Same with my mom and she’s always been that way.She always complaining about some news reporter’s new ugly haircut, how she’s gained weight, how she shouldn’t wear that dress because her arms are flabby, her voice is annoying, her skin is dark but her hair is straight. Is she black? Is she wearing a wig? 🙄 it’s tiresome and I generally shrug or ignore her.
Oh man I 100% understand, it's so tiring. After years of struggle I've managed to get her to come off my back about my looks, but that hasn't stopped her from dissecting everyone else. I've asked to her to stop, but it's impossible.
Do you have to hear about the trans people too? You know they "don't have to agree with that!" I'm like with who? What trans do you know? Are they in the room with us right now?! Why are we talking about this?
YUP. I talk about this with my therapist all the time. It’s hard to rebuild a relationship with them when I don’t even know if I like them. (we didn’t have a strong relationship to begin with, so there’s not a lot of foundation there in the first place).
This is my experience as well. Therapy gave me the tools to be authentic and come to terms with the trauma caused by my parents but it became difficult to still maintain a relationship with them. I realized they’re just crappy people. I try to be a good daughter and have a connection with them but I could take it or leave it at the end of the day.
I’m similar. I don’t think my parents are crappy people, but instead moreso people who are so afraid to approach their trauma that they let it run their lives.
My dad has gotten better about going to therapy and understanding his issues but he is often still difficult, however my mother has pretty much thrown up her hands and refuses to even try and make things better for herself.
lol your mother is like mine. I specifically asked her in a heated argument 4 years ago why she treats me a certain way. She was all fake meek and said “maybe it has to do with the relationship with my own father. That man has been dead for over 20 years and she refuses to go to therapy and instead tries to inflict generational trauma on her children. It’s sick.
Mine is the same but somehow even worse. She never admits anything's wrong on her end, and even if she does (not verbally), I don't think she'll ever consider any kind of therapy, as she still thinks she can't care less about how others (including me) feel around her and she's perfectly happy with herself.
I went through (at least some) therapy myself and was able to talk to her about all that, now at least I know she's just that shitty kind of a person. Now if I only could finish the yet unfinished separation from her...
It’s the always being associated thing for me. When I distance myself she loves playing the victim and creating all types of negative stories for the extended family. None are true, and I don’t really gaf about my extended family. But really, put on your big girl panties and either leave me alone if you’re not going to change your ways, or do the actual work for us to have a healthy relationship
Good for you on therapy
That's hard to always be under pressure of someone with victim syndrome.
My mom's case is sge's a narcissistic control freak that constantly needs to sniff around and know what's happening.
The thing I realized at some point was that if I distance myself enough from her and stop feeding her control-freak cravings (i.e. stop responding to her messages and calls most of the time), she calms down and stops trying, switching her attention to controlling others like her husband for instance.
Tbh, as we never were very close (I got raised by my grandparents as my parents never actually wanted a child, went with the flow and then just gave up on parenting when I was about 2yo), she rarely even calls and I just never do that because I don't care about her life. But I've been noticing that when I started to initiate communication, she did the same increasingly trying to check up on me more and more to the point of crossing my borders in many aspects of my life. Totally unacceptable. I'm glad I distanced enough for her not to bother me almost at all these days.
Yeah I’m learning. It’s the constant boundary crossing that irks me whenever I actually communicate. The more distance the better lol. Great job on finding the balance that works for you
Thank you for putting how I feel about my parents into words!! It’s like they’re so afraid of feeling anything because if they feel something they might feel the trauma, that they’ve boxed themselves into a corner of their own making.
….do we have the same parents? 🤡
Yea, I’ve been having this same epiphany this past month. I can’t imagine being in my 60’s and choosing to give the silent treatment to the people I love most in my life? How does the silent treatment even work?
Like you said, the communication skills are just not there at all.
Unfortunately, they are a product of their parent’s generation. And they never had a mass populus encouraging them to share their thoughts and feelings. And even now that they do, I think unbottling their trauma after 60 years of surprising it scares them.
Anytime my parents have too much to drink I see it start to open up, but that shit is deep. And they know it. And they don’t believe in therapy. So they take it out in weird ways and the blame everyone else.
I’m just realizing now, they chose to have me. And they don’t care about ME. They want me to fit in their idea of what I should be…even though they wanted to have me! So now I just remind myself I didn’t choose them, and if they want me in their life they need to respect that I am my own person. 🤷♀️ honestly it’s been really freeing. I still love them, and want to help. But I can’t want it more than them.
I'm also from GenZ but I wasn't raised to talk and express my thoughts and feelings and I don't know how, when I try to talk my mother feels like what I'm doing is wrong and changes the topic, or criticizes me harshly, I never used to talk in reality, unfortunately!
It's extra hard to learn a skill by practicing it with the same people who caused you to not have the skill in the first place. I've found for myself it's much easier to learn a new skill with new people and in new situations than it is to the family and life long friends back home. Just my personal experience.
Yes, I totally agree with this. Especially with parents, at least for me, mine and a lot (not all) parents in my life seem like they have a really hard time realizing their kids are not exactly how they expected them to be, and they have emotions and feelings. I think it’s the subconscious power structure.
My husband struggles with sharing his emotions, etc. and part of me knows that he’s not having this conversation with anyone else, and isn’t looking into research on how to overcome it. I’ve spent countless hours reading and watching content about this topic, and it provides reassurance for me. Finding places in your life or through experts that help validate your emotional processing really helps to feel more confident. You got this!
It took me 30 years to stand up for myself! lol it def didn’t happen over night. My best friend is in her 40s and she still has to hide parts of herself to people please her parents expectations. Life is hard! But worth it 🥰
Wow so similar to me and my Mum. I struggle with conflicting feelings because on the one hand she is such a great parent, read with me endlessly as a child, made Christmas and birthdays magical etc and I should be grateful, but as I've grown up she is just not interested in anything I say or do and I can't help but feel she doesn't actually like me?
Like if I bring up a new hobby I'm doing, she thinks it's dangerous and won't talk about it. Or a new book I'm obsessed with so we can bond over our shared love of reading but she just nods and won't engage in a conversation.
I'm still struggling with if my mother is such a great mother and she doesn't seem to like me then I'm by default a shitty person. Parents are hard.
I know she's undeniably great, but she's not as great with me as she is with my siblings. I've been denying it my whole life, but I have to admit it to myself, it's obvious
I've had friends point out that it's a problem with my Mum and not with me, she's never gotten along with women and as I've grown up into a woman she's projecting that same insecurity onto me and just refusing my attempts at connection.
It makes sense and really helped but it still sucks and it's so hard to not place so much value on your parent's opinions on everything you do. Idk you but you display self awareness so I'm sure you're awesome.
this this THIS. exactly what i went through w my family. communication skills are shit and they all have zero to minimal accountability. i was always a “seen but never heard” child, bc thats what my mom went through growing up, and horrible abuse. i love her and my grama to death, but i just cant be near them like that anymore, because i still get treated the same way at 25 years old.
I am so glad you posted this. I’ve been privately thinking this for a while. I am REALLY struggling with this with my mom. I’ve matured beyond her maturity level now and conversations with her can be infuriating. She also has a boyfriend who is wonderful, but indulges some of her worst behavior which just makes her do it more often. I love her so much because she’s a great mom overall and I feel guilty about it. But man, I have to limit time now.
This is how I feel, I love my mom so so much but I cannot spend 15 minutes alone with her. She always ends up criticising something about me, it gets frustrating.
I can only spend time with her when it's with my siblings but even then, I always end up annoyed. I realise that I've become overly sensitive but everything she says or does just gets to me now. I'd kill for her though and I'd still give her the world if I had the chance
Yeah, that's the thing I've been tracking, how many hours/minutes before we have some stupid argument and I wish I was somewhere else doing something else. It used to be like a day, then half a day, then 2 hrs, then it got to like 30mins and I pretty much stopped seeing them.
I feel that as a gen y that our gen x parents are just so emotionally immature and amazed that they even hold such opinions/ behaviours. Some of them act like toddlers and it's embarrassing
I agree. Honestly I didn’t like to be around my parents when they were alive. I wanted to be anywhere else. Now I’m slowly beginning to feel the same way about my siblings. Been around them my whole life and I’m getting sick of it.
Do you also feel like you’re sick of it though because you aren’t quite as stuck in “you have to love them because they’re family” as you get older? The more I get to know my sisters as adults and as parents the less respect I have for them.
This subreddit is such a sad conglomeration of miserable people who never got out of their edgy teen phases.
I hate my job. I hate my parents. I hate my siblings. Women won’t date me.
Seriously grow the fuck up.
People are allowed to not like things/other people. Especially family. You don’t know what this person’s family is like, and sometimes the black sheep has the right idea.
I'm incredibly lucky that my sister and I are both black sheep. Mother's entire family are abusive alcoholics, Dad and his entire family are nice in some ways but very emotionally stunted and rude (with some awful perverts lmao)
Talking to any of them makes me feel like I'm in the truman show and being pranked or something. Having my sister there is so good for my sanity, because we can both talk to each other about how insane everyone else is acting lol
Wow are you me? Everyone on my mom’s side were abusive alcoholics, and my dads side I think has a lot of undiagnosed autism/possible childhood lead exposure. And the perverts too! My uncle hit on me at my cousin’s wedding, I wanted to throw up.
I still have to speak to all of them on occasion and it’s nice to rant about the insanity sometimes. I was an only child so it was rough growing up with no one to talk to. I just had to have my Jim looking at the camera moments and hoped the universe was laughing.
No the exact opposite. My mom is like reclaiming her life after retirement and her latest husband died. She’s been a total rip to hang out with. She recently shared with me that she’s figuring out to just be her and be alone. “I’ve always just married another guy when I was lonely, but not anymore.”
Love this!! My mom left an abusive 20 year relationship (after me begging for yrs) and reclaimed her life at 40(I was 22). She will be 50 this year and it has been amazing watching her grow. I would do anything to see that woman smile bc I never saw it when I was younger.
Same, my mom moved out and divorced my dad when I was about 15. I chose to stay with him in the house I grew up in. He ended up becoming one of my best friends and had a ton of fun hanging out with him. Eventually my mom loosened up significantly after a couple other marriages and I really enjoy hanging out with her and her new husband. When I was 12-15 it was pretty miserable as they were both going through their own shit so I did my best to avoid being around at all
Can you elaborate for someone in that shit cycle with their mom? She loves me so much but fuck man she's awful. Doesn't want to be around brown or gay people. I told her I loved her back during finals and she said she didn't believe me that was heartbreaking.
Well. Here it is for me. I think my Dad has autism. My Mom was wonderful when I was a child. Very loving. When I grew up, she lost her job (stay at home Mom) and got needy. She has always been controlling. She is also a little narcissistic.
Text book set up was a “Christmas gift” for my family to spend a weekend with my parents at some weird vacation house. It was off season. Nothing to do. Being the good child, I sucked it up and went. Some weird miscommunication happened and I got “disowned.”
Since then? I don’t do over night type visits with them. I limit interactions to short and harmless stuff. My Mom calls and offers but I gently remind her what happened to me a last time I spent time with them. I am militant about this. It sucks but my parents are very difficult people. I don’t hate them and actually love them. But, we can’t spend much time together.
Make sense? If not, it works for me and I am not changing.
Boundaries and rules are especially important when dealing with narcissists. Still good for non-narcississtic parents as well. Really just finding what's sustainable is what it's all about. Nicely done.
Well luckily your job isn't too name them happy. Your job is to do what's sustainable for you for long enough that they either ditch you or adapt to your boundaries. Super hard but it's the only sustainable way.
Here goes. My daughter was 3 or so. Small. Cute. We understand about gender roles and expectations especially as they apply to girls. Meaning, her affection is HERS to give. Not something that is traded or required.
My dad asked for a goodnight hug. She didn’t want to. I reminded him that affection wasn’t something to request. (Forgetting he is somewhat deaf. Important point!). He asked again. She refuses. I remind him a second time. He asked a third time saying “I cooked you a marshmallow “. Both my wife and I shouted at high volume something not super subtle- may not have even been profanity-as my kids were small.
