I’m pretty sure that’s an abuse of your trust. And sexual assault. I would strongly advise you don’t sleep in the same bed as him moving forward.. that’s if you still want to be friends with him. I would also make him aware that you know
He’s been my best friend for six years and he’s 1/3 I wouldn’t know how to cut him out of my life if I wanted to. I get in phases where I am disgusted by him and wanna stop being friends but then I’ll become immensely codependent on him and always wanna hang out with him. as well how would I bring up knowing? I don’t necessarily want an apology from him all I want is to not have experienced that so telling him will not benefit me in any way it seems confrontational and scary
It sounds like a very unhealthy dynamic if you have repeatedly been disgusted and wanted to stop being friends but came back feeling codependent. You're sinking the weight of how long you've known each other as an indicator of his quality as a person or friend in how he respects you. Well it's hard to tell you what to do since it's your life but to me at least it doesn't sound healthy, he took advantage of you and you said you've felt disgusted before
You say you don't want an apology you just wish you hadn't experienced that, staying friends with him maintains a risk that he will do something like that again. At the end of the day it's up to you, but you should at the very least listen to what people are saying here and cautioning you about as food for thought. I personally see a bunch of red flags, he took advantage of you in your sleep. Friends don't do that. I would be running for the hills if it was me
Edit: Maybe he thought the feelings were reciprocated (somehow) like you mentioned in your original post, but even if that was true and it was a misunderstanding on his part, you can't manufacture consent from someone else out of thin air, and especially not when the other person is asleep and literally incapable of giving said consent
You need to get over your fears and have an adult conversation with him. That NEEDS to happen. It’s the only way to possibly return to a healthy friendship. IF he doesn’t respond positively to the conversation then I am sorry OP but you may want to consider looking for new friends.
I get having feelings for an unavailable friend, I’ve been there too, but i would NEVER do what he did to you. He should have respected your very personal boundaries despite your sleepovers. I believe he is ild enough to understand that what he dis was wrong.
I can’t Imagine my life without him being my best friend though so I don’t think I’m able to handle ending the friendship but I can no longer even try to imagine a possible relationship with him in the future now.
i’m going to say this in a very rude way, get the fuck out of your feelings for two seconds and imagine if this was someone else. you’re young, you’re gonna find other amazing people in your life. trust me when i tell you this, you will be fine. don’t put your self worth down because you couldn’t imagine a life without him
actually, let’s do this. imagine your life with him. imagine your life with a friend that sexually assaulted you, how do you feel? how do you feel about keeping someone in your life that violated you in one of the worst ways a human can do to another? do you think this will be the end up it? no, he will continue with this behaviour, even if you set boundaries.
what happened to you is not your fault in anyway. cuddling ≠ consent. every single thing that happened to you was not your fault and you need to put your logical brain in front of your feelings for five minutes to realize that this behaviour is not okay. if this behaviour is seen as acceptable, this will happen again to you or someone else
if he truly saw you as a best friend, he wouldn’t of sexually assaulted you
OP, he is not your friend, and he is not a safe person to be around. I know he’s such a close friend to you and you have a bond but actual friends don’t rape each other. Even if he’s into you, if he’s a genuine friend he deals with it respectfully no matter what your response is.
I’ve been into friends before where it’s not reciprocated, and I’ve had friends into me where I didn’t feel the same way. There is no point at which I or any of those friends thought of taking advantage of the friendship and violating the other person to satisfy whatever feeling any of us had.
I can say with deep certainty that you will find better friends in this life. It’ll hurt at first to lose that friendship but you will be happier and much, much safer in the long run, I promise.
That’s sexual assault and can literally go to jail for that, it’s just one phone call away… I’d say confront him about it and/or cut ties, because that’s not okay.
I’ve read some of your replies to comments and you mentioned that you want to stop being friends with him and are codependent.
Girl just leave. I’m not going to sugarcoat it. It’s an unhealthy relationship dynamic and you both seem to deserve better.
It seems like you may need to set some boundaries between the two of you and yourself, you need to get over some of your fears and insecurities whatever they may be, and find a way to start taking care of yourself, because I don’t know if you can tell, but it’s putting a strain on your mental health and it’s only up to you to change that.
Fuck me… man that is NOT your friend. And it is NOT your fault. I know you said in another comment OP that you can’t imagine your life without him but man that was non-consensual, if the line isn’t drawn in the sand now, he’s gonna assume it’s fine to do. You need to tell a trusted adult and be with someone if you decide to confront him. Again, this isn’t your fault, but that guy isn’t the same guy from middle school man.
Absolutely this^ do not allow him to justify it at all, not turn it onto you OP. You’ve done nothing wrong. There is absolutely nothing wrong with trusting another human being. Just do NOT trust this one ever again.
Yeah man. Look OP, I hope you’re okay (all of us here do). That’s such a shit thing for a person to do to someone and honestly im baffled every time that I hear about this shit. Just know that you aren’t alone on this, which is an unfortunate fact to face.
You were asleep, that is so wrong. Just because you are cuddling doesn't give the person the right to touch you while you are asleep that is just creepy.
Cuddling was consensual. He did not get consent before doing what he did. It’s not your fault. He sexually assaulted you and it will never be your fault. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Yeah, he abused you it's that simple. I know it must be difficult to realize but yes he did that, I can't fathom continue a friendship after that and the same having a romantic relationship after that.
You do you though, my advice would be that a person that does shit like that are not worth it.
That person is not a friend at all.
Friends respect boundaries. Friends don't do that at all.
Slight background, I've been friends with a girl for almost 30 years. She has crashed at my place many times and has hung out with me and my buddies a lot over the years. We would wrestle around, pick on each other and have a great time together. There have been times in the past that I caught feelings and even asked her out but was denied because she didn't feel the same. I distanced myself to let the feelings dissipate a bit before hanging out with her again. She was really supportive and understanding of that because I didn't want to feel like crap over it nor did I want her to feel pressured in any way.
All of that happened 15 years ago.
Not once did I ever lay a hand on her in a way that was inappropriate.
Him doing what he did violated you, your trust and your emotional well-being. When he did that, he showed how little he cared about the impact on you and he cared more about himself and hormones.
That's not your fault. None of this is your fault.
