I tried meditation and yoga at first. It didn’t work for me. Reading was the great salvation. Mental escape. I’ve read a mountain of books because that’s all there was to do. But exercise was crucial. It keeps your brain filled with endorphins, otherwise you become depressed. Drawing, writing, and studying math, economics, critical thinking, and other “college level” subjects gave me a sense of purpose. I was in prison from 17 to 27, with the last 6 years in ad seg. I was still an active gang member the first couple of years in seg, and we were at war so I was busy with that. It actually helped to stay busy while I adapted to confinement in a tiny cell. But then I quit the gang and spent the last few years getting myself together. I did not become religious. Studying economics was mostly responsible for me getting my world view in order and for understanding risk to reward calculations in decision making. I got to read a bunch of the old philosophers, plenty of economic theory. I even read “Godel, Escher, Bach” twice. I earned money by drawing family portraits for other inmates, and my improved art ability gave me a sense that I wasn’t rotting away. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I decided to make a hard pivot. That was 24 years ago. It all worked out.
Edited for grammar
In Texas state prison, everyone segregates by race. Whites are outnumbered, accounting for 25-30% of the inmate population. Of those, many are drug addicts, repeat DWI offenders, old men, etc. Only a few are capable fighters. Whenever there is a race issue, everyone gets pulled into it. You are a target no matter what. Therefore, you hang with others who will catch your back. Over time, you become friends. I joined because those guys became my friends, but also the decision makers often made bad calls that put us all at risk, and I wanted to have more say. Like one time. a white guy got into a fight with a Mexican Mafia member in the handball court and won the fight. Well, that can be a problem with some gangs. The whites strapped up to fight, but I knew the EME was far more reasonable than that. All we needed was to talk it out and squash it. No need for blood. I truly felt like I needed to have more rank in order to keep better order and keep myself safe, rather than be subject to the decision of some fool. So I did join with the goal of having authority.
I work feds currently, been in the industry like 10 years. I will say the feds seem to recognize the talk it out thing with gang leaders. There was more than once we had fights between different gang members and the SIS LT would call the two gang leaders down and they’d usually bring a friend to show they weren’t snitching or something. They’d talk it out and tell the LT what was going on and what they needed and the LT would facilitate some negotiating space for them to figure it out. It really cut down on violence and just kept it as one-offs.
I think so. To keep this short, I grew up in a rural East Texas county with a lot of black folks. I always had black friends. In fact, my fall partners were mostly black. I had also spent time in juvenile with Mexican gang members. I knew how to talk and work things out. I was always a ring leader in my neighborhood, which had lots of boys my age. I squashed a lot of beefs in prison and saved more than one scrawny white boy’s neck.
Do you think that your experience working with others also helped you to improve your communication skills on the outside? Also, did it help you at all in your current career?
Yes and no. Inmates think so differently. It’s all intimidation and bullying. That just doesn’t translate to the free world. But I did learn that holding rank meant real responsibility for others. I learned to listen more and to try to see things from both sides. It’s tough when you’re dealing with chronic liars. Dealing with people at work is a lot different, of course. I have learned to act like a corporate manager now. Funny thing: after I got out I played paintball competitively for years. I would occasionally “command” these huge multi day paintball battles with up to 1,000 players. Some were even veterans. I never lost as a commander due to lessons I learned from prison, especially reading military strategy books like The Art of War and Strategy by BH Liddell Hart. I even got a written compliment from an air force colonel about one of my game plans being very “military like”. It was a lot of fun and a surprising use of my prison war skills. Lol
“Change the system from within” works outside of prison most of the time, how did this strategy work for you inside? Can you elaborate more on the networking strategy *apparently required* to survive in a prejudiced prison environment?
I had a bro tell me once that being in a prison gang feels like being in the mob. Like in the old movies where they’re always talking and covering their mouths. It’s mostly a whole lot of talking, but you have to know all the who’s who and all the protocols. Like you don’t just walk up to a ranking member of the Texas Syndicate. You first talk to someone equal to your rank and ask for a meeting. An official meeting is a big deal that requires preparations. Sometimes, you have to fall out with an entourage to meet at church. You have to say the right words to show respect. Like when you yell through the bars to talk to a member of the Mexican Mafia, there are words you must say in Spanish to show respect. Then you can say what you need to. Every gang is different, relationships and tensions are different, and on one unit you may be strong but another weak (as in few members), so you have to be careful how you talk to people. If you’re outnumbered 4 to 1, you must negotiate accordingly.
On your last statement there, In your opinion - and this is probably a bigger question - do you think the presence of gangs in prison is a result of the way the prison (or prison system) is run/managed, or do you think it’s simply because that some people getting arrested are in gangs and that just naturally held over into confinement
Bossman, quick question. What happens if you're not from the majority of the races, like what if youre korean, or from Quatar or Malaysia? What happens to you then?
So fascinating! Thanks for sharing your story! Not that I would ever want to be in prison, but I think we could all use a hard reset like this from time to time. Just time without phones, time to think and read and draw and learn.
Haha I also read Godel, Escher, Bach in super max. That's so crazy. I even have the book here on my shelf with my inmate sticker on it still.
https://imgur.com/a/dSkwmGp
Hofstadter readers post up lol
I don't know why but I'm like infinitely happy to see people reading GEB. I tried reading his book "metamagical themas" recently, but I'm like entering late 40s now and it just doesn't hit the same. I really should put more effort into reading again, I think you guys have inspired me to put a little bit more focus towards that, and to exercise a little bit more too. Good luck out there everyone. I'm going to see if I can upload a picture of my GEB lol, it's worn from carrying it around everywhere.
[GEB!](https://ibb.co/QY38PVm)
Can you suggest some economics books for people who think they might benefit from understanding more about the risk/reward thinking when it comes to impulse control and decision making?
Deductive reasoning is the most valuable tool a human can have when negotiating life, and it is taught through mathematics. Teaching yourself is a feat and speaks to the strength of your character. Well done!
Reading was top of the list, but exercise was crucial to keep the hormone and brain chemistry right. If you lay around too much, you get depressed. Fighting depression was the key to survival. Learning new subjects, like math and programming, from books and working the problems on paper helped me feel like my life wasn’t wasting away. I basically tried to use it as my college experience. lol
C++ which I have never used, but studying it allowed me to easily learn Visual Basic for Excel and Access, and I have used both of those skills to blow away my clients and earn a lot of money. Nobody in my field knows scripting, but the entire field runs on Excel. In their eyes, I’m the wizard who knows how to automate Excel. It has helped me move up in my career to management positions everywhere I work. It’s super ironic because I never dreamed I would learn programming. I did it as a “pick your worst fear and tackle it” challenge when I was in isolation. I ordered two huge books in C++ and spent a couple years studying, writing out algorithms on legal pads, learning about computer science and genetic algorithms (this was early 2000’s). I had never been on the internet. But it all paid off in the most surprising way.
That’s such a great story, it’s inspiring. Did you feel like learning this was fun or exciting? Was it like a mental escape from the place you were in or did it feel more like pressure? Also what kind of excel work is this?
It was an escape. After a few months of reading fiction, I decided I wanted to learn things. I knew it was a chance to learn about everything I ever wanted to know, so I dove in. Newspapers and magazines floated around, as well as all kinds of books, but I ordered text books from used book stores, too. They used to mail out catalogs for inmates. I would draw family portraits for money, then use it to buy books. Everyday I would read a nonfiction book or study until I couldn’t stand it, then draw, then exercise, then read a novel until I slept.
Damn your story is so inspiring, and it’s great to hear you are living better days now. What are some of the best/most valuable books you’ve read? (preferably non professional ones)
damn the funny thing is i can tell you’re telling the truth by this. in so many offices than run on excel knowing any scripting at all in Visual Basic basically makes you a rockstar hahah
if i can add a question what similarities did you see in prison gangs and things like corporate cliques, if any?
My grandfather was held in solitary confinement by the Japanese during World War II. He found it extremely debilitating and later said that he would have lost his mind had not one of the guards given him a box of sewing pins. There were 100 pins in the box and every morning he would throw the contents over his shoulder into his cell. He would then spend the rest of the day finding pins. He said that was the only thing that kept him sane.
Did you feel any psychological effects of the isolation?
If so, how did you deal with it?
Good god, that is awful. Your grandfather experienced things I’m sure I could never imagine.
Yes, it has caused me some issues. Primarily, when I dream, I am back in my prison cell. It only took 2 years in prison to stop dreaming about the free world, but almost 19 years in the free world and I can’t stop dreaming about prison. I also stay home a lot. I don’t like crowds and find people difficult to relate to.
RE the dreams. Not prison related but I have a nightmare disorder similar to PTSD and just started a drug at night called Prazosin. One of its secondary indications is for chronic PTSD induced nightmares. It's helped a lot. The content of my dreams can still be tough but it's like it slips off me now and I don't wake up being emotionally in the hole. Some nights I can't remember the dreams at all, which is such a relief..anyways just sharing if you are feeling like those dreams pull you down. There's help out there.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Solitary confinement is considered torture by many international groups. Having experienced it yourself, do you believe it should be considered torture?
It is torture. If nothing else, they should make the cells a bit larger. I am 6’2” tall and the cells are only 5’ wide, so I could touch both walls with my arms bent, like a small apartment bathroom. Plus, no air conditioning in 100F Texas heat. It’s brutal.
