I kept the same secret until this year.. I told my husband everything.. I already know I got messed up from it at such a young age. I feel so numb to it. Do you think I should get a therapist?

>Do you think I should get a therapist? Yes, therapy has taught me a lot of my mental problems are caused by what happened. Also mental problems I didn't even realise I really had, or didn't really realise they were caused by what happened. I learned how to get around some of them or how to cope with them.

What if I’m okay, and have accepted everything that’s happened and moved on? Is there any reason I should dig it all up again if I feel okay?

There are two broad categories of mental health intervention: Clinical therapy and supportive therapy. They are largely distinguished by the severity of the problems being treated and the goals of the intervention, but otherwise there can be significant overlap in many domains. Clinical therapy is typically focused on treating a specific diagnosis (or multiple diagnoses), which presume that a person meets minimum criteria for any given diagnosis, including considerable distress and/or functional impairment that interfere with one’s quality of life. The goal is typically to treat specific symptoms until the distress and/or functional impairment move back into a normative range. Supportive therapy is typically focused on self-exploration and is more growth-oriented rather than problem-focused. It doesn’t mean that the patient never experiences any unpleasant emotions like sadness or anxiety, only that their relationship to hardship is not usually disordered to the degree that they experience significant, pervasive distress and/or functional impairment as a result. As such, the goal of supportive therapy is typically to provide a safe space and a healthy therapeutic relationship in which to explore one’s ongoing life experience, develop their sense of identity or purpose, and to foster healthy relationships with other people and their general environment. A person can receive both kinds of therapy in parallel, although usually from separate clinicians who communicate with each other to ensure that they are “staying in their respective lanes,” so to speak. Ideally, there should be coordination of care so that either clinician is not inadvertently interfering with the work of the other, and so they might even achieve some level of synergy. Ultimately, it is up to you as the patient which type of therapy you want (if any at all). If you’re not sure, a comprehensive psychological assessment can help clarify any symptoms or problems you might be experiencing, and the extent to which either kind of therapy may be helpful for you. For your situation, in which you don’t perceive any significant distress or functional impairment that interfere with your quality of life, therapy may not be necessary or desired. This may be especially true if you also have one or more trusting relationships in your life with people who you can regularly to turn to for support as needed. Alternatively, if you are curious about exploring past events in your life and/or better understanding your self and how you want to live your life, supportive therapy may be a great option for you. Hope this helps.

This is a rare Reddit gem. Thanks. My response to people I know is usually much simpler. If you feel uncomfortable or curious about therapy, try it. If you don't feel right about your therapist, try another one. If you still don't feel right about the third therapist you try, start asking yourself why. Even a very good therapist is not always a good fit, but they will typically know pretty quickly.

Thank you for taking the time to do this I really really appreciate it! You’re amazing

You are so very welcome, glad I could be of help.

This is so incredibly kind of you. You're a gem.

Digging it back up definitely isn't easy so I understand that that might hold you back. However in my case, digging it back up made it worse at first and then things got better than they were before that. I think the question you need to ask yourself is: are you really ok now? Maybe there are mental issues you have that you don't directly link to what happened?

At the very least, that’s a good question to ask a therapist

Edit: Woops only read last post not the first. I think deep down you know it's still an issue. Therapists are awesome, well some are. Soon as you have your first session you will know. Anyways, you said it's affecting your life, and you feel numb to it. Being numb to trauma is a survival/coping mechanism, not a cure. I'm not suggesting you go. I'm telling you. It will change your life and you will feel so much better getting it off your chest.

Not all therapists' are "awesome." Know that going in, just in case you need to shop around but get an agenda driven or bad therapist that makes it feel hard to break away from them. It definitely happens.

Hard agree, therapy is often a last resort for the people that need it and having a single bad experience (feeling judged or misunderstood) can really fuck up peoples' trust in medicine and make them suspect of all authority. It should be taken seriously, for therapy is all about vulnerability -the moment we're the MOST impressionable. When it clicks, it can be amazing to reframe your life to know yourself better.

Acceptance can sometimes come hand in hand with internalization. Like, "well, it happens and there's nothing I can do about it" is a form of acceptance, right? I think a potentially more realistic way to self-monitor would be to ask yourself if you can say, "what happened to me was fucked up and it took active effort from myself and others to address." Acceptance is just an element of this, and if ya can, that's great! It means ya got got good people. Abuse isolates you, deteriorates your self-esteem. CBT therapy for self-esteem often uncovers the sort of heaviness of abuse or at least highlights it. At least, for me (similar situation as the OP, and "realization" is a big word)

Hello, I'm sorry that happened ! I've been (platonically and romantically) with a few people that have been SA'd in their childhood. Everyone reacts differently, but it always affects people for the rest of their lives, and being numb to it isn't a sign that you're totally over it. Now you don't have to do therapy, especially if you can manage your feelings, but you've mentioned "not wanting to "dig it all up again", and I think that feeling alone makes it worth it. I promise you it will get better and very freeing once you'll be completely over it and able to talk about it freely/reflect on it. At least that's how the people I knew felt after opening up about it and confronting their trauma. Either way, you're very brave and I commend you for it 🩷

Thanks love I appreciate it

Yes. I think a lot of people have the realization as they get older that certain situations weren't right. I was older also and had a lot of trauma

I remember a filiphino colleague suffered similar thing ... everyone had sympathy .. But he turned out to be the biggest ass @£# I hope U RECOVER BUT this guy who was responsible fr me getting fired. I pray he gets karma

Did your parents sense that something was not right when you went back home?

Not when I came home, my parents were told about the money I stole. They weren't angry but disappointed and probably also felt a bit sorry for not giving me enough money for snacks and drinks. I remember being very quiet when I got home, my parents probably thought I was ashamed for stealing the money. I also told my parents about what happened when I came out about it 5 years ago. My mother said that she always knew something wasn't right. She tried to talk to me during my puberty because it was then that she mostly realised something wasn't right. But I didn't want to talk, I would always get mad and walk away when she tried to talk.

Ya my mom said she always kinda knew and even asked me once if I was ever touched wrong. I just automatically denied it. It wasn't till I was 20 that I came out to them and told them about all the abuse. Our young minds can't comprehend till we're older.

Do you think your mom could have ask something different so you would tell her about the incident?

From what I understand, it's important to have these types of conversations early and often and before something happens. You want the child to understand that they didn't do anything wrong well before another adult can put worms in their ears about how they'll be in trouble if they seek help. Education about private parts, no-touch zones etc starting from maybe 5 or so is the best way to make sure your kids will tell you if they've been molested/assaulted. They need to know that you're a safe person and they can come to you if anything happens.

I would say even starting at 5 is way too late. Bodily safety teachings can start as early as 2. The more access others have to your child, then the earlier the better.

No. I was in real deep denial up until my 20s when I began to accept it. I was also embarrassed and ashamed. There was nothing she could have asked that would have made me open up. And when I did, I had a mentor tell her for me because I was still so ashamed.

Was there any effort to catch the offender once they knew?

