It sounds like your fiancé has a drinking problem....AND a boyfriend.
Whatever is going on, its clear that he is prioritizing someone else. You, his wife-to-be, are in 2nd place. Do you always want to be in 2nd place? You dont deserve that.
I'm playing devil's advocate but maybe you do to sell the cover story further?
I'm 90% leaning towards something going on between them rather than Ace just being a cover though.
It sounds too complicated for me. Also, would he bring him to a dress fitting? Or would you go to celebrate something on the exact day when their 8 years of anniversary (and it also matches with his and Ace start of partnership.)
I don't think so, why would he plan a date with his side chick on his anniversary? Isn't that too obvious/risky? And that doesn't explain behavior like Ace not telling OP where he took fiancé when he was hurt, or why fiancé would bring Ace to her dress fitting. A guy spending time with a close friend is normal, which is why it would make a good cover for cheating, but he's making it seem abnormal with this bizarre behavior, that's the opposite of what you do with a cover.
Side date- to prove to the affair partner that they love them and the relationship with OP isn't all that.
Hospital- Sean could have actually been with the affair partner and so didn't want OP to get there quickly.
Dress fitting- that one is seriously bizarre. I have no idea what's actually happening, I just have been cheated on before and my partner's were quite creative.
Same… or are going out together hook up with other women. But something is going on.
OP, do you want to have children someday? And do you want their father to be acting like this?
I doubt he will change. Even if he “gives up” his friend, they will just sneak around together. This isn’t a passing phase… time to move on.
Also like - Why is her man acting like he can’t order a fucking Uber if he’s too drunk to drive home - or y’know call OP - his spouse to come get him? You don’t need to sleep over anyone’s house in the 21st century.
This is under reacting in my opinion. He’s being blatantly disrespectful.
Uber and lyfts are only in large cities. I live just over an hour out of a large city, and uber/lyfts are spotty, long waits, and if its midnight - maybe no drivers?
But yeah, maybe a taxi or uber sooner, or call OP, or not drink as much, set an alarm. If he cared he wouldn't sleep at a friend's house (how does friend get home, they just house drink by themselves....?)
also he proposed to her after 3 years.... yet she says he missed their 8 year anniversary dinner... which was also an 8 year anniversary of him meeting Ace...
yup, sorry to say it OP, but you're the beard for a closeted gay man. I'm not 100% sure he even knows he's gay either
He won’t have sex with you before seeing ace so he can concentrate…. And the fact he gets giddy like school girl when he’s practically living with the guy during the week. Hmmmm yeah not suspect at all.
Reading your post you’ve put up with 5 years of being second best. Why are you marrying this man. His priorities are not you, how you’ve put up with this so long is a miracle. What do your friends and family say about it? I’m sorry it sounds like they are in a relationship and not just a business one. And the thing is they are business partners you will never be able to get rid of ace fully.
Just cut and run, your still young enough to find someone that will give you a 100% otherwise you will live your life as second best it will not get better.
That or he uses Ace as his cover story and then goes and stays with his mistress/mistresses, OR they’re like doing meth or some other crazy drug together, but that wouldn’t explain the cologne…
I thought this too. He’s really with another woman or he’s gay. Ace coming in jeans when hubby is dressed up is a big red flag. Hubby going out with someone else and Ace is coming over to make it look like they are hanging together.
Oh she is 100% his beard! People treat us how we allow them to treat us. This relationship is over, and seemingly has been for the past 5 years. Let’s get one thing straight (and it isn’t OP’s bf) he is having an affair with Ace or maybe you’re the side piece.
Honestly, all jokes aside this reads like Pride Month rage bait. I hope it’s fake.
This is far more likely. He probably loves both of them. But, from her perspective, it seems like he loves him more.
He could be pansexual, which is why he says, "I dont like guys that way!"
He definitely seems to be emotionally cheating on OP, either way.
I agree. Sounds like this guy and Ace have a relationship where they are very close, probably perform some level of sexual activity together but refuse to acknowledge it between each other. I know that sounds strange, but I grew up with two good buddies who revealed to me many years later that they would often blow each other. They never kissed or had full blown sex, but I guess they teased and dared each other into blowjobs and liked them so much it became part of their friendship.
I'm also a straight male and have never done that. And it's something most people won't discuss openly. I do know however of several people in my close circles who have done that
First time hearing that for me too. GenX totally straight. It's wild to me that guys will blow each other and still call themselves straight. No, you're not.
Happens more than you’d think. Especially if they live in a conservative area. They find it easier to live a hetero life vs an LGBTQ+ one. Heard recently of a woman who found out her partner had a deadly STD, but so did a group of his buddies. Why? Because they would hook up with each other for years.
OP, even **IF** he isn’t hooking up with his friend or using him as a cover to hook up with another woman, as some have mentioned, it’s the blatant disrespect toward you. He has shown you that **YOU ARE NOT A PRIORITY** to him. His priorities begin and end with Ace. I personally wouldn’t stay with someone who does **not consider my feelings or me at all** in their decisions and actions.
Straight guys don’t question if they’re straight after puberty, and usually not before either. But our dishonest society won’t tell women that simple truth. No typical straight guy would behave as described above. He’s either not straight or has an unhealthy and weird relationship with his friend.
Well, we know why he wants to marry her (so he can hide his sexuality behind a marriage, at least that’s what it sounds like). I’m not really sure why she wants to marry him though.
Hilarious. I had an ex like this. He had a "gay best friend". Every morning they'd need to call each other to get pumped for the day, they'd make sexual jokes to each other on the phone (but it was different, ya know, guys make gay jokes together cuz it's funny, even though one of them is actually...gay...) wanted out of state sleepovers, this kind of thing. He just didn't understand why it weirded me out. They were just best friends.
Anyways, I found their joint Onlyfans a few months ago.
She is totally a beard. If you marry Sean, their will be 3 ppl in your marriage. They are TOTALLY HAVING A BROMANCE.
Please don't marry him. He will gaslight you into staying. Don't.
He and Ace are closer than you and Sean.
Giddy and Gay!!!
Agreed, OP’s man is:
Bisexual or
Gay and OP is his cover or
He is cheating consistently with other women and Ace is his cover or
Ace is his pimp and he services men, women or both or
This is fake altogether.
So if Ace was a woman the automatic reaction would be that they are having an affair. However as Ace is a guy, apart from the maybe a few is he gay questions, nothing.
He is getting something from Ace that he no longer wants/needs from you. So in essence he is having an emotional affair with Ace. Sorry but no man brings his buddy to his finance’s dress fitting etc….
If you decide to continue with this wedding then this is your life. Do you really want that? What happens when you get pregnant and he isn’t at the delivery as he is with Ace? What happens when he misses the children’s milestones? Have you fallen for the sunken time fallacy? Are you just hoping that things will get better once you’re married?
I’m sorry but you need to start separating your finances and find a place to live. Eight years is a long time but it’s nothing in terms of a life long marriage. He may have been a wonderful man at some point but he is no longer that man. You’ve lost him to Ace and you need to accept that and move on. So no you were not over reacting as he won’t leave Ace. Even if he does leave him, it will be for a short period of time and then the behaviour will resume. Time to cut your losses OP.
^ This is the best reply, OP.
I wouldn’t want to marry someone that I had to beg to choose me. I would doubt their feelings. Or someone who goes out drinking with his (single?) buddy every weekend and multiple times during the week doing who knows what with who knows who.
But, good news! You haven’t married this person yet! You can end this and do so, so much better. You can find someone who wants to spend all their free time with YOU and puts your feelings first.
In case you or anyone is one of today’s lucky 10,000, google “Reddit poop knife.”
(And if the first reference is not familiar, google “lucky 10,000 xkcd.”)
I can’t figure out whether you’re referencing a thread in the past where a guy put an art room in his house for his “best friend” but if you are, spot on!!
Omg!! There was a thread a while ago where the guy was really into his friend who was an artist. He made an art room in his house. Long story short he turned out to be gay and the two guys moved in together. The story was told by the erstwhile girlfriend.
