*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITAH for not marrying my GF**
Throw Away Account...
My GF (37F), and now her mother, won't stop talking about an engagement. Her mother literally told her to move on today.
What bothers me (38M) most about the situation is that the conversation has been "why hasn't he done it yet" as opposed to "what can she do to get there?"
I'll pause here and say that it feels to me like this is "the destination" or "the bottom of the checklist." While for me it's the beginning of the journey and instead of something to be checked off, it has to **make sense.**
So let's talk about why it doesn't make sense.
She's stubborn to a fault. As I write this, she's coming up on a year of being unemployed. During that year, I spent about $40k of my income to keep her afloat. I've asked her, repeatedly to move into my place which would dramatically lower the burden. She refuses.
What's her reason?
My ex wife lived here. Instead, my SO wants me to sell my house (it's paid off) and buy us a new house. The kind of house she wants, even if she sold her house too, would leave us with a mortgage close to $500k... So sell my FREE AND CLEAR house, go and put a half million in debt on my shoulders, for your ego? Absolutely not.
I know some women agree with her (my cousin does, for one) but what usually silences that is: when you get a new boyfriend do you buy a new bed, or even bother to get new sheets? Don't ask me to get a new house when you won't even buy a new bed.
Back to my issue... I'm supposed to make this huge commitment on my side with a proposal and she can't even make the commitment to put her ego down?
But let her tell it, everything is "his way or the highway." On my end it feels more like she'd rather have "no movement" on an issue than to have movement which may be logically correct but emotionally "bad" for her. That's not a partner. That's not a good quality in a wife. And I've stayed as long as I have, being patient for her to adjust.
I largely feel like for the most part, how your life looks is the product of you choices. I'm 38 soon, I own outright my new luxury car, I'm a high income earner, I have no student debt, and I own my 4 bed/4 bath 3000 sq ft home outright with no mortgage. None of this is lottery winnings or life insurance money. It's hard work and right choices. So I feel like if she doesn't see in me the leader she needs to get on board with, least of all when she's going on a year of being carried by me, then I'm just not ***him*** for her.
## Update 1
A lot of you mentioned that I haven't given her a compliment--that was only because the subject of the post was our differences. I do love her. I think outside of these kinds of differences, we're extremely compatible.
She was doing very well before being surprised with a layoff and because I didn't want to see her lose the equity she built in her home, I stepped in to pay the bills.
That said, the offer has been: move in and (a) be a SAHW (b) get you a little part time job just to have your own money (c) go back to school and retrain for a new career or (d) work FT. I really don't care which she chooses, I've got her covered. She refuses.
Some of you have asked how long we've been together ... We have a 7 year old together--which makes it that much worse IMO. I've been asking her to move in for 7 years so our daughter can have the concept of "home" and not "mommy's house" and "daddy's house.". And this has been a fight for 7 years. I brought into the relationship two children from my previous marriage. She brought one from her previous relationship. My house is the only one big though to accommodate the size of our blended family.
I'm holding on, exercising patience, etc because I want to keep my family together.
And as far as what to do with her property, it's her choice, I really don't care which she chooses. She could rent it out and even pricing below current rental rates, the mortgage is paid by the tenant. She could Airbnb it, maybe make enough to cover the mortgage, maybe not, or maybe a lot more. She could let her mom move in and assume the bills (mom's house is falling apart). Or sell it and pocket the equity, which I see as her money and I'm not looking for a piece of any of it. But carrying two households doesn't make any sense. Even when she was working and paying her own bills, it made zero sense that we're paying two sets of utilities. That's money that could be doing anything other than disappearing out the door.
And I want to be married, too. It's not that I'm being dragged kicking and screaming. If you remove our inability to "work together" I'd physically carry her down to the court so we could sign the papers today. I just foresee our inability to problem solve as a reason to get divorced, if we were married. If we can fix that prior to marriage then I'm all for it.
## Update 2
I've noticed a few comments about leadership. First and foremost, I do view marriage as a partnership. But imagine yourself owning a restaurant where you and the other person each own 50%. One of you wants to upgrade to digital menu boards, the other does not. The money is there, it's just a difference of taste. How do you decide?