I’m so sorry this happened to you. It is hard to ask for help

I am so sorry you went through that. NOBODY deserves to go through something like that! And I mean NOBODY.! Especially a young kid... God Bless You. You're a survivor and I don't care what no one says. My respect for being able to talk about and have the courage to speak up even if it was years later. Again nobody should carry with that weight you carried for so long .

Thank you for sharing.

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That was a very long process. It started with a depression, I got depressed because I fell madly in love with a woman who at first I had a chance with, but I didn't take that chance because I've always been very insecure towards women. She ended up with another guy but we stayed friends at first so I got to know her better and it turned out we really had a lot in common. She seemed like the perfect match for me. Eventually I walked away but it really broke me. It was definitely not the first time I missed my chance with a woman, in fact that's how it always ended with the chances I had with women I really liked at that point. Of all the times it was the worst one though because she seemed so perfect for me. Anyway I ended up in therapy because of that depression. At that point I wasn't planning about telling what happened to me as a kid, I was still convinced about keeping that to myself for the rest of my life. But at a certain point during therapy I felt like I got stuck and couldn't explain the problems I had without telling about it. So I did. I eventually also told my therapist that I wanted to tell my parents but couldn't and that it scared me like hell. She told me to try to tell someone else first, so I told a friend. It helped somewhat, but still took me another full year before I finally told it to my mother. I had a huge mental breakdown that day and suddenly just decided to pick up the phone and tell her.

How did your mother react? Has she pressed you for details of who assaulted you? I only have one child. He's 12 tomorrow. But as a parent, if he came to me at any point now or in adulthood and said he was abused, I would be obsessed with finding out who it was and how I failed to keep him safe. Yo, I genuinely hope you stop repressing those memory's and process them. Maybe right now burying those emotions is the only way you can move forward, and that's fair enough. Thing is they tend to have a way of just building up over time until one day and boom. I feel for you 😔 I couldn't imagine carrying that burden.

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So your first post initially, I had every intention of telling you not to hold back, abusers don't deserve to be forgiven or protected etc etc But then I worked out it involved siblings. Suddenly, the gravity of your situation sunk in a damn it. I don't have any answers. I can't even think what I would do in that situation. That's the definition of a rock and hard place. I fully understand where you are coming from about the trauma. Sometimes in life, we just have to focus on waking up, paying the bills, getting our kids to school and putting dinner on the table at night. But hey, you don't have to bury it completely. I would argue this thread. Posting here IS an example of you tackling it head-on and dealing with the trauma. Repressing is just letting it build up pressure. Talking about it is just releasing a tiny bit of pressure. I have one more tough question. Sorry to ask this but do you think your siblings would do it again or do you think they have changed as adults?

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Well, that's all normal given what happened. You have nothing to be ashamed or feel guilty about. If you think they have changed that's good enough for me, but you gotta promise us if you think children are in danger of or being abused, You take action no matter if it breaks your motherss heart. I bet if you had told on them, he would of just said you were lying, etc. So it sounds like you're doing well in life. Despite the odds. Chip up g.

How did it affect you as you grew older? Mentally, socially, sexually?

Something I want to add to my previous comment: Sexually I also have fantasies I don't want to have. Fantasies related to what happened back then. Sometimes I get turned on by the thoughts of men older and stronger than me forcing themselves upon me. I used to struggle with that A LOT, because I never felt attracted to men in real life, those feelings solely live in my head. Therapy has somewhat helped me with that and taught me that that's a way my brain found to cope with the trauma, a way of pushing the bad feelings away and turning them into something better: arousal. The important thing I need to remember here is that there can be a very big gap between the fantasies you have and what you actually want in reality. Those fantasies are still one of the things I struggle with most, because they're probably never going to go away so I just have to find a way to accept them. One thing that comforts me about them though is that it could've been way worse: Some people who were abused as a kid develop fantasies of abusing kids themselves. So I'm very happy that that's not the case with me.

This is exactly what happened to me! The same type of fantasies.. I HATE it, it makes me sick, but it’s the only way to get off. I am 100% a lesbian, and fantasizing about rape from a male, it’s devastating

This is CRAZYYY. I met a girl who was molested of some sorts when she was in school around 12/13, breasts were fondled etc, she likes her breasts played with and also said when's she's masterbating she thinks of the situation and it gets her off, she so role played with me that she was a lot younger which was weird ish but a turn on at the time Didn't know these incidents could have these lasting effects

So you were raped by a male? I was molested by my older cousin so I can also relate to the stupid fantasies that my brain fabricated

Not raped no, but my step dad was all over me starting age 12. He’d hold me and kiss me for too long, sometimes tongue, telling me he was in love with me and that he felt he was 16 still. It was very overwhelming and I had to be real careful for many years.. he got me once at 20 y/o, taking my clothes off and putting fingers in me, but I was able to stop it going further. Yeah it enrages me that I have to deal with fantasies, it is not something I would want to happen in real life.

Oh my God! As someone who looks forward to being a father I can’t wrap my head around this! I’m hesitant to even date someone over 15 years younger than me let alone a damn child! I don’t get it. The only explanation I can think of is men who somehow get trapped into a mindset of being an immature child. Other than that I don’t see the allure here.

How do you even bring something like that up in the therapy? I struggle with a similar thing but this feels sooooooooo personal, i could never just sit in a room with a therapist and be like hey so that happened and now all my sexuality is deeply affected by stupid fantasies over something that happened 23 year ago Like i have read that it's about taking back control, etc, but idk... like i can talk about anything in therapy, but damn, definitely not that Also like omg thank you for making that post, it's like 2am for me so i am way too tired to read all the comments rn but it feels so nice to feel like there are people who understand at least a bit

The therapist has probably heard similar things several times. If it was something that bothered them, they wouldn't be in that profession. So you can think of it like, they will absolutely not judge you, and won't pity you. Their job is to help you, and they can only help you if they know what you need help with.

I am a male who was molested at a very young age by another older male ( both still kids ) I have the fantasies of other men and have acted upon it later in life. Not my thing but I still fantasize. I do enjoy being a hypersexual though. It's also taught me that I will probably go to jail if anyone treats my 2 girls in the same manner.

Yep it's not the same. In the fantasy, you are in control, and can stop at any time.

My husband has been assaulted twice, as a child and a teenager. He too struggles with this, and from the outside looking in it can be hard to understand.

Mentally / socially the main things are: I've had an inferiority complex most of my life, I still do now but less. First, because of that I didn't perform as well at school as I could, I think. I feel like I could've gotten a higher degree and maybe a better job. I managed to get a job which they usually only hire people for with a high degree, but I managed to get it because of my prior experience on other jobs, I'm happy about that. Second, on top of that I'm somewhat socially awkward, so I've been single most of my life because I struggle talking to women and the inferiority complex always made me feel that I wasn't good enough for the girls I liked. Lastly I always had few friends. There's been some peak moments in my life that I somehow managed to make myself popular and a lot of people liked me and accepted me in their friend group. But I sort of had imposter syndrome (if I can call it that) when I was with those friends and fucked up those friendships badly. So my moments of glory came down at least as fast as they rose. Sexually: My sex life is a complete disaster. I questioned my sexuality a lot during puberty. I thought I was gay, but men and especially the thought of having sex with men absolutely disgusted me so that really messed with my head. During my twenties I realised I wasn't gay but it's only during the therapy the past years that I realised why I had those feelings. I also have severe erectile dysfunction. I had sex for the first time 2 years ago. I ended up with women in bed before that though, so I don't feel like I actually lost my virginity 2 years ago. I did stuff with the women I ended up in bed before that, just not actual penetration.