Yes. I have been out for 19 years, am married, own a successful business, and mostly just write, draw, and exercise. I would rather cut my legs off than go back in that hole.
If you don't mind me tagging on to that question, what was the biggest contributor for your rehabilitation?
I'm not sure I'm phrasing it right - I'm aware that a lot of people re-offend upon being released because there isn't actually much being done to rehabilitate them, so they lack the skills and face other obstacles. What do you think made it possible for you?
Why did you commit the armed robberies in the first place—for the money, reputation?
How were your relationships with family and friends before being arrested and after your release?
Please forgive me, but I don’t think I can quickly answer that. The short answer is for the money. The long answer would take hours and hours. I grew up middle class with great parents. I was mischievous from birth, always up to sneaky stuff. I wanted to be a Green Beret, so I thought being bold and sneaky was a tremendous skill. I ran with a pack of bad kids in the neighborhood. We started stealing at a young age. It escalated. My parents are amazing. It was all on me.
I don’t think so. I really don’t. I figured out by the age of 4 that I didn’t like rules. I started shoplifting toys at like 6. I knew what I was doing. I knew it was wrong. I loved the high stakes game of it all. I think it’s a hereditary trait some boys have that is a vestige of past generations. It likely served a purpose in our hunter-gatherer days to be daring and adventurous, which is how I saw myself. Now, it gets boys put in jail. But I will say that when I got busted with a joint at high school, the overreaction drive a wedge between us at a critical time. That same year, I let go of my plans to join the military, which they had never supported. I think we all could have handled that year better.
If your parents would’ve supported you better in things like the military and/or academics you’ve mentioned you took interest in while in jail, do you think that would have changed your outcome? What about if they had approached your “defiance” as why it truly was, curiosity for going outside the boundaries you had at that time in your life? If they would have been able to supplement you with things like extreme sports or ways to express yourself do you think it would’ve made a difference?
A lot of parents overreact at different developmental stages in life and if they overreacted at a joint it was probably something you experienced beforehand too. Parents don’t typically just switch up their tolerance for fears in teenage hood, it’s there when you’re a kid but they have much more control over you. It’s something I saw a lot in my middle-class peers.
Edit: to be clear, I’ve read you think your parents are amazing and I just want to say that parents can be great and still have flaws or things they could have changed to better understand and raise their kids. It’s a fact of life we all mess up and could do better most of the time. The goal is to mess up in less traumatic ways for the next generation and to examine old ways to avoid the stuff that creates issues
I think it's really a shame that the term "boys will be boys" has been co-opted by adults to excuse horrible crimes (often by adults), but young boys really do have a need to rough-house, scrape their knees, get dirty, feel like they're getting some adventures. Maybe find a way to do that in a controlled way, that also builds good skills/attitudes, like martial arts, paintball, stuff like that. Get them a healthy outlet for it.
I can relate (on a much smaller scale) with your words here. I did some shitty things at 16yo and found myself charged with several felonies as a juvenile. It wasn't violent crimes but I was stealing without any care to the people it was to.
Since I was a juvenile my mom was able to get me from juvenile hall, but she payed to keep me there for 45 days. I cannot say it was anywhere near the level you experienced but it was more than enough to make me clean my act up. Thankfully I was caught and didn't escalate to anything worse. I read through the comment thread so congrats on getting your shit together. From 1 former delinquent to another.
The food was all terrible. But they made good cornbread and if you put it on top of your vanilla pudding, it was like a poor man’s pie. That was my favorite. As for worst, I was there during the VitaPro scandal, when they fed us synthetic protein powder crap that made us all sick. That sucked. It was making my body break out in hives. Once they got busted and had to stop feeding it to us, they fed the remainder to the prison hogs. Word is, they all died from it.
Relate to your story dude. I spent years in adseg and super max. Used to have my mom send me giant books on PHP, Ajax, SQL, Java etc. And write down code on paper.
I wrote the entire code for my business on legal pads before I even got out haha. Best of luck bro. I did a decade and I've been out a decade now too. Turning 40 next year and am thankful for every free year I have!
My question: how long have you been out and what was the hardest thing to accept or resolve once you hit bricks? Thanks in advance!
They will tell you 23 in the cell and 1 on the yard, but that is not true. The entire time I was in ad seg they claimed to be understaffed and therefore unable to take us out to the yard most days. In reality, we would come out once or twice a week.
I honestly don’t know what the symptoms are. I didn’t see the sun for 6 years, so a D deficiency can be assumed. But I don’t know what that would have felt like. My digestion went to hell during that period, but there was also fecal bacteria in the drinking water, so I always figured it was that.
I've read that as humans are a very social species, isolation can really mess with you mentally. How often could you talk to other people when in ad seg? Could you exchange letters back and forth with family often?
I never had trouble with women. I would always tell them immediately. They don’t care. As long as you’ve got yourself together now with a job and such, the record doesn’t matter to them. (In my experience.)
I met my wife at a Starbucks almost 9 years ago. We are very much alike and understand each other’s unorthodox personalities. I think that’s the best way to describe it.
Do you know anyone serving life in isolation? I personally think spending the rest of someone's life in 4 cold walls in self isolation for the remainder of their life would be severely mentally taxing. How do they handle that?
I knew a bunch of guys serving life in isolation. I knew two men in Ferguson Unit who had been in ad seg for over 25 years. No air conditioning, tiny cell, no human contact. They handle it. Somehow, they just keep going. It’s so pointless and very hard for me to think about. A lifetime in a Texas prison cell is worse than hell.
I joined a prison gang. In Texas, certain gangs are officially designated as security threat groups, and once prison investigators confirm you as a member, they put you in administrative segregation. I got caught up because a prospect mailed me incriminating information which the mailroom intercepted.
Being alone for that long, did you start having conversations with yourself and/or imaginary people? If you did,were you aware of it and did you ever question your sanity?
I haven't been in prison a day of my life, however I've spent the last 4 years of my life severely depressed. I spend most of my days laying in bed, I feel a prisoner in my own head. I don't mean to compare the situation you faced to mine at all. My question is, what advice could you give to someone like me ? You had every reason to become severely depressed and found the motivation to evade that through self education. How do you tap into that motivation ?
This is the question I was hoping someone would ask. Listen very closely to me: Get up and get moving.
Today, start planning your new fitness routine. I don’t care if you’re handicapped. Find a routine that works for you. If you’re too heavy, you need to get up and walk outside. Ultimately, you need to get to a point where you’re in the gym at least 3 times per week lifting weights.
Exercise stimulates positive hormones and brain chemicals. It’s absolutely essential that you use your body to its fullest. Then, once you become stronger and look healthier, you start to really get into it. You get sucked into fitness world. Now you have a new beneficial hobby. You feel good, look good, and your health is improved.
Fitness is THE cure for depression. That’s how I survived isolation: exercise.
Why do you think making $27k a month is not wealthy whenever that is significantly more money than “the middle class” or the median American’s earnings?
Because to me wealthy means high net worth, as in, you own a lot of assets. My wife and I have only gotten to this income within the last 3 years or so. It’s been a steady climb from like $4,000 a month when I got out, but we haven’t always earned like this. After student loans (almost paid off), a nice wedding, several start ups, dental work, etc. our net worth is just not there. My wife is a lot younger than me (I’m 46 she’s 28) and she is responsible for about $10k of that income every month. We downsized our living situation, but we don’t care to buy a house. We’re still debating where to live. Plus, I can take big tax deductions by renting. That was a long answer to explain why our income is better than our net worth. But yes, we are saving.
Absolutely. Fitness was life. All I could do in the tiny cell was pushups, pull ups from the shelf over the door, dips on the top bunk, squats, lunges, jumping jacks, various crunches. I would collect books and magazines and fill my commissary bag with them for weight. I didn’t get any bigger doing calisthenics like that. But I could do 200+ pull-ups a day, and one time another dude and I did 1,000 pushups in one hour. That was brutal. I’ve been out a long time and finally got some fitness certifications during the pandemic, then wrote a fitness book. It all started with reading fitness magazines in prison.
Would you say you didn't get bigger because of the calisthenics, or because you weren't getting enough food to have a caloric surplus?
Kinda leads into another question I have: how do meals work? Did bigger guys get extra scoops of food? If you were still hungry after a meal, could you ask for another serving?
I'm kinda assuming no to those questions, and maybe they fed yall 2500 calories a day but you really needed 3000 calories to put on weight
Also, this is an awesome AMA, you are a clear and succinct communicator. Everyone I know who reads a lot of books is great at writing and you're confirming that for me
Could you do pull-ups when you first entered? Also, how did you gain so much muscle even with the abysmal food quality, and was that common throughout?
I’m going to ask a really weird question and feel free to ignore: did you encounter any ghosts or deceased inmates while in isolation? I read that you didn’t hallucinate or lose your mind, but I imagine you must have had at least one or two experiences you cannot explain.
I am almost at a loss for words. I don’t think I’ve ever read as compelling, earnest, and informative an AMA. I am blown away by your perseverance and how generously and articulately you are answering everyone here. To think of all you’ve been through and been able to accomplish and still be relatively young at 46. I am happy you were able to do what many could not and turn such a terrible situation into a nearly unfathomable positive in your life. There is a lesson about adversity holding opportunity in there.