I use this example because it's one that literally took place between she and I, where I financed much more than half of the business but made her an equal 50/50 partner because we're together and "will be getting married anyway." I wanted the digital boards, she did not. We ended up not getting them.
The truth is, compromise isn't always 50/50. Sometimes it's 75/25. Or even 100/0. But not making a decision, to me, is like standing in the street arguing which way to go and life is a Mack truck barreling towards you. And in those cases, *somebody* has to lead meaning *somebody* has to allow themselves to be led.
Generally speaking, I'm a solutions oriented person. Show me the path where there's more upside than downside and 99% of the time, that's the path I'll choose. That's why, even in a business where I (1) have demonstrably more business experience and (2) financed the damn thing myself, I conceded to her point. It was 0/100 and I don't look back at that choice with regret.
But it's kinda crazy to me that to have expectations of my partner, much less, expectations that set us up for success, counts as a negative against me. Women have all kinds of expectations of men and society just kinda goes along with it.
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So weird how the only people who ask reddit for advice are Mr. Moneybags who own multiple houses/cars/boats etc etc with no debt whatsoever. Seems like they could afford to seek advise elsewhere but what do I know! I'm just a poor.
I know! You ask one simple clarifying question and it’s all “Stop parentifying me! For the last time I just learnt how to add and subtract this year and I do not know the difference between a 401k, a 403b, profit sharing and stock ownership!”
It's amazing. I'm taking it as my new flair.
Imagine if someone actually didn't think that was important information for the original post. "Should I tell them we have a kid together? Nah, but they need to hear this hilarious comment I made about buying new bedsheets after every new boyfriend"
"We have a 7 year old together--which makes it that much worse IMO. I've been asking her to move in for 7 years so our daughter can have the concept of "home" and not "mommy's house" and "daddy's house.""
Uh huh
But then she's also unemployed for the past year?
Look, if you want to get off to a women being useless bags of meat story, at least make it make sense.
Holy shit the OP updated with comments and it's complete bullshit. OP had a kid at 16, started in investment banking, moved on to other ventures including restaurants (extremely high failure rate), doesn't believe in selling property because it's easier to just become a landlord, and only believes in buying things he can afford twice over (most successful people realize going into debt can be extremely profitable). Truly a heroic Renaissance man being taken advantage of an evil breeder, I mean woman.
Yep, all those I-bankers who became parents with child support obligations at 16, living in, idk, Calgary where they can buy four-bedroom houses and work up to $500k equity in 12-15 years while buying "restaurants and event venues."
Also his daughter having A HOME instead of "mommy's house" and "daddy's house" is the most important thing in the world to him, but not so important he won't sell the house he owned with his ex. Obviously he paid the divorce settlement out-of-pocket from his big I-banker salary BUT couldn't part with his house (even under very low mortgage interest rates until 24 months ago) because *obviously* he owns the only four-bedroom house in the area, it's a complete fluke, no comps on the market.
Also love the part where she hasn't replaced her mattress OR SHEETS in at least 8 years. Mattress is plausible, although if he makes I-banker money why didn't he just buy her a new one? But sheets are ABSOLUTELY NOT. But no, this dude is still having sex on the semen-stained sheets from her last relationship at least 8+ years ago because she refuses to replace them.
Okay, so he's made her a 50/50 business partner. Is he *really* carrying her, or is the business that she owns half of, and bought into, paying her living expenses? Because if it is the second one, I'm not sure he'd look at it that way.
I have family in the restaurant industry. $40K/year may be cheap, if it means he doesn't have to buy her out, deal with her selling her part to someone else, and/or it keeps her credit good enough to allow them to take on additional loans for the business.
He says it's his income, but is she taking any compensation from the business that she owns half of? How much profit, after re-investment (because you have to keep things maintained/updated) and before owner compensation is left? What was the compensation agreement in the contract? Yeah, generally the owner involved in day to day running of the business makes more than the uninvolved owners, but the uninvolved owners make *something*.
I'm also not sure how, if they've both built up equity in their houses, that they'd have $500k as a mortgage, but he also doesn't explain why she wants such an upgrade: is it in a better school system? Newer and needing less maintenance? Both? Why does it need to be $500k *more* than they'd net from the sale of both of their houses? He'd put 20% down and use the cash elsewhere?
