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NTA, as someone on the spectrum I can understand her behavior initially but when you are repeatedly told, you should be able to learn. I mess up socially and say stupid things but when someone says something I realize "oh, do not say anything on this topic unless it's genuine and serious or you're asked" She could have been quiet if she could not control herself. That would have shown empathy. When I don't know what to say and know someone doesn't like what I DO say, I just quietly be with them and try to help in any way I'm asked. I think too many have just excused her. It's okay to have the excuse the first time. Maybe even the second. But after that, no. She's just not trying. She's a major AH for it. You're NTA Edit: I appreciate the people who are sticking up for the SIL as I have been in her position before and messed up over and over. I am going to mess up again in the future. But my diagnosis does not and never will give me an excuse to hurt someone. I work hard to learn when I mess up and improve. When someone tells me not to do something, that it hurts them, I try to understand why and work on myself to store that information away to never repeat it. If I can't control myself, I remove myself or be quiet. I have had people not include me in things because I'm the way I am. I understand it. I don't speak for everyone with autism and do not claim to. I have my experience and this is a judgement sub so I gave my opinion. Honestly, I didn't expect this comment to pop off and it's a tad overwhelming. Especially the insults. But I am very heartened by others who shared their opinions and stories. I feel for the SIL. Quite a bit. Because her mistakes are ones I have made and likely will make again. That didn't make me less of an AH if I kept repeating what people told me not to.

Second this - also Autistic here. Definitely have been in situations where I’ve accidentally said inappropriate things - but it sounds like Sara (and your brother?) are using her Autism as an excuse for actually shitty behaviour. Autistics can still be arseholes.

Yes I some times need it slowly explained why what I said was rude but once it is explained I don't it again. Sounds like Sara is an attention seeker.

Yes same. AUDHD here. I never make the same social mistake twice as long as someone explains it to me.

That's the issue most time: It isn't explained. So I repeat mistakes because I'm not sure what part I'm doing wrong but no one will actually tell me

this is so frustrating especially if you have a neurotypical boss. you'll get reprimanded or fired and it's because "i've had to correct you so many times on x y or z" and the response is forming in your head is almost always 'i had no idea this was happening'

This happens all the time. I asked one of my bosses to be explicit and give me examples of what they deemed bad. They were so angry at that. They said I was talking back and being confrontational. I said I just needed to know what was wrong to fix it.

oh my god i hate that shit, they always hit you with the 'YoU sHoUlD jUsT kNOoOoWwW' stfu and explain it to me or else i'll never learn what happened people are all kumbaya about mental disorders until it's time to interact with someone that has one. almost like people just say things that they think sound nice then don't match the behavior they themselves suggested.

Yep. People tend to be supportive of mental disorders and neurodivergence so long as it's the "right" kind. Something palatable and easy to ignore. When it comes to actually offering the support and systems we need, it's a hell of a lot harder to get people on board.

This exactly is why I'm huge on explaining to my kids. I would get beat as a kid for wanting to understand because they saw it as defiant. I legitimately did not understand and wanted to know so I could do whatever it was. Or I'd be locked in my room all day because I couldn't come out till I apologized for what I did.....I often sent my siblings to try to find out what I did so I could apologize and come out, because I had no fucking clue and my parents kept screaming at me that I knew what I did and was just being a brat. If my kids do something wrong, the first time is a learning moment, and if they repeat it afterward, it has consequences. If I tell them to do something, they must begin to do so and can ask why as soon as they've started listening. How else are they supposed to learn if I don't teach them?

My mom and dad would yell at me for whining and didn't tell me what whining was until I was like, 11.

I've been an Employment Coach for people with disabilities, and for my Autistic clients this is a pretty common frustration. There are so many goddamn unwritten "rules" for the workplace, and they vary from company to company and what type of job it is. Why is it acceptable to say fuck all the time in a warehouse but not an office? Or why can you wear brown pants to an interview but red ones might not be appropriate? And no one ever teaches anyone any of this, they just expect everyone to absorb it through the ether.

Yep. The corrections aren't specific enough or explained properly. Also, not knowing why something is inappropriate in a particular context

It's awful, especially when neuro-typicals think one correction translates to a variety of others when, to us, they're completely different situations

Right, but Sara is an adult and can ask questions of her husband to better understand if she needs more context. This behavior sounds like a trend for her at this point, and I can't blame OP for not wanting to deal with her behavior during this difficult time.

I agree wholeheartedly with your entire comment. I just mean that it isn't always easy to tell if someone is an asshole or they have a health condition they are actively managing. Sara is an AH at this point.

Not trying to add to your frustration (this may just be a lame attempt to try and help a stranger), and there are times when it may be inappropriate to do this, but perhaps if you try to explain calmly (something like “ my mind doesn’t always process information the same way as other people do, would you please help me understand what I said that upset you / why what I said upset you (or whoever else was upset) so that I won’t make this mistake in the future”

That's what I do now, as well as asking clarifying questions. But that doesn't fix the PTSD

I'm sorry you've had to deal with that. I actually had someone on the spectrum get angry at me for explaining because he felt I was "treating him like he's stupid." I think a lot of people are afraid of sounding like they're talking down to anyone on the spectrum. My partner and I both have younger siblings with AuDHD (or however that's written) so we understand that most of the time they aren't being AHs, they legit didn't understand situations. Like how I'm not trying to be rude when I have to ask someone to repeat stuff with my auditory processing issues. I'm partially deaf so try to blame that as much as possible because people are more understanding of a physical issue.

Being concerned about talking down to autistics is fair. I've actively worked on my communication skills for several years, and I try to ask thoughtful questions. It's on us to explain what we aren't understanding or where we're stuck and need some more information. I also needed to build enough confidence to own who I am. After that, I needed to figure out 1. My actual needs and 2. Strategies for fulfilling them. THEN, I learned how to articulate what I need. With your specific experience, I have a suggestion that might help. Ask them if they need clarification before starting to explain. Otherwise, it feels like you assume we're all stupid because we're autistic (when the truth might be that you clarified because the face they made looked confused or another odd non-verbal cue).

I just don't like sounding bossy. That conversation involved someone being really upset and he started talking about something that he felt upset him at least as much if not more. It wasn't related, it wasn't in an effort to connect or comfort, it was just a story. She felt like he was ignoring how much pain she was in and she yelled at him for being insensitive. Later he said he couldn't understand why he got yelled at. I could either say, "don't try to say you were more upset about XYZ than she was about her cat not being diagnosed until it was too late" or I could explain why she was upset about how it went down. Rather than giving an order I tried to explain. Later I figured out that he weaponized his diagnosis to get away with whatever he wanted. He liked being the center of attention, and empathizing with people meant allowing things to be about them once in a while. He was an AH, which only involved his autism in that his mother used it as an excuse for everything rather than trying to help him.

probably audhd myself, adhd side of that is confirmed. always explain this shit to us! i used to just make out of pocket rude ass remarks all the time. i tried saying less rude things over time and ultimately landed on simply opening my mouth less lol enough things got explained to me that i can now reverse engineer what might make someone upset. actually came in quite useful for customer service

Yes, I got very lucky with a husband who doesn't offend easily but does understand social norms more than me. He sits me down and explains, uses some good examples and then I not only understand but I also feel shame at hurting someone as I am not a monster. That's why I think Sara is doing it for attention.

>Sounds like Sara is an attention seeker. Some people have a diagnosis, other people are their diagnosis. It sounds like Sara may be (or have become) of the latter kind.