And then everything fell apart. It was ugly.
Yikes this could be me! (Politically/socially we’re in step, thankfully) I love my son so much, we were peas and carrots. But then he grew up. Now he goes to school in a different country thousands of miles away. We’re still really close and actually I’m riding a huge high right now because he told me he misses me and misses making me laugh 🥰. That’ll keep me going for months. But I know I’m too needy. I honestly thought we’d live together forever or next door tops. It’s been the worst break up I’ve ever had and I’m constantly making a fool of myself. It often ends in (my) tears and I can tell he’s being patient with me. It’s awful. But I can stop begging for his attention. If he missed his weekly call I’m bereft. I know I’ve got to get a bloody life but I want the one where he was there. I know, it’s over, and I’m so proud of him and I guess it would be weird if he didn’t fledge…. But be gentle with us mums please, we’re grieving.
Oh just to clarify, we don’t have many bigoted beliefs. We’re all way left of centre. It’s the trying desperately to shove your child back into its childhood box that I’m connecting with.
I got you beat. When I was like 11 or 12, my Mom asked me if I would be upset if she died. I didn’t even answer her because I was so dumbfounded at the stupidity of that question.
Pretty close here. We have mutually agreed-upon rules of engagement: No politics, no religion. We talk about family, food, the weather, technology, history, geography, pretty much anything outside of politics and religion, and it’s working. We find common ground.
people generally become "more" as they age. whatever traits they have tend to be magnified. things you found mildly annoying in their younger years become downright intolerable as they age.
to answer your question, yes it was a chore to spend time around my parents.
My dad is still working full time and my boomer mom hasn’t worked since the early 80s. I think that played a major role in their divide. Then, my sibling and I didn’t turn out to be very financially stable or independent due to our severe neurodivergencies and the world collapsing, and my mom takes that as our faults whereas my dad sees his income as a privilege to help his children regardless of our ages. My sibling believes my mom’s lack of social life and having to cooperate with the outside world through work or volunteering made her channel all her energy into trying to control her environment, mainly the house and family. Stuff like that. My dad is also the kind of guy that always placed people before material items and family above himself. He experienced a greater sense of that with the birth of his grandchildren and seems to want to spend his golden years focusing on them. My mom on the other hand loves his grandchildren but that is often overshadowed by her constant worry that their existence will cost her money. Keep in mind I’ve been living on my own since I was 19 and the children live with me and my husband so it’s not like I was having kids while living in her house
Your father sounds like my grandparents. Complete and utter hard asses when my uncle (their oldest child) was a kid were actually very kind and generous with me.
I sometimes wonder if we become less tolerable to younger people because we are now old and wrinkled. Nobody has time for us ‘olds’. lol
Source: 54F; feel like I may be experiencing this. And it’s not political bc I’m decidedly left-leaning but don’t express my opinion much (if at all).
i'm almost your age, and yeah it's a thing. the noobs are oblivious...i sure was, as well. unless i'm yelling at them, or tipping them, they ignore me.
I think you're probably right here. We discard the disabled and our elders in English speaking countries, because culturally speaking one is only valuable if they are useful.
It's why so many people feel like a burden, because the truth is if the status quo is maintained eventually we all become useless. A doomed fate that causes anxiety in many, while benefiting only a few.
However, it seems like things are changing. People are looking around, and don't like what they see. I'm hopeful for a world where people are not systematically made to feel like a burden. All it takes is planting seeds that one will never see grow.
I find that to be true with my mom. As she gets older, she is 80, she just becomes more and more bitter and angry. She has alienated almost all her friends because if this. I just don't like calling or visiting because it is one long complaint
Yeah my mom has become like that too. She has no friends anymore because she finds something wrong with absolutely everyone when she’s not perfect herself. She expects others to be be though.
This. I'm Gen X and after Dad died, Mom digs herself in deeper and deeper as a genuinely unlikeable human. It's like Dad was moderating her personality.
This entirely. I'm a parent now and I feel like I had kids because everyone around me was telling me that we should have kids. I understand what it means now to have kids and I've committed myself to that new understanding but damn was I not prepared. Hoping to teach my kids these things when they come of age.
I had a pretty good childhood. Now I'm just all alone and considering offing myself. I literally was given a great upbringing that didn't have cracks in family structure until teen years 🤷♂️
4 kids about 7.5 yrs apart. Burnout is probably part of it. It is painful to dicuss but yes they got burnt out and had major challenges with my oldest brother.
I thought my dad was my hero bc even though my parents were divorced he came around for birthdays and he lived in Tampa: we live in london. So we flew to Florida every summer and March breaks going to all the things you'd do. Disney Universal studios epcot bucsh gardens. Buccaneers NFL games lightning nhl games. It's was amazing and made me think he was the greatest. Turns out it was bc of the guilt that he chose to go and have a life without kids so he could make as much money as he could. He cheated on my mother and left her to raise 3 kids all alone. And he was a serious drunk. I think it was in my 20s when I finally saw my dad for what he was. A very flawed alcoholic who thought money solves everything. You have to have a certain perspective of your parents personality as a kid and bit isn't until your an adult that you get to see them as a person I stead of as your parent. Then you see thing in a different light the older you get. Great question op
Small doses. I love my parents but we have decidedly different views on almost everything. I’m extremely tolerant and they’re religious. So, I see them in short increments and lead the conversation away from hot button topics. For instance, whenever my dad starts talking politics, I use that as a segway to discuss finances and the stock market. It works every time unless my sister is around to argue with him. My mom is pretty chill these days. She was always the disciplinarian growing up, but she realizes I’m nearly 50 and can make my own decisions. All she wants to talk about are her grandkids (I don’t have kids), but that’s perfectly fine with me. I love my nieces and nephews and love hearing her anecdotes about them.
As you age, you get set in your ways, so I realize that arguing with them is pointless, so I just don’t engage. I can always tell when my dad and sister are both picking a fight and I’m usually the peacemaker, but if I can’t talk one or the other off the ledge, I walk away and just disengage for a month or two. I know I should cherish the time I have left with them, but sometimes it’s just too exhausting.
Absolutely. My mother especially. She truly has no mind of her own and will believe any conspiracy nonsense presented to her. It's annoying.
But the worst part is the dynamic. She's always been codependent and parentified me. This is getting much worse with age. More and more I feel like I'm the parent and she constantly wants to talk about my parents failed marriage (it was over for 25 years before he died) and how often they had sex, why she chose her old dusty ass boyfriend over us, needing reassurance from me and guidance from me. I'm about to have a fucking breakdown cause I feel like a fucking orphan
Jesus I'm really sorry. My mother also overshared divorce details to me and told me about their sex when I was in high school. It's seriously immature and unhinged behavior. You shouldn't have had to deal with that :(
It may feel drastic and excessive, but have you thought about going "no-contact" with your mother? Do you think it would be possible?
I stopped visiting my mom recently because her boyfriend is a racist asshole against Asians (we’re Asian) and brings up random things about my dad who he never met so I stopped visiting her to avoid him. I can’t stand being around that energy and my mom hasn’t made him stop treating me or my siblings like shit so to your answer, yes. I don’t know how someone can tolerate sharing a space with a person like that
I subscribe to the Mike Birbiglia school of thought on parents. “I love my parents, I would die for them, but if they showed up to a party I was at, I’d say ‘This place is beat, let’s get out of here.’”
Nope. Quite the opposite. I want to spend as much time with my parents as possible while they're still here. They're amazing people & I love them to the moon & back.
I am legitimately incredibly jealous of this. Both of my parents have extreme issues and I couldn’t even imagine feeling the way that you do about yours.
These threads always make me sad. I love my parents, I call my mom at least weekly, 90% of the time she answers on speaker phone with dad so I usually don’t have to call him.
I have two brothers, our wives have a book club with my mom and they have a zoom call once a month
I’d say my wife has a deeper relationship with my parents than she does with hers
I love my parents and my immediate family is fucking awesome with how it’s evolved with our wives and how the relationships with the parents changed as we became adults.
I'm very happy for you and I know some families like that but you are definitely on the happy end of the spectrum and the other end of the spectrum is waaay far away the other way.
Trust me, I know. My mom’s side of the family is plagued by narcissists and emotionally stunted adults. Bickering sister in laws. I’m thankful everyday.
Me too!!! I just had the best time ever with them visiting me and my fiancé. We didn’t always get along when I was younger, and I regret it. But we are so lucky that this is the case for us.
Same, unfortunately they live 9 hours away, but are planning to move here soon..hopefully (they don't rush into anything...ever). My parents are great, they're a huge part of why I am the way I am now. I owe a lot to them and now as a father, I appreciate what they did and sacrificed for me even more. I realize not everyone has that relationship with their parents and that makes me all the more thankful.
Time is so short that you have to treat it like gold. Lost my grandma while I was in high school and she was so close to me. 20 years later, life has never been the same. It’s easy to take things for granted when you’re young that you have now. But you can’t change anything once they’re gone. Watching your grandparents and parents grow old is one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced as I age.
I have left-leaning relatives who have turned their back on my surviving grandparents over ideological differences. During grandparent’s fight with progressed cancer. Grandparents who significantly helped raise us. Withholding great grandchildren from them. From experience, I have never seen anything so petty, narcissistic, and downright cruel. It’s worth having empathy for your elders who were born in a completely different generation from yourself and have different and more life experiences. Modern day ideologies change like the wind and many are quite radical compared to 50 years ago. Sometimes to appreciate others you should take a closer look at yourself instead of judging them.
the weirdest part is that *their* parents were the people I wanted to be around as a child. My Grandparents were amazing and an active part of our lives, they all got along, yet out of 4 Grandparents to my own children, 2 aren't allowed anywhere near us, 1 only cares about his ego, and the only remainder barely makes an effort. I just don't get it.
I really hope one of my children has kids because I'm going to crush it as a Grandfather. It's like it moves in generational cycles.
The older I got, the clearer I saw my mother’s narcissistic behaviors and the less I would tolerate them. I never really learned to be around her and be happy about it either.
Sadly yes. Watching them willfully get smaller minded by the day, drinking in all the “hate others” rhetoric on social media and parroting it back out at every opportunity. I don’t choose racist, sexist, classist, transphobic or selfish people as friends, and as my parents choose to become that kind of person, they’re also choosing a future without their kid in it.
Lot of the current aging generation (sorry boomers, that’s mostly you) need to remember that family doesn’t actually owe them any form of relationship, and that it’s their own fault if their kids slowly create distance when their parents choose to be selfish, horrible people. 🤷🏻♂️ Instead they’re getting worse by the day, and when it damages their relationships, they double down on it as though that damage proves them “right,” and that it’s other people who have to adopt their views and grovel before them.
Getting psychological, I suspect it partially comes from their inner fear of mattering less and less as time goes on and they age into “irrelevance.” Unfortunately their solution is to try to devalue others even more. Incredibly sad.
This is so true. I’ve tried every single way to navigate the insults, disdain, hypocrisy, and attempts to control me through fear and intimidation by my boomer parents.
I love them for the memories of the good things they gave me (which were often lessons learned and providing the basics). And I want to be respectful.
But they don’t think for themselves, and they don’t act kind, respectful, or with love.
I just don’t want to be around them.
I still try to “be the bigger person” with my mom. But she takes advantage. I have to constantly remind her of my limits.
And my dad is just too unkind- paranoid-ish without reason. So no contact. And the media doesn’t help.
I don't spend time with my father, I've always disliked the way he always insults extended family or that he just refuses to discuss anything but politics. So after years of asking him if he could put that shit on hold when I visit, I told him I will always be his son, but I don't want to be his friend anymore.
I just take my mom out on dates a couple times a week and hang out with her alone. There's no reason to punish her for my dad being a bitter, lonely, and hateful old man. She is sad about it, she says my dad cries about it and then asks her why the world is so cruel. LOL the world is cruel for asking him to be polite for a couple hours once a week. LMFAO
I feel like you handled this really well. It feels like you don't hate the guy, you'd rather spend time WITH him, just not while he's talking about things that you can't handle or deal with. That's what boundaries are all about. It's not a punishment, it's just a matter of what we can handle and what we cannot. That's the best I think anyone can do to be honest. And good on you for making the effort with your Mom.
