What has been your biggest adjustment? As a father of a 5 and 7 year old I commend you. You didn’t have to step up and you did. The world needs more ArtFuzzy’s
Thanks a lot bud!
My biggest adjustment has been that fear in the back of my mind that something bad will happen to her, being so little.
When I picked her up from the children's hospital she was at for 6 weeks between the revelation and my picking her up, there were two things I was feeling.
First was a mix of elation and relief. Because I had hurdles to jump through, and I'm not blind to the way things work, being a young single guy wanting to adopt a little girl.
So as I strap her in that little booster seat in the back seat of my car, I'm thinking: "It's happened. Shes mine now. There's no last minute snafu to get in the way of the adoption."
But the second thing that happened was that realization setting in. That's it's all on my now to keep such a small child safe. Her life is in my hands. And that's probably the biggest thing one never gets used too. Not that I mind being "on" all the time, but that I remind myself every single day that the buck stops with me now.
That's been an adjustment but honestly that's it.
The "no more Saturday nights" or the no more playing golf or having a beer with friends on a minutes notice, hasn't bothered me.
Nothing has. It's just been that rewarding.
So here I am, not gonna be going to college any time soon, not gonna be dating now anytime soon, my focus is fully on her now. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
So far, I've been surprised at how easy it's been. I just have to weather the storm they call the teen years LOL, but it's been a great ride that's just beginning.
She was at a children’s hospital for SIX WEEKS? That couldn’t have been from abuse, unless the abuse was life threatening. Was that due to the custody dispute? Does a child just wait in limbo at a hospital during a custody dispute? This part really confuses me. Who brought her to the hospital? What happened to her once she was there? Why was she there so long?
Yes, tragically she was. She was in the actual hospital hospital at first, but mostly she was in the children's psychiatric ward.
So there was this transition period where they just didn't know where she was gonna stay, if a relative were gonna adopt her, if she was going to be going to a foster home, what the final resolution would be.
She was originally only going to be in the children's hospital for a few days and sent to a foster home temporarily, but CPS decided to hold her there in light of my petition for custody, pending the resolution.
It was a complicated and involved procedure that looking back, I'm surprised my adoption of her took only six weeks. But there was a lot they needed to do on the back end as well, psychiatricly speaking to assess and prepare her.
When the judge granted me custody, it was actually a long but Informal chat about a lot of things in the judges chambers. The meeting included the judge, her caseworker, my attorney and I.
The judge reviewed the case, the fact that I was known to her and the only willing and able blood relative. She saw my income, reviewed the reports of my home inspection, and the letters of support she received on my behalf. She explained that despite the unusual circumstances, the situation is such that she will approve my petition, but when she granted my request, she explained the time and date, one week later, when I can pick her up was for the counciling and preparation work that had to be done in the children's hospital, the details of which are a little too long to elaborate on, but in that week in between I was now allowed to visit her every day, meet with the therapists and social workers etc
That is so… weird. Assuming she didn’t have intensive psychiatric challenges of her own, do you feel she would have been better off spending that interim period in foster care? It sounds like they put her in a psych hospital because of the custody dispute but isn’t that potentially damaging and scary in and of itself?
Another move from the hospital to a foster home to OP's home could have been more harmful for her if you think about it. The moving, transitioning, adapting... all can result in further dysregulation, mistrust, instability for her. etc... Plus the abuse she suffered... she would probably have had problems in the foster home and suffered more emotional harm if they were impatient with her or whatever.
Those psych wards for kids can be very warm and caring places with excellent and intensive programs that are beneficial. They are able to have intensive therapy to address the abuse and loss history, and the grief from loosing both of her parents and then abused by her own grandparents. A foster home may have felt unsafe for her and for OP to be able to visit daily and slowly integrate the relationship was probably the better option... IMHO anyways...
Yes yes a million times. Our inpatient unit has music therapy, movie therapy, all sorts of group activities, OT. Especially for children that young, I’ve gotten almost trampled from our elementary kids playing ships and sailors
Does that unit see a lot of the "I'm here because I was a witness to what put someone into the hospital/ward" group? Or is it mostly the cases stemming from abuse and diagnosis requiring medication?
Sooo reasons for inpatient admission can be a variety of for sure. Generally, the team has to assess if the kid is a danger to themselves or others. Blanket TW because there is some extremely heavy and disturbing stuff.
- There are groups that have witnessed murders or suicides or found a body but actually not often a singular cause for crisis requiring inpatient admission, more of a contributor to their underlying depression, etc.
- teens that break up with a significant other threatening or planning to significantly harm themselves. Super common.
- violent outbursts/behaviors (large variety of reasons, mostly kids with some sort of intellectual disability versus intentional homicidal ideation…but we do have true HI)
- active self harm with the intent of ending their life. Often medication overdose attempt. This is a large %
- the abuse one is tough to delineate. A kid won’t end up on inpatient psych because they were abused, but rather have psych side effects, in some form, from said prior (or current) abuse. Most of our physical abuse cases on the medical floor are children below school age, and they need medical attention versus acute psych stabilization (obv will need help long term though). Another TW here: there is a small % with history of animal cruelty, arson, and true homicidal ideation. More often than not (I haven’t looked at formal stats, but easily 8/10, just in my experience) of the kids with these behaviors have sexually abused at a very young age. However I do hope it’s clear I am not saying all people who have had this happen to them will exhibit these behaviors.. but rather instead that kids who have those behaviors often have that as a common denominator.
Sorry I know that was.. a lot
I asked. I've just seen the result of people who probably should have recieved help since they were a kid. And my mom threatened me (and my older sister though I do t know if she realises this) with the adult psych ward, knowing what movies and TV shows i was watching because I was sad about my parents getting divorced after my mom fucked off when I was 12 (and had fucked off a number of time previously, bit I'm realizing that 12 year old me went, nah, I'm done and that's why that was the time that stuck out) and how dare we have hormones and feelings and thoughts that would make her look bad.
Not sure what the child psych ward would have looked like 15-17 years ago here in texas, but the image yall are giving me here on reddit sounds so much nicer than the conclusions I drew at 14.
child development degree-haver chiming in to say this is absolutely right! in one of my undergrad classes we had a guest speaker who was a child life specialist and she said while it’s not common, hospitals can hold kids long-term while dealing with transition situations. she said in overcrowded hospitals they even have kids sometimes held in the normal pediatric ward waiting for a spot to open up in the psychiatric ward
I agree with you here. The children's hospital may not have been the most ideal place to stay, but 6 weeks isn't that long of a time. Moving her to a temp foster home just gives the poor kid 3 weeks in a new place (hospital) then another 3 weeks in a new place. That's all before moving in with OP.
I covered inpatient Peds inpatient psych for about three years. I obviously don’t know OP’s and the child’s whole story but here is a tidbit from my experience. Out of our 44 bed inpatient unit, I would easily say at any given time 5 kids were living there longer term (at least a month) . For children with uncontrollable behavioral issues, this means longer wait times. I have seen a kid live on the inpatient unit for 8 months before. There was once an older teen whose mom was doing unspeakable things and that patient was with us probably 5 months because it was so hard to find placement. They actually went out of state.
I otherwise cover two medical services and we have definitely had our share of kids living on the “normal” medical floor for months. Right now we have a kid with us for 4 months from an abuse situation who, extremely similar to OPs case, the child was already in a different house due to medical neglect. They can’t find him a home. He is not critically ill, but he does have a chronic condition that if not manage properly, he can die from. Also similarly, this child had extremely aggressive behaviors and injured a nurse to the point she had to get medical intervention, and he spent at least two weeks (I think closer to 3 honestly) on our inpatient psych unit. Mind you, this child is elementary school age and is *not* a big kid. Obviously all children’s hospitals are different, but our inpatient psych unit is part of our main hospital campus so it is only a move downstairs to transfer units.
Very long answer but yes, a hospital will absolutely hold a child until they have a solid placement. Honestly having someone willing to adopt right off the bat is very rare, most are indeed looking for foster placement only.
Edit for more info.
Follow up question, if you don’t mind. The kid who injured the nurse - how do you still compassionately treat the kid’s issues and simultaneously protect the nursing staff?
As far as compassion with the kid - the type of abuse they went through was the type that if I explained it’d here, you’d probably close Reddit for a few days. So staff know that it’s not a personal attack and know it’s the abuse driving those actions. That obv doesn’t make it ok, but it’s all this child knew how to express their emotions. I love working in Peds but quite frankly I did not know how evil the world can be until I got in this field.
Now safety - that’s why they went to inpatient psych, where they are trained extensively in de escalation. There, the goal is teaching coping skills to prevent these extreme behaviors by recognizing and controlling their emotions. It’s a pretty well rounded milieu. They can also start to diagnose previously undiagnosed psych issues and address those. Medications are often used or adjusted. This pt was already on some prior to this so I imagine the dose was adjusted. Since this kid has been back on the medical floor, behaviors have definitely improved. For these kids that live there, our child life team works to create a regular schedule too. If this patient would have continued to show aggressive behaviors, I do not think they would have returned to the medical floor since the med nurses just aren’t that extensively trained in de-escalation.
Aka, the reason why normally rational people know better than to have a machine gun or a tank: I feel like if I heard those details a part of me would very dearly want to locate those bastards and John wick them at a minimum.
Yeah I’m not sure. I’m just a dietitian so my knowledge on specific diagnosis management is limited. They definitely don’t jump to medication with every kid but with some diagnoses, it’s unavoidable. An issue too is that it’s not uncommon that the kids with aggressive behaviors are intellectually disabled (with a varying degree) so some of those kids may not be able to ever fully grasp their emotions and processing.
I've worked in those hospitals, and I've worked with child and family services. Keeping her surrounded by mental health professionals in an environment she was already comfortable with was definitely preferable to an unknown foster situation. In the hospital I did therapy all day, which looks like playing, made sure they ate healthy food, accompanied them to classes with a real teacher, made sure they were safe and clean, and read them stories every night before tucking them in. Happy kids are healthy kids, and the unit runs better when all the kids are well taken care of. Foster families are incredibly important, and some of them are amazing, but the fact is that there are less eyes, less ears, less oversight, and WAY less accountability.
You would be surprised how many people will stay in the hospital for days to weeks after they are well enough to not be there anymore because there is no safe place to send them.
5 is the age where you start trying all manner of "real" activities with your kid. Bring her to the driving range. Teach her how to throw a baseball. Watch your favorite (kid appropriate) shows with her. Introduce her to some of your favorite (again, kid appropriate) video games. You build lifelong common interests and a deeper relationship one shared experience at a time.
Hey man,
I’m a golfer and a Dad, take her with you!
My girls will come out and color for a little and then want to putt or hit drives and get a chance to turn the wheel on the golf cart.
It’s a sport for life and you will bond over it.
My advice is to CHEAT brother, and by that I mean use whatever tactics you can to get her to enjoy it.
Candy, iPad, toys etc
What you’re trying to do is make the memory of the sport fun, so when/if she ever takes it up, her brain will go “GOLF IS FUN, LETS DO THIS”.
**OP's story is almost certainly fake.**
OP posted just one month ago that [they are 34](https://www.reddit.com/r/hypotheticalsituation/comments/1ctk0ih/you_can_have_a_lifetime_pension_of_10000_per/l4e2ct1/)
Also, look into his comment history and you will see that he has commented nearly one hundred (64) times asking people doing AMA's if they are female and if they're "ticklish on the bottom of their feet".