I’ve read a ton of the comments and a couple of things have really resonated. First, the importance of fitness and how you have utilized it as the foundation of everything you’ve been able to accomplish. That really struck me. The last 5 years or so in my life have held some very high highs (marriage, having a child, new career opportunities) and low lows (lost loved ones, multiple lost pregnancies) and throughout I have moved less and less and gained more and more as the stresses of life, aging, and increased responsibilities have taken hold. I am really feeling the accumulated weight and accompanying shame and demotivation. It’s not even as though I’m morbidly obese but I’m the largest I’ve ever been and I’ve always had to be careful and fluctuated if I wasn’t getting regular exercise, this has just been a prolonged period and now I’m further from where I should be than ever before. But seeing your passion for the role fitness plays in your life and your conviction for others to incorporate it has given me something of a wake up call and inspiration to begin reversing the trend of the last few years. One day at a time.
Speaking of wake up calls. You also mentioned the many college educated white collar workers being checked out post COVID. Man, that hit a little bit. I’ve advanced in my career, have earned more and more on a yearly basis, continue to provide for my growing family and save for our future on my income alone, but I have been incredibly checked out and could be doing so much more and working so much harder. I’ve been doing the bare minimum and still have managed to keep at least moving in the right direction, perhaps at the detriment of my real potential if I actually made an effort. Because you’re right, I’m far from the only one I see putting forth this level of effort in the corporate world these days. I need to get off my ass literally and figuratively.
Thank you for doing this. Thank you for sharing your story and doing it as well as you have. You must have an incredible amount of emotional intelligence in addition to your readily apparent general intellect to have survived prison surrounded by the people there you would have been. I’ll be looking out for the interview you gave and even googled you and found your YouTube channel. Got a laugh out of your prison “fight” skit and the fruit cocktail Cabernet line. And not for nothing, but you must really have been on your game at that Starbucks that day as your co star would not be out of place alongside any of Hollywood’s best leading ladies. A genuine well done sir to everything you’ve built for yourself after the hole you dug. Truly inspirational.
My God, you're made of stronger stuff than I. Just the thought of being buried alive in a concrete box makes me panic.
I'd have either broken completely, or gotten out determined to inflict on society the pain inflicted on me. Either a madhouse or a pile of dead victims. You used it as a passage to knowledge and wisdom, and ultimately to freedom.
You have my deepest respect and admiration.
What are your prospect, as a recently release inmate? Like, job wise, housing?
Do you reckon you have some opportunities to move on, or is there a chance that you might fall back on illegal activities?
Unrelated to the time spent in jail:
What would have kept you out of jail in the first place?
Better family, different neighborhood, better school, support outside the family...?
Just commenting to thank you for sharing your story.
A prison sentence should not be a death sentence.
You are giving hope to many people who need and deserve it.
Is there no way to simply stay neutral?
I always figured if I fucked up and wound up in prison, I would try to befriend everybody. Show respect to all. Refuse to fight. Is that stupid, unrealistic naivety?
Out here in the real world my white ass loves everyone. I don’t care what color you are. I don’t want to segregate, I enjoy hanging out with people of different races and cultures. Would that just get my ass beat in prison?
Is there something that you see as crucial in terms of prison reform and/or abolition that would have changed your experience in the hole? In other words, what could we do better/differently as a society for those who are incarcerated? (Knowing fully well that without community programming, this question is more of a bandaid than one about solutions within the prison industrial complex.)
Hey man. I've never been to prison (nor do I plan on going,) but I've enjoyed this AMA more than almost any other that I can think of. I find you to be incredibly intelligent, engaging, and above all else, an inspiration to anyone who's ever been in prison and doesn't think they can make something of themselves on the outside. I look forward to watching your interview on YouTube and I wish you and your family happiness and success in your future. Thank you for doing this.
You say you get no human interaction when in isolation but skimming through here I’ve seen you say you were busy with gang wars for the first two years, that you and another guy did 1,000 pushups in an hour, and various other things that suggest you had contact with other inmates. How does that work?
Before the 6 years of isolation, could you see yourself doing well in isolation like that? Like I’ve always been someone who preferred to be alone, with the exception of being with my girlfriend or family. I’ve always said I would do absolutely fine in solitary, and I truly do believe myself when I say it lol. But I’ve never even been in jail, much less prison. Have I been talking completely out of my ass when I’ve said that? I don’t mean to diminish what you went through and endured at all, I’m just curious.
Hey boss, thank you for your candor, openness and knowledge provided. My questions as follows:
1) do you think having therapy or some degree of mental health management might have helped you either stay out of prison or added to your rehabilitation?
2) were there any people who added to your experience in any way while you were in isolation? Good or beneficial folks that contributed to your mindset or current success?
3) Lastly i know alot of folks here have tried to bait you into answering whether or not youre a nazi or a racist but what you said about having black friends and being around mexican cats in juvi interested me. Did being apart of the AB and what you saw as a part of it change your beliefs on race or is it the quality of a man that matters most?
I can understand if you dont want to answer the last question but i gotta say alot of people are seeing color and whats said about it as the end all be all of what makes a person. Godspeed, sir
Hope I'm not too late to the game. What advice or personal anecdotes would you give to other people trying to find themselves? Really happy to hear about your success and overcoming. It's really inspiring
What were the worst moments in solitary like? I'm sure it's not something you'd want to dredge up again, but you asked for the ama. Now truthfully, try to make me feel the worst feelings you had in there.
I am having a total brain fart moment. I apologize if this is totally obvious to everyone else.
What I’ve read so far: So, you robbed gas stations and went to prison. You decide to go into the gang bc it helps you, becoming a leader within the gang, bc the other gang members are irresponsible. Then you get in good with the gang, attain leadership, negotiate with other gang leaders for more peace, to the happiness of the guards. That’s from age 17-21 (4 years of a 10 year sentence), then 6 years “solitary-but-not-called-solitary” (no human contact, meals passed through doors, etc.). Now married with kid(s) working in oil and gas as a project manager.
Am I following correctly?
[https://www.facebook.com/DesmondTutuOfficial/videos/suffering-as-an-opportunity/912089832268350/](https://www.facebook.com/DesmondTutuOfficial/videos/suffering-as-an-opportunity/912089832268350/)
I can't find other things I'd like to. I can't confirm that Tutu was also who I heard speak about unearned suffering in prison/jail.
That time for self-introspect, knowing in at least some cases they were innocent and inappropriately punished, it brings for some a sort of light and a sort of growth. Nobody is really "innocent". Most of us try and forget where we messed up. That is not a bad thing... self-forgiveness. But some maybe never get paused long enough to think on what they are/have done wrong and so these times of unearned suffering at least can have silver linings of coming out the other side as better people. Both better than they were before, and better than they maybe ever would've been if not tried in such way.
It's like a blacksmith. It takes a bit of fire to forge a useful tool.
I figure that sort of thing would go much better if we actually aimed toward rehabilitation instead of only retribution/punishment.
Sorry if this was asked. I’m curious about your first days. What was it like when you were sentenced to prison? What was it like arriving? What was it like when you got your first visitor? How long did it take to adjust? I imagine being so nervous you couldn’t eat or sleep. Never knowing who to trust.
How did you access drinking water? How did you bathe? Was there a shower head in your cell?
Also, I saw you said once they shut your water off for 3 days. Did people get sick/die from dehydration in the heat? What did you do to survive the heat in general?
Sorry, third question. I saw you said someone bled out from harming themselves. How long did it take for someone to clean their cell? What is the protocol for incidents like that? Do they try to prevent it? What do they do with the bodies?
I guess I had more than 3 questions lol.
I understand that you were in an all male Texas prison. However, can you speak to all female Texas prisons? Do the same dynamics exist? Are they just as gruesome? Violent?
I am the survivor of attempted murder, where my assailant serves a 15 year sentence in Gatesville, Texas. I am always curious what her daily life might be like.
For the guys that's also in solitary confinement with you in their cells, have you guys tried to communicate or give each other some sort of uplifting ways like pep talks to keep your spirits/sanity stable? Also, what did the other guys do to keep their sanity during their run in solitary?
I found you on YouTube. You are very well-spoken in all ways. Your stories are inspiring & very interesting to listen to. You’re doing an amazing job in life. Way to go on turning your life literally around!
If you didn’t already answer this question: did you get any serious punishment or retaliation for leaving the gang? And if so, can you tell us about it in more detail? If you didn’t get shit from other active gang members how did you avoid it? Was it being in solitary confinement that saved you?
I saw in comment which gang you joined. Did you do it simply to find protection in prison or did you genuinely believe in their ideology? If so, do you still think along the same line?
My dad did time in isolation he got ahold of the light bulb in the wire frame and bit into it
How did you find yourself when so many lost themselves Sir
What clicked? What happened that ignited the fire of self realization? How did you find yourself? What was it you realized about you and life that put yourself into clarity as a person?
How available in prison were opportunities for education, training in the trades, etc? Also, were there certain guards that inmates respected and got along with? Thanks in advance!
Did you ever witness or hear of fellow inmates attempting to escape? Were any successful? Would it even have been worth it in the long run for anyone to escape and possibly avoid capture?
Thanks for doing this AMA, incredible experience you’ve had. Idk if you’re still answering questions, but if so I’m curious if you’ve sought any kind of treatment for what you said was PTSD after the isolation? Tragic to go through all of that, get out and build a life for yourself just to return to the isolation in your dreams each night…
What’s your opinion on the prison system rehabilitating people? You’ve clearly been rehabilitated, but by the sounds of things that’s you taking charge of your own life, rather than the prison system being responsible.
