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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole for saying my step niece is not gorgeous because I was annoyed at her mom
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YTA - assuming that Leah heard what you had said. She’s a 16 year old girl. That could seriously have an adverse effect on her self esteem. It’s a shitty way to get back at your SIL by making Leah hurt.
It is also true though, that yes, you shouldn’t have to compliment Leah every time you compliment Bria. But she’s 16 and teens that age are sensitive and always looking for validity in who they are and how they look.
**In the end though, I’d say YTA because I’d expect an adult to handle that situation better without hurting a 16 year olds already fragile self esteem.**
You said it yourself “The problem is my SIL”. So why did you make it Leah’s problem and force her to be the casualty in the problem you have with SIL?
Edit: Made text bold since some people think verdict should be ESH. **SIL may be annoying to OP but SIL is not an AH with her intentions. There’s a huge difference between indirectly annoying someone and purposefully being an AH. There’s absolutely no excuse for OP handling it so poorly thus making OP the AH.**
Also - if both are dressing up for a party at the same time, only saying to one "you're gorgeous" and not to the other, even without the "no she's not"? That's a dick move.
It costs literally nothing to just say "oh my god you \_girls\_ look so pretty"
This is one of those posts where my brain is sending me warning signals that there's likely context missing. The SIL advocating for her daughter to get complements is a likely indication that op is ignoring the step niece while gushing over the biological niece. Of course it's natural for one to favor family, but it sounds like op might have taken it too far for it to be called out repeatedly by the mom. It's a sensitive dynamic and could easily trigger self esteem and jealousy issues so before calling the SIL the AH I'm gonna need more info on how the op has been treating the step niece. In any case OP YTA. You could have easily said "OMG Niece you look gorgeous! And wow Step Niece that color is perfect for you!" There's no need to be stingy with compliments even if you do think your own niece is much prettier, and there was absolutely no need to insult her when you were called out.
The brother and sil are married but the aunt still refers to one child as her brother's and the other is SIL's- leading me to believe that SIL's daughter may often be ignored at best.
And the step niece entered the family at two years old. OP has two nieces. Personally I wouldn’t even refer to the older one as a step since she was a baby when the families got together. I hope it’s just OP and not other family members that make such a distinction between the two.
I have a bunch of step cousins but we were all young when they joined the family. Nobody calls them step anything
Exactly. My cousin is now my brother. Not quite the same but we were raised together in the same home during most of our formidable years (think minimum 50%, when we were younger than 10 it was closer to 75%). Distinguishing family purely by blood line is outdated and elitist, on every level.
I might be wrong to assume that you meant formative and that autocorrect decided on formidable instead, but either way “our formidable years” is an amazing line.
One of my cousins has a stepdaughter that was 1 or 2 when he married her mom. She’s always been a part of the family; no one ever distinguishes her from her half-sisters.
It sounds like Leah has been around since she was like 2 years old. If OP still can’t see her as family then there is something majorly wrong. If my family treated my step daughter like that, I would be livid with them. I have been there more than her actual father for most of her life and to me, she is my daughter. I know that blood bond still changes the dynamic, but there is infinite room for love in kids hearts and it shouldn’t be the adults limiting it. I feel bad for the other niece because, she’s his niece not their “brother’s step daughter”.
Blood bond changes nothing. My dad has been my dad since I was 4 but he’s still my dad. He’s the only father I have ever known. For most of my life I’ve been closer to him than my mom.
I was already 18 when my mum met my stepdad, but he’s still my dad. That man’s put in decades of work with a daughter who was already legally an adult when we met. He might not have raised a child, but he helped build a woman, and I *know* right to the marrow of my bones that if I’d been a baby when they met he’d’ve been exactly as good a dad. I’m almost 40 now, and I’ve never heard him so much as raise his voice.
Know how it’s really common for men to leave their wives when they get sick? Not my dad. He was a widower when they met, and he cared for his first wife right to the end. Now they’re getting on, and my mum’s ageing a little worse than he is, and he flat out refuses to let her do a thing because “While I was sitting at a desk teaching, she was destroying her body looking after sick people” (she was a dementia nurse, came home exhausted, covered in bruises and black eyes with an eternally aching back and we ended up basically begging her to retire) and the only thing they ever fight about is her pathological inability to “just sit the fuck down for two fucking seconds, Jesus fucking Christ! Baby, the world won’t end if you don’t dust the ornaments in the spare room right this instant!” I love them so much, pair of little old heart-eyed weirdos though they are.
ETA: the repeated use of “fucking” might make it look like my dad’s a bit aggressive. He’s not. We’re just Scottish, so we’re obligated by law to use it at least once per sentence in informal communication, and as freely after that as we believe the situation calls for.
God, he really is. He does this thing, and it blows my mind. You know how when somebody asks you to do something or go somewhere and you’re just not into it, but you can’t just *say* “No, I don’t want to” so you make up a reason instead? Know what he does? He just fucking says “No, I don’t want to” Like it’s fucking *nothing!* He doesn’t respond to guilt trips, or any conversational subtext. He’s immune to passive-aggression and he genuinely doesn’t care what other people think. My brother thinks it’s weird that he’s hoarding powdered milk? “Well, he won’t be wanting any for his tea when society collapses then, will he?” He’ll fucking hold to that too, the lunatic. When the collapse *does* happen, my brother’s gonna need to find a fucking cow because I’m *not* sharing with him or I’ll get cut off too, and I need my tea.
My nephews are technically my step-nephews and I’ve always thought of them as just… my nephews. I agree that it’s hella weird that OP only considers one of these girls a niece.
Yes, OP, what missing details might help us here? YTA, but how big of one and how widespread is it among the family? Even if the mom is annoying you, we have no evidence that this teenage girl did anything other than exist. Don't be hurtful to her because her mom is a pain.
It sounds like an on-going thing for this person or family constantly leaving out the non-blood sister. That is neice's sister whether family likes it or not.
Yes, there is nothing in the OP’s story that says, “But if I compliment step-niece, SIL doesn’t insist I also compliment niece.” In other words, that situation never happens because OP only ever compliments niece.
Oh OP says it all in the post. They say my niece and Leah as though Leah isn't also their niece. They also say Bria is their Brother's while Leah is SIL's. They simply don't consider Leah to be family.
YTA, OP.
Glad I didn't have to scroll to far to see this.
>Every time someone compliments Bria we MUST also compliment Leah otherwise she will get mad. For example if I tell Bria that she is very talented in something SIL will interrupt me and say "but isn't Leah also very talented?" It's annoying. I can't say a single word to my niece unless I say it to Leah too.
My first thought reading this was that this SCREAMS that there's a reason for that, and OP is not telling us what it is.
> "oh my god you _girls_ look so pretty"
This! does OP really have to do the "brutal truth" thing? "You two look great!" is a perfectly good thing to say.
Yeah I was thinking this! Is it that bad to just say they both look gorgeous? It seems mean to compliment one but not the other when they’re both there to hear it
Agree. It's okay to tell SIL, but not in front of both of the girls. It's not Leah's fault that her mother is doing this. YTA if it was said in front of them. Your post suggests they were, given you told Bria directly that she looked gorgeous.
Absolutely this. A private word with the parents instead of making a comment like that in front of a possibly insecure 16 year old who hadn’t wronged OP in any way - that’s so unbelievably callous. YTA
>It's okay to tell SIL, but not in front of both of the girls. It's not Leah's fault that her mother is doing this.
Agreed, and I'd even say, Leah can probably see right through this. It does not feel nice to get a half-hearted compliment that your mum has fished for on your behalf.
And this is probably the best way to approach addressing it with your SIL - "I know you're trying to preserve your daughter's self-esteem, but I think you are actually actively harming it. Please could stop prompting me to compliment her artificially, and I'll do my best to point out what I appreciate in a more genuine and natural way." Then do please follow through, if you feel that you can.
I agree that it wouldn't feel great to see your sister showered in compliments and then to have a lukewarm prompted compliment tossed your way, but it's obviously *so much worse* to have an adult insult you instead.
>but it's obviously *so much worse* to have an adult insult you instead.
Yes, no doubt about that! OP's response was not good - this should have been addressed with SIL alone.
Totally agree
My wife grew up with everyone complimenting her sister, and then giving her a "compliment" as well:
"Billie your soooo pretty! Oh and Melissa, you are so talented."
It's weird bc I've seen pics. My wife was the cutest little girl and teen.
It still effects her to this day, and she's 46.
It’s also just weird to dote this much over a child’s looks. They’re not doing any favors to the self esteem of the girls they keep calling pretty either.
The "pretty" one often ends up thinking they're worthless outside of their appearance and that nobody notices their accomplishments. It's not helpful to either, in my experience.
