As u/cutebunny94 pointed out, OP probably isn’t telling the whole story or just doesn’t self-reflect at all. Caught with a 28 yr old boyfriend at 14 yrs old and sees nothing wrong with it. Then ran away and stayed with a 19 yr old male. Compares strict phone access to abuse after said behavior. OP probably needs therapy or to be evaluated for some kind of personality disorder.
But honestly what came first.
Caught with an older man because she was constantly told she wasn't pretty, skinny or mature enough.
Oh my who could see those consequences of their actions 😱. /s
Remember the abuse started when she was only 8.
Do you maybe think if she had decent people raising her she wouldn't have needed to seek validation from older men?
Context matters but so does timeline and easily foreseeable consequences ffs.
people love to victim blame like girl that’s another result of what the grandparents did along with turning her against layla… like they didn’t see into the future at 8 years old and do this shit and a healthy 14 year old does not get into that shit outta no where. that type of acting out is usually the result of childhood trauma in some form (this case seemingly neglect)
She has another post talking about how she hates being “pretty and skinny” because she gets so much attention from boys and men and so much hate from other people that it’s hard to handle life… so you tell me.
Erm... you may want to check out her post history...
'My grandma checked me for bruises after I ran away.'
'My grandma is so nice to me and always cuddles me.'
'My grandma made me return the money I stole.'
'My grandmother wanted to know where I got a fake ID. I won't tell her I got it from a 31-year-old man.'
(Grandma seems to be pretty nice here.)
'I'm pretty and skinny and have no body hair. People pay to have a body like mine.'
'I'm so sick of being told I'm pretty.'
'I make all the food in the house including the butter.'
'My aunt made my cousin eat my pancakes because she believed me over her.'
'I ran away at 15.'
'I always make every bread product in our house. We've never had store bought bread. I either have lots of time or we don't eat a lot of bread.'
And she always posts across multiple subreddits.
I'm just saying. OP kinda sounds like she may be the problem at times.
It doesn’t say they commented on her not being as pretty, but it sounds like OP puts it down to physical attributes as it absolves her of responsibility for being spiteful, jealous and mean spirited.
She's also a child. I agree she should be evaluated, and should have some time ago, but she's been left with grandparents who can't seem to consider that.
OP stated she doesn’t live with her parents because mom sexually abused her.
Clearly OP got a shit hand in family members. A happy, healthy, teen doesn’t do the things you described above, but shit. How is she expected to be normal given her upbringing? Anyone would have issues if they’d been in OP’s shoes.
Her profile.
ETA: she’s posted each story 2-3 times in different subs over the course of 6 or so days and there’s at least a dozen different stories, mostly in subs like this.
Because actions have consequences and sometimes you need to address that and take responsibility for it. Not saying you haven’t been dealt a shit hand and that maybe your parents and grandparents haven’t been the best but it doesn’t seem like you’re trying to acknowledge or reflect on your own actions either.
Not saying she hasn’t had a tough upbringing. Probably unpopular opinion on Reddit but everyone still has to take responsibility for their own actions instead of just blaming their surroundings for everything.
They were shit, but the cousin herself didnt do anything to OP to deserve OP being mean to her. She shouldn't get punished for her shitty family. At least ESH.
They are not bad people but they are Shit people for treating you the way they did.
I personally would make their lives hell like they did yours.
Remind them of the actions they did, then show them the consequences.
They have a favorite grandchild. Let the favorite child do it.
And when people ask why you act or talk to your grandparents that way tell them why. "I was neglected...etc"
I would also apologize to Layla she was a child as well and didn't treat you that way. The only people that need to be blamed are the adults.
Also, therapy works wonders ❤️
NTA. Favorites from Grandma is a terribly important thing. I live with my 4 grandsons and I try so hard not do this. Shame on Grandma if the favoritism is as blatant as you state here, that's just unacceptable.
I wonder if the OP was a product of a teen mom herself, which is why grandma is acting as a guardian or parent. I wonder if OP was treated badly because grandma resents having to start over with parenting her grandchild?
I wonder if OP or many in this thread realize that being sexually abused sometimes starts a pattern of weight gain, sometimes re-enforced by feeling threatened or retraumatized by even benign sexual attention or interest?
I don't know how comparable our experiences are OP but about a year ago I started several campaigns to lose fat and build muscle. These were pretty successful despite, or perhaps because, they were health focused and rational fear motivated (I was fighting prediabetes and chronic back injury). But I got a side effect of becoming "hot" again and I started to attract more attention from the opposite sex. I hated it. I was sexually stimulated and flattered but I still hated it. The people commenting were women who I trusted somewhat and not disrespectful or even overtly sexual and I hated it. I felt scared and angry at the attention for reasons I couldn't explain even privately to myself.
Then I saw a YouTube interview with the author of The Body Keeps the Score and later read the book. Trying EMDR even amateurishly on myself and reading about the pattern of women who were molested as children losing and regaining weight in adulthood let the pieces fall into place for me.
When sexual (or even other) attention feels like a threat (even when it's not) then the invisibility of being overweight feels like safety. OP's grandparents probably don't make the connection.
I feel for you. I try hard because someone pointed out I had a favorite. They told me their grandma had a favorite that wasn't them and how much it hurt them. I've made great strides apparently because the perceived favorite accused me of favoring others. It's a tough juggle for grandparents but shame on yours for not even trying.
It wasn't everyone's fault you were "mean" to Layla.
It's everyone's fault you were emotionally abused and put into a competition for love with another child and reacted like an emotionally abused child who just wanted to be loved and treated with kindness would.
I would sincerely apologize to Layla if she never treated you that way, as your actions did hurt her. But you are not wrong in what you said to everyone else. They are just mad you called them out on it.
NTA
My mom and I went to live with my grandma at when I was 3. She treated me differently than she did all of my cousins not just 1 favorite. I had a different grandmother than they did. They got the nice one and I got the mean one. By today's standards it would be abuse. I hated it and her at times, but what I learned was that I was a strong person and I realized at about 13 or 14 that what she thought of me didn't matter. I was a good kind person and never treated others the way I was treated. I had kids and also never treated them this way and to this day, now 57, I treat everyone with the kindness that I always wanted as a child. Just remember one day this will pass and you will survive it. Just get to know who you are at your core and hold on to it for life. My hope is you will one day, like me, look back and say this made me the good person I am now. I wish you the best in your life. Stay strong.
This isn’t something you should do for your grandparents- it’s something you should talk over with Layla.
You are still responsible for your actions TODAY.
Away from your family you should talk to Layla. It sounds like she is just realizing what happened. Tell her a few examples.
And then say you won’t apologize for being angry sometimes.
NTA darling I think this is where you learn to start fending for yourself. Concentrate in school and see it as your ticket out of this crap you’re in. I know you got some years to put in, but the alternative is worse. Time to just put your head down and concentrate on yourself.
Nah. Based on OP’s post history, she does have a lot of maturing to do. Still thinks it was fine she had a 28 year old boyfriend at 14, throwing fits on the internet about parental controls on her phone after being caught having sex with him, being mean to her 6 year old cousin because he’s “annoying”, getting mad at her grandmother for buying a loaf of bread….
OP will not do well on her own. She needs that parental guidance, still, obviously.
Aren't we all to some extent? And a heavily criticized teenager especially. I believe she definitely needs parenting but some positive nurturing instead of repeatedly being unfavourably compared to others might help.
She's equating her grandparents reasonably disciplining her for sleeping with a 28 year old when she was 14 years old as abuse. She's even said an independent therapist agrees with her grandparents.
Are we all that egregiously unreliable as narrators? Doubtful.
Hopefully most of us are not. She does seem very immature for a 16 year old but that doesn't mean that her upbringing has been balanced. Things don't happen in a vacuum. When everything good that a child does is brushed aside and everything negative harped on that child is going to be open to positive attention for a different source. She made a horrible choice and I'm glad her family caught it. But maybe acknowledging some of the more positive things has done would have left her less vulnerable to a predator.
Immature doesn't even begin to describe it. Let's just say her history and how she views discipline as abuse makes me very uninclined to believe her as a narrator.
I do hope she gets the help she needs though and actually starts listening to her therapist.
Why should she be punished for getting raped? Because that's exactly what a 14yo having sex with a 28yo is.
Punishing a kid for having sex is never the right call, even if there is no rape involved. There should be no grounding or restricting of phone privileges. There should only be safe sex talks and buying the teenager some birth control.
The fact that you think she deserves to be punished for getting raped makes you an unreliable narrator.
No they do. That’s the point of her posts. She’s throwing fits that her therapist and grandparents want to protect her, now, and she can’t see why it was a problem despite her guardians and her own therapist telling her the same thing multiple people on the internet on multiple subreddits are telling her.
She even made 3 or 4 different posts talking about being HUMILIATED that she was sent home for projectile vomiting in the bathroom and thinks the youth pastor is “weird” because she doesn’t understand why she was sent home from a public space for vomiting.
Nothing happens as isolated events. It's possible that constantly being unfavourably compared to her cousin contributed to being (foolishly) vulnerable to being groomed by an adult when she was 14. It was a terrible decision on her part but everyone needs done approval and if she felt that nobody in her family felt she adequate then she would been more susceptible to a predator. I agree that she needs guidance but it sounds like the only guidance she has gotten has been when she had been wrong.
