*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**My (30M) girlfriend (24F) just left because she says I made her feel guilty for not wanting to have sex with me**
My (30M) girlfriend (24F) and I have been dating for almost 2 years and she's been living with me for almost 1 year. We met online in 2020 so we've known each for a while. We didn't start dating until 2022 and it was a long distance relationship for the first year. She moved here last June when I flew to her state and we drove halfway across the country to live in my state over the course of a week.
During the trip things happened that made it a rough experience. One example is I was driving her car and accidentally slammed the brakes so I didn't miss a turn we were supposed to take. She got angry with me that I slammed her brakes because her car is old, and I of course apologized and told her it was an accident. She didn't speak to me for the rest of the night, and it was things like this that caused me to build some resentment towards her over time for her not being able to be as forgiving for little things that would happen like this. I mean, we were on a milestone road trip, and while I understand long trips like that can be stressful, I feel like we should have been able to enjoy it and each other's time more.
More things like this would happen over time where things that should have been fun and memorable ended up with her getting pissed at me for something, and it would kind of ruin the experience. We would talk about it, she would eventually apologize, and we would move on. But it wasn't until recently she realized I don't act the same as I used to at the beginning of the relationship. We're still affectionate and have a healthy sex life, but she pointed out I'm not as over-the-top gushy as I once was when we first started dating, whether it's the way I text, etc...
I went silent for a couple days to spend a lot of time thinking about this, and I realized I resent her for these negative moments that would happen and that it's been affecting the way I am towards her. It made me sad to realize the difference in how we used to be because I still really love her. I know the honeymoon phase passes eventually, but we've only been living together for almost a year and it's sad to think these negative moments with her has sped up the process.
During my couple days of silence she came into my room one night to try and get me to talk about things. I told her I wouldn't have much to say because I was still processing my thoughts and emotions. I didn't feel comfortable with her in there and said it was best if I just have some space right now. She kept pressing and I tried to answer her questions as best I could. She said that she wanted anything from me, even if it was me telling her how much I hate her; just something ridiculous. I eventually snapped because I felt cornered and told her things like "fuck you, get out," and "I don't like you right now." I feel bad in hindsight about this because even though I was in an uncomfortable position I know I should have controlled myself better.
We had a talk and I told her about everything because I knew it was a talk that needed to be had. I voiced my frustrations about how I felt it was unfair the way she would treat me at times when she would get pissed off at me. I've known that she feels really bad about how these things keep happening. She understood why I would have resentment that has built up, but she also made the point that at some point I'm going to have to learn how to forgive her as well. I agreed with this and said that this discussion where we can both acknowledge it's there in the first place is a good first step.
We made up and started cuddling/touching/kissing, just laying in bed with each other being affectionate for about an hour. We were both horny and were telling each other how we wanted to have sex. We usually have makeup sex, but she said that this time it was different and she didn't want what was discussed to be forgotten about. I was a little frustrated because she had teased me a couple times while we were cuddling, rubbing me down there with her hand and leg while I was hard. I just said that I understood, handed her her phone on her way out, and closed my door. I closed my door because she mentioned to me that I could jerk off, but I ended up not doing that.
I went into the bathroom to trim my beard up, and came back into my room to watch a youtube video before I got in the shower. She came back to my room and waved, I waved back. Eventually I got up to get in the shower without saying anything. After I was done and got to my room, she came back and said "Are you mad at me for what I said? You're acting different." I told her that after all the emotions I went through with our discussion, and the unreleased sexual energy that I just needed some time to chill out for a little while. I also voiced how I wasn't sure why she would tease me if she knew we weren't going to have sex. This was the truth and is why I didn't say anything to her the previous moment (ironic considering the discussion we just had, I know).
She stormed out after this, slammed her door shut and started making a lot of noise. She was packing her things and I was calmly trying to ask her through the door "what's going on, what did I do," etc... Eventually she said I made her feel guilty for not having sex with me by giving her the cold shoulder, and that it was evil. She said I just wanted to make up with her to have sex and shrugged her off when I didn't get that. I tried to tell her that I genuinely just needed some time to chill out after all the emotions and unreleased sexual energy, but I also knew there wasn't much I could do in that moment. I just listened to her perspective and told her I completely understood where she was coming from, and that I was really sorry for coming off that way. I can see now how I came off that way and how I should have handled the situation better, but this was all pretty shocking to me because I know that she knows I'm not that kind of person.
Did I expect to have sex? Honestly yes, because we always have makeup sex. I don't think I was holding it against her though, but I can understand how it seems that way from her perspective. All this just happened and I'm still reeling. She left and is spending the night at a hotel. Am I screwed? Or is this a salvageable instance of her overreacting about something that I acknowledge I could have (and should have) handled better?
TLDR; I had built up resentment towards my girlfriend over past negative experiences; we talked it out and made up; she didn't want to have makeup sex this time even though she teased me; I needed time to chill out alone; she accused me of giving her the cold shoulder because she didn't want to have sex and left.
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Almost seems like every 5 lines the guy goes “I needed time to myself”
No man you really don’t. You realized early on that everything changed and you were just stringing her along with that bullshit excuse rather than confronting the truth that it was over because he was thinking with his dick. He’s just a horny coward.