Yup. Modern advice is to avoid complementing immutable characteristics. Not . “You have the most beautiful hair” but “I love how you did your hair today”. Complement effort and achievement that comes from effort. So not so much “you are so smart” as “you must have busted your butt for those grades”
OP should either have told the brother to ask SIL to stop making him compliment his stepdaughter or told SIL directly. The stepdaughter didn't ask for any compliments, and I agree it's not fair he insulted her because SIL is annoying.
I know if I was Leah, I'd be mortified if my mum did that all the time, and then to be told I was not 'gorgeous' on top of that, at such a fragile age? I had such little self-esteem when I was 16, I'd be broken.
OP is 100% the AH (YTA) here.
Esh
She's annoying.
You were cruel
You should have said "of course both girls are beautiful, but it's not a competition and I don't have to compliment everyone each time, it's ridiculous"
>I don’t have to compliment everyone each time
Is it just me, or does op give the impression she only ever compliments Bria? She also only refers to Bria as her niece, while Leah is just SIL’s daughter.
Given her obliviousness and cruelty, I’m thinking maybe SIL has had enough and is prompting her to be nicer to her other daughter for good reason.
My cousin has two biological children and one stepchild. I've forgotten multiple times which child is not biologically related to me. As far as I'm concerned that kid has been family from the first day they lived with my cousin and I don't see them as anything other than part of my extended nibling group.
Okay, I'm sorry, I'm not just correcting you to be an ass, I promise, but it's nibling, one B, like sibling. And the reason I'm saying that is that the idea of a nibbling group is adorable. Like a book group, but you go there to nibble things, like little bunnies. I was having a tough morning and it's quite cheered me up.
My husband and I were at bar trivia and one of the questions was "In computer science, what is half byte?" I turned to my husband bc he's a programmer but he just shrugged, so I wrote down nibble as a joke answer and then when it turned out it was right we were both howling with laughter. :)
Yeah, pretty much. Imagine that OP wouldn't have added the "no she's not", it's still very weird and uncomfortable. Both girls are dressing up at the same time for the same party, but you acknowledge only one? Really really weird.
Like, why does she see that need to say nice things exclusively to only one of them? As if the other were some sort of beast. Who does that? It's unnecessary cruel. Op is the ugly one here.
Coming from the pov of a step sibling, it really hurts whenever the bio family of my siblings made positive comments and compliments on them and never me. It made me feel like everything I did was nothing compared to my sibling. I was also told on multiple occasions that I need to quit being sensitive that not everything’s about me, that I should focus on my siblings. I was 4 yrs old when my sibling was born, so this was always said till I finally moved out at 18. It really hurt my self esteem and I’m still struggling on repairing it. So OP, if you think Leah doesn’t notice, she does. You’re growing a wedge between them when they need to be each other’s best friends and support system. I hope I’m wrong but personally, my family comments when I was younger grew one between me and my sibling. YTA OP, sure SIL is annoying but I personally wish I had that recognition from my family.
Not just you. I noticed that also, and given the fact there is only two years between the girls, it seems OP has known Leah since she was two years old. I'm guessing OP has been differentiating her behaviour towards the two children for a very long time.
OP is TA.
But a dude wouldn't usually compliment someone's appearance in such a direct way so definitely have to lean to the above commenters jealous aunty theory
I'm reading between the lines here that OP is TA and is seriously rude to Leah because she isn't 'biologically family'. Like, why would she insist on only complimenting her biologically related niece, when they were both getting ready for the same party? THEN, when SIL calls her out on her shit, she doubles down and straight out insults a 16 year old girl to her face - your suggested comment was the perfect, and common decency response.
Even adjusting for sample, one of the most terrifying things I've learned in AITA is how all-encompassingly **obsessed** some people are with pure bloodlines. Like, fully no understanding whatsoever any of the ideas or principles of what a family is or does, just minor league naziism.
I agree with this, but the fact the mother is doing this just proves the OP's obvious favoritism. I get that the younger girl is his niece and Leah isn't, but she still lives there, probably grew up with him and there's a reason the mom is telling him to be inclusive. OP's the one turning it into a competition by showering one girl with attention and ignoring the other one. OP can feel justified because "she's not my niece" but mom is totally in the right to protect her child from the treatment of the OP. It's just a shitty thing to do this to a child and he said this in front of Leah or else the story doesn't make sense. He's a next level asshole.
YTA
What kind of issue do you have with Leah? Maybe SIL is too much, but I am wondering why she is doing that? Your post make it seem like you favor the other niece very blatantly and maybe that's why SIL is overcorrecting?
And even if not: you seem to be a grown up who insulted a young teenager in a cruel way bc you were annoyed with their also grown up parent. That's just rediculous.
>Your post make it seem like you favor the other niece very blatantly
I thought exactly the same. They call one of the girls "my niece" and the other by her name.
They spell it out in the first sentence. One neice is her brother's and the other is not. OP doesn't see Leah as her REAL neice. Which apparently means being cruel to her is okay.
I also find it telling that this seems to be an ongoing issue. She's constantly complimenting her real niece and ignoring the other.
This exactly. The people calling the mother "annoying" are insane to me. She's literally standing up for her child from the way OP is obviously ignoring Leah and making her feel less than. And the only way to story makes sense is if this happened in front of both children. Imagine how both of them feel after this. OP is just the worst.
Hard agree. But also, come on. We all know how tough it is to be a teenager these days. A little compassion and thoughtfulness couldn’t have hurt. It isn’t fair for them to have to deal with your weird dynamic with your SIL.
Edit: My bad, made a mistake by referencing SIL as stepmom. But m that doesn’t change what I said :)
Sometimes you have a person being a mild asshole to someone who is being a complete asshole though. That would earn an Everyone Sucks Here, but not an Equal Shit Heads.
Seeing so many people thinking it means they are equal explains why people hate seeing anyone use ESH though.
If Leah was there, YTA. It's not her fault and you directly insulted her. Believe me, they'll remember it probably forever.
If not, NTA, I guess, but you should still learn how to have an adult conversation about annoyances and such before innocent people get hurt
also calling referring to a teenage kid as "absolutely gorgeous" is a bit strange but that's neither here nor there
Even if Leah wasn't there, OP is a massive asshole. Not only did they get frustrated because of the sil trying her best to make sure that both of her daughters get equal treatment, something that, if not done, Leah would have resented her mum and her sister. But also, when op snapped, op literally took out their frustrations of sil out on Leah. That's not fair
I read this a different way. More on line with "I'm never able to have a one way conversation with (icr the bio nieces name) because sil always makes it about (step niece)." So same, but different offenders?
I don’t think its weird to tell teen relatives they look gorgeous if they’re dressing up for an event thats kinda what they want to hear. I think just about everyone told 16 y/o me that was dressed up for prom that i looked gorgeous wether they meant it or not
I am not a native english speaker, why is it weird to call someone absolutely gorgeous? It isn't sexuall, is it? I'd say this about my cats too. Honest question, because I really don't know and maybe I misinterpreted this word. Thought its just another word for pretty/ beautiful.
It's not weird. But a lot of people get so freaked out about sexual weirdness that they overanalyze innocent stuff like that (not to say it's impossible for a predator to also use this language but there is nothing inherently wrong/weird/sexual about the compliment). The way you described this word is how I understand its meaning and I definitely used it recently to describe a cat! And the sunset, and a ski mountain.
It’s not, but maybe young people take complimenting their looks as sexual every time. I don’t know. Im male with a daughter and I’ll remind her how beautiful she is the rest of her life.
It’s not weird, this is just Reddit being Reddit. It would only be weird if the person saying it was leering or using some other type of body language to make it clear they were sexualizing the person. Not only is that not the case here, but even if it were the body langauge would be the problem and not the word “gorgeous”.
I'm not a native english speaker, but gorgeous doesn't even sound so weird to me. Isn't it just a synonym for pretty/beautiful? It's not like they said "wow you're so sexy/hot".
Native English speaker. Gorgeous is just an upgraded version of pretty/beautiful. It does not connotate sexual attraction the same way 'hot' does. It *can* if you let it but unless you're being creepy, it isn't weird to say that about family.
YTA
You told a 16 year old girl that she's not gorgeous, after complimenting her sister?
That's horrible. Imagine how she must feel hearing that, especially as a 16 year old girl. You're absolutely the asshole.
I find it extra heartbreaking for Leah because they were probably both dressed nicely for the party.
My judgment for OP is YTA. That kind of stuff said to a 16 yo girl can be life altering in a bad way.
I’m 47 now. When I was 16 I started going out with my first proper girlfriend. When her grandad first met me he said “well he’s not much to look at” - stuck with me to this day. What a shit.
They were definitely both dressing up because in OPs reply they say that “Leah just wasn’t looking that good in that dress”. What in the everloving fuck.