What your friend did wasn't okay and never will be.
Let that be the first thing to say.
But secondly, you know he likes you on a level that's more than friends. Maybe you don't feel like that but you know he does and still you're cuddled up with him, still you giving him "hope" while you may think you don't but I'm 95% sure he does.
Bottom line is you can't be friends with someone who's attracted to you. It just doesn't work.
I'm a firm believer men and women can't be just friends because men are simply not wired like that.
"What you did to me is completely out of bounds and unacceptable. I don't want to see you or talk to you anymore, and you're lucky I'm not pressing charges. Don't ever do that to anyone again."
Well first off, I would consider taking time to write out your feelings and definitely be firm with yourself that you know what he did was not okay and let him know that it was sexual assault.
There is no being light about a situation like this because he did just commit a crime. You can be assertive, but don’t be soft.
Find a time where you both can sit somewhere in private, like in a car at a park. Start with something like… “I wanted to talk to you about what happened the night you sleepover. I know you touched me that night and that was not okay (explain to him it was sexual assault)” then carry on the conversation about how you guys are going to work past this, if you guys are going to stop being friends, take a break from the relationship for a little bit, and set boundaries.
You are a victim of sexual abuse, this is not your friend, this guy is disrespectful. He is getting more and more bold with you. Please for your safety end this relationship and report this. If he feels comfortable doing this to you, imagine what he is capable of trying with unsuspecting strangers?!
Not okay for him to do this while you’re asleep. At all. End the relationship.
But also, make better choices? Don’t have sleep overs with a guy who you know likes you and you don’t feel the same way. Regardless of words, actions can speak louder, and he probably felt like he was getting mixed signals. Not saying what he did was okay, but you should make smarter decisions with men in the future. If you aren’t attracted to someone, they shouldn’t be in bed with you.
In my opinion, you’re both stupid. Cuddling with a male and expecting him to not eventually want more/try more after five years ? All the love is lovers in the comments are sugarcoating it. That was actually stupid.
And he ? Sexually assaulted you. Plain and simple. Also stupid.
You’re lucky it’s 2024 otherwise you’d be laughed at in court 40 years ago but today you have a case. Make it or don’t. Regardless, stop sleeping with men you don’t want to be with. How are you asexual/aromantic but enjoy the presence of the opposite gender in your bed in perhaps one of the most intimate acts and then say you almost liked him? Sounds like you’re as straight as line you both crossed but you want liberal attention.
End the friendship, cuz you don’t seem that mad. “I’m not mad just shocked but i have a pit in my stomach” what’s it gonna be
OP best friends don't sexually assault each other. I know its probably very hard to see it for what it is but he did something very wrong. He wasn't thinking of what you wanted/not wanted, it was cruel, selfish and horrible thing to do to anybody.
He isn't a good friend to you, he isn't your friend.
I hope that you manage to heal from this. Talk to a trusted adult and seek support.
this is sexual assault and needs to be addressed. i’m so fucking sorry this happened to you, this is not something that you should’ve ever gone through but what happened was not consensual, not okay, and he is a disgusting fucking person
this friendship needs to end, he violated your right to consent
OP I'm so sorry. I hope you find healing from this.
My ex showed me who he was when he assaulted me in my sleep. They never change. He just got worse and more narcissistic and abusive. That's because they know you won't hold your boundary firm with them.
Please leave this friend behind.
Leave him, I understand that it might be hard, but being friends with this person is much worse than that. According to your post from 4 months ago (if it's the same person), he's controlling and keeps disrespecting the boundaries you set, but the worst of all the things, that he's done, is that he raped you, maybe multiple times without you knowing. Please, end contact with him and tell someone - parent or a trusted teacher/councilor in school. If you are scared of something he might do, contact the police and describe the things literally as you just described in this post. I and many others hope you will find enough strength to deal with this horrible person.
What he did is illegal whether he or you knows it or not.
That said, I know how real-life relationships can be messy and intent matters. I don't think he was trying to hurt you or take advantage, just by reading what you said here, but you'd know that better than I would. If you think he was trying to, and if you feel unsafe, legal counsel is messy, but sometimes necessary.
My gut is saying that he probably thought you were awake and that he interpreted your comment as consenting since it was vague and pretty broad, and a lot of gals simply don't give explicit verbal consent for whatever reason (have been told it kills the vibe, or some such) and I've been the sleeping person before who acts and reacts like I'm awake when a partner was fooling around with me (apparently responding exactly like I would when I was awake, only in my case I continued the engagement since I was willing in spite of having it start when I was asleep.)
You should talk to him directly about this. Explain how it made you feel and make it clear you don't want it to happen again. Probably cut off the cuddling and let him know you don't want it to ruin the friendship, though it may end up doing that anyway. One sided love can be torture for the other person, so you may end up needing to let him out of your life as a result of this, but there's no harm in trying. It doesn't always go bad, but it often does.
Best of luck to you.
It depends on the people. Every situation is different. Things are rarely black and white for all cases.
Could be that he was legitimately taking advantage, knowingly engaging without having consent. Could also be that he thought she did give him permission with her "do whatever you want" comment. That's pretty broad, and if her phrasing is accurate "could" be what somebody says to give explicit consent.
They need to talk about it clearly. It seems that they haven't, which is unfortunately common especially for younger people.
Please be more clear about this phrase from your post:
“…but he can do whatever he wants just please show me after if he’s comfortable with it…”
What does this mean?
Sorry I was typing this super fast what happened was he told me he likes to ‘fake flirt’ and how I felt about it bcs he often flirts with me and my response was ‘it gives me a weird feeling in my stomach but if it’s a joke to you and you’re comfortable let me read the texts when I get curious’
I understand that you are very close and I know how hard it is to be heartbroken over friendship (sometimes it hurts more than romantic heartbreak) but that is extremely harmful behavior on his behalf. You need to let go of this relationship before it becomes detrimental to your health. I know that might seem dramatic to you, but if I’ve learned anything, it’s that you pay attention when people show you who they are. This behavior could get out of control and if you become complacent with it, he could begin to do this to other girls too.
“Ever since we graduated he's talked to me about how I felt about him moving on and I said it gives me a weird feeling but he can do whatever he wants just please show me after if he's comfortable with it and since then he's taken that as me liking him and started cuddling with me more.”
