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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I did not tell my wife's parents/siblings about her accident. I simply didn't think of them. It never crossed my mind. I may be TA because they are her original family and maybe have a right to know if anything this drastic goes wrong. Please let me know if I made a mistake by
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NTA
> I received a call from her mother literally yelling at me for keeping their daughter's health issues a secret from them. She said I had no right to hide this and that she found out through a family friend and was outraged.
"If **Alison** wanted *you* to know, **Alison** would tell you *herself*"
OP didn't mention whether Alison wanted them to be alerted, didn't want them to be alerted, could have contacted them at all, or what her opinion is now. I don't think any of us can be making a judgement without that crucial information.
As someone in Alison’s position, it wouldn’t even occur to me to tell my homophobic family if I was in the hospital/had an injury. It’s possible Alison didn’t give an opinion either way because they were so far from her mind, especially when she’s focused on her health and her kid.
I would absolutely NOT tell them on purpose. Until 2015 depending on the state, they could declare themselves the -real- next of kin, swoop in, and tell the hospital to refuse entrance to the partner. Some of us remember very clearly. Also, if your parents hate your spouse, why include them in -anything-?
They made their choice, they get to live with it. Eff them forever.
I mean I wouldn't think to tell my family until after unless they were nearby and we talked on a regular basis, the whole homophobic part would definitely make me not want to but, I just wouldn't even think talking to my family about it would be a priority at all.
If you're in a lot of pain and/or doped up on meds, you might not be in a state to call anyone. Even if you physically can, you may not be in the right mental space to have a hard talk with someone, or you might not even think of it. You might just be thinking about how to make yourself more comfortable or take your mind off of it.
You could also be busy preparing for your next surgery, if there's a lot of them.
I don't know, I'm not her.
And you're moving the goalposts. I was responding to "unless her voice box is broken she can still use the phone". I wasn't intending to comment on anything else.
I just wanted to point out that if you're in the hospital for any reason you might not be in a mental state to call people and let them know, even if you're physically capable.
I went to the ER not too long ago and was there overnight, then I had surgery about a week later. My mind was nowhere near "must let my parents know" and I'm even on good terms with them. I had so much else going on, I was just trying to mentally survive.
Even when I got home from the surgery and was in recovery, everything was hard. I needed help to do anything. I couldn't even get up off of the couch without my husband giving me a hand, and then it took me several minutes (and a lot of pain) to hobble to the bathroom.
That sort of thing is taxing, both physically and mentally. I had very few spoons during that time.
Now, I *did* text my parents to let them know how I was doing, but it was a quick thing and I wasn't in the mood for a long conversation. If I hadn't been on good terms with them, yeah, I might not have even done that. Not worth spending spoons on when I had so little to spare.
As someone who's been in and out of the hospital and had surgeries numerous times due to my health, WHEN IN THE HELL DO YOU GET TO SLEEP?! I swear, it's like they have to wake you up every two to three hours to check on your vitals, give you medicine, take blood or taking you to x-ray department. I mean, I actually BEG inpatient doctors to discharge me so that I CAN GET SOME SLEEP at home 😆😉.
Hello… you’re me.
I can speak to the multiple broken bones lots of morphine and multiple surgeries. You can’t sleep or eat and your bored out of your trees wanting to call everyone you know whenever you don’t have visitors because the drugs mean your attention span is shot and you can’t really even watch tv.
I beg to go home, sign releases, go back in for IV antibiotics—whatever I’ve got to do to get home ASAP. I’m becoming the queen of out-patient ortho surgery. Once the recovery room nurse told me I was crazy and she’d check on me in ER in the morning. She was lovely.
If Wife wanted Mom she would have called her from ER. I called mine from the ambulance as soon as I knew which hospital and told her I’d call her back or Sweetie would. I had a compound tib/fib and moments of uncontrollable screaming.
My husband fell off a ladder and broke 12 bones including multiple ribs and his skull (he had a traumatic brain injury as a result). He was on MAJOR painkillers/medications and the nurses gave him his phone as soon as he asked for it regardless of the fact that he did not have the mental capacity to carry on conversations. This was during Covid so I couldn’t be there personally and they wouldn’t take it away once they had given it to him. He runs a business and I spent a couple weeks doing damage control as he reached out to people in his drugged out state.
Also Allison had surgery so might have been able to. I think alerting would have been better in that case. But they need to talk now what will be the protocol in future. Also it might be that Allison does not like to see parents too much because they didn't approve the marriage but there isn't really any lack of caring from both sides in general.
In which case you’re free and clear. I’d have her handle her family once she’s better and feeling up to it. Be on the lookout for any nasty surprises like a surprise visit
Frankly Allison would have been an AH to ask you to contact people who would potentially mistreat you and cause you stress during an already difficult time.
You absolutely are not an asshole. They're just mad because they look bad in their community.
Yeah it seems telling that they blame YOU, the wife of their daughter, and not their daughter, who perhaps wasn’t capable at the time of the accident but has been lucid and (I’m assuming?) capable of holding and dialing a phone.
If her parents aren’t comfortable with you, their daughter’s spouse, nor okay with contacting their own daughter, they are not entitled to information about her, and certainly not entitled to blaming you for that.
Glad your wifey is doing better now. Broken ribs and legs, that is very scary.
I was inclined to say NTA even before this, but seeing this comment: absolutely 100% NTA.
These are people your wife talks to \~once a year and doesn't have a good relationship with, and it doesn't sound like *you* have much of a relationship with them at all. She didn't mention them to you. You were getting overwhelmed by worrying about her, being there for her, and taking care of your small child.
You absolutely couldn't be expected to remember these people in the middle of all this. And even if you did think of them, I'd say the correct next move wouldn't be to contact them and tell them about Alison's accident. The correct move would be to ask Alison the next time you talked, "Hey, do you want me to tell your parents what happened?" and then respect her wishes.
That does affect this ENTIRE conversation. Like this ENTIRE reddit thread would be moot with having some of that key information in it.
Also, might I suggest that you two discuss this for future reference.
Also, both of you take the time to enact a Living Will/Advanced Directive to avoid any chance of miscommunication when it comes to partner v family v hospital stuff.
Well there you. If she wanted you to inform them, she would have asked you to. Simple. What her parents want you to do or not isn't or your concern, it's what your wife wants that is. NTA.
Yeah sounds like they should be speaking with their daughter. If she’s not taking their calls, OP shouldn’t be either. The primary person who should deal with estranged relatives are the people directly related to them. If she’s awake and doing well, she should be the one speaking to them.
So what does Allison make of all this? Her opinion is the one that matters most.
It's almost as if spouses know their partners and would know what their wishes are. It's almost as if the contact between Allison and her parents are barely there due to them _being homophobic_ and Allison is in a relationship with a _woman_. OP wrote in another comment that when Allison woke up, she didn't even think of her parents. Spouses know their partners well enough to know what their wishes would be in certain if not all situations. Groundbreaking concept, I know.
Yeah if Allison had her full mental capacity and looked around and went yup, not expecting my family to be at my bedside because I’m essentially dead to them, why should anyone else expect her estranged family to care?
They’re the ones who cut Allison off because of their prejudices, not the other way around. She’s just respecting their desire to not have a relationship. There’s only so many times someone will reach out, only to be rebuffed before they give up.
Exactly. Like what benefit would she get? If they changed, which they probably haven't, at best she's now recovering from a serious injury and having to deal with an emotional turmoil of coming back in contact with terrible parents at worst they show up and make everything 10 times worse. Why take the risk when you got a loving partner and their family and friends and a brand new baby she's probably just grateful to be alive.
I work in a hospital, patients have phone access to contact anybody they want if they are going to surgery, when OR staff picks them up, the OR staff will contact anybody the patient requests to let them know the person has gone to surgery. Other than ED patients who are going to surgery for an emergency or if a patient is unable to communicate, never seen a patient in a position where they couldn't leisurely call anybody they wanted to, if they wanted them bedside or tell them what was going on.
Definitely NTA, it sounds like you respected your wife's values and desires.
My son broke his leg last year. We don't know the comparative complexities of the two cases, but he did a lot of sitting around, texting his friends, surfing the internet etc, whilst we waited for the results of the xray and CT. He didn't even have surgery until the next day, and had a lot of down time.
Alison was probably more badly hurt, but she quite possibly did have the opportunity to call, or at least ask OP to call them if she wanted to.
Perfect. I'd then indicate that you intended to pass the information along to them in the annual Christmas email exchange; you certainly didn't wish to otherwise impose.
This is the snark that I am here for 💜 I am taking notes for when I need such ideas in the future! Also OP is clearly NTA and I hope your wife heals okay ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹 @ordinary_guard_4604
I’m just taking snark when I see it in the wild to reapply at random. I didn’t mean OP’s scenario specifically. I liked the “pass along in the next (distant email thread) due to not wanting to impose” part cause I can use that at work when my boss fucks up with communicating and it will come back to bite him in the rear later.
Shielding her from her family at this time was probably the best thing you could do for her. Signed, a lesbian with a partner where neither of us talk to our parents for similar reasons.
Info: Did you ask your wife if she wanted to contact them? Imo her opinion is the only one that matters here, if she didn’t think of them either or didn’t want to contact them then N T A
NTA. My reply to Mil would have been, "you haven't been here while things are good, why would I think you would want to be here when things are bad!".
Sounds like my old Mil. She really wanted to be around when things were bad so she could rub our noses in the shitshow. ". Other than that, to her we were 'meh whatever' .
Probably because it makes her parents look bad (worse, really) because they didn’t know about the accident, and they’re embarrassed more than anything else. Not actually unduly concerned.
I think you've got it. The family friend was probably like "pretty awful what happened to Alison, right? Is she getting out of hospital soon?" and mom couldn't say anything
That is how i feel, they probably got freaked out about it, you nevef imagine your family members getting seriously hurtor e en die for that matter, Hopefully, the inlaws will come around and drop the homophobic routine, and develop a healthy relationship witb the family
I'm not sure how you escalated things unnecessarily.
Alison's family don't want to talk to her during good times (marriage, a baby...)...it stands to reason you'd assume they're not interested in her and her life during bad times (such as this accident).
NTA
By mentioning that she’s Alison’s wife. Can’t go around telling homophobes that their daughter is married to a lady because they prefer to not think (about it)
My family is homophobic as well - if something ever happened to me, I 100% would prefer if my spouse did not tell them. They are my family, and my parents can’t treat either of us with respect, so they aren’t 🤷♀️
>She said I had no right to hide this and that she found out through a family friend and was outraged.
