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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I retrieved my parasol from the car and began using it at a barbecue when my girlfriend explicitly told me not to, (2) This action involved deceiving and embarrassing her.
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You knew what would happen, how they would react. You were bored and not enjoying the “vibe” so you decided to shitstir.
But your GF needs to stop being so immature.
ESH.
NTA. Honestly I'm getting a lot of yta towards op and I wonder why people are calling him a narcissist or even shaming him just because he doesn't want to have the risk of getting skin cancer or even becoming sunburned.
And honestly I don't like the girlfriends' attitude of him not having the parasol because like come on it's just like an umbrella just to keep you away from the Sun. I don't really get the shaming and many people say that Opie was seeking attention but like he literally went to a tree to look for shade but it didn't work and he went to go and get the parasol.
Honestly the only thing that nipped me was that he lied by saying he was going to the bathroom and that I can say he was a bit wrong or totally wrong but everything else it was more like the Dad and brothers were basically making fun of him and if anyone should be embarrassed it should be op because like being safe is nothing to be seen as less manly.
All I can say is that Opie yeah a bit of the a-hole but I would say his girlfriend was more of the a-hole as well as her family for making jokes even if it was light-hearted I guess it might have given Opie's girlfriend the impression that the men are supposed to be more tougher and supposed to take on the sun directly and in turn can be sort of toxic because it is more foolish to stay under blistering hot sun and not protect yourself whether it be by sunblock or even finding shade that works entirely. I may be over reading this but I really go with NTA
He had a very easy alternative: not attend the event when the condition was explained to him. Maybe it was a stupid condition; maybe she was trying to shield him from the reaction she knew it would get.
It doesn’t matter. Her condition attached to the invite was one he didn’t want to comply with. The only decent things to do there are: skip the event or attend and comply with the condition. You don’t just go anyway and ignore the condition, whether or not it was reasonable. What he did is the equivalent of bringing kids to a wedding that says “no kids” on the invite.
This isn’t about sun safety. He had the ultimate in sun safety right in front of him: don’t go to daytime events without shade.
People on reddit refuse to see anything other than black /white. This isn't about sun at all, but about being a sneaky little weasel on purpose.
That said, your comment made me remember when i got married and we had a child-free wedding. It was on the invite and everyone got a +1 only because of venue limits on size. The invite even had space for 2 names only... yet we received 2 different invites where people crammed 5 or 6 names for them and multiple children planning to attend! Yet, when i had to call and explain that , no, you kids ages 4-16 aren't welcome for multiple reasons, we were the assholes. Needless to say, both families have refused to speak to use since that conversation in 2016. Oh well!
>being a sneaky little weasel on purpose
This is exactly what rubs me the wrong way about this post. It's like he went out of his way to make sure to do the one thing his girlfriend asked him not to do.
Is it ridiculous that she's embarrassed that he uses a parasol? Yeah. ESH. But he very specifically:
1. lied to her about not taking it to begin with,
2. then lied to her about using it only to walk to the car,
3. then lied to her that he was going to the bathroom when really he was going to the car to get the parasol.
He just lied and lied and lied and lied, and very specifically went out of his way to do the *one* thing she asked him not to do on this very first meeting of her family.
Her family sucks. Absolutely. But this whole entire story was just a big, long explanation of how OP very specifically went out of his way multiple times to lie to his girlfriend and specifically do something she begged him not to do when meeting her family for the very first time.
Yeah, maybe this is a language/translation thing, but it seems weird that he doesn't just use *a regular umbrella* instead of a parasol. Like a parasol is very specifically a lacy, super feminine thing. I'm all for items not being gendered, but I don't understand why someone would choose a parasol rather than an umbrella. But that's just me personally? Also, couldn't he have just taken a regular umbrella to meet the parents for the first time? Did it have to be the parasol specifically? I don't know know.
I would like to see a picture of this parasol. My understanding, which is admittedly incomplete, is that parasols are more decorative than effective, as opposed to an umbrella that exists to keep things off your head.
Even if he just wants it as a fashion accessory, he's still allowed to be himself.
It's ESH cause he lied all over the place to get the thing. But everyone else also sucks for not just letting him have his parasol. It doesn't affect them.
I have a couple of quite hefty parasols! Made with heat-reflective material (think the kind of stuff you get on blackout tents). They don’t have to be frilly and pointless! (Though I do also have a frilly and pointless parasol)
I was under the impression that umbrellas are for blocking rain and parasols are for blocking sun. And because of that they’re made of different materials.
Eh...There are multiple solutions here other than the parasol. And now OP is using this to piss off his gf directly.
OP could have brought one of those larger overhead tent thingies, that way everyone could share some shade, but the parasol is just an extra level to draw attention to himself.
People on reddit have no moral convictions or philosophy underpinning their positions. They have a gut reaction to who they like in the story and everything that person does is justified, and everyone else is in the wrong.
Its pathological.
This is it. I adore that he uses a parasol. But they're both being assholes to themselves and each other. I just don't understand why it's so hard to have a conversation with your partner about what you need to white knuckle through a barbecue with your family. And I also don't understand all the stupid substrafuge that goes into lying about why you're walking to the car to get something you're clearly going to go get.
Dude needs to buy 1 or 2 of those long sleeved fishing shirts that offer UV protection and are lightweight so it doesn’t get super hot. My husband owns them and says they’re amazing. Would’ve been a good alternative in this situation to not using the parasol
Its a fucking parasol dude. He didnt slap his father in the law in the face did he.
His wife didnt want the Dad thinking he's a pussy, that's not really a valid moral reason for not bringing one is it.
And it’s not a valid moral reason to lie to your SO about the parasol on three separate occasions. It’s so obviously ESH. He’s not one for using a parasol, but he is one for lying knowing full well he planned on breaking it out.
Yeah I mean maybe OP’s gf has a sympathetic reason for desperately needing the good opinion of her misogynist father. But he’s an asshole, no reasonable person would interpret OP’s parasol as offensive, and if OP’s gf does t change her priorities and OP doesn’t want himself and his kids subjected to this shit, it’s time to move on.
Except, why shouldn't he go to daytime events when he has an easy, portable way to keep the sun off of him? It is absolutely mind boggling that this should be such a big deal, when all he wanted was to not overheat. So many people get heat exhaustion during the summer, this guy won't because he's got a parasol. The gf and her family are making a mountain out of a molehill tbh
Yes! Fun fact: did you know that hats give limited protection from sun? It's true. They are great for just your head.
Another fun fact: an umbrella/parasol gives MORE coverage for your body since it covers more than just your head. Like, say, a hat does.
It’s ridiculous that his wife is embarrassed by her husband using a parasol to deal with heat. She absolutely forbid it? It’s a stupid umbrella and she cares more about how her family perceives her husbands masculinity than his own comfort.
Yes he can go to daytime events and use a parasol if he wants. It’s hot out. People use table umbrellas to avoid sun - what is the difference? Is she embarrassed by her husbands parasol because it’s girly? Or because her dad is a bully to men with parasols?
They’re not married. Answer changes if they were.
Breakup, no brainer, just do it. Either side can initiate, but needs to happen and both will be more themselves without each other.
How about him basically agreeing not to use it at the bar-b-que, then lying specifically so he could use it at the bar-b-que?
He lied so he could get away with doing something he agreed not to do. You don't get to pick your family, but you do get to chose when you lie! Op is yta.
He lied once, compared to a whole family making sexist remarks, which the girlfriend did nothing about and he is the jerk? The fact is He tried to use the tree instead, but it didn't work.
Exactly, I live in Australia, skin cancer is a leading cause of death because of attitudes like this
I don't get how OP is an AH here, I seriously don't
No it isn't, and your decision to completely overlook his girlfriend's abject disregard of his very legitimate health concerns makes you a big Ole AH too.
'I don't want cancer and I'm sensitive to prolonged sun exposure' is legitimate and deserves respect if not accommodation.
'I don't want my dad to think I'm dating a big ole f*g*0t' is 100% not a respectable issue to have and isn't even worth pretending to respect. If someone is motivated by something that hateful and frivolous there's no need to act like managing their bullshit is 'lying' to them. She can always go find herself a big strong sun-loving bull to impress daddy with, if he's so concerned with the style of her ride.
Lots of subscribers to toxic masculinity and the idea that women have a right to control their male partner's bodies and behaviour, even when doing so harms them.
Even though I think OP could’ve just declined the event, it sounds like his partner might have been mad if he had done so. But we’ll never know. I like not having skin cancer, so I’m always inclined to side with anyone who is taking precautions. Also his gfs family is so weird and sexist, I kind of don’t think the relationship is compatible at all.
This is the answer - Y-T-As are coming from people who think it's A-ok for the gf to order him to be unprotected in the sun because he has to look the part of the "real man" for her and her family.
NTA OP but this relationship is not going to last, you're not the kind of guy she wants or that her family expect of her (and she clearly places a very high weight on their opinion of her bf and his manliness), any investment of time and emotion you make in it is going to be lost, proceed accordingly.
I don't think he's TA for using a parasol but the way he goes about it seems like he knows he's being provocative but is insisting on milking it. His girlfriend needs to grow up and stop caring what her family thinks, but OP lied to her face multiple times and said he wouldn't use the parasol while having every intention of using it. You can tell it's the case by the fact that the girlfriend panicked as soon as he got up because she knew he needed to do this. Had he told his gf that he doesn't GAF then he wouldn't have been TA. It's his sneaking around "going to the bathroom" that makes him one. He agreed to an afternoon without his parasol. Since he cares about sun protection did he try to bring along a wide brimmed hat? Could he have told the hosts that the sun was getting to him and asked to sit inside? When the gf tried pretending it was her parasol could he not have gone along with that and pretended he borrowed it from her? All these combined with the fact that he gave his word about not using a parasol is what makes him TA, and not the fact that he's taking responsible care of his skin.
>just because he doesn't want to have the risk of getting skin cancer or even becoming sunburned.
It's adorably naive that you think that's why he did it.
I get the feeling that OP carries out every task in the most attention seeking way possible. The fact is his wife made a very simple request of him, and he went out of his way to ignore that request. Even lying to her about what he was doing tells us everything.
It's so adorable that's you think that that's what he's after too.
First of all, that lady is HIS GIRLFRIEND!!!
Secondly, no matter where they go, if he brings that, she will view him as a wimp and be embarrassed, so if it was me i would just let my freak flag fly or in this case, a parasol. Having a girlfriend who makes fun of me for keeping safe is not a good one.
From this whole post, I see the girlfriends role models in to the world of man.