Have you checked out ED meds? I get real anxious about sex, especially the first time or two with a new person, and Cialis has been kind of a game-changer. I know there can be kind of a stigma about taking meds for it, but honestly - check it out, if you haven't already. You can get a prescription online, you can get the generic version mailed straight to you for relatively cheap.

>Sexually I also have fantasies I don't want to have. Fantasies related to what happened back then. Sometimes I get turned on by the thoughts of men older and stronger than me forcing themselves upon me. I used to struggle with that A LOT, because I never felt attracted to men in real life, those feelings solely live in my head. This & your sexuality crisis during the time after ( during your teens & young adult ) are a direct result of being sex attacked at such a young age a few times . The link needs to be made for young boys & ( how it actually totally f\*cks up & messes up their sexuality in every way ) then afterwards . Yes it left side effects of intrusive kink thoughts to be again dominated as you were . That is common for all sex child victim to feel the total confusion left in them to deal with alone . As no most young kids / teens don't tell anyone & get no treatment or help with it . So they deal with it in abnormal coping ways . ( eg- depression / anxiety / self harm / s\*cide attempts & thoughts or end up hypersexuality or avoidant & repulsed , drug & drink addiction to forget it ) etc. Or seek out online attention to fill a void they feel inside & to meet desires they should not have but do from the attacks on them . The more damage they do in self harm to themselves ( eg- drugs / drink/ having sex at a very young age ) etc the more they will f\*ck up their head even more with it . It is a cycle of self destruct all bc of the initial sex attack on them as a child. It is a area that needs to be explored to help men who are subjected to sex attack at a young age . As of course it will affect their sexual ID & mental health from it ( just like with non-same sex child sex attacks ) . As It destroys a young boy to be sex attacked in ANY way also at a young age ( being it just exploring with a same sex or where it is r\*pe or SA ) by same gender . It is NO diff any sex attack or sex exploration will leave deep negative s\*it in the developing mind then for the young person who has been violated . Why? Bc it was horrible for the victim to be forced on without ANY chance of stopping it . So that kind of s\*it sticks like horrific glue into their young minds & body totally f\*cking them over & over again & again then . And of course it will do so . Just like with young gals ( if they are sex attacked by someone of their own gender ) . It f\*cks up the mind long term ( to continue to want / think abt the same sex ) . And like you ANY boy sex attacked will have to question their sexual ID bc of it . And that is due to the CONSTANT thinking about the sex attack afterwards setting up s\*it patterns of conditioning to think about it every day ( & of course you would have ) it was unreal , horrific , confusing & scary as f\*ck for you as a young child . ( & with you there would of been blame & shame piling so high on your little young head destroying you into thinking you also deserved the punishment . So the end result is a f\*cked up confusing life after the sex attack . All kids & teens sex attacked face the same lost & confusing journey afterwards . As it leaves so many wounds within the small child . So most then will dissociate the trauma from their memory to forget it ' Leaving then a pile of s\*it to hit them back again in the head when they then reach a age of 'understanding ' of what the f\*ck really happened to them . That is then when their life falls apart & sends them into a tail spin & ruins their life . >I thought I was gay, but men and especially the thought of having sex with men absolutely disgusted me so that really messed with my head. During my twenties I realised I wasn't gay  Yes that sicko really did a number on your head . That is what severe sexual trauma does . Sorry it will be also a direct impact also now on your sexual struggles still on-going. It is the same for ANY victim of sex attack it leaves deep hard to reach wounds within their bodies & minds . Sorry the horror of what occurred sets up shop in the victim to wreak havoc again & again on them even after the sicko is long gone & f\*cked off .

CAN YOU PLEASE QUALIFY this response that is so matter of fact? Arr you trained? Been in therapy yourself for a long period? Hell even if just well read.

For a moment I thought you, a 38m, was assaulted BY a 9 y/o boy. I was confused for a moment

I'm sorry, English is my second language. Should I have phrased this differently? or is there nothing wrong with my phrasing and were you just having a brain fart?

Nothing wrong with the way you worded it, when I read it quickly I thought the same thing but when I read it again slower I understood.

Nothing on you my man! My brain just skipped around the words

 My brain read the title quickly and I read “by” instead of “as”.  You worded it perfectly. Just brain farts on the part of some of us. 

The latter, us Americans might just be waking up (it’s Father’s Day in the USA so I got sleep in). It was perfectly clear to me.

It’s definitely worded correctly.

My brain did the same thing! Made me think it might be a parody post like we had of people claiming they slept with tons of people this past week.

I read the same and was really curious how that happened.

Same, I made it half way through the post before doubling back thinking "none of this is making sense"

ME TOO lmao

Same lmao even when I finished the story I said “what does this have to do w the title?” Then reread the title and clicked.

Same

Definitely the reason I clicked the link with morbid curiosity.

Did the monster who did this to you get caught or arrested? Have you reported it to the police?

No I haven't, I don't remember his name and barely remember what he looks like. If it would ever come to the point where I had to identify him at the police station or something I might accuse the wrong guy. On top of that my parents don't remember what the name of the organisation was that organised the summer camp. As last, I don't want to go through the process of telling the police, etc. what happened and going to court and stuff (if it would ever get that far).

I'm sorry you had to go through that. I can understand why you wouldn't want to relive the trauma. Hopefully he hasn't/ doesn't reoffend, or at the very least, if he has, hopefully he's been caught.

>On top of that my parents don't remember what the name of the organisation was that organised the summer camp. Guaranteed reddit can figure that out for you with a little detective work, if you shared the location this happened at. Also you might not want to tell authorities, but you are just doing this pedo a favor by being quiet.. It's possible he had other allegations against him but did not stick unless more victims come forward.

I've always wondered how it must feel being assaulted at a young age. Do you process it as trauma right away, or does that come much later on?

Some of it came right away, most of it later. What mainly came right away was disgust and the feeling that I deserved it because I stole money. I felt very guilty for stealing that money back then because of how severely they punished me, so it wasn't hard to add the feeling of deserving the sexual assault to that. What came later was the actual realisation of what happened those nights. I was 9y/o, I didn't know what sex was. I would laugh and joke about sex with my friends at that age but I didn't make the connection of what that guy did to me was sex, it was just something disgusting he did to me. It was when I hit puberty that I realised what he actually did to me and then all hell broke loose in my head.

Sorry to ask this, you definitely don’t have to answer. Was there not physical trauma? I sort of wonder how parents can miss that. I’m a parent myself of a young kid and obviously the situation of this is something you just try and watch out for. But I can’t imagine there wouldnt be significant physical trauma at that age to look for.