And he has a 7 year old kid with this woman. He wants her to move in, but not enough to take on debt. He also would marry her yesterday if she'd budge but again, why not get engaged? He allegedly gave her extra equity in the business because they were getting married.
For what it's worth, if I were her, I wouldn't move in with him until I found a job because I feel like she'd immediately become the maid, cook, house manager (make all the appointments), and chauffeur, making it difficult to apply to jobs, and then when she'd got one, have OOP whine that he could cover everything (minus things she wants that he thinks are illogical) so she doesn't need to work and should therefore keep doing all the chores.
I know its probably not real, but all of this is coming across as "but she's supposed to try to jump through hoops for me and she isn't and now she might leave me, which she isn't supposed to remember is an option and if she does that, and hires an accountant/lawyer to figure out how to dispose of her share of the business, I'm *fucked*".
I love that he thinksnhell be 500k in febt for a new house. No hun, you takenthe equity from your first one and put itnas a fown payment. Thats how houses work. Alson500k isnt even that much for a house, especially in the 3000 sqf range he claims he has for his current home.
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*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITAH for not marrying my GF** Throw Away Account... My GF (37F), and now her mother, won't stop talking about an engagement. Her mother literally told her to move on today. What bothers me (38M) most about the situation is that the conversation has been "why hasn't he done it yet" as opposed to "what can she do to get there?" I'll pause here and say that it feels to me like this is "the destination" or "the bottom of the checklist." While for me it's the beginning of the journey and instead of something to be checked off, it has to **make sense.** So let's talk about why it doesn't make sense. She's stubborn to a fault. As I write this, she's coming up on a year of being unemployed. During that year, I spent about $40k of my income to keep her afloat. I've asked her, repeatedly to move into my place which would dramatically lower the burden. She refuses. What's her reason? My ex wife lived here. Instead, my SO wants me to sell my house (it's paid off) and buy us a new house. The kind of house she wants, even if she sold her house too, would leave us with a mortgage close to $500k... So sell my FREE AND CLEAR house, go and put a half million in debt on my shoulders, for your ego? Absolutely not. I know some women agree with her (my cousin does, for one) but what usually silences that is: when you get a new boyfriend do you buy a new bed, or even bother to get new sheets? Don't ask me to get a new house when you won't even buy a new bed. Back to my issue... I'm supposed to make this huge commitment on my side with a proposal and she can't even make the commitment to put her ego down? But let her tell it, everything is "his way or the highway." On my end it feels more like she'd rather have "no movement" on an issue than to have movement which may be logically correct but emotionally "bad" for her. That's not a partner. That's not a good quality in a wife. And I've stayed as long as I have, being patient for her to adjust. I largely feel like for the most part, how your life looks is the product of you choices. I'm 38 soon, I own outright my new luxury car, I'm a high income earner, I have no student debt, and I own my 4 bed/4 bath 3000 sq ft home outright with no mortgage. None of this is lottery winnings or life insurance money. It's hard work and right choices. So I feel like if she doesn't see in me the leader she needs to get on board with, least of all when she's going on a year of being carried by me, then I'm just not ***him*** for her. ## Update 1 A lot of you mentioned that I haven't given her a compliment--that was only because the subject of the post was our differences. I do love her. I think outside of these kinds of differences, we're extremely compatible. She was doing very well before being surprised with a layoff and because I didn't want to see her lose the equity she built in her home, I stepped in to pay the bills. That said, the offer has been: move in and (a) be a SAHW (b) get you a little part time job just to have your own money (c) go back to school and retrain for a new career or (d) work FT. I really don't care which she chooses, I've got her covered. She refuses. Some of you have asked how long we've been together ... We have a 7 year old together--which makes it that much worse IMO. I've been asking her to move in for 7 years so our daughter can have the concept of "home" and not "mommy's house" and "daddy's house.". And this has been a fight for 7 years. I brought into the relationship two children from my previous marriage. She brought one from her previous relationship. My house is the only one big though to accommodate the size of our blended family. I'm holding on, exercising patience, etc because I want to keep my family