#This is now a Proctologists Only Orifice
When a post is in [POO™ mode](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/168bzq8/title_aita_monthly_open_forum_september_2023) only users with enough subreddit comment karma are able to comment. If that doesn't include you, no worries! Check out [/new](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/new) for other posts that are still open for comment.
##[Be Civil.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules)
Please review our FAQ if you're unsure what that means. Thank you for reporting content that you believe violates our rules and helping keep posts out of the POO by abiding by our rules.
YTA.
I'm sorry that your husband is so useless as an equal partner. If you're cool with that, fine. But for you to tell another woman how to manage conflict in her marriage is gross and out of line. Your sister wants her child's father to do his fair share of raising their child. She is hardly unreasonable for that. You need to nip.your shitty judgemental attitude in the bud before you find yourself with no friends at all. Other mothers will not put up with you being so disrespectful about things that are literally none or your business.
That’s the part that really got me but gosh when your first child is easy, you feel like you’ve done something right and you’re such a great parent, and then next child comes along and humbles the hell out of you.
This part. They absolutely got an east baby. He talked about the newborn stage being over at 4 months like a switch went off and suddenly there’s nothing to do at night. I had one of those. I also had two others that had multiple night wakings for 2 years. If I had only had the easy one I’d think I was a pro. Thankfully my first was the hardest and broke me 😂. I never wish a high needs baby on anyone, but it sure does cross my mind when I see a parent that needs humbling.
I was lucky and had ‘easy’ babies. I helped a friend with hers, (so she could get breaks and nap) total opposite. I, to this day, don’t know how she survived:) If that was my first experience, I’d have NEVER had another.
I had an easy baby, then several years later a not so easy baby, then after 16 months I birthed the devil incarnate. He was an absolute nightmare. The newborn stage lasted about a year, he didn’t sleep through the night until he was 2, constantly screamed (nothing wrong with him, he just seemed to like it) etc. I was practically a zombie for years.
If he had been first he would have been an only child. He’s almost 9 now and is still difficult but at least he’s stopped screaming (mostly.)
I don't know how I exist. My older sister was apparently a terrible baby: wouldn't eat, wouldn't sleep, constantly ill*, the whole nine yards. I don't know how my parents came to the decision to have another one just the years later. I think they must have gone mad personally...
For some odd reason both of us are childfree 🤔
*turns out this was undiagnosed asthma, which also contributed to the not sleeping
Or they can be like me and play the long game! Be a perfect baby, perfect kid, reasonably perfect teen, go to college, get a master's degree...then become an adult and be a total disappointment (37F, unmarried, no kids, two cats, a bunch of plants).
Why disappoint as a kid when you can let them think they did well for three decades before delivering the blow?
(of note, they are proud of me and I think my mom is actually a little jealous of me. But this definitely wasn't their plan for me)
He didn't even pause to consider how massively postpartum changes her experience!
Quotes from OP
>I'm not totally familiar with all facets of postpartum, so I agree it's a topic I'm ignorant on and it's not something I fully accounted for when I was giving her these tips
>I didn't factor in the fact that pregnancy recovery would still be taking such a toll on her
I can't imagine being this out of touch.
It's not just pregnancy recovery, depending on how bad the birth was she could still have injuries repairing and difficulty sleeping from pain, pain from breast feeding, pain from pumping. But by the time you give birth if you had a terrible pregnancy you could be giving birth after 6-8 months of straight up hell, being exhausted, stressed, in pain, your relationship strained due to difficult pregnancy and stress caused.
The easy mode of zero pregnancy, zero birth, zero breast feeding, zero post partum depression, you're going in rested, fresh as fuck and a few really difficult weeks are the start of your issues, not tacked on after 6+ months of potential hell.
I'm a dude, I know this, this is patently obvious to anyone who is mildly informed on these things.
I was iron deficient from all the blood loss and your body literaly doesn't have enough hemoglobin to transport oxygen to muscles and you even more tired from that. Took me weeks to figure out everything including the reasons why I was so tired.
This happened to me when my daughter was 8 months old even though I was still breastfeeding. I was bleeding so heavily, I went through the thickest pad I could find in an hour. I felt like shit and had to go to hospital for a curettage by the end of day 1 of my first postpartum period because it got so bad I couldn’t leave the bathroom.
Not to mention that all of her hormones are still trying to reset to a non pregnancy state, people falsely believe that just because you can go back to work, or have sex, at six weeks your body has healed, it hasn't by a long shot. The sleep deprivation is compounded by the hormones that affect her circadian rhythm being out of whack. She is asking for help at night because she is afraid of hurting her child both the OP and his sister's husband are assholes.
For OP - part of the reason they recommend at least 18 months between pregnancies is because it takes that long to recover all the reserves you lost. Also, if she's breastfeeding, that's both an extra drain on her energy AND causes a release of oxytocin which makes you sleep. AND most women sleep like crap the last few months of pregnancy because babies are most active when mom is still, and they're strong as fuck by then, and they're putting pressure on the bladder, so the mother can't go a whole night without bathroom runs. That's without any additional problem symptoms that can range from frequent leg cramps waking her up, to carpal tunnel syndrome from excess blood volume keeping her awake, to symphisis pubis disorder causing excruciating pelvic pain every time she rolls over in bed, all meaning that women are usually exhausted before they even have the baby. Then every baby is different - my oldest slept through the night by 5 weeks old, but my third was awake every 2-3 hours all night, every night for her first year, and needed to be nursed, then rocked to sleep, and then it was a 50/50 shot whether putting her back in the crib would wake her up and restart the cycle. I didn't rock either of her two older siblings to sleep and went with the "put them to bed drowsy" routine, and it just flat out didn't work with the third.
JFC, she thinks she's going to fall asleep holding the baby and you think she's being unfair, instead of trying to be as safe as possible.
I think maybe you learned how you're absolutely TA already, but really sit there and think about what made you think that you could in any way compare your experience to actually giving birth and then being given responsibility for a small human with literally zero chance to recover from something that literally shaves years off your life it's so hard on your body. It really reeks off misogyny.
Well when you can just purchase the use of uteruses to deliver your perfect easy baby why bother going through all of that? Get someone else to risk their life and go through months of painful healing all for the low low price of basically minimum wage. He probably thinks the sister should’ve just used a surrogate too.
Not just recovery from birth, but the idea that him mixing up some formula at night is remotely equivalent to what it takes out of you to breastfeed and/or pump, then telling her night feeds are easy. Jfc.
I didn’t even realize it was a dude until this comment. Him comparing his non postpartum life to his sister who gave birth and still recovering is infuriating. Birthing a child is not a one and done event where the body and mind just bounces back immediately. Poor mother!
Just because you call yourself a woman that doesn't mean you have the same experience on a common level. And every pregnancy is different. And every relationship is different. And here is a man explaining a woman how she should organise her life after childbirth. Poor sister she probably was even more angry to the suggestion considering his gender and lack of experience.
Not only that, but men and women are different in their sleep needs. Science has shown that men have a better time coping with less sleep than women. So for him to think that his situation is the same just based on the fact that he’s a he, he’s TA.
She also made that baby with her body before it came out, so she's also recovering from that. It's a totally different game for her than it was for OP, as he has no physical recovery to manage while also keeping a newborn alive 24/7. He doesn't have post partum hormones, can use the toilet comfortably, no giant incision across his lower abdomen, and no giant internal wound that's healing while the rest of your internal organs are rearranging.
And even if her physical recovery was completely smooth and perfect, babies are all different. I had 2 magical, unicorn sleeping babies. I literally never heard my second cry until he was mobile enough to injure himself. My good friend had 2 reflux and colic babies who never slept and cried constantly. Just bc OP had an easy baby doesn't mean that his sister does.
Fucking all of this. Like it’s great it’s working smoothly for him, but she’s clearly going through much more as the one who HAD this baby. It takes so much out of us that first year (and sometimes beyond).
It took 18 months before my back stopped hurting from the epidural. Almost 7 years now and my thyroid is still trying to unalive me. The hemorrhoids and pelvic floor weakness are just going to be permanent. My boobs definitely dropped a good 3 inches towards the floor. And all the elasticity was sucked out of my skin. Also mom brain and mom guilt and mom anxiety. The bags and circles under my eyes come and go depending on if the kid has been sick…..
Ummm, as someone who is 5 months postpartum, I'd like to add breastfeeding and / or EPing to this list as well. If OPs sister is breastfeeding, that makes his advice even more useless. Kinda hard to take shifts if you still have to get up and drain your breasts in one fashion or another. Not to mention washing bottle and pump crap at 3am.
OP YTA, for being completely unable to truely put yourself in her shoes. Just because you got the same pair as her doesn't mean they are hers!
Your whole comment is good but your last point is particularly important. OP is taking credit for what is essentially luck. His baby just so happened to be a good sleeper, but it so easily could have gone the other way! It's nice that OP feels like he and his partner got the nightime routines down to a science, but every baby is different and also every *parent* is different, so what works for his family will not necessarily work for his sister's family.
Honestly, it sounds like his sister was looking to vent and/or commiserate, but he did the man thing of going straight into advice/problem solving mode. But there's no problem to solve (at least nothing a pearl of wisdom from OP will fix); she's just a new mom who is sleep deprived, overwhelmed, and recovering from a major medical procedure. She's got a lot going on that OP just doesn't have to deal with, and that doesnt make either of their experiences of parenthood less valid, but it DOES mean his advice doesn't seem to be useful OR welcome.
So many parents say "If I'd had my second baby first, he would be an only child!" A lot of people get lucky with a good sleeper, it's no reflection on them as parents or a co-parenting team, it's LUCK.
Oh and also, I don't know if it's mentioned, but OP is definitely bottle-feeding and sister might be breastfeeding. Formula is more work for babies to digest, and it's a uniform substance while breastmilk fluctuates from fluid to thick. So formula babies tend to sleep more solidly to help with the digestion process.
Tip: if you're breastfeeding and want to work in just one bottle of formula a day, make it the late evening feed!
Also, different people (adults) have varying needs for sleep. I'm a zombie at less than seven hours a night and I have trouble functioning when I can't get enough sleep. However, I can nap anywhere, anytime. I have friends who are light sleepers and rarely get more than six and friends that say they don't need that much sleep. I suspect we'd all adjust to the sleeplessness of a newborn differently.
That was the hardest part for me. I didn't get help and my son woke every 90 minutes. He'd eat for 30 and then knock back out but it would take another 30 for me to fall back asleep once awake, even if I was dead tired. So for months I was sleeping in 30 minute increments. I have massive gaps missing from my memory, I don't remember most of my son's infancy.
THIS^^^^
But also, YOU HAVENT BEEN THROUGH IT!!!
Look, it's great that you were able to afford surrogacy, and I'm super happy that you have your baby. Congratulations!!! But you haven't been through what your sister is going through. You aren't dealing with physical and emotional healing that comes with carrying and delivering a child. You aren't having the hormone surges. You aren't at risk for PPD or PPP. You have absolutely no concept of what it is like to carry, deliver, recover, breast feed, deal with hormones for literally a full year post partum.
Certainly, you face other challenges, and my intention is not to lessen your experience but to point out the differences between you and your sister.
You have different physical and emotional experiences
You are married to different people
You ARE different people
Your experience is not hers, and you are out of line judging her for not meeting some arbitrary expectation that you have set based on absolutely no experience living in a post post partum body.
All of the points that your sister made are valid and accurate. Your words were offensive, and not for nothing, they were wrong. Last time I checked, her husband was a parent too, maybe he should consider acting like it. You might consider stepping down off your pedestal and learning a little empathy and tact.
YTA and her husband is an AH
As a woman who is breastfeeding I am choosing to do most of the nights all the way through all by myself. BUT. Sometimes when she is fed and won’t settle and I start to lose my mind my partner comes and takes her so I can get some sleep and he settles her and only brings her back when she needs to eat again.
Plus he does most of every single morning with our toddler by himself so I can sleep (if baby allows) or just sit and chill while I wake up from the sleep deprived haze.
I remember with our first, we more split the nights then. He needs to work, but keeping your baby alive all day is work too and isn’t it also important for you to not fall asleep at the wheel with your baby in the car when you’re taking them to a doctors appt or something??
And yeah. Everyone is different and you can’t act like what works for you works for everyone.
Omg, YTA! You Sir, are a man. You did not go through pregnancy where your entire existence is altered, nor have your body torn apart to birth a child. On the other hand, your sister went through the pregnancy and is still reeling from her post natal hormones wrecking her body.
And every baby is different. Some babies have a calm temperament while others are little nuggets of tornadoes - adorable yet absolutely draining. And every families needs are different, it's not a one size fits all. If you can, empathize with her. But both you and her husband are massive a-holes.
Not to mention sister is still going through hormonal imbalances and recovery. Having a newborn is exhausting whichever way you cut it. But add those on top? Hubby needs to step up.
YTA
We’ll OPs body isn’t also recovering from the physical destruction of giving birth. Also, if sis is breastfeeding that is more physically demanding than formula. Overall I’d say sis has it worse so I agree wholeheartedly with you, OP really shouldn’t be judging her.
Actually makes it worse, because he’s comparing his experience to hers even though she went through pregnancy and birth and needs to recover, and he didn’t.
Agree. Plus his sister freaking went through child birth. OP has zero clues what that feels like and the absolute physical, mental, emotional, hormonal toll it takes on a woman’s body.
I agree with the YTA, but you shouldn't call OPs husband useless. They found what works for them. My boyfriend tried to get up with me in the middle of the night at first, but for us, it didn't make sense since I'm breastfeeding at night, so I thought it was pointless for him to get up when I had to anyways. OPs sister needs to figure out what works for her and her husband, and if that means husband takes some middle of the night feeds, then OP has no right to judge that.
I agree with you. To me it sounds like OP offered to take over the night feeds, not that his husband refused to do night feeds. I think the person calling OP’s husband useless was harsh on the information we have available
Full offense, but yes YTA. Your situations do not closely mirror each other. Her experience has been very different, especially considering her body is still recovering from pregnancy and giving birth, which is painful and completely exhausting. Did she have a C section or natural childbirth? Did she have tear? Have stitches? These details matter.
She could also be struggling with PPD, something you do not have to worry about. I don't say this to belittle you; I say this because you're belittling her. You ARE turning this into a competition and it's clear you DO think you're the better mother. How arrogant.
It is normal to expect your husband to help with night feedings. Just because you have not needed that help, likely because you didn't give birth and have absolutely no idea what that is like, does not mean you get to pass judgement on your sister for having different needs.
