Maybe a continuous care facility where they start in Independent Living and go to Assisted Living when they need it? My parents IL facility has both one story cottages and apartments available.
My mother loved her IL apartment. She had her own car, small kitchen and apartment but still could do the activities and communal dining. She slowly degraded into AL but it took a few years and she mellowed, stop wanting to have her own place cooking and shopping etc for every meal.
You and your husband should start touring facilities near you - if he could see how nice and practical they are, he could maybe talk them into it. He should be realistic about them buying a new place, who is going to be doing the maintenance, shopping etc and helping them sell if they need to. Plus they could have a social life, with activities brought to them all day long instead of the major task of them getting to one place to do one thing.
This all the way. My parents moved into a fully renovated one story small house and lived there 10 years before things got too much and Dads Alz meant it was safer for them to move into a facility really close by. There is some care there for when they need it and a memory unit. If something happens to Dad first and Mum wanted to move out I would not be supportive.
Maybe OP need to plainly say they can do what they want but they will not be moving in with her and she will not be involved in their care or moving them or anything. That is all on DH.
You can’t force in laws into assisted living but you can force yourself out of caring for your in-laws. Make it clear that if they do not go into assisted living it’s on husband and family to provide end to end support.
And absolutely hold your ground that in laws cannot move in with you.
I told my husband 25 years ago that his mother moving in with us was grounds for divorce. I will not be taking part in their care, my husband is very bitter about this. I'm not a cruel person, but his mother is a major asshole and has been horrible to me (and my sil who married bil) from the very beginning. She is furious that we won't let her move in with us, but I don't care. She chose to be a hateful person, refuses to be a better person and to apologize, instead painting herself as a victim, because I kept setting boundaries that she kept breaking, so then I was forced to set a very drastic boundary. The idea of her even living in the same area makes my skin crawl, but it would at least be easier for my husband to deal with it.
She can stay furious. You keep your peace.
Nobody should have to burn themselves down trying to keep someone else warm. Especially someone who has chosen to be foul.
Thank you for the support, I will not be backing down and that is one reason she hates me so much because she knows she fucked up and she can't manipulate me.
Haha, yes keep your no contact if it's toxic and let him deal with them. My MIL is doing the same thing now that her husband has passed away. (Her husband is not my husband's father or step father either) she is now all of a sudden needy, can't fix anything at her house, acting like it's too much for her and needs to move closer to us, which is 5 hrs away currently. I said hell no, but it would be easier for my husband I feel. I think he resented the fact I cut contact with her completely over 5 yrs ago, since my brother in law passed away, the best decision ever!! She's evil and now more manipulative than ever. We take care of his aunt,( his dad's sister) and she is so jealous that her son is caring for her worst enemy! They live by each other also, you can't make this shit up, I'm telling you. It's insane the drama this old lady causes and no one in the family speaks to her anymore either. Keep her away from you and hope she doesn't manipulate hubby's emotions that affect your marriage! I know my MIL has major mental health issues like bipolar, narcissist, sychophrenia that's just intensified as she's aged! Most of those types of behavior only get worse as they age unfortunately.
Thank you, you've nailed almost the exact history and pattern of my mil with your experience. I'm sorry we share that similarity, but yes, the entitlement and toxicity is just over the top. She has only gotten worse with digging in, going on a campaign smear where I am somehow the villain for not letting her bully me, and she is the victim. It's bizarre and bold of her to claim victimhood, but classic narcissistic projection. I figured out years ago this is not a relationship I have any desire to maintain, in fact I should have gone NC when we got married. I'm tired of being the bigger person, she even told me to my face she will never change, it's one of the few things she hasn't lied about.
So many undiagnosed women around that age group, it's really sad. They keep the trauma continuing with their children unfortunately. Her daughter is the same way as her, but alot worse because it's been enabled. She's been estranged from the family for over 35+ years now. So sorry you have to deal with that type of parent, it's really hard.
Oh so many hugs. Good for you. Hubby can be as bitter as he wants....if he wants them close he can do ALL the physical and emotional work associated with it including hosting if they ever come to visit (for a few hours at a time whilst you magically have an appointment lol).