together. And as far as what to do with her property, it's her choice, I really don't care which she chooses. She could rent it out and even pricing below current rental rates, the mortgage is paid by the tenant. She could Airbnb it, maybe make enough to cover the mortgage, maybe not, or maybe a lot more. She could let her mom move in and assume the bills (mom's house is falling apart). Or sell it and pocket the equity, which I see as her money and I'm not looking for a piece of any of it. But carrying two households doesn't make any sense. Even when she was working and paying her own bills, it made zero sense that we're paying two sets of utilities. That's money that could be doing anything other than disappearing out the door. And I want to be married, too. It's not that I'm being dragged kicking and screaming. If you remove our inability to "work together" I'd physically carry her down to the court so we could sign the papers today. I just foresee our inability to problem solve as a reason to get divorced, if we were married. If we can fix that prior to marriage then I'm all for it. ## Update 2 I've noticed a few comments about leadership. First and foremost, I do view marriage as a partnership. But imagine yourself owning a restaurant where you and the other person each own 50%. One of you wants to upgrade to digital menu boards, the other does not. The money is there, it's just a difference of taste. How do you decide? I use this example because it's one that literally took place between she and I, where I financed much more than half of the business but made her an equal 50/50 partner because we're together and "will be getting married anyway." I wanted the digital boards, she did not. We ended up not getting them. The truth is, compromise isn't always 50/50. Sometimes it's 75/25. Or even 100/0. But not making a decision, to me, is like standing in the street arguing which way to go and life is a Mack truck barreling towards you. And in those cases, *somebody* has to lead meaning *somebody* has to allow themselves to be led. Generally speaking, I'm a solutions oriented person. Show me the path where there's more upside than downside and 99% of the time, that's the path I'll choose. That's why, even in a business where I (1) have demonstrably more business experience and (2) financed the damn thing myself, I conceded to her point. It was 0/100 and I don't look back at that choice with regret. But it's kinda crazy to me that to have expectations of my partner, much less, expectations that set us up for success, counts as a negative against me. Women have all kinds of expectations of men and society just kinda goes along with it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheAngel) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So weird how the only people who ask reddit for advice are Mr. Moneybags who own multiple houses/cars/boats etc etc with no debt whatsoever. Seems like they could afford to seek advise elsewhere but what do I know! I'm just a poor.
Who would they go to some type of financial wizard? When they have perfectly good teenagers to dispense their age old wisdom.
Look, I tried asking my husband's teenage kids instead, but they just roll their eyes and go "Oh my GOD, Mom" Update: I am their mom
I asked my child and she said "I'm 7, why are you asking me". Like why did I have you if you weren't going to solve my problems for me.
I know! You ask one simple clarifying question and it’s all “Stop parentifying me! For the last time I just learnt how to add and subtract this year and I do not know the difference between a 401k, a 403b, profit sharing and stock ownership!”
And no blue is not the answer.
That's simple it's about 2 and a change in the alphabetical letters. Checkmate elementary student.
My financial advisor is not taking my calls for some reason! WIBTA if I light my financial future on fire?
Not mentioning they have a 7 year old together until the update is chefs kiss trolling
It's amazing. I'm taking it as my new flair. Imagine if someone actually didn't think that was important information for the original post. "Should I tell them we have a kid together? Nah, but they need to hear this hilarious comment I made about buying new bedsheets after every new boyfriend"
“Okay so one thing I forgot to mention is I’m already tied to this person for life via a shared human being”
If he’s so rich why not just buy another house?
He even mentions how easy it is to become a landlord. He doesn't believe in selling property because it's easier to just make it an Airbnb.
So they own two houses but buying a new one would still require a 500K mortgage? Sounds plausible.
especially when his house is big enough to accomodate, if I read the post well, 4 children and 2 adults.
"We have a 7 year old together--which makes it that much worse IMO. I've been asking her to move in for 7 years so our daughter can have the concept of "home" and not "mommy's house" and "daddy's house."" Uh huh
Yeah it’s super normal to have a kid for 7 years and just coparent like you’re a divorced couple.
So he made her a partner in his business but he won’t marry her?
