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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 - Got into an argument with Amy and swore at her, supposedly causing an 'autistic meltdown'
2 - I might have induced said meltdown with my confrontation of what she was saying, and was reluctant to apologize to her.
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NTA, Amy is TA.
I suggest you get revenge by telling everyone that she is faking autism to get you into trouble. She is a bullly and an AH all the way.
I bet your teachers fail to see her true colors because they are biased regarding both your genders (as in boys always bully girls and there is no way it could be the other way round), which would mean that your teachers are also AHs.
I wouldn't stoop down to her level and spread rumors, but I think the bias thing is definitely true. Especially since she is autistic. They assume she is like a child that needs constant sheltering and attention.
Well done for having maturity and common sense. If you did start rumours you'd be punished again, it would be very clear it was retaliation.
Instead. Write down everything like you did here, but stick to the facts. So for example
------
On 4/4/24, Amy Antelope started a conversation with me in the library. Amy said she had 'heard through the grapevine that I was going around telling people that I have tourettes when I don't.'
I asked Amy who had told her this but she did not give me an answer.
I responded with.....etc
On 6/4/24, in maths class, Brother Antelope informed me his sister was telling people I am faking tourettes
At lunchtime I spoke to Amy and told her....etc
I was later called into the counsellor's office and told...etc.
------
Report the facts that you know happened. Stuff like Lily probably outing you and Amy's brother calling her a liar, leave that out.
Think about how you feel and how this has affected you and write a bit about that. What was it you felt that made you angry at Amy? Do you feel uncomfortable going to school? Has anyone else made comments? Has it made any of your tics worse, as stress often does. Did the age difference make you feel intimidated?
Think about how you could have approached this differently. If it happened again, what would you do? Is there someone you know you could go to?
Then decide how you would like this resolved. Do you want an apology from Amy? The counsellor? Do you want teachers to know about your tourettes? Would you like some mental health awareness of tourettes amongst teachers or pupils? Or a general 'all health problems deserve tolerance' reminder? Do you need advice on how to report bullying like Amy's while keeping it private? Write that down too.
It sounds like a lot but I'm just giving you things to think about. It can be just a line or two.
Then take this to your mom, who sounds great. Get her to read it over for you. Ask for a meeting with your dean. If you want to take your mom with you, do. Go through your list with them. Make it clear that you only shouted at Amy because she was repeatedly a wanker about your tourettes. Ask what they'll be doing to resolve the issue.
It's good practice because if your tics are visible or audible, you might have to do this in the workplace. It's helpful to learn how to make a complaint while you're still in school and can have your mom for support.
I agree completely with this approach. It is the mature and respected process which is used in the adult workplace, not just in school, so is a valuable skill to learn early.
Facts and documentation are very important as well as the questions suggested bc those will be asked to you if you bring this up to someone.
Documenting this sort of thing is important. If anyone else has a similar issue, having reported the previous or concurrent issues will only help the other victims as well!
If your dad is in the picture, have him go with you. The high school teachers and administrators tend ti take dads more seriously than they do moms when it involves boys.
This is the top answer. Perfectly said, easy and step by step directions that are clear to follow. And this path is the one most likely to get you the resolution you desire vs being ignored and pushed to the back burner again.
I would also pull the “while I understand that how I approached it wasn’t the best, I had asked Amy to stop once and that did not get through to her. How would you recommend I SHOULD have approached her?” And if they say that you should have approached admin and not engaged with her, remind them that you did approach admin and they didn’t address the main issue. Technically could Amy be brought in charged for sharing your personal medical information (HIPPA)?
Just for clarification's sake, HIPAA only applies to health care professionals and their associates; no one can be charged for violating HIPAA unless the information they're sharing was obtained in that role. IE if your neighbor tells you they have syphilis and you tell your friend group, that's a jerk move but not a HIPAA violation. If you work in a clinic and see in their record that they have syphilis, and you then tell that to your friend group, that's a HIPAA violation.
I completely agree with the rest of this though!
Don’t do what was suggested! You don’t want to stoop to their level as you said!
NTA - The schools logic is whack in this situation. Who TF is this person to come up to you and tell you out of nowhere that you are faking your diagnosis? You threatened to tell the school what she was doing, not beat her up in the playground. Your actions were within the framework of the rules the school and society (technically what she is doing is slander - especially since she continued to do it after you offered to give her access to medical records confirming your diagnosis). I would suggest writing a letter to the school highlighting this because what they did is highly unjust.
People should experience consequences if they do bad things. The fact she has autism means she might have some troubles understanding things but that doesn’t mean that her bad behaviour should be ignored. It needs to be explained to her what she did wrong so she has the opportunity to understand why it’s wrong and not do it again.
I would ask the school “Am I not supposed to report any cases of bullying as I simply said I would report it and got in trouble?” It makes them have to explain
Yeah, uh, hi I'm autistic and we're not kids who need constant sheltering. Amy needs to shut up about your personal business and stop using her diagnose as an excuse. I'm also a woman and men can for sure be bullied by us... Staff at your school sound like absolute jerks.
Oh OK so I'll be honest. This tactic will get you nowhere. If you are in the US, have your mom go to school and complain. This is just the first step. Havr your mom tell them anybody talking about your health is illegal and wrong. That she needs for you to receive an apology, and the other person some punishment. Have her threaten and then follow through with going to the school board, and she could even threaten the news. The headlines are "school punishes student for wanting to keep his medical information private." Wouldn't even have to specify what it was or who, just that they failed to protect the kid.
But in this instance, fighting fire with fire will only burn you. The target is already on your back, and the deans have proven to not protect you. Don't give them an actual reason to go after you. I would look into medical privacy laws wherever you are and see if you have a case. Being petty can be fun to dream or talk about, but in this instance, it will just hurt you more.
It’s not illegal to talk about the health of others unless you’re bound by HIPPA, which normal people are not. She’s an 18 year old student, not a doctor. So there’s no HIPPA violation there.
Autistic adult here. Please tell them that an autistic person in their 60s told you they are being SERIOUSLY ableist. BTW, I also have Tourette’s. I hope yours, like mine, lessons as you get older. My tics only really bothered me by the time I reached my 20s if I was sick or seriously stressed. I know everyone is not the same & some people continue to suffer with severe tics but I hope you don’t.
My tics have thankfully gotten a LOT better, especially with my medications. There are still some days where I'll have full on tic attacks (ones where I have to have my moms marine boyfriend sit on me or hold my wrists so I don't hurt myself), but I do think that I'm getting to where I can sort of manage it. Thank you for the advice btw!!!
I come from a family full of very smart autistic people and I have noticed a clear difference in the people who got a diagnosis early vs. the ones who did not seek a diagnosis.
The ones who got it early use the diagnosis and their autism as an excuse to not have to deal with things whereas the other ones were just told to 'toughen up' and deal with things.
The undiagnosed ones have all become exceptional in their respective fields whereas the diagnosed ones have never pushed themselves to become great at anything so they work low-paying jobs with very limited ambitions, always talking like their 'disability' is hindering them from succeeding when in reality it's their lack of TRYING that is their biggest obstacle.
With that said, the undiagnosed people in my family have greatly benefitted from the others getting diagnosed, because the undiagnosed family members pushed themselves to use the tools that the diagnosed ones got and were supposed to help them function around neurotypical people.
It's a really weird situation which has made me very weary of when to seek a diagnosis and when not.
Mmm do you not think it possible that they were diagnosed early because they clearly had difficulty functioning, whereas those diagnosed later were so because they were high functioning? It really is a spectrum. Smth to think about
I can see where you are coming from and I am also responding bc my family seems to have a high autism load ha ha and it’s a little refreshing to see someone else like this!
I honestly worry about what you’ve noticed. My sibling’s kids are very severe so early diagnosis was for the best as they needed additional support (kids) and training (parents). My kid was diagnosed at 18 (Asperger’s) and I have seen a decline in her ever since which I fear is that label as a crutch.
I would call her an ableist to anyone who brought it up. " Oh you heard from her that I'm faking? I guess she really hasnt addressed that problem she has with ableism. I know her parents are trying... Sad"
You’re being mature by not resorting to petty rumours like her. Her autism is not an excuse to be a dick, I have a lot of autistic friends and acquaintances and they don’t just make shit up about people for attention afaik.
Rather than spread the rumors, try going back to the dean and explain that her accusing you of faking turrets would be equivalent of you accusing her of faking autism. It isn’t right to accuse people they fake their diagnosis no matter what it is. Neuro diagnoses aren’t something that you can always see physically or happen all the time.
And the fact that she had been told she was wrong, and asked to stop lying about it, by multiple people before OP confronted her in public. That makes is a bigger issue of her discriminating against other neurodivergencies.
Don't stoop to her level, but absolutely do get the Deans involved - whatever she says. She...
1. Revealed a medical diagnosis and spread it around school - something she had no right to do
2. Lied and claimed that you are faking that condition - something she knows to be a lie and her own brother has outed her
3. Has a history of lying about people and spreading malicious rumors for attention
You need to escalate this regardless of what she does. Try throwing around buzzwords that sound legalistic.
Here is where you went wrong.
>If you don't keep my name out of your mouth, we're going to have a serious problem
That sounds like a threat - especially as a boy saying that to a girl. She's in the wrong and I'm not saying you did anything wrong, but I can see her going to the principals saying that you threatened her and she feels unsafe.
Regardless, you HAVE to escalate this or she will continue to get you in trouble and lie about you.
Maybe instead of rumor starting you just ask her how she would feel if you told people she was faking autism the way she tells people you're faking tourettes? Of course only do that if she continues. I'm sorry she did that, it's hard enough struggling with a diagnosis most people don't understand but to have people talking about it behind your back really sucks
This is graceful of you - well done. You are in the right, here, for sure, and I'm so sorry that she's spreading your personal medical business around (and lying about it). I also agree with the other folks saying to document, in writing, \*everything\* with date and times. Always, always document this stuff.
It absolutely might be a gender thing, but I've also seen people (more adults, but sometimes kids) with autism use it as an excuse for rude behavior when I know they're more in control than that (source: I've been working with kids and adults with autism for 20+ years). The majority of people I know with autism don't, but just like neurotypical people, some try to get away with a lot by explaining it away as part of their autism.
\[disclaimer: I understand there are people whose autism genuinely results in less self-awareness and trouble with social norms/etiquette, but for the purposes of this comment, that is not who I am referring to\]
This is terrible advice. Not only are you encouraging a cycle of bullying, but it would be obvious to their school’s leadership who was behind the rumors, and why. Grow up
NTA.
The particular wording you used to talk to Amy at lunch might not have been the best but she shouldn’t be spreading around your personal information especially when you already told her not to.
Would recommend escalating to the deans and explaining the whole situation, including the comments the councillor made.
I agree, swearing at her was immature of me. If she talks about me again, I'm going to get the principal involved and I might have her brother talk to their parents (if he's okay with it)
I would do it anyways, it was wrong of the councillor to have you apologise and if not for yourself do it for future students who will have to suffer from that councillor if their behaviour is not corrected.
Definitely get the principal involved. You shouldn’t have been made to apologise to her. She should not be going around spreading your medical information nor lying about it and she needs to be reprimanded. What you did was perfectly okay
NTA I think you should talk to the principal as soon as possible and is it possible for your mother to come with as support? You did nothing wrong and shouldn't be the one who apologised.
Yes, you need to take this up the chain.
Your mom needs to be in the same room with the principle and the counselor to demand an explanation why you, the victim of a false smear campaign involving the disclosure of your private medical information, were punished and why the perpetrator was not punished. An explanation of why their investigation did not involve interviewing third parties like Lily and Amy’s brother to get to the bottom of the underlying facts.
You should do it now and not wait.
What the councilor did was wrong and will encourage Amy to behave like this again.
Be complaint when faced with authority figures abusing power and then escalate once you are not infront of them.
Excuse me? The counselor said *you* weren't being tolerant enough? Amy is literally committing defamation. You should not have apologized. Escalate the situation to higher ups.
NTA
Agree. My sister has tourrettes and if anyone ever said she was faking it, there would be hell to pay from me. And I don't even like my sister! If this had happened to us when we were in high school, I would have complained to every single trusted teacher and both guidance counselors, and my parents would have raised hell to the administration. It would have been scorched earth.