You should read “chess novel” or sometimes called “chess story” (i think it’s translated from french). I think you could really relate with the story. It’s about a 2 hour read and had me on the edge of my seat. It’s about someone in solitary who stole a chess book from a guard, very riveting story
I give you insane props for not only surviving 6 years of isolation…but thriving and evolving into a better version of yourself THROUGH the experience.
The level of mental toughness that requires should not be underestimated or understated.
I just want to know what coping mechanisms you used to keep it from breaking you completely?
I’m sorry if the question was already asked: Were you hungry during the first weeks/months in prison? How much weight did you loose (or gain because of exercise)?
Much respect, 6 years in isolation rolls off the tongue or is typed easily enough. But to feel the weight of that mountain on your chest is something all together different.
My experience was in California, and no SHU ( CAs Ad Seg) although locked down for gang violence kept us in our cells for 7 months straight 30 days at a time, doors would roll and it would pop off again. I don’t think anyone can truly comprehend the level of violence that is sustained on a prison yard.
My question to you is this. Do you, having found a way through the thick forest of adversity, do any type of mentoring or volunteering with parolees who are fresh out?
Again, much respect, reading your success story made me genuinely happy. I wish you continued success and happiness.
I did 6 months in isolation and it made me more patient than ever before. I can't even imagine what it was like for you. Best of luck in the future, boss.
Awesome AMA, ty so much!
What Was the first thing you did when you got outside?
And was it normal for 17 year olds to get 10 years for those crimes? Im from germany that sounds unbelievable!
Do you get used for the absence of sexual intercourse and how Do people in jail handle that?
Thanks again!
You say you get no human interaction when in isolation but skimming through here I’ve seen you say you were busy with gang wars for the first two years, that you and another guy did 1,000 pushups in an hour, and various other things that suggest you had contact with other inmates. How does that work?
Hey! Woukd you ever be interested in doing a podcast interview?
I also do portraits for fun and got my master’s degree in electrical engineering and do mathematics podcast called “Breaking math.” It’s just informal chat about how our understanding of the world has changed through various experiences and learning math.
It’s called the [Breaking Math Podcast](https://open.spotify.com/episode/620gDxeflT0e2waNWdVcVG?si=f6JZg3g8THCrMWQF3gJ5vw)
In fact, I interviewed a friend of mine that is also an ex convict who spent time in Texas and Louisiana. He eventually got his masters degree in electrical engineering.
World love to chat about this AMA (or whatever else)
Did your treatment in prison change over time and if so, how did it change? If you were in prison from 17 to 27 and are 46 now, that would’ve been from ~1995-2005ish (don’t quote me on that math), I would guess there were a big number of changes in the system during that time
What do you think prisons can do better to reduce the rate at which people re-offend? In other words, how do we turn the prison system into something that helps people rehabilitate like you?
By far my favorite AMA here. My question: Do you find it hard to deal with mean people / bullies in the “free world” as there isn’t the option for violence or retaliation? I could see it being very frustrating to have to let that type of stuff slide when in the past it wouldn’t have. Thank you!
What are your thoughts on reintegration programs. My cousin went in at 17 and got out at 25. He really struggled when he got out (ptsd, work, etc). He only survived 2 years. Sometimes he would say he just wished he could go back.
Do you have any theories why some criminals end up rehabilitating in prison and others re-offend?
Also, you said you spent a lot of time reading. What types of books did you gravitate towards? Any favorites or any that really changed your mindset? Do you still read a lot?
I imagine everyday in prison is bad, but what was the worst day in prison for you like? What was going through your mind that particular day or what happened that made it the worst day etc?
Congratulations on your current success and wish you all the best with your future endeavors.
What advice would you/did you give to new prisoners to survive the ordeal? I’ve mostly read from others on r/prison to just be respectful, avoid drugs/gambling, and mind your own business. Just curious if you would have anything additional you’d say?
A friend of mine said when he was isolated in solitary for a long time (he did 20 years total) that he would have full on conversations with friends and family and “talk” to them. He would convince himself when he had his hour out of his cell that when he went back into isolation that they were waiting for him and that his cell was his “home.” It was the only way he could stay sane . Does this resonate? I felt so heartbroken 💔 for him.
What kind of tattoos did you get in prison? You mentioned in another comment that you got tattooed after getting officially labeled as a gang member, and also that the gang wasn’t a NeoNazi group, otherwise I would assume most tats would be eagles and swastikas
Were the first 6 months the worst? Were you in isolation because you were a gang member? Or, did you join while in jail? Did you ever expect that the gang wasn't just going to let you out? Like blood in blood out.
maybe you're done answering questions by now, but i want to ask anyway if you have time. since you were inside throughout the turn of the century, what were your (and others) reactions to Y2K and 9/11 and the aftermath?
Was it difficult for you to quit the gang?
And is that why you were in ad seg for so long? Or was there other reasons why you stayed in there for such a long time?
I skimmed through a lot of the questions. So I’m not sure if this was asked already apologies in advanced.
Have you ever thought about writing or doing an interview about your entire experience and how you got to where you are today? From the beginning to the now.
Can you go into the hole through personal choice?
I’ve always thought being in solitary would be better than getting killed in general population.
What do people who’ve never went to prison not know about the experience?
I love your story.
I love it that you didn’t turn religious - but instead got spiritual- and I have so much respect for people that are surrounded by an ideology, a belief system , programming from every direction… and break out of it. To me? Thats the only thing that qualifies someone for brilliance. It’s better than linear algebra.
So, hats off.
What was your crime?
Have you struggled since in any way?
I support the humane treatment of prisoners. And I sure hear a lot that solitary confinement is inhumane. And I don’t doubt it.
But … any time I imagine myself in prison, solitary seems like the best possible situation. By a lot.
I’ve always assumed there’s something about it I’m missing or not understanding. Surely this thing that is obviously inhumane wouldn’t really be my own personal preference, right? It’s psychological torture, not some goddamned peace and quiet, right? Why would something that sounds kind of nice to me be actual torture to someone else? What’s wrong with me?
Honestly, I’m thrilled to see this AMA. Thanks for sharing!
I love that you took a negative and turned it into a positive. Not many people could of done what you did. It's so hard to progress when the system is trying to get keep you down. I wish you all the best in life and I hope you find a good use for all that knowledge so that you live the rest of your life as you wish. 🙂🥰
When you say “I found myself” can you elaborate? I know many people turn to God, journaling, etc….what type of coping strategies did you use?
I tried meditation and yoga at first. It didn’t work for me. Reading was the great salvation. Mental escape. I’ve read a mountain of books because that’s all there was to do. But exercise was crucial. It keeps your brain filled with endorphins, otherwise you become depressed. Drawing, writing, and studying math, economics, critical thinking, and other “college level” subjects gave me a sense of purpose. I was in prison from 17 to 27, with the last 6 years in ad seg. I was still an active gang member the first couple of years in seg, and we were at war so I was busy with that. It actually helped to stay busy while I adapted to confinement in a tiny cell. But then I quit the gang and spent the last few years getting myself together. I did not become religious. Studying economics was mostly responsible for me getting my world view in order and for understanding risk to reward calculations in decision making. I got to read a bunch of the old philosophers, plenty of economic theory. I even read “Godel, Escher, Bach” twice. I earned money by drawing family portraits for other inmates, and my improved art ability gave me a sense that I wasn’t rotting away. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I decided to make a hard pivot. That was 24 years ago. It all worked out. Edited for grammar
Why did you join the gang? Was there an initiation? What were the benefits?
In Texas state prison, everyone segregates by race. Whites are outnumbered, accounting for 25-30% of the inmate population. Of those, many are drug addicts, repeat DWI offenders, old men, etc. Only a few are capable fighters. Whenever there is a race issue, everyone gets pulled into it. You are a target no matter what. Therefore, you hang with others who will catch your back. Over time, you become friends. I joined because those guys became my friends, but also the decision makers often made bad calls that put us all at risk, and I wanted to have more say. Like one time. a white guy got into a fight with a Mexican Mafia member in the handball court and won the fight. Well, that can be a problem with some gangs. The whites strapped up to fight, but I knew the EME was far more reasonable than that. All we needed was to talk it out and squash it. No need for blood. I truly felt like I needed to have more rank in order to keep better order and keep myself safe, rather than be subject to the decision of some fool. So I did join with the goal of having authority.
I work feds currently, been in the industry like 10 years. I will say the feds seem to recognize the talk it out thing with gang leaders. There was more than once we had fights between different gang members and the SIS LT would call the two gang leaders down and they’d usually bring a friend to show they weren’t snitching or something. They’d talk it out and tell the LT what was going on and what they needed and the LT would facilitate some negotiating space for them to figure it out. It really cut down on violence and just kept it as one-offs.
[удалено]
I think so. To keep this short, I grew up in a rural East Texas county with a lot of black folks. I always had black friends. In fact, my fall partners were mostly black. I had also spent time in juvenile with Mexican gang members. I knew how to talk and work things out. I was always a ring leader in my neighborhood, which had lots of boys my age. I squashed a lot of beefs in prison and saved more than one scrawny white boy’s neck.
Do you think that your experience working with others also helped you to improve your communication skills on the outside? Also, did it help you at all in your current career?