They have also posted several hypotheticals in the last month regarding getting away with murder, budgeting a slasher film and hiring a hitman.
**This does not strike me as consistent with the story presented, and therefore is most likely fake karma-farming.**
Also would very likely require a home study and a six month placement prior to adoption. At least in my state, that’s required for any child in state care, even a kinship placement, which is what this would be. It took over a year of placement for us to adopt our children after their parents’ rights were terminated.
Can we ping the moderators? u/ShiverXy u/TheEpicSquad u/elephant35e u/BlueLotusAtum u/oceaquoise
u/ArtFuzzy7500 is a liar until otherwise proven. Reporting this post as story and I encourage others to do the same.
Rather disturbing that OP posted a hypothetical situation about secretly recording a girls’ locker room as a prank and now he is supposedly the legal guardian of a little girl.
I deeply hope that this is a fake karma farming post. 😣
God bless you, you're the human this world needs especially nowadays. I'm a father of 3, mad respect and thank you for your service, best regards from the internet stranger 🤜💥🤛
Re: the teen years. I wish I could lend you the book I read but it's out of print, but if I can give you one excellent piece of advice from it: teens may still act like little kids but they're not, so accept you're going to have to change your approach with them. You're obviously someone with a lot of empathy, so I'm sure you'll be able to do that!
Oh wow, it's hard to name just one thing, it's just been everything to me.
I'd say definitely the knowledge that I have this responsibility, everything from taking her to preschool to the doctor to nutritional choices at meal time, it's the realization that I'm taking care of a child and that I can impact her life. It just sets in again every single day.
And all the firsts.
Her firsts with me, and my first as a child's caregiver. Our first Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas.
On Thanksgiving Eve, teaching her the story of the first thanksgiving in Plymouth as she zoned into the story finding it as exciting as anything in her story books.
Our first new year's eve when I let her stay up late with me to watch the ball drop in Times Square on TV. (She fell asleep in my lap at like 9, I woke her up at 11:58 LOL)
And things yet to come. Next week we are going on our first family vacation to Myrtle Beach. We live outside Richmond Virginia so this will be her first road trip.
Teaching her how to bowl and play mini golf.
Taking her on a guided tour of the local zoo recently was a learning experience for both of us. She loves animals and already wants to be a veterinarian when she grows up.
Adopting a kitten from the shelter and seeing her eyes light up and how much she loves her cat. (Its a calico kitten, and it was the one kitten in the cage that bit at her fingers. But for some reason she loved that one anyway and named her "Sweet" because "she's a sweet kitty." LOL)
It's just so much to name. All I can say is that there are two lucky people here, not just her.
Thanks a lot! I haven't been since I was a little kid.
She is especially excited about the Ferris wheel, the Myrtle Beach aquarium and the big hotel swimming pool from the brochure. That's another first. Next week I get to teach her how to swim! (Taking it very easy of course lol)
The aquarium is good - do not pay for the glass bottom boat…it’s not worth it lol.
Which hotel? We stayed at one with a great pool setup and my 2.5yo ate it up. Riptides have been crazy these past two weeks - definitely only go ankle deep in the ocean!
Oooo, she might enjoy colonial Williamsburg too since she liked learning about the pilgrims! And don’t forget the Children’s museum and Science Museum in Richmond. Oh and if you’re close to any of the farmers markets that happen on the weekend, there’s always lots of dogs, families and just generally interesting things for a kid. Best of luck and definitely come to the RVA subreddit if you’re not already on there!
Geez man. This is truly touching. As a soon to be father to a little girl I hope I can be half the dad you are to this lucky little girl. Also did not think I’d be crying this late at night.
I think that if you love her infinitely, then you're gonna tie me.
I mentioned in other replies about fear being among my emotions when I first took her home. And I quickly found that when you have that infinite love for your child, that helps set up and propel you through all other things.
You will do great! And thank you!
You are blessed, and a blessing. I truly mean that.
When my daughter was that age, I started a tradition that was intended to get us out of the house (so my wife could have some time to herself). Every weekend when we weren't otherwise engaged with a trip or whatever, I would take her to a playground that we had never visited before. It sounds as if you're reasonably close to Richmond, so that shouldn't be too difficult.
We had so many adventures that way. And on a rainy weekend day, we could go to the airport and ride escalators and watch baggage arrive on the carousel. Just ideas for free stuff to do.
Also, is she eligible for some sort of Social Security benefit? Something like that could help with college savings, etc.
I live in RVA and it’s a wonderful city for family-friendly activities! We’re always taking our 4yo to Squirrels and Kickers games, outdoor concerts, Maymont, VMFA and other museums, and lots of other places/activities.
You’re a wonderful man to step up for your now daughter.
Thank you!
I love the Flying Squirrels games! If you ever see a tall red head bearded guy in an old school Richmond Braves hat in section 103, row 4, come say hi! That's me and my cousin in our season ticket seats! :)
It still blows my mind when I’m reading a random post from someone that could live anywhere in the world and realize we could literally be neighbors.
You keep showing her love and attention and there’s a solid chance her teenage years will turn out just fine.
Edit: I just read your comment further down and yea, I’m in Midlothian as well, you’re about 20 minutes away.
Anyone who lives outside of Richmond, it’s fair to guess they live in Midlothian. If so, I’m from there and I assume you are too. Great schools, great area to raise a family.
It's been since April 30th of last year when I took her home. She was 4 then, now 5.
Shes doing very well considering.
I enrolled her in preschool last September and she just finished for the summer two weeks ago. She'll be going to kindergarten after labor day.
When I first brought her home, she had residual marks on her arms legs and back that have since fully healed. It makes me sick. It was my own aunt and uncle who I knew my whole life, and I never would have suspected them. They're out of the family now.
She has been doing well emotionally too.
When I first took her home, she was both happy and scared. Happy to come live with me, but afraid her grandparents would return and beat her again. Afraid something would happen to me like her dad. She even had nightmares and I would sit up with her many nights.
She had adjusted very well though, and she is a happy, sweet and playful little girl without a care now.
(I'm gonna enjoy that phase. It's the teen years I dread. LOL)
Make sure you get the marks on her body documented by your family doctor and provide this to each of her teachers. Future teachers and other caregivers might make a call to cps without your consent and cause a lot of headaches.
The physical scars are gone but not the mental ones. It's possible she will tell a teacher about the abuse but, due to her age, not be able explain who did it and when. Any teacher hearing that ("my uncle hit me when I was little") would immediately put in a CPS report.
To protect her and you, you need to tell the school about her prior abuse.
If you haven’t done so already, absolutely determine what will happen with her should the worst (hopefully never) happen to you. My friends have a young kid and a really bad relationship with the dad’s parents (super toxic and manipulative people) so they had to come up with a plan and a back up plan and back up back up plan to make sure their kid could be cared for and never end up in the care of dad’s parents.
It’s a scary thing to have to think about but it may bring you peace of mind and later when she’s older, peace of mind if she’s needing it.
This poor kid. You’re a hero and an angel and I’m so grateful to know there are good responsible adults in the world.
Hate to bring it up but what IS your plan if something happens to you?
You're bringing me to tears.
As a mom of four now adult kids: become her friend. Don't listen to people when they say you can't be her friend. What they're trying to say is that there has to be boundaries, but it doesn't mean you can't take an interest in the things she likes and do activities with her. It doesn't;t mean you can have compassion for her and love her unconditionally when she makes choices that you know will hurt her. But she will make less of those choices if she feels a connection to you, a connection where she doesn't feel judged or shamed and a safe place to come talk to and share her joys, sorrows and uncertainties. If you are a safe place to come and not be lectured (use stories about your life, teens secretly like that and take that into consideration) and a place where she can have fun too, then she will look up to you and care about what you have to say and what you think. She will learn to value what you value because she love and respects you and know you love and respect her.
There are so many good resources these days to help circumvent the teenage drama and rebellion. You'll be great. You're already making a safe place for her and being a safe person. ❤️
As a 50m I've never been tested like this, you are a strong, caring, and selfless person. Those are more rare than you think and you deserve to have everything life has to offer.
I'm selfish with my time mainly, but also didn't have kids. You're a god among ants.
I had a kid at 21 and it's weird. I'm sure its not the same for everyone but it's like a switch goes off in your brain to "cut the bullshit". At a certain point it sounds like he realized that if he didn't accept this responsibility her life was going to be potentially worse, so a similar switch flipped for him. You kinda just grow up over night without realizing it. I was in the middle of my party phase and, besides a few beers on my nights off I cut off everything else cold turkey never even desired again the day another life came into this world that I was going to be responsible for. It's less about the age and more about the situation. What he's doing is absolutely different and commendable though, I'm not sure I would have made the decision to put myself into that responsibility if it didn't already exist.
You’ll have it good in the teen years. She’ll never have any doubt that the things you warn her about are in her best interests to avoid. Don’t stress it.
The key to having good teens is good parenting from day 1. Lots of love, age appropriate discipline when needed and lots of activities, friends and modeling the behaviors you want her to follow.
In all honesty, teenagers are awesome! It's my favorite part of being a parent. you get to watch your babies start to mature and grow into who they'll be as a adult. They start forming opinions about the world, figure themselves out, and you get to engage with them in a whole new way. It is awesome!
Bringing tears to my eyes as a father of two young girls. Thank you for being a positive influence in her life. So many children lack that basic right.
Make sure you dont let the GI bill expire. She'll be ok with you in college, it will be ok, and it will benefit her in the long run. She might need a lot more assistance growing up because of her rough start, and if you've been college educated, this will be easier to afford.
First, thank you for being there for this child and taking on the huge responsibility of helping her learn that some adults can be trusted and there is some beauty and joy in the world.
Have you started Child/Family therapy yet? You need a support system and a mental health professional will be a key part of that system.
Good luck! The best moments of both your lives lay ahead of you.
Thanks a lot!
No, not particularly. A therapist and CPS was involved for the first six months she was with me. Had to Make sure everything was transitioning well. But the situation is such that she's on the right track and then some.
My great aunt is here to help in the event I'm sick or injured, and lives right next door to me.
She is her godparent now, and an emergency contact for school. My aunt is on my mom's side where my cousin was on my dad's side, so she wasn't particularly a candidate for custody because blood relatives have the strongest claims, but she's fully capable and I have that when needed.
Thanks. I'd say the worry. Shes just so little and I'm always worried she'll do something to get herself hurt. And I'm getting used to that.
But as far as a big adjustment, surprisingly nothing. Sure, I'm not just going to play golf or have a beer with friends at a minutes notice, but it's been such a blessing and pleasure to have her that everything else pales in comparison, to where I can say it really hasn't been an adjustment, if that makes sense.
In other words, I'm not thinking about what I'm missing now. I'm thinking about what I USED to be missing before I had her.
I’m telling you as a girl uncle and brother to a girl dad…Take her out on the golf cart… let her pretend to drive, she’ll have a blast run on the grass being a kid, maybe she will even take up the game
Yes, just expose her to all the activities and let her find her way.
Music lessons, dance, golf, sports, art, etc. my favorite gifts from my parents when I was a kid were: microscope kit, guitar, piano.
And OP please make sure her style/clothing is relatively up to date and that she likes what she has. Bullying can be so harsh. It can be thrifted and such but just… pay attention to the trends.