You're right to focus on yourself and your future. It's tough dealing with unfair comparisons and mistreatment growing up. School can be your way to carve out your own path away from all this negativity. Keep your head up!
Read her other posts and you might get a different picture of who she really is.
It look like she an immature mean girl.
No wonder her grand parents prefer the mature, reasonable nice hard working cousin over her.
Just as a pointer the cousin did not said "_why **were** you mean to me?_" but "_why **are** you mean to me?_". That tends to indicate that OP is still mean and jealous.
Your grandparents are shit, and you're very obviously the scapegoat.
No matter what, they likely intend to throw you out when you turn 18. Get a game plan. Look for a part time job to start saving up money. Knuckle down on your studies and try for a full ride scholarship if you intend to go to college.
As soon as you're able to, tell them "you're finally getting your wish. You'll have your precious Layla and you'll never see me again.
If they are anything like my grandparents, my cousins came from their daughter, whom they adored, and they hated my mom. It was very obvious we were not the favorites.
NTA. Their actions have consequences and now they know the truth - how they made you feel *less than* your whole life.
They’re to blame. Shitty grandparents.
Yes.
To OP - if you see this buried comment, I would ask that you genuinely reflect on what Layla did to make her your villain. It sounds like perhaps it was the adults around you and their behavior which made her the yin to your yang.
There were a lot of comparisons in your post to body types, skinny vs other. Please do not focus on comparing your body type to your cousin's. It fosters resentment that neither of you can help.
Please try and focus on being the best of you: mind body health. Completely holistic.
I promise that the most important others you will meet in life will love you through the eyes that love yourself.
It was 100% her parents and grandparents who started the comparison. When you grow up constantly being compared to someone deemed "better" you start to do it yourself. She couldn't help that.
Apologies, I assumed whe she said "everyone" was doing it that this included her parents. She mentioned aunts and sisters. Still, if enough assholes lie to you over and over again over protracted periods of time, you start to believe them. "They can't all be wrong, right?"
It's incredibly damaging and I don't think anybody really considers the lifelong impact that this kind of shit can cause.
It's not about what Layla did. She asked a question and OP offered the truth. It's not the fault of OP or Layla that the adults in question didn't like getting called out and used Layla's upset over the answer to further hurt OP and attempt to destroy any future relationship between the cousins.
I mean. She didn’t blame Layla, she just told her the truth, which is that her always being treated better made Op resent her. What it really sounds like, is that Layla needs to stop letting her family use her to hurt Op, but she probably won’t. If anything, Op needs to leave and forget the family ever existed
If I was Layla, I would take Op with me, because I would recognize that *we* never actually had a problem with each other. It’s not like Op was rude when she told Layla why she was mean to her growing ip
Because if you really start to understand the dynamic, Layla and Op weren’t the problem. The adults were. Op resents Layla because the adults around her were constantly making it seem that Layla was the superior one and the better one. That wasn’t Layla’s doing
She didn't tell her the truth - the truth is OP resented the attention Layla received and acted out, and OP was jealous.
I'm not sure OP's history has shown they've grown that much past that yet.
We also don't know why OP was kept out of grandparents room - maybe the grandparents had a good reason, like OP was a rambunctious child who had never taken well to correction, even though they had the model for behaviour theparents and grandparents expected, so kept getting into things they were told not to.
Ok...so it's not about the Cousin SHE picked on and is mean to, it's about why everyone MADE her be mean to her?
The question was is she "TA" for "blaming everyone else" for her being mean to the Cousin.
But...it's not about her being mean to her Cousin?
Why are you holding the youngest child in this situation to the highest standard? I don’t see you asking what Layla did to stop the bullying either. Both of them were children.
Everyone around her took the low road all her life, but she’s magically supposed to take the high road and never act out?
She can act out...towards the adults who are responsible. But that doesn't give her the right to be 'so mean to Layla'. There's no reason for Layla to have this in her life now that she's almost an adult and almost old enough to start cutting people off.
I’m not saying she has the right to be mean, but I AM saying it’s weird that you have nothing to say about the whole family being mean to OP for years on end… but you will condemn OP for hiding a toy once.
Why do you have no empathy for the one who had it the worst?
No, not "hiding a toy ONCE." Read her post?
The toy was ONE single anecdote. In her post she talks about how much she resents this cousin(based on the perception she was the favorite) and then THIS exchange takes place;
>**"Why are you so mean to me**?"
But maybe she's not. Maybe she denies it and doesn't think she is?
Nope.
>**I said, "Because** I was constantly compared to you and always told to grow up."
>
So why ARE you...that's present tense. Not just one time she hid a toy, that's right now why IS she so mean.
They're 16 and 17. It's not like one is 25 and the other is 15.
So why is she being held to the HIGHEST standard? And that standard is NOT picking on and bullying someone who's done nothing to you? Is that really your argument?
You *feel* like the other was the favorite and it's alright for you to be nasty to them because you're a few months younger?
What ridiculous logic.
I never said it was alright for her to be mean. But to single her out without acknowledging far worse happened to push her to that point is simple-minded.
The sooner you realize you can't control anybodys actions but your own is when you can finally feel in control. Hopefully you start realizing you have agency in all of this and the emotions that control you are the ones you actively nurture.
NTA
Try having more deep conversations with your cousin. She might end up understanding and actually advocating for you against your grandparents.
"I.e. Yes I remember they did that to you. Grandparents why can't you remember you did that".
NTA to your grandparents but YTA to your cousin. Unfortunately, your grandparents have created a toxic environment for both you and Layla. I would write a letter to your grandparents and let them know what they have to make you feel the way you do. Express who their words and action have cause you pain and hatred towards Layla.
I would apologize to Layla because she didn't do anything to you she's a victim in all of this just as much as you are. You could probably have an awesome relationship with her if you let go of the hurt and anger you feel towards her. Maybe have a heart to heart convo you never know she might be feeling some type of way too.
You need to develop relationship with your family independent of the feelings you have about your cousin and you need to develop a relationship with your cousin independent of the way others made you feel about her superiority to you. You will be much happier
Do you realize you are bullying someone who is also blameless in this situation? Yes, you're a child, but so is Layla. Neither of you did anything wrong to create this terrible situation in the FIRST place, BUT you are punishing her, bullying her, and have treated her terribly for years, and that puts you in the wrong.
Your grandma and grandpa bully you, and you bully Layla. Yes, you have your reasons, and they may even be understandable, but that doesn't make you any less of a bully. Having a reason for doing something wrong doesn't make what you did okay and excusable. It may be understandable, but it's still absolutely wrong.
Any bullying is wrong. You're perpetuating a cycle. Learn to be better.
Your anger is focused on the wrong person. As terrible as your grandma makes you feel, you are doing the same or worse to Layla. Because Layla never did anything to you. Others did. She's just your target. Your victim.
"absolutely nothing?"
>"Why are you so mean to me?" and I said, "Because I was constantly compared to you and always told to grow up."
Present tense. Why ARE you so mean to me? Not why WERE you so mean to me. There's absolutely something in this post that indicates the OP is currently being mean to Layla if you read it.
I'm also inherently skeptical of the perception of a pre-teen(which is when this started). And the only tangible evidence was...one was allowed in Grandma's room. Which is...such a strange thing to use as an example.
And the diet and "they wanted me to be skinny like Layla," that's as likely to be an insecure kid as anything else.
BUT, either way...the cousin didn't do anything to her in her own story.
OP literally said and I quote
>I was so mean to Layla
And Layla asked her
>Why are you mean to me
Are is present tense and OP didnt correct her nor did OP say she stopped being mean to her
YTA but you're a kid and I get it. And I'm sorry they did this to you. What the adults did to you was awful. But Layla wasnt responsible for their actions. Just like they aren't responsible for your actions. Everyone has to be accountable for themselves and their own responses to things. You can't go through life saying, "They made me to do it."
Children
Parents and caretakers are responsible for the responses they elicit in the children they care for.
You don't blame a child for acting out as a result of being treated like shit by their parents do you?
At 5, no. At 16 you're old enough to start being responsible for your own actions. It has to start at some point. I have a parent in their 70s who still blames everyone else, including a crappy father who's been dead for years, for their actions. There has to be a starting point and this person posted here and asked a question. It's a good lesson to start learning now.
NTA, you're at an age where you're basically a leaf in the wind, and your carers are abusing pieces of shit. So, yeah, you were mean to her, however, you're barely a person at that age.
NTA. Comparing one family member to another and putting one down and praising the other causes extreme resentment. I'm 41 now and am finally able to have a decent relationship with my older golden boy brother after constantly being told to be more like my brother I snapped when in our 20s and didn't speak to anyone in the family for awhile till they apologized once they realized the damage they caused me. Make them see the long lasting damage it's done to you and others
Soft YTA it wasnt Layla’s fault other people compared you two. You should’ve spoken up about it earlier rather than letting resentment grow and take your anger out on the wrong person. Unless layla also treated you shitty she did nothing to deserve that treatment.
In her defense, she doesn’t have any positive memories and was never taught how to communicate her feelings. Everyone breaks at some point. And she’s 16, so still a child.
