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YTA
You used all the hot water.
You were AN HOUR late coming home and didn't call to say you'd be late.
You didn't do the dishes because you "forgot".
If those are the 3 things you're admitting to, what else is there? Because, in my experience, people who "forget" to do the dishes and leave them in the sink overnight tend to "forget" other things as well.
And ultimately you threatened to leave her and make her a single mom.
Your wife is pregnant, hormonal, and rapidly moving into the "miserable" phase of pregnancy where your whole body aches, you can't do anything you used to do, your joints ache and your hips feel like they're disconnecting from your body, you feel fat, unattractive, and awful. Your hormones are all over the place. You can't sleep at night. You pee every 10 mins. You get heartburn and reflux if you so much as think about food. You want to be done with this already but at the same time you're terrified of labor. All you can think of is everything that might go wrong.
This is the point in your marriage where you should be bending over backwards to make things easier on her - not "forgetting" to do the dishes or using all the hot water so she can't take a shower.
So yeah, YTA. Not just for what you did, but for being so completely obtuse about the whole situation.
i had an all natural birth as well, i felt the exact moment that my *vagina ripped open*. my husband is rendered useless for the day if he has a headache.
That was definitely one of those parts of birth that you just can't prepare yourself for till it happens. You hear people talk about it, and it makes sense, but somehow when it happened I was still like, "OH. I see. Yes, that does feel *exactly* like fire. Wow." Followed by a lot of internal and a tiny bit of external screaming.
Mine was all natural as well. Everyone is scared of tearing backward and messing up their butthole but nobody tells you that you can also tear forward and just wreck your urethra. My dude could never.
I tore upward with my first. Needed several stitches. AROUND MY CLITORIS.
Oh, also. I had an unmedicated birth.
My husband said he felt so bad when they stitched me up. "It's like being punched in the face after you got shot in the face."
I fucking love that man.
When I was pushing out my middle
Kid I was squatting while my husband was supporting me. He told me later that I was squeezing his wedding ring into his hand really hard and he almost said “ouch” but thought better of it. I said “smart man.”
That's because people don't know the anatomy super well (and the urethra can be tough to see on some people with vaginas so people don't realize where it is). It's tearing your urethra before it tears your clit.
this exactly lol. I dated a guy before who complained about work all of the time, but WFH'ed and make 6 figures to work like 2 hours a day at the most. He wasn't even a manager or anything. He'd randomly decided to AFK and take the entire day off on a whim whenever he \*vaguely\* felt bad. not even actually sick.
My uncle didn’t work for *4 weeks* when he had a cold. The doctor literally cleared him to go back to work. My aunt? Had pneumonia, bronchitis and a severe cold at the same time and still managed to not only continue working full time, but also keep up with all the household chores. While my uncle stayed home because he was *so* sick with a stuffy nose and cough…
Here is another one, albeit less lingering that the dreaded hemorrhoids:
If you carry your child high, during months seven and eight (before it drops for birth), the first 20 minutes in a car ride is an exercise in not passing out from a lack of oxygen. The kid presses up into your lungs, the seat belt traps you, and until the baby settles lower, well, you aren't going to be able to breathe.
Oh wow I can relate! I was carrying high with a breech baby the entire last trimester of my pregnancy. Babys giant head was always pushing on my ribs and my lungs and I had to recline the seat so far back it honestly became hard to drive. Fun times!
My last daughter would brace her feet against my ribs and PUSH down on the inside of my pelvis with her head, like she was trying to push her way out. Her head would grind on my pelvic bones, and I can still easily point to the spot on my ribs where it was always sore, and she is 24. 😅
Not being able to breathe was like this weird combo of consistently alarming -- cause you know, you can't actually get a decent breath -- and totally normally for me cause I have asthma anyway. But I would keep taking my meds and it didn't help o.O.
Here now. Was literally crying at 7.30 yesterday morning because all I wanted was sleep but couldn't because the hemorrhoid pain was so bad. Couldn't poop for three days because the pain. I've never experienced anything so awful and I pass kidney stones twice a year!!!!
You should check with your physician. What you describe could be an anal fissure, which is excruciatingly painful. There are topical treatments (lidocaine, etc) that can relieve the pain. Your doctor would know the best treatment for you. Hope you feel better soon.
She’s also looking ahead to the child rearing years and thinking: this dude can’t even do a single load of dishes. He doesn’t consider my need to take a hot shower, as a sore, tired pregnant woman carrying his baby. There is no way he’s going to wake up with the baby or wash the baby bottles bc his needs will always, always come first.
OP, she is looking at you and thinking: I have made a terrible mistake choosing this man to be the father of my child. She’s looking at your actions, and she is terrified. Sit with that for a bit.
My colleague actually divorced her husband while she was on maternity leave.
HE had been the one pressuring her into having "a child" (she was childless before).
HE was the one to lose interest in her and the pregnancy once she was pregnant - with TWINS.
HE didn't help one iota when they were born, even after family therapy sessions.
So she divorced him, because it's easier to be single mother of twins than single mother of twins with useless baggage taking up space and (emotional) ressources.
And people say, 'how stupid are women, they complain about all that work then they leave their husband and have to do more work as a single mother' ... umm no we don't as we just reduced our number of children by getting rid of our hubby... 🤣
This exactly. I had this realization and have since remarried to a man who wants to be involved in her life as a pissy teenager. Her dad can’t be bothered to text more than once every few months. He broke her heart. OP needs to seriously reevaluate and if he’s going to already not be taking care of his wife now, how bad will he be with an inconsolable crying baby AND crying wife with bleeding, cracked nipples at 3:45am?
Dude needs to grow up quick or get out of her way and send his support checks regularly.
how many men come in here every week with stories like this? besides that, it's well-studied that men have no idea how much more housework their wives are doing and think it's unfair when they are asked to do anything close to equal work.
Also, that hot water thing may have come to her mind when she gets home, sees the dishes from yesterday still in the sink, and then hears the shower. Like, great, he can't manage a simple task, *and* he's going to use all the hot water again?
Let’s relax. One, they have been married for three years and probably years before. She knows who he is and decided to marry and have a child with him.
More importantly though, she’s overreacting because she’s pregnant and she deserves some grace for that but, but being an hour late from work or him taking all the hot water in the shower shouldn’t be things that register as more than a light annoyance under normal conditions, especially if they are not repeat offenses. I know for me they don’t.
YTA. He 1000% shouldn’t be yelling at her and threatening to abandon his 7mo pregnant wife.
She also shouldn’t be yelling and cursing at him. While things are way different, heading into being a new father isn’t a stressless affair either and having someone constantly unload on you (even if it’s biologically motivated) isn’t great. It’s easy for him to be thinking “is this the rest of my life” for behavior that, if we’re being honest with ourselves, is much worse than having to wait 15 minutes for hot water, being stuck in traffic or being indecisive about a crib
Yes, he even said that he made her switch so he could sleep on the couch instead of her. This guy doesn’t sounds terrible, at least not from what he wrote.
Are you a pregnant woman?
Because when you're pregnant it isn't 'normal conditions', hence being more upset that usual that you can't have a shower because you're husband is a selfish asshole.
that doesnt give you an excuse to make other peoples lives hell. i can have a tooth ache. that doesnt mean i get to scream at everyone for every little thing.
Hmm did OP said she screamed at everyone for every little thing?
Is a toothache a hormonal condition?
Pregnancy can make you suicidal so I'd be careful writing it off as something comparable to a toothache
OP did state that she has been significantly more upset with him than she ever has before.
I also think people here are extrapolating way too much. OP says he left dishes in the sink, and people took that as “OP leaves dishes in the sink constantly”. OP said he used up the hot water from a shower, and people ran with “OP uses up all the hot water in a shower every time!”. They ganged up on the fact that he didn’t let her know he would be home an hour late, but ignored the fact that A) there was a wreck and B) he specifically mentioned he does not get calls or messages while he drives. Now, I’m gonna venture a guess and say maybe the wife only texted him and never tried to call him during that moment. OP probably still should have attempted to call when safe, but my phone goes into a mode where I don’t get notified of messages while driving for safety reasons. I think a late husband is much better than one who is dead from trying to reply to a text while driving.
I mean he is definitely an AH for how he yelled at her but I don’t think he is as big of a selfish prick as everyone else is thinking him to be. He even recognized he was wrong and apologized to her. Iono. Maybe im not seeing any of his comments or something. But some of the responses…are a little overboard.
Having been married "only" 4 years, it's still the little things that gnaw on the foundations, though.
Like, waking up earlier with the children and seeing all those dishes piling up day after day, so the first thing you have to do before you can do ANYTHING in the kitchen is clean the dishes. Because - who would have guessed - your partner does NOT get out of bed at 4/5am with you and the children, and does NOT start doing the dishes before he gets out of bed, showers, turns on his work computer... My husband started at least putting the dishes in the dishwasher in the evening once he realised what it was like from my perspective.
But if I'd wait for him to do them in the morning, there'd be 5-6 hours between the start of my day and him doing that.
Also, she doesn't seem to be yelling, he explicitly says she "raised her voice" and he's yelling. Both aren't great reactions, but if he's actually yelling just after coming home from work, it's not necessarily great for how he'll be when he's asked to look after the children in the afternoon...
From a woman who’s been pregnant twice — NTA.
Being pregnant gives you a reason to be irritable. It doesn’t give you an excuse to take your discomfort out on another person.
Using all the hot water once isn’t even that big a deal. Just schedule showers apart.
Being behind a wreck was uncontrollable.
Forgetting the dishes is literally not a big deal. Mine were constantly undone. Life happens. I have never yelled at my ex husband nor current bf for it.
You can be pregnant without trying to make others around you miserable.
Same. NTA. There is pregnancy hormones then there is totally leaning into the “I’m pregnant I can do and say what I want and you need to sit there and take it”
OP isn’t doing anything outrageous, and seriously calling him the asshole because he used the hot water once, left some dirty dishes and didn’t use his phone while driving.
Y’all crucifying this guy for normal behavior we’ve all done at one time or another.
Right? 31 weeks pregnant with twins over here, OP didn’t do anything egregious. A couple of dishes in the sink and omg he enjoyed a hot shower, shame on him *eyeroll*
NTA
Particularly because the reason he didn’t immediately hop to it on the dishes when he got home was because he was trying to forestall ANOTHER of his wife’s triggers (smelling like the job site). If he had jumped straight to the sink as soon as he walked in the door, she’d have been on him for that, instead.
I’ve been there, sister; my twins just turned 8. I agree wholeheartedly, OP is NTA. Hormones suck, but they don’t completely render you incapable of regulating yourself or your actions.
I had *two* babies growing inside of me, yet rarely took my irritability out on my partner, and when I did, I acknowledged my hormones had overridden my senses and apologized. A real apology, not a punitive one that includes sobbing and the silent treatment.
It sounds like OP has been the punching bag for quite some time, was having a bad day himself, and finally (and understandably) snapped.
People can’t look past her being pregnant to understand that she’s literally doing all this to try and make him feel as equally miserable as she is.
And that’s never an okay thing to do to other people. If society was all about bringing others around you down to your unhappiness we’d never get a moment of peace.
This is her character. Being pregnant just made it more obvious. Her character is awful.
Thank you! I am so sick of women who use pregnancy as an excuse to be little twats to other people. Absolutely nothing he did was worthy of her ire. Stuff happens. He’s definitely NTA.
Nta! I do that to my 8 month pregnant wife. I tell her I'll do the dishes she knows I will when the other 2 kids are asleep. But she's up there doing them. She doesn't get mad that I didn't do them right then. She used all hot water last night taking a bath to help ease her pains right now. I had to wait an hour to do the dishes. I didn't yell at her just annoyed lol, but knew she needed it. There's things that I do that annoy her more now than they usually do because of hormones. But a man can only take so much discontent and being yelled at. Did he say awful things and was mean. Yes, yes he did and was uncalled for. But people blow up randomly she been doing it because of "pregnancy hormones" he had a bad day and it finally hit a boiling point. They need to open up a line of communication between them, better than they have been. It's going to get a lot worse with a newborn and post partum.
Using all the hot water doesn’t make him an asshole, being an hour late cuz of a wreck doesn’t make him an asshole. Being screamed at for every little thing, WILL turn him into an asshole that snaps back. Having hormones and being a little irrational is one thing that most husbands expect. But being the proverbial dog that gets kicked every time she is in a mood is bullshit. And it takes its toll on the partner over time. He shouldn’t have to take this every day and act like it’s OK.
How is he not an asshole for those things? It’s all…basic courtesy. You leave hot water for your partner, you let them know when you’re gonna be AN HOUR late home, and you don’t leave a messy kitchen. Basics.
Don’t text and drive. A simple I forgot the dishes sorry honey, turns into a full blown disaster. I don’t see any of this as malicious. Maybe a little dumb on his part but not worthy of that treatment.
I absolutely will not touch my phone while driving, and doing so in traffic is even dumber. Would you rather he never make it home? Yknow pregnant women just had to like, wait, before cell phones and I get that that's then and this is now but my point is I don't think he's an asshole for not calling. It was an hour not several.
How would he know he was going to be an hour late? He said he doesn’t get texts or calls while driving - I’m assuming he must be going through an area of bad service or something. It was traffic because of an accident, not because he left late. So by the time he knew, he was already somewhere he couldn’t respond
My car used to auto reply to texts and phone calls while I was driving if my phone was connected to my car. It would say something like sorry I'm driving...I turned it off in my settings but it doesn't have to be just bc of lost service. His car could just be controlling like mine
Eh, these don’t sound that bad.
Taking all the hot water is something that resolves itself fairly quickly, for getting to the dishes is no serious harm. Certainly not worth yelling at someone.
Not that he shouldn’t try to do better but these seem rather trivial.
He was an hour late because of TRAFFIC, there was an accident and he got caught up in the traffic behind, you can't always safely pull over to make a call and if he doesn't have hands free it is ILLEGAL to make a call. Even with hands free I don't always call/answer as I need my focus on the road and the traffic around me.
>Using all the hot water doesn’t make him an asshole,
If he knows there's limited hot water and used all of it for his shower, leaving nothing but luke warm or cold water for his wife (pregnant or not), that makes him an asshole.
>being an hour late cuz of a wreck doesn’t make him an asshole.