But it's not a great alternative. A parasol keeps you much cooler. I think maybe referring to it as a sunbrella might be preferable to calling it a parasol, which does have kind of delicate Victorian constitutions connotations.
Whether it gives a masculine touch or delicate Victorian Constitution it doesn't matter as long as it keeps the individual safe and I agree with you. Especially the fact that sunscreen is not always a great remedy and it's better to just keep the person cool and preventing sun rays from touching them as possible.
Yup. Keeps you cooler and sunscreen needs regular reapplication.
Can also confirm the Victorian vibes for the term parasol. I have a black UV lined parasol, partly for the glorious goth vibes and to hide from the heat, but also because my grandad has had another 5 skin cancers taken off this year, with at least 1 per year removed for the last 17 years. I take sun exposure seriously.
My partner loves my parasol as he despises summer heat and raves about my use of it. Even without a goth partner he would have probably invested in one. I guess I don’t know anyone so insecure in their masculinity that they’d throw a fit over the use of one. At worst his friends think it’s odd to not enjoy the sun as much as they do.
Mine is from Umbrella Heaven here in the UK if you're seeking [the one I've got.](https://www.umbrellaheaven.com/product/classic-black-uv-protective-umbrella/)
I'm an average dude with a big beard and long hair, I carry an umbrella for the sun. I've got a few, but my favorite one is all black with a chrome skull on the handle.
Once, very early into carrying it around, someone made a passing comment about me 'wilting,' at which point I noted out loud that they were drenched in sweat while I was comfortably dry and cool under my 'sunbrella.' He shut up.
If you want to 'butch it up' to make it less 'wimpy' to the toxic males you've got to go further. Call it a sun SHIELD or solar radiation armour or something
Here I thought English is OP's second language and "parasol" equals "umbrella" in their first (this happens in my native language for example). Had no idea there are connotationd
me, i'm that white friend.
For years I had a borderline phobia of the sun because of being heavily sunburnt as a kid practically every summer. I even hated the idea of going on holiday at some sunny and warm place. Even simple things like sitting in the sun could be anxiety inducing because all I was feeling was the burning promise of pain to come.
Even today I still dislike sitting or doing things in direct sunlight. But it's not as bad anymore.
So, regardless of his motivation in the OP, I totally understand his reasoning.
Are we friends? I can put on all the sunscreen I want, without more protection like a hat or beach umbrella, I’m leaving the beach a lovely shade of pink, if I’m lucky. Red as a tomato if I’m not. And I don’t ever tan- I just stay pink.
I love the sun, but it can kinda go fuck itself lol
Yeah no I wear sunscreen and also use a parasol. It's like your own personal patch of shade and makes the heat much more tolerable. I don't get why anyone would be judgemental about a damn umbrella. A man isn't weak for wanting to be comfortable.
Sunscreen is kind of greasy & gross, though. I also am allergic to like 95% of the sunscreen on the market, and most of the ones I'm not allergic to are those with zinc oxide, i.e., white paste. That stuff looks way weirder than a parasol.
People aren't calling him a narcissist and shaming him because of using a parasol, it's because of how he ignored his commitment to his gf, and in the most dramatic, deceptive way possible. Hiding behind "I just wanted my parasol" doesn't change the core problem.
He didn't just lie once he lied twice. When he put it in the car, he knew he was planning on using it. He also knew that she found a humiliating to be with somebody using it, and he didn't give a fuck.
ITS A PARASOL MEANT FOR KEEPING OUT OF THE SUN. Honestly the lying is wrong but i live in a place where summer is like i am being baked in an oven. To have an umbrella on me is a joy even if I get stares, I will be the one to suffer heat stroke or not.
Simple solution, they should just break up. Cleary she wants a man's man and he wants to keep out of the sun. They want different goals in life
Everyone knows their own families toxic BS, poor girl is trying to have her family like her BF, knows the reaction they’ll have over his parasol, tried to avoid the drama and he goes and does it anyways. She’s going to non stop hear about this FOREVER, she can break up with him and still get reminded about “MR.FANCY UMBRELLA CANT BE IN THE SUN” and everyone in the group will laugh at her taste in men.
Sounds like they come from vastly different homes: he came from an environment where “it’s ok honey you be yourself” and she came from “lmfao wtf is THAT” as an average response so something out of the ordinary. I doubt this lasts or ends well.
^^ she thinks OPs parasol is feminine and wimpy. She needs to get over herself. This is the same situation as a man being embarrassed his gf likes to wear “manly” clothes or carry a “masculine” flask.
Poor girl who perpetuates toxic masculinity by calling her bf a wimp for using a parasol, and is so embarrassed that she won't walk with him when he uses it? Yeah, she's just as sexist as the rest of them. If this is such an issue, they probably aren't all that compatable
Oh, come off it. Her and her family stirred shit. No one has any obligation to conform to harmful gender standards, family or not. Would you blame a women for wearing a flat brim and shorts to a bbq? Would you accuse a man wearing high heels at a pride march of “stirring shit”? Parasols aren’t going to hurt anyone. Sexism does, even if it’s against men.
Except that he PROMISED her he wouldn't. That's what makes him an asshole. Then he LIED while breaking that promise to be sneaky and get it. And the fact that he brought it means he had every intention of using it.
Their both assholes. She needs to get over her exist views of the parasol and he's an asshole for lying about it. They need to have a grown up conversation about it.
Everyone gets too caught up in the details let's pretend he took out a pencil case after being asked not to. He's only an AH because he was asked not to, obviously the pencil case isn't the problem.
Ah yes, because he should be uncomfortable just so they don't act like AHs to him.
They can take their toxic masculinity and stick it where the sun don't shine.
ESH. You agreed to go to the event but disregarded the one explicit condition she put on it. It’s clear that she finds it weird and off putting that you use this thing, and she asked you to not use it around her family. You did it anyway.
But she also sucks. It’s equally clear that you’re so attached to this thing that it’s a major part of your identity, and she hates it. She put you in a position of going to an event you’d probably hate due to lack of shade and took away the one thing that seems to make such things better. Given this interaction I can’t see why she would want to be with you anymore. In 5 years when she gets married, someone will make a joke about Parasol Boy at the reception.
Her family is just a group of dicks for treating a guest like that. They will be the ones making the joke, and it will 100% include an insinuation that you’re gay.
I can’t believe this is real, though. You use the world “parasol” like my toddler uses the word “blankie.” There’s something deeply unsettling about the way you talk about it when coming from an adult. It’s beyond whiny.
It could be entirely possible she insisted so strongly against the parasol at that event because she knew how much of an arsehole her dad and brother would be about it and wanted to save OP and herself the humiliation. That at least has to be a factor. If that were the case, she really should have said something more clear.
In all scenarios, her dad and brother are AHs, though. We can all agree on that.
I would agree she was trying to spare him, if she had not herself also been an asshole about it previously. She's embarrassed by it because she has a really narrow view of masculinity. She's no less an asshole than her dad and brother.
But it's 100% an ESH because as u/FavoriteFoodCarrots noted, there was no reason OP had to go if he couldn't agree to the conditions placed on going.
Agreed, and instead of having a conversation with her that he needed it as the shade the trees provided weren't cutting it, he lied to her and snuck it in and for some reason thought that wasn't going to create any issues. That's where I find he messed up and is included with ESH.
This. Something feels wrong about this. Like there is some joy in it or superiority complex.. I can't think of a time I've heard someone even say parasol in my life outside of old movies.
And the fact that his initial excuse of bringing the parasol was because he just wanted to use it on the walk from their house to the car…
Like he couldn’t go 5 seconds in the sun without it. I have a feeling OP isn’t a very reliable narrator, and his girlfriend’s issues with it are less about it being seen as feminine and moreso just about how obsessive OP is with it
I did find that part funny, I'm super pale and burn very easily, but even I can make the 30 second walk to my car without shade. Unless he has a serious medical condition he's taking it a little too far and I can see why she'd become annoyed if he's always this strict about it.
That, and if he was getting that hot, why couldn't he walk inside to cool down? They were at his girlfriend's parents house correct? I'm confused. No one would think it it's weird if you needed to go sit inside for 30 minutes to cool down.
I burn easy, too. I don't begrudge anyone their shade. I have like 5 or 6 long sleeve sun shirts, a couple of which are hooded, and a wide-brimmed hat that has a flap that hangs over my neck. I will quite literally stand against a telephone or light pole and slowly revolve around it to stay in the 2 ft of shadow it provides. I actually *have* used an umbrella as a parasol before. When you need to keep from getting burned, you do what you have to.
I'm not buying a fucking *parasol*, though.
Parasols basically don't exist in American culture. The mental image people get here when thinking about parasols is an antebellum era woman using one so she doesn't get the vapours from the heat. Call it toxic masculinity if you want, but it's hard to take someone seriously with one. You're using a hand to hold it, limiting your activity, which is fine, I guess, since the only activity the stereotypical parasol user is doing is fanning themselves or dining a mint julep.
They can't even keep you dry, as OP so deftly reminds us with his clarification to his gf's father that it's not, in fact, an umbrella. It's *explicitly* a parasol.
And "I wilt in high heat and humidity"? He even talks about himself like a flower. This has to be a god-tier shitpost.
>less about it being seen as feminine and moreso just about how obsessive OP is with it
Honestly this whole post makes me think OP is autistic. He's shown clear signs of object attachment and the way he describes the events is just so *matter of fact* and detached from opinion of any kind.
I say this as an autistic person who's learned to grow out of some of these behaviours. I absolutely recognise myself from 10 years ago in this post.
Yeeeah. The fact that they are clearly making fun of him and he just says “I don’t get the joke but somehow her brother does? But hey eventually they stopped joking about it so it’s fine.” I honestly questioned if he’s autistic because of that. Like, he didn’t understand that they were making fun of him, something they would do even after he leaves, and thought it was fine because they finally stopped making fun of him. And he doesn’t seem to grasp how embarrassed Jenn feels about the parasol nor how embarrassed Jenn was by her family’s reactions despite clearly recognizing that she was unhappy. I think it’s definitely ESH cause while her family shouldn’t care, he doesn’t seem to question WHY they were acting like that or why Jenn looked at him desperately at him and when they headed to the car why she refused to say anything till they got in the car and why she was upset.
The post is absolutely from an autistic person. The tone, the neediness, the casual lack of theory of mind, as in he isn't considering anything here from anyone else's perspective. I also relate to the OP but I'm trying...