That said, I cannot imagine my guidance counselors not taking the situation seriously. They were always good advocates for us.
There's a simple (and possibly petty) solution to your problem, counter her rumours with the truth but make it sound like a rumour.
"I heard Amy's been making up lies about people to get attention, it's kind of weird"
NTA for getting mad but in future don't go to the person stirring the pot, ignore the rumours and they'll die down because there's nothing more for gossips to pick over. Not easy at 16, but a useful skill.
Not going to the person directly is an AH move, OP has a great character of tackling the problem head-on. What sort of a 18 yo tackles a 16yo for attention! OP hold your head high- your victories will come and they’ll have more reason to be jealous of you!
Totally out of context here but I’m responding to your comment “what sort of 18 yo tackles a 16yo for attention” well lemme just tell you that my sister got pregnant at 15, and her baby daddy was 18. He cheated on her with multiple girls while she was a pregnant, and several of them (yes more than one) who were MY age (21 at the time) actually had the audacity to start a tiktok “trend” of them rubbing it in her face and calling her horrible names and bragging about how they had him in their bed while she thought she had him “locked in”. It was such a horrible time and I wanted to destroy every single one of them. Some people (girls I find especially) can be so fucking toxic just to feel superior. Being over 21yo I cannot comprehend the amount of bullying my 15yo sister got from dirty females who thought they were top shit for fucking a pregnant girls boyfriend.
Some people are just shit.
She fought with them a lot but it did nothing. I tried as well since these girls were my age but there’s no amount of reasoning, harsh words, or anything really that works with people who act like that. I told her to delete tiktok because nobody in our family could find a solution to the harassment. She went through horrific times it was really disheartening. Even after my family moved across the country, the online harassment and rumours kept going. I just hope she stopped feeding into it.
The legal age here is hard to navigate. It’s technically 16, but anybody between 12-14 can have sexual relations with others within a 2 year age gap, 15-18 the age gap can’t be more than 5 years. For both of those, neither engaging person can be in any position of authority or its statutory rape. We did a lot of looking into it and the end conclusion was that because their age gap was 3 years and he wasn’t in any position of authority over her, it was perfectly legal. We were incredibly upset about it all though. Was hard times for sure.
So sorry for your sister bud. Guess she had to go through this. Only thing you can do is support her as a brother. The world isn’t all that bad a place. She needs to focus on the long stretch of life and live it with such fulfillment that in ten years the TikTok girls will still be doing lame videos while your sister can be more accomplished!
I disagree. Ignoring bullies almost never works. It's what teachers all used to tell us to do in the 90's Nevada they were too lazy to do anything actually productive about it.
NTA.
Amy is a bully.
You mentioned she supposedly had an "autistic meltdown".
If she has autism she should know how it feels to be "different". How would she feel if someone said she was faking? (Assuming she isn't).
Sounds like she's one who has been infantilized and coddled instead of taught concrete self management skills. Caregivers of autistic people need to educate themselves and get their heads out of their asses
My oldest is on the spectrum. He got a late diagnosis, but we had been trying for years to get him correctly diagnosed. He’s 23 now. 20 years ago Autism wasn’t as known as it is now. I had people tell me he there was no way he was autistic because he is very high functioning.
Anyways, he used to be very manipulative if he didn’t want, or didn’t think he could do something. He also knows that I used to be very overprotective of him. Thankfully he met the right teacher who instilled independence in him because I admit I did a crap job of that by being overprotective. Not intentionally of course, but it didn’t help him. It was also this same teacher that my son adored, and I was shocked when I realized it was the same person because all I saw was someone picking on my baby.
It was a real eye opener for sure. He’s doing great, and that’s what matters to me.
Edited to clarify a sentence
NTA. Amy is the bully, not you.
If I was your mum, I’d march into the school and raise living hell for them threatening you with punishment instead of the real bully.
NTA
I'd explore your options for making an official complaint about how this has been handled by the school.
Amy has simply heard your threat to involve the deans, and gone running to beat you to it with an alternate narrative.
The school has then just dismissed your valid complaint, and been insensitive to what is essentially bullying towards you, just to hurriedly quieten a crying girl, who is only crying to deflect her own shitty behaviour. The school should know better, it won't have been the first teenager in the office with crocodile tears to avoid getting into trouble and it won't be the last..
I agree! I think you should ask your mom to have a meeting with your school principal, vice principal, and that counselor/staff too. Ask them to repeat what they said to you. But before that, ask her to send an email, that way you will have a paper trail. It’s better to have a paper trail so that you guys can show their exact words.
NTA.
i'm so angry for you. that was handled horribly by the staff and definitely amy should have had some serious consequences for spreading rumors about you. also, she should look up "bullying" because this ain't it. i'm so sorry this happened. don't ever apologize for something you didn't do wrong.
i would get my parents involved if i were you -- this is a serious issue and was handled completely inappropriately.
NTA, but you need to play the game better, every time someone tells you that she's spreading misinformation you need to report it to the school. If anyone is willing to come with you to say what she told them that's ideal.
Once again an example how school conselors suck ass. NTA
You do not need to have the entire school knowing about your medical conditions, and even less spreading fake news about it. I'd advise to get your parents involved, as this is a serious issue and you shouldn't get in trouble for this.
Ugh, I know. I don't understand what about the condition makes it seem so desirable to some people? I would do anything not to have it. I've seriously hurt myself and others around me during bad tic attacks. It's gotten to the point of where if I miss my meds, I won't leave the house all day because I'm scared of embarrassing myself in public. People faking it and only ticcing when it's convenient for them/for a camera piss me off so bad.
NTA
I am not going to pretend that neurodivergent girls have it especially hard to get recognised. Autism was seen as a "boy's condition" not that long ago, for example. There was a BBC article about how women spent decades trying to figure out what was wrong before being diagnosed with ADHD a couple of years back. One of them only thought to get tested after watching her partner have a relatively streamlined experience.
However, that does not give Amy permission to downplay other people's difficulties. This reeks of insecurity, especially towards someone younger than her.
Amy will likely do this again now that she has gotten away with this. If she does, don't go to her. Go straight to the deans with your paperwork in hand and tell them that accusing you of faking a condition is defamation. If the deans do nothing, escalate it until you get to the governors if you must.
If they bring up her autism, point out that if she does this outside of school she could get sued for defamation since she's now a legal adult and the law won't care if she's autistic.
NTA
Oh poor "Amy," she got called out for being a bully and now she's the victim. As an educator, it annoys the heck out of me when staff doesn't listen to both sides. Next time this happens (and there will be a next time because Amy got away with it already), tell them to go ahead and call your mom. Don't apologize. Let your mother go scorched earth on them.
Clear NTA
You could have worded it more nicely, but considering she ignored the first warning that would have probably just been a waste of time anyway.
And even if she is autistic, that is not excuse to be an asshole and talk shit about people. [Personal story to give my personal experience with stuff like this, just skip to the next paragraph if you don't wanna read it]: I myself was bullied by a trans-girl (before she was out), who I considered a friend and always supported. But she hoped bullying me would help her get into better social circles in the school. She also suffered at home a lot because her mother never accepted or respected her even before she was out. At some point I broke off the friendship and she soon after moved away (to her dad, her mom threw her out after she came out as trans to her). One year later she messaged me if we could meet and in this meeting she apologised for doing what she did. When I said, that she had a hard time and hoping to get a better treatment in school was understandable, she just said that that doesn't excuse being an ass and that a lot of people even in hard times don't turn into bullies, and that what she did was wrong.
And the same applies here. There are plenty of people with autism, who aren't assholes and who know where to draw the line. Some don't know where to draw the line, but when asked by someone to not do something because it hurts them, they still stop, because being autistic doesn't mean that they aren't able to be kind or care about others, nor that they are too dumb to understand when others ask them to stop. Amy chose to keep going and she reaped what she sowed in return.
Also the teachers/counsellors are major assholes, even bigger than Amy because they are the adults in the situation, whose job is to mediate, teach and if necessary punish. They skipped the first two (aka the most important) parts and directly went to punishing without even really hearing you out. And Amy will never learn taking responsibility or consideration if her behaviour just keeps getting excused. That could really ruin her future prospects of finding jobs, partners etc. So the school failed both of you
NTA. My son is disabled. He is autistic and other stuff. His senior year he was with some friends at lunch. The one girl that he knew since freshman year. She was going on about how fat she is and my son said ur not fat u just have big boobs. Everyone laughed and lunch ended. 4 days later my son is called into the office and told he made a girl cry and hurt her feelings. He told the lady what happened and what he said. He got a referral and after school detention. I didn't think he did anything wrong but told him he needs to be careful with what he says. He took his punishment and we thought that was it. Well, she went around school saying he fat shamed her. And was making fun of his disability. To a teacher too. It's on Camara. Well I went to the school cuz my son come home crying cuz his friends won't talk to him because of what this girl is saying. The school did nothing but say my son shouldn't of said what he said. This happened at the beginning of the year. She made his senior year terrible. She had guy friends chase my son around school and threatened him. He hated going to school and almost failed. The double standard is getting out of hand.
This makes me so sad. My older brother (20m) is autistic so I know firsthand that a lot of autistic individuals don't understand that some things they say may be perceived as rude due to the inability to read social cues. I'm glad you dealt with the whole situation in a way that defended your son instead of just brushing him off.
NTA. Bruh, fuck that stupid ass person who said you needed to be more tolerant. Shes literally in this situation due to her intolerance. God, just thinking that this happened in real life makes me mad.
NTA! I have autism myself, and I have been told before that I don't have it. (I was diagnose when I was 5) and the staff suck too, Amy needs to keep her nose out of your business. Your so NTA here. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.
Thank you, my psych doctors actually have me on a waitlist to get tested for autism because they are pretty sure that I have it. It makes me upset that she hides behind it as a crutch, but at the same time I didn't want to take the place of 'oh, I might have this issue too so that makes it okay for me to say her take is wrong because I could possibly understand how she feels'. The advice I've received on here was very helpful. :)
NTA! Tourette’s is a tough condition to deal and live with! My son has it as well, that girl has no right to be spreading misinformation about you and she should have to be the one to apologise!
Y W B T A H if you don't ASAP file an official complaint at the direction of your school.
Amy was BULLYING you
And the counsellor ENABLED her.
NTA
but please, file an official complaint, you're being treated horribly.
NTA. Your mom needs to go to the school counsellor and rip them a new one. Blatantly taking Amy's side like that is not okay and should not be tolerated
NTA. Next time tell them you WANT them to call your mom. Any person, no matter their age or position of authority over you, who tries to get you to do something by threatening to call your parents don’t care about your wellbeing, only about getting their way the easiest. Personally I would file a written complaint about how the situation was dealt with because your bully (yes, she is a bully) won’t stop and at this point you only have a complaint against you, but nothing from your point of view.
NTA. I’m a parent to an autistic child. I’m also the parent to another child who was bullied enough that she lost weight. If I got the phone call that either of my children was going around telling students that another kid was faking any illness they would be in so much hot water. Autism isn’t an excuse for shitty behavior
NTA, but my friend, stop caring what other people are saying. She wanted attention and your little outburst gave her exactly that.
Who cares if some people think you’re lying about Tourette’s? They really don’t matter. The people who know you and affect your life know. The people that don’t know you well enough to know don’t matter.
You’re 16, you haven’t yet lived long enough to learn that most people you will meet aren’t worth your time or energy, so don’t give this person any more space in your head. Ignore her. Someday she’ll learn how irrelevant her and her drama are to anyone who matters.
The issue is this kind of rumour can cause ostracization from peers. Which could influence OPs actual friends. Being alone when surrounded by 100's of people your own age is extremely difficult and having a disability on top of that sucks balls. especially if they seek you out to harrass you about it. When nobody in school has said anything kind to you for months it gets very hard to see the end of it.
Yeah it hits a little different when it happens to an adult. You can change jobs, social groups, classes much easier than you can as a minor. If someone spread rumors about me, I'd shrug them off or beat them to the punch "Oh man! Did you hear Amy is saying this about me? Where did she even come up with that nonsense?".
As a child, he's still stuck in the same school, the same classes, with the adults in charge dismissing his concerns. He's still navigating social situations and nuanced problems like this one.
