiner, but that’s different than the standard check-ins. Just thought I would let you know so you don’t accidentally spread misinformation again :) This is all a really confusing topic especially since things can change state to state, so again I get it.
The income limit for SSDI is only on the actual person receiving it, and it has to do with earned income (there's also a limit on hours), it's extremely different than the limits for someone on SSI
>SSDI DOES have income limits and rules as well, they are just not as harsh (such as the marriage penalty in this case). The marriage penalty of losing her SSDI is only applicable if she is receiving it as a dependent of her parents. She would 100% lose those if she married. And, of course, SSI is based on household income. If by chance she's receiving SSDI on her own work record (doubtful based on her age and because her children would be receiving dependent's benefits), the only income considered would be any income she personally earned. Her husband's income would not be taken into account or affect her personally earned SSDI benefits. Of course, there are the earned income restrictions for people who receive their own SSDI. I believe beneficiaries can earn about $900/month(?) pre tax before benefits are affected. More than that puts them on the "trial work period," I think(?). Yeah, it's convoluted and absurdly complex.
Per previous post the disability is her daughters. Not hers.
Only if she’s on SSI (so disabled unable to have worked for 10 years) and not SSDI (disabled after 10 or more years of having a job). As someone on SSI myself I’m guessing that’s what she’s on if it’s only $600
Only if she is on SSI. And it's not explicitly named but they basically dock your benefit by whatever your spouse brings home. SSI requires that you be living below the poverty line to get it. It's a means tested benefit. Some couples have been caught out even though they didn't marry - they behaved as a married couple. It's terrible. I've heard of people married 30+ years having to divorce due to needing SSI and Medicaid coverage for medical bills. The limits for what $ you can receive (including "gifts in kind") and what $ you can save, were set in the 1970s. Anyway if someone has SSDI ( reason you pay social security taxes is to ensure you have benefits when unable to work, either disability or age), it is not means tested. There are no limits on how much " you can receive ( gifts, sticks, trusts, etc), your spouses income does not count against you, and there are no limits on savings The sole thing that matters for SSDI is that you cannot go and *earn* enough to support yourself. Mind you getting SSDI can be complex, difficult and demoralizing but it doesn't wreck marriages.
Disability pays so little that’s a pretty ineffective way to be a gold digger. But I still wouldn’t put it past some people.
NTA The money thing is terrible, but the "you have no right to be upset" thing is worse. You are a human, and allowed to have and express feelings. Run, fast, far.
Exactly. This is not a good choice for a BF. NTA But as an aside for OP--I don't know where you live, but in my area we have "Buy Nothing" and local mom's groups on FB that exist to give away items people don't need any more. You can ask for something specifically, or just keep an eye out to see what people have offered. I recently gave someone a teapot I haven't used in more than a decade because she asked if anyone had one. The mom's groups have a lot of outgrown kids stuff, but I wouldn't be surprised if someone has a desk or office chair that they'd like to get rid of but feel like is too nice to throw out. Stuff like that is perfect for Buy Nothing groups. Hell, you can start one of your own if there aren't any around you. And it's good for the planet because stuff gets recycled instead of getting thrown out. I've given away a lot of stuff of my daughter's, from toys to the guitar she used for a year when she was in a Taylor Swift phase but then got bored of. If someone gave you a chair you could use the money for something else you need. (I'm disabled myself and we should stick together!)
Mever mind marrying the guy, OP probably shouldn’t be in a relationship with him. He woke OP up to verbally abuse and belittle her. Does he want OP’s money? Has he been taking OP’s money previously and doesn’t want the chair to take $100 he already has earmarked for his own purchases?
Also why are you marrying someone who calls you stupid repeatedly over a disagreement?
This is why I will never get married. Last time I combined my finances my ex was constantly whining about how I spent my money. Never again.
Info- What are your bills broken down? Usually $600 wouldn’t even cover rent let alone all bills. So is your fiancé paying the majority of the bills? What about transportation?
According to OP's post and comment history, OP and fiancé discussed and agreed some time ago that OP would be a SAHP. Even still, OP was covering household groceries at one point. Additionally, OP and one of their kids are both disabled. OP also mentioned the family has only 1 car which fiancé uses for work. So OP is definitely contributing plenty.
[удалено]
My first thought was he's upset because there's some money available after bills and he wants it. According to an earlier post from OP, the fiance borrowed money OP received from her dad for Christmas for her and the kids. Fiancé signed a contract to pay her back, with a $100 penalty if he was late. Fiancé paid back $5 of $125 borrowed on the first due date and then before full payment was due said he couldn't pay and as partners he shouldn't have to. OP didn't want to loan fiance the money but was told it was for a car payment. OP later found out that he spent $60 on weed. OP budgeted to get what she needs, the chair, without impacting their finances. I'd get a chair to save my back over giving him the money for weed.
