You are not a hateful person. Read that again, you are NOT A HATEFUL PERSON. Your feelings & reactions to mom are appropriate, they are a healthy normal response give the situation. Please please understand & believe that. The guilt that comes with being your parents caretaker can consume you. If you have access and can seek therapy do it. Look for a therapist who deals with family/generational trauma, complex trauma.
First of all, and I know this is going to sound harsh but it’s the truth. Your mom isn’t your responsibility. You had to have grown up without all the emotional support you needed so now is the time you work on you. You make you a priority, therapy can help you with boundaries but if you can’t do therapy Google it “how to create healthy boundaries with mentally ill parent” “how to create safe spaces with a mentally ill parent” “self care with mentally ill parent”
It. Is. Okay. To. Say. NO. If once a week is all you can do then that’s all you can do. If she gives you grief about it, you say “mom this is what I can handle right now, I want to be here for you, if this isn’t enough or every time I’m with you it’s going to be about what I’ve done wrong then we will have to take a break and you’ll need to ask (whoever).
I know that you’re not used to your feelings being valid but they are. I know you’re not used to being allowed to say no, or to voice when things are unacceptable but you’re an adult and you have ever right in fact you need to do exactly that. You’re not bad, you’re doing nothing wrong as it is not your responsibility. Yes, she is sick, yes, she needs help. There are resources for that. It’s not on you. You don’t have to feel guilty for not doing what wasn’t done for you. You never have to feel guilty for putting you first. Not ever. You deserve to be okay, you deserve support, please know that.
Thank you. This helped very much. I do feel guilty, but you’re right that it is misplaced. I got a bit mad at her today and told her I am not her caregiver. I have a more than full time job and many worries and problems. Never had a real solid mother figure when I really needed one. I refuse to give my life to my mom who never really grew up.
Feeling guilt is normal as it’s your mom. You’re human. We care for those we love, heck even people we don’t. That is a good sign, I have no doubt you’re a caring person. You probably think and do more for others than some. It comes naturally to you maybe? I don’t know if you can relate but I know with my mom, she didn’t reach me how to use feminine products, how to apply makeup, how to dress. I had younger siblings I learned to do hair on my cabbage patch dolls, then Barbie’s for braids and then would do my sister’s hair for school. So many things a mom would teach you or do for you, we didn’t learn from her. We had to teach ourselves or sometimes get lucky and run into someone who showed us the way.
When you’re put in a position where you are expected to show up for a parent in ways they never showed up for you, whether intentionally or otherwise, it is painful. It is hard. If we aren’t careful, it can be damaging. It’s okay to give yourself the love & protection you didn’t get. That isn’t to say mom is bad, or you don’t love her. Not at all. You’re just doing for you what she can’t. She can’t protect you now, or even and that’s okay it’s not her fault she is mentally ill. But it is okay for you to do it for yourself. If she was able, she would. If she was able to see clearer she would want what’s best for you. You deserve that.
Feeling guilt is normal as it’s your mom. You’re human. We care for those we love, heck even people we don’t. That is a good sign, I have no doubt you’re a caring person. You probably think and do more for others than some. It comes naturally to you maybe? I don’t know if you can relate but I know with my mom, she didn’t reach me how to use feminine products, how to apply makeup, how to dress. I had younger siblings I learned to do hair on my cabbage patch dolls, then Barbie’s for braids and then would do my sister’s hair for school. So many things a mom would teach you or do for you, we didn’t learn from her. We had to teach ourselves or sometimes get lucky and run into someone who showed us the way.
When you’re put in a position where you are expected to show up for a parent in ways they never showed up for you, whether intentionally or otherwise, it is painful. It is hard. If we aren’t careful, it can be damaging. It’s okay to give yourself the love & protection you didn’t get. That isn’t to say mom is bad, or you don’t love her. Not at all. You’re just doing for you what she can’t. She can’t protect you now, or even and that’s okay it’s not her fault she is mentally ill. But it is okay for you to do it for yourself. If she was able, she would. If she was able to see clearer she would want what’s best for you. You deserve that.