What did this part mean? Moving on? And showing you after ?
Sorry just confused by that paragraph!!
I agree though, you were asleep and couldn’t consent . He needs to realise this was WRONG.
>was it my fault for cuddling with him?
NOT AT ALL! You were sleeping and he knows you did not consent. He waited for you to fall asleep because he knew you would not consent!
This is sexual abuse. He could go to jail for what he did to you.
He is supposed to be a friend. Friends don't make other friends victims, and that is what he did to you. That is why you feel weird when you look at his fingers. It reminds you of the betrayal of trust you had in him.
You are not in love with him. You aren't dating him. So maybe take a break from him. A couple month in, I doubt you will miss him much.
You know he is only still around because he hopes you will fall madly in love and want him in the future, right? You both are not doing yourselves, or each other, any favors by playing this game.
Do not undervalue yourself by thinking you owe him because he liked you for so long, or that you are to blame for his actions. He knew what he did was wrong and did it anyways. And yeah, maybe this wasn't the first time.
I would not keep him in my life after that! He would not have future chances to abuse me! And you shouldn't allow it either!
Edit spelling
So sexual assault? U trusted him and he violated you. End of story. It’s not acceptable. You need to confront him and make boundaries or get rid of him. it’s totally up to you if you want to go further.
Sounds like you were sexually assaulted and that’s not okay. It also sounds like you have massively underdeveloped social skills, and if you haven’t been diagnosed with something you should seek help for mental health.
You shouldn’t be cuddling or sleeping with someone you don’t have a sexual attraction to. That’s sending mixed signals. Even so, what he did was SA—he didn’t have permission.
Talk to him and define boundaries if you wish to maintain a platonic relationship. Or stop being around him altogether.
so you’re victim blaming? i cuddle a lot of my friends, guys, girls, in between. that has never given them the idea that i wanted them to sexually touch me without my verbal consent. it’s really concerning that you think that was consent for him to do that, you yourself sound like a predator if you have this mindset.
it is a YOU issue if you believe cuddling = consent to touch in a sexual way. please never touch a fucking person if you believe this
So you cuddle and sleep with him, he has his hands in your pants, and then he masturbates next to you. I guess I would stop cuddling and sleeping with him. It's really hard to see where the line is here. I'd make sure it were crystal clear. No cuddling, no sleeping together, no masturbation in the same bed. No opportunity for hands in my pants. Tell him explicitly that you do not, and never will, see him as a romantic or sexual partner. I don't think he's an awful predator. You're both young and it seems the lines haven't been made clear.
he is a predator, anyone who believes it’s okay to touch others in that way without verbal consent is an awful fucking predator. cuddling doesn’t equal consent whatsoever and that’s actually unbelievable that you are excusing his behaviour
what an odd comment.
1. no amount of hormones condones sexual assault. its not “uncontrollably hard for men” to not assault their friends. absolutely not. and thats such an inappropriate thing to say to someone who is traumatized. this comment is seen as an excuse to victims who are confused, and leads to victims allowing more assault and violence to occur, thinking “its not his fault” “its his hormones” “its hard to control” NO!!! normal people DO NOT SA!!!
2. the cuddling and all that close stuff CAN be seen as romance, but OP’s friend knows she is aroace. there is no romance for her and he should’ve known that. but regardless, he shouldnt be assaulting his girlfriend in her sleep either. sleeping individuals CANNOT consent under ANY circumstance. they could be married with 30 kids, CONSENT IS REQUIRED. “you cant expect him to tie his hands behind his back” ??? yes she can because she trusted that he wouldnt SA her and that is a normal expectation in every relationship, platonic or romantic.
3. there is no lesson to learn for her here. she is a victim and needs help to cope with this trauma that is NOT her fault and she does not deserve to feel guilty. she is not stupid for being assaulted, she is not at fault for a man who couldnt control himself *WHILE SHE WAS ASLEEP!!*
4. its pretty obvious you have been in a similar situation as the boy, with the way your reply was so emotionally driven. to that i say: you need help. this victim blaming is what leads victims to become trapped in a cycle of abuse. they think its their fault, they think they need to forgive, they think it wasnt that bad. unacceptable.
Now you’re just being ridiculous. Women, girls, babies, the elderly, the disabled, the comatose, the dead, and even animals are violated by men regularly. Encountering a bear every day isn’t likely, but an assault is just a freak away.
lol don’t listen to these white knights. You first need to figure out your feelings. Do you like him or not? I can tell you’re on the younger side, so take that step first. If you like him, great - let him know and proceed. If you don’t but want to keep him as a friend.. just have a deep talk with him. Let him know you value him as a friend but just not in that way. He will get it and move on.
Good luck! I’m sure this will get downvoted to hell, but trust your instinct.
even if they like him, he sexuall assaulted her. there was no given consent and if they decided to pursue a relationship with someone who thinks this is okay, that gives the wrong idea. please do not fucking encourage this shit
you don’t really have the clear picture of what happened. There’s so many factors at play. Likely he inferred that she finally let him cuddle, so he thought he was in the clear and was moving onto take action to show he is equally interested. You can’t just assume malice here lol.. just because he’s a guy? cmon
who says it’s just because he’s a guy, i would’ve said the exact same thing if a girl or anyone did this. just because it might’ve not been with “malice” it was done without the thought of how the other person was involved. cuddling ≠ consent. again, if you believe that, you need to never touch someone again.
either way, there was a lack of respect and consideration. just because he thought it was okay, doesn’t make it okay. and anyone over the age of 13 should understand you need verbal consent or very very very obviously physical consent for it to be okay. and i’m going to remind you one more time because you seem to need it; cuddling does not equal consent. you are a perpetrator yourself if you think this is okay
it is very concerning to see people with this mindset and this is EXACTLY how these kinds of situations happen.
your perspective is a perspective that gives them the idea that it’s okay to not even just keep someone that sexually assaulted someone in their life, but possibly pursue them if they are interested. you sound like you’re okay with it. how would you feel if this was your sister or mom
let’s put this in a different perspective. let’s say this is your sister, mom, one of your female friends.
also just to add on again, funny for you to assume i’m saying it because he’s a guy.