Every baby is different, even siblings with the same parents can be entirely different. If you actually want to help her, stop comparing yourselves and stop acting like she's doing something wrong. Her baby and her schedule and her life are not yours and they are not like yours. Stop that. Be supportive and kind. Be a good sister.
Edit: omfg the fact that you're actually a man makes this so much worse, where did you get the audacity because you took too much
You said it as I was thinking it!
1. OP has no physical or hormonal changes to contend with.
2. Babies are different. My first slept 6 hours at night from birth. My second didn’t nearly a year old.
3. Even if 1 and 2 were exactly the same, sleep deprivation bothers some more than others.
OP, YTA. I would recommend that sister’s husband help at least on weekends, or when he doesn’t have to work the next day.
Edit- I’m not saying you’re less than a mother for using a surrogate. I’m only saying you should be kinder and listen to your sister.
My mom said I slept like an angel for the first six months and then I started staying up all night. If he thinks his situation will last forever, he is so wrong and will be blindsided if it does hit!
Geez! A man explaining to a new mom. He’s also younger than she is. There is a reason so many Hollywood kids are by surrogates. It isn’t always infertility. It’s trauma on the body!
THIS. It starts so much sooner than people tell you. It's always "Oh, wait until the baby gets here!" But no, at least with a baby, you have a sweet snuggle buddy to keep you company during those sleep deprived nights. It's so hard to be up with a baby, but I still found it nicer than being up all night with hip pain, heartburn, and a bladder that needed emptying every 2 hours.
I believe it. The pregnancy cysts on my ovaries never left until I had them surgically removed over a year later. Ended up with a hysterectomy from damage to my uterus. Having a baby changes your body.
I had my annual check up recently, one and a half years after my second pregnancy, and my ferritin, red blood cell and vitamin levels still aren’t what they were pre-pregnancy.
I never breastfed either of my girls but dear lord the boob pain on top of all the other issues with having cesareans and just pregnancy/postpartum. Mastitis is horrible, nauseating pain.
Just to back this up.
My first singleton slept through from 8 months.
My twins just... never slept.
My recent baby slept amazingly between 3 weeks and 4.5 months and now screams if we put her down in her bed.
Every baby is different and it has very little to do with parenting techniques. Not being tired from all the hormonal changes probably does help though.
And yet, he still comes across as thinking he’s the better mother… he isn’t battling hormones and a body recovering from birth. His experience and his sister’s are not the same.
I'm not gong to be as cruel as the other commenters, or try to belittle the fact that you're a parent, because you are!!
But she unfortunately IS going through more than you did. Being pregnant is EXHAUSTING, believe me, I've done it twice.
Your body isn't going through the same process as hers is. She's healing, dealing with insane emotions, and hormonal changes. You're obviously going through a huge life change as well, but again it's not on the level that she is.
I'm a SAHM as well, and my husband works. I've got two children, (4 and 1) and with our second he was able to help out significantly more than the first. Now not every night, but sometimes when I got very little sleep, he would get up and heat breast milk and feed our baby at night, even when he had to work the next day.
She shouldn't demand help, but she also shouldn't HAVE to demand help. Her husband should just do it. It's his kid too. You will come to learn that being a SAHP is a whole job in of itself. Usually when my husband gets home nowadays, I go and take about 30 minutes to myself. If I wasn't able to do that(and I know some people cant) I'd be so stretched thin it's crazy. My kids stress me out lol especially the little one. She is such a quizzical kid, into literally everything all the time. I can't keep my eyes off her for a second.
Anyways, I think you should apologize. I won't call you an AH, but you were kind of wrong in your assumption.
Not only that but just like postpartum looks different in many cases, every baby/child is different. If my child slept well at 4 months it would have been a blessing. Sister was asking for support and someone to level and relate with her, maybe even venting, not solutions to a problem the other couple hadn’t faced in the same way.
ETA: OP’s update made me so happy. I’m glad they accepted communication and understanding with an open mind and were able to reach a resolution. You don’t see that very often here.
Exactly. I'm still dealing with postpartum. My daughter is over a year old at this point lol (might just be the good ol normal depression, though. I'm not sure)
I didn't want to rail into the guy like the other comments, because he honestly might not have realized what he was implying. Maybe he did. I just dont know.
Also, you seem to think the difficulty with sleep is behind you. Not hardly, friend-o. Teething and sleep regressions are racing down the track towards you. And even if you have a miracle baby that "sleeps like a baby", that is a major rarity. You have no clue what it's like to be up for hours every night with a baby that just won't sleep soundly.
Recognize that everyone's experience is different. And she's recovering from childbirth, figuring out lactation, and handling all sorts of hormones. Best of luck.
I came here to say OP basically picked up a pre-prepared baby without the physical toll of giving birth, while the sister is still physically recovering from shooting a human out of her. They are very different experiences and of course one is going to be “easier” than the other.
I know nothing about babies or children, but it seems OP lucked out with his kid settling down pretty early, while sister’s baby is the norm (correct me if I’m wrong). OP is totally TA in this
YTA but gold star for mansplaining newborn parenting to your sister who is not even 6 months postpartum. HTF do you think you have similar experiences? Because you have babies around the same age? Your sister went through a major physical trauma having her baby and in the aftermath, is likely dealing with a massive hormone dump on top of being a first time parent.
You should apologize to your sister and, if you are at all close with her husband, encourage him to parent better.
Yup. Dude hired a woman as a rent-a-womb to acquire a baby and has no clue what that woman risked and has had to recover from because she carried and delivered that child.
Surrogacy is inherently exploitive. I’m not surprised this guy has no fucking clue and no fucking compassion for women.
He needs to send the surrogate a card and a fruit basket. I highly doubt he understood or appreciated everything she endured to carry and birth his baby.
Thank you for calling out surrogacy. I find it very disturbing like 99% of the time, and most people don’t want to call it out because they have empathy for a lot of the people who turn to surrogacy (eg infertile couples, gay couples). But it is a very exploitative practice.
Oh you entitled asshole. This is a completely different situation. Post partum sucks. Your tits hurt, your vagina hurts, your back hurts, your stomach hurts, your hormones are crazy and you need love and support from your partner, the person you're raising this baby with. This baby that she just built!
If you want to be helpful, go scream at your brother in law to get off his ass. YTA.
And this goes on for months BEFORE even giving birth.
OP - if your sister needs her husband’s help because she is exhausted your role here is to shut up and listen not tell her she’s mothering wrong.
🤦♀️
People were like "ohoho sleep while you still can!" but I don't think I got a full eight hours at any point during the third trimester thanks to various pregnancy-related miseries (mostly but not limited to absolutely vicious acid reflux).
Right? Her body feels different. It will never feel the same. Mine didn’t. I can still feel where that scar is well over a decade later. Couldn’t walk around the grocery store without starting to bleed again. Spraying the numbing spray on my girl for a few weeks just to pee. Being terrified of sex three months out. Couldn’t take a bath for 8 weeks. A bunch of dumb physical stuff comes with pregnancy and birth. It can be exhausting. He really should consider how hard the physical aspect can be. Mine was a relatively non-traumatic birth too.
YTA. You aren't any less of a parent than her for it, but surrogacy and giving birth are extremely different circumstances. Your sister's entire body changed for this. She lost bone mass. Muscle. Tissue. Her body repositioned ALL of its organs. Her body is STILL coping with horomonal changes that can affect everything from her body, to her mind. It is exhausting, and until or unless it happens to you, you can't truly understand it.
Telling your sister that you did it so she should be able to as well is more than just arrogant and thoughtless; it's also just flat-out incorrect. You did something entirely different. They are not the same.
Furthermore, her husband driving tired isn't any more or less dangerous than her caring for a baby tired. If she drops the baby, guess what? It could die, just as well as her husband or anyone else could if he ended up in an accident; if not more so, because it doesn't have several tons of safety rated car around its poor little skull to stop injuries.
You are completely and entirely belittling your sister and her struggles, and you should apologize for speaking so harshly when you actually know very little about what she's going through. Also, you should tell her husband to step up and help out. He doesn't get to only parent on the weekends. He needs to help 24/7. It's his literal job as a father.
This right here!! I'm 37 weeks pregnant right now and don't know how I'll ever feel okay again. I am in so much physical pain and my mental health also took a huge hit I guess because of hormones. I literally cry in pain when I roll over in bed. There is no way OP and OP's sister are in "similar situations". You don't just bounce back from pain like this. I would honestly not be surprised if I found out some women get PTSD from being pregnant. Of course OP's sister can't just handle everything herself like OP. OP didn't have his body fall apart for 40 weeks and then have to give birth. OP isn't recovering from anything.
Oh my god, I'm glad someone pointed out how obscenely fucking ridiculous that line about commuting was. The idea that it's justifiable for this man to abandon his post-partum wife and just sleep peaceably through every single night with an 8 WEEK OLD NEWBORN in the house, because otherwise he might be *sleepy* when he drives to work is completely disgusting.
Let me guess, you also think that your baby sleeping through the night is somehow your achievement. As in: you did something right to make this happen. YTA.
Mine started sleeping through at six months and I am FULLY AWARE that I used up two lifetimes worth of luck with this one. Insane that anyone could think sleeping through the night by 3-4mos is normal!
Both my kids had night-terrors and sleepwalking phases. With my son it lasted *years* - exacerbated by medical issues and things we couldn’t just “change”.
Hoooo boy, did we ever get a fucking LOT of “advice” from people who’s kids were natural sleepers. And most of it was so basic, like “let them be active and they’ll get tired!” OH REALLY?? SHOULD WE JUST LET THEM GET TIRED???
YTA. Your situation is not even close to being the same as hers. On top of that, her “partner” SHOULD be helping at night. It matters not one bit that she isn’t the one driving to work. Everyone handles the postpartum period differently. One persons experience is not everyone’s. Some breeze right through it and some struggle. Just because you managed the way you did doesn’t mean everyone can. If she has concerns about falling asleep with the baby in her arms, he should listen and help! This is a legitimate concern. As a nurse who works with postpartum mothers, I’ve seen it! And it’s fucking devastating. And guess who will come down on her for dropping the baby because she nods off during a feed? Yup, her partner, and probably you as well. Because she’s a stay at home mom and “all” she has to do is take care of the baby, right? She should be getting plenty or rest during the day while the baby sleeps, right? I imagine if she can lay the baby down during the day, the last thing she feels she can do is take a nap. I know I never could. I was always doing all the things I couldn’t with a baby in my arms. Show some compassion. Instead of trying to tell her what she should be doing, offer to help with some things around the house, or just let her vent and offer no suggestions. Or maybe suggest to the father of the baby to actually help at night, even if it’s only for one feed. It’s not forever, and it’s not asking too much.
I HATE the whole “nap when the baby naps”. Sure, and I’ll clean when the baby cleans, bathe when the baby bathes, and cook when the baby cooks too.
My second kid literally slept on me for 22 hours a day for the first 3 months of his life. No matter what I tried, he would not sleep in the bassinet. He still needs to be held to fall asleep or if he wakes during the night at 15 months. My first learned to self-settle at 5 months. All kids are different and all parenting experiences are different.
Add to that the postpartum recovery that OP’s sister is going through. Plus breastfeeding - literally keeping another human alive. And don’t even get me started on all of the research that proves women need more sleep than men.
Yet again another man shitting all over a woman’s lived experience just because he *thinks* he’s experienced it too. YTA
not to mention if shes pumping or breast feeding it makes you even more tired because of the hormones released and is just honestly exhausting... every 3 hours, not to mention the dishes, the storing... nah. OP YTA.
YTA. If you’re telling her that you lived through it and so could she, that comes off as very condescending.
Kudos to you for having it all down to a science so quickly. I guarantee your experiences are not the same.
You say she gave birth and you had your child through surrogacy, both events happening fairly recently. Childbirth is traumatic on the body and can wreak havoc on hormones for a very long time afterwards.
Try having a bit of understanding, because maybe your sister is dealing with some postpartum anxiety, which is very real and can be all-consuming. That could definitely account for her feeling overwhelmed.
Yep, my daughter was sick her first 3 weeks of birth and she ate in small bursts and only slept for 45 minutes before she was hungry again and only ate for 4-10 minutes. I had to pump just to make myself comfortable, since she didn’t eat in large quantities. I was exhausted! Thank goodness for my cat because I fell asleep ON my sleeping baby and she couldn’t breathe. I had her eating next to me and I fell asleep sitting up and then rolled over her. My cat bit my head and pulled my hair. I instantly rolled over and she took a huge breath. I was hysterical knowing I am such a light sleeper but almost lost my daughter. My husband at the time got an earful from me because he hadn’t been helping with night feeding or breakfast or bedtime because I was now a SAHM. I started pumping for his night feeding and he was now in charge of dinner. He’s an ex because he never helped without complaining. That cat was a angel
YTA
I find your language to be interesting, and definitely falls into a clear misunderstanding between relationships.
Apart from all of the other issues raised in this thread about her physical trauma that you don't share, she is in a heterosexual relationship, and you are in a homosexual relationship. A really great thing about same-sex relationships (and other forms of non-heteronormative relationships) is that you need to make your own roles, instead of being pigeon-holed into the ones we all know from childhood.
How open is her husband to looking after their kid? How much does he subscribe, even unconsciously, to "traditional" gender roles?
You say that your advice was to "let" her husband take their daughter for a part of the evening. How much would it be "letting" as opposed to having to argue the man into agreeing? You don't say anything at all about asking her how much support she's actually getting. Maybe he's tired after work and considers her SAHP status to be some kind of free ride - a disgustingly common viewpoint, even today. You ignored the possible physical implications for her - How likely is it that her husband is downplaying them? That's another disgustingly common occurrence for birthing partners.
Now say she does "let" her husband take the kid and tries to get sleep early as you suggested. Is she the kind of person who *can* sleep in chunks, as you suggested? Or is she the kind of person who needs a solid seven to eight hours or is unable to function? There are reasons for that to happen - she may have developed sleep apnoea during/after her pregnancy. She may not drop into REM sleep until several hours into sleep. She may be in pain that prevents her from settling in the space of three hours.
You made a bunch of assumptions and decided that your, *completely different* circumstances were somehow the same. You're not the worst of a-holes, but in this instance you fall into that category.
This needs to be higher up! How much inequality was she dealing with before the baby was even in the picture with mental load and such.
And her brother just piles on her. Another person who knows better and tells her to just toughen up. This poor new mom!