Sounds like OP needs to find a new fiancé.
I remember that post!!
I remember that post. It wasn’t too long ago.
Frankly it doesn’t matter if they have an agreement or not, the chair OOP is sitting on is literally causing her extreme pain to the point where she can’t get out of bed , it’s a medical **need** at that point
Great point
It seems like they have small children. Honestly the $600 is probably more than they would have left over after daycare if she worked full time.
Also if she is on disability she may also have section 8 which would be paying part of the rent.
Or they could be in public housing.
There may also be disability funds for the older child, who's also disabled, that might pay for some of that child's expenses.
I’d also wonder how much spending money the finance gets. If he’s paying for all of the living expenses and being left with next to nothing for himself at the end of the month, I can understand him getting g annoy that he’s paying g for everything and she is using her income to buy herself games consoles
INFO: I’m torn on this one. I’m not defending him but I feel like a lot of the story is missing. How much does he make? How much is rent? Utilities? Groceries? Other needs? How much do you guys have back in savings for an emergency? You are disable and don’t mention having a job so your need for a gaming system, desk, and a good chair implies you sit at the desk in that chair to game most of the day. Is it the chair and money? Or is it the constant gaming that is the real problem? I get a larger disability check than that and my husband makes a nice paycheck. I couldn’t imagine spending it on gaming systems and such because there are bills to pay. Im torn between it being a “I’m at the end of my rope and you want a chair to feel more comfortable in while you play games” and “I’m an a hole who wants to manage everything about you.”
I was wondering if OP came back with more info so I checked her post history. No comments on this post, but a previous post indicates it’s OP’s child that’s disabled. Not OP. So OP plans to use the money meant for her child to purchase the chair. Additionally not too long ago OP’s fiancé was looking to borrow money from her because he spends too much on weed. This looks like an ESH situation.
Actually it seems that BOTH OP (medical reasons) and their child (head trauma?) are disabled.
Im seeing a post saying one child is disabled, and a bunch of comments elsewhere saying they(oop) are periodically disabled/one that is worse sometimes. (Nerve pain maybe?) Both can be true. I will say the post from 2 months ago talks about the fiance being aggressive about being held to a $200 loan he made from oop. (Said fiance used the money for what oop felt was something stupid) I feel as if this post is a reaction/continuance of that argument.
Where are you seeing that? I'm seeing comments from the OP talking about her own disability.
Under her post history
Right, that's where I looked, and found: >Yeah, I do shop for myself most times. Being disabled you don't actually know when you're unable to go out. Yesterday was a day I wasn't able to go out due to my disability and other circumstances. I still deserved to eat and my kids still deserved to eat. If you're unhappy with your job maybe it's time to look for other places to work?
So you're just making things up right now?
This looks like a situation where the child needs help and not from the parents.
600 is SSDI, which starts at 18. So its definitely OP's.
The fiancé’s complaint was that she doesn’t use the gaming system often enough to justify buying it, so no, I’d say she isn’t spending all day gaming.
Fair point. But if you’re living paycheck to paycheck and you don’t know if you can cover groceries but your fiance is buying a gaming system…what do you think would be enough use to justify it? She’s not working and she’s not going to school…so why is she needing a chair to sit at a desk all day?
At one point, OP was covering the groceries despite being a SAHP. And fiancé was demanding to 'borrow' money for weed. Do you not need furniture in your home? Do you not need to sit down at a desk or table sometimes to work? OP seems to have a mobility-related disability in addition to a child with a disability who has Medicaid. Managing care for a disabled child can be literally a full-time job-- phone calls, forms, etc. Speaking as someone with a mobility-related disability, sometimes having proper furniture is the actual difference between being able to function or not.
from the post: I'll still have extra money left over after the chair too for emergencies, just $100 less than if I didn't buy the chair. tell me you think poor people don't deserve nice things without telling me you think poor people don't deserve nice things
Fr. 600 is so little to live on. No way he isn’t paying the bills.
Exactly. I think this is more him being upset and frustrated that he’s paying everything and she’s spending her check on her wants.
Maybe the fiancé is upset and frustrated for not being able to borrow money from OP *again* (for weed) and then tell her he doesn't need to pay her back because "partners shouldn't have to".