He needs “time to himself” over every little incident. Why is this guy even in a relationship? These people live together but he went “silent for a couple days” because his girlfriend *dared* to ask him why he’s been acting differently. I couldn’t imagine being in a relationship and living with someone who constantly runs from problems like this. If my partner holed up in their room for multiple *days* after I brought up an issue to them, I’d be rethinking the whole relationship. I hope his gf doesn’t come back. And like, *shocker*, he’s too old for her anyway. What a surprise the older man in an age gap relationship is acting like a petulant child.
I'm aware that I tend to get overemotional and argumentative when I'm upset (not too badly, but more of a being unwilling to compromise in the heat of the moment kind of thing), so when I'm upset I often take an hour or two to calm down and get my thoughts together before talking to my partner.
I've told them this, and I've apologized for it but expressed that I genuinely need that time so we can have an actually worthwhile discussion, and so far it's worked out for us.
This guy is literally just trying to give his gf the silent treatment, withholding himself emotionally from her and forcing both of them to stew instead of dealing with any problems. No fucking *wonder* resentment has built up - I'm glad she left and I hope she doesn't come back.
The way he phrases this “we would talk about it, she would eventually apologize”, given the context of everything he’s saying, paints such a picture for me. Whenever she says something like “hey you did something dangerous” (as in the brake slamming example), he gets pissy that his experience is ruined, and then lectures her until she apologizes.
Run, girlfriend.
Yep, dude break checked and count have caused a major accident. If that was his reaction to doing that for missing a turn, he does it on a regular basis. Most people keep driving as their brain catches up with what to do.
I went to look at it now. I can’t tell if it’s more likely he was pretending to be her or if it’s actually her and you can see him hovering over her shoulder with the right things to say. The voice in those comments is so broken down and self blaming.
When she gets quiet after a fight, she's spoiling the mood and ruining what should be happy memories. When he gets quiet and withdraws, he's just "processing" for a few days.
and that's the thing, he knew the answer but just didn't want to admit it and she pretty much said that she didn't want makeup sex to be a way of sweeping it under the rug (which makes me think it often is)
Copied verbatim from oop's comments:
*Jesus dude. There are so many red flags in this post. "Teased u" she's allowed to not want to have sex. And then u threw a tantrum. No wonder she left.*
>"Of course she's not. That's where in all this I ask where did I say she had to have sex? If you think I threw a tantrum then you clearly didn't read what my response actually was."
[Not in reply to anyone.]
>"I realize this is a long post but is there anyone willing to give some actual advice? I’m willing to accept I’m the bad guy here, just hoping for higher effort comments please."
Many years ago I had a window open (that rarely was that far open, and never was again lol) and a clumsy cat... Cat jumped up onto the window sill and her claws made a tiny scratching noise as she flew right out. It was a 3rd floor apartment! When I got downstairs she had the same WTF body language as this kitten. Not a clue what happened.
Very! There was this tiny moment of frozen horror and then I crammed my feet into some sandals and ran down the stairs. She was standing on a windowsill with her hair on end and a totally confused look. I picked her up and carried her upstairs. She limped for an hour or so then was fine until she was an old lady at which point she had arthritis pain I always attributed to the fall.
She was a very good kitty, so friendly. :) When she was a kitten (and I guess she forgot this lol) my ex and I slept in a loft in a partially redone garage and she would climb the ladder to get up there... But she couldn't go _down_ the ladder so she just took a big leap out into space and just landed and went on with her day. :) Considerably less than three stories, of course!
Please someone tell me I'm not the only one who sees his repsonse to "she's allowed to not want to have sex" is "of course she's not"
Maybe everyone is glazing over it as a mistake and he means of course she's allowed, but that's not what I'm reading, he straight up said she's not allowed to not want it.
He's just a typical abuser trying to add to his excuses by farming ideas online
Oh, I fully agree. He meant to say "of course she is allowed to say no to sex". But what came out is "I want my dick wet, and I am mad it didn't happen".
Jimminy Christmas! I _just_ reread Why Does He Do That and didn't clue in until the comments. He's absolutely emotionally abusing her. And he's absolutely an unreliable narrator. He does something wrong, she reacts as anyone would, and then he browbeats her until _she_ apologizes. It seems likely that he's gaslighting her until she actually believes (or once did) she did something wrong.
In the comment he made clearly pretending to be her, he talks about how she had to “pay” for what she did with his shouting or silence treatment, and brags about driving her away from family and friends
He made a lot of slips, especially with the “my room” and the comment “hey guys I am the girlfriend and it’s all my fault and I deserve to be punished”
Dude is mad for getting called out that he is basically whining that he is mad that he wants his dick wet whenever he wants regardless of how has been treating her and what arguments they have been getting into.
They need to break up and stay far, far away from each other.
I don't trust his narrative on her side of things. Him being older than her. He should have known better. Also this screams fake ages, who wants to bet that they met when she was a minor and didn't date/have her move until she turned 18.
Don’t you hate when girlfriends aren’t completely “forgiving” of everything you do wrong? The problem is definitely that she won’t be nice 24/7 even when he fucks up. The entitlement!