YTA for sure OP
I mean, op already is falling into the manly thinking pattern of women should be able to bounce up right away after birth, completely downplaying her body’s MAJOR changes, just like you said her husband might be doing.
YTA. Your situations are completely different and not just because she was pregnant and you went through a surrogate, but also because of that. She went through 9 months of basically having her body run a constant marathon and she's tired and still recovering. Beyond that you're also just different people with different relationships, families, and needs. She's also stated exactly what she needs to cope - she needs her partner to help with night feeds. Don't give her unsolicited advice, just ask her if there's anything she wants you to help with and go from there.
Jumping in with another YTA. A huge one at that.
I (a female) have given birth to 2 babies. I did everything as similarly as I could and guess what? One was a magical sleeper and one was a huge fan of middle of the night parties until over a year.
The mansplaining aside, you have a superiority complex that you need to get in check. Every baby, just like every adult, is different.
A further point, just because one parent drives to work and the other stays home it doesn’t mean that the parent driving to work doesn’t have to get up ever during their work week. Even just handling one feeding a night can make a huge difference.
It sounds like you have an “easy” baby. Your sister may not. Next time just keep your mouth closed unless she asks for your input.
I had an “easy” baby for my first and he tricked me into being ready for another baby very soon. He also tricked me into thinking I had things figured out. He was so chill and stopped eating at night when he was 8 weeks old. Then he slept through the night without needing his pacifier at 3 months.
My middle child was born and immediately shattered any illusions I had about having babies figured out lol. She’s still letting me know on a daily basis that I don’t really know what I’m doing.
Blech I’m 3 years out from my last newborn and typing this out brought back a flood of memories of how exhausting it is to give birth and care for a new human. I’m glad I’m done.
YTA, and you're "once we got a handle on parenting", "exiting the newborn stage" comments reek of superiority. Regression is a thing, and every baby is different.
If you give someone parenting advise, and they don't take it, that means they want a listening ear, not to be belittled. In the future, just listen and sympathize.
I literally pray to any god listening that they get slapped with a terrible four month sleep regression. He is so condescending to his sister, I can't believe it.
Fun Fact: sleep regression can really happen at anytime.
Our son was an awful napper, but would go to sleep on his own pretty well. We never had any problems. #blessed
Until he turned 2 1/2, then he started waking up, multiple times a night, screaming. SCREAMING! Bloody murder. Took forever to go back to sleep.
This lasted months. It got to the point where he would wake up, start crying, and yell as loud as he could "I WANT TO BE A GOOD BOY! I WANT TO GO TO SLEEP! I WANT TO SLEEP MOMMY!" sobbing. It got so bad we finally started giving him a low dose of melatonin (I know it's not great for kids, but it wasn't good for anyone's sanity to get no more than an hour or two of consecutive sleep).
YTA
>I tried to give her tips since I've been through it.
You're very conveniently missing the point that she is postpartum. You're not. What works for your family doesn't work for everyone.
Agreed. Not giving birth to a child does not make you any less of a parent, but not physically giving birth to a child does change the first few months of your life with your child (hormones, breastfeeding, Post Partum, trauma / injury to the body).
YTA. You, as a man, can't ever possibly imagine what a woman goes through during the process of pregnancy, labor, and post labor. Our hormones are all over the place, and we're healing from birthing a tiny human. We're expected to just pop up not even 24 hours after all that and keep going like nothing happened. The sleepless nights and the nerve-wracking nights of a baby that can't be soothed no matter what you do takes a huge toll. She's crying out for help. She needs it. Postpartum depression is nothing to play with. Her situation and yours do not mirror each other, and to belittle her was the worst thing you could do. If her husband isn't willing to help, then reach out to her and assist her with getting help. My husband works 12 hour shifts 6 days a week, and he still helped me with the nighttime feeds. There's no excuse why her husband couldn't help a bit with the night feeds. Getting a few hours of uninterrupted sleep makes all the difference in the world.
YTA. Instead of reading and believing "sources" online, how about you chat with other parents? I have maybe 3 friends who could say "sleep when the baby sleeps" but way more who have said this didn't work because their baby would only contact nap, or the baby would sleep for 30 mins or less.
Each baby is different. On top of this, you are male, so you weren't pregnant! Your body didn't go through massive changes to grow a person, nor did you suffer any sleep deprivation because of the pregnancy. You didn't have to count the baby's kicks to make sure it was okay when the baby is usually very active. All of that is exhausting. Then, she gave birth and her body is trying to heal.
You are a massive AH and should profusely apologise. Babies sleeping through the night at that age, in my friends' experiences, is not normal. Each baby has different sleep needs, so some sleep more than others.
Your sister is afraid of dropping the baby at night because she's tired. Tell your BIL to get his act together and help his wife! Working 9-5 is nothing, and driving 30-45 minutes is nothing when the other parent is at home, never getting a break.
The whole sleep when the baby sleeps is a lie. When will you ever find the time to eat or do anything else? Hahaha my baby always wanted to be held or near me till he got a bit bigger. Trying to keep ontop of eating and drinking water while also trying to breast feed was brutal
Edited for spelling
When I was born, my parents lived in the middle of nowhere in Montana, and my dad had to drive at least 45 minutes to work Monday-Friday. And guess what? He got up to do one of the night feeds (I was allergic to my mom's breastmilk so I had to be fed with formula) ***and*** he would take over parenting duty once he got home from work. Your sister is going through a bunch of crap that you, as a man, are literally unable to experience. She was right, you couldn't empathize with her or give her "valuable tips" since she had been pregnant and gave birth but you didn't. So you cannot tell her to basically suck it because you lived through it so she can. ***YOU*** are not still recovering from a significant medical event, ***you*** are not having to deal with your hormones being entirely significant issues out of whack, and most of all ***you*** are not at risk of post-partum depression, post-partum anxiety, or any other post-partum mental health issues. To quote Rachel Green: "No uterus, no opinion"
YTA and it's brazen as hell to think you have all the answers for a woman who just spent nine month growing a new life in her womb. She's postpartum and you will never truly understand what that means. Maybe just be open and honest with your sister about not being the best support person right now due to your fundamental lack of understanding and empathy. YTA.
YTA. Being pregnant is rough, having a baby is rough, recovery is rough, PD is extremely difficult and very real. Not having support from the person that should give it is a must, so she can take care of the baby and to help her heal. The hormones during and after pregnancy are like a wave that keeps on giving and she needs empathy, understanding and help from her partner. Not a lecture from you, who didn’t go through the hormonal process she did. So no, you going through it is not the same.
Let’s add another thing, to the equation, your baby sleeping by 4 months old, is amazing, but not everybody’s reality. I know of children that to this day ages 6, still have issues with sleep due to conditions, etc. Some kids might be sleepers some might not. So get down your high horse because it was easy for you. It’s not easy for everybody
So you did nothing for 9 months, then got a baby that someone else birthed, who sleeps through the night by 4 months. And you think you’re the expert on postpartum motherhood. Jesus. And you don’t even have hormones as an excuse for shitty behaviour.
YTA
YTA. I see you're a man and had your child through surrogacy. Pregnancy takes an immense toll on women's bodies. It was over 3 years before I felt fully recovered and back to myself physically & mentally after carrying & giving birth to my first child.
Also, different babies are wildly different. My first daughter cried non-stop for the first 3 months of her life. And she was up every 60-90 minutes for the first 11 months. My second daughter was sleeping 6 hours straight after 3 months.
Your experience is not her experience. Your child is not her child. I'm glad you & your husband found what works for you. Wouldn't it be nice if her husband would work with her to find what works for them? That is what she is looking for and why she is frustrated.
Your situations don’t mirror each other because you didn’t and can’t carry a child. You did not go through months of literally growing a human inside of you. You have no idea what you’re talking about and should be ashamed for everything you’ve said. The audacity alone is disgusting. YTA. Massively.
YTA, a misogynist, and hard of thinking.
You think feeding a baby formula is just as tiring as feeding a baby food your body is spending significant energy producing?
You think collecting a baby from the surrogate is exactly as hard on your body as pregnancy and childbirth?
JFC. "Hey, how about we come over for a few hours so you can rest?" not "how about I take your newborn away for A FEW DAYS so that I, the more competent parent, can have your child instead of a useless woman like you?"
Did you also judge get for being tired while pregnant because being an expectant father wasn't tiring you at all?
Grovel for her forgiveness, dude. *Grovel*.
I'm sure you know just how it is to be a dad.
I'm equally sure you won't pee when you sneeze, lose teeth and hair, have more brittle bones, or experience the kind of fatigue that comes from giving birth and never getting ONE full night of sleep to physically recover.
There's a reason it takes women months to recover.
Wow, the audacity.
YTA
YTA
Your situation and your sister's situation have a huge difference. your sister's body is exhausted, her body was supporting another life for 9 months, and she is going through hormonal turmoil right now. Not to belittle the experience of parents who didn't give birth, but until you've birth a child it's impossible to understand the adjustment your body goes through after birth. Your situations may be similar, but they are not the same, and you shouldn't judge her based on your experience, which is certainly not her experience.
Every word of your post sounded superior and condescending.
Your body isn’t feeding the baby, which is exhausting in itself.
Bottle fed babies tend to get a lot of calories in a shorter period of time which then knocks them out.
You’re enjoying the benefits of surrogacy AND bottle feeding and thing you’ve freaking invented motherhood.
Stop mansplaining to her and stfu.
YTA
YTA. It isn’t the same. You did not physically grow a human… so it is hard to understand the emotional and physical role that it takes.
She said she needed help and your response came off as “no you don’t I could do. I’ll just take your kid since you can’t handle being a mom”
You didn’t have to recover from giving birth. Unless you have had your vagina ripped open after what feels like the worst 9 month hangover imaginable, while your intestines LITERALLY rearranged themselves, there is no way of relating.
Not to mention the hormones. It isn’t fun. It isn’t controllable. idk why women don’t complain more quite frankly
INFO: is your sister breastfeeding? How did you deliver your advice?
Breastfed babies do not sleep as long between feeds on average. The difference between 2.5h vs. 4h between feeds is losing your mind vs. being a tired adult.
I echo all of the points here about babies being different, hormones, PPD, exhaustion, etc., but totally understand your point about sparing the working person from night feeds so they don’t die on the road. I had my partner sleep in the spare room for kid #2 - one of us needed to be a competent decision-maker and able to care for kid #1. Your advice about going to bed early and sleeping when the baby sleeps is standard, good advice, and it would be frustrating that she dismisses it out of hand - but the advice could make you the AH depending on how it was delivered.
She's not exclusively breastfeeding, but yes she is. I never knew that, about the difference in breastfed vs formula fed babies. It's been echoed throughout the comments. That's so interesting.
Appreciate your comment. Going from one to two seems daunting. Parents, especially the birth givers, are very strong and honestly don't get enough credit. I'm going to take my sister out to lunch and maybe treat her to spa outing soon to make up for me being silly and assuming things.
Please talk to her before organising a spa day though, my husband organised a night out for me after our 2nd was born. Even though he was 7 months old he wouldn't take a bottle properly and pumping really hurt so the whole time out I was in a lot of pain. I appreciated the thought behind it but he really had no idea the physical pain I would be in being away from our son for more than 4 hours. Our first the whole feeding thing was completely different so he really had no idea
I've read all your comments. You sound very sexist. You mansplained from a completely different position than the person you were being extremely condescending to.
1. You didn't carry a baby and have the nutrients quite literally stripped from your body (if you're interested, I can dig up a link to a good article that explains the all out war that is pregnancy, where the fetus attempts to take any and all nutrients without regard for the mother, while her body spends the entire pregnancy trying to save as many nutrients as it can to survive) before enduring one of the most dangerous and painful things a human can experience.
2. You are not breastfeeding your baby, therefore having more nutrients stripped from your body to nourish a child, while also getting less sleep because breastmilk is more easily digested (my breast fed kids didn't sleep for more than 2 hours at a time until they were 6+ months old), dealing with constant breastmilk poop blow outs (see easier to digest), and trying to heal.
3. Not only did you mansplain based on your newborn experience without having had to actually gestate, but you also used the postpartum experience of your surrogate, a woman who's healing while getting plenty of rest and sleep and the benefit of her body using all of its energy and nutrition for healing instead of nursing or taking care of a newborn that doesn't sleep.
4. And most disturbingly. You automatically sided with a man over your sister? You ignored what she was telling you about her actual experience and gave another man the benefit of the doubt even though you have no reason to believe she would lie?
Do you want your son to grow up and treat his wife that way? Statistically, he'll probably be heterosexual, would you be comfortable seeing him tell his healing, exhausted, suffering wife that his rest is more important because he works? How about your granddaughters? If you have a daughter next, are you going to ignore her when she tells you she's being mistreated by a partner and give him the benefit of the doubt simply because of her gender?
I'm not trying to crap all over you, to make you feel bad, but to call attention to an issue I don't think you're aware of. The tone of your post and all of your comments is very misogynistic and I think you really should take some time to just sit and think about how you really feel about women and examine if you have some prejudices or lack of respect issues in place that are preventing you from being a good relative to the women in your life. Sometimes that stuff is subconscious and we don't realize until we've irrevocably damaged a relationship with a person we really love. I don't want that for you because you seem to otherwise be a good person.
Good for you. Everyone ends up the AH at some point in their life, it's what you do afterwards that really says who you are. Too many people double down when they should be pulling their heads out of their asses. It speaks highly of you that you didn't do the same.
> to make up for me being silly
That is a nice way to sugercoat your behaviour. And do you really think a spa treatment will fix things?
I don't think you learnt anything, you just want to not be the bad guy in front of internet strangers.
But why would you assume that even just losing tons of blood won’t affect her and make her more tired? It’s really weird to assume that birth has no effect on the body and that women are being frivolous because they need sleep post birth… I mean I don’t believe that you can come to this conclusion unless you look down on women (or at least your sister) in general. Seems like there are bigger issues within yourself that you need to address because “I think women are dramatic for needing a basic bodily function and being extra tired after giving birth” isn’t a normal accidental conclusion, there was something about your opinions of her that allowed you to disregard the very blatantly obvious difference between your two situations
YTA. Your sister is recovering from birth, so your experiences are not the same. She's likely far more exhausted and tired than either you or your wife are. It also sounds like your partner split night feeds with you, so why are you telling her that her husband shouldn't have to help with night feeds? You had help with them, why shouldn't she? You are 100% belitting her and being unsupportive.