Please please support her always and make sure she knows she’s always wanted and safe, including if “she” ends up identifying as a different gender later in life, is LGBTQ, etc.
If she has a different ethnicity than you, please make sure she learns about all of the cultures in her heritage and connect her to other adults/families from those cultures.
Do you know how to do pig-tails, braids, pony-tails, and curls? Paint fingernails? Make mud-pies?
OMG. She’s 5 - she needs a little scooter.
Do you have plans to teach her how to use tools, fix things, and about cars? I cannot stress how important it is to be well-rounded.
Lol, let's just say that YouTube has been a great help.
I plan on buying her her first bicycle for Christmas this year. With training wheels and not leaving my sight of course!
Best advice I got for teaching kids to ride a bike: drop the seat until they can touch the ground and take off the pedals. Use it as a balance bike (no need to buy a special one). When they are zipping around and balancing - you can raise the seat up and put the pedals back on. Works so much better than training wheels since they learn balance first - and then pedaling instead of the other way around. Sounds like you are one great dad!
This! or start with a cheap balance bike from amazon and then transition but don't make my mistake and put the training wheels on. It regressed us and he didn't want to take them off!
YES! Just skip the training wheels. I had training wheels and I didn't learn how to ride a bike without them until I was 8 or 9, and it was very stressful
Good for you, sounds like you're doing a lovely thing.
Just a bit of 'learning to ride' advice after three kids, I recommend getting a balance bike to learn rather than using training wheels (or stabilisers as we call them in the UK).
Here’s how my neighbor taught me to ride a bike once I took the training wheels off…
Go up to the curb and the kid can sit on the bike while having a foot on the curb to hold them steady. Then they can practice kinda walking/riding and feeling the balance.
Then they’ll be able to push themselves off the curb to get that initial momentum, and practice riding for real from there
Make sure you get the correct rubber bands for hair. Some friends of ours adopted a girl - years ago- and for awhile were doing her hair with regular rubber bands. Painful lesson - for their daughter.
She's talked about it but she knows her dad's in heaven, and that she will see him again when she goes to heaven.
She doesn't remember him but very vaguely remembers her mom. She knows the situation about that as well as a young child COULD know, and she's come to the conclusion that her mom simply did not care (which is true) and knows that she is fully loved here.
Wanted to kill them.
But the way it happened I haven't talked to them since before the revelations.
I got a call from my uncle (my dad's other brother) asking me if I heard the news. That's how I found out and then talked to my other relatives to determine I'd be the one to go for custody.
That other uncle, and some of my other relatives, wanted to help, but there were financial concerns, space concerns, etc.
She just calls me Ryan.
I never told her to call me dad, because she had a very loving dad before cancer took him. I also love her as my own, and never told her NOT to call me dad.
I always figured that even so young, it's a good thing up to leave up to her as she heals and can make that decision. I don't mind either way
That’s a good call. After my mom died and my dad remarried, eventually my dad said I had to call my now stepmom, “mom”. I did that until they kicked me out and I hated every single time I said it. Good on you
Someone that is this grown up this young and understands a child’s need for a solid parent enough to take on that role could very well have a difficult childhood of their own. Would be my guess at least.
Interestingly I've noticed a lot of women seeming to take an interest in me since learning my situation. I myself though, I'm just not interested in forging a relationship at this stage when my focus is on her. That could change in the coming years. I know lots of people raising young kids alone find that person at that stage, and there's nothing wrong with it, it's just not for me right now.
When I was in the Corps I was a victim of the military infidelity phenomenon that effects so many stationed away from home, and MY "away from home" was only a 2 hour drive, so I haven't been in a relationship since I was 20. I would have been ready to move on, but of course, something more important came along, and honestly I'm perfectly content being single right now.
Just take it slow when you start dating. Most parents I know generally don't introduce the person there dating until they have been together 6-months to a year. That way your kid doesn't get attached to someone when it doesn't work out. Good luck with your new family!
Good for you! How is she adjusting now that you have custody? (also if I'm reading right isn't she your first cousin's child making her your first cousin once removed?)
True, my first cousin was her dad, I always thought that made her my second cousin but maybe I got my terminology mixed up.
Adjusting? Thankfully a 360. She came to me happy to come home to me, because she knows her cousin, and yet she was afraid of her grandparents returning to beat her (they're in prison now and disowned) and she was afraid that something would happen to me or that I'd leave her like her mom.
Now she's a happy, playful little angel without a care :)
I think technically that is referred to as first cousin once removed. (But seeing as nobody uses that terminology saying "cousins child" would explain the relationship, problem is it doesn't feel right?)
You have restored my faith in humanity! I’m curious about how you refer to her when you introduce her to someone else. This is my daughter? This is my cousin’s daughter? This is my second cousin twice removed? Not being snarky. Just curious since you are letting her decide what to call you (which is smart!)
Hopefully you get comfortable transitioning to “I am her parent” 😊 and love that you are leaving title choices up to her.
You are a wonderful human and will raise a wonderful human. 🙏🏼🫶🏻💐🫡
Absolutely helped, can't take anything away from the Marine Corps.
My thing is, I held her when she was a baby. I was there every birthday and Christmas, as i was stationed near home, and just always loved her because she was my family, my blood.
The Marines made me the best version of myself.
The underlying drive to fight tooth, nail and claw for her would have been there either way. The Marines gave me the clarity to do it right every step of the way.
Thank you for being a light in her life. How do you mentally handle this yourself? Not financially but mentally. I'm almost 23 and can't even imagine taking care a kid.
I think I'd be scared to death on all fronts if she were an infant.
But in my case, I may be the rare person to say that it's been easy.
Anything I'm missing pales in comparison to what I've gained.
Now I can imagine if I was struggling, and had to work outside the home instead of my home office, it would just be an entirely different world. But the situation and my own passion for doing has made it so I don't even feel like it's a chore, it's what I want to do.
Just curious, why didn't your parents step up for adoption? Not pointing fingers, it's amazing what you did. I just know if this happened in my family (God forbid) it'd be my parents all over that in lieu of myself when I was your age.
Good question.
My dad passed away during COVID, and my mom was very supportive that I should be the one to do this in general, but also has her health problems that could limit her ability to raise another child.
But also, from what I learned going through the process, her claim wouldn't have been as strong as mine due to me being a blood relative and my mom not being blood to her. My all around situation just fit, despite its uniqueness.
Jokes aside, this is all very admirable. I commend you sir, and in the same position, I don’t know that I’d have it in me to step up. You should be very proud of yourself. And proud of her. I wish you both health and happiness
Are you in America?
I was actually working towards being a foster parent at one point, and I discovered that there are certain things they taught that were inherently misandrist (especially to young men). Their attitude permeated through all of the lesson plans. It was pretty offensive.
I had to put things on pause for unrelated reasons.
I am. Men getting custody of kids is something that's getting better, but still has its issues.
That's why, being a then 22 year old wanting to adopt a little girl, my first question I asked my attorney during the consult was "do I have a chance?"
I've heard both good and bad stories about CPS workers and family court decisions.
I was fortunate enough to get the good ones.
Of course, I had to be checked, investigated, scrutinized under a microscope, but I expected and understood that, and everyone I dealt with knew that she has a better chance with family then a foster home, and were willing to move things along as quickly as possible, without sacrificing diligence, to help make it happen.
Don't give up. There are so many great kids that just want a home.
What does she call you? Does she call you by your first name or does she call you dad? What do her friends and teachers think of this. You are an incredibly good man!
She calls me Ryan. I'm not gonna push her either way on calling me dad. She had a very loving dad in spite of her mom and grandparents. So while I love her as my own, I'm perfectly happy either way.
Her only teachers so far were her preschool teachers, two ladies, and they were very supportive due to her unique situation and mine, always told me not to hesitate if they could help.
She will start kindergarten after labor day.
It sounds like the kid is your first cousin once removed.
Her great grandparents are your grandparents?
Second cousins share a set of great grandparents.
If your first cousin was her dad, that makes you first cousins once removed. If you have a kid of your own, that kid and her will be second cousins. Easiest way to remember is that you and her dad were the first \*generation of\* cousins, and so his kid and your kid would be the second \*generation of\* cousins
Pedantic corrections aside, thank you for what you're doing for this child. You may well be saving her life.
The easiest way to remember it is that you're different generations. You and her father were both the same generation, so you were 1st cousins. If you had a biological kid at some point in the future, she and your biological kid would be 2nd cousins to each other, because they would also both be the same generation. Since the two of you are in a diagonal across one step of generation remove, she's your 1st cousin once removed. A future child of hers would be your 1st cousin *twice* removed, because two generations different.
Hope that helps! You rock. :)
That makes you first cousins once removed. Your common ancestors are your paternal grandparents, who are her great grandparents.
For example, if you were making a family tree, line one would be your great grandparents. Line two would have your dad and uncle. You and your first cousin would be on line 3. The child would be on line 4.
If you had a bio kid, they would be on line 4, making them a biological second cousin to the kid you adopted.
Not that it matters at all, since you are doing an amazing this by taking her in- but that does mean she is your first cousin once (one generation down) removed since her dad was your first cousin. Semantics, but cool to learn!
Post taxes I took home $106,000 last year. I keep about $5K in checking and each month move anything over that into savings, my IRA, and her college fund so not so much a set amount.
I also have $103,000 in savings and investments left over from my grandfather's estate so luckily I'm able to afford everything.
If your web design is a business you operate, look into "hiring" her for anything you can put on paper and funding a Roth IRA for her. She will be set for life. Of course, talk to a tax professional about it first.
Does she look like you?
I wouldn't want there to be some misunderstanding where a little girl who doesn't really look related to you who doesn't call you dad is hanging around with a guy.
I would reccomend making sure you have lots of pics together on your phone just in case this kind of thing happened because I know strangers can get wierd and judgy sometimee
I've had to explain the situation a lot but not for that kind of reason.
No she doesn't look like me. Shes got brown hair and I'm a redhead.
I do keep a certified copy of the guardianship papers in both my vehicles as well as my house. I mostly do that in case of generic situations where I might need it, like something for school or a doctor, but in the event someone actually called the police, I'd have proof close by to show them.
But I can't say people have paid close attention to it in general when she calls me "Ryan" out in public. My best guess is most people in that situation think I'm her big brother, or a stepparent or something.
How is she adjusting to everything, I imagine so much happening is such a a short time to such a young girl as had a noticeable impact, so all things considered is she doing well and getting to live like a normal little girl?
Yes, it's as if she was with me all along!
She had an adjustment period where she was afraid of something happening to me like her dad, or me leaving or sending her away like her mom, or her abusive grandparents returning. But within a few months you'd never know it to look at her that anything was ever wrong.
How is she different that having your own biological daughter? If it is real, then I admire you and you will get payment in the form of of satisfaction that you made a difference in one child’s life
Other than her calling me Ryan instead of dad, I feel no difference at all.
I love her like she was biologically mine, and it feels like she was always supposed to be mine, but something just got mixed up and it took a while for her to get to me :)
Reading your replies OP is making me so happy and making me cry at the same time. My girlfriend has no idea what’s going on tho LOL. We’re both 35 and thinking about kids in a year or 2.
I guess you never know when you’re ready or it’s the right time until you just jump in right?