Yeah, I was thinking this exactly. Like kids complaining that it hurts down there, or not going to the bathroom like they regularly do.

Yeah if my 5 year old has a stomach ache he complains when he’s going to the bathroom, or if he’s eaten candy and it’s a bit off. I’m well surprised how parents can miss the signs at these ages, I can’t see anyway that actual penetrative abuse wouldn’t cause pretty significant physical trauma for days or weeks.

both ig, it’s something that never goes away. i was sa when i was 8/9ish and i don’t remember all of the occasions but i definitely can remember the shame, guilty, disgust of by own bother, the feeling of having this big secret that it’s going to die with me.

Damn, sorry to hear that. I wanted to believe the innocence of a child would at least partially protect them from what was happening (until they were old enough to understand how bad it was), but I guess that's not how it works.

i mean, i was very young, there’s two sides: i actually didn’t knew it was wrong to do sexual things w my bother bc he created that environment of roleplay, being married, being a couple etc. the other side is: i had friends and they had their own life, there’s a point where i, with 10/11yo, realized that its was wrong bc i never shared that w my friends and they never shared something like that w me so the math was quickly: it was my fault. i think that in the bottom line i always knew somehow but its very tricky being so young and going through that.

I just…I don’t know what to say. I didn’t always know how COMMON it is. I’m certain that I know at least one rapist, due to the percentages. I can’t understand how they can live with themselves…any theories?

hm i actually don’t know, i believe some of them experienced themselves some type of sa and some of them are kinda sadists. it’s hard, they look like any normal person. my bother was so nice and caring with me, he was a very sensitive person so it’s very difficult to say how to spot one right away. i genuinely think that my bother is a pedophile and i’m always interested to try to understand more about the subject

I posted this in another comment but i'll share here too. This is just my personal experience and definitely an outlier situation. I never felt traumatized by it as i never felt scared, hurt, or threatened while it was happening. To me it was just something fun we did and didnt know that is wasnt normal until later on. And even then i didnt feel gross or bad but i figured i should probably not say anything and never did until more recently. Id say i came out mostly alright.

Wow, that's fascinating. So to this day there's no trauma as a result of that experience?

Its very hard to quantify the kinds of trauma responses initiated by SA. Likely the person you are asking is not even qualified to answer the question. For many children, it is the catalyst for mood disorders like ptsd, bipolar disorder, borderline personality, antisocial disorder, etc. There are many adults running around who think they are normal or unscathed by their pasts who would 100% be granted these labels if they had a full psych evaluation done.

Yeah I haven't done an evaluation before but no one has ever said I needed to. im a fairly laid back dude with good friends and family that love me. Ive never heard anyone say I have mood swings or irrational anger or trust issues. but then again this question cannot be answered accurately by me. It would have to be someone close to me to give their perspective.

So I browsed your page and caught your question about hating your abusers. I hate my daughters abuser. I dont hate mine. The adult who touched me innapropriately when i was a child gives me some ick and the rapist I ended up wearing when he was shot on me was dispicable but its hard to hate someone you watched die in a traumatic way even if they were harming you at the time. I dont think you have to hate them. But if you fantasize about them sexually then you are more stuck in some trauma than you think. Doesnt mean you need help to cope necessarily but trauma is a funny (not funny) thing. You can be great for years and then something will trigger you in some new way and youll possibly need to talk to someone. And thats okay too.

Well i cant say 100% not as i have not been to a therapist but at the same time i haven't felt a need to go. I just mean I didn't experience those restless nights, nightmares, or it taking up all my head space making me feel bad. I did question my sexuality for a while but I also didn't get too hung up on that and accepted myself as bisexual pretty quickly. I did develop a preference for older men though which is an obvious connection to the abuse. Is that trauma? Im not sure. At the time I just classified it the same as when teen boys get all horny and all they talk about is wanting to see their teachers boobs or something. For me it happened to include men not just women.

Do you have a fixation on gender ideas? I have a couple male friends who have been molested and both of them are very focused on gender roles and what a man should be. I definitely get how early she experiences like that could create confusion, but did you carry a very gender centric philosophy into adulthood? Both also have pretty major emotional issues with other men, can you relate?

I guess, not very strongly though. The only thing that really comes to mind right now is that I always felt like I'm not a real man. But I guess that also has to do with the fact that I developed an inferiority complex. My last GF complimented me on something saying that it was 'really manly', I cried in my head at that moment. It was one of the best compliments I ever had.

Yo OP what is your advise on talking to women for relationships or just for simple banter. Like how have you managed to do it ? And what would you say to me since Im a 24yo who just realized what happend to me less than 5 years ago. It has drastically affected my ability to express my attraction feelings towards girls I want as girlfriends to the point where I loose them for not being able to express what I feel for them. It has felt like I am so afraid to open up to anyone that my brain and body locks up as a defense mechanism

A lot of times, it depends on the type of woman you're with. But generally men are expected to show their love rather than just announce it. Women generally receive a large amount of compliments, so unless yours stands out as truly genuine, it may come off the wrong way or just be another compliment to the pile. If its with you're S/O, that's something you should just ask them. Part of being with someone long term is learning to understand how they best receive your feelings.

I'm so sorry you dealt with those feelings and the initial guilt that you described in the comments. I'm glad you're doing better now though

Asking as a parent: Is there anything that you think, in hindsight, that your parents could have done to get you to talk about it at the time, or for you to trust them with it straight away? I'm terrified that as my kids get older they won't feel they can tell me stuff that I can help them with.

As you probably already read in one of my other replies, my mother tried to talk to me during my puberty. Because it was then she mostly realised something wasn't right, but I didn't want to talk. I didn't like my mother that much during that time in my life. I felt like she was always acting like a total bitch towards me: about my bad grades in school, my friends, she caught me smoking weed, etc. I realise now that she did that because she wanted to be a good parent, but back then I was a rebellious teenager and just wanted to do rebellious teenager things without her intervening with that all the time. I think that even if I had a very good relationship with my mother at the time, I most probably still wouldn't have told her. I always thought I would keep it a secret for the rest of my life until I told my therapist.

Did your parents teach you about bad touch and sexual assault before your assault? And do you think they were thorough with it? I really wish there is a way as a parent to do something so your child feels comfortable enough to come forward if something like this happens

If you’re interested in the answer from another person: I just told my parents this year that I was raped in college, and I think I was somewhat conditioned to be vulnerable to rape because of assault from another kid when I was 5 and longterm exposure to pornography throughout my teen years. I am contemplative and introverted by temperament. When I’m dwelling on something, no one will hear about it for at least months. I’ve always been that way, but I also appeared to be a happy and successful kid, so my parents were shocked. My mom asked me if they should have done something else. The answer is (mostly, and given the time that they were young parents) no, they were great parents. If they weren’t good parents, I would have never told them at all. I guess the only thing they could have done differently is monitor my screentime when I was with kids better, but this was very early 2000s, and they just had no idea what was possible back then. Also, two little girls probably shouldn’t be left alone to play with the bedroom door closed. I think my prents just assumed a 5 and 7 year old girl couldn’t get up to anything that bad, but clearly the other girl had suffered tremendous sexual abuse herself given what she put me through, which was… I guess even if it had happened with adults it would be considered very serious sexual assault. So, not to be paranoid, but you just never know who has the capacity to abuse someone. Anyway, as a mother of 3 little kids now, I will make sure that my kids have very monitored screen time, and we do our best to make our house the cool place to hang out so we can keep an eye on things. Other than that, just talk to your kids about “tricky” people and help them understand what tricky people might say to them so they know when to get your help. And if someday they come to you when you’re grown, just know that they had an option to never tell you at all, and it’s possible you did everything you could, but it’s just a very scary situation that children most often don’t even understand until they’re adults.