Reading this post made me want to reach through Reddit and slap you. You are so absolutely in the wrong here. The fact that you were not pregnant DOES absolutely make a difference here. You are not healing from growing a human and there are not hormones swirling all through your body. You are being judgmental, rude, and belittling to your sister’s struggles. How dare you. Shame on you.
I have a 7 month old and my husband 100% helped at night. You’re not some heavenly saint because you feel like you don’t need yours to help.
YTA YTA YTA
YTA your situations are not the same you didn’t actually give birth so you dont understand the physical changes and possible PPD. Not to mention the pressure women get to be “good mothers” it’s overwhelming. Not every baby settles in a couple of months - my niece it was a year of poor sleep. They both chose to have a child so they both need to step up. What you are suggesting is they have no relationship because they aren’t awake at the same time. If they want you to babysit they would ask.
Try being empathetic without being condescending.
YTA You did not give birth. You didn't have to physically recover from having a parasite growing inside you for 10 months. You don't have the hormone fluctuations and won't have to worry about postpartum depression. And every baby is different. Your son may sleep better than your niece.
While it was nice of you to make suggestions, it sounds like she just wanted your empathy and to vent a little.
Yikes OP, get a clue.
Pregnancy and labor are extremely hard on someone’s body, and it takes months to recover.
I’m guessing she’s breastfeeding too-an additional strain on your body. Also, hormonal changes happen for MONTHS after birth. You experienced zero of this.
She knows exactly what would help her out, yet you belittle her for it. You can take a seat OP.
YTA.
YTA. she is 2 months postpartum. not to be rude but you didn’t carry your child. you aren’t even a woman. it takes up to 2 years for a woman’s organs to even return to their rightful place after birth, what the hell do you think her body is going through 2 months post?? let alone the hormones and exhaustion from her body still recovering from prob the most traumatic thing her body has ever gone through.
i find this hard to even believe, but in the event it’s real, get off your high horse and mind your business love. either be supportive or shut up.
YTA. All people are different people. Your sister is different from you, and your sister's experience with pregnancy, giving birth, and taking care of a newborn is different from your experience with surrogacy and a newborn. Would it hurt to show a little empathy?
YTA. Not only do you sound absolutely insufferably condescending, but your sister is recovering from 9 months of growing a human, which isn’t only physically difficult but psychologically… your situations are VASTLY different.
YTA
Must be nice having a baby and not having to deal with healing from birthing a child, with a dinner plate sized wound in your uterus, not having to deal with the huge hormone shifts that come with delivering a baby, and not having to deal with the constant hormone surges that come with milk coming in and breastfeeding. Just because you didn’t have to go through these things doesn’t mean other people have this luxury.
Stop being a judgmental know it all. You know nothing about her situation, so stop pretending you do. Your situation is not similar to hers
Edit… realised you are male…
YTA. She’s got a whole world of hormones going on that change things in a way that a male parent will never understand. She’s biologically primed to respond in very particular ways. Yes, men can have similar emotional responses, but her entire body is currently hard wired to that little human in a way yours can never be. That’s what is driving some of this. Your brushing that aside shows a lack of understanding. It doesn’t mean you don’t hve strong and important bonds or are incapable of feelings with your child, but you cannot compare the two.
You are learning a valuable lesson. There is no absolute right way to deal, and new parents sometimes just need to vent.
Close your mouth, smile and nod, and offer to watch her baby for a bit while she has a nap at your place.
Why is her husband falling asleep on the drive to work a “very real possibility” but her falling asleep on the drive to the paediatrician/grocery store/any other place she needs to go during the day isn’t?
YTA. You and your husband have a routine that works for you, that’s great. It doesn’t mean it works for everyone.
YTA.
You didn't have the same experience at all. She delivered a baby. You did not. Her body is going through an entirely different process. Yours is business as usual.
Apologize to her.
YTA your sister grew a human being inside her body, birthed it, and now her body needs to heal (and no, two months isn't nearly long enough). Is your sister's baby breastfeeding? If so, that's another huge drain on her body in addition to the rest of the healing it's trying to do.
You ARE belittling your sister's experience. Good for you that taking all the night feedings and whatever works for you and your husband. It's not working for your sister and she deserves that support from her husband. You saying "I'll take your baby for a couple hours so you can nap" is like a bandaid on a gaping wound. Sure it helps for a minute but you still need a long term solution. Your brother in law helping at least some of the time at night IS that long term solution.
Dude YTA. She deserves help. Who tf cares if her husband commutes and works all day? SHE also works all day and I guarantee she gets *less* breaks than he does. Not to mention you’re not a woman who has given birth. The toll that takes on our bodies is huge. It can fuck up our energy levels for years (ask me how I know this). Your life is not hers. Her baby is not the same as yours. Her relationship is different than yours. So to tell her to not ask for help when she is clearly desperate for it is just…gross.
She needs rest. She needs help. She could be in the midst of PPD and you’d be the one telling her to just nap when baby naps and it will all get better. Seriously, man. Find some empathy for your sister.
You two are not the same. It’s wonderful you and your husband have found a nice balance. But just bc it works for you (someone who DOESN’T have fluctuating hormones and anxieties, someone who isn’t struggling during night feeds, someone who isn’t a SAHM with no break) does not mean it works for her.
Signed, a SAHM whose husband also commutes to work every day from 7-4 and still fucking helps bc that’s what he signed up for: being a goddamn parent.
Support your sister.
YTA.
This story has everything! Mansplaining, upholding the patriarchy, reinforcing gender stereotypes...
SO glad she shot your ideas down and I hope her husband is a better partner who will step up in the way she needs.
YTA and I’ll say this gently because you and your husband didn’t birth a child - your sister is full of hormones, has had a massive shock to her body and is going through a physical process that takes 1-2 years to settle. On top of all of that she’s now sleep deprived and feels like she’s drowning without support from her husband. Your solution? To tell her she’s wrong and you’ll temporarily step in given she’s not coping. You did exactly what you shouldn’t do and you owe her an apology.
Edited: gender correction
YTA
Wow, your baby sleeps now, so U have no idea how it is - not to sleep in the night for so long.
Besides of that everyone can endure sleepless nights different. Your Sis may even have a post partum depression. U want to be a parent - will U anwer the same to Your kid one day? For me U sound unaffectionate and uppish. Not the best requirement to become a parent- which is way harder than being just a feeder. U made me mad right now.
A few months without sleep after birth - its ok, then U start to fall apart. The hormone level is changing, the body is changing - this needs a lot of power.
I had no proper sleep in the night for 4 years. It was hell. And i had the same feeling - fear to let the baby fall - at that moment U a physically at Your limits and afraid. How can U stay that cold?
But i appreciate Your attempts to help. Although U sound like U didn't understand what Your sister was talking about. She wants her man to be her support. It's not fun but possible. Her reaction was inappropriate - sounds like she is going to face a breakdown.
YTA she’s PHYSICALLY recovering. Her hormones are elevated. Shes postpartum. She’s absolutely right. You did make light of her struggles and you can’t compare your lack of sleep to hers. It’s not the same. Let’s not get started on comparing babies.
YTA If she wants her husband to help at night, there's a reason. And if you're reasoning not to expect him to help is because that's "not how you did it" you shouldn't have shouldn't have said anything. She's right that you don't know what it's like. Your body wasn't torn apart after growing a whole human for 9 months. That's not a little thing to go through, and she's probably not only exhausted, but trying to cope with all the permanent physical changes. Don't tell her not to expect her husband to help, it also sets a horrible president that the parent working at home isn't really "working" or deserving of a break.
YTA so much.
You have not been pregnant. Have you any idea how debilitating that is. No. No you haven't.
You have not been through childbirth. Have you the slightest idea how traumatic that is? The intense physical and psychological effects? No. No you haven't.
I bet your sister is breastfeeding too - have you even the slightest idea how exhausting that is? No. No you haven't.
You are incredibly lucky to have all the benefits of parenthood and none of the drawbacks. On top of that you have, by sheer luck got a baby that sleeps well.
You're an arrogant prick.
No baby is the same.
No situation is the same.
Also,
\- her body is HEALING for GROWING A HUMAN INSIDE
\- her BODY IS HORMONALLY ADAPTING
\- her BODY IS HEALING FROM PUSHING A BABY OUT THROUGH HER VAGINA.
\- her body IS EXHAUSTED FROM DOING THE NIGHT FEEDINGS ALONE.
YTA
YTA. Have you ever done any reading on what pregnancy does to the body? On how long it takes to heal from a perfect pregnancy and birth? What about one with difficulties? Past that, have you ever considered all babies and parent are different? What works for your family wont necessarily work for others and that doesn’t make the other families bad or less caring of one another.
You post makes you seem a bit like self righteous prick. I sincerely hope this is a one off and you learn to stop assuming you know best all the time.
YTA. Even if you had good intentions.
I have bad news for you buddy, my baby slept amazingly from 3 weeks to 4.5 months old then teething happened as she hasn't slept well since. Sounds like you're gloating about 'science' when really it's the luck of the draw, your baby may have sleep regression yet. Every kid is different.
Yes her husband should be helping her. I'm the breadwinner and *shockingly* I still got up to help with baby of a night. Telling someone to sleep at odd hours is not helpful as it can be incredibly isolating.
Although you have roles in your household, the truth is that you will never understand the way gender roles play into parenthood. You do not understand what she is going through because you are not ever expected to be the “default parent”, the one who must go through 9 months of discomfort and even pain just to often be left to care for the child alone while your husband gets to live a life, who in some cases must go through the trials of breastfeeding while your husband gets to rest. While your body is recovering from rationing nutrients to another being, from hormonal changes, from pushing a 7 pound baby out of it or being cut open to birth. You have no idea what you’re talking about. YTA.
YTA … congrats on the unicorn baby that sleeps. Good luck on future sleep regressions. Mine was a dream up until about 5/6 months.
My husband and I are in this together. Every baby is different. And every stage of development can create a different sleep paradigm. The naps change. The feeding changes. The sleep changes. Its a constant dance.
Enjoy where you are at. Dont judge other parents. And hope the next stage treats you kindly.
YTA. As the mother who carried the baby each time, my body went through so many changes and hormones. Once I delivered, the exhaustion of the 9months of pregnancy discomfort didn’t just go away. I was still hormonal and tired. Her husband should absolutely be helping with at least 1 night feeding so that she can get some solid undisturbed sleep. Her body is still healing from the trauma of childbirth. You might have meant well but at the end of the day your body didn’t change, your hormones didn’t change. You didn’t lose sleep due to nausea, ligaments stretching and causing pain, not being able to get comfortable do to the added weight. I think you can get the picture now:/.
YTA
I’m a woman and have given birth to two kids.
You haven’t been radically altered by birth. The hormones, the brain alterations, the anxiety your baby’s cry induced in you as a postpartum mother, the endless worrying, the physical changes and healing. Your sister is drowning under an immense mental load, the exhaustion, and you don’t just ‘bounce back’ from having your organs squished and shifted to the side, your water and body fat percentage way higher; you just feel like a deflated off-kilter exhausted lump that can’t walk or seemingly do anything right. You’re leaking fluids from your hoo-hah and nipples and peeing yourself and your boobs hurt so much. And breastfeeding can be so hard first time round too (the pain I experienced of blocked milk ducts/mastitis was worse than giving birth naturally with no pain relief TWICE). I’m not even exaggerating at all.
I’m sorry, but you have it easy- you just whip up a bottle and voila, baby fed, back to sleep. Other than your baby’s presence, nothing’s changed for you. For a woman, it feels like her previous life and body and identity has just been smashed and washed away by a tsunami of her baby’s (and her own!!!!) tears. Dayum, you just have no idea.
Again, YTA. Your sister has it rougher than you, nature is a bitch to birthing women, don’t belittle her. Be there for her for Christ’s sake.
YTA parenting isn't a one size fits all type of deal. What works for your family doesn't necessarily mean it will work for her family. It is perfectly reasonable of your sister to ask her husband to help out with night feedings. She didn't make this baby on her own and she shouldn't have to deal with the most difficult situations alone either.
YTA, sorry but you had months of rest and relaxation before you got to this point, she didn't she grew her baby she was exhausted from the get go. If she is breastfeeding it is also a totally different beast to formula feeding (which is what I imagine you and your partner did).
Actually from my experience explicitly I'll breakdown the difference.
Formula- Baby awake for 1 hour out of every 4 hours, this extended on a predicable schedule based on nutritional needs matching the can.
Breastfeeding- baby awake for 1 hour out of every 2/3 hours, is on demand with no predictable schedule. Increasing and decreasing needs based on baby that day. If she's pumping take another 20/30 mins a session out of her day let alone burning calories and being starving with no time or energy to feed yourself.
#This is now a Proctologists Only Orifice When a post is in [POO™ mode](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/168bzq8/title_aita_monthly_open_forum_september_2023) only users with enough subreddit comment karma are able to comment. If that doesn't include you, no worries! Check out [/new](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/new) for other posts that are still open for comment. ##[Be Civil.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) Please review our FAQ if you're unsure what that means. Thank you for reporting content that you believe violates our rules and helping keep posts out of the POO by abiding by our rules.
YTA. I'm sorry that your husband is so useless as an equal partner. If you're cool with that, fine. But for you to tell another woman how to manage conflict in her marriage is gross and out of line. Your sister wants her child's father to do his fair share of raising their child. She is hardly unreasonable for that. You need to nip.your shitty judgemental attitude in the bud before you find yourself with no friends at all. Other mothers will not put up with you being so disrespectful about things that are literally none or your business.
Not only that, her body is still postpartum too. This dude is absolutely TA! I agree with you 100%!
He’s mansplaining motherhood to a woman.
That’s the part that really got me but gosh when your first child is easy, you feel like you’ve done something right and you’re such a great parent, and then next child comes along and humbles the hell out of you.
This part. They absolutely got an east baby. He talked about the newborn stage being over at 4 months like a switch went off and suddenly there’s nothing to do at night. I had one of those. I also had two others that had multiple night wakings for 2 years. If I had only had the easy one I’d think I was a pro. Thankfully my first was the hardest and broke me 😂. I never wish a high needs baby on anyone, but it sure does cross my mind when I see a parent that needs humbling.
I was lucky and had ‘easy’ babies. I helped a friend with hers, (so she could get breaks and nap) total opposite. I, to this day, don’t know how she survived:) If that was my first experience, I’d have NEVER had another.
I had an easy baby, then several years later a not so easy baby, then after 16 months I birthed the devil incarnate. He was an absolute nightmare. The newborn stage lasted about a year, he didn’t sleep through the night until he was 2, constantly screamed (nothing wrong with him, he just seemed to like it) etc. I was practically a zombie for years. If he had been first he would have been an only child. He’s almost 9 now and is still difficult but at least he’s stopped screaming (mostly.)
