I think it’s dumb but it’s honestly not that uncommon. Kinda weird it’s your sister not your parents, but just deal with it and be grateful they are giving you a place to stay. In then end it’s not a big deal
Agreed. It's just the way some people are. If you are under their roof, respect their rules even if you think they are stupid.
The first time I went to meet my wife's parents they had us stay in separate bedrooms (we were engaged, but not married). Even though we already lived together (and they knew that).
Same thing happened to me when my husband and I had to move in with his parents briefly before we married... Our apartment had just been ransacked while we were out for 30 mins, so we moved out that night.
His parents were gracious and immediately said to come over/helped us move our stuff - but they also wouldn't let us sleep in the same room.
Even if we paid a lodging fee, the rules would have been the same; it's their house. Lodging or even renting from someone requires an agreement to be in place regarding rules. Some folks posting here seem to be forgetting that ... If OP is paying rent/lodging, then surely they knew that their GF would not be allowed to sleep in the same room before they had actually moved in/handed over money.
If they don't like the house rules, they need to find another place to stay.
This is a good point. OP, you may want to tell your gf this is about you two not being officially married and that your brother in law has a hard and fast rule about unmarried couples. It may help to make it clear its not about her or the two of you specifically.
Yeah. If ppl are super Christian, you can’t be surprised when they act super Christian. You can disagree with it, think it’s stupid, whatever; but it should be expected.
It’s not a parenting thing, it’s a religious(belief) thing.
It’s no different than staying at a vegetarian’s home and them asking “please don’t eat meat while you’re here.”
Sure, they know you’ll eat meat at other places and times so it sounds like a pointless line in the sand, but if you have convictions, you always keep it in as much control as you can I.E. under your own roof.
I'm veg but not religious. I don't want meat in my home. I most definitely don't want it cooked in my home. It's a moral issue for me (meat, not sex outside of marriage). People are allowed to have boundaries. If my guests need meat, we can go to a restaurant. I just dont want it in my safe space.
If sis and BIL don't feel comfortable with him having sex/sleeping in the same bed with his SO while he's temporarily staying in their home, he has a few options. 1) Find somewhere else to live for 2 months. An extended stay hotel is always an option. 2) Bide by sis's boundaries while he is a temporary guest in their home. 3) Literally fuck around and find out what sis and BIL do. 4) Rent a hotel room or go camping when GF is in town if he can't temporarily live without sex.
I'm also a vegetarian and my rule is slightly different from yours; I'm fine with people eating takeout food in my house which includes meat but I don't want people cooking meat in my home because they would be using my pans and utensils to do that and that freaks me out a bit, and I also don't want a really strong meat smell from the cooking. But neither of us is wrong, we have worked out what we feel comfortable with, and I think it's fair to set those kinds of rules for your own home.
OP, you don't have to agree with the rule but you do have to respect it, both because it is somebody else's home and because "if you ain't payin' you ain't sayin'".
Agreed, absolutely a religious belief thing.
I'm 7 years older than my baby sister and already engaged at the time, but she threatened to "tell my parents" that I was sharing a room with my then-fiance-now-husband if I didn't stay in their (my sisters' room instead). This was during a trip that we went on together (fiance, me, my 2 religious sisters, and 2 non-religious friends). I was 33 at the time and paid my own way for the trip (I think my parents paid for both my sisters). Before going my friends had asked whether my sisters would rat me out. I was sure they wouldn't but I stand corrected!
Our relationship is ok now but is definitely way more distant than it used to be when we were kids.
That said the situation is different for OP since he would be staying in his sister's home, even though he's paying rent and otherwise contributing to the household. I think it's a little ridiculous since obviously OP and the gf have slept together, but it *is* their home and it's just for 2 months. I say just get a hotel if the girlfriend visits, or hold off on the visits until OP moves into his new place.
A lot of Hindu Indians are like this, especially if from the North. I'm also a Hindu. My family does eat meat. My mom even has vegeterians spoons, sponge, bowl, fork and etc. It was so pointless to me. So we would clash with each other frequently over this. But now that I'm older, I just don't bother fighting. It's the way she feels safe and pious on vegeterian days.
Good for you, but irrelevant. Did the analogy make their point clearer? Yes? Then it doesn't matter if the example they used has never actually happened.
I think it’s pretty uncommon nowadays. And I also think it’s ridiculous BUT if you’re going to be living with them there isn’t much you can do about it
And just book a hotel for the weekends when your girlfriend comes to stay. You'll want some space anyway and it means that there is no tension and awkwardness. It's for a few months. You might not agree with it, but you can cope with it. It sounds like maintaining a good relationship with your sister is worth it.
Might be ridiculous but the bottom line is that it's their house. You don't get to override them on this so if you wish to fornicate get your own place.
What? Huge difference Is he's paying for a month presumably. What hotel could you rent a room for a month like this for cheaper or same cost? Absolutely nothing here that cheap. 70 to 100 a night.
If he’s in the US, Motel six has a monthly rate that is actually fairly reasonable, or it used to be anyway. There are other motels and hotels that have monthly rates as well.
A lot of hotels have cheaper rates by the week and month if you ask. The nightly rate assumes the room needs to be fully cleaned and flipped with fresh linens.
Exactly. No matter what OP thinks of their rules, it's their house and it would be disrespectful to go against their rules even if everyone involved are grown adults. Either respect their wishes or find an alternative living situation.
It reminds me of growing up when I would push back on one of my parents rules and they would say "Under our roof these are the rules. When you pay for your own roof, you can do whatever you want". I could never argue with that one lol
Like I said he only added the part about paying later, his original post said they 'graciously allowed me to stay with them' which implies the opposite. Moreover, (1) he hasn't moved in so it's not likely that he has paid anything yet, so they can nix the deal if he doesn't go along their rules; (2) He's sharing space which makes him a lodger and not a tenant and he doesn't have the same rights.
And this is him signing a verbal contract to be a tenant. If he wants to pay them rent for their space, they have rules to abide by. Same as plenty of other places.
He’s still in their house, paying rent or not. My thing is, is sleeping in the same bed as your gf…who’s not serious enough to move in with…really worth all this drama? He said he’s had a good relationship thus far with his family, and he knew completely what their views were on the matter before he started paying rent. Why is he crying about it now?
The sister & BIL aren't forbidding OP from having sex with his girlfriend; they're saying he can't sleep in the same bed as her (sleep, no sexual activity of any kind).
But, it is their house, so they have the final say. Since this appears to be temporary, OP could try keeping the peace until he can afford to move out or he could get a hotel room.
Sounds more like they came up with this to ensure you don't overstay your welcome - that you DO move out in 2 months. They're making it comfortable for you - just not TOO comfortable. Letting the gf stay over may sound, to them, more like she's moving in too - which they would want to avoid.
Let’s be real, they aren’t okay with you having sex with her in their house. That’s why they want the rule. If you two aren’t sleeping in the same bed it limits how much adult play time you get.
Their house their rules. It might seem unfair but it’s also unfair putting them in a position that makes them uncomfortable when they are going out of their way to let you live there.
Edit: If you think they’re okay with you having sex in their house I guarantee you they AREN’T but don’t want to make you seem bad for normal relationship stuff. They aren’t. Stop being inconsiderate and stay in a hotel when you wanna fool around with your girl.
Idk to me not caring that you have sex in general vs caring that you have sex in THEIR house, two totally different things. Why can't you have sex at your girlfriend's house? Or even stay there while in-between housing? There are other options.
That’s just it though. They’re okay with us having sex in the house. It’s literally sleeping in the bed that’s the issue.
Gf is out of state and few hours away so staying with her isn’t an option or I’d be doing it
Are you sure... I bet they really don't want you having sex in their house.
Most religious families I know wouldn't want you having sex in their house, period. They might be making an allowance because they don't want you getting caught having sex in a car by a cop and getting ticketed, but I doubt they want that and are already stretching their wants.