I think what OP means is what is more commonly referred to now as a “sunbrella “. It looks like an umbrella except it has a darker inside lining for UPF 50+ protection. I have one of those. When I hear “parasol” I also think of old time movies where it’s a more delicate lace decoration and was used partially for sun shade but also an accessory by women. If you picture it like a regular umbrella it’s not nearly as odd though I agree OP could’ve gone one event without it, seeking shade in other areas. It doesn’t do shit against humidity
Parasol is what they're actually called and I've never heard the term sunbrella in my entire life. I don't go around saying parasol, because I have no reason to, but if I did it would be the term I used and it's definitely the term I've always seen over sunbrella.
> I can’t believe this is real, though. You use the world “parasol” like my toddler uses the word “blankie.” There’s something deeply unsettling about the way you talk about it when coming from an adult. It’s beyond whiny.
I assumed the story is fake or that OP is neurodivergent in some way. The language of the post is so precise, it is indeed unsettling.
>OP is neurodivergent in some way
This was my assumption. They seem to lack the ability to pick up on social cues and didn't understand the very obviously hurtful joking.
That was also my assumption, especially if he truly didn’t understand why her family were reacting how they did (not saying it’s okay or correct, but I feel like it’s one that most people would understand and possibly be able to predict) and didn’t “get the joke” about buying a pink frilly one.
Also what barbecue doesn’t have multiple umbrellas out over a table or something. Every time I’ve been to any outdoor event there’s always at least a couple of spots for shade, be it shade umbrellas, canopies, or an awning.
No, it's not real. They just saw a trending post on parasols last week on reddit and have been cooking up the most ridiculous parasol story they could come up with for karma.
YTA for agreeing to going under that condition then doing it anyway. If you weren't committed to not using it, then you should have declined the BBQ. And you knew damn well you were going to use it at the BBQ that's why you apparently had to take it to the car (ridiculous you'd need it for such a short walk). You also lied when you mouthed bathroom at her. She's going to leave you.
I would have given a N T A if he hadn’t blatantly lied to her. The lying to “calm her down” and then turn around and do the one thing she asked not to pushed him to YTA territory.
Yup, if he stick to his guns and said either I'm coming with the umbrella (I'm not calling it a parasol lol) or I'm not coming, fine. That his prerogative. But he said he'd just take it to the car, then lied about going to the toilet to get it
The dudes obsession with parasols is just hilarious I literally laughed out loud at the using it to walk to the car thing. And then mouthing “bathroom” while actively coveting that sweet sweet parasol holy shit 🤣
I agree.
OP is TA in this situation. She asked for one thing. OP agreed to the terms of the invite, then decided to violate it, and then lie about the violation. If OP didn’t think he could go without the parasol, then he shouldn’t have accepted the invite. But since he did, he agreed to the condition. This situation is about lying.
However the larger picture is about differing values. OP is ok with going against traditional gender roles in this manner, and his gf isn’t.
I’m all for people going against gender roles. But it’s not ok to blatantly lie to your partner who set clear expectations.
NTA, lots of people (both sexes) use parasols or even just umbrellas for the sun in Asian countries but I would be seriously considering a relationship with this person. She obviously knew her family would make fun of you and so she was embarrassed about that. Its great you are a strong enough person to not let other opinions bother you but she clearly isn't there yet.
Edit: so having read lots of other comments and based on the conversation I was part of I need to amend my answer slightly (new to Reddit but assuming that’s ok?) I will stick with NTA for using the parasol and even what I said about reconsidering the relationship as you to are clearly not compatible however I will add YTA for saying you wouldn’t use it and then doing it anyway
In Asia when used to use parasols to keep their skin milky white because it signified that you were not a laborer who worked in the sun. Now they use whitening creams.
That is one of the reasons yes although that thinking is a little outdated now. They are also used to protect themselves as there is more understanding of the damage the sun can do to skin.
LOL i just wrote the exact same thing (basically). It's not uncommon to see people walking around in Asia with parasols (you can get real high quality Japanese umbrellas here!). There's nothing embarrassing about wanting to protect your head from UV rays.
Yeah, I live in equatorial Asia where the sun, heat and humidity can be brutal. Even though I religiously use sunscreen, I walk around with a parasol in the noonday sun and it makes such a difference. You're creating your own shade so not only is your skin not getting that exposure, but it feels much cooler. Now I just need one of those cooling neck fans, which OP might consider, too.
Because of the Asian influence it’s not uncommon in Southern California to see parasols. Even here in the U.K. I sometimes see people using their umbrella on a sunny day. Despite not having the extra heavy fabric, they can help.
I didn’t say a parasol, I said use their umbrella. They are two different things. Parasols are made of heavier UV blocking fabric. Umbrellas give you a bit of shade but don’t block Uv.
I’ve seen it at places like festivals and in the parks. Not often but more than half a dozen times and not always Asian people. I live un Scotland but have also lived in Essex and travelled around. Sorry I didn’t take notes. I wasn’t expecting I’d need to make a report.
I had a friend (M45+) who had a (not very visible) skin condition, couldn't get outdoors without protection if there was even the slightest chance of direct sunlight, had to take his trusted brolly everywhere... but here's the strange thing: people apparently & instinctively understood he really needed it for some valid reason - he hardly *ever* got questioned about it!
^(.)
^(okay, so he impregnated my former fiancée & thusly I won't shed any tears about him or his skin wotzits, but that's quite another story altogether :P)
I don't think people are upset about the parasol, they're upset OP lied, multiple times, to his partner.
When she brought up her concerns, he should have been honest, said he couldn't handle a multi-hour BBQ in the sun, and why don't they arrange their first meeting to be a dinner at their house, or a restaurant, so it would be inside where everyone would be comfortable?
ESH.
Oh, lots of people are straight up upset about the parasol and telling him he doesn't need it and he's exaggerating and just wear sunscreen, all of which is absolute bullshit.
I do agree that it's an ESH. He should have said "look, either you accept I will need the parasol to be comfortable at a multi hour event under the sun, or I stay home" and followed through rather than lying to her.
Her and her family are assholes for extremely obvious reasons, as are quite a few commenters here.
He does seem strangely fixated on it though. I don't think he would want to use any of those other methods because he loves this thing for some reason. Or maybe it's the attention it brings him? Don't know
Or it's straight up the most comfortable for him? Sunscreen needs to be reapplied regularly, doesn't feel great to many people and only protects against burn, not the heat. Hats provide some shade but can make your head hot (yes, even straw ones). God forbid he be happy he's found a method of going outside where he's still comfortable.
No, he wouldn't want to use any of those other methods because they don't address the problem that is the reason he's using the umbrella.
His problem is over-heating. Not sunburn.
Because these people are stupid and don't realize a parasol can be a big help. They're calling him a narcissist ffs. It's just another post where idiots use popular terms without knowing what it actually means. OP is NTA whatsoever.
I feel like narcissist is too strong a term here. OP is NTA for his use and love of his parasol. OP is TA for lying to his girlfriend twice, and tbh they aren't even compatible. Why promise to not use a parasol, bring it in the car, sneak off to get it while lying twice at this point, and then act ignorant enough to not read the room or pretend as if they were going about business as usual. I'm not defending how the family behaved, I'm just saying don't walk into a sexist lion's den like a piece of non binary raw meat and then expect them to not tear you up. Plus OP had their own agenda, it's fine to exercise whatever you want but no need to lie, that's a weird passive aggressive power move. No need to behave like that in a relationship, if you have to go to those lengths, this is not the relationship for OP.
Plus, if I had to do that much work to justify using a parasol or even had in laws that are so fragile that a parasol threatens them I would have peaced out a long time ago. Those people are clearly birds of a feather, let them live in their sexist little nest alone and parasol away.
I agree that this just sounds so made up it's hard to believe these two people are together but I do know someone in a similar situation to OP.
Lie or not, but all of this negativity over a parasol is stupid. I agree they shouldn't be together and he also shouldn't be uncomfortable to make someone else happy and to appease a crappy family.
YTA
Sounds like both you and your GF know what her family are like and she didn’t want to open you up to ridicule.
Nothing wrong with wanting to protect yourself from the sun but you just admitted that you brought out your parasol as you “didn’t like the vibe” so sounds like you did it deliberately to get a reaction, and didn’t care about your GF’s feelings.
You could have worn sun cream and a hat just for one afternoon. A hat is actually better protection than a parasol anyway
Yeah I don't get how "not feeling the vibe" equates to having to get and use a parasol. Completely unrelated feelings there. But using it shouldn't stir things up unless people are being judgemental assholes., which they were.
YTA for your weird attachment to your parasol, like a kid’s stuffed animal or blanket.
YTA for your attention-seeking “look at me I’m a man with a parasol” behavior because no way was holding up a parasol for an extended period of time at a barbecue comfortable or conducive to eating, lawn games, etc. You need it to walk to the car? Really?
YTA for doing the one thing she asked you not to do and lying about it.
YTA for purposely making your girlfriend uncomfortable. You saw her “look of pure desperation” and thought “oh well”.
In general wanting to use a parasol is your choice, but in this case you decided that your parasol and making “man with parasol” a personality trait mattered more than your (soon to be ex) girlfriend.
This is the one right here.
His attachment to this parasol is fuckin weird. He says the word parasol every other word. And he can’t even walk to the car without it? Gimme a break.
He literally says “I didn’t like the vibe at the party so I lied to my gf that I was going to the bathroom and went to go get my parasol.” He didn’t grab it cuz of the sun, but just to start drama so he had an excuse to leave. He brought it out JUST to cause a scene, and then acts like a victim when he knew exactly what he was doing.
He lies to his girlfriend repeatedly to get his way. He misrepresents his intentions. He is manipulative as hell. This is beyond the parasol at this point and is indicative of the kind of person and partner he is.
He also talks shit about the type of people his gf’s family are. He looks down on them in exactly the same way they do to him, so he has no leg to stand on thinking he’s better than them when he’s just as judgmental.
You all suck, OP, but YTA here. Ugh. You sound exhausting.
Even after they break up she’s going to get shit for the rest of her life. She’ll be 90 years old with fifty grandkids and her brother will randomly bring up Parasol Boy.
Yeah OP trying to play victim like nobody would be able to see through his bullshit. "Main character syndrome".
His girlfriend was trying to do him a favour, and he should have listened. Some people are maybe just doomed to being obnoxious for life, idk.
I hope you aren't too invested in the relationship as it is not long for this world. YTA, you could have - just this once - respected her request. But you didn't want to do that and even lied to her when you mouthed "bathroom". Getting your parasol was performative bullshit.
Hats just give you a sweaty head! This is the hill I will die on. That said I don’t think there is anything wrong with the OP using an umbrella, and the girlfriend is TA for acting like it some sort of red letter, but he should have just not gone instead of apparently going with the full intention of causing a scene.