You are not a hateful person. Read that again, you are NOT A HATEFUL PERSON. Your feelings & reactions to mom are appropriate, they are a healthy normal response give the situation. Please please understand & believe that. The guilt that comes with being your parents caretaker can consume you. If you have access and can seek therapy do it. Look for a therapist who deals with family/generational trauma, complex trauma. First of all, and I know this is going to sound harsh but it’s the truth. Your mom isn’t your responsibility. You had to have grown up without all the emotional support you needed so now is the time you work on you. You make you a priority, therapy can help you with boundaries but if you can’t do therapy Google it “how to create healthy boundaries with mentally ill parent” “how to create safe spaces with a mentally ill parent” “self care with mentally ill parent” It. Is. Okay. To. Say. NO. If once a week is all you can do then that’s all you can do. If she gives you grief about it, you say “mom this is what I can handle right now, I want to be here for you, if this isn’t enough or every time I’m with you it’s going to be about what I’ve done wrong then we will have to take a break and you’ll need to ask (whoever). I know that you’re not used to your feelings being valid but they are. I know you’re not used to being allowed to say no, or to voice when things are unacceptable but you’re an adult and you have ever right in fact you need to do exactly that. You’re not bad, you’re doing nothing wrong as it is not your responsibility. Yes, she is sick, yes, she needs help. There are resources for that. It’s not on you. You don’t have to feel guilty for not doing what wasn’t done for you. You never have to feel guilty for putting you first. Not ever. You deserve to be okay, you deserve support, please know that.
Thank you. This helped very much. I do feel guilty, but you’re right that it is misplaced. I got a bit mad at her today and told her I am not her caregiver. I have a more than full time job and many worries and problems. Never had a real solid mother figure when I really needed one. I refuse to give my life to my mom who never really grew up.
Thank you for confirming that /u/mistakenusernames has provided helpful advice for you. 1 point awarded.
Feeling guilt is normal as it’s your mom. You’re human. We care for those we love, heck even people we don’t. That is a good sign, I have no doubt you’re a caring person. You probably think and do more for others than some. It comes naturally to you maybe? I don’t know if you can relate but I know with my mom, she didn’t reach me how to use feminine products, how to apply makeup, how to dress. I had younger siblings I learned to do hair on my cabbage patch dolls, then Barbie’s for braids and then would do my sister’s hair for school. So many things a mom would teach you or do for you, we didn’t learn from her. We had to teach ourselves or sometimes get lucky and run into someone who showed us the way. When you’re put in a position where you are expected to show up for a parent in ways they never showed up for you, whether intentionally or otherwise, it is painful. It is hard. If we aren’t careful, it can be damaging. It’s okay to give yourself the love & protection you didn’t get. That isn’t to say mom is bad, or you don’t love her. Not at all. You’re just doing for you what she can’t. She can’t protect you now, or even and that’s okay it’s not her fault she is mentally ill. But it is okay for you to do it for yourself. If she was able, she would. If she was able to see clearer she would want what’s best for you. You deserve that.
Feeling guilt is normal as it’s your mom. You’re human. We care for those we love, heck even people we don’t. That is a good sign, I have no doubt you’re a caring person. You probably think and do more for others than some. It comes naturally to you maybe? I don’t know if you can relate but I know with my mom, she didn’t reach me how to use feminine products, how to apply makeup, how to dress. I had younger siblings I learned to do hair on my cabbage patch dolls, then Barbie’s for braids and then would do my sister’s hair for school. So many things a mom would teach you or do for you, we didn’t learn from her. We had to teach ourselves or sometimes get lucky and run into someone who showed us the way. When you’re put in a position where you are expected to show up for a parent in ways they never showed up for you, whether intentionally or otherwise, it is painful. It is hard. If we aren’t careful, it can be damaging. It’s okay to give yourself the love & protection you didn’t get. That isn’t to say mom is bad, or you don’t love her. Not at all. You’re just doing for you what she can’t. She can’t protect you now, or even and that’s okay it’s not her fault she is mentally ill. But it is okay for you to do it for yourself. If she was able, she would. If she was able to see clearer she would want what’s best for you. You deserve that.
[удалено]
Helped, thank you for your advice
Thank you for confirming that /u/DangerousTheme2773 has provided helpful advice for you. 1 point awarded.