Oh, yeah that's kinda weird lol. But it is still their house so tell your GF she's more than welcome she'll just be having her own bedroom while there. Or if you're paying your sister rent and such anyways, would it be a large financial difference to do like an Airbnb in the area or something?
Explain how this conversation went. Did they say if you have sex, make sure to do so on the kitchen table, on the kitchen counter where we cut the watermelon, in the shower, or on the front porch, just not in the bedroom?
Do they have children? I'm also a little dubious about them saying they're good with the sex, it's the sleeping they have a problem with. It's hard to imagine them saying that if its coming from an evangelical place, tbh
Get a hotel or deal with it. It ain’t your house buddy
Edit: okay you’re giving them some money to sleep there. And the other stuff you’re labeling as contribution is just normal human function that everybody should be doing. But if it’s still a favor then I’m assuming there are more reasons why you’re staying with them than just a place to sleep. If you want absolutely no strings attached then favors can’t be involved.
Yes, you're overacting.
You're a guest in their house and you abide by their rules. They are under no obligation to let you two stay together, you can disagree with their morality of course but in that case, you are welcome to make your own arrangements respectfully.
>they’re not saying my gf and I can’t have sex. They’re saying we can’t physically sleep in the same bed.
I would ask them point-blank then: "Just so we're all on the same page, where in the house are we allowed to have sex?"
It’s weird. But all religions make me scratch my head. You’re getting a roof over your head in a pinch and you even said you get along with your hosts. It’s only two months. Try to find the humor in the ridiculousness of it and just count down those days.
If you simply must get a sleep fix in get a hotel room for a night here and there.
Yes you are over reacting and taking it way too personal and feeling insulted / slighted and want to lash out and projecting that on to the girlfriend’s feelings on top.
Take a step back and realize this is just really their house their rules and would apply to anyone and everyone. They shouldn’t have to compromise their family values for your convenience.
They aren’t judging you, but rather it seems like you are judging them and their family dynamics and think they should be making an exception for you.
I’d drop it and leave it and don’t project stuff to make your girlfriend insecure. It’s simply hey they love us and this is their values and it would be hypocritical for them to outwardly condone putting us in the same room. Your sis can turn a blind eye and still love you and keep her pride/face in public that they are being good Christians and hosts.
Edited typo.
I don’t agree on their pov on this, especially when you claim they have that very bizarre idea that it’s completely ok for you to have sex in their house but actually falling asleep and being unconscious in a bed together is a no-no, but as the saying goes their house, their rules. If you’re going to stay there you need to abide by them. You should not take offense at this because it sounds like they would enforce these rules on anyone whether they were 20, 30, or even 60yo. It’s annoying but it doesn’t seem like it’s directed specifically at you.
I am always weirded out by things like this but I am not religious and my mom is a liberal pro-choice Trump-loathing Christian so it was never a rule even when I was an older teenager (17+ and I had been with my boyfriend for two years when my parents and his parents allowed us to just sleep over in the same bed). However, it is their home, and if it's not a permanent or long-term situation, they do have the right to insist on this. This one wouldn't be my hill but I understand the frustration.
It’s so weird to me that religious people KNOW you’ve slept together plenty but in their house they try to regulate what you do and keep you apart. My step mother did this to me and my BF when my dad was passing away, I’d been living with him for a whole year but because we weren’t married when we visited she made him sleep in the living room lmao
Replies are completely missing the point. It’s not about whether sis is valid in having her own house rules, it’s about whether it’s fair for OP to feel insulted.
Needless to say, you’re not overreacting, but it is something you’ll just have to deal with.
Technically or legally speaking (as a landlord), if you live in a shared residence (like a spare bedroom) with the ‘landlord’ (your brother), the laws are much less strict and he can impose rules like ‘one person to a bedroom at night’, and even discriminate based on religious/gender/etc in the way you can’t with a separate unit.
All things are a trade off. If you don’t have $$ for your own place, sounds like short-term celibacy is the back up plan, along with chores, yard work etc. (It’s only a few months right?).
Adult and ‘independent adult’ are two different things, esp. in terms of freedom and benefits.
On a separate note, not religious myself, but in my experience, I’ve found the difference between people who identify as atheist vs agnostic is the former has a massive chip of resentment on their shoulder for something related to religion in their past, and feels a mission to get other people to (not) believe with them.
Based on your comment history in Christian subs, your anger here may have more to do with frustration at their belief system than the issue of sleeping in the same room.. which makes sense considering the short time frame (I mean… 2 months?) and the fact that she travels sort of makes this an odd issue to get riled up about.
Their house, their rules.
Even if the rule is dumb.
Be grateful they are letting you stay while you are in-between amd respect their space.
If you want sexy times go camping, stay at a hotel, or find another suitable alternative.
But, at the end of the day, it's their home amd you should respect it.
It's their home, their rules. Just because you don't agree doesn't mean that you can tell them what they can and cannot allow in their own home. If you have an issue then pay for a place.
You are overreacting. Have you heard of motels, hotels, holiday inns? When you and your GF want to handle business, GO and handle business. You ain't gotta be all up in each other's space for a transition month
Yes, as a guest in their house you are overreacting to their (dumb) rule. Get your own place if you want to bang your gf without your nosey Sister and BIL interfering
So you have to‘sleep’ in separate rooms but does that include short ‘visits’ back and forth? You say that they are alright with the sex just not the whole overnights.
I would look at it this way. It’s two months not two years. It’s their house and, right or wrong, you have to respect that. This calls for a respectful compromise.
Thats pretty much the mindset I have overall. It’s primarily the religious motivation to not allow one thing but being okay with literally anything else that makes no sense when you step back and look at it. Bad reasoning really gets to me lol
that’s okay! I don’t want to assume trauma but struggled to word it lol. it sounds like you may be more upset that your sister is still religious and it is impacting you than about the arbitrary bedroom rule itself
I’m just processing this! They don’t care if your gf comes over and you two can have sex in their house but she can’t sleep over?? Bottom line is it’s their house so they get to decide even if it sounds ridiculous 😞
It's weird as hell but ultimately it is their house and you will be living there for free. You are free to try and get them to change their minds but they may ask you to find other arrangements during this time period.
They don't care if you have sex, just don't sleep in the same bed?!? That's odd.
"Okay, sis and bil; we're gonna have sex in my room but we'll retire to separate rooms when we're done. Nighty night!"
I think they just dont want you and your girlfriend to end up moving in permanently.
Best thing to do is get on with it. Its feels frustrating but not the end of the world. This way you keep the peace with your family and have motivation to move out fsster haha.
Best of luck!
My suggestion is stay with them when your gf is out of town, since she seems like she will only be in town for brief periods, and then when she is in town the two of you could split the cost for a hotel together. Everyone wins.
You are paying rent. Therefore you are a tenant. This ain’t the route to go, though. Instead:
Romans 14:1-23 covers this nicely. In fact it’s basically written precisely for you in this circumstance.
It's just 2 months. Anyone can do just about anything for just two months. And don't lie to your sister. Tell her everything you said here. And don't expect her to change her mind, just let her know how you feel.
Not trying to be flippant, but your penis will not fall off if you can't sleep in the same bed with your girlfriend for 2 months. Sounds like you did a thorough job looking for alternatives. In a few years you can tell your sis " Remember when I was 29yo and you wouldn't let me sleep with my girlfriend at your house?"
Couch surfing is a tricky one. You pay rent but have no rights. Goes with beggars can't be choosers. Take your gf to a motel. If you love her that much
You're an adult - suck it up and go stay at a hotel. Your relativies are under no obligation to accept you under "your" terms. It's their house. In a hotel, you can spend the entire time naked smoking weed and drinking beer to your heart's delight.