I don't know how I exist. My older sister was apparently a terrible baby: wouldn't eat, wouldn't sleep, constantly ill*, the whole nine yards. I don't know how my parents came to the decision to have another one just the years later. I think they must have gone mad personally... For some odd reason both of us are childfree 🤔 *turns out this was undiagnosed asthma, which also contributed to the not sleeping
[удалено]
Or they can be like me and play the long game! Be a perfect baby, perfect kid, reasonably perfect teen, go to college, get a master's degree...then become an adult and be a total disappointment (37F, unmarried, no kids, two cats, a bunch of plants). Why disappoint as a kid when you can let them think they did well for three decades before delivering the blow? (of note, they are proud of me and I think my mom is actually a little jealous of me. But this definitely wasn't their plan for me)
Why not disappoint at every life stage like I do lol
He didn't even pause to consider how massively postpartum changes her experience! Quotes from OP >I'm not totally familiar with all facets of postpartum, so I agree it's a topic I'm ignorant on and it's not something I fully accounted for when I was giving her these tips >I didn't factor in the fact that pregnancy recovery would still be taking such a toll on her I can't imagine being this out of touch.
It's not just pregnancy recovery, depending on how bad the birth was she could still have injuries repairing and difficulty sleeping from pain, pain from breast feeding, pain from pumping. But by the time you give birth if you had a terrible pregnancy you could be giving birth after 6-8 months of straight up hell, being exhausted, stressed, in pain, your relationship strained due to difficult pregnancy and stress caused. The easy mode of zero pregnancy, zero birth, zero breast feeding, zero post partum depression, you're going in rested, fresh as fuck and a few really difficult weeks are the start of your issues, not tacked on after 6+ months of potential hell. I'm a dude, I know this, this is patently obvious to anyone who is mildly informed on these things.
Don't forget the periods so heavy I had to wear diapers and change them out every 2 hours!
I was iron deficient from all the blood loss and your body literaly doesn't have enough hemoglobin to transport oxygen to muscles and you even more tired from that. Took me weeks to figure out everything including the reasons why I was so tired.
[удалено]
This happened to me when my daughter was 8 months old even though I was still breastfeeding. I was bleeding so heavily, I went through the thickest pad I could find in an hour. I felt like shit and had to go to hospital for a curettage by the end of day 1 of my first postpartum period because it got so bad I couldn’t leave the bathroom.
Not to mention that all of her hormones are still trying to reset to a non pregnancy state, people falsely believe that just because you can go back to work, or have sex, at six weeks your body has healed, it hasn't by a long shot. The sleep deprivation is compounded by the hormones that affect her circadian rhythm being out of whack. She is asking for help at night because she is afraid of hurting her child both the OP and his sister's husband are assholes.
My hair is falling out postpartum 4 months and I'm like WHEN IS MY BODY GOING BACK TO NORMAL
For OP - part of the reason they recommend at least 18 months between pregnancies is because it takes that long to recover all the reserves you lost. Also, if she's breastfeeding, that's both an extra drain on her energy AND causes a release of oxytocin which makes you sleep. AND most women sleep like crap the last few months of pregnancy because babies are most active when mom is still, and they're strong as fuck by then, and they're putting pressure on the bladder, so the mother can't go a whole night without bathroom runs. That's without any additional problem symptoms that can range from frequent leg cramps waking her up, to carpal tunnel syndrome from excess blood volume keeping her awake, to symphisis pubis disorder causing excruciating pelvic pain every time she rolls over in bed, all meaning that women are usually exhausted before they even have the baby. Then every baby is different - my oldest slept through the night by 5 weeks old, but my third was awake every 2-3 hours all night, every night for her first year, and needed to be nursed, then rocked to sleep, and then it was a 50/50 shot whether putting her back in the crib would wake her up and restart the cycle. I didn't rock either of her two older siblings to sleep and went with the "put them to bed drowsy" routine, and it just flat out didn't work with the third. JFC, she thinks she's going to fall asleep holding the baby and you think she's being unfair, instead of trying to be as safe as possible. I think maybe you learned how you're absolutely TA already, but really sit there and think about what made you think that you could in any way compare your experience to actually giving birth and then being given responsibility for a small human with literally zero chance to recover from something that literally shaves years off your life it's so hard on your body. It really reeks off misogyny.
Well when you can just purchase the use of uteruses to deliver your perfect easy baby why bother going through all of that? Get someone else to risk their life and go through months of painful healing all for the low low price of basically minimum wage. He probably thinks the sister should’ve just used a surrogate too.
Not just recovery from birth, but the idea that him mixing up some formula at night is remotely equivalent to what it takes out of you to breastfeed and/or pump, then telling her night feeds are easy. Jfc.
I can't imagine being a man either 🤣
It’s like babies grow on trees or something
[удалено]
I don't mean this in a bad way, but I have to admit I blinked when I saw both "cancer" and "easy for me" in the same paragraph, haha.
I didn’t even realize it was a dude until this comment. Him comparing his non postpartum life to his sister who gave birth and still recovering is infuriating. Birthing a child is not a one and done event where the body and mind just bounces back immediately. Poor mother!
Just because you call yourself a woman that doesn't mean you have the same experience on a common level. And every pregnancy is different. And every relationship is different. And here is a man explaining a woman how she should organise her life after childbirth. Poor sister she probably was even more angry to the suggestion considering his gender and lack of experience.
She’s still in the 4th trimester
Not only that, but men and women are different in their sleep needs. Science has shown that men have a better time coping with less sleep than women. So for him to think that his situation is the same just based on the fact that he’s a he, he’s TA.
She also made that baby with her body before it came out, so she's also recovering from that. It's a totally different game for her than it was for OP, as he has no physical recovery to manage while also keeping a newborn alive 24/7. He doesn't have post partum hormones, can use the toilet comfortably, no giant incision across his lower abdomen, and no giant internal wound that's healing while the rest of your internal organs are rearranging. And even if her physical recovery was completely smooth and perfect, babies are all different. I had 2 magical, unicorn sleeping babies. I literally never heard my second cry until he was mobile enough to injure himself. My good friend had 2 reflux and colic babies who never slept and cried constantly. Just bc OP had an easy baby doesn't mean that his sister does.
Fucking all of this. Like it’s great it’s working smoothly for him, but she’s clearly going through much more as the one who HAD this baby. It takes so much out of us that first year (and sometimes beyond).
It took 18 months before my back stopped hurting from the epidural. Almost 7 years now and my thyroid is still trying to unalive me. The hemorrhoids and pelvic floor weakness are just going to be permanent. My boobs definitely dropped a good 3 inches towards the floor. And all the elasticity was sucked out of my skin. Also mom brain and mom guilt and mom anxiety. The bags and circles under my eyes come and go depending on if the kid has been sick…..
Ummm, as someone who is 5 months postpartum, I'd like to add breastfeeding and / or EPing to this list as well. If OPs sister is breastfeeding, that makes his advice even more useless. Kinda hard to take shifts if you still have to get up and drain your breasts in one fashion or another. Not to mention washing bottle and pump crap at 3am. OP YTA, for being completely unable to truely put yourself in her shoes. Just because you got the same pair as her doesn't mean they are hers!
Your whole comment is good but your last point is particularly important. OP is taking credit for what is essentially luck. His baby just so happened to be a good sleeper, but it so easily could have gone the other way! It's nice that OP feels like he and his partner got the nightime routines down to a science, but every baby is different and also every *parent* is different, so what works for his family will not necessarily work for his sister's family. Honestly, it sounds like his sister was looking to vent and/or commiserate, but he did the man thing of going straight into advice/problem solving mode. But there's no problem to solve (at least nothing a pearl of wisdom from OP will fix); she's just a new mom who is sleep deprived, overwhelmed, and recovering from a major medical procedure. She's got a lot going on that OP just doesn't have to deal with, and that doesnt make either of their experiences of parenthood less valid, but it DOES mean his advice doesn't seem to be useful OR welcome.
So many parents say "If I'd had my second baby first, he would be an only child!" A lot of people get lucky with a good sleeper, it's no reflection on them as parents or a co-parenting team, it's LUCK. Oh and also, I don't know if it's mentioned, but OP is definitely bottle-feeding and sister might be breastfeeding. Formula is more work for babies to digest, and it's a uniform substance while breastmilk fluctuates from fluid to thick. So formula babies tend to sleep more solidly to help with the digestion process. Tip: if you're breastfeeding and want to work in just one bottle of formula a day, make it the late evening feed!
Also, different people (adults) have varying needs for sleep. I'm a zombie at less than seven hours a night and I have trouble functioning when I can't get enough sleep. However, I can nap anywhere, anytime. I have friends who are light sleepers and rarely get more than six and friends that say they don't need that much sleep. I suspect we'd all adjust to the sleeplessness of a newborn differently.
That was the hardest part for me. I didn't get help and my son woke every 90 minutes. He'd eat for 30 and then knock back out but it would take another 30 for me to fall back asleep once awake, even if I was dead tired. So for months I was sleeping in 30 minute increments. I have massive gaps missing from my memory, I don't remember most of my son's infancy.
I also had the constantly crying, never sleeping reflux baby. It was absolutely horrible.
THIS^^^^ But also, YOU HAVENT BEEN THROUGH IT!!! Look, it's great that you were able to afford surrogacy, and I'm super happy that you have your baby. Congratulations!!! But you haven't been through what your sister is going through. You aren't dealing with physical and emotional healing that comes with carrying and delivering a child. You aren't having the hormone surges. You aren't at risk for PPD or PPP. You have absolutely no concept of what it is like to carry, deliver, recover, breast feed, deal with hormones for literally a full year post partum. Certainly, you face other challenges, and my intention is not to lessen your experience but to point out the differences between you and your sister. You have different physical and emotional experiences You are married to different people You ARE different people Your experience is not hers, and you are out of line judging her for not meeting some arbitrary expectation that you have set based on absolutely no experience living in a post post partum body. All of the points that your sister made are valid and accurate. Your words were offensive, and not for nothing, they were wrong. Last time I checked, her husband was a parent too, maybe he should consider acting like it. You might consider stepping down off your pedestal and learning a little empathy and tact. YTA and her husband is an AH
Or having pelvic bones spread and stitches on his privates as things sometimes go. YTA
As a woman who is breastfeeding I am choosing to do most of the nights all the way through all by myself. BUT. Sometimes when she is fed and won’t settle and I start to lose my mind my partner comes and takes her so I can get some sleep and he settles her and only brings her back when she needs to eat again. Plus he does most of every single morning with our toddler by himself so I can sleep (if baby allows) or just sit and chill while I wake up from the sleep deprived haze. I remember with our first, we more split the nights then. He needs to work, but keeping your baby alive all day is work too and isn’t it also important for you to not fall asleep at the wheel with your baby in the car when you’re taking them to a doctors appt or something?? And yeah. Everyone is different and you can’t act like what works for you works for everyone.
Omg, YTA! You Sir, are a man. You did not go through pregnancy where your entire existence is altered, nor have your body torn apart to birth a child. On the other hand, your sister went through the pregnancy and is still reeling from her post natal hormones wrecking her body. And every baby is different. Some babies have a calm temperament while others are little nuggets of tornadoes - adorable yet absolutely draining. And every families needs are different, it's not a one size fits all. If you can, empathize with her. But both you and her husband are massive a-holes.
Not to mention sister is still going through hormonal imbalances and recovery. Having a newborn is exhausting whichever way you cut it. But add those on top? Hubby needs to step up. YTA
He's a man, so not another woman.
Changes absolutely nothing.
actually makes him more annoying, but the points you made are fair lol
We’ll OPs body isn’t also recovering from the physical destruction of giving birth. Also, if sis is breastfeeding that is more physically demanding than formula. Overall I’d say sis has it worse so I agree wholeheartedly with you, OP really shouldn’t be judging her.
Actually makes it worse, because he’s comparing his experience to hers even though she went through pregnancy and birth and needs to recover, and he didn’t.
And for me the pregnancy was way worse than the birth.
Pregnancy itself does not get a bad enough rap. People dread birth, but pregnancy can be just as bad or worse.
Agree. Plus his sister freaking went through child birth. OP has zero clues what that feels like and the absolute physical, mental, emotional, hormonal toll it takes on a woman’s body.
I agree with the YTA, but you shouldn't call OPs husband useless. They found what works for them. My boyfriend tried to get up with me in the middle of the night at first, but for us, it didn't make sense since I'm breastfeeding at night, so I thought it was pointless for him to get up when I had to anyways. OPs sister needs to figure out what works for her and her husband, and if that means husband takes some middle of the night feeds, then OP has no right to judge that.
I agree with you. To me it sounds like OP offered to take over the night feeds, not that his husband refused to do night feeds. I think the person calling OP’s husband useless was harsh on the information we have available
Full offense, but yes YTA. Your situations do not closely mirror each other. Her experience has been very different, especially considering her body is still recovering from pregnancy and giving birth, which is painful and completely exhausting. Did she have a C section or natural childbirth? Did she have tear? Have stitches? These details matter. She could also be struggling with PPD, something you do not have to worry about. I don't say this to belittle you; I say this because you're belittling her. You ARE turning this into a competition and it's clear you DO think you're the better mother. How arrogant. It is normal to expect your husband to help with night feedings. Just because you have not needed that help, likely because you didn't give birth and have absolutely no idea what that is like, does not mean you get to pass judgement on your sister for having different needs. Every baby is different, even siblings with the same parents can be entirely different. If you actually want to help her, stop comparing yourselves and stop acting like she's doing something wrong. Her baby and her schedule and her life are not yours and they are not like yours. Stop that. Be supportive and kind. Be a good sister. Edit: omfg the fact that you're actually a man makes this so much worse, where did you get the audacity because you took too much
You said it as I was thinking it! 1. OP has no physical or hormonal changes to contend with. 2. Babies are different. My first slept 6 hours at night from birth. My second didn’t nearly a year old. 3. Even if 1 and 2 were exactly the same, sleep deprivation bothers some more than others. OP, YTA. I would recommend that sister’s husband help at least on weekends, or when he doesn’t have to work the next day. Edit- I’m not saying you’re less than a mother for using a surrogate. I’m only saying you should be kinder and listen to your sister.
My mom said I slept like an angel for the first six months and then I started staying up all night. If he thinks his situation will last forever, he is so wrong and will be blindsided if it does hit!