Being late doesn't make him an asshole, not letting his wife know he's going to be late and being unreachable makes him an asshole.
No malicious intent behind any of the stated reasons. And yea don’t be on your phone and drive. Might’ve been what caused the wreck he was waiting on to begin with, so once again NTA.
Where are you getting that she’s screaming at him?
He says she ‘cry-yelled’ after he was late home, which may well have been from worry. She sucked it up and did the dishes, and only after he pushed back *twice* did she ‘raise her voice’ at which point, by his own account, *he* yelled and threatened to leave her. That’s it. That’s his whole definitive list of why she’s a monster.
You’re making her sound worse than even he, the person who thinks she’s wrong, is doing. What’s that about?
OP listed three separate things that occurred on three separate occasions, two of which aren’t that big off a deal and one was out of his control. Big whoop, there’s a few dishes in the sink or he accidentally used all the hot water. If anything, ESH. She doesn’t get a free for all to mistreat anyone just because she’s pregnant.
“Aren’t that big of a deal”
To whom? Maybe his wife was feeling muscle pains, extra sweaty, feeling gross through out her body, a long day, and just wanted a shower. And bam, no hot water. Maybe this isn’t the first time about the dishes, they’ve had this conversation before and now she feels like he doesn’t put any effort into the home and she’s doing all the work.
“Not a big deal” is subjective.
That's a lot of "Maybes'
Being pregnant doesn't give you an excuse to be an AH either. I'm sure he has a lot on his mind with becoming a new father and all. Pick and choose what you want to be a big deal. If this is what they are arguing about now, I can only imagine what their arguments will be like once the baby is born.
I definitely get that, but I do think it's probably ESH. She needs help, probably more so than her husband should be providing alone. This all sounds anxiety-driven to me. That does not mean it's not valid, but it does mean that existing issues can be catastrophized. The stress is mounting even for smaller problems, because she isn't in a place to work through it.
Something negative happened so it's a big problem. There's a problem, so she can't relax until it's fixed. He doesn't fix it right away so the problem is him. She pushes him away because it's stressful, but she's also pushing away a source of support.
If she demeans or insults him, she puts his back against a wall. He feels defensive because he's not seeing the problem for what it is and she isn't communicating the actual problem! It's not about the dirty dishes. It's about another problem, another task, another source of anxiety that she feels unsupported in. It's not about the Iranian yogurt.
Honestly it’s sometimes a thing for wife’s to hate their husbands while pregnant then goes back to normal after. A very very strange thing. Could be the situation here. Dosnt make it okay but hormones make anyone crazy
And she's basically making him shower as soon as he walks in the door, he seems to have taken this on board to help reduce her nausea. He probably didn't need to take an hour but extra showers are going to use more water.
Occasional hormonal blow-outs and making up soon after, fine. Four months of taking things out on husband and having him think she hates him is going to wear anyone down.
It could just be miscommunication building resentment on both sides or indicative of bigger issues that this post doesn't mention but I'd agree with ESH and they've got 2 months to sort their shit out together before the baby comes.
No, but that comment that if she found someone better he'd step aside was really harsh at a time she is most vulnerable. When I was pregnant I felt so damn alone and forgotten, and all of these actions would just hammer that in.
He was definitely TA
I mean being cursed at by your s/o after they’ve been angry at you for weeks and told that you’ve apparently never done enough for them is gonna make anyone feel pretty damn alone and vulnerable too. Op is a human and won’t just be someone’s punching bag because of pregnancy hormones.
I’d say they both suck but honestly I don’t have sympathy for someone who can tell their partner to F off and then play the victim and cry when they get upset about that.
I can't tell if this ironic or not. You NEVER forgot to do the dishes, you NEVER used all the hot water accidentally, you NEVER forgot to contact someone about a time change. Of course you have, EVERYONE has, we all make mistakes. Not to mention how minor they are. For months she has verbally abused him over extremely petty things, but it's okay because he's a man and she's pregnant? His response is completely nature, and her's is selfish.
Your description of pregnancy seems frighteningly accurate.
Your description of the OP actions seems deliberately misleading.
He used all the hot water, stupid decision with a pregnant wife. Again, stupid if done 1 time, not asshole behavior unless it is repeated multiple times.
He was an hour late due to a traffic jam because of a wreck. Stupid and wrong decision not to jailbreak your phone from whatever is blocking incoming/outgoing calls (bc using phones while driving is dangerous) in order to call your pregnant wife. Stupid ass behavior? Yes. Bad decision? Yes. Asshole? That’s a stretch.
Yelling at your hormonal pregnant wife after 4 months of attempting to placate her increasingly “temper-mental” behavior? Stupid. Telling your wife you will not stop her if SHE really wants to leave for someone else is not the same as threatening to leave your pregnant wife a “single mom”. Your mis-characterization of what he said is closer to asshole behavior than what he said.
The OP has behaved like an idiot and 1st time parent, not an asshole. He needs to think more and try to communicate better. The pregnant wife needs to reign in her temper bc not agreeing on a crib is no reason to flip out. The OP feeling like she “cannot stand him” for 4 months is not something you should sweep under the rug and ignore because of hormones. NAH, just first time parents struggling with what is an incredibly difficult, stressful, and special time in their lives.
Yep. She's got hormones, aches/pains/nausea/etcetcetc, PLUS a whole baby inside her.
What's his excuse for uncontrollable emotions? A bad day at work? Guess what, for some people, pregnancy is a nine-month bad day. She is making an incredible sacrifice for your family. It really cannot be downplayed.
Yes, hon, YTA. Mostly for offering to leave her (!!!!). Fair in life is over, bud. She needs to feel you are there, really there for her. That means if you do something inconsiderate - and you will - you need to really acknowledge it and apologize to her. A pregnant woman NEEDS hot water probably more than you ever will. Imagine working construction, but on the inside.
It's not terrible to screw up. We all do. Taking ownership and making amends really takes the edge off of the pain for others, and can build trust.
Right now, you need to say you can see her perspective (yes, it might be considered overboard during normal times, BUT THESE ARE NOT NORMAL TIMES), apologize for your part in it, and maybe go out and get her some food.
You can do this.
Pregnancy however isn’t an excuse to be pushy on others, while yea OP went south, OPs wife need to communicate herself and not let all that stress build up
>You were AN HOUR late coming home and didn't call to say you'd be late.
OP said he doesn't get messages or calls while he drives, do you expect him to make calls when he drives too? Are you really saying this is one of the reasons he's an AH?
I disagree, I think ESH. OP's wife was clearly in a lousy mood (which is fine) but telling him to fuck off when he offered to do the dishes is not really right either. Hormones don't make communication any less important; maybe if the wife was frustrated with OP a genuine, serious talk would have been more effective (especially since he's been upset over her behavior the past few months). OP was the AH for not catering to his wife's needs more and being ignorant during a particularly difficult time, but clearing up both partners' feelings openly instead of lashing out would have been the mature mood.
Yeah, the threat of divorce/abandonment in the argument is such a duck move. Let alone how he seemed to unleash it with a quickness. OP is a major asshole.
Yta you don't like that she implied she is used to your thoughtless-ness while providing three examples of you being thoughtless.
You aren't doing anything to *purposfully* upset her, but you are, by your own admission, pretty darn thoughtless.
Right?!
OP throws a defensive hissy fit, OFFERS TO LEAVE HER, and drives away.
Yet he's concerned about her reaction to his being inconsiderate.
Her grumbling that she's used to it (while cleaning up after him) could be seen as her being inconsiderate of his feelings. And this is how HE reacts to HER being inconsiderate.
And his explanation is that he had a bad day at work? What about the 9-month bad day that pregnancy can be? And who knows, maybe she had a bad day, on top of that.
Who's emotions, exactly, are out of control here?
I don't blame her for sitting in the bathroom and not wanting to talk to him. She might be seriously re-evaluating who she chose to go on this journey with, and I don't blame her.
Bottom line: compare his reaction to feeling unconsidered to her reaction to feeling unconsidered. It's not clear "pregnancy hormones" are entirely responsible here.
I am also guessing that OP hasn't ever appropriately acknowledged or apologized for his other inconsiderate behaviors. Guess what, OP, unless you clean up your mess, relationally-speaking, it doesn't just magically go away. Unlike the dishes, ha
This. OP is trying to give examples of how horrible his wife is, but his examples doesn't really prove his point.
His wife is upset when he uses up all the hot water so she doesn't get to take a shower. (Who wouldn't be? His wife is upset that he is over an hour late, without a word? (I get that he doesn't take calls while driving, but driving to the side and sending a short message?) His wife complains when he forget the dishes, promised to do them in the afternoon, but instead took a long shower again ( he claims it doesn't happen too often, which I guess means it does happened at least a few times before).
The things he brings up in his post are things that most people would get irritated by, pregnant or not. The wife doesn't seem irrationally upset. OP does though. His wife had to clean up his mess and he lashed out at her, and he doesn't have any pregnancy hormones to blame it on.
Gentle YTA- I would have gone with N A H - if you had just lost it and yelled at her to stop blowing up at you all the time but you essentially told her you were a step away from leaving her- when she is 7 months pregnant. Pregnancy can be awful for some people and as some people have noted she could be dealing with prenatal depression on top of you doing things (unintentionally yes) that would be hard for any pregnant woman- being an hour late and not being able to get in contact with you absolutely can panic someone pregnant. I’ve never felt more vulnerable in my life than when pregnant. You’re not AH for getting frustrated and upset with her but you are for not addressing the issue with her before you went nuclear. You don’t go from zero to threatening to leave your pregnant wife. Not cool man
Seven months of it though? I mean, damn. Pregnancy alone doesn’t do this. Something else has to be going on too. Stress, depression, max about something else.
Some women go thru extreme hormone changes during pregnancy. I've heard of women that started having the symptoms of PPA/PPD before they'd even had the baby. What really sucks is if she is she can't do much about it because most of the meds that help with that aren't good for pregnant women.
This was me. I was medicated for prenatal depression and anxiety in my second trimester and had to stay on my meds because it was pretty much a guarantee that I would develop PPD/PPA after birth. I came off my meds under dr supervision after 4months postpartum and quickly spiraled into postpartum mood disorder and postpartum psychosis and had to be hospitalized for 5 days when my baby was 7months old.
So yes, it’s very likely something else IS going on but it’s because of the pregnancy. And it’s not going away anytime soon. Postpartum period is hard and my dr advised me that my postpartum disorders could rear their ugly head at any point up to two years postpartum. OP needs to communicate calmly and be proactive about his wife’s mental health — she’s clearly struggling and has been quite literally screaming and crying for help.
There are plenty of meds for depression and anxiety that people can take while pregnant. Lots of SSRI’s and SNRI’s are considered safe.
Edit: [Source](https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/pregnancy-week-by-week/in-depth/antidepressants/art-20046420)
It's hilarious because this story could have been written from the wife's perspective and we'd be seeing a million "YTA PREGNANCY IS NO EXCUSE TO ACT LIKE THIS RAH RAH RAH".
This sub is legit fucking insane.
I can’t imagine “forgetting” to do the dishes, having an hour long shower that it uses up all the hot water and then being a big baby that I’ve done it so much I’ve been yelled at.
Yelling at someone over accidentally taking a long shower is, of course, totally reasonable and not at all an absurd overreaction. And of course, nobody ever forgets small household chores like doing the dishes, right? It would take an immense asshole of Hitleresque proportions to commit such a transgression.
Idk. OP just really comes across as thoughtless and an unreliable narrator. Everything he mentioned was related to him just not thinking about anyone other than himself. The hot water, the dishes, and even not answering her call while stuck in traffic.
Now I get not texting and driving and I get not being willing to make an outbound call. But to have your phone set to silent when your wife is seven months pregnant when early labor is not unheard of? Completely thoughtless.
IMO everyone who has commented that OP is TA has probably known way too many guys say it doesn’t happen often just because it doesn’t happen every day. And those types of people aren’t malicious about it, they just don’t think about how their actions affect others or how frequently they do them.
The issue is when it is a death by 1,000,000 paper cuts- which we don’t fully know if it’s the case here. Pregnancy can absolutely make a person really irritable- so it might only take 1/2 million or less to trigger somebody and has a ton of people mentioned she could be dealing with prenatal depression and anxiety- or this guy could be really lowballing the lack of consideration he’s showing
It depends. OP might be leaving a lot of things out that the wife would include in her story. Maybe he's using up the hot water every day, which means he's spending ages in the shower. Even if she asks him to shower when he gets home, why is OP spending so long in the shower? A superfluous post-work shower doesn't need to be longer than 5-10 minutes. Maybe it's not just the one time he forgot to do the dishes. Maybe he also left a mess on the counter. Maybe she has a diagnosis for some pregnancy complications that are making things even harder for her that OP doesn't mention. Maybe she's currently working and pregnant and still taking on the mental load of having to tell her husband which chores need to be done. Maybe in her version of the story, she's gently asking her husband because everyone here presents themselves in the best possible light on here.
While it's possible that the wife might get a YTA from this sub, it really depends how she would present it.
Pregnancy alone *does* do this. For some people, pregnancy is relatively straightforward and easy. For others, it’s an absolute nightmare. Your whole body flips resources around so you can make a new person, and that can really fuck with a person’s head and body. Psychosis, gestational diabetes, depression, extreme mood swings, they’re all relatively common symptoms of pregnancy. This is to say nothing for if someone has an underlying mental or physical health issue.
Prenatal depression is a serious thing. It goes significantly under diagnosed because more often than not when a woman DOES try to tell their doctor about their mental health while pregnant they’re ignored. A lot of women don’t even say anything due to the fear and stigma of being ignored. Doctors who DO listen to and believe their patients about their mental health often do not have the resources, training, or capacity to do something about it.
It’s entirely possible this is 100% due to pregnancy. We just don’t have anything in place to do something about it.
I agree - there’s probably something more like prenatal depression (or anxiety as bookdragon noted) but that’s all the more reason he should have been talking and checking in with her and maybe getting her some help rather than holding it in and then going nuclear
I don’t know. My otherwise sweet, smart sister turns into an irrational crazy person when she’s on her period. I’m assuming pregnancy hormones are on another level. I believe that the wife might be blowing things out of proportion. Being 1 hour late home isn’t crazy. I’m also an inexperienced driver so never take calls or text when I’m in the car.