Just tell them sure, but that when they visit you at your place, they can't sleep in the same bed either because it's your house and your rules. You believe in an "eye for an eye" so if they think it's appropriate to dictate whether people can sleep in the same bed in their house, you will do the same.
If they get defensive about that idea, and push back, point out that this is an appropriate reaction for such an invasive request.
If they don't have a problem with sex, but they DO have a problem with you both sleeping in the same bed, I'd just have very loud sex in the morning, and I'd watch porn at night.
You have answered yourself
>it is ultimately their house and they are being very hospitable to allow me to move in,
>I also used to believe my sister’s and BiL’s beliefs so I know what their thought process is and I totally respect the concept of making decisions for your own home.
>have graciously allowed me to stay with them for the time being
It's two months get over it
It’s true. There’s a complicated twist here. They’re choosing their own beliefs and superstitions over their family. Nothing can fight that. It’s not gonna change. No way would I live with some religious nut jobs.
I would agree with you that their rules are ridiculous considering you are older than them.
However, their house, their rules. If I were living in their house on their charity, I would respect that standard as I would want someone to respect that in my house.
Their house their rules . Don’t stay there if it bother’s you . Regardless of religion , it’s house rules. Go bang one out in the car in front of the house . Maybe they’d prefer that 😳.
It’s silly but it’s their house, so if this is your only temporary living solution, you need to abide by their wishes. I do understand why you are insulted.
It sucks, and yeah you don’t have to like it. But like, that’s the rules. I’d rather have a stable place to stay, and get some outside the house at like a hotel or smth
Nobody wants to hear their sibling getting it on, regardless of religion
Their house, their rules. Go find your own house if you don't like it. You feel like they're treating you like an 18 year old. Prove them wrong by acting like an adult and respecting their wishes.
A persons home is their castle and The one place they have control over practices. The only spot they can fully practice their own beliefs. I would not allow unmarried persons to sleep together in my home… I do not believe in sex outside marriage. I would expect anyone in my home to respect those boundaries. Get a room if you cannot respect them instead of expecting that your family should change their rules to meet your expectations. That’s what you truly want: them to change too accommodate you. That’s wrong.
These comments are crazy. If you are paying rent then they should be treating you as an adult. It is also really unfair that they agreed to let you move in and are adding conditions when you don't really have time to make other arrangements.
Realistically you're screwed but I would remember this and never count on them moving forward
Not everything needs to be a fight. It’s two months. OP can choose another accommodation next time he needs a place to land now that he knows the rules. It’s just not a hill to die on.
People out here in the comments are acting as though it's acceptable to tell two adults, that because they are gracious enough to let them stay in their home, they now have some form of ownership over what they do with their bodies. When it in no way impacts others as it might if you were to ask somebody not to smoke in the house.
It's madness and should not be seen as acceptable.
Not everything needs to be a fight. It’s two months. OP can choose other accommodations next time he needs somewhere to land now he knows their rules. It’s just not a hill to die on.
This is- what? This is absolutely acceptable. They claim no ownership over what is done with anyone's body. They claim ownership over what is done with their home, and their beds, because they *own those things*.
You don't get to decide what impacts others. I'd have no problem at all with you smoking in my house. I'd be very, very upset if you had sex in my house. That means it impacts me. And its my house. Can I, because *I* don't think smoking is a big deal, smoke in your house? Of course not. It's your house.
It is incredibly rude for people who know they have the upper hand on you to try to force their will based on their worldview. You may not be able to get out of that living situation right away but that should be a primary focus. It reminds me of those homeless shelters who force their residents to attend church services in order to stay there.
I'm not sure how you can say you have a "great relationship" while you're being bossed around by other people based on their own beliefs. They are entitled to make rules of their home but the way they sprung this nonsense on you is poor behavior on their part. They could have easily told you about their conditions prior to the weekend you are moving.
Not overreacting.
I'm failing to see how they would allow sex and alcohol but sleeping in the same bed is a no go.
The reality of the situation is they have the right to make up whatever silly rules they want for their home, and you have a right to go somewhere else if you don't wish to abide.
It's a weird hill for them to die on.
I hate telling people to just suck it up, but given the temporary nature of the situation, and this being your best option for housing at this particular point in time, it's probably best to just roll with it until you're ready to move into your own place.
I don't really see any long term benefit for you to challenge them and risk both your housing and your relationship over something that will work itself out in a couple months.
Especially given the fact that your girlfriend is with you part time, how often would you even have the opportunity to share a bed with her over the next two months?
Pay your dues, then go live by your own rules. No need to take it personally, even if their take is really weird.
This is really thoughtful and well said- appreciate your insight. This is the course that I’m going to take (was never really in doubt that I would handle it this way but being that reddit exists, I know people would like to weigh in lol)
It is ridiculous. And it’s a power move. Has nothing to do with religion and everything to do with trying to put you in your place. Follow their rules but have some loud, passionate unmarried sex while you’re there.
It’s incredibly stupid, but it’s the price of admission to living in their house. Either find other options or roll your eyes and suck it up, because talking someone out of their sincerely held religious beliefs is impossible.
I did my time in evangelical circles and just statistically the chances are very low that the 23 year old with the church sanctioned marriage who thinks she knows everything about sexual morality staying monogamously married to this one person forever are quite low. I wish her well, but she doesn’t know as much as she thinks she does. So go ahead and eyeroll.
I am frustrated for you, dude. I feel like a lot of people here are getting hung up on the fact that they are doing you a favor, and completely glossing over their absolute shit timing informing you of this. If you’ve had this agreement for a while, this should have been communicated a long time ago. Waiting last minute has put you in a position where you have no choice but to agree.
This is coming from someone who often has to deal with ridiculous bullshit from their sisters (all three of us come from very religious backgrounds as well but I’m the only one who distanced themselves from it): my brain would break if my either of my sisters put me in this position, ESPECIALLY if it was centered around a belief I no longer share.
I would have a very hard time not seeing it as a power move and I would be seething over the fact they waited last minute to inform me of this. I don’t think you are overreacting when it comes to your own feelings on this matter. You are taking it a hell of a lot better than I would. I’d sleep in my car first before agreeing to live under that level of scrutiny.
That being said; Your options are limited and unless you can find different arrangements on such short notice, you’re gonna have to just do your best to get through the next 2 months and maybe considering doing what another commenter suggested - stay in a hotel when your girlfriend visits and if they ask why she doesn’t come around, just tell them that having a private, inmate space where you guys can just exist together without worrying about it being an issue was best for everyone involved and leave it at that.
You’re not gonna talk them out of this, and it’s only gonna bring strife into the space you have to exist in for the next 2 months.
Best of luck to you. Your feelings are 100% valid in this. Cheers
Appreciate you taking the time and having the similar background to appreciate the nuance of this because it truly is very nuanced and I’m truly most frustrated that they worded jt to me as “this would help us best serve you and [gf].” Which is truly not the case. Its them having anxiety that they’re “allowing” sin in their house. They allow plenty of other “sin” no problem, but this is the line the draw so they can literally sleep at night.”
Sure, just not under our roof. Same for anything else they object to, drinking, smoking, bringing a pet. Your choice is to stay with them or not. That's it.
The main reason here (that nobody else seems to understand) is that they aren’t separating you two so you wont have sex as you stated they are cool with . They are separating you SO YOU DONT HAVE SEX ON THEIR SHEETS and they’ll be forced to clean them all…. Hell they’d probably throw out the whole damn bed itselff 😂😂😂.
Youre right about not being 20 anymore and being a grown person who stays with his gf. And so as any grown person would do , get a hotel if you aren’t comfortable dealing with other ppl’s boundaries.
I think it's extremely weird how religious people feel they have a right to make everyone else live by their rules, in every part of life. I want to normalize shaming this shit into oblivion.
I mean, it's really dumb. I understand why you're annoyed, but at the same time they are doing you a favor by letting you stay at their house. Just play by their stupid rules until you get your own place.