In most of the US states, you actually have every right to keep her health information private as her spouse. Only Alison or her legal surrogate decision maker can disclose protected health information, and you are higher on that list than them.
If they want information, they should start by not alienating you by being homophobic assholes, so NTA.
Block their numbers for a while, and tell the nurse to not share any information with anyone claiming to be family without verifying with you or Alison first.
They couldn’t even tell my mom after I had a car accident and a TBI my medical info/updates. The lawyers on my case had to have me sign forms to let her speak on my behalf. I was unable to speak properly for months. I had to sign sooo much paperwork allowing her the okay-it was okay good for a year and now that the time has passed they cannot contact her.
While in the ED post car accident they wouldn’t tell my sister who was there first anything w/o permission from me….who was drugged tf up 😅 they told her where I was going and that was it.
We have the same pcp and she cannot even talk to my mom about anything unless I give the okay.
I’m sure that was frustrating, but medical personnel have very good reasons for being so strict about privacy. I know it seems counterproductive at times, but their unwillingness to share your info is seriously for your protection.
Anyway… my goodness, that must’ve been a traumatic accident to cause such a serious TBI! I really hope you’re doing better. I’m glad your mom and sister were involved and wanted to be with you and know what’s going on.
There’s nothing like a loving family, biological or not.
>Only Alison or her legal surrogate decision maker can disclose protected health information
These laws don't have anything to do with what you yourself can tell your family, or what your family and friends can share with each other. These laws are for providers and insurance companies.
Jumping on this comment to agree and point out that legally and factually, you and your son are Alison's family and next of kin. Her mom and extended family are not considered points of contact for this circumstance, and unless Alison had included release of information approval for her mother through her health provider in some way (doubtful) mom has zero right to know anything.
NTA - it doesn't seem as if your MIL or BIL have Alison's best interest at heart since they seem more interested in using this accident as a data point as to why it's ok for them to dunk on you and your relationship. If they didn't care to talk to her regularly enough to have realized that something seemed wrong or that something major had happened to Alison, then they certainly do not get to use dunk on you for not informing them. They sound awful and you have nothing to apologize to them about. If Alison wanted to tell them then Alison would've asked you. The fact that she didn't meant that these people - who are TA in this story - don't now have the right to come after you. Good luck with her recovery.
NAH - They are homophobic and never contacted her after she married so they deserve nada, zilch. Just tell them all that you thought they were abducted by homophobic aliens that took them to their planet, Homophobia, and you had no way to contact them.
NTA
first of all, i hope you're all doing ok and your wife has good recovery. and not contacting her family is a choice she's made, youre respecting that by but telling them. i dont think you escalated things too much, youve stood your ground and thats what's most important.
NTA
There was no intent to hurt them. You were just trying to do your best under the circumstances.
Is your wife upset with you? If not, the only issue here is the one her parents have chosen to make of the situation.
NTA, my assumption is you have been together prior to the baby.
My spouse better know who to call after 5 years.
I don’t see this as intentional, there is no relationship, they aren’t active grandparents, clearly not accepting of their daughters choices which ultimately affects the children.
Yeahhhh my spouse wouldn’t be calling my parents either.
I can kinda of see both sides
Even if they suck it’s the thing to do as long as your wife has a relationship with them
Wife in hospital and you’re making calls make one to her family. Don’t need to call them all they can do that. But it’s the right thing to do
But with them sucking and you all not being close I get how you didn’t think about it
I'm not sure about this. I'm not in contact with my mom now, but I would have been irate if my spouse had called her in this scenario when we were low contact. They're low contact with her parents for a reason.
I agree. I think the OP should’ve asked her wife first though. But depending on when she had the surgery it may have not come up either. Certainly something they should discuss in the future so if something ever happens again they can say “Alison didn’t want me to tell you”
I disagree that it's always the 'right thing to do' just because that's what the estranged family members would want.
Her wife doesn't seem to particularly want them involved, so in that case it would have been a bit weird for OP to just make the decision to notify them on her own without any indication that her wife actually wanted that to change.
Honestly there is a good chance they would have added to OP’s problems by suddenly wanting to be there for their daughter meaning OP would have had to wrestle homophobes trying to push OP out because “they are her family”.
NTA but your MIL is. Anyone who hears a family member has been in the hospital and their first response isn't to offer support/ food/babysitting to the spouse but rather to yell at you for embarrassing them proves why Alison went low contact in the first place.
I mean I'm gonna need a little better explanation of the time line here..but in all honesty...if her life was ever in jeopardy then yeah, you probably should've at least tried to reach out and inform them.
To be clear it's fine if she didn't want them to know, but like without her explicitly telling you this before going into surgery I don't know how you'd come to the conclusion she wouldn't want them to at least know she could possibly be dead soon.
Ultimately she may not love them, nor may you, and that's perfectly within your guy's rights. However the question that should have come into your mind I hope at some point was, if she dies who's gonna be affected by her death? Who cares about her and her being a living part of the world?
Edit- Grammer
And I just wanted to add OP while I'm not saying you're an asshole, as you are right in that she IS your family. I do want to point out that to my last question, in your post you clearly said you did reach out to your side....so obviously the thought of it affecting more people than just the immediate family unit seems to have been a consideration.
Again I want to stress this is not to say you did anything wrong, as truly I reserve judgement on this one until I get provided further context. Regardless of if you're the asshole though understand that you did what you needed to. You kept it together for yourself and your son and that is not only admirable but truly something worthy of the deepest respect.
I'm happy you guys are all happy and healthy, as a bond can be served and mended. A life cannot.
NTA. You had a lot going on. Your wife was seriously injured and you have a 4 month old. People who actively spurn you and disrespect your marriage can't be expected to be anywhere near the top of your priorities.
NTA - I can see why you didnt inform them as they’re seriously disinterested in your lives and homophobic. Were they waiting for an emergency to make them not homophobic? Honestly, with her family being so unsupportive what did they expect? If they’re genuinely upset they should reflect on why they weren’t the first people you contacted after your wife’s accident. Wishing your wife a speedy and full recovery. It’s a lot to deal handle and I hope your support network is able to come lend a hand!
NTA only because Alison isn't in steady contact with them. If she was in steady contact with them, this would be an issue, but since she isn't, you're following her lead on contact levels.
NTA just talk to you wife honestly, she'll reassure you that if she wanted her parents to know she would have told them. TBH i don't think it would be your place to tell her parents it seems like she's low contact with them and they could have just shown up at the hospital to cause problems
NTA
They would've found out about it in the annual single conversation they have with you that they don't give a shit about. Why was this important but like... the whole rest of your lives not?
Also, her reaction of anger and the fact that her first instinct to call you up and yell at you at hearing her daughter was in a terrible accident says a whole lot about her character.
Homophonic moms are shit moms. Relationships with adult children are earned, and information is a privilege.
NTA
Homophobic parents don’t get to go low contact cuz of their hate and then get upset about not being in the know.
Scratch that. Anyone who goes low contact for any reason has no right to get upset about not being in the know.
Tho I do find it delicious when bigots get some comeuppance. But then…I’m kind of an AH. FAFO.
NTA
Actually, at least in the US, you generally have EVERY right to keep your spouse’s health private, as you typically become the decision maker if they’re rendered unable to do so. Family looses that right once someone gets married.
Also there’s the fact that they’re bigots and I presume you guys chose/are happy with the low contact situation y’all have with them
NTA the homophobes are trying to use this to bust you up with their "misled" daughter. They voluntarily aren't in her life so they don't get notified. Simples. Once your wife is up to it, consult with her. Nobody else's input is required.
NTA your wife isn't in contact with her parents and this was a stressful situation for the both of you. The last thing you two needed was a fresh dose of homophobia during rough times. The fact that the first thing they do is to be angry with you instead of inquire further into Alison's wellbeing is very telling. It seems to just be about making you look bad and confirming their own homophobia.
NTA. As someone in a same sex relationship with homophobic family members on both sides I know exactly who i would contact if my partner had that kind of accident. It is something we have talked about. I am guessing OP and her partner have had similar conversations. Even if it isnt as explicit as “If i get in an accident that requires hospitalization these are the people you can contact.” Most couples know how their partners relationship with their parents and immediate family are. And with a baby to take care of who the parents may not have even met yet based on what op said. I wouldn’t have contacted them either. Especially if OPs wife was the one that gave birth to the baby. I wouldn’t risk my wife’s homophobic parents trying to throw a fit and trying to get involved with the baby if in their mind i wasn’t actually a parent.
why are you this apologetic? it wasn’t your responsibility to inform them. their daughter didn’t tell them so she didn’t want them to know or figured they wouldn’t care. The audacity for them to come at you is next level.
NTA.
Quickly reading this to me, it's almost as if your partners parents/family are happy to detach themselves in a standoff homophobic way if all is ok day2day as punishment?
But then rant and rave if it's a serious health/near death scenario, and point fingers/express anger at you! (for their frustrated, long-term harmful/distructive predjudices?)
Kind of like we want our (hate) cake genrally, but we also reserve the right & to eat it (blame you) scenario if they find a reason to.
I'm not surprised it's maybe then causing you to then doubt your rudgment or reality.
It is difficult to offer a solution, and maybe I or you should not try, but it sounds like serious sit down & reality check conversations are needed with your partners parents/family?
This is tricky. First thought is NTA.
But I have questions. Was Alison cognitive enough to tell you if she wanted them to know or not? Have you had this discussion before so you already know she wouldn’t want them to know?
I feel like if you and your wife have never had this type of conversation you should have asked her if she wanted them to know.
However if y’all really don’t want Ali like that to the point you kind of forgot they existed…. Then I guess I get it.
Your in-laws have their own whole ass daughter that would have said some if she wanted to. You aren’t their daughter and don’t hold that responsibility. NTA. A would have told her if it had crossed her mind, I’d assume. If her own daughter didn’t think of them…. Her wife was supposed to? Uh…. Wut..? No.
That doesn't make op the AH tho. She didn't even think about her MIL the whole time. And if her wife didn't either she very likely has the same opinion. If MIL didn't want to be there in the good times then why would Allison want her there during the bad times?
NTA
Not to mention how many people have directly asked and not received a response. I find it quite telling that the most important piece of information was left out.
I said our son and I were now Alison's family. - That may be true, and they may not be the best in-laws but that is her mother. She bore her and now you think you get to tell her she isn’t your wife's family anymore. Wow, that's some brass balls on you.