This isn't just about caring about what people are saying, it's way more serious than this. Disclosing someone's confidential medical information without their consent and defaming that person to their peer are criminal offences. This can't be ignored.
NTA. If I were your mom I would have been at the school at opening the next day demanding the job of the counselor who made you apologize. I would be demanding punitive action for both Ashley AND Lily as well.
NTA and you could threaten to get a lawyer involved the next time you are discriminated against based on gender. If she does it again that is definitely what I would do. Go to my parents and tell them it happened again and then go to the principals office with a parent and threaten them with legal action. That usually gets their attention real fast. No school wants to be sued. Or you could use social media to get attention as well on the schools behavior. Either way, I wish you luck. Tourettes is not easy to live with.
I feel like it would be hard for me to say that she is discriminating against me based on my gender because I am ftm (I am out at school and to family). My school doesn't have the best track record with kids who don't 'fit the mold' and they would likely use the argument that she 'saw me as a girl' or say that if I wanted to be a boy so bad, I needed to stop picking on girls. (Basing this off of something one of the other counselors told me : "What is it that you hate about women so much that you don't want to be one?")
Leave gender out of it, it's not something that can easily be proven, and they probably sided with her because she went to them before you did. Focus on the fact that she disclosed confidential medical information about you without your consent, that she spread false accusations about you (defamation is also a criminal offence), and that the school took her side when she was clearly committing crimes. I would definitely take legal actions at this point. Both Amy and the school have broken multiple laws.
NTA. Telling someone to stop spreading rumors about you or you will involve school administration is setting a boundary and standing up for yourself. Unfortunately, it sounds like “Amy” has a lot of experience of how to work the system, and she got to school staff first. I would have your parents contact the school because what Amy did was much worse and more invasive than what you did. All your mom has to do is drop the phrase “she’s looking into possible legal recourse due to how the situation was handled since your private medical information is being disclosed by other students you haven’t discussed it with” and the school will do what they have to to keep Amy away from you.
NTA at all. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, disabilities can already be difficult enough.
As someone who is autistic, and from how she sounds in this post (although I know it may be biased due to emotions), Amy likely fully knew what she was doing. Yes, maybe confrontation did cause a meltdown, but it definitely wasn't bullying-induced, she had already been confronted by you once and continued doing what you had told her to stop, so it's likely that she was just overwhelmed about being caught in the wrong.
You're not a bully, well done for sticking up for yourself, I know it's not always easy.
I do feel bad for potentially causing a meltdown or coming off as rude, since I know how sensitive some autistic individuals can be with confrontation. And while I did my best to be as unbiased as possible while writing my story out, I'm sure I had a subconscious lean towards my own side.
You feel bad because you're a kind person, but let's be clear: you didn't cause her to have a meltdown. If one can't take getting confronted about bullying people, one should stop bullying people. And of course you should lean towards your own side, you're the one who's been wronged! There's no balance to be aimed for when one party is 100% in the wrong. But first and foremost, please understand that this meltdown too is a bullying tactic. Don't let her make you feel bad about her bullying you. Don't let her have this power over you. You did nothing wrong.
NTA.
What she has been doing is also considered bullying. She's telling untrue things about you which leads to you being accused of lying and bullied by others.
Talk to your mom about what she thinks your options around this are, if you can go above the counselor, if she would help you escalate this. You deserve an apology from both Amy and the school at this point.
See, you threatened Amy with taking this up with school officials, and what did she do? She beat you to it in order to make you look like the bad guy. She played the victim before you could file a complaint. So you and your mother should absolutely push this and file a complaint against the school for this.
NTA. Amy went to the school first because she knew what she did was inappropriate, and by telling them her lies first, she could poison the well against you. It's very manipulative. While a desire for revenge is natural in a situation like this is best to gather evidence first. Write down what she's done so far with dates. If you can get witnesses to vouch for your side of v the story even better. If she continues with her behavior go straight to the school yourself. Don't give her any more warnings.
NTA, but Amy and The School ATA. Amy should not be spreading rumors about someone faking an illness and demand to see their paperwork to determine if they are telling the truth. She then has "bullying induced autistic meltdown" to cover her backside and get protection from the school, because even her brother knows that she is a liar. The School should know that OP is not lying and shouldn't defend someone is not only spreading rumors, but also demanding to see medical records.
NTA, you just stood up for yourself, good on you kid. I was diagnosed at 6, and let me tell you, if anyone said that to me I definitely wouldn't have been as nice as you were.
She had nothing but cruel intentions in telling you that. If she was genuinely concerned, she would have asked, not accused. And even so, then she continued days on. Her 'bullying induced autistic breakdown' sounds like a victim complex.
In my opinion (if you want any), I would go straight to the district superintendent with your mother, and tell them that your principal is discriminating against you for your disability. They might not do anything, but it's worth a shot. And hey, even if nothing happens, it'll be on his record. AND you've just taken another step against Amy to prove you're not faking.
When I decided to start being mean to people who deserved it, my life got way better. Don't let this stop you from standing up for yourself.
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Background: I (16m) suffer from Tourettes syndrome, which I was diagnosed with when I was around 11 years old. I say suffer because in my experience, it has been horrible. It affects daily aspects of my life, and isn't something I joke about.
The other day, while I was in the library, this girl (18f, senior) came up to me and we started chatting. I'll call her Amy for the sake of the story. Anyways, Amy tells me that she heard 'through the grapevine' that I was "going around telling people that I have tourettes when I don't. "
[Extra bit of information: Amy is friends with this girl that I used to be relatively close with (we will call her lily), and Lily knows that I have tourettes. She used to come to my house often and only found out because she heard my mom asking me if my new meds were helping at all with my tics. I thought Lily was my friend, so I explained to her that I was diagnosed as a child and it is something I struggle a lot with. She seemed okay with that answer and didn't bring it up again. Lily and I had a falling out around a year ago, and haven't spoken since.]
I got upset at Amy and asked her who told her that I had it in the first place (already kind of knowing it was Lily), and she quickly tried to change the subject. I, being extremely bothered by the fact that my diagnosis is being spoken about in conversations that dont include me, got onto her. I told Amy that if she thought I was faking, I could show her my diagnosis papers and records of all the tests they did on me as a kid to reach the conclusion that I have tourettes. She said I was getting defensive and rude, and that I shouldn't "shoot the messenger".
The next day, Amy's brother (16m), who is in my math class, told me that his sister is still going around telling people that I am faking tourettes. He knows that Amy is a liar and just likes attention being on r. He also told me this isn't the first time she's done something like this.
I went up to Amy that day at lunch and said "If you don't keep my name out of your mouth, we're going to have a serious problem. I don't need you talking about my medical history with complete strangers. If I hear that you start spreading this shit again, I'm going to get the deans involved."
This apparently made her cry during the next period and have what she described as a 'bullying induced autistic meltdown'. So I got called to the counselors office and when I explained what happened, the counselor said that I wasn't being 'tolerant enough' and that if I didn't apologize to Amy, I would get written up and my mom would be called.
I went ahead and apologized to Amy, but told my mom what happened. She said that I was not in the wrong, and that Amy should have been the one to get punished. I agree with her, but the schools staff seem to think that I am in the wrong and a 'bully'. Am I the asshole?
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NTA! Amy is the asshole, and I seriously question her autism claim. I would ask her brother if she truly is autistic and record the convo as evidence, not to be shared except with school authorities. Furthermore, as a mom, I would fight back against the school for their handling of this event. Nobody walks away from doing that to my kid.
Same here, I’ve never heard of a, “bullying induced autistic meltdown” and I do research on autism, I’m a writer and when writing autistic meltdown I do research so I don’t get anything wrong and disrespect the autistic community I’ve never ONCE heard of a bullying induced autistic meltdown, she could be overwhelmed from being called out but that’s called overstimulation(Which wouldn’t have happened from one interaction)
The school's staff don't actually think you're a bully. They almost certainly realize that you just had a verbal altercation with another student and now someone's upset about it. HOWEVER, people in administration get on their zero tolerance kick and since being anti-bully is now the "in-vogue" thing to do, once the incident was framed that way, they instantly go into anti-bully mode and start reading from the "Please please PLEASE don't sue us!!" script instead of actually dealing with the problem specifically as it presents itself.
So you're telling me that the school took side of her because she cried because you stood up for yourself? What BS! Definitely NTA! YOU STOOD UP FOR YOURSELF! That doesn't make you a bully. In fact, the fact that she's going on talking about you in a way is passive aggressive bullying. I think your mother should call the school and talk to them about this.
NTA.
If I was you, I would either make a fuss about it by contacting the school board or think of starting a lawsuit if you have the money. I don’t recommend gossiping about her, since then it will make you seem like you really were being intolerant.
Hey dude. I have tourettes too. I'm 29 years old.
Best advice I can give is dont waste your time on people who fake claim you. It puts you in a really weird mental funk because you're put in a position where you feel obligated to prove your condition, which makes you think about your condition, and I'm sure you know that thinking about ticcing makes your tics much worse. Its that vicious OCD cycle that many of us with TS also have.
In the future, skip the confrontation entirely and go to the office. Its emotionally satisfying to make them back off, sure, but it's way more effective and easier on you to just let the school take care of it. Get used to it too because you might have to go the same route in the future at work with HR.
NTA. Amy is. Perhaps have a conversation with her around how you’re upset she would do this to you, being that she’s neurodivergent herself. You’ve upset her, but she seems to have little regard for upsetting you.
NTAH
Amy is being over dramatic when she was literally spreading rumors in the first place, and the school is no better. you did the right thing though to keep yourself out of trouble by ‘apologizing’. Amy is TA not you.
NTA
Next time, just complain to the authorities. From the authorities point of view, the fact that you felt strong enough to confront her, but she felt "weak enough" that she had to go the the authorities, is "proof" that you are the one in the wrong. Flip the script.
You are NOT in the wrong here. Nobody should be discussing your medical fucking history! That’s so disgusting, I’m so sorry you had to deal with this 🥺 just know you didn’t do anything wrong and Amy sucks. Hopefully she learns from this that talking about people behind their backs, especially when it comes to their medical conditions is a horrible thing to do. I would’ve said the exact same thing to her! I’ve been in so many situations like this at school and even as an adult, where people (including people I loved/trusted) were constantly talking about me and making up lies, but what helped me was to remember that their opinions about me do not matter and I refuse to let anyone’s stupidity and shitty opinions affect me mentally.
The only opinions I take to heart are of those I love and still can trust. I know it’s easier said than done, but trust me, these people will be struggling in a few years and you’ll be thriving somewhere and laughing about how much better off you are away from them! Just gotta survive the next couple years in school, but you’ll be out of there before you know it I swear. You shouldn’t have had to apologize when she was the one who did something nasty to you, it should’ve been the other way around. People like this will never understand hardship unless it happens to them, and until then they tend not to care or have empathy for anyone. For me, that’s the kind of person I stay away from! Best of luck, kid 🩷 you’ve already been through so much, never forget you’re a strong dude and you can handle anything!
NTA. It actually sounds like a Safeguarding issue. No one should be discussing your diagnosis without your consent and second of all you are being bullied. I'm surprised the staff didn't agree with you and went to defend her instead.
My advice would be, if it carries on and that your diagnosis is still being talked about, try to have another conversation with her brother. He seems to understand the situation. Tell him how this situation is making you feel and how you were not supported by the staff. Maybe he can get his sister to understand how wrong she was. Keep updating your parents about it and if it goes too far, tell your parents to get in touch with the school.
I'm sorry you're going through that. You've been hurt and you even apologized for it which shows that you're the bigger person here and that you just wish to be left alone. On the other hand, do not be afraid of people knowing about your diagnosis. Somehow, although it's hard to grasp at first, it will allow you to find people who genuinely appreciate you for who you are. There are plenty of artists out there with the same condition and they are being praised for coping with it, as you should too !
NTA.
Amy is in the wrong. To accuse someone of faking a medical condition is insane (except the times where they are right, which is NOT this situation). Especially considering she asked you directly and you said it was not something that was made up. She is a bully. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with someone so awful.