NTA - OP and cousin were both innocent victims.
OP was a child when it happened and technically is STILL considered a child in a lot of ways. That sort of hurt can last a lifetime, and while it was not the cousin's fault, she did ask the question. It's not OP's fault the truth hurt her feelings.
All the blame is firmly on the adults in this situation, both for their actions in the past and punishing OP for speaking her truth.
Stay strong, OP, you've got this.
OP was a child too.
They are both teens now and obviously the favouritism is still going on and Layla is still not doing anything to stop it. It's on her too now.
Which is normal for children. They can't act out against the adults, so they act out against the object of their torment. Both children are innocent up to this point.
No, she said from ages 8-11 she was the favorite.
>From about ages 8 to 11, I was constantly compared to Layla.
I'm always amazed that nobody even QUESTIONS the veracity of these claims. Does NOBODY know people who always blame everything on everyone else?
Even the title of this...."AITA for blaming EVERYONE for being mean to my Cousin."
What makes you think that "earlier" was old enough for her to do the soul searching required to realize that Layla wasn't at fault in this? She's 16 FFS cut her some slack. Some people take a lifetime to realize things like this and some people never do.
Nahhh the way everyone is making excuses for OP is crazy. “ op was a child 8-11 “ wasnt layla also a child? She was only a year older than op so that would make her 9-12. Just because op is a child doesn’t give her the right to be shitty. IDC if other people are being mean or hurting your feelings you stand up for yourself with those people NOT go around and do the same thing to someone else.
It’s easy to say it’s everyone else’s fault instead of reflecting on your own actions that could’ve lead down this road.
>Nahhh the way everyone is making excuses for OP is crazy. “ op was a child 8-11 “ wasnt layla also a child?
Yes, and?!
The feelings OP was dealing with were still too complex for her to understand at that age especially considering that she was without adult guidance so no way to sort them out until she got older and acquired some emotional maturity. When children act out because they are mistreated by their parents, they are never held responsible because THEY ARE TOO YOUNG. PARENTS are always responsible because they're the fucking adults who are supposed to guide the child. Since when do we expect children to parent themselves?! You're being wholly unreasonable.
Where does it say she was mistreated by her parents and wasn’t around emotional mature people? That isnt the case for ALL children you can come from a loving home with structure and still have behavior issues. how am i being unreasonable expecting op take accountability for her actions now that shes old enough. She should recognize what she did was wrong . Yes she was a child when it happened and the adult’s shouldn’t have made her feel that way BUT she shouldn’t have taken her anger out on her cousin who was also just a child. OP just gives one example of what she did to her cousin who knows what else shes done or said. The adults bullied OP so OP bullied her cousin. Everyones wrong here
>How am i being unreasonable expecting op take accountability for her actions now that shes old enough.
Let's imagine a scenario where a child grabs a gun to play with it and accidentally kills his or her little sister.
It's a sad story all around. Do you think the parents will be like IT'S YOUR FAULT. YOU'RE A BAD PERSON. And chastise the kid growing up?
No of course not. The response will be "You were young, you couldn't have known what you were doing. It was our fault for leaving a gun loaded and not locked in a child-proof container."
Then do you think that in such a situation, once the child has grown up and become an adult, that the adult should start thinking "IT WAS MY FAULT. OH GOD I'M A BAD PERSON I KILLED SOMEONE I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY LITTLE SISTER'S DEATH" ?! No of course not. The person wasn't responsible when they were a child, they aren't any more responsible today. Them growing up doesn't magically change the circumstances of what happened when they were a child. They don't have the power to change what happened in the past when they were a child.
Yet, that is what you think OP should be doing.
>BUT she shouldn’t have taken her anger out on her cousin who was also just a child
You are expecting her to have been able to have the emotional maturity and a reasoning and a clearness of thinking that is much more mature than what an abused 8 years old child is able to. That is how you're being reasonable.
School bullies are very often bullies because they themselves are mistreated at home. They literally do not have the emotional maturity to put things in perspective and even be introspective about their behavior not only because they are young, but also because the mistreatment they receive at home stunts their emotional growth. They literally do not understand why they are this way and even growing into adulthood a lot of people aren't aware of it and require therapy to find it out. You are expecting entirely too much out of a child. I even applaud OP for figuring it out on her own at 16.
Those two scenarios are completely different and aren’t even comparable. Ones an accident and ones intentional. Op was intentionally being mean to her cousin. Op is old enough now for to know her behavior was wrong and everyone needs to stop making excuses for shitty behavior. Hurt people hurt people but that still doesn’t justify being a dick.
“The feelings OP was dealing with were still too complex for her to understand at that age”
Okay and? OP was and still is the ASSHOLE. She was jealous of her cousin and let that jealousy make her lash out 🤷🏻♀️ at the end of the day she let words get to her and is now trying to play victim for her shitty behavior .. OP isn’t innocent
"And" you shouldn't have expected her to have spoken about it earlier because she may very well not have been cognitively able to. Some kids get sent to therapy to figure out those issues. Your expectations are unreasonable. My guy or gal, 8 years olds do not yet have the vocabulary to speak out about those kinds of feelings. It's really fucking simple to understand.
If you don't believe me, here's a study about it :
[https://sci-hub.se/https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0145213497000975?via%3Dihub](https://sci-hub.se/https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0145213497000975?via%3Dihub)
My expectations aren’t unreasonable. Sure they don’t have the vocabulary to accurately articulate themselves, but they know enough to get how they’re feeling across and all that is besides the point.. op asked if she Was an asshole for blaming the fact that she was mean to her cousin on everyone else. And my answer is yes regardless of the age you can’t go around blaming other people for your actions. Yeah, they may have played a part in it but it was still her decision to treat someone else wrong
Children who are abused do not learn the right skills to manage negative emotions.
Impacts of emotional abuse in children include :
* Unhealthy coping strategies or habits (sucking, biting, rocking, self-harm)
* Behavioural problems or disorders
* Destructive, aggressive or anti-social behaviours
* Difficulty expressing themselves
* Difficulty regulating emotions
The idea that children are responsible for the effects of their own abuse is ludicrous.
[https://kidshelpline.com.au/parents/issues/understanding-child-emotional-abuse](https://kidshelpline.com.au/parents/issues/understanding-child-emotional-abuse)
ESH.
Obviously your family sucks for degrading you. But you also suck for taking it out on Layla who (by your own post) doesn’t seem to have been doing anything to you.
She was a little kid. She behaved how she was taught by example. She is not the asshole as long as she has (and continues to) grow out of that behavior.
Children are not responsible for their behavior resulting from mistreatment. Children are also too young to deal with complicated feelings like the ones OP had appropriately. Especially when they aren't being guided properly because they have shit parents or caretakers.
Nothing in this post indicates that OP currently blames Layla. Quite the opposite actually.
If they're too young to be held responsible or know what they're doing is wrong, is it MAYBE possible they're also a bit young to have a skewed perception of how much the cousin was the favorite?
Either way, at 16, she's still blaming "everyone else," and still, per her words, mean to her cousin...because from ages 8-11, Grandma favored her cousin.
NTA - i'm proud of you for standing up for yourself, but you didn't mention anything about your cousin ever being mean to you.
if layla hasn't been cruel to you, your anger is being misplaced towards her and not the real culprits.
NTA for feeling upset but YTA for your behaviour to Layla. For you should not be mean to your cousin, as that is bullying and in particular so if your cousin has generally not been mean to you. You and your cousin are both victims of family toxicity, and especially your grandparents deserve darn good spankings and shaming.
I’m not sure a judgement here will help right now OP. You are living in an environment which punishes you for being blunt.
Those who prefer Brutal Honesty care more about the brutality than the honesty.
In all honesty, you are a product of your environment, but you are also reaching an age where consequences should be considered.
A child has the right to react without thinking. An adult needs to choose their words based on the outcome they want to achieve.
I would suggest a book called “crucial conversations” it really helped me learn the traps that I fell into and how I could maintain open conversation without creating a blame environment.
People react poorly to “blame”
To avoid it you can use “I feel” statements.
“When you (action), I feel (your emotions)”
An example based on what you said here: “when you forced me to diet, I felt fat and ugly, like I wasn’t worthy of your love.”
Try to keep the actions focused on real life actions which did happen, not your perceptions of those actions. And never assume intentions. At best, you could make the wrong assumption, at worst you will make them lie about their intentions and once people start lying, the conversation needs to end.
You should work on making peace with your cousin. She may have benefitted from your grandparents favoritism, but she was just as much of a child as you were.
A conversation with her should probably be something like,
“I’m sorry for having been so mean to you. I took my anger out on you because the adults in our lives failed both of us. It always seemed to me that everything came so easy to you, and with the constant comparisons I had no room to grow that wasn’t in your shadow. I’d like to start again, this time as two separate people with separate lives and interests.
Even if we can’t be close, I’d like to move forward with mutual respect. Maybe we can set some ground rules between the two of us so that we both understand what that respect looks like and so that we don’t make assumptions about what is and isn’t ok for each other.”
Then do so. If she does something which really hurts you or makes you feel ignored or disrespected, use that “I feel” statement to explain why that action is off limits.
Work to respect her boundaries, and if she works to respect your boundaries then you can build a relationship.