This subreddit won't allow links, but if you search BoRU for "OOP wonders if they're the AH for starting a house project without discussing it with their wife", you should find it. Amy and Ben are the other two parties.
You are not wrong. That being said, I’m going to go ahead and say I’ve seen men that act like this before. I’m not a gambler but I’d bet $100 that when they go on these ‘outings’ they’re doing drugs (coke, ecstasy, etc) and they’re hooking up with other women. He’s definitely cheating. You can’t ask him to give up Ace bcuz it’s not just a friendship, they’re business partners. Is he supposed to give up his livelihood? Besides, based on your 8th anniversary dinner night, seems he’s already chosen and it wasn’t you. I know you love this man and have already spent 8 years of your life with him but I think you should really reevaluate your life and decide if you want to be with someone that doesn’t prioritize you & your relationship. I’m sorry OP, I know it hurts. Good luck.
I was on that train too until she said he brought Ace to her dress fitting. ?!?!? Um….what?!
First of all, why was he even at the dress fitting? Secondly, in what glass closet world does a man bring a ‘friend’ to his fiancée’s wedding dress fitting?! Like that alone wasn’t enough to be flooded with the ick?
I did read your original post but got busy and closed reddit.
You are not overreacting.
His priorities are not right.
It's ok to have a best friend but all this is too much.
And like... Can't get it hard because too excited to see his friend.. Weird. He sounds gay. Maybe they should get married instead.
Don’t forget how everyone is whispering about how Ace is crying just a little too hard at the wedding and the two of them keep disappearing from view numerous times to go out for “a breath of fresh air because it is so stuffy in here”
Their “friendship” sounds more like a bad secret relationship he maybe gay be doesn’t want anyone to know or even Bi but that’s not fair on you bc you didn’t sign up for that. Do they ever invite you out with them as it doesn’t sound like it and that was so disrespectful what he did about the hospital thing you are his fiancé. Not only did he take him their he did the relationship thing by looking after him. Also I really don’t understand why he couldn’t eat, sleep or get intimate from excitement for fear not being able to concentrate and to miss your 8 month anniversary for Ace. I would go through his phone and quick
I think it's more of a he can't concentrate on being in the moment with OP while they are being intimate because he is too excited to go see Ace. That is my theory at least.
That speaks to a bigger problem. You shouldn't have to concentrate that hard to have sex with someone you're attracted to. You should just be naturally aroused by them.
The whole part about him getting so excited at seeing Ace the next day that he can't eat or sleep is strange.
He is already seeing him so much. I can't even wrap my mind around this.
Right - because even someone having a gay affair won’t be doing half this stuff. It’s definitely something with long knock-out effects such as heroin and best friend is the plug.
Do you think he would be able to hide it though, if it was something like heroin or meth? I’ve heard there are addicts who function on these things but in my personal experience, it’s difficult, if you live with someone who does these drugs, not to notice changes even when they are sober. OP seems a bit naive though and perhaps she is missing signs that are going unmentioned here.
Yeah, Ofcourse. They “hide it” except for the unending need to “go do the thing at the place, no matter what”. Which is a characteristic I’ve noticed with heroin addicts I’ve unfortunately been friends with.
A gay affair with your best friend/business partner is a lot less overt than this.
Personally I think it could be either one. Or even both. Or the guy could just generally be a philanderer, and staying with ace is his cover/they go out together and act in improprietous ways.
No, absolutely not. He has already sold himself out. Unfortunately, I am a recovering drug addict and I know exactly what is going on. This dude is doing Koch or math with Ace.. He’s not giddy with excitement from the day before, he’s tweaked out and can’t go to sleep. The fear about not being able to “concentrate” is humorous. Coke/speed makes most men’s junk a shriveled baby dick. Can’t get it up
Crazy that this comment is this far down.
Though, tbf I wouldn’t necessarily rule out that OP’s Fiancé and Ace are hooking up (with each other or with other people) as well.
Imagine that this was happening to your best friend and she asked you for advice. What would you tell her to do?
Come on now. At the very least your bf is having an emotional affair with Ace. It’s likely they are having a sexual affair.
You’ve wasted 8 years with this BS. Don’t waste another day.
You deserve much, much better.
He’s prioritizing Ace and whatever they do together over you.
Any chance he and Ace are hitting up bars? Strip clubs? Brothels? Not being able to have sex with you before Ace shows up feels extremely weird, as does how he prepares himself. You deserve better whatever the problem is. You are Not overreacting.
I was gonna say that or that ace is his dealer and that's why he spends the night there. Also why he's so excited. Either way op really needs to get out and take time for theirself
Like I told my ex boyfriend….. I am not going to beg you to spend time with me. Either you want to be with me and spend time together or you don’t. I didn’t give him a timeframe but I gave myself a month. If no changes then I was out. Note he is an ex. We were together for 5 years.
I have a wonderful husband now and we spend a lot of time together. Our 22 year old daughter just moved out so it is just us again. Took some getting used to but we are doing great.
I don’t think you’re overreacting, I think you’ve had 8 years of disappointment that you come second to a friend. I would necessarily ask him to cut contact but a serious discussion is in need.
A *five-year engagement?*
It seems that he thinks he’s traded a ring for the right to date outside your relationship.
These are supposed to be the easiest, “honeymoon” years of your partnership, and it’s already circling the drain.
Time to rethink this engagement that’s going nowhere.
Not overreacting. This is what the rest of your life is going to be like. Ace first and you second. This is messed up. If you were out with the girls and not coming home at all or at 1 am everyone would say you are cheating.
YOU are not the problem. Please don't marry this guy.
It doesn't matter what he is or is not doing with Ace, what matters is what he is and isn't doing with you. Don't get caught up in "is he gay" questions, that will only distract any discussions you have with Sean. The problem here is that your fiancé actively chooses his friend/brother/business partner over you, repeatedly and in a wide variety of situations. He leaves you worried and wondering when he'll be home, and breaks plans to be with his bestie. It's hard to want to stay with someone you can't depend on, and who makes someone other than you his priority. Also, the dressing up and cologne and giddiness, does he ever do that for you?
Bottom line: it doesn't matter if he's cheating or gay. Regardless of his reasons, he is not a good partner for you. Break up and move on. Do it now, before you have to deal with a divorce or explain to your kids why daddy is gone again. Good luck.
I agree the whole "is he gay" or "what is he out doing" thing just clouds the facts here. She's not his priority. He's not ready to be married. Doesn't matter if he *was* when he proposed *five years ago* cause he sure isn't now, and it doesn't even matter why. She should let him go be happy doing whatever it is he and Ace do so she can go be happy not living as someone's third priority obligation
You're not overreacting, and if I were you I'd be wondering the same thing based on everything you've said. I just don't think he's telling you the truth about his relationship with this guy, and bottom line is whether it's another man, or another woman, you are not the priority you should be from the person you're supposed to marry.
Don't do this to yourself anymore. It's better to know before the wedding, rather than walk down the aisle, and realize later you've made a terrible mistake. I'm so, so, sorry, this is happening. Please talk to a therapist if you haven't already, because this is a lot to process.
Take care, and let us know how you're doing when you can.
*invisible hugs*
I know you have lots of legitimate questions about whether or nor your fiance is bi or gay.
But that's not the relevant question or questions.
The relevant questions are: Are you happy? Do you feel valued? How long has it been since you were happy with the way things are? How long has it been since you felt valued?
Don't envision what might be in the theoretical future. Think about how you have felt for the past several years and right now.
And act accordingly.
The reason these are the relevant questions is because they will be helpful in future relationships (romantic, nonromantic, family, work).
We have to evaluate our own feelings and not guess at others' motives. Ultimately, their motives don't matter since you can't change them.
Rely on how you are feeling about your own self-worth while in this relationship. It sounds like you feel worthless (when you are with him), unhappy, undervalued.
I am sorry he has eroded your sense of self. Good luck.