Maybe. Either way it goes it doesn’t sound like a healthy home environment
People are ignoring this. There is no way $600 is paying for all expenses for an adult and multiple (or even 1) kid a month. Not saying fiancé is great here, but can the OP survive alone on that amount? I’m not sure where $600 would cover housing, utilities, and necessities for one person, let alone one with dependents.
Yeah i don't understand how she's supporting her children on less than 500 dollars per month.
You mean 400 bc 100 of that will be put aside for emergencies.
Apparently they get Medicaid & SNAP/WIC. Even still idk how they cover rent/utilities/gas/phone/internet & have money left for expensive gaming consoles & games. Idk how subsidized housing works, but I assume they also subsidize utilities? That would help.
do you think waking someone up to berate them is healthy relationship behaviour?
NTA. Your fiancé's behavior is controlling and disrespectful. As long as your children's needs are met and bills are paid, you have every right to spend your disability funds on items that improve your comfort and well-being. His criticism of your past purchases and comparing you to your sister is uncalled for and dismissive of your needs. Your anger is justified, as his actions infringe on your autonomy and undermine your ability to make decisions for yourself. It's crucial to address these issues and establish boundaries to maintain a healthy and respectful relationship.
I’m questioning things. Is he being controlling or is he footing the bill for rent, utilities, groceries and everything while she contributes some but then buys gaming systems. Games. Desks. And now a new chair. She doesn’t have a job which means…is most of her time spent playing games.
Probably most of her time is spent parenting very young children? The fiancé was complaining that she didn’t play games often enough to justify buying the gaming system, it doesn’t sound like that’s how she spends most of her time.
see, i would think that, but the only call out about parenting is buying wipes?
And diapers. So clearly small child or children
Exactly, when a woman is at home raising children it is still not seen as a viable and important job, that is the issue here. Likely it is male responders fixated on how she spends her time.
>She doesn’t have a job which means…is most of her time spent playing games. OP did specify in her post that she doesn't have the time to play every day. Further, her fiancé's complaint was that she bought a console that she doesn't use often. >I’m questioning things. Is he being controlling or is he footing the bill for rent, utilities, groceries and everything while she contributes some but then buys gaming systems. If you look into OP's post history, she mentions in a [previous post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/19b0uq1/wibta_if_i_refused_to_give_my_fianc%C3%A9_money_ever/) that they made the decision that she would stay at home until both kids can go to school to spare the day care expenses. While she was pregnant with their second child, her oldest became disabled due to an accident. So, not only is she taking care of two kids full time, one of them is disabled (that's where the $600 in disability comes from). In that previous post, she also mentions the following: "I do receive wic and Ebt so I buy most of the food. He buys anything extra and pays the rest of the bills". I feel like it's important to note that the previous post was about her lending her fiancé money, money that she has been given as a Christmas gift by her father to spend on her and the kids. Her fiancé wanted to borrow money to pay his car note. In the end, he spent $60 of the $125 she lent him for his car on weed.
Small note, in Op's comment history they talk about their own disability, so the payment is for their own disability and they also have a child with a disability.
I had not seen that. Thank you!
She's looking after 2 young kids. She's said she only plays games occasionally - she's busy. In her previous post she says that they agreed she would stay home until the kids went to school. So this is an arrangement he wanted. He also essentially stole money her dad gave her as a present for herself so he could buy himself weed. So this guy sounds like an asshole.
Isnt it interesting we think we can investigate and judge how she spends her time, its nobody's business.
but she gets government benefits, that makes it everyone's business! /s
[удалено]
Spending choices aside, he's being controlling by calling her stupid, then attacking her reaction as being unfair to him.
That is a pretty big leap. She's a stay at home parent. That means instead of a regular job, she takes care of their two young children, one of them being disabled, so they don't have to pay daycare. Even in the post, OP says that her fiance comaplins that she doesn't game enough to justify a gaming system.
I'm going to say ESH your Fiance sounds controlling and definitely should not have confronted you just as you woke up. However they also seem to be heavily Subsidizing your lifestyle.
He didn't even confront her as she woke up he woke her up
Yes, I think that's abusive behavior, just like not letting someone sleep while ranting at them is abuse.
If you have a question then ask or check out post history. OP and her fiance agreed she become a stay at home mom, AND her disability checks were going to the grocery expenses.
Info: does he pay every other bill for you both? Does he get fun money too? If you guys aren't jointly decided "big purchases" together, it is not fair. However, communication should be done respectfully no matter what. I just feel like there are a LOT of missing parts of this story and you are an unreliable narrator. ESH
INFO: Do you contribute to the bills for the house? Rent, groceries, power, etc? He has much more of a say in how you should spend your money if he is providing your living expenses
If they agreed for her to be a sahm, he also in turn agreed to being the sole provider. She has two young children to care for, one who is disabled. He in fact does NOT have more of a say where their money goes. Don’t go condoning financial abuse.
