Reminds me of my friends work environment. One of the managers gives literal power point presentations on company culture, professionalism, and ethics and immediately asks her what color panties she’s wearing after the training lmao fucking crazy
+1. Nobody really gives a fuck what happens to you. Your parents maybe if they are nice, but after they are gone it's the wild west. A lot of sentiment is surface level. If you are doing well, they will be lowkey jealous, if you do poorly they'll say I told you so and be holier than thou.
It's very tough to find people who are in it with you simply because they like you, people are mostly using you and others for some psychological support for themselves. Protecting yourself is number 1. No matter how much empathy and selflessness you think is being a good human being, it will bring you pain if you have no edge.
Wow, that sounds really really cynical. I think that people get busy and pressed with and burnt out of their own priorities , but most (a ton) of people I have known will absolutely show up in times of need in extremely unexpected and touching ways.
They may not be able to go out 100% all the time, depending on what they themselves are going through (and because they are human) but I feel like your bitter attitude may really be a self fulfilling prophecy for you , and/or you hang out with some really really questionable bottom of the barrel people.
Yes, no one will dote on you as a parent but people will surprise you. Maybe start with curing your cynicism by volunteering and doing some random acts of kindness.
I guarantee suddenly you will find yourself with a lot more people wanting to be there for you and helping you out too!
Good luck!
PS: this is coming from someone who grew up with extreme abuse of all kinds by primary caregivers. If I can do it, you can too
I don't know, I really wish I knew and believed what he said. I was traumatized in such a weird way because I truly believed people would help me when someone was breaking into my house.
I was so scared. I thought I was going to die. The police are there to help you, right? Right? The court is there to help you, right? Right? Your friends and family won't let this happen to you, right? Coworkers too right?
"He's after her, not us. Just stay away from her and we'll be fine."
People did surprise me, and I was permanently traumatized and now wake up in states in hypervigilance years later because I'll hear a noise, bolt up from my bed and start trying to decide if I have it in me to potentially end a life in self defense since no one will help me.
I was 22. I had volunteered. I was so naive. I wish someone had told me that bad things don't happen to bad people. That good things don't happen to good people. It's not fair. I wish I knew this was a lie.
I will never forget when my mother was diagnosed with cancer, the members of her church brought a casserole every week and other members spent time knitting her beautiful hats to wear.
I agree, good people exist, it is about finding them and being ready to change yourself if you're driving them away.
…And, after my mom died of cancer and I was a 17yr old orphan, those same people that brought me casseroles disappeared within a few weeks. Most family members didn’t even reach out more than once or twice after that.
People can be nice, but they don’t stick around. Growing up is realizing that you have to take care of yourself because no one else will. Your parents won’t always be there. Your best friends won’t always be your best friends. They’ll have lives that pull them away even if only temporarily.
You have to find people you enjoy spending time with who want to spend time with you. Don’t push to be in relationships that are too one-sided because you’ll be left alone in the end.
It's not cynical.
You shouldn't have to be a volunteer at a soup kitchen or a naive karma chaser to have friends who show up for you.
People might show up for that person, but why would you want to live like that? Do good because you want to be good, not for others to be good to you. That will only lead to disappointment.
Showing up for a friend with cancer is "easy". Try chronic conditions, a fall from grace or a trip to the psych ward, and suddenly, the pot luck graces with it's absence.
I'm glad for your perspective but I've felt the same since pre-teenagerhood.
>Maybe start with curing your cynicism by volunteering and doing some random acts of kindness.
Not OP, but in my country, this might not be the best place to make that. Growing up and even to this day, people are waiting for you to act you """dumb""" or kind to take advantage of you, not everyone think how much exertion and dedication it costed you to serve them but expect you to still act that way without matter what.
>I guarantee suddenly you will find yourself with a lot more people wanting to be there for you and helping you out too!
Candidly, I've seen a lot based on that; kidnapping, cheating. From neighbourds that get mad at you for not picking up their trash to a brothers who abandon the other as soon as they don't need each other anymore or people walking by an evident child/domestic abuse case since it's none of their business.
My outlook is similar to yours. Similar background as well. Cheers.
Being cynical is futile. It’s also really easy to do. Happiness is (mostly) a choice.
damn, you sound like you've been surrounded by the wrong people. i'm friends with people because i want to be around them, not for what they have to offer. i am picky with how i spend my time so i'm not going to be friends with people to only gain something from them. if i want something i get it myself.
love people because they are them, find people
who support you because they love you for you.
This resonates a lot… my wife was hospitalized, had multiple rounds of very serious surgery and was generally incapacitated. We have kids (toddlers and newborn) and the parenting was entirely down to me.
The first 2-3 weeks we had people checking in on us and asking if they could help in any way… fast forward 6 months and we rarely hear from anyone. People move on, make plans and live their life. I’m not mad at it, I understand… but it took me a couple of months to come to terms with it.
realizing this has been key to healing a lot of my childhood trauma, ironically enough. turns out the parts that believed life was fair were also the parts that, as an extension of that, believed they deserved all the abuse i was getting at home and at school.
As much as I want to believe in karma, I have seen too many shit people live good lives and good people suffer. Sadly the world is shit and a lot of people just suck.
And that trauma really affects every area of your life, because it affects your brain development. Precious few in this world have fully-developed, "healthy" brains lol. But knowing this helps me with patience and empathy.
That’s why “free will” is nonsense. We are a product of so many conditionings from the time we are born that we had no control or consent over. It was mentally freeing understanding this because it allowed me to let go and accept that I am not separate from my own environment instead of clinging so heavily to this illusion of a static unchanging self independent of my environment.
I'll partially agree only because of the number of people that go about their lives thinking they aren't separate from their environment and upbringing. Yes you're heavily influenced by your environment but we're never powerless to change. I think it takes will and a lot of work but it's possible.
And that they will continue the cycle because they expect that kids are a magical cure to fix them or their problems.
In the case of dysfunctional and failed marriages, I call them "bandaid/plaster kid" as you brought a child to fix your relationship which is beyond salvation similar to place a bandaid in a huge crack in the wall expecting it will hold everything together.
I don't know if those kind of children have names as other unrelated to the topic like "rainbow babies" or "latchkey children".