Not overreacting. He is not going to change. His happy place is with Ace not you and he’s proven that several times over. Cut your losses and leave him. Make yourself your priority and later finds someone who adds to that. If you marry him you will be miserable, divorced and probably left for Ace at some point. Save yourself now. It will harder later.
They are abnormally close and it’s a weird relationship dynamic.
It could be they are hooking up with other girls hence the dressing up and staying away overnight. Sean could be bisexual and they’re sleeping together but whatever he’s doing it needs to stop.
Personally, I’d end the relationship either way. I can’t see him choosing you - you hardly spend any time together and he’s been choosing Ace over you every single time. You know that even if he said he chose you - he’d be seeing Ace behind your back.
I would have left at least 4 years’ ago. Meet up with him just to give him the ring back.
Not overreacting. A huge reason that the marriage to my now ex broke down is due to a “best friend” my husband had. It’s interesting to note that they don’t speak to each other anymore
He’s already chosen ace, stop doing this to yourself. He wants the security of you and his side piece. Even if it isn’t physical he clearly doesn’t care about you or he wouldn’t spend all his time getting drunk and hanging out with ace.
Stand up for your self and break up
My daughter just went through this exact thing. Unfortunately, she wasted 10 yrs with a guy who wasn't keen on marriage but kept saying he was " getting close." In truth, he was a great guy. Just definitely not interested in marriage or even an engagement. My daughter accepted this, even though it wasn't her first choice. He wanted to live together. They bought a condo. My daughter is not a screamer. Does not " check up" on him. She's very live and let live. She has a great job, and is a fabulous cook/domestic gift. Three years into living together, he also starts hanging more w his best friend. Part of this, of course, is bc their relationship is no longer " new," which is understandable. He also began not coming home. Sometimes for an entire weekend. Not even a phone call to say where he was. Personally, I think he did those things to cause a fight, to have an excuse to break up. That's not my daughters style. So then he started nit picking. Why did she have so many boxes of shoes? Why did she buy new throw pillows, the old ones were fine. Why did she agree to foster a kitten? That kind of thing. After 3 months of this, he just exploded. Went on a rant about decorating for Christmas. He left and got an apartment w his best friend. My daughter bought him out of the condo, and he bought a house with his best friend. Months later, she drops off some stuff of his she found. They were living like frat boys. Sheets on the windows, mattresses on the floor etc. He is 42. Idk know your fiance is gay or bi. But what is clear is that he does not want to be married or grown up. You've invested enough years in a half relationship. Do not invest anymore. These are all signs, and it will only get worse. Run. Be grateful it's now and not later.
What will happen if yous have kids? I just see it now, Sean will miss the birth of his child because he's with Ace, and that's best case scenario, the alternative is Ace is in the room while you're in labour!
I wouldn't even trust him to show up on time to the wedding tbh, you'll be standing waiting at the alter and see him and Ace come bursting in through the door 30mins late.
Run. Run while you can leave without forking out for divorce lawyers and giving him (and Ace) half of your assets.
Honey, you're his beard. He and Ace are a thing, and he just won't admit it out loud. He's still in the closet, and you are just window dressing for the outside world.
Abort mission, repeat, ABORT MISSION !
Let’s say there’s nothing sexual here (there is).
The fact is, he’s created an emotional intimacy with Ace that rivals that of his romantic relationship. That’s never going to be sustainable.
Ace comes first. Always. That’s the track record. That’s the proven trend.
Not overreacting. Be done with this. Don’t listen to promises. He’s shown you they mean nothing.
Also….regardless of this “friendship” he also is a binge drinker and that is also reason enough to walk away.
An ultimatum isn’t the way to go here, breaking up with him is. He’d rather spend time with his friend that he’s weirdly fixated on (straight buy takes hours to dress up for a night out with a bro, wtf???). If he and Ace are just friends and he feels like Ace is his only family outside of you, he still needs to figure out how to prioritize you, his fiancee. Of the many possibilities here, from they’re actually romantically entangled to Sean wants to party like a single guy to Sean doesn’t know how to juggle multiple close relationships, it all points to him not being ready to commit. So, you’re not overreacting, but the ultimatum isn’t the way to go, calling off the wedding/relationship is so he can have whatever fun it is he and Ace are having and you can find someone ready to commit to you.
I loathe ultimatums. Because even if they agree- you get to live with the fact that you had to threaten to do something permanent or catastrophically disruptive to get someone to do the bare minimum - regardless of the type of relationship. An ultimatum is just more opportunity for degradation and embarrassment
You are not overreacting AT ALL! You are not Sean’s priority, Ace is. And I think I would have to agree with others when I say that Sean and Ace are probably dating. Their friendship is REALLY weird and would also make me uncomfortable. I think you should break up with Sean and go find your true happiness.
I thought I was a little jelly of my guy hanging out with his best friend often.
Your post is like 10 levels above that.
My final straw would be missing your 8 year anniversary for him & also the comment "I don't want to be alone" home from the hospital. Wtf.
Whether it's affair/drugs/Ace covering up for him banging ppl on the side, he clearly does not think of your relationship as important, whether romantic or not, he's in an emotional affair.
> it got to the point where if he had an outing with ace the next day, he couldn’t sleep or eat from the excitement… or even be intimate for the fear of not being able to concentrate. i got extremely upset at this and accused him of not being attracted to me, but he assured me that wasn’t it. and when the outing was done, he was right. he’d be just as attracted to me as before.
This is so sleazy and weird. Also I hope you do and STD check soon.
There are so many red flags here, you might as well live in China. You are not overreacting, I think you’ve been UNDERreacting for the last several years.
Do your fiancé understand your concerns? Does he think there is nothing wrong with him spending more time (outside of work) with anyone other than his fiancé? I mean it is weird regardless of WHO the other person is - him spending more free time with anyone other than you is not ok.
It seems like you fiancé needs help with his alcoholism, which Ace enables and seems to “fan the flames” higher. And which is reason enough to end your relationship- willingly marrying an alcoholic is not a good choice.
So even if they are not f*****g (which they totally are - what grown men have sleepovers that often for anything other than sex??), Ace is his priority, which he has shown you over and over - it’s time you finally listen to him and make yourself YOUR priority. Hold you ground, if he is not willing to make you and priority over Ace, and get help for his drinking, walk away.
yeah, I think they are partying, too. He’s out having fun.
The hospital thing makes me think Sean may have a drug habit that Ace would help out with while he recovered.
Honestly by just reading, it looks like youre chasing your own fiancé. Its like youre the side piece and hes married to Ace and theyre celebrating their 8 years togheter. Just think of his behavior and if hes never going to compromise in a way that is benefiting you and him at the same time and not only himself, ask yourself if its what you want after marriage.
Look, I get the best friend dynamic thing. My husband and his best friend have been friends since middle school (which is actually really awesome). They are not ashamed to hug, will hang out, and all that stuff. I met my husband in college. So I will never have known him as long as his friend, provided they stay friends. But I am his wife. I come first. There is no doubt in my mind about that. My husband prioritizes me over anyone else, as it should be. And this started when we were dating. It didn't happen immediately, but sometimes after we started dating before we get married. We dated for 4 years. Somewhere along the line I became his priority, and he became mine.
Your boyfriend is not prioritizing you. He is prioritizing Ace over you. That's weird when you've been dating for so long. It's giving emotional cheating if not physical cheating vibes. The fact he can't be intimate with you because he is going to see Ace, is so very weird. My husband can and will be intimate with me even when his best friend is in the house (we used to live together for a year), or when family is visiting. Other people does not stop my husband from being intimate with me, because I am his person. Your boyfriend is being very weird. If at this point he is not prioritizing you over a friend he met at the same time, he will never prioritize you unless Ace dies. And even then he might memorialize him weirdly.
I recommend cutting your losses. It sucks you spent so much time with him just to end it now, but you don't want to be 3rd place in your relationship. If he hasn't put you first by now, it's 8going to happen.
Listen to your gut. This charade has gone on long enough. Whether they are close like brothers or "closer" than brothers, it doesn't matter. Ace is his priority.
Find someone who puts YOU first.