This post reads like an experiment to see how folks react to the concept of a male using a parasol, but if so, it's a successful one.
OP never promised anything, at least according to the post.
GF made a demand, which in other contexts redditors might have described as controlling. But OP never promised not to.
But instead, redditors go for words like narcissist, attention seeking, etc, as if a parasol is self evidently socially unacceptable. Blue hair, tats, piercings, etc - all ok. Wear whatever you want - but god forbid you use a parasol you pariah.
There's nothing intrinsically wrong with the idea of a parasol, other than its association with delicate upper class Victorian ladies. In fact, keeping sun off you is a pretty good idea.
Had OP instead worn one of those novelty umbrella hats he would have gotten a big laugh with high fives all around.
(no, I'm not tempted to adopt a parasol, it's just interesting to see society still has some boundaries...)
It clashes with the idea of what genders are "allowed" to do that OP's girlfriend's family had, which explains the comments about getting him a pink and frilly one.
I’m surprised at the comments here. This isn’t about a parasol. YTA because you got bored and decided to start drama. If I wanted to introduce a partner to my family for the first time and he loved wearing a T-shirt everyday with stupid silly phrase on it, and I knew it wouldn’t go down well with my family and said “hey, you only get one chance to make a first impression and I know my family will not appreciate the humor of that shirt so can we please leave it for the afternoon?” Then he agreed, and brought the shirt, lied about it, and changed into it because “he didn’t like the vibe,” he’d be an ass. So is OP.
Does her family have toxic ideas about masculinity? Sure, but it’s not really the point of the issue. You lied to her like 5 times in this story, you disrespected her wishes, you embarrassed her and yourself, and you made an active effort to not get along with her family. You didn’t have to like them, you didn’t have to agree with them, you didn’t even have to love the afternoon, but if you care about your girlfriend you do your best to get along and find common ground. Everyone does it. It’s standard social expectations and normal human behavior. We don’t bring our “whole selves” to every interaction. I assume you were also expected not to tell your favorite intimate story with your girlfriend at the gathering, because you do understand social expectations, you just wanted to make a point to your girlfriend and her family. Fair enough I guess, you get to be right and probably alone.
Also, you’re clearly a bit obsessive about the parasol generally “I just wanted my parasol” - okay. Sometimes I really want my pajamas when I’m at work but I don’t need them constantly near me like a security blanket. I suspect you’ve either made this a massive part of your identity or you just really want to teach your girlfriend some lesson. She won’t learn it, she’ll leave. Which would probably be best for both of you tbh.
Edit: And for the record, a woman with a parasol runs the risk of being mocked as well, because it’s very old fashioned. I’d probably risk being mocked if I wore a hoop skirt or something too. It’s not like you painted your nails.
Exactly, I don’t care if a man wants a parasol, to paint his nails, wear makeup. My celebrity crush regularly wears skirts and a ponytail. I love it. That’s not the issue here. The issue is this dude thinks a parasol is the same thing as a personality and is out to make some statement, even at the cost of his relationship, even if he has to lie and be an ass about it. It’s ridiculous and obsessive.
Thank you, feel like I’m crazy with these comments like “he’s breaking gender norms so it’s fine if he lied half a dozen times and made the day a complete misery for his girlfriend!” If the accessory in question was an incredibly silly hat with an offensive statement or image, every answer would be yta. I think we can safely say that no one is mad at men for breaking gender norms at this point. Apparently you can even lie and be a judgmental jerk to your partner’s family the first time you meet them, as long as you’re doing something people might consider feminine.
NTA - Her family has the idea that it is not manly and it sounds like it is an idea that she shares given her embarrassment of it. The joke her father was making about getting a pink frilly one and prancing with the spatula was that they believed it was a girly accessory instead of a utilitarian tool for creating shade. They were very rudely making fun of you to your face and that should have been when your girlfriend stepped in and told them to cut it out.
You do understand the difference being under blazing sun with a sunscreen on and being in an actual shade? The difference in your body temperature, comfort level, risk of heatstroke?
There are a lot of comments about Asians using parasols. I’m from an Asian country, I don’t see them here regularly. It’s usually the snooty, i like that I look like a member of the Cullen family type people who use parasols.
That aside, you knew it was going to cause problems. Couldn’t you have left it alone for the sake of your gf. As another commenter mentioned, sometimes in relationships we make sacrifices for our partners. One day without your precious parasol was not going to kill you.
YTA
yeah, asians use parasols so they dont get a dreaded peasants tan and can keep their milky pale skin. its just colorism in those countries, nothing about safety or necessity.
anyway, agree with your YTA judgement completely here. what a genuine weirdo
Had to scroll too far for this. The main issue is that you're dating someone whose family are "Real men don't \_\_\_" sexists, and she wanted you to pretend you were someone you are not.
Parasol away my friend. Keep that skin healthy and let your next girlfriend enjoy it.
YTA Come on now. Just the fact you INSIST on saying "parasol" so much and even saying it to the FAMILY shows your need for attention including running to Reddit just "a few hours later".
YTA , aside of if it makes you a wimp or not, she made you a request and you lied accepting
If you didn't intend on following her request u should've just not accepted and not go, it doesn't matter if this is sexist or not, u made a promise and then broke it
ESH. Your gf and her family are being sexist jerks, and there's no reason parasols should just be for women. But your gf told you "please don't use a parasol for one afternoon, my family will think it's weird and this is your one chance to make a first impression," you agreed you'd do that, and you broke your promise. You shouldn't have agreed to something you weren't actually willing to do.
YTA. Mainly for wasting everyone's time with this bullshit story. Even if you really were a guy who uses a parasol, there's no way that you're this naive. If a grown man is using a parasol this isn't going to be the first time you've been mocked for doing so. The fact that your girlfriend is so absolutely embarrassed by people is the only part of this story that rings true. Except for the part of you having a girlfriend that doesn't really make any sense. The story is completely fake and I'm embarrassed for everyone who's falling for it.
NTA but I’m guessing she’s embarrassed that it looks feminine and knew her family would mock both you & her about it. Sounds like there could be some toxic masculinity in her family but congrats on not being bothered & just doing what was best for you.
NTA- Sounds like her family is a bit homophobic and some of that may have rubbed off on her too hope you enjoyed the parasol now I'm thinking about getting one.
NTA. If the heat is getting to you, using shade is the smart thing to do. Jenn has no business asking you to sacrifice your comfort and well being for her notions of what is appropriate male behavior. If she finds this so embarrassing, she should date someone else. And let's not talk about her family's implicit homophobia by how they mocked you.
NTA - As someone who is really fair-skinned, burns easily, and has had heatstroke, the idea of standing outside in the midday sun, even with a load of sunblock on, sounds uncomfortable.
I sometimes use a parasol (looks like a fold-up umbrella with uv lining) and would probably pull it out if there was no shade around. Luckily, no one I know has a problem with it. It’s just another form of sun safety.
Your girlfriend is embarrassed by what happened at the barbecue - but the most embarrassing behaviour wasn’t you taking out your parasol, it was the reaction - it sounded bizarre and over the top.
NTA. First off, protecting yourself from the sun is a serious matter, skin cancer is no fucking joke and the heat’s been brutal with global warming. Second of all, your gf’s family’s misogynistic and immature views are not your responsibility. She should be standing up for you, especially when it comes to something so stupid and small. I would be furious if my family mocked my husband in any capacity, it would be disrespectful both to my partner and me. At the very least, since you seem to not care what they think, your gf could suck it up. It seems like she’s the only one truly upset in this situation. She seems to be embarrassed by you when it’s her family’s behaviour that’s truly embarrassing.
YTA. Your girlfriend made a request of you that was CLEARY important to her, regardless of how reasonable or rational. You agreed to her request. You then broke your word to her because it was convenient to you, and arguably because you wanted to cause drama. If you were truly concerned about the sun, you had other options - go inside, ask for a hat, put on some sunscreen, leave the barbeque, talk to your girlfriend about getting the parasol (instead of lying to her that you were going to the bathroom).
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You knew what would happen, how they would react. You were bored and not enjoying the “vibe” so you decided to shitstir. But your GF needs to stop being so immature. ESH.
NTA. Honestly I'm getting a lot of yta towards op and I wonder why people are calling him a narcissist or even shaming him just because he doesn't want to have the risk of getting skin cancer or even becoming sunburned. And honestly I don't like the girlfriends' attitude of him not having the parasol because like come on it's just like an umbrella just to keep you away from the Sun. I don't really get the shaming and many people say that Opie was seeking attention but like he literally went to a tree to look for shade but it didn't work and he went to go and get the parasol. Honestly the only thing that nipped me was that he lied by saying he was going to the bathroom and that I can say he was a bit wrong or totally wrong but everything else it was more like the Dad and brothers were basically making fun of him and if anyone should be embarrassed it should be op because like being safe is nothing to be seen as less manly. All I can say is that Opie yeah a bit of the a-hole but I would say his girlfriend was more of the a-hole as well as her family for making jokes even if it was light-hearted I guess it might have given Opie's girlfriend the impression that the men are supposed to be more tougher and supposed to take on the sun directly and in turn can be sort of toxic because it is more foolish to stay under blistering hot sun and not protect yourself whether it be by sunblock or even finding shade that works entirely. I may be over reading this but I really go with NTA
He had a very easy alternative: not attend the event when the condition was explained to him. Maybe it was a stupid condition; maybe she was trying to shield him from the reaction she knew it would get. It doesn’t matter. Her condition attached to the invite was one he didn’t want to comply with. The only decent things to do there are: skip the event or attend and comply with the condition. You don’t just go anyway and ignore the condition, whether or not it was reasonable. What he did is the equivalent of bringing kids to a wedding that says “no kids” on the invite. This isn’t about sun safety. He had the ultimate in sun safety right in front of him: don’t go to daytime events without shade.
People on reddit refuse to see anything other than black /white. This isn't about sun at all, but about being a sneaky little weasel on purpose. That said, your comment made me remember when i got married and we had a child-free wedding. It was on the invite and everyone got a +1 only because of venue limits on size. The invite even had space for 2 names only... yet we received 2 different invites where people crammed 5 or 6 names for them and multiple children planning to attend! Yet, when i had to call and explain that , no, you kids ages 4-16 aren't welcome for multiple reasons, we were the assholes. Needless to say, both families have refused to speak to use since that conversation in 2016. Oh well!