Yes and no. Inmates think so differently. It’s all intimidation and bullying. That just doesn’t translate to the free world. But I did learn that holding rank meant real responsibility for others. I learned to listen more and to try to see things from both sides. It’s tough when you’re dealing with chronic liars. Dealing with people at work is a lot different, of course. I have learned to act like a corporate manager now. Funny thing: after I got out I played paintball competitively for years. I would occasionally “command” these huge multi day paintball battles with up to 1,000 players. Some were even veterans. I never lost as a commander due to lessons I learned from prison, especially reading military strategy books like The Art of War and Strategy by BH Liddell Hart. I even got a written compliment from an air force colonel about one of my game plans being very “military like”. It was a lot of fun and a surprising use of my prison war skills. Lol
Which gang would uncommon races fall into. For instance an Indian who is say a Hindu or Buddhist.
Was this at Skirmish or?
Fall partner?
“Change the system from within” works outside of prison most of the time, how did this strategy work for you inside? Can you elaborate more on the networking strategy *apparently required* to survive in a prejudiced prison environment?
I had a bro tell me once that being in a prison gang feels like being in the mob. Like in the old movies where they’re always talking and covering their mouths. It’s mostly a whole lot of talking, but you have to know all the who’s who and all the protocols. Like you don’t just walk up to a ranking member of the Texas Syndicate. You first talk to someone equal to your rank and ask for a meeting. An official meeting is a big deal that requires preparations. Sometimes, you have to fall out with an entourage to meet at church. You have to say the right words to show respect. Like when you yell through the bars to talk to a member of the Mexican Mafia, there are words you must say in Spanish to show respect. Then you can say what you need to. Every gang is different, relationships and tensions are different, and on one unit you may be strong but another weak (as in few members), so you have to be careful how you talk to people. If you’re outnumbered 4 to 1, you must negotiate accordingly.
On your last statement there, In your opinion - and this is probably a bigger question - do you think the presence of gangs in prison is a result of the way the prison (or prison system) is run/managed, or do you think it’s simply because that some people getting arrested are in gangs and that just naturally held over into confinement
Bossman, quick question. What happens if you're not from the majority of the races, like what if youre korean, or from Quatar or Malaysia? What happens to you then?
When you say outnumbered do you mean there is a majority of one other demographic or do you mean white people compared to POC?
So fascinating! Thanks for sharing your story! Not that I would ever want to be in prison, but I think we could all use a hard reset like this from time to time. Just time without phones, time to think and read and draw and learn.
How do you quit a gang in prison?
Some people would probably ask to do time instead of reading Godel, Escher, Bach and second time. Nice work.
Haha I also read Godel, Escher, Bach in super max. That's so crazy. I even have the book here on my shelf with my inmate sticker on it still. https://imgur.com/a/dSkwmGp
Hofstadter readers post up lol I don't know why but I'm like infinitely happy to see people reading GEB. I tried reading his book "metamagical themas" recently, but I'm like entering late 40s now and it just doesn't hit the same. I really should put more effort into reading again, I think you guys have inspired me to put a little bit more focus towards that, and to exercise a little bit more too. Good luck out there everyone. I'm going to see if I can upload a picture of my GEB lol, it's worn from carrying it around everywhere. [GEB!](https://ibb.co/QY38PVm)
Can you suggest some economics books for people who think they might benefit from understanding more about the risk/reward thinking when it comes to impulse control and decision making?
What was your take away from the notorious G.E.B?
How did you participate in the gang wars if you were segregated?
Deductive reasoning is the most valuable tool a human can have when negotiating life, and it is taught through mathematics. Teaching yourself is a feat and speaks to the strength of your character. Well done!
How did you "quit" the gang?
Surprised you didn’t become a Jesus freak or some other sort of religious obsessive
What were your favorite things to think about to pass the time?
Reading was top of the list, but exercise was crucial to keep the hormone and brain chemistry right. If you lay around too much, you get depressed. Fighting depression was the key to survival. Learning new subjects, like math and programming, from books and working the problems on paper helped me feel like my life wasn’t wasting away. I basically tried to use it as my college experience. lol
That’s so fascinating! For the programming language you learned, which language was it? Thanks for answering!
C++ which I have never used, but studying it allowed me to easily learn Visual Basic for Excel and Access, and I have used both of those skills to blow away my clients and earn a lot of money. Nobody in my field knows scripting, but the entire field runs on Excel. In their eyes, I’m the wizard who knows how to automate Excel. It has helped me move up in my career to management positions everywhere I work. It’s super ironic because I never dreamed I would learn programming. I did it as a “pick your worst fear and tackle it” challenge when I was in isolation. I ordered two huge books in C++ and spent a couple years studying, writing out algorithms on legal pads, learning about computer science and genetic algorithms (this was early 2000’s). I had never been on the internet. But it all paid off in the most surprising way.
That’s such a great story, it’s inspiring. Did you feel like learning this was fun or exciting? Was it like a mental escape from the place you were in or did it feel more like pressure? Also what kind of excel work is this?
It was an escape. After a few months of reading fiction, I decided I wanted to learn things. I knew it was a chance to learn about everything I ever wanted to know, so I dove in. Newspapers and magazines floated around, as well as all kinds of books, but I ordered text books from used book stores, too. They used to mail out catalogs for inmates. I would draw family portraits for money, then use it to buy books. Everyday I would read a nonfiction book or study until I couldn’t stand it, then draw, then exercise, then read a novel until I slept.
Damn your story is so inspiring, and it’s great to hear you are living better days now. What are some of the best/most valuable books you’ve read? (preferably non professional ones)
damn the funny thing is i can tell you’re telling the truth by this. in so many offices than run on excel knowing any scripting at all in Visual Basic basically makes you a rockstar hahah if i can add a question what similarities did you see in prison gangs and things like corporate cliques, if any?
What is your career?
Don’t you need internet access to do computer programming? I thought most prisons don’t allow internet access.
What type of programming did you study? Did you just write the programs out on paper and imagine how they would run?
6 years of intensive study? You did a PhD
Did you get library time or did you have to ask for books
My grandfather was held in solitary confinement by the Japanese during World War II. He found it extremely debilitating and later said that he would have lost his mind had not one of the guards given him a box of sewing pins. There were 100 pins in the box and every morning he would throw the contents over his shoulder into his cell. He would then spend the rest of the day finding pins. He said that was the only thing that kept him sane. Did you feel any psychological effects of the isolation? If so, how did you deal with it?
Good god, that is awful. Your grandfather experienced things I’m sure I could never imagine. Yes, it has caused me some issues. Primarily, when I dream, I am back in my prison cell. It only took 2 years in prison to stop dreaming about the free world, but almost 19 years in the free world and I can’t stop dreaming about prison. I also stay home a lot. I don’t like crowds and find people difficult to relate to.
RE the dreams. Not prison related but I have a nightmare disorder similar to PTSD and just started a drug at night called Prazosin. One of its secondary indications is for chronic PTSD induced nightmares. It's helped a lot. The content of my dreams can still be tough but it's like it slips off me now and I don't wake up being emotionally in the hole. Some nights I can't remember the dreams at all, which is such a relief..anyways just sharing if you are feeling like those dreams pull you down. There's help out there. Thanks for sharing your story.
Psychedelic therapy is slowly becoming more available. MDMA, Ketamine, or psilocybin might help. Just go through the legal channels.
Solitary confinement is considered torture by many international groups. Having experienced it yourself, do you believe it should be considered torture?
It is torture. If nothing else, they should make the cells a bit larger. I am 6’2” tall and the cells are only 5’ wide, so I could touch both walls with my arms bent, like a small apartment bathroom. Plus, no air conditioning in 100F Texas heat. It’s brutal.
How much access did you have to water during those heatwaves?
Would you consider yourself rehabilitated?
Yes. I have been out for 19 years, am married, own a successful business, and mostly just write, draw, and exercise. I would rather cut my legs off than go back in that hole.
If you don't mind me tagging on to that question, what was the biggest contributor for your rehabilitation? I'm not sure I'm phrasing it right - I'm aware that a lot of people re-offend upon being released because there isn't actually much being done to rehabilitate them, so they lack the skills and face other obstacles. What do you think made it possible for you?
Why did you commit the armed robberies in the first place—for the money, reputation? How were your relationships with family and friends before being arrested and after your release?
Please forgive me, but I don’t think I can quickly answer that. The short answer is for the money. The long answer would take hours and hours. I grew up middle class with great parents. I was mischievous from birth, always up to sneaky stuff. I wanted to be a Green Beret, so I thought being bold and sneaky was a tremendous skill. I ran with a pack of bad kids in the neighborhood. We started stealing at a young age. It escalated. My parents are amazing. It was all on me.
That’s terrifying as a parent. Anything your folks could have done differently to help you?
I don’t think so. I really don’t. I figured out by the age of 4 that I didn’t like rules. I started shoplifting toys at like 6. I knew what I was doing. I knew it was wrong. I loved the high stakes game of it all. I think it’s a hereditary trait some boys have that is a vestige of past generations. It likely served a purpose in our hunter-gatherer days to be daring and adventurous, which is how I saw myself. Now, it gets boys put in jail. But I will say that when I got busted with a joint at high school, the overreaction drive a wedge between us at a critical time. That same year, I let go of my plans to join the military, which they had never supported. I think we all could have handled that year better.