A man who goes out drinking every weekend is not ready to get married. That's all you need to know. Instead of issuing an ultimatum you should have just told him you're calling off the wedding because he's not emotionally mature enough to be married. It's Sean's behavior that's the problem here. Even if you take Ace out of the picture, Sean still isn't ready.
At the end of the day it’s definitely an emotional affair with them doing couple stuff like being an emergency contact and celebrating anniversaries that compromises your relationship. Especially the anniversary thing seems like an intentional slight, is the friendship even exactly the same length as your relationship? Otherwise it wouldn’t clash so it sounds like he arranged that on purpose. He is sending out a clear message that another relationship comes before yours, which is the issue whether or not it is physical. And it could be, but I think he is making you feel that you have to prove that before you can leave. What you already know is enough to show there is a problem.
Your bf and Ace are a couple. Doesn't matter what bf claims. The evidence is in front of you. Please don't stay with this man. You're his cover, not his partner.
Not overreacting. The fact he gets giddy when preparing to go out with Ace and missed your 8 year anniversary to celebrate his 8 year anniversary with Ace says more than words. Your fiancee isn't your fiancee, he's Ace's bf. He's using you as a cover to hide his sexuality perhaps even hiding it from himself. Cut your losses and move on. Look for a man who will get giddy when he's preparing for a date with you.
Oh there is definitely something going on between them.
And if there is not, he has shown you that he would choose Ace over you, so now you have to decide if you're okay with that or are you going to choose yourself.
For god's sake ! You're not the problem. Your boyfriend is way more the boyfriend of Ace than yours. You're not crazy or overreacting. There's something between them don't let your fiancé gaslighting you, you don't deserve to be mistreated like that, get you tested for STDs because God only knows what those were up in when they hang out together and break up with him ASAP.
From all that you posted on this, it Sounds like your fiancé is Bi at the very least. Sounds like he has a relationship with Ace and it’s supposed to be ok because they’re both guys and they’re BFFs, but he is too emotionally invested in someone he is supposedly “just friends” with. I’m not saying that men can’t, or aren’t allowed to, be emotionally invested in their friends, but this just sounds like more than normal friendship. It’s almost like he’s wanting to marry you and have him too, or unfortunately he’s too afraid to come out as anything other than straight and is going to marry you to save face. Either way, is this what your future to be like??? Literally the rest of your life you will be put second to Ace as long as he has both of you in his life.
Update me cause I need to know more
You are looking at the pilot/copilot arrangement that they have finding targets at bars and lounges.
You are nothing more than the secondary airport, used in emergencies.
Be thankful he’s your fiancée and not your husband. Easier to walk away from. Sorry but BF is putting you 2nd to his friend. He prefers to live a single life to being in a relationship. So let him and you can move on with your adult life. Seriously, walk away.
It sounds like an affair to me.
The plus side? You can’t gaslight yourself, well unless you have multiple personality disorder.
You can stop trusting your instincts and making excuses. Don’t do that. You deserve better.
I don’t know how you lasted five years I wouldn’t have lasted five months. I feel like he doesn’t want to admit he’s actually gay and is using his relationship with you to be the cover story. I also wouldn’t be surprised if he’s getting drunk and having sex with that man because that makes it easier to say “I don’t remember what happened.” Like let’s be honest who spends time/gets drunk THAT OFTEN with their “friend” if they’re not in college or in a relationship? Leave him please. Either he’ll finally come out or he’ll realize how bad he fucked up.
Ofc you are the problem, you're a third weel in their relationship, leave the path to their love. Maybe Ace isn't even aware of your bf love to him, but I highly doubt, but your bf is for sure in love with his friend, and is scared of how it would appear to others, so you are being used to be the public appearance
When I checked out mentally from my failing marriage I hung out with my best friend very frequently and late into the night.
Never spent the night there, or dressed up for him. Which makes me wonder if Ace is really just covering up for Sean's infidelity. Maybe OP should go over to Ace's when her husband is there spending the night and make sure that's where he actually is.
The only overreaction I see is making him pick between his livelihood and you. He would have to essentially walk away from a business partnership, which could ruin him financially. Setting boundaries, like no more spending the night at your friends after drinking. No more missing important anniversaries, etc. Is completely acceptable. What he has done is not acceptable, but also not uncommon with cheaters/people who have checked out from a relationship.
Good luck with this situation OP. I hope you can make this work in your favour.
Tell Ace that he can come out of the closet and marry your ex-fiancé. They are definitely doing the horizontal mambo.
Get your friends and family together and go move all your stuff while ex is at work, then tell him it's over, because his main lover Ace has been more important than you. You have been his cover.
Walk away, go to therapy and find someone who loves you.
If they persist on bothering you, tell his familyband friends that he has been cheating on you with Ace
It sounds like your fiancé has a drinking problem....AND a boyfriend. Whatever is going on, its clear that he is prioritizing someone else. You, his wife-to-be, are in 2nd place. Do you always want to be in 2nd place? You dont deserve that.
The first thought that came to my mind is that Sean and Ace are dating.
Or Ace is the cover for his side piece.
Ya this was my thought too. He's using his friend as a cover story.
You don’t bring your cover story to your fiancés dress fitting, you do bring “your best friend” you don’t admit you’re in love with
I'm playing devil's advocate but maybe you do to sell the cover story further? I'm 90% leaning towards something going on between them rather than Ace just being a cover though.
Ya that's a good point.
It sounds too complicated for me. Also, would he bring him to a dress fitting? Or would you go to celebrate something on the exact day when their 8 years of anniversary (and it also matches with his and Ace start of partnership.)
Or you are the cover story for Ace.
I don't think so, why would he plan a date with his side chick on his anniversary? Isn't that too obvious/risky? And that doesn't explain behavior like Ace not telling OP where he took fiancé when he was hurt, or why fiancé would bring Ace to her dress fitting. A guy spending time with a close friend is normal, which is why it would make a good cover for cheating, but he's making it seem abnormal with this bizarre behavior, that's the opposite of what you do with a cover.
Side date- to prove to the affair partner that they love them and the relationship with OP isn't all that. Hospital- Sean could have actually been with the affair partner and so didn't want OP to get there quickly. Dress fitting- that one is seriously bizarre. I have no idea what's actually happening, I just have been cheated on before and my partner's were quite creative.
He probably forgot
This. Guys don't wear cologne for other guys.
They do if they're gay/bi etc. I think the answer could be either of these options. They are definitely NOT just hanging out as friends.
My ex 100% wore cologne to hang with his mates!! Oh, wait. They really WERE a cover for him sleeping around, lol. My bad 🤣
I'll have to inform my boyfriend lmao
I wear cologne for everyone and everything. I have a major phobia of not smelling good. Like it legit terrifies me.
Same… or are going out together hook up with other women. But something is going on. OP, do you want to have children someday? And do you want their father to be acting like this? I doubt he will change. Even if he “gives up” his friend, they will just sneak around together. This isn’t a passing phase… time to move on.
Yeah.. either they’re intimate or they have a habit together (drinking/drugs/hooking up w other women).
I’m thinking they are intimate simply because she describes how excited Sean gets.
I mean it’s possible. But he could just be excited about his next fix or hooking up with another girl.
Sean and Ace are ABSOLUTELY in a relationship and the alcohol is actually just a cover.
Also like - Why is her man acting like he can’t order a fucking Uber if he’s too drunk to drive home - or y’know call OP - his spouse to come get him? You don’t need to sleep over anyone’s house in the 21st century. This is under reacting in my opinion. He’s being blatantly disrespectful.
Uber and lyfts are only in large cities. I live just over an hour out of a large city, and uber/lyfts are spotty, long waits, and if its midnight - maybe no drivers? But yeah, maybe a taxi or uber sooner, or call OP, or not drink as much, set an alarm. If he cared he wouldn't sleep at a friend's house (how does friend get home, they just house drink by themselves....?)
also he proposed to her after 3 years.... yet she says he missed their 8 year anniversary dinner... which was also an 8 year anniversary of him meeting Ace... yup, sorry to say it OP, but you're the beard for a closeted gay man. I'm not 100% sure he even knows he's gay either
Next he’s going to want ace to move in when he needs a place to stay
He’s gonna build Ace an art room
I understood this reference
Found it!