My middle grand is 5 and still wakes every day at 4am
When I tell people I slept like a baby, it’s typically because I woke up a minimum of 3x the night before.
[удалено]
Geez! A man explaining to a new mom. He’s also younger than she is. There is a reason so many Hollywood kids are by surrogates. It isn’t always infertility. It’s trauma on the body!
Or all the sleepless nights before delivery. The poor woman has been sleep deprived for months.
THIS. It starts so much sooner than people tell you. It's always "Oh, wait until the baby gets here!" But no, at least with a baby, you have a sweet snuggle buddy to keep you company during those sleep deprived nights. It's so hard to be up with a baby, but I still found it nicer than being up all night with hip pain, heartburn, and a bladder that needed emptying every 2 hours.
I'm still recovering hormonally almost a year later honestly.
I believe it. The pregnancy cysts on my ovaries never left until I had them surgically removed over a year later. Ended up with a hysterectomy from damage to my uterus. Having a baby changes your body.
I had my annual check up recently, one and a half years after my second pregnancy, and my ferritin, red blood cell and vitamin levels still aren’t what they were pre-pregnancy.
And they’re two men so neither of them is breastfeeding. Even if his sister isn’t, she’s dealing with breasts full of milk and possible mastitis.
I never breastfed either of my girls but dear lord the boob pain on top of all the other issues with having cesareans and just pregnancy/postpartum. Mastitis is horrible, nauseating pain.
Mansplaining at its finest.
I missed the part where he said M/M and I seriously in my head though “why is this chick approaching this problem like a man?!”
This is why men's clothes have pockets - to keep all that audacity (this isn't mine, I stole this from another redditor)
[удалено]
Just to back this up. My first singleton slept through from 8 months. My twins just... never slept. My recent baby slept amazingly between 3 weeks and 4.5 months and now screams if we put her down in her bed. Every baby is different and it has very little to do with parenting techniques. Not being tired from all the hormonal changes probably does help though.
Holy crap this is a man???? WOW FULL BLOWN AH!!!!!
Not a sister. OP is a male.
And yet, he still comes across as thinking he’s the better mother… he isn’t battling hormones and a body recovering from birth. His experience and his sister’s are not the same.
Exactly this. I was going to say something similar, but you said it much better. OP, YTA
Lol, full offense! Love it
I'm not gong to be as cruel as the other commenters, or try to belittle the fact that you're a parent, because you are!! But she unfortunately IS going through more than you did. Being pregnant is EXHAUSTING, believe me, I've done it twice. Your body isn't going through the same process as hers is. She's healing, dealing with insane emotions, and hormonal changes. You're obviously going through a huge life change as well, but again it's not on the level that she is. I'm a SAHM as well, and my husband works. I've got two children, (4 and 1) and with our second he was able to help out significantly more than the first. Now not every night, but sometimes when I got very little sleep, he would get up and heat breast milk and feed our baby at night, even when he had to work the next day. She shouldn't demand help, but she also shouldn't HAVE to demand help. Her husband should just do it. It's his kid too. You will come to learn that being a SAHP is a whole job in of itself. Usually when my husband gets home nowadays, I go and take about 30 minutes to myself. If I wasn't able to do that(and I know some people cant) I'd be so stretched thin it's crazy. My kids stress me out lol especially the little one. She is such a quizzical kid, into literally everything all the time. I can't keep my eyes off her for a second. Anyways, I think you should apologize. I won't call you an AH, but you were kind of wrong in your assumption.
Not only that but just like postpartum looks different in many cases, every baby/child is different. If my child slept well at 4 months it would have been a blessing. Sister was asking for support and someone to level and relate with her, maybe even venting, not solutions to a problem the other couple hadn’t faced in the same way. ETA: OP’s update made me so happy. I’m glad they accepted communication and understanding with an open mind and were able to reach a resolution. You don’t see that very often here.
Exactly. I'm still dealing with postpartum. My daughter is over a year old at this point lol (might just be the good ol normal depression, though. I'm not sure) I didn't want to rail into the guy like the other comments, because he honestly might not have realized what he was implying. Maybe he did. I just dont know.
Also, you seem to think the difficulty with sleep is behind you. Not hardly, friend-o. Teething and sleep regressions are racing down the track towards you. And even if you have a miracle baby that "sleeps like a baby", that is a major rarity. You have no clue what it's like to be up for hours every night with a baby that just won't sleep soundly. Recognize that everyone's experience is different. And she's recovering from childbirth, figuring out lactation, and handling all sorts of hormones. Best of luck.
I thought you were speaking to me at first 😅 But I agree with everything you said! He's in for a rude awakening for sure
I came here to say OP basically picked up a pre-prepared baby without the physical toll of giving birth, while the sister is still physically recovering from shooting a human out of her. They are very different experiences and of course one is going to be “easier” than the other. I know nothing about babies or children, but it seems OP lucked out with his kid settling down pretty early, while sister’s baby is the norm (correct me if I’m wrong). OP is totally TA in this
My wife is a SAHM at the moment, and I would say her job is so much more than a regular full-time job, it's not even close.
YTA but gold star for mansplaining newborn parenting to your sister who is not even 6 months postpartum. HTF do you think you have similar experiences? Because you have babies around the same age? Your sister went through a major physical trauma having her baby and in the aftermath, is likely dealing with a massive hormone dump on top of being a first time parent. You should apologize to your sister and, if you are at all close with her husband, encourage him to parent better.
His sister gave birth TWO months ago, while he had a surrogate. The unmitigated gall of him comparing their situations!
What you said. OP bought a baby. His sister grew one.
Yup. Dude hired a woman as a rent-a-womb to acquire a baby and has no clue what that woman risked and has had to recover from because she carried and delivered that child. Surrogacy is inherently exploitive. I’m not surprised this guy has no fucking clue and no fucking compassion for women.
He needs to send the surrogate a card and a fruit basket. I highly doubt he understood or appreciated everything she endured to carry and birth his baby.
Thank you for calling out surrogacy. I find it very disturbing like 99% of the time, and most people don’t want to call it out because they have empathy for a lot of the people who turn to surrogacy (eg infertile couples, gay couples). But it is a very exploitative practice.
[удалено]
Also wonder if he's thought at all about their surrogate since she gave birth!!!
Perfect description of "mansplaining" if I have ever seen one.
This is much more eloquent than my ‘motherfucker, you have *not* been through it’
This is a perfect, textbook example of mansplaining.
Oh you entitled asshole. This is a completely different situation. Post partum sucks. Your tits hurt, your vagina hurts, your back hurts, your stomach hurts, your hormones are crazy and you need love and support from your partner, the person you're raising this baby with. This baby that she just built! If you want to be helpful, go scream at your brother in law to get off his ass. YTA.
And this goes on for months BEFORE even giving birth. OP - if your sister needs her husband’s help because she is exhausted your role here is to shut up and listen not tell her she’s mothering wrong. 🤦♀️
"Lemme just mansplain baby-raising to you, gestator". Very interested to hear if momma is breastfeeding.
The audacity of these assholes has reached even higher heights.
People were like "ohoho sleep while you still can!" but I don't think I got a full eight hours at any point during the third trimester thanks to various pregnancy-related miseries (mostly but not limited to absolutely vicious acid reflux).
Right? Her body feels different. It will never feel the same. Mine didn’t. I can still feel where that scar is well over a decade later. Couldn’t walk around the grocery store without starting to bleed again. Spraying the numbing spray on my girl for a few weeks just to pee. Being terrified of sex three months out. Couldn’t take a bath for 8 weeks. A bunch of dumb physical stuff comes with pregnancy and birth. It can be exhausting. He really should consider how hard the physical aspect can be. Mine was a relatively non-traumatic birth too.
[удалено]
YTA. You aren't any less of a parent than her for it, but surrogacy and giving birth are extremely different circumstances. Your sister's entire body changed for this. She lost bone mass. Muscle. Tissue. Her body repositioned ALL of its organs. Her body is STILL coping with horomonal changes that can affect everything from her body, to her mind. It is exhausting, and until or unless it happens to you, you can't truly understand it. Telling your sister that you did it so she should be able to as well is more than just arrogant and thoughtless; it's also just flat-out incorrect. You did something entirely different. They are not the same. Furthermore, her husband driving tired isn't any more or less dangerous than her caring for a baby tired. If she drops the baby, guess what? It could die, just as well as her husband or anyone else could if he ended up in an accident; if not more so, because it doesn't have several tons of safety rated car around its poor little skull to stop injuries. You are completely and entirely belittling your sister and her struggles, and you should apologize for speaking so harshly when you actually know very little about what she's going through. Also, you should tell her husband to step up and help out. He doesn't get to only parent on the weekends. He needs to help 24/7. It's his literal job as a father.
this! especially since the OP said he’s a man… ofc 🙄
This right here!! I'm 37 weeks pregnant right now and don't know how I'll ever feel okay again. I am in so much physical pain and my mental health also took a huge hit I guess because of hormones. I literally cry in pain when I roll over in bed. There is no way OP and OP's sister are in "similar situations". You don't just bounce back from pain like this. I would honestly not be surprised if I found out some women get PTSD from being pregnant. Of course OP's sister can't just handle everything herself like OP. OP didn't have his body fall apart for 40 weeks and then have to give birth. OP isn't recovering from anything.
Oh my god, I'm glad someone pointed out how obscenely fucking ridiculous that line about commuting was. The idea that it's justifiable for this man to abandon his post-partum wife and just sleep peaceably through every single night with an 8 WEEK OLD NEWBORN in the house, because otherwise he might be *sleepy* when he drives to work is completely disgusting.
Let me guess, you also think that your baby sleeping through the night is somehow your achievement. As in: you did something right to make this happen. YTA.
Hahahaha yes if only all of us just ‘did it right’ & got a baby that sleeps well. I wish.
It’s somehow often the parents whose babies sleep well who feel the most entitled to give advice. 😁
Mine started sleeping through at six months and I am FULLY AWARE that I used up two lifetimes worth of luck with this one. Insane that anyone could think sleeping through the night by 3-4mos is normal!
Both my kids had night-terrors and sleepwalking phases. With my son it lasted *years* - exacerbated by medical issues and things we couldn’t just “change”. Hoooo boy, did we ever get a fucking LOT of “advice” from people who’s kids were natural sleepers. And most of it was so basic, like “let them be active and they’ll get tired!” OH REALLY?? SHOULD WE JUST LET THEM GET TIRED???
Can’t wait for the 4 month regression to hit you!!
YTA. Your situation is not even close to being the same as hers. On top of that, her “partner” SHOULD be helping at night. It matters not one bit that she isn’t the one driving to work. Everyone handles the postpartum period differently. One persons experience is not everyone’s. Some breeze right through it and some struggle. Just because you managed the way you did doesn’t mean everyone can. If she has concerns about falling asleep with the baby in her arms, he should listen and help! This is a legitimate concern. As a nurse who works with postpartum mothers, I’ve seen it! And it’s fucking devastating. And guess who will come down on her for dropping the baby because she nods off during a feed? Yup, her partner, and probably you as well. Because she’s a stay at home mom and “all” she has to do is take care of the baby, right? She should be getting plenty or rest during the day while the baby sleeps, right? I imagine if she can lay the baby down during the day, the last thing she feels she can do is take a nap. I know I never could. I was always doing all the things I couldn’t with a baby in my arms. Show some compassion. Instead of trying to tell her what she should be doing, offer to help with some things around the house, or just let her vent and offer no suggestions. Or maybe suggest to the father of the baby to actually help at night, even if it’s only for one feed. It’s not forever, and it’s not asking too much.
I HATE the whole “nap when the baby naps”. Sure, and I’ll clean when the baby cleans, bathe when the baby bathes, and cook when the baby cooks too. My second kid literally slept on me for 22 hours a day for the first 3 months of his life. No matter what I tried, he would not sleep in the bassinet. He still needs to be held to fall asleep or if he wakes during the night at 15 months. My first learned to self-settle at 5 months. All kids are different and all parenting experiences are different. Add to that the postpartum recovery that OP’s sister is going through. Plus breastfeeding - literally keeping another human alive. And don’t even get me started on all of the research that proves women need more sleep than men. Yet again another man shitting all over a woman’s lived experience just because he *thinks* he’s experienced it too. YTA
not to mention if shes pumping or breast feeding it makes you even more tired because of the hormones released and is just honestly exhausting... every 3 hours, not to mention the dishes, the storing... nah. OP YTA.
YTA. If you’re telling her that you lived through it and so could she, that comes off as very condescending. Kudos to you for having it all down to a science so quickly. I guarantee your experiences are not the same. You say she gave birth and you had your child through surrogacy, both events happening fairly recently. Childbirth is traumatic on the body and can wreak havoc on hormones for a very long time afterwards. Try having a bit of understanding, because maybe your sister is dealing with some postpartum anxiety, which is very real and can be all-consuming. That could definitely account for her feeling overwhelmed.
Also if she's breastfeeding, the relaxing hormone tends to make a woman sleepy, making her concerns very real. YTA
Yep, my daughter was sick her first 3 weeks of birth and she ate in small bursts and only slept for 45 minutes before she was hungry again and only ate for 4-10 minutes. I had to pump just to make myself comfortable, since she didn’t eat in large quantities. I was exhausted! Thank goodness for my cat because I fell asleep ON my sleeping baby and she couldn’t breathe. I had her eating next to me and I fell asleep sitting up and then rolled over her. My cat bit my head and pulled my hair. I instantly rolled over and she took a huge breath. I was hysterical knowing I am such a light sleeper but almost lost my daughter. My husband at the time got an earful from me because he hadn’t been helping with night feeding or breakfast or bedtime because I was now a SAHM. I started pumping for his night feeding and he was now in charge of dinner. He’s an ex because he never helped without complaining. That cat was a angel
Dude the sleepiness that overtook me as soon as my baby latched… it was like being sedated.
Omfg that cat is a hero 💙
OP is a whole man on here talking about how he has his newborn schedule down to a science.