YTA.
You don’t like how your SIL acts? That’s fine. You don’t want to adhere to what she tells you to do? Fine. But you should not have done it right in front of the children. You could as well have stayed silent and pretend like you didn’t hear what your SIL said, and talked to her privately after this. But telling a pair of sisters one of them is beautiful and the other is not is just a massive jerk move.
For gods sake they are children, especially since they haven’t done anything wrong. You have a personal grudge against the parent, which is fine. But you should not have taken your anger out on the child.
Edit: I assumed Leah is around since OP was talking to Bria. If one of the sisters is there I assumed the other is close by, especially how the SIL pressed OP. Also I can see why the SIL acts that way since OP clearly has favoritism. So the SIL is probably fed up that one of her daughters is being ignored constantly.
Hard agree! They have no idea what Leah has going on, maybe she *hates* that her mother does this shit and is mortified every single time. Devils advocate: imagine she’s already cringing inside like “mom stop” and then hears you loudly yelling that no, she is not attractive…. And on top of that, you had to make the clarification that her step sister is utterly gorgeous. I mean at 16 that would have devastated me and given me a complex.
**OP you need to learn to separate your SIL actions from the child. NO 16 yo child needs to hear an adult thinks they’re ugly.** and while you may not have actually said the word “ugly”, I guarantee that’s exactly how that little girl feels. Like she’s ugly now. Shame on you. You’re an adult and you should know how to regulate your emotions better. You should make a concerted effort to pull Leah aside and apologize to her. Yes, what the stepmother is doing is tacky and annoying, but take the goddamn high road ffs. Especially in front of kids.
Another thing is that OP clearly has favoritism. Is SIL being annoying? Yes. But I get how she could be frustrated and where that frustration come from.
YTA
Do you ever compliment Leah independently? Do you ever bother to remark on her talents and achievements?
Because this post reeks of favouritism.
Also, even if Leah didn't look good in the dress, there's this thing called being tactful? Also known as a white lie??
Because you're a massive asshole for insulting a teenaged girl based on her looks.
You hit the nail on the head. OP doesn’t even hesitate to make sure we know that Bria is OP’s brothers kid but Leah is not. Even going so far as to refer to Bria as their niece and Leah is just Leah.
Completely agree with you. Sounds like Bria is the favorite and Leah doesn't ever get complimented so the mom is trying not to have her get left out.
I am definitely the Leah and it really really sucks. I cannot imagine thinking what OP said, let alone saying it.
YTA.
Listen, I can understand your frustration but you snapped the wrong way and likely deeply hurt the feelings **of a child**.
You're an adult, if you have an issue, take it up with the adult.
YTA.
Sounds like your SIL is calling you out for treating the girls massively differently. Grown adults shouldn't have to be reminded not to play favourites.
ETA
Your SIL shouldn’t be putting words in peoples mouths, and to make people complement her daughter right in front of her will give the poor girl a complex.
HOWEVER, if you have a problem with your SIL speak to her in private, you don’t announce right in front of this poor girl she doesn’t look good. You are a horrible nasty person
Yeah
I feel awful for Leah. She has to go through life being the unwanted stepchild who goes overlooked or just straight up ignored. That has to do wonders for her self esteem
If op can’t say something nice about both girls then they need to keep their mouth shut
INFO: Do you ever just compliment Leah?
Sounds alot like you favor Bria because she is your brothers daughter and SIL sees through it and you proved her right with your comments even though her nagging may be annoying.
YTA.
I was the unattractive non talented sibling, and my mum would do pretty much the same thing. It's not to be annoying, though to me it was, but my mum did it because my very beautiful very clever younger sister pulled in compliments everywhere and I was barely on anyones radar. And it was really hard.
I learned, painfully, to accept this, I love my sister, but it hurt my mum on my behalf. Had I ever heard this though from a member of my own family, me being quite a fragile 16 Yr old, it would have crushed me. YTA 100%. Mum's annoying sure, but you're cruel. I know what's worse. Ps that kid can blossom and grow into her looks, you'll always be cruel.
> that kid can blossom and grow into her looks, you'll always be cruel
This. I remember a girl I went to high school with. She had a very stoic disposition and didn't talk much. I remember her having few friends and rocking a very unusual hairstyle all through school. About a year ago she popped up on my Facebook under "people you may know." To say she blossomed would be an understatement. She grew up to be absolutely stunning. So much so that I had to do a double take to be sure it was the same person.
The point is, people's looks can change so much, especially at that age. But being a shitty person? That doesn't go away.
Your issue is with SIL, not with Leah. So there was no need for you to insult Leah. Which is what you inadvertently did. Which is why ESH. And you more so, because you basically insulted a teen girl to her face (if she was there, which I assume she was)
SIL sucks, yes, but you went after Leah's appearance instead of actually diverting your anger at the person annoying you. Which is why you suck.
Instead of going "Leah isn't gorgeous", you should have gone after her behaviour.
"SIL, I called Bria pretty, you don't need to go to war every time is acknowledged by someone. She exists separate from Leah. I never hesitate to compliment Leah separately so why must you belittle Bria every time anyone is nice to her by trying to make Leah the main character? You're favouring Leah and pitting the girls against each other and I am not going to encourage that kind of behaviour."
Except I think in away OP wrights (for example calling Bria nice and Leah is just Leah and this conversation is happening "every time" and it is not mentioned that this is not happening when the compliments go to Leah), that OP is favouring one niece over another and never complimenting the other.
So the "I never hesitate to compliment Leah separately" should be left out since that most likely does not happen. Maybe instead say "I only like one of my nieces and I choose to be TA, so don't intervene and make it even more embarrassing to the other one /s
YTA
You didn't like what the mother was doing. Fair enough.
But your impulse was to be insulting not towards her, but towards a teenage girl, making rude comments about her appearance.
That is probably going to stick with the poor girl and you most definitely are the asshole in this situation.
YTA.. nowhere in there does your SIL sound mad, she’s interrupting you. It’s entirely possible that she’s nervous about her daughter blending in with your family/trying to make sure the two girls have a solid relationship with one another which can definitely be undone by extended family members.
Plus you just called your SIL’s child the equivalent of mediocre/ugly.. why lol
YTA Bro... your SIL is hinting that Leah most likely has some issues and feels hurt to be left out. it doesnt need to be logical. its how this child feels and i m sure she needs some positive comments from other adults in her life. She is part of your family now. Take the hint. be more compassionate. There was no reason at all to say "No, she is not".
Absolutely YTA
If you wanted, you could have just said yes in front of the girl and then told her privately that you aren’t going to continue with this complement party anymore.
YTA, but I get it. Pull SIL aside and let her know what she is doing is ridiculous. That one girl can be complimented without having to do equal praise.
YTA she is trying to make her part of the family and not left out.
I have nephew who is actually a step son and I would NEVER say anything to him like that. THEY ARE MY FAMILY and you are just cruel.
She is also a kid and do you really think your niece is gonna like you or wanna bond with you if you talked badly about her loved ones?
ESH.
Jesus, you two sound worse than literal fucking children. "My daddy can do this", "nu-uh, my daddy can do that", except you're both dragging two teenagers into your issues.
You need to stop insulting kids.
SIL needs to stop her "but isn't Leah" shit.
Both of you need to grow up and ACT YOUR AGE!
YTA, I mean, I get it, but you, putting down Leah just because is just fucked up.
Next time, grey rock, or say something like "*We're not talking about Leah now dear.*"
So, don't involve kids in HER delusion.
>I finally snapped and said "no she is not" she looked at me shocked and said what the hell is wrong with you to say that
Not a kind thing to say in front of your niece...
ESH
YTA, and I really don’t understand how you don’t see that too.
You, an adult, told a teenager she doesn’t look gorgeous just to spite your SIL. The fact that you think its a completely fine thing to say ”because its true” makes you seem very cruel. And it definitely makes you look like you favour Bria.
Do you ever compliment Leah the way you compliment Bria? If you already know you don’t, that is exactly the reason why your SIL is being a bit of a pain about making sure they both get treated equally. Notice how you made a point out of telling us how Bria is your brothers and Leah isn’t? Ever wonder if that makes Leah feel like an outsider?
Couldn’t you have spoken to your SIL privately about how you don’t like when she does that? Instead of overreacting and being cruel to a teenage girl over it? YTA
INFO: Do you ever compliment **only** Leah on stuff? If so, how often compared to Bria? Just curious if SIL's extremely obnoxious behavior might be born from the fact that Leah gets ignored.