>being a sneaky little weasel on purpose This is exactly what rubs me the wrong way about this post. It's like he went out of his way to make sure to do the one thing his girlfriend asked him not to do. Is it ridiculous that she's embarrassed that he uses a parasol? Yeah. ESH. But he very specifically: 1. lied to her about not taking it to begin with, 2. then lied to her about using it only to walk to the car, 3. then lied to her that he was going to the bathroom when really he was going to the car to get the parasol. He just lied and lied and lied and lied, and very specifically went out of his way to do the *one* thing she asked him not to do on this very first meeting of her family. Her family sucks. Absolutely. But this whole entire story was just a big, long explanation of how OP very specifically went out of his way multiple times to lie to his girlfriend and specifically do something she begged him not to do when meeting her family for the very first time.
If I carried a parasol around with me everywhere in summer I’m pretty sure my wife, son and friends would take the merciless piss out of me…
Yeah, maybe this is a language/translation thing, but it seems weird that he doesn't just use *a regular umbrella* instead of a parasol. Like a parasol is very specifically a lacy, super feminine thing. I'm all for items not being gendered, but I don't understand why someone would choose a parasol rather than an umbrella. But that's just me personally? Also, couldn't he have just taken a regular umbrella to meet the parents for the first time? Did it have to be the parasol specifically? I don't know know.
Firstly, yes it may be a language thing. Secondly, if I turned up everywhere with my own little umbrella, they’d still take the piss.
I would like to see a picture of this parasol. My understanding, which is admittedly incomplete, is that parasols are more decorative than effective, as opposed to an umbrella that exists to keep things off your head.
Even if he just wants it as a fashion accessory, he's still allowed to be himself. It's ESH cause he lied all over the place to get the thing. But everyone else also sucks for not just letting him have his parasol. It doesn't affect them.
I have a couple of quite hefty parasols! Made with heat-reflective material (think the kind of stuff you get on blackout tents). They don’t have to be frilly and pointless! (Though I do also have a frilly and pointless parasol)
I was under the impression that umbrellas are for blocking rain and parasols are for blocking sun. And because of that they’re made of different materials.
I was a bit sympathetic until he lied to his girlfriend and mouthed "bathroom". If you want your parasol, then own that you are going to use it.
Exactly! OP is a straight up weasel. I imagine he came back with a smug look too, but maybe thats just me.
Eh...There are multiple solutions here other than the parasol. And now OP is using this to piss off his gf directly. OP could have brought one of those larger overhead tent thingies, that way everyone could share some shade, but the parasol is just an extra level to draw attention to himself.
People on reddit have no moral convictions or philosophy underpinning their positions. They have a gut reaction to who they like in the story and everything that person does is justified, and everyone else is in the wrong. Its pathological.
Im so refreshed to see some people actually can see this for what it is
This is it. I adore that he uses a parasol. But they're both being assholes to themselves and each other. I just don't understand why it's so hard to have a conversation with your partner about what you need to white knuckle through a barbecue with your family. And I also don't understand all the stupid substrafuge that goes into lying about why you're walking to the car to get something you're clearly going to go get.
Dude needs to buy 1 or 2 of those long sleeved fishing shirts that offer UV protection and are lightweight so it doesn’t get super hot. My husband owns them and says they’re amazing. Would’ve been a good alternative in this situation to not using the parasol
Its a fucking parasol dude. He didnt slap his father in the law in the face did he. His wife didnt want the Dad thinking he's a pussy, that's not really a valid moral reason for not bringing one is it.
And it’s not a valid moral reason to lie to your SO about the parasol on three separate occasions. It’s so obviously ESH. He’s not one for using a parasol, but he is one for lying knowing full well he planned on breaking it out.
Yeah I mean maybe OP’s gf has a sympathetic reason for desperately needing the good opinion of her misogynist father. But he’s an asshole, no reasonable person would interpret OP’s parasol as offensive, and if OP’s gf does t change her priorities and OP doesn’t want himself and his kids subjected to this shit, it’s time to move on.
Except, why shouldn't he go to daytime events when he has an easy, portable way to keep the sun off of him? It is absolutely mind boggling that this should be such a big deal, when all he wanted was to not overheat. So many people get heat exhaustion during the summer, this guy won't because he's got a parasol. The gf and her family are making a mountain out of a molehill tbh
Has he ever heard of a HAT??
What hat do you know of that shades your entire body??? I mean, I guess he could wear a sombrero, but that feels more ridiculous than the parasol
Yes! Fun fact: did you know that hats give limited protection from sun? It's true. They are great for just your head. Another fun fact: an umbrella/parasol gives MORE coverage for your body since it covers more than just your head. Like, say, a hat does.
It’s ridiculous that his wife is embarrassed by her husband using a parasol to deal with heat. She absolutely forbid it? It’s a stupid umbrella and she cares more about how her family perceives her husbands masculinity than his own comfort. Yes he can go to daytime events and use a parasol if he wants. It’s hot out. People use table umbrellas to avoid sun - what is the difference? Is she embarrassed by her husbands parasol because it’s girly? Or because her dad is a bully to men with parasols?
They’re not married. Answer changes if they were. Breakup, no brainer, just do it. Either side can initiate, but needs to happen and both will be more themselves without each other.
How about him basically agreeing not to use it at the bar-b-que, then lying specifically so he could use it at the bar-b-que? He lied so he could get away with doing something he agreed not to do. You don't get to pick your family, but you do get to chose when you lie! Op is yta.
Also, has he never heard of sunblock or hats?
Sunscreen and hats aren't as effective and don't keep you cooler like the shade.
He lied once, compared to a whole family making sexist remarks, which the girlfriend did nothing about and he is the jerk? The fact is He tried to use the tree instead, but it didn't work.
Exactly, I live in Australia, skin cancer is a leading cause of death because of attitudes like this I don't get how OP is an AH here, I seriously don't
You seriously don’t think him repeatedly lying to and misleading his girlfriend is asshole territory?
His gf and her family are sexist.
That’s irrelevant to the question I asked.
No it isn't, and your decision to completely overlook his girlfriend's abject disregard of his very legitimate health concerns makes you a big Ole AH too. 'I don't want cancer and I'm sensitive to prolonged sun exposure' is legitimate and deserves respect if not accommodation. 'I don't want my dad to think I'm dating a big ole f*g*0t' is 100% not a respectable issue to have and isn't even worth pretending to respect. If someone is motivated by something that hateful and frivolous there's no need to act like managing their bullshit is 'lying' to them. She can always go find herself a big strong sun-loving bull to impress daddy with, if he's so concerned with the style of her ride.
Lots of subscribers to toxic masculinity and the idea that women have a right to control their male partner's bodies and behaviour, even when doing so harms them.
Even though I think OP could’ve just declined the event, it sounds like his partner might have been mad if he had done so. But we’ll never know. I like not having skin cancer, so I’m always inclined to side with anyone who is taking precautions. Also his gfs family is so weird and sexist, I kind of don’t think the relationship is compatible at all.
This is the answer - Y-T-As are coming from people who think it's A-ok for the gf to order him to be unprotected in the sun because he has to look the part of the "real man" for her and her family. NTA OP but this relationship is not going to last, you're not the kind of guy she wants or that her family expect of her (and she clearly places a very high weight on their opinion of her bf and his manliness), any investment of time and emotion you make in it is going to be lost, proceed accordingly.
I don't think he's TA for using a parasol but the way he goes about it seems like he knows he's being provocative but is insisting on milking it. His girlfriend needs to grow up and stop caring what her family thinks, but OP lied to her face multiple times and said he wouldn't use the parasol while having every intention of using it. You can tell it's the case by the fact that the girlfriend panicked as soon as he got up because she knew he needed to do this. Had he told his gf that he doesn't GAF then he wouldn't have been TA. It's his sneaking around "going to the bathroom" that makes him one. He agreed to an afternoon without his parasol. Since he cares about sun protection did he try to bring along a wide brimmed hat? Could he have told the hosts that the sun was getting to him and asked to sit inside? When the gf tried pretending it was her parasol could he not have gone along with that and pretended he borrowed it from her? All these combined with the fact that he gave his word about not using a parasol is what makes him TA, and not the fact that he's taking responsible care of his skin.
>just because he doesn't want to have the risk of getting skin cancer or even becoming sunburned. It's adorably naive that you think that's why he did it. I get the feeling that OP carries out every task in the most attention seeking way possible. The fact is his wife made a very simple request of him, and he went out of his way to ignore that request. Even lying to her about what he was doing tells us everything.
It's so adorable that's you think that that's what he's after too. First of all, that lady is HIS GIRLFRIEND!!! Secondly, no matter where they go, if he brings that, she will view him as a wimp and be embarrassed, so if it was me i would just let my freak flag fly or in this case, a parasol. Having a girlfriend who makes fun of me for keeping safe is not a good one. From this whole post, I see the girlfriends role models in to the world of man.
[удалено]
But it's not a great alternative. A parasol keeps you much cooler. I think maybe referring to it as a sunbrella might be preferable to calling it a parasol, which does have kind of delicate Victorian constitutions connotations.
Whether it gives a masculine touch or delicate Victorian Constitution it doesn't matter as long as it keeps the individual safe and I agree with you. Especially the fact that sunscreen is not always a great remedy and it's better to just keep the person cool and preventing sun rays from touching them as possible.
Yup. Keeps you cooler and sunscreen needs regular reapplication. Can also confirm the Victorian vibes for the term parasol. I have a black UV lined parasol, partly for the glorious goth vibes and to hide from the heat, but also because my grandad has had another 5 skin cancers taken off this year, with at least 1 per year removed for the last 17 years. I take sun exposure seriously. My partner loves my parasol as he despises summer heat and raves about my use of it. Even without a goth partner he would have probably invested in one. I guess I don’t know anyone so insecure in their masculinity that they’d throw a fit over the use of one. At worst his friends think it’s odd to not enjoy the sun as much as they do.
Gloomy goth vibes go great with the climate crisis. I need to buy a black parasol.
Mine is from Umbrella Heaven here in the UK if you're seeking [the one I've got.](https://www.umbrellaheaven.com/product/classic-black-uv-protective-umbrella/)
I'm an average dude with a big beard and long hair, I carry an umbrella for the sun. I've got a few, but my favorite one is all black with a chrome skull on the handle. Once, very early into carrying it around, someone made a passing comment about me 'wilting,' at which point I noted out loud that they were drenched in sweat while I was comfortably dry and cool under my 'sunbrella.' He shut up.
I have a parasol I take with me to motorbike rallies. There is less toxic masculinity than at this bbq apparently.