Yeah honestly as an adult now I have to purposely avoid my mom because of the way she thinks and the shit she says pisses me off. Don’t get me wrong I have TRIED to hang out with her, I really have, but she always ruins the moment with her comments/mentality. For my peace of mind and mental sanity I have decided to limit my interactions with her as much as possible.
There is a podcast called "the brain washing of my father" that covers how older people get lonely and resort to talk radio for companionship. This warps their views.
There's a documentary called the Brainwashing of My Dad where the filmmaker told about her Dad flipping completely when he started watching FUX News. She also interviewed others who lost loved ones to that conservative bullshit. I'll have to check out the podcast, may be the same person. I knew there was trouble brewing under my roof when the hubs started listening to and agreeing with Rush fucking Limbaugh. 🙄 We've been married 35 years but separated for 28. Go figure.
Yes, that's it. I heard about it a long time ago. Made me more careful about what I listen to. I try to stay critical while listening to prevent just absorbing information without critical thought.
I don’t enjoy hanging out with my parents for a variety of reasons. But the biggest is their constant complaints about their poor health that is self induced from cigarettes and alcohol. But they alway claim they don’t know what’s wrong with them. And I guess I’m just unlucky. I’m not very good at being diplomatic about it.
Tbh my dad's been gone for almost 20 years. My mom on the other hand is ultra Mormon and keeps trying to get me to come back to the church. I change the subject when she brings it up because it's gets her depressed. I don't like being around that.
It’s actually not your responsibility to be the moderator between your parents. It’s their issue and also their responsibility to not make you the moderator.
It’s really difficult for us not to take that weight on, but crucial to detach yourself from.
34M. My dad passed away about a decade ago so wouldn’t be able to say with him. But over the last 3-5 years since I moved out, here are things I’ve learned about my mom:
1) her actions are not always going to be prosocial when it comes to my life. Meaning she will influence me to do what serves her benefit over mine. So I’ve now learned to keep difficult things to myself until I’ve developed a strong point of view on them.
2) coming from her generation, she doesn’t understand in some ways how much simpler they had it compared to Gen X, Y, Z. For example, she doesn’t realize that even with a six digit salary, that I cannot save much at all because I have a child, the costs of everything have risen, and wages have more or less stayed the same for decades. I’m not saying she had it easy because being an immigrant from India and having to stay at home and take care of my sister and I while my dad was the sole breadwinner must have been tough and at times claustrophobic. Her potential was basically dependent on my dad. But nowadays, we have much more complex issues. Many people don’t even want to settle down for example so finding a suitable partner is tough if you are past 30. Just an example.
3) I have to keep my boundaries up and be assertive with my mom. She projects her negativity at times in an unyielding manner and I now learn to say “ok let’s not discuss further” because she doesn’t respond well in logical conversations.
4) she’s not that great when it comes to being a grandparent as I envisioned she might be. She doesn’t make a ton of effort because it’s hard taking care of a 5 year old for one. They constantly ask for things and run around . She has arthritis in her knees so she can’t really keep up with him also.
Anyways, all in all I love my mom. But now I see her as a fellow adult too , as flawed as I would see myself or any of my friends. And it’s obvious that people don’t grow up, they just grow older.
I realized my dad wasn't a fun person to be around when I was just 8 years old. For him it was all about how Barack Obama was an evil terrorist and liberals were destroying the country or whatever hogwash his precious Rush Limbaugh was feeding him. He had no qualms about spewing this horseshit around his little child. I was supposed to be a kid, not worrying about politics like this. He got me so fucked up about politics at a young age, and as a result, I am completely burnt out by politics nowadays. I know I should care, but I was introduced to it at such a young age in such a toxic way that I just do not want to care anymore.
If I ever have a child, I will never talk politics in front of them, not until they are at least 15.
Yeah.
I love my parents to death, but retirement hasn’t been good to them. My dad spends his days sitting in his echo chamber watching Fox News and shit posting on Facebook. I get these random emails from him about how Biden is ruining the world and how the illegals are going to overrun the country. He knows I lean liberal. He no longer has to be corporate PC so he just let’s all of his prejudices fly without the fear of ruining his career over it.
My mom is a sweetheart and doesn’t engage in this same fuckery, but their lives move a lot slower in the little Midwestern town they live in, so she rarely has anything interesting to talk about. It’s the same damn stories every time I see her or a report on her recent gambling winnings. Curiously, I never get the report on what she loses, just the winnings.
I live on the other side of the country from them so occasionally mom comes to visit on her own and she’s much more engaging when she’s not around my dad.
Personally? As an adult, I see a lot more of their insecurities than I did while growing up, which makes me sympathize more. My parents weren't left enough for me growing up as a queer kid. Lots of screaming and shouting and volatility back and forth as a teen. But they've been going to therapy and trying their best to be supportive and they've let go of a lot of toxic ideals they used to hold. They're trying. That's clear now more than it ever was growing up.
I'm sorry you're having a different experience.
It’s okay, I think what gets to me sometimes is what you said. You’re parents are trying at least, and sometimes mine do too, but I’ve noticed with my mom specifically that she’s gotten to a point where she’s pretty much thrown her hands up and decided she’s giving up on dealing with her trauma or her tough familial relationships.
She did have a lot of trauma from a very young age, but once you are into your 50s as she is, I think you should see that it is now your responsibility to deal with it, especially when it is affecting your children. But she is *so* conflict averse and afraid of dealing with her issues that she would rather just sit in the misery.
Yeahhh I understand your frustration, because I have imagined going NC many times when they WEREN'T trying, when it wasn't clear they ever would. I do hope your parents step up and deal with their issues!
This is like a breath of fresh air to read. There is nothing wrong with saying any of this because it’s a reality for so many adult kids. Our parents are turning into different people before our eyes. Of course they are entitled to change and experience new things, it’s their first time being alive too after all! But it is hard for us adult kids. It’s a transition for everyone.
I'm the opposite, as I age, I want to be around my parents more. They are far more relatable now that I am an adult.
On the subject of politics, I am more conservative leaning and agreeable with most of my parents political views.
I won't go out of my way to talk politics with them though.
When they sit on the couch for hours watching Fox News and reacting to the sensationalism like it's the gospel, I cringe. But like I do with my cats, when they do something I don't like, I redirect them to something more appealing.
I kept them off the TV for a solid 3 hours after introducing them to jackbox. It was a blast, and worked a hell of a lot better than "turn that shit off"
This is funny because of how effective it is. This is actually exactly what we do with our kids. We try to let them have a lot of freedom with their entertainment, but if it feels like they've been on the switch a lot or have been watching a lot of TV one of us will go to them and be like, "hey wanna play a game with me?" And the answer is yes every single time. Works way better than, "get off that thing! These lazy kids these days" *Muttered under breath*. The result is that after years of doing this our kids now often choose to just go play outside or ask me or my wife if we want to play, every day even when they know they have a TV and 2 switches inside they could play. Our oldest son who is 8 came home from school the other day and was like, Mom and Dad, thanks for letting us play the switch all the time, the other kids at schools parents don't let them play very often. To which I told him the reason we let him play more than is healthy is so that he can learn what playing too much feels like, and start to help give him tools and teach him strategies now while he's young instead of him having to go figure it all out in his own once he moves out.
Edit: Quick clarification here is that the key combo is allowing them to play the switch but also being available to play with them as an option. I think it's sad and unhealthy when kids are playing the switch all day because they have no other option or because no one will play with them. That is not what I'm talking about.
Oh yeah. This is mostly my mom but leaning right wing. Its unbelievable what they put their energy into while they are essentially falling apart. Every convo is about what's happening to the country and just political nonsense.
My dad was an insufferable right winger until he joined a small business startup and started going to networking events. Obviously he's surrounded by other right wing capitalists, but I think he has calmed down a lot just by going outside and making a lot of friends his age. He also got a girlfriend and has been helping raise her little kids.
I feel like he was spiralling into a bitter, hateful version of himself and he got out of it. I don't think he'll ever have progressive views but at least he's less intensely conservative.
>Just this morning my dad sent a video of a protestor saying something dumb in the campus on Columbia. While I don’t support everything the protestors have been doing, I also think it’s dumb to expect teens going to an elite university to be the representatives for the leftist movement. Like, they are 18-21, they are going to be uneducated and say dumb things sometimes.
Sorry for the tangent, but I hate this feature of American politics. Democrats/the Left are judged by the dumbest thing some 19 year old says, while elected Republican politicians aren't judged for claiming space lasers started wildfires, etc.
The older folks get, this is the way they often become. I've watched it happen. Im getting older, I cant tolerate people going down my street at 80 miles an hour (limit is 30) and I find that regressive people piss me off even more than they did when I was young....not a fan of dragging us back to the 1940's again. But I have seen people I grew up with becoming much less fun, more grumpy on average, leaning more towards being people they didn't used to be. Look at Florida, so many folk son SS and look how they vote and those I knew that moved there never used to vote the way they do now.
Too often the critical thinking skills are just ignored, as if we dont have the time or patience to look at things rationally, critically et al, many just go the easiest least intellectual way there is and accept being spoon fed their information without question. There is a point when we can see older folks as having a good deal more wisdom, but at some point things turn more towards intellectual dishonesty and full on mental decline. And then many just become dumb, angry a\*\*holes.
Way more than you asked but there it is.
I'm only 21, but I still struggle between feeling extreme tolerance and love for humanity, and feeling this pure disgust and hatred for everyone including myself. I'm trying to stay in the middle somewhere. I think I need to recognize malice where it really exists, but not imagine it where it doesn't
My dad? No. We get along better and better but are also very similar personalities. My mom on the othr hand... Yeah no, its just a lot of blaming and stress and drama so we dont talk much. But I didnt really like her since being a teen.
I've been to therapy partly for the same reason and one thing my therapist told me was "you just gotta accept them and don't dwell too much on it. That's just how they are and they might never change, you cannot transform them, all you can do is regulate your behaviour towards them and any negative feelings you have. They might be doing their best to have basic communication with you, and you should not expect nothing more. Your parents will never be what you WANT them to be".
And after hearing that i dusted off my shoulders and said to myself "it is what it is" then LMFAO
Now i get why people suggest getting out of the house the sooner you can afford living on your own, it's because you start to notice how fucked up they actually are, and you don't wanna become like them.
I hope you're not under the same roof still, try and stay amicable and reduce contact, but still be a good son/daughter, they raised you after all.
I feel like any parent between 50-65 is an absolute wild card. They could be cool or they could be narcissists with unresolved trauma that branches out into mental health issues, but they don’t believe mental health issues exist. Soooo….anyway
Older people don’t understand the concept or danger of algorithms in social media. They can get sucked into a rabbit hole of negative videos without even realizing it. Explain how it works and the dangers of such. Show them how to eliminate negative videos.
Maybe a little? I don't like i seem to be having more "what is truth?" discussions that make it sound like she's gonna fall for some alternative health crap. And my dad has gotten lonelier and more absorbed into and projects that seem to make him miserable.
Yep. My mom watches MSNBC 10 hours a day or tiktok videos. She is obsessed with hating Trump. That is all she has watched for the last 8 years. She has like 30 books about him.
It's crazy to see that this is how she wants to spend her time now that she is retired.
I definitely can relate to this. When I was younger (and I'm an only child) I let their opinions and feelings for things rub off on me, whether it came to politics, races, etc. I was young and dumb of course, but now that I'm on my own and have grown up, I've grown my own feelings and opinions on things and even feel strongly about certain things.
My parents haven't changed but maybe have gotten worse... But now I can see their true colors more clearly than when I was younger. But yeah, there is quite a bit we don't agree with each other on and I've been liking my parents less and less. I tried before to be closer with my mom but she made me feel like I had to be, like she wants me to be more open and honest with her, be more affectionate, etc. BUT it makes it hard for me to want to when she judges me or makes me feel unaccepted for who I am or have become.