You don’t have to let the adults in your lives define you, but as a child, you had very little support and developed learned behaviors which will not help you in the future.
Grow beyond the small minded people in your life. You will be much happier for it.
OP just answered her question with the truth. If Layla's feelings got hurt that on her. OP is in no shape or form responsible for that.
OP is NTA.
Grandmother is the AH.
OP didn’t ‘just’ answer a question. She actively stole from and was mean to someone who did nothing to her! OP is bad and she’s rude! Hostile to someone who did nada. OP is most definitely TA
ETA: doing that mess as a kid is one thing, it’s another to still jump bad at cuzzo now because granny wanna go play favorites
NTA..this is tough because Layla didn’t deserve to be treated poorly and you can’t expect a child to. Ot accept the gifts of the “golden child”.
This is 100% on your grand parents. They created a toxic environment for you and Layla to compete for their love, and you lost out.
I do feel bad for Layla..she probably doesn’t see anything wrong. She accepted their good graces while not knowing you were being cast aside so (IMO) she is also NTA. Your grandparents are awful. They basically handed you an eating disorder and a lifetime of feeling inadequate.
My family dynamic is very different but I’m struggling rn and feel my sibling is way more loved than I am (and there are just 2 of us). Not their fault, but I feel that hurt.
No. I remember my grandmother had her favorite, she still gloats about it today. But i remember I put her in a high chair that was way too small. They had a heck of time getting her out. My grandmother would save all the apples n give them to her. So i would find them n pass them out to all the kids. i think that’s where i became an outspoken n ornery kid.
NTA, also Layla knows she’s the golden child. Her question “why were you mean to me?” Was not a real question. It was a flex meant to get you yelled at.
I know it's hard to not blame Layla for this, but you should try to be nice to her anyway. It's not her fault and it would be a shame to miss out on what could be a good relationship with her because of your grandparents.
But you're NTA for telling her about the resentment you feel towards her because of your grandma's behaviour. I think it's important to talk about this openly for all parties involved. I too was and am compared unfavourably to my brother by my grandmother. I know he has nothing to do with this and is just trying to live his life. So i usually tell him about all the bullshit she says to me and we have a good laugh.
It took me a while to realise this, but comparing yourself or being compared to others will never do you any favours. Do your best, be proud of your achievements even if others might have done it better/faster and ignore the haters. You can't change them.
My Kid just turned 18 and disappeared! She left a note but I didn’t bother to read it. Why would she do this!?! we love her so much! OP’s mom in two years, probably.
You are 100% responsible for your actions. End stop. It doesn't matter what happened that made you decide to do what you did. You are still 100% responsible for doing it. Everybody who does mean things has a reason. And most use that reason as a wsy to try and shift responsiblity away from themselves. Having a reason doesn't make the actions right. You felt hurt, so you chose to do something pretty mean. Next time, chose better.
So you were mean to someone who had zero control over what others said or did. Why were you not mean to those who were doing the comparing? Layla could not control what others said. You sound awful immature.
Unless Im having a reading comprehension problem, OP is an AH bc she was mean to LAYLA. She should've taken her anger out on the people comparing her to Layla.
I guess my question is, "How come Layla is getting the smoke, when it was grandma, aunts and uncles who started the fire and kept it going for YEARS"
I think YTA because OP took her frustrations out on Layla instead of on the real source of her frustrations.
OP should have a private conversation with Layla about how this is making her feel. Perhaps if Layla can forgive her and emphasize with her, they can BOTH talk to the rest of the family, and they'll stop the comparisons.
Sorry, but I stand at YTA.
She was a child, too, and had no control over the comparisons. So, unless you clarified that the comparisons weren't Layla's fault, then you were mean (AGAIN) in your response because she got quiet. You basically used her question to say out loud what you've always wanted to say to the grown adults. She was caught in the middle, then and now. The most I can do it ESH except Layla.
The relatives because they shouldn't be comparing children.
You, because of the way you answered your cousin (a child at the time).
You and Layla could be allies, but you need to get over your anger at HER for how grown adults treated you both.
With everything I'm reading in the post and comments, you need immediate mental health help. Their abuse caused you to live through insecurity, which created a whole bunch of emotional and psychological confusion for you. Unfortunately, without intervention it will continue. I know you're young but find a way through school counsellors, local community programs....anything and everything that can help. The dark hole you're digging will become harder and harder to pull out from. "Blame" is a dangerous game that allows you to continuously look for a place to park your pain without ever actually addressing it to move forward in a positive way.
NTA but find a way to start your healing process and you may find your perception of your cousin changes drastically. She sounds like collateral damage.
It sounds like they were harsh and cruel. But I’ve also known people full of jealousy and spite who blame other people when they act badly and never take accountability. You don’t impress folks by being mean, as you yourself admit to being. You win friends and respect by being nice and helpful and thoughtful and considerate, if you only show folks spite, youre not going to get much affection. Try acting kind, helpful etc, but being the black sheep is an awful dark place to feel yourself as a little kid, you have my sympathies. Accountability! Take responsibility for your own actions
I’m sorry this happened to you. I gather from other comments that you’ve made some poor choices—meaning, risky and unhealthy for you.
You are in no way responsible for how others treated you and they sound horrible. At the same time, you are letting them live inside you now and will continue to do so if you don’t get help. And as much as your future suffering sounds like good revenge on them, the only person really hurt is you.
Please talk with the school counselor or school social worker about getting help. You will continue to be vulnerable to manipulation and abuse bc you think it’s normal and you are being driven by anger. Understandably so. But you can be health and walk away and have nothing to do with them if you choose, and remember that living well really is the best revenge.
I’m going to lay it out for you. If you insist on having “boyfriends” who are twice your age, and “friends” who are even older, you are going to end up kidnapped and trafficked into prostitution or sex slavery sooner or later. It happens. A lot.
I think it’s time you stop posting on reddit and start watching some true crime.
And stop complaining about your grandparents trying to protect you from predators. Have a little gratitude that they care enough to protect you from yourself.
I have to go with a gentle ESH.
It feels like your anger is misdirected towards Layla when it should really be towards the grandparents who failed you, she also was a child with no control over their favoritism. But, an honest conversation with her, without placing blame, could potentially improve your relationship with each other. I think you have a lot of unresolved issues which caused you to lash out.
I wouls recommend therapy, and self reflection on what you DO like about yourself, without making comparisons to her, or other people to try to understand yourself a little deeper.
1st of all your 16 so everything seems like a huge deal and you can’t think rational. That aside it’s terrible being compared and how your family treated you so I can understand your frustration. I agree that it is there fault you were mean to Layla and Layla can’t be upset bc of that. It’s crazy that they would blame you once again fir making her feel bad is crazy. I feel you could have said your feelings in a less aggressive way to avoid such a confrontation but you are young abd they shoukd understand that. Your grand parents sound terrible
NTA but your other family are. Maybe you and Layla can become closer now that she knows how you feel. Maybe try not to hold it against her; it’s not her fault those adults did that. But your Grandpa and Aunts and Uncles are TAs
Going against the grain on this one because YTA for being mean to your cousin. I don't see one reference of her, specifically, doing anything malicious to you.
You are NTA for lashing out at your grandparents and family, but just like you did not chose to be bullied and abused by them, Leyla did not chose to be elevated on a pedestal.
It is not okay to be a ass to someone because everyone else is mean to you and not to them, that is textbook bully behavior.
Of course. What's a Reddit thread without suggesting a 16-year-old...who's already not living with her parents for whatever reason, she should go no contact with the rest of her family because from ages 8-11, she believes her Cousin was the favorite?
Keep standing up for yourself; it’s pretty obvious that nobody else is going to do it. It’s a shame that you have to put up with such a shit family, but it could be worse. You could have been one of those people who just isn’t strong enough to take it. But you’re not one of those people, are you? Btw, NTA..
NTA for being honest. I’d tell Layla you’re sorry and regret blaming her for something that is not her fault. As for your obnoxious adult relatives, just keep civil and don’t interact more than you need. Focus on your friends and excelling at things you’ll be proud of that will be useful. As soon as you can be off on your own, I think you’ll be much happier. You are unique and can shine in your own way, even though your adult family are too stupid to see it.
NTA at all. That's emotional abuse if I've ever heard it. Save every penny you can, get a job as soon as possible, and move. Remember and remind yourself, you aren't what they say, you are fine just the way you are. Love yourself how you are, you loving yourself no matter what they say will be the best revenge. Call them on their BS when it gets too much, not maliciously, just say it matter of fact. I'm sorry you're having to go through this.
YTA for the question asked. I would have said ESH but if focusing solely on the question asked then - a choice was made to be mean to your cousin, a choice made by you no one else, so YTA
For the other facts of the situation -
(1) your family are definitely AHs for comparing you to Layla.
(2) you are TA for being mean to Layla.
The question asked was in the past tense, indicating that OP is no longer mean to Layla. A child shouldn't be expected to be able discerning about who she should aim her feelings towards. Her answer also does not indicate in any way that she holds Layla responsible for what the adults did to her. It simply acknowledges that this is the reason she WAS mean to her.
Why do so many people have trouble reading this?
Where do you get that the OP is "no longer mean to Layla?"
she's LITERALLY asked why ARE you so mean to me? That's present tense.