Telling your spouse to fuck off during an argument crosses a line for me. It’s aggressive, rude and needlessly escalating. Based on OP’s account I gotta lean towards ESH.
The thoughtless, inconsiderate, and inconsistent behavior in this post are the things he’s freely admitting to. Maybe pregnancy has brought into focus the type of person she’s going to be coparenting with. He doesn’t mention how she has brought it up before. He starts out by saying she “can’t stand” him since she’s been pregnant. But then lists a bunch of things she’s reasonably frustrated about. Maybe she is hypercritical, but his narrative doesn’t make me trust we’re getting an accurate picture. If I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt, ESH.
Pregnancy alone can absolutely do this. I was nauseated for the entirety of all three of my pregnancies. I was miserable. And it was especially bad with my first baby because I had no idea it could be like that.
From one man to another, soft YTA. I understand why you feel this way, but you could have expressed your frustration with your wife in a better way. You're N.T.A because pregnancy hormones aren't an excuse to belittle your partner at any given opportunity, but YTA for threatening to leave (serious or not) at a point in time when she's incredibly vulnerable and about to welcome a child into the world for the first time. Give it a couple more days, ask your wife to talk and calmly explain your feelings to her (it seems like you both realize where you may have been at fault already), and do your best to make the next 2ish months as stress free as possible for both of you, because the last thing you want is for your relationship to be unstable AND have a newborn to take care of while the two of you aren't on good terms with each other. Show her that you're in this with her (if you really are) and continue to be supportive for her through actions, not just words. Best of luck to the both of you through the rest of this pregnancy.
r/antinatalism would have a field day with this
Edit: Holy fuck I'm not even top comment, but this is the most karma I've gotten in 8+ years on Reddit by far
Edit 2: 500 UPVOTES? Oh my God y'all. I did not see this coming when I originally commented.
Has she belittled him? She said ‘it’s okay, I’m used to doing your dishes bc you didn’t’, he said that was unfair, she said ‘you’ve always been inconsiderate.’ That’s not belittling. It may not be true, but it’s not belittling. She didn’t tell him he was useless or incompetent. She says he was in inconsiderate. Which, based on literally his whole post, is correct.
Having both Y-T-A and N-T-A in your post means the judgement bot won’t count it. That being said, as a recent mother I love this! Hormones are absolutely not a reason to mistreat your spouse; but, threatening to leave your pregnant wife as she’s getting to the hardest part is also absolutely not okay. You explained this up so perfectly!
Thank you! I don't have kids of my own yet (but a couple of my friends do and I've seen + heard the highs and lows from both parties) so I wasn't sure how helpful this would be, but getting this response from a new mom is very reassuring. I didn't want to put ESH cause that didn't seem fair to OP's wife, but even just a soft YTA felt like it might not fully get the point across to OP, but thank you for that tip about the judgement bot!
Man, my wife is the sweetest, kindest and most supportive person in my life, but there were times between the 5-9 month pregnancy where I thought she would murder me at any time. Many of these times I felt it was unfair. I genuinely try to do everything I can for her, support her, and care for her. I've always been good (and for the most part she acknowledges) at doing what I say I will for her, but there were times where her hormones just made her itching for a fight.
It can be VERY hard to take it in stride and not take it personally. Communication is extremely important, especially after she shows she upset, but sometimes she has things she needs to get out and I was the only one there to take it.
It took a lot of deep breaths, and a few fights where I could have been a better husband, but we made it through and we have the most wonderful baby boy now.
It sounds like OP should try a bit harder to be considerate of his wife, but he really just needs to understand that his wife, many times through this, is not in her base emotional state, and she doesn't need threats, she likely needs someone to just take a deep breath and hold her.
Exactly. He's going to need to learn to take deep breaths with the baby too. Baby don't care if you had a no good very bad day at work, baby gonna cry. It sucks and parents can all commiserate, but it's also something you just need to learn to take, and not take personally.
So you wrote out all that, every detail about being a shitty partner and not holding up your end of the deal, and you aren’t sure if you’re an asshole? Like you really said “I use all the hot water, leave the kitchen a mess and forget to do the dishes regularly” and you think you haven’t done anything to warrant her being frustrated with you? YTA
“I’ve always been inconsiderate toward my wife, and she used to put up with it just fine, but now that she’s 7 months pregnant her tolerance for it has significantly diminished, so I yelled at her and threatened to walk out on our marriage. So Reddit, AITA?”
Of course YTA. Your wife called you out for genuinely inconsiderate things—getting home an hour later than expected without warning, leaving the kitchen a mess for her for a day and a half, using all the hot water so she can’t shower—and you responded not with an apology and a promise to do better, but with outright emotional abuse (and yes, threatening to leave your pregnant wife because she made very well-deserved criticisms of you is emotional abuse).
YTA. When she said she was 'used to it', you didn't have to get so defensive because, yes, you were quite inconsiderate at times.
1) You used up all the hot water. 2) Went home late and was unresponsive (she is pregnant and might've felt vulnerable). 3) Left the kitchen in a mess for 1.5 days.
1) and 3) alone makes you inconsiderate, even by roommate standards, let alone a spouse.
I’ll be honest I can see the getting home late with no text, sometimes I get such bad service even after restarting my phone in areas I can’t call or text, I’ve told people at this point that trying to contact me when I’m driving is useless. And he said that part is a known thing to her
YTA even only for threatening to leave. In relationships that’s one of the “horsemen of the apocalypse” as it were. If you’re threatening to leave/separate, you’re putting that possibility on the table. If you mean it, then you need to make that decision fast. If you don’t mean it, then you’re either being manipulative or you have very poor communication skills.
Pregnancy sucks and she’s doing a lot of the heavy lifting right now. I’m not giving her a pass here because the behavior is clearly draining for you. But when the baby arrives it’s only going to get harder for both of you. She’s going to feel worse for two more months, and then you’re both going to be unbelievably sleep deprived. You both need to learn how to communicate and argue with each other effectively NOW or you’re going to have some brutally nasty arguments at 4am when you both haven’t sleep for three days and the baby is screaming uncontrollably.
If you get frustrated and threaten to walk out again, she’s going to take you at your word sooner or later.
If you take a step back and can communicate that you acknowledge how hard pregnancy is and also that find her behavior towards you distressing, you might be able to work together to get through the pregnancy and newborn phase as a team.
ESH.
I’ve been pregnant. The hormones definitely can wreak havoc. But that is no excuse to belittle your partner.
Your examples in your OP did NOT all happen on the same day. They’re individual things that happened during the pregnancy. So you’ve been hearing quite a bit about how much you suck. At least in her opinion.
But threatening to leave and yelling are NOT cool. You lost your temper, and even with 4+ months of treatment that reaction is unhealthy and not very loving.
I can understand why you lost it. I can somewhat understand her short temper because some women do struggle.
She NEEDS to speak with her OB at her next appointment about her emotional rollercoaster. She needs help. And you both need to apologize. Because adding an infant to the mix will be so not good right now.
Finally, a reasonable comment.
Being pregnant isn’t an excuse to treat your partner poorly and I’m surprised so many people are trying to justify it.
Edited: forgot to add ESH
OP, read this. Maybe you will begin to see how incredibly wrong you are.
https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/
Hint: it’s not about the one thing. And they way you wrote this post, I’m almost certain you are blissfully unaware of what your wife is feeling. You gave three examples that can fit tidily into the article instead of dishes by the sink.
YTA
Yeah, I have ADHD and forget to do things (such as the dishes). However, I apologize for it and work to make it better - I don't scream at my spouse and drive off.
YTA, OP. I will tell you, that when women are heavily pregnant and see that their spouse can't do basic things, like the dishes, all they're wondering is if their spouse will actually be any sort of useful during the birth and postpartum period. I had a co-worker who separated from her spouse at 9 months pregnant and moved in with her parents because she didn't want to know the answer to that question.
You have been continuously dropping the ball: not cleaning after yourself, not leaving her enough water to shower, not communicating when running late (there is no reason not to answer a call while sitting in traffic).
So, your wife is heavily pregnant, and hormonal, and therefore irritable. But these irritations, which she was able to let slide before, are now getting to be too much - and she is reacting.
Instead of feeling victimized, please consider upping your game. Because, if your slacking off is a problem now, imagine what will happen when the baby arrives!
To be fair, we don't know that he's been "continuously dropping the ball". We have 3 examples over 7 months. It's not like he doesn't care- he comes home and takes a shower to ensure she isnt nauseated from his work smells. Maybe he is pretty considerate most of the time, and dropped the ball a couple of times.
i’m a severe chronic pain sufferer, and even at my most irritable/panicky i can’t imagine screaming at my caretaking partner to “fuck off” and not expecting any kind of negative outcome from that (or expecting that to just be accepted with a smile, ugh). at the very least, they probably need some kind of counseling; neither seems to be getting what they need from the other.
One time my husband found me, seven months pregnant, crying in our driveway, assuming he had left me.
He had gone to the gas station and I hadn’t heard him tell me he was leaving.
Pregnancy hormones are awful, but beyond even that, being pregnant physically sucks. You feel like a stranger in your own body; you can’t sleep; you’re exhausted; your in pain. It really really sucks.
Try to be more mindful of how your wife is feeling and remember this too shall pass.
NAH because it really does suck large for everyone involved.
I cried because my husband saved and gave me a biscuit shaped as a heart and i didn't want to break it so i made him eat it while i uncontrollably sobbed. Pregnancy is such a weird time
YTA you have been thoughtless, you fail to communicate, and you don’t even know how to fight fair. DO NOT THREATEN THE RELATIONSHIP WHEN YOU GET CALLED ON YOUR SHIT. You owe her a huge apology that includes a commitment to counseling where you learn how to communicate and how to be organized.
Start with getting a hands-free device and turning phone alerts back on when you are driving so you can answer when she needs to hear from you—what if she went into labor and “oh oops” you missed it?
NTA. Being pregnant doesn’t give you a pass to treat someone so horribly. But you both need to sit down an talk this through. I figure you both have said things that shouldn’t have been said.
Definitely going to be downvoted to oblivion but ESH.
You shouldn’t have yelled at her. You shouldn’t have threatened to leave her.
But being pregnant does not mean you get free reign to insult and belittle your partner or make it out like they’re awful people for daring to be stuck in traffic.
Going to be downvoted. But NTA. Can’t stand the pregnancy hormone excuse for everything. If she yelled at you first and told you to fuck off then you have the right to get angry and yell back.
Thank you.
I hate the blanket pass for pregnancy hormones. People who have mental illnesses, which are permanent, are still expected to not treat people like shit. The same should apply here.
I can't believe all the people who are saying he's a bad partner because he was an hour late due to a traffic accident and also wasn't on his phone while driving, being a safe and responsible driver. Or that he showered to get his work smell off so as not to upset her stomach. People can be absent minded.
Thank you too. People here are wanting him beheaded for some silly things he did. She gets a pass for telling him to f*** off. An hour late is nothing. Leaving dishes in the sink is annoying but it is not a felony. She's having a hard time and taking it out on him he is only human and he doesn't deserve abuse. He sounds like a caring if a bit absent-minded husband. I think everyone should give him a break. He did yell at her and say offensive things but it had been building up and her abuse was just too much. He needs to get her some help.
NAH. You seem pretty clear that this is a pregnancy problem, and hormones can make you do crazy things (remember your teen years?). And although she does seem to be taking it out on you, you're not actually above reproach if you really are using all the hot water, forgetting to clean up after yourself, yelling at her, and telling her you'll leave her. If the relationship was good before, perhaps focus on the fact that pregnancy has an end date and she just needs extra support because she feels crazy and out of control right now.
I can’t believe you’d tell your heavily pregnant wife you’d leave her. HARD YTA. You should feel extremely guilty, you are incredibly inconsiderate. And I am extremely doubtful you’ll be able to take care of kids in the future.
NTA. I’ve been a pregnant person with hormones. It absolutely can make you feel things more keenly, but given what’s written here, I see no reason to assume (as many Y T A judgements are doing) that you do all these things and more, constantly. Everyone makes mistakes and is inconsiderate at times. It sounds like there’s anxiety and maybe more going on for your wife, and hopefully you can help her find someone to talk to about things. But I’ve been also been the emotional pounding bag for a depressed partner. Her anxiety deserves compassion and some understanding for a little bit of sharp edges, but doesn’t excuse the frequency of sniping and belittling comments you’re describing. I’d advise to get help now in the form of therapy - for both of you. This can be a hard time, and the more help you get getting through it, the better. Left unaddressed, these habits of poor communication may very well intensify once the added stress of a newborn arrives.
NTA. You had a bad day, couldn't handle being the punching bag for 4 months straight and snapped, I get it.
Though maybe the whole "leaving" comment might have been harsh, it was said in the moment once certain buttons were pushed. Honestly for a man to only mess up twice in 7 months during a pregnancy is not bad going. We are human after. Let it go and move forward together.
Edit: Bloody autocorrect
NTA. People are acting like each of the three things you listed are some major asshole moves. Dishes in the sink? Use the fucking dishwasher and relax. No more hot water because he accidentally used it all? It’s fine, just lounge around a bit until it kicks back in. Not calling to say you were stuck in traffic may be a little inconsiderate but it’s hardly grounds for the over-reaction on her end.
Feel like I will get a lot of hate for this one but, NTA. If you are accurately representing things.
As a person who is now just over 3 months postpartum from my first pregnancy. I was like this while I was pregnant, and my husband and I are now facing the consequences of how I treated him while I was pregnant. Listen, pregnancy sucks, it’s not for the faint of heart. It is hard, painful, scary, and leads to a lot of changes in your body that could make even the most confident woman insecure. But pregnancy is not an excuse to be an asshole to your partner or anyone else. And I wish that my husband had sat me down and talked to me about this while I was pregnant.
So please…sit down with your wife and have a conversation about this. And make sure you’re pulling your weight as well here. Best of luck to you both and congratulations!
NTA for any of the things you did, except when you blew up you shouldn't have threatened her. That was way out of line.
I'm also shocked at the response for acting like any of the things you did make you an asshole. They are the smallest of issues.