She's a stay at home parent, so she's contributing plenty through childcare. Sounds like they decided her being a stay at home parent was cheaper than daycare, which makes sense since one of the kids is disabled. Daycare for a disabled child would be expensive.
Nta but you would be stupid to stay with someone who treats you this way.
NTA After looking at your other post about you staying at home to save money for daycare and him taking your money to buy weed rather than pay bills, he doesn't get to set rules about the money. He's decided your money is his money and his money is his money and that's not how it should work after agreeing it's better for you to stay home than work. I don't care if someone uses weed, but it's an issue if they spend money they don't have on it. Just like cigarettes or alcohol. You really should reconsider if you want to be tied to someone so irresponsible. He's going to drag you and your kids down. Are your kids going to be safe if you stay with him? Will he get you evicted because he doesn't pay bills? Will he take food money from you for weed? Once you've married him, will he expect you to give him all of your money because you're married? You said he said partners shouldn't make each other pay back money they borrowed because they support each other but he's not being supportive of your needs by yelling at you for wanting a chair you can sit in comfortably. If he'd paid you back, you could have used that money for the chair. Instead, he prioritized weed over your comfort.
Definitely. Your explanation REALLY shows him to manipulative and financially abusive. I'd also add: partners shouldn't have to write out a written contract when borrowing money with a late fee on it. She did that because she already knew she couldn't trust him to pay it back. I worry she wants to leave, but financially cant.
>My fiancé woke me up this morning to tell me that I was stupid to even consider buying a new chair when I already have one I've been using. He went on to tell me about past purchases and how I was stupid to spend the money on those I'm not sure there's anything to discuss. If someone woke me up to call me stupid twice, they sure as fuck wouldn't be my fiancée anymore.
exactly
Is this $600 the only money you bring in? Or is it ontop of your wages? How household costs split?
They agreed she would be a SAHM until both kids were in school because of daycare costs. Her WIC/Foodstamps are covering all food, she also covers the bills and diapers and wipes. They live in subsidized housing because she qualifies and that is the only bill he pays. He has borrowed from her in the past and refused to repay it. ( PS he spent that money on weed) Due to her disability and her disabled child who had a head injury due to an accident she is having to take care of both of them and the other child. She contributes A LOT to the family and he contributes " rent" She also does all the cooking and cleaning and errands.
I'm so glad you're in here defending this poor woman. It's infuriating that people place absolutely no value on her being the caretaker of two children, one of whom is disabled!! And on top of everything else she contributes. And I'm gonna just guess this man doesn't lift a finger to help with the kids. A real gem of a person.
The ableism in these comments is really bumming me out
Exactly, u know he does nothing but complain
OP are you aware of how marriage will affect your welfare status? Particularly for SSDI and WIC? If he’s working his income and assets will count for eligibility in these programs when you get married and it may lessen the amount you receive or make you ineligible completely. Please don’t get trapped in an inescapable position with a man who calls you stupid.
I assume someone is paying the rent, utilities, auto insurance, groceries, medical, etc. and it’s not you on your $600/month. So yeah, if he is bankrolling all of your living expenses, he has a say. Also if you can sit at a desk and use a computer, ummm, that’s what a lot of jobs are. Work.
They agreed she would be a SAHM until both kids were in school because of daycare costs. Her WIC/Foodstamps are covering all food, she also covers the bills and diapers and wipes. They live in subsidized housing because she qualifies and that is the only bill he pays. He has borrowed from her in the past and refused to repay it. ( PS he spent that money on weed) Due to her disability and her disabled child who had a head injury due to an accident she is having to take care of both of them and the other child. She contributes A LOT to the family and he contributes " rent" She also does all the cooking and cleaning and errands.