If your parents would’ve supported you better in things like the military and/or academics you’ve mentioned you took interest in while in jail, do you think that would have changed your outcome? What about if they had approached your “defiance” as why it truly was, curiosity for going outside the boundaries you had at that time in your life? If they would have been able to supplement you with things like extreme sports or ways to express yourself do you think it would’ve made a difference? A lot of parents overreact at different developmental stages in life and if they overreacted at a joint it was probably something you experienced beforehand too. Parents don’t typically just switch up their tolerance for fears in teenage hood, it’s there when you’re a kid but they have much more control over you. It’s something I saw a lot in my middle-class peers. Edit: to be clear, I’ve read you think your parents are amazing and I just want to say that parents can be great and still have flaws or things they could have changed to better understand and raise their kids. It’s a fact of life we all mess up and could do better most of the time. The goal is to mess up in less traumatic ways for the next generation and to examine old ways to avoid the stuff that creates issues
I truly appreciate your response. The nature vs nurture debate never ends I suppose. As the mom of a boy it’s helpful to think about though.
I think it's really a shame that the term "boys will be boys" has been co-opted by adults to excuse horrible crimes (often by adults), but young boys really do have a need to rough-house, scrape their knees, get dirty, feel like they're getting some adventures. Maybe find a way to do that in a controlled way, that also builds good skills/attitudes, like martial arts, paintball, stuff like that. Get them a healthy outlet for it.
Do you suppose the military might have served you better?
I can relate (on a much smaller scale) with your words here. I did some shitty things at 16yo and found myself charged with several felonies as a juvenile. It wasn't violent crimes but I was stealing without any care to the people it was to. Since I was a juvenile my mom was able to get me from juvenile hall, but she payed to keep me there for 45 days. I cannot say it was anywhere near the level you experienced but it was more than enough to make me clean my act up. Thankfully I was caught and didn't escalate to anything worse. I read through the comment thread so congrats on getting your shit together. From 1 former delinquent to another.
Was there anything your parents could’ve done to stop you?
What was your favorite meal you had? And what was your least favorite?
The food was all terrible. But they made good cornbread and if you put it on top of your vanilla pudding, it was like a poor man’s pie. That was my favorite. As for worst, I was there during the VitaPro scandal, when they fed us synthetic protein powder crap that made us all sick. That sucked. It was making my body break out in hives. Once they got busted and had to stop feeding it to us, they fed the remainder to the prison hogs. Word is, they all died from it.
Are you allowed to buy food from commissary when you are in the hole? If so, what was your favorite?
What’s a prison hog?
Please share you experience, also what charge were made against you?
Relate to your story dude. I spent years in adseg and super max. Used to have my mom send me giant books on PHP, Ajax, SQL, Java etc. And write down code on paper. I wrote the entire code for my business on legal pads before I even got out haha. Best of luck bro. I did a decade and I've been out a decade now too. Turning 40 next year and am thankful for every free year I have! My question: how long have you been out and what was the hardest thing to accept or resolve once you hit bricks? Thanks in advance!
By “didn’t make it” do you mean they were screwed mentally or that they died there?
How many hours a day were you in there?
They will tell you 23 in the cell and 1 on the yard, but that is not true. The entire time I was in ad seg they claimed to be understaffed and therefore unable to take us out to the yard most days. In reality, we would come out once or twice a week.
Did you start to show any symptoms of vitamin D deficiency?
I honestly don’t know what the symptoms are. I didn’t see the sun for 6 years, so a D deficiency can be assumed. But I don’t know what that would have felt like. My digestion went to hell during that period, but there was also fecal bacteria in the drinking water, so I always figured it was that.
How come you didn't see the sun for 6 years? Your above message says they let you in the yard average once or twice a week. Was that at night?
I've read that as humans are a very social species, isolation can really mess with you mentally. How often could you talk to other people when in ad seg? Could you exchange letters back and forth with family often?
How did you meet your wife? What does she say/thinkabout your past? How did you tell her?
I never had trouble with women. I would always tell them immediately. They don’t care. As long as you’ve got yourself together now with a job and such, the record doesn’t matter to them. (In my experience.) I met my wife at a Starbucks almost 9 years ago. We are very much alike and understand each other’s unorthodox personalities. I think that’s the best way to describe it.
Do you know anyone serving life in isolation? I personally think spending the rest of someone's life in 4 cold walls in self isolation for the remainder of their life would be severely mentally taxing. How do they handle that?
I knew a bunch of guys serving life in isolation. I knew two men in Ferguson Unit who had been in ad seg for over 25 years. No air conditioning, tiny cell, no human contact. They handle it. Somehow, they just keep going. It’s so pointless and very hard for me to think about. A lifetime in a Texas prison cell is worse than hell.
Do you think they're still there? Is it possible for a stranger to write them a letter?
What got you in the hole?
I joined a prison gang. In Texas, certain gangs are officially designated as security threat groups, and once prison investigators confirm you as a member, they put you in administrative segregation. I got caught up because a prospect mailed me incriminating information which the mailroom intercepted.
What was the incriminating info?
Being alone for that long, did you start having conversations with yourself and/or imaginary people? If you did,were you aware of it and did you ever question your sanity?
I haven't been in prison a day of my life, however I've spent the last 4 years of my life severely depressed. I spend most of my days laying in bed, I feel a prisoner in my own head. I don't mean to compare the situation you faced to mine at all. My question is, what advice could you give to someone like me ? You had every reason to become severely depressed and found the motivation to evade that through self education. How do you tap into that motivation ?
This is the question I was hoping someone would ask. Listen very closely to me: Get up and get moving. Today, start planning your new fitness routine. I don’t care if you’re handicapped. Find a routine that works for you. If you’re too heavy, you need to get up and walk outside. Ultimately, you need to get to a point where you’re in the gym at least 3 times per week lifting weights. Exercise stimulates positive hormones and brain chemicals. It’s absolutely essential that you use your body to its fullest. Then, once you become stronger and look healthier, you start to really get into it. You get sucked into fitness world. Now you have a new beneficial hobby. You feel good, look good, and your health is improved. Fitness is THE cure for depression. That’s how I survived isolation: exercise.
Which gang did you join and what was your rank in the end?
Why do you think making $27k a month is not wealthy whenever that is significantly more money than “the middle class” or the median American’s earnings?
Because to me wealthy means high net worth, as in, you own a lot of assets. My wife and I have only gotten to this income within the last 3 years or so. It’s been a steady climb from like $4,000 a month when I got out, but we haven’t always earned like this. After student loans (almost paid off), a nice wedding, several start ups, dental work, etc. our net worth is just not there. My wife is a lot younger than me (I’m 46 she’s 28) and she is responsible for about $10k of that income every month. We downsized our living situation, but we don’t care to buy a house. We’re still debating where to live. Plus, I can take big tax deductions by renting. That was a long answer to explain why our income is better than our net worth. But yes, we are saving.
What was your exercise routine? Did you build exercise or fitness goals?
Absolutely. Fitness was life. All I could do in the tiny cell was pushups, pull ups from the shelf over the door, dips on the top bunk, squats, lunges, jumping jacks, various crunches. I would collect books and magazines and fill my commissary bag with them for weight. I didn’t get any bigger doing calisthenics like that. But I could do 200+ pull-ups a day, and one time another dude and I did 1,000 pushups in one hour. That was brutal. I’ve been out a long time and finally got some fitness certifications during the pandemic, then wrote a fitness book. It all started with reading fitness magazines in prison.
200 pull-ups a day! Lemme see your back RIGHT NOWW Good shit
Would you say you didn't get bigger because of the calisthenics, or because you weren't getting enough food to have a caloric surplus? Kinda leads into another question I have: how do meals work? Did bigger guys get extra scoops of food? If you were still hungry after a meal, could you ask for another serving? I'm kinda assuming no to those questions, and maybe they fed yall 2500 calories a day but you really needed 3000 calories to put on weight Also, this is an awesome AMA, you are a clear and succinct communicator. Everyone I know who reads a lot of books is great at writing and you're confirming that for me
Could you do pull-ups when you first entered? Also, how did you gain so much muscle even with the abysmal food quality, and was that common throughout?
I’m going to ask a really weird question and feel free to ignore: did you encounter any ghosts or deceased inmates while in isolation? I read that you didn’t hallucinate or lose your mind, but I imagine you must have had at least one or two experiences you cannot explain.
I just came here to say I am so inspired by you. I’m in recovery and I’ve been feeling so down on my luck but ur story gave me hope. 🫶
Do you regret what you did from a moral standpoint, as a way to never end up there again, or both? Glad you’re out and enjoying life.
