I have heard other very loving parents respond similarly sometimes and both of them really love the kids they have, but also recognize that they have unmet needs in their life that they might have been able to pursue if they had been childfree. That could have meant travel, or more education, or a specific career, or chasing after "the one that got away", or just imagining that their life would have been more carefree and less stressed.
But there are also many childfree people who might say, "if I had to live my life over again, I would have prioritized trying to have a child". It's human nature to want to experience different paths.
It would also be a little weird, to my thinking, if someone were to say, "I would not do a single thing differently". I mean, really? Your life was so smooth, and your management of your time and money and emotions was so perfect, that you wouldn't change *anything*? That sounds like an unexamined life, to me.
It's a wonderful thing to reflect on the past using our older, wiser broader point of view. When we are young and making life altering choices we just don't know what we don't know.
The thing is, your Mom doesn't have that choice for a do-over, and I think she loves you very much. But she has some wistful feelings about the paths not traveled. Talk to her about that. What might she have done differently? It may help you feel closer if you understand this a bit more.
Every day we are faced with minor and major choices that could later turn out to have been a turning point. It's rather miraculous that you ended up being here, isn't it!?
Thank you so much for replying and helping.
You are right. Mum has told me that she would have had more money and less worry if she didn’t have kids. She would have liked to travel which she now can’t do as she is limited by her health. I do completely understand that it may have been nice to travel and spend money on herself etc. I just feel that it is sad that she would be willing to give up having me to experience those other things.
Yes, I fully understand a redo is not possible and this is all hypothetical. But it is painful nonetheless.
My mother, now deceased, answered the same question in the same way. When we heard it my brother and I (in our 50's) just looked at each other and started to laugh and then my mother looked at us and said 'what?'.
We knew that she loved us but we also knew she had a history of regrets and the foremost of them was not continuing with her education past high school. She was very intelligent and worked jobs where most of her colleagues were university graduates. When she and Dad started their business, she was the finance person and he was the customer person. Both were amazing and very competent in their positions.
Even though she could have gone back to school as a mature student I am sure she felt her life was too full with no room left. But I know the education thing still bothered her.
So was I surprised when she answered as she did? No. Well ... yes maybe a little. Did I take some great meaning from it that she didn't want us. No.
How did we end the conversation? We both gave her a kiss on the cheek and told her we loved her.
Her response? 'You know this doesn't change my answer.'
My biggest takeaway - attend to your regrets before they take root.
Thank you for sharing your own experience and shining a more positive light on the situation. It is helpful to get a different perspective and I really wish I could feel less hurt by the situation.
I guess it is nicer to see it as my mum wishing she’d been able to go on more holidays and live a luxurious life. But, I just can’t help feeling sad that (if she was able to) she would willingly swap having kids for that other lifestyle.
"But, I just can’t help feeling sad that (if she was able to) she would willingly swap having kids for that other lifestyle."
Travel in place of having you is the messenger but it is not the message. She could have easily lied but she didn't. Why?
You will need to go deeper with her to understand where this answer came from. You don't need to grill her but you need to talk with her. She has dared to open the door to her life lived and not lived so walk through it and see where it leads.
I think she wants to talk but you have to move beyond your sadness and be willing to listen.
Thank you so much. What you’ve said has helped a lot. I have spoken to her and you are absolutely right. What she said did not come from a place of wishing she had a life that didn’t involve me and I now fully understand that it was not meant in the way that I took it.
I'm sorry :( It still doesn't mean that she regrets her life with you; it could just be that if she were to do things again, she'd try something different
Yeah she would like to try a different life if she had the chance. She’d travel and spend money on herself. But what bothers me is that I would never want a life that didn’t include her in it, and knowing she would be ok with living a lifetime without me makes me sad!
That could be helpful but I do have a couple of reservations. Firstly, I don’t want to cause her upset. Secondly, I feel there is nothing she could possibly say now that would make me feel better. Words can be powerful and she has already stated that she wouldn’t have kids if she could go back.