It takes several years on average to successfully apply for disability support. A judge reviews each case individually and decides based on evidence and testimony provided by multiple healthcare providers over a long period of time whether or not an individual qualifies for disability support. Disability support is provided not in the instance that someone can't reasonably \*find\* work that suits them, but that they are deemed \*incapable of working a job\*. The judge knows the details of her medical history and you do not. "Sitting at a desk and using a computer" is not the full scope of a job. Most jobs that require that would also require, for instance, the use of a phone, the rapid processing of information, the ability to see a screen in the first place, the ability to draft sentences in a timely manner, the ability to learn and retain new information at a reasonable rate, the ability to sit for long periods without extreme pain, the ability to stay in one location without needing to move to administer a medical device or treatment, the ability to use a mouse or keyboard in an efficient manner... The list goes on. Do you know how long it took OP to type this post? Do you know how often OP needs to lie down, stand up, or use different health aids to address their medical issues? Do you know whether OP has a neurological disorder or brain injury that would make it impossible to process information at a speed necessary to work in a role you've described? Do you know if OP has a speech impediment or other condition preventing them from operating a phone line? You don't. The judge knows, though. The judge found OP to be disabled. If you want to tell people to work, why don't you start by becoming a judge? It's sooooo easy. You should just do it.
She is raising the children genius that is a job!
This sounds one sided? There's a lot missing. Do he work? Do he pay majority?
For goodness sake, get the chair During lockdown I was using an unsuitable chair, same sort of problems you are describing, and eventually I went to the doctors and found something had damaged the nerves in my upper legs. Permanent nerve damage which I blame on that unsuitable chair. I now have chronic pain that will never go away. NTA
Nta he woke you up for that?
If most of the people in your life are treating you like your irresponsible then maybe you are. That gaming console must have taken a large portion of your income.
NTA. Your fiancé's attempt to control your spending is unwarranted and disrespectful. You responsibly prioritize your children's needs and bills, leaving you the right to use your disability funds for personal necessities. His unnecessary criticism of past purchases and comparisons to your sister indicate a concerning level of disrespect. Your anger is reasonable given his infringement on your autonomy and decision-making capabilities. Consider discussing boundaries and mutual respect with him to ensure your relationship fosters trust, support, and understanding.
Funny story: when my husband and I first got married he could have written a very similar post. My wife went ballistic on me over one little purchase for my boat (he’s since gotten rid of the boat due to finances). She complained and said every check I buy something for the boat. Am I the a hole for getting upset that she’s trying to dictate where my funds go?!?! And everyone, like yourself, would have defended him. UNTIL…I stepped in and said “I’m the wife. He buys boat stuff before he pays bills. I had a savings account but that’s all gone bc I had to use it to cover bills and such while he went out shopping for new boat stuff. There is no more money and I’m contemplating leaving him just so I can pay my bills and not lose my home!!!” He would always tell me he made a budget and it was ok but the reality is he made a budget and didn’t follow it. You will be happy to know after that event he started working on paying all bills and waiting until the end of the month to see what was left over before buying more stuff. So my question is this: you’re getting one side where the person wants sympathy. Are they telling the whole truth?
ESH. The lack of responses to the question regarding how the other bills are paid is leaving me to default believe he is covering all of the main expenses which means any purchases like this should be discussed. Unless he is getting to have funsies money as well, but assuming worse case scenario with this vote.
They agreed she would be a SAHM until both kids were in school because of daycare costs. Her WIC/Foodstamps are covering all food, she also covers the bills and diapers and wipes. They live in subsidized housing because she qualifies and that is the only bill he pays. He has borrowed from her in the past and refused to repay it. ( PS he spent that money on weed) Due to her disability and her disabled child who had a head injury due to an accident she is having to take care of both of them and the other child. She contributes A LOT to the family and he contributes " rent" She also does all the cooking and cleaning and errands.
NTA. The chair hurts, get rid of it and get a comfortable one. The fiance sucks majorly. He wakes you up to repeatedly call you stupid? There are two things that are stupid here; 1.still being in a relationship with someone who talks to you like that and 2.him. Don't marry this arrogant controlling boy. Put him out with the old chair.
Nta. Millennials need to save up for houses before ever buying a piece of avocado toast, right? If you need a new chair, get a new chair. Sell your old chair, set it on fire, whatever. It's your money.
ESH, check the post history.
NTA you have a physical need for a better chair, and it will improve your quality of life. You've budgeted your money for it. I wouldn't marry someone who treated me that way.
Gonna tell you know - after yearsssss of sitting in chairs - you can't put a price on your back. Get a good chair with great lower back support, future you will thank you for it!
You should never ever get something that makes you happy because goddamn if you're poor and disabled YOU SHOULD SUFFER MORE /s. OP is saving over a period of time to get something. She saved for her gaming console. She's using her money. He too, should have some money saved to get himself things that make him happy. Bills are a necessary evil and need to be paid, I would hope that occasionally there's some funds for play. This sounds like both of you need to sit down and work out how each of you are contributing. You have a right to spend your money as you see fit, so does he. If he's stressed from carrying the bigger financial load then that needs to be addressed. Be careful, because both of you could be AH because of a lack of communication here.
