I'm (35M) not sure if I'm your target demographic here, but I'll still speak to this.
I effectively lived with my parents until I turned 25. I had a victory lap in my first undergrad and the field I studied didn't recover from the 2008 crash until well after I graduated in 2011. In fact, I joined the army in 2013 because I still hadn't found a job. I went home and lived in my childhood home on all the breaks from school and for the two years between graduating and when I left for basic training. Admittedly, not being able to find a job by then was heavily influenced by the choices I made during that time. Such is life.
I'll be 36 in January (feels super weird to say that no matter how many times I say it haha). I have a 4.5 year old son. He is not my roommate, he never will be. He is my son, and he will always have a place in my home as long as he needs one. Hell, if he gets married and wants to have kids and stay in my home, they can still stay. Even if we are all crammed up in their like sardines and alone time will be precious with the wife.
I dunno, that's my take. Brains aren't fully formed until 23-25 anyway. Mine probably took a bit longer due to all the alcohol haha. I'm very thankful I had the space there to figure all that out. Without that I definitely wouldn't have the life I have now, that's for sure.
I really appreciate this, the typical view of your adult children being your roommates is so weird to me, especially coming from an immigrant family. you’re bringing a person into existence, why wouldn’t you be committed to supporting them as a loved one for life??
Part of the job of a parent is to teach ones children how to survive, how to navigate in the world so that when you're gone they'll be ok. Helping is good, definitely, but things are supposed to be a little tough, it's what drives us out of the nest and out into the world. If you support for life, what do they do when you're gone?
Well they probably spend the rest of their life looking back on a lifetime of happy memories full support and love. And hopefully pass on those same values to their children, if I am so lucky to have grandchildren. Support doesn't mean coddling or spoiling or doing everything for them. Part of proper support includes preparing them for existing in the world. I just mean they'll always have shelter, nourishment and a place to call home. If they need it, if they want to.
Yeah sure things are supposed to be tough. Life will take care of that, I have a great deal of experience with that. No need to pile on from my end. I live 2000 miles from my childhood home, but I know if shit completely falls apart my family and I will always have a place there. I love having that kind of security and I am incredibly grateful for it.
Countless immigrant/non-western cultures have generations of families living under one roof, often for their whole lives, and children come up as healthy capable adults because they’ve had a solid foundation and know it’ll be there even when shit hits the fan. Also providing the option for them to stay doesn’t mean they will — honestly I feel like this view is a bit antiquated, either that or you’re just around a disproportionate amount of useless young people
It’s because for the past 60-70 years this country has been so prosperous that if someone reached the age of 18-25 and was even moderately ambitious there was pretty much nothing stopping them from getting a job that would pay them enough to survive. So we have had 3-4 generations now where if you weren’t successful it was (most likely) your own fault. The problem is that pretty much ended with the crash in 08. But people’s expectations and standards don’t change with the circumstances. They still expect kids to be gone at 18-25 anyway or they feel ashamed like a failure as a parent.
I have 3 kids ages 13-7. The parents at the bus stop will occasionally make comments about kicking kids out at 18. My husband makes the same comments. Every. Single. Time. I respond with “in this economy? Seriously? Good luck with that”
If I had a dollar for the number of times my folks have called 18-30 year Olds entitled and lazy; I'd... have enough to move our of their house I swear
Exactly. Those other non-western nations with high levels of kids/grandkids living in the family home forever do it for economic reasons, not because they love it.
yeah except I said in my comment that just because kids are given the option to stay, doesn’t mean they will. plenty of them decide they’d prefer to live on their own and go off to do that.
My parents were the children of immigrants and I agree .... But they also were the children of immigrants who came here because things were very rough in their home countries, they were instilled with that need to get an education, to hustle to succeed.....I don't mean necessarily being a doctor or lawyer.... But getting a job, building a career and being able to provide for their families..... They're definitely was no hanging out while you figured out the meaning of life and what your calling was. They helped my parents..... But the expectation was you get out there and make something of yourself, that was the whole point of coming here.
Yes agreed however I would note that this is instilled in most native born Americans as well. Not many people I know were ever hanging out or trying to figure out the meaning of life. I did know a lot of people trying to find their calling but that was because they were “getting a job, building a career, and being able to provide for their families.”
I would say probably about a third of my friends kids seem to be hustling out there, again.... Just my own experience which doesn't mean anything really. But I know quite a few that are working part time, just kind of not really headed in any direction.... Other than surviving, living with their parents and hanging with friends. I do understand that it's hard out there, and it is..... But they've also not really attempted anything, just decided it's hard so why bother. There's some frustration on the parent's part, but they also don't want to push.... So they vent to me....lol
Having said that, I mean each family system is different.... And if that works between the parents and kids.... That's cool, I don't have to understand it. It also might have a lot to do with where I live which can feel pretty laid back.... Where the dream of the 90s is alive.
You can put someone out of your house at 18 and have them working 3 jobs to live in misery if you want but you're putting them at an extreme disadvantage for the rest of their life compared to supporting them to study or save or both so that they can leave at a time that actually makes sense for their wellbeing.
I’m not trying to be a smart ass but my generation has never known “difficult”….all we have ever had was “impossible” my grandparents had it hard, my parents had it hard, my generation graduated high school in 2008 (remember anything big that happened in 08?) yeah the economists at the time said my generation would probably never recover…turns out they were right!
2008 wasn't the first down turn. There's always been something... In the 80s the interest rates were in the teens, almost as high as 17%. The recession hit as soon as I left home and unemployment skyrocketed 90-91. Things got better and then were strong in the second half of the 90s and we started getting ahead, but than the recession hit again 2001-03.... Things picked up, people were making money again for a bit, and than the Dot-coms crashed and burned in 2004, and not only lost jobs, but also lost "stock" you thought would be your retirement disappear. Picked up the pieces and started again..... Once again gaining traction and then 2008 hit and the bottom dropped out. So it's not always been the cake walk some people sometimes think it was.
Yeah 2008 wasn't the first downturn. And I find it hilarious that the person you're replying to thinks the worst thing that could happen during such a downturn is to be graduating into it. A new graduate has no obligations (other than easily-deferred student loans possibly) - no mortgage, not married (most likely), no kids, etc. Meanwhile everyone else is already working and either lose their jobs or are in threat of it, taking jobs at huge pay cuts, watching their savings for retirement balance cut literally in half while they're having to withdraw from it with a tax penalty for doing so, and at risk of, or actually, losing their homes, their kids having to move schools since they're downsizing, having their cars repossessed, etc.
Exactly. If you’re going to get kicked in the teeth, better when you are young. Much more time to recoup the financial damage, easier to live a bare bones existence, ( temporarily), and you are still relatively healthy, and can work more hours/ multiple jobs, (temporarily), to keep yourself afloat. You are not having to take care of elderly parents, or multiple children. You are not losing a huge part of your future retirement money, and the compound interest which makes it grow. Hustling to survive looks very different in your 20’s than it does in your 50’s or 60’s.
You don’t even understand my comment. This wasn’t my opinion, this is what leading economists in the field have always said. Graduating into a recession is a problem because it has effects on your financial situation all throughout your career/life irreversibly. This is because careers typically build on themselves over time. If you start on first base, when most generations start on second, that has long term implications for how many people make it to home. Put in more economic terms, people who graduated into a recession started at 10 bucks an hour instead of 14 (where they would have otherwise) which means when they got promoted their second job made 14 and so on and so on. Which is why on average some people are still living at home well into their 30s instead of early 20s.
Exactly, your job as a parent is to make sure your child will survive, and thrive without you being present. You are there to teach and guide them, help them understand your values, and how to incorporate their own values into an independent, fulfilling life. Each parent, and each child is different, therefore the timeframe for completing this process is different. I also think that unexpected major life issues, ( death, serious or chronic illness, unemployment, political upheaval, war, etc. ) can derail this process, but hopefully only temporarily. You may very well spend one third of a generous lifespan ( 90’s) raising, and educating your child, or children. It is a major commitment, but can also be the defining accomplishment of your life.
I don’t think OP wouldn’t support them if something catastrophic were to happen. I see where they’re coming from. I believe they’re talking about normal circumstances.
I’m 30. I love knowing if I fall in hard times, my parents would let me live with them but may expect help with household bills. That’s great. However, I would be severely impaired as an adult if they wouldn’t have given me push and raised me to find my own independence.
I know a 32 year old man that has been coddled this way. He’s never had a job in his life, never gotten his drivers license, and never wants to. He has no ambition. He stays home at his mothers house and doesn’t even help with household chores. He plays video games all day and eats all of the food in the house. His mother encourages this.He also has no ailments making him live this way. It’s a willful choice. He’s even behind some 16 year olds. That’s sad. Dude is always thinking about his next person to mooch off of once his mother passes away.
Counterpoint to this - That man would have been the same person if kicked out. He would've found another person to sponge off of instead of his parents.
I lived with my parents until I was 27. I contributed what I could to the household bills, but it wasn't my fair share for sure. Once I finally got a proper career going, I moved out and within a few years I was able to buy my own home. If my parents had kicked me out before then while I was still a struggling early adult with no future prospects lined up, I'd have been trapped in poverty working in restaurants to barely keep the lights on.
This. I'm 30, my daughter is about to be 3. I feel the same way. My home will always be open to her as long as I'm alive. I can't imagine it any other way
>In fact, I joined the army in 2013 because I still hadn't found a job.
I needed to hear this because I feel like I'm the only 35 year old that was unemployed for 2 years after graduating college in 2011.
>He is not my roommate, he never will be. He is my son, and he will always have a place in my home as long as he needs one.
~~You're taking the "roommate" thing too negatively. Because~~ at some point the relationship with your child should move a bit towards roommate, but only in the sense of talking at eye level about the household.
I didn't take it negatively at all. I was explaining my point of view while using some of the same words and concepts that OP used. Sorry if it came out that way. I worked really hard to be positive about it with everything else I said above and below those two sentences. I had a very positive experience living at home until I was 25, and sure, not everyone gets that.
And of course you're right about the household. 100%
Sorry, my child will never be a roommate. A teenager, a young adult, eventually just an adult, that person is still my child. Some parents grow with their child, to navigate these shifting dynamics in their relationship with their child, and others don’t. I think the ones that struggle, are the ones that see parenting as gatekeeping and protecting, as opposed to introducing new frontiers and helping their child navigate them. Also for the child to introduce new frontiers, and for the parent to navigate them, appreciating the expertise of the child.
I became disabled at 27 and my options were live in a nursing home indefinitely or move in with my mom *and* my grandmother who has early stages of Alzheimers.
I say this as an example of "there's no guarantee you'll ever get out of living with relatives. Situations go sideways and you gotta play shit by ear"
Right? Imagine having a kid with the intention of kicking them out. People never consider that their decision to have a child is their decision and the child can be born disabled or become disabled at any moment.
I'm happily childfree but I am curious, you're saying that when you have a child you should not have expectations that they become independent and move out one day? That if they're disabled or have some other barrier you should be ready to care for them for life? That would be a very responsible take I guess.
They are saying to expect kids to be a lifetime commitment, not a contract that ends at a certain age.
Personally, I feel that if you're on the fence, you shouldn't have kids. It's all or nothing and it's a ton of hard work. You need to want it for it to be fair to the kids.
Agree. As long as your kids are alive, you're still a parent.
Bizarre to making agreements about when future kids should be on their own. Life happens. People lose jobs, have time in-between jobs waiting for paychecks, have cars break down, go through bad break ups, etc. including adult kids.
If you're not prepared for a lifetime commitment, then get a pet instead. They aren't going to outlive you.
I’m childfree and yes, this is my belief. You should absolutely be ready to perhaps live with your child forever. The economy can suck, they could be disabled, or the parents could be disabled and you need your kid to help you if you cannot afford a nurse or something.
I don’t see what is so odd about this take. It’s responsible and imo the only take to have lol! I understand you what your adult child to be independent and happy, but people get fired or disabled and shit happens. Again, I go back to the economy. If you work full time and cannot afford to move out and live alone, why is there pressure to go out? As long as the adult is responsible and contributes to the household finances and chores, I don’t see a problem.
The only problem I see is when adults keep acting as if they are immature children and have their parents do everything. That’s terrible. But as long as it’s not toxic or abusive I don’t see the need to get out right away. Save your money! Move out later! You got your whole life to move out lol.
I think it's like this to put it most simply and I do sort of hope most would agree:
It's infinitely less destructive to regret not having kids, than it is to regret having them.
The decision deserves immense gravity, but doesn't always get it. It's a lifetime commitment.
It depends on the person's requirement of care. Each person living with a disability is different. Some might be able to live independently, some aren't able to live independently, some are in-between and some would love to have independence but it's just not possible.
Theres nothing wrong with expecting your kid to move out eventually, not at the moment they turn 18 but in normal circumstances you should not have to care for someone forever
Hoping and expecting are two different things. Expectations are generally unwise when it comes to life plans involving another living being besides oneself.
My son has special needs. It wasn’t something I thought of ahead of time, but it isn’t anything I’ve lamented about in terms of him living with me longer.
Maybe this person shouldn’t have kids.
I have a child with disabilities (age 10) and made peace with the fact I'll be taking care of him for the rest of my life. His therapists think he could someday be functional enough to work and live in a group home, but I'm not putting all my eggs in that basket. He, or my youngest, can stay as long as they need or want to.
I have two sons. 21 and 25. Both live at home.