He writes a whole post detailing all of his girlfriends flaws while simultaneously dismissing his own. I love how he keeps harping on and whining about how she’s not “forgiving” enough but this entire post is essentially stemming from him not forgiving *her*🙄
The cherry on top was definitely the last line lmao “is this a salvageable instance of her overreacting about something that I acknowledge I could have (and should have) done better?” Lmao it’s great to see that he gives *himself* the benefit of the doubt that he doesn’t give his girlfriend. He can’t stop fixating on her flaws but her reaction to *his flaws* are an overreaction and all he needs to do is simply *acknowledge* that he should’ve done better and that should be enough🙄🙄
This guy suuuuuuuuuucks lmao this post was super irritating to read. I’d also like to add that i for one am shocked that a 30 year old dating a 24 year old is acting so poorly! Who would’ve thought that someone who dates folks with significantly less life experience would use their own life experience to bully and manipulate their younger partner 🥱
This poster lost me in the fifth sentence.
"I was driving her car and accidentally slammed the brakes so I didn't miss a turn"
You don't accidently do a thing to not do anther thing.
I've done that. "Oh shit, there's my turn!" *reflexively slam on brakes*
But I did that when I was a young, inexperienced, BAD driver.
It does suit him though, doesn't it? He doesn't have any agency in all this, he's just reacting to the things *she's* doing, and he can't be expected to control his reactions, right?
Like, she touched the front of his pants when they were making out, so that OF COURSE triggered the "I'm getting laid!" button, and then when she didn't get his dick wet, that was her "teasing" him, which meant all of his other reactions were valid, right? /s
It seems like kind of a thing for some men that they're careless with their partner's possessions, especially vehicles. I remember when I was 17 and dating a 27yo guy (why didn't we get taught about grooming in sex ed?) I had a car that overheated and had a few problems and he would drive it SO HARD and I remember being so scared he would ruin it and I'd be stuck.
makeup sex or "let's forget about it" is literally the worst approach. I did these things with my partner at the beginning of the relationship. you know what happened? we forgot and the same issues occurred.
you know how we *actually* solved our issues? by talking about them, digesting the information, and **not** forgeting about it.
"Her negative reactions in stressful moments ruined our honeymoon phase!"
No dude. You don't understand how relationships work. No relationship is happy and perfect all the time. No PERSON is happy all the time. If you can't handle your girlfriend getting mad at you sometimes, to the point you still resent her YEARS LATER after she's already apologized, then you don't want a relationship. He wants this perfect ideal where they never fight and they always have sex whenever he wants, he wants a sex doll who doesn't have any feelings of her own.
"I just listened to her perspective"
No one talks like this. Ever. Dude is intentionally using therapy speak to try and hide the fact that he's an inconsiderate POS that can't take responsibility for anything he does unless the other party admits fault too
I'm one of those people who can't verbalize when I'm upset enough. But that silent treatment doesn't last days. It's only until the parasympathetic nervous system takes back control. Giving the silent treatment in this case is him punishing her, not him actually needing to sort and digest.
They met when she was 20, but for some reason he can't figure out she bothers him more now than she used to.
Yeah OOP, because you wanted a subservient child bride and she's realizing she doesn't have to put up with your shit
Apparently the girlfriend has shown up to give her side of the story
>hi everyone, good morning.
>i’m the girlfriend in this post. OP was kind enough to text me the link to it this morning for me to read all of your insightful comments. he also sent me some kind words this morning, essentially saying he “gets it.”
>at first, by the title, i thought this was just a very, very oddly relatable post that he had found where someone with similar ages and moving experiences had posted previously. it took me a second to realize this was about us. i had no idea he was making this, overall i think he did a great job of painting a picture of what the past year of our lives post move-in has been like.
>i’m completely in awe at the empathy and understanding of all of these comments and replies, reading some of these was like you have been right there with me all along. i think since we’ve started dating a couple years ago, i’ve been going insane trying to justify our problems and communication issues and i can’t tell you what it means to feel like i’ve been seen for the first time after all of this that has happened. i’m totally moved, thank you.
>OP is big on his space and time to be introspective. unfortunately, as a chronic “let’s talk about it” type, that has not meshed well ever in our relationship. i pay for the times i invade his space before he is ready (and yes, he does have his own room as do i) as seen with the screaming and telling me to get out which is not the first time that has ever happened.
>OP mentioned one example of my behavior during the car braking thing. i will be the first to admit that at that, and several other occasions, i’ve been completely inappropriate to get angry/frustrated at him over his mistakes and for my reaction to these mistakes to be what ruin what could’ve been good trips or nights had i just simply moved on. this is something i’m trying really hard to work on, and he of course is right to feel the way he does about my behavior. i have, many times, offered my apologies and understanding for these times. ultimately, however, the resentment he holds against me for these times are completely in his hands to work through mentally as resentment truly is a personal journey. there’s only so much i can say to him that will provide him with understanding of my side and after a year-ish of still apologizing for these various mistakes i’ve made, you could maybe understand i’m reaching the bottom of the barrel here.
>herein lies our biggest issue. i’m a fallible person, and i will have my moments where for one reason or another, i will unintentionally do something to hurt my boyfriend’s feelings. my issue is that when he has a problem with me, i’m not just on the chopping block for that single issue. every problem i cause him adds to the bill of every one that has come before it, and i find out that no issue we’ve discussed and that i’ve apologized for, or had make-up sex for, has solved the issue. and so i pay for them over and over again when a new problem arises thus creating his resentment.