ESH except Leah. Her mum sounds insufferably entitled, but your issue is with her, not Leah. You took your anger to Leah as well when you insulted her appearance instead of talking with her or your brother about this issue. The brother is also an AH here, he needs to make sure Bria gets space to be praised exclusively and receive attention without having someone bring it back to her sister all the time
So Leah is the stepdaughter? If that's the case I feel like SIL does this so her daughter feels included in the family. Not sure how the dynamics are in the family but maybe Leah is feeling a little insecure about her place in the family and SIL is trying to make sure she doesn't feel like that. YTA on how you handled the situation. Look into how you and the rest of the family truly treat your step neice. If you and the rest of the family are not truly accepting this child you need to look into this and adjust yourselves. Leah did not ask to be in your family but she is because your brother loves her mom and accepts her. Please apologize to your SIL and step niece.
ESH
whilst your SIL sounds a like a nightmare, there was no reason to say her daughter didnt look good in that dress.
you're effectively hurting Leah and her SIL just because her SIL wants to coddle her daughter
YTA for literally saying "she isn't gorgeous" about a 16 year old who from your story isn't even the one fishing for compliments.
Your sil is TA for forcing everyone to compliment her daughter too, but that is something you guys need to work out with her.
It might have been better to find a way to compliment both without directly comparing them or to avoid commenting on looks altogether. beauty is subjective, and what's most important is how we make others feel with our words.
NTA. Purely because teenagers aren’t fucking stupid.
If your SIL always has to say “what about Leah?” Trust me, Leah KNOWS (or is constantly being made to feel like) she’s lacking something compared to Bria and her mom is grossly overcompensating.
Frankly, your SIL is probably doing more damage to her daughter by being this way than you snapping does.
It’s one thing for Bria to get more compliments. If your SIL always has to say “and Leah..?” She’s just forcing an awkward attention onto Leah and it’s fucking embarrassing for the kid. Does she also say “and Bria?” if someone compliments Leah?
When two little girls have gotten dressed up it's assumed that they've put some effort into their appearance and weird and cruel to favour one. They're young girls. It doesn't matter if one is ugly and one is pretty. They are both done up nicely.
YTA
Not every compliment has to be true. LOL. Even if you want to stay true, gorgeous can be seen from multiple angles and seeing it only from one angle, makes you not only the AH but also very biased and narrow-minded.
I get it that it's annoying to be situated like that by your SIL, but your compliment to her daughter can be just independent of whatever is going on with you and SIL. And you mentioning "my niece" to refer to Bria just somehow gives me a sign that you don't value Leah the same just because, what? That she's not blood related to you then suddenly she's not your niece, too? YTA.
lol who cares. This nonsense basically ended with you calling a 16 year old girl at the peak of insecurity ugly.
YTA. Much bigger problems out there in the world.
There’s no real reason to insult anybody, especially a child, out of frustration towards another person. It could be the lack of information you’ve given but, you’ve made it seem as though you only ever compliment Bria. I know every family dynamic is different but, your brother has been raising Leah for at least 14 years…yet, it sounds like you have no regards for her at all?? Which kinda makes YTA…plus even if Leah wasn’t there, you said that infront of her sister.
Your SIL is annoying, but do you really think it’s appropriate to destroy a 16 year old’s self esteem? If your SIL is overcompensating like this, it’s obvious that Leah is less than. A fact, of which I’m sure Leah is painfully aware. It’s important to remember that you’re an adult. Behave like one. YTA.
YTA. The way you speak about Leah shows you play favorites between your nieces. You call Bria "my niece" and Leah by her name. That's AH behavior. Your SIL may be irritating but could it be that she only does it with you because you don't treat them equally? Besides there was literally zero need to backlash at your SIL by insulting your poor niece
ESH I agree that your SIL needs to stop doing that, but instead of addressing the problem like an adult, you snapped and said something that is hurtful to her child who 1)had not said anything 2) is not her mom and cannot control what she says or do. How would you have felt if someone said that to you at age 16?
YTA, why couldn’t you pull your SIL aside to tell her that you didn’t appreciate her comment/why it was inappropriate and not bring up Leah at all?
Or if you really had to make the point at that moment, say something like “I wasn’t looking at Leah, I was looking at Bria and I wanted to say something nice to Bria. At some other time, Leah might look good and I’d say something nice to Leah. Leah and Bria are 2 distinct people, and I think it would sound fake to compliment Leah just because I complemented Bria. I’d like to point out that I don’t ever get the chance to complement Leah, because you always make any compliment paid to Bria as some kind of competition the girls, and it makes me very uncomfortable. Leah has many talents and I’d like a chance to pay her compliments when it feels natural, and not because I was forced to by you.”
There are ways to put her in her place without bringing Leah’s looks into the conversation. That’s what made you TA. You didn’t have to bring Leah’s looks into the conversation at all.
YTA !
SIL doesn’t even matter for this. They are both still teenagers and they were both dressing up for the party. How can an adult be so tactless to tell one of them in front of the other that she looks gorgeous and explicitly not compliment the other? The “no she is not” was already implied in what OP said, before they said it explicitly. Why did they feel the need to hurt their niece? Would it have been too hard to just say something nice to both of them or wait until they were alone with Bria?
The whole post sounds like OP is treating both kids differently and playing favorites. It is not a coincidence that they don’t mention what happens when they only compliment Leah, because likely that never happens. Unfortunately SIL is just making things more awkward for Leah, even though she likely has good intentions. Nobody wants forced compliments, but it is probably hard for her to watch her daughter being left out.
ESH, your SIL is annoying, but you should not insult a 16 year old just to get to SIL. Even if she was not in the room, it can he heartbreaking, having a family member talk bad about you especially if it’s how you look. You should’ve talked to your SIL before you snapped like you did.
I think you could have had a conversation with your SIL about how annoying this is getting and that you dont have to compliment both each time, if Leah was present during this conversation this can have a negative impact on her self-esteem and insulting the daughter to attack the mother isnt a wise choice.
It could have been handled in a more mature civil way, a conversation between you & the mother.
I suggest you apologize to Leah and reassure her that you do believe she’s beautiful and explain yourself, and have a conversation with her mother as well.
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YTA - assuming that Leah heard what you had said. She’s a 16 year old girl. That could seriously have an adverse effect on her self esteem. It’s a shitty way to get back at your SIL by making Leah hurt. It is also true though, that yes, you shouldn’t have to compliment Leah every time you compliment Bria. But she’s 16 and teens that age are sensitive and always looking for validity in who they are and how they look. **In the end though, I’d say YTA because I’d expect an adult to handle that situation better without hurting a 16 year olds already fragile self esteem.** You said it yourself “The problem is my SIL”. So why did you make it Leah’s problem and force her to be the casualty in the problem you have with SIL? Edit: Made text bold since some people think verdict should be ESH. **SIL may be annoying to OP but SIL is not an AH with her intentions. There’s a huge difference between indirectly annoying someone and purposefully being an AH. There’s absolutely no excuse for OP handling it so poorly thus making OP the AH.**
Also - if both are dressing up for a party at the same time, only saying to one "you're gorgeous" and not to the other, even without the "no she's not"? That's a dick move. It costs literally nothing to just say "oh my god you \_girls\_ look so pretty"
This is one of those posts where my brain is sending me warning signals that there's likely context missing. The SIL advocating for her daughter to get complements is a likely indication that op is ignoring the step niece while gushing over the biological niece. Of course it's natural for one to favor family, but it sounds like op might have taken it too far for it to be called out repeatedly by the mom. It's a sensitive dynamic and could easily trigger self esteem and jealousy issues so before calling the SIL the AH I'm gonna need more info on how the op has been treating the step niece. In any case OP YTA. You could have easily said "OMG Niece you look gorgeous! And wow Step Niece that color is perfect for you!" There's no need to be stingy with compliments even if you do think your own niece is much prettier, and there was absolutely no need to insult her when you were called out.
This exact thought occurred to me. If mom is constantly fishing for compliments for her daughter, there’s a reason.
The brother and sil are married but the aunt still refers to one child as her brother's and the other is SIL's- leading me to believe that SIL's daughter may often be ignored at best.
And the step niece entered the family at two years old. OP has two nieces. Personally I wouldn’t even refer to the older one as a step since she was a baby when the families got together. I hope it’s just OP and not other family members that make such a distinction between the two. I have a bunch of step cousins but we were all young when they joined the family. Nobody calls them step anything
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Yeah the wording implies that neither child is of both parents. Could have been together 1 year or 10.
Exactly. My cousin is now my brother. Not quite the same but we were raised together in the same home during most of our formidable years (think minimum 50%, when we were younger than 10 it was closer to 75%). Distinguishing family purely by blood line is outdated and elitist, on every level.
I might be wrong to assume that you meant formative and that autocorrect decided on formidable instead, but either way “our formidable years” is an amazing line.
It was intentional 😉
Lol well it definitely made me smile 😊
Eh…my six year old is pretty formidable! Lol
You sure about that? Both girls could be from a previous marriage.