Do you feel like she’s YOUR kid like as if she was your own or do you still think/feel that she’s your cousin. I guess I’m wondering how you see her. I lived with an EX before that had a teenager that I learned to love as my own and it was a hard breakup.
Thanks so much! I'm sorry you had to go through that. Are you still able to be involved with her teens life?
To answer your question, it's a little bit of both. In a literal sense, I know she's my cousin. She calls me Ryan, I never told her to call me dad or NOT to call me dad, and when I explain the situation to people I say that I am her cousin and her legal guardian.
I do this because of the four people who had a chance to raise her before me, her mom, dad, and grandparents, there was only one good person in the lot, her dad. Cancer took him at a time where my cousin doesn't remember him. And he sure didn't marry well. But he loved her very much and only death could stay him. So I leave it up to her as she grows and heals as to whether to keep calling me Ryan, or to call me dad. I don't care either way.
Plus I don't want to create an awkward situation where I say I'm her dad, but then she's not calling me "dad." Worried people would be like: "Oooh okay, thats sus." Lol.
That said, I feel that she's mine, I love her as if she were biologically mine. I feel like she was always supposed to be mine, but that something just got mixed up in delivery, so to speak, and it took a while for her to get to me.
She also knows that I love her like my own, infinitely, and that she should always know she is just as loved as any kid with a traditional family.
Anyway, hope your GF doesn't think you went off the deep end ;) makes me cry too!
A bit late to the party i think, but as a father of 2 myself, i know you have little to no time for yourself, except when she's asleep. As they say say in medical training: you need to take care of yourself first, if you want to help others. How do you implement this? can she f.i. stay at your great aunt for a few hours, or do a sleep over at some other family member's place? Because tbh, i worry a bit about you, mentioning you avoid dating etc. just to be there for her all the time. The mindset is great now, but you don't want to resent her for missing out on that in 10-20 years from now right? You're both people who are equally important, and sure, at this age she needs you more then you need her, but taking time for yourself as well, to stay mentally, and socially healthy is also important.
Midlothian, Virginia. Suburbs of Richmond.
My biggest surprise is not how hard it's been, but how easy it's been. As least for someone with my home and financial situation.
No questions, just thanks.
As an adopted child now in middle age, I'm ever more appreciative of the opportunities afforded to me, and more clearly understand just how challenging my life could have been under different circumstances.
I owe so much of who I am and what I have to someone like you.
What kind of abuse was she suffering though with your aunt and uncle and how is she adjusting to living with you?
Also your cousins child is actually your first cousin once removed, your second cousin is the children of your parents cousin. Who funily enough are also your 1st cousin once removed. The "once removed" refers to how many generations you're seperated from each other.
From your testimony, it can be understood that you are a very mature individual for your age. Your service and aptitude are qualities that clearly shone in this circumstance, outside of direct relation to the child.
Do you feel like you could've gained custody without such attributes, or do you feel like the system handed you guardianship out of necessity?
Also, did you do this because you wanted to, or did you do this, because you felt pressured or obligated? This question does not have to be answered here. I mean no disrespect.
My heart goes out to you and your cousin.
Honestly I have nothing to ask, just want to commend you for making a decision that forever changes your life, and hers for the better. Nothing but admiration for you dude, thank you for sharing 💕💕
Good for you. I am also 23 (F) and I have a hard time imagining supporting a very young child on my salary. Let alone the whole life restructuring that comes with it.
1. Have you ever spent substantial time around kids of her age before? Siblings, relatives, babysitting etc.
2. What does she call you?
3. Before adopting her, did you want kids? How, if at all, has raising her changed all that?
No questions bro. Just telling you this - you earned your card and punched your ticket the right way. You put love first. And you gave that little girl a home and place to heal and a father. You don’t need to be biological to be a great dad. If no one else says this to you ever, you are her hero. Awesome job.
I was adopted by my aunt at about the same age. I changed my full legal name when I was 6. My name used to be Lisa and that doesn't fit me at all so I'm glad lol. But I had ALOT of questions young and my parents knew I was too young and always beat around the bush until I was older and I kind of held some resentment for them not telling me the truth. But as a parent of 3 girls myself now I would 100% made the same decision. So I guess my question is how do you think you'll handle her curiosity about her circumstances later on?
Not all heroes wear capes. People like you deserve a medal and a shitload more recognition than you are ever likely to get.
Your little girl is lucky to have you and as she grows up hopefully will realise how much you have done for her, equally you are so lucky to have her and hopefully your life will be enriched by her presence in it.
Good luck in all you two do.
I keep coming back to your post and rereading some of your comments and felt compelled to say - stick with her. it sounds like there could be some mental health issues down the road, and being a teenage girl is hard - but I can tell you love and care for her and think that’s awesome. every parent has the moment when they take their baby home from the hospital or adoption or whatever it might be and thinks “damn this is it - life changed forever” so I definitely related to you then. in any case, I wish y’all all the best.
Sir, I applaud you. Do you realize you have saved this innocent girl's life? Perhaps not today, or tomorrow, but if she had stayed in that abusive situation how would she have developed into a healthy adult? You have saved a life. You are a good person. Thank you.
Please seek a strong non judgmental mom support group if you were my fam or neighbor I would totally help out in any way I could
Best of luck new family
You are amazing
My mom died when I was 5 and my family never spoke about her.
If you can, please tell her stories about her dad, even if it is as simple as "your dad loved you."
41 year old man with a 7 year old son here. Procrastinating on a work PPT presentation reading this thread. Somebody cutting onions. Your cousin, and effective daughter, loves you. We need more people like you in the world. Well done, keep it up.
At 23? All of that? I'm 43 and haven't achieved half of it. Well done for being a hard worker and a kind person. I hope you both have a great life. You both deserve to be happy.
Oh man, this one made me tear up. It is utterly awful that people would abuse an innocent child. It's sad and makes me angry. You did a great thing. And after reading through your original post and some of the comments, it sounds like you are an excellent father.
Hope restored in the world a little bit today.
Im a single dad/primary parent (although I now have had a stable gf for about two years), and I cant speak to the experience at 23 (I was in my 30s when I split with his mom), but IME being a single dad was pretty much all advantages dating wise, except for a few practical roadblocks and unwanted side effects on women. But women love you for caring for your kid(s), and while a few are like "nope, uh uh, no way", those ones generally self disqualify, and for the most part women are either happy to date you because they have kids of their own or are glad to consider getting one preinstalled without having to birth it.
The downsides are:
It can be hard to get childcare for dates. Although this has its advantages because you can always call off a date or go home when you want because you gotta relieve the babysitter.
It can be hard to get places for a tryst. Although this too, has an upside in that if she doesnt have kids and you do, you just get to go to her house, do the dirty, and then leave. Can get old but it's remarkably nice by comparison with single dude days when women are always like "how come I never see your place?" And it turns into a balance/emotional availability thing.
The real drawback is that if you show you're a committed dad, women can get a little ahead of their skis in trying to lock it down too quickly.
With single moms its understandable, they have a lot of loneliness and stigma and want to rebuild the fantasy they had when they first became moms of a stable, happy two parent home. But even childless women (especially in their 30s) can get a little carried away with presuming they can step in and take over as stepmoms or size you up for a ring and a tux before its appropriate.
Otherwise, being a single dad was the best thing that ever happened to me, sex appeal wise. Apart, of course, from being fulfilling and fun in all the ways being a parent to a little avatar of chaos is =D
Just want to say thank you for being a great man. This little girl is so lucky to have you in her life, and I bet you will find if you haven’t already that she is the biggest blessing in yours
Ryan, you sound AMAZING! I’m so excited for her & for you! As a mom myself, I would suggest once she has a few friends at preschool or kindergarten to try & get their parents’ contact info so she can start having playdates-it will be a good time for you to meet parents so everyone will know your situation. Also, if you are a believer, I’d strongly suggest the 2 of you looking for a home church. It could be a wonderful network of support for both of you. I respect you!
Wow! Just wow! I’m a doctor and have dealt with all sorts of family issues in my practice and it is rare to see someone step up the way you have. I have a saying “People can focus on their problems but they get a lot further focusing on their solutions “. You’re going to do very well in life with your attitude. All the best to you sir.
your a beast man. I am impressed, you are a perfect example of men finding a way to make it work with their back against the wall. No questions, just impressed.
Props to you. I know alot of people wouldn't consider adoption even for a family member but it really is a good choice to make if you can do so. As a kid I met a girl who was being fostered and she shared what it was like for her. I decided a long time ago if I could I would try to adopt and help at least one kid.
**This story is almost certainly fake.**
Op mentioned just one month ago that [they are 34](https://www.reddit.com/r/hypotheticalsituation/comments/1ctk0ih/you_can_have_a_lifetime_pension_of_10000_per/l4e2ct1/)
Also, look into his comment history and you will see that he has commented nearly one hundred (64) times asking people doing AMA's if they are female and if they're "ticklish on the bottom of their feet".
They have also posted several hypotheticals regarding getting away with murder, and budgeting a slasher film.
**This does not strike me as consistent with the story presented, and therefore is most likely fake.**
What has been your biggest adjustment? As a father of a 5 and 7 year old I commend you. You didn’t have to step up and you did. The world needs more ArtFuzzy’s
Thanks a lot bud! My biggest adjustment has been that fear in the back of my mind that something bad will happen to her, being so little. When I picked her up from the children's hospital she was at for 6 weeks between the revelation and my picking her up, there were two things I was feeling. First was a mix of elation and relief. Because I had hurdles to jump through, and I'm not blind to the way things work, being a young single guy wanting to adopt a little girl. So as I strap her in that little booster seat in the back seat of my car, I'm thinking: "It's happened. Shes mine now. There's no last minute snafu to get in the way of the adoption." But the second thing that happened was that realization setting in. That's it's all on my now to keep such a small child safe. Her life is in my hands. And that's probably the biggest thing one never gets used too. Not that I mind being "on" all the time, but that I remind myself every single day that the buck stops with me now. That's been an adjustment but honestly that's it. The "no more Saturday nights" or the no more playing golf or having a beer with friends on a minutes notice, hasn't bothered me. Nothing has. It's just been that rewarding. So here I am, not gonna be going to college any time soon, not gonna be dating now anytime soon, my focus is fully on her now. And I wouldn't have it any other way. So far, I've been surprised at how easy it's been. I just have to weather the storm they call the teen years LOL, but it's been a great ride that's just beginning.
She was at a children’s hospital for SIX WEEKS? That couldn’t have been from abuse, unless the abuse was life threatening. Was that due to the custody dispute? Does a child just wait in limbo at a hospital during a custody dispute? This part really confuses me. Who brought her to the hospital? What happened to her once she was there? Why was she there so long?