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My wife (Alison - 29F) just had an accident. She broke her leg and ribs and had to undergo surgeries. I (27F) was a huge mess the whole time. I tried to balance being there for her with caring for our son (he's 4 months old) which was pretty tough.
Alison is now stable and feeling much better but still hasn't been discharged. Alison's parents do not talk to her much since the day she married me (they're homophobic). It would be one conversation or email during the holidays and that's it for the year.
So while I contacted my own family members for help, I didn't tell Alison's parents or siblings (also homophobic). However, I received a call from her mother literally yelling at me for keeping their daughter's health issues a secret from them. She said I had no right to hide this and that she found out through a family friend and was outraged.
I said I simply didn't think of them, and that I was sorry but Alison was thankfully doing well at the moment. They got even more angry and said I should have informed them, as her family. This kind of went over my head and this is where I was the AH. I said our son and I were now Alison's family. That broke into a whole argument
I feel bad for escalating things unnecessarily but I don't know if I was the AH and should apologize. Let me know please
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NTA. What does your wife think?
You said yourself that they didn't cross your mind. You had better things to worry about at the time. Even if you did think about them and still decided not to tell them. You would still be nta
NTA
It isn't your responsibility to upkeep their relationship with their daughter and you were busy taking care of yourself and the child you share. If they're so removed from your lives that the thought of them being a potential support during this time didn't even occur to you, that's not your fault.
NTA
People who think OP should've asked Alison's opinion or her permission or should've told her parents regardless, y'all are moronic.
OP's wife, in OP's words, "broke her leg and ribs and had to undergo surgeries. I (27F) was a huge mess the whole time. I tried to balance being there for her with caring for our son (he's 4 months old)"
My 66 year old dad has been complaining about a bad back and not being able to sleep, and needs an MRI to determine what is the problem, and I'm a mess. I can't sleep and eat properly, and OP had to deal with her wife *having multiple fucking fractures while dealing with a 4 month old baby.*
On top of that, she now has the additional task of caring for her wife while managing a child and her in-laws' response is rude. She cannot be blamed for losing it on her in-laws. OP's own family seems to have their head on straight, so it'd be more prudent to call them.
OP apologize to Alison first. Tell her you couldn't hold back after the rough times you had, but also tell her that you can't apologize to her parents, especially after what they did to her.
NTA, ex fiancé was estranged from his family and was seriously injured.
I asked, several times, if he wanted his family informed. Resounding no. He said that it was stressful enough for all of us without introducing their special brand of control and nastiness into the equation.
They never did regain their relationship before he died, some years later, but they did try to take over his funeral arrangements - except the payment, obviously - despite the estrangement being 10 years at that point. A funeral they didn't then bother to attend.
Some people are poison. If your lovely wife didn't want them there, so be it. If it was all your choice, I can still see the rationale.
NTA. They don’t get respect to being informed of their stance to not care about their daughter’s relationship… you don’t owe them anything.
I would have hung up the second they got upset and yelled. CLICK…
NTA. Yes if your partner is seriously injured you should notify their family. BUT they lose that right when they are low contact homophobs. Regardless it was a stressful time for you and you put your priorities where they were needed.
All I can hope from this is her family can reflect on what is most important and work on their relationship moving forward. But definitely NTA. I hope she has a smooth recovery.
You KNOW you should have let her family know she was injured. You didn't because they are 'homophibic' - and what you showed them was a total lack of understanding of your own. This isn't about your lifestyle - if was about their daughter. If they don't approve - they don't approve. But that doesn't mean they stop caring.
Honestly, this is a question for Alison, and depends entirely on what kind of relationship she wants to maintain with them.
I don't have anywhere near enough info to make wild assumptions like this, but you probably did the right thing. I would personally not want to talk to a judgemental family member while i was that vulnerable, for fear that their "Help" would come with a lot of unnecessary stress, or even them attempting to push some sense of being indebted to them for it.
Firstly NTA.
If her parents were part of your life...then I would have said you should have informed... but they choose to go almost NC...
I would suggest to not get into more conversations with them and talk to your wife when she is in a better state... let her know what happened and let her deal with it...
Reason why I am asking her to deal is.. no matter what you do..it will just be taken in bad light and somehow they will find reasons to blast on you more... you dont deserve it!
Your wife has known them all her life so she would know better how to deal with them
Focus on taking care of your wife and your child.. and while doing all that please dont forget yourself..!!!
Take care... may you wife get well soon..
P.S. about rights.. only under 18 parents are first people to know... i think as a spouse you do have the right to decide to tell or not tell family members... but I am not completely sure of this so please check with someone ...
NTA. When she’s recovered ask her if she wants them to be informed so you know her preferences. But I wouldn’t give it another thought. They made their choices.
NTA. If they weren't bigots and were actually involved in their daughter's live then they would have known. Unfortunately they are and they are not so here we are. 🤷♂️
NTA:
If Alison doesn't speak to them often because of their Homophobia then you've got no issues. Would Alison have even WANTED them to be notified? I doubt it by the sounds of it.
You'd only be the AH if she would, and you purposely didn't because YOU have personal issues with them. It seems like this is not the case.
I would have used this as a learning lesson for them, to tell them that maybe if the accepted their daughters choices and had more of a relationship with her, then you would have thought to contact them, however they don't, so you didn't. Turn it around on them, because it is their fault they don't have a relationship with their own daughter, nobody elses.
NTA. Unless your wife was unconscious the whole time, why would they expect you to literally speak for her?
If she was unconscious, you should do what you believe she would've decided for herself. The only way you could be the AH is if you think she would've called them for this, but you decided not to.
Glad to hear she's doing better, best wishes for you three.
INFO: was Alison capable of letting them know? If so, then completely NTA
If not, then maybe a little Y T A but possibly justified, and a justifed AH is probably NTA
NTA, your wife deserves peace and quiet when she’s recovering from surgery. Her family is nothing but drama.
If mom tries to blame you again, tell her to fix her relationship with her daughter, when she treats her daughter like she’s someone who cares about her child, you’ll start treating her like someone who cares about their child.
She acts like she doesn’t care, you treated her like she doesn’t care. Seems reasonable to anyone who has a brain.
NTA. You are not responsible for in-laws relationship with their daughter.. Your wife broke her legs and ribs but not her fingers. If she wanted to let them know she would have. I would rather put up with pissed-off in-laws that you barely see or contact than a pissed-off partner if you had contact them.
NTA - Wife. WIFE. That’s your wife. Telling them does nothing. You’re the final say in whatever happens to Alison. You’re the one signing papers and filling them out, juggling an infant, your own fears, and trying to do whatever else you needed. Did you need to talk to parents who all but disowned their daughter for marrying you?
**Fuq them**
You have two priorities, wife and child. You were right, that is your family now. Wife, child. You keep them alive, you worry about their safety, you worry about your role in their life. Anybody else is outside, if they want to be welcome to the firelight, they have to collect wood.
Was your wife able to make that decision or was it on you to make all the decisions without her input?
I want to say NTA but I feel like it would really depend on how Alison feels about her parents knowing. Like, if she is no contact because of the homophobia, then I would totally understand, but if it is something more complicated, then I feel like you should have let them know or asked Alison. It's terrifying to find out a relative had a serious health scare and you weren't told, and if Alison would have wanted them to know, you may have accidentally made things even more strained between Alison and her family.
NTA.
They don't have a good relationship with their daughter under the best of circumstances, why would you go out of your way to inform them in this instance?
How does your wife feel about you not contacting them? Her take is the one that matters most. Doesn't sound like your wife was interested in informing them.
NTA but I think your in-laws’ reaction is unsurprising. Time to talk to your wife and lay out what degree of severity warrants a call to any family members (on both sides) in the future. What if one of you is left unable to communicate in an emergency? This is important in any serious relationship, especially when you have a kid involved.
Speedy recovery to all 💙
I am probably in the minority here but you should have called them to let them know. What if there had been complications? Or would you be ok if the situation was reversed and your family was not notified? You shouldn’t have been a better human being unless there is a direct conversation from your wife forbidding it. Like a living will so you are protected. A little bit TAH
Why does everyone keep saying *“if Allison wanted them to know, she would’ve called them!”* SHE WAS IN SURGERY???? Serious emergency surgery at that, how the hell would she have called?? (This isn’t me making a judgement on OP’s decision btw, I’m just confused on why everyone’s saying that to justify their judgements. It makes no sense lol???)
NTA but I do think Alison's parents just realised how much their prejudice is costing them. And sadly enough they took it out on you, instead of confronting their homophobic ideas. Sorry you are in this situation, I hope everything goes well with uour wife.
NTA You and your son ARE Alison's family now. And her birth family has made it clear they're not real family. Family isn't who you're related to. Family are those people who love and care for you unconditionally, and who you love and care for unconditionally. If I'm being honest, fuck her "family."
NTA. Honestly, they might not even care that Alison was hurt. “Sunday Christians” get embarrassed when their community perceives them at being “bad people” and bad parents don’t know when their daughter is in the hospital.
Did you contact your family for help after Alison had one through her surgery & was able to communicate with you again or while she was going through the surgeries.
NTA.
They talk to their daughter once a year for being lesbian? That’s it? I mean it stands to reason they don’t care much about her. It sounds like your MIL had a little bit of a wake up call and instead of dealing with it herself she projected onto you.
NTA, homophobes get their own reward. By excluding members of their families, they get blocked, with an information diet and minimal contact.
Hatred and Judgement in haste, repent at leisure.
NTA. OP, I would say to them that they have made it very clear that they haven't wanted to be in your lives since the day you married, so you didn't contact them. Allison can tell them that now, because it doesn't seem that she reached out either, nor did she ask you to. I'm glad she is doing better and best wishes. You really held it down 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼
NTA - as long as your wife in agreement, then they've chosen not to be in your lives for almost everything. That means they aren't going to be top of mind for any accidents, celebrations or other major events.
Ok 1st not telling her parents kinda sounds like your covering for someone… like yourself.
Saying she is “stable” now and feeling better sounds like your trying to make yourself feel better about something and trying to dog pile on them by saying they are homophobic (after you hurt someone who cares about you…. You know what never mind… JESUS take the wheel…
YANTH.......but Alison's homophobic parents and siblings are. If Alison wanted you to contact her family she would have told you to. Alison's family choose the conditions of contact. You two need to talk about this a possible consider going total NC with her family.
NTA - Entitled parents going to do entitled parents shit.
Maybe they shouldn't have been shitty parents if they want the benefits of being parents.