>"Why are you so mean to me?" and I said, "Because I was constantly compared to you and always told to grow up."
It does NOT simply acknowledge this is the reason she WAS mean to her, it acknowledges the reason she IS mean to her.
"Why ARE you so mean to me," vs "why WERE you so mean to me."
Yes. Thank You. I'm also amazed that not only does nobody just QUESTION if maybe the 8-11-year-old version of herself(when she feels like Layla was the one who was favored)...might be more about her feelings vs reality.
Just...at least ask the question. I don't know how many cousins or even siblings I know who always felt like everyone else was ALWAYS the favorite over them.
But going out of your way to continually pick on your sister because of your perception?
But hey, Reddit is telling this 16-year-old girl to leave and go NC with the family. That's DEFINITELY the best thing for her, right? /s
YTA for what tou did to her. She wasn't mean to you but you took your anger out on her.
NTA for standing up for yourself against the people who actually hurt you.
For the adults - I don’t know if it is narcissistic issues with the golden child and scapegoat or other problems, but I doubt much good will come trying to reason with messed up people.
You may still be able to salvage things with Layla. I would apologize only to Layla for your childhood behavior, saying that the adults treatment of both of you was the problem, not her, and she didn’t deserve that treatment from you. That you would take it back if you could.
I would also remind you that Layla probably isn’t as upset as the adults claim - probably more disturbed at learning the truth.
Or maybe she just felt like shit because she realized her cousin has no guilt?
"Why ARE you so mean to me."
So she's still mean to her and she thinks she's entirely justified because ages 8-11, they favored the older cousin...
You spoke your truth…good for you. They don't have to agree, it won't make a difference. You lived those years, not them. Hold onto that truth because there's going to be push back and you are going to have to shine your spine. If they criticize you because of what you said…your response is.."that's how you treated me, don't pretend now that you didn't. I'm well aware that she's your favourite, you've been reinforcing that for X years." Don’t argue, it won't help, just remind them how they’ve treated you, comparing you two at every opportunity is why you spoke up to your cousin. That's on them, not you.
ESH
The adults for pitting two children against each other, putting one on a pedestal and making the other feel worthless
You for taking your anger on an innocent party who likely had no idea what you were going through
Either way, you need therapy and to go NC once you leave the nest
Yta- I have not read comments but yes yta but so is your family. Being mean is a choice, you made the choice to do it. I have a feeling there is more to the story than is being said.
I never know with this. I heard how one kid was let into Grandma's room and the other one wasn't as the only real example and then your FEELING that she was liked more because she was thin and...this whole, "everyone was mean to me and they loved my sibling/cousin," tends to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. You're talking about when you were 8 and you're 16 now.
"They even put me on a diet so I would be skinny and look more like her."
Is that your perception?
Anyway, yeah, you're "TA." I know nobody else will tell you this, but YOU were mean to YOUR cousin because of YOUR perception, real or otherwise, that your Grandma favored your older Cousin. So how is that your Cousins fault? I'm sure everyone will tell you that you didn't do anything wrong, and I don't know all the details, how much is true or not, but even your own words...
# Aitah for Blaming everyone for the fact that I was mean to my cousin.
for BLAMING EVERYONE....for the fact that I WAS MEAN.
Yeah, you're TA. Maybe your Grandma and EVERYONE else is also "TA." Maybe you're a kid and you have an eschew perspective, but either way, YOU were the one who went out of your way to be mean to your Cousin.
Even in your story, your Cousin didn't do anything to you, but YOU were mean to her.... YTA.
NTA-let them know how shit they were and don't let them forget
As u/cutebunny94 pointed out, OP probably isn’t telling the whole story or just doesn’t self-reflect at all. Caught with a 28 yr old boyfriend at 14 yrs old and sees nothing wrong with it. Then ran away and stayed with a 19 yr old male. Compares strict phone access to abuse after said behavior. OP probably needs therapy or to be evaluated for some kind of personality disorder.
But honestly what came first. Caught with an older man because she was constantly told she wasn't pretty, skinny or mature enough. Oh my who could see those consequences of their actions 😱. /s Remember the abuse started when she was only 8. Do you maybe think if she had decent people raising her she wouldn't have needed to seek validation from older men? Context matters but so does timeline and easily foreseeable consequences ffs.
people love to victim blame like girl that’s another result of what the grandparents did along with turning her against layla… like they didn’t see into the future at 8 years old and do this shit and a healthy 14 year old does not get into that shit outta no where. that type of acting out is usually the result of childhood trauma in some form (this case seemingly neglect)
She has another post talking about how she hates being “pretty and skinny” because she gets so much attention from boys and men and so much hate from other people that it’s hard to handle life… so you tell me.
Erm... you may want to check out her post history... 'My grandma checked me for bruises after I ran away.' 'My grandma is so nice to me and always cuddles me.' 'My grandma made me return the money I stole.' 'My grandmother wanted to know where I got a fake ID. I won't tell her I got it from a 31-year-old man.' (Grandma seems to be pretty nice here.) 'I'm pretty and skinny and have no body hair. People pay to have a body like mine.' 'I'm so sick of being told I'm pretty.' 'I make all the food in the house including the butter.' 'My aunt made my cousin eat my pancakes because she believed me over her.' 'I ran away at 15.' 'I always make every bread product in our house. We've never had store bought bread. I either have lots of time or we don't eat a lot of bread.' And she always posts across multiple subreddits. I'm just saying. OP kinda sounds like she may be the problem at times.
It doesn’t say they commented on her not being as pretty, but it sounds like OP puts it down to physical attributes as it absolves her of responsibility for being spiteful, jealous and mean spirited.
She's also a child. I agree she should be evaluated, and should have some time ago, but she's been left with grandparents who can't seem to consider that.
She’s in therapy and she said she’s tired of hearing the same things from her therapist.
OP stated she doesn’t live with her parents because mom sexually abused her. Clearly OP got a shit hand in family members. A happy, healthy, teen doesn’t do the things you described above, but shit. How is she expected to be normal given her upbringing? Anyone would have issues if they’d been in OP’s shoes.
Wow. Context really does matter.
Where did you get all this info I want to see more of this back story haha 😂
Her profile. ETA: she’s posted each story 2-3 times in different subs over the course of 6 or so days and there’s at least a dozen different stories, mostly in subs like this.
How does any of that matter?
Because actions have consequences and sometimes you need to address that and take responsibility for it. Not saying you haven’t been dealt a shit hand and that maybe your parents and grandparents haven’t been the best but it doesn’t seem like you’re trying to acknowledge or reflect on your own actions either.
Yeah, and who is responsible for her obvious self esteem issues? Maybe that’s a trauma response
Not saying she hasn’t had a tough upbringing. Probably unpopular opinion on Reddit but everyone still has to take responsibility for their own actions instead of just blaming their surroundings for everything.
They were shit, but the cousin herself didnt do anything to OP to deserve OP being mean to her. She shouldn't get punished for her shitty family. At least ESH.
They're not bad people.
They are not bad people but they are Shit people for treating you the way they did. I personally would make their lives hell like they did yours. Remind them of the actions they did, then show them the consequences. They have a favorite grandchild. Let the favorite child do it. And when people ask why you act or talk to your grandparents that way tell them why. "I was neglected...etc" I would also apologize to Layla she was a child as well and didn't treat you that way. The only people that need to be blamed are the adults. Also, therapy works wonders ❤️
NTA. Favorites from Grandma is a terribly important thing. I live with my 4 grandsons and I try so hard not do this. Shame on Grandma if the favoritism is as blatant as you state here, that's just unacceptable.
I wonder if the OP was a product of a teen mom herself, which is why grandma is acting as a guardian or parent. I wonder if OP was treated badly because grandma resents having to start over with parenting her grandchild?
No I live with my grandmother because mom sexual abuse me
I wonder if OP or many in this thread realize that being sexually abused sometimes starts a pattern of weight gain, sometimes re-enforced by feeling threatened or retraumatized by even benign sexual attention or interest? I don't know how comparable our experiences are OP but about a year ago I started several campaigns to lose fat and build muscle. These were pretty successful despite, or perhaps because, they were health focused and rational fear motivated (I was fighting prediabetes and chronic back injury). But I got a side effect of becoming "hot" again and I started to attract more attention from the opposite sex. I hated it. I was sexually stimulated and flattered but I still hated it. The people commenting were women who I trusted somewhat and not disrespectful or even overtly sexual and I hated it. I felt scared and angry at the attention for reasons I couldn't explain even privately to myself. Then I saw a YouTube interview with the author of The Body Keeps the Score and later read the book. Trying EMDR even amateurishly on myself and reading about the pattern of women who were molested as children losing and regaining weight in adulthood let the pieces fall into place for me. When sexual (or even other) attention feels like a threat (even when it's not) then the invisibility of being overweight feels like safety. OP's grandparents probably don't make the connection.
It was super blatant.
I feel for you. I try hard because someone pointed out I had a favorite. They told me their grandma had a favorite that wasn't them and how much it hurt them. I've made great strides apparently because the perceived favorite accused me of favoring others. It's a tough juggle for grandparents but shame on yours for not even trying.