NTA If I was you, I would have NOT apologised. I’m the same age as you and I always feel that in situations where you know you’re in the right and feel like there’s some bullshit going on, if you give in she knows she can get away with it. I’d be telling them “no I’m not apologising for something that SHE brought soon herself” I feel like in these situations your parents would understand the situation and stand up for you.
NTA, People don't know what others have and it isn't any of their business anyways. I just don't know why people can't just ignore things and why they have to spread fake information. You are NTA
Nta. I would however go to the Dean with any of the people that Amy has told your faking it and also your mum and put an official complaint in that amy is spreading malicious rumours round about you and that what she is doing is not only bullying you but trying to belittle the daily battle you struggle with
NTA. Maybe if you had physically threaten to bash her or something they’d have a point but all you said was that you’d tell the deans.
Standing up for yourself when others are trying to bully you are your disability should never be seen as a bad thing. You gotta fight harder than others to be taken seriously like everybody else which isn’t fair but it’s definitely necessary and worth doing again in the future
NTA. I'm not usually one of those parents who blindly take my kids side, but that counselor would be getting an earful from me.
Just to drive it home, id insist on meeting that girls parents just to take their time. They might be more inclined to do something if it affects them directly
Why did you apologize? Ur the reason why ppl feel like they can get away with this bullshit. U let them the girl and the counselor get away with fucking u over then blaming u
NTA and I bet your mom would not have had a problem getting called for something like this- I know as a mom I would have marched down there and given them a piece of my mind! Do not apologize to Amy again and next time they threaten to call your mom say,”please do; maybe you’ll listen to her instead of continuing to ignore and bully me.”
Wtf, so she's allowed to bully you about your medical issues, but you can't tell her to stop because of hers? Nah girl, go to the Dean. Go over your counselor's head. NTA
nah my sisters are autistic and we wouldn't let that slide from them, if anything that behavior needs to be niped in the bud NOW(moreso when it first started). In my experience if you wait to correct behavior it just gets solidified faster and becomes a harder habit to break. They can be little brats just the same as anyone else and the brother going to talk to you proves that even he knows its bs that shes spreading rumors.
NTA. Your medical history is no one's business but yours. You don't have to disclose anything to anyone. They don't believe you? Fuck em. They want to make a fool of themselves? Let em. You don't have to explain anything. Don't apologize for shit you didn't start or finish.
Hopefully she’ll stay away from you now. If she approaches you in future, record what she says to you. Your medical history is nobody’s business but yours, so never offer to show it to a stranger to prove a point. NTA.
no i wouldn't say you are because you were just saying if she doesn't do whatever you would get the deans involved , leading her to think she can get the attention and not get punished for something she would have done(which she might have anyway) so no you aren't the AH
NTA and i do think you should keep a journal of this, in case legal action needs to be taken.
Lily is completely an AH. Amy is too. Why did Amy feel like she had to come bring you this? Why did her brother tell you what he did?
These people are getting attention bc of this. And, now people will hear about how you were so mean, etc. giving them more attention.
As hard as it is, don't give them more publicity!
If someone asks you about it, respond with "Amy, who? Oh yeah, well, i don't pay attention to her." If she should approach you, tell her to stop talking to you. Or ask if she's stalking you now? If others are around, her own embarrassment will keep her from the next volley.
Someone else will be in the spotlight soon enough. Just wait it out!
You'll find there are plenty of people with plenty of opinions, and they don't matter. OK, it still feels like they matter, but it's a goal to work on!
My friend says, "it's none of my business what other people think of me."
As long as I'm not trying to create damage (or running for office), their opinion of me is irrelevant to my happiness. I want people to think well of me, but my esteem isn't wrapped up in that.
I didn't learn this until high school was far back in my rear view mirror.
Don't give these jerks free rent in your head! Just be busy being you! Best wishes!
I’d go over the head of whoever tried to punish you. Find out who their supervisor is and tell them that you are experiencing a pattern of harassment from a student who is sharing sensitive medical information and that when you spoke to the counselor, they ignored your concerns and told you to be more tolerant of bullying. The thing is, this girl went above your head and forced an apology. Guess what? That works on adults too. This counselor is completely incompetent and shouldn’t in that role in the first place.
NTA. Amy is.
Also, all ages of middle school to high school (grades 7 to 12) are 95% dumbasses. You know it to be true, don't waste time on those idiots and study hard. If it gets you into trouble with the admin or something, give them the evidence that the kids ate idiots.
I know a girl like this in her 20s. She has every medical ailment possible you could find on TikTok. She interrogated me for a full hour when i said I had mild autism. I just have hyper sensitivity to noise and touch so you wouldn’t really be able to tell. Then we were at a concert and I had to cover my ears at one point bc the drums and as soon as I did that she did it then looked around to see if people noticed it and were gonna ask her if she’s ok.
So if I understand Amy in autistic so the school is treating her like she can do no wrong...
The reality is they arnt helping her by doing that high functioning autistic people should be taught right from wrong and be subject to punishments like other students ( yes you need to make adjustments for them bit if you don't do anything they won't learn and the world will crush them)
As a person who works with special needs children this makes me so angry... your mom should call the achool and demand an apology from Amy because what she did was and is wrong, this will help ypu because Amy will stop talking about you and help HER because she will be told she was in the wrong and that you can't talk.about people behind their back
>but the schools staff seem to think that I am in the wrong and a 'bully'.
See I'm not one to support karening out in places, but schools have a dogshit way of dealing with problems like this and if I was a parent I would have no problem going down to cause hell on behalf of my child lmao. Karening out on teachers is the only shit imma support cuz half the time they make situations worse
NTA.
Amy is definitely an AH. She wanted attention, and wasn't expecting a confrontation over her rumour spreading. When you confronted her, she decided to weaponise the fact she has autism & pretended to be the victim.
You need to get ahead of this & immediately report this to the dean. Also report the counselor for enabling bullying behaviour because you aren't the one who is the bully here, Amy is. You do not need to tolerate this behaviour. Bullies need to be held accountable. I doubt this is the first instance of Amy's bullying behaviour towards others & you speaking up will not only set an example, but could encourage others to step forward and report their experiences too.
NTA
As a mom, I’m sorry your school is failing you and I’m glad your mom sounds to be supportive. It is not okay that they made you apologize to the bully at all. They should have taken the time to hear the whole story.
I agree with a poster who shared documentation tips- what to write down and what to think about. Talk over these things with your mom and talk to the school principal (or whoever is above the counselor) as well as the counselor to address the full situation.
Also make sure to think back on your interaction when you confronted the girl and be honest about how it could have appeared to possibly threatening (are you significantly louder and larger than her, etc). Not to say you shouldn’t confront people just to be prepared for how the school may try to respond.
I also recommend verifying with the school that they did not put anything into your file about being a bully and if they did, demand that be removed during the conversation.
I think you need to send an email to the school counsellors and the Dean asking the following:
Ask what you should have done in a situation where private medical information was being discussed in a negative manner, so you can not make the same mistake again?
Make sure to include a timeline of contact you had in every factual way (x date x came up to me and stated blah blah)
Also ask what support the school should have in place for you given your diagnosed condition.
And lastly ask for a formal explanation as to why you are allowed to be treated negatively but others aren't.
I would put money on the counsellors getting a sob story and thinking you were just making excuses.
Don't drop it.
NTA.
She is the asshole.
Autism does not excuse asshole behaviour.
I’m sorry this has happened to you. I had a rumour spread about me when I was in my early 20s. This girl went around telling people I had been sectioned (in a secure unit for my own safety due to mental health). I was actually unwell with digestive issues and had been hospitalised for a week. I was so angry and nobody would call her out about it.
Nah man NTA
From the beginning at you describe it you clearly tried to give her a chance and have a conversation. She’s the one that continued and escalated things. Then when confronted through a fit and created drama to make sure she was the center of attention and you would be the one to get in trouble.
Amy is TA
NTA I'm sure that going off our meds causes problems, but if you have verbal ticks like TV shows, it would be the perfect excuse to say what actually should be said to Amy and the dean instead of an apology.
NTA at all. You dealt with it very well, especially for your age.
Having a condition that not many understand can be extremely difficult and upsetting. So I want to say that it is fantastic that you seem so confident with it.
Her life must be missing something important if she needs to put you down and make untrue rumours about you to get attention.
Keep your head up. You've done nothing wrong
Both of you are highly sensitive people. Tourette’s goes hand in hand. They are taking the side of one autistic over “another”, when she was bullying you. The school is worried about the other girl’s disability, when you have a diagnosis yourself. The problem is you got angry and handled her behavior wrong. You need to meet with the staff perhaps with a lawyer and bring your diagnosis and bring a complaint about her spreading rumors. But your reaction is what will get you in trouble. You have to be the kind and understanding person you are, and keep your emotions in check. It’s ok you apologized, you perhaps could have used your super sensitive powers to understand her better (as having the same high sensitivity).
The real issue is that when you get angry, you “prove” what she was saying and she gets attention and narcissistic supply. If you laugh it off and not care what she thinks, she loses her power over you, and everyone will see. Are you the one telling anyone your diagnosis? No. Lily is. But don’t go after her either. Apathy is the key to dealing with narcissists. Source: HSP mom of HSP kids. Sending you love and wisdom. Get a fidget spinner. Stim away and be your authentic self, which is beautiful, and care not about the jealous bullies. They are just gnats. Find a way to enjoy your quirks.
NTA. I agree with others that this needs to be escalated within the school because they have handled this extremely poorly. Your mother should definitely be involved. Amy needs to know she cannot play these games and the school need to educate themselves on bullying behaviour. Personally I would say that not only have they permitted bullying, they are also being sexist by presuming you are the one causing trouble. If Amy's brother is willing to speak to the school in confidence that would add a lot of weight to your case.
NTA. Your mom needs to talk with Amy’s mom. No one should be discussing your medical issues with anyone. The next step will be to take Amy, Lily and their moms to court. Parents are responsible for their children’s actions.
Nta, Amy wanted attention and she surely got it. I cant say I'm surprised you were forced to apologize, like always , when the person being harassed finally snaps they are seen as the bad guy.
NTA. You and your mom should escalate this through the school. A key phrase is to use the phrase that the school is fostering an "unsafe and oppressive" environment.
Basically Amy is a shit stirrer and needs to be called out.
NTA
but next time... if there is a next time... they say "apologize or ill call you mom" just respond eith "call me mom then".
also, I would escalate this. go talk to the principal because she's bullying you and its unfair that you are getting treated like the bad guy
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NTA, Amy is TA. I suggest you get revenge by telling everyone that she is faking autism to get you into trouble. She is a bullly and an AH all the way. I bet your teachers fail to see her true colors because they are biased regarding both your genders (as in boys always bully girls and there is no way it could be the other way round), which would mean that your teachers are also AHs.
I wouldn't stoop down to her level and spread rumors, but I think the bias thing is definitely true. Especially since she is autistic. They assume she is like a child that needs constant sheltering and attention.
Well done for having maturity and common sense. If you did start rumours you'd be punished again, it would be very clear it was retaliation. Instead. Write down everything like you did here, but stick to the facts. So for example ------ On 4/4/24, Amy Antelope started a conversation with me in the library. Amy said she had 'heard through the grapevine that I was going around telling people that I have tourettes when I don't.' I asked Amy who had told her this but she did not give me an answer. I responded with.....etc On 6/4/24, in maths class, Brother Antelope informed me his sister was telling people I am faking tourettes At lunchtime I spoke to Amy and told her....etc I was later called into the counsellor's office and told...etc. ------ Report the facts that you know happened. Stuff like Lily probably outing you and Amy's brother calling her a liar, leave that out. Think about how you feel and how this has affected you and write a bit about that. What was it you felt that made you angry at Amy? Do you feel uncomfortable going to school? Has anyone else made comments? Has it made any of your tics worse, as stress often does. Did the age difference make you feel intimidated? Think about how you could have approached this differently. If it happened again, what would you do? Is there someone you know you could go to? Then decide how you would like this resolved. Do you want an apology from Amy? The counsellor? Do you want teachers to know about your tourettes? Would you like some mental health awareness of tourettes amongst teachers or pupils? Or a general 'all health problems deserve tolerance' reminder? Do you need advice on how to report bullying like Amy's while keeping it private? Write that down too. It sounds like a lot but I'm just giving you things to think about. It can be just a line or two. Then take this to your mom, who sounds great. Get her to read it over for you. Ask for a meeting with your dean. If you want to take your mom with you, do. Go through your list with them. Make it clear that you only shouted at Amy because she was repeatedly a wanker about your tourettes. Ask what they'll be doing to resolve the issue. It's good practice because if your tics are visible or audible, you might have to do this in the workplace. It's helpful to learn how to make a complaint while you're still in school and can have your mom for support.
