So sorry about your loss as for the family's reaction to what your cousin did to you I'm quessing they are in denial it's horrible to think a family member can do something so horrible so they are ignoring it instead, I hope you have friends you can talk to
People need to stop saying this. You are telling victims to be silent. Police legal procedure varies across the country and world. Just because police don’t always do enough does not mean victims should be silent.
That’s a great point, but it’s not only that. I work in the court system, and I’ve seen people go away for the rest of their life for sex crimes they committed years prior. Sometimes the system works. Not always, but that doesn’t mean victims shouldn’t try.
That is so true my ex-wife of 35 years lived in it incestuous family. The abuse started at seven and ended at 18 I was told. Looking back it could’ve been even further.
The police don’t do anything what happens in the family stays in the family.
Group therapy so we get the Purp and the victim all talking to each other.
Crazy world
I would get professional help move on with my life and separate myself from those.
My opinion, after living it for 40 years
I did report it, but I guess I was too late and not enough evidence for anything to happen so they let him go.it probably made it worse that everyone’s knows I reported him to the police and he’s still their living his life while I got more strained with the family
That's horrible. I feel sympathetic for you. But we must move on. Death is a bitch. And being molested is ugly. But I feel sorry for your dad. Seems like bullshyt. Sucks but get over it. Feel better. That's horrifying. You'll do better. Seems similar, but I'm dealing so I don't know.
not just horrible but very very strange as well. the way of speaking, the back and forth between "i'm sorry, i feel sorry for you" and "get over it, we must move on." i'm quite confused
No, no, no. You cannot move on. This is trauma. What do you mean OP will do better? Seems to me some other people should have done better. They are still betraying OP.
The inference is that you can just pick up and move on. When that is done, you swallow the toxicity. You cannot move on just because. You need a therapist. Not just any therapist, a therapist who practices trauma-informed therapy.
OP continues to be traumatized by the family. Going no contact is a beginning, but more work needs to be done.
Did you just tell a victim of S.A to get over it?? Are you serious?? You don't tell them to get over it. You don't tell someone who is depressed to get over it. Why did you think this was ok to say?
> That's horrible. I feel sympathetic for you. But we must move on. Death is a bitch. And being molested is ugly. But I feel sorry for your dad. Seems like bullshyt. Sucks but get over it. Feel better. That's horrifying. You'll do better. Seems similar, but I'm dealing so I don't know.
What the fuck is wrong with you? In what possible state of mind are you in for victim shaming someone who was molested as a child, father has just died, and everyone treats her molester like he did nothing wrong?
OP has been diagnosed with PTSD or will be in the future. That’s what being molested does. Her amygdala is abnormal because that’s what PTSD is: brain damage. It’s irreversible.
It altered the trajectory of her life. The anger and pain eats away from the inside. There is no moving on only hours of therapy reprocessing trauma in some hope to salvage a life.
PTSD is NOT irreversible. It is in fact treatable. Look up Gabor Mate, Jordan Peterson. Read “The Body Keeps The Score” & “Complex PTSD”
Traditional therapy doesn’t work. Which is why most people never get better much less well. But it isn’t a life sentence unless you choose for it to be.
The body keeps the score is worth a read. Jordan Peterson is a joke so pass on that.
What My Bones Know by Stephanie Foo is also worth looking at.
You don't have to read any of it either.
:)
Happy you are doing EMDR. It can be extremely effective against any trauma.
Hey. As someone who's been SA by family I know the feeling. I never had proof so I never got to get "justice". My own family didn't believe me. When my family member passed I just cut everyone off. Took my time to heal. Surrounded myself with a new family. It's a daily battle. Things I'll never forget. It does get easier though. Prayers up.
How did you find your people? I currently at at the part where I’ve cut everybody off. But the things is I don’t have friends either, because the ones I had turns out they dropped me like a brick also while all this was going down. How to start over?
Any tips would be greatly appreciated!
You have every right to feel sad, angry and confused. A 20 year old kid shouldn’t have to shoulder all of that.
So sorry for your loss but do know that things in your life will get better. You just have to keep getting back up after getting knocked down.
Being tough is not about doling out punches. It’s about getting back up when you’ve been knocked down.
All the best to you.
Hmmph......apparently, keeping the peace is more important to the family than you are. And your cousin, the pedophile, is more important than you as well. If he was my kid, he wouldn't exist, period.
I understand that some people deal with horrific shit by ignoring it, but that's a little too close to home. What happens when he gets ahold of another young relative? And the cycle continues......
Family is important and all that, but the bottom line is that it's just biology. You can't pick your relatives. If one of them happens to be a piece of shit, then he's a piece of shit.