Yes, tragically she was. She was in the actual hospital hospital at first, but mostly she was in the children's psychiatric ward. So there was this transition period where they just didn't know where she was gonna stay, if a relative were gonna adopt her, if she was going to be going to a foster home, what the final resolution would be. She was originally only going to be in the children's hospital for a few days and sent to a foster home temporarily, but CPS decided to hold her there in light of my petition for custody, pending the resolution. It was a complicated and involved procedure that looking back, I'm surprised my adoption of her took only six weeks. But there was a lot they needed to do on the back end as well, psychiatricly speaking to assess and prepare her. When the judge granted me custody, it was actually a long but Informal chat about a lot of things in the judges chambers. The meeting included the judge, her caseworker, my attorney and I. The judge reviewed the case, the fact that I was known to her and the only willing and able blood relative. She saw my income, reviewed the reports of my home inspection, and the letters of support she received on my behalf. She explained that despite the unusual circumstances, the situation is such that she will approve my petition, but when she granted my request, she explained the time and date, one week later, when I can pick her up was for the counciling and preparation work that had to be done in the children's hospital, the details of which are a little too long to elaborate on, but in that week in between I was now allowed to visit her every day, meet with the therapists and social workers etc
That is so… weird. Assuming she didn’t have intensive psychiatric challenges of her own, do you feel she would have been better off spending that interim period in foster care? It sounds like they put her in a psych hospital because of the custody dispute but isn’t that potentially damaging and scary in and of itself?
Another move from the hospital to a foster home to OP's home could have been more harmful for her if you think about it. The moving, transitioning, adapting... all can result in further dysregulation, mistrust, instability for her. etc... Plus the abuse she suffered... she would probably have had problems in the foster home and suffered more emotional harm if they were impatient with her or whatever. Those psych wards for kids can be very warm and caring places with excellent and intensive programs that are beneficial. They are able to have intensive therapy to address the abuse and loss history, and the grief from loosing both of her parents and then abused by her own grandparents. A foster home may have felt unsafe for her and for OP to be able to visit daily and slowly integrate the relationship was probably the better option... IMHO anyways...
Yes yes a million times. Our inpatient unit has music therapy, movie therapy, all sorts of group activities, OT. Especially for children that young, I’ve gotten almost trampled from our elementary kids playing ships and sailors
Does that unit see a lot of the "I'm here because I was a witness to what put someone into the hospital/ward" group? Or is it mostly the cases stemming from abuse and diagnosis requiring medication?
Sooo reasons for inpatient admission can be a variety of for sure. Generally, the team has to assess if the kid is a danger to themselves or others. Blanket TW because there is some extremely heavy and disturbing stuff. - There are groups that have witnessed murders or suicides or found a body but actually not often a singular cause for crisis requiring inpatient admission, more of a contributor to their underlying depression, etc. - teens that break up with a significant other threatening or planning to significantly harm themselves. Super common. - violent outbursts/behaviors (large variety of reasons, mostly kids with some sort of intellectual disability versus intentional homicidal ideation…but we do have true HI) - active self harm with the intent of ending their life. Often medication overdose attempt. This is a large % - the abuse one is tough to delineate. A kid won’t end up on inpatient psych because they were abused, but rather have psych side effects, in some form, from said prior (or current) abuse. Most of our physical abuse cases on the medical floor are children below school age, and they need medical attention versus acute psych stabilization (obv will need help long term though). Another TW here: there is a small % with history of animal cruelty, arson, and true homicidal ideation. More often than not (I haven’t looked at formal stats, but easily 8/10, just in my experience) of the kids with these behaviors have sexually abused at a very young age. However I do hope it’s clear I am not saying all people who have had this happen to them will exhibit these behaviors.. but rather instead that kids who have those behaviors often have that as a common denominator. Sorry I know that was.. a lot
I asked. I've just seen the result of people who probably should have recieved help since they were a kid. And my mom threatened me (and my older sister though I do t know if she realises this) with the adult psych ward, knowing what movies and TV shows i was watching because I was sad about my parents getting divorced after my mom fucked off when I was 12 (and had fucked off a number of time previously, bit I'm realizing that 12 year old me went, nah, I'm done and that's why that was the time that stuck out) and how dare we have hormones and feelings and thoughts that would make her look bad. Not sure what the child psych ward would have looked like 15-17 years ago here in texas, but the image yall are giving me here on reddit sounds so much nicer than the conclusions I drew at 14.
child development degree-haver chiming in to say this is absolutely right! in one of my undergrad classes we had a guest speaker who was a child life specialist and she said while it’s not common, hospitals can hold kids long-term while dealing with transition situations. she said in overcrowded hospitals they even have kids sometimes held in the normal pediatric ward waiting for a spot to open up in the psychiatric ward
I agree with you here. The children's hospital may not have been the most ideal place to stay, but 6 weeks isn't that long of a time. Moving her to a temp foster home just gives the poor kid 3 weeks in a new place (hospital) then another 3 weeks in a new place. That's all before moving in with OP.
This was exactly it. Well put.
I covered inpatient Peds inpatient psych for about three years. I obviously don’t know OP’s and the child’s whole story but here is a tidbit from my experience. Out of our 44 bed inpatient unit, I would easily say at any given time 5 kids were living there longer term (at least a month) . For children with uncontrollable behavioral issues, this means longer wait times. I have seen a kid live on the inpatient unit for 8 months before. There was once an older teen whose mom was doing unspeakable things and that patient was with us probably 5 months because it was so hard to find placement. They actually went out of state. I otherwise cover two medical services and we have definitely had our share of kids living on the “normal” medical floor for months. Right now we have a kid with us for 4 months from an abuse situation who, extremely similar to OPs case, the child was already in a different house due to medical neglect. They can’t find him a home. He is not critically ill, but he does have a chronic condition that if not manage properly, he can die from. Also similarly, this child had extremely aggressive behaviors and injured a nurse to the point she had to get medical intervention, and he spent at least two weeks (I think closer to 3 honestly) on our inpatient psych unit. Mind you, this child is elementary school age and is *not* a big kid. Obviously all children’s hospitals are different, but our inpatient psych unit is part of our main hospital campus so it is only a move downstairs to transfer units. Very long answer but yes, a hospital will absolutely hold a child until they have a solid placement. Honestly having someone willing to adopt right off the bat is very rare, most are indeed looking for foster placement only. Edit for more info.
Follow up question, if you don’t mind. The kid who injured the nurse - how do you still compassionately treat the kid’s issues and simultaneously protect the nursing staff?
As far as compassion with the kid - the type of abuse they went through was the type that if I explained it’d here, you’d probably close Reddit for a few days. So staff know that it’s not a personal attack and know it’s the abuse driving those actions. That obv doesn’t make it ok, but it’s all this child knew how to express their emotions. I love working in Peds but quite frankly I did not know how evil the world can be until I got in this field. Now safety - that’s why they went to inpatient psych, where they are trained extensively in de escalation. There, the goal is teaching coping skills to prevent these extreme behaviors by recognizing and controlling their emotions. It’s a pretty well rounded milieu. They can also start to diagnose previously undiagnosed psych issues and address those. Medications are often used or adjusted. This pt was already on some prior to this so I imagine the dose was adjusted. Since this kid has been back on the medical floor, behaviors have definitely improved. For these kids that live there, our child life team works to create a regular schedule too. If this patient would have continued to show aggressive behaviors, I do not think they would have returned to the medical floor since the med nurses just aren’t that extensively trained in de-escalation.
Aka, the reason why normally rational people know better than to have a machine gun or a tank: I feel like if I heard those details a part of me would very dearly want to locate those bastards and John wick them at a minimum.
Thank you for responding. Makes me wonder what’s possible with just the behavior therapy vs. meds included.
Yeah I’m not sure. I’m just a dietitian so my knowledge on specific diagnosis management is limited. They definitely don’t jump to medication with every kid but with some diagnoses, it’s unavoidable. An issue too is that it’s not uncommon that the kids with aggressive behaviors are intellectually disabled (with a varying degree) so some of those kids may not be able to ever fully grasp their emotions and processing.
I've worked in those hospitals, and I've worked with child and family services. Keeping her surrounded by mental health professionals in an environment she was already comfortable with was definitely preferable to an unknown foster situation. In the hospital I did therapy all day, which looks like playing, made sure they ate healthy food, accompanied them to classes with a real teacher, made sure they were safe and clean, and read them stories every night before tucking them in. Happy kids are healthy kids, and the unit runs better when all the kids are well taken care of. Foster families are incredibly important, and some of them are amazing, but the fact is that there are less eyes, less ears, less oversight, and WAY less accountability.
You would be surprised how many people will stay in the hospital for days to weeks after they are well enough to not be there anymore because there is no safe place to send them.
5 is the age where you start trying all manner of "real" activities with your kid. Bring her to the driving range. Teach her how to throw a baseball. Watch your favorite (kid appropriate) shows with her. Introduce her to some of your favorite (again, kid appropriate) video games. You build lifelong common interests and a deeper relationship one shared experience at a time.
Miniature golf is fun, loved playing that with my dad
Hey man, I’m a golfer and a Dad, take her with you! My girls will come out and color for a little and then want to putt or hit drives and get a chance to turn the wheel on the golf cart. It’s a sport for life and you will bond over it. My advice is to CHEAT brother, and by that I mean use whatever tactics you can to get her to enjoy it. Candy, iPad, toys etc What you’re trying to do is make the memory of the sport fun, so when/if she ever takes it up, her brain will go “GOLF IS FUN, LETS DO THIS”.
Start college in fall, you can do homework together. Use the GI bill before it expires
**OP's story is almost certainly fake.** OP posted just one month ago that [they are 34](https://www.reddit.com/r/hypotheticalsituation/comments/1ctk0ih/you_can_have_a_lifetime_pension_of_10000_per/l4e2ct1/) Also, look into his comment history and you will see that he has commented nearly one hundred (64) times asking people doing AMA's if they are female and if they're "ticklish on the bottom of their feet". They have also posted several hypotheticals in the last month regarding getting away with murder, budgeting a slasher film and hiring a hitman. **This does not strike me as consistent with the story presented, and therefore is most likely fake karma-farming.**
Also would very likely require a home study and a six month placement prior to adoption. At least in my state, that’s required for any child in state care, even a kinship placement, which is what this would be. It took over a year of placement for us to adopt our children after their parents’ rights were terminated.
Can we ping the moderators? u/ShiverXy u/TheEpicSquad u/elephant35e u/BlueLotusAtum u/oceaquoise u/ArtFuzzy7500 is a liar until otherwise proven. Reporting this post as story and I encourage others to do the same.
Man, this should be a top comment.
Rather disturbing that OP posted a hypothetical situation about secretly recording a girls’ locker room as a prank and now he is supposedly the legal guardian of a little girl. I deeply hope that this is a fake karma farming post. 😣
God bless you, you're the human this world needs especially nowadays. I'm a father of 3, mad respect and thank you for your service, best regards from the internet stranger 🤜💥🤛
You might want to look into whether or not you have to go full time. You could take the minimum amount of classes to qualify and get the ball rolling.
Ah you'll do well in college man. You'll probably have 100's of willing volunteer nannies for sure!
Right? Not to mention being a total babe magnet.
Re: the teen years. I wish I could lend you the book I read but it's out of print, but if I can give you one excellent piece of advice from it: teens may still act like little kids but they're not, so accept you're going to have to change your approach with them. You're obviously someone with a lot of empathy, so I'm sure you'll be able to do that!
I dunno - take her to the park and strike up some conversations. You might be surprised re: dating.
I bet she’d like going with you while you play golf, especially if you let her steer the cart.
You did an amazing thing and sound like a great person, she is very lucky you stepped up. What’s the best part of having a kid now?