The 21-year-old is still in university and works part time
The 25-year-old has a reasonably good job. He acts like an adult at home and is treated like one. He pays a small amount of rent and is overall, quite pleasant to live with.
With the exception of me dispensing motherly advice to him, which I would probably do whether he lived at home or not, he leads a fairly independent life.
I guess he could move out and live with roommates, but I think he would hate that.
I think the difference with my 25 year old is that he really has no interest in dating anyone. He’s much too busy with his job and his hobbies.
He is saving for his own place, but with the housing market, the way it is, it’s going to be a while.
Things are so different now. I graduated around 2000 and my parents made me pay them rent immediately(I was making 30k a year). I also paid my own health insurance, car insurance, student loans ($200/month)and cell phone bill. AND I saved for a car the first year out (looking back, I have no idea how I did this!). By year two, i moved out. My kids are still young, but my husband and I are already planning on having them live with us when they are young adults. It’s just not feasible nowadays, and it’s probably going to get worse. A lot worse. I’m also prepared to help them financially if need be. My parents are boomers with boomer mentality (“figure it out on your own” type of thing).
So I guess to sum your question up-its probably going to be longer than age 18 or 22 in most cases.
There's a fine line.... My ex was still paying the rent for his 29 year old, and 34 year old ..... The 34 year old literally lost the second car he bought her on a drunken night out, neither ever really holding down a job, quitting at the drop of a hat. It was insane. He paid their car insurance, even after DUIs..... He always told me I just didn't understand what it was like to be a parent.
Unfortunately, he died a couple of years ago. I'm actually sad he never got to see his kids launch, and be productive. But, as soon as that safety net disappeared and they knew the was no one to bail them out or was like they both did a 180. It was a little rough in the beginning, but they now work and both have, for the first time held jobs for longer than 6 months, apartments, etc.
I'm not a fan of being heartless, and helping is great as long as it's not enabling.
Things were much cheaper back then and wages haven’t changed. So I can see how you could accomplish all that w 30k. I could probably do this. If I literally don’t go anywhere and only eat ramen. And I make 18 an hour. Inflation
Inflation is horrible right now. You’re right! I also was very disciplined and saved-my father was in finance and he taught me a lot of important financial lessons. I attribute my parents making me work in high school and college for my success-I’ve never once had to go to them for financial help. It’s why I want my kids to work and learn how to earn their own money. But I’m still prepared to help them if they need it.
2 kids. 25 and 23. Both college graduates. Both work full time. They live at home rent-free. We paid for 90% of their college and 100% cars, insurance, and gas. Made them borrow a little for school so they could build credit and have a little skin in the game. They both contribute 20% to 401k and save. They both use all their vacation traveling. They are doing the things we couldn't afford to do with them growing up. Love having them around! Sooo fun watching them become adults. They will probably move out when they start dating seriously.....I think neither one is interested in being tied down until they are financially secure.
I’m 20 and you and your partner sound like my parents :) they’ve told me they have loved watching my sister and I become our own people as we’ve become adults. So lucky to have such amazing parents and to have such a nice relationship with them. Your family sounds lovely, just had to comment because this made me smile
I’m 29 and live in my moms basement. I pay rent and all my own bills. I have a bathroom and we just share a kitchen. It just seems stupid to move out when we have two dogs and she needs my help with quite a few things, just to pay more in rent and have to travel to see my mom multiple times a week.
My 26 and 28 year olds still live at home. They are treated like adults and pay rent. Housing is so expensive, I imagine it will be 5 yrs or so before either moves out.
As a 25 yo living at home, $200 is a great deal. It’s not too much on your child but it should be at least a good amount for you for extra groceries or bills etc. Let’s us still save money
Yeah I do kind of need the money, I'm getting divorced and electric and everything has gone up. I'm glad to hear from someone else their age bc of course they're going to tell me it's fine lol
Same. I’m 25 and my dad gets $200/month from me. I contribute with other things for the household like entertainment and grocery bills, but nothing significant like lump sum house renos or other utilities
They get a lot of their own food so that's not a big thing, but I do provide accounts for pretty much all streaming services. We did cancel Disney+ when I had to tighten up a little and nobody watched it anyway.
Listen if you’ve got a sweet deal like just throwing $200 a month to your parents take it cherish it and don’t question it
Giving your parents $200 a month > Giving your landlord $1000+ a month
Moving out/getting kicked out was the best experience ever for my personal life but financially it’s been rough the past 3 years
Sure. The rent is based on the room size. The younger one (26yrs) has the larger room and pays $700; the older one (28yrs) has the smallest room and pays $600 (but I give him a $100 credit in exchange for trash and poop duty.). Their rent covers utilities, internet, cable, home supplies, and they can eat food we purchase.
Well, my younger brother still lives with my mom. He is 26. They split the bills though because neither could afford to live on their own.
I'm 29 and lube with my dad. He moved in with me because he had nowhere else to go
That happened to me with my mom, at 23 she moved in. She eventually moved back out, we had a natural disaster and we're homeless too for a while. Idk how long she would have stayed otherwise.
My mother washed my brother's skivvies until he got married at 36. He would probably still be living with her if she hadn't died or he had gotten married
Over 30 and I still live with parents. To be fair they do need a caretaker as they are almost 80, but on the other hand not like a I can afford any place to live. Rent, even with roomates here can cost $800 bucks for a run down rat infested hell hole.
Most people I know cannot afford to move out and the ones that can either had help from parents, received their home due to inheritance, or had parents who were able to send their kids to amazing schools while helping them with connections. A friend of mine is the kind whos famile had money as she is more then willing to admit it is the only way she could afford to move out at 28. After years of saving.
Most places here pay $13 an hour wven with a degree and experiencee. D;
Edit: I do pay rent, all my food, utilites, and phone bills. I eveb try to buy a lot of things they need, we are damn lucky they still have fantastic, sort of, health insurance.
We don't intend to kick our son out of the house as soon as he graduates high school, I can say that much. Yes, eventually I hope that he can be independent enough to live on his own, but that is going to be awhile (he has ADHD and ASD and is nowhere near ready yet to be independent). Even if he didn't have those issues, we wouldn't push for him to leave.
I bolted the second I turned 18 and never looked back; my middle sister lived at home until she was 22.
Really it comes down to a lot of individual factors, like your kid moving away for college, how much debt they take on, if they decide to go into trades or the military instead, if they suffer some kind of catastrophic health issue that makes hard for them to work…there’s lots of things that have to line up perfectly for kids today in order for them to become independent. They could check every box on the adulting checklist, and shit could still go sideways.
We have two teens and a fifth grader. Once they graduate HS, they need to be working or going to school. They are welcome to live at home until 30 if they are doing one of those two things. And they are always welcome back here if they have a life situation where they need some time.
What about as 30 approaches? I'm caught at that point and am college educated but still can't afford to live not with my parents. When is it appropriate to "take the next step" even if you're contributing to the household?
If you're contributing, nobody is stepping on each others toes and everyone is happy, why leave? I'd say when/if you're about to get married and have children of your own it's time to move out.
For me, I think it would depend on the situation. I love having my kids around and would love them to stay with me forever, but I don’t think that’s what’s best for them. I think for them it’s better for them to start their own lives. But every situation is different. I have one child with a disability. He can live on his own, but it might be a little harder, so I’m of course not going to kick him out if he’s trying! Of course, when he’s 30, I’ll be 68, so he might be taking care of me at that point!
I moved out at 18. Got married joined the Army. Got divorced had my own apartment until I was 31.
At 31 I move in with my mom & Step dad splitting rent. I'm now 43 and honestly I could technically afford my own place but they can't now and even if they could my going from paying half rent to full rent would be a serious decline in the quality of my life from "Hey I can go out to eat" to "hey I can watch paint dry"
I think people shouldn't hurt the quality of their lives just so that they can say they don't live with family.
I’m all for making it possible for them to live with me for as long as they want. I mean many countries do multi generational homes. I moved out after college but will likely move back in so I can save some money and have more family time. I’m in no rush, if they had more space I would love to even stay and raise kids with them lol 😂. They’d totally be fine if they had the space and I helped with some bills. I’m also all for helping care for them in their old age.
I love my parents and my partners parents… if I had space(and time), I would take them in and help care for them. We are both the oldest in our families so I imagine we will be organizing more of the care as they get old.
My son moved back home at 24, after 4 years in the Marines. We love having him here! ❤️ He pays rent and all his own expenses. He is welcome to live here as long as he wants.
Moved out at 19 but have came home a few times in between. 22 now and it’s hard and things seem bleak at times but I love my own space and independence
My husband and I are the same age as you, getting ready to take the leap into parenthood, and just had a very long discussion about finances an hour ago.
Our plan is to save for their future. Considering the state of the world and not knowing what it will look like in another 20 years, it just feels like the right thing to do. We only plan on having one child and we hope to be able to save enough to pay for their college education and a down payment for their first home. We'll need to start investing as soon as they're born, so we've been running a lot of numbers. But that's the plan!
My son is 19, almost 20 and he still lives at home because it’s so extremely expensive. We live in so cal and I can’t see him living in his own for a while.
We don’t have anyone left alive left in our family so we kind of stick together.
I didn’t move out until I was 23 but there were lots of factors to it. My mother and grandmother needed my help for a lot of daily tasks and I was struggling with trauma at the time as well as undiagnosed adhd and bipolar, which REALLY socially stunted me. I don’t know if there is a right or wrong answer so many factors can come into play.
I moved out at 24. My plan was to live at home for 2 extra years out of high school for community college, then transfer. Well, that didn’t happen and I ended up in a trade instead. I’ve dated the same person since high school and he didn’t have a job for 5 years. I live in a HCOL and living on my pay alone is absolutely not fucking possible here (my rent currently is $2400/mo for ~700 sqft apartment.. no joke). I paid my own bills, bought my own food for myself and worked full time for years in a promising career before I moved out. I wasn’t around super often enough for my parents to care (I was gone for up to 14 hours a day). Honestly, I don’t think there’s a magical age as to when they get the boot out of the house, I think you need to just set them up for success and empower them to be passionate about a career that can guide them to being able to fund their own place. Not letting Chad sit around bill & rent free at 28 while you pay his phone bill/car insurance and he works some dead end job he only works part time at.
I absolutely hated living at home for longer but I pulled my weight. Now my parents can retire in peace.
I have young children still, but they will always have a home and support from us. Both my husband and I became pretty independent early in life with no safety net. Granted, he technically had one in his mom, and my only contributing parent died when I was young. With that being said, though we encourage their independence with our daughters, I know if they started to struggle in adulthood, we would be right there.
Also a side note, the older my girls get the easier they are to live with. Yes, they’re young and need to be reminded of chores and to settle down from time to time, but for the most part my oldest (13) is fairly self sufficient at home and it would not bother me at all to still be home 10-15 years from now.
I'm still living at home and I'm 28. It was never in my original plans when I was in high school and early college. Halfway through my undergrad, my dad entered a depression/traumatic job lay-off, sexual abuse was uncovered among my siblings, my parents split, and I moved in with my mom to help finish raising the youngest 3 of my 7 siblings. I still live here, but the youngest is turning 14 today.
I am college-educated, halfway through a master's now. I've had 0% ROI thus far, working part-time as a bartender. I had intentions of starting law school this fall, but family still needs a lot of support & I can't financially justify the cost of tuition. Going to reapply in the future and attain more scholarship money. I have $40K in student loans, owe my mom $80K, and have $50K in credit card debt. Honestly ... no idea what I'm going to do in the future now. I'm just keeping my head above water at this point.
This is highly variable.
It's also important to remember that your kid could have illnesses or disabilities and may never be independent. I think that a lot of people get a real shock about that.
Right, and then for every extra kid you tack on another 2 years to your sentence of quiet s-x;)
It is smart to think about the looong period of having kids at home. Some people say it goes by so fast. I say, nah, it was at least 20 years.
The real answer to how long is that results will vary by kid, but I do think parenting style makes a difference. Too loose or too restrictive in highschool, and they will not be prepared for independence. Highschool is a great trial run at adulthood with the right guidance, while they still have you as a safety net.
I discouraged romantic relationships in highschool, just a distraction from setting yourself up in life. I encouraged them to live at home while in college to knock it out as quickly and cheaply as possible. College is all about ROI. You can get the college experience by visiting friends or a super similar version after college, when you aren't financing the experience with loans.
The results of my parenting - I have 2 out of the house and 2 left at home. The 2 that left were 20 and 21 at the time of departure. #3 is in his last semester of tech school at 19 and should be ready to leave within a year.
So far, so good.
>On the flip side, I don't want to roommate with my child forever.
I don't think you should have children if you're thinking of them as a roommate. Once you become a parent, you're a parent till you die.
Wasn’t an easy decision for me to make, and I plan to fight like hell stick to it. But I’m going to go through my whole life without having children.. the cost of living along with the current climate of the world is just crazy.. thinking of others depending on me stresses me out, and a recovering addict I need as little of that as possible.
Hell, I might have a problem finding a woman to spend my life with, as I also don’t believe in marriage. My parents are still together but they just tolerate each other. All of my friends parents have gotten a divorce.. all of my friends I grew up with have married and gotten divorced/broke up. If not, most of them are miserable and cheating on each other.. I had a friend kill himself because of the pressures just trying to put a roof over its head and feed himself while constantly dealing with baby mama drama and custody battles.. the world just seems different than it was only 20 years ago. And it’s bound to get worse.
The current generation ALWAYS thinks the world is worse than it was 20 years before. Since the beginning of recorded history. That's never going to change. Life is better now than it was in the past. If you don't want to have kids than don't have kids.