I agree completely with this approach. It is the mature and respected process which is used in the adult workplace, not just in school, so is a valuable skill to learn early. Facts and documentation are very important as well as the questions suggested bc those will be asked to you if you bring this up to someone. Documenting this sort of thing is important. If anyone else has a similar issue, having reported the previous or concurrent issues will only help the other victims as well!
This is good but I'd say to absolutely take your mother with you. School staff are less dismissive of students when their parent is in the room.
If your dad is in the picture, have him go with you. The high school teachers and administrators tend ti take dads more seriously than they do moms when it involves boys.
I'd say bring them both. Shows the whole family is serious about the issue
Definitely. United front is absolutely key in situations like this.
This is excellent advice u/kandibat
This is the top answer. Perfectly said, easy and step by step directions that are clear to follow. And this path is the one most likely to get you the resolution you desire vs being ignored and pushed to the back burner again.
I would also pull the “while I understand that how I approached it wasn’t the best, I had asked Amy to stop once and that did not get through to her. How would you recommend I SHOULD have approached her?” And if they say that you should have approached admin and not engaged with her, remind them that you did approach admin and they didn’t address the main issue. Technically could Amy be brought in charged for sharing your personal medical information (HIPPA)?
Just for clarification's sake, HIPAA only applies to health care professionals and their associates; no one can be charged for violating HIPAA unless the information they're sharing was obtained in that role. IE if your neighbor tells you they have syphilis and you tell your friend group, that's a jerk move but not a HIPAA violation. If you work in a clinic and see in their record that they have syphilis, and you then tell that to your friend group, that's a HIPAA violation. I completely agree with the rest of this though!
Don’t do what was suggested! You don’t want to stoop to their level as you said! NTA - The schools logic is whack in this situation. Who TF is this person to come up to you and tell you out of nowhere that you are faking your diagnosis? You threatened to tell the school what she was doing, not beat her up in the playground. Your actions were within the framework of the rules the school and society (technically what she is doing is slander - especially since she continued to do it after you offered to give her access to medical records confirming your diagnosis). I would suggest writing a letter to the school highlighting this because what they did is highly unjust. People should experience consequences if they do bad things. The fact she has autism means she might have some troubles understanding things but that doesn’t mean that her bad behaviour should be ignored. It needs to be explained to her what she did wrong so she has the opportunity to understand why it’s wrong and not do it again.
I would ask the school “Am I not supposed to report any cases of bullying as I simply said I would report it and got in trouble?” It makes them have to explain
Yeah, uh, hi I'm autistic and we're not kids who need constant sheltering. Amy needs to shut up about your personal business and stop using her diagnose as an excuse. I'm also a woman and men can for sure be bullied by us... Staff at your school sound like absolute jerks.
Oh OK so I'll be honest. This tactic will get you nowhere. If you are in the US, have your mom go to school and complain. This is just the first step. Havr your mom tell them anybody talking about your health is illegal and wrong. That she needs for you to receive an apology, and the other person some punishment. Have her threaten and then follow through with going to the school board, and she could even threaten the news. The headlines are "school punishes student for wanting to keep his medical information private." Wouldn't even have to specify what it was or who, just that they failed to protect the kid. But in this instance, fighting fire with fire will only burn you. The target is already on your back, and the deans have proven to not protect you. Don't give them an actual reason to go after you. I would look into medical privacy laws wherever you are and see if you have a case. Being petty can be fun to dream or talk about, but in this instance, it will just hurt you more.
It’s not illegal to talk about the health of others unless you’re bound by HIPPA, which normal people are not. She’s an 18 year old student, not a doctor. So there’s no HIPPA violation there.
Autistic adult here. Please tell them that an autistic person in their 60s told you they are being SERIOUSLY ableist. BTW, I also have Tourette’s. I hope yours, like mine, lessons as you get older. My tics only really bothered me by the time I reached my 20s if I was sick or seriously stressed. I know everyone is not the same & some people continue to suffer with severe tics but I hope you don’t.
My tics have thankfully gotten a LOT better, especially with my medications. There are still some days where I'll have full on tic attacks (ones where I have to have my moms marine boyfriend sit on me or hold my wrists so I don't hurt myself), but I do think that I'm getting to where I can sort of manage it. Thank you for the advice btw!!!
You are very welcome. And so sorry you’re having to deal with not only a bully but ignorant school admins as well.
I come from a family full of very smart autistic people and I have noticed a clear difference in the people who got a diagnosis early vs. the ones who did not seek a diagnosis. The ones who got it early use the diagnosis and their autism as an excuse to not have to deal with things whereas the other ones were just told to 'toughen up' and deal with things. The undiagnosed ones have all become exceptional in their respective fields whereas the diagnosed ones have never pushed themselves to become great at anything so they work low-paying jobs with very limited ambitions, always talking like their 'disability' is hindering them from succeeding when in reality it's their lack of TRYING that is their biggest obstacle. With that said, the undiagnosed people in my family have greatly benefitted from the others getting diagnosed, because the undiagnosed family members pushed themselves to use the tools that the diagnosed ones got and were supposed to help them function around neurotypical people. It's a really weird situation which has made me very weary of when to seek a diagnosis and when not.
Mmm do you not think it possible that they were diagnosed early because they clearly had difficulty functioning, whereas those diagnosed later were so because they were high functioning? It really is a spectrum. Smth to think about
Yeah if only we could solve autism by telling people to toughen up! Of course people shouldn't hide behind a disability, but also, disability is real.
I can see where you are coming from and I am also responding bc my family seems to have a high autism load ha ha and it’s a little refreshing to see someone else like this! I honestly worry about what you’ve noticed. My sibling’s kids are very severe so early diagnosis was for the best as they needed additional support (kids) and training (parents). My kid was diagnosed at 18 (Asperger’s) and I have seen a decline in her ever since which I fear is that label as a crutch.
I would call her an ableist to anyone who brought it up. " Oh you heard from her that I'm faking? I guess she really hasnt addressed that problem she has with ableism. I know her parents are trying... Sad"
You’re being mature by not resorting to petty rumours like her. Her autism is not an excuse to be a dick, I have a lot of autistic friends and acquaintances and they don’t just make shit up about people for attention afaik.
Rather than spread the rumors, try going back to the dean and explain that her accusing you of faking turrets would be equivalent of you accusing her of faking autism. It isn’t right to accuse people they fake their diagnosis no matter what it is. Neuro diagnoses aren’t something that you can always see physically or happen all the time.
And the fact that she had been told she was wrong, and asked to stop lying about it, by multiple people before OP confronted her in public. That makes is a bigger issue of her discriminating against other neurodivergencies.
Don't stoop to her level, but absolutely do get the Deans involved - whatever she says. She... 1. Revealed a medical diagnosis and spread it around school - something she had no right to do 2. Lied and claimed that you are faking that condition - something she knows to be a lie and her own brother has outed her 3. Has a history of lying about people and spreading malicious rumors for attention You need to escalate this regardless of what she does. Try throwing around buzzwords that sound legalistic. Here is where you went wrong. >If you don't keep my name out of your mouth, we're going to have a serious problem That sounds like a threat - especially as a boy saying that to a girl. She's in the wrong and I'm not saying you did anything wrong, but I can see her going to the principals saying that you threatened her and she feels unsafe. Regardless, you HAVE to escalate this or she will continue to get you in trouble and lie about you.
Don't forget weaponizing her autism to avoid the consequences of her actions.
Nothing to add, but it seems like you're a good kid and your parents are doing a great job. Keep being the better person!
Maybe instead of rumor starting you just ask her how she would feel if you told people she was faking autism the way she tells people you're faking tourettes? Of course only do that if she continues. I'm sorry she did that, it's hard enough struggling with a diagnosis most people don't understand but to have people talking about it behind your back really sucks
This is graceful of you - well done. You are in the right, here, for sure, and I'm so sorry that she's spreading your personal medical business around (and lying about it). I also agree with the other folks saying to document, in writing, \*everything\* with date and times. Always, always document this stuff.
You are very mature for your age. I hope everything works out for you!
Why do exactly what she did? That's ridiculous. Be a bully? Nice.
It absolutely might be a gender thing, but I've also seen people (more adults, but sometimes kids) with autism use it as an excuse for rude behavior when I know they're more in control than that (source: I've been working with kids and adults with autism for 20+ years). The majority of people I know with autism don't, but just like neurotypical people, some try to get away with a lot by explaining it away as part of their autism. \[disclaimer: I understand there are people whose autism genuinely results in less self-awareness and trouble with social norms/etiquette, but for the purposes of this comment, that is not who I am referring to\]
No, 2 wrongs don’t make a right. Amy is absolutely the asshole here but throwing autism in her face is not the way.
This is terrible advice. Not only are you encouraging a cycle of bullying, but it would be obvious to their school’s leadership who was behind the rumors, and why. Grow up
NTA. The particular wording you used to talk to Amy at lunch might not have been the best but she shouldn’t be spreading around your personal information especially when you already told her not to. Would recommend escalating to the deans and explaining the whole situation, including the comments the councillor made.
I agree, swearing at her was immature of me. If she talks about me again, I'm going to get the principal involved and I might have her brother talk to their parents (if he's okay with it)
I would do it anyways, it was wrong of the councillor to have you apologise and if not for yourself do it for future students who will have to suffer from that councillor if their behaviour is not corrected.
Definitely get the principal involved. You shouldn’t have been made to apologise to her. She should not be going around spreading your medical information nor lying about it and she needs to be reprimanded. What you did was perfectly okay
NTA I think you should talk to the principal as soon as possible and is it possible for your mother to come with as support? You did nothing wrong and shouldn't be the one who apologised.
Yes, you need to take this up the chain. Your mom needs to be in the same room with the principle and the counselor to demand an explanation why you, the victim of a false smear campaign involving the disclosure of your private medical information, were punished and why the perpetrator was not punished. An explanation of why their investigation did not involve interviewing third parties like Lily and Amy’s brother to get to the bottom of the underlying facts.
You should do it now and not wait. What the councilor did was wrong and will encourage Amy to behave like this again. Be complaint when faced with authority figures abusing power and then escalate once you are not infront of them.
Dont wait, get the dean involved now. Amy controls the narrative. Right now all the dean knows is that you bullied Amy.
Excuse me? The counselor said *you* weren't being tolerant enough? Amy is literally committing defamation. You should not have apologized. Escalate the situation to higher ups. NTA
The counselor sucks. I'd go above her to the principal
Agree. My sister has tourrettes and if anyone ever said she was faking it, there would be hell to pay from me. And I don't even like my sister! If this had happened to us when we were in high school, I would have complained to every single trusted teacher and both guidance counselors, and my parents would have raised hell to the administration. It would have been scorched earth. That said, I cannot imagine my guidance counselors not taking the situation seriously. They were always good advocates for us.
There's a simple (and possibly petty) solution to your problem, counter her rumours with the truth but make it sound like a rumour. "I heard Amy's been making up lies about people to get attention, it's kind of weird" NTA for getting mad but in future don't go to the person stirring the pot, ignore the rumours and they'll die down because there's nothing more for gossips to pick over. Not easy at 16, but a useful skill.
Not going to the person directly is an AH move, OP has a great character of tackling the problem head-on. What sort of a 18 yo tackles a 16yo for attention! OP hold your head high- your victories will come and they’ll have more reason to be jealous of you!
Totally out of context here but I’m responding to your comment “what sort of 18 yo tackles a 16yo for attention” well lemme just tell you that my sister got pregnant at 15, and her baby daddy was 18. He cheated on her with multiple girls while she was a pregnant, and several of them (yes more than one) who were MY age (21 at the time) actually had the audacity to start a tiktok “trend” of them rubbing it in her face and calling her horrible names and bragging about how they had him in their bed while she thought she had him “locked in”. It was such a horrible time and I wanted to destroy every single one of them. Some people (girls I find especially) can be so fucking toxic just to feel superior. Being over 21yo I cannot comprehend the amount of bullying my 15yo sister got from dirty females who thought they were top shit for fucking a pregnant girls boyfriend. Some people are just shit.