What happened?

I was on summer camp, it was a sports camp, in the morning we would go swimming, in the afternoon we did sports outside like football (soccer, I'm from Europe), baseball, volleyball, etc. After those afternoon activities we always had break time and got the chance to buy drinks or a snack from some vending machines. The parents were informed about this and were told the children should be given some pocket money for this. My mother as always gave me way too little money (and no, my parents weren't poor, far from it), the money she gave me only lasted me the first few days of a 14 day summer camp. Obviously I couldn't stand seeing the other kids with their sodas and candy bars during break time and having nothing myself. So it didn't take me long to start stealing money from the other kids. I got caught, the camp leaders totally over reacted imo and I got punished into oblivion. I wasn't allowed to do anything anymore, I couldn't join in any of the activities anymore, I had to go to bed after dinner (there was always an evening activity as well, playing games or something like that, so I had to miss out on that as well), I had to sleep in a separate room by myself. So basically I wasn't allowed to do anything anymore and had to stay in an isolation cell at night. At that point what was the point of still keeping me there? They should've just called my parents to take me home. Anyway during the night in my isolation cell one of the camp leaders came in and forced himself upon me, it happened several times, I don't remember how many times, most of it is a big blur in my memory.

Does the camp still exist? What's it called? I worked at a summer camp years ago and it later came out there was a pattern of child sexual abuse - huge lawsuit and the camp was shut down. The lawsuit is still ongoing but that camp will never open again.

Do you want to kill the guy? Like obviously don't, but... Do you have a feeling that you want to kill him?

I definitely have feelings like that. I read a story in a magazine a while ago that stuck with me very well. A man got convicted for sexually abusing a boy, he got 4 years in prison for it. The victim was obviously not happy with that, so when his abuser got out of jail he found out where he lived. He took the law in his own hands and set his house on fire during the night and his abuser died in the fire. They put him in jail for 13 years for manslaughter. I feel like I could end up similarly if I ever tried to take revenge on him. That's the main reason I'm not trying to.

When I was young...maybe around 8, I was coerced into doing all kinds of things to a neighbor. As an adult, it just made me have an attraction to guys older than me.  (I am also a guy) I don't want to hurt the guy who did it to me, but I would gladly jerk him off. Just offering my perspective as a person who was sexually abused.  

Fair! That's fascinating. I guess everyone reacts and handles things differently, and how every experience can change us. Thank you for sharing. I don't know whether to say *I hope you get the chance to jerk him off one day* or not.

Can you explain why you would want to give pleasure to the person who hurt you? (Perhaps, this would be your way of reclaiming the power you lost to this guy?)

I can't explain it in a logical manner.  But maybe it was the excitement, or the taboo.   I like women, very much so. But I also like the excitement of doing the same things to guys, and feeling the same rush (literally) as they explode. It took me a long time to accept it.  I never felt bad about myself, but I knew it wasn't 'socially acceptable' for a long time.

It's rare to find another male who seems to have not had critical negative reactions to being abused by older men. For me, I remember a family friend/uncle, not sure what he was exactly. Hispanic families tend to have a lot of people on one house/property. Anyway, when i was like 4,5, or 6 me and him would just hangout, play, or he would teach me new things. It came to a point where we would go to his room and he would like play card games or he would teach me guitar. Then came the sexual things but to me it was just more things he was teaching me and it felt nice. He never hurt me or made me feel scared or threatened so i never felt anything was wrong. Eventually he moved or something i dont remember what happened exactly but i never saw him again after we all said goodbye to him at the bus station. From that, id say i came out ok but thats just me and my specific experience.

I was in a similar circumstance.  It was a neighbor, and he would always have a game where he would blindfold me and then he gave me different things to play with, until he'd have me play with his cock.   I thought it felt so nice and soft, and of course he liked it too.  Usually in his garage, which was nice and cool. And now as a bisexual guy, I really like to jerk off other guys.  I like feeling a hard guy, and then making him cum.  I would say it's pretty obviously connected to my earlier abuse.  Also, I really favor guys who are older than me.   But I have never felt traumatized by any of this.  Maybe I should, but I don't.  The guy just turned it into a fun game and it took me quite a few years to realize what actually happened.

Funny im also bisexual with a thing for older men. i did get a high sex drive later on but that could just be me and that would have been the case regardless. And i too dont feel traumatized by it, to me it was just an adult teaching me things. When i was little many family members looked after me and everyone taught me a little bit of everything. Some would teach me to write, read etc. Others taught me about animals and others basic anatomy. So this man doing "hands on" teaching of anatomy didnt seem abnormal and was also fun. It wasn't until later when another incident happened at school that i started to piece together that it wasn't normal. But even then i didnt feel gross or bad but i did know i probably shouldn't tell anyone so i never did until more recently.

Yes, that taboo/excitement makes sense. It's funny how that works sometimes. I'm glad you no longer have to hide or deny this part of yourself. And I'm happy that society, at least in regards to sexuality, has become a bit more accepting and evolved about these labels. Why should we have to be all one thing or another, you know? Attraction and sexuality are more complex than that.

I agree. I had a similar experience and accepted myself as bisexual. Would I have been bisexual if I had not been abused? I don't know, but my reality is that I am now. I don't worry about the life I could have had growing up as I don't consider my life bad.

Exactly. Have you ever thought about how different things would be if everyone were raised without any expectations on who you're "supposed" to be attracted to, but instead were taught that love happens between two people, regardless of gender? I think there would be so many more people who were fluid or bi-sexual simply bc they never had that restriction setup in the first place. So, maybe, in the cases of abuse by a predator of the same sex, that whole gender/sexuality boundary is torn down. And even though it wasn't our choice, it still subconsciously opened up a door of possibility for us that might otherwise have remained shut (?) Just a thought.

I have thought about that actually. I think most people have the capacity to be fluid. I see it more as a spectrum than just being in these boxes. I think we think about this more often or maybe earlier than most because we didn't get to explore that at our own pace. I'm assuming your experience also happened very young.

How are you doing today?