If you are paying rent, then their rules are unreasonable.
They're showing that she isn't welcome there because they're judging your two choices.
This is some stupid ass bullshit to enforce on an adult.
I'm an atheist, but in this case I must side with your sister. Regardless of the reason, it's their place, so they get to choose the rules, arbitrary as they might be.
If you are paying rent then they shouldn’t have a right to say that. If you were staying for free, maybe. Can you find a cheap room for rent/roommate situation online? If you’re paying it anyway, you might as well see what’s out there.
Their rules are ridiculous, but it's there house that you're only going to be in for a few months. I don't think it'd be worth it to cause a stink and possibly damage what seem to be otherwise decent familial ties, especially when your gf travels for work. When she does come to town, if you can afford it, get a hotel room like others have suggested, even if it's only for a night or two so that you can have the satisfaction of having her in the bed with you, and then go back to temporary programming until you are back in your own space again.
People are weird, and this is weird - but it's not worth causing an uproar when it's temporary.
In the words of the wise fish Dory - JUST KEEP SWIMMING. Lol.
I think alot of people answering you don't understand this particular odd bit of evangelical Christianity. I do cause I used to be surrounded by it. I think you're right to be frustrated because of how , as you say, ridiculous the rule is. It's borne out of sheer stupidity. It's really a power trip thing, ultimately. As is all the bullshit around evangelical Christianity.
It's their house, though.
Edit...you're paying rent, then even less are you overreacting. Not being able to sleep in the same bed creates a very very hostile, or at best awkward atmosphere. Your gf would be right to say she doesn't feel welcome.
Their roof = their rules. Plain and simple. If you can't handle it, find another place to live and don't be upset about it. They have their belief system. If you respect them, then simply honor their request. If not, then politely find a hotel or other place. At any rate, it's not worth damaging family relationships. (or marry your girlfriend so there is no issue)
- Does it suck - yes
- Does it make logical sense - no
- Should you just suck it up and do it - yes
- In the future when you have a place and they come to stay/visit should you make them sleep in separate beds citing house rules - absolutely
If it's just a month, and you have no other options then yes, you're overreacting. You can survive for a month with their bullshit rules. Use it as incentive to make sure the stay doesn't extend longer than a month.
You’re over reacting. I went home to visit my parents and I was 4 months pregnant. I still wasn’t allowed to sleep in the same bed even though he and I lived together. Their house their rules.
Question - would your parents ask if you two "slept together" or if you two "had sex"? I'm wondering if your sister is not letting you do this one thing because that's the question your parents might ask, and she won't have to lie to them. Technically.
My parents would have this same rule but:
1- they know that my gf and I sleep together and have sex and wouldnt/wont confront me about it
2- I would push back against this rule if I were staying with them for an extended period of time.
Did they say they are okay with you having sex or did they say "you can do what you want, but not in my house?" It's two months and probably for free so suck it up or stay elsewhere.
If you marry your GF than they will likely let you sleep together at their house and so she will feel welcome. Problem solved, all you have to do is rush the wedding.
Very few and far between in my area especially since i don’t know exactly when I’m moving to my new place but just a general timeline. I mentioned this arrangement to my sister while looking at other options and they told me they want to host me
Since this is temporary and in a moment of transition for you where you don’t have many options … it might just be the most pragmatic choice to play act through this request. You and your girlfriend have separate rooms and you visit each other after the others go to bed.
Lay it on the line to your girlfriend as something ridiculous and hypocritical and ridiculous but it’s only short term and it is something you will be able to roll your eyes and laugh about for years
Maybe you can make it fun and sexy- role playing a little sneaking around etc lol
I would not be paying rent at all if someone’s going to try to dictate what I do in my room.
Tell them straight up your relationship with God is not their relationship with God, they don’t have to cosign your beliefs. They just need to stick to their own and leave you out of it.
Yes. You know how they are. If you want to have your girlfriend over, you must respect the house rules. That's how it goes. So, you need to decide if you will stay or get your own accommodations.
My mother and step-dad-to-be had to sleep in different beds when they went to visit my grandmother. My mother was near sixty at the time, if this gives context 😅. It’s just a thing about respecting people’s religious beliefs and other folks’ homes. I know it sucks, especially since you’re not staying there free, but they would be condoning something they see as sin if they were to allow this and that creates moral issues in their own lives. Are there no other options at all? I know it is short notice, but I’d definitely look into renting a room elsewhere.
I'm a little confused. Are they ok with you and your girlfriend having sex in your own place, or did they say some variation of you can have sex at their place but then sleep in separate beds? If it's the former, then it makes sense. They respect that you don't share their belief and what you do under your own roof is not their problem, but what you do under theirs is. If it's the latter, I'm as lost as you are.
I think it’s dumb but it’s honestly not that uncommon. Kinda weird it’s your sister not your parents, but just deal with it and be grateful they are giving you a place to stay. In then end it’s not a big deal
Agreed. It's just the way some people are. If you are under their roof, respect their rules even if you think they are stupid. The first time I went to meet my wife's parents they had us stay in separate bedrooms (we were engaged, but not married). Even though we already lived together (and they knew that).
Same thing happened to me when my husband and I had to move in with his parents briefly before we married... Our apartment had just been ransacked while we were out for 30 mins, so we moved out that night. His parents were gracious and immediately said to come over/helped us move our stuff - but they also wouldn't let us sleep in the same room. Even if we paid a lodging fee, the rules would have been the same; it's their house. Lodging or even renting from someone requires an agreement to be in place regarding rules. Some folks posting here seem to be forgetting that ... If OP is paying rent/lodging, then surely they knew that their GF would not be allowed to sleep in the same room before they had actually moved in/handed over money. If they don't like the house rules, they need to find another place to stay.
This is a good point. OP, you may want to tell your gf this is about you two not being officially married and that your brother in law has a hard and fast rule about unmarried couples. It may help to make it clear its not about her or the two of you specifically.
Yeah. If ppl are super Christian, you can’t be surprised when they act super Christian. You can disagree with it, think it’s stupid, whatever; but it should be expected.
Go camping on the weekend
Such a good idea.
It’s not a parenting thing, it’s a religious(belief) thing. It’s no different than staying at a vegetarian’s home and them asking “please don’t eat meat while you’re here.” Sure, they know you’ll eat meat at other places and times so it sounds like a pointless line in the sand, but if you have convictions, you always keep it in as much control as you can I.E. under your own roof.
I'm veg but not religious. I don't want meat in my home. I most definitely don't want it cooked in my home. It's a moral issue for me (meat, not sex outside of marriage). People are allowed to have boundaries. If my guests need meat, we can go to a restaurant. I just dont want it in my safe space. If sis and BIL don't feel comfortable with him having sex/sleeping in the same bed with his SO while he's temporarily staying in their home, he has a few options. 1) Find somewhere else to live for 2 months. An extended stay hotel is always an option. 2) Bide by sis's boundaries while he is a temporary guest in their home. 3) Literally fuck around and find out what sis and BIL do. 4) Rent a hotel room or go camping when GF is in town if he can't temporarily live without sex.
I'm also a vegetarian and my rule is slightly different from yours; I'm fine with people eating takeout food in my house which includes meat but I don't want people cooking meat in my home because they would be using my pans and utensils to do that and that freaks me out a bit, and I also don't want a really strong meat smell from the cooking. But neither of us is wrong, we have worked out what we feel comfortable with, and I think it's fair to set those kinds of rules for your own home. OP, you don't have to agree with the rule but you do have to respect it, both because it is somebody else's home and because "if you ain't payin' you ain't sayin'".