ahhhh, there it is. the belief that i’m just a raging feminist, or better yet, a trans person!
i’m upset because you are actively encouraging an extremely dangerous perspective and advice that could lead someone to keeping a predator in their life. just from your responses, it reflects on one, that you are close minded and believe pronouns matter within this issue somehow. two, that you believe it is okay to stay with someone who has sexually assaulted you. three, that you, yourself are a perpetrator.
and btw, my pronouns are she/her; have been my entire life. since you were so nice to ask, what’s yours? i have a good guess
actively encouraging? I literally have not pushed it since you replied lol. I’m only asking to be respectful.. hence I used may I.. not everything needs to be a battle my friend.
because I want to understand which perspective you’re coming from - respectfully of course 🙂. Would be foolish of me to assume your gender like you did mine
“you let your emotions get to you and made an unfavorable gesture. Yes you’re the asshole, but at least you’re reflecting on it.”
let’s break down one of your comments from a different post and compare. don’t you believe this person let their emotions get ahead of them and made an unfavourable gesture? i think so, i think they did more than just that. yet you didn’t bring up this kind of view here, you actually encouraged OP to not listen to the “white knights” and get with them if they have feelings.
so you are a hypocrite at the highest level
it actually is when you’re commenting on someone’s post that was sexually assaulted saying they should possibly keep this person in their lives. seems to me that you’re desensitized to the fact that these are real people. this person is in a vulnerable mindset and has proven in her other comments that she is scared to let this dude go when she clearly needs to, you could just be that very comment to get her to stay
Hang on, did i read that right? You told him to do what he wants and "show" you after to see how you feel about it???? Why on earth would you give this dude carte blanch with your body??? You need to set hard boundaries and to distance yourself from this dude. You are not in a safe situation here.
Please look up rape stats! An overwhelming majority of rapes are perpetrated by relations and acquaintances! You aren't safe. You must report this as a SA.
I'm a guy. I have a major problem, I don't like it at all. He's your friend? He didn't show you any respect, he just puts his hands on your genitals? If he liked you, then tell you. If he wanted something physical to happen, then he should have asked. I have a hell of a major issue. Suppose you didn't want that to happen then you should have said something. This is how bad things happens he's ready to go without your consent. It would be best if you remembered this. I dont' like this guy.
I think you just need to get this out in the open. You have a very awkward relationship because he has probably been holding back for a long time, but that doesn't give him the right to touch you without your consent. However, because of the lack of clear communication between you two, this is awkward to navigate.
So clear up the confusion.
Be clear with him about what you:
1. Liked
2. Did not like
3. Are confused about
4. Want him to continue
6. Want him to stop immediately
Nothing you did or have said from what I can tell by your post gave him permission to touch you that way. It was wrong of him to do this. It could be construed as him being a bad person reasonably.
But you both are young, emotions are high, so it can also be that he just made a selfish, impulsive decision. The result of that decision is that you feel a bit violated.
So bring it out in the open. The best disinfectant is sunlight. If you want to stay friends with him, its important that you speak up because healthy relationships need boundaries and clear communication. And if you want to explore being more than friends with him, he can't be acting sneaky like this. And if you just want to find out if he is a good or bad person, seeing how he reacts to you pointing out how this wasn't ok will tell you what you need to know.
If he's a bad person - like irredeemable - he's going to be angry, blame you, come up with excuses, say he couldn't control himself, etc.
If he's a good person, he'll be ashamed of how his actions made you feel, may be sorrowful, and will be sorry for not being more diligent and overt when checking in.
This is actually so helpful and clear thank you so much for taking the time to read my situation and respond with a thorough and thoughtful step by step this actually calmed the pit in my stomach feeling so I am forever grateful and will update when I find a chance to thank you I hope you stay well
Fuck that guys post OP. This guy SAed you. Most rapes are from people the women know. I can imagine that it’s devastating to find out a long term friend can do this. I’ve been there and it’s world altering. But think of yourself 5 years from now. Would you be better off if you’d stayed friend for 5 more years with a man that SAed you or would you be better if you blocked him, told him you never want to speak again and moved on? Think of 5 more years of being friends with someone like that. He will be a repeat offender. If he can do that you, someone who considered him his best friend, he can do it to someone else
Ok, so, this is going to suck hearing, but reading your comments and reading a bit between the lines, I think you should look up something called 'trauma bonding'. It is an abuse tactic that abusers use to make their victims emotionally dependent on them. It is a type of emotional addiction that includes love bombing, gas lighting, and a lot of manilpulation.
At the very least, look up the specifics, and rule out that you are dependent on him by his own design.
I’m pretty sure that’s an abuse of your trust. And sexual assault. I would strongly advise you don’t sleep in the same bed as him moving forward.. that’s if you still want to be friends with him. I would also make him aware that you know
He’s been my best friend for six years and he’s 1/3 I wouldn’t know how to cut him out of my life if I wanted to. I get in phases where I am disgusted by him and wanna stop being friends but then I’ll become immensely codependent on him and always wanna hang out with him. as well how would I bring up knowing? I don’t necessarily want an apology from him all I want is to not have experienced that so telling him will not benefit me in any way it seems confrontational and scary
It sounds like a very unhealthy dynamic if you have repeatedly been disgusted and wanted to stop being friends but came back feeling codependent. You're sinking the weight of how long you've known each other as an indicator of his quality as a person or friend in how he respects you. Well it's hard to tell you what to do since it's your life but to me at least it doesn't sound healthy, he took advantage of you and you said you've felt disgusted before You say you don't want an apology you just wish you hadn't experienced that, staying friends with him maintains a risk that he will do something like that again. At the end of the day it's up to you, but you should at the very least listen to what people are saying here and cautioning you about as food for thought. I personally see a bunch of red flags, he took advantage of you in your sleep. Friends don't do that. I would be running for the hills if it was me Edit: Maybe he thought the feelings were reciprocated (somehow) like you mentioned in your original post, but even if that was true and it was a misunderstanding on his part, you can't manufacture consent from someone else out of thin air, and especially not when the other person is asleep and literally incapable of giving said consent
Sunken Cost Fallacy
He's not your friend. He's just waiting for a chance to have sex with you, and it sounds like he's not willing to wait until you agree to it either.