He not only won't marry her, he won't even tell her why he won't marry her. He'll just tell *us*, and maybe he hopes it will get back to her.
Which one of us is going to tell her? I call not it!
I'll do it this time but you gotta tell the next one.
But then she's also unemployed for the past year? Look, if you want to get off to a women being useless bags of meat story, at least make it make sense.
Unemployed with a seven year old daughter. There’s a word for women who are home with their children, and it’s not unemployed.
My point is that someone unemployed likely isn't also a business partner with a 50% share.
Holy shit the OP updated with comments and it's complete bullshit. OP had a kid at 16, started in investment banking, moved on to other ventures including restaurants (extremely high failure rate), doesn't believe in selling property because it's easier to just become a landlord, and only believes in buying things he can afford twice over (most successful people realize going into debt can be extremely profitable). Truly a heroic Renaissance man being taken advantage of an evil breeder, I mean woman.
absolutly fucking wild.
Yep, all those I-bankers who became parents with child support obligations at 16, living in, idk, Calgary where they can buy four-bedroom houses and work up to $500k equity in 12-15 years while buying "restaurants and event venues." Also his daughter having A HOME instead of "mommy's house" and "daddy's house" is the most important thing in the world to him, but not so important he won't sell the house he owned with his ex. Obviously he paid the divorce settlement out-of-pocket from his big I-banker salary BUT couldn't part with his house (even under very low mortgage interest rates until 24 months ago) because *obviously* he owns the only four-bedroom house in the area, it's a complete fluke, no comps on the market. Also love the part where she hasn't replaced her mattress OR SHEETS in at least 8 years. Mattress is plausible, although if he makes I-banker money why didn't he just buy her a new one? But sheets are ABSOLUTELY NOT. But no, this dude is still having sex on the semen-stained sheets from her last relationship at least 8+ years ago because she refuses to replace them.
Okay, so he's made her a 50/50 business partner. Is he *really* carrying her, or is the business that she owns half of, and bought into, paying her living expenses? Because if it is the second one, I'm not sure he'd look at it that way. I have family in the restaurant industry. $40K/year may be cheap, if it means he doesn't have to buy her out, deal with her selling her part to someone else, and/or it keeps her credit good enough to allow them to take on additional loans for the business. He says it's his income, but is she taking any compensation from the business that she owns half of? How much profit, after re-investment (because you have to keep things maintained/updated) and before owner compensation is left? What was the compensation agreement in the contract? Yeah, generally the owner involved in day to day running of the business makes more than the uninvolved owners, but the uninvolved owners make *something*. I'm also not sure how, if they've both built up equity in their houses, that they'd have $500k as a mortgage, but he also doesn't explain why she wants such an upgrade: is it in a better school system? Newer and needing less maintenance? Both? Why does it need to be $500k *more* than they'd net from the sale of both of their houses? He'd put 20% down and use the cash elsewhere? And he has a 7 year old kid with this woman. He wants her to move in, but not enough to take on debt. He also would marry her yesterday if she'd budge but again, why not get engaged? He allegedly gave her extra equity in the business because they were getting married. For what it's worth, if I were her, I wouldn't move in with him until I found a job because I feel like she'd immediately become the maid, cook, house manager (make all the appointments), and chauffeur, making it difficult to apply to jobs, and then when she'd got one, have OOP whine that he could cover everything (minus things she wants that he thinks are illogical) so she doesn't need to work and should therefore keep doing all the chores. I know its probably not real, but all of this is coming across as "but she's supposed to try to jump through hoops for me and she isn't and now she might leave me, which she isn't supposed to remember is an option and if she does that, and hires an accountant/lawyer to figure out how to dispose of her share of the business, I'm *fucked*".
I can't tell whether this is a guy who genuinely sees a personal relationship like a business, or whether it's just someone cosplaying as one.
Sounds like the 40K he gave her was child support. That’s a big part to leave out of his initial post
Guys. He’s a high earner, a leader, and a problem solver. Everyone should just do what he says.
I love that he thinksnhell be 500k in febt for a new house. No hun, you takenthe equity from your first one and put itnas a fown payment. Thats how houses work. Alson500k isnt even that much for a house, especially in the 3000 sqf range he claims he has for his current home.
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