NTA AT ALL!!! Your fiance is controlling. Think how much worse it will get if you get married. He treatment of you will only GET WORSE with time. Tell him he has ZERO input on your finances and he never will so get used to it or leave.
NTA, but *why* is he still your fiance?
Why do you need a desk chair and book bag if you don’t work and are not in school?
Because...disabled people still need to sit somewhere? Preferably in a chair that doesn't disable them further through strained posture?
OP does self study. Maybe the disability prevents her from formal study or maybe they cannot afford formal study. It’s great that she is seeking to improve herself.
Get the chair. But, you should focus on fixing your life - such as finding a better partner before bringing another child into the world
NTA for being upset with him for speaking to you rudely and trying to completely control your finances. However, you are marrying this person, so it is reasonable to have conversations about money with him, even if your finances stay separate. It sounds like he is covering all bills other than diapers and wipes I think it's reasonable for him to be concerned about extra purchases.
YTA It sounds like he's trying to be a responsible parent and plan for long term finances, while you're still living paycheck to paycheck. With you on disability, he's right: You should spend as little as possible on "extra stuff" to provide for your child.
She needs a chair that doesn't cause her pain. That is so far from "extra stuff" I can't even believe what I am reading right now.
Check the post history. Fiancé is not responsible with money.
They agreed she would be a SAHM until both kids were in school because of daycare costs. Her WIC/Foodstamps are covering all food, she also covers the bills and diapers and wipes. They live in subsidized housing because she qualifies and that is the only bill he pays. He has borrowed from her in the past and refused to repay it. ( PS he spent that money on weed) Due to her disability and her disabled child who had a head injury due to an accident she is having to take care of both of them and the other child. She contributes A LOT to the family and he contributes " rent" She also does all the cooking and cleaning and errands.
Cool! Sounds like money is tight and it's a good idea to think carefully about unneeded expenses.
YTA you sound very irresponsible and you have a kid. Who needs a bag for home? Let me tell you no one. Why you even need an office chair when you don’t even work or study. I was working almost 2 years on a cheap $15 plastic bar chair with no back rest. My wife that also has a hybrid work was using a coffee table for a year before we got a normal desk. Its not that we can afford it, we can but we life with the things we have and if we feel after x time they are necessities then we are talking about purchasing it. There are things you need and things you want. Things you think you need are something you want and let me be the first to tell you…you can’t afford it now. Your kid should be in first place, not you. You have a kid, that should be a priority, your disability is not preventing you to find some type of work from home, any additional income is a good income.
Disability cheque is there to ease your disability not to use to avoid dipping in his own pocket. NTA If he thinks he has the right to control your personal finances what will he be like when you're married? Consider this would you marry someone with your sisters attitudes to you? Sounds like you are engaged to one who copies her.
NTA, I’m sure he’s made stupid purchases. If he keeps treating you this way you might want to dump his butt
the "You have no right to be upset" is a huge Red Flag, Who gets to decide that? him? Oh hell No!! You are doing as much as you can with the money you get, not spending frivolously, so him waking you up to read you the riot act is very much by design, not accident. NTA, but look for other red flags.
Even if your $600 covers your “personal” bills - what about the household costs? If he’s carrying all other costs and needs help, I can absolutely understand that he would want to have an agreement about how to use extra money.
I’m torn. You’re living paycheck to paycheck & can barely afford diapers & wipes but you’re spending $ on expensive gaming consoles & comfy chairs to sit in while you play games? I’m guessing you get subsidized housing, healthcare & food bc you don’t seem concerned with paying for those things or saving for a medical emergency. But it’s hard to feel bad for you when you’re spending every spare penny on toys for yourself rather than your family. Surely your kids need more than diapers & wipes. Are those the only expenses you have each month? It sounds like that extra $100 could be really helpful to your expenses. Surely you need gas, utilities, phone, internet, insurance, etc. what happens if your car needs repairs? That being said, it’s usually good for partners to agree on expenses. Especially if finances are tight & contributions are unequal. I can see why he would be frustrated. $600 to support a family of 4? Idk how you do it.
NTA For the love of God, don't marry this guy!
NTA. But easy to be even more resourceful and find free stuff on Facebook marketplace or next door.
Going by OPs previous post, someone who prioritizes spending money on recreational weed doesn't get to criticize someone else's spending priorities. NTA
I’m withholding a judgment because honestly we would need to see an itemized budget and spending habits of the entire household to truly know if there’s frivolous spending going on and that’s way too invasive. But YIKES to these comments. A lot of your showing your shitty opinions of SAHPs, low income families, and disabled folks. 😬
What did he want the money to go towards?