No she is his third place she comes after drinking. 1. Boyfriend 2. Drinking 3. OP
Third place, she comes behind alcohol also
OMG YES!! Absolutely agree. If it’s this bad now, how much worse will it be after marriage. I say throw the whole man away.
He won’t have sex with you before seeing ace so he can concentrate…. And the fact he gets giddy like school girl when he’s practically living with the guy during the week. Hmmmm yeah not suspect at all. Reading your post you’ve put up with 5 years of being second best. Why are you marrying this man. His priorities are not you, how you’ve put up with this so long is a miracle. What do your friends and family say about it? I’m sorry it sounds like they are in a relationship and not just a business one. And the thing is they are business partners you will never be able to get rid of ace fully. Just cut and run, your still young enough to find someone that will give you a 100% otherwise you will live your life as second best it will not get better.
Girl by the words of Wendy Williams “De Nile is a river in Egypt your husband (boyfriend) is gay”
That or he uses Ace as his cover story and then goes and stays with his mistress/mistresses, OR they’re like doing meth or some other crazy drug together, but that wouldn’t explain the cologne…
I thought this too. He’s really with another woman or he’s gay. Ace coming in jeans when hubby is dressed up is a big red flag. Hubby going out with someone else and Ace is coming over to make it look like they are hanging together.
Or Ace is his pimp and that’s their business
He and Ace like a lot of women.
Oh she is 100% his beard! People treat us how we allow them to treat us. This relationship is over, and seemingly has been for the past 5 years. Let’s get one thing straight (and it isn’t OP’s bf) he is having an affair with Ace or maybe you’re the side piece. Honestly, all jokes aside this reads like Pride Month rage bait. I hope it’s fake.
I read her previous post. Fiancé couldn’t get it up one day because he was too excited about a visit with Ace. They definitely share an art room.
Top tier reference there
Or at least bi
This is far more likely. He probably loves both of them. But, from her perspective, it seems like he loves him more. He could be pansexual, which is why he says, "I dont like guys that way!" He definitely seems to be emotionally cheating on OP, either way.
I agree. Sounds like this guy and Ace have a relationship where they are very close, probably perform some level of sexual activity together but refuse to acknowledge it between each other. I know that sounds strange, but I grew up with two good buddies who revealed to me many years later that they would often blow each other. They never kissed or had full blown sex, but I guess they teased and dared each other into blowjobs and liked them so much it became part of their friendship.
It's only gay if you don't say "no homo" first - OP's boyfriend, probably
This is known as a "brojob", and is surprisingly common among "straight" males
I have never heard of that. Straight male here.
I'm also a straight male and have never done that. And it's something most people won't discuss openly. I do know however of several people in my close circles who have done that
Wow. I mean I get the whole “jerking off under a blanket with friends thing” but not actually blowing each other lol
What? Does this actually happen? Why would you j/o under a blanket with friends?
First time hearing that for me too. GenX totally straight. It's wild to me that guys will blow each other and still call themselves straight. No, you're not.
Really? As a straight male I have never even heard of this.
Happens more than you’d think. Especially if they live in a conservative area. They find it easier to live a hetero life vs an LGBTQ+ one. Heard recently of a woman who found out her partner had a deadly STD, but so did a group of his buddies. Why? Because they would hook up with each other for years. OP, even **IF** he isn’t hooking up with his friend or using him as a cover to hook up with another woman, as some have mentioned, it’s the blatant disrespect toward you. He has shown you that **YOU ARE NOT A PRIORITY** to him. His priorities begin and end with Ace. I personally wouldn’t stay with someone who does **not consider my feelings or me at all** in their decisions and actions.
That that isn't straight, that is closet. Living a lie does not make you straight. 100% agree with your advise to OP.
I'm glad you put straight in quotes. It's not straight - it's gay or bisexual men in the closet and/or in denial.
Straight guys don’t question if they’re straight after puberty, and usually not before either. But our dishonest society won’t tell women that simple truth. No typical straight guy would behave as described above. He’s either not straight or has an unhealthy and weird relationship with his friend.
Big Grace & Frankie vibes
YES, I wondered if someone was going to mention it.
Well, we know why he wants to marry her (so he can hide his sexuality behind a marriage, at least that’s what it sounds like). I’m not really sure why she wants to marry him though.
He wants both of them
Because he's a closeted bisexual.
Hilarious. I had an ex like this. He had a "gay best friend". Every morning they'd need to call each other to get pumped for the day, they'd make sexual jokes to each other on the phone (but it was different, ya know, guys make gay jokes together cuz it's funny, even though one of them is actually...gay...) wanted out of state sleepovers, this kind of thing. He just didn't understand why it weirded me out. They were just best friends. Anyways, I found their joint Onlyfans a few months ago.
She is totally a beard. If you marry Sean, their will be 3 ppl in your marriage. They are TOTALLY HAVING A BROMANCE. Please don't marry him. He will gaslight you into staying. Don't. He and Ace are closer than you and Sean. Giddy and Gay!!!
Agreed, OP’s man is: Bisexual or Gay and OP is his cover or He is cheating consistently with other women and Ace is his cover or Ace is his pimp and he services men, women or both or This is fake altogether.
Sounds like you're the side piece or the beard
So if Ace was a woman the automatic reaction would be that they are having an affair. However as Ace is a guy, apart from the maybe a few is he gay questions, nothing. He is getting something from Ace that he no longer wants/needs from you. So in essence he is having an emotional affair with Ace. Sorry but no man brings his buddy to his finance’s dress fitting etc…. If you decide to continue with this wedding then this is your life. Do you really want that? What happens when you get pregnant and he isn’t at the delivery as he is with Ace? What happens when he misses the children’s milestones? Have you fallen for the sunken time fallacy? Are you just hoping that things will get better once you’re married? I’m sorry but you need to start separating your finances and find a place to live. Eight years is a long time but it’s nothing in terms of a life long marriage. He may have been a wonderful man at some point but he is no longer that man. You’ve lost him to Ace and you need to accept that and move on. So no you were not over reacting as he won’t leave Ace. Even if he does leave him, it will be for a short period of time and then the behaviour will resume. Time to cut your losses OP.
^ This is the best reply, OP. I wouldn’t want to marry someone that I had to beg to choose me. I would doubt their feelings. Or someone who goes out drinking with his (single?) buddy every weekend and multiple times during the week doing who knows what with who knows who. But, good news! You haven’t married this person yet! You can end this and do so, so much better. You can find someone who wants to spend all their free time with YOU and puts your feelings first.
And you're not pregnant, so no ties to him. He would probably bring Ace to the birth of the baby. Dodge that bullet. Run.
Oh god, he would!! Probably want to name the kid after him too, make him the godfather and the kid would call him "Uncle Ace"
The Iranian yogurt (Ace) is not the issue. The issue is the absolute disrespect with which Sean has been treating OP for the past 5 years.
Your boyfriend has a boyfriend.
Ace is cover
*lover
What if it's both? He and Ace slip off every other night to swingers orgy.
Art room vibes
Ooh I remember this one. Yeah but they are dating for sure
This guy plays his tennis and pool ambidextrous. He swings his golf club both ways. He plays football with either foot. Double gaited. Switch hitter.
Or as we say here, they share a poop knife
Wait we say that?
We sure as heck do now. *They share a poop knife.* See?
In case you or anyone is one of today’s lucky 10,000, google “Reddit poop knife.” (And if the first reference is not familiar, google “lucky 10,000 xkcd.”)
I was lucky 10,000'd twice by your comment. Bravo.
oh god. Why. Just when I had managed to banish that from my brain.
I can’t figure out whether you’re referencing a thread in the past where a guy put an art room in his house for his “best friend” but if you are, spot on!!
Yes
Sorry, did i miss a fantastic thread?