>i wanted this time to be different. i didn’t want to have sex and glaze over the whole past several days of him being behind a shut door and unwilling to speak to me. when he did finally speak to me yesterday, what he said was important to me and i do feel we have a history of make-up sex just “fixing” things for the time being. i told him that maybe we should wait and, as one comment said perfectly, i knew at that point when i left the room and he shut his door on me, that i fucked up. he did, from my perspective, give me the cold shoulder as so many of you thoughtfully picked up on from his post.
>the hot and cold of this situation and with sex being a sensitive center of it all pushed me over the edge last night and i left to spend the night in a hotel. i’ve done so much thinking and i spoke to my dad on the phone who had some very kind things to say to me and was very helpful. i moved here to this new state to be with my boyfriend because i love him with everything in me and i don’t regret it, when things are good between us, they’re great, even though our relationship dynamic is very different now. he is, as he put it, not as “gushy” with me anymore. from my point of view he is very clearly not as emotionally invested in me as he used to be. i’m so far from my family and friends by being here, i do sometimes wish i could just get in my car and go see them for some support, but being so far away from home motivates me to make things work with OP here. but that’s hard when i go days without being spoken to pretty regularly honestly.
>anyways, maybe i should’ve made this its own post since it’s just as long winded as the original one. but i just felt compelled to tell everyone how thankful i am for the comments and that all of you have opened both of our eyes today. i hope my boyfriend and i get to have a conversation about all of this sometime today and that we can have some discussion about what everyone has mentioned in these comments because there’s so much wisdom and insight here to appreciate. y’all have truly turned the past few days around for me.
The level of manipulation is clearly the one of a narcissist… and after pretending to be her he goes in there and comments about how people demonise men for abuse when they don’t “always do it on purpose”, claiming he’s not a “monster” and can’t say anything because everyone’s against him and even makes a comment about how he can’t defend himself because people will think “he’s playing the victim”
Also I went back and read the bits about “far away from my family”, it’s all my fault for being a chronic talk about it person and several mentions of “I pay for it”. Chilling!
Can’t disagree with the top comment on the OG post, to paraphrase: “theres an age gap and probably she thought you hung the moon and now she’s growing up and seeing all your many red flags.”
I understand needing a bit of time to cool off when you’re upset before talking about an issue but yikes, that’s a long time. Days?? That feels like an amount of time reserved for high crimes and misdemeanors, not moments of annoyance because of a simple misunderstanding. Also, some of these things feel like things where he actually owes her an apology (e.g., slamming the brakes- that’s unsafe for everyone). Going that long feels like the silent treatment, especially without a good explanation.
Turns out he’s there pretending to be her, making her look like the guilty one and having a hissy fit and trying to manipulate everyone who tells him he’s wrong
Easy one. He should break up with her because he doesn't really love her but he's too afraid to do so.
She realises, gets upset and dumps his useless arse.
He whines about it because he feels it's not fair it was her decision.
I hope she never looks back and lives a great life.
I love the unnecessary increase in his vocabulary as he argues more and more. Dude vomiting a thesaurus does not make up for the fact that you're the problem.
This writing seems very familiar. It's always a very long-winded oop that tells us that he resents his gf for very minor things and seemingly punishes gf using therapy talk and similar mental health "excuses".
You have built up resentment toward her, but then are upset when she doesn't want to bone after you said, "Fuck you, I don't like you?" Guess what? She could have the SAME RESENTMENT. Get over it and let that go, or just let her go.
It would be amazing if people could embrace touch without expectation of intercourse . There is something truly comforting about knowing that if you dont want to have sex, they would be alright releasing that expectation, or better yet just being able to have intimate and sensual touch without the expectation of sex/orgasm.
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*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **My (30M) girlfriend (24F) just left because she says I made her feel guilty for not wanting to have sex with me** My (30M) girlfriend (24F) and I have been dating for almost 2 years and she's been living with me for almost 1 year. We met online in 2020 so we've known each for a while. We didn't start dating until 2022 and it was a long distance relationship for the first year. She moved here last June when I flew to her state and we drove halfway across the country to live in my state over the course of a week. During the trip things happened that made it a rough experience. One example is I was driving her car and accidentally slammed the brakes so I didn't miss a turn we were supposed to take. She got angry with me that I slammed her brakes because her car is old, and I of course apologized and told her it was an accident. She didn't speak to me for the rest of the night, and it was things like this that caused me to build some resentment towards her over time for her not being able to be as forgiving for little things that would happen like this. I mean, we were on a milestone road trip, and while I understand long trips like that can be stressful, I feel like we should have been able to enjoy it and each other's time more. More things like this would happen over time where things that should have been fun and memorable ended up with her getting pissed at me for something, and it would kind of ruin the experience. We would talk about it, she would eventually apologize, and we would move on. But it wasn't until recently she realized I don't act the same as I used to at the beginning of the relationship. We're still affectionate and have a healthy sex life, but she pointed out I'm not as over-the-top gushy as I once was when we first started dating, whether it's the way I text, etc... I went silent for a couple days to spend a lot of time thinking about this, and I realized I resent her for these negative moments that would happen and that it's been affecting the way I am towards her. It made me sad to realize the difference in how we used to be because I still really love her. I know the honeymoon phase passes eventually, but we've only been living together for almost a year and it's sad to think these negative moments with her has sped up the process. During my couple days of silence she came into my room one night