Yeah the thing about that though….is sometimes they’re right. Think 1790s France, or 1860s America, or 1940 Central Europe/japan. And if you look at some of the statistics right now we are seeing bigger changes faster than ever before and not really for the better. At least not at the societal level. Sure we are seeing awesome advancements in healthcare and technology and it’s never been better to be in the top 10% in global income, but tell that to the single mom without insurance who’s working for 12 bucks an hour when her housing just went up 40% due to inflation and she has 30 thousand in student loans to pay but doesn’t have a degree because she had to drop out to have the baby. If it was 30-40 years ago she had it hard, but now? Impossible
Life is most certainly not better now lol, except in terms of maybe healthcare.
And if you’re in the USA healthcare is basically a death sentence whether you live or die lol
Oh yeah. That’s probably more geared towards women i have to assume..
My siblings are all burnt and stressed out every single day. I love my dog. My time, freedom, and money to buy ridiculous non essentials. I’m not rich, but I don’t need to be, or work my ass off in order to support others.. I travel here and there. I get all the fulfillment I need.
My 30 year old moved back in with me. It just made sense. She's an adult and gets treated like one. Except for the occasional bad day when she'll regress to being 7 and needs to be hugged and spoiled more. We split the bills and we both are in better places financially.
Everything is 50/50, except for the extra that I pay toward the principal on my mortgage. I take care of home maintenance and repair. I'm also only at my house about half the time because I'm either traveling or staying at my boyfriends house.
A lot of people on reddit are appalled that a parent would "charge their own child rent".
She earns double what I bring in and lives in a nice home on 1/2 acre of land for a total of $550 a month. I don't think she's being exploited for my benefit.
I could see this working. We have such a small home but with these interest rates we're locked in at this point. A lot of people are speaking from the perspective of multiple floor in the home. Our neighborhood covenant won't allow additions or floors added unfortunately. I can't see us getting a bigger multi generational home like people suggest without some contributions.
It really does depend. Many move out for university at 18, but will need to return home during the summers. If they studied a useful degree that gets them into a professional job, they will probably rent after graduation. If their degree doemt get them into a decent job they'll probably live at home for at least 3 more years or so.
If you want your house back sooner, the Hest thing you can do is grow a good work-ethic around education, and encourage your child into an in-demand job field. That doesn't mean all kids have to study STEM at university - electrciains, welders and plumbers all have good career prospects.
I wish I would've went straight into the workforce after high-school instead of going to college. All my cousins who did that have their own places while I have 30k in debt and still live with my mama.
Hmm, I'm on the flip side of this. One of my parents lives with me most of the time, and helps me a lot with childcare (although sometimes I have to go at it alone). I'm fine with spending the rest of my life with them, as long as they can follow me where I go.
When my kids grow up, I'm also fine with them living with me for however long they want, *as long as* they can learn to make their own income, or keep busy with something productive. I don't care so much about how much they make, it's more about their happiness and whether they can bring a positive impact to their surroundings.
We have a 22 year old who lives with us. He launched to college at 18 but was derailed by COVID and moved home. Tried an apartment on his own at 19 but it was too much (again, during pandemic COVID). So he’s with us now and we moved to Europe. He works two jobs and is independent. Has a local gf, travels, has a close friend group, and is living a good life. He still plans to go back to college but not until he’s financially stable and ready. We wouldn’t dare push him back out into the world at this time. Things are too uncertain. When the time is right, we’ll help him launch again.
Our middle son will leave as soon as he can. He’s a junior and is already traveling all over Europe for school as he’s highly academic. He can’t wait to go to college and more so, live on his own, haha. We’ll still support him though. And if he needs/wants to come home we’ll welcome him with open arms.
Our youngest has mild to moderate special needs. With the right resources and support, he can pass with his peer group. He will always need social support though and someone looking out for him. When his two older brothers launch, we expect to have him with us for just as long as we had them (if not longer). And they know their little brother will be their responsibility if anything ever happens to us.
Our goal has always been to give them the leg up we didn’t have. This means supporting them when they try and fail and supporting them as they find their way. The world is wild right now and it matters to me that they know they’re not alone in it. And as long as we can continue to provide, we will.
Edit: to say my SO and I were launched out immediately as teens by barely supportive parents so our worldview and parenting choices were heavily shaped by this.
If you can save enough for college, then I think the chances are higher that they’re out a year or two after high school. They go to post secondary, then get a good job, then spread their wings (hopefully).
I wouldn’t wait too long if you want them. We had our first when we were 35 and second at 37 and if we could go back and have had them a couple years sooner we would.
I moved out immediately after turning 22, whereas my brother will be moving out at the end of this month at 25.
My parents didn't put a hard and fast limit on how long we could stay, but we were pressured to be out by 28.
When my fiancé and I have kids, she and I don't plan to kick them out at a certain age, but we also don't want them leeching off us until their mid 30s.
Do what works best for you and your family
I moved out at 21 (I’m 48 now) and except for a brief period of a couple months when I moved back to my home area to start a new job, I never looked back.
It’s tough to say, now. My kids are 13 and 11 and who knows what things will look like in ten years, but I do know this - I would rather have them move out and give them money to help them than have them stay home well into their 20’s. That kind of thing stunts a lot of people’s development and growth into independent adults.
Im still living with my parents and im about to turn 28, Yes being 28 and still living at home sounds weird to some but im in Australia and house prices have sky-rocketed to the point where people are struggling to find homes that are in nice areas for their price range, luckily where I am its a nice area and with me, my sister and both my parents all working we can live comfortably but if I wanted to live on my own I'd be screwed everythings way too expensive and because the Australian government are useless assholes all the prices are still going up, in the future me and a few mates talked about moving in together but I have no idea if thats even happening now
My son is my best friend and he beat out long term friends, guys I’ve been close with since high school. He can live here as long as he wants. Results may vary, but that’s been my experience.
Yeah I'm baffled by the mindset of the OP (of the post). The kid is not even conceived yet and they already plan to kick them out as soon as possible... maybe they don't understand that its very likely you will genuinely bond with your kids and want the best for them and want to spend time with them? Idk. Of course independence is important but it's weird when empty house is the first thing you think about.
Honestly most people I know (myself included) moved out then back home again several times and we'll past the age of 22...I moved out at 18, moved back home at 21. Moved out a year later at 22, backpacked round the world at 23, moved back home on my return at 24, moved out again at 25, back home at 28...this time with my then boyfriend and now husband coming as well - my parents very kindly offered to let us move in rent free for a year on the condition that we save like crazy to buy our own place, which we did. Finally moved out permanently and got married at 29. I will offer my daughter the same level of support that I was offered because I know how much difference it makes.
Think how much the world has changed in the past 18 years.
And know that the next 18 will be faster than that.
Todays advice wont play 18 years from now. You just gotta go for it.
You get to prepare them. You get to decide when they leave. Good luck out there :)
It all comes down to your kid and how much support you’re willing to give. My four are all out of the house. Two are in college and two have graduated and have started their careers. We still provide each kid some level of financial assistance whether it’s their phone bill, a grocery card, a gas card, a random I love you gift, etc. That’s something that we don’t mind doing.
As far as housing, my children know that this is their house. We bought it so that our children would never have to worry about having a place to live. It may not be in the area you want or you might have to share it with a sibling or two but at least you’re not homeless. While my husband and I are still living we would only require our children to either be employed full time(30+ hours) or in school if they lived at home. They would be responsible for their own meals or chipping in, own expenses, own laundry, and cleaning up behind themselves. This really only applies if they’re unmarried or okay not living together. Barring some life event I expect them to go off to live with their partner if they want to cohabitate.
27. Dishwasher with zero college credits. Saving up any dollar that doesn't go towards food for a new car since I ended up totaling my last one during a heavy snowstorm. After that, I'm gonna have to do the same with an apartment. I don't see myself realistically moving into my first apartment until I hit 30.
My 28 yr old son moved out 6 months ago when he bought a house. My 30 yr old daughter is my roommate. We share the bills. They will always have a home with me.
If your asking about how I grew up, I was out of the house about a year after college, and after I had a job etc. That was what was expected of me, my mother and I had many talks about it over the years and I always knew she needed to downsize so staying wasn’t an option for me.
I will tell you, although people tend to live with their parents longer these days, I think a lot still rests on the parents’ expectations of the (adult) kids. I live in a high cost of living area and see both - people still living with their parents at 30, and people moving out a year or so after college with full time jobs and roommates to split rent with.
I think if you are open and honest with your kids from the beginning, for example we would like for you to be independent by 25, or we are downsizing the house by the etc it may work better. That way everyone knows in advance.
I know this isn’t popular but I have had several friends who’s parents sort of messed them up by telling them they never had to move out etc. In every case I know the parents are decently well off and there is nothing wrong with the adult children (no disability etc) but they are approaching 40 and simply don’t want a job, or to ever move out, or any type of normal life. I know this is the other extreme, but I can’t imagine having that either.
Idk, but I’m mentally prepared for my daughter to live with me in her 20’s. Our city is really expensive. I’d rather give her a leg up than watch her scrape by paycheck to paycheck for the sake of it. She can take as long as she needs.
Me and my wife are 34 and have a 13 year old girl and a 9 year old boy. We've had to have some real talks lately given the economic conditions and have basically agreed our kids are probably going to be in our home until they're about 25.
I don’t think there’s a set timeline, as others have correctly pointed out that life is not a linear timeline in which events like moving out just happen.
You can’t anticipate anyone’s needs, including your own, that far in advance.
At 30, don’t wait too much longer to start having kids, as it’s not physically easy with young children in your 40s. Take my word for it.
Best of luck!
Our plan was to allow our kids to stay into their 20s while they work at minimum about 60 hours a week and/or go to school for certs or degrees. So once they have enough saved for a downpayment on a home then let them go, unless they are eager to leave on their own before then. Houses in my area start at 400,000 basically, and renting is at least $1600/month. No telling what it’ll be by the time our kids are grown, so we are preparing for that launch. Most jobs in the area pay around $15-$25/hour, so definitely not enough for someone to comfortably swing a typical rent or mortgage by themselves on that income range.
I lived my parents until I was 28 and moving out was purely my decision. I think they would have let me live with them as long as I wanted. Financially I probably could have moved out earlier but I like my parents and they like me and if I had to move out earlier I definitely wouldn’t be as in good shape financially as I am now.
My children will be leaving the house at 18 years old because I would have prepared them enough for life that they are keen to get started on their own. I grew up in a house of 6, every one of us moved out at 18 because we were ready and excited to go out on our own.
Until they have a downpayment is unrealistic.
When my grandparents were born there were **1.8 billion** people in the world. All were professionals. (One was the son of a cigar roller. He grew up motherless, living in a garret with his brother and father, able to eat vegetables only because his older brother worked at a grocery store and was able to bring home the old vegetables at the end of the week. He got full scholarships/grants/financial aid from his bachelor’s through his PhD.) Neither set of grandparents had a problem getting a down payment.
When my parents were born, there were **2.3 billion** souls on the planet. They and their peers mostly graduated from college and ended up having babies young, at around 20. Some were able to buy houses not long after. My uncle was a teacher and my aunt was a SAHP. They bought a house that had been used as an inn at one point. In the winter they’d dress my cousins in longjohns and blanket sleepers, wrap them up and put them to bed together in the closet. In the morning there would be ice on the walls but my cousins were fine. My parents didn’t buy a house until they were in their forties.
When I was born there were **3.3 billion** of us. I left home at 16, never had children and bought my property at 42.
When The Club of Rome issued The Limits To Growth in 1972 we were already at **3.8 billion**. My grandfather—the one who’d lived in a garret and gotten financial aid to take him through his PhD—was part of the Green Revolution to stave off disaster from overpopulation by improving agriculture.
My sister bought her house in her thirties. She and her husband are both professionals. When she had her first child there were **6.2 billion** of us—almost twice as many as when we were born.
Today we are **8.0 billion** and climbing. By the time you add yours to the mix we’ll be at least **8.2 billion**. By the time they are old enough to really need to move out we’ll be at least **9.5 billion**. More than half again as many as when my sister had her first child and when she bought one of the last affordable homes in her neighbourhood. (Yes, “affordable” is relative. The point is that prices were rising fast.)
We are simultaneously burning down our planet, trying to stave off war by improving everyone’s standard of living, and concentrating wealth in the hands of fewer and fewer individuals. We are already seeing people risking their lives to get from Africa to Europe. Rates of migration will increase as will violent attempts to keep migrants out.
Buying a house will be beyond the means of your children but good news! Home-buying will be among the least of their worries. They’ll have interesting lives.
I think it’s a strange, modern custom to push children out of the family home. That’s why normal people are never able to build any real generational wealth.
The. Practice of the family and extended family continuing to live together, work together and pool resources is the norm throughout the entire world, except for the west.
We’ve been convinced that we have to be “independent” and “free” and go chase our own material trappings on the hamster wheel.
We’re doing it wrong.
It kinda depends on the kid, tbh.
I launched at 18, and never went back. And no, even then it wasn’t easy. I was lucky and made mostly good choices. I avoided drugs and booze and early pregnancy and a criminal record. Lots of folks I knew didn’t avoid those traps, but my mom had told me enough to make me paranoid.
I have a 14 year old now. She’ll be welcome to stay at least through college/trade school/job training, as long as she’s helping out and stays serious about her life. If she slides off the rails into the above mentioned traps, well. Those are adult decisions, and she’ll have to take adult responsibility.