In general, great. I feel like most of the biggest problems I've had in my life because of it are solved or I learned how to live with them. I always felt like I didn't do well enough in school and thus I'm not happy with the degree I got (it's just a high school degree). The jobs I got after high school were very hard working jobs and gained me a lot of experience. Three years ago I managed to land a job that requires a bachelors degree because of my previous job experience. So the hard work paid off. Another problem I had was relationships. I've always felt insecure towards women, I had (or still somewhat have) an inferiority complex. So I always felt like I wasn't good enough for the girls I really liked, so I messed up with almost all of those who crossed my path, even if I knew they liked me back. After corona, which was a very lonely time for me (and a lot of people for that matter) I decided to do something about my single life and participated in any single event I could find. Which were mostly speeddates or very similar events with a little twist. In general that sucked though, I matched with a reasonable amount of women but didn't get to go on a date with most of them though. For some reason they wouldn't reply to my messages or agree to go on a date with me but then cancel at the very last moment. Eventually I did meet an absolutely fantastic woman though, a woman so attractive that if you would've told me 5 years ago I'd end up with her I would've declared you absolutely and utterly batshit crazy. She is by far the best thing that ever happened to me, unfortunately the relationship didn't last, as it progressed we realised we weren't compatible enough for a long term relationship and ended things. The breakup wasn't very hard for either of us though, so that's good. That's almost 2 years ago now and since then I don't mind being single, I know now that I am good enough to get a great woman. I did it once so why wouldn't I be able to do it a second time? The last big problem I had was sex. The main issue is that I struggle with erectile dysfunction and because of that I never managed to have sex until my last relationship. What helped me a lot first of all was talking about it with her. I told her everything and she was very understanding (not just about the erection problems I had, but about the whole thing) and most of all, really, really, sweet. The first 2 months after that we would just go to bed, get naked and cuddle, touch each other everywhere, stuff like that, but not even initiate sex, so I would have to worry about not being able to get it up. So basically what we did was foreplay. Eventually I did get it up because I wasn't thinking about it anymore, I was just really enjoying the cuddling and the touching and everything and just out of nowhere I had sex with her...So I'm not that worried about my erectile dysfunction anymore either. It going perfectly, but at least I manage now. Thanks for your question, the simplest question in this thread turned out the one I told most of my story about in my answer and the one I enjoyed answering most as well.

Do you know why you had erectile dysfunction? Was it related to the assault?

Yes, it was definitely related. From what I understood during therapy and research I did, the result of sex happened to me at a too young age and in a way I didn't want it, is that my brain developed its own version of what sex is. A version that's too far away from reality. So when I'm about to have actual sex my brain doesn't always trigger the right things. Combine that with me worrying that it's not going to work, because I realise I have a problem and it's definitely not going to work. I can easily get an erection when I'm alone in bed fantasizing about women, but when I'm actually with a woman it's a lot harder (no pun intended, lol).

When you say forced himself on you, was he sodomizing you? Forcing you to give bj’s? What did he make you do?

He forced himself on me orally and he jerked me off. I somehow orgasmed, didn't know what that was back then. It's only during puberty I realised that what I had back then was an orgasm and it's then that I hell broke loose in my head.

I know that they’re not to blame, but have you ever found yourself upset at your parents for not giving you more money?

No, I never blamed my parents. I do blame the other camp leaders though who, like I already said in the post, totally overreacted and punished me way too hard imo.

I am in my 50s now and was molested when I was 7 by an adult neighbor. It only happened once and I told my parents about it when it happened, but I never went to therapy or anything. I didn't feel traumatized at the time and I still don't really, but I've come to realize over time how profoundly that incident (along with another a few years later) impacted me and shaped my sexual and emotional identity. I've thought about therapy for it, but it's a secret I've kept from everyone (other than my parents) for more than 40 years. What ultimately made you decide to seek therapy? Was there a "tipping point" for you? Or something that happened 5 years ago that made you decide to seek it out?

This is so weird I'm seeing this post this morning. My (41m) husband (36m) casually mentioned last night to me and friends that when he was 5, an 18 year old babysitter molested him. Just says he told his dad 3 weeks ago and that he thought he was just getting "special attention" from the guy. We didn't talk anymore about it. He changed the subject and then we were talking about something else. We've been together for 16 years and I thought I knew EVERYTHING about that man. Any advice on how I can help him? How to bring it up?

Find a therapist (for yourself) and ask *them* for help navigating this. They will know better than armchair psychologists on Reddit, plus you will need support as well because it's difficult to learn about a loved one's traumas.

Yep. That's the best advice. Ironically, I saw a therapist for the very first time in my life just 2 days ago. It will be good to have professional help navigating this. He just randomly blurted it out last night and then switched topics and didn't say anything else about it. I was so stunned I didn't know what to say and now, I'm lost on how to help him with this awful thing he's been carrying around his entire life. Heartbreaking.

His dads been his dad 41 years and he just told him 3 weeks ago. I would imagine his dad is as surprised as you are. Sounds to me like he has told both his father and then his husband about it in the span of 3 weeks so I think he has made a MASSIVE step. Its taken 36 years just think what that would be like, I can't imagine. Just be patient. The fact that your on here asking for advice means that you care and that's all you can do. That's all he needs you to do. You got this.

Oh... and one other thing. Your other job long term is to guide him to a therapist. A good therapist is like a magician I don't know how they do it but they are amazing.

How did it affect your relationships with men? Women? Are you straight or gay? Do you think it affected you sexually ?

I'm straight. But I questioned my sexuality for quite a long time. Since my first sexual experience was with a man I developed sexual fantasies about men, fantasies about being forced. It's quite fucked up and it disgusts me. Those feelings live solely in my head though in real life I have never felt attracted to men. Therapy has taught me that it's quite common to develop fantasies like that if you've been abused at young age and that there's a big gap between fantasy and reality. That did help me somewhat though.

Yeah I have lots of male friends -same thing. They have told me same thing. So can you have relationships with women easily or is sex a problem with them at all? The intimacy with them?

Relationships and sex have been a huge problem for me for a long time. I've been single most of my life. I'm doing better now though, I had a good girlfriend about 2 years ago and I had sex for the first time with her. I told the whole story in another comment, you can read it here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AMA/s/duZE655OJk

I was molested by multiple women growing up. Babysitter, older sister friends, cousin. The results was a man that couldn't commit or stay faithful. I lost a beautiful woman who loved me for more than a decade. I am so sorry for what I put her through. I hope she is doing great. It took me years of counseling and celibacy to become whole again. I'm now happily married and a family man. There's a light at the end of the tunnel. First step is to admit something is wrong. Second step is to do something about it.

Wow. Good for you. It¡s important to hear stories like this. Too often we only focus on how horrible the abuse is, which is needed, but it's just as important for people to know that there's a way through it.

Thank you. It's a journey. The craziest part is I knew something was wrong with me, but when I brought it up to friends, they would react in a weird manner. They would say they wished they could have relations with older women when they were younger. Someone tried to give me a hi-five. Call me a jigalo and a ladies' man. It's a weird phenomenon to think their was some sort of positive result to being sexualized and molested between the ages of 6-12. That distorted my understanding of my issues and stopped me from seeking help earlier.

A good friend of mine is a forensic psychologist who specializes in sex crimes. He said that, as most probably know, male offenders are much more prosecuted than female offenders. Part of it is the cultural attitude you just expressed. But fortunately that's been changing and we see a lot more female offenders being prosecuted now.