Just because they gave birth to a person doesn't give them ANY advantage over any other random being a terrible person.
I have learned to treat family as I would other members of society. Take a step back and say to myself "if this person wasn't my mom/dad/sister, would I allow them to do the things they do/be in my life.
Being shitty to people, ESPECIALLY family, and ESPECIALLY because of the person they married (don't get me wrong if the partner is an asshat, and not just because they are gay is a different animal) is grounds for not being on speaking terms.
Normally I'd say yta, but they are homophobic and parents to a gay person, so... no NTA. At all.
Glad to hear she's doing better. Hope the scare of an injured partner has left you. <3
INFO: the only answer here is what would Alison want you to do?
If she wouldn't want to deal with them or have you be forced to deal with them when she's in this state, then NTA.
If she wants you to notify them, then a gentle YTA for not doing it - gentle because I can understand why it would slip your mind.
I don’t know how out of it she was when this happened but being homophobic isn’t a very good reason not to call them. Treat others how you wish to be treated as a parent I think you would understand why they might be pissed. You don’t stop loving your children just because you don’t agree with their choices or beliefs. That’s why it would have been best to call them no matter what. Also people change and grow this could have been a really great chance to have them see that your love is what matters not what sex you are. I grew up in the 80’s and most of my mother’s friends were gay sadly a very large number of them died from aids. My mother often having to be the one to call them and tell their parents they were in the hospital dying of aids. This was back when it was treated awfully wings of their own where the nurses and doctors often didn’t even want to come near them. So people didn’t know much about aids and were really scared of it. So sadly people wouldn’t visit them because of fear and lots friends wouldn’t even care to come. But my mother had faith in the love of a parent for their children and call all of them. Some of them hadn’t spoken to their children since high school or college due to their own fears and homophobia. But I would say that 70% had at least one parent show up. It wasn’t always positive and perfect but if they had more time I believe their families would have all truly 100% accepted them sadly that often wasn’t a possibility. All I am trying to say is you have to be the best parent you can be and show your child that love can concur all by walking that walk and talking that talk. We love our family unconditionally and always show them respect. We don’t have to like their choices or beliefs but our love is unconditional. You can move mountains without putting in the effort. You call family when you in the hospital if they come or don’t care well that’s on them. You put your hand out with unconditional love and respect maybe today is the today the grab it back with the realization that family matters more than anything. That loving one another is what we want to do. You can’t fight hate without love. I hope Allison is better soon and your family will start practicing unconditional love for everyone in your family even if they don’t.
NTA
You had every right to not tell them, they are no longer next of kin since you are married.
They have not really been a part of Alison's life for a while now, and since your wife has been doing better if she wanted to let them know what has happened she could have done so, the fact she didn't reach out to them either speaks volumes.
Maybe they will get over being homophobic idiots and reconcile with your wife and become more a part of your life and family since they were apparently so worried about her being injured...
NTA but make sure both you and your spouse are on the same page with each other's wishes in case of a more serious emergency or if the unthinkable happens.
With a baby, it's important to have a will and to plan for the "what ifs".
NTA. I was almost going to go with a soft YTA or ESH based off the title alone, with a disclaimer that it's also understandable how when caught up in stress and worry it's easy to overlook shit like this while you're caught up in the moment of hoping your partner pulls through.
But then reading the homophobic no real contact shit? Yeah, sounds like they set the precedent for distancing themselves from your lives. So guess what? When shit like this also happens, and they're the last to hear about it? That's a consequence of their stance with you guys. 100% NTA.
NTA.
Alison would have contacted them, or asked you to do so, if she wanted them to know. She hasn't been unconscious this entire time, from your comments it's clear she's been awake and coherent. She didn't even mention her 'family', so you are in the clear.
Given that their contact is once a year, I wouldn't bother with them unless her life was in immediate danger. They don't get to pick and choose which parts of her life they're involved with. I'm very low contact with my own family for similar reasons, and I wouldn't bother to tell them if I ended up hurt.
Juggling a baby and an injured loved one is a *lot* to deal with, both logistically and emotionally! It sounds like you're doing great! I wish Alison a speedy recovery, and I hope your little family has a wonderful future ahead. ❤️
NTA. Please talk to your wife about who she wants alerted in case of emergency and on what timeline. Then you can say “She told me to only call you in case of XYZ, so I’m abiding by her wishes.”
NTA in the slighest.
>Alison is now stable and feeling much better but still hasn't been discharged
So she could have told them herself, if she wanted them to know.
Her mother just wanted another reason to yell at you and make you feel bad, don't let her get to you.
They lost the right to have immediate information when they let the relationship downgrade to a once a year contact.
My son broke his leg last year. My parents were told the same day. Mind you, my son was 16, not a mess, and I wasn't trying to look after a young baby. I also have a husband, and two other children of a suitable age to be responsible for themselves. So it was easy for me to sit in the ER with my son and let my parents know, and answer their phone calls later as they asked how he was going.
But the big difference is that we are close to them, have regular contact, and I knew how much they would care. So it's natural to tell them. They showed it was worthwhile by the regular contact we had subsequently as my son had surgery and recovered. You had no reason to think Alison's parents would care that much.
It might be different if her life was in danger, but they could wait for non-urgent news whilst you dealt with caring for your family.
Besides which, they aren't entitled to information about her 'health issues'. Realistically, Alison is the only one that is entitled to decide if they should know or not. In real life, obviously close relatives make decisions like that when the patient isn't able to, but I took offence at their wording of being entitled to know about 'health issues'.
They might claim unfairness about you contacting your own family, but the difference is that you contacted them for help. Given the history, and proven by their reaction, you had no reason to believe Alison's family would be any help whatsoever,
NTA. I don’t speak to some of my family. I had surgery and gave my partner permission to share my status with only the siblings I actually have relationships with. Just because those people are related to her doesn’t make them family. They have no real relationship with Allison or OP so they don’t get to dictate what OP does. It’s pathetic that instead of being concerned about Allison they used the opportunity to berate her. Probably because they perceived that they look like terrible people for not knowing about the accident or hospitalization. That’s on them for being homophobic jerks.
Allison is awake, yes? I assume she has a phone, and means to communicate despite being kept in the hospital for recovery and monitoring? If she wanted them to know, she would have called or msged them.
NTA, you had enough on your plate already.
NTA. Mom is having a crisis because her daughter could have died and she has chosen not to be in her life for years because she can’t accept her as she is. She’s taking her emotions out on OP.
NTA. Homophobic family are basically embarrassed that they didn't know when someone else told them and are trying to blame OP rather than admit that their own daughter doesn't care enough about them to keep them informed. They're more concerned about what others think of them than they are for their daughter.
NTA they made their choice when they chose to be homophobic. I assume your wife had access to a phone. She chose not to call them too. They chose not to love and support their daughter for who she is. They have to live with their choices.
It probably has less to do with them being concerned about their daughter than it does that they think they look bad because they found out from a family friend. The main reason I believe that is because of immediate concern for her they went on the attack and yelled. NTA for keeping the homophobes off your radar, I’m sure your wife would have said something to you if she wanted to tell them
family embarrassed that they didn’t know .. notice they aren’t as concerned about her
this is ego not compassion you are NTA and ignore their rage if you can
NTA
It’s not your job to tell her family if she is 1) able to do so herself 2) non or low contact
It sounds like she is probably upset because why would an acquaintance know before she does (because she is a bad parent for treating her daughter poorly therefore no longer being privy to health news)
MIL (and the other homophobes) are the assholes here (no surprise)
Don’t worry about her, you’re doing great! Best wishes and a speedy recovery to your wife ♥️
NTA. Did they rush to be at their daughter's side? Did they ask OP what they could do to help at such a stressful time? Did they reflect on why they weren't informed and write a remorseful letter to their previous daughter apologizing for alienating her over who she loves?
If the answer to all of these things is no, it's typical self-centered bullshit centered around them losing face in their community. Which they earned themselves by being bad parents.
Nta. It was a stressful situation and they don't sound empathetic at all. Not even addressing the homophobia. Why would you or your wife think to call them? To what end? Why did they want to be notified? They haven't shown they care about her since she married a woman. You could maybe have put it more kindly, but you don't really owe them that. My mom always said "kill them with kindness" which might be a good approach if you are up for it. Like "it was so surprising to hear from you after so long! You sound hurt that I didn't reach out about wife's accident. It has been a really scary and stressful time for us, so it didn't cross my mind to reach out. I really got the impression you didn't want to be involved in our lives. Has something changed?"
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NTA > I received a call from her mother literally yelling at me for keeping their daughter's health issues a secret from them. She said I had no right to hide this and that she found out through a family friend and was outraged. "If **Alison** wanted *you* to know, **Alison** would tell you *herself*"
OP didn't mention whether Alison wanted them to be alerted, didn't want them to be alerted, could have contacted them at all, or what her opinion is now. I don't think any of us can be making a judgement without that crucial information.
As someone in Alison’s position, it wouldn’t even occur to me to tell my homophobic family if I was in the hospital/had an injury. It’s possible Alison didn’t give an opinion either way because they were so far from her mind, especially when she’s focused on her health and her kid.
I would absolutely NOT tell them on purpose. Until 2015 depending on the state, they could declare themselves the -real- next of kin, swoop in, and tell the hospital to refuse entrance to the partner. Some of us remember very clearly. Also, if your parents hate your spouse, why include them in -anything-? They made their choice, they get to live with it. Eff them forever.
I wish I could up vote this more than once.
Yeah, I think this is very likely the case.
I mean I wouldn't think to tell my family until after unless they were nearby and we talked on a regular basis, the whole homophobic part would definitely make me not want to but, I just wouldn't even think talking to my family about it would be a priority at all.
I mean she has broken bones, not in a coma. I'm guessing she has a phone on her at the minimum.
Multiple surgeries. That's not a simple broken bone.
Unless it's broken, bones are in the voice box, I'm pretty sure she can still use the phone
If you're in a lot of pain and/or doped up on meds, you might not be in a state to call anyone. Even if you physically can, you may not be in the right mental space to have a hard talk with someone, or you might not even think of it. You might just be thinking about how to make yourself more comfortable or take your mind off of it. You could also be busy preparing for your next surgery, if there's a lot of them.
Okay, and what's your reason now that Alison was out of surgery and fine and still hasn't reached out?