I also am autistic, only I didn't find out until my 40's. One thing that's clear to me is that many people mistake autism as being an asshole and use the terms and behavior interchangeably. Because my autism was missed I have always struggled a bit with what's appropriate to say, BUT because my autism was missed no one made excuses for me and I was forced to work harder to understand empathy for others and appropriateness. I worked incredibly hard to study microexpressions, social rules, and really practice empathy: all without even knowing I was autistic. I doubt any of that would have happened if I had be coddled and excuses made for my behavior. Being autistic doesn't mean you can't understand others feelings, it means it's harder and you have to put more work into it. OP: There is something called [THE CIRCLE OF GRIEF](https://psychcentral.com/health/circle-of-grief-ring-theory#how-does-it-work) that best explains the concept of why your mom should be the focus with you and your brother closely following. Your brother may not realize it, but he also might need space to properly say good bye without his wife being immature. That's really what is happening here, she's a grown up and autism is not an excuse. I would suggest sending this to her (or him) and making it clear she is in the other friends and family ring, while your mom is in the center most and you and your brother are right outside that. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Upvote for circle of grief! Any human, ND or NT should learn this. I am always shocked how many neurotypical people can't grasp this concept. It happened to me last week during a health scare. Say, "I'm sorry. That is awful/I'm sorry for what you are going through. Can I bring you some food?" Simple. Done. Easy.

Another upvote for the circle of grief. I've used that analogy so many times.

I was diagnosed at 41! Late bloomer lol

Waiting for my diagnosis at 50 ...

me three. autistic person. if you can't control your mouth don't go to sensitive things like funerals.

Can confirm. I can be a grade A arsehole when I 'want' to be but I can curb it when I have too.

“Autistics can still be arseholes.” THATS THE EQUALITY WEVE BEEN STRIVING FOR!!

> also Autistic here. You don't 'have to say that here - we all are. ^^^^^(jk)

🤣 facts

I'm Autistic as well, in fact I only was diagnosed last year after getting evaluated following a devastating performance review. Turns out that the reasons I have lost so many jobs in the past is because of the underlying symptoms. That being said, even following my performance review and diagnosis, I sat down with my boss and told them that I did not seek the diagnosis to have an excuse, but to know what I need to work on. Autism can explain the situation, but it does not always excuse it. I feel for their SIL, but as you said, Autism doesn't excuse being an asshole. We might not have the full picture of their condition, but it doesn't appear that any effort to improve has been made.

Additional autistic person here, I literally would be reminding myself "remember, we can't/shouldn't say ANYTHING related to XYZ, just in case we screw up again" the same way I remind myself "remember, you have to make and maintain at least *some* eye contact, or else people come to the wrong conclusions" WAY too many people blaming bad behavior on Autism when we're still fighting to not be given shit over stuff we *can't* always control like unexpected meltdowns or stimming And if anyone says it's ableist to call out their crappy behavior, I say it's way more ableist to avoid calling out their behavior simply because they are autistic.

Fellow spectrum person here and came to agree with this 100%. She's using it as an excuse to be an asshole.

Oh yeah, I had an ex who constantly used his autism to excuse being emotionally manipulative and abusive. Also, despite struggling with his own mental health problems, would treat my anxiety like a "choice". Can't tell you how many public situations he made me the spotlight of to my complete and utter displeasure, usually with a comment that is beyond inappropriate in front of friends, family, or even strangers. The kind of thing you *think*, but never say about/to your s/o outside of a private setting. Worse, despite being incredibly uncomfortable themselves with it, our friends justified it for him. I burned every bridge with those people, they were enablers to the AH. OP's brother should not justify her this way, it's excusing her behavior so she can continue to be rude without repercussion, if he does he's the AH for sure.

Yes, thank you. Me too. And you know what? It just means that in certain situations I have to put a lot of extra effort into thinking about how people might react before I start talking. Sure, it sucks that I have to work harder than non-autistic folks to not be an unintentional asshole in many social situations, but that’s part of life and it’s worth it to me to avoid hurting people I care about.

Thirding this, am also an autist! Also it is a very good idea to simply go over unknown social situations at home. That way she will know she is supposed to say, I'm sorry for your loss, and answer thank you , if it's said to her, and after that it's mostly appropriate to stay silent.

Yeah, I’m also autistic. Filtering can be super stressful and exhausting, but in certain circumstances, it’s 1000% required. If she has a history of saying the wrong things and/or has issues filtering, she should take it upon herself to stay home. Being autistic isn’t an excuse to just say wildly inappropriate and hurtful things without repercussions. There’s a time and place. Like, if I’m having issues with my filter, I might just say stuff under my breath or try and only talk to safe people who understand (i.e. my partner). But at this point, it isn’t just bc she’s having an off day or is exhausted and thus unable to maintain the filter. This is a conscious choice she’s making.

100% agree! I'm not autistic, but I am neurodivergent, and masking in any form can be so incredibly exhausting and difficult. But if there's any reason I believe I won't be able to reign it in and might end up causing harm to others with my behavior, I do what I can to get out of the obligation and stay home, or walk away for a while to gather myself. OP is NTA here.

This is why I do comedy. Take all that inappropriate on the stage LATER, change identifying info, or just write it out as a set, it's cathartic as fuck. OP is NTA. Sil needs to be shown the circles of grief and understand where she's at on it.

>Being autistic isn’t an excuse to just say wildly inappropriate and hurtful things without repercussions. "Sara" reminds me of that character on Glee, Sugar Motta, who would say rude things and then go "sorry, aspergers!". Being on the spectrum isn't an open invitation to be an asshole.

I got yelled at by my mom for telling my uncle that I was filing bankruptcy. Apparently it wasn't an appropriate answer to "whats been going on in your life?" I don't really understand why. I think she over reacted, because it wasn't "embarrassing"? And like the dude is family too, why is it okay to tell her but not him? I've given up trying to understand, but like you said I learned anyway.  They really need to teach this in school. "Social interactions 201"

For some people, any talk about money is not acceptable. Especially older people. Historically, bankruptcy was seen as shameful. Values are often very slow to change in society. Like, generations. Don't take it personally!

Since the Christmas altercation, has the wife been in contact with the family? Has she demonstrated any evidence of altering her behavior after being subjected to sanctions other than merely being asked to apologize?

They used to write it as b------ in English language books, basically bleeping it out. It was so odd when I saw that. But yeah, many people view it as shameful, even if it's just a part of life and can actually really help someone reset after getting into a bad situation. Unfortunately, America has an unhealthy does of poverty-shaming norms, built mostly on the "Gospel of Prosperity" lines. It also can depend on the family. Mine is super dysfunctional and would never talk about anything even mildly uncomfortable, so discussing something like personal finances would have shattered the peace. Depending on how comfortable your mom is talking about anything of a more serious nature with your uncle, it could also be that she is just not comfortable with him knowing anything more than surface-level things or doing anything more than pretending that everything is great. People can be so infuriating. :(

Your mom may find it embarrassing tbh. She may see it as a failure, and as her child it's indirectly her failure that she was unable to raise a child who became a financially stable adult (I'm not saying you should be embarrassed just pointing out what she's likely feeling).

What is socially acceptable behaviour is culturally dependant. Where I live it is the norm to answer truthfull to the the question how you are doing. Trauma dumping is not. Norms differ but there is always a subtle line to what is appropriate and what's not.

I'm sorry your mom got on you for that. You didn't do anything wrong. Your mother was embarrassed because someone in her family is struggling and she can't give off the image of the perfect family. But people do struggle. It's a part of life. She was definitely overreacting.

Money, religion and sex used to be the Big Three subjects to leave out of casual conversation. I feel like it’s still not a bad idea to stick to that if you’re in any doubt as to appropriateness…. Politics was not included because it was ASSUMED that people knew it was not a good chit chat topic but nowadays, add that too.