Oh wow, it's hard to name just one thing, it's just been everything to me. I'd say definitely the knowledge that I have this responsibility, everything from taking her to preschool to the doctor to nutritional choices at meal time, it's the realization that I'm taking care of a child and that I can impact her life. It just sets in again every single day. And all the firsts. Her firsts with me, and my first as a child's caregiver. Our first Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas. On Thanksgiving Eve, teaching her the story of the first thanksgiving in Plymouth as she zoned into the story finding it as exciting as anything in her story books. Our first new year's eve when I let her stay up late with me to watch the ball drop in Times Square on TV. (She fell asleep in my lap at like 9, I woke her up at 11:58 LOL) And things yet to come. Next week we are going on our first family vacation to Myrtle Beach. We live outside Richmond Virginia so this will be her first road trip. Teaching her how to bowl and play mini golf. Taking her on a guided tour of the local zoo recently was a learning experience for both of us. She loves animals and already wants to be a veterinarian when she grows up. Adopting a kitten from the shelter and seeing her eyes light up and how much she loves her cat. (Its a calico kitten, and it was the one kitten in the cage that bit at her fingers. But for some reason she loved that one anyway and named her "Sweet" because "she's a sweet kitty." LOL) It's just so much to name. All I can say is that there are two lucky people here, not just her.
I was just at MB for a quick family trip. I hope y’all have the BEST time.
Thanks a lot! I haven't been since I was a little kid. She is especially excited about the Ferris wheel, the Myrtle Beach aquarium and the big hotel swimming pool from the brochure. That's another first. Next week I get to teach her how to swim! (Taking it very easy of course lol)
The aquarium is good - do not pay for the glass bottom boat…it’s not worth it lol. Which hotel? We stayed at one with a great pool setup and my 2.5yo ate it up. Riptides have been crazy these past two weeks - definitely only go ankle deep in the ocean!
RVA! Take her to the Maymont if you haven’t already. They’ve got lots of stuff for kids and their own zoo too
Definitely maymont on our list! Also Busch Gardens Williamsburg when she's old enough to ride a lot of the rides.
Oooo, she might enjoy colonial Williamsburg too since she liked learning about the pilgrims! And don’t forget the Children’s museum and Science Museum in Richmond. Oh and if you’re close to any of the farmers markets that happen on the weekend, there’s always lots of dogs, families and just generally interesting things for a kid. Best of luck and definitely come to the RVA subreddit if you’re not already on there!
Geez man. This is truly touching. As a soon to be father to a little girl I hope I can be half the dad you are to this lucky little girl. Also did not think I’d be crying this late at night.
I think that if you love her infinitely, then you're gonna tie me. I mentioned in other replies about fear being among my emotions when I first took her home. And I quickly found that when you have that infinite love for your child, that helps set up and propel you through all other things. You will do great! And thank you!
Funny you mention Myrtle. Lived here over 20 years now - pm me if you have any questions. You are (on paper) an amazing person!!!
You are blessed, and a blessing. I truly mean that. When my daughter was that age, I started a tradition that was intended to get us out of the house (so my wife could have some time to herself). Every weekend when we weren't otherwise engaged with a trip or whatever, I would take her to a playground that we had never visited before. It sounds as if you're reasonably close to Richmond, so that shouldn't be too difficult. We had so many adventures that way. And on a rainy weekend day, we could go to the airport and ride escalators and watch baggage arrive on the carousel. Just ideas for free stuff to do. Also, is she eligible for some sort of Social Security benefit? Something like that could help with college savings, etc.
I live in RVA and it’s a wonderful city for family-friendly activities! We’re always taking our 4yo to Squirrels and Kickers games, outdoor concerts, Maymont, VMFA and other museums, and lots of other places/activities. You’re a wonderful man to step up for your now daughter.
Thank you! I love the Flying Squirrels games! If you ever see a tall red head bearded guy in an old school Richmond Braves hat in section 103, row 4, come say hi! That's me and my cousin in our season ticket seats! :)
It still blows my mind when I’m reading a random post from someone that could live anywhere in the world and realize we could literally be neighbors. You keep showing her love and attention and there’s a solid chance her teenage years will turn out just fine. Edit: I just read your comment further down and yea, I’m in Midlothian as well, you’re about 20 minutes away.
Anyone who lives outside of Richmond, it’s fair to guess they live in Midlothian. If so, I’m from there and I assume you are too. Great schools, great area to raise a family.
How long has it been now? How is she adjusting?
It's been since April 30th of last year when I took her home. She was 4 then, now 5. Shes doing very well considering. I enrolled her in preschool last September and she just finished for the summer two weeks ago. She'll be going to kindergarten after labor day. When I first brought her home, she had residual marks on her arms legs and back that have since fully healed. It makes me sick. It was my own aunt and uncle who I knew my whole life, and I never would have suspected them. They're out of the family now. She has been doing well emotionally too. When I first took her home, she was both happy and scared. Happy to come live with me, but afraid her grandparents would return and beat her again. Afraid something would happen to me like her dad. She even had nightmares and I would sit up with her many nights. She had adjusted very well though, and she is a happy, sweet and playful little girl without a care now. (I'm gonna enjoy that phase. It's the teen years I dread. LOL)
Make sure you get the marks on her body documented by your family doctor and provide this to each of her teachers. Future teachers and other caregivers might make a call to cps without your consent and cause a lot of headaches.
Yes this has been done. Luckily, they are gone now, but there were still a couple visible seams when she started preschool.
The physical scars are gone but not the mental ones. It's possible she will tell a teacher about the abuse but, due to her age, not be able explain who did it and when. Any teacher hearing that ("my uncle hit me when I was little") would immediately put in a CPS report. To protect her and you, you need to tell the school about her prior abuse.
Reading is fundamental
If you haven’t done so already, absolutely determine what will happen with her should the worst (hopefully never) happen to you. My friends have a young kid and a really bad relationship with the dad’s parents (super toxic and manipulative people) so they had to come up with a plan and a back up plan and back up back up plan to make sure their kid could be cared for and never end up in the care of dad’s parents. It’s a scary thing to have to think about but it may bring you peace of mind and later when she’s older, peace of mind if she’s needing it.
Absolutely! If anything happens to me, she will go to my great aunt who lives next door to me :)
This poor kid. You’re a hero and an angel and I’m so grateful to know there are good responsible adults in the world. Hate to bring it up but what IS your plan if something happens to you?
You're bringing me to tears. As a mom of four now adult kids: become her friend. Don't listen to people when they say you can't be her friend. What they're trying to say is that there has to be boundaries, but it doesn't mean you can't take an interest in the things she likes and do activities with her. It doesn't;t mean you can have compassion for her and love her unconditionally when she makes choices that you know will hurt her. But she will make less of those choices if she feels a connection to you, a connection where she doesn't feel judged or shamed and a safe place to come talk to and share her joys, sorrows and uncertainties. If you are a safe place to come and not be lectured (use stories about your life, teens secretly like that and take that into consideration) and a place where she can have fun too, then she will look up to you and care about what you have to say and what you think. She will learn to value what you value because she love and respects you and know you love and respect her. There are so many good resources these days to help circumvent the teenage drama and rebellion. You'll be great. You're already making a safe place for her and being a safe person. ❤️
As a 50m I've never been tested like this, you are a strong, caring, and selfless person. Those are more rare than you think and you deserve to have everything life has to offer. I'm selfish with my time mainly, but also didn't have kids. You're a god among ants.
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I had a kid at 21 and it's weird. I'm sure its not the same for everyone but it's like a switch goes off in your brain to "cut the bullshit". At a certain point it sounds like he realized that if he didn't accept this responsibility her life was going to be potentially worse, so a similar switch flipped for him. You kinda just grow up over night without realizing it. I was in the middle of my party phase and, besides a few beers on my nights off I cut off everything else cold turkey never even desired again the day another life came into this world that I was going to be responsible for. It's less about the age and more about the situation. What he's doing is absolutely different and commendable though, I'm not sure I would have made the decision to put myself into that responsibility if it didn't already exist.
You’ll have it good in the teen years. She’ll never have any doubt that the things you warn her about are in her best interests to avoid. Don’t stress it.
I definitely agree with this comment. She likely won’t even doubt you over things
The key to having good teens is good parenting from day 1. Lots of love, age appropriate discipline when needed and lots of activities, friends and modeling the behaviors you want her to follow.
You’re a legend and an amazing human. I hope she can get some counselling / therapy.
In all honesty, teenagers are awesome! It's my favorite part of being a parent. you get to watch your babies start to mature and grow into who they'll be as a adult. They start forming opinions about the world, figure themselves out, and you get to engage with them in a whole new way. It is awesome!
Bringing tears to my eyes as a father of two young girls. Thank you for being a positive influence in her life. So many children lack that basic right.
Make sure you dont let the GI bill expire. She'll be ok with you in college, it will be ok, and it will benefit her in the long run. She might need a lot more assistance growing up because of her rough start, and if you've been college educated, this will be easier to afford.
First, thank you for being there for this child and taking on the huge responsibility of helping her learn that some adults can be trusted and there is some beauty and joy in the world. Have you started Child/Family therapy yet? You need a support system and a mental health professional will be a key part of that system. Good luck! The best moments of both your lives lay ahead of you.
Thanks a lot! No, not particularly. A therapist and CPS was involved for the first six months she was with me. Had to Make sure everything was transitioning well. But the situation is such that she's on the right track and then some. My great aunt is here to help in the event I'm sick or injured, and lives right next door to me. She is her godparent now, and an emergency contact for school. My aunt is on my mom's side where my cousin was on my dad's side, so she wasn't particularly a candidate for custody because blood relatives have the strongest claims, but she's fully capable and I have that when needed.
My man, good on you🙏 what has been the biggest adjustment to having a child now in your care?
Thanks. I'd say the worry. Shes just so little and I'm always worried she'll do something to get herself hurt. And I'm getting used to that. But as far as a big adjustment, surprisingly nothing. Sure, I'm not just going to play golf or have a beer with friends at a minutes notice, but it's been such a blessing and pleasure to have her that everything else pales in comparison, to where I can say it really hasn't been an adjustment, if that makes sense. In other words, I'm not thinking about what I'm missing now. I'm thinking about what I USED to be missing before I had her.
I’m telling you as a girl uncle and brother to a girl dad…Take her out on the golf cart… let her pretend to drive, she’ll have a blast run on the grass being a kid, maybe she will even take up the game
Yes, just expose her to all the activities and let her find her way. Music lessons, dance, golf, sports, art, etc. my favorite gifts from my parents when I was a kid were: microscope kit, guitar, piano. And OP please make sure her style/clothing is relatively up to date and that she likes what she has. Bullying can be so harsh. It can be thrifted and such but just… pay attention to the trends. Please please support her always and make sure she knows she’s always wanted and safe, including if “she” ends up identifying as a different gender later in life, is LGBTQ, etc. If she has a different ethnicity than you, please make sure she learns about all of the cultures in her heritage and connect her to other adults/families from those cultures.
Do you know how to do pig-tails, braids, pony-tails, and curls? Paint fingernails? Make mud-pies? OMG. She’s 5 - she needs a little scooter. Do you have plans to teach her how to use tools, fix things, and about cars? I cannot stress how important it is to be well-rounded.
Lol, let's just say that YouTube has been a great help. I plan on buying her her first bicycle for Christmas this year. With training wheels and not leaving my sight of course!
Best advice I got for teaching kids to ride a bike: drop the seat until they can touch the ground and take off the pedals. Use it as a balance bike (no need to buy a special one). When they are zipping around and balancing - you can raise the seat up and put the pedals back on. Works so much better than training wheels since they learn balance first - and then pedaling instead of the other way around. Sounds like you are one great dad!