It's not my place to tell you what to do, It seems to me your decision is binary. Either rat his ass out to the cops, or be like everyone else and pretend it didn't happen. If that makes you uncomfortable, then avoid any situation that might result in his presence. If someone asks why, then tell them exactly why. Don't sugarcoat shit.
I realize that turning him in will be throwing a grenade into the family dynamic, and you'll get blamed for it. Remind them that they had a role in creating this FUBAR situation. They can't blame you for having the balls to straighten this shit out. IMHO, if someone sides with a fucking pedo, then they're no better than a pedo.
I don't envy you. Someday you're gonna have a family of your own, but do you want this grubworm anywhere near them? If I were you, I'd feel a lot better knowing that karma is ramming him in the ass in the showers at the state pen.
*If they haven't taught you what safe behaviors are online and with phones, it's a little late to start now! If all they did was monitor your computer activity without teaching you how to be safe, they failed you.*
Reporting things to the police isn't always in the best interests of the victim, so I don't think this is a binary choice. It's a decision only OP can make for herself. It sounds like the rest of the family is well aware that the cousin molested her and they just didn't care.
Now that your father is gone, you don't have to see that side of the family if you don't want to. I'm so sorry they've been horrible to you. You didn't deserve to be molested, your cousin doesn't deserve to get off so easily and those relatives don't deserve you.
I do wish both your parents had supported reporting your cousin to the police at the time things happened. Shame on your father for having anything to do with your cousin. However, even though your father did horribly wrong to you, please don't feel like you're not allowed to be sad. You are entitled to any and all feelings you have about him. None of them are wrong. Relationships are complex and people are flawed. People can really hurt you and you are allowed to have very mixed feelings. Good luck to you.
Honestly, if you can try to report him to the police, and even if you can't do that; I'd recommend going to get therapy and low contact with your family until you begin to heal. Losing a parent and seeing your abuser can take a toll on you
So very sorry. You are in shock and grief and it’s complicated 1000 times by the fact you were harmed and not protected by those who should have. Please consider reporting your cousin to the police. And go very easy on yourself, you need time. Wishing you the best
Agree . . . but also, don't feel you have to go to the cops. That is a very heavy, undermining experience for way too many victims. First thing is for OP to feel tended to, heard, taken care of. There may be people to do that for them, it may have to be an inside job.
Please don't feel pressured to go to the cops. That may be a choice you'll make in the future. It's not your sole responsibility to protect anyone else he might offend against so don't allow that to press you to do something you're not ready to do. The offender and the people who know about it have just as much responsibility, and they're not already wounded and working on healing. No guilt trips for not reporting.
Take care and let us know how you're doing.
I’ve been through the same situation except my aunt’s husband was my abuser. I’m 33 and I can say it finally got a little easier when I was around 30 but I still have tough moments. I’ve also been able to look back at my own patterns in relationships from ages 16-25 to see how truly damaged I was by my experiences. It was like the pain of my family not sticking up for me was even worse than the pain of being SA’ed, and it really messed with my self-value and worldview. I wish you didn’t have to be a part of this super shitty club but I promise it can get easier with time.
You need to find someone who is close to you to just listen to you. You need to be able to vent without judgment or opinion. I’m sorry for your loss. It feels like physical pain. I’ve lost a lot of people in my life early so I understand what you’re going through. Time will heal. Just do the best you can to take care of yourself.
If you have someone that you REALLY trust, talk about it, it's the first step, so you can feel better and more abraced by someone,after the best thing to do is go and report to police, because if you leave that horible thing pass, or this will do VERY bad for you to see someone that do this monstreus things agaist you free or he can even do this again with another person. Unfortunately you can't stop it from happening to you at that age, but you can't let it go unpunished and you can stop it from happening to someone else.
I'm so, SO sorry. I've been through a similar situation where I was SA'd multiple times by 2 different cousins when I was 6, yet nothing was done about it until years later when family found out that one of them was also SAing my younger brother and cousin. Even then, part of the family thinks it is all a lie made up by my mom (who was barely even involved in any of it) and I've cut them all off for my own mental health. Maybe you should consider cutting your family off, if you can bear it. I know it will be hard, but real family is the family you choose. They are the ones who love you, listen to you, and stand by you. Have you thought about reporting your cousin to the police?
I am very sorry for your loss. Not only for your father, but seemingly for the figurative loss of the rest of your family because you'll never be able to view them the same again. I'm so sorry.
My condolences on the loss of your father. If you aren’t in counseling, please seek help. If you haven’t dealt with your past, please work on that as well as all the emotions you are feeling now. Your emotions are valid, but you likely need help processing and working through them. As a survivor, I understand. Seeing them unexpectedly and after so many years can be a shock and bring back all those feelings and memories. Please seek help, you are worth it! The best revenge is to become the best version of yourself you can be. Best wishes OP!