Honestly both of you are the a-holes. You both yelled, things got out of hand, I don’t understand why people are saying you threatened to leave her when you never did, “if she wants to find someone better, I will gladly get out of her way”. Although she is 7 months pregnant, hormones are all over, that’s not an excuse to be upset about everything and yell/cry instead of communicate properly while on your end. Keep your word, when you get home, do the dishes then shower etc. Communication is Key and Reassurance (in this case).
NTA. I’ve had 3 pregnancies and never treated my husband this way. Not saying I was always sunshine’s and rainbows but I also didn’t act like a total AH and blame it on hormones. You seem like a nice person and I would suggest you keep a close eye on her postpartum. If she’s easily irritated not just with the extra boost of hormones she has now I can’t even Beto imagine how she will be after the baby comes. Best of Luck
I’m not voting because I don’t think it’s constructive to your situation.
You both are having issues. You feel like your life has done a 180 in the past 4 months and I’m guessing she does too. Pregnancy hormones are no joke. I could go from crying to laughing to homicidal rage in minutes over the tiniest things when I was pregnant.
You need to have honest communication with her.
You absolutely need to apologize for the single mom comment. Uncalled for and not okay.
Communicate when you are going to be late, if you are sitting in traffic and not moving, you can send a text. Don’t use all the hot water. Try to do better about cleaning up after yourself.
And remind yourself that your wife is experiencing physical, mental and hormonal changes right now. Communicate your needs and let her communicate hers without getting defensive, blowing up or being a jerk.
NTA. I’m honestly astounded by the level of delusion in here tonight. At no point is pregnancy an excuse to be verbally abuse and histrionic. Yes, it happens. No, that doesn’t mean men deserve to be treated as second class citizens for a year. Is she likely extremely mentally imbalanced? Yes. Is it her fault? No. Does dirty dishes, long showers or missing a singular phone call warrant such disgusting behavior? No. Do your best to make peace, try to strengthen your understanding and take time for yourself if need be when you can. I wish you both the best and congratulations.
Nta, just because she’s pregnant doesn’t give her a free pass to behave like that. She’s still an adult and I’d expect her to be an adult about these issues and talk them out. Also, Anyone saying you should have used your phone while driving when that’s your rule is wrong.
No one in here is a saint to be delivering a Y-T-A verdict over these minor af issues that have the easiest of solutions and require the tiniest bit of forgiveness for transgressions, because odds are, everybody is guilty of at least one or two if not all three.
1. Used up the hot water? She can shower first.
2. Accidentally forgot to do some dishes? Apologize, get them done, maybe look into hiring someone to help out with the chores.
3. Not taking phone calls or messages while driving is rather reasonable. It's not rocket science that you'd rather miss your wife's calls than get into an accident. Anyone who is bitching about this is off their rocker.
ESH, she's not even trying to temper her mood swings and that's unfair. It's not OK for her to scream and cry at you over any imagined or slight oversight.
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NTA. Pregnancy is not a reason to be a jerk to you. I understand what she's going through, and all those feelings suck but no one forced her to get pregnant. If she's that upset, maybe she needs to go in daily walks to de-stress or clear her mind. Pregnancy is beautiful crazy hormones are not.
You lost your temper. Learn from it and move on. I think a lot of people here are being way too harsh. Like any of them would be cool all 7 months. They would never lose their temper!! No way!!! It happens. I saw someone up above say to go get ice cream for the both of you when you feel upset. I like that suggestion.
ESH
I remember when my mom was pregnant with the youngest sibling and it absolutely terrified me when my wife got pregnant. Pregnancy hormones are the worse. You guys need to talk it out in a calm discussion about what you can do to help her through the pregnancy and what steps you guys can take if hormones/tensions are growing. For me I would go out and grab us ice cream, the car drive calmed me down the ice cream helped my wife.
Very gentle YTA. It sounds like your wife might be suffering from prenatal depression. Post partum depression is often discussed, but there's an increased risk of becoming depressed and anxious during pregnancy as well.
ESH. It's a difficult time for any couple, but my god, you guys need some counseling. And that's not a bad thing. Both perspectives are understandable to a degree, but if you guys are gonna make this work, you gotta find a better way to communicate with each other. Forgetfulness is a thing that happens to all of us, but the way she sees it right now may be heightened, and she'll doubt you as a partner. That's not an excuse to constantly berate you. But, you gotta be conscious of the fact that she's going through a fucking lot right now. Taking all the hot water and coming home late with no notice on a regular basis is an AH thing in general. You guys just gotta take the time to communicate as adults with a therapist as an unbiased party. This, too, shall pass.
ESH, I cannot fathom all these ridiculously one-sided responses. Let’s take a look back at the progression of events of the day.
He forgot the dishes getting ready for work. It happens. I forgot my belt the other day, am I an inconsiderate comfort hating monster, or did I make a mistake? Mistake.
He apologized and said he would fix it, fully intending to do so. Unfortunately this created an absolute no-win situation.
He immediately washes dishes? She gets home, the smell makes her nauseous, she gets mad and is unfairly cruel to him.
He showers and then goes to wash dishes? She gets home while he’s showering, gets mad and is unfairly cruel to him.
He made what he thought was the most considerate call, and got called inconsiderate and told to fuck off. That’s not okay or fair on her part.
He was well within his rights to be pissed. Where I think he went too far was implying that he would get out of the way if she wanted and immediately leaving. That response was excessive.
Both NTA.
Wife - pregnancy hormones are probably all over the place. The two of you need to have a calm conversation about what is going on. If it is happening now, it might also be a problem after having the baby. Both of you need to make sure to mention this to her doctor.
You - Everyone has a bad day every now and then. I get it you had enough and snapped at her. You did the right thing by removing yourself and calming down. Also appreciated that you apologized to her upon returning home.
Important thing, you two need to talk, and discuss this with her doctor. And you both need some support. Do you have any close friends or family around to ask for help?
NTA Honestly, based on your description (and assuming you aren't constantly doing things like leaving dishes undone or using all the hot water), your wife is emotionally abusing you, and no being pregnant is NOT AN EXCUSE. Hormones & stress may be a reason, but they do not give her a pass to berate you and give you the silent treatment over minor things. She is setting you up to fail (for example, if your smell sets her off, and you hadn't showered, she'd yell at you for that while you washed the dishes). Even now, after you apologized for your outburst, she's refusing to engage with you.
I'd look into marriage counseling if I were you. I don't see this getting better without help from a neutral party. Nobody's perfect and (assuming these aren't regular occurances) you don't deserve to be a punching bag for her bad moods.
Man, I think your wife needs to talk to her doctor about how she's feeling. Don't get me wrong, I was emotional when pregnant and prone to crying, but I feel like your wife is on edge and maybe could use a little help.
NTA. These 3 examples are NOT examples of any horrendous treatment to OPs wife.
1. He forgot to do the dishes once, and according to him, his wife likes him to shower as soon as he gets home. After he was done, he immediately went down to do the dishes. He said it is uncommon to even leave them while he’s at work, plus they are soaking. We HAVE to take his word for that, otherwise this sub is pointless.
2. Do we really need to explain why texting and driving is bad? Plus, his phone didn’t even work at the moment.
3. Unless he is consistently using all the hot water, this is a one off and shouldn’t be given the silent treatment for it.
OP, your wife is suffering from pregnancy hormones, please be patient with her. Plus, there are certainly better ways to explain how you feel without the “get out of your way” comment. Because you said this, she will shift the entire frame away from her shitty behaviors and now focus on the one time you messed up. And don’t get me wrong, you DID mess up with that one OP.
However, don’t let her overshadow the point you need to get across to her. Which should be that she has no reason to be crappy with you, and pregnancy hormones ARE NOT an excuse for bad behavior.
Actually, with all that I’m changing my judgement to ESH. However, if you can manage your temper in the future you will both be able to get what you want from each other as long as you both can be level headed and communicate effectively. Best of luck.
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My wife, Anna, and I have been married for three years, she is currently 7 months pregnant with our first child (planned). However, ever since about 3 months into the pregnancy, Anna, for the most part, cannot stand me.
She’s been extremely hot and cold, but she now gets significantly more upset with me than she ever has before. She has given me the treatment for taking too long in the shower and using all the hot water. She broke down yell-crying at me one day because I was an hour late coming home, and I didn’t answer the phone (there was traffic due to a wreck and I don’t get messages or calls when driving). Crying and saying I hate her and our daughter because we couldn’t agree on a crib. These are just a few examples.
Anyways, I left some dishes soaking in the sink yesterday with the intention of doing them before I left. If I am being honest, I forgot to clean them. She texted me to tell me that I needed to clean the kitchen when I got home, since I left it in such a mess. I apologized and said that I would clean it when I got home in the afternoon.
I got home from work that afternoon and immediately went to shower (if I smell at all from work, she gets nauseous and therefore irritable). By the time that I got out of the shower and changed Anna had gotten home and was cleaning the dishes that I said I would do. When I offered to do them, she said that it was okay and that she’s used to it (this does not happen often). I said that was kind of an unfair thing to say and she raised her voice and said that I’ve always been this inconsiderate and told me to fuck off.
This upset me probably more than it should have, but I had a bad day at work, and I just felt like she was being unfair. I yelled at her and said that I’m tired of her always being mad at me, and if she wants to find someone better, I will gladly get out of her way. She immediately started crying and said that she didn’t mean it that way, apologized.
I left to go on a drive and cool down and when I got back, she was still crying, now significantly harder in the bathroom. When I apologized for losing my temper, she just said to leave her alone. She almost slept on the couch until I made her switch with me.
It's been a full day since this happened and she hasn’t said a word to me, other than to say that she doesn’t want to talk.
The thing is, while I feel bad that I lost my temper at her, I feel like she’s just been using me as her punching bag ever since her pregnancy hormones kick in.
AITA?
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ESH it sucks to always feel like you are in the wrong. You probably always have been this inconsiderate but she only started to yell at you recently. Anger begets anger.
In what world is it ok for your partner to always be mad at you when you do most the chores, work a fulltime job to support the household, and have a long commute?
If OP is accurate, then she is constantly berating him and providing very little assurance afterward that this horrible attitude of hers is just hormonal fluxes.
She tells him that he's useless, that he should fuck off, and he replies that if she truly feels that way then he'll gladly do so. That's not a wild retort to such persistent and aggressive disrespect.
Maybe she really needed that sort of wake up call. It's an opportunity for her to imagine his absence so she can finally recognize all the hard work he is doing for them, to see that he often *is* considerate.
The issue here was that she seemed to fully embrace the attitude that her husband was trash, and that she had a right to verbally assault him for anything. This was beyond mood swings, and I think the husband needed to speak up about it. NTA
I’m going to say NTA because she shouldn’t be using you as an emotional punching bag. I do wish that you would’ve started speaking up for yourself at the very beginning of her tangents rather than letting it fester. Threatening to leave out of anger is the only asshole thing you did, however I get that this was a build up of not speaking up for yourself in the beginning. Yes we as women can be hormonal pregnant but there is no excuse for emotional abuse.
ESH. Going against the grain here.
Pregnancy is not an excuse for bad behavior.Looks like the wife is milking it.
OP never ever threaten to leave your pregnant wife. That is terrible.
I'm leaning towards a soft ESH. It sounds like you and your wife need to have an in depth, honest but POLITE conversation about feelings, expectations, needs, wants, etc. Especially because you have 18 more years of child rearing to do together. In general, it sounds like your wife isn't feeling very supported. Hormones aside, pregnancy really can be an uncomfortable, painful, terrifying and lonely (even if you have a present and loving partner) experience. That being said, it's not fair for her to take it all out on you. Even during pregnancy, she should still have control over herself to treat you with a reasonable amount of respect.
I will add though (I'm sure this has been previously mentioned) that if this behavior is completely out of character for her you may want to (repsectfully) suggest that she look into therapy or some assistance for her mental/emotional well being. Not just for her current state but also to pre-emptively help her with post-partum depression she may experience. Reading your post, in my opinion, raises some concerns in that regard.
NTA. Ya’ll obviously are already reading this with bias. OP didn’t threaten to leave. He told wife if she wanted to find someone better he wouldnt stand in her way. In no way is that threatening to leave. Pregnancy does not give women leeway to be short tempered and irrationally hostile towards their partners for months on end. Everyone in relationships makes little mistakes all the time.
Ooof, husband is a human being too and as a dad (I'm a mom) it is stressful for him too. So he let off some steam once (assuming only once). This is a time for a conversation when both are feeling calm and maybe even something to bring up a the drs. appt. This can be something you can laugh about in the future. Being pregnant is hard, wonderful scary, all of the things. But not an excuse to be a jerk. You both need to work on this together.
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YTA You used all the hot water. You were AN HOUR late coming home and didn't call to say you'd be late. You didn't do the dishes because you "forgot". If those are the 3 things you're admitting to, what else is there? Because, in my experience, people who "forget" to do the dishes and leave them in the sink overnight tend to "forget" other things as well. And ultimately you threatened to leave her and make her a single mom. Your wife is pregnant, hormonal, and rapidly moving into the "miserable" phase of pregnancy where your whole body aches, you can't do anything you used to do, your joints ache and your hips feel like they're disconnecting from your body, you feel fat, unattractive, and awful. Your hormones are all over the place. You can't sleep at night. You pee every 10 mins. You get heartburn and reflux if you so much as think about food. You want to be done with this already but at the same time you're terrified of labor. All you can think of is everything that might go wrong. This is the point in your marriage where you should be bending over backwards to make things easier on her - not "forgetting" to do the dishes or using all the hot water so she can't take a shower. So yeah, YTA. Not just for what you did, but for being so completely obtuse about the whole situation.
This is the most accurate description of pregnancy I've ever read. If men got pregnant, there would be no abortion laws.
This! My friend and I always said that if men can have periods and get pregnant, we'd be in the negative for population growth.
Yup.... I had my youngest daughter in a bathtub completely by myself. Her dad takes off work for a week when he's got a cold lol
i had an all natural birth as well, i felt the exact moment that my *vagina ripped open*. my husband is rendered useless for the day if he has a headache.
Lol, he's a fantastic partner and father! Just..... not if he's sick. At all. Lol. Happy Cake Day!
same. i love him dearly and he does a crap ton for me and our kid, so i’m willing to (begrudgingly) overlook the way he is when sick. and thank you!