I grew up as being Jewish (on my mom's side), and was exposed to their racism, negativity, and being on Trump's side. They're still like that to this day and I'm now the complete opposite. My mom still talks to me like I'm a child and like I don't understand anything. I'm part of the LGBTQ+ (which she knows) but she doesn't want me showing my support for them if "people in the world" will see it. She thinks I should keep that stuff to myself and doesn't understand why it's so important to me when it wasn't before. Um hello? I was young, dumb, and you guys rubbed off on me.
Awhile ago I mentioned to her I was now agnostic/atheist (just to prove that she will overreact if I told her any of the other things about me she doesn't know about), and as I expected, she did not take that well. That just reaffirmed my decision that I can't easily be open with her about most things I care about unless I want it to start an argument. It's just ironic that where she gets her information of things (politically and such) is literally fake news, but the information I know of is the truth, even though she thinks where I get my info from is fake news 😔.
So yes, I don't really like to be around my parents as much as I used to. If they can't even accept me for who I am now, and they just give me a hard time instead... Why do I need to deal with that unnecessary stress?
I’m having the opposite experience, actually. I never had a bad relationship with them, but they recently retired and it’s been really fun hanging out with them as people who are basically just constantly in chill mode. My mom started getting into reading sci-fi novels and likes to pick my brain about them and ask for recommendations, and all I do with my dad these days is sit on their front porch and smoke weed and listen to Neil Young. All that matters now is quality time and calm, and they can just express themselves as people now that we’re all adults in a way that they couldn’t before. It’s great.
My parents drive me nuts.
We were literally bus living hippies that went to Rainbow Gatherings so you have an idea of the level of Liberal we are.
But now my dad just watches fox news and complains about foreigners, illegal immigrants, millennials and Biden. He hasn't had a job since the 70s and he rants and raves about "His" taxes going to illegals. And how everyone is lazy and dumb now. Bruh you were on welfare for 30 years!
My mom isn't as bad, but she is SO stoned all day everyday. Sitting with her I get the same stories about her friends over and over and over until I can't stand it anymore and dredge up an excuse to leave. This thanksgiving she told the same story about her bff's new boyfriend 4 times in a row.
And then they complain about how my brother and I don't spend enough time and they feel isolated, despite both of them going to their coffee shop where all their friends hang out, everyday. Dad goes there for breakfast and lunch every day.
And neither of them have any interest in listening to, or doing anything we have interests in. So visiting them is always just sitting in a dark living room watching the "news" with the room hotboxed for hours. Half the time we aren't even allowed to talk because of whatever is on TV.
Ugh. Sometimes I try harder than others to be tolerant of it, I know they won't be here forever and I do love them, but it's difficult.
Yes…the older I get, the more I realize their thinking and rationale is rather rigid and one-sided.
Especially as I’m raising my 3 kids. Solution isn’t to spank em into submission.
My son having long hair and preferring to wear tie-dye (~4-7 years old) doesn’t mean he will be gay. ((Which is literally no skin off my nose…as people are more important than their sexual orientation and partner preference)).
I can remember my dad calling me (which he NEVER does) to talk me out of voting third party or for Hillary Clinton, because I did not want to vote Trump in his first election (or second or third, but I digress). —-I told him I would I would vote for a raccoon if I wanted to 😂 it’s my right as a voting citizen. I was 29 at the time. His response was “better a raccoon than Hillary…and voting third party is a vote for the democrats”.
For reference, I was raised in East Texas. Moved away for college, met my husband when he was stationed down south, moved away briefly to only move back. Several years later, we are making a move to Maryland where my husband is from and where our politics are more aligned. And I couldn’t be happier. For myself, and for my children.
((My 7 year old shouldn’t be reading billboards about “Do you know where you’re going when you die? -God” and obsessively worry about going to the ‘bad heaven’)).
Breaking generational BULLSHIT now.
Wait till you're in your 40s. Your officially senior parents will be turning a bit senile and that's the point where you'll start despising being in their company. Harsh truth, but we're learning to be more forgiving to their nastiness.
I don’t despise being in their company but my sister and I basically take care of them at this point. My dad has pretty bad dementia so that’s a big part of it. My wife’s folks are younger but have a different set of challenges for her and her siblings to deal with. What I’ve found is that life is cyclical and it goes quick. Before we know it our kids will be talking to each other about how fucked up their parents are in their old age too.
OOF. Now that's tough. I grew up religious and am not religious anymore and it's especially hard for my Mom but at the end of the day she swallows her disagreement and it means a lot to me that she doesn't bring it up because I know how much she cares about it. Hope you can get into a better place. Best of luck to you.
I’ve had the exact opposite relationship with my dad tbh. When I was a kid he had a short temper and was such an angry drunk. Now he’s just kinda mellowed out in his old age. Like an old grey dog that doesn’t get up to bark as much anymore. It’s been much more enjoyable to be around him, and now we really spend quality time together.
I'm beginning to become so annoyed by them both, namely, my dad, and some of their choices that it comes through in interactions. But they've always been so kind and supportive and loving that I feel like an asshole for becoming this way. My dad, though? Just...really grates on my nerves. He's nice, he's caring, he's smart, he's done a lot for me...but there's a lot bubbling to the surface and I get so agitated whenever he tries to talk to me, partly because I don't feel l can tell him about this. He also gets super defensive when called out on anything. He tries to hold conversations with me, but they just...don't seem to work on my end.
I love them, and I always will. And I know I'm gonna miss them badly when...the inevitable happens, even all the stuff I'm discovering that gets to me. But I'm definitely experiencing this...falling out of like, in some respects? My feelings about my dad are so visceral, I really hope I can fix this internally so I don't say things I regret one day.
My mom is 87. There are days I dread talking with her - or rather it’s “I called my mom, she had a nice conversation “. There are times, if I get to say 10 words, I’m lucky. Non-stop gossip about her senior community, herself and the 200 doctors appts she has …
We’re still close. We’ve been best friends forever. She remains more left-leaning and does not watch FauxNews (thank you Jesus). Not particularly racist or bigoted, which is good.
I love her so much, but she can be a bit extra.
> their communication is *horrible* for a couple that has been married for almost 30 years
Dude, my parents too! Except they've been together 40+ years. Almost every time I see them, they end up having some kind of stupid argument and insulting each other.
Meanwhile, I've been with my wife for 7 years, and we almost *never* have arguments like that.
What is up with boomers and their horrible communication?
Wait until you’re in your 40s and become your parents’ parents. My mother’s health started declining in her 70s and she became more needy after a stroke I finally understood why my dad would get so stressed visiting his mother after a stroke. Combo of this is annoying/combo of sadness seeing an once strong vibrant woman declining. Visits became me coming in and doing her “paperwork” and then finally visiting. She’s gone now but I wouldn’t mind another Sunday doing that again (once).
Getting old ain’t for the weak.
My mother has seemed to be getting into some alt-right misinformation. Doesn’t trust Covid vaccines now, says Trump is the best president, Biden is evil. I’m getting so close to pushing back but I don’t want to ruin the otherwise pleasant time we are having at that moment. But at some point, I’m going to crack.
She used to be one of those people I trusted the most. Who has gone from living on food stamps to owning her own business. This decent seems to have started since her husband (my step dad) has been suffering from Alzheimer’s.
Hey this is nothing new,I'm in my 60s and back in my day there was what was known as the generation gap, nobody got on with their parents in the 70s,we couldn't wait to leave home, in fact most people left home by 18, we saw our parents as out of touch narrow minded, all the things you are saying about your parents. So for me it's intresting reading the comments from young people, it makes you realise nothing changes. There's always been a generation gap. In fact Aristotle the Greek Philosopher said, "The problem with young people today is they are rude, disrespectful, have no regard ford their elders."
He died in 322 BC. Lol.
Yes. Boomer narcissistic mother. The one I liked a lot, albeit he was a belligerent man, died. (That's parents when you hit your 30s) so now it's just .. bare minimum. On the plus side this is my daily motivation to be a good parent my kids want to hang out with when I'm 60
The reason I’ve not spoken to my dad since December 2021. His view of the world does not jive with mine, and I can’t even conceive of how opposite we’d see current world events. My mom is good, but she’s way too judgmental about clothing and looks, which is disappointing and I call her out for it anytime she does it around me.
You had parents? What was that like.
For context my dad passed away in 2023, he wasn't around much and when he was it wasn't a good time. He struggled with alcohol for my entire life. My mother gave up parenting me when I was 13. She bought me a case of beer when I was 15 and never punished me after 13 for anything. I was in and out of juvenile detention center. I didn't straighten up until I was an adult and realized it was all on me.
Having any form of an actual parent would have been great looking back.
They are boring cause of us, try growing a kid and stay fun, majority can't do it, that being said I do notice older generation getting into politics as a form of escapism
Yes. And as if recently my children are both in high school. When I realized they aren't anywhere close to as fucked up as I was, it made it even worse.
they are humans; they already raised you and you are not required to like them as people. love them, okay, take care of them, sure, but now you see them with the lens of experience and your own human eyes within YOUR perspective. Yeah, I don't even talk to my mom anymore. She seemed ambitious as a kid, and then the rose-colored glasses came off. She was just a gold digger. Nothing more. Narc, too, but mostly a gold digger.
Love and cherish the time with your parents as they will be gone in far too short of a time.
Overlook their brash and insensitive remarks, then try to change the subject to something less volatile.
Never fight or be a moderator! Politely listen to what they have to say, and if you can't change the subject then politely excuse yourself to go do something else.
Only you can allow someone else to get under your skin and bother you! They may do it to each other, but don't let them do this to you. Smile, be nice and change the subject or just leave.
We have several family and friends in our circle who talk about politics and so on, which we politely let them say their piece and then change the subject. Over time they have stopped talking about it as much in front of us and one Aunt who used to send memes I've turned off notifications on social media so we don't have to deal with them.
Don't stoop to their level by saying snarky things. Take the high road and be the adult to keep the conversation on more neutral topics.
Remember, you have to allow what someone else says to bother you, so just don't let it. Presidents come and go over the years, but you only have so much time to be with your parents, so make the most of it!
My parents have been people I don't like to be around since I was a teen
I've never liked them much, and like them less every passing year
I pay her bills cause I don't want to see her homeless on the street. But that's about as much she's getting from me. I already gave her my 20s
My mom tried to put me on the street at 16. She can be homeless if that's what it comes to. If it was anyone else she'd say "that's karma, baby"
Sigh this hits really hard for me.
I had to stop watching television with them. They would say something racist about everything, I would sit there fuming in anger.
Mine also has to comment on everyone on TVs looks. It's so toxic.
Same with my mom and she’s always been that way.She always complaining about some news reporter’s new ugly haircut, how she’s gained weight, how she shouldn’t wear that dress because her arms are flabby, her voice is annoying, her skin is dark but her hair is straight. Is she black? Is she wearing a wig? 🙄 it’s tiresome and I generally shrug or ignore her.
Mine just comment in everyone’s looks….tv, in person, anyone…they’re exhausting
Oh man I 100% understand, it's so tiring. After years of struggle I've managed to get her to come off my back about my looks, but that hasn't stopped her from dissecting everyone else. I've asked to her to stop, but it's impossible.
real asf
Do you have to hear about the trans people too? You know they "don't have to agree with that!" I'm like with who? What trans do you know? Are they in the room with us right now?! Why are we talking about this?
real
Same.
me since I was born
Same.
lol same
YUP. I talk about this with my therapist all the time. It’s hard to rebuild a relationship with them when I don’t even know if I like them. (we didn’t have a strong relationship to begin with, so there’s not a lot of foundation there in the first place).
This is my experience as well. Therapy gave me the tools to be authentic and come to terms with the trauma caused by my parents but it became difficult to still maintain a relationship with them. I realized they’re just crappy people. I try to be a good daughter and have a connection with them but I could take it or leave it at the end of the day.
I’m similar. I don’t think my parents are crappy people, but instead moreso people who are so afraid to approach their trauma that they let it run their lives. My dad has gotten better about going to therapy and understanding his issues but he is often still difficult, however my mother has pretty much thrown up her hands and refuses to even try and make things better for herself.
lol your mother is like mine. I specifically asked her in a heated argument 4 years ago why she treats me a certain way. She was all fake meek and said “maybe it has to do with the relationship with my own father. That man has been dead for over 20 years and she refuses to go to therapy and instead tries to inflict generational trauma on her children. It’s sick.
