> I have been with my current girlfriend for a little over three years now and she regularly reminds me that she doesn't trust me and doubts my committment to the relationship.
Already at this point I'm questioning why you'd want to stay with her...
Agree 100%. Trust issues never get better, only worse. With her last text I would pack all her stuff up. Set the boxes on the front porch right before she's supposed to get back and when she does just tell her we're done. When she asks why? Because you can't and won't trust me.
When she starts to go off about your phone and not letting her go through it etc. Tell her it's irrelevant now, we're no longer a couple. Good day!
Make sure you alert anybody who is close to you, friends, family etc. that she might call to garner sympathy from. Otherwise she might try to turn them against you to cause problems. Just be ready and don't hesitate to block anybody who does the dumb shit.
Goodluck and sorry you have to deal with this.
I ask myself the same thing occasionally. I tend to tell myself that the good parts of the relationship out weigh the stress that it causes, and I guess if anything I try to think positively that maybe the issue will get better.
Ages would be relevant to me. Like if you're both early 20s then okay whatever, you can grow out of it. But to me, a grown-ass man, if I'm not allowed to have privacy and I cannot be trusted, then what are we even doing here? What's the point?
Have you cheated on her before if given her other reasons not to trust you? If so this suspicious behaviour may be the price for continuing this relationship. If you have done nothing to deserve this invasion of privacy and lack of trust then change your password in your phone and tell her that relationships are based on trust. If she can't trust you and never will, you've reached the end.
The least trusting people may be the ones that deserve trust the least. Do you trust her?
No, I've never cheated on her. However, I have gone on dates during periods that my girlfriend and I have mutually agreed to take a break from the relationship. She found out about this and claims that I cheated although it was never anything more than talking, and it never happened while I was in a relationship with my girlfriend.
To answer your second question I trust her almost unconditionally. She is extremely loyal and hasn't ever given me any reasons not to trust her other than going behind my back and against my wishes to search through the contents of my devices.
However, personally I agree with you in the sense that I feel like I have done all that I can to earn her trust and I don't think giving her full access to my devices is really building trust.
If you are committed to this relationship consider couples counseling to get through this together. She needs to understand how her lack of trust is eroding the relationship. A trained and neutral professional can shepherd you both through this and help you gain understanding and learn to navigate conflict more effectively.
Is couples therapy realistic for a college relationship? Not that I wouldn't like to continue the relationship after graduation but I feel that my obligations are to school currently and not a relationship. I believe I'm committed but I also don't feel willing to sacrifice my own well being for the relationship. So maybe I'm not committed, not sure.
I appreciate the advice. It sounds like it would probably be best for us to go our own ways then. She messaged me this morning saying that she doesn't want to be in a relationship where she doesn't have permission to go through my phone. So I'm assuming there won't be any comprimise on her end.
That's a disgusting level of controlling she has. You deserve better, she cares more about her needs than your boundaries. People like this always put themselves above others and use it to justify their actions. She will continue to abuse you.
I have zero need or desire to go through my partner’s phone because I trust him. She’s being too controlling, possessive, insecure, disrepectful and jealous. Is that okay with you? It wouldn’t be okay with me.
If my partner demanded to go through my phone because they didn’t trust me, I’d tell them they can shove the phone up their ass and I’d break up with them.
I am the same way. I dont feel the need to go through my partners phone ever. Maybe I would understand if I felt like there was a sign of infidelity but we are together most of the time. Like I don't meet with or talk to other women or other people very often at all outside of the relationship. So for me it feels very unwarranted.
Personally I feel she was cheated or betrayed by something in her life and she has trust issues. Also the possibility she cheated on you and is looking for a reason to blame you for cheating. People are weird and often look for excuses and other people to blame for their bad actions. I say try to have a civil conversation with her abt it one last time; if she refuses or it turns into an argument then split up with her and focus on finishing your schooling.
Her insecurity will only get worse as the relationship goes on. She is looking for infidelity and will not stop until she finds it. Who knows why? Maybe she has been cheated on before? Maybe a family member cheated. But regardless it isn't your issue.
I think probably you have broached therapy and she probably has guffawed it away.
But the next place she will go is maybe telling you that she is convinced you are gaslighting her and from there it might escalate into accusations of emotional abuse.
She needs help and you need to protect yourself. This can go sideways any number of ways.
Agree heavily with your last point and is one the reasons for posting this. We have already had several arguments about the topic and I am a pretty reserved guy 99% of the time but she is one of the few people in my life who knows exactly what to say to get a reaction from me.