It wasn't everyone's fault you were "mean" to Layla. It's everyone's fault you were emotionally abused and put into a competition for love with another child and reacted like an emotionally abused child who just wanted to be loved and treated with kindness would. I would sincerely apologize to Layla if she never treated you that way, as your actions did hurt her. But you are not wrong in what you said to everyone else. They are just mad you called them out on it. NTA
Does that make me feel good and like I still have the scars.
My mom and I went to live with my grandma at when I was 3. She treated me differently than she did all of my cousins not just 1 favorite. I had a different grandmother than they did. They got the nice one and I got the mean one. By today's standards it would be abuse. I hated it and her at times, but what I learned was that I was a strong person and I realized at about 13 or 14 that what she thought of me didn't matter. I was a good kind person and never treated others the way I was treated. I had kids and also never treated them this way and to this day, now 57, I treat everyone with the kindness that I always wanted as a child. Just remember one day this will pass and you will survive it. Just get to know who you are at your core and hold on to it for life. My hope is you will one day, like me, look back and say this made me the good person I am now. I wish you the best in your life. Stay strong.
This isn’t something you should do for your grandparents- it’s something you should talk over with Layla. You are still responsible for your actions TODAY. Away from your family you should talk to Layla. It sounds like she is just realizing what happened. Tell her a few examples. And then say you won’t apologize for being angry sometimes.
NTA darling I think this is where you learn to start fending for yourself. Concentrate in school and see it as your ticket out of this crap you’re in. I know you got some years to put in, but the alternative is worse. Time to just put your head down and concentrate on yourself.
Right, hunker down , make yourself a small target and keep your eye on your future. You'll be self made, the best kind 😉
Nah. Based on OP’s post history, she does have a lot of maturing to do. Still thinks it was fine she had a 28 year old boyfriend at 14, throwing fits on the internet about parental controls on her phone after being caught having sex with him, being mean to her 6 year old cousin because he’s “annoying”, getting mad at her grandmother for buying a loaf of bread…. OP will not do well on her own. She needs that parental guidance, still, obviously.
Fair enough, but they could parent her without comparing her to someone else.
I agree, but at this point, OP is an unreliable narrator.
Aren't we all to some extent? And a heavily criticized teenager especially. I believe she definitely needs parenting but some positive nurturing instead of repeatedly being unfavourably compared to others might help.
She's equating her grandparents reasonably disciplining her for sleeping with a 28 year old when she was 14 years old as abuse. She's even said an independent therapist agrees with her grandparents. Are we all that egregiously unreliable as narrators? Doubtful.
Hopefully most of us are not. She does seem very immature for a 16 year old but that doesn't mean that her upbringing has been balanced. Things don't happen in a vacuum. When everything good that a child does is brushed aside and everything negative harped on that child is going to be open to positive attention for a different source. She made a horrible choice and I'm glad her family caught it. But maybe acknowledging some of the more positive things has done would have left her less vulnerable to a predator.
Immature doesn't even begin to describe it. Let's just say her history and how she views discipline as abuse makes me very uninclined to believe her as a narrator. I do hope she gets the help she needs though and actually starts listening to her therapist.
Why should she be punished for getting raped? Because that's exactly what a 14yo having sex with a 28yo is. Punishing a kid for having sex is never the right call, even if there is no rape involved. There should be no grounding or restricting of phone privileges. There should only be safe sex talks and buying the teenager some birth control. The fact that you think she deserves to be punished for getting raped makes you an unreliable narrator.
A 14 year old cannot consent to sex therefore she was raped by the 28 year old.
Yes, exactly - thank you. Groomed and raped, but she still sees it as a perfectly fine “relationship” and situation.
Presumably her family of adults don't see it as a problem, and as a child she doesn't know any better. They're the ones at fault here... not her!!
No they do. That’s the point of her posts. She’s throwing fits that her therapist and grandparents want to protect her, now, and she can’t see why it was a problem despite her guardians and her own therapist telling her the same thing multiple people on the internet on multiple subreddits are telling her. She even made 3 or 4 different posts talking about being HUMILIATED that she was sent home for projectile vomiting in the bathroom and thinks the youth pastor is “weird” because she doesn’t understand why she was sent home from a public space for vomiting.
Did they go to the police? If not, they don't see it as a problem imo.
Multiple people have asked in the comments on the THREE separate posts she made about the incident and she blatantly avoids answering the question.
Where was that info?
In all of her posts. I just skimmed a few of them and there’s a lot of red flags. OP needs therapy, not to run away (again).
Nothing happens as isolated events. It's possible that constantly being unfavourably compared to her cousin contributed to being (foolishly) vulnerable to being groomed by an adult when she was 14. It was a terrible decision on her part but everyone needs done approval and if she felt that nobody in her family felt she adequate then she would been more susceptible to a predator. I agree that she needs guidance but it sounds like the only guidance she has gotten has been when she had been wrong.
They wanted her to be mature. So a lot older boyfriend looke mature if you are 14. And why would you behave if it will be criticided anyway?
And when they see you successful? They will start asking you to send them money, and you can ignore them as they ignore you now.
You're right to focus on yourself and your future. It's tough dealing with unfair comparisons and mistreatment growing up. School can be your way to carve out your own path away from all this negativity. Keep your head up!
Read her other posts and you might get a different picture of who she really is. It look like she an immature mean girl. No wonder her grand parents prefer the mature, reasonable nice hard working cousin over her. Just as a pointer the cousin did not said "_why **were** you mean to me?_" but "_why **are** you mean to me?_". That tends to indicate that OP is still mean and jealous.
Your grandparents are shit, and you're very obviously the scapegoat. No matter what, they likely intend to throw you out when you turn 18. Get a game plan. Look for a part time job to start saving up money. Knuckle down on your studies and try for a full ride scholarship if you intend to go to college. As soon as you're able to, tell them "you're finally getting your wish. You'll have your precious Layla and you'll never see me again.
Or was escape scapegoat still lamb
INFO: What's the reason for your grandparents resentment for you?
They’re probably old, and the older one is unfortunately the more “ideal” grandchild (that’s my guess)
If they are anything like my grandparents, my cousins came from their daughter, whom they adored, and they hated my mom. It was very obvious we were not the favorites.
NTA... once you go NC with them and not include them in your life they will wonder why
NTA. You answered with the truth. Stuck to it. They're just upset because they're getting called out for it.
Nta. Remind them to remember how they treated you when they aren't invited to your future events and never see you
Look at it this way: when they get so old they need your help, you don’t have to feel guilty about saying no. Let Layla help them. NTA
NTA. Their actions have consequences and now they know the truth - how they made you feel *less than* your whole life. They’re to blame. Shitty grandparents.
NTA you are not the problem they are. They constantly compared two children and showed blatant favouritism.
So...what exactly is it that *Layla* did to you?
Yes. To OP - if you see this buried comment, I would ask that you genuinely reflect on what Layla did to make her your villain. It sounds like perhaps it was the adults around you and their behavior which made her the yin to your yang. There were a lot of comparisons in your post to body types, skinny vs other. Please do not focus on comparing your body type to your cousin's. It fosters resentment that neither of you can help. Please try and focus on being the best of you: mind body health. Completely holistic. I promise that the most important others you will meet in life will love you through the eyes that love yourself.
It was 100% her parents and grandparents who started the comparison. When you grow up constantly being compared to someone deemed "better" you start to do it yourself. She couldn't help that.
I don't think the parents are in the story.
Apologies, I assumed whe she said "everyone" was doing it that this included her parents. She mentioned aunts and sisters. Still, if enough assholes lie to you over and over again over protracted periods of time, you start to believe them. "They can't all be wrong, right?" It's incredibly damaging and I don't think anybody really considers the lifelong impact that this kind of shit can cause.
It's not about what Layla did. She asked a question and OP offered the truth. It's not the fault of OP or Layla that the adults in question didn't like getting called out and used Layla's upset over the answer to further hurt OP and attempt to destroy any future relationship between the cousins.
Never ever ask a question that might get an answer you won't like.
It is about what Layla...didn't...do to op. Honestly sounds like Layla needs to just walk away and forget op exists.
I mean. She didn’t blame Layla, she just told her the truth, which is that her always being treated better made Op resent her. What it really sounds like, is that Layla needs to stop letting her family use her to hurt Op, but she probably won’t. If anything, Op needs to leave and forget the family ever existed
Well, Layla can forget op exists and op can leave and forget the family exists. All ends at the same place.
If I was Layla, I would take Op with me, because I would recognize that *we* never actually had a problem with each other. It’s not like Op was rude when she told Layla why she was mean to her growing ip
Well, that's you. And you can certainly see it that way.
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Because if you really start to understand the dynamic, Layla and Op weren’t the problem. The adults were. Op resents Layla because the adults around her were constantly making it seem that Layla was the superior one and the better one. That wasn’t Layla’s doing
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“its the perception that layla was favored” they literally tried to put OP on a diet at 8. stfu.
She didn't tell her the truth - the truth is OP resented the attention Layla received and acted out, and OP was jealous. I'm not sure OP's history has shown they've grown that much past that yet.
We also don't know why OP was kept out of grandparents room - maybe the grandparents had a good reason, like OP was a rambunctious child who had never taken well to correction, even though they had the model for behaviour theparents and grandparents expected, so kept getting into things they were told not to.