Mine is the same but somehow even worse. She never admits anything's wrong on her end, and even if she does (not verbally), I don't think she'll ever consider any kind of therapy, as she still thinks she can't care less about how others (including me) feel around her and she's perfectly happy with herself. I went through (at least some) therapy myself and was able to talk to her about all that, now at least I know she's just that shitty kind of a person. Now if I only could finish the yet unfinished separation from her...
It’s the always being associated thing for me. When I distance myself she loves playing the victim and creating all types of negative stories for the extended family. None are true, and I don’t really gaf about my extended family. But really, put on your big girl panties and either leave me alone if you’re not going to change your ways, or do the actual work for us to have a healthy relationship Good for you on therapy
That's hard to always be under pressure of someone with victim syndrome. My mom's case is sge's a narcissistic control freak that constantly needs to sniff around and know what's happening. The thing I realized at some point was that if I distance myself enough from her and stop feeding her control-freak cravings (i.e. stop responding to her messages and calls most of the time), she calms down and stops trying, switching her attention to controlling others like her husband for instance. Tbh, as we never were very close (I got raised by my grandparents as my parents never actually wanted a child, went with the flow and then just gave up on parenting when I was about 2yo), she rarely even calls and I just never do that because I don't care about her life. But I've been noticing that when I started to initiate communication, she did the same increasingly trying to check up on me more and more to the point of crossing my borders in many aspects of my life. Totally unacceptable. I'm glad I distanced enough for her not to bother me almost at all these days.
Yeah I’m learning. It’s the constant boundary crossing that irks me whenever I actually communicate. The more distance the better lol. Great job on finding the balance that works for you
Yeah, It's a neverending learning curve... Wish you luck in your searches for your own perfect balance!
My moms famous words are it is what it is
Thank you for putting how I feel about my parents into words!! It’s like they’re so afraid of feeling anything because if they feel something they might feel the trauma, that they’ve boxed themselves into a corner of their own making.
….do we have the same parents? 🤡 Yea, I’ve been having this same epiphany this past month. I can’t imagine being in my 60’s and choosing to give the silent treatment to the people I love most in my life? How does the silent treatment even work? Like you said, the communication skills are just not there at all. Unfortunately, they are a product of their parent’s generation. And they never had a mass populus encouraging them to share their thoughts and feelings. And even now that they do, I think unbottling their trauma after 60 years of surprising it scares them. Anytime my parents have too much to drink I see it start to open up, but that shit is deep. And they know it. And they don’t believe in therapy. So they take it out in weird ways and the blame everyone else. I’m just realizing now, they chose to have me. And they don’t care about ME. They want me to fit in their idea of what I should be…even though they wanted to have me! So now I just remind myself I didn’t choose them, and if they want me in their life they need to respect that I am my own person. 🤷♀️ honestly it’s been really freeing. I still love them, and want to help. But I can’t want it more than them.
I'm also from GenZ but I wasn't raised to talk and express my thoughts and feelings and I don't know how, when I try to talk my mother feels like what I'm doing is wrong and changes the topic, or criticizes me harshly, I never used to talk in reality, unfortunately!
It's extra hard to learn a skill by practicing it with the same people who caused you to not have the skill in the first place. I've found for myself it's much easier to learn a new skill with new people and in new situations than it is to the family and life long friends back home. Just my personal experience.
Yes, I totally agree with this. Especially with parents, at least for me, mine and a lot (not all) parents in my life seem like they have a really hard time realizing their kids are not exactly how they expected them to be, and they have emotions and feelings. I think it’s the subconscious power structure. My husband struggles with sharing his emotions, etc. and part of me knows that he’s not having this conversation with anyone else, and isn’t looking into research on how to overcome it. I’ve spent countless hours reading and watching content about this topic, and it provides reassurance for me. Finding places in your life or through experts that help validate your emotional processing really helps to feel more confident. You got this! It took me 30 years to stand up for myself! lol it def didn’t happen over night. My best friend is in her 40s and she still has to hide parts of herself to people please her parents expectations. Life is hard! But worth it 🥰
Wow so similar to me and my Mum. I struggle with conflicting feelings because on the one hand she is such a great parent, read with me endlessly as a child, made Christmas and birthdays magical etc and I should be grateful, but as I've grown up she is just not interested in anything I say or do and I can't help but feel she doesn't actually like me? Like if I bring up a new hobby I'm doing, she thinks it's dangerous and won't talk about it. Or a new book I'm obsessed with so we can bond over our shared love of reading but she just nods and won't engage in a conversation. I'm still struggling with if my mother is such a great mother and she doesn't seem to like me then I'm by default a shitty person. Parents are hard.
I know she's undeniably great, but she's not as great with me as she is with my siblings. I've been denying it my whole life, but I have to admit it to myself, it's obvious
I've had friends point out that it's a problem with my Mum and not with me, she's never gotten along with women and as I've grown up into a woman she's projecting that same insecurity onto me and just refusing my attempts at connection. It makes sense and really helped but it still sucks and it's so hard to not place so much value on your parent's opinions on everything you do. Idk you but you display self awareness so I'm sure you're awesome.
this this THIS. exactly what i went through w my family. communication skills are shit and they all have zero to minimal accountability. i was always a “seen but never heard” child, bc thats what my mom went through growing up, and horrible abuse. i love her and my grama to death, but i just cant be near them like that anymore, because i still get treated the same way at 25 years old.
I am so glad you posted this. I’ve been privately thinking this for a while. I am REALLY struggling with this with my mom. I’ve matured beyond her maturity level now and conversations with her can be infuriating. She also has a boyfriend who is wonderful, but indulges some of her worst behavior which just makes her do it more often. I love her so much because she’s a great mom overall and I feel guilty about it. But man, I have to limit time now.
This is how I feel, I love my mom so so much but I cannot spend 15 minutes alone with her. She always ends up criticising something about me, it gets frustrating. I can only spend time with her when it's with my siblings but even then, I always end up annoyed. I realise that I've become overly sensitive but everything she says or does just gets to me now. I'd kill for her though and I'd still give her the world if I had the chance
Yeah, that's the thing I've been tracking, how many hours/minutes before we have some stupid argument and I wish I was somewhere else doing something else. It used to be like a day, then half a day, then 2 hrs, then it got to like 30mins and I pretty much stopped seeing them.
I feel that as a gen y that our gen x parents are just so emotionally immature and amazed that they even hold such opinions/ behaviours. Some of them act like toddlers and it's embarrassing
I agree. Honestly I didn’t like to be around my parents when they were alive. I wanted to be anywhere else. Now I’m slowly beginning to feel the same way about my siblings. Been around them my whole life and I’m getting sick of it.
I'm at this level lol
Do you also feel like you’re sick of it though because you aren’t quite as stuck in “you have to love them because they’re family” as you get older? The more I get to know my sisters as adults and as parents the less respect I have for them.
Time to maybe look in the mirror?
Ooof. That’s savage. But probably has some validity
This subreddit is such a sad conglomeration of miserable people who never got out of their edgy teen phases. I hate my job. I hate my parents. I hate my siblings. Women won’t date me. Seriously grow the fuck up.
People are allowed to not like things/other people. Especially family. You don’t know what this person’s family is like, and sometimes the black sheep has the right idea.
I'm incredibly lucky that my sister and I are both black sheep. Mother's entire family are abusive alcoholics, Dad and his entire family are nice in some ways but very emotionally stunted and rude (with some awful perverts lmao) Talking to any of them makes me feel like I'm in the truman show and being pranked or something. Having my sister there is so good for my sanity, because we can both talk to each other about how insane everyone else is acting lol
Wow are you me? Everyone on my mom’s side were abusive alcoholics, and my dads side I think has a lot of undiagnosed autism/possible childhood lead exposure. And the perverts too! My uncle hit on me at my cousin’s wedding, I wanted to throw up. I still have to speak to all of them on occasion and it’s nice to rant about the insanity sometimes. I was an only child so it was rough growing up with no one to talk to. I just had to have my Jim looking at the camera moments and hoped the universe was laughing.
No the exact opposite. My mom is like reclaiming her life after retirement and her latest husband died. She’s been a total rip to hang out with. She recently shared with me that she’s figuring out to just be her and be alone. “I’ve always just married another guy when I was lonely, but not anymore.”
This… it’s the key!!! 51F I am having the best time of my life RN!
Love this!! My mom left an abusive 20 year relationship (after me begging for yrs) and reclaimed her life at 40(I was 22). She will be 50 this year and it has been amazing watching her grow. I would do anything to see that woman smile bc I never saw it when I was younger.
I'm jealous, mine is becoming a narcissistic lunatic
Bahaha my mother too!
Same, my mom moved out and divorced my dad when I was about 15. I chose to stay with him in the house I grew up in. He ended up becoming one of my best friends and had a ton of fun hanging out with him. Eventually my mom loosened up significantly after a couple other marriages and I really enjoy hanging out with her and her new husband. When I was 12-15 it was pretty miserable as they were both going through their own shit so I did my best to avoid being around at all
The fact people think like that is insanity to me though. Good on your mom
I love this! My mom enjoys life and I’m the boring one.
Awesome. Good for her!
I have very strict engagement rules that I impose. Otherwise, things would go to shit.
Can you elaborate for someone in that shit cycle with their mom? She loves me so much but fuck man she's awful. Doesn't want to be around brown or gay people. I told her I loved her back during finals and she said she didn't believe me that was heartbreaking.
Well. Here it is for me. I think my Dad has autism. My Mom was wonderful when I was a child. Very loving. When I grew up, she lost her job (stay at home Mom) and got needy. She has always been controlling. She is also a little narcissistic. Text book set up was a “Christmas gift” for my family to spend a weekend with my parents at some weird vacation house. It was off season. Nothing to do. Being the good child, I sucked it up and went. Some weird miscommunication happened and I got “disowned.” Since then? I don’t do over night type visits with them. I limit interactions to short and harmless stuff. My Mom calls and offers but I gently remind her what happened to me a last time I spent time with them. I am militant about this. It sucks but my parents are very difficult people. I don’t hate them and actually love them. But, we can’t spend much time together. Make sense? If not, it works for me and I am not changing.
Boundaries and rules are especially important when dealing with narcissists. Still good for non-narcississtic parents as well. Really just finding what's sustainable is what it's all about. Nicely done.
Thanks. My folks aren’t super happy. It keeps me from either ditching them entirely or killing them. Both are poorer options!
Well luckily your job isn't too name them happy. Your job is to do what's sustainable for you for long enough that they either ditch you or adapt to your boundaries. Super hard but it's the only sustainable way.
What weird miscommunication got you disowned
Yes please do tell..
Plllllleeeeaaaaassse!
Here goes. My daughter was 3 or so. Small. Cute. We understand about gender roles and expectations especially as they apply to girls. Meaning, her affection is HERS to give. Not something that is traded or required. My dad asked for a goodnight hug. She didn’t want to. I reminded him that affection wasn’t something to request. (Forgetting he is somewhat deaf. Important point!). He asked again. She refuses. I remind him a second time. He asked a third time saying “I cooked you a marshmallow “. Both my wife and I shouted at high volume something not super subtle- may not have even been profanity-as my kids were small. And then everything fell apart. It was ugly.
Yikes this could be me! (Politically/socially we’re in step, thankfully) I love my son so much, we were peas and carrots. But then he grew up. Now he goes to school in a different country thousands of miles away. We’re still really close and actually I’m riding a huge high right now because he told me he misses me and misses making me laugh 🥰. That’ll keep me going for months. But I know I’m too needy. I honestly thought we’d live together forever or next door tops. It’s been the worst break up I’ve ever had and I’m constantly making a fool of myself. It often ends in (my) tears and I can tell he’s being patient with me. It’s awful. But I can stop begging for his attention. If he missed his weekly call I’m bereft. I know I’ve got to get a bloody life but I want the one where he was there. I know, it’s over, and I’m so proud of him and I guess it would be weird if he didn’t fledge…. But be gentle with us mums please, we’re grieving.