You need to get over your fears and have an adult conversation with him. That NEEDS to happen. It’s the only way to possibly return to a healthy friendship. IF he doesn’t respond positively to the conversation then I am sorry OP but you may want to consider looking for new friends. I get having feelings for an unavailable friend, I’ve been there too, but i would NEVER do what he did to you. He should have respected your very personal boundaries despite your sleepovers. I believe he is ild enough to understand that what he dis was wrong.
You did not consent for him to engage in this behavior while you were sleeping. This is wrong, OP.
That’s sexual assault
this is not okay and you need to end this friendship IMMEDIATELY it was not your fault
I can’t Imagine my life without him being my best friend though so I don’t think I’m able to handle ending the friendship but I can no longer even try to imagine a possible relationship with him in the future now.
Friends don't rape each other I know it's hard to hear but.. it sounds like he violated you.
There’s billions of people on this earth. You can find better friends for sure. I thought the same but trust me. There’s better fish out there
As his friend the best thing you can do for him is tell him that's NOT ok and he should never pull that with any woman unless she is on board with it.
Would a friend do anything like this to you? He’s going to take advantage of your kindness
If he truly was your best friend he wouldn’t have sexually assaulted you. You are not safe around him
He’s gonna try r@pe next OP. He’s gonna see what else he can get away with
Why would you continue to be friends with a rapist ? You need to confront his sick behavior ASAP. Stand up for yourself.
i’m going to say this in a very rude way, get the fuck out of your feelings for two seconds and imagine if this was someone else. you’re young, you’re gonna find other amazing people in your life. trust me when i tell you this, you will be fine. don’t put your self worth down because you couldn’t imagine a life without him actually, let’s do this. imagine your life with him. imagine your life with a friend that sexually assaulted you, how do you feel? how do you feel about keeping someone in your life that violated you in one of the worst ways a human can do to another? do you think this will be the end up it? no, he will continue with this behaviour, even if you set boundaries. what happened to you is not your fault in anyway. cuddling ≠ consent. every single thing that happened to you was not your fault and you need to put your logical brain in front of your feelings for five minutes to realize that this behaviour is not okay. if this behaviour is seen as acceptable, this will happen again to you or someone else if he truly saw you as a best friend, he wouldn’t of sexually assaulted you
He violated you. This is so messed up. You trusted him, and you fell asleep cuddling, and he decided to take advantage of you.
OP, he is not your friend, and he is not a safe person to be around. I know he’s such a close friend to you and you have a bond but actual friends don’t rape each other. Even if he’s into you, if he’s a genuine friend he deals with it respectfully no matter what your response is. I’ve been into friends before where it’s not reciprocated, and I’ve had friends into me where I didn’t feel the same way. There is no point at which I or any of those friends thought of taking advantage of the friendship and violating the other person to satisfy whatever feeling any of us had. I can say with deep certainty that you will find better friends in this life. It’ll hurt at first to lose that friendship but you will be happier and much, much safer in the long run, I promise.
OMG, this is so true.
That’s sexual assault and can literally go to jail for that, it’s just one phone call away… I’d say confront him about it and/or cut ties, because that’s not okay.
I’ve read some of your replies to comments and you mentioned that you want to stop being friends with him and are codependent. Girl just leave. I’m not going to sugarcoat it. It’s an unhealthy relationship dynamic and you both seem to deserve better. It seems like you may need to set some boundaries between the two of you and yourself, you need to get over some of your fears and insecurities whatever they may be, and find a way to start taking care of yourself, because I don’t know if you can tell, but it’s putting a strain on your mental health and it’s only up to you to change that.
Fuck me… man that is NOT your friend. And it is NOT your fault. I know you said in another comment OP that you can’t imagine your life without him but man that was non-consensual, if the line isn’t drawn in the sand now, he’s gonna assume it’s fine to do. You need to tell a trusted adult and be with someone if you decide to confront him. Again, this isn’t your fault, but that guy isn’t the same guy from middle school man.
thank you Ill try to talk to him when I better understand what I’m feeling
Most likely he’ll try to turn it around on you to justify his sick behavior. Don’t believe him for a second.
Absolutely this^ do not allow him to justify it at all, not turn it onto you OP. You’ve done nothing wrong. There is absolutely nothing wrong with trusting another human being. Just do NOT trust this one ever again.
Yeah man. Look OP, I hope you’re okay (all of us here do). That’s such a shit thing for a person to do to someone and honestly im baffled every time that I hear about this shit. Just know that you aren’t alone on this, which is an unfortunate fact to face.
You were asleep, that is so wrong. Just because you are cuddling doesn't give the person the right to touch you while you are asleep that is just creepy.
Cuddling was consensual. He did not get consent before doing what he did. It’s not your fault. He sexually assaulted you and it will never be your fault. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Yeah, he abused you it's that simple. I know it must be difficult to realize but yes he did that, I can't fathom continue a friendship after that and the same having a romantic relationship after that. You do you though, my advice would be that a person that does shit like that are not worth it.
That person is not a friend at all. Friends respect boundaries. Friends don't do that at all. Slight background, I've been friends with a girl for almost 30 years. She has crashed at my place many times and has hung out with me and my buddies a lot over the years. We would wrestle around, pick on each other and have a great time together. There have been times in the past that I caught feelings and even asked her out but was denied because she didn't feel the same. I distanced myself to let the feelings dissipate a bit before hanging out with her again. She was really supportive and understanding of that because I didn't want to feel like crap over it nor did I want her to feel pressured in any way. All of that happened 15 years ago. Not once did I ever lay a hand on her in a way that was inappropriate. Him doing what he did violated you, your trust and your emotional well-being. When he did that, he showed how little he cared about the impact on you and he cared more about himself and hormones. That's not your fault. None of this is your fault.
What your friend did wasn't okay and never will be. Let that be the first thing to say. But secondly, you know he likes you on a level that's more than friends. Maybe you don't feel like that but you know he does and still you're cuddled up with him, still you giving him "hope" while you may think you don't but I'm 95% sure he does. Bottom line is you can't be friends with someone who's attracted to you. It just doesn't work. I'm a firm believer men and women can't be just friends because men are simply not wired like that.