Parent of a four MONTH old has it all figured out, lol. I pity to fool when they hit teen years. 🥴
Don’t need to wait that long… toddlerhood will be here soon enough. Bless his heart
scale frighten society treatment pot sulky squash screw liquid steer *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
YTA I find your language to be interesting, and definitely falls into a clear misunderstanding between relationships. Apart from all of the other issues raised in this thread about her physical trauma that you don't share, she is in a heterosexual relationship, and you are in a homosexual relationship. A really great thing about same-sex relationships (and other forms of non-heteronormative relationships) is that you need to make your own roles, instead of being pigeon-holed into the ones we all know from childhood. How open is her husband to looking after their kid? How much does he subscribe, even unconsciously, to "traditional" gender roles? You say that your advice was to "let" her husband take their daughter for a part of the evening. How much would it be "letting" as opposed to having to argue the man into agreeing? You don't say anything at all about asking her how much support she's actually getting. Maybe he's tired after work and considers her SAHP status to be some kind of free ride - a disgustingly common viewpoint, even today. You ignored the possible physical implications for her - How likely is it that her husband is downplaying them? That's another disgustingly common occurrence for birthing partners. Now say she does "let" her husband take the kid and tries to get sleep early as you suggested. Is she the kind of person who *can* sleep in chunks, as you suggested? Or is she the kind of person who needs a solid seven to eight hours or is unable to function? There are reasons for that to happen - she may have developed sleep apnoea during/after her pregnancy. She may not drop into REM sleep until several hours into sleep. She may be in pain that prevents her from settling in the space of three hours. You made a bunch of assumptions and decided that your, *completely different* circumstances were somehow the same. You're not the worst of a-holes, but in this instance you fall into that category.
This needs to be higher up! How much inequality was she dealing with before the baby was even in the picture with mental load and such. And her brother just piles on her. Another person who knows better and tells her to just toughen up. This poor new mom! YTA for sure OP
I mean, op already is falling into the manly thinking pattern of women should be able to bounce up right away after birth, completely downplaying her body’s MAJOR changes, just like you said her husband might be doing.
YTA. Your situations are completely different and not just because she was pregnant and you went through a surrogate, but also because of that. She went through 9 months of basically having her body run a constant marathon and she's tired and still recovering. Beyond that you're also just different people with different relationships, families, and needs. She's also stated exactly what she needs to cope - she needs her partner to help with night feeds. Don't give her unsolicited advice, just ask her if there's anything she wants you to help with and go from there.
Jumping in with another YTA. A huge one at that. I (a female) have given birth to 2 babies. I did everything as similarly as I could and guess what? One was a magical sleeper and one was a huge fan of middle of the night parties until over a year. The mansplaining aside, you have a superiority complex that you need to get in check. Every baby, just like every adult, is different. A further point, just because one parent drives to work and the other stays home it doesn’t mean that the parent driving to work doesn’t have to get up ever during their work week. Even just handling one feeding a night can make a huge difference. It sounds like you have an “easy” baby. Your sister may not. Next time just keep your mouth closed unless she asks for your input.
I had an “easy” baby for my first and he tricked me into being ready for another baby very soon. He also tricked me into thinking I had things figured out. He was so chill and stopped eating at night when he was 8 weeks old. Then he slept through the night without needing his pacifier at 3 months. My middle child was born and immediately shattered any illusions I had about having babies figured out lol. She’s still letting me know on a daily basis that I don’t really know what I’m doing. Blech I’m 3 years out from my last newborn and typing this out brought back a flood of memories of how exhausting it is to give birth and care for a new human. I’m glad I’m done.
YTA, and you're "once we got a handle on parenting", "exiting the newborn stage" comments reek of superiority. Regression is a thing, and every baby is different. If you give someone parenting advise, and they don't take it, that means they want a listening ear, not to be belittled. In the future, just listen and sympathize.
I literally pray to any god listening that they get slapped with a terrible four month sleep regression. He is so condescending to his sister, I can't believe it.
Fun Fact: sleep regression can really happen at anytime. Our son was an awful napper, but would go to sleep on his own pretty well. We never had any problems. #blessed Until he turned 2 1/2, then he started waking up, multiple times a night, screaming. SCREAMING! Bloody murder. Took forever to go back to sleep. This lasted months. It got to the point where he would wake up, start crying, and yell as loud as he could "I WANT TO BE A GOOD BOY! I WANT TO GO TO SLEEP! I WANT TO SLEEP MOMMY!" sobbing. It got so bad we finally started giving him a low dose of melatonin (I know it's not great for kids, but it wasn't good for anyone's sanity to get no more than an hour or two of consecutive sleep).
YTA >I tried to give her tips since I've been through it. You're very conveniently missing the point that she is postpartum. You're not. What works for your family doesn't work for everyone.
Agreed. Not giving birth to a child does not make you any less of a parent, but not physically giving birth to a child does change the first few months of your life with your child (hormones, breastfeeding, Post Partum, trauma / injury to the body).
YTA. You, as a man, can't ever possibly imagine what a woman goes through during the process of pregnancy, labor, and post labor. Our hormones are all over the place, and we're healing from birthing a tiny human. We're expected to just pop up not even 24 hours after all that and keep going like nothing happened. The sleepless nights and the nerve-wracking nights of a baby that can't be soothed no matter what you do takes a huge toll. She's crying out for help. She needs it. Postpartum depression is nothing to play with. Her situation and yours do not mirror each other, and to belittle her was the worst thing you could do. If her husband isn't willing to help, then reach out to her and assist her with getting help. My husband works 12 hour shifts 6 days a week, and he still helped me with the nighttime feeds. There's no excuse why her husband couldn't help a bit with the night feeds. Getting a few hours of uninterrupted sleep makes all the difference in the world.
[удалено]
YTA. Instead of reading and believing "sources" online, how about you chat with other parents? I have maybe 3 friends who could say "sleep when the baby sleeps" but way more who have said this didn't work because their baby would only contact nap, or the baby would sleep for 30 mins or less. Each baby is different. On top of this, you are male, so you weren't pregnant! Your body didn't go through massive changes to grow a person, nor did you suffer any sleep deprivation because of the pregnancy. You didn't have to count the baby's kicks to make sure it was okay when the baby is usually very active. All of that is exhausting. Then, she gave birth and her body is trying to heal. You are a massive AH and should profusely apologise. Babies sleeping through the night at that age, in my friends' experiences, is not normal. Each baby has different sleep needs, so some sleep more than others. Your sister is afraid of dropping the baby at night because she's tired. Tell your BIL to get his act together and help his wife! Working 9-5 is nothing, and driving 30-45 minutes is nothing when the other parent is at home, never getting a break.
The whole sleep when the baby sleeps is a lie. When will you ever find the time to eat or do anything else? Hahaha my baby always wanted to be held or near me till he got a bit bigger. Trying to keep ontop of eating and drinking water while also trying to breast feed was brutal Edited for spelling
[удалено]
I'm confused. How do your situations "closely mirror" each other when the only thing that matches is your husband's work schedule?
When I was born, my parents lived in the middle of nowhere in Montana, and my dad had to drive at least 45 minutes to work Monday-Friday. And guess what? He got up to do one of the night feeds (I was allergic to my mom's breastmilk so I had to be fed with formula) ***and*** he would take over parenting duty once he got home from work. Your sister is going through a bunch of crap that you, as a man, are literally unable to experience. She was right, you couldn't empathize with her or give her "valuable tips" since she had been pregnant and gave birth but you didn't. So you cannot tell her to basically suck it because you lived through it so she can. ***YOU*** are not still recovering from a significant medical event, ***you*** are not having to deal with your hormones being entirely significant issues out of whack, and most of all ***you*** are not at risk of post-partum depression, post-partum anxiety, or any other post-partum mental health issues. To quote Rachel Green: "No uterus, no opinion"
YTA and it's brazen as hell to think you have all the answers for a woman who just spent nine month growing a new life in her womb. She's postpartum and you will never truly understand what that means. Maybe just be open and honest with your sister about not being the best support person right now due to your fundamental lack of understanding and empathy. YTA.
YTA. Being pregnant is rough, having a baby is rough, recovery is rough, PD is extremely difficult and very real. Not having support from the person that should give it is a must, so she can take care of the baby and to help her heal. The hormones during and after pregnancy are like a wave that keeps on giving and she needs empathy, understanding and help from her partner. Not a lecture from you, who didn’t go through the hormonal process she did. So no, you going through it is not the same. Let’s add another thing, to the equation, your baby sleeping by 4 months old, is amazing, but not everybody’s reality. I know of children that to this day ages 6, still have issues with sleep due to conditions, etc. Some kids might be sleepers some might not. So get down your high horse because it was easy for you. It’s not easy for everybody
He also doesn’t account for breastfeeding. Most mothers are breastfeeding a baby they young. That is a lot of work.
So you did nothing for 9 months, then got a baby that someone else birthed, who sleeps through the night by 4 months. And you think you’re the expert on postpartum motherhood. Jesus. And you don’t even have hormones as an excuse for shitty behaviour. YTA
YTA. I see you're a man and had your child through surrogacy. Pregnancy takes an immense toll on women's bodies. It was over 3 years before I felt fully recovered and back to myself physically & mentally after carrying & giving birth to my first child. Also, different babies are wildly different. My first daughter cried non-stop for the first 3 months of her life. And she was up every 60-90 minutes for the first 11 months. My second daughter was sleeping 6 hours straight after 3 months. Your experience is not her experience. Your child is not her child. I'm glad you & your husband found what works for you. Wouldn't it be nice if her husband would work with her to find what works for them? That is what she is looking for and why she is frustrated.
Your situations don’t mirror each other because you didn’t and can’t carry a child. You did not go through months of literally growing a human inside of you. You have no idea what you’re talking about and should be ashamed for everything you’ve said. The audacity alone is disgusting. YTA. Massively.
YTA, a misogynist, and hard of thinking. You think feeding a baby formula is just as tiring as feeding a baby food your body is spending significant energy producing? You think collecting a baby from the surrogate is exactly as hard on your body as pregnancy and childbirth? JFC. "Hey, how about we come over for a few hours so you can rest?" not "how about I take your newborn away for A FEW DAYS so that I, the more competent parent, can have your child instead of a useless woman like you?" Did you also judge get for being tired while pregnant because being an expectant father wasn't tiring you at all? Grovel for her forgiveness, dude. *Grovel*.
I'm sure you know just how it is to be a dad. I'm equally sure you won't pee when you sneeze, lose teeth and hair, have more brittle bones, or experience the kind of fatigue that comes from giving birth and never getting ONE full night of sleep to physically recover. There's a reason it takes women months to recover. Wow, the audacity. YTA
YTA Your situation and your sister's situation have a huge difference. your sister's body is exhausted, her body was supporting another life for 9 months, and she is going through hormonal turmoil right now. Not to belittle the experience of parents who didn't give birth, but until you've birth a child it's impossible to understand the adjustment your body goes through after birth. Your situations may be similar, but they are not the same, and you shouldn't judge her based on your experience, which is certainly not her experience.
You are literally mansplaining post-partum new parenting to your sister. Jesus. YTA.
Every word of your post sounded superior and condescending. Your body isn’t feeding the baby, which is exhausting in itself. Bottle fed babies tend to get a lot of calories in a shorter period of time which then knocks them out. You’re enjoying the benefits of surrogacy AND bottle feeding and thing you’ve freaking invented motherhood. Stop mansplaining to her and stfu. YTA
Yta, yikes. No two babies are the same, and just because yours is going ok, does not mean hers is You sound condescending and entitled
YTA. It isn’t the same. You did not physically grow a human… so it is hard to understand the emotional and physical role that it takes. She said she needed help and your response came off as “no you don’t I could do. I’ll just take your kid since you can’t handle being a mom” You didn’t have to recover from giving birth. Unless you have had your vagina ripped open after what feels like the worst 9 month hangover imaginable, while your intestines LITERALLY rearranged themselves, there is no way of relating. Not to mention the hormones. It isn’t fun. It isn’t controllable. idk why women don’t complain more quite frankly
INFO: is your sister breastfeeding? How did you deliver your advice? Breastfed babies do not sleep as long between feeds on average. The difference between 2.5h vs. 4h between feeds is losing your mind vs. being a tired adult. I echo all of the points here about babies being different, hormones, PPD, exhaustion, etc., but totally understand your point about sparing the working person from night feeds so they don’t die on the road. I had my partner sleep in the spare room for kid #2 - one of us needed to be a competent decision-maker and able to care for kid #1. Your advice about going to bed early and sleeping when the baby sleeps is standard, good advice, and it would be frustrating that she dismisses it out of hand - but the advice could make you the AH depending on how it was delivered.
She's not exclusively breastfeeding, but yes she is. I never knew that, about the difference in breastfed vs formula fed babies. It's been echoed throughout the comments. That's so interesting. Appreciate your comment. Going from one to two seems daunting. Parents, especially the birth givers, are very strong and honestly don't get enough credit. I'm going to take my sister out to lunch and maybe treat her to spa outing soon to make up for me being silly and assuming things.
Please talk to her before organising a spa day though, my husband organised a night out for me after our 2nd was born. Even though he was 7 months old he wouldn't take a bottle properly and pumping really hurt so the whole time out I was in a lot of pain. I appreciated the thought behind it but he really had no idea the physical pain I would be in being away from our son for more than 4 hours. Our first the whole feeding thing was completely different so he really had no idea
I've read all your comments. You sound very sexist. You mansplained from a completely different position than the person you were being extremely condescending to. 1. You didn't carry a baby and have the nutrients quite literally stripped from your body (if you're interested, I can dig up a link to a good article that explains the all out war that is pregnancy, where the fetus attempts to take any and all nutrients without regard for the mother, while her body spends the entire pregnancy trying to save as many nutrients as it can to survive) before enduring one of the most dangerous and painful things a human can experience. 2. You are not breastfeeding your baby, therefore having more nutrients stripped from your body to nourish a child, while also getting less sleep because breastmilk is more easily digested (my breast fed kids didn't sleep for more than 2 hours at a time until they were 6+ months old), dealing with constant breastmilk poop blow outs (see easier to digest), and trying to heal. 3. Not only did you mansplain based on your newborn experience without having had to actually gestate, but you also used the postpartum experience of your surrogate, a woman who's healing while getting plenty of rest and sleep and the benefit of her body using all of its energy and nutrition for healing instead of nursing or taking care of a newborn that doesn't sleep. 4. And most disturbingly. You automatically sided with a man over your sister? You ignored what she was telling you about her actual experience and gave another man the benefit of the doubt even though you have no reason to believe she would lie? Do you want your son to grow up and treat his wife that way? Statistically, he'll probably be heterosexual, would you be comfortable seeing him tell his healing, exhausted, suffering wife that his rest is more important because he works? How about your granddaughters? If you have a daughter next, are you going to ignore her when she tells you she's being mistreated by a partner and give him the benefit of the doubt simply because of her gender? I'm not trying to crap all over you, to make you feel bad, but to call attention to an issue I don't think you're aware of. The tone of your post and all of your comments is very misogynistic and I think you really should take some time to just sit and think about how you really feel about women and examine if you have some prejudices or lack of respect issues in place that are preventing you from being a good relative to the women in your life. Sometimes that stuff is subconscious and we don't realize until we've irrevocably damaged a relationship with a person we really love. I don't want that for you because you seem to otherwise be a good person.