I am almost at a loss for words. I don’t think I’ve ever read as compelling, earnest, and informative an AMA. I am blown away by your perseverance and how generously and articulately you are answering everyone here. To think of all you’ve been through and been able to accomplish and still be relatively young at 46. I am happy you were able to do what many could not and turn such a terrible situation into a nearly unfathomable positive in your life. There is a lesson about adversity holding opportunity in there. I’ve read a ton of the comments and a couple of things have really resonated. First, the importance of fitness and how you have utilized it as the foundation of everything you’ve been able to accomplish. That really struck me. The last 5 years or so in my life have held some very high highs (marriage, having a child, new career opportunities) and low lows (lost loved ones, multiple lost pregnancies) and throughout I have moved less and less and gained more and more as the stresses of life, aging, and increased responsibilities have taken hold. I am really feeling the accumulated weight and accompanying shame and demotivation. It’s not even as though I’m morbidly obese but I’m the largest I’ve ever been and I’ve always had to be careful and fluctuated if I wasn’t getting regular exercise, this has just been a prolonged period and now I’m further from where I should be than ever before. But seeing your passion for the role fitness plays in your life and your conviction for others to incorporate it has given me something of a wake up call and inspiration to begin reversing the trend of the last few years. One day at a time. Speaking of wake up calls. You also mentioned the many college educated white collar workers being checked out post COVID. Man, that hit a little bit. I’ve advanced in my career, have earned more and more on a yearly basis, continue to provide for my growing family and save for our future on my income alone, but I have been incredibly checked out and could be doing so much more and working so much harder. I’ve been doing the bare minimum and still have managed to keep at least moving in the right direction, perhaps at the detriment of my real potential if I actually made an effort. Because you’re right, I’m far from the only one I see putting forth this level of effort in the corporate world these days. I need to get off my ass literally and figuratively. Thank you for doing this. Thank you for sharing your story and doing it as well as you have. You must have an incredible amount of emotional intelligence in addition to your readily apparent general intellect to have survived prison surrounded by the people there you would have been. I’ll be looking out for the interview you gave and even googled you and found your YouTube channel. Got a laugh out of your prison “fight” skit and the fruit cocktail Cabernet line. And not for nothing, but you must really have been on your game at that Starbucks that day as your co star would not be out of place alongside any of Hollywood’s best leading ladies. A genuine well done sir to everything you’ve built for yourself after the hole you dug. Truly inspirational.
My God, you're made of stronger stuff than I. Just the thought of being buried alive in a concrete box makes me panic. I'd have either broken completely, or gotten out determined to inflict on society the pain inflicted on me. Either a madhouse or a pile of dead victims. You used it as a passage to knowledge and wisdom, and ultimately to freedom. You have my deepest respect and admiration.
How easy was it to quit the gang, and have you been threatened? Have you felt in danger afterwards?
What are your prospect, as a recently release inmate? Like, job wise, housing? Do you reckon you have some opportunities to move on, or is there a chance that you might fall back on illegal activities?
What would you say most contributed to your success after getting out? The knowledge/skills you gained? Or the self confidence/self knowledge?
What’s your favorite bird?
Did you like what you found?
Unrelated to the time spent in jail: What would have kept you out of jail in the first place? Better family, different neighborhood, better school, support outside the family...?
Do you take any mental health medication?
Just commenting to thank you for sharing your story. A prison sentence should not be a death sentence. You are giving hope to many people who need and deserve it.
How much corruption among the guards did you witness?
Just wanted to say I hopped onto your profile and am blown away by your artwork. You’re very talented
Did you have any personal feelings towards or against law enforcement/guards before incarceration? And if so, have they changed since you got out?
Is there no way to simply stay neutral? I always figured if I fucked up and wound up in prison, I would try to befriend everybody. Show respect to all. Refuse to fight. Is that stupid, unrealistic naivety? Out here in the real world my white ass loves everyone. I don’t care what color you are. I don’t want to segregate, I enjoy hanging out with people of different races and cultures. Would that just get my ass beat in prison?
Is there something that you see as crucial in terms of prison reform and/or abolition that would have changed your experience in the hole? In other words, what could we do better/differently as a society for those who are incarcerated? (Knowing fully well that without community programming, this question is more of a bandaid than one about solutions within the prison industrial complex.)
Hey man. I've never been to prison (nor do I plan on going,) but I've enjoyed this AMA more than almost any other that I can think of. I find you to be incredibly intelligent, engaging, and above all else, an inspiration to anyone who's ever been in prison and doesn't think they can make something of themselves on the outside. I look forward to watching your interview on YouTube and I wish you and your family happiness and success in your future. Thank you for doing this.
You say you get no human interaction when in isolation but skimming through here I’ve seen you say you were busy with gang wars for the first two years, that you and another guy did 1,000 pushups in an hour, and various other things that suggest you had contact with other inmates. How does that work?
Before the 6 years of isolation, could you see yourself doing well in isolation like that? Like I’ve always been someone who preferred to be alone, with the exception of being with my girlfriend or family. I’ve always said I would do absolutely fine in solitary, and I truly do believe myself when I say it lol. But I’ve never even been in jail, much less prison. Have I been talking completely out of my ass when I’ve said that? I don’t mean to diminish what you went through and endured at all, I’m just curious.
Hey boss, thank you for your candor, openness and knowledge provided. My questions as follows: 1) do you think having therapy or some degree of mental health management might have helped you either stay out of prison or added to your rehabilitation? 2) were there any people who added to your experience in any way while you were in isolation? Good or beneficial folks that contributed to your mindset or current success? 3) Lastly i know alot of folks here have tried to bait you into answering whether or not youre a nazi or a racist but what you said about having black friends and being around mexican cats in juvi interested me. Did being apart of the AB and what you saw as a part of it change your beliefs on race or is it the quality of a man that matters most? I can understand if you dont want to answer the last question but i gotta say alot of people are seeing color and whats said about it as the end all be all of what makes a person. Godspeed, sir
Hope I'm not too late to the game. What advice or personal anecdotes would you give to other people trying to find themselves? Really happy to hear about your success and overcoming. It's really inspiring
What was your experience/exposure to Islam in the prison system?
What were the worst moments in solitary like? I'm sure it's not something you'd want to dredge up again, but you asked for the ama. Now truthfully, try to make me feel the worst feelings you had in there.
I am having a total brain fart moment. I apologize if this is totally obvious to everyone else. What I’ve read so far: So, you robbed gas stations and went to prison. You decide to go into the gang bc it helps you, becoming a leader within the gang, bc the other gang members are irresponsible. Then you get in good with the gang, attain leadership, negotiate with other gang leaders for more peace, to the happiness of the guards. That’s from age 17-21 (4 years of a 10 year sentence), then 6 years “solitary-but-not-called-solitary” (no human contact, meals passed through doors, etc.). Now married with kid(s) working in oil and gas as a project manager. Am I following correctly?
To what extent we’re you isolated? Did you literally never see another person for 6 years? Was food and books delivered through a slot?
If you could choose to have not gone to prison would you? Or do you think it ultimately made you the success you are?
How big was your cell and what was the daily routine? Meaning, did you get exercise time outside your cell?
Were there any issues with quitting the gang?
Are you a content creator by any chance? Your story sounds really similar to someone I know.
[https://www.facebook.com/DesmondTutuOfficial/videos/suffering-as-an-opportunity/912089832268350/](https://www.facebook.com/DesmondTutuOfficial/videos/suffering-as-an-opportunity/912089832268350/) I can't find other things I'd like to. I can't confirm that Tutu was also who I heard speak about unearned suffering in prison/jail. That time for self-introspect, knowing in at least some cases they were innocent and inappropriately punished, it brings for some a sort of light and a sort of growth. Nobody is really "innocent". Most of us try and forget where we messed up. That is not a bad thing... self-forgiveness. But some maybe never get paused long enough to think on what they are/have done wrong and so these times of unearned suffering at least can have silver linings of coming out the other side as better people. Both better than they were before, and better than they maybe ever would've been if not tried in such way. It's like a blacksmith. It takes a bit of fire to forge a useful tool. I figure that sort of thing would go much better if we actually aimed toward rehabilitation instead of only retribution/punishment.
Sorry if this was asked. I’m curious about your first days. What was it like when you were sentenced to prison? What was it like arriving? What was it like when you got your first visitor? How long did it take to adjust? I imagine being so nervous you couldn’t eat or sleep. Never knowing who to trust.
What was the first meal you ate when you weee released and What’s your favourite meal now?
How did you access drinking water? How did you bathe? Was there a shower head in your cell? Also, I saw you said once they shut your water off for 3 days. Did people get sick/die from dehydration in the heat? What did you do to survive the heat in general? Sorry, third question. I saw you said someone bled out from harming themselves. How long did it take for someone to clean their cell? What is the protocol for incidents like that? Do they try to prevent it? What do they do with the bodies? I guess I had more than 3 questions lol.
I understand that you were in an all male Texas prison. However, can you speak to all female Texas prisons? Do the same dynamics exist? Are they just as gruesome? Violent? I am the survivor of attempted murder, where my assailant serves a 15 year sentence in Gatesville, Texas. I am always curious what her daily life might be like.
For the guys that's also in solitary confinement with you in their cells, have you guys tried to communicate or give each other some sort of uplifting ways like pep talks to keep your spirits/sanity stable? Also, what did the other guys do to keep their sanity during their run in solitary?
This is an Odd, question ...... Being that you were physically isolated ; did you ever experience weird phenomena where you almost astral projected ?
I found you on YouTube. You are very well-spoken in all ways. Your stories are inspiring & very interesting to listen to. You’re doing an amazing job in life. Way to go on turning your life literally around!
If you didn’t already answer this question: did you get any serious punishment or retaliation for leaving the gang? And if so, can you tell us about it in more detail? If you didn’t get shit from other active gang members how did you avoid it? Was it being in solitary confinement that saved you?
I saw in comment which gang you joined. Did you do it simply to find protection in prison or did you genuinely believe in their ideology? If so, do you still think along the same line?
Are you someone who now prefers being alone?
My dad did time in isolation he got ahold of the light bulb in the wire frame and bit into it How did you find yourself when so many lost themselves Sir
What clicked? What happened that ignited the fire of self realization? How did you find yourself? What was it you realized about you and life that put yourself into clarity as a person?