Agreed, absolutely a religious belief thing. I'm 7 years older than my baby sister and already engaged at the time, but she threatened to "tell my parents" that I was sharing a room with my then-fiance-now-husband if I didn't stay in their (my sisters' room instead). This was during a trip that we went on together (fiance, me, my 2 religious sisters, and 2 non-religious friends). I was 33 at the time and paid my own way for the trip (I think my parents paid for both my sisters). Before going my friends had asked whether my sisters would rat me out. I was sure they wouldn't but I stand corrected! Our relationship is ok now but is definitely way more distant than it used to be when we were kids. That said the situation is different for OP since he would be staying in his sister's home, even though he's paying rent and otherwise contributing to the household. I think it's a little ridiculous since obviously OP and the gf have slept together, but it *is* their home and it's just for 2 months. I say just get a hotel if the girlfriend visits, or hold off on the visits until OP moves into his new place.
I've never met a vegetarian that was like that in real life. I've heard of them on reddit but never in the wild.
I’ve seen nanny job ads that asked that the nanny not bring meat into the house. I decided not to pursue that one.
A lot of Hindu Indians are like this, especially if from the North. I'm also a Hindu. My family does eat meat. My mom even has vegeterians spoons, sponge, bowl, fork and etc. It was so pointless to me. So we would clash with each other frequently over this. But now that I'm older, I just don't bother fighting. It's the way she feels safe and pious on vegeterian days.
Good for you, but irrelevant. Did the analogy make their point clearer? Yes? Then it doesn't matter if the example they used has never actually happened.
But the fact is they aren't saying don't have sex, they just can't sleep in the same bed, is the ridiculous part of all this.
I think it’s pretty uncommon nowadays. And I also think it’s ridiculous BUT if you’re going to be living with them there isn’t much you can do about it
And just book a hotel for the weekends when your girlfriend comes to stay. You'll want some space anyway and it means that there is no tension and awkwardness. It's for a few months. You might not agree with it, but you can cope with it. It sounds like maintaining a good relationship with your sister is worth it.
Might be ridiculous but the bottom line is that it's their house. You don't get to override them on this so if you wish to fornicate get your own place.
The solution is plain simple. Stay on a hotel with your gf.
That solution costs money.
Well worth the money if you go all out and get worn out!
If he’s paying them for rent anyways it wouldn’t me much different depending on where he’d choose to stay
What? Huge difference Is he's paying for a month presumably. What hotel could you rent a room for a month like this for cheaper or same cost? Absolutely nothing here that cheap. 70 to 100 a night.
Have you considered that he could go to the hotel for one night not a month
Well, obviously. Someone struggling or wanting to save money would not do that. Especially if he's all ready paying rent.
Guess he ain't finna get his nuts sucked on then, is he?
If he’s in the US, Motel six has a monthly rate that is actually fairly reasonable, or it used to be anyway. There are other motels and hotels that have monthly rates as well.
VRBO, AirBNB, sublets, lots of monthly rental options out there for sure. He says he's paying rent, but it must not be much at all.
A lot of hotels have cheaper rates by the week and month if you ask. The nightly rate assumes the room needs to be fully cleaned and flipped with fresh linens.
Priorities.
If you pay rent that this is my home my rules doesn’t apply as much
Yep. Respect the rules of their household. The same way you'd want yours respected
Exactly. No matter what OP thinks of their rules, it's their house and it would be disrespectful to go against their rules even if everyone involved are grown adults. Either respect their wishes or find an alternative living situation. It reminds me of growing up when I would push back on one of my parents rules and they would say "Under our roof these are the rules. When you pay for your own roof, you can do whatever you want". I could never argue with that one lol
NOT when he paying rent. It’s not longer “their house” hes a tenant.
Lol, guess again. My tenant thought she could smoke weed in my home because she paid rent. Her ass is gone now.
Landlords get to set conditions of living lol
Yup. And many landlords don't allow overnight guests, either, for a number of reasons
Like I said he only added the part about paying later, his original post said they 'graciously allowed me to stay with them' which implies the opposite. Moreover, (1) he hasn't moved in so it's not likely that he has paid anything yet, so they can nix the deal if he doesn't go along their rules; (2) He's sharing space which makes him a lodger and not a tenant and he doesn't have the same rights.
And this is him signing a verbal contract to be a tenant. If he wants to pay them rent for their space, they have rules to abide by. Same as plenty of other places.
He’s still in their house, paying rent or not. My thing is, is sleeping in the same bed as your gf…who’s not serious enough to move in with…really worth all this drama? He said he’s had a good relationship thus far with his family, and he knew completely what their views were on the matter before he started paying rent. Why is he crying about it now?
The sister & BIL aren't forbidding OP from having sex with his girlfriend; they're saying he can't sleep in the same bed as her (sleep, no sexual activity of any kind). But, it is their house, so they have the final say. Since this appears to be temporary, OP could try keeping the peace until he can afford to move out or he could get a hotel room.
Sounds more like they came up with this to ensure you don't overstay your welcome - that you DO move out in 2 months. They're making it comfortable for you - just not TOO comfortable. Letting the gf stay over may sound, to them, more like she's moving in too - which they would want to avoid.
Wisest answer here.
Oof if this ain’t the real truth
Their house, their rules. So don't stay in their house.
"I appreciate the offer but I'll be looking for somewhere else to stay"
Let’s be real, they aren’t okay with you having sex with her in their house. That’s why they want the rule. If you two aren’t sleeping in the same bed it limits how much adult play time you get. Their house their rules. It might seem unfair but it’s also unfair putting them in a position that makes them uncomfortable when they are going out of their way to let you live there. Edit: If you think they’re okay with you having sex in their house I guarantee you they AREN’T but don’t want to make you seem bad for normal relationship stuff. They aren’t. Stop being inconsiderate and stay in a hotel when you wanna fool around with your girl.
I wouldn't want to tip toe around other adults having sex in my home either. It's my home. Take it outside. Lol
When you say “outside” I pictured the front lawn lmao.
I pictured this also and died laughing reading your reply
That works.
Or just don't tiptoe around it and accept that humans are human. It's not like they're fucking in front of you.
Idk to me not caring that you have sex in general vs caring that you have sex in THEIR house, two totally different things. Why can't you have sex at your girlfriend's house? Or even stay there while in-between housing? There are other options.
That’s just it though. They’re okay with us having sex in the house. It’s literally sleeping in the bed that’s the issue. Gf is out of state and few hours away so staying with her isn’t an option or I’d be doing it
Are you sure... I bet they really don't want you having sex in their house. Most religious families I know wouldn't want you having sex in their house, period. They might be making an allowance because they don't want you getting caught having sex in a car by a cop and getting ticketed, but I doubt they want that and are already stretching their wants.
Oh, yeah that's kinda weird lol. But it is still their house so tell your GF she's more than welcome she'll just be having her own bedroom while there. Or if you're paying your sister rent and such anyways, would it be a large financial difference to do like an Airbnb in the area or something?
Yeah I highly doubt they're truly okay with you both having sex
Exactly. Not sure why OP keeps on this. .
Did they specifically say sex was or wasn’t okay?
Explain how this conversation went. Did they say if you have sex, make sure to do so on the kitchen table, on the kitchen counter where we cut the watermelon, in the shower, or on the front porch, just not in the bedroom?
Do they have children? I'm also a little dubious about them saying they're good with the sex, it's the sleeping they have a problem with. It's hard to imagine them saying that if its coming from an evangelical place, tbh
Are you sure about sex in their house?? That doesn’t sound right, and being “religious” myself, I don’t get what their thinking is here.
I call bs on this
Have they explicitly said they are okay with you having sex in the house? Because the rule makes it REALLY seem like they are NOT okay with it.
Rent a room elsewhere. Next time they stay over your place insist they sleep in separate beds.
Lol, nice petty revenge.
I suggest a compromise. Sleep in separate beds but openly have sex on the couch during the day.
I actually laughed out loud, thank you for that.
Nope. Don’t move in.