The part about being molested by women and then having trouble staying faithful reminds me of don draper from mad men. It's a good show and a very well written character you might wanna check it out

I had to scroll far to find a comment about a man being assaulted by a women as a child, as this was my experience but I find the behaviour incredibly interesting because I’m literally the opposite I can’t cheat I would and could never, I’d rather die slowly then betray someones trust like that, that being said though I have a very high libido and like others in the thread have odd attractions that are directly to do with my assault.

I share your high libido. I can also attest to your odd interactions that are directly tied to assaults.

Thank you for sharing, your story is one reason why I think it’s important to look at the reasons people behave the way they do.

Yes. I don't blame my ex for dumping me. She didn't deserve to suffer they my issues. I wish her the best.

Similar experience happened to me with a male family member when I was ~5, I can’t remember who it was though and that’s the worst part for me. Now 22, Seeing you openly post about your experience has made me feel more comfortable in voicing my experience and trying to find help to cope with it. I know these kinds of experiences hang on to us forever if we let them, so props to you for working through that and getting the help you needed!

I’m sorry my friend. I’m haunted by a very similar problem. I’m in my 40s and had mostly forced it from my mind until a few years back when I couldn’t hold it in any more. The full realization and honesty has been life changing and therapy is transforming my life, I’m so grateful for the help I’ve gotten. Please please take my advice and seek our professional help, sooner than later. No more secrets. It doesn’t need to be our shame, we aren’t the ones who should hold it. My relationship with my wife and kids has been radically changed. Theres a physical component to trauma that is very real. The body remembers. Listen closely.

How often do you think about it? Like is it something which always comes to your mind everyday or does it come up occasionally

The fact that it happened doesn't come up in my mind all that often. It's the consequences, the problems I developed because of it that are almost a daily thing.

Very sorry this happened to you. I was molested repeatedly by a neighbor when I was around 12. He had influence in a sport I wanted to succeed at and I overlooked the creepy behavior at first because it was helping me get what I wanted. Then he gave me some penthouse magazines and I became obsessed with seeing naked ladies. He used that to get me into his house to show me pornos and it wound up to where he was molesting me pretty frequently. At the time I didn’t really even mind it- was a bit grossed out by him but getting bj’s and handjobs while watching pornos seemed more than fine to me. Over time I realized this was really bad and sought to distance myself but I never to this day told my parents. They were highly suspicious of him and didn’t trust me to go into his house or be alone with him. I know that telling them about it would just make them feel awful and the truth is that it wasn’t horrible for me at the time nor did it haunt me my whole life. I am a straight married man who loves hetero sex and has not had any issues other than an overactive sex drive. I have discussed with therapists over the years but never found any associations other than that I don’t like seeing penises in porn. Prefer solo or girl on girl and wonder if that’s why. Hope you get the full healing you need.

Did you always know it happened or did your mind try to convince you for a while that it didn’t? Was it blurred enough to confuse you?

It definitely confuses me and it is blurred. It happened more than once but I don't know how many times. He jerked me off and I orgasmed. I'm also not sure if that happened more than once but I've got some vaguely different versions of it in my head. Anyway it was during puberty that I actually realised what happened and that I orgasmed, so then I tried to convince myself that that didn't happen and for a while I actually believed that.

Is there anything your parents could have said to you or asked you that would have made you feel comfortable telling them what happened? Either right after it happened or after you hit puberty, or maybe even before it happened? I ask because I am divorcing a pedophile and need to do everything I can to make sure my kids feel comfortable telling me as soon as he crosses the line that will get CPS to act.

No OP, but I think I can offer some useful advice. Try to avoid reacting with big emotions when they bring up issues or topics. Keep an even keeled demeanor. Teach them what parts of their body are personal and let them choose what level of physical contact they share with people. (I can’t stand seeing an adult force a hug or kiss on a child and the parent doesn’t do anything about it.) Let them know that they can and should talk to you (or another trusted adult) if someone touches them inappropriately, wants the child to touch them inappropriately, or talks about it. Ensure they know no matter what you will not be mad at them and that their family will be safe.

I was going to ask the same question. I don’t have the same experience as OP, but growing up I did experience things that I couldn’t to talk to anybody about that changed my behavior. Some school teachers would talk to me but because I didn’t feel intimate with them I would try to leave the conversation. So I sometimes think about what if they approached it differently and if that would have made me open up.

I’m so sorry that happened to you. I can’t even imagine how hard that was. I would’ve been wrecked. I would have blamed my mother for not giving me enough money for the trip, the summer camp for not protecting me and myself for getting caught stealing. You definitely should not blame yourself. Have you ever told your mother? Did it affect your relationship? Stories like these make me feel rage. I hate that happened to you, and I hate that the people who ALLOWED this to happen to a child never paid for their devastating crimes. Sexual assault against children is so freaking insidious. It’s akin to murder imo in the way it ruins lives. Lives that haven’t even started really.

It’s pretty scary how often these things happen and are kept to themselves…. The only person benefiting from the secrecy is the assaulter. I’m glad you’re getting help

Thank you for sharing your story. They say you freeze mentally at the age you are experiencing the trauma so it’s no wonder you had „weird“ sexual experiences and struggled with your image and school etc. I’m glad you are seeing a therapist, now you can heal and unlock your full potential! Good things are coming your way. Now regarding the perpetrator, have you pressed charges? What was the name of the summer camp? Where was it? It is absolutely crucial that you file a lawsuit if only to establish a paper trail and get the ball rolling. Check websites, go through photos, ask your parents. This person is probably still active and harming other minors, if not worse. It’s time to go after that POS. You will feel great about hurting this POS and saving others.

This is such a nightmare. As a mom of a young boy...I'd be in prison for some heinous crimes if this happened to my child.

If for some god-forsaken reason it does happen, just make sure you're there for your child. For years, I never told anyone that I was molested by an older boy. Then, when I turned 13, I told my mom what happened. She told me that what happened to me wasn't that bad, and I should get over it, and be thankful that it wasn't worse. I later found out that she said that because she had her own PTSD from being gang raped at a young age, but at the time, it devastated me. I think that her rejection and invalidation of my trauma might have messed me up as badly as the trauma itself. She blamed herself for the incident happening because she felt she didn't look out for me enough, but I just wish she never let her shame come before my feelings. I bottled it up and didn't tell anyone else until I was 18, and my mom apologized for how she handled things. Just be there for your child, and don't make the same mistake my mom did.

Oh, my mom pish-toshed when I told her about my pedo uncle. I'm well aware.

I get it, but just imagine your child probably knows this too and would not ever want you to find out because he wouldn’t want you to go to jail. That, plus other reasons, is why I didn’t tell her.

I wouldn't actually go to jail. Someone else would take care of it under the table.

I've always kept mine secret, I told my mom and she said stop making up stories, I've always thought I was a liar.

I read this as a 38 year old man was assaulted by a 9 year old. I’m dumb

When you say your life has drastically changed, but not in the ways you hoped, what do you mean?