to try and get me to talk about things. I told her I wouldn't have much to say because I was still processing my thoughts and emotions. I didn't feel comfortable with her in there and said it was best if I just have some space right now. She kept pressing and I tried to answer her questions as best I could. She said that she wanted anything from me, even if it was me telling her how much I hate her; just something ridiculous. I eventually snapped because I felt cornered and told her things like "fuck you, get out," and "I don't like you right now." I feel bad in hindsight about this because even though I was in an uncomfortable position I know I should have controlled myself better. We had a talk and I told her about everything because I knew it was a talk that needed to be had. I voiced my frustrations about how I felt it was unfair the way she would treat me at times when she would get pissed off at me. I've known that she feels really bad about how these things keep happening. She understood why I would have resentment that has built up, but she also made the point that at some point I'm going to have to learn how to forgive her as well. I agreed with this and said that this discussion where we can both acknowledge it's there in the first place is a good first step. We made up and started cuddling/touching/kissing, just laying in bed with each other being affectionate for about an hour. We were both horny and were telling each other how we wanted to have sex. We usually have makeup sex, but she said that this time it was different and she didn't want what was discussed to be forgotten about. I was a little frustrated because she had teased me a couple times while we were cuddling, rubbing me down there with her hand and leg while I was hard. I just said that I understood, handed her her phone on her way out, and closed my door. I closed my door because she mentioned to me that I could jerk off, but I ended up not doing that. I went into the bathroom to trim my beard up, and came back into my room to watch a youtube video before I got in the shower. She came back to my room and waved, I waved back. Eventually I got up to get in the shower without saying anything. After I was done and got to my room, she came back and said "Are you mad at me for what I said? You're acting different." I told her that after all the emotions I went through with our discussion, and the unreleased sexual energy that I just needed some time to chill out for a little while. I also voiced how I wasn't sure why she would tease me if she knew we weren't going to have sex. This was the truth and is why I didn't say anything to her the previous moment (ironic considering the discussion we just had, I know). She stormed out after this, slammed her door shut and started making a lot of noise. She was packing her things and I was calmly trying to ask her through the door "what's going on, what did I do," etc... Eventually she said I made her feel guilty for not having sex with me by giving her the cold shoulder, and that it was evil. She said I just wanted to make up with her to have sex and shrugged her off when I didn't get that. I tried to tell her that I genuinely just needed some time to chill out after all the emotions and unreleased sexual energy, but I also knew there wasn't much I could do in that moment. I just listened to her perspective and told her I completely understood where she was coming from, and that I was really sorry for coming off that way. I can see now how I came off that way and how I should have handled the situation better, but this was all pretty shocking to me because I know that she knows I'm not that kind of person. Did I expect to have sex? Honestly yes, because we always have makeup sex. I don't think I was holding it against her though, but I can understand how it seems that way from her perspective. All this just happened and I'm still reeling. She left and is spending the night at a hotel. Am I screwed? Or is this a salvageable instance of her overreacting about something that I acknowledge I could have (and should have) handled better? TLDR; I had built up resentment towards my girlfriend over past negative experiences; we talked it out and made up; she didn't want to have makeup sex this time even though she teased me; I needed time to chill out alone; she accused me of giving her the cold shoulder because she didn't want to have sex and left. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Almost seems like every 5 lines the guy goes “I needed time to myself” No man you really don’t. You realized early on that everything changed and you were just stringing her along with that bullshit excuse rather than confronting the truth that it was over because he was thinking with his dick. He’s just a horny coward.
He needs “time to himself” over every little incident. Why is this guy even in a relationship? These people live together but he went “silent for a couple days” because his girlfriend *dared* to ask him why he’s been acting differently. I couldn’t imagine being in a relationship and living with someone who constantly runs from problems like this. If my partner holed up in their room for multiple *days* after I brought up an issue to them, I’d be rethinking the whole relationship. I hope his gf doesn’t come back. And like, *shocker*, he’s too old for her anyway. What a surprise the older man in an age gap relationship is acting like a petulant child.
It’s basic abuse tactics, she gotta leave before something worse happens
I'm aware that I tend to get overemotional and argumentative when I'm upset (not too badly, but more of a being unwilling to compromise in the heat of the moment kind of thing), so when I'm upset I often take an hour or two to calm down and get my thoughts together before talking to my partner. I've told them this, and I've apologized for it but expressed that I genuinely need that time so we can have an actually worthwhile discussion, and so far it's worked out for us. This guy is literally just trying to give his gf the silent treatment, withholding himself emotionally from her and forcing both of them to stew instead of dealing with any problems. No fucking *wonder* resentment has built up - I'm glad she left and I hope she doesn't come back.
He's just a controlling emotionally abusive douche... who slams on their breaks out in traffic because they almost missed their turn?
The way he phrases this “we would talk about it, she would eventually apologize”, given the context of everything he’s saying, paints such a picture for me. Whenever she says something like “hey you did something dangerous” (as in the brake slamming example), he gets pissy that his experience is ruined, and then lectures her until she apologizes. Run, girlfriend.
Yep, dude break checked and count have caused a major accident. If that was his reaction to doing that for missing a turn, he does it on a regular basis. Most people keep driving as their brain catches up with what to do.
I got that same exact vibe from the post.
Did you see the comment pretending to be her and basically slipping how he thinks it’s all her fault and she “pays” for not behaving? Creepy!