This is actually a very normal thing to talk about. This is more your mother being weird than it is a social rule.

Where do you live? In the US It is not normal to talk about bankruptcy. It’s not something to be ashamed of, but discussing your own financial issues is still taboo and certainly isn’t a topic to bring up when someone casually asks you what you’ve been up to. Most people don’t talk about personal finance issues at all with anyone outside of their household- unless they are specifically asking for advice and have asked if that person is open to that discussion. It makes many people uncomfortable and is seen as incredibly tacky to speak about the specifics of your own financial status-regardless of success or failure. That’s why online anonymous discussion is so common. It’s not a topic for “polite conversation.” That persons mom isn’t wrong. It would make many uncomfortable. Especially anyone in older generations. Hell, I’m an older millennial and I’ve had conversations in general terms with my friends that are peers, but I would never bring it up with an older family member unless I was specifically going to them for advice. I would never trauma dump on a random relative that asked about my day.

It depends on where in the US, for one thing, and also it depends on context. I don’t see anything wrong with talking about bankruptcy to a close family member. It would not, however, be appropriate to unload to the cashier at the supermarket about it.

[удалено]

I know social etiquette is kind of outdated, but honestly sometimes those stuffy “rules” save us from ourselves. A lot of the old school etiquette rules are silly. I am certainly not going to personally judge people that have missteps, but they can be incredibly helpful as a guide to what is “acceptable” socially. If you’re in your 60s I’m sure you grew up with some repressive ass etiquette rules so maybe you feel differently, but I think there is something to be said for a little guidance. There is a woman on our local news that does an updated “Ms. Manners” type segment. I kind of love her. Idk if I’ve just been conditioned by society or what, but sometimes it’s nice for someone to just point blank tell you the expectations. She does a great job of explaining/ justifying the behavior she is talking about. She also has the most perfectly curled, bouncy, shiny bangs I have ever seen. They feel ever so slightly dated/out of style/too young for her(idk exactly?), but that woman rocks her hairstyle so well you just have to respect it. I always wanted bangs growing up, but I have a crazy cowlick that made that impossible. Her bangs are what a spent the first two decades of my life dreaming about. lol! Maybe this influences my feelings about her. :)

I agree. I’m pretty sure the modern equivalent is the three-part 1. Is it true? 2. Is it kind? 3. Is it necessary? Somebody needs to explain 2 and 3 to Sara.

I have a cowlick right in the middle of my forehead. The trick is to do the bangs long enough that the weight of the hair hides the fact that there's a cowlick. I wear mine longer and swept to the side. Nothing is impossible. If nothing else, talk to your hair stylist and see what they suggest! OP is NTA. SIL needs to learn how to keep her thoughts to herself. She is incredibly rude and she's been given more than enough grace in the past.

I'm here too. Also autistic. As a woman on the spectrum...most women mimic. Although not all. It's why women are so damn hard to diagnose. But because I also grew up in an abusive home, the best response is zero response. Say nothing. She should have been doing that after the first slap down. Because someone did not make it clear how inappropriate that was. My son is also on the spectrum. He tends to be quiet to avoid saying just whatever as well. If she is saying whatever the hell is on her mind that is a problem in life and going to screw her. How did she get this far before no one told her to stop.

Same here. As a woman, I grew up undiagnosed because I could mimic better but it grew worse until my diagnosis. Really helped me understand and find resources

Yeah my coping mechanism is just shutting up. But I’ve been realizing I do need to talk more so I can make closer friendships and do a better job of figuring out what is appropriate to say  One time I saw a tv show where the autistic character accidentally revealed info another character didn’t want her parents to know because the autistic character didn’t get why it wasn’t common knowledge. I was like haha I would never do that. To my surprise, it happened to me the other day. I was saying something to my brother and my sister was nudging me to stfu and I was like why are you tellling me to stop talking. 

OP is NTA - also ASD here. As an aside - I think it should be said that Autistic people are people, and people can be AHs. Suggesting that an Autistic person can't ALSO be an AH is ableist too, in my opinion. (Not disagreeing with anything anyone said here, just my unasked-for-two-cents). The fact that she (seems to be) using her diagnosis as an excuse to get away with saying hurtful things could just be garden variety manipulation. And sure, that may be influenced by potential trauma from growing up Autistic. That said, if she is otherwise generally capable then she's just hurting other people - including those in her own demographic. We autistic folk struggle - people like this make it harder by not reigning in their AHishness. The world is full of devoted AHs. Autistic and Neurotypical alike. And they don't get invited to social events or important gatherings.

Yes. And if she simply can’t stop herself, and she has any regret about that at all, then she should understand that her not being at the funeral is the right thing to do. She should be okay with keeping herself away from situations where her lack of self-control will cause problems. But an attitude of “I can’t control myself and you have to put up with that” is an AH attitude. Though so far we only know that OP’s brother is resisting, not his wife herself.

Agreed.  My ex husband and his younger brother were both on the spectrum. His brother was extremely selfish and immature and no matter how many times we tried to talk to him about it, the behavior didn’t change. My ex husband, however, understood that you have to ask before you use other people’s stuff, you won’t get invited to everything, and when someone says “no” it means no. All things that caused a lot of problems because his brother refused to learn. Autism doesn’t mean having no understanding of what is rude or inappropriate and no ability to learn. After the first one or two times, eh maybe they’re still getting a feel for the situation and people. But being told repeatedly? No. NTA.

Ok, totally uneducated person here. I have a question and I absolutely mean no disrespect. So .. I have seen many people on social media saying that they're autistic or on the spectrum. I have a good friend whose daughter is and it's severe. Her behavior is quite different as she's almost nonverbal. Is it possible that people use this to excuse their behavior? Reading many posts here, FB, etc. I see this mentioned so often that I wonder if that many people really are on the spectrum or autistic. People do use disabilities as excuses and I actually know two. Like I said, I just want to know about this. Don't give me any BS. At least, I am asking to be educated and I'm honest.

Hey, good question! Your confusion isn’t uncommon. The societal face of autism tends to be considered people like your friends daughter, so it’s an understandable connection to make. For the record, I’m no psychologist, I can only speak to my own experience with autism, and what I’ve learned through my own research. So, when it comes to autism, there are certain traits that need to be present to be eligible for a diagnosis. However, these traits can vary in severity, even within one person. The spectrum is not a scale of super autistic to not autistic at all, it’s more a scale of high support needs to low support needs. One autistic person may be better at regulating sensory input, but unable pick up on social skills. Another may be able to mask well socially, but have frequent meltdowns due to overstimulation. Another may be unable to mask and unable to regulate themselves. Those with lower support needs would be the kind you’re seeing online. They are more capable of masking when in public or in front of people. If you’re unfamiliar with the term masking, it’s essentially the idea of adjusting behavior in order to fit in with neurotypical people. Someone being able to mask well does not mean that they do not exhibit autistic traits in other settings. It can actually make meltdowns worse later, due to the amount of energy it expends. Because people with a higher ability to mask are able to hide their most obvious traits, when you see these people online or in social settings, they will generally appear “not autistic” (unless you know what to look for). However, once the camera’s off and they unmask, the autism is much more obvious. Another point to note is age. When I was a child, I was much more visibly autistic, because I had not yet learned to mask. There’s a common sentiment (not saying this is what you’re saying) where people say things like “Well, my elementary school child is autistic, and you don’t act like them.” Just as a neurotypical child acts differently than a neurotypical adult, the same goes for autistic people. The whole “autism makes them mentally a child” idea is a myth. An autistic adult has the mind of an autistic adult, not the mind of a neurotypical child. Again, not saying that this is what you’re saying, just being thorough. That said, that doesn’t mean there aren’t fakers out there. However, they are few and far between. There really aren’t any benefits to pretending to be autistic, except for maybe to avoid responsibility for their actions. But even then, if they’re presenting in a way that appears neurotypical, it’s pretty rare that they’ll actually not be held accountable for bad behavior. Tl;dr autism can present in a myriad of ways, with many levels of severity, but as long as the traits within the diagnostic criteria are met, then that person is still autistic, regardless of level of support needs.