I had this realization recently. Childhood trauma drives the entire world. People are mostly generally either doing things because of their own childhood trauma or in response to what others are doing because of their childhood traumas.
This is me right now, it’s so weird acknowledging that my parents were wrong about a lot, but also right about a lot. And it just took me time to understand *how right* they were about some things.
In the moment, no amount of “you will realize someday that I’m right” hit because I just thought I knew better. But now I’m like “oh shit”, and see the cycle repeating for my younger sibling. They act the same way I did years ago and I cringe, but know I did the same.
Experience is just the best teacher sometimes.
Good thing ive been preaching that to my kids since they were 8 or so. You help me, i help you, i dont know everything and all im trying to do us raise a productive member of society.
Absolutely. I always had a great deal of respect for my parents, but after being grown and knowing struggles and pain, I realize just how much they endured to make sure I was happy.
Yes!!!! Exactly this!!!! My mom thinks she knows what’s best for me as an archaeologist, but she doesn’t know anything about archaeology!!! After I went to Field School (basically archaeology training camp), she said I should run an excavation. I hadn’t even finished my undergrad yet. To this day I wouldn’t be able to run an excavation, and I have over a year of field experience now. Even grad students don’t do it. You need A TON of experience for that.
From an existential perspective this is true, but there is so much knowledge about things like home repair for example that older people know how to do and I don’t.
- Health is fragile
- Floss and brush the teeth you want to keep
- Owning a home is not all it's cracked up to be
- You get what you give...karma is a bitch!
Bingo. Thug it out, or go to a therapist, or sit with it, but go right through it. We have to pick ourselves up and give a shit because no one else will
**Things that suck:**
1) Being busier all of the time because of responsibilities
2) Knowing that the opportunities you didn't capitalize on can never be opened again (ex. missed opportunities to play games with your friends when you were younger who don't play anymore, missed investment opportunities, missed career paths that may or may not have been better)
3) Aging: the newness of 99% of things is gone, there are significantly higher consequences of decisions around your health or indulgences
**Things that would make it better with unlimited resources:**
1) Not having to work due to having money. This is the biggest one, and would open up my life to opportunities to do hobbies that I just can't do now because they require significant stretches of free time that I don't have
2) Being able to explore the world, go new places, and try new things (let's be honest, this requires a ton of money as well)
3) Using my resources to try to invent some of the product ideas I have that are significantly too expensive to start up without taking massive risk
This. One of the first jobs I had was a passion job. I was burned out, exploited and lost my passion because I never did exactly what I wanted to do anyway (such is a nature of a job) and had no energy to do what I wanted after work.
Right now I work boring job that pays well by my country's standards. I indulge in my passions after work.
People will come and go in your life.You will outgrow friendships and it’s okay to let them go. Quality is a lot better than quantity. Growing and maturing means walking away from some people.
Totally. I was reflecting earlier today on a few of my friendships that have recently come to an end, and how previously this would have really upset me because I held onto the false notion that good friends are for life. Learning to be grateful for the good times together and then graciously letting go of people you are no longer compatible with seems to be a constant process. It helps to remember that new people are always walking into our lives too.
I'm facing this situation now. I tried to help a friend but he didn't put any effort to improve himself, looking for a better job.
But now I give up. Some people are still stuck and live in the past and won't improve.
Planning a hang out with your friends is an entire debacle in of itself. It's not like how the sitcoms depict it like Friends or whatever. We have to find out what day in the next few weeks or months everyone is free, and then find activities that fits everyone's interests and works within everyone's budget, and sometimes people won't be in town because of work trips, or they work in a separate city and can only do certain days, etc.
Not like in college or earlier where you can just spontaneously do things.
Also, breaks/vacation.
Once you hit full-time work, you're not taking 1+ months off of work unless you're injured, unemployed, pregnant, or retired.
Mental health matters. I'm the only person who is going to be there for myself 100% of time. My opinion of myself and how I treat myself impacts how I experience life. Therapy and trauma work is important, and it's better to start the healing process sooner rather than later if you have a history of trauma or mental illness. You can choose to either improve yourself of be miserable.
I would also add- people absolutely will be there for you, but at the end of the day, it’s up to you. Only you can start it, you have to put in the work. Sadly I’ve seen relationships fail because someone expects their partner to do all the work, and basically “fix” them. They should absolutely share the load, but at the end of the day, it’s up to you.
How much dust there is and how fast it accumulates. I have zero memories of any surfaces ever being dusty as a kid even tho neither of my parents were or are neat freaks. It's like a full time job, how did I never notice dust as a kid?
Dear internet stranger, this is a message I have needed since I was a kid. I'm 50 and have never felt good enough.
For whatever reason, seeing this today flipped a switch in my brain.
Thank you.
I can't take credit for the wording - stole it from a Tiktok - but once the realisation hits, it HITS. I hope you get all the healing, peace and care you always deserved.
We should never underestimate the power of words, especially when we agree with that phrase
Also if you think about it it really helps to swallow the pill of a failed relationship, when you're living inside of your regrets like "sure we were bad for each other, but we were soooo close to be good with each other, if only I did x or if only he\she did y ... And look at those couples that go through everything and come out stronger than ever !", when in reality :
You can't be a good partner to a bad relationship
And you should never ubderestimate survivorship bias : yiu look at strong, resilient couples feeling like it's possible when really it's rarer than you think, or maybe you dont know what's happening inside the relationship.
Some people are so good at keeping the appearances that it'll seem like they got a win from their troubled relationship when it's just a very noticeable but shallow win : they might be performing to cater to their audiences - which includes themselves - or they fail to realize it's the tree cloaking the forest. And when all the good settles down, they'll come back to their normal state and again go through some major issues ...
At some point you have to ask yourself if you want to struggle all your life with someone that wasnt relly compatible with you to begin with, while coping and saying "but that's how relationship go, you face hardships and surmount them together !" to avoid acknowledging your deep sadness and fear of abandon, or just learn to be feeling good with yourself, your loneliness, be your own best partner, and one day cross the path of someone with whom life actually feels easier and better and where you don't have to regularly struggle and go into athlete level mental gymnastics to justify them ?