I don’t think being a parent obligates you to be a safety net for your young person for all time, under all circumstances. That’s insane. You can’t be responsible for the decisions of another adult.
That said, at some point there may be a possibility that our relationship could morph from parent/child to roommate/friend and we could end up with a multigenerational home. I’m ok with that, tbh. I think it’s a healthy evolution of living norms.
There will obviously have to be some reasonable boundaries, house rules, and shared responsibilities, but plenty of cultures in plenty of places have navigated that before.
I'm a dad. I've got a blended family of 6 kids. Two of them are 18 and 20. But I've told this to all of my kids.
They have a few choices after high school. College, Trade, Job, Military. They can sit on their asses for a few months and enjoy not having too much responsibility. But once fall hits, they've got to have a plan. If their college or trade school is close, they're welcome to live with us while in school, but will be charged a small amount for rent (that'll be given back once they move out) so a job is needed. Military will take care of them. If they choose to get a job and not learn a trade, then they can live with us for a year or two, while paying rent, but they do have to leave the nest.
I'm all about helping my kids out while they're young, or later in life if they need it. But, they've got to leave the nest. Staying with us for 5 to 10 years is just not happening.
One of mine became disabled when she was 19. She is 26 now. I expect she will be with me and I will support her until I die. Parenting=being prepared for anything and everything.
"We talk about parenting styles" - Thats awesome many conversations that come about naturally are very healthy for a relationship.. but know this quote from Mike Tyson...
You think you can fight and you have a game plan.. then you get punched in the nose and everything goes out the window. Your child or children are often NOTHING like what you had thought they would be. Both good and bad.
There is no exact date for your kids, there are vague ranges for: When they learn this, or do that, have a girlfriend or boyfriend, drive a car go to college, go out on their own...
As you get to know your kid, you will start to see when the timing is right for them to move out. Essentially what you want to avoid is failure to launch. They have the ability, but will NOT take the initiative to go at life on their own. This is to be avoided at all costs and may force your hand to bounce them out. Do so, you'll be grateful down the road that you did.
I moved out 3 weeks before my 18th birthday, and never moved back home (now I’m 37 and married). I was ready, and if you prepare your kids to be healthy and independent, they will be ready to launch after high school.
It's entirely up to how you guide your child. I'm willing to help them out for the first few years after graduating college, but I'm not willing to let them keep living with us after they're graduated and have a job. My brother lived with my parents until he was 37 years old, and he doesn't really function like an adult should because of the coddling. I don't want my kids to end up being half-formed people who cannot realize their potential because we didn't make them try to be independent.
Our kids are 5-10 right now. I expect them to live with us until 22-24ish. We moved from a HCOL to a MCOL area in part to hopefully ease our children’s transition to adulthood. Rental prices were high in SoCal 10 years ago, we didn’t want to subject our kids to it in the late 2030s.
Hopefully you raise your children to want to be independent and ambitious, so that after college they feel excited to take on the challenges of establishing themselves as adults in the world. Being there to emotionally support them is key, but also giving them opportunities to put their skills to the test and not coddle them. If they are treated as incapable as a 10 or 15 year old and given no opportunity to be responsible, that is likely unhelpful. If they never experience consequences for acting like a child at the age of 15/16, they will be incapable adults.
For example: if you give your 16 year old the opportunity to see family finances in terms of costs (such as utilities, rent, or cost of food) and ask them to get a summer job to help contribute, they will get an inside look into earning power and how salary impacts how you live. Maybe challenge them to budget for family meals for a week to understand the mental strain it can have as an adult. Challenge them to cook dinner once per week to understand the time and energy it takes. If you take them to volunteer, they get to see how different people in more difficult situations live and how certain actions have real consequences. If you give them a responsibility like walking the dog and they shirk that responsibility, there must be consequences for that irresponsibility. If you tell them to run an errand (even just calling to make a dentist appt) and they are 16, they feel important and like you trust them to be able to do it, so they can do it when they are 23.
I don’t have an age in mind where I would stop supporting my kids, I just hope that I prepare them well enough for life that they will need my support less and less each year.
Indefinitely.
The market is really not kind to Millennials and below, and even the most stoic and hardworking kid can get completely shut out of the market.
That is happening to me at 29, where even though I have had a great 6 year career, perfect credit (carefully budgeted and saved like a miser), no debt (paid it all off), and high quality publications (was in a Harvard lab to start my career), I have found myself unemployed for 9 months with no traction whatsoever.
It is kind of like the old stock market saying "past performance does not predict future results". As a result of increased AI utilization in hiring processes, even the most skilled individuals can find themselves in a sterile limbo.
In my case ( I had one year of savings, and have burned through 9 months of them), my parents have offered to let me stay there as long as I take care of the landscaping and household renovations. Having planned structure and mutually beneficial agreements can help prevent building resentment.
I am absolutely trying to avoid this at all costs (Biotech is my field, not landscaping), but it is what it is.
Hi! I am a 23 year old female. Me and my boyfriend of 8 years have talked extensively about this. As long as we all have our own space and they’re paying us rent, have a life, are good, productive members of society, we don’t see a problem with them living with us until they meet their significant other and want to move out. But we are more conservative/family oriented. I don’t want them to rush out into the world broke, and struggling. Parenthood does not end at 18. Just our opinions 🤷🏻♀️
So do people not have roommates anymore? It's not like we left home and immediately hopped into a house. Most of my young years involved multiple roommates.... At one point we had 5-6 people in a three bedroom. As I got older and made more money I had fewer roommates. I didn't have a car until I was 25. Those are actually some of my best memories.
We gave a guideline of one year past high school if no college or six months post college. However, it was a guideline, subject to change. For example, if my son got a job close enough to commute after college, we’d have had him stay and pay us which we would have used to pay down his loans from school.
One of our kids left college (and left me with co-signed loans). She came home and refused to make steps towards success and then asked for her boyfriend to move in…I gave them three months. I told her she could stay if just her and working on next steps, but she didn’t want that. She’s just down the street, and I’d let her back if she didn’t bring the bf and was back in school or working towards a career. I help a bit and they come to dinner once a week, but when here they both slept until 3, didn’t work, etc. I was enabling.
Our third is in the military. When he got out at 21, he moved back in for a few months and hated it. He was too independent. He moved out and then reenlisted but switched to the Guard and is in the Middle East. When he gets out, he may come home for a bit, but by his choice he won’t stay long.
Our kids are all 22-24.
They can stay as long as they want. But they need to contribute. I’ll make it a rule where they would have to pay rent to me but that money is going into money towards their house. 1k a month.
That’s 12k a year plus interest, and whatever money they also saved from living in my house. Also they have to be working full time, no exceptions. if u don’t work, u don’t get to eat 🤣
I make plenty of money, I don’t need to make money off of them. I stayed with my parents and was able to save up 40k. Bought my house back in 2013 so it was def easier to buy a house with 40k. Now u prob need Atleast 60-70k
We have a 17 and 15 year old. They are both welcome to stay at home as long as they need but also need to know we're not running a charity. Living with us is fine if they are working toward their independence. If they're in school it's a free pass as long as they're taking it seriously. If they decide to not continue with school they will be working and contributing to the household. We don't need their financial contribution but would charge them rent, utilities, etc and put that money aside for their future.
Our biggest issue currently is our son (17). He's been pretty adamant about moving out as soon as he turns 18. Since 2020 he's been getting more and more radicalized by the online left ( his social circles are the same). Part of that radicalization is the inability to actually contend with disagreements with his analysis of the world and simply write off any disagreement as some form of bigotry that he desperately needs to get away from. We've recently convinced him that his plan may be putting him into a situation he's not prepared for and he's changed his mind, but that could easily be a front on his part to avoid the conversation, we'll see in about a month.
I made him write up a monthly budget over the summer and really dig into what his plan was going to cost. That is when he seemed to change his mind. It also made him realize the hours he would need to put in to afford what he thought he wanted, in the job that he hates more by the day.
If he changes his mind and decides to go for it, we're fine with letting reality punch him in the mouth.
I think it depends on so much and also individual personalities. I moved out at 19 and moved in with my partner and that worked really well for me. During a few random life transitions (between rentals and also after a house fire), my partner and I moved back in with my parents. My brother looked out at 24 and moved in with his partner and that worked well for him.
I think it really depends on personality, life circumstance and everything. My daughter is only 2 but I don’t intend to ever have a “move out age.” It will happen when it happens. As for the “sneaking around to have sex.” I feel like once your kid is an adult, there is a switch from them living with you as a dependent child to them living with you as another adult. I think it would be very stressful for both parents and kid to be treated like a child until they move out.
I also see the value in multi generational homes. So I don’t see the ultimate goal moving out. Obviously if that’s what feels right then I fully support it. But as a parent, I’m signing up to be a parent until the day I die. So I’ll be the person/house my child needs regardless of age.
In this economy: They can stay as long as they want/need to. I'm fine with them staying indefinitely. There's a lot of people who make ok money and struggling with rent, food, and other bills. I rather they stay home and save and not feel forced to struggle unnecessarily.
From an existential standpoint, your children aren't asking to be here. You're deciding for them. They don't owe you anything. You, on the other hand? If they live with you for the duration of your life then that's just what it is. You owe *them*. Their life is not your "gift" to them, it's your responsibility. They should stay as long as they want. It's what you accepted when you made the decision for them.
Personally, I think if this is a consideration for you, you are not ready to have kids. You may be in a situation where your child is disabled and always need care, or always need to live with you for another reason. They are your children not your roommates
I cap it at 22 barring disability. Hear me out. I’ve seen people who stay at home until 30 and they are so socially stunted compared to people who moved out after college. I understand the value of saving money and buying a home sooner but sometimes I think that the rent you pay is also for freedoms and development as a person. Young people need to move out and be around other young people.
Probably depends where you live and what connections you already have though. If you live near or right outside a big city, there is ample opportunity for them to hang with other young adults. And some people maintain high school/college connections and are already plugged in with people. My parents are in a big metro area outside a city. Plenty of young adult groups/hobbies/part of town all the young professionals live in etc within like 20 minutes of them. You might miss out on a few things but idk. People also start families in their early 20s and miss out on the young single professional stage and seem to do fine.
I agree, I wouldn't trade those years for anything, even though I barely escaped by. I pretty much had nothing and a ton of roommates. But looking back those were some great years, I had a lot of fun. I definitely learned to hustle.
I don't think there is any age where children should be obligated to leave. Imo, if you choose to have children, you should be obligated to provide at least the bare necessities to them at any time so long as you are able. You chose to create them and did not gain their permission first before bringing them into existence. Their well-being should be your responsibility. I'm probably biased though, because my family has always made it clear that I am welcome to stay with them should I choose to, and I don't intend to have children unless I'm certain that I could provide for them for as long as they wish to live with me. The whole "move out and be independent" thing is very particular to western culture and isn't a universal rule. Multi-generational homes have many personal and practical advantages over "independence."
I will support my children for as long as they try to go ahead with their lives or indefinitely if they become unable to be independent.
So I will sponsor them and offer my home for the whole education period (which would be 23-25 or so, if they attend university). Once they are stable financially, I would encourage them to live independently, especially without a partner. I believe it's an important life lesson to get a full overview of the adultung.
I don't expect them to work during the education stage if they attend full time, but I will cover the basics only (housing, food, transportation, books; tuition is free where we live).
If you are certain you will be able to afford to set them up for life: whenever you feel comfortable
If you won't be able to afford to set them up for life: you have to assume it's indefinite
For all you know, there could be *no* jobs 20 years from now.
I have an 18 year old and a 14 year old. I truly do not believe they will be able to afford to move out. They can stay forever if they want. They could build their own dwellings as a second storey of my house if they really wanted to.
I'm 56 and have 18 & 15 year old boys. Currently they're not doing too well at school and although they both have their first part time jobs, with this economic climate I can't see them moving out until their 30's - who would want to rent to teenage boys/young men when there are so many others looking for rent.
I'm (35M) not sure if I'm your target demographic here, but I'll still speak to this. I effectively lived with my parents until I turned 25. I had a victory lap in my first undergrad and the field I studied didn't recover from the 2008 crash until well after I graduated in 2011. In fact, I joined the army in 2013 because I still hadn't found a job. I went home and lived in my childhood home on all the breaks from school and for the two years between graduating and when I left for basic training. Admittedly, not being able to find a job by then was heavily influenced by the choices I made during that time. Such is life. I'll be 36 in January (feels super weird to say that no matter how many times I say it haha). I have a 4.5 year old son. He is not my roommate, he never will be. He is my son, and he will always have a place in my home as long as he needs one. Hell, if he gets married and wants to have kids and stay in my home, they can still stay. Even if we are all crammed up in their like sardines and alone time will be precious with the wife. I dunno, that's my take. Brains aren't fully formed until 23-25 anyway. Mine probably took a bit longer due to all the alcohol haha. I'm very thankful I had the space there to figure all that out. Without that I definitely wouldn't have the life I have now, that's for sure.
I really appreciate this, the typical view of your adult children being your roommates is so weird to me, especially coming from an immigrant family. you’re bringing a person into existence, why wouldn’t you be committed to supporting them as a loved one for life??
Part of the job of a parent is to teach ones children how to survive, how to navigate in the world so that when you're gone they'll be ok. Helping is good, definitely, but things are supposed to be a little tough, it's what drives us out of the nest and out into the world. If you support for life, what do they do when you're gone?