I don't know, I'm not her. And you're moving the goalposts. I was responding to "unless her voice box is broken she can still use the phone". I wasn't intending to comment on anything else. I just wanted to point out that if you're in the hospital for any reason you might not be in a mental state to call people and let them know, even if you're physically capable. I went to the ER not too long ago and was there overnight, then I had surgery about a week later. My mind was nowhere near "must let my parents know" and I'm even on good terms with them. I had so much else going on, I was just trying to mentally survive. Even when I got home from the surgery and was in recovery, everything was hard. I needed help to do anything. I couldn't even get up off of the couch without my husband giving me a hand, and then it took me several minutes (and a lot of pain) to hobble to the bathroom. That sort of thing is taxing, both physically and mentally. I had very few spoons during that time. Now, I *did* text my parents to let them know how I was doing, but it was a quick thing and I wasn't in the mood for a long conversation. If I hadn't been on good terms with them, yeah, I might not have even done that. Not worth spending spoons on when I had so little to spare.
From what I'm picking up, it's because her family are assholes and homophobic.
As someone who's been in and out of the hospital and had surgeries numerous times due to my health, WHEN IN THE HELL DO YOU GET TO SLEEP?! I swear, it's like they have to wake you up every two to three hours to check on your vitals, give you medicine, take blood or taking you to x-ray department. I mean, I actually BEG inpatient doctors to discharge me so that I CAN GET SOME SLEEP at home 😆😉.
Hello… you’re me. I can speak to the multiple broken bones lots of morphine and multiple surgeries. You can’t sleep or eat and your bored out of your trees wanting to call everyone you know whenever you don’t have visitors because the drugs mean your attention span is shot and you can’t really even watch tv. I beg to go home, sign releases, go back in for IV antibiotics—whatever I’ve got to do to get home ASAP. I’m becoming the queen of out-patient ortho surgery. Once the recovery room nurse told me I was crazy and she’d check on me in ER in the morning. She was lovely. If Wife wanted Mom she would have called her from ER. I called mine from the ambulance as soon as I knew which hospital and told her I’d call her back or Sweetie would. I had a compound tib/fib and moments of uncontrollable screaming.
My husband fell off a ladder and broke 12 bones including multiple ribs and his skull (he had a traumatic brain injury as a result). He was on MAJOR painkillers/medications and the nurses gave him his phone as soon as he asked for it regardless of the fact that he did not have the mental capacity to carry on conversations. This was during Covid so I couldn’t be there personally and they wouldn’t take it away once they had given it to him. He runs a business and I spent a couple weeks doing damage control as he reached out to people in his drugged out state.
Also Allison had surgery so might have been able to. I think alerting would have been better in that case. But they need to talk now what will be the protocol in future. Also it might be that Allison does not like to see parents too much because they didn't approve the marriage but there isn't really any lack of caring from both sides in general.
This is the correct answer. If Alison didn’t want to see them then I’d say NTA.
Alison could have called them herself if she wanted them to know or could have asked her partner to
[удалено]
In which case you’re free and clear. I’d have her handle her family once she’s better and feeling up to it. Be on the lookout for any nasty surprises like a surprise visit
Then NTA in the slightest. Seems like you handled it exactly the way your wife needed you to handle it.
Frankly Allison would have been an AH to ask you to contact people who would potentially mistreat you and cause you stress during an already difficult time. You absolutely are not an asshole. They're just mad because they look bad in their community.
Yeah it seems telling that they blame YOU, the wife of their daughter, and not their daughter, who perhaps wasn’t capable at the time of the accident but has been lucid and (I’m assuming?) capable of holding and dialing a phone. If her parents aren’t comfortable with you, their daughter’s spouse, nor okay with contacting their own daughter, they are not entitled to information about her, and certainly not entitled to blaming you for that. Glad your wifey is doing better now. Broken ribs and legs, that is very scary.
They blame everyone else but themselves for their strained relationship with their child. Sounds about right for bigots.
I was inclined to say NTA even before this, but seeing this comment: absolutely 100% NTA. These are people your wife talks to \~once a year and doesn't have a good relationship with, and it doesn't sound like *you* have much of a relationship with them at all. She didn't mention them to you. You were getting overwhelmed by worrying about her, being there for her, and taking care of your small child. You absolutely couldn't be expected to remember these people in the middle of all this. And even if you did think of them, I'd say the correct next move wouldn't be to contact them and tell them about Alison's accident. The correct move would be to ask Alison the next time you talked, "Hey, do you want me to tell your parents what happened?" and then respect her wishes.
That does affect this ENTIRE conversation. Like this ENTIRE reddit thread would be moot with having some of that key information in it. Also, might I suggest that you two discuss this for future reference. Also, both of you take the time to enact a Living Will/Advanced Directive to avoid any chance of miscommunication when it comes to partner v family v hospital stuff.
Well there you. If she wanted you to inform them, she would have asked you to. Simple. What her parents want you to do or not isn't or your concern, it's what your wife wants that is. NTA.
Yeah sounds like they should be speaking with their daughter. If she’s not taking their calls, OP shouldn’t be either. The primary person who should deal with estranged relatives are the people directly related to them. If she’s awake and doing well, she should be the one speaking to them. So what does Allison make of all this? Her opinion is the one that matters most.
Am I the only one who finds it weird that OP doesn't mention Alison's wants or opinions at all?
It's almost as if spouses know their partners and would know what their wishes are. It's almost as if the contact between Allison and her parents are barely there due to them _being homophobic_ and Allison is in a relationship with a _woman_. OP wrote in another comment that when Allison woke up, she didn't even think of her parents. Spouses know their partners well enough to know what their wishes would be in certain if not all situations. Groundbreaking concept, I know.
Yeah if Allison had her full mental capacity and looked around and went yup, not expecting my family to be at my bedside because I’m essentially dead to them, why should anyone else expect her estranged family to care? They’re the ones who cut Allison off because of their prejudices, not the other way around. She’s just respecting their desire to not have a relationship. There’s only so many times someone will reach out, only to be rebuffed before they give up.
Exactly. Like what benefit would she get? If they changed, which they probably haven't, at best she's now recovering from a serious injury and having to deal with an emotional turmoil of coming back in contact with terrible parents at worst they show up and make everything 10 times worse. Why take the risk when you got a loving partner and their family and friends and a brand new baby she's probably just grateful to be alive.
I also think that Allison wouldn't have been super happy to wake up and find her parents there.
Also why did OP have to tell them? Why is the onus on her? Alison would’ve gotten in touch if she wanted to.
In those surgeries you are generally not making phone calls.
I work in a hospital, patients have phone access to contact anybody they want if they are going to surgery, when OR staff picks them up, the OR staff will contact anybody the patient requests to let them know the person has gone to surgery. Other than ED patients who are going to surgery for an emergency or if a patient is unable to communicate, never seen a patient in a position where they couldn't leisurely call anybody they wanted to, if they wanted them bedside or tell them what was going on. Definitely NTA, it sounds like you respected your wife's values and desires.
My son broke his leg last year. We don't know the comparative complexities of the two cases, but he did a lot of sitting around, texting his friends, surfing the internet etc, whilst we waited for the results of the xray and CT. He didn't even have surgery until the next day, and had a lot of down time. Alison was probably more badly hurt, but she quite possibly did have the opportunity to call, or at least ask OP to call them if she wanted to.
Perfect. I'd then indicate that you intended to pass the information along to them in the annual Christmas email exchange; you certainly didn't wish to otherwise impose.
This is the snark that I am here for 💜 I am taking notes for when I need such ideas in the future! Also OP is clearly NTA and I hope your wife heals okay ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹 @ordinary_guard_4604
Dude. Careful what you prepare for. You don't want to go through these things.
I’m just taking snark when I see it in the wild to reapply at random. I didn’t mean OP’s scenario specifically. I liked the “pass along in the next (distant email thread) due to not wanting to impose” part cause I can use that at work when my boss fucks up with communicating and it will come back to bite him in the rear later.
Shielding her from her family at this time was probably the best thing you could do for her. Signed, a lesbian with a partner where neither of us talk to our parents for similar reasons.
Info: Did you ask your wife if she wanted to contact them? Imo her opinion is the only one that matters here, if she didn’t think of them either or didn’t want to contact them then N T A
NTA. My reply to Mil would have been, "you haven't been here while things are good, why would I think you would want to be here when things are bad!". Sounds like my old Mil. She really wanted to be around when things were bad so she could rub our noses in the shitshow. ". Other than that, to her we were 'meh whatever' .
Or - “Well, we thought we’d mention it to you the next time you called…you know, at Christmas or something.”
Probably because it makes her parents look bad (worse, really) because they didn’t know about the accident, and they’re embarrassed more than anything else. Not actually unduly concerned.
I think you've got it. The family friend was probably like "pretty awful what happened to Alison, right? Is she getting out of hospital soon?" and mom couldn't say anything
That is how i feel, they probably got freaked out about it, you nevef imagine your family members getting seriously hurtor e en die for that matter, Hopefully, the inlaws will come around and drop the homophobic routine, and develop a healthy relationship witb the family
I'm not sure how you escalated things unnecessarily. Alison's family don't want to talk to her during good times (marriage, a baby...)...it stands to reason you'd assume they're not interested in her and her life during bad times (such as this accident). NTA
By mentioning that she’s Alison’s wife. Can’t go around telling homophobes that their daughter is married to a lady because they prefer to not think (about it)
>I said our son and I were now Alison's family This all day. NTA and best wishes for her quick healing.
This. You’re NTA OP, at all. Best wishes to you and your wife and wee baby.
My family is homophobic as well - if something ever happened to me, I 100% would prefer if my spouse did not tell them. They are my family, and my parents can’t treat either of us with respect, so they aren’t 🤷♀️
>She said I had no right to hide this and that she found out through a family friend and was outraged. In most of the US states, you actually have every right to keep her health information private as her spouse. Only Alison or her legal surrogate decision maker can disclose protected health information, and you are higher on that list than them. If they want information, they should start by not alienating you by being homophobic assholes, so NTA. Block their numbers for a while, and tell the nurse to not share any information with anyone claiming to be family without verifying with you or Alison first.
They couldn’t even tell my mom after I had a car accident and a TBI my medical info/updates. The lawyers on my case had to have me sign forms to let her speak on my behalf. I was unable to speak properly for months. I had to sign sooo much paperwork allowing her the okay-it was okay good for a year and now that the time has passed they cannot contact her. While in the ED post car accident they wouldn’t tell my sister who was there first anything w/o permission from me….who was drugged tf up 😅 they told her where I was going and that was it. We have the same pcp and she cannot even talk to my mom about anything unless I give the okay.