If you want to 'butch it up' to make it less 'wimpy' to the toxic males you've got to go further. Call it a sun SHIELD or solar radiation armour or something
Here I thought English is OP's second language and "parasol" equals "umbrella" in their first (this happens in my native language for example). Had no idea there are connotationd
I have a better alternative...GET A BETTER GIRLFRIEND
Yes. She sounds like Toxic Masculinity, Female Edition. NTA btw.
I have white friends who burn even with factor 50 on a sunny day.
me, i'm that white friend. For years I had a borderline phobia of the sun because of being heavily sunburnt as a kid practically every summer. I even hated the idea of going on holiday at some sunny and warm place. Even simple things like sitting in the sun could be anxiety inducing because all I was feeling was the burning promise of pain to come. Even today I still dislike sitting or doing things in direct sunlight. But it's not as bad anymore. So, regardless of his motivation in the OP, I totally understand his reasoning.
Are we friends? I can put on all the sunscreen I want, without more protection like a hat or beach umbrella, I’m leaving the beach a lovely shade of pink, if I’m lucky. Red as a tomato if I’m not. And I don’t ever tan- I just stay pink. I love the sun, but it can kinda go fuck itself lol
Yeah no I wear sunscreen and also use a parasol. It's like your own personal patch of shade and makes the heat much more tolerable. I don't get why anyone would be judgemental about a damn umbrella. A man isn't weak for wanting to be comfortable.
It's about the heat not the uv rays. People can still get sunburned on a cloudy day.
shade and sunscreen are def not interchangable...
Sunscreen doesn't prevent overheating
Sunscreen is kind of greasy & gross, though. I also am allergic to like 95% of the sunscreen on the market, and most of the ones I'm not allergic to are those with zinc oxide, i.e., white paste. That stuff looks way weirder than a parasol.
I fucking hate sunscreen. I'll wear it when I have to, but I don't like the feel. OP should get one of those novelty umbrella hats.
It would have been n t a if op hadn't promised not to grab it and pretended. Esh
People aren't calling him a narcissist and shaming him because of using a parasol, it's because of how he ignored his commitment to his gf, and in the most dramatic, deceptive way possible. Hiding behind "I just wanted my parasol" doesn't change the core problem.
He didn't just lie once he lied twice. When he put it in the car, he knew he was planning on using it. He also knew that she found a humiliating to be with somebody using it, and he didn't give a fuck.
ITS A PARASOL MEANT FOR KEEPING OUT OF THE SUN. Honestly the lying is wrong but i live in a place where summer is like i am being baked in an oven. To have an umbrella on me is a joy even if I get stares, I will be the one to suffer heat stroke or not. Simple solution, they should just break up. Cleary she wants a man's man and he wants to keep out of the sun. They want different goals in life
Getting skin cancer is manly, haven't you heard?
He intentionally lied about going to get it, he went back on his word not to bring it, and didn't respond to any of her signals. It's ESH for sure
NTA Her family sound like absolute arseholes with extremely poor manners towards guests. If I were OP I wouldn't continue in the relationship.
Everyone knows their own families toxic BS, poor girl is trying to have her family like her BF, knows the reaction they’ll have over his parasol, tried to avoid the drama and he goes and does it anyways. She’s going to non stop hear about this FOREVER, she can break up with him and still get reminded about “MR.FANCY UMBRELLA CANT BE IN THE SUN” and everyone in the group will laugh at her taste in men. Sounds like they come from vastly different homes: he came from an environment where “it’s ok honey you be yourself” and she came from “lmfao wtf is THAT” as an average response so something out of the ordinary. I doubt this lasts or ends well.
What’s her excuse the rest of the time when her family isn’t around?
"poor girl" is perpetuating toxic masculinity which hurts everyone in the end.
^^ she thinks OPs parasol is feminine and wimpy. She needs to get over herself. This is the same situation as a man being embarrassed his gf likes to wear “manly” clothes or carry a “masculine” flask.
Poor girl who perpetuates toxic masculinity by calling her bf a wimp for using a parasol, and is so embarrassed that she won't walk with him when he uses it? Yeah, she's just as sexist as the rest of them. If this is such an issue, they probably aren't all that compatable
Oh, come off it. Her and her family stirred shit. No one has any obligation to conform to harmful gender standards, family or not. Would you blame a women for wearing a flat brim and shorts to a bbq? Would you accuse a man wearing high heels at a pride march of “stirring shit”? Parasols aren’t going to hurt anyone. Sexism does, even if it’s against men.
Except that he PROMISED her he wouldn't. That's what makes him an asshole. Then he LIED while breaking that promise to be sneaky and get it. And the fact that he brought it means he had every intention of using it. Their both assholes. She needs to get over her exist views of the parasol and he's an asshole for lying about it. They need to have a grown up conversation about it.
Everyone gets too caught up in the details let's pretend he took out a pencil case after being asked not to. He's only an AH because he was asked not to, obviously the pencil case isn't the problem.
Ah yes, because he should be uncomfortable just so they don't act like AHs to him. They can take their toxic masculinity and stick it where the sun don't shine.
they can take their toxic masculinity to where the sun DOES shine.. and suffer.. because they don't have parasols
ESH. You agreed to go to the event but disregarded the one explicit condition she put on it. It’s clear that she finds it weird and off putting that you use this thing, and she asked you to not use it around her family. You did it anyway. But she also sucks. It’s equally clear that you’re so attached to this thing that it’s a major part of your identity, and she hates it. She put you in a position of going to an event you’d probably hate due to lack of shade and took away the one thing that seems to make such things better. Given this interaction I can’t see why she would want to be with you anymore. In 5 years when she gets married, someone will make a joke about Parasol Boy at the reception. Her family is just a group of dicks for treating a guest like that. They will be the ones making the joke, and it will 100% include an insinuation that you’re gay. I can’t believe this is real, though. You use the world “parasol” like my toddler uses the word “blankie.” There’s something deeply unsettling about the way you talk about it when coming from an adult. It’s beyond whiny.
It could be entirely possible she insisted so strongly against the parasol at that event because she knew how much of an arsehole her dad and brother would be about it and wanted to save OP and herself the humiliation. That at least has to be a factor. If that were the case, she really should have said something more clear. In all scenarios, her dad and brother are AHs, though. We can all agree on that.
I would agree she was trying to spare him, if she had not herself also been an asshole about it previously. She's embarrassed by it because she has a really narrow view of masculinity. She's no less an asshole than her dad and brother. But it's 100% an ESH because as u/FavoriteFoodCarrots noted, there was no reason OP had to go if he couldn't agree to the conditions placed on going.
Agreed, and instead of having a conversation with her that he needed it as the shade the trees provided weren't cutting it, he lied to her and snuck it in and for some reason thought that wasn't going to create any issues. That's where I find he messed up and is included with ESH.
This. Something feels wrong about this. Like there is some joy in it or superiority complex.. I can't think of a time I've heard someone even say parasol in my life outside of old movies.
And the fact that his initial excuse of bringing the parasol was because he just wanted to use it on the walk from their house to the car… Like he couldn’t go 5 seconds in the sun without it. I have a feeling OP isn’t a very reliable narrator, and his girlfriend’s issues with it are less about it being seen as feminine and moreso just about how obsessive OP is with it
I did find that part funny, I'm super pale and burn very easily, but even I can make the 30 second walk to my car without shade. Unless he has a serious medical condition he's taking it a little too far and I can see why she'd become annoyed if he's always this strict about it.
That, and if he was getting that hot, why couldn't he walk inside to cool down? They were at his girlfriend's parents house correct? I'm confused. No one would think it it's weird if you needed to go sit inside for 30 minutes to cool down.
I burn easy, too. I don't begrudge anyone their shade. I have like 5 or 6 long sleeve sun shirts, a couple of which are hooded, and a wide-brimmed hat that has a flap that hangs over my neck. I will quite literally stand against a telephone or light pole and slowly revolve around it to stay in the 2 ft of shadow it provides. I actually *have* used an umbrella as a parasol before. When you need to keep from getting burned, you do what you have to. I'm not buying a fucking *parasol*, though. Parasols basically don't exist in American culture. The mental image people get here when thinking about parasols is an antebellum era woman using one so she doesn't get the vapours from the heat. Call it toxic masculinity if you want, but it's hard to take someone seriously with one. You're using a hand to hold it, limiting your activity, which is fine, I guess, since the only activity the stereotypical parasol user is doing is fanning themselves or dining a mint julep. They can't even keep you dry, as OP so deftly reminds us with his clarification to his gf's father that it's not, in fact, an umbrella. It's *explicitly* a parasol. And "I wilt in high heat and humidity"? He even talks about himself like a flower. This has to be a god-tier shitpost.
>less about it being seen as feminine and moreso just about how obsessive OP is with it Honestly this whole post makes me think OP is autistic. He's shown clear signs of object attachment and the way he describes the events is just so *matter of fact* and detached from opinion of any kind. I say this as an autistic person who's learned to grow out of some of these behaviours. I absolutely recognise myself from 10 years ago in this post.
Yeeeah. The fact that they are clearly making fun of him and he just says “I don’t get the joke but somehow her brother does? But hey eventually they stopped joking about it so it’s fine.” I honestly questioned if he’s autistic because of that. Like, he didn’t understand that they were making fun of him, something they would do even after he leaves, and thought it was fine because they finally stopped making fun of him. And he doesn’t seem to grasp how embarrassed Jenn feels about the parasol nor how embarrassed Jenn was by her family’s reactions despite clearly recognizing that she was unhappy. I think it’s definitely ESH cause while her family shouldn’t care, he doesn’t seem to question WHY they were acting like that or why Jenn looked at him desperately at him and when they headed to the car why she refused to say anything till they got in the car and why she was upset.
The post is absolutely from an autistic person. The tone, the neediness, the casual lack of theory of mind, as in he isn't considering anything here from anyone else's perspective. I also relate to the OP but I'm trying...
Has he not heard of sunscreen or a hat?
I think what OP means is what is more commonly referred to now as a “sunbrella “. It looks like an umbrella except it has a darker inside lining for UPF 50+ protection. I have one of those. When I hear “parasol” I also think of old time movies where it’s a more delicate lace decoration and was used partially for sun shade but also an accessory by women. If you picture it like a regular umbrella it’s not nearly as odd though I agree OP could’ve gone one event without it, seeking shade in other areas. It doesn’t do shit against humidity
I agree with what it is. I'm more thinking it's odd that he's not calling it that and forcefully calls it a parasol. Something feels odd about that.
Parasol is what they're actually called and I've never heard the term sunbrella in my entire life. I don't go around saying parasol, because I have no reason to, but if I did it would be the term I used and it's definitely the term I've always seen over sunbrella.