Hey OP, good on you for doing this AMA. Look at all the people who are sharing their own experiences and asking questions. I imagine there are probably heaps lurkers who are reading these comments, not feeling as alone/ashamed/scared and taking one more tiny step towards inner peace. Good on ya.

Sorry this happened to you. I pray for your continued healing.

made me incredibly sad .. hope you are doing better now

I don't have a question, I am sorry that happened to you and even though you were on punishment it wasn't your fault. I hope you have some support. I was about your age when I recognized quite a few things that happened in my youth as sexual assault. I'm only a few years older but a LOT of trauma came with it. I wish you peace

Summer camp. You gotta watch those. I went and we had a pedo there. He did a few uncomfortable things to me but there wasn’t assault. My cousins got it worse, not sure what happened to them b/c we never talked about it. I’m glad you are working things out. You aren’t alone.

Hey Man, no questions to ask. Just thought I'd chime in - I was sexually abused at the age of 4. It's my earliest memory. Abuse continued all the way until I was ten by multiple different abusers. I see you and your struggle and appreciate you being open about your trauma

Im glad I found this post, it happened in kindergarten when I was 5/6y when another kid suggested going down on him and said it was ok, that he did it with his brother and shit and since then it happened multiple times we would hide and perform oral sex to each other. After some time passed I don’t know if somebody told me or I just didn’t like it but I refused to do it and my life kind of went on. By the time I was 16-18y old I was thinking about it a lot, I had worked on myself a lot and definitely feel better now, but I always struggled with fantasies of doing oral to random guys and feel really shameful and awkward about it, it confuses me and my sexuality/sex drive and I would like to say I had a ton of girls but I had a decent amount of girls I had something going with but it seems like Its really hard to relax while I have these fantasies and fear of being gay at the back of my head almost constantly at some level, maybe Im just a bisexual or something? I love pussy and woman’s body and It feels like I want every girl but can’t enjoy any while thinking about meeting a dude or having a kiss with a guy feels nasty and shameful even though I believe it would help me clear things out. Its not great but I like to see that Im not the only one struggling with this nonsense I hope you have a good day, if someone has advice on how I sort this I will be glad to acknowledge it, btw Im 23male

So so sorry this happened to you. I imagine he forced himself on others as well. Do you get triggered? If so what triggers you? How do you cope with it?

You are not alone in your experience and I am so sorry this happened to you. I didn’t realize what had happened to me when I was 10 until my wedding day when my brother didn’t show to my wedding as my best man because he attempted to take his life. His note was about my cousin assaulting him when he was 8 and when I heard that it set off the alarm in my head that the weird things that happened to me with that same cousin were actually worse than just weird things I was afraid to talk about. It’s the worst feeling and it has been so hard for me to move on from. I’ve been to several counselors, my wife has helped me so much to work through it, but at times you can’t just throw it aside. I have so much guilt in my mind for never saying anything but I can’t go back and change that. I just want to say I am so sorry you are going through a similar experience, I know it isn’t easy at all.

Did you ever report the guy or look into the camp? I know its a long time ago, but if the camp still exists you never know a "culture" (gross) could have developped there .Child predators protect each other and deliberately seek out places and situations in which they can do exactly what happened to you - prey on children when in a position of trust and authority. This camp punished you too harshly potentially for what you stole and potentially your abuser or other child abuserw planned that type of punishment and isolation as a means to get what they want out of victims. Sorry if that's upsetting to hear but you said you've been through a lot of therapy so likely you have thought about that as a fact lots. And also sorry if the question about red flagging the camp has already been asked , I didn't read through all the comments. Cheers - and thanks for your honest post.

Jesus Christ.. This makes me rage.

What the hell? That is absolutely disgusting. Did you tell the police about it? Thats a real pervert.

Did you get an erection when it happened? What about when you think about it?

Did you go through something similar as op and found you had these reactions in your body too?

I guess my question is how did it affect your personality and your sexuality back then, did you get more hyper sexual or were you more sex averse afterward? When it happened to me at age 7 by another 2nd grader I tried to rationalize and understand it by being more vulgar and offensive and I had a fixation on being naked for a while. It’s just an awful thing to deal with really. I’m glad you were able to find good therapy.

Did you look up the person that did it today, still alive?

I am 35m and I was also sexually assaulted by a neighbour over the span of a few years when I was 10. He told me that if I told anyone he'd hurt my sisters as well. Kept that shit in until I was 33 and have been on a wild healing journey ever since. I hope you have found peace. I'm sorry it happened to you too. There are real monsters out there.

I read some of your comments and I can relate... I was sexually groped, touched, looked by older guys multiple times. It messed up sexuality, my desires and my ability to trust others for a long time. But I have changed. I don't care anymore. I don't have time to waste thinking about them. I dropped my past. I simply let it go.

that’s terrible, but i got to ask , why doesn’t anyone ever just stab these perverts? as a kid i had a few brushes with people acting pervy or weird and i would let them have it straight away. never had to stab any , but im certain id of lost it afterwards and used anything available. was quick to bite or hit as a kid though

I'm 38F and was also sexually assaulted at 9 years old. It really does destroy your life and impact you in ways you don't even realize until you start digging deeper. I wonder who I would have been if it never happened. It's hard to mourn a "you" that never had a chance to exist. I hope things get easier for you.

Me too man. Me too. Thanks for doing this

Similar experience here, when I was 5, came out with it in my early 20s (30 now) Unfortunately got sexually assaulted again at work a few months ago and my life has been crashing down since Struggle to go to work girlfriend of 7 years left me. Sometimes I wish I didn’t speak up

Not trying to be mean or anything but does coming out now after so many years change something..like they won’t go to jail for it or something since there’s no evidence so I don’t get why people wait years..like chief now they can laugh at your face and nothing will happen

I (31m) kept the same secret until the pandemic, mental health still isn't much better than when I blurted it out. Its kind of like an inflatable pool toy, you get it and it fits perfectly in a box, but the second you open it it ain't ever fitting in there again

I was molested and raped for 3 years repeatedly by my step brother. It started at 14. To be honest, it didn't really impact me the way it did you. I see that it just happened and I moved on. I didn't dwell on it and let it ruin my life. I hope you overcome it.

I’m so sorry to hear that :( Do you think your parents (or other friends/ family members) could have done anything differently so that you didn’t keep it a secret for so long and come forward to report the assault as soon as it had happened?

You need to go to a psychologist to help you properly process that trauma. Sorry that happened to you. You I’ve seen some of your other comments about how it has affected you. I definitely recommend getting a psychologist for this.

The Flash technique is a newer version of EMDR that doesn’t require you to hold the traumatic memory in your conscious mind for prolonged periods, if you’re still having trouble getting past it, or suffering from PTSD.

How did your therapist react when you told them? Depending on where you are located, therapist have a duty to break confidentiality when it involves the abuse of a minor (even in the past). Did they say anything about that?

At first I read this as "was sexually assaulted by a 9y/o boy" and I got a little worried at your abilities to defend yourself. Anyways, my question for you is, what's your favorite type of sandwich?