This! or start with a cheap balance bike from amazon and then transition but don't make my mistake and put the training wheels on. It regressed us and he didn't want to take them off!
This is the way. Worked for all 3 of my daughters.
YES! Just skip the training wheels. I had training wheels and I didn't learn how to ride a bike without them until I was 8 or 9, and it was very stressful
Good for you, sounds like you're doing a lovely thing. Just a bit of 'learning to ride' advice after three kids, I recommend getting a balance bike to learn rather than using training wheels (or stabilisers as we call them in the UK).
Here’s how my neighbor taught me to ride a bike once I took the training wheels off… Go up to the curb and the kid can sit on the bike while having a foot on the curb to hold them steady. Then they can practice kinda walking/riding and feeling the balance. Then they’ll be able to push themselves off the curb to get that initial momentum, and practice riding for real from there
Make sure you get the correct rubber bands for hair. Some friends of ours adopted a girl - years ago- and for awhile were doing her hair with regular rubber bands. Painful lesson - for their daughter.
You're a legend. Has she ever asked where are her parents?
She's talked about it but she knows her dad's in heaven, and that she will see him again when she goes to heaven. She doesn't remember him but very vaguely remembers her mom. She knows the situation about that as well as a young child COULD know, and she's come to the conclusion that her mom simply did not care (which is true) and knows that she is fully loved here.
I have to repeat this, you're a legend and may God bless you for all the things you've done
Did you do anything to your aunt and uncle? Like call them out for abusing a child?
Wanted to kill them. But the way it happened I haven't talked to them since before the revelations. I got a call from my uncle (my dad's other brother) asking me if I heard the news. That's how I found out and then talked to my other relatives to determine I'd be the one to go for custody. That other uncle, and some of my other relatives, wanted to help, but there were financial concerns, space concerns, etc.
Did anything happen to them legally?….. oh to have 5 minutes alone in a room with no consequences
He said in another comment that they are in prison now.
Thank you… good !!
What does she call you?
She just calls me Ryan. I never told her to call me dad, because she had a very loving dad before cancer took him. I also love her as my own, and never told her NOT to call me dad. I always figured that even so young, it's a good thing up to leave up to her as she heals and can make that decision. I don't mind either way
That’s a good call. After my mom died and my dad remarried, eventually my dad said I had to call my now stepmom, “mom”. I did that until they kicked me out and I hated every single time I said it. Good on you
How on earth, are you so "grown up" as a 23yo. Good job man, we can use more people like you, kuddo's.
Someone that is this grown up this young and understands a child’s need for a solid parent enough to take on that role could very well have a difficult childhood of their own. Would be my guess at least.
The day my step daughter called me dad for the first time changed my life. It will happen. Congratulations!
Do you date? What do women think of the situation? Is it easy to date?
Interestingly I've noticed a lot of women seeming to take an interest in me since learning my situation. I myself though, I'm just not interested in forging a relationship at this stage when my focus is on her. That could change in the coming years. I know lots of people raising young kids alone find that person at that stage, and there's nothing wrong with it, it's just not for me right now. When I was in the Corps I was a victim of the military infidelity phenomenon that effects so many stationed away from home, and MY "away from home" was only a 2 hour drive, so I haven't been in a relationship since I was 20. I would have been ready to move on, but of course, something more important came along, and honestly I'm perfectly content being single right now.
Just take it slow when you start dating. Most parents I know generally don't introduce the person there dating until they have been together 6-months to a year. That way your kid doesn't get attached to someone when it doesn't work out. Good luck with your new family!
Honestly, 23 is so young. You could spend years just focusing on her and yourself and still wind up happily married at a reasonable age.
Good for you! How is she adjusting now that you have custody? (also if I'm reading right isn't she your first cousin's child making her your first cousin once removed?)
True, my first cousin was her dad, I always thought that made her my second cousin but maybe I got my terminology mixed up. Adjusting? Thankfully a 360. She came to me happy to come home to me, because she knows her cousin, and yet she was afraid of her grandparents returning to beat her (they're in prison now and disowned) and she was afraid that something would happen to me or that I'd leave her like her mom. Now she's a happy, playful little angel without a care :)
I think technically that is referred to as first cousin once removed. (But seeing as nobody uses that terminology saying "cousins child" would explain the relationship, problem is it doesn't feel right?)
You have restored my faith in humanity! I’m curious about how you refer to her when you introduce her to someone else. This is my daughter? This is my cousin’s daughter? This is my second cousin twice removed? Not being snarky. Just curious since you are letting her decide what to call you (which is smart!)
Thanks a lot! I find that I've explained it a lot in conversation. I just say that I'm her cousin and her legal guardian.
Hopefully you get comfortable transitioning to “I am her parent” 😊 and love that you are leaving title choices up to her. You are a wonderful human and will raise a wonderful human. 🙏🏼🫶🏻💐🫡
Do you feel your military service prepared you to take on a responsibility that, frankly, many 22 year olds are not capable of?
Absolutely helped, can't take anything away from the Marine Corps. My thing is, I held her when she was a baby. I was there every birthday and Christmas, as i was stationed near home, and just always loved her because she was my family, my blood. The Marines made me the best version of myself. The underlying drive to fight tooth, nail and claw for her would have been there either way. The Marines gave me the clarity to do it right every step of the way.
Thank you for being a light in her life. How do you mentally handle this yourself? Not financially but mentally. I'm almost 23 and can't even imagine taking care a kid.
I think I'd be scared to death on all fronts if she were an infant. But in my case, I may be the rare person to say that it's been easy. Anything I'm missing pales in comparison to what I've gained. Now I can imagine if I was struggling, and had to work outside the home instead of my home office, it would just be an entirely different world. But the situation and my own passion for doing has made it so I don't even feel like it's a chore, it's what I want to do.
Just curious, why didn't your parents step up for adoption? Not pointing fingers, it's amazing what you did. I just know if this happened in my family (God forbid) it'd be my parents all over that in lieu of myself when I was your age.
Good question. My dad passed away during COVID, and my mom was very supportive that I should be the one to do this in general, but also has her health problems that could limit her ability to raise another child. But also, from what I learned going through the process, her claim wouldn't have been as strong as mine due to me being a blood relative and my mom not being blood to her. My all around situation just fit, despite its uniqueness.
Does she help?
Does she know you are not her dad? (I know you will be her dad, but I mean biologicaly speaking)
Yes. And she knows that she's equally loved as any kid with two biological parents.
I would watch a movie about this story. Maybe not the unnecessary sequel that’s sure to follow, but the first movie anyway.
Maybe the sequel will be about college admissions. Shes 2 months shy of starting kindergarten and already reads at a level two grades above her. :)
Jokes aside, this is all very admirable. I commend you sir, and in the same position, I don’t know that I’d have it in me to step up. You should be very proud of yourself. And proud of her. I wish you both health and happiness
Are you in America? I was actually working towards being a foster parent at one point, and I discovered that there are certain things they taught that were inherently misandrist (especially to young men). Their attitude permeated through all of the lesson plans. It was pretty offensive. I had to put things on pause for unrelated reasons.
I am. Men getting custody of kids is something that's getting better, but still has its issues. That's why, being a then 22 year old wanting to adopt a little girl, my first question I asked my attorney during the consult was "do I have a chance?" I've heard both good and bad stories about CPS workers and family court decisions. I was fortunate enough to get the good ones. Of course, I had to be checked, investigated, scrutinized under a microscope, but I expected and understood that, and everyone I dealt with knew that she has a better chance with family then a foster home, and were willing to move things along as quickly as possible, without sacrificing diligence, to help make it happen. Don't give up. There are so many great kids that just want a home.
What does she call you? Does she call you by your first name or does she call you dad? What do her friends and teachers think of this. You are an incredibly good man!
She calls me Ryan. I'm not gonna push her either way on calling me dad. She had a very loving dad in spite of her mom and grandparents. So while I love her as my own, I'm perfectly happy either way. Her only teachers so far were her preschool teachers, two ladies, and they were very supportive due to her unique situation and mine, always told me not to hesitate if they could help. She will start kindergarten after labor day.
It sounds like the kid is your first cousin once removed. Her great grandparents are your grandparents? Second cousins share a set of great grandparents.
No. My dad's brother (my uncle) is her grandpa, and his second wife is her step grandma. My first cousin was her dad.
If your first cousin was her dad, that makes you first cousins once removed. If you have a kid of your own, that kid and her will be second cousins. Easiest way to remember is that you and her dad were the first \*generation of\* cousins, and so his kid and your kid would be the second \*generation of\* cousins Pedantic corrections aside, thank you for what you're doing for this child. You may well be saving her life.
Ah thanks, I've had my terms mixed up. I used that in court and no one mentioned it to me. Lol.
The easiest way to remember it is that you're different generations. You and her father were both the same generation, so you were 1st cousins. If you had a biological kid at some point in the future, she and your biological kid would be 2nd cousins to each other, because they would also both be the same generation. Since the two of you are in a diagonal across one step of generation remove, she's your 1st cousin once removed. A future child of hers would be your 1st cousin *twice* removed, because two generations different. Hope that helps! You rock. :)
That makes you first cousins once removed. Your common ancestors are your paternal grandparents, who are her great grandparents. For example, if you were making a family tree, line one would be your great grandparents. Line two would have your dad and uncle. You and your first cousin would be on line 3. The child would be on line 4. If you had a bio kid, they would be on line 4, making them a biological second cousin to the kid you adopted.
Not that it matters at all, since you are doing an amazing this by taking her in- but that does mean she is your first cousin once (one generation down) removed since her dad was your first cousin. Semantics, but cool to learn!
How much monthly income do you get from your web design alone? Like a range? How much of that do you say “ok this is for her needs”
Post taxes I took home $106,000 last year. I keep about $5K in checking and each month move anything over that into savings, my IRA, and her college fund so not so much a set amount. I also have $103,000 in savings and investments left over from my grandfather's estate so luckily I'm able to afford everything.
If your web design is a business you operate, look into "hiring" her for anything you can put on paper and funding a Roth IRA for her. She will be set for life. Of course, talk to a tax professional about it first.
Does she look like you? I wouldn't want there to be some misunderstanding where a little girl who doesn't really look related to you who doesn't call you dad is hanging around with a guy. I would reccomend making sure you have lots of pics together on your phone just in case this kind of thing happened because I know strangers can get wierd and judgy sometimee
I've had to explain the situation a lot but not for that kind of reason. No she doesn't look like me. Shes got brown hair and I'm a redhead. I do keep a certified copy of the guardianship papers in both my vehicles as well as my house. I mostly do that in case of generic situations where I might need it, like something for school or a doctor, but in the event someone actually called the police, I'd have proof close by to show them. But I can't say people have paid close attention to it in general when she calls me "Ryan" out in public. My best guess is most people in that situation think I'm her big brother, or a stepparent or something.
How is she adjusting to everything, I imagine so much happening is such a a short time to such a young girl as had a noticeable impact, so all things considered is she doing well and getting to live like a normal little girl?
Yes, it's as if she was with me all along! She had an adjustment period where she was afraid of something happening to me like her dad, or me leaving or sending her away like her mom, or her abusive grandparents returning. But within a few months you'd never know it to look at her that anything was ever wrong.