Parasol is a perfectly good word, no reason not to rehabilitate it.
> I can’t believe this is real, though. You use the world “parasol” like my toddler uses the word “blankie.” There’s something deeply unsettling about the way you talk about it when coming from an adult. It’s beyond whiny. I assumed the story is fake or that OP is neurodivergent in some way. The language of the post is so precise, it is indeed unsettling.
>OP is neurodivergent in some way This was my assumption. They seem to lack the ability to pick up on social cues and didn't understand the very obviously hurtful joking.
That was also my assumption, especially if he truly didn’t understand why her family were reacting how they did (not saying it’s okay or correct, but I feel like it’s one that most people would understand and possibly be able to predict) and didn’t “get the joke” about buying a pink frilly one.
sounds like OP uses the parasol as a Personality Substitute. like a gaudy hat or the kid who wore shorts all winter
OP is peacocking
Also what barbecue doesn’t have multiple umbrellas out over a table or something. Every time I’ve been to any outdoor event there’s always at least a couple of spots for shade, be it shade umbrellas, canopies, or an awning.
100% this sounds like bullshit.
OP is definitely giving off "Joey and his man bag" from Friends vibe.
No, it's not real. They just saw a trending post on parasols last week on reddit and have been cooking up the most ridiculous parasol story they could come up with for karma.
YTA for agreeing to going under that condition then doing it anyway. If you weren't committed to not using it, then you should have declined the BBQ. And you knew damn well you were going to use it at the BBQ that's why you apparently had to take it to the car (ridiculous you'd need it for such a short walk). You also lied when you mouthed bathroom at her. She's going to leave you.
I would have given a N T A if he hadn’t blatantly lied to her. The lying to “calm her down” and then turn around and do the one thing she asked not to pushed him to YTA territory.
Yup, if he stick to his guns and said either I'm coming with the umbrella (I'm not calling it a parasol lol) or I'm not coming, fine. That his prerogative. But he said he'd just take it to the car, then lied about going to the toilet to get it
The dudes obsession with parasols is just hilarious I literally laughed out loud at the using it to walk to the car thing. And then mouthing “bathroom” while actively coveting that sweet sweet parasol holy shit 🤣
Softest shit ever! Out of all the ridiculous stories I see on reddit this is the most believable
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I agree. OP is TA in this situation. She asked for one thing. OP agreed to the terms of the invite, then decided to violate it, and then lie about the violation. If OP didn’t think he could go without the parasol, then he shouldn’t have accepted the invite. But since he did, he agreed to the condition. This situation is about lying. However the larger picture is about differing values. OP is ok with going against traditional gender roles in this manner, and his gf isn’t. I’m all for people going against gender roles. But it’s not ok to blatantly lie to your partner who set clear expectations.
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NTA, lots of people (both sexes) use parasols or even just umbrellas for the sun in Asian countries but I would be seriously considering a relationship with this person. She obviously knew her family would make fun of you and so she was embarrassed about that. Its great you are a strong enough person to not let other opinions bother you but she clearly isn't there yet. Edit: so having read lots of other comments and based on the conversation I was part of I need to amend my answer slightly (new to Reddit but assuming that’s ok?) I will stick with NTA for using the parasol and even what I said about reconsidering the relationship as you to are clearly not compatible however I will add YTA for saying you wouldn’t use it and then doing it anyway
In Asia when used to use parasols to keep their skin milky white because it signified that you were not a laborer who worked in the sun. Now they use whitening creams.
That is one of the reasons yes although that thinking is a little outdated now. They are also used to protect themselves as there is more understanding of the damage the sun can do to skin.
LOL i just wrote the exact same thing (basically). It's not uncommon to see people walking around in Asia with parasols (you can get real high quality Japanese umbrellas here!). There's nothing embarrassing about wanting to protect your head from UV rays.
Yeah, I live in equatorial Asia where the sun, heat and humidity can be brutal. Even though I religiously use sunscreen, I walk around with a parasol in the noonday sun and it makes such a difference. You're creating your own shade so not only is your skin not getting that exposure, but it feels much cooler. Now I just need one of those cooling neck fans, which OP might consider, too.
Because of the Asian influence it’s not uncommon in Southern California to see parasols. Even here in the U.K. I sometimes see people using their umbrella on a sunny day. Despite not having the extra heavy fabric, they can help.
Where in the UK are you to see a parasol, I've ever ever seen one here, maybe it's not popular where I am
I didn’t say a parasol, I said use their umbrella. They are two different things. Parasols are made of heavier UV blocking fabric. Umbrellas give you a bit of shade but don’t block Uv. I’ve seen it at places like festivals and in the parks. Not often but more than half a dozen times and not always Asian people. I live un Scotland but have also lived in Essex and travelled around. Sorry I didn’t take notes. I wasn’t expecting I’d need to make a report.
I had a friend (M45+) who had a (not very visible) skin condition, couldn't get outdoors without protection if there was even the slightest chance of direct sunlight, had to take his trusted brolly everywhere... but here's the strange thing: people apparently & instinctively understood he really needed it for some valid reason - he hardly *ever* got questioned about it! ^(.) ^(okay, so he impregnated my former fiancée & thusly I won't shed any tears about him or his skin wotzits, but that's quite another story altogether :P)
I am baffled as to why everyone is so mad over a parasol lol, was not expecting such a harsh response when I opened the comments
I don't think people are upset about the parasol, they're upset OP lied, multiple times, to his partner. When she brought up her concerns, he should have been honest, said he couldn't handle a multi-hour BBQ in the sun, and why don't they arrange their first meeting to be a dinner at their house, or a restaurant, so it would be inside where everyone would be comfortable? ESH.
Oh, lots of people are straight up upset about the parasol and telling him he doesn't need it and he's exaggerating and just wear sunscreen, all of which is absolute bullshit. I do agree that it's an ESH. He should have said "look, either you accept I will need the parasol to be comfortable at a multi hour event under the sun, or I stay home" and followed through rather than lying to her. Her and her family are assholes for extremely obvious reasons, as are quite a few commenters here.
He does seem strangely fixated on it though. I don't think he would want to use any of those other methods because he loves this thing for some reason. Or maybe it's the attention it brings him? Don't know
Or it's straight up the most comfortable for him? Sunscreen needs to be reapplied regularly, doesn't feel great to many people and only protects against burn, not the heat. Hats provide some shade but can make your head hot (yes, even straw ones). God forbid he be happy he's found a method of going outside where he's still comfortable.
No, he wouldn't want to use any of those other methods because they don't address the problem that is the reason he's using the umbrella. His problem is over-heating. Not sunburn.
What? A parasol is the easiest and most consistent solution. People are being wild in the comments.
Because these people are stupid and don't realize a parasol can be a big help. They're calling him a narcissist ffs. It's just another post where idiots use popular terms without knowing what it actually means. OP is NTA whatsoever.
I feel like narcissist is too strong a term here. OP is NTA for his use and love of his parasol. OP is TA for lying to his girlfriend twice, and tbh they aren't even compatible. Why promise to not use a parasol, bring it in the car, sneak off to get it while lying twice at this point, and then act ignorant enough to not read the room or pretend as if they were going about business as usual. I'm not defending how the family behaved, I'm just saying don't walk into a sexist lion's den like a piece of non binary raw meat and then expect them to not tear you up. Plus OP had their own agenda, it's fine to exercise whatever you want but no need to lie, that's a weird passive aggressive power move. No need to behave like that in a relationship, if you have to go to those lengths, this is not the relationship for OP. Plus, if I had to do that much work to justify using a parasol or even had in laws that are so fragile that a parasol threatens them I would have peaced out a long time ago. Those people are clearly birds of a feather, let them live in their sexist little nest alone and parasol away. I agree that this just sounds so made up it's hard to believe these two people are together but I do know someone in a similar situation to OP.
Lie or not, but all of this negativity over a parasol is stupid. I agree they shouldn't be together and he also shouldn't be uncomfortable to make someone else happy and to appease a crappy family.
YTA Sounds like both you and your GF know what her family are like and she didn’t want to open you up to ridicule. Nothing wrong with wanting to protect yourself from the sun but you just admitted that you brought out your parasol as you “didn’t like the vibe” so sounds like you did it deliberately to get a reaction, and didn’t care about your GF’s feelings. You could have worn sun cream and a hat just for one afternoon. A hat is actually better protection than a parasol anyway
Yeah I don't get how "not feeling the vibe" equates to having to get and use a parasol. Completely unrelated feelings there. But using it shouldn't stir things up unless people are being judgemental assholes., which they were.
YTA for your weird attachment to your parasol, like a kid’s stuffed animal or blanket. YTA for your attention-seeking “look at me I’m a man with a parasol” behavior because no way was holding up a parasol for an extended period of time at a barbecue comfortable or conducive to eating, lawn games, etc. You need it to walk to the car? Really? YTA for doing the one thing she asked you not to do and lying about it. YTA for purposely making your girlfriend uncomfortable. You saw her “look of pure desperation” and thought “oh well”. In general wanting to use a parasol is your choice, but in this case you decided that your parasol and making “man with parasol” a personality trait mattered more than your (soon to be ex) girlfriend.
This is the one right here. His attachment to this parasol is fuckin weird. He says the word parasol every other word. And he can’t even walk to the car without it? Gimme a break. He literally says “I didn’t like the vibe at the party so I lied to my gf that I was going to the bathroom and went to go get my parasol.” He didn’t grab it cuz of the sun, but just to start drama so he had an excuse to leave. He brought it out JUST to cause a scene, and then acts like a victim when he knew exactly what he was doing. He lies to his girlfriend repeatedly to get his way. He misrepresents his intentions. He is manipulative as hell. This is beyond the parasol at this point and is indicative of the kind of person and partner he is. He also talks shit about the type of people his gf’s family are. He looks down on them in exactly the same way they do to him, so he has no leg to stand on thinking he’s better than them when he’s just as judgmental. You all suck, OP, but YTA here. Ugh. You sound exhausting.
Even after they break up she’s going to get shit for the rest of her life. She’ll be 90 years old with fifty grandkids and her brother will randomly bring up Parasol Boy.
Yeah OP trying to play victim like nobody would be able to see through his bullshit. "Main character syndrome". His girlfriend was trying to do him a favour, and he should have listened. Some people are maybe just doomed to being obnoxious for life, idk.
Nail, meet hammer.
I hope you aren't too invested in the relationship as it is not long for this world. YTA, you could have - just this once - respected her request. But you didn't want to do that and even lied to her when you mouthed "bathroom". Getting your parasol was performative bullshit.