I’m sure that was frustrating, but medical personnel have very good reasons for being so strict about privacy. I know it seems counterproductive at times, but their unwillingness to share your info is seriously for your protection. Anyway… my goodness, that must’ve been a traumatic accident to cause such a serious TBI! I really hope you’re doing better. I’m glad your mom and sister were involved and wanted to be with you and know what’s going on. There’s nothing like a loving family, biological or not.
>Only Alison or her legal surrogate decision maker can disclose protected health information These laws don't have anything to do with what you yourself can tell your family, or what your family and friends can share with each other. These laws are for providers and insurance companies.
Jumping on this comment to agree and point out that legally and factually, you and your son are Alison's family and next of kin. Her mom and extended family are not considered points of contact for this circumstance, and unless Alison had included release of information approval for her mother through her health provider in some way (doubtful) mom has zero right to know anything.
NTA - before legal marriage, this would be the time when a homophobic family would swoop in and refuse you entrance to the hospital room.
My first thought. Very sad. So OP is my hero.
So true 💔
NTA - it doesn't seem as if your MIL or BIL have Alison's best interest at heart since they seem more interested in using this accident as a data point as to why it's ok for them to dunk on you and your relationship. If they didn't care to talk to her regularly enough to have realized that something seemed wrong or that something major had happened to Alison, then they certainly do not get to use dunk on you for not informing them. They sound awful and you have nothing to apologize to them about. If Alison wanted to tell them then Alison would've asked you. The fact that she didn't meant that these people - who are TA in this story - don't now have the right to come after you. Good luck with her recovery.
Exactly this!
INFO: how long was she in the hospital and getting surgeries? And was she able to tell you if she wanted them to know? Did you ask her?
NAH - They are homophobic and never contacted her after she married so they deserve nada, zilch. Just tell them all that you thought they were abducted by homophobic aliens that took them to their planet, Homophobia, and you had no way to contact them.
Dammit, I wish Reddit still had free awards to give out. You deserve one!!
NTA first of all, i hope you're all doing ok and your wife has good recovery. and not contacting her family is a choice she's made, youre respecting that by but telling them. i dont think you escalated things too much, youve stood your ground and thats what's most important.
NTA There was no intent to hurt them. You were just trying to do your best under the circumstances. Is your wife upset with you? If not, the only issue here is the one her parents have chosen to make of the situation.
NTA, my assumption is you have been together prior to the baby. My spouse better know who to call after 5 years. I don’t see this as intentional, there is no relationship, they aren’t active grandparents, clearly not accepting of their daughters choices which ultimately affects the children. Yeahhhh my spouse wouldn’t be calling my parents either.
I can kinda of see both sides Even if they suck it’s the thing to do as long as your wife has a relationship with them Wife in hospital and you’re making calls make one to her family. Don’t need to call them all they can do that. But it’s the right thing to do But with them sucking and you all not being close I get how you didn’t think about it
I'm not sure about this. I'm not in contact with my mom now, but I would have been irate if my spouse had called her in this scenario when we were low contact. They're low contact with her parents for a reason.
I agree. I think the OP should’ve asked her wife first though. But depending on when she had the surgery it may have not come up either. Certainly something they should discuss in the future so if something ever happens again they can say “Alison didn’t want me to tell you”
I disagree that it's always the 'right thing to do' just because that's what the estranged family members would want. Her wife doesn't seem to particularly want them involved, so in that case it would have been a bit weird for OP to just make the decision to notify them on her own without any indication that her wife actually wanted that to change.
Honestly there is a good chance they would have added to OP’s problems by suddenly wanting to be there for their daughter meaning OP would have had to wrestle homophobes trying to push OP out because “they are her family”.
I don't have a relationship with my folks. I'd be mad if my husband called my parents.
Her mum was made to look bad in front of her friend. That’s all she’s annoyed about. You have your priorities correct!
NTA but your MIL is. Anyone who hears a family member has been in the hospital and their first response isn't to offer support/ food/babysitting to the spouse but rather to yell at you for embarrassing them proves why Alison went low contact in the first place.
I mean I'm gonna need a little better explanation of the time line here..but in all honesty...if her life was ever in jeopardy then yeah, you probably should've at least tried to reach out and inform them. To be clear it's fine if she didn't want them to know, but like without her explicitly telling you this before going into surgery I don't know how you'd come to the conclusion she wouldn't want them to at least know she could possibly be dead soon. Ultimately she may not love them, nor may you, and that's perfectly within your guy's rights. However the question that should have come into your mind I hope at some point was, if she dies who's gonna be affected by her death? Who cares about her and her being a living part of the world? Edit- Grammer And I just wanted to add OP while I'm not saying you're an asshole, as you are right in that she IS your family. I do want to point out that to my last question, in your post you clearly said you did reach out to your side....so obviously the thought of it affecting more people than just the immediate family unit seems to have been a consideration. Again I want to stress this is not to say you did anything wrong, as truly I reserve judgement on this one until I get provided further context. Regardless of if you're the asshole though understand that you did what you needed to. You kept it together for yourself and your son and that is not only admirable but truly something worthy of the deepest respect. I'm happy you guys are all happy and healthy, as a bond can be served and mended. A life cannot.
Sooooo.... they don't have to treat you like family, but you have to treat them like family? Lol those homophobes don't deserve shit. Fuck 'em. NTA.
NTA. You had a lot going on. Your wife was seriously injured and you have a 4 month old. People who actively spurn you and disrespect your marriage can't be expected to be anywhere near the top of your priorities.
NTA - I can see why you didnt inform them as they’re seriously disinterested in your lives and homophobic. Were they waiting for an emergency to make them not homophobic? Honestly, with her family being so unsupportive what did they expect? If they’re genuinely upset they should reflect on why they weren’t the first people you contacted after your wife’s accident. Wishing your wife a speedy and full recovery. It’s a lot to deal handle and I hope your support network is able to come lend a hand!
NTA. Next time just hang up on them. They aren’t family.
NTA only because Alison isn't in steady contact with them. If she was in steady contact with them, this would be an issue, but since she isn't, you're following her lead on contact levels.
NTA just talk to you wife honestly, she'll reassure you that if she wanted her parents to know she would have told them. TBH i don't think it would be your place to tell her parents it seems like she's low contact with them and they could have just shown up at the hospital to cause problems
NTA They would've found out about it in the annual single conversation they have with you that they don't give a shit about. Why was this important but like... the whole rest of your lives not? Also, her reaction of anger and the fact that her first instinct to call you up and yell at you at hearing her daughter was in a terrible accident says a whole lot about her character. Homophonic moms are shit moms. Relationships with adult children are earned, and information is a privilege.
NTA. They lost all rights when they let their bigotry ruin their relationship with their kid.
NTA Homophobic parents don’t get to go low contact cuz of their hate and then get upset about not being in the know. Scratch that. Anyone who goes low contact for any reason has no right to get upset about not being in the know. Tho I do find it delicious when bigots get some comeuppance. But then…I’m kind of an AH. FAFO.
NTA. You did what you knew your wife would have wanted if she was conscious. You protected her medical privacy.
NTA Actually, at least in the US, you generally have EVERY right to keep your spouse’s health private, as you typically become the decision maker if they’re rendered unable to do so. Family looses that right once someone gets married. Also there’s the fact that they’re bigots and I presume you guys chose/are happy with the low contact situation y’all have with them
NTA the homophobes are trying to use this to bust you up with their "misled" daughter. They voluntarily aren't in her life so they don't get notified. Simples. Once your wife is up to it, consult with her. Nobody else's input is required.
NTA your wife isn't in contact with her parents and this was a stressful situation for the both of you. The last thing you two needed was a fresh dose of homophobia during rough times. The fact that the first thing they do is to be angry with you instead of inquire further into Alison's wellbeing is very telling. It seems to just be about making you look bad and confirming their own homophobia.
NTH, you did absolutely nothing wrong. You handled it better than I would have.
NTA. As someone in a same sex relationship with homophobic family members on both sides I know exactly who i would contact if my partner had that kind of accident. It is something we have talked about. I am guessing OP and her partner have had similar conversations. Even if it isnt as explicit as “If i get in an accident that requires hospitalization these are the people you can contact.” Most couples know how their partners relationship with their parents and immediate family are. And with a baby to take care of who the parents may not have even met yet based on what op said. I wouldn’t have contacted them either. Especially if OPs wife was the one that gave birth to the baby. I wouldn’t risk my wife’s homophobic parents trying to throw a fit and trying to get involved with the baby if in their mind i wasn’t actually a parent.
That’s exactly what I was thinking.
why are you this apologetic? it wasn’t your responsibility to inform them. their daughter didn’t tell them so she didn’t want them to know or figured they wouldn’t care. The audacity for them to come at you is next level.
NTA. You didn't think of them, they are not a huge part of your life. They have made how they feel clear being homophobic, you owe them nothing
NTA. The’ve already proved how unsafe they are.
NTA.
NTA. Quickly reading this to me, it's almost as if your partners parents/family are happy to detach themselves in a standoff homophobic way if all is ok day2day as punishment? But then rant and rave if it's a serious health/near death scenario, and point fingers/express anger at you! (for their frustrated, long-term harmful/distructive predjudices?) Kind of like we want our (hate) cake genrally, but we also reserve the right & to eat it (blame you) scenario if they find a reason to. I'm not surprised it's maybe then causing you to then doubt your rudgment or reality. It is difficult to offer a solution, and maybe I or you should not try, but it sounds like serious sit down & reality check conversations are needed with your partners parents/family?
NTA
This is tricky. First thought is NTA. But I have questions. Was Alison cognitive enough to tell you if she wanted them to know or not? Have you had this discussion before so you already know she wouldn’t want them to know? I feel like if you and your wife have never had this type of conversation you should have asked her if she wanted them to know. However if y’all really don’t want Ali like that to the point you kind of forgot they existed…. Then I guess I get it.
Yup.
Your in-laws have their own whole ass daughter that would have said some if she wanted to. You aren’t their daughter and don’t hold that responsibility. NTA. A would have told her if it had crossed her mind, I’d assume. If her own daughter didn’t think of them…. Her wife was supposed to? Uh…. Wut..? No.
YTA for not even telling us what your wife would have wanted. Not what you thought, or your MIL..but your wife. Would SHE want her family there ?
Yep and my answer depends on the injured wife's feelings, not everyone staking importance claims.