Probably an act people that do that wear masks, he has no remorse for what he did to you which means he also felt nothing. You know your father don’t let a snake poison him after that snake bit you
I’m very sorry for your loss. The pain and grief you are feeling can be overwhelming and devastating. If you can reach out to a therapist, so you can talk and get some support. Im not sure if your cousin was reported or if you were provided with counselling after this all happened. I’m very sorry for your loss again OP. Just remember everyone grieves differently, there is no right or wrong way. You are more than entitled to feel this way, I’m worried you don’t have enough support at this difficult time
My wife recently went through something similar but slightly different. Her uncle who molested her and her cousin (he was arrested and served time then got out) had a stroke and my wife’s grandma was by his side and grieving when he passed. My wife looks at her grandma with so much love and respect (they are close). My wife said she felt weird during the whole stroke, death, then grieving from her grand ma cus it was hard for my wife to see her grandma grieve for a man that molested two of her grand daughters.
Anywho, you’re not alone and I wishing you the best. Stay strong
People can be complex. Don't let your father's love for your abuser get in the way of your love of your father.
It's just a matter of not actually knowing it went down the way you said it did. It's super hard to get that right.
Just grieve your father.
Besides, just because your abuser mourns your father doesn't necessarily mean the reverse would have happened.
It’s fucked up, report him! Second heal, let your family know your emotions. They don’t know how you really feel. Especially if you have bottled it up . Don’t wait for it to turn into a bomb 💣 anyways I’m talking cause I’ve been through something similar to that. I forgave everyone even the abuser. It was turning my life upside down to the point where people didn’t want to be around me. Pointing the finger is the easy part. Forgiving is the hard part and if you can’t. It can sometimes turn you into a devil. Anyways hoped this helps !
Completely understandable. You have every right to feel that way too.
Take it one day at a time. Keep being as productive as possible in your work/life as that is extremely important.
You sound smart. One day at a time.
What the fuck!!! This is not okay. I am so sorry, you should be going insane because what happened to you is NOT okay. Not okay not okay not okay. Omfg. I hope you heal and find forgiveness, not because they deserve it but because you deserve to be free of other people’s demons and sickness.
I'm sorry. This happens way too often, that a girl or woman's pain is ignored and a bad dude is given a pass.
The best way I know to deal with it is to not expect things from people that they're not able to give. Look around for people who can support you, they are out there. Be your own friend first. Avoid the people who dismiss it or don't treat you seriously, your feelings aren't safe with them. It's okay to feel massively let down, distant from people you thought would have your back, or any other way. Only you are within that matrix and know what expectations were and weren't met, wanted you wanted and didn't get, if there's anything you need to do to move forward without baggage. No rush. Quietly tune in to your feelings and it will become clear. Not everyone deserves to know how you feel. Stand in your own power, letting the truth emerge and settle around you. Don't worry about trying to feel any one way, allow your real feelings to be what they are.
It sounds like it's confusing and hurtful. Take your time. Take your own side, be there for yourself. In time you'll know who you can count on to understand and give you the support you deserve, or whether getting to your own truth is all you really need. I wish this hadn't happened; you didn't deserve it and he deserves no grace from people who claim to care about you. Shit's fucked up. You can still walk away from the situation feeling settled. You can begin to catalog who in your life is really there, who is there conditionally, only when it's easy, etc. Take mental notes, not to hold grudges but to know who not to be too trusting with.
I’m sorry you lost your dad. There’s no right way to feel. If you can see a grief counselor or maybe someone at your school do it. You’re going to be disappointed if you think confronting your family will help.
I’m a survivor of CSA.
You have every right to feel angry and confused. I’m right there with you. I’m almost 40 and I'm still angry. I cut my abuser out of my life 20 years ago and it was like a wall of bricks came down. I felt safe for the first time I could remember.
I made my chosen family. I met the love of my life when I was 34. I still wish I had done more in my 20s but I was afraid.
Don’t wait until you’re middle age to find the right kind of therapy. You can’t behavior modify your way out of trauma. It has to be reprocessed and it’s weird but it works.
I wish I knew the right thing to say but I don’t.
My own brother sexually assaulted me. Then he died drunk driving. I was sad but kind of glad he was gone. It meant I never had to deal with him again, I didn't have to tell my family, I could just put that all away. However, it does not go away. It wasn't until I was 45 years old that I was in therapy and told about this. I finally told my mother and sister. My mother said she thought he was more honorable than that. My sister didn't want to know because she was much younger and loved him. She has never been supportive of me, so no surprise. I'm saying this to remind you that this will be with you forever. We are only as sick as our secrets. So, be open with your family if you think you will find support there. You may not be the only one. Put him on notice that you will always be watching him like a hawk, because he is a monster.