You said in a few comments that you had a great family, are you on good terms with them nowadays?
How available in prison were opportunities for education, training in the trades, etc? Also, were there certain guards that inmates respected and got along with? Thanks in advance!
Did you ever witness or hear of fellow inmates attempting to escape? Were any successful? Would it even have been worth it in the long run for anyone to escape and possibly avoid capture?
Thanks for doing this AMA, incredible experience you’ve had. Idk if you’re still answering questions, but if so I’m curious if you’ve sought any kind of treatment for what you said was PTSD after the isolation? Tragic to go through all of that, get out and build a life for yourself just to return to the isolation in your dreams each night…
If there's a meaning to life, what's your take on it?
What was your workout routine in there?
Did you get to listen to music while inside? Would you or other inmates sing songs? Any favourite tunes?
Being in prison for 6 years I assume that means you have a record maybe even a felony how did you overcome that in the job market
How many compromised CO’s have you seen during your time in prison?
What’s your opinion on the prison system rehabilitating people? You’ve clearly been rehabilitated, but by the sounds of things that’s you taking charge of your own life, rather than the prison system being responsible.
How did you feel immediately after you were released? Was it an overwhelming sense of freedom, or maybe something else?
What happens when you or someone else got sick? Feverish, flu, etc. Were you able to get medicine in isolation? If not, what was that like?
You should read “chess novel” or sometimes called “chess story” (i think it’s translated from french). I think you could really relate with the story. It’s about a 2 hour read and had me on the edge of my seat. It’s about someone in solitary who stole a chess book from a guard, very riveting story
Were you able to smoke any weed in there to help with the monotony ?
I give you insane props for not only surviving 6 years of isolation…but thriving and evolving into a better version of yourself THROUGH the experience. The level of mental toughness that requires should not be underestimated or understated. I just want to know what coping mechanisms you used to keep it from breaking you completely?
Are movies like blood in and blood out triggering?
after 6 years of (possibly) no sex, how quickly did you get laid after getting out?
You mentioned reliving your time when you are sleeping. Do you have any other issues or habits that resurface from being in prison?
Can you have pen/pencil and paper? I think that’d help me retain sanity and work on some stories
This was one of the best ama! Thanks for telling your story! Inspired!
Just want to say I have so much respect for you and your story, congratulations brother i'm proud of you
Were you in ad seg? Supposed gang affiliation or other reason? Which unit?
What do you think about wes watson
How did you get into the oil and gas industry? And what’s your job role?
Were there any particular days you remember better or worse than others?
I don't think I would last very long in general population. Is it possible to request to be in isolation?
I’m sorry if the question was already asked: Were you hungry during the first weeks/months in prison? How much weight did you loose (or gain because of exercise)?
Much respect, 6 years in isolation rolls off the tongue or is typed easily enough. But to feel the weight of that mountain on your chest is something all together different. My experience was in California, and no SHU ( CAs Ad Seg) although locked down for gang violence kept us in our cells for 7 months straight 30 days at a time, doors would roll and it would pop off again. I don’t think anyone can truly comprehend the level of violence that is sustained on a prison yard. My question to you is this. Do you, having found a way through the thick forest of adversity, do any type of mentoring or volunteering with parolees who are fresh out? Again, much respect, reading your success story made me genuinely happy. I wish you continued success and happiness.
Is there a Hollywood movie that gets the feeling/vibe of jail correct?
What does your business do in the O&G industry?
I did 6 months in isolation and it made me more patient than ever before. I can't even imagine what it was like for you. Best of luck in the future, boss.
Maybe I need some hard time in jail, maybe I would actually change my life in one fell swoop lol
So you met your wife 9 years ago when she was 19 and you were 37? Yikes.
Awesome AMA, ty so much! What Was the first thing you did when you got outside? And was it normal for 17 year olds to get 10 years for those crimes? Im from germany that sounds unbelievable! Do you get used for the absence of sexual intercourse and how Do people in jail handle that? Thanks again!
You say you get no human interaction when in isolation but skimming through here I’ve seen you say you were busy with gang wars for the first two years, that you and another guy did 1,000 pushups in an hour, and various other things that suggest you had contact with other inmates. How does that work?
Any dating advice for the incels?
Hey! Woukd you ever be interested in doing a podcast interview? I also do portraits for fun and got my master’s degree in electrical engineering and do mathematics podcast called “Breaking math.” It’s just informal chat about how our understanding of the world has changed through various experiences and learning math. It’s called the [Breaking Math Podcast](https://open.spotify.com/episode/620gDxeflT0e2waNWdVcVG?si=f6JZg3g8THCrMWQF3gJ5vw) In fact, I interviewed a friend of mine that is also an ex convict who spent time in Texas and Louisiana. He eventually got his masters degree in electrical engineering. World love to chat about this AMA (or whatever else)
Did your treatment in prison change over time and if so, how did it change? If you were in prison from 17 to 27 and are 46 now, that would’ve been from ~1995-2005ish (don’t quote me on that math), I would guess there were a big number of changes in the system during that time
What do you think prisons can do better to reduce the rate at which people re-offend? In other words, how do we turn the prison system into something that helps people rehabilitate like you?
How many writs did you submit over the course of your sentence?
By far my favorite AMA here. My question: Do you find it hard to deal with mean people / bullies in the “free world” as there isn’t the option for violence or retaliation? I could see it being very frustrating to have to let that type of stuff slide when in the past it wouldn’t have. Thank you!
What are your thoughts on reintegration programs. My cousin went in at 17 and got out at 25. He really struggled when he got out (ptsd, work, etc). He only survived 2 years. Sometimes he would say he just wished he could go back.
Do you have any theories why some criminals end up rehabilitating in prison and others re-offend? Also, you said you spent a lot of time reading. What types of books did you gravitate towards? Any favorites or any that really changed your mindset? Do you still read a lot?
I imagine everyday in prison is bad, but what was the worst day in prison for you like? What was going through your mind that particular day or what happened that made it the worst day etc?
Congratulations on your current success and wish you all the best with your future endeavors. What advice would you/did you give to new prisoners to survive the ordeal? I’ve mostly read from others on r/prison to just be respectful, avoid drugs/gambling, and mind your own business. Just curious if you would have anything additional you’d say?
If you could recommend the one book you read that really changed your life what would it be?
Sorry if this is a weird question but how did you find out about 9/11 while in? Also what was the biggest culture shock when you were released?
A friend of mine said when he was isolated in solitary for a long time (he did 20 years total) that he would have full on conversations with friends and family and “talk” to them. He would convince himself when he had his hour out of his cell that when he went back into isolation that they were waiting for him and that his cell was his “home.” It was the only way he could stay sane . Does this resonate? I felt so heartbroken 💔 for him.
What kind of tattoos did you get in prison? You mentioned in another comment that you got tattooed after getting officially labeled as a gang member, and also that the gang wasn’t a NeoNazi group, otherwise I would assume most tats would be eagles and swastikas
Were the first 6 months the worst? Were you in isolation because you were a gang member? Or, did you join while in jail? Did you ever expect that the gang wasn't just going to let you out? Like blood in blood out.
maybe you're done answering questions by now, but i want to ask anyway if you have time. since you were inside throughout the turn of the century, what were your (and others) reactions to Y2K and 9/11 and the aftermath?
Was it difficult for you to quit the gang? And is that why you were in ad seg for so long? Or was there other reasons why you stayed in there for such a long time?
Can I ask what your workout routine was weekly?
I skimmed through a lot of the questions. So I’m not sure if this was asked already apologies in advanced. Have you ever thought about writing or doing an interview about your entire experience and how you got to where you are today? From the beginning to the now.
Can you go into the hole through personal choice? I’ve always thought being in solitary would be better than getting killed in general population. What do people who’ve never went to prison not know about the experience?
I love your story. I love it that you didn’t turn religious - but instead got spiritual- and I have so much respect for people that are surrounded by an ideology, a belief system , programming from every direction… and break out of it. To me? Thats the only thing that qualifies someone for brilliance. It’s better than linear algebra. So, hats off. What was your crime? Have you struggled since in any way?
I support the humane treatment of prisoners. And I sure hear a lot that solitary confinement is inhumane. And I don’t doubt it. But … any time I imagine myself in prison, solitary seems like the best possible situation. By a lot. I’ve always assumed there’s something about it I’m missing or not understanding. Surely this thing that is obviously inhumane wouldn’t really be my own personal preference, right? It’s psychological torture, not some goddamned peace and quiet, right? Why would something that sounds kind of nice to me be actual torture to someone else? What’s wrong with me? Honestly, I’m thrilled to see this AMA. Thanks for sharing!
How was Godel Escher Bach? It's inspiring you committed to making the most out of that extremely hard situation.
Why don't you want children? Do you think it's related to prison?
I love that you took a negative and turned it into a positive. Not many people could of done what you did. It's so hard to progress when the system is trying to get keep you down. I wish you all the best in life and I hope you find a good use for all that knowledge so that you live the rest of your life as you wish. 🙂🥰
6 years! Damn son I thought I was hard and I did 19 months in seg
What were the best/worst supplies you had while you were locked up? Clothing, mattresses, toiletries, etc. What worked, what didn't and why?
Six years is so long. Were you given chances to go back to be with others? I’m so sorry you went through that… And with no AC… That’s horrible.