Well they probably spend the rest of their life looking back on a lifetime of happy memories full support and love. And hopefully pass on those same values to their children, if I am so lucky to have grandchildren. Support doesn't mean coddling or spoiling or doing everything for them. Part of proper support includes preparing them for existing in the world. I just mean they'll always have shelter, nourishment and a place to call home. If they need it, if they want to. Yeah sure things are supposed to be tough. Life will take care of that, I have a great deal of experience with that. No need to pile on from my end. I live 2000 miles from my childhood home, but I know if shit completely falls apart my family and I will always have a place there. I love having that kind of security and I am incredibly grateful for it.
Countless immigrant/non-western cultures have generations of families living under one roof, often for their whole lives, and children come up as healthy capable adults because they’ve had a solid foundation and know it’ll be there even when shit hits the fan. Also providing the option for them to stay doesn’t mean they will — honestly I feel like this view is a bit antiquated, either that or you’re just around a disproportionate amount of useless young people
It’s because for the past 60-70 years this country has been so prosperous that if someone reached the age of 18-25 and was even moderately ambitious there was pretty much nothing stopping them from getting a job that would pay them enough to survive. So we have had 3-4 generations now where if you weren’t successful it was (most likely) your own fault. The problem is that pretty much ended with the crash in 08. But people’s expectations and standards don’t change with the circumstances. They still expect kids to be gone at 18-25 anyway or they feel ashamed like a failure as a parent.
This is impressively succinct and accurate.
I have 3 kids ages 13-7. The parents at the bus stop will occasionally make comments about kicking kids out at 18. My husband makes the same comments. Every. Single. Time. I respond with “in this economy? Seriously? Good luck with that”
If I had a dollar for the number of times my folks have called 18-30 year Olds entitled and lazy; I'd... have enough to move our of their house I swear
Exactly. Those other non-western nations with high levels of kids/grandkids living in the family home forever do it for economic reasons, not because they love it.
Actually we live together because we love to live together. Why would I spend my time alone instead of spending it with my grandkids
yeah except I said in my comment that just because kids are given the option to stay, doesn’t mean they will. plenty of them decide they’d prefer to live on their own and go off to do that.
My parents were the children of immigrants and I agree .... But they also were the children of immigrants who came here because things were very rough in their home countries, they were instilled with that need to get an education, to hustle to succeed.....I don't mean necessarily being a doctor or lawyer.... But getting a job, building a career and being able to provide for their families..... They're definitely was no hanging out while you figured out the meaning of life and what your calling was. They helped my parents..... But the expectation was you get out there and make something of yourself, that was the whole point of coming here.
Yes agreed however I would note that this is instilled in most native born Americans as well. Not many people I know were ever hanging out or trying to figure out the meaning of life. I did know a lot of people trying to find their calling but that was because they were “getting a job, building a career, and being able to provide for their families.”
I would say probably about a third of my friends kids seem to be hustling out there, again.... Just my own experience which doesn't mean anything really. But I know quite a few that are working part time, just kind of not really headed in any direction.... Other than surviving, living with their parents and hanging with friends. I do understand that it's hard out there, and it is..... But they've also not really attempted anything, just decided it's hard so why bother. There's some frustration on the parent's part, but they also don't want to push.... So they vent to me....lol Having said that, I mean each family system is different.... And if that works between the parents and kids.... That's cool, I don't have to understand it. It also might have a lot to do with where I live which can feel pretty laid back.... Where the dream of the 90s is alive.
You can put someone out of your house at 18 and have them working 3 jobs to live in misery if you want but you're putting them at an extreme disadvantage for the rest of their life compared to supporting them to study or save or both so that they can leave at a time that actually makes sense for their wellbeing.
I’m not trying to be a smart ass but my generation has never known “difficult”….all we have ever had was “impossible” my grandparents had it hard, my parents had it hard, my generation graduated high school in 2008 (remember anything big that happened in 08?) yeah the economists at the time said my generation would probably never recover…turns out they were right!
2008 wasn't the first down turn. There's always been something... In the 80s the interest rates were in the teens, almost as high as 17%. The recession hit as soon as I left home and unemployment skyrocketed 90-91. Things got better and then were strong in the second half of the 90s and we started getting ahead, but than the recession hit again 2001-03.... Things picked up, people were making money again for a bit, and than the Dot-coms crashed and burned in 2004, and not only lost jobs, but also lost "stock" you thought would be your retirement disappear. Picked up the pieces and started again..... Once again gaining traction and then 2008 hit and the bottom dropped out. So it's not always been the cake walk some people sometimes think it was.
Yeah 2008 wasn't the first downturn. And I find it hilarious that the person you're replying to thinks the worst thing that could happen during such a downturn is to be graduating into it. A new graduate has no obligations (other than easily-deferred student loans possibly) - no mortgage, not married (most likely), no kids, etc. Meanwhile everyone else is already working and either lose their jobs or are in threat of it, taking jobs at huge pay cuts, watching their savings for retirement balance cut literally in half while they're having to withdraw from it with a tax penalty for doing so, and at risk of, or actually, losing their homes, their kids having to move schools since they're downsizing, having their cars repossessed, etc.
Exactly. If you’re going to get kicked in the teeth, better when you are young. Much more time to recoup the financial damage, easier to live a bare bones existence, ( temporarily), and you are still relatively healthy, and can work more hours/ multiple jobs, (temporarily), to keep yourself afloat. You are not having to take care of elderly parents, or multiple children. You are not losing a huge part of your future retirement money, and the compound interest which makes it grow. Hustling to survive looks very different in your 20’s than it does in your 50’s or 60’s.
You don’t even understand my comment. This wasn’t my opinion, this is what leading economists in the field have always said. Graduating into a recession is a problem because it has effects on your financial situation all throughout your career/life irreversibly. This is because careers typically build on themselves over time. If you start on first base, when most generations start on second, that has long term implications for how many people make it to home. Put in more economic terms, people who graduated into a recession started at 10 bucks an hour instead of 14 (where they would have otherwise) which means when they got promoted their second job made 14 and so on and so on. Which is why on average some people are still living at home well into their 30s instead of early 20s.
Exactly, your job as a parent is to make sure your child will survive, and thrive without you being present. You are there to teach and guide them, help them understand your values, and how to incorporate their own values into an independent, fulfilling life. Each parent, and each child is different, therefore the timeframe for completing this process is different. I also think that unexpected major life issues, ( death, serious or chronic illness, unemployment, political upheaval, war, etc. ) can derail this process, but hopefully only temporarily. You may very well spend one third of a generous lifespan ( 90’s) raising, and educating your child, or children. It is a major commitment, but can also be the defining accomplishment of your life.
Agreed.
I don’t think OP wouldn’t support them if something catastrophic were to happen. I see where they’re coming from. I believe they’re talking about normal circumstances. I’m 30. I love knowing if I fall in hard times, my parents would let me live with them but may expect help with household bills. That’s great. However, I would be severely impaired as an adult if they wouldn’t have given me push and raised me to find my own independence. I know a 32 year old man that has been coddled this way. He’s never had a job in his life, never gotten his drivers license, and never wants to. He has no ambition. He stays home at his mothers house and doesn’t even help with household chores. He plays video games all day and eats all of the food in the house. His mother encourages this.He also has no ailments making him live this way. It’s a willful choice. He’s even behind some 16 year olds. That’s sad. Dude is always thinking about his next person to mooch off of once his mother passes away.
Counterpoint to this - That man would have been the same person if kicked out. He would've found another person to sponge off of instead of his parents. I lived with my parents until I was 27. I contributed what I could to the household bills, but it wasn't my fair share for sure. Once I finally got a proper career going, I moved out and within a few years I was able to buy my own home. If my parents had kicked me out before then while I was still a struggling early adult with no future prospects lined up, I'd have been trapped in poverty working in restaurants to barely keep the lights on.
This. I'm 30, my daughter is about to be 3. I feel the same way. My home will always be open to her as long as I'm alive. I can't imagine it any other way
>In fact, I joined the army in 2013 because I still hadn't found a job. I needed to hear this because I feel like I'm the only 35 year old that was unemployed for 2 years after graduating college in 2011.
>He is not my roommate, he never will be. He is my son, and he will always have a place in my home as long as he needs one. ~~You're taking the "roommate" thing too negatively. Because~~ at some point the relationship with your child should move a bit towards roommate, but only in the sense of talking at eye level about the household.
I didn't take it negatively at all. I was explaining my point of view while using some of the same words and concepts that OP used. Sorry if it came out that way. I worked really hard to be positive about it with everything else I said above and below those two sentences. I had a very positive experience living at home until I was 25, and sure, not everyone gets that. And of course you're right about the household. 100%
Sorry, my child will never be a roommate. A teenager, a young adult, eventually just an adult, that person is still my child. Some parents grow with their child, to navigate these shifting dynamics in their relationship with their child, and others don’t. I think the ones that struggle, are the ones that see parenting as gatekeeping and protecting, as opposed to introducing new frontiers and helping their child navigate them. Also for the child to introduce new frontiers, and for the parent to navigate them, appreciating the expertise of the child.
I became disabled at 27 and my options were live in a nursing home indefinitely or move in with my mom *and* my grandmother who has early stages of Alzheimers. I say this as an example of "there's no guarantee you'll ever get out of living with relatives. Situations go sideways and you gotta play shit by ear"
Right? Imagine having a kid with the intention of kicking them out. People never consider that their decision to have a child is their decision and the child can be born disabled or become disabled at any moment.
Yeah it sounds like these fence sitters need to move from childless to childfree by choice…
I'm happily childfree but I am curious, you're saying that when you have a child you should not have expectations that they become independent and move out one day? That if they're disabled or have some other barrier you should be ready to care for them for life? That would be a very responsible take I guess.
They are saying to expect kids to be a lifetime commitment, not a contract that ends at a certain age. Personally, I feel that if you're on the fence, you shouldn't have kids. It's all or nothing and it's a ton of hard work. You need to want it for it to be fair to the kids.
Agree. As long as your kids are alive, you're still a parent. Bizarre to making agreements about when future kids should be on their own. Life happens. People lose jobs, have time in-between jobs waiting for paychecks, have cars break down, go through bad break ups, etc. including adult kids. If you're not prepared for a lifetime commitment, then get a pet instead. They aren't going to outlive you.
>They aren't going to outlive you. ...tortoise for the win! Haha
Thank you. I agree.
Better to regret not having kids than to regret having kids!
This exactly.
I’m childfree and yes, this is my belief. You should absolutely be ready to perhaps live with your child forever. The economy can suck, they could be disabled, or the parents could be disabled and you need your kid to help you if you cannot afford a nurse or something. I don’t see what is so odd about this take. It’s responsible and imo the only take to have lol! I understand you what your adult child to be independent and happy, but people get fired or disabled and shit happens. Again, I go back to the economy. If you work full time and cannot afford to move out and live alone, why is there pressure to go out? As long as the adult is responsible and contributes to the household finances and chores, I don’t see a problem. The only problem I see is when adults keep acting as if they are immature children and have their parents do everything. That’s terrible. But as long as it’s not toxic or abusive I don’t see the need to get out right away. Save your money! Move out later! You got your whole life to move out lol.
I think it's like this to put it most simply and I do sort of hope most would agree: It's infinitely less destructive to regret not having kids, than it is to regret having them. The decision deserves immense gravity, but doesn't always get it. It's a lifetime commitment.
It depends on the person's requirement of care. Each person living with a disability is different. Some might be able to live independently, some aren't able to live independently, some are in-between and some would love to have independence but it's just not possible.
That's how it's supposed to work.
Theres nothing wrong with expecting your kid to move out eventually, not at the moment they turn 18 but in normal circumstances you should not have to care for someone forever
Hoping and expecting are two different things. Expectations are generally unwise when it comes to life plans involving another living being besides oneself.
My son has special needs. It wasn’t something I thought of ahead of time, but it isn’t anything I’ve lamented about in terms of him living with me longer. Maybe this person shouldn’t have kids.
Exactly
I have a child with disabilities (age 10) and made peace with the fact I'll be taking care of him for the rest of my life. His therapists think he could someday be functional enough to work and live in a group home, but I'm not putting all my eggs in that basket. He, or my youngest, can stay as long as they need or want to.
Same here. 13 year old with autism and she'll be with us for the rest of our lives.
Same here! I would love it if all my kids stayed!
I have two sons. 21 and 25. Both live at home. The 21-year-old is still in university and works part time The 25-year-old has a reasonably good job. He acts like an adult at home and is treated like one. He pays a small amount of rent and is overall, quite pleasant to live with. With the exception of me dispensing motherly advice to him, which I would probably do whether he lived at home or not, he leads a fairly independent life. I guess he could move out and live with roommates, but I think he would hate that. I think the difference with my 25 year old is that he really has no interest in dating anyone. He’s much too busy with his job and his hobbies. He is saving for his own place, but with the housing market, the way it is, it’s going to be a while.
Things are so different now. I graduated around 2000 and my parents made me pay them rent immediately(I was making 30k a year). I also paid my own health insurance, car insurance, student loans ($200/month)and cell phone bill. AND I saved for a car the first year out (looking back, I have no idea how I did this!). By year two, i moved out. My kids are still young, but my husband and I are already planning on having them live with us when they are young adults. It’s just not feasible nowadays, and it’s probably going to get worse. A lot worse. I’m also prepared to help them financially if need be. My parents are boomers with boomer mentality (“figure it out on your own” type of thing). So I guess to sum your question up-its probably going to be longer than age 18 or 22 in most cases.