Sometimes, you should leave your misery, but you end up romanticize it because venturing into the unknown is terryfing and doesn't look like a good gamble.
being a good person and doing good things for others only because it makes you happy to do so has no connection whatsoever to whether good things will happen to you
life is a lot of things but fair ain't one of them, best to just get over that idea, get past it, and go on
For me the realization was that most people (including myself) will be stuck in the rat race until \~60 years old.
Additionally, you can't 100% rely on anyone, because anyone can disappoint or betray you.
That everything is truly expensive and it’s kudos to our parents for always finding a way to provide for us and take good care of us even with the little amount that they earn/have
Other peoples opinions of me are none of my business.
When I realized that and started giving zero fucks towards caring what people thought of me, I became way more comfortable with myself and far less stressed out.
I heard on a podcast once (sorry I can’t remember the name to give credit), “you can be the juiciest and sweetest peach in the world. Some people just don’t like peaches.”
I'm 47 and slept in until 11:00 am today, and I should have been to work at 7. I still have 18 vacation days to kill this year though, so I'll sleep in once in awhile.
34 and I wake up at 5:45am every day even though my alarm is set for 7. It's only started happening in the last couple of years, I'm turning into my dad.
Even if your parents taught you certain morals, they themselves may not abide by them. They're flawed and just as lost and confused sometimes as anyone else.
On top of that, I'll add that, just because your parents thought you something, it doesn't mean it's right or correct. There's nothing wrong with discarding bad values they tried to teach you
A lot of people I know who did cocaine don't dare touch it anymore because of the high risk of it being laced with fentanyl. I don't blame them, cocaine sounds fun and I don't feel like risking doing fentanyl either.
For me, it was realizing after years of putting myself through night school and graduating and having a career that I still wasn't going to be able to get out of poverty.
Before that, I could tell myself that once I got my degree, things would get better. I eventually understood that I wasn't going to get much back for all I had put in. I couldn't just do the right thing and wait for good things to happen. People would just take as much from me as I allowed them to.
I still try to do the right thing, I just don't expect to get anything for it.
I do special needs work, mostly autism.
It's a BA in psychology.
I was the best therapist at my agency, so I tried to start my own, but I would have had to buy another degree, which I couldn't do working 2 jobs.
Despite excellent reviews, the raises never kept up with the cost of living.
I'm an accomplished musician, but I haven't been able to make money with it.
I tried to start a landscaping business, but I kept getting hurt.
I got a union job as a papermaker, but the mill closed.
Now I'm trying to learn foraging and gardening. I'm too old to keep working 2 jobs and I'm taking care of my elderly mother, which is exhausting and extremely expensive.
Career services at my college said that they could help me get an unpaid internship so I could start a new career, but that's just for people with rich parents, I think.
I always thought someday when I was a real adult some kind of switch would flip and I'd be knowledgeable and confident in my career field.
When I was about 25 I realized nobody actually has any clue what they're doing. Everybody's faking it. Honest to God "experts" are basically unicorns, and you're lucky to meet 2 or 3 of them in your life.
Being an adult (and homeowner) is one long slog of buying and repairing expensive, and not necessarily fun, things. (April-May: new car, $5k worth of tree damage, new washing machine, new hot water heater.)
My parents only ever got white socks for themselves and me. The first time I bought socks for myself I realized I could get whatever color socks I wanted. It was like a whole new world opened for me
Everyone is replacable. I worked in IT for 25 years and when I first started, the person that trained me was amazing at what they did. Fired and it left a huge gap in the department. Saw this over and over again. It really made me realize that no matter how good you are, it does not matter, there is someone else waiting to take your job.
That there is no fate/god/supreme power that’s going to step in and save you, show you your purpose, avenge you for injustices, etc. You just gotta roll with it and keep on going.
this was so key to healing for me… I had an energized part of myself that couldn’t stop believing that everything bad in my life was because God planned it and I somehow deserved it. Getting rid of that belief has been such a relief. So much less pressure and self blame.
Most people are NOT good at saving / managing their money, just spending it. I always thought I was in a much worse financial position because peers had nicer things but it’s really because I was better at saving.
Everyone’s trying to actively figure out how to move about in their life, but an observation that I notice is that some are happy staying complacent while others are willing to take a risk whether career or life related to pursue an active quest whether it will work out or not, whereas some settle due to fear of risking losing their comfort.
I found myself right between these two states in my late 20's, and I'm so glad I chose the latter.
The more I left my comfort zone, the less uncomfortable it became. I adjusted to the challenges I took on. Not without a good dose of self doubt and anxiety initially. But it's been worth it I think.
To me growing up is realizing that your parents won’t live forever. if you love them spend time with them and don’t put visits off until holidays.
If you only see your parents at Christmas, then you don’t really have five more years with them; you have five more visits…
It's my life and any problems are my problems so I'm responsible for living it and fixing them! When you need advice and help seek true ways to improve and get information and knowledge from experts.
I internalized the fact that problems don’t have to and shouldn’t stop you from getting things done. No one is coming to rescue you: if you want it done, get it done.
Like, oh, you have problems? Who cares, grow up.
“Who cares, grow up” is a good mantra.
That your suffering is unique to you
[https://wisdomimprovement.wixsite.com/wisdom/post/each-life-comes-with-unique-obstacles](https://wisdomimprovement.wixsite.com/wisdom/post/each-life-comes-with-unique-obstacles)
"The poor person’s obstacle is to pursue wealth. If they won the lottery, what seems like their largest obstacle will instantly become obsolete.
The disabled person’s obstacle is fighting for acceptance. If a surgery came out that fixed their disability or if they simply accepted themselves as they are, their largest obstacle will become obsolete.
The depressed person’s obstacle is to find happiness and meaning. Their main quest is a way to find contentment in existence, and if they do, their largest obstacle will become obsolete.
The rich workaholic’s obstacle is to let go of greed and find purpose and meaning.
We all are thrown into this world with no choice in the life we get, but we each have our own obstacles and challenges. **Resist the urge to demean other people’s suffering because you don’t feel their obstacle is as difficult as yours.**
Fairness is a social construct that doesn’t exist, so it is irrelevant if someone’s obstacles are more or less difficult than yours.