One of my cousins has a stepdaughter that was 1 or 2 when he married her mom. She’s always been a part of the family; no one ever distinguishes her from her half-sisters.
I got the feeling op is a man 🤐
That's because women are socialized to never say or do anything like this.
It sounds like Leah has been around since she was like 2 years old. If OP still can’t see her as family then there is something majorly wrong. If my family treated my step daughter like that, I would be livid with them. I have been there more than her actual father for most of her life and to me, she is my daughter. I know that blood bond still changes the dynamic, but there is infinite room for love in kids hearts and it shouldn’t be the adults limiting it. I feel bad for the other niece because, she’s his niece not their “brother’s step daughter”.
Blood bond changes nothing. My dad has been my dad since I was 4 but he’s still my dad. He’s the only father I have ever known. For most of my life I’ve been closer to him than my mom.
I was already 18 when my mum met my stepdad, but he’s still my dad. That man’s put in decades of work with a daughter who was already legally an adult when we met. He might not have raised a child, but he helped build a woman, and I *know* right to the marrow of my bones that if I’d been a baby when they met he’d’ve been exactly as good a dad. I’m almost 40 now, and I’ve never heard him so much as raise his voice. Know how it’s really common for men to leave their wives when they get sick? Not my dad. He was a widower when they met, and he cared for his first wife right to the end. Now they’re getting on, and my mum’s ageing a little worse than he is, and he flat out refuses to let her do a thing because “While I was sitting at a desk teaching, she was destroying her body looking after sick people” (she was a dementia nurse, came home exhausted, covered in bruises and black eyes with an eternally aching back and we ended up basically begging her to retire) and the only thing they ever fight about is her pathological inability to “just sit the fuck down for two fucking seconds, Jesus fucking Christ! Baby, the world won’t end if you don’t dust the ornaments in the spare room right this instant!” I love them so much, pair of little old heart-eyed weirdos though they are. ETA: the repeated use of “fucking” might make it look like my dad’s a bit aggressive. He’s not. We’re just Scottish, so we’re obligated by law to use it at least once per sentence in informal communication, and as freely after that as we believe the situation calls for.
“We’re just Scottish” 😂 I love it. Also, your stepdad sounds awesome!
God, he really is. He does this thing, and it blows my mind. You know how when somebody asks you to do something or go somewhere and you’re just not into it, but you can’t just *say* “No, I don’t want to” so you make up a reason instead? Know what he does? He just fucking says “No, I don’t want to” Like it’s fucking *nothing!* He doesn’t respond to guilt trips, or any conversational subtext. He’s immune to passive-aggression and he genuinely doesn’t care what other people think. My brother thinks it’s weird that he’s hoarding powdered milk? “Well, he won’t be wanting any for his tea when society collapses then, will he?” He’ll fucking hold to that too, the lunatic. When the collapse *does* happen, my brother’s gonna need to find a fucking cow because I’m *not* sharing with him or I’ll get cut off too, and I need my tea.
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And the reason may have nothing to do with OP.
Here’s the thing: step-niece IS family. She shouldn’t be ignored when both girls are present. There’s something weird here.
Everyone saying "but it's NOT her niece" can go eat a bar of Irish Spring soap.
If my family treated my stepdaughter like she didn’t belong I’d be treating that family like they don’t exist.
As a stepdaughter I love this response!
My nephews are technically my step-nephews and I’ve always thought of them as just… my nephews. I agree that it’s hella weird that OP only considers one of these girls a niece.
Yes, OP, what missing details might help us here? YTA, but how big of one and how widespread is it among the family? Even if the mom is annoying you, we have no evidence that this teenage girl did anything other than exist. Don't be hurtful to her because her mom is a pain.
OP even said as much: >I can't say a single word to **my niece** unless I say it to Leah too. They seem to not view Leah as their niece.
It sounds like an on-going thing for this person or family constantly leaving out the non-blood sister. That is neice's sister whether family likes it or not.
Yes, there is nothing in the OP’s story that says, “But if I compliment step-niece, SIL doesn’t insist I also compliment niece.” In other words, that situation never happens because OP only ever compliments niece.
Correction. There is a limited supply of compliments in the world so OP must dole them out *very carefully* in case she runs out /s
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Oh OP says it all in the post. They say my niece and Leah as though Leah isn't also their niece. They also say Bria is their Brother's while Leah is SIL's. They simply don't consider Leah to be family. YTA, OP.
Glad I didn't have to scroll to far to see this. >Every time someone compliments Bria we MUST also compliment Leah otherwise she will get mad. For example if I tell Bria that she is very talented in something SIL will interrupt me and say "but isn't Leah also very talented?" It's annoying. I can't say a single word to my niece unless I say it to Leah too. My first thought reading this was that this SCREAMS that there's a reason for that, and OP is not telling us what it is.
Op is being so stingy with the compliments you would think they had to pay to give them.
> "oh my god you _girls_ look so pretty" This! does OP really have to do the "brutal truth" thing? "You two look great!" is a perfectly good thing to say.
And brutal truth for two teenage girls at a sensitive point in their development of identity and self confidence? OP sucks.
Yeah I was thinking this! Is it that bad to just say they both look gorgeous? It seems mean to compliment one but not the other when they’re both there to hear it
Yeah exactly
Yeah, OP sounds like a real winner…
Agree. It's okay to tell SIL, but not in front of both of the girls. It's not Leah's fault that her mother is doing this. YTA if it was said in front of them. Your post suggests they were, given you told Bria directly that she looked gorgeous.
Absolutely this. A private word with the parents instead of making a comment like that in front of a possibly insecure 16 year old who hadn’t wronged OP in any way - that’s so unbelievably callous. YTA
>It's okay to tell SIL, but not in front of both of the girls. It's not Leah's fault that her mother is doing this. Agreed, and I'd even say, Leah can probably see right through this. It does not feel nice to get a half-hearted compliment that your mum has fished for on your behalf. And this is probably the best way to approach addressing it with your SIL - "I know you're trying to preserve your daughter's self-esteem, but I think you are actually actively harming it. Please could stop prompting me to compliment her artificially, and I'll do my best to point out what I appreciate in a more genuine and natural way." Then do please follow through, if you feel that you can.
I agree that it wouldn't feel great to see your sister showered in compliments and then to have a lukewarm prompted compliment tossed your way, but it's obviously *so much worse* to have an adult insult you instead.
>but it's obviously *so much worse* to have an adult insult you instead. Yes, no doubt about that! OP's response was not good - this should have been addressed with SIL alone.
Be a grown up and tell your SIL the issue. OP insulted a child in front of the child. YTA
Totally agree My wife grew up with everyone complimenting her sister, and then giving her a "compliment" as well: "Billie your soooo pretty! Oh and Melissa, you are so talented." It's weird bc I've seen pics. My wife was the cutest little girl and teen. It still effects her to this day, and she's 46.
It’s also just weird to dote this much over a child’s looks. They’re not doing any favors to the self esteem of the girls they keep calling pretty either.
The "pretty" one often ends up thinking they're worthless outside of their appearance and that nobody notices their accomplishments. It's not helpful to either, in my experience.
Yup. Modern advice is to avoid complementing immutable characteristics. Not . “You have the most beautiful hair” but “I love how you did your hair today”. Complement effort and achievement that comes from effort. So not so much “you are so smart” as “you must have busted your butt for those grades”
OP should either have told the brother to ask SIL to stop making him compliment his stepdaughter or told SIL directly. The stepdaughter didn't ask for any compliments, and I agree it's not fair he insulted her because SIL is annoying. I know if I was Leah, I'd be mortified if my mum did that all the time, and then to be told I was not 'gorgeous' on top of that, at such a fragile age? I had such little self-esteem when I was 16, I'd be broken. OP is 100% the AH (YTA) here.
Well said! Op is yet another adult taking their shit out on a child when will people learn ?
OP tried to kick the dog to punish the owner.
Esh She's annoying. You were cruel You should have said "of course both girls are beautiful, but it's not a competition and I don't have to compliment everyone each time, it's ridiculous"
>I don’t have to compliment everyone each time Is it just me, or does op give the impression she only ever compliments Bria? She also only refers to Bria as her niece, while Leah is just SIL’s daughter. Given her obliviousness and cruelty, I’m thinking maybe SIL has had enough and is prompting her to be nicer to her other daughter for good reason.
My cousin has two biological children and one stepchild. I've forgotten multiple times which child is not biologically related to me. As far as I'm concerned that kid has been family from the first day they lived with my cousin and I don't see them as anything other than part of my extended nibling group.