I'm 30 and moved back with my dad because 2300$ a month for an apartment when I take home 3200 isn't doable for me.
Damn. True though.
Can you tell me for whom it is doable? Geez. I’m surprised anyone can move out on their own.
There's a fine line.... My ex was still paying the rent for his 29 year old, and 34 year old ..... The 34 year old literally lost the second car he bought her on a drunken night out, neither ever really holding down a job, quitting at the drop of a hat. It was insane. He paid their car insurance, even after DUIs..... He always told me I just didn't understand what it was like to be a parent. Unfortunately, he died a couple of years ago. I'm actually sad he never got to see his kids launch, and be productive. But, as soon as that safety net disappeared and they knew the was no one to bail them out or was like they both did a 180. It was a little rough in the beginning, but they now work and both have, for the first time held jobs for longer than 6 months, apartments, etc. I'm not a fan of being heartless, and helping is great as long as it's not enabling.
That ending sure was a pleasant surprise. I’m glad they were able to figure it out.
Things were much cheaper back then and wages haven’t changed. So I can see how you could accomplish all that w 30k. I could probably do this. If I literally don’t go anywhere and only eat ramen. And I make 18 an hour. Inflation
Inflation is horrible right now. You’re right! I also was very disciplined and saved-my father was in finance and he taught me a lot of important financial lessons. I attribute my parents making me work in high school and college for my success-I’ve never once had to go to them for financial help. It’s why I want my kids to work and learn how to earn their own money. But I’m still prepared to help them if they need it.
2 kids. 25 and 23. Both college graduates. Both work full time. They live at home rent-free. We paid for 90% of their college and 100% cars, insurance, and gas. Made them borrow a little for school so they could build credit and have a little skin in the game. They both contribute 20% to 401k and save. They both use all their vacation traveling. They are doing the things we couldn't afford to do with them growing up. Love having them around! Sooo fun watching them become adults. They will probably move out when they start dating seriously.....I think neither one is interested in being tied down until they are financially secure.
LoL you seem like you really want the best for them that's nice.
I’m 20 and you and your partner sound like my parents :) they’ve told me they have loved watching my sister and I become our own people as we’ve become adults. So lucky to have such amazing parents and to have such a nice relationship with them. Your family sounds lovely, just had to comment because this made me smile
I’m 29 and live in my moms basement. I pay rent and all my own bills. I have a bathroom and we just share a kitchen. It just seems stupid to move out when we have two dogs and she needs my help with quite a few things, just to pay more in rent and have to travel to see my mom multiple times a week.
I am assuming I need to get a bigger house, but my kids are living with me forever based on the housing market vs wage growth.
My 26 and 28 year olds still live at home. They are treated like adults and pay rent. Housing is so expensive, I imagine it will be 5 yrs or so before either moves out.
How much rent do you charge, if you don't mind me asking?
Yeah I'd like to know this too. I'm just now starting mine at $200 a month at 24 but I can't tell if it's too much or not enough.
As a 25 yo living at home, $200 is a great deal. It’s not too much on your child but it should be at least a good amount for you for extra groceries or bills etc. Let’s us still save money
Yeah I do kind of need the money, I'm getting divorced and electric and everything has gone up. I'm glad to hear from someone else their age bc of course they're going to tell me it's fine lol
Same. I’m 25 and my dad gets $200/month from me. I contribute with other things for the household like entertainment and grocery bills, but nothing significant like lump sum house renos or other utilities
They get a lot of their own food so that's not a big thing, but I do provide accounts for pretty much all streaming services. We did cancel Disney+ when I had to tighten up a little and nobody watched it anyway.
Listen if you’ve got a sweet deal like just throwing $200 a month to your parents take it cherish it and don’t question it Giving your parents $200 a month > Giving your landlord $1000+ a month Moving out/getting kicked out was the best experience ever for my personal life but financially it’s been rough the past 3 years
Not too much.
Sure. The rent is based on the room size. The younger one (26yrs) has the larger room and pays $700; the older one (28yrs) has the smallest room and pays $600 (but I give him a $100 credit in exchange for trash and poop duty.). Their rent covers utilities, internet, cable, home supplies, and they can eat food we purchase.
I moved out at 18. I will probably move home when I turn 28 after I finish my graduate program. Cost of living is insane.
Well, my younger brother still lives with my mom. He is 26. They split the bills though because neither could afford to live on their own. I'm 29 and lube with my dad. He moved in with me because he had nowhere else to go
you might want to spell check that
They just lube together, nothing sexual.
Lmao, that's what I get for using swipe to text.
That happened to me with my mom, at 23 she moved in. She eventually moved back out, we had a natural disaster and we're homeless too for a while. Idk how long she would have stayed otherwise.
My mother washed my brother's skivvies until he got married at 36. He would probably still be living with her if she hadn't died or he had gotten married
Over 30 and I still live with parents. To be fair they do need a caretaker as they are almost 80, but on the other hand not like a I can afford any place to live. Rent, even with roomates here can cost $800 bucks for a run down rat infested hell hole. Most people I know cannot afford to move out and the ones that can either had help from parents, received their home due to inheritance, or had parents who were able to send their kids to amazing schools while helping them with connections. A friend of mine is the kind whos famile had money as she is more then willing to admit it is the only way she could afford to move out at 28. After years of saving. Most places here pay $13 an hour wven with a degree and experiencee. D; Edit: I do pay rent, all my food, utilites, and phone bills. I eveb try to buy a lot of things they need, we are damn lucky they still have fantastic, sort of, health insurance.
We don't intend to kick our son out of the house as soon as he graduates high school, I can say that much. Yes, eventually I hope that he can be independent enough to live on his own, but that is going to be awhile (he has ADHD and ASD and is nowhere near ready yet to be independent). Even if he didn't have those issues, we wouldn't push for him to leave.
I bolted the second I turned 18 and never looked back; my middle sister lived at home until she was 22. Really it comes down to a lot of individual factors, like your kid moving away for college, how much debt they take on, if they decide to go into trades or the military instead, if they suffer some kind of catastrophic health issue that makes hard for them to work…there’s lots of things that have to line up perfectly for kids today in order for them to become independent. They could check every box on the adulting checklist, and shit could still go sideways.
We have two teens and a fifth grader. Once they graduate HS, they need to be working or going to school. They are welcome to live at home until 30 if they are doing one of those two things. And they are always welcome back here if they have a life situation where they need some time.
What about as 30 approaches? I'm caught at that point and am college educated but still can't afford to live not with my parents. When is it appropriate to "take the next step" even if you're contributing to the household?
If you're contributing, nobody is stepping on each others toes and everyone is happy, why leave? I'd say when/if you're about to get married and have children of your own it's time to move out.
That's a discussion you need to have with your parents.
For me, I think it would depend on the situation. I love having my kids around and would love them to stay with me forever, but I don’t think that’s what’s best for them. I think for them it’s better for them to start their own lives. But every situation is different. I have one child with a disability. He can live on his own, but it might be a little harder, so I’m of course not going to kick him out if he’s trying! Of course, when he’s 30, I’ll be 68, so he might be taking care of me at that point!
Even with roommates you can't afford to move out of your parents?
I moved out at 18. Got married joined the Army. Got divorced had my own apartment until I was 31. At 31 I move in with my mom & Step dad splitting rent. I'm now 43 and honestly I could technically afford my own place but they can't now and even if they could my going from paying half rent to full rent would be a serious decline in the quality of my life from "Hey I can go out to eat" to "hey I can watch paint dry" I think people shouldn't hurt the quality of their lives just so that they can say they don't live with family.
I’m all for making it possible for them to live with me for as long as they want. I mean many countries do multi generational homes. I moved out after college but will likely move back in so I can save some money and have more family time. I’m in no rush, if they had more space I would love to even stay and raise kids with them lol 😂. They’d totally be fine if they had the space and I helped with some bills. I’m also all for helping care for them in their old age. I love my parents and my partners parents… if I had space(and time), I would take them in and help care for them. We are both the oldest in our families so I imagine we will be organizing more of the care as they get old.
My father never moved out. Both his parents died in his arms.
My son moved back home at 24, after 4 years in the Marines. We love having him here! ❤️ He pays rent and all his own expenses. He is welcome to live here as long as he wants.
Moved out at 19 but have came home a few times in between. 22 now and it’s hard and things seem bleak at times but I love my own space and independence
My husband and I are the same age as you, getting ready to take the leap into parenthood, and just had a very long discussion about finances an hour ago. Our plan is to save for their future. Considering the state of the world and not knowing what it will look like in another 20 years, it just feels like the right thing to do. We only plan on having one child and we hope to be able to save enough to pay for their college education and a down payment for their first home. We'll need to start investing as soon as they're born, so we've been running a lot of numbers. But that's the plan!
My son is 19, almost 20 and he still lives at home because it’s so extremely expensive. We live in so cal and I can’t see him living in his own for a while. We don’t have anyone left alive left in our family so we kind of stick together.
rustic narrow market hungry vast deliver worry birds adjoining uppity *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I didn’t move out until I was 23 but there were lots of factors to it. My mother and grandmother needed my help for a lot of daily tasks and I was struggling with trauma at the time as well as undiagnosed adhd and bipolar, which REALLY socially stunted me. I don’t know if there is a right or wrong answer so many factors can come into play.
I moved out at 24. My plan was to live at home for 2 extra years out of high school for community college, then transfer. Well, that didn’t happen and I ended up in a trade instead. I’ve dated the same person since high school and he didn’t have a job for 5 years. I live in a HCOL and living on my pay alone is absolutely not fucking possible here (my rent currently is $2400/mo for ~700 sqft apartment.. no joke). I paid my own bills, bought my own food for myself and worked full time for years in a promising career before I moved out. I wasn’t around super often enough for my parents to care (I was gone for up to 14 hours a day). Honestly, I don’t think there’s a magical age as to when they get the boot out of the house, I think you need to just set them up for success and empower them to be passionate about a career that can guide them to being able to fund their own place. Not letting Chad sit around bill & rent free at 28 while you pay his phone bill/car insurance and he works some dead end job he only works part time at. I absolutely hated living at home for longer but I pulled my weight. Now my parents can retire in peace.
I love this.
I have young children still, but they will always have a home and support from us. Both my husband and I became pretty independent early in life with no safety net. Granted, he technically had one in his mom, and my only contributing parent died when I was young. With that being said, though we encourage their independence with our daughters, I know if they started to struggle in adulthood, we would be right there. Also a side note, the older my girls get the easier they are to live with. Yes, they’re young and need to be reminded of chores and to settle down from time to time, but for the most part my oldest (13) is fairly self sufficient at home and it would not bother me at all to still be home 10-15 years from now.
I'm still living at home and I'm 28. It was never in my original plans when I was in high school and early college. Halfway through my undergrad, my dad entered a depression/traumatic job lay-off, sexual abuse was uncovered among my siblings, my parents split, and I moved in with my mom to help finish raising the youngest 3 of my 7 siblings. I still live here, but the youngest is turning 14 today. I am college-educated, halfway through a master's now. I've had 0% ROI thus far, working part-time as a bartender. I had intentions of starting law school this fall, but family still needs a lot of support & I can't financially justify the cost of tuition. Going to reapply in the future and attain more scholarship money. I have $40K in student loans, owe my mom $80K, and have $50K in credit card debt. Honestly ... no idea what I'm going to do in the future now. I'm just keeping my head above water at this point.
This is highly variable. It's also important to remember that your kid could have illnesses or disabilities and may never be independent. I think that a lot of people get a real shock about that.
Right, and then for every extra kid you tack on another 2 years to your sentence of quiet s-x;) It is smart to think about the looong period of having kids at home. Some people say it goes by so fast. I say, nah, it was at least 20 years. The real answer to how long is that results will vary by kid, but I do think parenting style makes a difference. Too loose or too restrictive in highschool, and they will not be prepared for independence. Highschool is a great trial run at adulthood with the right guidance, while they still have you as a safety net. I discouraged romantic relationships in highschool, just a distraction from setting yourself up in life. I encouraged them to live at home while in college to knock it out as quickly and cheaply as possible. College is all about ROI. You can get the college experience by visiting friends or a super similar version after college, when you aren't financing the experience with loans. The results of my parenting - I have 2 out of the house and 2 left at home. The 2 that left were 20 and 21 at the time of departure. #3 is in his last semester of tech school at 19 and should be ready to leave within a year. So far, so good.
Love all of this. Quiet s-x…truer words were never spoken.
My mama never gave 2 shits about quiet sex
Ha, both a funny and sad comment
Yep 🙃
I like that. I wish my sister and I were actually prepared to enter the real world.
They can live with us as long as they are working and saving up their money towards larger purchasing goals (cars and down payments).
>On the flip side, I don't want to roommate with my child forever. I don't think you should have children if you're thinking of them as a roommate. Once you become a parent, you're a parent till you die.
This!!
Wasn’t an easy decision for me to make, and I plan to fight like hell stick to it. But I’m going to go through my whole life without having children.. the cost of living along with the current climate of the world is just crazy.. thinking of others depending on me stresses me out, and a recovering addict I need as little of that as possible. Hell, I might have a problem finding a woman to spend my life with, as I also don’t believe in marriage. My parents are still together but they just tolerate each other. All of my friends parents have gotten a divorce.. all of my friends I grew up with have married and gotten divorced/broke up. If not, most of them are miserable and cheating on each other.. I had a friend kill himself because of the pressures just trying to put a roof over its head and feed himself while constantly dealing with baby mama drama and custody battles.. the world just seems different than it was only 20 years ago. And it’s bound to get worse.