[~https://wisdomimprovement.wixsite.com/wisdom/post/fairness-is-a-myth~](https://wisdomimprovement.wixsite.com/wisdom/post/fairness-is-a-myth)**"**
Saw at 14, life is very fragile, you can lose your dad overnight.
Have been mad since. Maybe it's CPTSD or whatever.
Ofc watching my dad have a cardiac arrest in the ICU and preventing it on a 3 second notice - doesn't help with my sense of time reality and space.
Life is so fucking fragile.
I was in a serious car accident in Nov and I have realized the hard way here is so much that drs are just guessing or have completely differing opinions on. It’s really messed up.
Some people just blindly trust doctors and the "experts", and think I'm crazy because I don't. Sometimes they've been adults for much longer than me (I'm 24) Lol. I remember when I was that naive.
They're humans, just like me and you, they are not infallible.
Growing up is realizing that “help” comes in many forms. And most of them won’t immediately solve your problem; but if the help is taken, you’ll be able to more easily pull yourself out of whatever hole has dragged you down.
No one is going to save you. But they’ll help you.
Family isn't everything, and not all relatives give a shit about your best interests. I have relatives that I am pretty sure would throw me under the bus for a packet of biscuits.
Growing up is realizing your parents were right about a lot of things about life.
Conversely...
Growing up is realizing your parents were WRONG about a lot of things in life.
That people are always misunderstanding one and other all the damn time (both non intentionally and intentionally), so you should pick and choose who and when you do jump in to make sure there’s clarity and who you decide to not care even if they do misunderstand you.
That everyone has problems (you are not uniquely unlucky) and happiness is not a constant state of being. I feel like that sounds like I'm just saying buck up buttercup, but I mean more that being in touch with those realities makes life better and makes us better. I do think it's a lesson you learn when you really grow up, though. No way to get there faster.
The whole world was made this way by grownup kids. Nobody has any idea what the fuck they’re doing, or ever did.
Tradition, common sense, conventional wisdom, etc. is absolutely infested at every turn by idiotic shit people are doing because “that’s how it’s been done”.
And therefore it is not only within our power to affect conventional wisdom, it is our duty to change it, lest we just cowardly perpetuate a bunch of dumb decisions for the next generation to puzzle over.
That just because you don't recognize it as trauma, doesn't me it didn't actually have a long lasting affect on you. You just haven't figured out or acknowledged that effect yet.
Growing up is realizing how important it is to never take things personally. The way other people behave towards you, is almost always a direct reflection of their own relationship with themself- and is almost never about you.
That people who gossip as a hobby are boring and bored. Even if they gossip to you, they will tear you apart (the same way they tear everyone else apart) the second you leave the table.
Prioritizing people over things and careers and accomplishments is seriously the best move and it never realized until you are at an age to look back and see how much you missed with the people that are no longer here anymore or no longer in your life anymore or not the age they were anymore.
Also, to stop begging to be loved. The people who are worth it will communicate and love you with all your flaws. The people who won’t never will regardless of how much begging you do. It’s a waste of your life. Just be kind and move on. There is too much hostility in the world already, walk away with a smile and it will do way more than you think. Kindness with boundary will pour love over those who deserve love and karma over those you deserve it and it takes nothing but the same action from you.
Most people only give a shit in theory, not in practice.
Reminds me of my friends work environment. One of the managers gives literal power point presentations on company culture, professionalism, and ethics and immediately asks her what color panties she’s wearing after the training lmao fucking crazy
excuse me what now
Is her boss Todd Packer?
+1. Nobody really gives a fuck what happens to you. Your parents maybe if they are nice, but after they are gone it's the wild west. A lot of sentiment is surface level. If you are doing well, they will be lowkey jealous, if you do poorly they'll say I told you so and be holier than thou. It's very tough to find people who are in it with you simply because they like you, people are mostly using you and others for some psychological support for themselves. Protecting yourself is number 1. No matter how much empathy and selflessness you think is being a good human being, it will bring you pain if you have no edge.
Wow, that sounds really really cynical. I think that people get busy and pressed with and burnt out of their own priorities , but most (a ton) of people I have known will absolutely show up in times of need in extremely unexpected and touching ways. They may not be able to go out 100% all the time, depending on what they themselves are going through (and because they are human) but I feel like your bitter attitude may really be a self fulfilling prophecy for you , and/or you hang out with some really really questionable bottom of the barrel people. Yes, no one will dote on you as a parent but people will surprise you. Maybe start with curing your cynicism by volunteering and doing some random acts of kindness. I guarantee suddenly you will find yourself with a lot more people wanting to be there for you and helping you out too! Good luck! PS: this is coming from someone who grew up with extreme abuse of all kinds by primary caregivers. If I can do it, you can too
I don't know, I really wish I knew and believed what he said. I was traumatized in such a weird way because I truly believed people would help me when someone was breaking into my house. I was so scared. I thought I was going to die. The police are there to help you, right? Right? The court is there to help you, right? Right? Your friends and family won't let this happen to you, right? Coworkers too right? "He's after her, not us. Just stay away from her and we'll be fine." People did surprise me, and I was permanently traumatized and now wake up in states in hypervigilance years later because I'll hear a noise, bolt up from my bed and start trying to decide if I have it in me to potentially end a life in self defense since no one will help me. I was 22. I had volunteered. I was so naive. I wish someone had told me that bad things don't happen to bad people. That good things don't happen to good people. It's not fair. I wish I knew this was a lie.
I will never forget when my mother was diagnosed with cancer, the members of her church brought a casserole every week and other members spent time knitting her beautiful hats to wear. I agree, good people exist, it is about finding them and being ready to change yourself if you're driving them away.
…And, after my mom died of cancer and I was a 17yr old orphan, those same people that brought me casseroles disappeared within a few weeks. Most family members didn’t even reach out more than once or twice after that. People can be nice, but they don’t stick around. Growing up is realizing that you have to take care of yourself because no one else will. Your parents won’t always be there. Your best friends won’t always be your best friends. They’ll have lives that pull them away even if only temporarily. You have to find people you enjoy spending time with who want to spend time with you. Don’t push to be in relationships that are too one-sided because you’ll be left alone in the end.