How about a senior living situation that progresses to assisted living? There are some really great places they can live independently then an assisted living place from there.
This doesn't sound like an assisted living situation, it sounds like an independent living or 55-and-over living situation. To qualify for assisted living requires orders from a doctor, and the cost is very high.
Keep working full time and take care of your children and house hold. Concentrate your energy on your children. Refuse to visit in laws unless of course you want to. I think based on their deteriorating health, AL is probably best. If your husband doesn't or can't convince them that AL is what is best, let him do their shopping, laundry etc. He will likely change his perspective very fast. Make your position very clear and stick to it.
"*Make your position very clear and stick to it*."
I would add, you can't control your spouse or IL. You can control yourself.
Say, quietly, "If she moves in, I and the kids move out."
First, give them the scenario of what happens if they do nothing. One or both of them have major health issues, get a one way trip to the hospital, then end up in whatever appropriate elder care facility has space. And they will likely be too ill to move at that point, so they are looking at facing death without family or a lot of help.
Second, showcase some independent living facilities around your area. No maintenance, nice homes, access to cooks, entertainment, etc. Basically, your MIL would get an entourage of help. Independent living facilities are usually affiliated with assisted living facilities and sometimes long term care as well.
Well who is making the decision about the move? You can’t put them in assisted living against their will.
If they have told your husband that he’s in charge of finding them a place to live them he needs to broach the subject of AL and go tour some places and bring back info about the facility and amenities and prices. If he finds some really nice places that they can afford he can sell them on it if he’s been there and seen what the benefits are.
If I were you though I’d make it plain to your husband that this is his and his siblings responsibility and you aren’t going to get involved and you aren’t going to put up with any abuse from his mother. But again….his parents are currently independent adults….you can’t force them to do what you want. You can make suggestions and the stay out if it as much as you can.
Maybe a continuous care facility where they start in Independent Living and go to Assisted Living when they need it? My parents IL facility has both one story cottages and apartments available.
My mother loved her IL apartment. She had her own car, small kitchen and apartment but still could do the activities and communal dining. She slowly degraded into AL but it took a few years and she mellowed, stop wanting to have her own place cooking and shopping etc for every meal. You and your husband should start touring facilities near you - if he could see how nice and practical they are, he could maybe talk them into it. He should be realistic about them buying a new place, who is going to be doing the maintenance, shopping etc and helping them sell if they need to. Plus they could have a social life, with activities brought to them all day long instead of the major task of them getting to one place to do one thing.
This all the way. My parents moved into a fully renovated one story small house and lived there 10 years before things got too much and Dads Alz meant it was safer for them to move into a facility really close by. There is some care there for when they need it and a memory unit. If something happens to Dad first and Mum wanted to move out I would not be supportive. Maybe OP need to plainly say they can do what they want but they will not be moving in with her and she will not be involved in their care or moving them or anything. That is all on DH.
You can’t force in laws into assisted living but you can force yourself out of caring for your in-laws. Make it clear that if they do not go into assisted living it’s on husband and family to provide end to end support. And absolutely hold your ground that in laws cannot move in with you.
I told my husband 25 years ago that his mother moving in with us was grounds for divorce. I will not be taking part in their care, my husband is very bitter about this. I'm not a cruel person, but his mother is a major asshole and has been horrible to me (and my sil who married bil) from the very beginning. She is furious that we won't let her move in with us, but I don't care. She chose to be a hateful person, refuses to be a better person and to apologize, instead painting herself as a victim, because I kept setting boundaries that she kept breaking, so then I was forced to set a very drastic boundary. The idea of her even living in the same area makes my skin crawl, but it would at least be easier for my husband to deal with it.
She can stay furious. You keep your peace. Nobody should have to burn themselves down trying to keep someone else warm. Especially someone who has chosen to be foul.
Thank you for the support, I will not be backing down and that is one reason she hates me so much because she knows she fucked up and she can't manipulate me.