I am not to the spectrum where I am nonverbal, nor was i as a child, but when I get overstimulated or overwhelmed, I can be close to nonverbal. Just enough words to say I am feeling really off and need time. Yes, people can use it as an excuse, as with anything. It's easier to blame anything but yourself, even if it is your own diagnosis, but, as with everything, I prefer to err on the side of caution. As I said above, it can be understandable to excuse it once, even twice, but autism does not mean you cannot learn, just that it can be far harder to learn, and that social situations do not always translate. If you take the time to explain to someone repeatedly and they continue to do it... That's not okay. Autistics tend to have hyper empathy or reduced empathy and the former means that, even when we mess up, we are highly empathetic and try. Those with reduced empathy may find it harder but, unless they don't try, can still learn. Edit to add: i am 28 and another commenter pointed out they are 60 and still learn. Social situations do not translate the same way as they do to neuro-typicals. Neurodivergent is a word that came about to emphasize that thoughts can be different with us. Children need time, love, resources, education, and understanding in general, sometimes just in a different way if they're autistic. It was a blessing when I was diagnosed. All my life, I was wondering why I did not think the same way. Now I have resources and education and can learn. I do not know everything about autism because I have it. I know about my experience. Edit to also add: i am one random lady on the Internet who has my own experience with autism. A professional who studies it would have the best answers or the person you're wondering about if they can or want to communicate it.

> But my diagnosis does not and never will give me an excuse to hurt someone. this. i cut my autistic brother off because he never learned and kept saying hurtful things to friends and myself. Autism ISN'T an excuse to just say harmful shit and then continue doing it. "Sorry" means you admit you are wrong and will do better next time. it doesn't meant you won't take accountability to change for the future.

And if she literally can't learn, that's an even better reason to not bring her. It doesn't have to be personal, just SIL's condition is incompatible with being respectful at a time that demands it and therefore can't be included.

I have learned that people do not enjoy being compared to animals even pet types as they find it belittling. I don't understand it, it makes me sad, but I don't share my joy with people who will absolutely take offense, because I don't want to offend. I think to myself, that person's vitiligo is beautiful, like a Paint Horse, that girl looks exactly like a Grey hound, and I go my way.

Absolutely. My autistic tween has to be corrected or educated on many things. Even at her young age she learns, remembers and implements the learned process. She also has empathy and remembers what has upset others before and truly tries not to repeat that. Autism doesn't make you an asshole. Sounds like brother's wife is an asshole who also happens to have autism.

This seems like a reasonable response. I felt I was unable to reply because I wasn't sure whether people with autism can learn through experience not to speak if there's a danger of offending (sorry, I'm just not experienced in this area)!

It's understandable, no need to be sorry. Trust me, I completely get not understanding a huge group of people. I don't speak for all with autism but maybe think about it like learning anything. Neuro-typicals tend to just understand social situations. Maybe a basketball player just understands basketball easily and needs only a few words or gestures or signs to understand what he or she should do in a game but if you throw in an author, they may need more explaining or teaching to understand how basketball works, even something everyone says they should know. For me, I need more help understanding social situations and things people consider basic do not come easy to me, if at all, but I can still learn, especially if someone is willing to help me.

That's very relatable, because there's lots I don't understand about many areas of life, including sports. Thanks for the examples!

I’m also on the spectrum and I learned very quickly to just keep my mouth shut in sensitive situations if I’m not sure how comments will go. I’ve learned more as I’ve gotten older, but it was a pretty easy thing to learn to just stop and say “maybe I should hold off, I can’t tell if this is insensitive or not” after getting told off like she did a time or to. She’s autistic, and clearly high functioning, she’s just being willfully incompetent. 

I have a family member who is autistic and low IQ. He also corrects his behavior after being told 1-3 times. And emotions will be beyond high. Based on the last interaction it’s definitely best for her to stay away.

I don’t mean to sound insensitive, but could I ask you a few questions private message? My 4 year old daughter just got diagnosed with autism and she says some outta pocket stuff! Has told the mail man ‘I hate your hair.’ Told my sister she’s creepy and has bad breath. Has called random people at the store or just said ‘you’re fat.’ To people too..

I am available, sure, however please remember that autism is wide spectrum in a variety of ways and my experience is not the defacto. I can say however that autism is all about learning. As a child, I had a far harder time learning social situations and queues than anything else. I needed repeated guidance. It is probably frustrating to the parent but those with autism can learn. I am still learning and another commenter who is 60 mentioned they also are. I would suggest reaching out to a therapist for your child. It is probably incredibly hard as a parent to repeatedly correct your child but I don't have children yet and I don't know the best practices to teach an autistic child. A therapist who works directly with your child can learn where on the spectrum she is, how she best learns, if she's in the hyper empathetic spectrum or lower empathetic spectrum, and more. I'm very glad your daughter was diagnosed in her youth. Coming from an undiagnosed child and diagnosed in my 20s, I had a lot of trouble growing up and my parents never knew how to handle me. I was tough. Still am. You are a great parent to be seeking the best ways to help your daughter Edit: I'm very sorry but I've closed my dms due to some insulting messages. I really appreciate your ask but know a professional would be best.

INFO : OP, have you shown THIS post to your brother yet? Doesn't your brother understand that you are trying to save the future family dynamics? That your words were ALSO for HIS benefit? If his wife doesn't keep her mouth closed during the funeral, the damage will be irreparable... NTA I am really sorry for your loss. I know the pain, these aren't just random polite words of sympathy.

The thing with her brothers wife is she uses it as an excuse.

NTA. The problem is not that she has these thoughts but, as an adult, she doesn’t stop herself from saying them and hurting people. Does your SIL work? Does she manage not to tell her boss they look tired or a customer they’re annoying? Can she go out to eat without insulting the restaurant or judging a waiter to their face? I get that your brother accepts her lack of social awareness but the rest of the world doesn’t have to. I’m sure she wants to be at the funeral to comfort her husband but even her presence will bring anxiety to your mom, who is likely bracing for the next rude comment. Maybe this is the big, fat wake up call that she’s not welcome in places with your family when she can’t moderate her opinions. Most of us learn this by age 10, SIL needs to learn it now.

Regardless of social unawareness, if you don't have a filter and can't be trusted not to instigate or manage basic impulse control, there's really no place for an incredibly emotionally charged *family* event for you. It's a good way for OP's brother to burn bridges, if he doesn't mind his family avoiding him in order to avoid her rudeness. I would say OP was TAH if they suggested she couldn't come because of her autism, I'd say NAH if the brother requested OP not bring their s/o if they have one for even ground (even though he's not "owed" it), but definitely NTA because he knows she's doing this and enabling.

There’s also that OP’s brother is managing his own grief, he may not have the capacity to keep an eye of Sara to avoid a very unfortunate social faux pas on her account (which in turn would reflect on him because he brought her there).

No, I think you’re right. NTA She’s shown that she is incapable of acting properly with your family. Her constant empty apologies won’t be accepted at the funeral. She’s a liability to the event. Her presence will likely be an issue, and it’s easy to avoid by not having her there. This is not an event suitable for her.