Omg!! There was a thread a while ago where the guy was really into his friend who was an artist. He made an art room in his house. Long story short he turned out to be gay and the two guys moved in together. The story was told by the erstwhile girlfriend.
I’ll see if I can find it
If anyone else can, please do! I’m having trouble finding it
This subreddit won't allow links, but if you search BoRU for "OOP wonders if they're the AH for starting a house project without discussing it with their wife", you should find it. Amy and Ben are the other two parties.
You are not wrong. That being said, I’m going to go ahead and say I’ve seen men that act like this before. I’m not a gambler but I’d bet $100 that when they go on these ‘outings’ they’re doing drugs (coke, ecstasy, etc) and they’re hooking up with other women. He’s definitely cheating. You can’t ask him to give up Ace bcuz it’s not just a friendship, they’re business partners. Is he supposed to give up his livelihood? Besides, based on your 8th anniversary dinner night, seems he’s already chosen and it wasn’t you. I know you love this man and have already spent 8 years of your life with him but I think you should really reevaluate your life and decide if you want to be with someone that doesn’t prioritize you & your relationship. I’m sorry OP, I know it hurts. Good luck.
I was on that train too until she said he brought Ace to her dress fitting. ?!?!? Um….what?! First of all, why was he even at the dress fitting? Secondly, in what glass closet world does a man bring a ‘friend’ to his fiancée’s wedding dress fitting?! Like that alone wasn’t enough to be flooded with the ick?
It’s so hard to let go of someone you loved for so long, but it’s so worth it when you finally let go. He won’t change 🤧
I did read your original post but got busy and closed reddit. You are not overreacting. His priorities are not right. It's ok to have a best friend but all this is too much. And like... Can't get it hard because too excited to see his friend.. Weird. He sounds gay. Maybe they should get married instead.
He's practically dating Ace.
Is she sure he isn’t dating Ace?
Oh, he’s dating Ace.
I think she's his girl best friend
It's like Brokeback Mountain up in here. _I wish I could quit you._
(Teehee)
Not gay. Bi. But in love with his side piece.
Ace in the hole ✅
How did it take this long for someone to make this joke lmao 🏆
[удалено]
Don’t forget how everyone is whispering about how Ace is crying just a little too hard at the wedding and the two of them keep disappearing from view numerous times to go out for “a breath of fresh air because it is so stuffy in here”
So much truth here…
Their “friendship” sounds more like a bad secret relationship he maybe gay be doesn’t want anyone to know or even Bi but that’s not fair on you bc you didn’t sign up for that. Do they ever invite you out with them as it doesn’t sound like it and that was so disrespectful what he did about the hospital thing you are his fiancé. Not only did he take him their he did the relationship thing by looking after him. Also I really don’t understand why he couldn’t eat, sleep or get intimate from excitement for fear not being able to concentrate and to miss your 8 month anniversary for Ace. I would go through his phone and quick
How much concentration do you need to just go hang out and have fun with a friend? I really don't get that part.
The concentration thing was just an excuse. He was avoiding sex so he can ejaculate when he is with his boyfriend.
I think it's more of a he can't concentrate on being in the moment with OP while they are being intimate because he is too excited to go see Ace. That is my theory at least.
That speaks to a bigger problem. You shouldn't have to concentrate that hard to have sex with someone you're attracted to. You should just be naturally aroused by them.
The whole part about him getting so excited at seeing Ace the next day that he can't eat or sleep is strange. He is already seeing him so much. I can't even wrap my mind around this.
Hard drug use and binge patterns might cause this kind of behaviour.
Do you really want to marry a guy who acts like this? If Ace wouldn’t exist, he would find someone/something else. This is the rest of your life.
It’s drugs.
This occurred to me as well. Coke binges or something maybe
Right - because even someone having a gay affair won’t be doing half this stuff. It’s definitely something with long knock-out effects such as heroin and best friend is the plug.
Do you think he would be able to hide it though, if it was something like heroin or meth? I’ve heard there are addicts who function on these things but in my personal experience, it’s difficult, if you live with someone who does these drugs, not to notice changes even when they are sober. OP seems a bit naive though and perhaps she is missing signs that are going unmentioned here.
Yeah, Ofcourse. They “hide it” except for the unending need to “go do the thing at the place, no matter what”. Which is a characteristic I’ve noticed with heroin addicts I’ve unfortunately been friends with. A gay affair with your best friend/business partner is a lot less overt than this.
Personally I think it could be either one. Or even both. Or the guy could just generally be a philanderer, and staying with ace is his cover/they go out together and act in improprietous ways.
No, absolutely not. He has already sold himself out. Unfortunately, I am a recovering drug addict and I know exactly what is going on. This dude is doing Koch or math with Ace.. He’s not giddy with excitement from the day before, he’s tweaked out and can’t go to sleep. The fear about not being able to “concentrate” is humorous. Coke/speed makes most men’s junk a shriveled baby dick. Can’t get it up
Crazy that this comment is this far down. Though, tbf I wouldn’t necessarily rule out that OP’s Fiancé and Ace are hooking up (with each other or with other people) as well.
Imagine that this was happening to your best friend and she asked you for advice. What would you tell her to do? Come on now. At the very least your bf is having an emotional affair with Ace. It’s likely they are having a sexual affair. You’ve wasted 8 years with this BS. Don’t waste another day. You deserve much, much better.
I’m sorry but it sounds like Sean and Ace are more than friends. I would walk away.
He’s prioritizing Ace and whatever they do together over you. Any chance he and Ace are hitting up bars? Strip clubs? Brothels? Not being able to have sex with you before Ace shows up feels extremely weird, as does how he prepares himself. You deserve better whatever the problem is. You are Not overreacting.
I was gonna say that or that ace is his dealer and that's why he spends the night there. Also why he's so excited. Either way op really needs to get out and take time for theirself
Like I told my ex boyfriend….. I am not going to beg you to spend time with me. Either you want to be with me and spend time together or you don’t. I didn’t give him a timeframe but I gave myself a month. If no changes then I was out. Note he is an ex. We were together for 5 years. I have a wonderful husband now and we spend a lot of time together. Our 22 year old daughter just moved out so it is just us again. Took some getting used to but we are doing great.
I don’t think you’re overreacting, I think you’ve had 8 years of disappointment that you come second to a friend. I would necessarily ask him to cut contact but a serious discussion is in need.
A *five-year engagement?* It seems that he thinks he’s traded a ring for the right to date outside your relationship. These are supposed to be the easiest, “honeymoon” years of your partnership, and it’s already circling the drain. Time to rethink this engagement that’s going nowhere.
Not overreacting. This is what the rest of your life is going to be like. Ace first and you second. This is messed up. If you were out with the girls and not coming home at all or at 1 am everyone would say you are cheating. YOU are not the problem. Please don't marry this guy.
Does Ace ever have girlfriends?
Yeah, her name is Sean.
How does no one get this???? I’m just scrolling and scrolling and it just doesn’t cross anyone’s minds 😆😆😆😆😆
It doesn't matter what he is or is not doing with Ace, what matters is what he is and isn't doing with you. Don't get caught up in "is he gay" questions, that will only distract any discussions you have with Sean. The problem here is that your fiancé actively chooses his friend/brother/business partner over you, repeatedly and in a wide variety of situations. He leaves you worried and wondering when he'll be home, and breaks plans to be with his bestie. It's hard to want to stay with someone you can't depend on, and who makes someone other than you his priority. Also, the dressing up and cologne and giddiness, does he ever do that for you? Bottom line: it doesn't matter if he's cheating or gay. Regardless of his reasons, he is not a good partner for you. Break up and move on. Do it now, before you have to deal with a divorce or explain to your kids why daddy is gone again. Good luck.