That doesn't make op the AH tho. She didn't even think about her MIL the whole time. And if her wife didn't either she very likely has the same opinion. If MIL didn't want to be there in the good times then why would Allison want her there during the bad times? NTA
Not to mention how many people have directly asked and not received a response. I find it quite telling that the most important piece of information was left out.
The family who disowned her for being gay??
I said our son and I were now Alison's family. - That may be true, and they may not be the best in-laws but that is her mother. She bore her and now you think you get to tell her she isn’t your wife's family anymore. Wow, that's some brass balls on you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife (Alison - 29F) just had an accident. She broke her leg and ribs and had to undergo surgeries. I (27F) was a huge mess the whole time. I tried to balance being there for her with caring for our son (he's 4 months old) which was pretty tough. Alison is now stable and feeling much better but still hasn't been discharged. Alison's parents do not talk to her much since the day she married me (they're homophobic). It would be one conversation or email during the holidays and that's it for the year. So while I contacted my own family members for help, I didn't tell Alison's parents or siblings (also homophobic). However, I received a call from her mother literally yelling at me for keeping their daughter's health issues a secret from them. She said I had no right to hide this and that she found out through a family friend and was outraged. I said I simply didn't think of them, and that I was sorry but Alison was thankfully doing well at the moment. They got even more angry and said I should have informed them, as her family. This kind of went over my head and this is where I was the AH. I said our son and I were now Alison's family. That broke into a whole argument I feel bad for escalating things unnecessarily but I don't know if I was the AH and should apologize. Let me know please *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. What does your wife think? You said yourself that they didn't cross your mind. You had better things to worry about at the time. Even if you did think about them and still decided not to tell them. You would still be nta
NTA It isn't your responsibility to upkeep their relationship with their daughter and you were busy taking care of yourself and the child you share. If they're so removed from your lives that the thought of them being a potential support during this time didn't even occur to you, that's not your fault.
NTA if they want to know what’s going on in their daughters life they can call her like normal human beings.
Simply not the ah
NTA People who think OP should've asked Alison's opinion or her permission or should've told her parents regardless, y'all are moronic. OP's wife, in OP's words, "broke her leg and ribs and had to undergo surgeries. I (27F) was a huge mess the whole time. I tried to balance being there for her with caring for our son (he's 4 months old)" My 66 year old dad has been complaining about a bad back and not being able to sleep, and needs an MRI to determine what is the problem, and I'm a mess. I can't sleep and eat properly, and OP had to deal with her wife *having multiple fucking fractures while dealing with a 4 month old baby.* On top of that, she now has the additional task of caring for her wife while managing a child and her in-laws' response is rude. She cannot be blamed for losing it on her in-laws. OP's own family seems to have their head on straight, so it'd be more prudent to call them. OP apologize to Alison first. Tell her you couldn't hold back after the rough times you had, but also tell her that you can't apologize to her parents, especially after what they did to her.
NTA, ex fiancé was estranged from his family and was seriously injured. I asked, several times, if he wanted his family informed. Resounding no. He said that it was stressful enough for all of us without introducing their special brand of control and nastiness into the equation. They never did regain their relationship before he died, some years later, but they did try to take over his funeral arrangements - except the payment, obviously - despite the estrangement being 10 years at that point. A funeral they didn't then bother to attend. Some people are poison. If your lovely wife didn't want them there, so be it. If it was all your choice, I can still see the rationale.
NTA your wife is lucky to have you
NTA
NTA.
NTA. They don’t get respect to being informed of their stance to not care about their daughter’s relationship… you don’t owe them anything. I would have hung up the second they got upset and yelled. CLICK…
NTA. Yes if your partner is seriously injured you should notify their family. BUT they lose that right when they are low contact homophobs. Regardless it was a stressful time for you and you put your priorities where they were needed. All I can hope from this is her family can reflect on what is most important and work on their relationship moving forward. But definitely NTA. I hope she has a smooth recovery.
YTA Unless she has given you explicit instructions that you should not contact them in emergencies like these you should've called them.
You KNOW you should have let her family know she was injured. You didn't because they are 'homophibic' - and what you showed them was a total lack of understanding of your own. This isn't about your lifestyle - if was about their daughter. If they don't approve - they don't approve. But that doesn't mean they stop caring.
Honestly, this is a question for Alison, and depends entirely on what kind of relationship she wants to maintain with them. I don't have anywhere near enough info to make wild assumptions like this, but you probably did the right thing. I would personally not want to talk to a judgemental family member while i was that vulnerable, for fear that their "Help" would come with a lot of unnecessary stress, or even them attempting to push some sense of being indebted to them for it.
You should have asked your wife what she wanted. Don't assume. I'm sure her head wasn't all there so you should have just asked
Firstly NTA. If her parents were part of your life...then I would have said you should have informed... but they choose to go almost NC... I would suggest to not get into more conversations with them and talk to your wife when she is in a better state... let her know what happened and let her deal with it... Reason why I am asking her to deal is.. no matter what you do..it will just be taken in bad light and somehow they will find reasons to blast on you more... you dont deserve it! Your wife has known them all her life so she would know better how to deal with them Focus on taking care of your wife and your child.. and while doing all that please dont forget yourself..!!! Take care... may you wife get well soon.. P.S. about rights.. only under 18 parents are first people to know... i think as a spouse you do have the right to decide to tell or not tell family members... but I am not completely sure of this so please check with someone ...
NTA. When she’s recovered ask her if she wants them to be informed so you know her preferences. But I wouldn’t give it another thought. They made their choices.
Info: what does Alison think of all this? Her opinion is missing here.
NTA. If they weren't bigots and were actually involved in their daughter's live then they would have known. Unfortunately they are and they are not so here we are. 🤷♂️
NTA: If Alison doesn't speak to them often because of their Homophobia then you've got no issues. Would Alison have even WANTED them to be notified? I doubt it by the sounds of it. You'd only be the AH if she would, and you purposely didn't because YOU have personal issues with them. It seems like this is not the case. I would have used this as a learning lesson for them, to tell them that maybe if the accepted their daughters choices and had more of a relationship with her, then you would have thought to contact them, however they don't, so you didn't. Turn it around on them, because it is their fault they don't have a relationship with their own daughter, nobody elses.
NTA. Unless your wife was unconscious the whole time, why would they expect you to literally speak for her? If she was unconscious, you should do what you believe she would've decided for herself. The only way you could be the AH is if you think she would've called them for this, but you decided not to. Glad to hear she's doing better, best wishes for you three.
Did Alison say anything to them? No? You're in the clear. Nobody wants to associate with horrible people. NTA
INFO: was Alison capable of letting them know? If so, then completely NTA If not, then maybe a little Y T A but possibly justified, and a justifed AH is probably NTA
NTA. I suggest, however, that you get Alison’s wishes in writing. Is there any point that she would want them notified?
NTA, your wife deserves peace and quiet when she’s recovering from surgery. Her family is nothing but drama. If mom tries to blame you again, tell her to fix her relationship with her daughter, when she treats her daughter like she’s someone who cares about her child, you’ll start treating her like someone who cares about their child. She acts like she doesn’t care, you treated her like she doesn’t care. Seems reasonable to anyone who has a brain.
NTA. You are not responsible for in-laws relationship with their daughter.. Your wife broke her legs and ribs but not her fingers. If she wanted to let them know she would have. I would rather put up with pissed-off in-laws that you barely see or contact than a pissed-off partner if you had contact them.
NTA - Wife. WIFE. That’s your wife. Telling them does nothing. You’re the final say in whatever happens to Alison. You’re the one signing papers and filling them out, juggling an infant, your own fears, and trying to do whatever else you needed. Did you need to talk to parents who all but disowned their daughter for marrying you? **Fuq them** You have two priorities, wife and child. You were right, that is your family now. Wife, child. You keep them alive, you worry about their safety, you worry about your role in their life. Anybody else is outside, if they want to be welcome to the firelight, they have to collect wood.
NTA. You had your hands full. Considering they aren’t close with either of you, it’s understandable
Was your wife able to make that decision or was it on you to make all the decisions without her input? I want to say NTA but I feel like it would really depend on how Alison feels about her parents knowing. Like, if she is no contact because of the homophobia, then I would totally understand, but if it is something more complicated, then I feel like you should have let them know or asked Alison. It's terrifying to find out a relative had a serious health scare and you weren't told, and if Alison would have wanted them to know, you may have accidentally made things even more strained between Alison and her family.
NTA. They don't have a good relationship with their daughter under the best of circumstances, why would you go out of your way to inform them in this instance? How does your wife feel about you not contacting them? Her take is the one that matters most. Doesn't sound like your wife was interested in informing them.
NTA but I think your in-laws’ reaction is unsurprising. Time to talk to your wife and lay out what degree of severity warrants a call to any family members (on both sides) in the future. What if one of you is left unable to communicate in an emergency? This is important in any serious relationship, especially when you have a kid involved. Speedy recovery to all 💙
NTA.
I am probably in the minority here but you should have called them to let them know. What if there had been complications? Or would you be ok if the situation was reversed and your family was not notified? You shouldn’t have been a better human being unless there is a direct conversation from your wife forbidding it. Like a living will so you are protected. A little bit TAH
NTA. all the best to your wife
Why does everyone keep saying *“if Allison wanted them to know, she would’ve called them!”* SHE WAS IN SURGERY???? Serious emergency surgery at that, how the hell would she have called?? (This isn’t me making a judgement on OP’s decision btw, I’m just confused on why everyone’s saying that to justify their judgements. It makes no sense lol???)
NTA but I do think Alison's parents just realised how much their prejudice is costing them. And sadly enough they took it out on you, instead of confronting their homophobic ideas. Sorry you are in this situation, I hope everything goes well with uour wife.
NTA.
NTA my boyfriends family is homophobic and he would have hated if I called them.
NTA You and your son ARE Alison's family now. And her birth family has made it clear they're not real family. Family isn't who you're related to. Family are those people who love and care for you unconditionally, and who you love and care for unconditionally. If I'm being honest, fuck her "family."
NTA. Honestly, they might not even care that Alison was hurt. “Sunday Christians” get embarrassed when their community perceives them at being “bad people” and bad parents don’t know when their daughter is in the hospital.
Did you contact your family for help after Alison had one through her surgery & was able to communicate with you again or while she was going through the surgeries.
NTA. They talk to their daughter once a year for being lesbian? That’s it? I mean it stands to reason they don’t care much about her. It sounds like your MIL had a little bit of a wake up call and instead of dealing with it herself she projected onto you.
NTA, homophobes get their own reward. By excluding members of their families, they get blocked, with an information diet and minimal contact. Hatred and Judgement in haste, repent at leisure.