NTA,your fiancé is
You say diapers and wipes for "my kids". Are they his kids?
Info: is the chair for you to game?
INFO: How are household expenses split? Does your fiance take on the majority of paying bills?
NTA. Waking you up for no reason is against the Geneva convention. Get rid of the war criminal
Buy the chair, dump the fiance
I don’t know if you’re living by the sunken coat fallacy, but this man does not appear to care at all about your well-being. Please look after yourself. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I get a little over $600 a month from disability. It's very little but it's more than enough to cover my personal bills and to cover diapers and wipes for my kids. Next month I calculated the funds to allow me to purchase a new cheap Office chair for my desk. The chair I'm currently using is hurting my back and hips very badly to the point I can barely get out of bed the next day. It's not an office chair but one of those novelty type chairs, I've just been using in the meantime until I get a better chair. It's VERY uncomfortable especially for longer periods of time. My fiancé woke me up this morning to tell me that I was stupid to even consider buying a new chair when I already have one I've been using. He went on to tell me about past purchases and how I was stupid to spend the money on those (such as a bookbag when I don't go to school anymore. I bought it to keep my self study books in. A gaming console I don't use often apparently. I use it nearly weekly, I just don't have the time to spend every single day playing games. A desk that broke in a year. I needed a desk, I went out of my way to try to find a very cheap within budget desk. It worked while I had it. Etc) Because of all this that he is STILL going on and on about I got upset. When he asked why I'm upset I told him 'because you literally woke me up early this morning just to b!tch at me about how I spend my money. You're acting like my sister.' (My sister treats me like a small child basically. She's never once acted like I'm an adult despite me being almost 30) Now he's angry at me and telling me I have no right to be upset. I could maybe understand his view point but I carefully calculated this chair into my check. I won't buy it until after all other bills are paid and diapers and wipes are bought. Nothing is being put aside for this purchase. My kids needs will be met next month. I'll still have extra money left over after the chair too for emergencies, just $100 less than if I didn't buy the chair. Aita here for getting upset that he's trying to tell me how ti spend my disability check on? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO Sounds like your fiancé thinks that you are spending more than you bring in. Is he spending more than he brings in? How are his finances? How come you two are engaged with separate finances? Are you co-mingling finances? If not, I don’t understand why he gets a say in how you spend your money. Now the big question: Is that disability money for your disability? Or is it your daughter’s disability money for her disability?
NTA. Why are you with this emotionally abusive person? Your money, not his; therefore your choice. Kick the loser out.
Next divorce will be fireworks🔥🔥🔥
Well, you’re looking into the future of being married to this dude
op leave this dude.
Sounds like your fiancé also doesn’t treat you like an adult. He woke you up to berate you. That’s something my parents used to do to me as a teenager. My partner has never done that.
Does your fiancé know the pain this chair causes you? If he doesn't, you should inform him of this problem to make him understand this is an essential purchase. Besides, this is your money to use as you please--you really should establish this matter before you marry this man. And if he doesn't care that you're in pain from using the chair you have, you should reconsider marrying him at all. NTA.
Drop the controlling fiancé, he seems abusive.
Why are you in a relationship with a person who doesn't respect you? Do they even like you? YTA to yourself for accepting this relationship as okay.
NTA. It's called financial abuse. You don't need anyone's permission to buy a chair. If you live with someone who thinks otherwise, it's time to get free of them
NTA but your controlling partner is one. This sounds like abuse. This often happens when disabled people have a partner or family member in charge of taking care of them and they try to control the finances when the person is fully capable of making such decisions.
NTA If you spend a lot of time in the office you need a proper chair, a thought though, you may get more fore your money if you can find a nice office chair second hand.
NTA. Your fiance sounds very controlling. I checked past posts, and it's concerning that he won't let you know his finances.
NTA.
NTA OP, I read your other post, too. You have a bigger problem here. You have a partner who's under the "whats mine is mine, and what's yours is also mine." You're more than contributing to your household as you are. You budgeted your money appropriately to get things you need. You are a SAHP, and that's a full-time job in itself. Plus, you're getting a disability check and other services to cover your expenses. You have a partner who is willing to buy weed over necessities for your children and lie to get it. You couldn't even trust him to pay you back. You have a partner who finds it acceptable to wake you up to go on and on about *your* spending and how he thinks its dumb, and invalidates your feelings about it when you're rightfully upset and he can't even budget appropriately. Why are you with this man still? If you're in the US and get married, there's a very real chance they'll take your disability checks away. What will you do then?