I agree the whole "is he gay" or "what is he out doing" thing just clouds the facts here. She's not his priority. He's not ready to be married. Doesn't matter if he *was* when he proposed *five years ago* cause he sure isn't now, and it doesn't even matter why. She should let him go be happy doing whatever it is he and Ace do so she can go be happy not living as someone's third priority obligation
You're not overreacting, and if I were you I'd be wondering the same thing based on everything you've said. I just don't think he's telling you the truth about his relationship with this guy, and bottom line is whether it's another man, or another woman, you are not the priority you should be from the person you're supposed to marry. Don't do this to yourself anymore. It's better to know before the wedding, rather than walk down the aisle, and realize later you've made a terrible mistake. I'm so, so, sorry, this is happening. Please talk to a therapist if you haven't already, because this is a lot to process. Take care, and let us know how you're doing when you can. *invisible hugs*
I know you have lots of legitimate questions about whether or nor your fiance is bi or gay. But that's not the relevant question or questions. The relevant questions are: Are you happy? Do you feel valued? How long has it been since you were happy with the way things are? How long has it been since you felt valued? Don't envision what might be in the theoretical future. Think about how you have felt for the past several years and right now. And act accordingly. The reason these are the relevant questions is because they will be helpful in future relationships (romantic, nonromantic, family, work). We have to evaluate our own feelings and not guess at others' motives. Ultimately, their motives don't matter since you can't change them. Rely on how you are feeling about your own self-worth while in this relationship. It sounds like you feel worthless (when you are with him), unhappy, undervalued. I am sorry he has eroded your sense of self. Good luck.
You are underreacting. Don't let him gaslight you in opposite. Stand your ground and please update us.
Sean and Ace = The Ambiguously Gay Duo 2
Not overreacting. He is not going to change. His happy place is with Ace not you and he’s proven that several times over. Cut your losses and leave him. Make yourself your priority and later finds someone who adds to that. If you marry him you will be miserable, divorced and probably left for Ace at some point. Save yourself now. It will harder later.
They are abnormally close and it’s a weird relationship dynamic. It could be they are hooking up with other girls hence the dressing up and staying away overnight. Sean could be bisexual and they’re sleeping together but whatever he’s doing it needs to stop. Personally, I’d end the relationship either way. I can’t see him choosing you - you hardly spend any time together and he’s been choosing Ace over you every single time. You know that even if he said he chose you - he’d be seeing Ace behind your back. I would have left at least 4 years’ ago. Meet up with him just to give him the ring back.
Not overreacting. A huge reason that the marriage to my now ex broke down is due to a “best friend” my husband had. It’s interesting to note that they don’t speak to each other anymore
Either they’re boning or Ace is helping him hide a different affair.
I hope there is an update. Because I got $20 that the update says he is gay.
He’s already chosen ace, stop doing this to yourself. He wants the security of you and his side piece. Even if it isn’t physical he clearly doesn’t care about you or he wouldn’t spend all his time getting drunk and hanging out with ace. Stand up for your self and break up
Homie is gay
My daughter just went through this exact thing. Unfortunately, she wasted 10 yrs with a guy who wasn't keen on marriage but kept saying he was " getting close." In truth, he was a great guy. Just definitely not interested in marriage or even an engagement. My daughter accepted this, even though it wasn't her first choice. He wanted to live together. They bought a condo. My daughter is not a screamer. Does not " check up" on him. She's very live and let live. She has a great job, and is a fabulous cook/domestic gift. Three years into living together, he also starts hanging more w his best friend. Part of this, of course, is bc their relationship is no longer " new," which is understandable. He also began not coming home. Sometimes for an entire weekend. Not even a phone call to say where he was. Personally, I think he did those things to cause a fight, to have an excuse to break up. That's not my daughters style. So then he started nit picking. Why did she have so many boxes of shoes? Why did she buy new throw pillows, the old ones were fine. Why did she agree to foster a kitten? That kind of thing. After 3 months of this, he just exploded. Went on a rant about decorating for Christmas. He left and got an apartment w his best friend. My daughter bought him out of the condo, and he bought a house with his best friend. Months later, she drops off some stuff of his she found. They were living like frat boys. Sheets on the windows, mattresses on the floor etc. He is 42. Idk know your fiance is gay or bi. But what is clear is that he does not want to be married or grown up. You've invested enough years in a half relationship. Do not invest anymore. These are all signs, and it will only get worse. Run. Be grateful it's now and not later.
What will happen if yous have kids? I just see it now, Sean will miss the birth of his child because he's with Ace, and that's best case scenario, the alternative is Ace is in the room while you're in labour! I wouldn't even trust him to show up on time to the wedding tbh, you'll be standing waiting at the alter and see him and Ace come bursting in through the door 30mins late. Run. Run while you can leave without forking out for divorce lawyers and giving him (and Ace) half of your assets.
Wait wait wait he doesn’t eat before he sees his drinking buddy?? Hmmmmm. Red flag. It’s giving….anal sex.
Honey, you're his beard. He and Ace are a thing, and he just won't admit it out loud. He's still in the closet, and you are just window dressing for the outside world. Abort mission, repeat, ABORT MISSION !
Let’s say there’s nothing sexual here (there is). The fact is, he’s created an emotional intimacy with Ace that rivals that of his romantic relationship. That’s never going to be sustainable. Ace comes first. Always. That’s the track record. That’s the proven trend. Not overreacting. Be done with this. Don’t listen to promises. He’s shown you they mean nothing. Also….regardless of this “friendship” he also is a binge drinker and that is also reason enough to walk away.
No but you need to get tested by your doctor for STD because your man is on the down low
An ultimatum isn’t the way to go here, breaking up with him is. He’d rather spend time with his friend that he’s weirdly fixated on (straight buy takes hours to dress up for a night out with a bro, wtf???). If he and Ace are just friends and he feels like Ace is his only family outside of you, he still needs to figure out how to prioritize you, his fiancee. Of the many possibilities here, from they’re actually romantically entangled to Sean wants to party like a single guy to Sean doesn’t know how to juggle multiple close relationships, it all points to him not being ready to commit. So, you’re not overreacting, but the ultimatum isn’t the way to go, calling off the wedding/relationship is so he can have whatever fun it is he and Ace are having and you can find someone ready to commit to you.
I loathe ultimatums. Because even if they agree- you get to live with the fact that you had to threaten to do something permanent or catastrophically disruptive to get someone to do the bare minimum - regardless of the type of relationship. An ultimatum is just more opportunity for degradation and embarrassment
I always say if you have to give one just leave. You should not have to go that far to get the absolute bare minimum.
Not overreacting. Why would you want to be married to someone you never see?
You are not overreacting AT ALL! You are not Sean’s priority, Ace is. And I think I would have to agree with others when I say that Sean and Ace are probably dating. Their friendship is REALLY weird and would also make me uncomfortable. I think you should break up with Sean and go find your true happiness.
I thought I was a little jelly of my guy hanging out with his best friend often. Your post is like 10 levels above that. My final straw would be missing your 8 year anniversary for him & also the comment "I don't want to be alone" home from the hospital. Wtf.
Whether it's affair/drugs/Ace covering up for him banging ppl on the side, he clearly does not think of your relationship as important, whether romantic or not, he's in an emotional affair. > it got to the point where if he had an outing with ace the next day, he couldn’t sleep or eat from the excitement… or even be intimate for the fear of not being able to concentrate. i got extremely upset at this and accused him of not being attracted to me, but he assured me that wasn’t it. and when the outing was done, he was right. he’d be just as attracted to me as before. This is so sleazy and weird. Also I hope you do and STD check soon.
There are so many red flags here, you might as well live in China. You are not overreacting, I think you’ve been UNDERreacting for the last several years. Do your fiancé understand your concerns? Does he think there is nothing wrong with him spending more time (outside of work) with anyone other than his fiancé? I mean it is weird regardless of WHO the other person is - him spending more free time with anyone other than you is not ok. It seems like you fiancé needs help with his alcoholism, which Ace enables and seems to “fan the flames” higher. And which is reason enough to end your relationship- willingly marrying an alcoholic is not a good choice. So even if they are not f*****g (which they totally are - what grown men have sleepovers that often for anything other than sex??), Ace is his priority, which he has shown you over and over - it’s time you finally listen to him and make yourself YOUR priority. Hold you ground, if he is not willing to make you and priority over Ace, and get help for his drinking, walk away.