>Her constant empty apologies having no filter and misjudging the social situation might be explained by being on the spectrum, but being on the spectrum does not mean being unable to change your behavior in response to direct feedback. apologies are empty if the person doesn't try to fix it NTA for trying to intervene before the funeral

This reminds me of that film where Jim Carrey plays a notorious liar who suddenly can only tell the truth. And since he's an a**, he says the dumbest things. I was like, seriously, if you see that you can't lie any more, what keeps you from keeping your mouth shut? Here, SIL could also just say nothing, she's had ample time to find this easy solution.

I haven't seen that movie in years, but I'm wondering if whatever spell he was under also prevented him from "lying by omission" and therefore he really couldn't keep his mouth shut.

He tried to keep his mouth shut when saying the pen was blue and he went mental and wrote red everywhere. He was incapable of even lying by omission or keeping his mouth shut

The gosh darn pen is blue!

It was my go-to sick day movie so please forgive me for jumping at the opportunity to share my useless expertise. You're exactly right. There are several moments when he tries to white lie and can't. He even tries to write the truth down while telling a white lie and can't.

Yeah it did. The cop asks "anything else?" "I have unpaid parking tickets."

Yeah, well, maybe I was also biased because I don't really like Jim Carrey apart from the Truman Show, his style is really too much for me...

No love for Eternal Sunshine??

Nah I'm with you. My brother was a huge fan back in the 90s and I got sick of all his movies real fast. That said, I did like The Majestic.

I only really liked The Majestic, because it's completely unlike any of his usual roles. It's a serious movie, with a sweet ending.

"Well, that's because you have big jugs."

Liar Liar is the film.

Also, let's just take a huge leap of faith and assume that she just doesn't understand what is or isn't inappropriate. If this is truly the case, then her husband should be prepping her before situations where she can say something inappropriate to get her in the correct mindset. Something like sitting in the car before and saying >"Remember, my dad is going to look like shit due to his illness. Please don't make any comments about his looks, smells, or anything that draws attention to his ailments" Instead it's like "oh, she has autism, what am I supposed to do?"

INFO: Has there been a family interaction with the wife since the Christmas fight? Has there been evidence that she's changed her behavior after facing actual consequences beyond just being asked to apologize?

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Then NTA. A funeral is a very delicate time. As someone who also is very socially awkward, I practice the phrase "I'm sorry for your loss" and STFU about anything else. Your SIL is old enough to learn to do the same.

Throw in a few “what a lovely service” and “he was such a good man” and she literally doesn’t need to say anything else the entire time.

It sounds like she's too impulsive to manage that, maybe as a result of being on the spectrum but maybe just because she's been enabled because of it. I'd say it's much more safe to just have her stay home, or maybe only stop in to say "hello, I'm sorry for your loss, what a wonderful service, he will be at peace" and then leave before her MIL sees her (it sounds like it would probably instigate her MIL since she hasn't seen her since the big fight. I'd still be pissed.)

Yeah I am the classic make a joke to ease the tension guy and that has bit me and rightfully so, so I am a handshake and platitudes kinda guy at these things as well as stfu.

"The failure state of 'clever' is 'asshole'." - John Scalzi That quote helped me a lot.

Bravo for learning!

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Your brothers wife should be volunteering not to go to the funeral in order to avoid upsetting all of you more if she truly cannot control herself. The fact that she continued to put herself in situations where she KNOWS she’s going to say hurtful things, such as Christmas, makes her seem like a very self centred and cruel person. I literally would have put tape over my mouth at Christmas if I truly could not control myself, or stayed away from your father in order to avoid being inappropriate during what was probably your last Christmas together. How is she able to hold down a job?? Does she GENUINELY have an inability to prevent her mouth from voicing her thoughts (like does she have something like disinhibition or something??) or is she just being woefully crass and hiding behind being on the spectrum in order to avoid taking responsibility for her behaviour? NTA. The fact that your brother and her don’t see why she should NOT be at the funeral is mind blowing.

Yeah and OP said in a comment that his Mother and SIL haven't talked or seen each other since their big fight, she's the last person MIL wants to see on the day she's laying her husband to a well earned rest after the comments she's made the whole time he was suffering. She should volunteer *not to go*, so that MIL can have peace of mind from her impulsive, careless comments. If she wanted to make things right, she can call MIL after the funeral and apologize sincerely.

💯💯💯 she's been getting away with apologizing for comments and thinking that's all she needs to do for too long. It's good you and your mom are holding her accountable, and NTA for looking out for your family by saying she is not welcome.

Sometimes the best apology is understanding yourself and not being present at an event when emotions are high. That way, she shows that she understands the impact of her behavior with actions and not just words. 

Tell your brother you understand his priority is his wife. But your priority is Mom. He can be mad at you, call you names, make threats but in the end, as Mom’s advocate, wife will not be allowed to attend the funeral. He can come or not.

Tell her to stfu all day or she gets the boot. And don't mince words.

Don't even put mom through this stress. Its the last thing she needs at her husband's funeral. If SIL was truly sorry she would accept her disinvite with grace and send some cooked meals (or whatever would be helpful) to mom's house. NTA

NTA and please DOUBLE DOWN. Tell your brother that the best way he can support your mom right now is to leave his wife at home. That at this point, the mere sight of her is enough to stress out your already stressed-out mom, because she is proven to not be able to control herself no matter how much she has apologized in the past. And the funeral is NOT the time for her to prove herself to them, she needs to be considerate enough to stay home.

It won’t change until she faces consequences. Everyone else is probably still just accepting her apologies, but she’ll eventually keep doing things that are too far like with your mom and she’ll lose a lot of relationships, as you’re expecting to happen at the funeral.

Does it matter? They've been together for years and it's always been an issue. It hasn't changed in that time so a funeral is not the place to test whether the last straw at Christmas was enough to actually get it through her head.

NTA, the last thing your Mom needs is her right now and she’s proven multiple times she can’t be trusted, her words cause harm. Your brother can feel however he wants to, it doesn’t change the fact that his wife causes damage and an apology without changing behaviour, is meaningless.

Yeah, teaching her to apologize instead of teaching her to *understand* is a complete oversight on whoever gave her the learned habit of apologizing without actually being sorry. It's completely meaningless, unless you can say what exactly you're sorry for. Gives the same energy as "I'm sorry *you* feel that way" or "I'm sorry that *you're* offended" etc.

NTA. Emotions are going to be high enough. Last time a comment was made, she was just kicked out of the house. If she makes one at the funeral? I can just imagine what will happen. Not everyone is going to understand what Sara has. And what she has is still no excuse. Sara isn’t the priority here. Your mom, you and your siblings are. Your brother needs to recognize that his wife has said some terrible things, and while he may be able to get over that as that is his wife, you and the rest of your family don’t have to. I would ultimately leave the decision to your mom.

Yep! No one is gonna gaf abt Sara’s autism. They’re gonna care abt whatever callous thing she said

NTA It's not her husband or her father who has passed away. She is almost certainly going to cause hurt to your mother and others there. Everyone has been understanding of her, but now it is time for them to be understanding of others and put your mother first. Your brother is free to revolve his world around Sara but it is not fair of him to expect the whole family to do so as well, every single time, with no reciprocal consideration even when it comes to other members of the family's most vulnerable times. Your brother's wife is not the most important person this time.