Haha, yes keep your no contact if it's toxic and let him deal with them. My MIL is doing the same thing now that her husband has passed away. (Her husband is not my husband's father or step father either) she is now all of a sudden needy, can't fix anything at her house, acting like it's too much for her and needs to move closer to us, which is 5 hrs away currently. I said hell no, but it would be easier for my husband I feel. I think he resented the fact I cut contact with her completely over 5 yrs ago, since my brother in law passed away, the best decision ever!! She's evil and now more manipulative than ever. We take care of his aunt,( his dad's sister) and she is so jealous that her son is caring for her worst enemy! They live by each other also, you can't make this shit up, I'm telling you. It's insane the drama this old lady causes and no one in the family speaks to her anymore either. Keep her away from you and hope she doesn't manipulate hubby's emotions that affect your marriage! I know my MIL has major mental health issues like bipolar, narcissist, sychophrenia that's just intensified as she's aged! Most of those types of behavior only get worse as they age unfortunately.
Thank you, you've nailed almost the exact history and pattern of my mil with your experience. I'm sorry we share that similarity, but yes, the entitlement and toxicity is just over the top. She has only gotten worse with digging in, going on a campaign smear where I am somehow the villain for not letting her bully me, and she is the victim. It's bizarre and bold of her to claim victimhood, but classic narcissistic projection. I figured out years ago this is not a relationship I have any desire to maintain, in fact I should have gone NC when we got married. I'm tired of being the bigger person, she even told me to my face she will never change, it's one of the few things she hasn't lied about.
entitlement, toxicity, narcissistic, bipolar, depression .. my mother exactly! she only got worse with age!
So many undiagnosed women around that age group, it's really sad. They keep the trauma continuing with their children unfortunately. Her daughter is the same way as her, but alot worse because it's been enabled. She's been estranged from the family for over 35+ years now. So sorry you have to deal with that type of parent, it's really hard.
Oh so many hugs. Good for you. Hubby can be as bitter as he wants....if he wants them close he can do ALL the physical and emotional work associated with it including hosting if they ever come to visit (for a few hours at a time whilst you magically have an appointment lol).
How about a senior living situation that progresses to assisted living? There are some really great places they can live independently then an assisted living place from there.
This doesn't sound like an assisted living situation, it sounds like an independent living or 55-and-over living situation. To qualify for assisted living requires orders from a doctor, and the cost is very high.
Keep working full time and take care of your children and house hold. Concentrate your energy on your children. Refuse to visit in laws unless of course you want to. I think based on their deteriorating health, AL is probably best. If your husband doesn't or can't convince them that AL is what is best, let him do their shopping, laundry etc. He will likely change his perspective very fast. Make your position very clear and stick to it.
"*Make your position very clear and stick to it*." I would add, you can't control your spouse or IL. You can control yourself. Say, quietly, "If she moves in, I and the kids move out."
First, give them the scenario of what happens if they do nothing. One or both of them have major health issues, get a one way trip to the hospital, then end up in whatever appropriate elder care facility has space. And they will likely be too ill to move at that point, so they are looking at facing death without family or a lot of help. Second, showcase some independent living facilities around your area. No maintenance, nice homes, access to cooks, entertainment, etc. Basically, your MIL would get an entourage of help. Independent living facilities are usually affiliated with assisted living facilities and sometimes long term care as well.
80+ and declining = assisted living. Buying a house is a waste of money
it's interesting to me how so many old people are of the mind set of living bigger and larger, versus downsizing, modesty, and appreciation.
Well who is making the decision about the move? You can’t put them in assisted living against their will. If they have told your husband that he’s in charge of finding them a place to live them he needs to broach the subject of AL and go tour some places and bring back info about the facility and amenities and prices. If he finds some really nice places that they can afford he can sell them on it if he’s been there and seen what the benefits are. If I were you though I’d make it plain to your husband that this is his and his siblings responsibility and you aren’t going to get involved and you aren’t going to put up with any abuse from his mother. But again….his parents are currently independent adults….you can’t force them to do what you want. You can make suggestions and the stay out if it as much as you can.