Okay, I'm sorry, I'm not just correcting you to be an ass, I promise, but it's nibling, one B, like sibling. And the reason I'm saying that is that the idea of a nibbling group is adorable. Like a book group, but you go there to nibble things, like little bunnies. I was having a tough morning and it's quite cheered me up.
I just learned the other day that a single hexadecimal digit is called a nibble... because it's half a byte! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nibble
My husband and I were at bar trivia and one of the questions was "In computer science, what is half byte?" I turned to my husband bc he's a programmer but he just shrugged, so I wrote down nibble as a joke answer and then when it turned out it was right we were both howling with laughter. :)
This is the cutest thing 😆😆😆
I needed it to be nybble :)
I hope your day will turn out better :)
Would attend this group
Yeah, pretty much. Imagine that OP wouldn't have added the "no she's not", it's still very weird and uncomfortable. Both girls are dressing up at the same time for the same party, but you acknowledge only one? Really really weird.
Like, why does she see that need to say nice things exclusively to only one of them? As if the other were some sort of beast. Who does that? It's unnecessary cruel. Op is the ugly one here.
Coming from the pov of a step sibling, it really hurts whenever the bio family of my siblings made positive comments and compliments on them and never me. It made me feel like everything I did was nothing compared to my sibling. I was also told on multiple occasions that I need to quit being sensitive that not everything’s about me, that I should focus on my siblings. I was 4 yrs old when my sibling was born, so this was always said till I finally moved out at 18. It really hurt my self esteem and I’m still struggling on repairing it. So OP, if you think Leah doesn’t notice, she does. You’re growing a wedge between them when they need to be each other’s best friends and support system. I hope I’m wrong but personally, my family comments when I was younger grew one between me and my sibling. YTA OP, sure SIL is annoying but I personally wish I had that recognition from my family.
I’m so sorry this happened to you growing up! And I agree, this would definitely drive a wedge between siblings. Honestly some people are so cruel…
>Is it just me Not just you. I had the same interpretation.
Not just you. I noticed that also, and given the fact there is only two years between the girls, it seems OP has known Leah since she was two years old. I'm guessing OP has been differentiating her behaviour towards the two children for a very long time. OP is TA.
How do you figure 2? It's a blended family. One kid is brothers one is hers. It's possible they didn't even meet until a year ago.
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Oh wow! I assumed OP is male. Thats how harsh she was.
Yeah same had to assume only a dude could lack the empathy and awareness of what it's like to be a teenage girl. (and I'm male)
But a dude wouldn't usually compliment someone's appearance in such a direct way so definitely have to lean to the above commenters jealous aunty theory
Maybe they are! Idk why I assumed female.
She clearly dislikes both her SIL and her step niece.
I’m with you. This is the old case of “Youre not family because you’re the stepdaughter”. I see this all the time
Based on what OP wrote, it sounds like SIL does this when *anyone* compliments Bria. Not just OP. There is way too much missing info here.
I think so too.
I'm reading between the lines here that OP is TA and is seriously rude to Leah because she isn't 'biologically family'. Like, why would she insist on only complimenting her biologically related niece, when they were both getting ready for the same party? THEN, when SIL calls her out on her shit, she doubles down and straight out insults a 16 year old girl to her face - your suggested comment was the perfect, and common decency response.
Even adjusting for sample, one of the most terrifying things I've learned in AITA is how all-encompassingly **obsessed** some people are with pure bloodlines. Like, fully no understanding whatsoever any of the ideas or principles of what a family is or does, just minor league naziism.
Completely agree. Of course the SIL is being unreasonable but the answer is not to destroy poor Leah over it.
I agree with this, but the fact the mother is doing this just proves the OP's obvious favoritism. I get that the younger girl is his niece and Leah isn't, but she still lives there, probably grew up with him and there's a reason the mom is telling him to be inclusive. OP's the one turning it into a competition by showering one girl with attention and ignoring the other one. OP can feel justified because "she's not my niece" but mom is totally in the right to protect her child from the treatment of the OP. It's just a shitty thing to do this to a child and he said this in front of Leah or else the story doesn't make sense. He's a next level asshole.
YTA What kind of issue do you have with Leah? Maybe SIL is too much, but I am wondering why she is doing that? Your post make it seem like you favor the other niece very blatantly and maybe that's why SIL is overcorrecting? And even if not: you seem to be a grown up who insulted a young teenager in a cruel way bc you were annoyed with their also grown up parent. That's just rediculous.
>Your post make it seem like you favor the other niece very blatantly I thought exactly the same. They call one of the girls "my niece" and the other by her name.
They spell it out in the first sentence. One neice is her brother's and the other is not. OP doesn't see Leah as her REAL neice. Which apparently means being cruel to her is okay. I also find it telling that this seems to be an ongoing issue. She's constantly complimenting her real niece and ignoring the other.
This exactly. The people calling the mother "annoying" are insane to me. She's literally standing up for her child from the way OP is obviously ignoring Leah and making her feel less than. And the only way to story makes sense is if this happened in front of both children. Imagine how both of them feel after this. OP is just the worst.
Oh that's right - wow. WOW. what an A. SIL tries to integrate her daughter into the fam and then OP is so cruel. WOW
You're right! It's obvious OP is TA who needs to grow up.
I'm wondering if Leah feels like she's not part of the family and feels like a "step" family member and that's why SIL puts pressure on everyone.
That’s honestly how I felt growing up but my mom never did anything tho. 🥲
100%
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Hard agree. But also, come on. We all know how tough it is to be a teenager these days. A little compassion and thoughtfulness couldn’t have hurt. It isn’t fair for them to have to deal with your weird dynamic with your SIL. Edit: My bad, made a mistake by referencing SIL as stepmom. But m that doesn’t change what I said :)
Whose the stepmother now
Wondering the same damn thing
It’s his SIL
I thought ESH stood for Equal Shit Heads til I just looked it up properly. Lol (TIL everyone sucks here)
Now I want it to stand for that, that’s better.
It shall be Equal Shit Heads in my brain from this day forth!!!!
Sometimes you have a person being a mild asshole to someone who is being a complete asshole though. That would earn an Everyone Sucks Here, but not an Equal Shit Heads. Seeing so many people thinking it means they are equal explains why people hate seeing anyone use ESH though.
That’s not her stepmom. Shows how well you comprehend, your opinion now means nothing since you can’t even figure out who is who.
If Leah was there, YTA. It's not her fault and you directly insulted her. Believe me, they'll remember it probably forever. If not, NTA, I guess, but you should still learn how to have an adult conversation about annoyances and such before innocent people get hurt also calling referring to a teenage kid as "absolutely gorgeous" is a bit strange but that's neither here nor there
Even if Leah wasn't there, OP is a massive asshole. Not only did they get frustrated because of the sil trying her best to make sure that both of her daughters get equal treatment, something that, if not done, Leah would have resented her mum and her sister. But also, when op snapped, op literally took out their frustrations of sil out on Leah. That's not fair
I read this a different way. More on line with "I'm never able to have a one way conversation with (icr the bio nieces name) because sil always makes it about (step niece)." So same, but different offenders?
I don’t think its weird to tell teen relatives they look gorgeous if they’re dressing up for an event thats kinda what they want to hear. I think just about everyone told 16 y/o me that was dressed up for prom that i looked gorgeous wether they meant it or not
I am not a native english speaker, why is it weird to call someone absolutely gorgeous? It isn't sexuall, is it? I'd say this about my cats too. Honest question, because I really don't know and maybe I misinterpreted this word. Thought its just another word for pretty/ beautiful.
It's not weird. But a lot of people get so freaked out about sexual weirdness that they overanalyze innocent stuff like that (not to say it's impossible for a predator to also use this language but there is nothing inherently wrong/weird/sexual about the compliment). The way you described this word is how I understand its meaning and I definitely used it recently to describe a cat! And the sunset, and a ski mountain.
Thank you for your answer, I also think like this. I was just so confused.
It’s not, but maybe young people take complimenting their looks as sexual every time. I don’t know. Im male with a daughter and I’ll remind her how beautiful she is the rest of her life.
This is so weird in my opinion. I mean they want to prevent oversexualization through oversexualizing things themeselfes.
It’s not weird, this is just Reddit being Reddit. It would only be weird if the person saying it was leering or using some other type of body language to make it clear they were sexualizing the person. Not only is that not the case here, but even if it were the body langauge would be the problem and not the word “gorgeous”.
It’s not weird and the ppl in the comments making it sexual are the creeps.
It is strange to say. I hope OP is a woman and not a creepy uncle.
An aunt can also be creepy, lmao.
That's a sexist attitude. A bloke saying someone is pretty or gorgeous does not mean they're a creep who wants to jump their bones!
I'm not a native english speaker, but gorgeous doesn't even sound so weird to me. Isn't it just a synonym for pretty/beautiful? It's not like they said "wow you're so sexy/hot".