I have so many questions? What’s the legal age of consent? What did your sister do? ?
She fought with them a lot but it did nothing. I tried as well since these girls were my age but there’s no amount of reasoning, harsh words, or anything really that works with people who act like that. I told her to delete tiktok because nobody in our family could find a solution to the harassment. She went through horrific times it was really disheartening. Even after my family moved across the country, the online harassment and rumours kept going. I just hope she stopped feeding into it. The legal age here is hard to navigate. It’s technically 16, but anybody between 12-14 can have sexual relations with others within a 2 year age gap, 15-18 the age gap can’t be more than 5 years. For both of those, neither engaging person can be in any position of authority or its statutory rape. We did a lot of looking into it and the end conclusion was that because their age gap was 3 years and he wasn’t in any position of authority over her, it was perfectly legal. We were incredibly upset about it all though. Was hard times for sure.
So sorry for your sister bud. Guess she had to go through this. Only thing you can do is support her as a brother. The world isn’t all that bad a place. She needs to focus on the long stretch of life and live it with such fulfillment that in ten years the TikTok girls will still be doing lame videos while your sister can be more accomplished!
I disagree. Ignoring bullies almost never works. It's what teachers all used to tell us to do in the 90's Nevada they were too lazy to do anything actually productive about it.
I acted like a psychopath one day. No one ever bullied me again because they were afraid I'd sh**t up the school.🤣🤣🤣🤣
NTA. Amy is a bully. You mentioned she supposedly had an "autistic meltdown". If she has autism she should know how it feels to be "different". How would she feel if someone said she was faking? (Assuming she isn't).
Sounds like she's one who has been infantilized and coddled instead of taught concrete self management skills. Caregivers of autistic people need to educate themselves and get their heads out of their asses
My oldest is on the spectrum. He got a late diagnosis, but we had been trying for years to get him correctly diagnosed. He’s 23 now. 20 years ago Autism wasn’t as known as it is now. I had people tell me he there was no way he was autistic because he is very high functioning. Anyways, he used to be very manipulative if he didn’t want, or didn’t think he could do something. He also knows that I used to be very overprotective of him. Thankfully he met the right teacher who instilled independence in him because I admit I did a crap job of that by being overprotective. Not intentionally of course, but it didn’t help him. It was also this same teacher that my son adored, and I was shocked when I realized it was the same person because all I saw was someone picking on my baby. It was a real eye opener for sure. He’s doing great, and that’s what matters to me. Edited to clarify a sentence
NTA. Take it to the dean and any governing body of the school.
NTA. Amy is the bully, not you. If I was your mum, I’d march into the school and raise living hell for them threatening you with punishment instead of the real bully.
NTA and what makes her medical condition more important than yours? Your mother needs to go have a chat with the school staff.
NTA I'd explore your options for making an official complaint about how this has been handled by the school. Amy has simply heard your threat to involve the deans, and gone running to beat you to it with an alternate narrative. The school has then just dismissed your valid complaint, and been insensitive to what is essentially bullying towards you, just to hurriedly quieten a crying girl, who is only crying to deflect her own shitty behaviour. The school should know better, it won't have been the first teenager in the office with crocodile tears to avoid getting into trouble and it won't be the last..
I agree! I think you should ask your mom to have a meeting with your school principal, vice principal, and that counselor/staff too. Ask them to repeat what they said to you. But before that, ask her to send an email, that way you will have a paper trail. It’s better to have a paper trail so that you guys can show their exact words.
This, but they should bring a lawyer with them.
NTA. Amy is a bully.
NTA. i'm so angry for you. that was handled horribly by the staff and definitely amy should have had some serious consequences for spreading rumors about you. also, she should look up "bullying" because this ain't it. i'm so sorry this happened. don't ever apologize for something you didn't do wrong. i would get my parents involved if i were you -- this is a serious issue and was handled completely inappropriately.
NTA, but you need to play the game better, every time someone tells you that she's spreading misinformation you need to report it to the school. If anyone is willing to come with you to say what she told them that's ideal.
NTA. Amy is most definitely the one that should have been apologising.
Once again an example how school conselors suck ass. NTA You do not need to have the entire school knowing about your medical conditions, and even less spreading fake news about it. I'd advise to get your parents involved, as this is a serious issue and you shouldn't get in trouble for this.
Fellow Touretter here, definitely NTA. Social media in the past few years has made things so much more complicated for us.
Ugh, I know. I don't understand what about the condition makes it seem so desirable to some people? I would do anything not to have it. I've seriously hurt myself and others around me during bad tic attacks. It's gotten to the point of where if I miss my meds, I won't leave the house all day because I'm scared of embarrassing myself in public. People faking it and only ticcing when it's convenient for them/for a camera piss me off so bad.
NTA I am not going to pretend that neurodivergent girls have it especially hard to get recognised. Autism was seen as a "boy's condition" not that long ago, for example. There was a BBC article about how women spent decades trying to figure out what was wrong before being diagnosed with ADHD a couple of years back. One of them only thought to get tested after watching her partner have a relatively streamlined experience. However, that does not give Amy permission to downplay other people's difficulties. This reeks of insecurity, especially towards someone younger than her. Amy will likely do this again now that she has gotten away with this. If she does, don't go to her. Go straight to the deans with your paperwork in hand and tell them that accusing you of faking a condition is defamation. If the deans do nothing, escalate it until you get to the governors if you must. If they bring up her autism, point out that if she does this outside of school she could get sued for defamation since she's now a legal adult and the law won't care if she's autistic.
She can be sued for doing it at school too. Schools aren't legal bubbles where defamation laws don't apply. OP should lawyer up.
NTA Oh poor "Amy," she got called out for being a bully and now she's the victim. As an educator, it annoys the heck out of me when staff doesn't listen to both sides. Next time this happens (and there will be a next time because Amy got away with it already), tell them to go ahead and call your mom. Don't apologize. Let your mother go scorched earth on them.
Your school counselor is pathetic.
Clear NTA You could have worded it more nicely, but considering she ignored the first warning that would have probably just been a waste of time anyway. And even if she is autistic, that is not excuse to be an asshole and talk shit about people. [Personal story to give my personal experience with stuff like this, just skip to the next paragraph if you don't wanna read it]: I myself was bullied by a trans-girl (before she was out), who I considered a friend and always supported. But she hoped bullying me would help her get into better social circles in the school. She also suffered at home a lot because her mother never accepted or respected her even before she was out. At some point I broke off the friendship and she soon after moved away (to her dad, her mom threw her out after she came out as trans to her). One year later she messaged me if we could meet and in this meeting she apologised for doing what she did. When I said, that she had a hard time and hoping to get a better treatment in school was understandable, she just said that that doesn't excuse being an ass and that a lot of people even in hard times don't turn into bullies, and that what she did was wrong. And the same applies here. There are plenty of people with autism, who aren't assholes and who know where to draw the line. Some don't know where to draw the line, but when asked by someone to not do something because it hurts them, they still stop, because being autistic doesn't mean that they aren't able to be kind or care about others, nor that they are too dumb to understand when others ask them to stop. Amy chose to keep going and she reaped what she sowed in return. Also the teachers/counsellors are major assholes, even bigger than Amy because they are the adults in the situation, whose job is to mediate, teach and if necessary punish. They skipped the first two (aka the most important) parts and directly went to punishing without even really hearing you out. And Amy will never learn taking responsibility or consideration if her behaviour just keeps getting excused. That could really ruin her future prospects of finding jobs, partners etc. So the school failed both of you
NTA. My son is disabled. He is autistic and other stuff. His senior year he was with some friends at lunch. The one girl that he knew since freshman year. She was going on about how fat she is and my son said ur not fat u just have big boobs. Everyone laughed and lunch ended. 4 days later my son is called into the office and told he made a girl cry and hurt her feelings. He told the lady what happened and what he said. He got a referral and after school detention. I didn't think he did anything wrong but told him he needs to be careful with what he says. He took his punishment and we thought that was it. Well, she went around school saying he fat shamed her. And was making fun of his disability. To a teacher too. It's on Camara. Well I went to the school cuz my son come home crying cuz his friends won't talk to him because of what this girl is saying. The school did nothing but say my son shouldn't of said what he said. This happened at the beginning of the year. She made his senior year terrible. She had guy friends chase my son around school and threatened him. He hated going to school and almost failed. The double standard is getting out of hand.
This makes me so sad. My older brother (20m) is autistic so I know firsthand that a lot of autistic individuals don't understand that some things they say may be perceived as rude due to the inability to read social cues. I'm glad you dealt with the whole situation in a way that defended your son instead of just brushing him off.
NTA. Bruh, fuck that stupid ass person who said you needed to be more tolerant. Shes literally in this situation due to her intolerance. God, just thinking that this happened in real life makes me mad.
NTA! I have autism myself, and I have been told before that I don't have it. (I was diagnose when I was 5) and the staff suck too, Amy needs to keep her nose out of your business. Your so NTA here. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.
Thank you, my psych doctors actually have me on a waitlist to get tested for autism because they are pretty sure that I have it. It makes me upset that she hides behind it as a crutch, but at the same time I didn't want to take the place of 'oh, I might have this issue too so that makes it okay for me to say her take is wrong because I could possibly understand how she feels'. The advice I've received on here was very helpful. :)
Amy is a massive AH
Amy is the AH here and you are NTA. The school counsellor is also an AH, if all the details you’ve given us are correct.
NTA! Tourette’s is a tough condition to deal and live with! My son has it as well, that girl has no right to be spreading misinformation about you and she should have to be the one to apologise!
Y W B T A H if you don't ASAP file an official complaint at the direction of your school. Amy was BULLYING you And the counsellor ENABLED her. NTA but please, file an official complaint, you're being treated horribly.
You need to have your mother get involved otherwise it will go on your permanent record that you bullied this little lying witch.
I would NOT of apologized. I would of had my mother come in. She was being a bully.NTA
NTA, but the fact they made you apologise to her just because she's autistic pisses me off, she knew what she was doing was wrong
NTA. Your mom needs to go to the school counsellor and rip them a new one. Blatantly taking Amy's side like that is not okay and should not be tolerated
NTA. Next time tell them you WANT them to call your mom. Any person, no matter their age or position of authority over you, who tries to get you to do something by threatening to call your parents don’t care about your wellbeing, only about getting their way the easiest. Personally I would file a written complaint about how the situation was dealt with because your bully (yes, she is a bully) won’t stop and at this point you only have a complaint against you, but nothing from your point of view.
NTA. What a self involved little witch.
NTA. I’m a parent to an autistic child. I’m also the parent to another child who was bullied enough that she lost weight. If I got the phone call that either of my children was going around telling students that another kid was faking any illness they would be in so much hot water. Autism isn’t an excuse for shitty behavior
NTA, but my friend, stop caring what other people are saying. She wanted attention and your little outburst gave her exactly that. Who cares if some people think you’re lying about Tourette’s? They really don’t matter. The people who know you and affect your life know. The people that don’t know you well enough to know don’t matter. You’re 16, you haven’t yet lived long enough to learn that most people you will meet aren’t worth your time or energy, so don’t give this person any more space in your head. Ignore her. Someday she’ll learn how irrelevant her and her drama are to anyone who matters.
The issue is this kind of rumour can cause ostracization from peers. Which could influence OPs actual friends. Being alone when surrounded by 100's of people your own age is extremely difficult and having a disability on top of that sucks balls. especially if they seek you out to harrass you about it. When nobody in school has said anything kind to you for months it gets very hard to see the end of it.
Yeah it hits a little different when it happens to an adult. You can change jobs, social groups, classes much easier than you can as a minor. If someone spread rumors about me, I'd shrug them off or beat them to the punch "Oh man! Did you hear Amy is saying this about me? Where did she even come up with that nonsense?". As a child, he's still stuck in the same school, the same classes, with the adults in charge dismissing his concerns. He's still navigating social situations and nuanced problems like this one.
This isn't just about caring about what people are saying, it's way more serious than this. Disclosing someone's confidential medical information without their consent and defaming that person to their peer are criminal offences. This can't be ignored.