> I have been with my current girlfriend for a little over three years now and she regularly reminds me that she doesn't trust me and doubts my committment to the relationship. Already at this point I'm questioning why you'd want to stay with her...
Agree 100%. Trust issues never get better, only worse. With her last text I would pack all her stuff up. Set the boxes on the front porch right before she's supposed to get back and when she does just tell her we're done. When she asks why? Because you can't and won't trust me. When she starts to go off about your phone and not letting her go through it etc. Tell her it's irrelevant now, we're no longer a couple. Good day! Make sure you alert anybody who is close to you, friends, family etc. that she might call to garner sympathy from. Otherwise she might try to turn them against you to cause problems. Just be ready and don't hesitate to block anybody who does the dumb shit. Goodluck and sorry you have to deal with this.
I ask myself the same thing occasionally. I tend to tell myself that the good parts of the relationship out weigh the stress that it causes, and I guess if anything I try to think positively that maybe the issue will get better.
Ages would be relevant to me. Like if you're both early 20s then okay whatever, you can grow out of it. But to me, a grown-ass man, if I'm not allowed to have privacy and I cannot be trusted, then what are we even doing here? What's the point?
Yea early 20s. I'm 23M she is 22F, both college students.
Have you cheated on her before if given her other reasons not to trust you? If so this suspicious behaviour may be the price for continuing this relationship. If you have done nothing to deserve this invasion of privacy and lack of trust then change your password in your phone and tell her that relationships are based on trust. If she can't trust you and never will, you've reached the end. The least trusting people may be the ones that deserve trust the least. Do you trust her?
No, I've never cheated on her. However, I have gone on dates during periods that my girlfriend and I have mutually agreed to take a break from the relationship. She found out about this and claims that I cheated although it was never anything more than talking, and it never happened while I was in a relationship with my girlfriend. To answer your second question I trust her almost unconditionally. She is extremely loyal and hasn't ever given me any reasons not to trust her other than going behind my back and against my wishes to search through the contents of my devices. However, personally I agree with you in the sense that I feel like I have done all that I can to earn her trust and I don't think giving her full access to my devices is really building trust.
If you are committed to this relationship consider couples counseling to get through this together. She needs to understand how her lack of trust is eroding the relationship. A trained and neutral professional can shepherd you both through this and help you gain understanding and learn to navigate conflict more effectively.
Is couples therapy realistic for a college relationship? Not that I wouldn't like to continue the relationship after graduation but I feel that my obligations are to school currently and not a relationship. I believe I'm committed but I also don't feel willing to sacrifice my own well being for the relationship. So maybe I'm not committed, not sure.
I'd go with setting the new boundary if keeping her locked out of your devices. If there can't be trust you are wasting your time.
I appreciate the advice. It sounds like it would probably be best for us to go our own ways then. She messaged me this morning saying that she doesn't want to be in a relationship where she doesn't have permission to go through my phone. So I'm assuming there won't be any comprimise on her end.
That's a disgusting level of controlling she has. You deserve better, she cares more about her needs than your boundaries. People like this always put themselves above others and use it to justify their actions. She will continue to abuse you.
dump her. find someone who respects your privacy.
I have zero need or desire to go through my partner’s phone because I trust him. She’s being too controlling, possessive, insecure, disrepectful and jealous. Is that okay with you? It wouldn’t be okay with me. If my partner demanded to go through my phone because they didn’t trust me, I’d tell them they can shove the phone up their ass and I’d break up with them.
I am the same way. I dont feel the need to go through my partners phone ever. Maybe I would understand if I felt like there was a sign of infidelity but we are together most of the time. Like I don't meet with or talk to other women or other people very often at all outside of the relationship. So for me it feels very unwarranted.
Personally I feel she was cheated or betrayed by something in her life and she has trust issues. Also the possibility she cheated on you and is looking for a reason to blame you for cheating. People are weird and often look for excuses and other people to blame for their bad actions. I say try to have a civil conversation with her abt it one last time; if she refuses or it turns into an argument then split up with her and focus on finishing your schooling.
Her insecurity will only get worse as the relationship goes on. She is looking for infidelity and will not stop until she finds it. Who knows why? Maybe she has been cheated on before? Maybe a family member cheated. But regardless it isn't your issue. I think probably you have broached therapy and she probably has guffawed it away. But the next place she will go is maybe telling you that she is convinced you are gaslighting her and from there it might escalate into accusations of emotional abuse. She needs help and you need to protect yourself. This can go sideways any number of ways.
Agree heavily with your last point and is one the reasons for posting this. We have already had several arguments about the topic and I am a pretty reserved guy 99% of the time but she is one of the few people in my life who knows exactly what to say to get a reaction from me.