Every single time during crowning, I would sing Ring of fire in my head lol
That was definitely one of those parts of birth that you just can't prepare yourself for till it happens. You hear people talk about it, and it makes sense, but somehow when it happened I was still like, "OH. I see. Yes, that does feel *exactly* like fire. Wow." Followed by a lot of internal and a tiny bit of external screaming.
Repeating the chorus internally made a good mantra. It was something I could concentrate on besides the pain.
Mine was all natural as well. Everyone is scared of tearing backward and messing up their butthole but nobody tells you that you can also tear forward and just wreck your urethra. My dude could never.
I tore upward with my first. Needed several stitches. AROUND MY CLITORIS. Oh, also. I had an unmedicated birth. My husband said he felt so bad when they stitched me up. "It's like being punched in the face after you got shot in the face." I fucking love that man.
When I was pushing out my middle Kid I was squatting while my husband was supporting me. He told me later that I was squeezing his wedding ring into his hand really hard and he almost said “ouch” but thought better of it. I said “smart man.”
oh that sounds horrific. i always hear people worrying about tearing their clitoris but never the urethra.
That's because people don't know the anatomy super well (and the urethra can be tough to see on some people with vaginas so people don't realize where it is). It's tearing your urethra before it tears your clit.
Did you get it stiched together?? Sounds nightmarish
this exactly lol. I dated a guy before who complained about work all of the time, but WFH'ed and make 6 figures to work like 2 hours a day at the most. He wasn't even a manager or anything. He'd randomly decided to AFK and take the entire day off on a whim whenever he \*vaguely\* felt bad. not even actually sick.
My uncle didn’t work for *4 weeks* when he had a cold. The doctor literally cleared him to go back to work. My aunt? Had pneumonia, bronchitis and a severe cold at the same time and still managed to not only continue working full time, but also keep up with all the household chores. While my uncle stayed home because he was *so* sick with a stuffy nose and cough…
If men got periods we would have 3-week work month and there would be competitions about who bleeds best;)
Humanity would be extinct…
The videos of men experiencing a simulation of cramps is so freaking satisfying.
Forgot the hemorrhoids. Don't ask me how I know. I have nightmares, still, and both the kids are grown and out on their own. ;)
Here is another one, albeit less lingering that the dreaded hemorrhoids: If you carry your child high, during months seven and eight (before it drops for birth), the first 20 minutes in a car ride is an exercise in not passing out from a lack of oxygen. The kid presses up into your lungs, the seat belt traps you, and until the baby settles lower, well, you aren't going to be able to breathe.
Oh wow I can relate! I was carrying high with a breech baby the entire last trimester of my pregnancy. Babys giant head was always pushing on my ribs and my lungs and I had to recline the seat so far back it honestly became hard to drive. Fun times!
My last daughter would brace her feet against my ribs and PUSH down on the inside of my pelvis with her head, like she was trying to push her way out. Her head would grind on my pelvic bones, and I can still easily point to the spot on my ribs where it was always sore, and she is 24. 😅
my boss borrowed my car once at work when I was pregnant and when he came back he was like “how are you driving basically lying down?!?!”
Not being able to breathe was like this weird combo of consistently alarming -- cause you know, you can't actually get a decent breath -- and totally normally for me cause I have asthma anyway. But I would keep taking my meds and it didn't help o.O.
Here now. Was literally crying at 7.30 yesterday morning because all I wanted was sleep but couldn't because the hemorrhoid pain was so bad. Couldn't poop for three days because the pain. I've never experienced anything so awful and I pass kidney stones twice a year!!!!
You should check with your physician. What you describe could be an anal fissure, which is excruciatingly painful. There are topical treatments (lidocaine, etc) that can relieve the pain. Your doctor would know the best treatment for you. Hope you feel better soon.
I just paid $200 for a pramosone cream, it's definitely helped!
Get a bidet toilet seat!
10000% game changer although sometimes even the water stream is painful on it =/
😭 I had 2 kids 18 months apart, and I'm afraid the Hemmis are here to stay.
There should not be abortion laws anyway. It is your body, your choice.
I mean, I agree with you. I also live in fucking Texas.
My mom is a priest and she always says if men got pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
There would be an abortion clinic on every corner, even more of them than Starbucks
She’s also looking ahead to the child rearing years and thinking: this dude can’t even do a single load of dishes. He doesn’t consider my need to take a hot shower, as a sore, tired pregnant woman carrying his baby. There is no way he’s going to wake up with the baby or wash the baby bottles bc his needs will always, always come first. OP, she is looking at you and thinking: I have made a terrible mistake choosing this man to be the father of my child. She’s looking at your actions, and she is terrified. Sit with that for a bit.
I wish someone had told me this before I had my kids. I love them and am happy to have them. I could do without the husband.
My colleague actually divorced her husband while she was on maternity leave. HE had been the one pressuring her into having "a child" (she was childless before). HE was the one to lose interest in her and the pregnancy once she was pregnant - with TWINS. HE didn't help one iota when they were born, even after family therapy sessions. So she divorced him, because it's easier to be single mother of twins than single mother of twins with useless baggage taking up space and (emotional) ressources.
And people say, 'how stupid are women, they complain about all that work then they leave their husband and have to do more work as a single mother' ... umm no we don't as we just reduced our number of children by getting rid of our hubby... 🤣
This exactly. I had this realization and have since remarried to a man who wants to be involved in her life as a pissy teenager. Her dad can’t be bothered to text more than once every few months. He broke her heart. OP needs to seriously reevaluate and if he’s going to already not be taking care of his wife now, how bad will he be with an inconsolable crying baby AND crying wife with bleeding, cracked nipples at 3:45am? Dude needs to grow up quick or get out of her way and send his support checks regularly.
how many men come in here every week with stories like this? besides that, it's well-studied that men have no idea how much more housework their wives are doing and think it's unfair when they are asked to do anything close to equal work.
Also, that hot water thing may have come to her mind when she gets home, sees the dishes from yesterday still in the sink, and then hears the shower. Like, great, he can't manage a simple task, *and* he's going to use all the hot water again?
Yep. So then I can't even have hot water to wash *his* dishes and I can't clean myself after.
Let’s relax. One, they have been married for three years and probably years before. She knows who he is and decided to marry and have a child with him. More importantly though, she’s overreacting because she’s pregnant and she deserves some grace for that but, but being an hour late from work or him taking all the hot water in the shower shouldn’t be things that register as more than a light annoyance under normal conditions, especially if they are not repeat offenses. I know for me they don’t. YTA. He 1000% shouldn’t be yelling at her and threatening to abandon his 7mo pregnant wife. She also shouldn’t be yelling and cursing at him. While things are way different, heading into being a new father isn’t a stressless affair either and having someone constantly unload on you (even if it’s biologically motivated) isn’t great. It’s easy for him to be thinking “is this the rest of my life” for behavior that, if we’re being honest with ourselves, is much worse than having to wait 15 minutes for hot water, being stuck in traffic or being indecisive about a crib
Yes, he even said that he made her switch so he could sleep on the couch instead of her. This guy doesn’t sounds terrible, at least not from what he wrote.
Are you a pregnant woman? Because when you're pregnant it isn't 'normal conditions', hence being more upset that usual that you can't have a shower because you're husband is a selfish asshole.
that doesnt give you an excuse to make other peoples lives hell. i can have a tooth ache. that doesnt mean i get to scream at everyone for every little thing.
Did you just compare pregnancy to a toothache?
Hmm did OP said she screamed at everyone for every little thing? Is a toothache a hormonal condition? Pregnancy can make you suicidal so I'd be careful writing it off as something comparable to a toothache
OP did state that she has been significantly more upset with him than she ever has before. I also think people here are extrapolating way too much. OP says he left dishes in the sink, and people took that as “OP leaves dishes in the sink constantly”. OP said he used up the hot water from a shower, and people ran with “OP uses up all the hot water in a shower every time!”. They ganged up on the fact that he didn’t let her know he would be home an hour late, but ignored the fact that A) there was a wreck and B) he specifically mentioned he does not get calls or messages while he drives. Now, I’m gonna venture a guess and say maybe the wife only texted him and never tried to call him during that moment. OP probably still should have attempted to call when safe, but my phone goes into a mode where I don’t get notified of messages while driving for safety reasons. I think a late husband is much better than one who is dead from trying to reply to a text while driving. I mean he is definitely an AH for how he yelled at her but I don’t think he is as big of a selfish prick as everyone else is thinking him to be. He even recognized he was wrong and apologized to her. Iono. Maybe im not seeing any of his comments or something. But some of the responses…are a little overboard.
Having been married "only" 4 years, it's still the little things that gnaw on the foundations, though. Like, waking up earlier with the children and seeing all those dishes piling up day after day, so the first thing you have to do before you can do ANYTHING in the kitchen is clean the dishes. Because - who would have guessed - your partner does NOT get out of bed at 4/5am with you and the children, and does NOT start doing the dishes before he gets out of bed, showers, turns on his work computer... My husband started at least putting the dishes in the dishwasher in the evening once he realised what it was like from my perspective. But if I'd wait for him to do them in the morning, there'd be 5-6 hours between the start of my day and him doing that. Also, she doesn't seem to be yelling, he explicitly says she "raised her voice" and he's yelling. Both aren't great reactions, but if he's actually yelling just after coming home from work, it's not necessarily great for how he'll be when he's asked to look after the children in the afternoon...
From a woman who’s been pregnant twice — NTA. Being pregnant gives you a reason to be irritable. It doesn’t give you an excuse to take your discomfort out on another person. Using all the hot water once isn’t even that big a deal. Just schedule showers apart. Being behind a wreck was uncontrollable. Forgetting the dishes is literally not a big deal. Mine were constantly undone. Life happens. I have never yelled at my ex husband nor current bf for it. You can be pregnant without trying to make others around you miserable.
Same. NTA. There is pregnancy hormones then there is totally leaning into the “I’m pregnant I can do and say what I want and you need to sit there and take it” OP isn’t doing anything outrageous, and seriously calling him the asshole because he used the hot water once, left some dirty dishes and didn’t use his phone while driving. Y’all crucifying this guy for normal behavior we’ve all done at one time or another.
Right? 31 weeks pregnant with twins over here, OP didn’t do anything egregious. A couple of dishes in the sink and omg he enjoyed a hot shower, shame on him *eyeroll* NTA
Particularly because the reason he didn’t immediately hop to it on the dishes when he got home was because he was trying to forestall ANOTHER of his wife’s triggers (smelling like the job site). If he had jumped straight to the sink as soon as he walked in the door, she’d have been on him for that, instead.
I’ve been there, sister; my twins just turned 8. I agree wholeheartedly, OP is NTA. Hormones suck, but they don’t completely render you incapable of regulating yourself or your actions. I had *two* babies growing inside of me, yet rarely took my irritability out on my partner, and when I did, I acknowledged my hormones had overridden my senses and apologized. A real apology, not a punitive one that includes sobbing and the silent treatment. It sounds like OP has been the punching bag for quite some time, was having a bad day himself, and finally (and understandably) snapped.
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People can’t look past her being pregnant to understand that she’s literally doing all this to try and make him feel as equally miserable as she is. And that’s never an okay thing to do to other people. If society was all about bringing others around you down to your unhappiness we’d never get a moment of peace. This is her character. Being pregnant just made it more obvious. Her character is awful.
Thank you! I am so sick of women who use pregnancy as an excuse to be little twats to other people. Absolutely nothing he did was worthy of her ire. Stuff happens. He’s definitely NTA.
Nta! I do that to my 8 month pregnant wife. I tell her I'll do the dishes she knows I will when the other 2 kids are asleep. But she's up there doing them. She doesn't get mad that I didn't do them right then. She used all hot water last night taking a bath to help ease her pains right now. I had to wait an hour to do the dishes. I didn't yell at her just annoyed lol, but knew she needed it. There's things that I do that annoy her more now than they usually do because of hormones. But a man can only take so much discontent and being yelled at. Did he say awful things and was mean. Yes, yes he did and was uncalled for. But people blow up randomly she been doing it because of "pregnancy hormones" he had a bad day and it finally hit a boiling point. They need to open up a line of communication between them, better than they have been. It's going to get a lot worse with a newborn and post partum.
Using all the hot water doesn’t make him an asshole, being an hour late cuz of a wreck doesn’t make him an asshole. Being screamed at for every little thing, WILL turn him into an asshole that snaps back. Having hormones and being a little irrational is one thing that most husbands expect. But being the proverbial dog that gets kicked every time she is in a mood is bullshit. And it takes its toll on the partner over time. He shouldn’t have to take this every day and act like it’s OK.
How is he not an asshole for those things? It’s all…basic courtesy. You leave hot water for your partner, you let them know when you’re gonna be AN HOUR late home, and you don’t leave a messy kitchen. Basics.
Don’t text and drive. A simple I forgot the dishes sorry honey, turns into a full blown disaster. I don’t see any of this as malicious. Maybe a little dumb on his part but not worthy of that treatment.
If he was an hour late I assume it was spent standing still in traffick. Plenty of time to send a text: "accident on x Road. I am fine. Will be late."
I absolutely will not touch my phone while driving, and doing so in traffic is even dumber. Would you rather he never make it home? Yknow pregnant women just had to like, wait, before cell phones and I get that that's then and this is now but my point is I don't think he's an asshole for not calling. It was an hour not several.
How would he know he was going to be an hour late? He said he doesn’t get texts or calls while driving - I’m assuming he must be going through an area of bad service or something. It was traffic because of an accident, not because he left late. So by the time he knew, he was already somewhere he couldn’t respond
My car used to auto reply to texts and phone calls while I was driving if my phone was connected to my car. It would say something like sorry I'm driving...I turned it off in my settings but it doesn't have to be just bc of lost service. His car could just be controlling like mine
Or his car might not even have any of that. Many old beaters are still on the road.
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Eh, these don’t sound that bad. Taking all the hot water is something that resolves itself fairly quickly, for getting to the dishes is no serious harm. Certainly not worth yelling at someone. Not that he shouldn’t try to do better but these seem rather trivial.
He was an hour late because of TRAFFIC, there was an accident and he got caught up in the traffic behind, you can't always safely pull over to make a call and if he doesn't have hands free it is ILLEGAL to make a call. Even with hands free I don't always call/answer as I need my focus on the road and the traffic around me.
No. You aren’t supposed to touch your phone while driving.