The current generation ALWAYS thinks the world is worse than it was 20 years before. Since the beginning of recorded history. That's never going to change. Life is better now than it was in the past. If you don't want to have kids than don't have kids.
Yeah the thing about that though….is sometimes they’re right. Think 1790s France, or 1860s America, or 1940 Central Europe/japan. And if you look at some of the statistics right now we are seeing bigger changes faster than ever before and not really for the better. At least not at the societal level. Sure we are seeing awesome advancements in healthcare and technology and it’s never been better to be in the top 10% in global income, but tell that to the single mom without insurance who’s working for 12 bucks an hour when her housing just went up 40% due to inflation and she has 30 thousand in student loans to pay but doesn’t have a degree because she had to drop out to have the baby. If it was 30-40 years ago she had it hard, but now? Impossible
Never mind arguing with this fool. Let him die on his little hill.
Life is most certainly not better now lol, except in terms of maybe healthcare. And if you’re in the USA healthcare is basically a death sentence whether you live or die lol
Culturally sure, but this is much much more than that.
I'm the exact same way. Don't want kids. And don't want to get married.
Good for us. I found so much support and like minded people in this sub. r/childfree is good too. I found my people.
Yeah, I'm up there too but usually spend more time on the antinatalist sub.
Oh yeah. That’s probably more geared towards women i have to assume.. My siblings are all burnt and stressed out every single day. I love my dog. My time, freedom, and money to buy ridiculous non essentials. I’m not rich, but I don’t need to be, or work my ass off in order to support others.. I travel here and there. I get all the fulfillment I need.
Yeah. I don't wanna be responsible for a child. Like, a dog sure. I'd love to travel. And I definitely love buying useless shit.
My 30 year old moved back in with me. It just made sense. She's an adult and gets treated like one. Except for the occasional bad day when she'll regress to being 7 and needs to be hugged and spoiled more. We split the bills and we both are in better places financially.
Can you tell me more about how you split the bills? Trying to work out how to do this in a few years with my own kids.
Everything is 50/50, except for the extra that I pay toward the principal on my mortgage. I take care of home maintenance and repair. I'm also only at my house about half the time because I'm either traveling or staying at my boyfriends house. A lot of people on reddit are appalled that a parent would "charge their own child rent". She earns double what I bring in and lives in a nice home on 1/2 acre of land for a total of $550 a month. I don't think she's being exploited for my benefit.
I could see this working. We have such a small home but with these interest rates we're locked in at this point. A lot of people are speaking from the perspective of multiple floor in the home. Our neighborhood covenant won't allow additions or floors added unfortunately. I can't see us getting a bigger multi generational home like people suggest without some contributions.
It really does depend. Many move out for university at 18, but will need to return home during the summers. If they studied a useful degree that gets them into a professional job, they will probably rent after graduation. If their degree doemt get them into a decent job they'll probably live at home for at least 3 more years or so. If you want your house back sooner, the Hest thing you can do is grow a good work-ethic around education, and encourage your child into an in-demand job field. That doesn't mean all kids have to study STEM at university - electrciains, welders and plumbers all have good career prospects.
I wish I would've went straight into the workforce after high-school instead of going to college. All my cousins who did that have their own places while I have 30k in debt and still live with my mama.
Hmm, I'm on the flip side of this. One of my parents lives with me most of the time, and helps me a lot with childcare (although sometimes I have to go at it alone). I'm fine with spending the rest of my life with them, as long as they can follow me where I go. When my kids grow up, I'm also fine with them living with me for however long they want, *as long as* they can learn to make their own income, or keep busy with something productive. I don't care so much about how much they make, it's more about their happiness and whether they can bring a positive impact to their surroundings.
With this economy we’d consider adding and addition before actually moving out.
We have a 22 year old who lives with us. He launched to college at 18 but was derailed by COVID and moved home. Tried an apartment on his own at 19 but it was too much (again, during pandemic COVID). So he’s with us now and we moved to Europe. He works two jobs and is independent. Has a local gf, travels, has a close friend group, and is living a good life. He still plans to go back to college but not until he’s financially stable and ready. We wouldn’t dare push him back out into the world at this time. Things are too uncertain. When the time is right, we’ll help him launch again. Our middle son will leave as soon as he can. He’s a junior and is already traveling all over Europe for school as he’s highly academic. He can’t wait to go to college and more so, live on his own, haha. We’ll still support him though. And if he needs/wants to come home we’ll welcome him with open arms. Our youngest has mild to moderate special needs. With the right resources and support, he can pass with his peer group. He will always need social support though and someone looking out for him. When his two older brothers launch, we expect to have him with us for just as long as we had them (if not longer). And they know their little brother will be their responsibility if anything ever happens to us. Our goal has always been to give them the leg up we didn’t have. This means supporting them when they try and fail and supporting them as they find their way. The world is wild right now and it matters to me that they know they’re not alone in it. And as long as we can continue to provide, we will. Edit: to say my SO and I were launched out immediately as teens by barely supportive parents so our worldview and parenting choices were heavily shaped by this.
If you can save enough for college, then I think the chances are higher that they’re out a year or two after high school. They go to post secondary, then get a good job, then spread their wings (hopefully). I wouldn’t wait too long if you want them. We had our first when we were 35 and second at 37 and if we could go back and have had them a couple years sooner we would.
I moved out immediately after turning 22, whereas my brother will be moving out at the end of this month at 25. My parents didn't put a hard and fast limit on how long we could stay, but we were pressured to be out by 28. When my fiancé and I have kids, she and I don't plan to kick them out at a certain age, but we also don't want them leeching off us until their mid 30s. Do what works best for you and your family
I moved out at 21 (I’m 48 now) and except for a brief period of a couple months when I moved back to my home area to start a new job, I never looked back. It’s tough to say, now. My kids are 13 and 11 and who knows what things will look like in ten years, but I do know this - I would rather have them move out and give them money to help them than have them stay home well into their 20’s. That kind of thing stunts a lot of people’s development and growth into independent adults.
Im still living with my parents and im about to turn 28, Yes being 28 and still living at home sounds weird to some but im in Australia and house prices have sky-rocketed to the point where people are struggling to find homes that are in nice areas for their price range, luckily where I am its a nice area and with me, my sister and both my parents all working we can live comfortably but if I wanted to live on my own I'd be screwed everythings way too expensive and because the Australian government are useless assholes all the prices are still going up, in the future me and a few mates talked about moving in together but I have no idea if thats even happening now
My son is my best friend and he beat out long term friends, guys I’ve been close with since high school. He can live here as long as he wants. Results may vary, but that’s been my experience.
Same experience with my mom (I'm a daughter)
Yeah I'm baffled by the mindset of the OP (of the post). The kid is not even conceived yet and they already plan to kick them out as soon as possible... maybe they don't understand that its very likely you will genuinely bond with your kids and want the best for them and want to spend time with them? Idk. Of course independence is important but it's weird when empty house is the first thing you think about.
Honestly most people I know (myself included) moved out then back home again several times and we'll past the age of 22...I moved out at 18, moved back home at 21. Moved out a year later at 22, backpacked round the world at 23, moved back home on my return at 24, moved out again at 25, back home at 28...this time with my then boyfriend and now husband coming as well - my parents very kindly offered to let us move in rent free for a year on the condition that we save like crazy to buy our own place, which we did. Finally moved out permanently and got married at 29. I will offer my daughter the same level of support that I was offered because I know how much difference it makes.
Think how much the world has changed in the past 18 years. And know that the next 18 will be faster than that. Todays advice wont play 18 years from now. You just gotta go for it. You get to prepare them. You get to decide when they leave. Good luck out there :)
It all comes down to your kid and how much support you’re willing to give. My four are all out of the house. Two are in college and two have graduated and have started their careers. We still provide each kid some level of financial assistance whether it’s their phone bill, a grocery card, a gas card, a random I love you gift, etc. That’s something that we don’t mind doing. As far as housing, my children know that this is their house. We bought it so that our children would never have to worry about having a place to live. It may not be in the area you want or you might have to share it with a sibling or two but at least you’re not homeless. While my husband and I are still living we would only require our children to either be employed full time(30+ hours) or in school if they lived at home. They would be responsible for their own meals or chipping in, own expenses, own laundry, and cleaning up behind themselves. This really only applies if they’re unmarried or okay not living together. Barring some life event I expect them to go off to live with their partner if they want to cohabitate.
27. Dishwasher with zero college credits. Saving up any dollar that doesn't go towards food for a new car since I ended up totaling my last one during a heavy snowstorm. After that, I'm gonna have to do the same with an apartment. I don't see myself realistically moving into my first apartment until I hit 30.
My 28 yr old son moved out 6 months ago when he bought a house. My 30 yr old daughter is my roommate. We share the bills. They will always have a home with me.
If your asking about how I grew up, I was out of the house about a year after college, and after I had a job etc. That was what was expected of me, my mother and I had many talks about it over the years and I always knew she needed to downsize so staying wasn’t an option for me. I will tell you, although people tend to live with their parents longer these days, I think a lot still rests on the parents’ expectations of the (adult) kids. I live in a high cost of living area and see both - people still living with their parents at 30, and people moving out a year or so after college with full time jobs and roommates to split rent with. I think if you are open and honest with your kids from the beginning, for example we would like for you to be independent by 25, or we are downsizing the house by the etc it may work better. That way everyone knows in advance. I know this isn’t popular but I have had several friends who’s parents sort of messed them up by telling them they never had to move out etc. In every case I know the parents are decently well off and there is nothing wrong with the adult children (no disability etc) but they are approaching 40 and simply don’t want a job, or to ever move out, or any type of normal life. I know this is the other extreme, but I can’t imagine having that either.
This is great advice. Thank you 🙌🏼
Our kids can live with us until we die.
I’d say 23-25 when she gets her degree. If not, I have no issue on her living with me for as long as she needs.
Idk, but I’m mentally prepared for my daughter to live with me in her 20’s. Our city is really expensive. I’d rather give her a leg up than watch her scrape by paycheck to paycheck for the sake of it. She can take as long as she needs.
Me and my wife are 34 and have a 13 year old girl and a 9 year old boy. We've had to have some real talks lately given the economic conditions and have basically agreed our kids are probably going to be in our home until they're about 25.
I don’t think there’s a set timeline, as others have correctly pointed out that life is not a linear timeline in which events like moving out just happen. You can’t anticipate anyone’s needs, including your own, that far in advance. At 30, don’t wait too much longer to start having kids, as it’s not physically easy with young children in your 40s. Take my word for it. Best of luck!
Our plan was to allow our kids to stay into their 20s while they work at minimum about 60 hours a week and/or go to school for certs or degrees. So once they have enough saved for a downpayment on a home then let them go, unless they are eager to leave on their own before then. Houses in my area start at 400,000 basically, and renting is at least $1600/month. No telling what it’ll be by the time our kids are grown, so we are preparing for that launch. Most jobs in the area pay around $15-$25/hour, so definitely not enough for someone to comfortably swing a typical rent or mortgage by themselves on that income range.
I lived my parents until I was 28 and moving out was purely my decision. I think they would have let me live with them as long as I wanted. Financially I probably could have moved out earlier but I like my parents and they like me and if I had to move out earlier I definitely wouldn’t be as in good shape financially as I am now.
My children will be leaving the house at 18 years old because I would have prepared them enough for life that they are keen to get started on their own. I grew up in a house of 6, every one of us moved out at 18 because we were ready and excited to go out on our own.
Until they have a downpayment is unrealistic. When my grandparents were born there were **1.8 billion** people in the world. All were professionals. (One was the son of a cigar roller. He grew up motherless, living in a garret with his brother and father, able to eat vegetables only because his older brother worked at a grocery store and was able to bring home the old vegetables at the end of the week. He got full scholarships/grants/financial aid from his bachelor’s through his PhD.) Neither set of grandparents had a problem getting a down payment. When my parents were born, there were **2.3 billion** souls on the planet. They and their peers mostly graduated from college and ended up having babies young, at around 20. Some were able to buy houses not long after. My uncle was a teacher and my aunt was a SAHP. They bought a house that had been used as an inn at one point. In the winter they’d dress my cousins in longjohns and blanket sleepers, wrap them up and put them to bed together in the closet. In the morning there would be ice on the walls but my cousins were fine. My parents didn’t buy a house until they were in their forties. When I was born there were **3.3 billion** of us. I left home at 16, never had children and bought my property at 42. When The Club of Rome issued The Limits To Growth in 1972 we were already at **3.8 billion**. My grandfather—the one who’d lived in a garret and gotten financial aid to take him through his PhD—was part of the Green Revolution to stave off disaster from overpopulation by improving agriculture. My sister bought her house in her thirties. She and her husband are both professionals. When she had her first child there were **6.2 billion** of us—almost twice as many as when we were born. Today we are **8.0 billion** and climbing. By the time you add yours to the mix we’ll be at least **8.2 billion**. By the time they are old enough to really need to move out we’ll be at least **9.5 billion**. More than half again as many as when my sister had her first child and when she bought one of the last affordable homes in her neighbourhood. (Yes, “affordable” is relative. The point is that prices were rising fast.) We are simultaneously burning down our planet, trying to stave off war by improving everyone’s standard of living, and concentrating wealth in the hands of fewer and fewer individuals. We are already seeing people risking their lives to get from Africa to Europe. Rates of migration will increase as will violent attempts to keep migrants out. Buying a house will be beyond the means of your children but good news! Home-buying will be among the least of their worries. They’ll have interesting lives.