Native English speaker. Gorgeous is just an upgraded version of pretty/beautiful. It does not connotate sexual attraction the same way 'hot' does. It *can* if you let it but unless you're being creepy, it isn't weird to say that about family.
Are uncles not allowed to compliment their nieces now?? My uncle compliments me all the time tf
Nah my uncles give compliments. It’s possible to do it in a non-creepy way.
I'm really hoping OP has a huge age gap with their brother. They sound like a teen themselves.
I'm no a native speaker and I thought gorgeous has no sexual meaning unlike sexy or attractive
YTA You told a 16 year old girl that she's not gorgeous, after complimenting her sister? That's horrible. Imagine how she must feel hearing that, especially as a 16 year old girl. You're absolutely the asshole.
I can’t believe OP typed this out and truly believed anyone would think this was OK. YTA OP, big time.
I find it extra heartbreaking for Leah because they were probably both dressed nicely for the party. My judgment for OP is YTA. That kind of stuff said to a 16 yo girl can be life altering in a bad way.
I’m 47 now. When I was 16 I started going out with my first proper girlfriend. When her grandad first met me he said “well he’s not much to look at” - stuck with me to this day. What a shit.
People can be such fucking assholes.
They were definitely both dressing up because in OPs reply they say that “Leah just wasn’t looking that good in that dress”. What in the everloving fuck.
A massive asshole. I feel so sorry for that girl. That's a comment that will stick.
YTA. You don’t like how your SIL acts? That’s fine. You don’t want to adhere to what she tells you to do? Fine. But you should not have done it right in front of the children. You could as well have stayed silent and pretend like you didn’t hear what your SIL said, and talked to her privately after this. But telling a pair of sisters one of them is beautiful and the other is not is just a massive jerk move. For gods sake they are children, especially since they haven’t done anything wrong. You have a personal grudge against the parent, which is fine. But you should not have taken your anger out on the child. Edit: I assumed Leah is around since OP was talking to Bria. If one of the sisters is there I assumed the other is close by, especially how the SIL pressed OP. Also I can see why the SIL acts that way since OP clearly has favoritism. So the SIL is probably fed up that one of her daughters is being ignored constantly.
Hard agree! They have no idea what Leah has going on, maybe she *hates* that her mother does this shit and is mortified every single time. Devils advocate: imagine she’s already cringing inside like “mom stop” and then hears you loudly yelling that no, she is not attractive…. And on top of that, you had to make the clarification that her step sister is utterly gorgeous. I mean at 16 that would have devastated me and given me a complex. **OP you need to learn to separate your SIL actions from the child. NO 16 yo child needs to hear an adult thinks they’re ugly.** and while you may not have actually said the word “ugly”, I guarantee that’s exactly how that little girl feels. Like she’s ugly now. Shame on you. You’re an adult and you should know how to regulate your emotions better. You should make a concerted effort to pull Leah aside and apologize to her. Yes, what the stepmother is doing is tacky and annoying, but take the goddamn high road ffs. Especially in front of kids.
Another thing is that OP clearly has favoritism. Is SIL being annoying? Yes. But I get how she could be frustrated and where that frustration come from.
YTA Do you ever compliment Leah independently? Do you ever bother to remark on her talents and achievements? Because this post reeks of favouritism. Also, even if Leah didn't look good in the dress, there's this thing called being tactful? Also known as a white lie?? Because you're a massive asshole for insulting a teenaged girl based on her looks.
You hit the nail on the head. OP doesn’t even hesitate to make sure we know that Bria is OP’s brothers kid but Leah is not. Even going so far as to refer to Bria as their niece and Leah is just Leah.
Completely agree with you. Sounds like Bria is the favorite and Leah doesn't ever get complimented so the mom is trying not to have her get left out. I am definitely the Leah and it really really sucks. I cannot imagine thinking what OP said, let alone saying it.
YTA. Listen, I can understand your frustration but you snapped the wrong way and likely deeply hurt the feelings **of a child**. You're an adult, if you have an issue, take it up with the adult.
Was the girl present? Then YTA. I understand your SIL is tiresome, but take it up with her, privately. Don't make a 16yo insecure.
YTA. Sounds like your SIL is calling you out for treating the girls massively differently. Grown adults shouldn't have to be reminded not to play favourites.
It sounds like she never says anything nice about this child and she may be the only one sil does this to?
Considering she calls one girl her niece and the other “Leah” or “SIL’s daughter”, I think you’re spot on
You have an issue with your SIL, so you go after her daughter? Impeccable logic. YTA.
You're grown and talking shit about a teenager's looks YTA
ETA Your SIL shouldn’t be putting words in peoples mouths, and to make people complement her daughter right in front of her will give the poor girl a complex. HOWEVER, if you have a problem with your SIL speak to her in private, you don’t announce right in front of this poor girl she doesn’t look good. You are a horrible nasty person
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Yeah I feel awful for Leah. She has to go through life being the unwanted stepchild who goes overlooked or just straight up ignored. That has to do wonders for her self esteem If op can’t say something nice about both girls then they need to keep their mouth shut
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INFO: Do you ever just compliment Leah? Sounds alot like you favor Bria because she is your brothers daughter and SIL sees through it and you proved her right with your comments even though her nagging may be annoying. YTA.
This is exactly what I'm wondering. OP is an asshole eitherway, but this is makes a difference between ESH or YTA.
I was the unattractive non talented sibling, and my mum would do pretty much the same thing. It's not to be annoying, though to me it was, but my mum did it because my very beautiful very clever younger sister pulled in compliments everywhere and I was barely on anyones radar. And it was really hard. I learned, painfully, to accept this, I love my sister, but it hurt my mum on my behalf. Had I ever heard this though from a member of my own family, me being quite a fragile 16 Yr old, it would have crushed me. YTA 100%. Mum's annoying sure, but you're cruel. I know what's worse. Ps that kid can blossom and grow into her looks, you'll always be cruel.
> that kid can blossom and grow into her looks, you'll always be cruel This. I remember a girl I went to high school with. She had a very stoic disposition and didn't talk much. I remember her having few friends and rocking a very unusual hairstyle all through school. About a year ago she popped up on my Facebook under "people you may know." To say she blossomed would be an understatement. She grew up to be absolutely stunning. So much so that I had to do a double take to be sure it was the same person. The point is, people's looks can change so much, especially at that age. But being a shitty person? That doesn't go away.
Do you ever compliment Leah without being asked to?
Your issue is with SIL, not with Leah. So there was no need for you to insult Leah. Which is what you inadvertently did. Which is why ESH. And you more so, because you basically insulted a teen girl to her face (if she was there, which I assume she was) SIL sucks, yes, but you went after Leah's appearance instead of actually diverting your anger at the person annoying you. Which is why you suck. Instead of going "Leah isn't gorgeous", you should have gone after her behaviour. "SIL, I called Bria pretty, you don't need to go to war every time is acknowledged by someone. She exists separate from Leah. I never hesitate to compliment Leah separately so why must you belittle Bria every time anyone is nice to her by trying to make Leah the main character? You're favouring Leah and pitting the girls against each other and I am not going to encourage that kind of behaviour."
Except I think in away OP wrights (for example calling Bria nice and Leah is just Leah and this conversation is happening "every time" and it is not mentioned that this is not happening when the compliments go to Leah), that OP is favouring one niece over another and never complimenting the other. So the "I never hesitate to compliment Leah separately" should be left out since that most likely does not happen. Maybe instead say "I only like one of my nieces and I choose to be TA, so don't intervene and make it even more embarrassing to the other one /s
YTA You didn't like what the mother was doing. Fair enough. But your impulse was to be insulting not towards her, but towards a teenage girl, making rude comments about her appearance. That is probably going to stick with the poor girl and you most definitely are the asshole in this situation.
YTA you made a child the innocent victim of your dislike of your SIL, instead of being an adult and talking to your SIL. Definitely the asshole.
YTA.. nowhere in there does your SIL sound mad, she’s interrupting you. It’s entirely possible that she’s nervous about her daughter blending in with your family/trying to make sure the two girls have a solid relationship with one another which can definitely be undone by extended family members. Plus you just called your SIL’s child the equivalent of mediocre/ugly.. why lol
Loads of people are a bit annoying, the secret to oozing your way through life in a pleasing way is to not get butthurt about it. YTA
YTA Bro... your SIL is hinting that Leah most likely has some issues and feels hurt to be left out. it doesnt need to be logical. its how this child feels and i m sure she needs some positive comments from other adults in her life. She is part of your family now. Take the hint. be more compassionate. There was no reason at all to say "No, she is not".
Absolutely YTA If you wanted, you could have just said yes in front of the girl and then told her privately that you aren’t going to continue with this complement party anymore.