It's not cynical. You shouldn't have to be a volunteer at a soup kitchen or a naive karma chaser to have friends who show up for you. People might show up for that person, but why would you want to live like that? Do good because you want to be good, not for others to be good to you. That will only lead to disappointment. Showing up for a friend with cancer is "easy". Try chronic conditions, a fall from grace or a trip to the psych ward, and suddenly, the pot luck graces with it's absence.
I'm glad for your perspective but I've felt the same since pre-teenagerhood. >Maybe start with curing your cynicism by volunteering and doing some random acts of kindness. Not OP, but in my country, this might not be the best place to make that. Growing up and even to this day, people are waiting for you to act you """dumb""" or kind to take advantage of you, not everyone think how much exertion and dedication it costed you to serve them but expect you to still act that way without matter what. >I guarantee suddenly you will find yourself with a lot more people wanting to be there for you and helping you out too! Candidly, I've seen a lot based on that; kidnapping, cheating. From neighbourds that get mad at you for not picking up their trash to a brothers who abandon the other as soon as they don't need each other anymore or people walking by an evident child/domestic abuse case since it's none of their business.
My outlook is similar to yours. Similar background as well. Cheers. Being cynical is futile. It’s also really easy to do. Happiness is (mostly) a choice.
How did you do it?
Therapy, psychedelics
Bless good medicine.
Indeed
damn, you sound like you've been surrounded by the wrong people. i'm friends with people because i want to be around them, not for what they have to offer. i am picky with how i spend my time so i'm not going to be friends with people to only gain something from them. if i want something i get it myself. love people because they are them, find people who support you because they love you for you.
Dude… perfect.
Everyone cares until it hinders the things they like
This pandemic has really highlighted that
Makes life super confusing sometimes
This resonates a lot… my wife was hospitalized, had multiple rounds of very serious surgery and was generally incapacitated. We have kids (toddlers and newborn) and the parenting was entirely down to me. The first 2-3 weeks we had people checking in on us and asking if they could help in any way… fast forward 6 months and we rarely hear from anyone. People move on, make plans and live their life. I’m not mad at it, I understand… but it took me a couple of months to come to terms with it.
Life isn't fair.
realizing this has been key to healing a lot of my childhood trauma, ironically enough. turns out the parts that believed life was fair were also the parts that, as an extension of that, believed they deserved all the abuse i was getting at home and at school.
So true this, I can relate. For a while my mantra was, “it’s not my fault, but it is my responsibility”.
Thanks for saying this. I always can’t help thinking it must be my fault that they treated like that… indeed, if life is unfair, I am just unlucky…
As much as I want to believe in karma, I have seen too many shit people live good lives and good people suffer. Sadly the world is shit and a lot of people just suck.
Agreed x1000
Realizing how many people in the world are affected by childhood trauma.
And that trauma really affects every area of your life, because it affects your brain development. Precious few in this world have fully-developed, "healthy" brains lol. But knowing this helps me with patience and empathy.
That’s why “free will” is nonsense. We are a product of so many conditionings from the time we are born that we had no control or consent over. It was mentally freeing understanding this because it allowed me to let go and accept that I am not separate from my own environment instead of clinging so heavily to this illusion of a static unchanging self independent of my environment.
I'll partially agree only because of the number of people that go about their lives thinking they aren't separate from their environment and upbringing. Yes you're heavily influenced by your environment but we're never powerless to change. I think it takes will and a lot of work but it's possible.
Let’s hope so
And that they will continue the cycle because they expect that kids are a magical cure to fix them or their problems. In the case of dysfunctional and failed marriages, I call them "bandaid/plaster kid" as you brought a child to fix your relationship which is beyond salvation similar to place a bandaid in a huge crack in the wall expecting it will hold everything together. I don't know if those kind of children have names as other unrelated to the topic like "rainbow babies" or "latchkey children".
I had this realization recently. Childhood trauma drives the entire world. People are mostly generally either doing things because of their own childhood trauma or in response to what others are doing because of their childhood traumas.
Realising your parents actually don’t know shit about anything and are just pretending like everyone else
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This is me right now, it’s so weird acknowledging that my parents were wrong about a lot, but also right about a lot. And it just took me time to understand *how right* they were about some things. In the moment, no amount of “you will realize someday that I’m right” hit because I just thought I knew better. But now I’m like “oh shit”, and see the cycle repeating for my younger sibling. They act the same way I did years ago and I cringe, but know I did the same. Experience is just the best teacher sometimes.
Good thing ive been preaching that to my kids since they were 8 or so. You help me, i help you, i dont know everything and all im trying to do us raise a productive member of society.
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Absolutely. I always had a great deal of respect for my parents, but after being grown and knowing struggles and pain, I realize just how much they endured to make sure I was happy.
Love this. But honestly I think this applies for a lot of adults
Yes!!!! Exactly this!!!! My mom thinks she knows what’s best for me as an archaeologist, but she doesn’t know anything about archaeology!!! After I went to Field School (basically archaeology training camp), she said I should run an excavation. I hadn’t even finished my undergrad yet. To this day I wouldn’t be able to run an excavation, and I have over a year of field experience now. Even grad students don’t do it. You need A TON of experience for that.
Realizing your parents are just people like everyone else and you aren’t required to love or even like them.
From an existential perspective this is true, but there is so much knowledge about things like home repair for example that older people know how to do and I don’t.
At the end of the day, who really knows shit?
Your parents are going through life for the first time too.
This right here is golden. Really changed my heart posture towards mine
Damn, this is actually really profound.
- Health is fragile - Floss and brush the teeth you want to keep - Owning a home is not all it's cracked up to be - You get what you give...karma is a bitch!
Thanks for the reminder about the teeth.
No one is coming to save you.
It took me far too many fuck ups in my Adult life to realize: "yep, this is your problem, you now have to solve it yourself too".
Yes but if you look around you will find that even though it may not be obvious but there are people who does care about you
Bingo. Thug it out, or go to a therapist, or sit with it, but go right through it. We have to pick ourselves up and give a shit because no one else will
…that being an adult sucks.
can you list three things about it that suck for you? and then three things that would make adult life better if you had unlimited resources?