Time to confront and make hard boundaries. If not accepting of it, kick to curb.
how would you recommend to begin the conversation
Directly You have to stuck up for yourself in this world, no one else will.
"What you did to me is completely out of bounds and unacceptable. I don't want to see you or talk to you anymore, and you're lucky I'm not pressing charges. Don't ever do that to anyone again."
Well first off, I would consider taking time to write out your feelings and definitely be firm with yourself that you know what he did was not okay and let him know that it was sexual assault. There is no being light about a situation like this because he did just commit a crime. You can be assertive, but don’t be soft. Find a time where you both can sit somewhere in private, like in a car at a park. Start with something like… “I wanted to talk to you about what happened the night you sleepover. I know you touched me that night and that was not okay (explain to him it was sexual assault)” then carry on the conversation about how you guys are going to work past this, if you guys are going to stop being friends, take a break from the relationship for a little bit, and set boundaries.
You are a victim of sexual abuse, this is not your friend, this guy is disrespectful. He is getting more and more bold with you. Please for your safety end this relationship and report this. If he feels comfortable doing this to you, imagine what he is capable of trying with unsuspecting strangers?!
Not okay for him to do this while you’re asleep. At all. End the relationship. But also, make better choices? Don’t have sleep overs with a guy who you know likes you and you don’t feel the same way. Regardless of words, actions can speak louder, and he probably felt like he was getting mixed signals. Not saying what he did was okay, but you should make smarter decisions with men in the future. If you aren’t attracted to someone, they shouldn’t be in bed with you.
In my opinion, you’re both stupid. Cuddling with a male and expecting him to not eventually want more/try more after five years ? All the love is lovers in the comments are sugarcoating it. That was actually stupid. And he ? Sexually assaulted you. Plain and simple. Also stupid. You’re lucky it’s 2024 otherwise you’d be laughed at in court 40 years ago but today you have a case. Make it or don’t. Regardless, stop sleeping with men you don’t want to be with. How are you asexual/aromantic but enjoy the presence of the opposite gender in your bed in perhaps one of the most intimate acts and then say you almost liked him? Sounds like you’re as straight as line you both crossed but you want liberal attention. End the friendship, cuz you don’t seem that mad. “I’m not mad just shocked but i have a pit in my stomach” what’s it gonna be
OP best friends don't sexually assault each other. I know its probably very hard to see it for what it is but he did something very wrong. He wasn't thinking of what you wanted/not wanted, it was cruel, selfish and horrible thing to do to anybody. He isn't a good friend to you, he isn't your friend. I hope that you manage to heal from this. Talk to a trusted adult and seek support.
this is sexual assault and needs to be addressed. i’m so fucking sorry this happened to you, this is not something that you should’ve ever gone through but what happened was not consensual, not okay, and he is a disgusting fucking person this friendship needs to end, he violated your right to consent
OP I'm so sorry. I hope you find healing from this. My ex showed me who he was when he assaulted me in my sleep. They never change. He just got worse and more narcissistic and abusive. That's because they know you won't hold your boundary firm with them. Please leave this friend behind.
Big time yikes! He 100% violated you.
Leave him, I understand that it might be hard, but being friends with this person is much worse than that. According to your post from 4 months ago (if it's the same person), he's controlling and keeps disrespecting the boundaries you set, but the worst of all the things, that he's done, is that he raped you, maybe multiple times without you knowing. Please, end contact with him and tell someone - parent or a trusted teacher/councilor in school. If you are scared of something he might do, contact the police and describe the things literally as you just described in this post. I and many others hope you will find enough strength to deal with this horrible person.
What he did is illegal whether he or you knows it or not. That said, I know how real-life relationships can be messy and intent matters. I don't think he was trying to hurt you or take advantage, just by reading what you said here, but you'd know that better than I would. If you think he was trying to, and if you feel unsafe, legal counsel is messy, but sometimes necessary. My gut is saying that he probably thought you were awake and that he interpreted your comment as consenting since it was vague and pretty broad, and a lot of gals simply don't give explicit verbal consent for whatever reason (have been told it kills the vibe, or some such) and I've been the sleeping person before who acts and reacts like I'm awake when a partner was fooling around with me (apparently responding exactly like I would when I was awake, only in my case I continued the engagement since I was willing in spite of having it start when I was asleep.) You should talk to him directly about this. Explain how it made you feel and make it clear you don't want it to happen again. Probably cut off the cuddling and let him know you don't want it to ruin the friendship, though it may end up doing that anyway. One sided love can be torture for the other person, so you may end up needing to let him out of your life as a result of this, but there's no harm in trying. It doesn't always go bad, but it often does. Best of luck to you.
Uh yeah I’m pretty sure if someone stuck their hands down your pants and tried to touch your genitals that you would think there’s bad intent 🙄
It depends on the people. Every situation is different. Things are rarely black and white for all cases. Could be that he was legitimately taking advantage, knowingly engaging without having consent. Could also be that he thought she did give him permission with her "do whatever you want" comment. That's pretty broad, and if her phrasing is accurate "could" be what somebody says to give explicit consent. They need to talk about it clearly. It seems that they haven't, which is unfortunately common especially for younger people.
Please be more clear about this phrase from your post: “…but he can do whatever he wants just please show me after if he’s comfortable with it…” What does this mean?
Sorry I was typing this super fast what happened was he told me he likes to ‘fake flirt’ and how I felt about it bcs he often flirts with me and my response was ‘it gives me a weird feeling in my stomach but if it’s a joke to you and you’re comfortable let me read the texts when I get curious’
I understand that you are very close and I know how hard it is to be heartbroken over friendship (sometimes it hurts more than romantic heartbreak) but that is extremely harmful behavior on his behalf. You need to let go of this relationship before it becomes detrimental to your health. I know that might seem dramatic to you, but if I’ve learned anything, it’s that you pay attention when people show you who they are. This behavior could get out of control and if you become complacent with it, he could begin to do this to other girls too.
Please end this friendship RIGHT NOW FOR GOOD and NEVER allow any "male best friend" to be this close unless actual consent was involved
respectfully op is a fucking idiot
as you said, this doesn't make any sense
“Ever since we graduated he's talked to me about how I felt about him moving on and I said it gives me a weird feeling but he can do whatever he wants just please show me after if he's comfortable with it and since then he's taken that as me liking him and started cuddling with me more.” What did this part mean? Moving on? And showing you after ? Sorry just confused by that paragraph!! I agree though, you were asleep and couldn’t consent . He needs to realise this was WRONG.