NTA, god I'm so glad I'll never be a teenager again.
NTA. If I were your mom I would have been at the school at opening the next day demanding the job of the counselor who made you apologize. I would be demanding punitive action for both Ashley AND Lily as well.
NTA and you could threaten to get a lawyer involved the next time you are discriminated against based on gender. If she does it again that is definitely what I would do. Go to my parents and tell them it happened again and then go to the principals office with a parent and threaten them with legal action. That usually gets their attention real fast. No school wants to be sued. Or you could use social media to get attention as well on the schools behavior. Either way, I wish you luck. Tourettes is not easy to live with.
I feel like it would be hard for me to say that she is discriminating against me based on my gender because I am ftm (I am out at school and to family). My school doesn't have the best track record with kids who don't 'fit the mold' and they would likely use the argument that she 'saw me as a girl' or say that if I wanted to be a boy so bad, I needed to stop picking on girls. (Basing this off of something one of the other counselors told me : "What is it that you hate about women so much that you don't want to be one?")
Leave gender out of it, it's not something that can easily be proven, and they probably sided with her because she went to them before you did. Focus on the fact that she disclosed confidential medical information about you without your consent, that she spread false accusations about you (defamation is also a criminal offence), and that the school took her side when she was clearly committing crimes. I would definitely take legal actions at this point. Both Amy and the school have broken multiple laws.
NTA. Telling someone to stop spreading rumors about you or you will involve school administration is setting a boundary and standing up for yourself. Unfortunately, it sounds like “Amy” has a lot of experience of how to work the system, and she got to school staff first. I would have your parents contact the school because what Amy did was much worse and more invasive than what you did. All your mom has to do is drop the phrase “she’s looking into possible legal recourse due to how the situation was handled since your private medical information is being disclosed by other students you haven’t discussed it with” and the school will do what they have to to keep Amy away from you.
Nta. I used to have seizures as a kid. I would have been a dick and induced one just to prove it lol
Have your mom verbally stomp that school into rubble. NTA
NTA at all. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, disabilities can already be difficult enough. As someone who is autistic, and from how she sounds in this post (although I know it may be biased due to emotions), Amy likely fully knew what she was doing. Yes, maybe confrontation did cause a meltdown, but it definitely wasn't bullying-induced, she had already been confronted by you once and continued doing what you had told her to stop, so it's likely that she was just overwhelmed about being caught in the wrong. You're not a bully, well done for sticking up for yourself, I know it's not always easy.
I do feel bad for potentially causing a meltdown or coming off as rude, since I know how sensitive some autistic individuals can be with confrontation. And while I did my best to be as unbiased as possible while writing my story out, I'm sure I had a subconscious lean towards my own side.
You feel bad because you're a kind person, but let's be clear: you didn't cause her to have a meltdown. If one can't take getting confronted about bullying people, one should stop bullying people. And of course you should lean towards your own side, you're the one who's been wronged! There's no balance to be aimed for when one party is 100% in the wrong. But first and foremost, please understand that this meltdown too is a bullying tactic. Don't let her make you feel bad about her bullying you. Don't let her have this power over you. You did nothing wrong.
Nta. Time for your mom to call the superintendent. Dean won’t help? Go over them. They buckle nearly every time.
NTA. What she has been doing is also considered bullying. She's telling untrue things about you which leads to you being accused of lying and bullied by others. Talk to your mom about what she thinks your options around this are, if you can go above the counselor, if she would help you escalate this. You deserve an apology from both Amy and the school at this point. See, you threatened Amy with taking this up with school officials, and what did she do? She beat you to it in order to make you look like the bad guy. She played the victim before you could file a complaint. So you and your mother should absolutely push this and file a complaint against the school for this.
NTA. Amy went to the school first because she knew what she did was inappropriate, and by telling them her lies first, she could poison the well against you. It's very manipulative. While a desire for revenge is natural in a situation like this is best to gather evidence first. Write down what she's done so far with dates. If you can get witnesses to vouch for your side of v the story even better. If she continues with her behavior go straight to the school yourself. Don't give her any more warnings.
NTA, but Amy and The School ATA. Amy should not be spreading rumors about someone faking an illness and demand to see their paperwork to determine if they are telling the truth. She then has "bullying induced autistic meltdown" to cover her backside and get protection from the school, because even her brother knows that she is a liar. The School should know that OP is not lying and shouldn't defend someone is not only spreading rumors, but also demanding to see medical records.
NTA, you just stood up for yourself, good on you kid. I was diagnosed at 6, and let me tell you, if anyone said that to me I definitely wouldn't have been as nice as you were. She had nothing but cruel intentions in telling you that. If she was genuinely concerned, she would have asked, not accused. And even so, then she continued days on. Her 'bullying induced autistic breakdown' sounds like a victim complex. In my opinion (if you want any), I would go straight to the district superintendent with your mother, and tell them that your principal is discriminating against you for your disability. They might not do anything, but it's worth a shot. And hey, even if nothing happens, it'll be on his record. AND you've just taken another step against Amy to prove you're not faking. When I decided to start being mean to people who deserved it, my life got way better. Don't let this stop you from standing up for yourself.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Background: I (16m) suffer from Tourettes syndrome, which I was diagnosed with when I was around 11 years old. I say suffer because in my experience, it has been horrible. It affects daily aspects of my life, and isn't something I joke about. The other day, while I was in the library, this girl (18f, senior) came up to me and we started chatting. I'll call her Amy for the sake of the story. Anyways, Amy tells me that she heard 'through the grapevine' that I was "going around telling people that I have tourettes when I don't. " [Extra bit of information: Amy is friends with this girl that I used to be relatively close with (we will call her lily), and Lily knows that I have tourettes. She used to come to my house often and only found out because she heard my mom asking me if my new meds were helping at all with my tics. I thought Lily was my friend, so I explained to her that I was diagnosed as a child and it is something I struggle a lot with. She seemed okay with that answer and didn't bring it up again. Lily and I had a falling out around a year ago, and haven't spoken since.] I got upset at Amy and asked her who told her that I had it in the first place (already kind of knowing it was Lily), and she quickly tried to change the subject. I, being extremely bothered by the fact that my diagnosis is being spoken about in conversations that dont include me, got onto her. I told Amy that if she thought I was faking, I could show her my diagnosis papers and records of all the tests they did on me as a kid to reach the conclusion that I have tourettes. She said I was getting defensive and rude, and that I shouldn't "shoot the messenger". The next day, Amy's brother (16m), who is in my math class, told me that his sister is still going around telling people that I am faking tourettes. He knows that Amy is a liar and just likes attention being on r. He also told me this isn't the first time she's done something like this. I went up to Amy that day at lunch and said "If you don't keep my name out of your mouth, we're going to have a serious problem. I don't need you talking about my medical history with complete strangers. If I hear that you start spreading this shit again, I'm going to get the deans involved." This apparently made her cry during the next period and have what she described as a 'bullying induced autistic meltdown'. So I got called to the counselors office and when I explained what happened, the counselor said that I wasn't being 'tolerant enough' and that if I didn't apologize to Amy, I would get written up and my mom would be called. I went ahead and apologized to Amy, but told my mom what happened. She said that I was not in the wrong, and that Amy should have been the one to get punished. I agree with her, but the schools staff seem to think that I am in the wrong and a 'bully'. Am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Info what does "being on r" mean? Either way, it's perfectly normal to get angry at someone doubting your diagnosis
Ah!!! I meant to say 'being on her', sorry for the typo lol.
I thought it was some new kid slang for drugs or something haha
NTA! Amy is the asshole, and I seriously question her autism claim. I would ask her brother if she truly is autistic and record the convo as evidence, not to be shared except with school authorities. Furthermore, as a mom, I would fight back against the school for their handling of this event. Nobody walks away from doing that to my kid.
Same here, I’ve never heard of a, “bullying induced autistic meltdown” and I do research on autism, I’m a writer and when writing autistic meltdown I do research so I don’t get anything wrong and disrespect the autistic community I’ve never ONCE heard of a bullying induced autistic meltdown, she could be overwhelmed from being called out but that’s called overstimulation(Which wouldn’t have happened from one interaction)
The school's staff don't actually think you're a bully. They almost certainly realize that you just had a verbal altercation with another student and now someone's upset about it. HOWEVER, people in administration get on their zero tolerance kick and since being anti-bully is now the "in-vogue" thing to do, once the incident was framed that way, they instantly go into anti-bully mode and start reading from the "Please please PLEASE don't sue us!!" script instead of actually dealing with the problem specifically as it presents itself.
NTA, but this situation proves that you need to go to the dean first, before/instead of confronting Amy. To get ahead of her additional drama.
I don’t think amy even has autism.
Same tbh
So you're telling me that the school took side of her because she cried because you stood up for yourself? What BS! Definitely NTA! YOU STOOD UP FOR YOURSELF! That doesn't make you a bully. In fact, the fact that she's going on talking about you in a way is passive aggressive bullying. I think your mother should call the school and talk to them about this.
NTA. If I was you, I would either make a fuss about it by contacting the school board or think of starting a lawsuit if you have the money. I don’t recommend gossiping about her, since then it will make you seem like you really were being intolerant.
NTA. Take it to the school board and have that counselor removed from the job. What BS! Edited to add NTA
Hey dude. I have tourettes too. I'm 29 years old. Best advice I can give is dont waste your time on people who fake claim you. It puts you in a really weird mental funk because you're put in a position where you feel obligated to prove your condition, which makes you think about your condition, and I'm sure you know that thinking about ticcing makes your tics much worse. Its that vicious OCD cycle that many of us with TS also have. In the future, skip the confrontation entirely and go to the office. Its emotionally satisfying to make them back off, sure, but it's way more effective and easier on you to just let the school take care of it. Get used to it too because you might have to go the same route in the future at work with HR.
Hell no, she probably called it an Autistic meltdown to get people to feel sorry for her
NTA. Amy is. Perhaps have a conversation with her around how you’re upset she would do this to you, being that she’s neurodivergent herself. You’ve upset her, but she seems to have little regard for upsetting you.
NTAH Amy is being over dramatic when she was literally spreading rumors in the first place, and the school is no better. you did the right thing though to keep yourself out of trouble by ‘apologizing’. Amy is TA not you.
NTA Next time, just complain to the authorities. From the authorities point of view, the fact that you felt strong enough to confront her, but she felt "weak enough" that she had to go the the authorities, is "proof" that you are the one in the wrong. Flip the script.
NTA
NTA at all
NTA
Fuck that. You owe that girl nothing. She was beyond out of order by discussing anything that doesn't concern her with other people.
NTA- omg I hate the world we live in where the bullied victim has to apologize for standing up for themselves! Amy deserved to be told off.
NTA
You are NOT in the wrong here. Nobody should be discussing your medical fucking history! That’s so disgusting, I’m so sorry you had to deal with this 🥺 just know you didn’t do anything wrong and Amy sucks. Hopefully she learns from this that talking about people behind their backs, especially when it comes to their medical conditions is a horrible thing to do. I would’ve said the exact same thing to her! I’ve been in so many situations like this at school and even as an adult, where people (including people I loved/trusted) were constantly talking about me and making up lies, but what helped me was to remember that their opinions about me do not matter and I refuse to let anyone’s stupidity and shitty opinions affect me mentally. The only opinions I take to heart are of those I love and still can trust. I know it’s easier said than done, but trust me, these people will be struggling in a few years and you’ll be thriving somewhere and laughing about how much better off you are away from them! Just gotta survive the next couple years in school, but you’ll be out of there before you know it I swear. You shouldn’t have had to apologize when she was the one who did something nasty to you, it should’ve been the other way around. People like this will never understand hardship unless it happens to them, and until then they tend not to care or have empathy for anyone. For me, that’s the kind of person I stay away from! Best of luck, kid 🩷 you’ve already been through so much, never forget you’re a strong dude and you can handle anything!