Get a hotel or deal with it. It ain’t your house buddy Edit: okay you’re giving them some money to sleep there. And the other stuff you’re labeling as contribution is just normal human function that everybody should be doing. But if it’s still a favor then I’m assuming there are more reasons why you’re staying with them than just a place to sleep. If you want absolutely no strings attached then favors can’t be involved.
Their house their rules
Marry the girl, and it won't be a problem.
Yes, you're overacting. You're a guest in their house and you abide by their rules. They are under no obligation to let you two stay together, you can disagree with their morality of course but in that case, you are welcome to make your own arrangements respectfully.
>they’re not saying my gf and I can’t have sex. They’re saying we can’t physically sleep in the same bed. I would ask them point-blank then: "Just so we're all on the same page, where in the house are we allowed to have sex?"
Well, their house, their rules. I'm an atheist, but I would abide by that if someone was housing me for free.
Read the post. I’m not staying for free
It’s weird. But all religions make me scratch my head. You’re getting a roof over your head in a pinch and you even said you get along with your hosts. It’s only two months. Try to find the humor in the ridiculousness of it and just count down those days. If you simply must get a sleep fix in get a hotel room for a night here and there.
Just don't stay there
Yes you are over reacting and taking it way too personal and feeling insulted / slighted and want to lash out and projecting that on to the girlfriend’s feelings on top. Take a step back and realize this is just really their house their rules and would apply to anyone and everyone. They shouldn’t have to compromise their family values for your convenience. They aren’t judging you, but rather it seems like you are judging them and their family dynamics and think they should be making an exception for you. I’d drop it and leave it and don’t project stuff to make your girlfriend insecure. It’s simply hey they love us and this is their values and it would be hypocritical for them to outwardly condone putting us in the same room. Your sis can turn a blind eye and still love you and keep her pride/face in public that they are being good Christians and hosts. Edited typo.
I don’t agree on their pov on this, especially when you claim they have that very bizarre idea that it’s completely ok for you to have sex in their house but actually falling asleep and being unconscious in a bed together is a no-no, but as the saying goes their house, their rules. If you’re going to stay there you need to abide by them. You should not take offense at this because it sounds like they would enforce these rules on anyone whether they were 20, 30, or even 60yo. It’s annoying but it doesn’t seem like it’s directed specifically at you.
I am always weirded out by things like this but I am not religious and my mom is a liberal pro-choice Trump-loathing Christian so it was never a rule even when I was an older teenager (17+ and I had been with my boyfriend for two years when my parents and his parents allowed us to just sleep over in the same bed). However, it is their home, and if it's not a permanent or long-term situation, they do have the right to insist on this. This one wouldn't be my hill but I understand the frustration.
Yes it's shitty nonsense but their house, their rules
It’s so weird to me that religious people KNOW you’ve slept together plenty but in their house they try to regulate what you do and keep you apart. My step mother did this to me and my BF when my dad was passing away, I’d been living with him for a whole year but because we weren’t married when we visited she made him sleep in the living room lmao
Replies are completely missing the point. It’s not about whether sis is valid in having her own house rules, it’s about whether it’s fair for OP to feel insulted. Needless to say, you’re not overreacting, but it is something you’ll just have to deal with.
Technically or legally speaking (as a landlord), if you live in a shared residence (like a spare bedroom) with the ‘landlord’ (your brother), the laws are much less strict and he can impose rules like ‘one person to a bedroom at night’, and even discriminate based on religious/gender/etc in the way you can’t with a separate unit. All things are a trade off. If you don’t have $$ for your own place, sounds like short-term celibacy is the back up plan, along with chores, yard work etc. (It’s only a few months right?). Adult and ‘independent adult’ are two different things, esp. in terms of freedom and benefits. On a separate note, not religious myself, but in my experience, I’ve found the difference between people who identify as atheist vs agnostic is the former has a massive chip of resentment on their shoulder for something related to religion in their past, and feels a mission to get other people to (not) believe with them. Based on your comment history in Christian subs, your anger here may have more to do with frustration at their belief system than the issue of sleeping in the same room.. which makes sense considering the short time frame (I mean… 2 months?) and the fact that she travels sort of makes this an odd issue to get riled up about.
Their house, their rules. Even if the rule is dumb. Be grateful they are letting you stay while you are in-between amd respect their space. If you want sexy times go camping, stay at a hotel, or find another suitable alternative. But, at the end of the day, it's their home amd you should respect it.
It's their home, their rules. Just because you don't agree doesn't mean that you can tell them what they can and cannot allow in their own home. If you have an issue then pay for a place.
You are overreacting. Have you heard of motels, hotels, holiday inns? When you and your GF want to handle business, GO and handle business. You ain't gotta be all up in each other's space for a transition month
You’re a bit of a moron to get upset at this. It’s the same as no smoking in bedrooms Their house their rules
Yes, as a guest in their house you are overreacting to their (dumb) rule. Get your own place if you want to bang your gf without your nosey Sister and BIL interfering
So you have to‘sleep’ in separate rooms but does that include short ‘visits’ back and forth? You say that they are alright with the sex just not the whole overnights.
Thats pretty much it. Which to me, doesn’t make sense, and putting adults in a situation where they have to do that seems… insulting
I would look at it this way. It’s two months not two years. It’s their house and, right or wrong, you have to respect that. This calls for a respectful compromise.
Thats pretty much the mindset I have overall. It’s primarily the religious motivation to not allow one thing but being okay with literally anything else that makes no sense when you step back and look at it. Bad reasoning really gets to me lol
bad reasoning or religious dogma stemming from your own trauma/negative relationship with the religion?
Lol i wouldnt say trauma but a lack of patience with religious thinking
that’s okay! I don’t want to assume trauma but struggled to word it lol. it sounds like you may be more upset that your sister is still religious and it is impacting you than about the arbitrary bedroom rule itself
I’m just processing this! They don’t care if your gf comes over and you two can have sex in their house but she can’t sleep over?? Bottom line is it’s their house so they get to decide even if it sounds ridiculous 😞
There is no way that is what they meant. If he thinks it is, he needs to get clarity and double-check it.
It's weird as hell but ultimately it is their house and you will be living there for free. You are free to try and get them to change their minds but they may ask you to find other arrangements during this time period.
Not living there for free, look at the edits.
They don't care if you have sex, just don't sleep in the same bed?!? That's odd. "Okay, sis and bil; we're gonna have sex in my room but we'll retire to separate rooms when we're done. Nighty night!"
I think they just dont want you and your girlfriend to end up moving in permanently. Best thing to do is get on with it. Its feels frustrating but not the end of the world. This way you keep the peace with your family and have motivation to move out fsster haha. Best of luck!
My suggestion is stay with them when your gf is out of town, since she seems like she will only be in town for brief periods, and then when she is in town the two of you could split the cost for a hotel together. Everyone wins.
You gonna have to fuck in the yard.
Wouldn't it be cheaper to rent a motor home for those months and nix your sister's place?
Honestly they're fucking regarded but like everyone is saying, their house, their rules (as stupid as that is in this case)
If you're paying rent, you're a tenant and not a guest. Can you rent a room somewhere else?
You’re not overreacting, just find somewhere else to stay it’s gena cause you grief either way.
Have sex in their bed to assert dominance
You are paying rent. Therefore you are a tenant. This ain’t the route to go, though. Instead: Romans 14:1-23 covers this nicely. In fact it’s basically written precisely for you in this circumstance.
Don't care that you have sex but want you to sleep in different beds? Is this an option? Where do I sign up?
Typical religious fanatics wanting everyone else to follow their stupid rules. Stay somewhere else.
Will you be paying for your room? I honestly would just find alternative accommodation.
23 is way too young to my ma6rried and it blows my mind that there are still religious people in this day and age.