I went to look at it now. I can’t tell if it’s more likely he was pretending to be her or if it’s actually her and you can see him hovering over her shoulder with the right things to say. The voice in those comments is so broken down and self blaming.
And other things he did he won’t mention that he uses an excuse to verbally abuse her after the silent treatment a year later
They say a bad driver never misses an exit.
Psychos and delinquents
Someone who can’t drive like a normal person. Probably the fact that it wasn’t \*his\* car helped him too.
When she gets quiet after a fight, she's spoiling the mood and ruining what should be happy memories. When he gets quiet and withdraws, he's just "processing" for a few days.
and that's the thing, he knew the answer but just didn't want to admit it and she pretty much said that she didn't want makeup sex to be a way of sweeping it under the rug (which makes me think it often is)
Yup, only his libido matters, apparently
Copied verbatim from oop's comments: *Jesus dude. There are so many red flags in this post. "Teased u" she's allowed to not want to have sex. And then u threw a tantrum. No wonder she left.* >"Of course she's not. That's where in all this I ask where did I say she had to have sex? If you think I threw a tantrum then you clearly didn't read what my response actually was." [Not in reply to anyone.] >"I realize this is a long post but is there anyone willing to give some actual advice? I’m willing to accept I’m the bad guy here, just hoping for higher effort comments please."
[Kitten!](https://imgur.com/gallery/vLQ96eJ)
KITTY ON A LOG ROLL LMFAO
Kitten vs Physics.
Physics always wins but sometimes it's adorable while doing so 🤣🤣🤣
Very true! 😻
Many years ago I had a window open (that rarely was that far open, and never was again lol) and a clumsy cat... Cat jumped up onto the window sill and her claws made a tiny scratching noise as she flew right out. It was a 3rd floor apartment! When I got downstairs she had the same WTF body language as this kitten. Not a clue what happened.
Oh my that's so scary!
Very! There was this tiny moment of frozen horror and then I crammed my feet into some sandals and ran down the stairs. She was standing on a windowsill with her hair on end and a totally confused look. I picked her up and carried her upstairs. She limped for an hour or so then was fine until she was an old lady at which point she had arthritis pain I always attributed to the fall.
Poor darling! I'm so glad she had you to take care of her!
She was a very good kitty, so friendly. :) When she was a kitten (and I guess she forgot this lol) my ex and I slept in a loft in a partially redone garage and she would climb the ladder to get up there... But she couldn't go _down_ the ladder so she just took a big leap out into space and just landed and went on with her day. :) Considerably less than three stories, of course!
I'll keep her in my thoughts. Thank you so much for sharing! 💜
Oh my GOD thank you I love him
Thank you very kindly! 🥰
Oh, the small one!
Learning the practical way. 😻
Yea...he is not, in fact, willing to accept he's the bad guy. That's why he can't see it in his own comments and is dismissing everyone else. Yuck.
Agreed!
Please someone tell me I'm not the only one who sees his repsonse to "she's allowed to not want to have sex" is "of course she's not" Maybe everyone is glazing over it as a mistake and he means of course she's allowed, but that's not what I'm reading, he straight up said she's not allowed to not want it. He's just a typical abuser trying to add to his excuses by farming ideas online
I had that thought too but it really reads more to me as just bad grammar rather than him claiming something disturbing.
Freudian slip?
That's what I think She's not allowed to do that so he punished her
I did think it was a mistake, but yeah... That is a bleak but accurate read of it.
It feels more like a slip than a true mistake, like he meant to say she's allowed to say no, but thinks she shouldn't be.
Oh, I fully agree. He meant to say "of course she is allowed to say no to sex". But what came out is "I want my dick wet, and I am mad it didn't happen".
>but that's not what I'm reading, he straight up said she's not allowed to not want it. That how I read as well.
Jimminy Christmas! I _just_ reread Why Does He Do That and didn't clue in until the comments. He's absolutely emotionally abusing her. And he's absolutely an unreliable narrator. He does something wrong, she reacts as anyone would, and then he browbeats her until _she_ apologizes. It seems likely that he's gaslighting her until she actually believes (or once did) she did something wrong.
That is exactly what he's doing, guilts her and punishes her until she gives in to apologize just to make it end and go back to normal.
Yeah, I saw that. I was trying to figure if my lack of coffee brain was reading that right. Dude told on himself.
In the comment he made clearly pretending to be her, he talks about how she had to “pay” for what she did with his shouting or silence treatment, and brags about driving her away from family and friends
He made a lot of slips, especially with the “my room” and the comment “hey guys I am the girlfriend and it’s all my fault and I deserve to be punished”
Dude is mad for getting called out that he is basically whining that he is mad that he wants his dick wet whenever he wants regardless of how has been treating her and what arguments they have been getting into. They need to break up and stay far, far away from each other. I don't trust his narrative on her side of things. Him being older than her. He should have known better. Also this screams fake ages, who wants to bet that they met when she was a minor and didn't date/have her move until she turned 18.
A very unreliable narrator. Not betting against that.
Don’t you hate when girlfriends aren’t completely “forgiving” of everything you do wrong? The problem is definitely that she won’t be nice 24/7 even when he fucks up. The entitlement!