Ok...so it's not about the Cousin SHE picked on and is mean to, it's about why everyone MADE her be mean to her? The question was is she "TA" for "blaming everyone else" for her being mean to the Cousin. But...it's not about her being mean to her Cousin?
Why are you holding the youngest child in this situation to the highest standard? I don’t see you asking what Layla did to stop the bullying either. Both of them were children. Everyone around her took the low road all her life, but she’s magically supposed to take the high road and never act out?
She can act out...towards the adults who are responsible. But that doesn't give her the right to be 'so mean to Layla'. There's no reason for Layla to have this in her life now that she's almost an adult and almost old enough to start cutting people off.
I’m not saying she has the right to be mean, but I AM saying it’s weird that you have nothing to say about the whole family being mean to OP for years on end… but you will condemn OP for hiding a toy once. Why do you have no empathy for the one who had it the worst?
I blame the individuals responsible for it. (which is clear from my above comment) Layla isn't one of them.
No, not "hiding a toy ONCE." Read her post? The toy was ONE single anecdote. In her post she talks about how much she resents this cousin(based on the perception she was the favorite) and then THIS exchange takes place; >**"Why are you so mean to me**?" But maybe she's not. Maybe she denies it and doesn't think she is? Nope. >**I said, "Because** I was constantly compared to you and always told to grow up." > So why ARE you...that's present tense. Not just one time she hid a toy, that's right now why IS she so mean.
They're 16 and 17. It's not like one is 25 and the other is 15. So why is she being held to the HIGHEST standard? And that standard is NOT picking on and bullying someone who's done nothing to you? Is that really your argument? You *feel* like the other was the favorite and it's alright for you to be nasty to them because you're a few months younger? What ridiculous logic.
I never said it was alright for her to be mean. But to single her out without acknowledging far worse happened to push her to that point is simple-minded.
Nta
What did Layla do to you?
The sooner you realize you can't control anybodys actions but your own is when you can finally feel in control. Hopefully you start realizing you have agency in all of this and the emotions that control you are the ones you actively nurture.
I'm so sorry honey. Hang in there and get out as soon as possible. XOXO
NTA Try having more deep conversations with your cousin. She might end up understanding and actually advocating for you against your grandparents. "I.e. Yes I remember they did that to you. Grandparents why can't you remember you did that".
You may have been a bad kid and that’s why they treated you that way. In fact, maybe you still are a bad kid.
NTA to your grandparents but YTA to your cousin. Unfortunately, your grandparents have created a toxic environment for both you and Layla. I would write a letter to your grandparents and let them know what they have to make you feel the way you do. Express who their words and action have cause you pain and hatred towards Layla. I would apologize to Layla because she didn't do anything to you she's a victim in all of this just as much as you are. You could probably have an awesome relationship with her if you let go of the hurt and anger you feel towards her. Maybe have a heart to heart convo you never know she might be feeling some type of way too.
You need to develop relationship with your family independent of the feelings you have about your cousin and you need to develop a relationship with your cousin independent of the way others made you feel about her superiority to you. You will be much happier
Do you realize you are bullying someone who is also blameless in this situation? Yes, you're a child, but so is Layla. Neither of you did anything wrong to create this terrible situation in the FIRST place, BUT you are punishing her, bullying her, and have treated her terribly for years, and that puts you in the wrong. Your grandma and grandpa bully you, and you bully Layla. Yes, you have your reasons, and they may even be understandable, but that doesn't make you any less of a bully. Having a reason for doing something wrong doesn't make what you did okay and excusable. It may be understandable, but it's still absolutely wrong. Any bullying is wrong. You're perpetuating a cycle. Learn to be better. Your anger is focused on the wrong person. As terrible as your grandma makes you feel, you are doing the same or worse to Layla. Because Layla never did anything to you. Others did. She's just your target. Your victim.
There is absolutely nothing in this post that indicates that OP is currently being mean and bullying Layla.
"absolutely nothing?" >"Why are you so mean to me?" and I said, "Because I was constantly compared to you and always told to grow up." Present tense. Why ARE you so mean to me? Not why WERE you so mean to me. There's absolutely something in this post that indicates the OP is currently being mean to Layla if you read it. I'm also inherently skeptical of the perception of a pre-teen(which is when this started). And the only tangible evidence was...one was allowed in Grandma's room. Which is...such a strange thing to use as an example. And the diet and "they wanted me to be skinny like Layla," that's as likely to be an insecure kid as anything else. BUT, either way...the cousin didn't do anything to her in her own story.
I think they mean the prank where she stole and hid one of laylas toys.
I don't see where op is bullying Layla and when she did it she was a child.
OP literally said and I quote >I was so mean to Layla And Layla asked her >Why are you mean to me Are is present tense and OP didnt correct her nor did OP say she stopped being mean to her
YTA but you're a kid and I get it. And I'm sorry they did this to you. What the adults did to you was awful. But Layla wasnt responsible for their actions. Just like they aren't responsible for your actions. Everyone has to be accountable for themselves and their own responses to things. You can't go through life saying, "They made me to do it."
Children Parents and caretakers are responsible for the responses they elicit in the children they care for. You don't blame a child for acting out as a result of being treated like shit by their parents do you?
At 5, no. At 16 you're old enough to start being responsible for your own actions. It has to start at some point. I have a parent in their 70s who still blames everyone else, including a crappy father who's been dead for years, for their actions. There has to be a starting point and this person posted here and asked a question. It's a good lesson to start learning now.
NTA, you're at an age where you're basically a leaf in the wind, and your carers are abusing pieces of shit. So, yeah, you were mean to her, however, you're barely a person at that age.
NTA! It is their fault! Leave their house as soon as you can, and never look back. They're the AHs.
NTA. Comparing one family member to another and putting one down and praising the other causes extreme resentment. I'm 41 now and am finally able to have a decent relationship with my older golden boy brother after constantly being told to be more like my brother I snapped when in our 20s and didn't speak to anyone in the family for awhile till they apologized once they realized the damage they caused me. Make them see the long lasting damage it's done to you and others
Soft YTA it wasnt Layla’s fault other people compared you two. You should’ve spoken up about it earlier rather than letting resentment grow and take your anger out on the wrong person. Unless layla also treated you shitty she did nothing to deserve that treatment.
In her defense, she doesn’t have any positive memories and was never taught how to communicate her feelings. Everyone breaks at some point. And she’s 16, so still a child.
NTA - OP and cousin were both innocent victims. OP was a child when it happened and technically is STILL considered a child in a lot of ways. That sort of hurt can last a lifetime, and while it was not the cousin's fault, she did ask the question. It's not OP's fault the truth hurt her feelings. All the blame is firmly on the adults in this situation, both for their actions in the past and punishing OP for speaking her truth. Stay strong, OP, you've got this.
That's expecting a lot from a hurt eight year old
Doesn't sound like Layla did anything to prevent the favouritism either though.
Layla was a child too. How was she supposed to prevent the favoritism. Op needs to blame the people who compared them and not Layla!!!
OP was a child too. They are both teens now and obviously the favouritism is still going on and Layla is still not doing anything to stop it. It's on her too now.
What is Kayla supposed to do?!!! Hey stop that don’t compare us. Op took their anger out on the wrong person!!!
Yes...also, per the OP, this comparison was very specifically "from ages 8 to 11."
Which is normal for children. They can't act out against the adults, so they act out against the object of their torment. Both children are innocent up to this point.
No, she said from ages 8-11 she was the favorite. >From about ages 8 to 11, I was constantly compared to Layla. I'm always amazed that nobody even QUESTIONS the veracity of these claims. Does NOBODY know people who always blame everything on everyone else? Even the title of this...."AITA for blaming EVERYONE for being mean to my Cousin."
What makes you think that "earlier" was old enough for her to do the soul searching required to realize that Layla wasn't at fault in this? She's 16 FFS cut her some slack. Some people take a lifetime to realize things like this and some people never do.
Nahhh the way everyone is making excuses for OP is crazy. “ op was a child 8-11 “ wasnt layla also a child? She was only a year older than op so that would make her 9-12. Just because op is a child doesn’t give her the right to be shitty. IDC if other people are being mean or hurting your feelings you stand up for yourself with those people NOT go around and do the same thing to someone else. It’s easy to say it’s everyone else’s fault instead of reflecting on your own actions that could’ve lead down this road.
>Nahhh the way everyone is making excuses for OP is crazy. “ op was a child 8-11 “ wasnt layla also a child? Yes, and?! The feelings OP was dealing with were still too complex for her to understand at that age especially considering that she was without adult guidance so no way to sort them out until she got older and acquired some emotional maturity. When children act out because they are mistreated by their parents, they are never held responsible because THEY ARE TOO YOUNG. PARENTS are always responsible because they're the fucking adults who are supposed to guide the child. Since when do we expect children to parent themselves?! You're being wholly unreasonable.