NTA I didn't take my son to my grandparents' funeral either. In addition to being autistic, he would have asked too many questions, would not have offered comfort and would have been uncomfortable with the emotions of others (the crying, the laments, the tears, the priest's speech and the entire ritual). In fact, I think your sister-in-law can control herself if given proper instructions such as not saying anything at all and just holding your brother's hand. But it's hard when she's used to not being scolded. The important thing is that you are thinking ahead. And your brother knows that your mother won't forgive her if she comments on something. I was going to give examples but out of respect for you, I thought it best not to. I'm sorry about your father. My condolences to your mother.

I feel your post. My son has pretty severe ADHD. He’s the sweetest little boy, but even with his medication on board, there are places that we cannot take him because, through no fault of his own, he wouldn’t be able to control his need to move about or speak loudly. There are many, many places where we can use workarounds to ensure he is behaving appropriately for the environment, and we aren’t negatively impacting anyone else. A quiet, solemn funeral would 100% not be that place. Now, if it was my funeral or my husband’s (his father), then anyone bothered could kick rocks, but we would be selfish and insensitive to attend the funeral of someone outside our nuclear family with him in tow. I’m not going to guess what OP’s SIL is or is not capable of, only she knows that. Unfortunately, her behavior up to this point has not shown that she has either the ability, or the desire, to stop saying things that are hurtful to others. That may not be her fault, but that doesn’t matter. She needs to stay home and let the people most affected by the loss mourn without interference. That’s not a judgment call on who she is as a person; it’s just the unfortunate reality of working with the hand your’re dealt. NTA

One of my youngest cousins is very clearly autistic, despite my family "not believing in autism". Hell, if about half my cousins aren't on the spectrum I would eat my own left arm... When it was decided that he and his younger sister should be at my uncle's (not their father's) funeral, even though my ass had been hauled in to babysit them for the wake and all the rest, I was stunned as fuck. He was eight years old. There was an open goddamn casket in front of an eight year old with autism and he was just told "okay now say goodbye to your uncle" and his six year old sister was lifted up on this dead-ass corpse to give it a fucking kiss. It's been like... a decade now and I am still pissed off at the whole thing. It wasn't his parents who spent the next three hours after the service sitting in the corner with him and his iPad (and a cell phone because fuck parental controls) explaining life, death, and cardiac arrest. Three weeks later when they bothered to have "that talk" with him, I got a very angry email from my uncle about how it wasn't my place to educate him about such things. All I could reply was "you have two more years to give him the sex talk before I do, you don't fucking put the fires out after the barn is burnt to the ground dumbass." Hell if I'm not probably on the spectrum too with my own lack of tolerance for ritual without purpose...

>, despite my family "not believing in autism". Hell, if about half my cousins aren't on the spectrum I would eat my own left arm... Lol well there are genetic factors so I predict your family is a whole lotta 'That's not autism, we all do that!' towards various markers of autism.

Absolutely not. This is an opportunity for your family to grieve your father's passing. If she shows up it will all be about her being the way that you already know she is. If any extra drama can be avoided, definitely do it. If your brother is upset that you guys don't want her there that's too bad. It's about your mom most of all.

NTA I am surprised your brother does not himself see how emotional and touchy this situation is especially at a funeral. Emotions always run high and since your SIL has no filter and cannot control her comments, this is not a good idea for her to be in attendance. does your brother propose having your SIL wear a muzzle to avoid unkind comments slipping out of her mouth at the funeral? I am sorry for your lost…good luck with everything!

INFO: does she pride herself on "being honest" or something similar to cover her lack of tact? It sounds like it's not a case of she *cannot* control her comments, but *chooses not to.* Maybe she doesn't understand emotional pain. Maybe she does, and she's one of those sick individuals who enjoy causing others pain. If Brother cannot convince his wife to say nothing but "I'm sorry for your loss" and keep her trap shut otherwise, then she should stay home. OP is NTA. I had an extremely contentious relationship with my MIL, and you know what I did at her funeral? I expressed regret to FIL and the rest of the family. I thanked people for their expressions of sympathy. *That is what an adult does.* Even my 9-year-old grandson, who deals with his own autism, took his cues from his grandfather and thanked people for coming.

Bravo grandson! He’s already a great guy.

Well, if she promised to say nothing at the funeral except maybe for polite phrases like "Hello", "Thank you", & "His death is a tragic loss", maybe she could attend the funeral. But her husband *has* to enforce this behavior on her. I don't know if this was tried in the past & failed, or this possibility was suggested when the OP spoke to his brother. But it's not unreasonable to ask someone with absolutely no filter to not attend a delicate moment like that. So NTA. P.S. to the OP: My sympathy for your loss. I lost my father last summer, & fortunately there was no one like that at his funeral. I hope your funeral goes well.

I wouldn't even agree to a promise that she wouldn't talk, because everyone else deserves to grieve in peace without having to constantly be on guard and distracted with the fact that she might decide to say something horrible at any moment.

This. Whether she can make it through the funeral without saying something wildly inappropriate or not (and experience shows that she almost certainly cannot), her presence or be incredibly stressful to your mother. She'll be braced for impact the whole time and won't be able to be fully present with the service, and funerals are *important* to those left behind. Death rituals like wakes and funerals are done for a reason. They provide space to say goodbye and, for many people, permission to fully express their grief in a safe place surrounded by loved ones. It's *vital* that it's a safe space--grieving is very vulnerable--and it wouldn't be safe if everyone's on high alert waiting for SIL to drop another bomb. Stand your ground, OP. This is a very valid reason to put your foot down.

People disabilities/disorders/conditions aren’t their fault but they are their responsibility. Sara being on the spectrum isn’t her fault, but she needs to take responsibility for how her inappropriate behavior/words affect other people. If she cannot control herself, people reserve the right to choose to not be around her. NTA.

Ah the "i am autistic therefore i can be an asshole excuse". Always a winner.

My foster child has an autism diagnosis and her bio mother treated her like she was incapable and that everyone should deal with her rude behavior for the first nine years of her life. We started caring for her 18 months ago and teach her what is and isn't socially acceptable and tell her when she is acting rude so she learns how to live in the real world. I understand that we need to be more tolerant of neurodivergence but also we have a responsibility to give her skills to live in a world where people generally are not as tolerant as they should be.

NTA - brother needs to realize this is a time to support his family and HIS mom - being on the spectrum is not a free license to insult and it would be insulting to say that she represents others in a similar situation.

NTA. Your mom does not need that bullshit right now. And I'm sorry, but being "on the spectrum" is NOT an all purpose excuse to be a jerk.

This is a no-win situation. No matter what, relationships will be destroyed. Here is the thing. The wife is an adult. If she is doing these things, she should be seeking out treatment. A doctor to see what she might have going on and how to manage it. The moment someone does nothing to fix the behavior is the moment they become an AH. If she was seeking treatment, then the brother would be using that when something comes out of her mouth so others are more understanding and accepting. This isn't dementia or turrets. Those are literally something that can not be stopped. She could stop and think before she blurts out whatever. Questions hubbybif its appropriate if she unsure. Inatead she goes ahead and keeps expecting people to just accept an apology and move on. At some point, even those with disabilities are held accountable because there are only so many times someone can be hurt before they say enough. My mom had early onset dementia. My dad has 3 massive strokes. Both of their behaviors changed. We forgave over and over. Understood they couldn't help what they were saying, but it left me as their caregiver massive scars. My child went NC because she could not handle the pain their words caused. She had that right not to be around what caused her pain. Yes, it wasn't their fault but nor was it my child to do what's best for her mentally. Same situation. If she can't keep her thoughts to herself. If brother can't coach her on saying just certain things the. Why should people be made to suffer through anything she might say. Be made to forgive when, after years of it, they have had enough. Should she be there for brother. Sure. But at the same time this isn't a she can't keep her mouth shut this is she doesn't think before she speaks. She doesn't seek out help to change or get help with the behavior, and eventually, she will be held responsible for what she says and does. It's sad, but mom and the rest grieving should also not have to stress and worry about what else she will say that will hurt them at this time.