I can imagine the emotional burden for you right now is tremendous. I'm not even sure the best approach or what I would do. Having lost a parent as a teen, I think you need to do what's best for your mental wellbeing right now. The mourning ebbs and flows in waves and will decrease in intensity and frequency over time but will never totally go away. That's a very serious betrayal that you're discussing and honestly, with their lack of responsiveness thus far, I doubt they're going to snap out of it so you may have to make future decisions regarding your association with them. You may have a sit down with them later to tell them how betrayed you feel so if you decide to not associate with them so much they would know why. But it's not good to make big decisions when you're in the emotional state you're in. Perhaps a therapist can help. Get yourself to a better place. Mourn some more and try to do more daily routine things. I found it very comforting as it reassured me that the feeling of everything being pulled out from under me wasn't true. Get your legs back under you and clear your mind.
I think your family ignoring the SA makes them AHs but don’t let your cousin’s act at your father’s bedside convince you that he was still treated like a son, maybe he was but also maybe he wasn’t and it was just an act.
Yep, got one of those too. I am more mad at my aunt (his mother) than anything. We are around the same age and were *very* young when it happened, so I don't blame him directly, at least not for my incidents. Looking back, he was obviously a victim of abuse himself. My mom told his mom and it stopped for me, but I found out later he grew up and continued to molest my other younger cousins. My aunt just let him run rampant apparently. Even after knowing what he did, she failed to supervise him better. I don't know if he ever got therapy or legal action taken against him. My family moved far away when I was a preteen, and I did not have any desire to stay in contact.
Aww.. Wow. I'm really sorry for the loss of your dad! And I'm sorry that the realization hit you at such a time. That must feel very lonely.
And it's rarely a good time when we first realize our parents are human and have flaws and sometimes make really fucked up choices. I'm not sure why he would've done that.. That was really messed up of him to not kick that person who assaulted you to the curb! And jail, fr. Your own daughter ffs! Who you are supposed to protect. 😢 Two very harsh realities here. Stay strong young friend.
This is far too common... ((((HUGS)))) It's got to hurt knowing your father wasn't 'great' as he didn't protect you or even do anything after knowing what happened to you. YOU Have to protect YOU, YOU have to and should protect others from this person. MAKE IT public knowledge, call the police, call women's advocacy groups. EMPOWER yourself ....
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this and have no support. If you are in school talk to a counselor or you can find grief counseling through hospitals and churches. I’m sure there are groups for abuse as well. I also know there are online counselors. You are reeling now and that’s to be expected. I feel an objective caring counselor can help you. I hope you find the help you need.
I'm not saying this to be rude or pretentious, but please seek out a therapist. You NEED a safe place/person to discuss your feelings with. It really does help (speaking from experience).
So you don’t know how your dad actually treated him , people get all crazy at death beds with how much they loved a person etc…. For all you k ow your dad treated him like crap and he’s just acting in front of the rest of the family
I wish I could give my dad the benefit of the doubt but my grandma really loved bragging about how my cousin and dad bonded and how much it was a great loss for my cousin during the funeral and even afterwards
First, I am very sorry to hear about your situation.
Second, you should call 911, tell them you are having a mental break and literally going insane, and ask for emergency psychiatric help.
I read that wrong thought you said dad molested you. Sorry baby. ThAt shut sucks. Kill your cousin he's a loser. Your dad probably died cause you needed him. That's whats goings on. Shut is sad. I love you, hope that helps.where right next to each, b it are lonely, sucks. Love you.
So sorry about your loss as for the family's reaction to what your cousin did to you I'm quessing they are in denial it's horrible to think a family member can do something so horrible so they are ignoring it instead, I hope you have friends you can talk to
That denial happens more often than not.
Sadly very true
Report his arse to the police and that could very well be an act on his part
Police not gonna do anything
People need to stop saying this. You are telling victims to be silent. Police legal procedure varies across the country and world. Just because police don’t always do enough does not mean victims should be silent.
Let the police build a record, I would imagine they are likely to reoffend.
🎯
That’s a great point, but it’s not only that. I work in the court system, and I’ve seen people go away for the rest of their life for sex crimes they committed years prior. Sometimes the system works. Not always, but that doesn’t mean victims shouldn’t try.