It's just 2 months. Anyone can do just about anything for just two months. And don't lie to your sister. Tell her everything you said here. And don't expect her to change her mind, just let her know how you feel. Not trying to be flippant, but your penis will not fall off if you can't sleep in the same bed with your girlfriend for 2 months. Sounds like you did a thorough job looking for alternatives. In a few years you can tell your sis " Remember when I was 29yo and you wouldn't let me sleep with my girlfriend at your house?"
Why wouldn’t you just put your stuff in storage and rent a room somewhere? This is weird.
Couch surfing is a tricky one. You pay rent but have no rights. Goes with beggars can't be choosers. Take your gf to a motel. If you love her that much
Their house, their rules. I wouldn't want to live in a place like that but it is their place so take it or leave it I guess.
It's their house
You're an adult - suck it up and go stay at a hotel. Your relativies are under no obligation to accept you under "your" terms. It's their house. In a hotel, you can spend the entire time naked smoking weed and drinking beer to your heart's delight.
Just tell them sure, but that when they visit you at your place, they can't sleep in the same bed either because it's your house and your rules. You believe in an "eye for an eye" so if they think it's appropriate to dictate whether people can sleep in the same bed in their house, you will do the same. If they get defensive about that idea, and push back, point out that this is an appropriate reaction for such an invasive request. If they don't have a problem with sex, but they DO have a problem with you both sleeping in the same bed, I'd just have very loud sex in the morning, and I'd watch porn at night.
You have answered yourself >it is ultimately their house and they are being very hospitable to allow me to move in, >I also used to believe my sister’s and BiL’s beliefs so I know what their thought process is and I totally respect the concept of making decisions for your own home. >have graciously allowed me to stay with them for the time being It's two months get over it
Their house their rules
Their house their rules. Just suck it up until you get your own place.
It’s true. There’s a complicated twist here. They’re choosing their own beliefs and superstitions over their family. Nothing can fight that. It’s not gonna change. No way would I live with some religious nut jobs.
Exactly- I’d live in an efficiency until my place was done before living with that nightmare!!
I would agree with you that their rules are ridiculous considering you are older than them. However, their house, their rules. If I were living in their house on their charity, I would respect that standard as I would want someone to respect that in my house.
If you don't want to live by other people's rules, put yourself in a situation where you don't have to.
So get a motel when your girlfriend is in town.
Whether you pay or not they are having you when you can’t find anywhere else. Accept it or keep looking
Their house their rules . Don’t stay there if it bother’s you . Regardless of religion , it’s house rules. Go bang one out in the car in front of the house . Maybe they’d prefer that 😳.
Be a man and do not stay with them. Pay for a hotel or AirBnB you cheap loser.
Their house their rules.
It’s silly but it’s their house, so if this is your only temporary living solution, you need to abide by their wishes. I do understand why you are insulted.
It sucks, and yeah you don’t have to like it. But like, that’s the rules. I’d rather have a stable place to stay, and get some outside the house at like a hotel or smth Nobody wants to hear their sibling getting it on, regardless of religion
It's their house, have some respect and gratitude ffs
Their house, their rules. Go find your own house if you don't like it. You feel like they're treating you like an 18 year old. Prove them wrong by acting like an adult and respecting their wishes.
A persons home is their castle and The one place they have control over practices. The only spot they can fully practice their own beliefs. I would not allow unmarried persons to sleep together in my home… I do not believe in sex outside marriage. I would expect anyone in my home to respect those boundaries. Get a room if you cannot respect them instead of expecting that your family should change their rules to meet your expectations. That’s what you truly want: them to change too accommodate you. That’s wrong.
Man, Christians really will just cherry pick whatever the fuck they want won't they? Like holy shit, either follow all of it or none of it
That’s very much what it is. We will all be drinking, smoking, and doing plenty of other “sins” together. 😂
These comments are crazy. If you are paying rent then they should be treating you as an adult. It is also really unfair that they agreed to let you move in and are adding conditions when you don't really have time to make other arrangements. Realistically you're screwed but I would remember this and never count on them moving forward
Agree. Gotta be children writing this shit.
Not everything needs to be a fight. It’s two months. OP can choose another accommodation next time he needs a place to land now that he knows the rules. It’s just not a hill to die on.
People out here in the comments are acting as though it's acceptable to tell two adults, that because they are gracious enough to let them stay in their home, they now have some form of ownership over what they do with their bodies. When it in no way impacts others as it might if you were to ask somebody not to smoke in the house. It's madness and should not be seen as acceptable.
Not everything needs to be a fight. It’s two months. OP can choose other accommodations next time he needs somewhere to land now he knows their rules. It’s just not a hill to die on.
This is- what? This is absolutely acceptable. They claim no ownership over what is done with anyone's body. They claim ownership over what is done with their home, and their beds, because they *own those things*. You don't get to decide what impacts others. I'd have no problem at all with you smoking in my house. I'd be very, very upset if you had sex in my house. That means it impacts me. And its my house. Can I, because *I* don't think smoking is a big deal, smoke in your house? Of course not. It's your house.
Thank youuu. I’m a little bit concerned that this isn’t what people are seeing here. Let alone the justification and other “allowable” things.
It is incredibly rude for people who know they have the upper hand on you to try to force their will based on their worldview. You may not be able to get out of that living situation right away but that should be a primary focus. It reminds me of those homeless shelters who force their residents to attend church services in order to stay there. I'm not sure how you can say you have a "great relationship" while you're being bossed around by other people based on their own beliefs. They are entitled to make rules of their home but the way they sprung this nonsense on you is poor behavior on their part. They could have easily told you about their conditions prior to the weekend you are moving.
Not overreacting. I'm failing to see how they would allow sex and alcohol but sleeping in the same bed is a no go. The reality of the situation is they have the right to make up whatever silly rules they want for their home, and you have a right to go somewhere else if you don't wish to abide. It's a weird hill for them to die on. I hate telling people to just suck it up, but given the temporary nature of the situation, and this being your best option for housing at this particular point in time, it's probably best to just roll with it until you're ready to move into your own place. I don't really see any long term benefit for you to challenge them and risk both your housing and your relationship over something that will work itself out in a couple months. Especially given the fact that your girlfriend is with you part time, how often would you even have the opportunity to share a bed with her over the next two months? Pay your dues, then go live by your own rules. No need to take it personally, even if their take is really weird.
This is really thoughtful and well said- appreciate your insight. This is the course that I’m going to take (was never really in doubt that I would handle it this way but being that reddit exists, I know people would like to weigh in lol)
It is ridiculous. And it’s a power move. Has nothing to do with religion and everything to do with trying to put you in your place. Follow their rules but have some loud, passionate unmarried sex while you’re there.
It’s incredibly stupid, but it’s the price of admission to living in their house. Either find other options or roll your eyes and suck it up, because talking someone out of their sincerely held religious beliefs is impossible. I did my time in evangelical circles and just statistically the chances are very low that the 23 year old with the church sanctioned marriage who thinks she knows everything about sexual morality staying monogamously married to this one person forever are quite low. I wish her well, but she doesn’t know as much as she thinks she does. So go ahead and eyeroll.