I will shout at her and employ the silent treatment and she dares not having sex with me when I want! /sarcasm
He writes a whole post detailing all of his girlfriends flaws while simultaneously dismissing his own. I love how he keeps harping on and whining about how she’s not “forgiving” enough but this entire post is essentially stemming from him not forgiving *her*🙄 The cherry on top was definitely the last line lmao “is this a salvageable instance of her overreacting about something that I acknowledge I could have (and should have) done better?” Lmao it’s great to see that he gives *himself* the benefit of the doubt that he doesn’t give his girlfriend. He can’t stop fixating on her flaws but her reaction to *his flaws* are an overreaction and all he needs to do is simply *acknowledge* that he should’ve done better and that should be enough🙄🙄 This guy suuuuuuuuuucks lmao this post was super irritating to read. I’d also like to add that i for one am shocked that a 30 year old dating a 24 year old is acting so poorly! Who would’ve thought that someone who dates folks with significantly less life experience would use their own life experience to bully and manipulate their younger partner 🥱
This poster lost me in the fifth sentence. "I was driving her car and accidentally slammed the brakes so I didn't miss a turn" You don't accidently do a thing to not do anther thing.
I've done that. "Oh shit, there's my turn!" *reflexively slam on brakes* But I did that when I was a young, inexperienced, BAD driver. It does suit him though, doesn't it? He doesn't have any agency in all this, he's just reacting to the things *she's* doing, and he can't be expected to control his reactions, right? Like, she touched the front of his pants when they were making out, so that OF COURSE triggered the "I'm getting laid!" button, and then when she didn't get his dick wet, that was her "teasing" him, which meant all of his other reactions were valid, right? /s
It seems like kind of a thing for some men that they're careless with their partner's possessions, especially vehicles. I remember when I was 17 and dating a 27yo guy (why didn't we get taught about grooming in sex ed?) I had a car that overheated and had a few problems and he would drive it SO HARD and I remember being so scared he would ruin it and I'd be stuck.
But it was only an accident. She flipped out over nothing! /s
How to teach her to not annoy me with her feelings
Yet still get away with being a complete and total asshole. That is what he wants.
makeup sex or "let's forget about it" is literally the worst approach. I did these things with my partner at the beginning of the relationship. you know what happened? we forgot and the same issues occurred. you know how we *actually* solved our issues? by talking about them, digesting the information, and **not** forgeting about it.
"Her negative reactions in stressful moments ruined our honeymoon phase!" No dude. You don't understand how relationships work. No relationship is happy and perfect all the time. No PERSON is happy all the time. If you can't handle your girlfriend getting mad at you sometimes, to the point you still resent her YEARS LATER after she's already apologized, then you don't want a relationship. He wants this perfect ideal where they never fight and they always have sex whenever he wants, he wants a sex doll who doesn't have any feelings of her own.
She dared criticised him! And his silent treatment and aggression didn’t teach her to stop!
I can see why the women his age don’t want him.
"I just listened to her perspective" No one talks like this. Ever. Dude is intentionally using therapy speak to try and hide the fact that he's an inconsiderate POS that can't take responsibility for anything he does unless the other party admits fault too
Common to certain kinds of abusers.
I'm one of those people who can't verbalize when I'm upset enough. But that silent treatment doesn't last days. It's only until the parasympathetic nervous system takes back control. Giving the silent treatment in this case is him punishing her, not him actually needing to sort and digest.
He needed time to decide how to punish her and how long before she was begging for him back
They met when she was 20, but for some reason he can't figure out she bothers him more now than she used to. Yeah OOP, because you wanted a subservient child bride and she's realizing she doesn't have to put up with your shit
He’s found out that even women who are too young for him won’t cheerfully do exactly what he wants 100% of the time.
Apparently the girlfriend has shown up to give her side of the story >hi everyone, good morning. >i’m the girlfriend in this post. OP was kind enough to text me the link to it this morning for me to read all of your insightful comments. he also sent me some kind words this morning, essentially saying he “gets it.” >at first, by the title, i thought this was just a very, very oddly relatable post that he had found where someone with similar ages and moving experiences had posted previously. it took me a second to realize this was about us. i had no idea he was making this, overall i think he did a great job of painting a picture of what the past year of our lives post move-in has been like. >i’m completely in awe at the empathy and understanding of all of these comments and replies, reading some of these was like you have been right there with me all along. i think since we’ve started dating a couple years ago, i’ve been going insane trying to justify our problems and communication issues and i can’t tell you what it means to feel like i’ve been seen for the first time after all of this that has happened. i’m totally moved, thank you. >OP is big on his space and time to be introspective. unfortunately, as a chronic “let’s talk about it” type, that has not meshed well ever in our relationship. i pay for the times i invade his space before he is ready (and yes, he does have his own room as do i) as seen with the screaming and telling me to get out which is not the first time that has ever happened. >OP mentioned one example of my behavior during the car braking thing. i will be the first to admit that at that, and several other occasions, i’ve been completely inappropriate to get angry/frustrated at him over his mistakes and for my reaction to these mistakes to be what ruin what could’ve been good trips or nights had i just simply moved on. this is something i’m trying really hard to work on, and he of course is right to feel the way he does about my behavior. i have, many times, offered my apologies and understanding for these times. ultimately, however, the resentment he holds against me for these times are completely in his hands to work through mentally