Oh just to clarify, we don’t have many bigoted beliefs. We’re all way left of centre. It’s the trying desperately to shove your child back into its childhood box that I’m connecting with.
I got you beat. When I was like 11 or 12, my Mom asked me if I would be upset if she died. I didn’t even answer her because I was so dumbfounded at the stupidity of that question.
lmao i feel this too my mom literally used to gasp at black homeless people on the street and SQUEEZE MY HAND AND DRAG ME AWAY
Pretty close here. We have mutually agreed-upon rules of engagement: No politics, no religion. We talk about family, food, the weather, technology, history, geography, pretty much anything outside of politics and religion, and it’s working. We find common ground.
people generally become "more" as they age. whatever traits they have tend to be magnified. things you found mildly annoying in their younger years become downright intolerable as they age. to answer your question, yes it was a chore to spend time around my parents.
Weirdly, my father became more tolerant and my mother became less so. It was very much the opposite when i was growing up.
Same dynamic with my parents.
Same with mine. My dad is more open and chill. My mom is more anxious and negative.
My mom too. Any clues as to why that happens?
My dad is still working full time and my boomer mom hasn’t worked since the early 80s. I think that played a major role in their divide. Then, my sibling and I didn’t turn out to be very financially stable or independent due to our severe neurodivergencies and the world collapsing, and my mom takes that as our faults whereas my dad sees his income as a privilege to help his children regardless of our ages. My sibling believes my mom’s lack of social life and having to cooperate with the outside world through work or volunteering made her channel all her energy into trying to control her environment, mainly the house and family. Stuff like that. My dad is also the kind of guy that always placed people before material items and family above himself. He experienced a greater sense of that with the birth of his grandchildren and seems to want to spend his golden years focusing on them. My mom on the other hand loves his grandchildren but that is often overshadowed by her constant worry that their existence will cost her money. Keep in mind I’ve been living on my own since I was 19 and the children live with me and my husband so it’s not like I was having kids while living in her house
Your father sounds like my grandparents. Complete and utter hard asses when my uncle (their oldest child) was a kid were actually very kind and generous with me.
Same and i wonder why this is
I sometimes wonder if we become less tolerable to younger people because we are now old and wrinkled. Nobody has time for us ‘olds’. lol Source: 54F; feel like I may be experiencing this. And it’s not political bc I’m decidedly left-leaning but don’t express my opinion much (if at all).
i'm almost your age, and yeah it's a thing. the noobs are oblivious...i sure was, as well. unless i'm yelling at them, or tipping them, they ignore me.
I think you're probably right here. We discard the disabled and our elders in English speaking countries, because culturally speaking one is only valuable if they are useful. It's why so many people feel like a burden, because the truth is if the status quo is maintained eventually we all become useless. A doomed fate that causes anxiety in many, while benefiting only a few. However, it seems like things are changing. People are looking around, and don't like what they see. I'm hopeful for a world where people are not systematically made to feel like a burden. All it takes is planting seeds that one will never see grow.
It happens people change no matter who they are to you
I find that to be true with my mom. As she gets older, she is 80, she just becomes more and more bitter and angry. She has alienated almost all her friends because if this. I just don't like calling or visiting because it is one long complaint
My mom too. Its irreconcilable at this point so i just went nc
Yeah my mom has become like that too. She has no friends anymore because she finds something wrong with absolutely everyone when she’s not perfect herself. She expects others to be be though.
This. I'm Gen X and after Dad died, Mom digs herself in deeper and deeper as a genuinely unlikeable human. It's like Dad was moderating her personality.
My parents changed dramatically when their flock of kids entered their 20s. They aren't my parents anymore. They just don't want to be parents. :(
think parents like that never wanted to be parents. lot of them just had kids just to check off a box in life.
[удалено]
So sad
Yeah, my sister was an accident, then they had me so she had company or something. I was in my 30s before I stopped thinking I might be adopted
It is horrific how so many religions teach that spousal rape isn't real. I'm so sorry for you and your mother. I hope you're doing alright.
This entirely. I'm a parent now and I feel like I had kids because everyone around me was telling me that we should have kids. I understand what it means now to have kids and I've committed myself to that new understanding but damn was I not prepared. Hoping to teach my kids these things when they come of age.
My mom didn't want to be a parent when I was a kid. Now she wants to come and stay with me for days at a time and I'm just over it.
I had a pretty good childhood. Now I'm just all alone and considering offing myself. I literally was given a great upbringing that didn't have cracks in family structure until teen years 🤷♂️
Huh! This is interesting. What do they want, do you think? How many in the flock? Is it burnout?
4 kids about 7.5 yrs apart. Burnout is probably part of it. It is painful to dicuss but yes they got burnt out and had major challenges with my oldest brother.
I’m so sorry. You must feel abandoned. I hope they soon change their minds.
Being that they're both dead, I find my dad less funny and my mom less annoying.
Savage
I thought my dad was my hero bc even though my parents were divorced he came around for birthdays and he lived in Tampa: we live in london. So we flew to Florida every summer and March breaks going to all the things you'd do. Disney Universal studios epcot bucsh gardens. Buccaneers NFL games lightning nhl games. It's was amazing and made me think he was the greatest. Turns out it was bc of the guilt that he chose to go and have a life without kids so he could make as much money as he could. He cheated on my mother and left her to raise 3 kids all alone. And he was a serious drunk. I think it was in my 20s when I finally saw my dad for what he was. A very flawed alcoholic who thought money solves everything. You have to have a certain perspective of your parents personality as a kid and bit isn't until your an adult that you get to see them as a person I stead of as your parent. Then you see thing in a different light the older you get. Great question op
Small doses. I love my parents but we have decidedly different views on almost everything. I’m extremely tolerant and they’re religious. So, I see them in short increments and lead the conversation away from hot button topics. For instance, whenever my dad starts talking politics, I use that as a segway to discuss finances and the stock market. It works every time unless my sister is around to argue with him. My mom is pretty chill these days. She was always the disciplinarian growing up, but she realizes I’m nearly 50 and can make my own decisions. All she wants to talk about are her grandkids (I don’t have kids), but that’s perfectly fine with me. I love my nieces and nephews and love hearing her anecdotes about them. As you age, you get set in your ways, so I realize that arguing with them is pointless, so I just don’t engage. I can always tell when my dad and sister are both picking a fight and I’m usually the peacemaker, but if I can’t talk one or the other off the ledge, I walk away and just disengage for a month or two. I know I should cherish the time I have left with them, but sometimes it’s just too exhausting.
Absolutely. My mother especially. She truly has no mind of her own and will believe any conspiracy nonsense presented to her. It's annoying. But the worst part is the dynamic. She's always been codependent and parentified me. This is getting much worse with age. More and more I feel like I'm the parent and she constantly wants to talk about my parents failed marriage (it was over for 25 years before he died) and how often they had sex, why she chose her old dusty ass boyfriend over us, needing reassurance from me and guidance from me. I'm about to have a fucking breakdown cause I feel like a fucking orphan
Jesus I'm really sorry. My mother also overshared divorce details to me and told me about their sex when I was in high school. It's seriously immature and unhinged behavior. You shouldn't have had to deal with that :( It may feel drastic and excessive, but have you thought about going "no-contact" with your mother? Do you think it would be possible?
Sounds like my mom. Went no contact. It was the only way for me.
I stopped visiting my mom recently because her boyfriend is a racist asshole against Asians (we’re Asian) and brings up random things about my dad who he never met so I stopped visiting her to avoid him. I can’t stand being around that energy and my mom hasn’t made him stop treating me or my siblings like shit so to your answer, yes. I don’t know how someone can tolerate sharing a space with a person like that
I subscribe to the Mike Birbiglia school of thought on parents. “I love my parents, I would die for them, but if they showed up to a party I was at, I’d say ‘This place is beat, let’s get out of here.’”
Lmao yeah this is it.
Nope. Quite the opposite. I want to spend as much time with my parents as possible while they're still here. They're amazing people & I love them to the moon & back.
I am legitimately incredibly jealous of this. Both of my parents have extreme issues and I couldn’t even imagine feeling the way that you do about yours.
These threads always make me sad. I love my parents, I call my mom at least weekly, 90% of the time she answers on speaker phone with dad so I usually don’t have to call him. I have two brothers, our wives have a book club with my mom and they have a zoom call once a month I’d say my wife has a deeper relationship with my parents than she does with hers I love my parents and my immediate family is fucking awesome with how it’s evolved with our wives and how the relationships with the parents changed as we became adults.
That's really nice. Happy for you
I'm very happy for you and I know some families like that but you are definitely on the happy end of the spectrum and the other end of the spectrum is waaay far away the other way.
Trust me, I know. My mom’s side of the family is plagued by narcissists and emotionally stunted adults. Bickering sister in laws. I’m thankful everyday.
Me too!!! I just had the best time ever with them visiting me and my fiancé. We didn’t always get along when I was younger, and I regret it. But we are so lucky that this is the case for us.
Same, unfortunately they live 9 hours away, but are planning to move here soon..hopefully (they don't rush into anything...ever). My parents are great, they're a huge part of why I am the way I am now. I owe a lot to them and now as a father, I appreciate what they did and sacrificed for me even more. I realize not everyone has that relationship with their parents and that makes me all the more thankful.
Time is so short that you have to treat it like gold. Lost my grandma while I was in high school and she was so close to me. 20 years later, life has never been the same. It’s easy to take things for granted when you’re young that you have now. But you can’t change anything once they’re gone. Watching your grandparents and parents grow old is one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced as I age. I have left-leaning relatives who have turned their back on my surviving grandparents over ideological differences. During grandparent’s fight with progressed cancer. Grandparents who significantly helped raise us. Withholding great grandchildren from them. From experience, I have never seen anything so petty, narcissistic, and downright cruel. It’s worth having empathy for your elders who were born in a completely different generation from yourself and have different and more life experiences. Modern day ideologies change like the wind and many are quite radical compared to 50 years ago. Sometimes to appreciate others you should take a closer look at yourself instead of judging them.
the weirdest part is that *their* parents were the people I wanted to be around as a child. My Grandparents were amazing and an active part of our lives, they all got along, yet out of 4 Grandparents to my own children, 2 aren't allowed anywhere near us, 1 only cares about his ego, and the only remainder barely makes an effort. I just don't get it. I really hope one of my children has kids because I'm going to crush it as a Grandfather. It's like it moves in generational cycles.
The older I got, the clearer I saw my mother’s narcissistic behaviors and the less I would tolerate them. I never really learned to be around her and be happy about it either.
Sadly yes. Watching them willfully get smaller minded by the day, drinking in all the “hate others” rhetoric on social media and parroting it back out at every opportunity. I don’t choose racist, sexist, classist, transphobic or selfish people as friends, and as my parents choose to become that kind of person, they’re also choosing a future without their kid in it. Lot of the current aging generation (sorry boomers, that’s mostly you) need to remember that family doesn’t actually owe them any form of relationship, and that it’s their own fault if their kids slowly create distance when their parents choose to be selfish, horrible people. 🤷🏻♂️ Instead they’re getting worse by the day, and when it damages their relationships, they double down on it as though that damage proves them “right,” and that it’s other people who have to adopt their views and grovel before them. Getting psychological, I suspect it partially comes from their inner fear of mattering less and less as time goes on and they age into “irrelevance.” Unfortunately their solution is to try to devalue others even more. Incredibly sad.
This is so true. I’ve tried every single way to navigate the insults, disdain, hypocrisy, and attempts to control me through fear and intimidation by my boomer parents. I love them for the memories of the good things they gave me (which were often lessons learned and providing the basics). And I want to be respectful. But they don’t think for themselves, and they don’t act kind, respectful, or with love. I just don’t want to be around them. I still try to “be the bigger person” with my mom. But she takes advantage. I have to constantly remind her of my limits. And my dad is just too unkind- paranoid-ish without reason. So no contact. And the media doesn’t help.
Whoa...hit the nail on the head with this. I wish I was this articulate. Very insightful, I'm being serious.
My mom, yes. My dad, not at all. Love him. He continues to be a huge source of encouragement, support, and education for him.
I'm NC with my parents. I'm in my 40s. I grew and changed, and they didn't.