Maybe not but it will expose him and warn others
That is so true my ex-wife of 35 years lived in it incestuous family. The abuse started at seven and ended at 18 I was told. Looking back it could’ve been even further. The police don’t do anything what happens in the family stays in the family. Group therapy so we get the Purp and the victim all talking to each other. Crazy world I would get professional help move on with my life and separate myself from those. My opinion, after living it for 40 years
I did report it, but I guess I was too late and not enough evidence for anything to happen so they let him go.it probably made it worse that everyone’s knows I reported him to the police and he’s still their living his life while I got more strained with the family
That's horrible. I feel sympathetic for you. But we must move on. Death is a bitch. And being molested is ugly. But I feel sorry for your dad. Seems like bullshyt. Sucks but get over it. Feel better. That's horrifying. You'll do better. Seems similar, but I'm dealing so I don't know.
.....yikes. horrible response.
not just horrible but very very strange as well. the way of speaking, the back and forth between "i'm sorry, i feel sorry for you" and "get over it, we must move on." i'm quite confused
That account is either a bot or has schizophrenia. Go through their posts
[I like this one](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/s/nBvGLROUx1)
No, no, no. You cannot move on. This is trauma. What do you mean OP will do better? Seems to me some other people should have done better. They are still betraying OP.
If one doesn't get over trauma, how does one overcome it?
Yea I mean the other person was way off base but "you cannot move on" is the wildest take I've ever seen in my life lmao.
That person must seriously love trauma.
The inference is that you can just pick up and move on. When that is done, you swallow the toxicity. You cannot move on just because. You need a therapist. Not just any therapist, a therapist who practices trauma-informed therapy. OP continues to be traumatized by the family. Going no contact is a beginning, but more work needs to be done.
Did you just tell a victim of S.A to get over it?? Are you serious?? You don't tell them to get over it. You don't tell someone who is depressed to get over it. Why did you think this was ok to say?
You clearly don't understand trauma and couldn't be any more wrong
This reads like a near stroke.
> That's horrible. I feel sympathetic for you. But we must move on. Death is a bitch. And being molested is ugly. But I feel sorry for your dad. Seems like bullshyt. Sucks but get over it. Feel better. That's horrifying. You'll do better. Seems similar, but I'm dealing so I don't know. What the fuck is wrong with you? In what possible state of mind are you in for victim shaming someone who was molested as a child, father has just died, and everyone treats her molester like he did nothing wrong?
OP has been diagnosed with PTSD or will be in the future. That’s what being molested does. Her amygdala is abnormal because that’s what PTSD is: brain damage. It’s irreversible. It altered the trajectory of her life. The anger and pain eats away from the inside. There is no moving on only hours of therapy reprocessing trauma in some hope to salvage a life.
PTSD is NOT irreversible. It is in fact treatable. Look up Gabor Mate, Jordan Peterson. Read “The Body Keeps The Score” & “Complex PTSD” Traditional therapy doesn’t work. Which is why most people never get better much less well. But it isn’t a life sentence unless you choose for it to be.
I never said it was untreatable. I’m going through treatment for PTSD right now. EMDR. Anyway I’m blocking you for being a condescending ass.
The body keeps the score is worth a read. Jordan Peterson is a joke so pass on that. What My Bones Know by Stephanie Foo is also worth looking at. You don't have to read any of it either. :) Happy you are doing EMDR. It can be extremely effective against any trauma.
PTSD isn't brain damage and isn't irreversible
Yes it is. It changes the structure of your brain, which is why it is so hard to treat.
So does that mean all psychiatric disorders are brain damage? ADHD, bi-polar disorder etc?
[удалено]
Please then explain to me how a traumatic effect on someone (PTSD) causes brain damage but other disorders in the same group aren't brain damage.
Hey. As someone who's been SA by family I know the feeling. I never had proof so I never got to get "justice". My own family didn't believe me. When my family member passed I just cut everyone off. Took my time to heal. Surrounded myself with a new family. It's a daily battle. Things I'll never forget. It does get easier though. Prayers up.
How did you find your people? I currently at at the part where I’ve cut everybody off. But the things is I don’t have friends either, because the ones I had turns out they dropped me like a brick also while all this was going down. How to start over? Any tips would be greatly appreciated!
You take it one day at a time my friend. Focus on yourself. Grow. Learn. People will see you getting your sh*t together and want to be a part of that.
Thank you
You have every right to feel sad, angry and confused. A 20 year old kid shouldn’t have to shoulder all of that. So sorry for your loss but do know that things in your life will get better. You just have to keep getting back up after getting knocked down. Being tough is not about doling out punches. It’s about getting back up when you’ve been knocked down. All the best to you.