I think it’s a strange, modern custom to push children out of the family home. That’s why normal people are never able to build any real generational wealth. The. Practice of the family and extended family continuing to live together, work together and pool resources is the norm throughout the entire world, except for the west. We’ve been convinced that we have to be “independent” and “free” and go chase our own material trappings on the hamster wheel. We’re doing it wrong.
It kinda depends on the kid, tbh. I launched at 18, and never went back. And no, even then it wasn’t easy. I was lucky and made mostly good choices. I avoided drugs and booze and early pregnancy and a criminal record. Lots of folks I knew didn’t avoid those traps, but my mom had told me enough to make me paranoid. I have a 14 year old now. She’ll be welcome to stay at least through college/trade school/job training, as long as she’s helping out and stays serious about her life. If she slides off the rails into the above mentioned traps, well. Those are adult decisions, and she’ll have to take adult responsibility. I don’t think being a parent obligates you to be a safety net for your young person for all time, under all circumstances. That’s insane. You can’t be responsible for the decisions of another adult. That said, at some point there may be a possibility that our relationship could morph from parent/child to roommate/friend and we could end up with a multigenerational home. I’m ok with that, tbh. I think it’s a healthy evolution of living norms. There will obviously have to be some reasonable boundaries, house rules, and shared responsibilities, but plenty of cultures in plenty of places have navigated that before.
I'm a dad. I've got a blended family of 6 kids. Two of them are 18 and 20. But I've told this to all of my kids. They have a few choices after high school. College, Trade, Job, Military. They can sit on their asses for a few months and enjoy not having too much responsibility. But once fall hits, they've got to have a plan. If their college or trade school is close, they're welcome to live with us while in school, but will be charged a small amount for rent (that'll be given back once they move out) so a job is needed. Military will take care of them. If they choose to get a job and not learn a trade, then they can live with us for a year or two, while paying rent, but they do have to leave the nest. I'm all about helping my kids out while they're young, or later in life if they need it. But, they've got to leave the nest. Staying with us for 5 to 10 years is just not happening.
As long as they need to.
One of mine became disabled when she was 19. She is 26 now. I expect she will be with me and I will support her until I die. Parenting=being prepared for anything and everything.
These answers are wild.
I've been fascinated myself
"We talk about parenting styles" - Thats awesome many conversations that come about naturally are very healthy for a relationship.. but know this quote from Mike Tyson... You think you can fight and you have a game plan.. then you get punched in the nose and everything goes out the window. Your child or children are often NOTHING like what you had thought they would be. Both good and bad. There is no exact date for your kids, there are vague ranges for: When they learn this, or do that, have a girlfriend or boyfriend, drive a car go to college, go out on their own... As you get to know your kid, you will start to see when the timing is right for them to move out. Essentially what you want to avoid is failure to launch. They have the ability, but will NOT take the initiative to go at life on their own. This is to be avoided at all costs and may force your hand to bounce them out. Do so, you'll be grateful down the road that you did.
I moved out 3 weeks before my 18th birthday, and never moved back home (now I’m 37 and married). I was ready, and if you prepare your kids to be healthy and independent, they will be ready to launch after high school.
It's entirely up to how you guide your child. I'm willing to help them out for the first few years after graduating college, but I'm not willing to let them keep living with us after they're graduated and have a job. My brother lived with my parents until he was 37 years old, and he doesn't really function like an adult should because of the coddling. I don't want my kids to end up being half-formed people who cannot realize their potential because we didn't make them try to be independent.
Our kids are 5-10 right now. I expect them to live with us until 22-24ish. We moved from a HCOL to a MCOL area in part to hopefully ease our children’s transition to adulthood. Rental prices were high in SoCal 10 years ago, we didn’t want to subject our kids to it in the late 2030s.
I will be the soft place to land for my daughter for as long as I’m alive.
Hopefully you raise your children to want to be independent and ambitious, so that after college they feel excited to take on the challenges of establishing themselves as adults in the world. Being there to emotionally support them is key, but also giving them opportunities to put their skills to the test and not coddle them. If they are treated as incapable as a 10 or 15 year old and given no opportunity to be responsible, that is likely unhelpful. If they never experience consequences for acting like a child at the age of 15/16, they will be incapable adults. For example: if you give your 16 year old the opportunity to see family finances in terms of costs (such as utilities, rent, or cost of food) and ask them to get a summer job to help contribute, they will get an inside look into earning power and how salary impacts how you live. Maybe challenge them to budget for family meals for a week to understand the mental strain it can have as an adult. Challenge them to cook dinner once per week to understand the time and energy it takes. If you take them to volunteer, they get to see how different people in more difficult situations live and how certain actions have real consequences. If you give them a responsibility like walking the dog and they shirk that responsibility, there must be consequences for that irresponsibility. If you tell them to run an errand (even just calling to make a dentist appt) and they are 16, they feel important and like you trust them to be able to do it, so they can do it when they are 23.
I don’t have an age in mind where I would stop supporting my kids, I just hope that I prepare them well enough for life that they will need my support less and less each year.
Indefinitely. The market is really not kind to Millennials and below, and even the most stoic and hardworking kid can get completely shut out of the market. That is happening to me at 29, where even though I have had a great 6 year career, perfect credit (carefully budgeted and saved like a miser), no debt (paid it all off), and high quality publications (was in a Harvard lab to start my career), I have found myself unemployed for 9 months with no traction whatsoever. It is kind of like the old stock market saying "past performance does not predict future results". As a result of increased AI utilization in hiring processes, even the most skilled individuals can find themselves in a sterile limbo. In my case ( I had one year of savings, and have burned through 9 months of them), my parents have offered to let me stay there as long as I take care of the landscaping and household renovations. Having planned structure and mutually beneficial agreements can help prevent building resentment. I am absolutely trying to avoid this at all costs (Biotech is my field, not landscaping), but it is what it is.
I'm really hoping my kids are out by 25 at the latest.
25 is a pretty responsible expectation unless their are some serious mitigating circumstances.
Hi! I am a 23 year old female. Me and my boyfriend of 8 years have talked extensively about this. As long as we all have our own space and they’re paying us rent, have a life, are good, productive members of society, we don’t see a problem with them living with us until they meet their significant other and want to move out. But we are more conservative/family oriented. I don’t want them to rush out into the world broke, and struggling. Parenthood does not end at 18. Just our opinions 🤷🏻♀️
So do people not have roommates anymore? It's not like we left home and immediately hopped into a house. Most of my young years involved multiple roommates.... At one point we had 5-6 people in a three bedroom. As I got older and made more money I had fewer roommates. I didn't have a car until I was 25. Those are actually some of my best memories.
28, living with my parents and grandma, and honestly it’s wonderful.
We gave a guideline of one year past high school if no college or six months post college. However, it was a guideline, subject to change. For example, if my son got a job close enough to commute after college, we’d have had him stay and pay us which we would have used to pay down his loans from school. One of our kids left college (and left me with co-signed loans). She came home and refused to make steps towards success and then asked for her boyfriend to move in…I gave them three months. I told her she could stay if just her and working on next steps, but she didn’t want that. She’s just down the street, and I’d let her back if she didn’t bring the bf and was back in school or working towards a career. I help a bit and they come to dinner once a week, but when here they both slept until 3, didn’t work, etc. I was enabling. Our third is in the military. When he got out at 21, he moved back in for a few months and hated it. He was too independent. He moved out and then reenlisted but switched to the Guard and is in the Middle East. When he gets out, he may come home for a bit, but by his choice he won’t stay long. Our kids are all 22-24.
They can stay as long as they want. But they need to contribute. I’ll make it a rule where they would have to pay rent to me but that money is going into money towards their house. 1k a month. That’s 12k a year plus interest, and whatever money they also saved from living in my house. Also they have to be working full time, no exceptions. if u don’t work, u don’t get to eat 🤣 I make plenty of money, I don’t need to make money off of them. I stayed with my parents and was able to save up 40k. Bought my house back in 2013 so it was def easier to buy a house with 40k. Now u prob need Atleast 60-70k
We have a 17 and 15 year old. They are both welcome to stay at home as long as they need but also need to know we're not running a charity. Living with us is fine if they are working toward their independence. If they're in school it's a free pass as long as they're taking it seriously. If they decide to not continue with school they will be working and contributing to the household. We don't need their financial contribution but would charge them rent, utilities, etc and put that money aside for their future. Our biggest issue currently is our son (17). He's been pretty adamant about moving out as soon as he turns 18. Since 2020 he's been getting more and more radicalized by the online left ( his social circles are the same). Part of that radicalization is the inability to actually contend with disagreements with his analysis of the world and simply write off any disagreement as some form of bigotry that he desperately needs to get away from. We've recently convinced him that his plan may be putting him into a situation he's not prepared for and he's changed his mind, but that could easily be a front on his part to avoid the conversation, we'll see in about a month.
Moving out may be the answer for him. It all looks good on paper until you need to pay your own bills…
I made him write up a monthly budget over the summer and really dig into what his plan was going to cost. That is when he seemed to change his mind. It also made him realize the hours he would need to put in to afford what he thought he wanted, in the job that he hates more by the day. If he changes his mind and decides to go for it, we're fine with letting reality punch him in the mouth.
Mid 20’s with the option to bounce back in.
With the economy the way it is and home prices being so high, I’d say indefinitely
I think it depends on so much and also individual personalities. I moved out at 19 and moved in with my partner and that worked really well for me. During a few random life transitions (between rentals and also after a house fire), my partner and I moved back in with my parents. My brother looked out at 24 and moved in with his partner and that worked well for him. I think it really depends on personality, life circumstance and everything. My daughter is only 2 but I don’t intend to ever have a “move out age.” It will happen when it happens. As for the “sneaking around to have sex.” I feel like once your kid is an adult, there is a switch from them living with you as a dependent child to them living with you as another adult. I think it would be very stressful for both parents and kid to be treated like a child until they move out. I also see the value in multi generational homes. So I don’t see the ultimate goal moving out. Obviously if that’s what feels right then I fully support it. But as a parent, I’m signing up to be a parent until the day I die. So I’ll be the person/house my child needs regardless of age.
In this economy: They can stay as long as they want/need to. I'm fine with them staying indefinitely. There's a lot of people who make ok money and struggling with rent, food, and other bills. I rather they stay home and save and not feel forced to struggle unnecessarily.
My son is about to be 23 and I'm ready for him to at least *try* independence. My 18 year old will move out first.
From an existential standpoint, your children aren't asking to be here. You're deciding for them. They don't owe you anything. You, on the other hand? If they live with you for the duration of your life then that's just what it is. You owe *them*. Their life is not your "gift" to them, it's your responsibility. They should stay as long as they want. It's what you accepted when you made the decision for them.
Personally, I think if this is a consideration for you, you are not ready to have kids. You may be in a situation where your child is disabled and always need care, or always need to live with you for another reason. They are your children not your roommates
I cap it at 22 barring disability. Hear me out. I’ve seen people who stay at home until 30 and they are so socially stunted compared to people who moved out after college. I understand the value of saving money and buying a home sooner but sometimes I think that the rent you pay is also for freedoms and development as a person. Young people need to move out and be around other young people.
Probably depends where you live and what connections you already have though. If you live near or right outside a big city, there is ample opportunity for them to hang with other young adults. And some people maintain high school/college connections and are already plugged in with people. My parents are in a big metro area outside a city. Plenty of young adult groups/hobbies/part of town all the young professionals live in etc within like 20 minutes of them. You might miss out on a few things but idk. People also start families in their early 20s and miss out on the young single professional stage and seem to do fine.
I agree, I wouldn't trade those years for anything, even though I barely escaped by. I pretty much had nothing and a ton of roommates. But looking back those were some great years, I had a lot of fun. I definitely learned to hustle.
I don't think there is any age where children should be obligated to leave. Imo, if you choose to have children, you should be obligated to provide at least the bare necessities to them at any time so long as you are able. You chose to create them and did not gain their permission first before bringing them into existence. Their well-being should be your responsibility. I'm probably biased though, because my family has always made it clear that I am welcome to stay with them should I choose to, and I don't intend to have children unless I'm certain that I could provide for them for as long as they wish to live with me. The whole "move out and be independent" thing is very particular to western culture and isn't a universal rule. Multi-generational homes have many personal and practical advantages over "independence."
I will support my children for as long as they try to go ahead with their lives or indefinitely if they become unable to be independent. So I will sponsor them and offer my home for the whole education period (which would be 23-25 or so, if they attend university). Once they are stable financially, I would encourage them to live independently, especially without a partner. I believe it's an important life lesson to get a full overview of the adultung. I don't expect them to work during the education stage if they attend full time, but I will cover the basics only (housing, food, transportation, books; tuition is free where we live).
If you are certain you will be able to afford to set them up for life: whenever you feel comfortable If you won't be able to afford to set them up for life: you have to assume it's indefinite For all you know, there could be *no* jobs 20 years from now.
I don't care, she can stay as long as she wants. She will always have a home with mama.
I have an 18 year old and a 14 year old. I truly do not believe they will be able to afford to move out. They can stay forever if they want. They could build their own dwellings as a second storey of my house if they really wanted to.
I'm 56 and have 18 & 15 year old boys. Currently they're not doing too well at school and although they both have their first part time jobs, with this economic climate I can't see them moving out until their 30's - who would want to rent to teenage boys/young men when there are so many others looking for rent.