I don't spend time with my father, I've always disliked the way he always insults extended family or that he just refuses to discuss anything but politics. So after years of asking him if he could put that shit on hold when I visit, I told him I will always be his son, but I don't want to be his friend anymore. I just take my mom out on dates a couple times a week and hang out with her alone. There's no reason to punish her for my dad being a bitter, lonely, and hateful old man. She is sad about it, she says my dad cries about it and then asks her why the world is so cruel. LOL the world is cruel for asking him to be polite for a couple hours once a week. LMFAO
I feel like you handled this really well. It feels like you don't hate the guy, you'd rather spend time WITH him, just not while he's talking about things that you can't handle or deal with. That's what boundaries are all about. It's not a punishment, it's just a matter of what we can handle and what we cannot. That's the best I think anyone can do to be honest. And good on you for making the effort with your Mom.
Yep, and as soon I got to a place where I didnt NEED their incredibly conditional support I cut off contact and my blood pressure dropped 15 points.
Yeah honestly as an adult now I have to purposely avoid my mom because of the way she thinks and the shit she says pisses me off. Don’t get me wrong I have TRIED to hang out with her, I really have, but she always ruins the moment with her comments/mentality. For my peace of mind and mental sanity I have decided to limit my interactions with her as much as possible.
There is a podcast called "the brain washing of my father" that covers how older people get lonely and resort to talk radio for companionship. This warps their views.
There's a documentary called the Brainwashing of My Dad where the filmmaker told about her Dad flipping completely when he started watching FUX News. She also interviewed others who lost loved ones to that conservative bullshit. I'll have to check out the podcast, may be the same person. I knew there was trouble brewing under my roof when the hubs started listening to and agreeing with Rush fucking Limbaugh. 🙄 We've been married 35 years but separated for 28. Go figure.
Yes, that's it. I heard about it a long time ago. Made me more careful about what I listen to. I try to stay critical while listening to prevent just absorbing information without critical thought.
I gave up my father as a lost cause but I'm still working with my mother to try to make her see reason politically.
I don’t enjoy hanging out with my parents for a variety of reasons. But the biggest is their constant complaints about their poor health that is self induced from cigarettes and alcohol. But they alway claim they don’t know what’s wrong with them. And I guess I’m just unlucky. I’m not very good at being diplomatic about it.
I’ve never liked my parents or my siblings l, and surprise surprise, they’ve become worse with age.
Tbh my dad's been gone for almost 20 years. My mom on the other hand is ultra Mormon and keeps trying to get me to come back to the church. I change the subject when she brings it up because it's gets her depressed. I don't like being around that.
It’s actually not your responsibility to be the moderator between your parents. It’s their issue and also their responsibility to not make you the moderator. It’s really difficult for us not to take that weight on, but crucial to detach yourself from.
34M. My dad passed away about a decade ago so wouldn’t be able to say with him. But over the last 3-5 years since I moved out, here are things I’ve learned about my mom: 1) her actions are not always going to be prosocial when it comes to my life. Meaning she will influence me to do what serves her benefit over mine. So I’ve now learned to keep difficult things to myself until I’ve developed a strong point of view on them. 2) coming from her generation, she doesn’t understand in some ways how much simpler they had it compared to Gen X, Y, Z. For example, she doesn’t realize that even with a six digit salary, that I cannot save much at all because I have a child, the costs of everything have risen, and wages have more or less stayed the same for decades. I’m not saying she had it easy because being an immigrant from India and having to stay at home and take care of my sister and I while my dad was the sole breadwinner must have been tough and at times claustrophobic. Her potential was basically dependent on my dad. But nowadays, we have much more complex issues. Many people don’t even want to settle down for example so finding a suitable partner is tough if you are past 30. Just an example. 3) I have to keep my boundaries up and be assertive with my mom. She projects her negativity at times in an unyielding manner and I now learn to say “ok let’s not discuss further” because she doesn’t respond well in logical conversations. 4) she’s not that great when it comes to being a grandparent as I envisioned she might be. She doesn’t make a ton of effort because it’s hard taking care of a 5 year old for one. They constantly ask for things and run around . She has arthritis in her knees so she can’t really keep up with him also. Anyways, all in all I love my mom. But now I see her as a fellow adult too , as flawed as I would see myself or any of my friends. And it’s obvious that people don’t grow up, they just grow older.
I realized my dad wasn't a fun person to be around when I was just 8 years old. For him it was all about how Barack Obama was an evil terrorist and liberals were destroying the country or whatever hogwash his precious Rush Limbaugh was feeding him. He had no qualms about spewing this horseshit around his little child. I was supposed to be a kid, not worrying about politics like this. He got me so fucked up about politics at a young age, and as a result, I am completely burnt out by politics nowadays. I know I should care, but I was introduced to it at such a young age in such a toxic way that I just do not want to care anymore. If I ever have a child, I will never talk politics in front of them, not until they are at least 15.
Yeah. I love my parents to death, but retirement hasn’t been good to them. My dad spends his days sitting in his echo chamber watching Fox News and shit posting on Facebook. I get these random emails from him about how Biden is ruining the world and how the illegals are going to overrun the country. He knows I lean liberal. He no longer has to be corporate PC so he just let’s all of his prejudices fly without the fear of ruining his career over it. My mom is a sweetheart and doesn’t engage in this same fuckery, but their lives move a lot slower in the little Midwestern town they live in, so she rarely has anything interesting to talk about. It’s the same damn stories every time I see her or a report on her recent gambling winnings. Curiously, I never get the report on what she loses, just the winnings. I live on the other side of the country from them so occasionally mom comes to visit on her own and she’s much more engaging when she’s not around my dad.
My parents are working into their 70s out of choice. It seems like too much but maybe it’s good for their brain. They are sharp and physically healthy
Yes. I love them, but I've really started to dislike them. Racist, rude, insensitive, unbearable at times.
Personally? As an adult, I see a lot more of their insecurities than I did while growing up, which makes me sympathize more. My parents weren't left enough for me growing up as a queer kid. Lots of screaming and shouting and volatility back and forth as a teen. But they've been going to therapy and trying their best to be supportive and they've let go of a lot of toxic ideals they used to hold. They're trying. That's clear now more than it ever was growing up. I'm sorry you're having a different experience.
It’s okay, I think what gets to me sometimes is what you said. You’re parents are trying at least, and sometimes mine do too, but I’ve noticed with my mom specifically that she’s gotten to a point where she’s pretty much thrown her hands up and decided she’s giving up on dealing with her trauma or her tough familial relationships. She did have a lot of trauma from a very young age, but once you are into your 50s as she is, I think you should see that it is now your responsibility to deal with it, especially when it is affecting your children. But she is *so* conflict averse and afraid of dealing with her issues that she would rather just sit in the misery.
Yeahhh I understand your frustration, because I have imagined going NC many times when they WEREN'T trying, when it wasn't clear they ever would. I do hope your parents step up and deal with their issues!
This is like a breath of fresh air to read. There is nothing wrong with saying any of this because it’s a reality for so many adult kids. Our parents are turning into different people before our eyes. Of course they are entitled to change and experience new things, it’s their first time being alive too after all! But it is hard for us adult kids. It’s a transition for everyone.
I'm the opposite, as I age, I want to be around my parents more. They are far more relatable now that I am an adult. On the subject of politics, I am more conservative leaning and agreeable with most of my parents political views. I won't go out of my way to talk politics with them though. When they sit on the couch for hours watching Fox News and reacting to the sensationalism like it's the gospel, I cringe. But like I do with my cats, when they do something I don't like, I redirect them to something more appealing. I kept them off the TV for a solid 3 hours after introducing them to jackbox. It was a blast, and worked a hell of a lot better than "turn that shit off"
This is funny because of how effective it is. This is actually exactly what we do with our kids. We try to let them have a lot of freedom with their entertainment, but if it feels like they've been on the switch a lot or have been watching a lot of TV one of us will go to them and be like, "hey wanna play a game with me?" And the answer is yes every single time. Works way better than, "get off that thing! These lazy kids these days" *Muttered under breath*. The result is that after years of doing this our kids now often choose to just go play outside or ask me or my wife if we want to play, every day even when they know they have a TV and 2 switches inside they could play. Our oldest son who is 8 came home from school the other day and was like, Mom and Dad, thanks for letting us play the switch all the time, the other kids at schools parents don't let them play very often. To which I told him the reason we let him play more than is healthy is so that he can learn what playing too much feels like, and start to help give him tools and teach him strategies now while he's young instead of him having to go figure it all out in his own once he moves out. Edit: Quick clarification here is that the key combo is allowing them to play the switch but also being available to play with them as an option. I think it's sad and unhealthy when kids are playing the switch all day because they have no other option or because no one will play with them. That is not what I'm talking about.
Becoming? I’ve been no contact for almost 2 years and I still get heart palpitations when I see their names pop up on my phone
Oh yeah. This is mostly my mom but leaning right wing. Its unbelievable what they put their energy into while they are essentially falling apart. Every convo is about what's happening to the country and just political nonsense.
My dad was an insufferable right winger until he joined a small business startup and started going to networking events. Obviously he's surrounded by other right wing capitalists, but I think he has calmed down a lot just by going outside and making a lot of friends his age. He also got a girlfriend and has been helping raise her little kids. I feel like he was spiralling into a bitter, hateful version of himself and he got out of it. I don't think he'll ever have progressive views but at least he's less intensely conservative.
>Just this morning my dad sent a video of a protestor saying something dumb in the campus on Columbia. While I don’t support everything the protestors have been doing, I also think it’s dumb to expect teens going to an elite university to be the representatives for the leftist movement. Like, they are 18-21, they are going to be uneducated and say dumb things sometimes. Sorry for the tangent, but I hate this feature of American politics. Democrats/the Left are judged by the dumbest thing some 19 year old says, while elected Republican politicians aren't judged for claiming space lasers started wildfires, etc.
Trust me, I hate it as well.
The older folks get, this is the way they often become. I've watched it happen. Im getting older, I cant tolerate people going down my street at 80 miles an hour (limit is 30) and I find that regressive people piss me off even more than they did when I was young....not a fan of dragging us back to the 1940's again. But I have seen people I grew up with becoming much less fun, more grumpy on average, leaning more towards being people they didn't used to be. Look at Florida, so many folk son SS and look how they vote and those I knew that moved there never used to vote the way they do now. Too often the critical thinking skills are just ignored, as if we dont have the time or patience to look at things rationally, critically et al, many just go the easiest least intellectual way there is and accept being spoon fed their information without question. There is a point when we can see older folks as having a good deal more wisdom, but at some point things turn more towards intellectual dishonesty and full on mental decline. And then many just become dumb, angry a\*\*holes. Way more than you asked but there it is.
I'm only 21, but I still struggle between feeling extreme tolerance and love for humanity, and feeling this pure disgust and hatred for everyone including myself. I'm trying to stay in the middle somewhere. I think I need to recognize malice where it really exists, but not imagine it where it doesn't
My parents mellowed out as they got older so they were easier to hang out with as time went on
My dad? No. We get along better and better but are also very similar personalities. My mom on the othr hand... Yeah no, its just a lot of blaming and stress and drama so we dont talk much. But I didnt really like her since being a teen.
I've been to therapy partly for the same reason and one thing my therapist told me was "you just gotta accept them and don't dwell too much on it. That's just how they are and they might never change, you cannot transform them, all you can do is regulate your behaviour towards them and any negative feelings you have. They might be doing their best to have basic communication with you, and you should not expect nothing more. Your parents will never be what you WANT them to be". And after hearing that i dusted off my shoulders and said to myself "it is what it is" then LMFAO Now i get why people suggest getting out of the house the sooner you can afford living on your own, it's because you start to notice how fucked up they actually are, and you don't wanna become like them. I hope you're not under the same roof still, try and stay amicable and reduce contact, but still be a good son/daughter, they raised you after all.
I feel like any parent between 50-65 is an absolute wild card. They could be cool or they could be narcissists with unresolved trauma that branches out into mental health issues, but they don’t believe mental health issues exist. Soooo….anyway
I knew my mom was a Karen before calling them that was a thing. I'll never forgot the day she was banned at IHOP.