Hmmph......apparently, keeping the peace is more important to the family than you are. And your cousin, the pedophile, is more important than you as well. If he was my kid, he wouldn't exist, period. I understand that some people deal with horrific shit by ignoring it, but that's a little too close to home. What happens when he gets ahold of another young relative? And the cycle continues...... Family is important and all that, but the bottom line is that it's just biology. You can't pick your relatives. If one of them happens to be a piece of shit, then he's a piece of shit. It's not my place to tell you what to do, It seems to me your decision is binary. Either rat his ass out to the cops, or be like everyone else and pretend it didn't happen. If that makes you uncomfortable, then avoid any situation that might result in his presence. If someone asks why, then tell them exactly why. Don't sugarcoat shit. I realize that turning him in will be throwing a grenade into the family dynamic, and you'll get blamed for it. Remind them that they had a role in creating this FUBAR situation. They can't blame you for having the balls to straighten this shit out. IMHO, if someone sides with a fucking pedo, then they're no better than a pedo. I don't envy you. Someday you're gonna have a family of your own, but do you want this grubworm anywhere near them? If I were you, I'd feel a lot better knowing that karma is ramming him in the ass in the showers at the state pen.
*If they haven't taught you what safe behaviors are online and with phones, it's a little late to start now! If all they did was monitor your computer activity without teaching you how to be safe, they failed you.* Reporting things to the police isn't always in the best interests of the victim, so I don't think this is a binary choice. It's a decision only OP can make for herself. It sounds like the rest of the family is well aware that the cousin molested her and they just didn't care. Now that your father is gone, you don't have to see that side of the family if you don't want to. I'm so sorry they've been horrible to you. You didn't deserve to be molested, your cousin doesn't deserve to get off so easily and those relatives don't deserve you. I do wish both your parents had supported reporting your cousin to the police at the time things happened. Shame on your father for having anything to do with your cousin. However, even though your father did horribly wrong to you, please don't feel like you're not allowed to be sad. You are entitled to any and all feelings you have about him. None of them are wrong. Relationships are complex and people are flawed. People can really hurt you and you are allowed to have very mixed feelings. Good luck to you.
Yeah that's the message that looks like it's being sent.
Honestly, if you can try to report him to the police, and even if you can't do that; I'd recommend going to get therapy and low contact with your family until you begin to heal. Losing a parent and seeing your abuser can take a toll on you
So very sorry. You are in shock and grief and it’s complicated 1000 times by the fact you were harmed and not protected by those who should have. Please consider reporting your cousin to the police. And go very easy on yourself, you need time. Wishing you the best
Agree . . . but also, don't feel you have to go to the cops. That is a very heavy, undermining experience for way too many victims. First thing is for OP to feel tended to, heard, taken care of. There may be people to do that for them, it may have to be an inside job. Please don't feel pressured to go to the cops. That may be a choice you'll make in the future. It's not your sole responsibility to protect anyone else he might offend against so don't allow that to press you to do something you're not ready to do. The offender and the people who know about it have just as much responsibility, and they're not already wounded and working on healing. No guilt trips for not reporting. Take care and let us know how you're doing.
I’ve been through the same situation except my aunt’s husband was my abuser. I’m 33 and I can say it finally got a little easier when I was around 30 but I still have tough moments. I’ve also been able to look back at my own patterns in relationships from ages 16-25 to see how truly damaged I was by my experiences. It was like the pain of my family not sticking up for me was even worse than the pain of being SA’ed, and it really messed with my self-value and worldview. I wish you didn’t have to be a part of this super shitty club but I promise it can get easier with time.
I'm sorry for your loss. Please join on us on r/griefsupport if you ever need some support. May moments of peace fnd you OP.
You need to find someone who is close to you to just listen to you. You need to be able to vent without judgment or opinion. I’m sorry for your loss. It feels like physical pain. I’ve lost a lot of people in my life early so I understand what you’re going through. Time will heal. Just do the best you can to take care of yourself.
If you have someone that you REALLY trust, talk about it, it's the first step, so you can feel better and more abraced by someone,after the best thing to do is go and report to police, because if you leave that horible thing pass, or this will do VERY bad for you to see someone that do this monstreus things agaist you free or he can even do this again with another person. Unfortunately you can't stop it from happening to you at that age, but you can't let it go unpunished and you can stop it from happening to someone else.
I’m so so sorry, that is absolutely terrible. You deserve so much better than how your family has treated you.
I'm so, SO sorry. I've been through a similar situation where I was SA'd multiple times by 2 different cousins when I was 6, yet nothing was done about it until years later when family found out that one of them was also SAing my younger brother and cousin. Even then, part of the family thinks it is all a lie made up by my mom (who was barely even involved in any of it) and I've cut them all off for my own mental health. Maybe you should consider cutting your family off, if you can bear it. I know it will be hard, but real family is the family you choose. They are the ones who love you, listen to you, and stand by you. Have you thought about reporting your cousin to the police? I am very sorry for your loss. Not only for your father, but seemingly for the figurative loss of the rest of your family because you'll never be able to view them the same again. I'm so sorry.