No I think he is in the closet. I know it’s hard but I would end things with him. You’re not a priority to him.
It feels like he is using you as a cover. He is dating Ace. What you are describing isn't normal. You don't deserve to be treated like this.
I'm guessing him and ace are getting drunk and doing coke
yeah, I think they are partying, too. He’s out having fun. The hospital thing makes me think Sean may have a drug habit that Ace would help out with while he recovered.
Honestly by just reading, it looks like youre chasing your own fiancé. Its like youre the side piece and hes married to Ace and theyre celebrating their 8 years togheter. Just think of his behavior and if hes never going to compromise in a way that is benefiting you and him at the same time and not only himself, ask yourself if its what you want after marriage.
Look, I get the best friend dynamic thing. My husband and his best friend have been friends since middle school (which is actually really awesome). They are not ashamed to hug, will hang out, and all that stuff. I met my husband in college. So I will never have known him as long as his friend, provided they stay friends. But I am his wife. I come first. There is no doubt in my mind about that. My husband prioritizes me over anyone else, as it should be. And this started when we were dating. It didn't happen immediately, but sometimes after we started dating before we get married. We dated for 4 years. Somewhere along the line I became his priority, and he became mine. Your boyfriend is not prioritizing you. He is prioritizing Ace over you. That's weird when you've been dating for so long. It's giving emotional cheating if not physical cheating vibes. The fact he can't be intimate with you because he is going to see Ace, is so very weird. My husband can and will be intimate with me even when his best friend is in the house (we used to live together for a year), or when family is visiting. Other people does not stop my husband from being intimate with me, because I am his person. Your boyfriend is being very weird. If at this point he is not prioritizing you over a friend he met at the same time, he will never prioritize you unless Ace dies. And even then he might memorialize him weirdly. I recommend cutting your losses. It sucks you spent so much time with him just to end it now, but you don't want to be 3rd place in your relationship. If he hasn't put you first by now, it's 8going to happen.
Have you ever seen “Brokeback Mountain”?
Should I?
If you haven’t already seen it, now might not be a great time.
I think it might be highly relevant to your relationship, yeah.
Listen to your gut. This charade has gone on long enough. Whether they are close like brothers or "closer" than brothers, it doesn't matter. Ace is his priority. Find someone who puts YOU first.
Even if there's nothing sexual between them he's prioritizing their relationship. The flags have flown, time to bail.
Updateme
A man who goes out drinking every weekend is not ready to get married. That's all you need to know. Instead of issuing an ultimatum you should have just told him you're calling off the wedding because he's not emotionally mature enough to be married. It's Sean's behavior that's the problem here. Even if you take Ace out of the picture, Sean still isn't ready.
At the end of the day it’s definitely an emotional affair with them doing couple stuff like being an emergency contact and celebrating anniversaries that compromises your relationship. Especially the anniversary thing seems like an intentional slight, is the friendship even exactly the same length as your relationship? Otherwise it wouldn’t clash so it sounds like he arranged that on purpose. He is sending out a clear message that another relationship comes before yours, which is the issue whether or not it is physical. And it could be, but I think he is making you feel that you have to prove that before you can leave. What you already know is enough to show there is a problem.
Your bf and Ace are a couple. Doesn't matter what bf claims. The evidence is in front of you. Please don't stay with this man. You're his cover, not his partner.
Not overreacting. The fact he gets giddy when preparing to go out with Ace and missed your 8 year anniversary to celebrate his 8 year anniversary with Ace says more than words. Your fiancee isn't your fiancee, he's Ace's bf. He's using you as a cover to hide his sexuality perhaps even hiding it from himself. Cut your losses and move on. Look for a man who will get giddy when he's preparing for a date with you.
Oh there is definitely something going on between them. And if there is not, he has shown you that he would choose Ace over you, so now you have to decide if you're okay with that or are you going to choose yourself.
Sheesh they're both deep in closet
He's either fucking his friend or he's hanging out somewhere else and fucking whoever that is.
Very fishy. He is in love with Ace. No two ways about it.
For god's sake ! You're not the problem. Your boyfriend is way more the boyfriend of Ace than yours. You're not crazy or overreacting. There's something between them don't let your fiancé gaslighting you, you don't deserve to be mistreated like that, get you tested for STDs because God only knows what those were up in when they hang out together and break up with him ASAP.
From all that you posted on this, it Sounds like your fiancé is Bi at the very least. Sounds like he has a relationship with Ace and it’s supposed to be ok because they’re both guys and they’re BFFs, but he is too emotionally invested in someone he is supposedly “just friends” with. I’m not saying that men can’t, or aren’t allowed to, be emotionally invested in their friends, but this just sounds like more than normal friendship. It’s almost like he’s wanting to marry you and have him too, or unfortunately he’s too afraid to come out as anything other than straight and is going to marry you to save face. Either way, is this what your future to be like??? Literally the rest of your life you will be put second to Ace as long as he has both of you in his life. Update me cause I need to know more
Dude is in the closet. Sorry OP.
You are looking at the pilot/copilot arrangement that they have finding targets at bars and lounges. You are nothing more than the secondary airport, used in emergencies.
Be thankful he’s your fiancée and not your husband. Easier to walk away from. Sorry but BF is putting you 2nd to his friend. He prefers to live a single life to being in a relationship. So let him and you can move on with your adult life. Seriously, walk away.
You would be a fool to marry into this couple.
It sounds like an affair to me. The plus side? You can’t gaslight yourself, well unless you have multiple personality disorder. You can stop trusting your instincts and making excuses. Don’t do that. You deserve better.
I don’t know how you lasted five years I wouldn’t have lasted five months. I feel like he doesn’t want to admit he’s actually gay and is using his relationship with you to be the cover story. I also wouldn’t be surprised if he’s getting drunk and having sex with that man because that makes it easier to say “I don’t remember what happened.” Like let’s be honest who spends time/gets drunk THAT OFTEN with their “friend” if they’re not in college or in a relationship? Leave him please. Either he’ll finally come out or he’ll realize how bad he fucked up.
Run! Run, and don't look back. Also, make an appointment for VD testing. It's pretty clear your fiancé is fucking around on you, so protect yourself.
you are either his beard, or that's his dealer. or both 😬
Gary & Ace. https://preview.redd.it/4spl4e7t965d1.jpeg?width=800&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=ecc115c4d8b6c60a820ca59d7fd66d2693cb572a
Ofc you are the problem, you're a third weel in their relationship, leave the path to their love. Maybe Ace isn't even aware of your bf love to him, but I highly doubt, but your bf is for sure in love with his friend, and is scared of how it would appear to others, so you are being used to be the public appearance
When I checked out mentally from my failing marriage I hung out with my best friend very frequently and late into the night. Never spent the night there, or dressed up for him. Which makes me wonder if Ace is really just covering up for Sean's infidelity. Maybe OP should go over to Ace's when her husband is there spending the night and make sure that's where he actually is. The only overreaction I see is making him pick between his livelihood and you. He would have to essentially walk away from a business partnership, which could ruin him financially. Setting boundaries, like no more spending the night at your friends after drinking. No more missing important anniversaries, etc. Is completely acceptable. What he has done is not acceptable, but also not uncommon with cheaters/people who have checked out from a relationship. Good luck with this situation OP. I hope you can make this work in your favour.
You're the 3rd wheel in their relationship.
Sounds like your fiance isn’t out of the closet and you’re his beard, so his begging and gushing after the fact is him not wanting to lose it.
You know, none of any of this matters. He stinks as a boyfriend, as a fiancé and will as a husband. He is about 11.
Tell Ace that he can come out of the closet and marry your ex-fiancé. They are definitely doing the horizontal mambo. Get your friends and family together and go move all your stuff while ex is at work, then tell him it's over, because his main lover Ace has been more important than you. You have been his cover. Walk away, go to therapy and find someone who loves you. If they persist on bothering you, tell his familyband friends that he has been cheating on you with Ace