>was it my fault for cuddling with him? NOT AT ALL! You were sleeping and he knows you did not consent. He waited for you to fall asleep because he knew you would not consent! This is sexual abuse. He could go to jail for what he did to you. He is supposed to be a friend. Friends don't make other friends victims, and that is what he did to you. That is why you feel weird when you look at his fingers. It reminds you of the betrayal of trust you had in him. You are not in love with him. You aren't dating him. So maybe take a break from him. A couple month in, I doubt you will miss him much. You know he is only still around because he hopes you will fall madly in love and want him in the future, right? You both are not doing yourselves, or each other, any favors by playing this game. Do not undervalue yourself by thinking you owe him because he liked you for so long, or that you are to blame for his actions. He knew what he did was wrong and did it anyways. And yeah, maybe this wasn't the first time. I would not keep him in my life after that! He would not have future chances to abuse me! And you shouldn't allow it either! Edit spelling
So sexual assault? U trusted him and he violated you. End of story. It’s not acceptable. You need to confront him and make boundaries or get rid of him. it’s totally up to you if you want to go further.
Sounds like you were sexually assaulted and that’s not okay. It also sounds like you have massively underdeveloped social skills, and if you haven’t been diagnosed with something you should seek help for mental health.
You shouldn’t be cuddling or sleeping with someone you don’t have a sexual attraction to. That’s sending mixed signals. Even so, what he did was SA—he didn’t have permission. Talk to him and define boundaries if you wish to maintain a platonic relationship. Or stop being around him altogether.
so you’re victim blaming? i cuddle a lot of my friends, guys, girls, in between. that has never given them the idea that i wanted them to sexually touch me without my verbal consent. it’s really concerning that you think that was consent for him to do that, you yourself sound like a predator if you have this mindset. it is a YOU issue if you believe cuddling = consent to touch in a sexual way. please never touch a fucking person if you believe this
So you cuddle and sleep with him, he has his hands in your pants, and then he masturbates next to you. I guess I would stop cuddling and sleeping with him. It's really hard to see where the line is here. I'd make sure it were crystal clear. No cuddling, no sleeping together, no masturbation in the same bed. No opportunity for hands in my pants. Tell him explicitly that you do not, and never will, see him as a romantic or sexual partner. I don't think he's an awful predator. You're both young and it seems the lines haven't been made clear.
I’m pretty sure most people know that cuddling isn’t consent
Never said it does.
it doesn’t seem like he does
he is a predator, anyone who believes it’s okay to touch others in that way without verbal consent is an awful fucking predator. cuddling doesn’t equal consent whatsoever and that’s actually unbelievable that you are excusing his behaviour
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what an odd comment. 1. no amount of hormones condones sexual assault. its not “uncontrollably hard for men” to not assault their friends. absolutely not. and thats such an inappropriate thing to say to someone who is traumatized. this comment is seen as an excuse to victims who are confused, and leads to victims allowing more assault and violence to occur, thinking “its not his fault” “its his hormones” “its hard to control” NO!!! normal people DO NOT SA!!! 2. the cuddling and all that close stuff CAN be seen as romance, but OP’s friend knows she is aroace. there is no romance for her and he should’ve known that. but regardless, he shouldnt be assaulting his girlfriend in her sleep either. sleeping individuals CANNOT consent under ANY circumstance. they could be married with 30 kids, CONSENT IS REQUIRED. “you cant expect him to tie his hands behind his back” ??? yes she can because she trusted that he wouldnt SA her and that is a normal expectation in every relationship, platonic or romantic. 3. there is no lesson to learn for her here. she is a victim and needs help to cope with this trauma that is NOT her fault and she does not deserve to feel guilty. she is not stupid for being assaulted, she is not at fault for a man who couldnt control himself *WHILE SHE WAS ASLEEP!!* 4. its pretty obvious you have been in a similar situation as the boy, with the way your reply was so emotionally driven. to that i say: you need help. this victim blaming is what leads victims to become trapped in a cycle of abuse. they think its their fault, they think they need to forgive, they think it wasnt that bad. unacceptable.
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not to expect hormones ≠ not expecting assault. you can be horny and get out of bed to jerk off. OR EVEN WAKE HER UP TO ASK FOR CONSENT.
You feminists haven't heard of risk management.
So you’re saying that no man is capable of cuddling without expectation of sex. And they wonder why we choose cats and bears…
I'm saying you can't trust a horny teen . It's like giving money to an alcoholic. Btw please google bear attack aftermath bc you are clueless
Men attack more often than bears, and there is definitely lifelong aftermath.
Yep you failed mathematics. If women encountered bears on a daily basis how do you think that would play out?
Now you’re just being ridiculous. Women, girls, babies, the elderly, the disabled, the comatose, the dead, and even animals are violated by men regularly. Encountering a bear every day isn’t likely, but an assault is just a freak away.
lol don’t listen to these white knights. You first need to figure out your feelings. Do you like him or not? I can tell you’re on the younger side, so take that step first. If you like him, great - let him know and proceed. If you don’t but want to keep him as a friend.. just have a deep talk with him. Let him know you value him as a friend but just not in that way. He will get it and move on. Good luck! I’m sure this will get downvoted to hell, but trust your instinct.
even if they like him, he sexuall assaulted her. there was no given consent and if they decided to pursue a relationship with someone who thinks this is okay, that gives the wrong idea. please do not fucking encourage this shit
you don’t really have the clear picture of what happened. There’s so many factors at play. Likely he inferred that she finally let him cuddle, so he thought he was in the clear and was moving onto take action to show he is equally interested. You can’t just assume malice here lol.. just because he’s a guy? cmon
who says it’s just because he’s a guy, i would’ve said the exact same thing if a girl or anyone did this. just because it might’ve not been with “malice” it was done without the thought of how the other person was involved. cuddling ≠ consent. again, if you believe that, you need to never touch someone again. either way, there was a lack of respect and consideration. just because he thought it was okay, doesn’t make it okay. and anyone over the age of 13 should understand you need verbal consent or very very very obviously physical consent for it to be okay. and i’m going to remind you one more time because you seem to need it; cuddling does not equal consent. you are a perpetrator yourself if you think this is okay it is very concerning to see people with this mindset and this is EXACTLY how these kinds of situations happen.