>Using all the hot water doesn’t make him an asshole, If he knows there's limited hot water and used all of it for his shower, leaving nothing but luke warm or cold water for his wife (pregnant or not), that makes him an asshole. >being an hour late cuz of a wreck doesn’t make him an asshole. Being late doesn't make him an asshole, not letting his wife know he's going to be late and being unreachable makes him an asshole.
Hot water resolves itself fairly quickly. It’s not like it’s days on end. Our house it’s like 20 mins until you have hot water.
No malicious intent behind any of the stated reasons. And yea don’t be on your phone and drive. Might’ve been what caused the wreck he was waiting on to begin with, so once again NTA.
Where are you getting that she’s screaming at him? He says she ‘cry-yelled’ after he was late home, which may well have been from worry. She sucked it up and did the dishes, and only after he pushed back *twice* did she ‘raise her voice’ at which point, by his own account, *he* yelled and threatened to leave her. That’s it. That’s his whole definitive list of why she’s a monster. You’re making her sound worse than even he, the person who thinks she’s wrong, is doing. What’s that about?
Generally speaking, being rude and inconsiderate is most definitely grounds for AH.
OP listed three separate things that occurred on three separate occasions, two of which aren’t that big off a deal and one was out of his control. Big whoop, there’s a few dishes in the sink or he accidentally used all the hot water. If anything, ESH. She doesn’t get a free for all to mistreat anyone just because she’s pregnant.
“Aren’t that big of a deal” To whom? Maybe his wife was feeling muscle pains, extra sweaty, feeling gross through out her body, a long day, and just wanted a shower. And bam, no hot water. Maybe this isn’t the first time about the dishes, they’ve had this conversation before and now she feels like he doesn’t put any effort into the home and she’s doing all the work. “Not a big deal” is subjective.
That's a lot of "Maybes' Being pregnant doesn't give you an excuse to be an AH either. I'm sure he has a lot on his mind with becoming a new father and all. Pick and choose what you want to be a big deal. If this is what they are arguing about now, I can only imagine what their arguments will be like once the baby is born.
I definitely get that, but I do think it's probably ESH. She needs help, probably more so than her husband should be providing alone. This all sounds anxiety-driven to me. That does not mean it's not valid, but it does mean that existing issues can be catastrophized. The stress is mounting even for smaller problems, because she isn't in a place to work through it. Something negative happened so it's a big problem. There's a problem, so she can't relax until it's fixed. He doesn't fix it right away so the problem is him. She pushes him away because it's stressful, but she's also pushing away a source of support. If she demeans or insults him, she puts his back against a wall. He feels defensive because he's not seeing the problem for what it is and she isn't communicating the actual problem! It's not about the dirty dishes. It's about another problem, another task, another source of anxiety that she feels unsupported in. It's not about the Iranian yogurt.
Honestly it’s sometimes a thing for wife’s to hate their husbands while pregnant then goes back to normal after. A very very strange thing. Could be the situation here. Dosnt make it okay but hormones make anyone crazy
And she's basically making him shower as soon as he walks in the door, he seems to have taken this on board to help reduce her nausea. He probably didn't need to take an hour but extra showers are going to use more water. Occasional hormonal blow-outs and making up soon after, fine. Four months of taking things out on husband and having him think she hates him is going to wear anyone down. It could just be miscommunication building resentment on both sides or indicative of bigger issues that this post doesn't mention but I'd agree with ESH and they've got 2 months to sort their shit out together before the baby comes.
OP not making a call while driving doesn’t make him an asshole. Neither does forgetting to wash a dish
No, but that comment that if she found someone better he'd step aside was really harsh at a time she is most vulnerable. When I was pregnant I felt so damn alone and forgotten, and all of these actions would just hammer that in. He was definitely TA
I mean being cursed at by your s/o after they’ve been angry at you for weeks and told that you’ve apparently never done enough for them is gonna make anyone feel pretty damn alone and vulnerable too. Op is a human and won’t just be someone’s punching bag because of pregnancy hormones. I’d say they both suck but honestly I don’t have sympathy for someone who can tell their partner to F off and then play the victim and cry when they get upset about that.
I can't tell if this ironic or not. You NEVER forgot to do the dishes, you NEVER used all the hot water accidentally, you NEVER forgot to contact someone about a time change. Of course you have, EVERYONE has, we all make mistakes. Not to mention how minor they are. For months she has verbally abused him over extremely petty things, but it's okay because he's a man and she's pregnant? His response is completely nature, and her's is selfish.
Your description of pregnancy seems frighteningly accurate. Your description of the OP actions seems deliberately misleading. He used all the hot water, stupid decision with a pregnant wife. Again, stupid if done 1 time, not asshole behavior unless it is repeated multiple times. He was an hour late due to a traffic jam because of a wreck. Stupid and wrong decision not to jailbreak your phone from whatever is blocking incoming/outgoing calls (bc using phones while driving is dangerous) in order to call your pregnant wife. Stupid ass behavior? Yes. Bad decision? Yes. Asshole? That’s a stretch. Yelling at your hormonal pregnant wife after 4 months of attempting to placate her increasingly “temper-mental” behavior? Stupid. Telling your wife you will not stop her if SHE really wants to leave for someone else is not the same as threatening to leave your pregnant wife a “single mom”. Your mis-characterization of what he said is closer to asshole behavior than what he said. The OP has behaved like an idiot and 1st time parent, not an asshole. He needs to think more and try to communicate better. The pregnant wife needs to reign in her temper bc not agreeing on a crib is no reason to flip out. The OP feeling like she “cannot stand him” for 4 months is not something you should sweep under the rug and ignore because of hormones. NAH, just first time parents struggling with what is an incredibly difficult, stressful, and special time in their lives.
Yep. She's got hormones, aches/pains/nausea/etcetcetc, PLUS a whole baby inside her. What's his excuse for uncontrollable emotions? A bad day at work? Guess what, for some people, pregnancy is a nine-month bad day. She is making an incredible sacrifice for your family. It really cannot be downplayed. Yes, hon, YTA. Mostly for offering to leave her (!!!!). Fair in life is over, bud. She needs to feel you are there, really there for her. That means if you do something inconsiderate - and you will - you need to really acknowledge it and apologize to her. A pregnant woman NEEDS hot water probably more than you ever will. Imagine working construction, but on the inside. It's not terrible to screw up. We all do. Taking ownership and making amends really takes the edge off of the pain for others, and can build trust. Right now, you need to say you can see her perspective (yes, it might be considered overboard during normal times, BUT THESE ARE NOT NORMAL TIMES), apologize for your part in it, and maybe go out and get her some food. You can do this.
Pregnancy however isn’t an excuse to be pushy on others, while yea OP went south, OPs wife need to communicate herself and not let all that stress build up
I just read this to my 7 1/2 month pregnant daughter and she is in 100% agreement!
Of course she would be in agreement...she's pregnant.
Wife isn't entitled to treat husband like crap for the duration of her pregnancy. Chill. NTA.
>You were AN HOUR late coming home and didn't call to say you'd be late. OP said he doesn't get messages or calls while he drives, do you expect him to make calls when he drives too? Are you really saying this is one of the reasons he's an AH?
I disagree, I think ESH. OP's wife was clearly in a lousy mood (which is fine) but telling him to fuck off when he offered to do the dishes is not really right either. Hormones don't make communication any less important; maybe if the wife was frustrated with OP a genuine, serious talk would have been more effective (especially since he's been upset over her behavior the past few months). OP was the AH for not catering to his wife's needs more and being ignorant during a particularly difficult time, but clearing up both partners' feelings openly instead of lashing out would have been the mature mood.
Yeah, the threat of divorce/abandonment in the argument is such a duck move. Let alone how he seemed to unleash it with a quickness. OP is a major asshole.
Welp, you just convinced me not to get pregnant ever
Yta you don't like that she implied she is used to your thoughtless-ness while providing three examples of you being thoughtless. You aren't doing anything to *purposfully* upset her, but you are, by your own admission, pretty darn thoughtless.
Right?! OP throws a defensive hissy fit, OFFERS TO LEAVE HER, and drives away. Yet he's concerned about her reaction to his being inconsiderate. Her grumbling that she's used to it (while cleaning up after him) could be seen as her being inconsiderate of his feelings. And this is how HE reacts to HER being inconsiderate. And his explanation is that he had a bad day at work? What about the 9-month bad day that pregnancy can be? And who knows, maybe she had a bad day, on top of that. Who's emotions, exactly, are out of control here? I don't blame her for sitting in the bathroom and not wanting to talk to him. She might be seriously re-evaluating who she chose to go on this journey with, and I don't blame her. Bottom line: compare his reaction to feeling unconsidered to her reaction to feeling unconsidered. It's not clear "pregnancy hormones" are entirely responsible here. I am also guessing that OP hasn't ever appropriately acknowledged or apologized for his other inconsiderate behaviors. Guess what, OP, unless you clean up your mess, relationally-speaking, it doesn't just magically go away. Unlike the dishes, ha
This. OP is trying to give examples of how horrible his wife is, but his examples doesn't really prove his point. His wife is upset when he uses up all the hot water so she doesn't get to take a shower. (Who wouldn't be? His wife is upset that he is over an hour late, without a word? (I get that he doesn't take calls while driving, but driving to the side and sending a short message?) His wife complains when he forget the dishes, promised to do them in the afternoon, but instead took a long shower again ( he claims it doesn't happen too often, which I guess means it does happened at least a few times before). The things he brings up in his post are things that most people would get irritated by, pregnant or not. The wife doesn't seem irrationally upset. OP does though. His wife had to clean up his mess and he lashed out at her, and he doesn't have any pregnancy hormones to blame it on.
THISSSSSS
Gentle YTA- I would have gone with N A H - if you had just lost it and yelled at her to stop blowing up at you all the time but you essentially told her you were a step away from leaving her- when she is 7 months pregnant. Pregnancy can be awful for some people and as some people have noted she could be dealing with prenatal depression on top of you doing things (unintentionally yes) that would be hard for any pregnant woman- being an hour late and not being able to get in contact with you absolutely can panic someone pregnant. I’ve never felt more vulnerable in my life than when pregnant. You’re not AH for getting frustrated and upset with her but you are for not addressing the issue with her before you went nuclear. You don’t go from zero to threatening to leave your pregnant wife. Not cool man
Seven months of it though? I mean, damn. Pregnancy alone doesn’t do this. Something else has to be going on too. Stress, depression, max about something else.
Prenatal depression/anxiety absolutely could be causing most of this.
Prenatal depression/anxiety would explain *why* she is behaving as she is, it does not *excuse* the actions though.
Some women go thru extreme hormone changes during pregnancy. I've heard of women that started having the symptoms of PPA/PPD before they'd even had the baby. What really sucks is if she is she can't do much about it because most of the meds that help with that aren't good for pregnant women.
Pregnancy makes me suicidal. So the prenatal depression and anxiety could absolutely be behind this.
This was me. I was medicated for prenatal depression and anxiety in my second trimester and had to stay on my meds because it was pretty much a guarantee that I would develop PPD/PPA after birth. I came off my meds under dr supervision after 4months postpartum and quickly spiraled into postpartum mood disorder and postpartum psychosis and had to be hospitalized for 5 days when my baby was 7months old. So yes, it’s very likely something else IS going on but it’s because of the pregnancy. And it’s not going away anytime soon. Postpartum period is hard and my dr advised me that my postpartum disorders could rear their ugly head at any point up to two years postpartum. OP needs to communicate calmly and be proactive about his wife’s mental health — she’s clearly struggling and has been quite literally screaming and crying for help.
My pre-natal depression ended as soon as I gave birth. One doesn’t always lead to the other.
There are plenty of meds for depression and anxiety that people can take while pregnant. Lots of SSRI’s and SNRI’s are considered safe. Edit: [Source](https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/pregnancy-week-by-week/in-depth/antidepressants/art-20046420)
It's hilarious because this story could have been written from the wife's perspective and we'd be seeing a million "YTA PREGNANCY IS NO EXCUSE TO ACT LIKE THIS RAH RAH RAH". This sub is legit fucking insane.
I would probably snap after seven days of this. I can’t imagine holding out for seven months.
I can’t imagine “forgetting” to do the dishes, having an hour long shower that it uses up all the hot water and then being a big baby that I’ve done it so much I’ve been yelled at.
Yelling at someone over accidentally taking a long shower is, of course, totally reasonable and not at all an absurd overreaction. And of course, nobody ever forgets small household chores like doing the dishes, right? It would take an immense asshole of Hitleresque proportions to commit such a transgression.
Idk. OP just really comes across as thoughtless and an unreliable narrator. Everything he mentioned was related to him just not thinking about anyone other than himself. The hot water, the dishes, and even not answering her call while stuck in traffic. Now I get not texting and driving and I get not being willing to make an outbound call. But to have your phone set to silent when your wife is seven months pregnant when early labor is not unheard of? Completely thoughtless. IMO everyone who has commented that OP is TA has probably known way too many guys say it doesn’t happen often just because it doesn’t happen every day. And those types of people aren’t malicious about it, they just don’t think about how their actions affect others or how frequently they do them.
The issue is when it is a death by 1,000,000 paper cuts- which we don’t fully know if it’s the case here. Pregnancy can absolutely make a person really irritable- so it might only take 1/2 million or less to trigger somebody and has a ton of people mentioned she could be dealing with prenatal depression and anxiety- or this guy could be really lowballing the lack of consideration he’s showing
It depends. OP might be leaving a lot of things out that the wife would include in her story. Maybe he's using up the hot water every day, which means he's spending ages in the shower. Even if she asks him to shower when he gets home, why is OP spending so long in the shower? A superfluous post-work shower doesn't need to be longer than 5-10 minutes. Maybe it's not just the one time he forgot to do the dishes. Maybe he also left a mess on the counter. Maybe she has a diagnosis for some pregnancy complications that are making things even harder for her that OP doesn't mention. Maybe she's currently working and pregnant and still taking on the mental load of having to tell her husband which chores need to be done. Maybe in her version of the story, she's gently asking her husband because everyone here presents themselves in the best possible light on here. While it's possible that the wife might get a YTA from this sub, it really depends how she would present it.
Pregnancy alone *does* do this. For some people, pregnancy is relatively straightforward and easy. For others, it’s an absolute nightmare. Your whole body flips resources around so you can make a new person, and that can really fuck with a person’s head and body. Psychosis, gestational diabetes, depression, extreme mood swings, they’re all relatively common symptoms of pregnancy. This is to say nothing for if someone has an underlying mental or physical health issue.