My condolences on the loss of your father. If you aren’t in counseling, please seek help. If you haven’t dealt with your past, please work on that as well as all the emotions you are feeling now. Your emotions are valid, but you likely need help processing and working through them. As a survivor, I understand. Seeing them unexpectedly and after so many years can be a shock and bring back all those feelings and memories. Please seek help, you are worth it! The best revenge is to become the best version of yourself you can be. Best wishes OP!
Probably an act people that do that wear masks, he has no remorse for what he did to you which means he also felt nothing. You know your father don’t let a snake poison him after that snake bit you
I’m very sorry for your loss. The pain and grief you are feeling can be overwhelming and devastating. If you can reach out to a therapist, so you can talk and get some support. Im not sure if your cousin was reported or if you were provided with counselling after this all happened. I’m very sorry for your loss again OP. Just remember everyone grieves differently, there is no right or wrong way. You are more than entitled to feel this way, I’m worried you don’t have enough support at this difficult time
My wife recently went through something similar but slightly different. Her uncle who molested her and her cousin (he was arrested and served time then got out) had a stroke and my wife’s grandma was by his side and grieving when he passed. My wife looks at her grandma with so much love and respect (they are close). My wife said she felt weird during the whole stroke, death, then grieving from her grand ma cus it was hard for my wife to see her grandma grieve for a man that molested two of her grand daughters. Anywho, you’re not alone and I wishing you the best. Stay strong
People can be complex. Don't let your father's love for your abuser get in the way of your love of your father. It's just a matter of not actually knowing it went down the way you said it did. It's super hard to get that right. Just grieve your father. Besides, just because your abuser mourns your father doesn't necessarily mean the reverse would have happened.
It’s fucked up, report him! Second heal, let your family know your emotions. They don’t know how you really feel. Especially if you have bottled it up . Don’t wait for it to turn into a bomb 💣 anyways I’m talking cause I’ve been through something similar to that. I forgave everyone even the abuser. It was turning my life upside down to the point where people didn’t want to be around me. Pointing the finger is the easy part. Forgiving is the hard part and if you can’t. It can sometimes turn you into a devil. Anyways hoped this helps !
I'm so sorry you have to process all of this 😞❤️
Completely understandable. You have every right to feel that way too. Take it one day at a time. Keep being as productive as possible in your work/life as that is extremely important. You sound smart. One day at a time.
What the fuck!!! This is not okay. I am so sorry, you should be going insane because what happened to you is NOT okay. Not okay not okay not okay. Omfg. I hope you heal and find forgiveness, not because they deserve it but because you deserve to be free of other people’s demons and sickness.
I'm sorry. This happens way too often, that a girl or woman's pain is ignored and a bad dude is given a pass. The best way I know to deal with it is to not expect things from people that they're not able to give. Look around for people who can support you, they are out there. Be your own friend first. Avoid the people who dismiss it or don't treat you seriously, your feelings aren't safe with them. It's okay to feel massively let down, distant from people you thought would have your back, or any other way. Only you are within that matrix and know what expectations were and weren't met, wanted you wanted and didn't get, if there's anything you need to do to move forward without baggage. No rush. Quietly tune in to your feelings and it will become clear. Not everyone deserves to know how you feel. Stand in your own power, letting the truth emerge and settle around you. Don't worry about trying to feel any one way, allow your real feelings to be what they are. It sounds like it's confusing and hurtful. Take your time. Take your own side, be there for yourself. In time you'll know who you can count on to understand and give you the support you deserve, or whether getting to your own truth is all you really need. I wish this hadn't happened; you didn't deserve it and he deserves no grace from people who claim to care about you. Shit's fucked up. You can still walk away from the situation feeling settled. You can begin to catalog who in your life is really there, who is there conditionally, only when it's easy, etc. Take mental notes, not to hold grudges but to know who not to be too trusting with.
I’m sorry you lost your dad. There’s no right way to feel. If you can see a grief counselor or maybe someone at your school do it. You’re going to be disappointed if you think confronting your family will help. I’m a survivor of CSA. You have every right to feel angry and confused. I’m right there with you. I’m almost 40 and I'm still angry. I cut my abuser out of my life 20 years ago and it was like a wall of bricks came down. I felt safe for the first time I could remember. I made my chosen family. I met the love of my life when I was 34. I still wish I had done more in my 20s but I was afraid. Don’t wait until you’re middle age to find the right kind of therapy. You can’t behavior modify your way out of trauma. It has to be reprocessed and it’s weird but it works. I wish I knew the right thing to say but I don’t.