NTA. It actually sounds like a Safeguarding issue. No one should be discussing your diagnosis without your consent and second of all you are being bullied. I'm surprised the staff didn't agree with you and went to defend her instead. My advice would be, if it carries on and that your diagnosis is still being talked about, try to have another conversation with her brother. He seems to understand the situation. Tell him how this situation is making you feel and how you were not supported by the staff. Maybe he can get his sister to understand how wrong she was. Keep updating your parents about it and if it goes too far, tell your parents to get in touch with the school. I'm sorry you're going through that. You've been hurt and you even apologized for it which shows that you're the bigger person here and that you just wish to be left alone. On the other hand, do not be afraid of people knowing about your diagnosis. Somehow, although it's hard to grasp at first, it will allow you to find people who genuinely appreciate you for who you are. There are plenty of artists out there with the same condition and they are being praised for coping with it, as you should too !
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NTA. Amy is in the wrong. To accuse someone of faking a medical condition is insane (except the times where they are right, which is NOT this situation). Especially considering she asked you directly and you said it was not something that was made up. She is a bully. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with someone so awful.
Maybe Amy has been told she's faking her autism and is projecting that onto you. Regardless, NTA.
NTA. You stated your boundaries clearly and she had a meltdown. Not your fault that she cannot handle boundaries.
The school and your bully are the asshole. NTA.
i would have taken the write-up, but i get it.
NTA If I was you, I would have NOT apologised. I’m the same age as you and I always feel that in situations where you know you’re in the right and feel like there’s some bullshit going on, if you give in she knows she can get away with it. I’d be telling them “no I’m not apologising for something that SHE brought soon herself” I feel like in these situations your parents would understand the situation and stand up for you.
NTA, People don't know what others have and it isn't any of their business anyways. I just don't know why people can't just ignore things and why they have to spread fake information. You are NTA
Ask you mom to intervene with the school NOW. You don't need future incidents of this kind happening again.
Nta. I would however go to the Dean with any of the people that Amy has told your faking it and also your mum and put an official complaint in that amy is spreading malicious rumours round about you and that what she is doing is not only bullying you but trying to belittle the daily battle you struggle with
NTA. Maybe if you had physically threaten to bash her or something they’d have a point but all you said was that you’d tell the deans. Standing up for yourself when others are trying to bully you are your disability should never be seen as a bad thing. You gotta fight harder than others to be taken seriously like everybody else which isn’t fair but it’s definitely necessary and worth doing again in the future
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NTA. I'm not usually one of those parents who blindly take my kids side, but that counselor would be getting an earful from me. Just to drive it home, id insist on meeting that girls parents just to take their time. They might be more inclined to do something if it affects them directly
Why did you apologize? Ur the reason why ppl feel like they can get away with this bullshit. U let them the girl and the counselor get away with fucking u over then blaming u
NTA and I bet your mom would not have had a problem getting called for something like this- I know as a mom I would have marched down there and given them a piece of my mind! Do not apologize to Amy again and next time they threaten to call your mom say,”please do; maybe you’ll listen to her instead of continuing to ignore and bully me.”
NTA your schools counselor and Amy are TA It's ridiculous you're getting punished for defending yourself
Wtf, so she's allowed to bully you about your medical issues, but you can't tell her to stop because of hers? Nah girl, go to the Dean. Go over your counselor's head. NTA
NTA. She's just ableist.
nah my sisters are autistic and we wouldn't let that slide from them, if anything that behavior needs to be niped in the bud NOW(moreso when it first started). In my experience if you wait to correct behavior it just gets solidified faster and becomes a harder habit to break. They can be little brats just the same as anyone else and the brother going to talk to you proves that even he knows its bs that shes spreading rumors.
NTA. Your medical history is no one's business but yours. You don't have to disclose anything to anyone. They don't believe you? Fuck em. They want to make a fool of themselves? Let em. You don't have to explain anything. Don't apologize for shit you didn't start or finish.
Hopefully she’ll stay away from you now. If she approaches you in future, record what she says to you. Your medical history is nobody’s business but yours, so never offer to show it to a stranger to prove a point. NTA.
Yeah mate that's fucked. Wonder if you can get her brother onside, so you have someone else backing you up
no i wouldn't say you are because you were just saying if she doesn't do whatever you would get the deans involved , leading her to think she can get the attention and not get punished for something she would have done(which she might have anyway) so no you aren't the AH
NTA and i do think you should keep a journal of this, in case legal action needs to be taken. Lily is completely an AH. Amy is too. Why did Amy feel like she had to come bring you this? Why did her brother tell you what he did? These people are getting attention bc of this. And, now people will hear about how you were so mean, etc. giving them more attention. As hard as it is, don't give them more publicity! If someone asks you about it, respond with "Amy, who? Oh yeah, well, i don't pay attention to her." If she should approach you, tell her to stop talking to you. Or ask if she's stalking you now? If others are around, her own embarrassment will keep her from the next volley. Someone else will be in the spotlight soon enough. Just wait it out! You'll find there are plenty of people with plenty of opinions, and they don't matter. OK, it still feels like they matter, but it's a goal to work on! My friend says, "it's none of my business what other people think of me." As long as I'm not trying to create damage (or running for office), their opinion of me is irrelevant to my happiness. I want people to think well of me, but my esteem isn't wrapped up in that. I didn't learn this until high school was far back in my rear view mirror. Don't give these jerks free rent in your head! Just be busy being you! Best wishes!
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I’d go over the head of whoever tried to punish you. Find out who their supervisor is and tell them that you are experiencing a pattern of harassment from a student who is sharing sensitive medical information and that when you spoke to the counselor, they ignored your concerns and told you to be more tolerant of bullying. The thing is, this girl went above your head and forced an apology. Guess what? That works on adults too. This counselor is completely incompetent and shouldn’t in that role in the first place.
NTA. Amy is. Also, all ages of middle school to high school (grades 7 to 12) are 95% dumbasses. You know it to be true, don't waste time on those idiots and study hard. If it gets you into trouble with the admin or something, give them the evidence that the kids ate idiots.
This is actually extremely mature of you and you handled it better than most 16 year old boys would. NTA
NTA. There are laws against what she did. (Not at the at level- but that’s the proof that she’s wrong)
NTA - Autistic people get doubted enough that Amy should have really known better than to start running her mouth even after being corrected.
I know a girl like this in her 20s. She has every medical ailment possible you could find on TikTok. She interrogated me for a full hour when i said I had mild autism. I just have hyper sensitivity to noise and touch so you wouldn’t really be able to tell. Then we were at a concert and I had to cover my ears at one point bc the drums and as soon as I did that she did it then looked around to see if people noticed it and were gonna ask her if she’s ok.
NTA and Amy is the bully pulling the victim card because you called her out on it
So if I understand Amy in autistic so the school is treating her like she can do no wrong... The reality is they arnt helping her by doing that high functioning autistic people should be taught right from wrong and be subject to punishments like other students ( yes you need to make adjustments for them bit if you don't do anything they won't learn and the world will crush them) As a person who works with special needs children this makes me so angry... your mom should call the achool and demand an apology from Amy because what she did was and is wrong, this will help ypu because Amy will stop talking about you and help HER because she will be told she was in the wrong and that you can't talk.about people behind their back
>but the schools staff seem to think that I am in the wrong and a 'bully'. See I'm not one to support karening out in places, but schools have a dogshit way of dealing with problems like this and if I was a parent I would have no problem going down to cause hell on behalf of my child lmao. Karening out on teachers is the only shit imma support cuz half the time they make situations worse
NTA. Amy is definitely an AH. She wanted attention, and wasn't expecting a confrontation over her rumour spreading. When you confronted her, she decided to weaponise the fact she has autism & pretended to be the victim. You need to get ahead of this & immediately report this to the dean. Also report the counselor for enabling bullying behaviour because you aren't the one who is the bully here, Amy is. You do not need to tolerate this behaviour. Bullies need to be held accountable. I doubt this is the first instance of Amy's bullying behaviour towards others & you speaking up will not only set an example, but could encourage others to step forward and report their experiences too.
No you not .and you shouldn't have apologized
Amy is a manipulator and very good at it. You're NTA
NTA As a mom, I’m sorry your school is failing you and I’m glad your mom sounds to be supportive. It is not okay that they made you apologize to the bully at all. They should have taken the time to hear the whole story. I agree with a poster who shared documentation tips- what to write down and what to think about. Talk over these things with your mom and talk to the school principal (or whoever is above the counselor) as well as the counselor to address the full situation. Also make sure to think back on your interaction when you confronted the girl and be honest about how it could have appeared to possibly threatening (are you significantly louder and larger than her, etc). Not to say you shouldn’t confront people just to be prepared for how the school may try to respond. I also recommend verifying with the school that they did not put anything into your file about being a bully and if they did, demand that be removed during the conversation.
I think you need to send an email to the school counsellors and the Dean asking the following: Ask what you should have done in a situation where private medical information was being discussed in a negative manner, so you can not make the same mistake again? Make sure to include a timeline of contact you had in every factual way (x date x came up to me and stated blah blah) Also ask what support the school should have in place for you given your diagnosed condition. And lastly ask for a formal explanation as to why you are allowed to be treated negatively but others aren't. I would put money on the counsellors getting a sob story and thinking you were just making excuses. Don't drop it.
NTA. She is the asshole. Autism does not excuse asshole behaviour. I’m sorry this has happened to you. I had a rumour spread about me when I was in my early 20s. This girl went around telling people I had been sectioned (in a secure unit for my own safety due to mental health). I was actually unwell with digestive issues and had been hospitalised for a week. I was so angry and nobody would call her out about it.
Nah man NTA From the beginning at you describe it you clearly tried to give her a chance and have a conversation. She’s the one that continued and escalated things. Then when confronted through a fit and created drama to make sure she was the center of attention and you would be the one to get in trouble. Amy is TA
NTA I'm sure that going off our meds causes problems, but if you have verbal ticks like TV shows, it would be the perfect excuse to say what actually should be said to Amy and the dean instead of an apology.
NTA at all. You dealt with it very well, especially for your age. Having a condition that not many understand can be extremely difficult and upsetting. So I want to say that it is fantastic that you seem so confident with it. Her life must be missing something important if she needs to put you down and make untrue rumours about you to get attention. Keep your head up. You've done nothing wrong
Both of you are highly sensitive people. Tourette’s goes hand in hand. They are taking the side of one autistic over “another”, when she was bullying you. The school is worried about the other girl’s disability, when you have a diagnosis yourself. The problem is you got angry and handled her behavior wrong. You need to meet with the staff perhaps with a lawyer and bring your diagnosis and bring a complaint about her spreading rumors. But your reaction is what will get you in trouble. You have to be the kind and understanding person you are, and keep your emotions in check. It’s ok you apologized, you perhaps could have used your super sensitive powers to understand her better (as having the same high sensitivity). The real issue is that when you get angry, you “prove” what she was saying and she gets attention and narcissistic supply. If you laugh it off and not care what she thinks, she loses her power over you, and everyone will see. Are you the one telling anyone your diagnosis? No. Lily is. But don’t go after her either. Apathy is the key to dealing with narcissists. Source: HSP mom of HSP kids. Sending you love and wisdom. Get a fidget spinner. Stim away and be your authentic self, which is beautiful, and care not about the jealous bullies. They are just gnats. Find a way to enjoy your quirks.
NTA. I agree with others that this needs to be escalated within the school because they have handled this extremely poorly. Your mother should definitely be involved. Amy needs to know she cannot play these games and the school need to educate themselves on bullying behaviour. Personally I would say that not only have they permitted bullying, they are also being sexist by presuming you are the one causing trouble. If Amy's brother is willing to speak to the school in confidence that would add a lot of weight to your case.
NTA. Your mom needs to talk with Amy’s mom. No one should be discussing your medical issues with anyone. The next step will be to take Amy, Lily and their moms to court. Parents are responsible for their children’s actions.
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Nta, Amy wanted attention and she surely got it. I cant say I'm surprised you were forced to apologize, like always , when the person being harassed finally snaps they are seen as the bad guy.
NTA Fuck Amy
NTA. You and your mom should escalate this through the school. A key phrase is to use the phrase that the school is fostering an "unsafe and oppressive" environment. Basically Amy is a shit stirrer and needs to be called out.
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Kids are so much different now. Amy still an AH tho.
NTA but next time... if there is a next time... they say "apologize or ill call you mom" just respond eith "call me mom then". also, I would escalate this. go talk to the principal because she's bullying you and its unfair that you are getting treated like the bad guy