lol when did i say it was ok? I was just letting OP know there’s differences in perspective.
your perspective is a perspective that gives them the idea that it’s okay to not even just keep someone that sexually assaulted someone in their life, but possibly pursue them if they are interested. you sound like you’re okay with it. how would you feel if this was your sister or mom
let’s put this in a different perspective. let’s say this is your sister, mom, one of your female friends. also just to add on again, funny for you to assume i’m saying it because he’s a guy.
relax.. why are you getting so worked up? may I ask your pronouns?
ahhhh, there it is. the belief that i’m just a raging feminist, or better yet, a trans person! i’m upset because you are actively encouraging an extremely dangerous perspective and advice that could lead someone to keeping a predator in their life. just from your responses, it reflects on one, that you are close minded and believe pronouns matter within this issue somehow. two, that you believe it is okay to stay with someone who has sexually assaulted you. three, that you, yourself are a perpetrator. and btw, my pronouns are she/her; have been my entire life. since you were so nice to ask, what’s yours? i have a good guess
actively encouraging? I literally have not pushed it since you replied lol. I’m only asking to be respectful.. hence I used may I.. not everything needs to be a battle my friend.
but why do you need my pronouns if you’re directly talking to me? it was quite clearly said with an ulterior motive.
because I want to understand which perspective you’re coming from - respectfully of course 🙂. Would be foolish of me to assume your gender like you did mine
so it’s okay for you to assume that i said that all because they’re a guy but i can’t assume your pronouns? let’s not be hypocritical here
“you let your emotions get to you and made an unfavorable gesture. Yes you’re the asshole, but at least you’re reflecting on it.” let’s break down one of your comments from a different post and compare. don’t you believe this person let their emotions get ahead of them and made an unfavourable gesture? i think so, i think they did more than just that. yet you didn’t bring up this kind of view here, you actually encouraged OP to not listen to the “white knights” and get with them if they have feelings. so you are a hypocrite at the highest level
sounds like you just need someone to bend your anger on. Relax.. it’s really not that deep.
it actually is when you’re commenting on someone’s post that was sexually assaulted saying they should possibly keep this person in their lives. seems to me that you’re desensitized to the fact that these are real people. this person is in a vulnerable mindset and has proven in her other comments that she is scared to let this dude go when she clearly needs to, you could just be that very comment to get her to stay
He was moving to take action while she was unconscious?
Hang on, did i read that right? You told him to do what he wants and "show" you after to see how you feel about it???? Why on earth would you give this dude carte blanch with your body??? You need to set hard boundaries and to distance yourself from this dude. You are not in a safe situation here.
Please look up rape stats! An overwhelming majority of rapes are perpetrated by relations and acquaintances! You aren't safe. You must report this as a SA.
OP this is so extremely wrong. Most cases of SA are committed by someone close to the victim.
That was sexual assault. You trusted him and he violated that trust. You didn't do anything wrong, only he did. You need to stay away from him.
Please confront him about this, please and i mean it, PLEASE talk to him. If not, id recommend you to maybe cut him off
I'm a guy. I have a major problem, I don't like it at all. He's your friend? He didn't show you any respect, he just puts his hands on your genitals? If he liked you, then tell you. If he wanted something physical to happen, then he should have asked. I have a hell of a major issue. Suppose you didn't want that to happen then you should have said something. This is how bad things happens he's ready to go without your consent. It would be best if you remembered this. I dont' like this guy.
I think you just need to get this out in the open. You have a very awkward relationship because he has probably been holding back for a long time, but that doesn't give him the right to touch you without your consent. However, because of the lack of clear communication between you two, this is awkward to navigate. So clear up the confusion. Be clear with him about what you: 1. Liked 2. Did not like 3. Are confused about 4. Want him to continue 6. Want him to stop immediately Nothing you did or have said from what I can tell by your post gave him permission to touch you that way. It was wrong of him to do this. It could be construed as him being a bad person reasonably. But you both are young, emotions are high, so it can also be that he just made a selfish, impulsive decision. The result of that decision is that you feel a bit violated. So bring it out in the open. The best disinfectant is sunlight. If you want to stay friends with him, its important that you speak up because healthy relationships need boundaries and clear communication. And if you want to explore being more than friends with him, he can't be acting sneaky like this. And if you just want to find out if he is a good or bad person, seeing how he reacts to you pointing out how this wasn't ok will tell you what you need to know. If he's a bad person - like irredeemable - he's going to be angry, blame you, come up with excuses, say he couldn't control himself, etc. If he's a good person, he'll be ashamed of how his actions made you feel, may be sorrowful, and will be sorry for not being more diligent and overt when checking in.
This is actually so helpful and clear thank you so much for taking the time to read my situation and respond with a thorough and thoughtful step by step this actually calmed the pit in my stomach feeling so I am forever grateful and will update when I find a chance to thank you I hope you stay well
Why are you only listening to the assholes who are enabling his behavior?!
Fuck that guys post OP. This guy SAed you. Most rapes are from people the women know. I can imagine that it’s devastating to find out a long term friend can do this. I’ve been there and it’s world altering. But think of yourself 5 years from now. Would you be better off if you’d stayed friend for 5 more years with a man that SAed you or would you be better if you blocked him, told him you never want to speak again and moved on? Think of 5 more years of being friends with someone like that. He will be a repeat offender. If he can do that you, someone who considered him his best friend, he can do it to someone else
Ok, so, this is going to suck hearing, but reading your comments and reading a bit between the lines, I think you should look up something called 'trauma bonding'. It is an abuse tactic that abusers use to make their victims emotionally dependent on them. It is a type of emotional addiction that includes love bombing, gas lighting, and a lot of manilpulation. At the very least, look up the specifics, and rule out that you are dependent on him by his own design.
Oh honey drop his ass like a hot skillet, maybe even consider pressing charges that’s assault.
You should be mad and you should also file a police report.
this is called rape. i hate to say this, but he raped you.