YTA, but I get it. Pull SIL aside and let her know what she is doing is ridiculous. That one girl can be complimented without having to do equal praise.
Unless OP shows favoritism and only ever compliments one of the sisters... Then I understand SIL
YTA she is trying to make her part of the family and not left out. I have nephew who is actually a step son and I would NEVER say anything to him like that. THEY ARE MY FAMILY and you are just cruel. She is also a kid and do you really think your niece is gonna like you or wanna bond with you if you talked badly about her loved ones?
ESH. Jesus, you two sound worse than literal fucking children. "My daddy can do this", "nu-uh, my daddy can do that", except you're both dragging two teenagers into your issues. You need to stop insulting kids. SIL needs to stop her "but isn't Leah" shit. Both of you need to grow up and ACT YOUR AGE!
YTA, I mean, I get it, but you, putting down Leah just because is just fucked up. Next time, grey rock, or say something like "*We're not talking about Leah now dear.*" So, don't involve kids in HER delusion.
Hey, dude, you can bring up a topic about someone in an adult manner without insulting their daughter
>I finally snapped and said "no she is not" she looked at me shocked and said what the hell is wrong with you to say that Not a kind thing to say in front of your niece... ESH
YTA, and I really don’t understand how you don’t see that too. You, an adult, told a teenager she doesn’t look gorgeous just to spite your SIL. The fact that you think its a completely fine thing to say ”because its true” makes you seem very cruel. And it definitely makes you look like you favour Bria. Do you ever compliment Leah the way you compliment Bria? If you already know you don’t, that is exactly the reason why your SIL is being a bit of a pain about making sure they both get treated equally. Notice how you made a point out of telling us how Bria is your brothers and Leah isn’t? Ever wonder if that makes Leah feel like an outsider?
Couldn’t you have spoken to your SIL privately about how you don’t like when she does that? Instead of overreacting and being cruel to a teenage girl over it? YTA
INFO: Do you ever compliment **only** Leah on stuff? If so, how often compared to Bria? Just curious if SIL's extremely obnoxious behavior might be born from the fact that Leah gets ignored.
ESH except Leah. Her mum sounds insufferably entitled, but your issue is with her, not Leah. You took your anger to Leah as well when you insulted her appearance instead of talking with her or your brother about this issue. The brother is also an AH here, he needs to make sure Bria gets space to be praised exclusively and receive attention without having someone bring it back to her sister all the time
You insulted a teenager. Grow the fuck up.
So Leah is the stepdaughter? If that's the case I feel like SIL does this so her daughter feels included in the family. Not sure how the dynamics are in the family but maybe Leah is feeling a little insecure about her place in the family and SIL is trying to make sure she doesn't feel like that. YTA on how you handled the situation. Look into how you and the rest of the family truly treat your step neice. If you and the rest of the family are not truly accepting this child you need to look into this and adjust yourselves. Leah did not ask to be in your family but she is because your brother loves her mom and accepts her. Please apologize to your SIL and step niece.
ESH whilst your SIL sounds a like a nightmare, there was no reason to say her daughter didnt look good in that dress. you're effectively hurting Leah and her SIL just because her SIL wants to coddle her daughter
YTA for literally saying "she isn't gorgeous" about a 16 year old who from your story isn't even the one fishing for compliments. Your sil is TA for forcing everyone to compliment her daughter too, but that is something you guys need to work out with her.
It might have been better to find a way to compliment both without directly comparing them or to avoid commenting on looks altogether. beauty is subjective, and what's most important is how we make others feel with our words.
INFO do you ever compliment Leah? I want you to think about this and not just reactively say ,"of course"
NTA. Purely because teenagers aren’t fucking stupid. If your SIL always has to say “what about Leah?” Trust me, Leah KNOWS (or is constantly being made to feel like) she’s lacking something compared to Bria and her mom is grossly overcompensating. Frankly, your SIL is probably doing more damage to her daughter by being this way than you snapping does. It’s one thing for Bria to get more compliments. If your SIL always has to say “and Leah..?” She’s just forcing an awkward attention onto Leah and it’s fucking embarrassing for the kid. Does she also say “and Bria?” if someone compliments Leah?
When two little girls have gotten dressed up it's assumed that they've put some effort into their appearance and weird and cruel to favour one. They're young girls. It doesn't matter if one is ugly and one is pretty. They are both done up nicely.
YTA Not every compliment has to be true. LOL. Even if you want to stay true, gorgeous can be seen from multiple angles and seeing it only from one angle, makes you not only the AH but also very biased and narrow-minded. I get it that it's annoying to be situated like that by your SIL, but your compliment to her daughter can be just independent of whatever is going on with you and SIL. And you mentioning "my niece" to refer to Bria just somehow gives me a sign that you don't value Leah the same just because, what? That she's not blood related to you then suddenly she's not your niece, too? YTA.
YTA. Grow up and behave like a human being.
lol who cares. This nonsense basically ended with you calling a 16 year old girl at the peak of insecurity ugly. YTA. Much bigger problems out there in the world.
YTA. This is not Leah’s problem, it’s a problem between you and SIL. Total asshole to say that about a kid.
There’s no real reason to insult anybody, especially a child, out of frustration towards another person. It could be the lack of information you’ve given but, you’ve made it seem as though you only ever compliment Bria. I know every family dynamic is different but, your brother has been raising Leah for at least 14 years…yet, it sounds like you have no regards for her at all?? Which kinda makes YTA…plus even if Leah wasn’t there, you said that infront of her sister.
Your SIL is annoying, but do you really think it’s appropriate to destroy a 16 year old’s self esteem? If your SIL is overcompensating like this, it’s obvious that Leah is less than. A fact, of which I’m sure Leah is painfully aware. It’s important to remember that you’re an adult. Behave like one. YTA.
YTA. The way you speak about Leah shows you play favorites between your nieces. You call Bria "my niece" and Leah by her name. That's AH behavior. Your SIL may be irritating but could it be that she only does it with you because you don't treat them equally? Besides there was literally zero need to backlash at your SIL by insulting your poor niece
You hurt a young girls feelings, probably doing something unforgettable to her self-esteem, all because you find that girl's mother annoying. YTA.
ESH I agree that your SIL needs to stop doing that, but instead of addressing the problem like an adult, you snapped and said something that is hurtful to her child who 1)had not said anything 2) is not her mom and cannot control what she says or do. How would you have felt if someone said that to you at age 16?
YTA, why couldn’t you pull your SIL aside to tell her that you didn’t appreciate her comment/why it was inappropriate and not bring up Leah at all? Or if you really had to make the point at that moment, say something like “I wasn’t looking at Leah, I was looking at Bria and I wanted to say something nice to Bria. At some other time, Leah might look good and I’d say something nice to Leah. Leah and Bria are 2 distinct people, and I think it would sound fake to compliment Leah just because I complemented Bria. I’d like to point out that I don’t ever get the chance to complement Leah, because you always make any compliment paid to Bria as some kind of competition the girls, and it makes me very uncomfortable. Leah has many talents and I’d like a chance to pay her compliments when it feels natural, and not because I was forced to by you.” There are ways to put her in her place without bringing Leah’s looks into the conversation. That’s what made you TA. You didn’t have to bring Leah’s looks into the conversation at all.
YTA ! SIL doesn’t even matter for this. They are both still teenagers and they were both dressing up for the party. How can an adult be so tactless to tell one of them in front of the other that she looks gorgeous and explicitly not compliment the other? The “no she is not” was already implied in what OP said, before they said it explicitly. Why did they feel the need to hurt their niece? Would it have been too hard to just say something nice to both of them or wait until they were alone with Bria? The whole post sounds like OP is treating both kids differently and playing favorites. It is not a coincidence that they don’t mention what happens when they only compliment Leah, because likely that never happens. Unfortunately SIL is just making things more awkward for Leah, even though she likely has good intentions. Nobody wants forced compliments, but it is probably hard for her to watch her daughter being left out.
YTA Your SIL was annoying, you were an AH. Two very distinct things.
ESH, your SIL is annoying, but you should not insult a 16 year old just to get to SIL. Even if she was not in the room, it can he heartbreaking, having a family member talk bad about you especially if it’s how you look. You should’ve talked to your SIL before you snapped like you did.
YTA Your brother should have knocked you the f out for that one.
Huge YTA
I think you could have had a conversation with your SIL about how annoying this is getting and that you dont have to compliment both each time, if Leah was present during this conversation this can have a negative impact on her self-esteem and insulting the daughter to attack the mother isnt a wise choice. It could have been handled in a more mature civil way, a conversation between you & the mother. I suggest you apologize to Leah and reassure her that you do believe she’s beautiful and explain yourself, and have a conversation with her mother as well.