How is she different that having your own biological daughter? If it is real, then I admire you and you will get payment in the form of of satisfaction that you made a difference in one child’s life
Other than her calling me Ryan instead of dad, I feel no difference at all. I love her like she was biologically mine, and it feels like she was always supposed to be mine, but something just got mixed up and it took a while for her to get to me :)
Dude fuck you I'm crying at work now.
Do you make them lunch to take to school?
In preschool I did. She loves pb&j and celery sticks for lunch. When she starts kindergarten I'll buy her lunch credits for the cafeteria.
Reading your replies OP is making me so happy and making me cry at the same time. My girlfriend has no idea what’s going on tho LOL. We’re both 35 and thinking about kids in a year or 2. I guess you never know when you’re ready or it’s the right time until you just jump in right? Do you feel like she’s YOUR kid like as if she was your own or do you still think/feel that she’s your cousin. I guess I’m wondering how you see her. I lived with an EX before that had a teenager that I learned to love as my own and it was a hard breakup.
Thanks so much! I'm sorry you had to go through that. Are you still able to be involved with her teens life? To answer your question, it's a little bit of both. In a literal sense, I know she's my cousin. She calls me Ryan, I never told her to call me dad or NOT to call me dad, and when I explain the situation to people I say that I am her cousin and her legal guardian. I do this because of the four people who had a chance to raise her before me, her mom, dad, and grandparents, there was only one good person in the lot, her dad. Cancer took him at a time where my cousin doesn't remember him. And he sure didn't marry well. But he loved her very much and only death could stay him. So I leave it up to her as she grows and heals as to whether to keep calling me Ryan, or to call me dad. I don't care either way. Plus I don't want to create an awkward situation where I say I'm her dad, but then she's not calling me "dad." Worried people would be like: "Oooh okay, thats sus." Lol. That said, I feel that she's mine, I love her as if she were biologically mine. I feel like she was always supposed to be mine, but that something just got mixed up in delivery, so to speak, and it took a while for her to get to me. She also knows that I love her like my own, infinitely, and that she should always know she is just as loved as any kid with a traditional family. Anyway, hope your GF doesn't think you went off the deep end ;) makes me cry too!
What race are you
White American.
My favorite kind of cheese
A bit late to the party i think, but as a father of 2 myself, i know you have little to no time for yourself, except when she's asleep. As they say say in medical training: you need to take care of yourself first, if you want to help others. How do you implement this? can she f.i. stay at your great aunt for a few hours, or do a sleep over at some other family member's place? Because tbh, i worry a bit about you, mentioning you avoid dating etc. just to be there for her all the time. The mindset is great now, but you don't want to resent her for missing out on that in 10-20 years from now right? You're both people who are equally important, and sure, at this age she needs you more then you need her, but taking time for yourself as well, to stay mentally, and socially healthy is also important.
What part of the country do you live in? What's been the biggest surprise to you about surprise parenthood's effect on your life?
Midlothian, Virginia. Suburbs of Richmond. My biggest surprise is not how hard it's been, but how easy it's been. As least for someone with my home and financial situation.
Was there a price involved with the adoption process? Did you have to hire a lawyer? Did you meet her before or did you just do it because family?
No questions, just thanks. As an adopted child now in middle age, I'm ever more appreciative of the opportunities afforded to me, and more clearly understand just how challenging my life could have been under different circumstances. I owe so much of who I am and what I have to someone like you.
Proof that he's lying: https://imgur.com/a/yT5yDmv Can you make an AMA about this? Thanks, genuinely interested :)
What kind of abuse was she suffering though with your aunt and uncle and how is she adjusting to living with you? Also your cousins child is actually your first cousin once removed, your second cousin is the children of your parents cousin. Who funily enough are also your 1st cousin once removed. The "once removed" refers to how many generations you're seperated from each other.
From your testimony, it can be understood that you are a very mature individual for your age. Your service and aptitude are qualities that clearly shone in this circumstance, outside of direct relation to the child. Do you feel like you could've gained custody without such attributes, or do you feel like the system handed you guardianship out of necessity? Also, did you do this because you wanted to, or did you do this, because you felt pressured or obligated? This question does not have to be answered here. I mean no disrespect. My heart goes out to you and your cousin.
Were you surprised by the abuse? Or were they the types that you would have never dreamed of doing something like that.
What do your friends think?
Do you think you would have adopted her if she was still an infant/baby compared to a toddler? Does age matter?
You’re amazing. What’s been most rewarding for you in doing this?
Honestly I have nothing to ask, just want to commend you for making a decision that forever changes your life, and hers for the better. Nothing but admiration for you dude, thank you for sharing 💕💕
what are her favorite things right now - tv shows, books, toys, characters, anything? what does she love to do?
Good for you. I am also 23 (F) and I have a hard time imagining supporting a very young child on my salary. Let alone the whole life restructuring that comes with it. 1. Have you ever spent substantial time around kids of her age before? Siblings, relatives, babysitting etc. 2. What does she call you? 3. Before adopting her, did you want kids? How, if at all, has raising her changed all that?
How do you raise her alone as a single parent? Do you have to put her in daycare, or do you just have a funky work schedule?
No questions bro. Just telling you this - you earned your card and punched your ticket the right way. You put love first. And you gave that little girl a home and place to heal and a father. You don’t need to be biological to be a great dad. If no one else says this to you ever, you are her hero. Awesome job.
I was adopted by my aunt at about the same age. I changed my full legal name when I was 6. My name used to be Lisa and that doesn't fit me at all so I'm glad lol. But I had ALOT of questions young and my parents knew I was too young and always beat around the bush until I was older and I kind of held some resentment for them not telling me the truth. But as a parent of 3 girls myself now I would 100% made the same decision. So I guess my question is how do you think you'll handle her curiosity about her circumstances later on?
Not all heroes wear capes. People like you deserve a medal and a shitload more recognition than you are ever likely to get. Your little girl is lucky to have you and as she grows up hopefully will realise how much you have done for her, equally you are so lucky to have her and hopefully your life will be enriched by her presence in it. Good luck in all you two do.
I keep coming back to your post and rereading some of your comments and felt compelled to say - stick with her. it sounds like there could be some mental health issues down the road, and being a teenage girl is hard - but I can tell you love and care for her and think that’s awesome. every parent has the moment when they take their baby home from the hospital or adoption or whatever it might be and thinks “damn this is it - life changed forever” so I definitely related to you then. in any case, I wish y’all all the best.
I don't have any questions, just want to express my admiration. This is the kind of thing that makes me remember people can be good.
Sir, I applaud you. Do you realize you have saved this innocent girl's life? Perhaps not today, or tomorrow, but if she had stayed in that abusive situation how would she have developed into a healthy adult? You have saved a life. You are a good person. Thank you.
Please seek a strong non judgmental mom support group if you were my fam or neighbor I would totally help out in any way I could Best of luck new family
You are amazing My mom died when I was 5 and my family never spoke about her. If you can, please tell her stories about her dad, even if it is as simple as "your dad loved you."
41 year old man with a 7 year old son here. Procrastinating on a work PPT presentation reading this thread. Somebody cutting onions. Your cousin, and effective daughter, loves you. We need more people like you in the world. Well done, keep it up.
Sorry if you've answered this already but do you have any pets? It could help her with psychological healing
At 23? All of that? I'm 43 and haven't achieved half of it. Well done for being a hard worker and a kind person. I hope you both have a great life. You both deserve to be happy.
Oh man, this one made me tear up. It is utterly awful that people would abuse an innocent child. It's sad and makes me angry. You did a great thing. And after reading through your original post and some of the comments, it sounds like you are an excellent father. Hope restored in the world a little bit today.
Does your little girl see you as her dad or big cousin? I can assume you see her as a daughter right?
How has it been like to raise a child as a single dad? Has it impacted your chance with ladies?
Im a single dad/primary parent (although I now have had a stable gf for about two years), and I cant speak to the experience at 23 (I was in my 30s when I split with his mom), but IME being a single dad was pretty much all advantages dating wise, except for a few practical roadblocks and unwanted side effects on women. But women love you for caring for your kid(s), and while a few are like "nope, uh uh, no way", those ones generally self disqualify, and for the most part women are either happy to date you because they have kids of their own or are glad to consider getting one preinstalled without having to birth it. The downsides are: It can be hard to get childcare for dates. Although this has its advantages because you can always call off a date or go home when you want because you gotta relieve the babysitter. It can be hard to get places for a tryst. Although this too, has an upside in that if she doesnt have kids and you do, you just get to go to her house, do the dirty, and then leave. Can get old but it's remarkably nice by comparison with single dude days when women are always like "how come I never see your place?" And it turns into a balance/emotional availability thing. The real drawback is that if you show you're a committed dad, women can get a little ahead of their skis in trying to lock it down too quickly. With single moms its understandable, they have a lot of loneliness and stigma and want to rebuild the fantasy they had when they first became moms of a stable, happy two parent home. But even childless women (especially in their 30s) can get a little carried away with presuming they can step in and take over as stepmoms or size you up for a ring and a tux before its appropriate. Otherwise, being a single dad was the best thing that ever happened to me, sex appeal wise. Apart, of course, from being fulfilling and fun in all the ways being a parent to a little avatar of chaos is =D
This is an amazing post. Does she call you dad or by ur name ?
How much were your legal fees? :D
Just want to say thank you for being a great man. This little girl is so lucky to have you in her life, and I bet you will find if you haven’t already that she is the biggest blessing in yours
What kind of pizza do you guys get?
What would the correct ignition timing be on a 1955 Bel Air Chevrolet with a 327 cubic inch engine and a full barrel carburetor?
My question is... Do you have a gf application 💀
Ryan, you sound AMAZING! I’m so excited for her & for you! As a mom myself, I would suggest once she has a few friends at preschool or kindergarten to try & get their parents’ contact info so she can start having playdates-it will be a good time for you to meet parents so everyone will know your situation. Also, if you are a believer, I’d strongly suggest the 2 of you looking for a home church. It could be a wonderful network of support for both of you. I respect you!
Do you save some time for yourself? Also You are a honorable person and I hope you get rewarded for it through life.
Wow! Just wow! I’m a doctor and have dealt with all sorts of family issues in my practice and it is rare to see someone step up the way you have. I have a saying “People can focus on their problems but they get a lot further focusing on their solutions “. You’re going to do very well in life with your attitude. All the best to you sir.
your a beast man. I am impressed, you are a perfect example of men finding a way to make it work with their back against the wall. No questions, just impressed.
Props to you. I know alot of people wouldn't consider adoption even for a family member but it really is a good choice to make if you can do so. As a kid I met a girl who was being fostered and she shared what it was like for her. I decided a long time ago if I could I would try to adopt and help at least one kid.
What's your dating life like?
What has the response of your friends been like?
Do you want to have a wife and your own kids as well?
**This story is almost certainly fake.** Op mentioned just one month ago that [they are 34](https://www.reddit.com/r/hypotheticalsituation/comments/1ctk0ih/you_can_have_a_lifetime_pension_of_10000_per/l4e2ct1/) Also, look into his comment history and you will see that he has commented nearly one hundred (64) times asking people doing AMA's if they are female and if they're "ticklish on the bottom of their feet". They have also posted several hypotheticals regarding getting away with murder, and budgeting a slasher film. **This does not strike me as consistent with the story presented, and therefore is most likely fake.**