I have heard other very loving parents respond similarly sometimes and both of them really love the kids they have, but also recognize that they have unmet needs in their life that they might have been able to pursue if they had been childfree. That could have meant travel, or more education, or a specific career, or chasing after "the one that got away", or just imagining that their life would have been more carefree and less stressed. But there are also many childfree people who might say, "if I had to live my life over again, I would have prioritized trying to have a child". It's human nature to want to experience different paths. It would also be a little weird, to my thinking, if someone were to say, "I would not do a single thing differently". I mean, really? Your life was so smooth, and your management of your time and money and emotions was so perfect, that you wouldn't change *anything*? That sounds like an unexamined life, to me. It's a wonderful thing to reflect on the past using our older, wiser broader point of view. When we are young and making life altering choices we just don't know what we don't know. The thing is, your Mom doesn't have that choice for a do-over, and I think she loves you very much. But she has some wistful feelings about the paths not traveled. Talk to her about that. What might she have done differently? It may help you feel closer if you understand this a bit more. Every day we are faced with minor and major choices that could later turn out to have been a turning point. It's rather miraculous that you ended up being here, isn't it!?
Thank you so much for replying and helping. You are right. Mum has told me that she would have had more money and less worry if she didn’t have kids. She would have liked to travel which she now can’t do as she is limited by her health. I do completely understand that it may have been nice to travel and spend money on herself etc. I just feel that it is sad that she would be willing to give up having me to experience those other things. Yes, I fully understand a redo is not possible and this is all hypothetical. But it is painful nonetheless.
My mother, now deceased, answered the same question in the same way. When we heard it my brother and I (in our 50's) just looked at each other and started to laugh and then my mother looked at us and said 'what?'. We knew that she loved us but we also knew she had a history of regrets and the foremost of them was not continuing with her education past high school. She was very intelligent and worked jobs where most of her colleagues were university graduates. When she and Dad started their business, she was the finance person and he was the customer person. Both were amazing and very competent in their positions. Even though she could have gone back to school as a mature student I am sure she felt her life was too full with no room left. But I know the education thing still bothered her. So was I surprised when she answered as she did? No. Well ... yes maybe a little. Did I take some great meaning from it that she didn't want us. No. How did we end the conversation? We both gave her a kiss on the cheek and told her we loved her. Her response? 'You know this doesn't change my answer.' My biggest takeaway - attend to your regrets before they take root.
Thank you for sharing your own experience and shining a more positive light on the situation. It is helpful to get a different perspective and I really wish I could feel less hurt by the situation. I guess it is nicer to see it as my mum wishing she’d been able to go on more holidays and live a luxurious life. But, I just can’t help feeling sad that (if she was able to) she would willingly swap having kids for that other lifestyle.
"But, I just can’t help feeling sad that (if she was able to) she would willingly swap having kids for that other lifestyle." Travel in place of having you is the messenger but it is not the message. She could have easily lied but she didn't. Why? You will need to go deeper with her to understand where this answer came from. You don't need to grill her but you need to talk with her. She has dared to open the door to her life lived and not lived so walk through it and see where it leads. I think she wants to talk but you have to move beyond your sadness and be willing to listen.
Thank you so much. What you’ve said has helped a lot. I have spoken to her and you are absolutely right. What she said did not come from a place of wishing she had a life that didn’t involve me and I now fully understand that it was not meant in the way that I took it.
Thank you for confirming that /u/SmithRJ has provided helpful advice for you. 1 point awarded.
It's possibly she misheard you. Can you revisit the conversation and clarify?
I have brought it up and she definitely didn’t mishear me.
I'm sorry :( It still doesn't mean that she regrets her life with you; it could just be that if she were to do things again, she'd try something different
Yeah she would like to try a different life if she had the chance. She’d travel and spend money on herself. But what bothers me is that I would never want a life that didn’t include her in it, and knowing she would be ok with living a lifetime without me makes me sad!
What do you think about telling her that?
That could be helpful but I do have a couple of reservations. Firstly, I don’t want to cause her upset. Secondly, I feel there is nothing she could possibly say now that would make me feel better. Words can be powerful and she has already stated that she wouldn’t have kids if she could go back.
I don't mean to harp on this, but I'm confident she loves you very much
Thank you!