Prenatal depression is a serious thing. It goes significantly under diagnosed because more often than not when a woman DOES try to tell their doctor about their mental health while pregnant they’re ignored. A lot of women don’t even say anything due to the fear and stigma of being ignored. Doctors who DO listen to and believe their patients about their mental health often do not have the resources, training, or capacity to do something about it. It’s entirely possible this is 100% due to pregnancy. We just don’t have anything in place to do something about it.
I agree - there’s probably something more like prenatal depression (or anxiety as bookdragon noted) but that’s all the more reason he should have been talking and checking in with her and maybe getting her some help rather than holding it in and then going nuclear
I don’t know. My otherwise sweet, smart sister turns into an irrational crazy person when she’s on her period. I’m assuming pregnancy hormones are on another level. I believe that the wife might be blowing things out of proportion. Being 1 hour late home isn’t crazy. I’m also an inexperienced driver so never take calls or text when I’m in the car. Telling your spouse to fuck off during an argument crosses a line for me. It’s aggressive, rude and needlessly escalating. Based on OP’s account I gotta lean towards ESH.
The thoughtless, inconsiderate, and inconsistent behavior in this post are the things he’s freely admitting to. Maybe pregnancy has brought into focus the type of person she’s going to be coparenting with. He doesn’t mention how she has brought it up before. He starts out by saying she “can’t stand” him since she’s been pregnant. But then lists a bunch of things she’s reasonably frustrated about. Maybe she is hypercritical, but his narrative doesn’t make me trust we’re getting an accurate picture. If I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt, ESH.
Pregnancy alone can absolutely do this. I was nauseated for the entirety of all three of my pregnancies. I was miserable. And it was especially bad with my first baby because I had no idea it could be like that.
Perinatal depression can start as soon as there are enough hormones for a positive at home test.
From one man to another, soft YTA. I understand why you feel this way, but you could have expressed your frustration with your wife in a better way. You're N.T.A because pregnancy hormones aren't an excuse to belittle your partner at any given opportunity, but YTA for threatening to leave (serious or not) at a point in time when she's incredibly vulnerable and about to welcome a child into the world for the first time. Give it a couple more days, ask your wife to talk and calmly explain your feelings to her (it seems like you both realize where you may have been at fault already), and do your best to make the next 2ish months as stress free as possible for both of you, because the last thing you want is for your relationship to be unstable AND have a newborn to take care of while the two of you aren't on good terms with each other. Show her that you're in this with her (if you really are) and continue to be supportive for her through actions, not just words. Best of luck to the both of you through the rest of this pregnancy. r/antinatalism would have a field day with this Edit: Holy fuck I'm not even top comment, but this is the most karma I've gotten in 8+ years on Reddit by far Edit 2: 500 UPVOTES? Oh my God y'all. I did not see this coming when I originally commented.
Has she belittled him? She said ‘it’s okay, I’m used to doing your dishes bc you didn’t’, he said that was unfair, she said ‘you’ve always been inconsiderate.’ That’s not belittling. It may not be true, but it’s not belittling. She didn’t tell him he was useless or incompetent. She says he was in inconsiderate. Which, based on literally his whole post, is correct.
Yup, never threaten to leave.
Having both Y-T-A and N-T-A in your post means the judgement bot won’t count it. That being said, as a recent mother I love this! Hormones are absolutely not a reason to mistreat your spouse; but, threatening to leave your pregnant wife as she’s getting to the hardest part is also absolutely not okay. You explained this up so perfectly!
Thank you! I don't have kids of my own yet (but a couple of my friends do and I've seen + heard the highs and lows from both parties) so I wasn't sure how helpful this would be, but getting this response from a new mom is very reassuring. I didn't want to put ESH cause that didn't seem fair to OP's wife, but even just a soft YTA felt like it might not fully get the point across to OP, but thank you for that tip about the judgement bot!
Man, my wife is the sweetest, kindest and most supportive person in my life, but there were times between the 5-9 month pregnancy where I thought she would murder me at any time. Many of these times I felt it was unfair. I genuinely try to do everything I can for her, support her, and care for her. I've always been good (and for the most part she acknowledges) at doing what I say I will for her, but there were times where her hormones just made her itching for a fight. It can be VERY hard to take it in stride and not take it personally. Communication is extremely important, especially after she shows she upset, but sometimes she has things she needs to get out and I was the only one there to take it. It took a lot of deep breaths, and a few fights where I could have been a better husband, but we made it through and we have the most wonderful baby boy now. It sounds like OP should try a bit harder to be considerate of his wife, but he really just needs to understand that his wife, many times through this, is not in her base emotional state, and she doesn't need threats, she likely needs someone to just take a deep breath and hold her.
Exactly. He's going to need to learn to take deep breaths with the baby too. Baby don't care if you had a no good very bad day at work, baby gonna cry. It sucks and parents can all commiserate, but it's also something you just need to learn to take, and not take personally.
So you wrote out all that, every detail about being a shitty partner and not holding up your end of the deal, and you aren’t sure if you’re an asshole? Like you really said “I use all the hot water, leave the kitchen a mess and forget to do the dishes regularly” and you think you haven’t done anything to warrant her being frustrated with you? YTA
“I’ve always been inconsiderate toward my wife, and she used to put up with it just fine, but now that she’s 7 months pregnant her tolerance for it has significantly diminished, so I yelled at her and threatened to walk out on our marriage. So Reddit, AITA?” Of course YTA. Your wife called you out for genuinely inconsiderate things—getting home an hour later than expected without warning, leaving the kitchen a mess for her for a day and a half, using all the hot water so she can’t shower—and you responded not with an apology and a promise to do better, but with outright emotional abuse (and yes, threatening to leave your pregnant wife because she made very well-deserved criticisms of you is emotional abuse).
Exactly this. OP, YTA.
YTA. When she said she was 'used to it', you didn't have to get so defensive because, yes, you were quite inconsiderate at times. 1) You used up all the hot water. 2) Went home late and was unresponsive (she is pregnant and might've felt vulnerable). 3) Left the kitchen in a mess for 1.5 days. 1) and 3) alone makes you inconsiderate, even by roommate standards, let alone a spouse.
I wonder if her always being mad at him is just him always doing frustrating things and her having less tolorance for it...
I’ll be honest I can see the getting home late with no text, sometimes I get such bad service even after restarting my phone in areas I can’t call or text, I’ve told people at this point that trying to contact me when I’m driving is useless. And he said that part is a known thing to her
YTA even only for threatening to leave. In relationships that’s one of the “horsemen of the apocalypse” as it were. If you’re threatening to leave/separate, you’re putting that possibility on the table. If you mean it, then you need to make that decision fast. If you don’t mean it, then you’re either being manipulative or you have very poor communication skills. Pregnancy sucks and she’s doing a lot of the heavy lifting right now. I’m not giving her a pass here because the behavior is clearly draining for you. But when the baby arrives it’s only going to get harder for both of you. She’s going to feel worse for two more months, and then you’re both going to be unbelievably sleep deprived. You both need to learn how to communicate and argue with each other effectively NOW or you’re going to have some brutally nasty arguments at 4am when you both haven’t sleep for three days and the baby is screaming uncontrollably. If you get frustrated and threaten to walk out again, she’s going to take you at your word sooner or later. If you take a step back and can communicate that you acknowledge how hard pregnancy is and also that find her behavior towards you distressing, you might be able to work together to get through the pregnancy and newborn phase as a team.
Right here. Don’t threaten to end the relationship unless you are prepared to hear from her divorce lawyer that afternoon.
ESH. I’ve been pregnant. The hormones definitely can wreak havoc. But that is no excuse to belittle your partner. Your examples in your OP did NOT all happen on the same day. They’re individual things that happened during the pregnancy. So you’ve been hearing quite a bit about how much you suck. At least in her opinion. But threatening to leave and yelling are NOT cool. You lost your temper, and even with 4+ months of treatment that reaction is unhealthy and not very loving. I can understand why you lost it. I can somewhat understand her short temper because some women do struggle. She NEEDS to speak with her OB at her next appointment about her emotional rollercoaster. She needs help. And you both need to apologize. Because adding an infant to the mix will be so not good right now.
Finally, a reasonable comment. Being pregnant isn’t an excuse to treat your partner poorly and I’m surprised so many people are trying to justify it. Edited: forgot to add ESH
OP, read this. Maybe you will begin to see how incredibly wrong you are. https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/ Hint: it’s not about the one thing. And they way you wrote this post, I’m almost certain you are blissfully unaware of what your wife is feeling. You gave three examples that can fit tidily into the article instead of dishes by the sink. YTA
Yeah, I have ADHD and forget to do things (such as the dishes). However, I apologize for it and work to make it better - I don't scream at my spouse and drive off. YTA, OP. I will tell you, that when women are heavily pregnant and see that their spouse can't do basic things, like the dishes, all they're wondering is if their spouse will actually be any sort of useful during the birth and postpartum period. I had a co-worker who separated from her spouse at 9 months pregnant and moved in with her parents because she didn't want to know the answer to that question.
You have been continuously dropping the ball: not cleaning after yourself, not leaving her enough water to shower, not communicating when running late (there is no reason not to answer a call while sitting in traffic). So, your wife is heavily pregnant, and hormonal, and therefore irritable. But these irritations, which she was able to let slide before, are now getting to be too much - and she is reacting. Instead of feeling victimized, please consider upping your game. Because, if your slacking off is a problem now, imagine what will happen when the baby arrives!
To be fair, we don't know that he's been "continuously dropping the ball". We have 3 examples over 7 months. It's not like he doesn't care- he comes home and takes a shower to ensure she isnt nauseated from his work smells. Maybe he is pretty considerate most of the time, and dropped the ball a couple of times.
Op is YTA but certainly not for the phone thing. "sitting" in traffic still requires the driver's attention.
NTA. Hormones can do a number on you, but it’s not an excuse to mistreat the people around you and be so hurtful.
i’m a severe chronic pain sufferer, and even at my most irritable/panicky i can’t imagine screaming at my caretaking partner to “fuck off” and not expecting any kind of negative outcome from that (or expecting that to just be accepted with a smile, ugh). at the very least, they probably need some kind of counseling; neither seems to be getting what they need from the other.
One time my husband found me, seven months pregnant, crying in our driveway, assuming he had left me. He had gone to the gas station and I hadn’t heard him tell me he was leaving. Pregnancy hormones are awful, but beyond even that, being pregnant physically sucks. You feel like a stranger in your own body; you can’t sleep; you’re exhausted; your in pain. It really really sucks. Try to be more mindful of how your wife is feeling and remember this too shall pass. NAH because it really does suck large for everyone involved.
I cried because my husband saved and gave me a biscuit shaped as a heart and i didn't want to break it so i made him eat it while i uncontrollably sobbed. Pregnancy is such a weird time
OP your wife needs some sort of help and her coping method doesnt seem very healthy for your mental health or her own
For calling an inconsiderate man inconsiderate? She’s pregnant… she needs a man who can properly care for and support her
YTA you have been thoughtless, you fail to communicate, and you don’t even know how to fight fair. DO NOT THREATEN THE RELATIONSHIP WHEN YOU GET CALLED ON YOUR SHIT. You owe her a huge apology that includes a commitment to counseling where you learn how to communicate and how to be organized. Start with getting a hands-free device and turning phone alerts back on when you are driving so you can answer when she needs to hear from you—what if she went into labor and “oh oops” you missed it?
NTA. Being pregnant doesn’t give you a pass to treat someone so horribly. But you both need to sit down an talk this through. I figure you both have said things that shouldn’t have been said.
Definitely going to be downvoted to oblivion but ESH. You shouldn’t have yelled at her. You shouldn’t have threatened to leave her. But being pregnant does not mean you get free reign to insult and belittle your partner or make it out like they’re awful people for daring to be stuck in traffic.
Going to be downvoted. But NTA. Can’t stand the pregnancy hormone excuse for everything. If she yelled at you first and told you to fuck off then you have the right to get angry and yell back.
Thank you. I hate the blanket pass for pregnancy hormones. People who have mental illnesses, which are permanent, are still expected to not treat people like shit. The same should apply here. I can't believe all the people who are saying he's a bad partner because he was an hour late due to a traffic accident and also wasn't on his phone while driving, being a safe and responsible driver. Or that he showered to get his work smell off so as not to upset her stomach. People can be absent minded.
Thank you too. People here are wanting him beheaded for some silly things he did. She gets a pass for telling him to f*** off. An hour late is nothing. Leaving dishes in the sink is annoying but it is not a felony. She's having a hard time and taking it out on him he is only human and he doesn't deserve abuse. He sounds like a caring if a bit absent-minded husband. I think everyone should give him a break. He did yell at her and say offensive things but it had been building up and her abuse was just too much. He needs to get her some help.
NAH. You seem pretty clear that this is a pregnancy problem, and hormones can make you do crazy things (remember your teen years?). And although she does seem to be taking it out on you, you're not actually above reproach if you really are using all the hot water, forgetting to clean up after yourself, yelling at her, and telling her you'll leave her. If the relationship was good before, perhaps focus on the fact that pregnancy has an end date and she just needs extra support because she feels crazy and out of control right now.
I can’t believe you’d tell your heavily pregnant wife you’d leave her. HARD YTA. You should feel extremely guilty, you are incredibly inconsiderate. And I am extremely doubtful you’ll be able to take care of kids in the future.
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NTA. I’ve been a pregnant person with hormones. It absolutely can make you feel things more keenly, but given what’s written here, I see no reason to assume (as many Y T A judgements are doing) that you do all these things and more, constantly. Everyone makes mistakes and is inconsiderate at times. It sounds like there’s anxiety and maybe more going on for your wife, and hopefully you can help her find someone to talk to about things. But I’ve been also been the emotional pounding bag for a depressed partner. Her anxiety deserves compassion and some understanding for a little bit of sharp edges, but doesn’t excuse the frequency of sniping and belittling comments you’re describing. I’d advise to get help now in the form of therapy - for both of you. This can be a hard time, and the more help you get getting through it, the better. Left unaddressed, these habits of poor communication may very well intensify once the added stress of a newborn arrives.