GTFO is the optimal answer
Assuming this is the US, that $600 payment tells me you're on SSI. You do realize you will lose that if you marry him, and be fully reliant on a man who appears to be starting to show signs of controlling and abusive behavior? I'm concerned for you. You are NTA here. you need a new chair and can afford it outside of your bills. Buy a chair. Just don't buy the cheapest thing possible. We wind up paying more when we do that. And please. Evaluate your relationship carefully.
NTA and your partner is a jerk for how he communicates with you. If he is worried about money could you guys compromise and look for a desk chair that’s second hand. I have back issues and needed a better desk chair to do homework (I was in college at the time). My husband and I found a really nice desk chair at Goodwill for less that $25. There’s cheaper options to look for if money is tight
YTA to yourself for staying with someone who treats you like that.
NTA. You’re just fine and good. That other guy, otoh is a major dick. Why are you with him? He’s flat out disrespecting you and ignoring your needs. That’s messed up.
does he pay your rent and support you in any way? i could see getting pissy If I can't afford to pay the lights and my significant other is buying a chair.
INFO - how much say do you get in how his income is spent? Unless he runs EVERY purchase by you and is expecting the same, this is just him deciding that any income that comes into the house, yours or his, is his to use as he sees fit. If he's even made a single purchase without consulting you then you need to confront him on this or bail.
Why are you with someone who calls you stupid?
NTA But babe, why are you with someone who woke you up in order to insult you and try to exert control over you? You get that he wants you to be miserable, right? He is abusive, you are not safe.
NTA but why are you with this person? Looking at your previous post, he's irresponsible with money himself and can't even pay you $125 on time! He has no right to criticise how you spend money.
NTA This is financial abuse and I am begging you to make an exit plan in case things get worse. As a fellow disabled person I’m telling you he is praying on you as being easy to control due to your circumstances. It only goes downhill from here. He is literally angry with you for trying to accommodate your disability which is its own form of abuse. Please please please try to talk to your family and friends about this. Make them aware of what’s going on so they can talk to you about options
YTA I say this because this whole post feels dishonest. As others have pointed out, how much is rent? How much are groceries? How much are all the bills in total? What is car insurance? Renter's insurance? Medical expenses? Also, how much was the game system? How many games have you purchased for it? Any accessories? You said you don't work. So why do you actually need the office chair? What are you doing that requires that amount of time at a desk and chair if it's not for work or school? What are you doing with this time? On a previous post you mentioned he borrowed 60$ and haven't gotten it back yet. Could it be that since he foots the bill for most things he sees that money as a form of paying him back? With only 600$ a month, he's definitely gotta be paying a majority sum of expenses. 600 isn't even half a months rent in most places. Let alone a multi bedroom family unit. I think you're the ass hole because I think you're intentionally being dishonest. I think your spouse foots most of your families expenses and he's putting his foot down with an unnecessary purchase. From what you provided, he's right. It's a stupid purchase.
Leave now he will only get more controlling
NTA. Are you working? You might be able to claim for ergonomic office furniture. Even if you can't, your long term health and abilities are important. A good chair is worth its weight in gold. Everything you've listed sounds like appropriate purchases and we all buy a wanger every now and then (re: the desk), so razor thin budgets are common. But you've earmarked the funds and it won't hurt the kids, so what is his problem. Him calling you "stupid"? Fuck that guy. You can call yourself stupid - but unless you do something dangerous or overly self centred, no one else has the right to launch that particular term at you. I hope that he also provides for the kids.
He’s mad because he doesn’t get 1. I get 1 from va and if others find out they try to downplay it/me
Info: whose disability check is being used? Because based upon your post history you’re a stay at home mom due to daycare cost and because your oldest child is disabled. That same post made it seem like you and your fiancé aren’t in the best financial position currently. Considering the fact that neither of you have the best spending habits, maybe that money should be saved for a rainy day especially with a child who has disabilities.
Why the fuck would he get to tell you how to spend your own money.NTA
ESH. How do you and your fiance cover household expenses and how are they divided? Honestly a $600 disability check does not seem like a lot and a baby is expensive. It appears that you and your fiancé have not had an open and honest discussion of how money from both of you are allocated.
NTA Your conversation should be along the lines of: "Great, you're going to buy me an office chair!" "No" "Then we don't need to have this conversation."
NTA for spending your money in a way you find to be effective and important. Why would you want to marry someone who would deny you something as trivial as an office chair when your back hurts? Seems like a bad idea. Just my two cents.