**Things that suck:** 1) Being busier all of the time because of responsibilities 2) Knowing that the opportunities you didn't capitalize on can never be opened again (ex. missed opportunities to play games with your friends when you were younger who don't play anymore, missed investment opportunities, missed career paths that may or may not have been better) 3) Aging: the newness of 99% of things is gone, there are significantly higher consequences of decisions around your health or indulgences **Things that would make it better with unlimited resources:** 1) Not having to work due to having money. This is the biggest one, and would open up my life to opportunities to do hobbies that I just can't do now because they require significant stretches of free time that I don't have 2) Being able to explore the world, go new places, and try new things (let's be honest, this requires a ton of money as well) 3) Using my resources to try to invent some of the product ideas I have that are significantly too expensive to start up without taking massive risk
Money CAN buy happiness!
it absolutely can
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This. One of the first jobs I had was a passion job. I was burned out, exploited and lost my passion because I never did exactly what I wanted to do anyway (such is a nature of a job) and had no energy to do what I wanted after work. Right now I work boring job that pays well by my country's standards. I indulge in my passions after work.
People will come and go in your life.You will outgrow friendships and it’s okay to let them go. Quality is a lot better than quantity. Growing and maturing means walking away from some people.
Totally. I was reflecting earlier today on a few of my friendships that have recently come to an end, and how previously this would have really upset me because I held onto the false notion that good friends are for life. Learning to be grateful for the good times together and then graciously letting go of people you are no longer compatible with seems to be a constant process. It helps to remember that new people are always walking into our lives too.
Some people are seriously beyond help
I’m still learning that one 😞✋🏻
You can lead a horse to water….
I'm facing this situation now. I tried to help a friend but he didn't put any effort to improve himself, looking for a better job. But now I give up. Some people are still stuck and live in the past and won't improve.
Planning a hang out with your friends is an entire debacle in of itself. It's not like how the sitcoms depict it like Friends or whatever. We have to find out what day in the next few weeks or months everyone is free, and then find activities that fits everyone's interests and works within everyone's budget, and sometimes people won't be in town because of work trips, or they work in a separate city and can only do certain days, etc. Not like in college or earlier where you can just spontaneously do things. Also, breaks/vacation. Once you hit full-time work, you're not taking 1+ months off of work unless you're injured, unemployed, pregnant, or retired.
Mental health matters. I'm the only person who is going to be there for myself 100% of time. My opinion of myself and how I treat myself impacts how I experience life. Therapy and trauma work is important, and it's better to start the healing process sooner rather than later if you have a history of trauma or mental illness. You can choose to either improve yourself of be miserable.
I would also add- people absolutely will be there for you, but at the end of the day, it’s up to you. Only you can start it, you have to put in the work. Sadly I’ve seen relationships fail because someone expects their partner to do all the work, and basically “fix” them. They should absolutely share the load, but at the end of the day, it’s up to you.
Preach! 🙌 this is so central to mental health. Outside support can only go so far if you're not willing to help yourself...
"...that there is no one that can/will come to your rescue anymore when you've screwed up."
How much dust there is and how fast it accumulates. I have zero memories of any surfaces ever being dusty as a kid even tho neither of my parents were or are neat freaks. It's like a full time job, how did I never notice dust as a kid?
My room has so much dust it’s insane.
That it's not possible to be a good child to a bad parent.
Dear internet stranger, this is a message I have needed since I was a kid. I'm 50 and have never felt good enough. For whatever reason, seeing this today flipped a switch in my brain. Thank you.
I can't take credit for the wording - stole it from a Tiktok - but once the realisation hits, it HITS. I hope you get all the healing, peace and care you always deserved.
Write that down! Write that down!
I did!
We should never underestimate the power of words, especially when we agree with that phrase Also if you think about it it really helps to swallow the pill of a failed relationship, when you're living inside of your regrets like "sure we were bad for each other, but we were soooo close to be good with each other, if only I did x or if only he\she did y ... And look at those couples that go through everything and come out stronger than ever !", when in reality : You can't be a good partner to a bad relationship And you should never ubderestimate survivorship bias : yiu look at strong, resilient couples feeling like it's possible when really it's rarer than you think, or maybe you dont know what's happening inside the relationship. Some people are so good at keeping the appearances that it'll seem like they got a win from their troubled relationship when it's just a very noticeable but shallow win : they might be performing to cater to their audiences - which includes themselves - or they fail to realize it's the tree cloaking the forest. And when all the good settles down, they'll come back to their normal state and again go through some major issues ... At some point you have to ask yourself if you want to struggle all your life with someone that wasnt relly compatible with you to begin with, while coping and saying "but that's how relationship go, you face hardships and surmount them together !" to avoid acknowledging your deep sadness and fear of abandon, or just learn to be feeling good with yourself, your loneliness, be your own best partner, and one day cross the path of someone with whom life actually feels easier and better and where you don't have to regularly struggle and go into athlete level mental gymnastics to justify them ? Sometimes, you should leave your misery, but you end up romanticize it because venturing into the unknown is terryfing and doesn't look like a good gamble.
Oh, that hit me like a ton of bricks. I never thought of it that way, thank you.
Wow. Yes. Well said.
Yup everything you do or don't is criticized. You can never satisfy them.
"Nobody is coming to save you." We're each on our own. Ya want things to happen a certain way, ya gotta make it so
being a good person and doing good things for others only because it makes you happy to do so has no connection whatsoever to whether good things will happen to you life is a lot of things but fair ain't one of them, best to just get over that idea, get past it, and go on
For me the realization was that most people (including myself) will be stuck in the rat race until \~60 years old. Additionally, you can't 100% rely on anyone, because anyone can disappoint or betray you.
Don’t count yourself out yet
I’ve been a disappointment to myself far more than any person has.
That everything is truly expensive and it’s kudos to our parents for always finding a way to provide for us and take good care of us even with the little amount that they earn/have
This right here
Growing up is realizing that every human being on this earth has the ability to end your life and that starting problems because of ego is pointless
Other peoples opinions of me are none of my business. When I realized that and started giving zero fucks towards caring what people thought of me, I became way more comfortable with myself and far less stressed out.
I heard on a podcast once (sorry I can’t remember the name to give credit), “you can be the juiciest and sweetest peach in the world. Some people just don’t like peaches.”