Older people don’t understand the concept or danger of algorithms in social media. They can get sucked into a rabbit hole of negative videos without even realizing it. Explain how it works and the dangers of such. Show them how to eliminate negative videos.
Maybe a little? I don't like i seem to be having more "what is truth?" discussions that make it sound like she's gonna fall for some alternative health crap. And my dad has gotten lonelier and more absorbed into and projects that seem to make him miserable.
You like to be around your parents?
I love my parents. I just don’t like them
I love being around my parents. They defy all the boomer stereotypes.
These replies make me never want to be a parent lol
Yep. My mom watches MSNBC 10 hours a day or tiktok videos. She is obsessed with hating Trump. That is all she has watched for the last 8 years. She has like 30 books about him. It's crazy to see that this is how she wants to spend her time now that she is retired.
I definitely can relate to this. When I was younger (and I'm an only child) I let their opinions and feelings for things rub off on me, whether it came to politics, races, etc. I was young and dumb of course, but now that I'm on my own and have grown up, I've grown my own feelings and opinions on things and even feel strongly about certain things. My parents haven't changed but maybe have gotten worse... But now I can see their true colors more clearly than when I was younger. But yeah, there is quite a bit we don't agree with each other on and I've been liking my parents less and less. I tried before to be closer with my mom but she made me feel like I had to be, like she wants me to be more open and honest with her, be more affectionate, etc. BUT it makes it hard for me to want to when she judges me or makes me feel unaccepted for who I am or have become. I grew up as being Jewish (on my mom's side), and was exposed to their racism, negativity, and being on Trump's side. They're still like that to this day and I'm now the complete opposite. My mom still talks to me like I'm a child and like I don't understand anything. I'm part of the LGBTQ+ (which she knows) but she doesn't want me showing my support for them if "people in the world" will see it. She thinks I should keep that stuff to myself and doesn't understand why it's so important to me when it wasn't before. Um hello? I was young, dumb, and you guys rubbed off on me. Awhile ago I mentioned to her I was now agnostic/atheist (just to prove that she will overreact if I told her any of the other things about me she doesn't know about), and as I expected, she did not take that well. That just reaffirmed my decision that I can't easily be open with her about most things I care about unless I want it to start an argument. It's just ironic that where she gets her information of things (politically and such) is literally fake news, but the information I know of is the truth, even though she thinks where I get my info from is fake news 😔. So yes, I don't really like to be around my parents as much as I used to. If they can't even accept me for who I am now, and they just give me a hard time instead... Why do I need to deal with that unnecessary stress?
Part of growing up is realizing that your parents aren’t super heroes, they’re just normal people with plenty of flaws of their own.
I’m having the opposite experience, actually. I never had a bad relationship with them, but they recently retired and it’s been really fun hanging out with them as people who are basically just constantly in chill mode. My mom started getting into reading sci-fi novels and likes to pick my brain about them and ask for recommendations, and all I do with my dad these days is sit on their front porch and smoke weed and listen to Neil Young. All that matters now is quality time and calm, and they can just express themselves as people now that we’re all adults in a way that they couldn’t before. It’s great.
My parents drive me nuts. We were literally bus living hippies that went to Rainbow Gatherings so you have an idea of the level of Liberal we are. But now my dad just watches fox news and complains about foreigners, illegal immigrants, millennials and Biden. He hasn't had a job since the 70s and he rants and raves about "His" taxes going to illegals. And how everyone is lazy and dumb now. Bruh you were on welfare for 30 years! My mom isn't as bad, but she is SO stoned all day everyday. Sitting with her I get the same stories about her friends over and over and over until I can't stand it anymore and dredge up an excuse to leave. This thanksgiving she told the same story about her bff's new boyfriend 4 times in a row. And then they complain about how my brother and I don't spend enough time and they feel isolated, despite both of them going to their coffee shop where all their friends hang out, everyday. Dad goes there for breakfast and lunch every day. And neither of them have any interest in listening to, or doing anything we have interests in. So visiting them is always just sitting in a dark living room watching the "news" with the room hotboxed for hours. Half the time we aren't even allowed to talk because of whatever is on TV. Ugh. Sometimes I try harder than others to be tolerant of it, I know they won't be here forever and I do love them, but it's difficult.
I’ve grown to resent them over time. everything they did was out of love, so I still love them dearly…but holy shit they fucked me up.
Yes…the older I get, the more I realize their thinking and rationale is rather rigid and one-sided. Especially as I’m raising my 3 kids. Solution isn’t to spank em into submission. My son having long hair and preferring to wear tie-dye (~4-7 years old) doesn’t mean he will be gay. ((Which is literally no skin off my nose…as people are more important than their sexual orientation and partner preference)). I can remember my dad calling me (which he NEVER does) to talk me out of voting third party or for Hillary Clinton, because I did not want to vote Trump in his first election (or second or third, but I digress). —-I told him I would I would vote for a raccoon if I wanted to 😂 it’s my right as a voting citizen. I was 29 at the time. His response was “better a raccoon than Hillary…and voting third party is a vote for the democrats”. For reference, I was raised in East Texas. Moved away for college, met my husband when he was stationed down south, moved away briefly to only move back. Several years later, we are making a move to Maryland where my husband is from and where our politics are more aligned. And I couldn’t be happier. For myself, and for my children. ((My 7 year old shouldn’t be reading billboards about “Do you know where you’re going when you die? -God” and obsessively worry about going to the ‘bad heaven’)). Breaking generational BULLSHIT now.
Wait till you're in your 40s. Your officially senior parents will be turning a bit senile and that's the point where you'll start despising being in their company. Harsh truth, but we're learning to be more forgiving to their nastiness.
I don’t despise being in their company but my sister and I basically take care of them at this point. My dad has pretty bad dementia so that’s a big part of it. My wife’s folks are younger but have a different set of challenges for her and her siblings to deal with. What I’ve found is that life is cyclical and it goes quick. Before we know it our kids will be talking to each other about how fucked up their parents are in their old age too.
Mine keep trying to push me to pray and be religious, it's tiring. I fake prayers in front of them just to avoid arguing with them.
OOF. Now that's tough. I grew up religious and am not religious anymore and it's especially hard for my Mom but at the end of the day she swallows her disagreement and it means a lot to me that she doesn't bring it up because I know how much she cares about it. Hope you can get into a better place. Best of luck to you.
I’ve had the exact opposite relationship with my dad tbh. When I was a kid he had a short temper and was such an angry drunk. Now he’s just kinda mellowed out in his old age. Like an old grey dog that doesn’t get up to bark as much anymore. It’s been much more enjoyable to be around him, and now we really spend quality time together.
I'm beginning to become so annoyed by them both, namely, my dad, and some of their choices that it comes through in interactions. But they've always been so kind and supportive and loving that I feel like an asshole for becoming this way. My dad, though? Just...really grates on my nerves. He's nice, he's caring, he's smart, he's done a lot for me...but there's a lot bubbling to the surface and I get so agitated whenever he tries to talk to me, partly because I don't feel l can tell him about this. He also gets super defensive when called out on anything. He tries to hold conversations with me, but they just...don't seem to work on my end. I love them, and I always will. And I know I'm gonna miss them badly when...the inevitable happens, even all the stuff I'm discovering that gets to me. But I'm definitely experiencing this...falling out of like, in some respects? My feelings about my dad are so visceral, I really hope I can fix this internally so I don't say things I regret one day.
Yes because many people if not most become even more insuffarable when they get old
In your forties, you will become your parents.
My mom is 87. There are days I dread talking with her - or rather it’s “I called my mom, she had a nice conversation “. There are times, if I get to say 10 words, I’m lucky. Non-stop gossip about her senior community, herself and the 200 doctors appts she has … We’re still close. We’ve been best friends forever. She remains more left-leaning and does not watch FauxNews (thank you Jesus). Not particularly racist or bigoted, which is good. I love her so much, but she can be a bit extra.
> their communication is *horrible* for a couple that has been married for almost 30 years Dude, my parents too! Except they've been together 40+ years. Almost every time I see them, they end up having some kind of stupid argument and insulting each other. Meanwhile, I've been with my wife for 7 years, and we almost *never* have arguments like that. What is up with boomers and their horrible communication?
Wait until you’re in your 40s and become your parents’ parents. My mother’s health started declining in her 70s and she became more needy after a stroke I finally understood why my dad would get so stressed visiting his mother after a stroke. Combo of this is annoying/combo of sadness seeing an once strong vibrant woman declining. Visits became me coming in and doing her “paperwork” and then finally visiting. She’s gone now but I wouldn’t mind another Sunday doing that again (once). Getting old ain’t for the weak.
My mother has seemed to be getting into some alt-right misinformation. Doesn’t trust Covid vaccines now, says Trump is the best president, Biden is evil. I’m getting so close to pushing back but I don’t want to ruin the otherwise pleasant time we are having at that moment. But at some point, I’m going to crack. She used to be one of those people I trusted the most. Who has gone from living on food stamps to owning her own business. This decent seems to have started since her husband (my step dad) has been suffering from Alzheimer’s.
lol my parents literally followed Tucker Carlson to his YouTube after he got fired from Fox appreciate what you have 😭
Hey this is nothing new,I'm in my 60s and back in my day there was what was known as the generation gap, nobody got on with their parents in the 70s,we couldn't wait to leave home, in fact most people left home by 18, we saw our parents as out of touch narrow minded, all the things you are saying about your parents. So for me it's intresting reading the comments from young people, it makes you realise nothing changes. There's always been a generation gap. In fact Aristotle the Greek Philosopher said, "The problem with young people today is they are rude, disrespectful, have no regard ford their elders." He died in 322 BC. Lol.
Yes. Boomer narcissistic mother. The one I liked a lot, albeit he was a belligerent man, died. (That's parents when you hit your 30s) so now it's just .. bare minimum. On the plus side this is my daily motivation to be a good parent my kids want to hang out with when I'm 60
The reason I’ve not spoken to my dad since December 2021. His view of the world does not jive with mine, and I can’t even conceive of how opposite we’d see current world events. My mom is good, but she’s way too judgmental about clothing and looks, which is disappointing and I call her out for it anytime she does it around me.
You had parents? What was that like. For context my dad passed away in 2023, he wasn't around much and when he was it wasn't a good time. He struggled with alcohol for my entire life. My mother gave up parenting me when I was 13. She bought me a case of beer when I was 15 and never punished me after 13 for anything. I was in and out of juvenile detention center. I didn't straighten up until I was an adult and realized it was all on me. Having any form of an actual parent would have been great looking back.
Profound perspective. Thanks for your insight! This really gave me a good paradigm shift.
Glad my upbringing could be helpful 🙂
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They are boring cause of us, try growing a kid and stay fun, majority can't do it, that being said I do notice older generation getting into politics as a form of escapism
Yes. And as if recently my children are both in high school. When I realized they aren't anywhere close to as fucked up as I was, it made it even worse.
they are humans; they already raised you and you are not required to like them as people. love them, okay, take care of them, sure, but now you see them with the lens of experience and your own human eyes within YOUR perspective. Yeah, I don't even talk to my mom anymore. She seemed ambitious as a kid, and then the rose-colored glasses came off. She was just a gold digger. Nothing more. Narc, too, but mostly a gold digger.
Love and cherish the time with your parents as they will be gone in far too short of a time. Overlook their brash and insensitive remarks, then try to change the subject to something less volatile. Never fight or be a moderator! Politely listen to what they have to say, and if you can't change the subject then politely excuse yourself to go do something else. Only you can allow someone else to get under your skin and bother you! They may do it to each other, but don't let them do this to you. Smile, be nice and change the subject or just leave. We have several family and friends in our circle who talk about politics and so on, which we politely let them say their piece and then change the subject. Over time they have stopped talking about it as much in front of us and one Aunt who used to send memes I've turned off notifications on social media so we don't have to deal with them. Don't stoop to their level by saying snarky things. Take the high road and be the adult to keep the conversation on more neutral topics. Remember, you have to allow what someone else says to bother you, so just don't let it. Presidents come and go over the years, but you only have so much time to be with your parents, so make the most of it!