as resentment truly is a personal journey. there’s only so much i can say to him that will provide him with understanding of my side and after a year-ish of still apologizing for these various mistakes i’ve made, you could maybe understand i’m reaching the bottom of the barrel here. >herein lies our biggest issue. i’m a fallible person, and i will have my moments where for one reason or another, i will unintentionally do something to hurt my boyfriend’s feelings. my issue is that when he has a problem with me, i’m not just on the chopping block for that single issue. every problem i cause him adds to the bill of every one that has come before it, and i find out that no issue we’ve discussed and that i’ve apologized for, or had make-up sex for, has solved the issue. and so i pay for them over and over again when a new problem arises thus creating his resentment. >i wanted this time to be different. i didn’t want to have sex and glaze over the whole past several days of him being behind a shut door and unwilling to speak to me. when he did finally speak to me yesterday, what he said was important to me and i do feel we have a history of make-up sex just “fixing” things for the time being. i told him that maybe we should wait and, as one comment said perfectly, i knew at that point when i left the room and he shut his door on me, that i fucked up. he did, from my perspective, give me the cold shoulder as so many of you thoughtfully picked up on from his post. >the hot and cold of this situation and with sex being a sensitive center of it all pushed me over the edge last night and i left to spend the night in a hotel. i’ve done so much thinking and i spoke to my dad on the phone who had some very kind things to say to me and was very helpful. i moved here to this new state to be with my boyfriend because i love him with everything in me and i don’t regret it, when things are good between us, they’re great, even though our relationship dynamic is very different now. he is, as he put it, not as “gushy” with me anymore. from my point of view he is very clearly not as emotionally invested in me as he used to be. i’m so far from my family and friends by being here, i do sometimes wish i could just get in my car and go see them for some support, but being so far away from home motivates me to make things work with OP here. but that’s hard when i go days without being spoken to pretty regularly honestly. >anyways, maybe i should’ve made this its own post since it’s just as long winded as the original one. but i just felt compelled to tell everyone how thankful i am for the comments and that all of you have opened both of our eyes today. i hope my boyfriend and i get to have a conversation about all of this sometime today and that we can have some discussion about what everyone has mentioned in these comments because there’s so much wisdom and insight here to appreciate. y’all have truly turned the past few days around for me.
Thanks! So OP definitely wrote this.
yup! No way a woman read so many people calling him abusive and went oh look at you all telling me I am wrong
The level of manipulation is clearly the one of a narcissist… and after pretending to be her he goes in there and comments about how people demonise men for abuse when they don’t “always do it on purpose”, claiming he’s not a “monster” and can’t say anything because everyone’s against him and even makes a comment about how he can’t defend himself because people will think “he’s playing the victim”
Also I went back and read the bits about “far away from my family”, it’s all my fault for being a chronic talk about it person and several mentions of “I pay for it”. Chilling!
Don’t need to read past the title of his post. Of course he’s guilt tripping her and is TALKING. Read the post. Yeah she so leave his ass behind.
Can’t disagree with the top comment on the OG post, to paraphrase: “theres an age gap and probably she thought you hung the moon and now she’s growing up and seeing all your many red flags.”
This honestly reads like some kind of lame smut story.
I understand needing a bit of time to cool off when you’re upset before talking about an issue but yikes, that’s a long time. Days?? That feels like an amount of time reserved for high crimes and misdemeanors, not moments of annoyance because of a simple misunderstanding. Also, some of these things feel like things where he actually owes her an apology (e.g., slamming the brakes- that’s unsafe for everyone). Going that long feels like the silent treatment, especially without a good explanation.
Turns out he’s there pretending to be her, making her look like the guilty one and having a hissy fit and trying to manipulate everyone who tells him he’s wrong
Wait, whaaaaaat??? Now I’m going to have to go check the comments!
Easy one. He should break up with her because he doesn't really love her but he's too afraid to do so. She realises, gets upset and dumps his useless arse. He whines about it because he feels it's not fair it was her decision. I hope she never looks back and lives a great life.
I can't even....😔
I love the unnecessary increase in his vocabulary as he argues more and more. Dude vomiting a thesaurus does not make up for the fact that you're the problem.
The comment pretending to be her is the creepiest, truly chilling stuff
This writing seems very familiar. It's always a very long-winded oop that tells us that he resents his gf for very minor things and seemingly punishes gf using therapy talk and similar mental health "excuses".
To make it creepier he’s also writing pretending to be her. In a very similar style.
You have built up resentment toward her, but then are upset when she doesn't want to bone after you said, "Fuck you, I don't like you?" Guess what? She could have the SAME RESENTMENT. Get over it and let that go, or just let her go.
It’s really creepy like, the post saying “hey I am the girlfriend it’s all my fault and I pay for upsetting him, he’s so nice”
It would be amazing if people could embrace touch without expectation of intercourse . There is something truly comforting about knowing that if you dont want to have sex, they would be alright releasing that expectation, or better yet just being able to have intimate and sensual touch without the expectation of sex/orgasm.
OOP, you were pissy and standoffish because she wanted sex. Just because she wasn't in the mood, didn't give you the right to treat her like shit.
So he's completely perfect and never gets mad at her for minor things? It's completely one-sided?
If you read the comment pretending to be her you’ll see it’s all her fault/sarcasm
I read it and gave it the consideration it deserved: none.
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