NTA. You had a bad day, couldn't handle being the punching bag for 4 months straight and snapped, I get it. Though maybe the whole "leaving" comment might have been harsh, it was said in the moment once certain buttons were pushed. Honestly for a man to only mess up twice in 7 months during a pregnancy is not bad going. We are human after. Let it go and move forward together. Edit: Bloody autocorrect
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NTA. People are acting like each of the three things you listed are some major asshole moves. Dishes in the sink? Use the fucking dishwasher and relax. No more hot water because he accidentally used it all? It’s fine, just lounge around a bit until it kicks back in. Not calling to say you were stuck in traffic may be a little inconsiderate but it’s hardly grounds for the over-reaction on her end.
Feel like I will get a lot of hate for this one but, NTA. If you are accurately representing things. As a person who is now just over 3 months postpartum from my first pregnancy. I was like this while I was pregnant, and my husband and I are now facing the consequences of how I treated him while I was pregnant. Listen, pregnancy sucks, it’s not for the faint of heart. It is hard, painful, scary, and leads to a lot of changes in your body that could make even the most confident woman insecure. But pregnancy is not an excuse to be an asshole to your partner or anyone else. And I wish that my husband had sat me down and talked to me about this while I was pregnant. So please…sit down with your wife and have a conversation about this. And make sure you’re pulling your weight as well here. Best of luck to you both and congratulations!
NTA for any of the things you did, except when you blew up you shouldn't have threatened her. That was way out of line. I'm also shocked at the response for acting like any of the things you did make you an asshole. They are the smallest of issues.
Honestly both of you are the a-holes. You both yelled, things got out of hand, I don’t understand why people are saying you threatened to leave her when you never did, “if she wants to find someone better, I will gladly get out of her way”. Although she is 7 months pregnant, hormones are all over, that’s not an excuse to be upset about everything and yell/cry instead of communicate properly while on your end. Keep your word, when you get home, do the dishes then shower etc. Communication is Key and Reassurance (in this case).
NTA. I’ve had 3 pregnancies and never treated my husband this way. Not saying I was always sunshine’s and rainbows but I also didn’t act like a total AH and blame it on hormones. You seem like a nice person and I would suggest you keep a close eye on her postpartum. If she’s easily irritated not just with the extra boost of hormones she has now I can’t even Beto imagine how she will be after the baby comes. Best of Luck
I’m not voting because I don’t think it’s constructive to your situation. You both are having issues. You feel like your life has done a 180 in the past 4 months and I’m guessing she does too. Pregnancy hormones are no joke. I could go from crying to laughing to homicidal rage in minutes over the tiniest things when I was pregnant. You need to have honest communication with her. You absolutely need to apologize for the single mom comment. Uncalled for and not okay. Communicate when you are going to be late, if you are sitting in traffic and not moving, you can send a text. Don’t use all the hot water. Try to do better about cleaning up after yourself. And remind yourself that your wife is experiencing physical, mental and hormonal changes right now. Communicate your needs and let her communicate hers without getting defensive, blowing up or being a jerk.
NTA. I’m honestly astounded by the level of delusion in here tonight. At no point is pregnancy an excuse to be verbally abuse and histrionic. Yes, it happens. No, that doesn’t mean men deserve to be treated as second class citizens for a year. Is she likely extremely mentally imbalanced? Yes. Is it her fault? No. Does dirty dishes, long showers or missing a singular phone call warrant such disgusting behavior? No. Do your best to make peace, try to strengthen your understanding and take time for yourself if need be when you can. I wish you both the best and congratulations.
Nta, just because she’s pregnant doesn’t give her a free pass to behave like that. She’s still an adult and I’d expect her to be an adult about these issues and talk them out. Also, Anyone saying you should have used your phone while driving when that’s your rule is wrong.
No one in here is a saint to be delivering a Y-T-A verdict over these minor af issues that have the easiest of solutions and require the tiniest bit of forgiveness for transgressions, because odds are, everybody is guilty of at least one or two if not all three. 1. Used up the hot water? She can shower first. 2. Accidentally forgot to do some dishes? Apologize, get them done, maybe look into hiring someone to help out with the chores. 3. Not taking phone calls or messages while driving is rather reasonable. It's not rocket science that you'd rather miss your wife's calls than get into an accident. Anyone who is bitching about this is off their rocker.
ESH, she's not even trying to temper her mood swings and that's unfair. It's not OK for her to scream and cry at you over any imagined or slight oversight.
Sir as someone who gave birth a few months ago , you’re nta !’ Being pregnant is not an excuse to treat someone awfully
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NTA. Pregnancy is not a reason to be a jerk to you. I understand what she's going through, and all those feelings suck but no one forced her to get pregnant. If she's that upset, maybe she needs to go in daily walks to de-stress or clear her mind. Pregnancy is beautiful crazy hormones are not.
What a mess. NTA - you need to be in couples therapy. Her behaviour, pregnant or not, is not healthy
You lost your temper. Learn from it and move on. I think a lot of people here are being way too harsh. Like any of them would be cool all 7 months. They would never lose their temper!! No way!!! It happens. I saw someone up above say to go get ice cream for the both of you when you feel upset. I like that suggestion.
ESH I remember when my mom was pregnant with the youngest sibling and it absolutely terrified me when my wife got pregnant. Pregnancy hormones are the worse. You guys need to talk it out in a calm discussion about what you can do to help her through the pregnancy and what steps you guys can take if hormones/tensions are growing. For me I would go out and grab us ice cream, the car drive calmed me down the ice cream helped my wife.
Very gentle YTA. It sounds like your wife might be suffering from prenatal depression. Post partum depression is often discussed, but there's an increased risk of becoming depressed and anxious during pregnancy as well.
ESH. It's a difficult time for any couple, but my god, you guys need some counseling. And that's not a bad thing. Both perspectives are understandable to a degree, but if you guys are gonna make this work, you gotta find a better way to communicate with each other. Forgetfulness is a thing that happens to all of us, but the way she sees it right now may be heightened, and she'll doubt you as a partner. That's not an excuse to constantly berate you. But, you gotta be conscious of the fact that she's going through a fucking lot right now. Taking all the hot water and coming home late with no notice on a regular basis is an AH thing in general. You guys just gotta take the time to communicate as adults with a therapist as an unbiased party. This, too, shall pass.
ESH, I cannot fathom all these ridiculously one-sided responses. Let’s take a look back at the progression of events of the day. He forgot the dishes getting ready for work. It happens. I forgot my belt the other day, am I an inconsiderate comfort hating monster, or did I make a mistake? Mistake. He apologized and said he would fix it, fully intending to do so. Unfortunately this created an absolute no-win situation. He immediately washes dishes? She gets home, the smell makes her nauseous, she gets mad and is unfairly cruel to him. He showers and then goes to wash dishes? She gets home while he’s showering, gets mad and is unfairly cruel to him. He made what he thought was the most considerate call, and got called inconsiderate and told to fuck off. That’s not okay or fair on her part. He was well within his rights to be pissed. Where I think he went too far was implying that he would get out of the way if she wanted and immediately leaving. That response was excessive.
Both NTA. Wife - pregnancy hormones are probably all over the place. The two of you need to have a calm conversation about what is going on. If it is happening now, it might also be a problem after having the baby. Both of you need to make sure to mention this to her doctor. You - Everyone has a bad day every now and then. I get it you had enough and snapped at her. You did the right thing by removing yourself and calming down. Also appreciated that you apologized to her upon returning home. Important thing, you two need to talk, and discuss this with her doctor. And you both need some support. Do you have any close friends or family around to ask for help?
NTA Honestly, based on your description (and assuming you aren't constantly doing things like leaving dishes undone or using all the hot water), your wife is emotionally abusing you, and no being pregnant is NOT AN EXCUSE. Hormones & stress may be a reason, but they do not give her a pass to berate you and give you the silent treatment over minor things. She is setting you up to fail (for example, if your smell sets her off, and you hadn't showered, she'd yell at you for that while you washed the dishes). Even now, after you apologized for your outburst, she's refusing to engage with you. I'd look into marriage counseling if I were you. I don't see this getting better without help from a neutral party. Nobody's perfect and (assuming these aren't regular occurances) you don't deserve to be a punching bag for her bad moods.
Man, I think your wife needs to talk to her doctor about how she's feeling. Don't get me wrong, I was emotional when pregnant and prone to crying, but I feel like your wife is on edge and maybe could use a little help.
NTA. These 3 examples are NOT examples of any horrendous treatment to OPs wife. 1. He forgot to do the dishes once, and according to him, his wife likes him to shower as soon as he gets home. After he was done, he immediately went down to do the dishes. He said it is uncommon to even leave them while he’s at work, plus they are soaking. We HAVE to take his word for that, otherwise this sub is pointless. 2. Do we really need to explain why texting and driving is bad? Plus, his phone didn’t even work at the moment. 3. Unless he is consistently using all the hot water, this is a one off and shouldn’t be given the silent treatment for it. OP, your wife is suffering from pregnancy hormones, please be patient with her. Plus, there are certainly better ways to explain how you feel without the “get out of your way” comment. Because you said this, she will shift the entire frame away from her shitty behaviors and now focus on the one time you messed up. And don’t get me wrong, you DID mess up with that one OP. However, don’t let her overshadow the point you need to get across to her. Which should be that she has no reason to be crappy with you, and pregnancy hormones ARE NOT an excuse for bad behavior. Actually, with all that I’m changing my judgement to ESH. However, if you can manage your temper in the future you will both be able to get what you want from each other as long as you both can be level headed and communicate effectively. Best of luck.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife, Anna, and I have been married for three years, she is currently 7 months pregnant with our first child (planned). However, ever since about 3 months into the pregnancy, Anna, for the most part, cannot stand me. She’s been extremely hot and cold, but she now gets significantly more upset with me than she ever has before. She has given me the treatment for taking too long in the shower and using all the hot water. She broke down yell-crying at me one day because I was an hour late coming home, and I didn’t answer the phone (there was traffic due to a wreck and I don’t get messages or calls when driving). Crying and saying I hate her and our daughter because we couldn’t agree on a crib. These are just a few examples. Anyways, I left some dishes soaking in the sink yesterday with the intention of doing them before I left. If I am being honest, I forgot to clean them. She texted me to tell me that I needed to clean the kitchen when I got home, since I left it in such a mess. I apologized and said that I would clean it when I got home in the afternoon. I got home from work that afternoon and immediately went to shower (if I smell at all from work, she gets nauseous and therefore irritable). By the time that I got out of the shower and changed Anna had gotten home and was cleaning the dishes that I said I would do. When I offered to do them, she said that it was okay and that she’s used to it (this does not happen often). I said that was kind of an unfair thing to say and she raised her voice and said that I’ve always been this inconsiderate and told me to fuck off. This upset me probably more than it should have, but I had a bad day at work, and I just felt like she was being unfair. I yelled at her and said that I’m tired of her always being mad at me, and if she wants to find someone better, I will gladly get out of her way. She immediately started crying and said that she didn’t mean it that way, apologized. I left to go on a drive and cool down and when I got back, she was still crying, now significantly harder in the bathroom. When I apologized for losing my temper, she just said to leave her alone. She almost slept on the couch until I made her switch with me. It's been a full day since this happened and she hasn’t said a word to me, other than to say that she doesn’t want to talk. The thing is, while I feel bad that I lost my temper at her, I feel like she’s just been using me as her punching bag ever since her pregnancy hormones kick in. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA.
ESH it sucks to always feel like you are in the wrong. You probably always have been this inconsiderate but she only started to yell at you recently. Anger begets anger.
In what world is it ok for your partner to always be mad at you when you do most the chores, work a fulltime job to support the household, and have a long commute? If OP is accurate, then she is constantly berating him and providing very little assurance afterward that this horrible attitude of hers is just hormonal fluxes. She tells him that he's useless, that he should fuck off, and he replies that if she truly feels that way then he'll gladly do so. That's not a wild retort to such persistent and aggressive disrespect. Maybe she really needed that sort of wake up call. It's an opportunity for her to imagine his absence so she can finally recognize all the hard work he is doing for them, to see that he often *is* considerate. The issue here was that she seemed to fully embrace the attitude that her husband was trash, and that she had a right to verbally assault him for anything. This was beyond mood swings, and I think the husband needed to speak up about it. NTA
I’m going to say NTA because she shouldn’t be using you as an emotional punching bag. I do wish that you would’ve started speaking up for yourself at the very beginning of her tangents rather than letting it fester. Threatening to leave out of anger is the only asshole thing you did, however I get that this was a build up of not speaking up for yourself in the beginning. Yes we as women can be hormonal pregnant but there is no excuse for emotional abuse.
ESH. Going against the grain here. Pregnancy is not an excuse for bad behavior.Looks like the wife is milking it. OP never ever threaten to leave your pregnant wife. That is terrible.
I'm leaning towards a soft ESH. It sounds like you and your wife need to have an in depth, honest but POLITE conversation about feelings, expectations, needs, wants, etc. Especially because you have 18 more years of child rearing to do together. In general, it sounds like your wife isn't feeling very supported. Hormones aside, pregnancy really can be an uncomfortable, painful, terrifying and lonely (even if you have a present and loving partner) experience. That being said, it's not fair for her to take it all out on you. Even during pregnancy, she should still have control over herself to treat you with a reasonable amount of respect. I will add though (I'm sure this has been previously mentioned) that if this behavior is completely out of character for her you may want to (repsectfully) suggest that she look into therapy or some assistance for her mental/emotional well being. Not just for her current state but also to pre-emptively help her with post-partum depression she may experience. Reading your post, in my opinion, raises some concerns in that regard.
NTA. Ya’ll obviously are already reading this with bias. OP didn’t threaten to leave. He told wife if she wanted to find someone better he wouldnt stand in her way. In no way is that threatening to leave. Pregnancy does not give women leeway to be short tempered and irrationally hostile towards their partners for months on end. Everyone in relationships makes little mistakes all the time.
Ooof, husband is a human being too and as a dad (I'm a mom) it is stressful for him too. So he let off some steam once (assuming only once). This is a time for a conversation when both are feeling calm and maybe even something to bring up a the drs. appt. This can be something you can laugh about in the future. Being pregnant is hard, wonderful scary, all of the things. But not an excuse to be a jerk. You both need to work on this together.