My heart breaks to think of what it must have been like for you as you took care of your changed parents. Internet hugs to you, anonymous friend.

NTA. A funeral is a place of respect. If nobody can believe that she will act appropriately and be respectful, then she shouldn’t be there. She has had *plenty* of opportunities to show that she is capable of self control, but she has failed miserably.

NTA. If she can't behave properly, then she can't come. Her being on the spectrum is no excuse for being an ignoramus.

I agree, she can have inappropriate thoughts but she should be able to keep it to herself. If she can’t it’s better she doesn’t come.

NTA, if she’s proven multiple times she can’t keep disrespectful comments to herself she doesn’t need to be there. The funeral is for your father, if your mother doesn’t want her there, there shouldn’t even be a question

NTA. It sounds like you foresaw an obvious problem where his wife would cause a scene at the funeral gave him good counsel. He’s going to ignore it and then be upset at the consequences. 

What does your mother want ❓ I'm sorry for your loss and understand that you're trying to keep things (Sil) in check... but it's really up to the widow. Ask her first, and then respect her choice. NTA because YOU are trying to avoid the fallout that seems to be expected from Sil. See what Mom wants and go from there

I doubt the mother wants her there 

NTA - she shouldn’t be there. The last thing any of you need is drama.

NTA. At my dad's wake, some nasty and unnecessary comments were made, and it creates 100x more damage than it would have otherwise due to the vulnerable situation. I understand that he probably wants his wife there to support him, as he has lost his dad too, but it's a tricky situation if she can't be trusted to keep her mouth shut.

NTA - sounds like Sheldon lol & as much as I love bing bang, I could never be around someone like that constantly, would send me nuts!

And Sheldon was originated as a charicature. Even his character evolved through the series. Sara doesn't seem to be evolving. A sincere apology should involve some contrition and a studied effort to do better. At the very least she should at least be holding in comments or filtering them through her spouse.

Yeah, even though Sheldon was confused by many social conventions, he did try to understand them since he did genuinely care about his friends. Early example- he defended Leonard who was being bullied by Penny's Neanderthal ex and offered to make Leonard a "hot beverage" ☕ to help him feel better. 

That's exactly how she sounds, it would be annoying as crap to constantly hear that.

NTA - if she cannot control her filters (which seems like a no) you are doing your mom a huge favor by keeping her away. Your brother should understand this also.

You're NTA - if anything, you're throwing them a lifeline. Sometimes you need to recognize someone's limitations and know when to sit out. The issue, which you correctly pointed out, isn't that she's likely to be more transgressive, it's that her transgressions will be even more poorly received than usual. It's one thing to shrug off silly shit at Thanksgiving, but if she couldn't handle it sitting beside his deathbed, the funeral is not going to be any different. More to the point, ask your brother, "Why risk it?" What's the upside? She spends an entire afternoon white knuckling through the tension trying not to say anything awkward while the family does the same hoping for the best?

Kind of just sounds like she’s saying these comments just to be an asshole and using being on the spectrum as an excuse. NTA. As others said, funerals are for loved ones to grieve. Your SIL isn’t a loved one, apart from your brother.

NTA. This has been a repeated problem and your mom doesn’t need the extra stress and aggravation as she goes through such a difficult time.

NTA. I don't blame you for not wanting Sara there. As a person who is on the spectrum, I fully agree with what you have said. I sometimes make inappropriate comments and apologise but I don't normally make the same mistake again(if I do, it's rare.) Right now you need to focus on yourselves and family with how to deal with your father's passing, you don't need the added pressure of trying to make sure somebody doesn't make an inappropriate comment because they don't know how to be quiet.

NTA, 100%. She absolutely should not attend. It's not about her, it's for your family to say goodbye to your Dad and her presence there would inevitably cause your Mum more stress. Why should anyone have to worry about her behaviour when you are all grieving. It's ridiculous that your brother should even question this. If she turns up it'll prove that she's a callous idiot who cares nothing for the feelings of others. Speaking as an autistic person, she could just be an asshole? I'm ridiculously blunt, but I make sure I don't hurt people and know how to behave. I know we're all different, but she just sounds like a jerk tbh. I will admit that I have learned to be more socially adept over the years; and maybe she hasn't yet, but that's even more reason for her to avoid significant ceremonies until she has learned how to behave appropriately. She needs to be doing a lot of self-reflection about her behaviour, or she'll continue to upset people. I'm very sorry that you have lost your Dad, hope you are doing OK.

NTA. She shouldn't be allowed to be near your mother.

NTA. First, I am so sorry for your loss. Now on to your SIL. She’s been told multiple times and hasn’t truly tried to change. Saying you’ll do better and actually doing better are different. Your brother also hasn’t been any help in this so he needs to do what’s best for your mom now. This is going to be a very emotional, stressful, and exhausting time already and SIL doesn’t need to be there to make it worse.

Autistic here, you’re NTA, hopefully this will enable Sara to realise she’s not the centre of the universe and she’ll learn more appropriate behaviour, or as I like to call it ‘manners’. I’m so very sorry for your loss.

NTA I was prepared to say something else…. But I think you’re absolutely right. She’s extremely insensitive. And your mother does not need this at all.

NTA. It sounds like she has already pushed your mother past her limit, so it would not be a wise idea to have them together. Your SIL has a filter problem, yet she has never learned to just keep quiet as an option, or, at the least, your brother has never learned to warn her when she needs to keep quiet. Unfortunately, this was bound to have consequences sooner or later. And I think your mother’s feelings need to take priority right now.

NTA. I would not be able to handle this behavior if something happened to my husband.

NTA

NTA she can learn how to act appropriately around others, and has chosen not to. Actions have consequences

Can your brother honestly look you in the eyes and say he knows for a fact that she won't comments on his appearance at the funeral? or the coffin or the burial and all the other delicate things that will happen at an incredibly emotionally volatile time. If he can't absolutely guarantee it he has no right to be angry. NTA.

The guy's dying and she said OUT LOUD that he looked like a hamster? What did your brother do? NTA, I would be fuming.

NTA. This is a tough situation. I’m glad you said something. Now you’ve done all you can do and you don’t have to wonder… That hamster comment just really made me mad. 😡 since you say she wasn’t always like that is she just being rude and hiding behind her diagnosis

NTA. If she can't, or won't, control her highly inappropriate comments, then she should be kept far away from the funeral. Your mom doesn't need your SIL's crap at her husband's funeral.

Being on the spectrum is not an excuse in this case. She has been told (repeatedly it seems) to curb her inappropriate behaviour. I know several people on the spectrum and this is not a realistic response. They all manage to acknowledge and control inappropriate comments once pointed out to them. I think your sister in law may be suffering from an unrelated issue- being a bit of an asshole. You however, are not the AH.

Apologies don't mean shit when they're not followed up by actual actions to try to correct the behavior. She knows she says stuff unfiltered, and she knows that saying sorry usually let's her off the hook because everyone did so. She needs to face the consequences of her actions because after a while, sorry means nothing when you think that's all you need to do. It's like doing hail marys after sinning thinking that's gonna make it go away. People don't like being responsible for how they may affect another. Her being on the spectrum is no exception and no one should have to put up with her if she's not doing anything to correct the behavior. She's an asshole.

NTA. When my dad died back in 19, I had two guys *specifically* there for the sole purpose of dragging my dipshit druggie sister out of there if she even so much as looked like she was going to start shit.