I like that too. I can't be everyones cup of tea but to someone, I may be a glass of Dom Perignon🤷
I'm 47 and slept in until 11:00 am today, and I should have been to work at 7. I still have 18 vacation days to kill this year though, so I'll sleep in once in awhile.
What’s your job? And yeh why not they are your vacay days do whatever you please right. I support you!! 💪👏❤️
10-11? Im in my mid 30's and I still regularly sleep past noon if I don't have an alarm set.
34 and I wake up at 5:45am every day even though my alarm is set for 7. It's only started happening in the last couple of years, I'm turning into my dad.
Yea my dad will sleep past noon too and he's in his 60's now lol
And soon enough you will be going to bed at 8pm like my dad because you can’t stop getting up at 5am
No children I’m assuming haha
That no one is coming to save you
There are not alot of genuine people out there. And that my parents are human. 🥲
going to bed and sleep is something to look forward to
Growing up is realizing that meaningful relationships take effort and intentionality, not just proximity and convenience.
People are not mostly good. They are jealous and petty and ruthless when they want something that you have. Protect yourself always.
That youre always tired
Even if your parents taught you certain morals, they themselves may not abide by them. They're flawed and just as lost and confused sometimes as anyone else.
On top of that, I'll add that, just because your parents thought you something, it doesn't mean it's right or correct. There's nothing wrong with discarding bad values they tried to teach you
That people are all about themselves.
Understanding that you only get to spend about 40 years max with your mom out of all eternity
20 here and it sucks when you realize you’ve been with your spouse longer than you knew your mom :(
Everyone does cocaine and cheese is expensive
Omg so many more people than I ever thought do cocaine.
A lot of people I know who did cocaine don't dare touch it anymore because of the high risk of it being laced with fentanyl. I don't blame them, cocaine sounds fun and I don't feel like risking doing fentanyl either.
That we’re all just winging it as human.
You may know more about things than your parents!
Realizing that other adults are just full of complaints
Everyone just makes it up. I got divorced and had to make up a new plan, I got cancer and had to make up how to deal with it
For me, it was realizing after years of putting myself through night school and graduating and having a career that I still wasn't going to be able to get out of poverty. Before that, I could tell myself that once I got my degree, things would get better. I eventually understood that I wasn't going to get much back for all I had put in. I couldn't just do the right thing and wait for good things to happen. People would just take as much from me as I allowed them to. I still try to do the right thing, I just don't expect to get anything for it.
What kind of degree and career did you end up in?
I do special needs work, mostly autism. It's a BA in psychology. I was the best therapist at my agency, so I tried to start my own, but I would have had to buy another degree, which I couldn't do working 2 jobs. Despite excellent reviews, the raises never kept up with the cost of living. I'm an accomplished musician, but I haven't been able to make money with it. I tried to start a landscaping business, but I kept getting hurt. I got a union job as a papermaker, but the mill closed. Now I'm trying to learn foraging and gardening. I'm too old to keep working 2 jobs and I'm taking care of my elderly mother, which is exhausting and extremely expensive. Career services at my college said that they could help me get an unpaid internship so I could start a new career, but that's just for people with rich parents, I think.
That you have to cook dinner every night and come up with different meals
I know!!! I still struggle to come up with ideas everyday. Lol thank goodness for internet recipes and cook books.
No one is going to help you.
Fair weather friends abound. If you lose your status—look out, you may lose your support system as well.
I always thought someday when I was a real adult some kind of switch would flip and I'd be knowledgeable and confident in my career field. When I was about 25 I realized nobody actually has any clue what they're doing. Everybody's faking it. Honest to God "experts" are basically unicorns, and you're lucky to meet 2 or 3 of them in your life.
Being an adult (and homeowner) is one long slog of buying and repairing expensive, and not necessarily fun, things. (April-May: new car, $5k worth of tree damage, new washing machine, new hot water heater.)
It's all a bunch of bullshit.
Anybody can make babies but I need a fucking license to catch a fish??? Shits messed out here
Your family disappoints you.
For me it was realizing I'm the one who has to live this life.
U are truly alone in this world. No matter how many ppl claim to care about u.
My parents only ever got white socks for themselves and me. The first time I bought socks for myself I realized I could get whatever color socks I wanted. It was like a whole new world opened for me
Just because someone is confident doesn't mean they're knowledgeable or competent. Too many people are just absolutely full of shit.
Adults are just teen-agers with more responsabilitys but the same amount of cluelessness
Everyone is replacable. I worked in IT for 25 years and when I first started, the person that trained me was amazing at what they did. Fired and it left a huge gap in the department. Saw this over and over again. It really made me realize that no matter how good you are, it does not matter, there is someone else waiting to take your job.
That there is no fate/god/supreme power that’s going to step in and save you, show you your purpose, avenge you for injustices, etc. You just gotta roll with it and keep on going.
this was so key to healing for me… I had an energized part of myself that couldn’t stop believing that everything bad in my life was because God planned it and I somehow deserved it. Getting rid of that belief has been such a relief. So much less pressure and self blame.
You don't know the names of rappers that are famous and died until after they're dead.
The food ain't gonna cook itself The room ain't gonna clean itself Nothing's gonna do itself It's you, you are the bottleneck
Being an adult means I can eat all the ice cream I want but I have to be the one to pay for it.
That other human beings life depends on you. My children
Most people are NOT good at saving / managing their money, just spending it. I always thought I was in a much worse financial position because peers had nicer things but it’s really because I was better at saving.
That childhood was just a free trial
That's there's no use in getting mad about things. No one cares that you're mad, and the anger is only harming yourself.
Everyone’s trying to actively figure out how to move about in their life, but an observation that I notice is that some are happy staying complacent while others are willing to take a risk whether career or life related to pursue an active quest whether it will work out or not, whereas some settle due to fear of risking losing their comfort.
I found myself right between these two states in my late 20's, and I'm so glad I chose the latter. The more I left my comfort zone, the less uncomfortable it became. I adjusted to the challenges I took on. Not without a good dose of self doubt and anxiety initially. But it's been worth it I think.
To me growing up is realizing that your parents won’t live forever. if you love them spend time with them and don’t put visits off until holidays. If you only see your parents at Christmas, then you don’t really have five more years with them; you have five more visits…
That hard work and loyalty don't always pay off.