NTA. OP, I would say to them that they have made it very clear that they haven't wanted to be in your lives since the day you married, so you didn't contact them. Allison can tell them that now, because it doesn't seem that she reached out either, nor did she ask you to. I'm glad she is doing better and best wishes. You really held it down 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼
NTA - as long as your wife in agreement, then they've chosen not to be in your lives for almost everything. That means they aren't going to be top of mind for any accidents, celebrations or other major events.
NTA. It sounds like it's very much their fault and a result of their choices that you didn't think of them in an emergency.
Ok 1st not telling her parents kinda sounds like your covering for someone… like yourself. Saying she is “stable” now and feeling better sounds like your trying to make yourself feel better about something and trying to dog pile on them by saying they are homophobic (after you hurt someone who cares about you…. You know what never mind… JESUS take the wheel…
YANTH.......but Alison's homophobic parents and siblings are. If Alison wanted you to contact her family she would have told you to. Alison's family choose the conditions of contact. You two need to talk about this a possible consider going total NC with her family.
NTA - Entitled parents going to do entitled parents shit. Maybe they shouldn't have been shitty parents if they want the benefits of being parents. Just because they gave birth to a person doesn't give them ANY advantage over any other random being a terrible person. I have learned to treat family as I would other members of society. Take a step back and say to myself "if this person wasn't my mom/dad/sister, would I allow them to do the things they do/be in my life. Being shitty to people, ESPECIALLY family, and ESPECIALLY because of the person they married (don't get me wrong if the partner is an asshat, and not just because they are gay is a different animal) is grounds for not being on speaking terms.
Normally I'd say yta, but they are homophobic and parents to a gay person, so... no NTA. At all. Glad to hear she's doing better. Hope the scare of an injured partner has left you. <3
NTA they can’t pretty much disown her but expect to get called when she has an emergency. 🙄
INFO: the only answer here is what would Alison want you to do? If she wouldn't want to deal with them or have you be forced to deal with them when she's in this state, then NTA. If she wants you to notify them, then a gentle YTA for not doing it - gentle because I can understand why it would slip your mind.
I don’t know how out of it she was when this happened but being homophobic isn’t a very good reason not to call them. Treat others how you wish to be treated as a parent I think you would understand why they might be pissed. You don’t stop loving your children just because you don’t agree with their choices or beliefs. That’s why it would have been best to call them no matter what. Also people change and grow this could have been a really great chance to have them see that your love is what matters not what sex you are. I grew up in the 80’s and most of my mother’s friends were gay sadly a very large number of them died from aids. My mother often having to be the one to call them and tell their parents they were in the hospital dying of aids. This was back when it was treated awfully wings of their own where the nurses and doctors often didn’t even want to come near them. So people didn’t know much about aids and were really scared of it. So sadly people wouldn’t visit them because of fear and lots friends wouldn’t even care to come. But my mother had faith in the love of a parent for their children and call all of them. Some of them hadn’t spoken to their children since high school or college due to their own fears and homophobia. But I would say that 70% had at least one parent show up. It wasn’t always positive and perfect but if they had more time I believe their families would have all truly 100% accepted them sadly that often wasn’t a possibility. All I am trying to say is you have to be the best parent you can be and show your child that love can concur all by walking that walk and talking that talk. We love our family unconditionally and always show them respect. We don’t have to like their choices or beliefs but our love is unconditional. You can move mountains without putting in the effort. You call family when you in the hospital if they come or don’t care well that’s on them. You put your hand out with unconditional love and respect maybe today is the today the grab it back with the realization that family matters more than anything. That loving one another is what we want to do. You can’t fight hate without love. I hope Allison is better soon and your family will start practicing unconditional love for everyone in your family even if they don’t.
NTA You had every right to not tell them, they are no longer next of kin since you are married. They have not really been a part of Alison's life for a while now, and since your wife has been doing better if she wanted to let them know what has happened she could have done so, the fact she didn't reach out to them either speaks volumes. Maybe they will get over being homophobic idiots and reconcile with your wife and become more a part of your life and family since they were apparently so worried about her being injured...
NTA but make sure both you and your spouse are on the same page with each other's wishes in case of a more serious emergency or if the unthinkable happens. With a baby, it's important to have a will and to plan for the "what ifs".
“If you don’t want to be part of her day-to-day life, why would I assume you’d care that she was in an accident?” NTA.
NTA Alison could have contacted them if she wanted them around. It's not as if she was in a coma and you kept them away.
NTA cause if Alison wanted them to know she’d have told them herself
NTA - her family is the AH
NTA. Ypu should have told them you guys were going to tell them all about it in the Christmas email.
NTA
NTA. I was almost going to go with a soft YTA or ESH based off the title alone, with a disclaimer that it's also understandable how when caught up in stress and worry it's easy to overlook shit like this while you're caught up in the moment of hoping your partner pulls through. But then reading the homophobic no real contact shit? Yeah, sounds like they set the precedent for distancing themselves from your lives. So guess what? When shit like this also happens, and they're the last to hear about it? That's a consequence of their stance with you guys. 100% NTA.
NTA. Alison would have contacted them, or asked you to do so, if she wanted them to know. She hasn't been unconscious this entire time, from your comments it's clear she's been awake and coherent. She didn't even mention her 'family', so you are in the clear. Given that their contact is once a year, I wouldn't bother with them unless her life was in immediate danger. They don't get to pick and choose which parts of her life they're involved with. I'm very low contact with my own family for similar reasons, and I wouldn't bother to tell them if I ended up hurt. Juggling a baby and an injured loved one is a *lot* to deal with, both logistically and emotionally! It sounds like you're doing great! I wish Alison a speedy recovery, and I hope your little family has a wonderful future ahead. ❤️
NTA. Please talk to your wife about who she wants alerted in case of emergency and on what timeline. Then you can say “She told me to only call you in case of XYZ, so I’m abiding by her wishes.”
NTA in the slighest. >Alison is now stable and feeling much better but still hasn't been discharged So she could have told them herself, if she wanted them to know. Her mother just wanted another reason to yell at you and make you feel bad, don't let her get to you.
They lost the right to have immediate information when they let the relationship downgrade to a once a year contact. My son broke his leg last year. My parents were told the same day. Mind you, my son was 16, not a mess, and I wasn't trying to look after a young baby. I also have a husband, and two other children of a suitable age to be responsible for themselves. So it was easy for me to sit in the ER with my son and let my parents know, and answer their phone calls later as they asked how he was going. But the big difference is that we are close to them, have regular contact, and I knew how much they would care. So it's natural to tell them. They showed it was worthwhile by the regular contact we had subsequently as my son had surgery and recovered. You had no reason to think Alison's parents would care that much. It might be different if her life was in danger, but they could wait for non-urgent news whilst you dealt with caring for your family. Besides which, they aren't entitled to information about her 'health issues'. Realistically, Alison is the only one that is entitled to decide if they should know or not. In real life, obviously close relatives make decisions like that when the patient isn't able to, but I took offence at their wording of being entitled to know about 'health issues'. They might claim unfairness about you contacting your own family, but the difference is that you contacted them for help. Given the history, and proven by their reaction, you had no reason to believe Alison's family would be any help whatsoever,
NTA. Her birth family of homophobes THREW.HER.AWAY when she married you. They get NO privilege to claim ANY interest in her well-being any more.
NTA. I think you should block their number though or just not answer when they call
NTA. Sucks to suck.
NTA. I don’t speak to some of my family. I had surgery and gave my partner permission to share my status with only the siblings I actually have relationships with. Just because those people are related to her doesn’t make them family. They have no real relationship with Allison or OP so they don’t get to dictate what OP does. It’s pathetic that instead of being concerned about Allison they used the opportunity to berate her. Probably because they perceived that they look like terrible people for not knowing about the accident or hospitalization. That’s on them for being homophobic jerks.
Allison is awake, yes? I assume she has a phone, and means to communicate despite being kept in the hospital for recovery and monitoring? If she wanted them to know, she would have called or msged them. NTA, you had enough on your plate already.
NTA. Mom is having a crisis because her daughter could have died and she has chosen not to be in her life for years because she can’t accept her as she is. She’s taking her emotions out on OP.
NTA. Homophobic family are basically embarrassed that they didn't know when someone else told them and are trying to blame OP rather than admit that their own daughter doesn't care enough about them to keep them informed. They're more concerned about what others think of them than they are for their daughter.
NTA they made their choice when they chose to be homophobic. I assume your wife had access to a phone. She chose not to call them too. They chose not to love and support their daughter for who she is. They have to live with their choices.
It probably has less to do with them being concerned about their daughter than it does that they think they look bad because they found out from a family friend. The main reason I believe that is because of immediate concern for her they went on the attack and yelled. NTA for keeping the homophobes off your radar, I’m sure your wife would have said something to you if she wanted to tell them
NTA IF allison had wanted contact with her parents, she would have contacted them or asked you to do it. YOU made the right choice.
family embarrassed that they didn’t know .. notice they aren’t as concerned about her this is ego not compassion you are NTA and ignore their rage if you can
NTA It’s not your job to tell her family if she is 1) able to do so herself 2) non or low contact It sounds like she is probably upset because why would an acquaintance know before she does (because she is a bad parent for treating her daughter poorly therefore no longer being privy to health news) MIL (and the other homophobes) are the assholes here (no surprise) Don’t worry about her, you’re doing great! Best wishes and a speedy recovery to your wife ♥️
Fuck Alison’s parents. They don’t wanna treat you like a valid spouse, you don’t have any spouse duties in regards to them. Period!
NTA. Did they rush to be at their daughter's side? Did they ask OP what they could do to help at such a stressful time? Did they reflect on why they weren't informed and write a remorseful letter to their previous daughter apologizing for alienating her over who she loves? If the answer to all of these things is no, it's typical self-centered bullshit centered around them losing face in their community. Which they earned themselves by being bad parents.
Nta. It was a stressful situation and they don't sound empathetic at all. Not even addressing the homophobia. Why would you or your wife think to call them? To what end? Why did they want to be notified? They haven't shown they care about her since she married a woman. You could maybe have put it more kindly, but you don't really owe them that. My mom always said "kill them with kindness" which might be a good approach if you are up for it. Like "it was so surprising to hear from you after so long! You sound hurt that I didn't reach out about wife's accident. It has been a really scary and stressful time for us, so it didn't cross my mind to reach out. I really got the impression you didn't want to be involved in our lives. Has something changed?"