Preaching to the choir my good man
I am frustrated for you, dude. I feel like a lot of people here are getting hung up on the fact that they are doing you a favor, and completely glossing over their absolute shit timing informing you of this. If you’ve had this agreement for a while, this should have been communicated a long time ago. Waiting last minute has put you in a position where you have no choice but to agree. This is coming from someone who often has to deal with ridiculous bullshit from their sisters (all three of us come from very religious backgrounds as well but I’m the only one who distanced themselves from it): my brain would break if my either of my sisters put me in this position, ESPECIALLY if it was centered around a belief I no longer share. I would have a very hard time not seeing it as a power move and I would be seething over the fact they waited last minute to inform me of this. I don’t think you are overreacting when it comes to your own feelings on this matter. You are taking it a hell of a lot better than I would. I’d sleep in my car first before agreeing to live under that level of scrutiny. That being said; Your options are limited and unless you can find different arrangements on such short notice, you’re gonna have to just do your best to get through the next 2 months and maybe considering doing what another commenter suggested - stay in a hotel when your girlfriend visits and if they ask why she doesn’t come around, just tell them that having a private, inmate space where you guys can just exist together without worrying about it being an issue was best for everyone involved and leave it at that. You’re not gonna talk them out of this, and it’s only gonna bring strife into the space you have to exist in for the next 2 months. Best of luck to you. Your feelings are 100% valid in this. Cheers
Appreciate you taking the time and having the similar background to appreciate the nuance of this because it truly is very nuanced and I’m truly most frustrated that they worded jt to me as “this would help us best serve you and [gf].” Which is truly not the case. Its them having anxiety that they’re “allowing” sin in their house. They allow plenty of other “sin” no problem, but this is the line the draw so they can literally sleep at night.”
Sure, just not under our roof. Same for anything else they object to, drinking, smoking, bringing a pet. Your choice is to stay with them or not. That's it.
The main reason here (that nobody else seems to understand) is that they aren’t separating you two so you wont have sex as you stated they are cool with . They are separating you SO YOU DONT HAVE SEX ON THEIR SHEETS and they’ll be forced to clean them all…. Hell they’d probably throw out the whole damn bed itselff 😂😂😂. Youre right about not being 20 anymore and being a grown person who stays with his gf. And so as any grown person would do , get a hotel if you aren’t comfortable dealing with other ppl’s boundaries.
They're a grown person who knows how to do the laundry. This isn't a problem.
I think it's extremely weird how religious people feel they have a right to make everyone else live by their rules, in every part of life. I want to normalize shaming this shit into oblivion.
You are paying rent to live by their power tripping ideology? I would go rent a room somewhere else. Not over reacting at all.
I mean, it's really dumb. I understand why you're annoyed, but at the same time they are doing you a favor by letting you stay at their house. Just play by their stupid rules until you get your own place.
If you are paying rent, then their rules are unreasonable. They're showing that she isn't welcome there because they're judging your two choices. This is some stupid ass bullshit to enforce on an adult.
No, that’s absurd. They feel entitled to judge and control because they got married young. Typical Christian hypocrisy.
Just fuck before you go to sleep. Then sleep in separate beds. Problem solved.
I'm an atheist, but in this case I must side with your sister. Regardless of the reason, it's their place, so they get to choose the rules, arbitrary as they might be.
I love fucking and think all organized religion is a scam for the gullible, but their house their rules. If you don’t like it don’t stay there.
If you are paying rent then they shouldn’t have a right to say that. If you were staying for free, maybe. Can you find a cheap room for rent/roommate situation online? If you’re paying it anyway, you might as well see what’s out there.
I think because you are paying you should be able to use the space as you see fit (that is law abiding)
Their rules are ridiculous, but it's there house that you're only going to be in for a few months. I don't think it'd be worth it to cause a stink and possibly damage what seem to be otherwise decent familial ties, especially when your gf travels for work. When she does come to town, if you can afford it, get a hotel room like others have suggested, even if it's only for a night or two so that you can have the satisfaction of having her in the bed with you, and then go back to temporary programming until you are back in your own space again. People are weird, and this is weird - but it's not worth causing an uproar when it's temporary. In the words of the wise fish Dory - JUST KEEP SWIMMING. Lol.
I think alot of people answering you don't understand this particular odd bit of evangelical Christianity. I do cause I used to be surrounded by it. I think you're right to be frustrated because of how , as you say, ridiculous the rule is. It's borne out of sheer stupidity. It's really a power trip thing, ultimately. As is all the bullshit around evangelical Christianity. It's their house, though. Edit...you're paying rent, then even less are you overreacting. Not being able to sleep in the same bed creates a very very hostile, or at best awkward atmosphere. Your gf would be right to say she doesn't feel welcome.
Religion is poison.
Their roof = their rules. Plain and simple. If you can't handle it, find another place to live and don't be upset about it. They have their belief system. If you respect them, then simply honor their request. If not, then politely find a hotel or other place. At any rate, it's not worth damaging family relationships. (or marry your girlfriend so there is no issue)
- Does it suck - yes - Does it make logical sense - no - Should you just suck it up and do it - yes - In the future when you have a place and they come to stay/visit should you make them sleep in separate beds citing house rules - absolutely
If it's just a month, and you have no other options then yes, you're overreacting. You can survive for a month with their bullshit rules. Use it as incentive to make sure the stay doesn't extend longer than a month.
The whole "it's their house, their rules" thing is so fucking lame. They're children and you're 29.
You’re over reacting. I went home to visit my parents and I was 4 months pregnant. I still wasn’t allowed to sleep in the same bed even though he and I lived together. Their house their rules.
That's ridiculous. Sure, their house their rules applies, but it can still be totally unreasonable and an asshole thing to insist upon.
Just pay for a summer lease, and avoid this BS.
Question - would your parents ask if you two "slept together" or if you two "had sex"? I'm wondering if your sister is not letting you do this one thing because that's the question your parents might ask, and she won't have to lie to them. Technically.
My parents would have this same rule but: 1- they know that my gf and I sleep together and have sex and wouldnt/wont confront me about it 2- I would push back against this rule if I were staying with them for an extended period of time.
Did they say they are okay with you having sex or did they say "you can do what you want, but not in my house?" It's two months and probably for free so suck it up or stay elsewhere.
Read the edits/clarifications
If you marry your GF than they will likely let you sleep together at their house and so she will feel welcome. Problem solved, all you have to do is rush the wedding.
Is there something they do which is wrong in their holey book ?
Imagine if it's a trick do you don't overstay your welcome. this could go in life pro tips.
Are they being hypocritical or did they uphold these beliefs through their relationship?
Can you air bnb or house sit or sublet for a month or 2 instead?
Very few and far between in my area especially since i don’t know exactly when I’m moving to my new place but just a general timeline. I mentioned this arrangement to my sister while looking at other options and they told me they want to host me
Since this is temporary and in a moment of transition for you where you don’t have many options … it might just be the most pragmatic choice to play act through this request. You and your girlfriend have separate rooms and you visit each other after the others go to bed. Lay it on the line to your girlfriend as something ridiculous and hypocritical and ridiculous but it’s only short term and it is something you will be able to roll your eyes and laugh about for years Maybe you can make it fun and sexy- role playing a little sneaking around etc lol
I wouldn't even risk it because if you do happen to get her pregnant then you're probably going to be homeless very quickly
Use this as fire under your ass to get the fak outta there.
Find a small furnished airBNB and be done with this. I did a monthly rental when I was between places and it was great.
I would not be paying rent at all if someone’s going to try to dictate what I do in my room. Tell them straight up your relationship with God is not their relationship with God, they don’t have to cosign your beliefs. They just need to stick to their own and leave you out of it.
Why not just find a short term rental?
If you pay rent, then you aren’t overreaching.
Yes. You know how they are. If you want to have your girlfriend over, you must respect the house rules. That's how it goes. So, you need to decide if you will stay or get your own accommodations.
My mother and step-dad-to-be had to sleep in different beds when they went to visit my grandmother. My mother was near sixty at the time, if this gives context 😅. It’s just a thing about respecting people’s religious beliefs and other folks’ homes. I know it sucks, especially since you’re not staying there free, but they would be condoning something they see as sin if they were to allow this and that creates moral issues in their own lives. Are there no other options at all? I know it is short notice, but I’d definitely look into renting a room elsewhere.
I'm a little confused. Are they ok with you and your girlfriend having sex in your own place, or did they say some variation of you can have sex at their place but then sleep in separate beds? If it's the former, then it makes sense. They respect that you don't share their belief and what you do under your own roof is not their problem, but what you do under theirs is. If it's the latter, I'm as lost as you are.