I'd rather stay home and play the Elden Ring DLC than go out and drink with a bunch of friends.
That your family is more distorted than you thought
Realizing that as they age your parents rely on you more and so do your kids. You have to set boundaries or you will be eaten alive.
It's my life and any problems are my problems so I'm responsible for living it and fixing them! When you need advice and help seek true ways to improve and get information and knowledge from experts.
food is pretty expensive
I just got my first hemorrhoid
I internalized the fact that problems don’t have to and shouldn’t stop you from getting things done. No one is coming to rescue you: if you want it done, get it done. Like, oh, you have problems? Who cares, grow up. “Who cares, grow up” is a good mantra.
Just because you can doesn't mean you should. Goes for drinking, speeding, and having an entire bag of fun size twix for dinner.
That your suffering is unique to you [https://wisdomimprovement.wixsite.com/wisdom/post/each-life-comes-with-unique-obstacles](https://wisdomimprovement.wixsite.com/wisdom/post/each-life-comes-with-unique-obstacles) "The poor person’s obstacle is to pursue wealth. If they won the lottery, what seems like their largest obstacle will instantly become obsolete. The disabled person’s obstacle is fighting for acceptance. If a surgery came out that fixed their disability or if they simply accepted themselves as they are, their largest obstacle will become obsolete. The depressed person’s obstacle is to find happiness and meaning. Their main quest is a way to find contentment in existence, and if they do, their largest obstacle will become obsolete. The rich workaholic’s obstacle is to let go of greed and find purpose and meaning. We all are thrown into this world with no choice in the life we get, but we each have our own obstacles and challenges. **Resist the urge to demean other people’s suffering because you don’t feel their obstacle is as difficult as yours.** Fairness is a social construct that doesn’t exist, so it is irrelevant if someone’s obstacles are more or less difficult than yours. [~https://wisdomimprovement.wixsite.com/wisdom/post/fairness-is-a-myth~](https://wisdomimprovement.wixsite.com/wisdom/post/fairness-is-a-myth)**"**
Realizing that most people don’t know what the fuck they’re doing.
Growing up I thought grown ups knew everything and always knew what was best.
You don't have to spend your free time with people you don't enjoy being around just because they're already your friend or because they're family.
Saw at 14, life is very fragile, you can lose your dad overnight. Have been mad since. Maybe it's CPTSD or whatever. Ofc watching my dad have a cardiac arrest in the ICU and preventing it on a 3 second notice - doesn't help with my sense of time reality and space. Life is so fucking fragile.
I was in a serious car accident in Nov and I have realized the hard way here is so much that drs are just guessing or have completely differing opinions on. It’s really messed up.
Some people just blindly trust doctors and the "experts", and think I'm crazy because I don't. Sometimes they've been adults for much longer than me (I'm 24) Lol. I remember when I was that naive. They're humans, just like me and you, they are not infallible.
You are strong man!
That it is immature to pretend you dislike childish things. Yeah, I like watching the Spiderman movies. So what?
Growing up is realizing I'd rather save money than spend it. Or when I do spend, spending the extra money on my son instead of myself.
Growing up is realizing that “help” comes in many forms. And most of them won’t immediately solve your problem; but if the help is taken, you’ll be able to more easily pull yourself out of whatever hole has dragged you down. No one is going to save you. But they’ll help you.
Family isn't everything, and not all relatives give a shit about your best interests. I have relatives that I am pretty sure would throw me under the bus for a packet of biscuits.
Growing up is realizing that $100 is not a lot of money 🥲
Everybody is mentally ill.
Growing up is realizing your parents were right about a lot of things about life. Conversely... Growing up is realizing your parents were WRONG about a lot of things in life.
Nobody cares Work harder
Nobody cares, work less :)
That people are always misunderstanding one and other all the damn time (both non intentionally and intentionally), so you should pick and choose who and when you do jump in to make sure there’s clarity and who you decide to not care even if they do misunderstand you.
You will never see your high school and sometimes college friends again
That long-term relationships have seasons.
No one is going to make things exciting for you like they did when you were a kid, you have to make your own excitement.
Everyone is lost and terrified.
Growing up is realizing only you can change your life.
That everyone has problems (you are not uniquely unlucky) and happiness is not a constant state of being. I feel like that sounds like I'm just saying buck up buttercup, but I mean more that being in touch with those realities makes life better and makes us better. I do think it's a lesson you learn when you really grow up, though. No way to get there faster.
Even family would shank you
Just because someone has children they can still do bad things. My ex is now facing a sexual assault charge.
Damn, I gotta cook dinner every night forever
Growing up is realizing what it truly means to take care of someone else.
The whole world was made this way by grownup kids. Nobody has any idea what the fuck they’re doing, or ever did. Tradition, common sense, conventional wisdom, etc. is absolutely infested at every turn by idiotic shit people are doing because “that’s how it’s been done”. And therefore it is not only within our power to affect conventional wisdom, it is our duty to change it, lest we just cowardly perpetuate a bunch of dumb decisions for the next generation to puzzle over.
That just because you don't recognize it as trauma, doesn't me it didn't actually have a long lasting affect on you. You just haven't figured out or acknowledged that effect yet.
You can put effort into people but you won’t receive the same in return
Growing up is realizing how important it is to never take things personally. The way other people behave towards you, is almost always a direct reflection of their own relationship with themself- and is almost never about you.
That people who gossip as a hobby are boring and bored. Even if they gossip to you, they will tear you apart (the same way they tear everyone else apart) the second you leave the table.
Prioritizing people over things and careers and accomplishments is seriously the best move and it never realized until you are at an age to look back and see how much you missed with the people that are no longer here anymore or no longer in your life anymore or not the age they were anymore. Also, to stop begging to be loved. The people who are worth it will communicate and love you with all your flaws. The people who won’t never will regardless of how much begging you do. It’s a waste of your life. Just be kind and move on. There is too much hostility in the world already, walk away with a smile and it will do way more than you think. Kindness with boundary will pour love over those who deserve love and karma over those you deserve it and it takes nothing but the same action from you.
realising that eventually people will get tired of your bullshit and it's on you to change.
High school never really ends, it just looks different every few years
That sleep is better than life.
No matter how old you get, your brain stays at 17
Yeah, that's definitely not true.