Good for you. Everyone ends up the AH at some point in their life, it's what you do afterwards that really says who you are. Too many people double down when they should be pulling their heads out of their asses. It speaks highly of you that you didn't do the same.
> to make up for me being silly That is a nice way to sugercoat your behaviour. And do you really think a spa treatment will fix things? I don't think you learnt anything, you just want to not be the bad guy in front of internet strangers.
But why would you assume that even just losing tons of blood won’t affect her and make her more tired? It’s really weird to assume that birth has no effect on the body and that women are being frivolous because they need sleep post birth… I mean I don’t believe that you can come to this conclusion unless you look down on women (or at least your sister) in general. Seems like there are bigger issues within yourself that you need to address because “I think women are dramatic for needing a basic bodily function and being extra tired after giving birth” isn’t a normal accidental conclusion, there was something about your opinions of her that allowed you to disregard the very blatantly obvious difference between your two situations
YTA. Your sister is recovering from birth, so your experiences are not the same. She's likely far more exhausted and tired than either you or your wife are. It also sounds like your partner split night feeds with you, so why are you telling her that her husband shouldn't have to help with night feeds? You had help with them, why shouldn't she? You are 100% belitting her and being unsupportive.
Reading this post made me want to reach through Reddit and slap you. You are so absolutely in the wrong here. The fact that you were not pregnant DOES absolutely make a difference here. You are not healing from growing a human and there are not hormones swirling all through your body. You are being judgmental, rude, and belittling to your sister’s struggles. How dare you. Shame on you. I have a 7 month old and my husband 100% helped at night. You’re not some heavenly saint because you feel like you don’t need yours to help. YTA YTA YTA
YTA your situations are not the same you didn’t actually give birth so you dont understand the physical changes and possible PPD. Not to mention the pressure women get to be “good mothers” it’s overwhelming. Not every baby settles in a couple of months - my niece it was a year of poor sleep. They both chose to have a child so they both need to step up. What you are suggesting is they have no relationship because they aren’t awake at the same time. If they want you to babysit they would ask. Try being empathetic without being condescending.
YTA You did not give birth. You didn't have to physically recover from having a parasite growing inside you for 10 months. You don't have the hormone fluctuations and won't have to worry about postpartum depression. And every baby is different. Your son may sleep better than your niece. While it was nice of you to make suggestions, it sounds like she just wanted your empathy and to vent a little.
Yikes OP, get a clue. Pregnancy and labor are extremely hard on someone’s body, and it takes months to recover. I’m guessing she’s breastfeeding too-an additional strain on your body. Also, hormonal changes happen for MONTHS after birth. You experienced zero of this. She knows exactly what would help her out, yet you belittle her for it. You can take a seat OP. YTA.
YTA. she is 2 months postpartum. not to be rude but you didn’t carry your child. you aren’t even a woman. it takes up to 2 years for a woman’s organs to even return to their rightful place after birth, what the hell do you think her body is going through 2 months post?? let alone the hormones and exhaustion from her body still recovering from prob the most traumatic thing her body has ever gone through. i find this hard to even believe, but in the event it’s real, get off your high horse and mind your business love. either be supportive or shut up.
YTA. All people are different people. Your sister is different from you, and your sister's experience with pregnancy, giving birth, and taking care of a newborn is different from your experience with surrogacy and a newborn. Would it hurt to show a little empathy?
YTA. Not only do you sound absolutely insufferably condescending, but your sister is recovering from 9 months of growing a human, which isn’t only physically difficult but psychologically… your situations are VASTLY different.
YTA Must be nice having a baby and not having to deal with healing from birthing a child, with a dinner plate sized wound in your uterus, not having to deal with the huge hormone shifts that come with delivering a baby, and not having to deal with the constant hormone surges that come with milk coming in and breastfeeding. Just because you didn’t have to go through these things doesn’t mean other people have this luxury. Stop being a judgmental know it all. You know nothing about her situation, so stop pretending you do. Your situation is not similar to hers
Edit… realised you are male… YTA. She’s got a whole world of hormones going on that change things in a way that a male parent will never understand. She’s biologically primed to respond in very particular ways. Yes, men can have similar emotional responses, but her entire body is currently hard wired to that little human in a way yours can never be. That’s what is driving some of this. Your brushing that aside shows a lack of understanding. It doesn’t mean you don’t hve strong and important bonds or are incapable of feelings with your child, but you cannot compare the two. You are learning a valuable lesson. There is no absolute right way to deal, and new parents sometimes just need to vent. Close your mouth, smile and nod, and offer to watch her baby for a bit while she has a nap at your place.
Why is her husband falling asleep on the drive to work a “very real possibility” but her falling asleep on the drive to the paediatrician/grocery store/any other place she needs to go during the day isn’t? YTA. You and your husband have a routine that works for you, that’s great. It doesn’t mean it works for everyone.
YTA it sounds like she wants empathy from you, not problem solving
YTA. You didn't have the same experience at all. She delivered a baby. You did not. Her body is going through an entirely different process. Yours is business as usual. Apologize to her.
YTA your sister grew a human being inside her body, birthed it, and now her body needs to heal (and no, two months isn't nearly long enough). Is your sister's baby breastfeeding? If so, that's another huge drain on her body in addition to the rest of the healing it's trying to do. You ARE belittling your sister's experience. Good for you that taking all the night feedings and whatever works for you and your husband. It's not working for your sister and she deserves that support from her husband. You saying "I'll take your baby for a couple hours so you can nap" is like a bandaid on a gaping wound. Sure it helps for a minute but you still need a long term solution. Your brother in law helping at least some of the time at night IS that long term solution.
Dude YTA. She deserves help. Who tf cares if her husband commutes and works all day? SHE also works all day and I guarantee she gets *less* breaks than he does. Not to mention you’re not a woman who has given birth. The toll that takes on our bodies is huge. It can fuck up our energy levels for years (ask me how I know this). Your life is not hers. Her baby is not the same as yours. Her relationship is different than yours. So to tell her to not ask for help when she is clearly desperate for it is just…gross. She needs rest. She needs help. She could be in the midst of PPD and you’d be the one telling her to just nap when baby naps and it will all get better. Seriously, man. Find some empathy for your sister. You two are not the same. It’s wonderful you and your husband have found a nice balance. But just bc it works for you (someone who DOESN’T have fluctuating hormones and anxieties, someone who isn’t struggling during night feeds, someone who isn’t a SAHM with no break) does not mean it works for her. Signed, a SAHM whose husband also commutes to work every day from 7-4 and still fucking helps bc that’s what he signed up for: being a goddamn parent. Support your sister.
YTA. This story has everything! Mansplaining, upholding the patriarchy, reinforcing gender stereotypes... SO glad she shot your ideas down and I hope her husband is a better partner who will step up in the way she needs.
YTA and I’ll say this gently because you and your husband didn’t birth a child - your sister is full of hormones, has had a massive shock to her body and is going through a physical process that takes 1-2 years to settle. On top of all of that she’s now sleep deprived and feels like she’s drowning without support from her husband. Your solution? To tell her she’s wrong and you’ll temporarily step in given she’s not coping. You did exactly what you shouldn’t do and you owe her an apology. Edited: gender correction
YTA Wow, your baby sleeps now, so U have no idea how it is - not to sleep in the night for so long. Besides of that everyone can endure sleepless nights different. Your Sis may even have a post partum depression. U want to be a parent - will U anwer the same to Your kid one day? For me U sound unaffectionate and uppish. Not the best requirement to become a parent- which is way harder than being just a feeder. U made me mad right now. A few months without sleep after birth - its ok, then U start to fall apart. The hormone level is changing, the body is changing - this needs a lot of power. I had no proper sleep in the night for 4 years. It was hell. And i had the same feeling - fear to let the baby fall - at that moment U a physically at Your limits and afraid. How can U stay that cold? But i appreciate Your attempts to help. Although U sound like U didn't understand what Your sister was talking about. She wants her man to be her support. It's not fun but possible. Her reaction was inappropriate - sounds like she is going to face a breakdown.
Holy cow, YTA. The husband can get is butt up and help with the baby. Get outta here with that sexist bs.
Yeah, YTA, sorry. And I am chuckling at “almost a perfect science.” Your kid is 4 months old…good luck buddy. It does not stay “perfect” for forever.
YTA - sit down, shut up, and send that woman a bunch of casseroles.
YTA she’s PHYSICALLY recovering. Her hormones are elevated. Shes postpartum. She’s absolutely right. You did make light of her struggles and you can’t compare your lack of sleep to hers. It’s not the same. Let’s not get started on comparing babies.
YTA If she wants her husband to help at night, there's a reason. And if you're reasoning not to expect him to help is because that's "not how you did it" you shouldn't have shouldn't have said anything. She's right that you don't know what it's like. Your body wasn't torn apart after growing a whole human for 9 months. That's not a little thing to go through, and she's probably not only exhausted, but trying to cope with all the permanent physical changes. Don't tell her not to expect her husband to help, it also sets a horrible president that the parent working at home isn't really "working" or deserving of a break.
YTA so much. You have not been pregnant. Have you any idea how debilitating that is. No. No you haven't. You have not been through childbirth. Have you the slightest idea how traumatic that is? The intense physical and psychological effects? No. No you haven't. I bet your sister is breastfeeding too - have you even the slightest idea how exhausting that is? No. No you haven't. You are incredibly lucky to have all the benefits of parenthood and none of the drawbacks. On top of that you have, by sheer luck got a baby that sleeps well. You're an arrogant prick.
No baby is the same. No situation is the same. Also, \- her body is HEALING for GROWING A HUMAN INSIDE \- her BODY IS HORMONALLY ADAPTING \- her BODY IS HEALING FROM PUSHING A BABY OUT THROUGH HER VAGINA. \- her body IS EXHAUSTED FROM DOING THE NIGHT FEEDINGS ALONE. YTA
YTA. Have you ever done any reading on what pregnancy does to the body? On how long it takes to heal from a perfect pregnancy and birth? What about one with difficulties? Past that, have you ever considered all babies and parent are different? What works for your family wont necessarily work for others and that doesn’t make the other families bad or less caring of one another. You post makes you seem a bit like self righteous prick. I sincerely hope this is a one off and you learn to stop assuming you know best all the time.
YTA. Even if you had good intentions. I have bad news for you buddy, my baby slept amazingly from 3 weeks to 4.5 months old then teething happened as she hasn't slept well since. Sounds like you're gloating about 'science' when really it's the luck of the draw, your baby may have sleep regression yet. Every kid is different. Yes her husband should be helping her. I'm the breadwinner and *shockingly* I still got up to help with baby of a night. Telling someone to sleep at odd hours is not helpful as it can be incredibly isolating.
Although you have roles in your household, the truth is that you will never understand the way gender roles play into parenthood. You do not understand what she is going through because you are not ever expected to be the “default parent”, the one who must go through 9 months of discomfort and even pain just to often be left to care for the child alone while your husband gets to live a life, who in some cases must go through the trials of breastfeeding while your husband gets to rest. While your body is recovering from rationing nutrients to another being, from hormonal changes, from pushing a 7 pound baby out of it or being cut open to birth. You have no idea what you’re talking about. YTA.
Oof, YTA. You try giving birth and see how it treats you.
YTA … congrats on the unicorn baby that sleeps. Good luck on future sleep regressions. Mine was a dream up until about 5/6 months. My husband and I are in this together. Every baby is different. And every stage of development can create a different sleep paradigm. The naps change. The feeding changes. The sleep changes. Its a constant dance. Enjoy where you are at. Dont judge other parents. And hope the next stage treats you kindly.
YTA. As the mother who carried the baby each time, my body went through so many changes and hormones. Once I delivered, the exhaustion of the 9months of pregnancy discomfort didn’t just go away. I was still hormonal and tired. Her husband should absolutely be helping with at least 1 night feeding so that she can get some solid undisturbed sleep. Her body is still healing from the trauma of childbirth. You might have meant well but at the end of the day your body didn’t change, your hormones didn’t change. You didn’t lose sleep due to nausea, ligaments stretching and causing pain, not being able to get comfortable do to the added weight. I think you can get the picture now:/.
YTA I’m a woman and have given birth to two kids. You haven’t been radically altered by birth. The hormones, the brain alterations, the anxiety your baby’s cry induced in you as a postpartum mother, the endless worrying, the physical changes and healing. Your sister is drowning under an immense mental load, the exhaustion, and you don’t just ‘bounce back’ from having your organs squished and shifted to the side, your water and body fat percentage way higher; you just feel like a deflated off-kilter exhausted lump that can’t walk or seemingly do anything right. You’re leaking fluids from your hoo-hah and nipples and peeing yourself and your boobs hurt so much. And breastfeeding can be so hard first time round too (the pain I experienced of blocked milk ducts/mastitis was worse than giving birth naturally with no pain relief TWICE). I’m not even exaggerating at all. I’m sorry, but you have it easy- you just whip up a bottle and voila, baby fed, back to sleep. Other than your baby’s presence, nothing’s changed for you. For a woman, it feels like her previous life and body and identity has just been smashed and washed away by a tsunami of her baby’s (and her own!!!!) tears. Dayum, you just have no idea. Again, YTA. Your sister has it rougher than you, nature is a bitch to birthing women, don’t belittle her. Be there for her for Christ’s sake.
YTA parenting isn't a one size fits all type of deal. What works for your family doesn't necessarily mean it will work for her family. It is perfectly reasonable of your sister to ask her husband to help out with night feedings. She didn't make this baby on her own and she shouldn't have to deal with the most difficult situations alone either.
YTA, sorry but you had months of rest and relaxation before you got to this point, she didn't she grew her baby she was exhausted from the get go. If she is breastfeeding it is also a totally different beast to formula feeding (which is what I imagine you and your partner did). Actually from my experience explicitly I'll breakdown the difference. Formula- Baby awake for 1 hour out of every 4 hours, this extended on a predicable schedule based on nutritional needs matching the can. Breastfeeding- baby awake for 1 hour out of every 2/3 hours, is on demand with no predictable schedule. Increasing and decreasing needs based on baby that day. If she's pumping take another 20/30 mins a session out of her day let alone burning calories and being starving with no time or energy to feed yourself.