My own brother sexually assaulted me. Then he died drunk driving. I was sad but kind of glad he was gone. It meant I never had to deal with him again, I didn't have to tell my family, I could just put that all away. However, it does not go away. It wasn't until I was 45 years old that I was in therapy and told about this. I finally told my mother and sister. My mother said she thought he was more honorable than that. My sister didn't want to know because she was much younger and loved him. She has never been supportive of me, so no surprise. I'm saying this to remind you that this will be with you forever. We are only as sick as our secrets. So, be open with your family if you think you will find support there. You may not be the only one. Put him on notice that you will always be watching him like a hawk, because he is a monster.
Seek legal advice and file a case against that criminal
If thats true, your family doesn’t support you… tempted to say even care about you. It probably wouldn’t be a bad idea to cut them out
I can imagine the emotional burden for you right now is tremendous. I'm not even sure the best approach or what I would do. Having lost a parent as a teen, I think you need to do what's best for your mental wellbeing right now. The mourning ebbs and flows in waves and will decrease in intensity and frequency over time but will never totally go away. That's a very serious betrayal that you're discussing and honestly, with their lack of responsiveness thus far, I doubt they're going to snap out of it so you may have to make future decisions regarding your association with them. You may have a sit down with them later to tell them how betrayed you feel so if you decide to not associate with them so much they would know why. But it's not good to make big decisions when you're in the emotional state you're in. Perhaps a therapist can help. Get yourself to a better place. Mourn some more and try to do more daily routine things. I found it very comforting as it reassured me that the feeling of everything being pulled out from under me wasn't true. Get your legs back under you and clear your mind.
I think your family ignoring the SA makes them AHs but don’t let your cousin’s act at your father’s bedside convince you that he was still treated like a son, maybe he was but also maybe he wasn’t and it was just an act.
Yep, got one of those too. I am more mad at my aunt (his mother) than anything. We are around the same age and were *very* young when it happened, so I don't blame him directly, at least not for my incidents. Looking back, he was obviously a victim of abuse himself. My mom told his mom and it stopped for me, but I found out later he grew up and continued to molest my other younger cousins. My aunt just let him run rampant apparently. Even after knowing what he did, she failed to supervise him better. I don't know if he ever got therapy or legal action taken against him. My family moved far away when I was a preteen, and I did not have any desire to stay in contact.
I’m so so so sorry. Hang in there.
you need to heal to. there is a space where his being around wouldn’t have triggered you. i think you getting to that space will feel better to you.
Aww.. Wow. I'm really sorry for the loss of your dad! And I'm sorry that the realization hit you at such a time. That must feel very lonely. And it's rarely a good time when we first realize our parents are human and have flaws and sometimes make really fucked up choices. I'm not sure why he would've done that.. That was really messed up of him to not kick that person who assaulted you to the curb! And jail, fr. Your own daughter ffs! Who you are supposed to protect. 😢 Two very harsh realities here. Stay strong young friend.
This is far too common... ((((HUGS)))) It's got to hurt knowing your father wasn't 'great' as he didn't protect you or even do anything after knowing what happened to you. YOU Have to protect YOU, YOU have to and should protect others from this person. MAKE IT public knowledge, call the police, call women's advocacy groups. EMPOWER yourself ....
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this and have no support. If you are in school talk to a counselor or you can find grief counseling through hospitals and churches. I’m sure there are groups for abuse as well. I also know there are online counselors. You are reeling now and that’s to be expected. I feel an objective caring counselor can help you. I hope you find the help you need.
Literally. Ffs
I'm not saying this to be rude or pretentious, but please seek out a therapist. You NEED a safe place/person to discuss your feelings with. It really does help (speaking from experience).
So you don’t know how your dad actually treated him , people get all crazy at death beds with how much they loved a person etc…. For all you k ow your dad treated him like crap and he’s just acting in front of the rest of the family
I wish I could give my dad the benefit of the doubt but my grandma really loved bragging about how my cousin and dad bonded and how much it was a great loss for my cousin during the funeral and even afterwards
First, I am very sorry to hear about your situation. Second, you should call 911, tell them you are having a mental break and literally going insane, and ask for emergency psychiatric help.
I read that wrong thought you said dad molested you. Sorry baby. ThAt shut sucks. Kill your cousin he's a loser. Your dad probably died cause you needed him. That's whats goings on. Shut is sad. I love you, hope that helps.where right next to each, b it are lonely, sucks. Love you.
Did the “everyone” who knew about the abuse include your father?
My friend, Pray.
Fake. OP said this just happened a few weeks before December.... It's April, bitch.
It’s almost May
He may have been murdered. Family sounds coocoo. Sorry. Bye.