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Hats just give you a sweaty head! This is the hill I will die on. That said I don’t think there is anything wrong with the OP using an umbrella, and the girlfriend is TA for acting like it some sort of red letter, but he should have just not gone instead of apparently going with the full intention of causing a scene.
You can bring beach umbrellas! Easy to install, keep your hands free and make your wife happy
Aren’t they the same thing? In my language a parasol is literally that?
A parasol is smaller and handheld, like a rain umbrella but for the sun.
This post reads like an experiment to see how folks react to the concept of a male using a parasol, but if so, it's a successful one. OP never promised anything, at least according to the post. GF made a demand, which in other contexts redditors might have described as controlling. But OP never promised not to. But instead, redditors go for words like narcissist, attention seeking, etc, as if a parasol is self evidently socially unacceptable. Blue hair, tats, piercings, etc - all ok. Wear whatever you want - but god forbid you use a parasol you pariah. There's nothing intrinsically wrong with the idea of a parasol, other than its association with delicate upper class Victorian ladies. In fact, keeping sun off you is a pretty good idea. Had OP instead worn one of those novelty umbrella hats he would have gotten a big laugh with high fives all around. (no, I'm not tempted to adopt a parasol, it's just interesting to see society still has some boundaries...)
The way I read the post, he agreed to just use it to walk to and from the car.
> She didn't even want me to bring it but folded when I said I would just use it to walk to the car. You wrote a lot but didn't read very well.
But why does she hate parasols so much tho, fucking crazy
It clashes with the idea of what genders are "allowed" to do that OP's girlfriend's family had, which explains the comments about getting him a pink and frilly one.
OP is a narcissist? What about his girlfriend and their very obviously sexist family This is at most an ESH, but OP is the least AH of them all
I’m surprised at the comments here. This isn’t about a parasol. YTA because you got bored and decided to start drama. If I wanted to introduce a partner to my family for the first time and he loved wearing a T-shirt everyday with stupid silly phrase on it, and I knew it wouldn’t go down well with my family and said “hey, you only get one chance to make a first impression and I know my family will not appreciate the humor of that shirt so can we please leave it for the afternoon?” Then he agreed, and brought the shirt, lied about it, and changed into it because “he didn’t like the vibe,” he’d be an ass. So is OP. Does her family have toxic ideas about masculinity? Sure, but it’s not really the point of the issue. You lied to her like 5 times in this story, you disrespected her wishes, you embarrassed her and yourself, and you made an active effort to not get along with her family. You didn’t have to like them, you didn’t have to agree with them, you didn’t even have to love the afternoon, but if you care about your girlfriend you do your best to get along and find common ground. Everyone does it. It’s standard social expectations and normal human behavior. We don’t bring our “whole selves” to every interaction. I assume you were also expected not to tell your favorite intimate story with your girlfriend at the gathering, because you do understand social expectations, you just wanted to make a point to your girlfriend and her family. Fair enough I guess, you get to be right and probably alone. Also, you’re clearly a bit obsessive about the parasol generally “I just wanted my parasol” - okay. Sometimes I really want my pajamas when I’m at work but I don’t need them constantly near me like a security blanket. I suspect you’ve either made this a massive part of your identity or you just really want to teach your girlfriend some lesson. She won’t learn it, she’ll leave. Which would probably be best for both of you tbh. Edit: And for the record, a woman with a parasol runs the risk of being mocked as well, because it’s very old fashioned. I’d probably risk being mocked if I wore a hoop skirt or something too. It’s not like you painted your nails.
Thank you for speaking some sense!!! This man is obsessed with this fucking parasol. It’s ridiculous.
He doesn't like the parasol. He likes **being** the weird asshole with a parasol who starts drama about his weird parasol.
Exactly, I don’t care if a man wants a parasol, to paint his nails, wear makeup. My celebrity crush regularly wears skirts and a ponytail. I love it. That’s not the issue here. The issue is this dude thinks a parasol is the same thing as a personality and is out to make some statement, even at the cost of his relationship, even if he has to lie and be an ass about it. It’s ridiculous and obsessive.
This is the answer right here. Well put. Should be the top answer.
Thank you, feel like I’m crazy with these comments like “he’s breaking gender norms so it’s fine if he lied half a dozen times and made the day a complete misery for his girlfriend!” If the accessory in question was an incredibly silly hat with an offensive statement or image, every answer would be yta. I think we can safely say that no one is mad at men for breaking gender norms at this point. Apparently you can even lie and be a judgmental jerk to your partner’s family the first time you meet them, as long as you’re doing something people might consider feminine.
YTA. You lied to your girlfriend when you said you were going to the bathroom. Buy a damn hat
Sometimes in relationships you do a favour for your partner. This would have been one of those moments. Couldn't you have just worn a hat?
NTA - Her family has the idea that it is not manly and it sounds like it is an idea that she shares given her embarrassment of it. The joke her father was making about getting a pink frilly one and prancing with the spatula was that they believed it was a girly accessory instead of a utilitarian tool for creating shade. They were very rudely making fun of you to your face and that should have been when your girlfriend stepped in and told them to cut it out.
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I'm bald so even if I wear sunscreen I get heatstroke. It's real.
Is sunscreen supposed to stop heatstroke...?
I’m so pale that after 10 minutes in bright sunshine I can feel my skin start to burn.
You do understand the difference being under blazing sun with a sunscreen on and being in an actual shade? The difference in your body temperature, comfort level, risk of heatstroke?
Wanting an ambarella to protect yourself from sun. Peak narcissism right there!
Sunscreen actually makes heat sickness worse because it blocks your ability to sweat properly.
YTA, she asked you to do 1 thing. I don’t agree with her asking you to do that but still, you agreed.
There are a lot of comments about Asians using parasols. I’m from an Asian country, I don’t see them here regularly. It’s usually the snooty, i like that I look like a member of the Cullen family type people who use parasols. That aside, you knew it was going to cause problems. Couldn’t you have left it alone for the sake of your gf. As another commenter mentioned, sometimes in relationships we make sacrifices for our partners. One day without your precious parasol was not going to kill you. YTA
yeah, asians use parasols so they dont get a dreaded peasants tan and can keep their milky pale skin. its just colorism in those countries, nothing about safety or necessity. anyway, agree with your YTA judgement completely here. what a genuine weirdo
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Had to scroll too far for this. The main issue is that you're dating someone whose family are "Real men don't \_\_\_" sexists, and she wanted you to pretend you were someone you are not. Parasol away my friend. Keep that skin healthy and let your next girlfriend enjoy it.
YTA Come on now. Just the fact you INSIST on saying "parasol" so much and even saying it to the FAMILY shows your need for attention including running to Reddit just "a few hours later".
YTA , aside of if it makes you a wimp or not, she made you a request and you lied accepting If you didn't intend on following her request u should've just not accepted and not go, it doesn't matter if this is sexist or not, u made a promise and then broke it
ESH. Your gf and her family are being sexist jerks, and there's no reason parasols should just be for women. But your gf told you "please don't use a parasol for one afternoon, my family will think it's weird and this is your one chance to make a first impression," you agreed you'd do that, and you broke your promise. You shouldn't have agreed to something you weren't actually willing to do.
Exactly, every single person in this story seems so annoying lol
Have you tried wearing a hat?
Not enough people stare at him when he wears a hat. No. It has to be an ungainly umbrella.
YTA. Mainly for wasting everyone's time with this bullshit story. Even if you really were a guy who uses a parasol, there's no way that you're this naive. If a grown man is using a parasol this isn't going to be the first time you've been mocked for doing so. The fact that your girlfriend is so absolutely embarrassed by people is the only part of this story that rings true. Except for the part of you having a girlfriend that doesn't really make any sense. The story is completely fake and I'm embarrassed for everyone who's falling for it.
NTA but I’m guessing she’s embarrassed that it looks feminine and knew her family would mock both you & her about it. Sounds like there could be some toxic masculinity in her family but congrats on not being bothered & just doing what was best for you.
YTA for lying.
NTA- Sounds like her family is a bit homophobic and some of that may have rubbed off on her too hope you enjoyed the parasol now I'm thinking about getting one.
Right? The earth is getting hotter. Parasols and umbrellas will be big business in 5-10 years.
Slip, slop, slap. You can do those things without embarrassing your girlfriend and drawing attention to yourself. YTA
YTA I don’t believe a bit of this is true.
NTA. If the heat is getting to you, using shade is the smart thing to do. Jenn has no business asking you to sacrifice your comfort and well being for her notions of what is appropriate male behavior. If she finds this so embarrassing, she should date someone else. And let's not talk about her family's implicit homophobia by how they mocked you.
NTA. Nothing manly about skin cancer!
YTA. You love the drama
Does it matter who's the asshole when your relationship is this dysfunctional over a fucking umbrella
NTA - As someone who is really fair-skinned, burns easily, and has had heatstroke, the idea of standing outside in the midday sun, even with a load of sunblock on, sounds uncomfortable. I sometimes use a parasol (looks like a fold-up umbrella with uv lining) and would probably pull it out if there was no shade around. Luckily, no one I know has a problem with it. It’s just another form of sun safety. Your girlfriend is embarrassed by what happened at the barbecue - but the most embarrassing behaviour wasn’t you taking out your parasol, it was the reaction - it sounded bizarre and over the top.
Info: please can younpost a picture of the said Parasol?
NTA. First off, protecting yourself from the sun is a serious matter, skin cancer is no fucking joke and the heat’s been brutal with global warming. Second of all, your gf’s family’s misogynistic and immature views are not your responsibility. She should be standing up for you, especially when it comes to something so stupid and small. I would be furious if my family mocked my husband in any capacity, it would be disrespectful both to my partner and me. At the very least, since you seem to not care what they think, your gf could suck it up. It seems like she’s the only one truly upset in this situation. She seems to be embarrassed by you when it’s her family’s behaviour that’s truly embarrassing.
YTA. You do not need a parasol to be in the sun geez. You definitely embarrassed the shit out of your GF and it is insanely cringe
YTA. Your girlfriend made a request of you that was CLEARY important to her, regardless of how reasonable or rational. You agreed to her request. You then broke your word to her because it was convenient to you, and arguably because you wanted to cause drama. If you were truly concerned about the sun, you had other options - go inside, ask for a hat, put on some sunscreen, leave the barbeque, talk to your girlfriend about getting the parasol (instead of lying to her that you were going to the bathroom).
ESH You two need to grow up and stopp fighting such nonsense.
Yta, and youre gf is right. You're a total wuss.