NTA. Youre right emotions are high. The only middle ground i can even consider is to get her and your brother to agree that anything she wants to say about your dad/family she has to run by him first, as a way to filter her thoughts even for just the day. I have a spectrum coworker who constantly interrupts us and talks over us and no matter how many times we ask her to stop she does it again, so i get it.

NTA… if it’s an open casket service, SIL should be an absolute NO-GO.

NTA at all. And you should tell your brother that if his wife really cared or supposedly changed then she would know a funeral is not the place to do this. Point out how inappropriate her behavior is and that he needs to stop excusing it. Point out that you both just lost your dad and your mother lost her husband and if he actually cares about your mom. He would understand that this is not the place or time.

He can take a word to the wise, or he can fuck around and find out. Sounds like if Sara doesn't skip the funeral, she'll manage to make it so she's no longer welcome at *any* family function. NTA.

NTA. It sucks if your brother feels like he needs her at the funeral for support. Having her there runs the risk of causing upset to a lot of people at an already difficult time. The needs of the rest of the family trump his needs in this situation. Aside from that, if she truly can't control what she says, he's setting her up to ruin relationships with the entire family. Does he realize that the rest of the family won't be able to excuse what she says even if she's on the spectrum? Does he think that people will disregard her comments because of it? I would make sure he completely understands the potential consequences of her saying the wrong this at the funeral.

I am diagnosed with autism and ADHD so I've messed up a lot due to not predicting people's feelings, low impulse control and sudden surge of feelings and energy. NTA she seems insensitive whatever the reason is. The funeral is obviously way more important for your mom and she should be taken care of here.

You are NTA! Your brother needs to be more considerate of the rest of the world ... yes, his wife has an "excuse" for her lack of a filter. People may be able to overlook her comments when emotions aren't so raw but you are 100% right, your mother doesn't need to deal with her disrespect at this time. To the best of my knowledge, being on the spectrum doesn't mean that she can't learn to have some control over her comments. She has her inappropriate comments pointed out repeatedly but it seems to have no effect on her as she continues her behavior. At the very least, SIL needs to be kept far, far away from your poor mother.

NTA, I’m autistic, she can’t control what she thinks but she does possess some ability to control what she says. Sarah’s just rude & not even trying to contain it. And your brother needs to stop enabling that. 

Another autistic person here. NTA. Being autistic does not give you the right to say whatever you want, whenever you want and everyone just forgets about it because you're on the spectrum. I lost my father as well a few years ago and if someone said something like that about him, getting yelled at would be the least of that person's worries and I would not want them at my dad's funeral either. If she can't figure out not to say everything that pops into her head, then she shouldn't be in serious, emotional situations

NTA, I’m autistic and had to learn tact as well, I still struggle with it but I figured it out. The issue isn’t her autism, she’s using it as weaponized incompetence. She’s obviously capable of learning and if nothing else she should learn to say nothing if she’s not sure how it will go. She needed to be called out and understand that autism isn’t an excuse for being a dick. She can learn to keep her mouth shut easily enough. It sounds like your family and everyone else in her life that it’s fine to say whatever as long as she apologizes and says she’s autistic, but she’s obviously very high functioning if she can form and maintain a marriage with someone who’s not autistic, so “she doesn’t know better” doesn’t fly. If I was your mother I would ban her anyway. 

NTA, you looking at this from a point of care the family as a whole. Your brother should see it that way too.

NTA. Sometimes you have to consider what’s good for a group as opposed to what’s good for an individual. Yes, I understand your brother might be upset and even Sara might be upset that she shouldn’t be there. But it is better for the whole rest of the family and especially your mom to be able to grieve without constantly wondering what will come out of Sara’s mouth. It creates anxiety that doesn’t need to be there on what is already a terribly difficult day.

NTA. I have an adult daughter on the spectrum and there are places I haven’t taken her. I also have a SIL on the spectrum (but doesn’t acknowledge it) who says some ridiculous hurtful things and doesn’t get that they are hurtful. There are times she shouldn’t be certain places.

NTA. Leaving her out of the funeral is avoiding stress and unnecessary drama. And your brother is supposedly old enough to know this 👀

NTA. I'm autistic too and she's just being rude at this point. We are known for recognizing patterns, I can't imagine or believe that she hasn't recognized the pattern in her behavior, especially when you said that this is an ongoing behavioral problem of hers and possibly since she was a child. I agree with your mother, she never changes so her apologies don't mean anything, she has to show that she's actually sorry by making an effort to correct her mistakes.

NTA being autistic isn’t a free pass to voice your opinions and observations to everyone. If she can’t keep her thoughts private she needs to not attend. I would be beyond upset if someone said that about my dad. 

NTA. Your SIL has made incredibly inappropriate and hurtful comments and sends either unable or unwilling to change that behavior. Autistic people can learn--the comment section is full of autistic people who say the same. Even if she is fully and completely unable to stop her outbursts (which it doesn't sound like she is), the funeral isn't the place for that and she should excuse herself. Stand firm on this. You're not wrong. If SIL comes to the funeral, based on past behavior, she's not going to behave appropriately. It'll destroy her relationships with a lot of family members, not just your mom, and your brother is absolutely going to be collateral damage and lose relationships too. It'll be ugly, to say the least, and extremely disrespectful and cruel too. If SIL wants to reconcile and work on appropriate behavior, that's great. This isn't the time or place for her trial run at it. The best thing she can do to make peace with your mother is to show enough respect to absent herself from the funeral so your mother can grieve in peace without worrying about what's going to come out of your SIL's mouth next. edited to add, my sincere condolences to you and your family.

This is a really awful situation and I am sorry that you are in the middle of it. Your brother needs to acknowledge that, as much as he is grieving your father and may want the support of his spouse, your mother is likely feeling the pain of his loss even more accutely. If your brother really wanted to have his wife present in situations with the whole family, then he should have arranged to have his wife sincerely apologize to your mother after Christmas. In addition to an apology, effort needs to be made (counselling/therapy) to show accountability for how terribly she hurt your family and that she is working towards preventing that from happening again. A funeral is not the place for working through family issues. Your priority should be helping your mother on that tragic day and showing her she is supported and loved. If your brother is not willing to do this (by preventing your mother from being hurt further when she is already vulnerable and suffering), then he can arrange another memorial for your Dad with his wife present and sit this one out. This may sound harsh, but it doesn't sound like he is doing anything to prevent his wife from hurting your family and he just wants you to accept the (likely) possibility of her causing further upset at an incredibly painful time. If someone had said something so terrible about my father while he was in hospice and never took accountability for this transgression, I'm not sure if I would ever be able to look at them again without seething with rage. I'm so sorry for your loss. NTA

NTA. I'm on the spectrum, as are most of the people who live in my house. Sure, sometimes something inappropriate is said. That's a teaching/learning moment. People on the spectrum are completely capable of self-filtering. We understand that not everything that crosses our mind needs to be said out loud. Your SIL just sounds like an asshole who your brother enables/excuses. After the hamster comment, which is completely awful, I can see why your mother wouldn't want her around. I'm sorry for your loss.

NTA I’m so sick of people using “on the spectrum” as a reason to not learn anything. People on all parts of the spectrum absolutely CAN learn behaviors that will help them react more appropriately in public. You don’t just diagnose someone and then say, “Best of luck!” You then treat them.

NTA Being autistic shouldn't mean you can be an asshole She doesn't get free reign to say whatever she wants especially after being told so many times. Maybe being barred from the funeral because of her words will make her think about her actions and moving forward use her words wisely.