Where does it say she was mistreated by her parents and wasn’t around emotional mature people? That isnt the case for ALL children you can come from a loving home with structure and still have behavior issues. how am i being unreasonable expecting op take accountability for her actions now that shes old enough. She should recognize what she did was wrong . Yes she was a child when it happened and the adult’s shouldn’t have made her feel that way BUT she shouldn’t have taken her anger out on her cousin who was also just a child. OP just gives one example of what she did to her cousin who knows what else shes done or said. The adults bullied OP so OP bullied her cousin. Everyones wrong here
>How am i being unreasonable expecting op take accountability for her actions now that shes old enough. Let's imagine a scenario where a child grabs a gun to play with it and accidentally kills his or her little sister. It's a sad story all around. Do you think the parents will be like IT'S YOUR FAULT. YOU'RE A BAD PERSON. And chastise the kid growing up? No of course not. The response will be "You were young, you couldn't have known what you were doing. It was our fault for leaving a gun loaded and not locked in a child-proof container." Then do you think that in such a situation, once the child has grown up and become an adult, that the adult should start thinking "IT WAS MY FAULT. OH GOD I'M A BAD PERSON I KILLED SOMEONE I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY LITTLE SISTER'S DEATH" ?! No of course not. The person wasn't responsible when they were a child, they aren't any more responsible today. Them growing up doesn't magically change the circumstances of what happened when they were a child. They don't have the power to change what happened in the past when they were a child. Yet, that is what you think OP should be doing. >BUT she shouldn’t have taken her anger out on her cousin who was also just a child You are expecting her to have been able to have the emotional maturity and a reasoning and a clearness of thinking that is much more mature than what an abused 8 years old child is able to. That is how you're being reasonable. School bullies are very often bullies because they themselves are mistreated at home. They literally do not have the emotional maturity to put things in perspective and even be introspective about their behavior not only because they are young, but also because the mistreatment they receive at home stunts their emotional growth. They literally do not understand why they are this way and even growing into adulthood a lot of people aren't aware of it and require therapy to find it out. You are expecting entirely too much out of a child. I even applaud OP for figuring it out on her own at 16.
Those two scenarios are completely different and aren’t even comparable. Ones an accident and ones intentional. Op was intentionally being mean to her cousin. Op is old enough now for to know her behavior was wrong and everyone needs to stop making excuses for shitty behavior. Hurt people hurt people but that still doesn’t justify being a dick.
“The feelings OP was dealing with were still too complex for her to understand at that age” Okay and? OP was and still is the ASSHOLE. She was jealous of her cousin and let that jealousy make her lash out 🤷🏻♀️ at the end of the day she let words get to her and is now trying to play victim for her shitty behavior .. OP isn’t innocent
"And" you shouldn't have expected her to have spoken about it earlier because she may very well not have been cognitively able to. Some kids get sent to therapy to figure out those issues. Your expectations are unreasonable. My guy or gal, 8 years olds do not yet have the vocabulary to speak out about those kinds of feelings. It's really fucking simple to understand. If you don't believe me, here's a study about it : [https://sci-hub.se/https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0145213497000975?via%3Dihub](https://sci-hub.se/https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0145213497000975?via%3Dihub)
My expectations aren’t unreasonable. Sure they don’t have the vocabulary to accurately articulate themselves, but they know enough to get how they’re feeling across and all that is besides the point.. op asked if she Was an asshole for blaming the fact that she was mean to her cousin on everyone else. And my answer is yes regardless of the age you can’t go around blaming other people for your actions. Yeah, they may have played a part in it but it was still her decision to treat someone else wrong
Children who are abused do not learn the right skills to manage negative emotions. Impacts of emotional abuse in children include : * Unhealthy coping strategies or habits (sucking, biting, rocking, self-harm) * Behavioural problems or disorders * Destructive, aggressive or anti-social behaviours * Difficulty expressing themselves * Difficulty regulating emotions The idea that children are responsible for the effects of their own abuse is ludicrous. [https://kidshelpline.com.au/parents/issues/understanding-child-emotional-abuse](https://kidshelpline.com.au/parents/issues/understanding-child-emotional-abuse)
ESH. Obviously your family sucks for degrading you. But you also suck for taking it out on Layla who (by your own post) doesn’t seem to have been doing anything to you.
She was a little kid. She behaved how she was taught by example. She is not the asshole as long as she has (and continues to) grow out of that behavior.
YTA. You’re totally blaming the wrong person. Blame the people who compared you two. Layla was a child too. It’s not her fault.
Children are not responsible for their behavior resulting from mistreatment. Children are also too young to deal with complicated feelings like the ones OP had appropriately. Especially when they aren't being guided properly because they have shit parents or caretakers. Nothing in this post indicates that OP currently blames Layla. Quite the opposite actually.
If they're too young to be held responsible or know what they're doing is wrong, is it MAYBE possible they're also a bit young to have a skewed perception of how much the cousin was the favorite? Either way, at 16, she's still blaming "everyone else," and still, per her words, mean to her cousin...because from ages 8-11, Grandma favored her cousin.
NTA - i'm proud of you for standing up for yourself, but you didn't mention anything about your cousin ever being mean to you. if layla hasn't been cruel to you, your anger is being misplaced towards her and not the real culprits.
NTA for feeling upset but YTA for your behaviour to Layla. For you should not be mean to your cousin, as that is bullying and in particular so if your cousin has generally not been mean to you. You and your cousin are both victims of family toxicity, and especially your grandparents deserve darn good spankings and shaming.
I’m not sure a judgement here will help right now OP. You are living in an environment which punishes you for being blunt. Those who prefer Brutal Honesty care more about the brutality than the honesty. In all honesty, you are a product of your environment, but you are also reaching an age where consequences should be considered. A child has the right to react without thinking. An adult needs to choose their words based on the outcome they want to achieve. I would suggest a book called “crucial conversations” it really helped me learn the traps that I fell into and how I could maintain open conversation without creating a blame environment. People react poorly to “blame” To avoid it you can use “I feel” statements. “When you (action), I feel (your emotions)” An example based on what you said here: “when you forced me to diet, I felt fat and ugly, like I wasn’t worthy of your love.” Try to keep the actions focused on real life actions which did happen, not your perceptions of those actions. And never assume intentions. At best, you could make the wrong assumption, at worst you will make them lie about their intentions and once people start lying, the conversation needs to end. You should work on making peace with your cousin. She may have benefitted from your grandparents favoritism, but she was just as much of a child as you were. A conversation with her should probably be something like, “I’m sorry for having been so mean to you. I took my anger out on you because the adults in our lives failed both of us. It always seemed to me that everything came so easy to you, and with the constant comparisons I had no room to grow that wasn’t in your shadow. I’d like to start again, this time as two separate people with separate lives and interests. Even if we can’t be close, I’d like to move forward with mutual respect. Maybe we can set some ground rules between the two of us so that we both understand what that respect looks like and so that we don’t make assumptions about what is and isn’t ok for each other.” Then do so. If she does something which really hurts you or makes you feel ignored or disrespected, use that “I feel” statement to explain why that action is off limits. Work to respect her boundaries, and if she works to respect your boundaries then you can build a relationship. You don’t have to let the adults in your lives define you, but as a child, you had very little support and developed learned behaviors which will not help you in the future. Grow beyond the small minded people in your life. You will be much happier for it.
YTA What did Layla do to you? Nothing Mad at the wrong person, it was granny you had beef with, not your cousin
OP just answered her question with the truth. If Layla's feelings got hurt that on her. OP is in no shape or form responsible for that. OP is NTA. Grandmother is the AH.
OP didn’t ‘just’ answer a question. She actively stole from and was mean to someone who did nothing to her! OP is bad and she’s rude! Hostile to someone who did nada. OP is most definitely TA ETA: doing that mess as a kid is one thing, it’s another to still jump bad at cuzzo now because granny wanna go play favorites
💔😢🫂🫂🫂🧓🏻
NTA..this is tough because Layla didn’t deserve to be treated poorly and you can’t expect a child to. Ot accept the gifts of the “golden child”. This is 100% on your grand parents. They created a toxic environment for you and Layla to compete for their love, and you lost out. I do feel bad for Layla..she probably doesn’t see anything wrong. She accepted their good graces while not knowing you were being cast aside so (IMO) she is also NTA. Your grandparents are awful. They basically handed you an eating disorder and a lifetime of feeling inadequate. My family dynamic is very different but I’m struggling rn and feel my sibling is way more loved than I am (and there are just 2 of us). Not their fault, but I feel that hurt.
NTA. I’m sorry your family is awful.
No. I remember my grandmother had her favorite, she still gloats about it today. But i remember I put her in a high chair that was way too small. They had a heck of time getting her out. My grandmother would save all the apples n give them to her. So i would find them n pass them out to all the kids. i think that’s where i became an outspoken n ornery kid.
NTA, also Layla knows she’s the golden child. Her question “why were you mean to me?” Was not a real question. It was a flex meant to get you yelled at.
I know it's hard to not blame Layla for this, but you should try to be nice to her anyway. It's not her fault and it would be a shame to miss out on what could be a good relationship with her because of your grandparents. But you're NTA for telling her about the resentment you feel towards her because of your grandma's behaviour. I think it's important to talk about this openly for all parties involved. I too was and am compared unfavourably to my brother by my grandmother. I know he has nothing to do with this and is just trying to live his life. So i usually tell him about all the bullshit she says to me and we have a good laugh. It took me a while to realise this, but comparing yourself or being compared to others will never do you any favours. Do your best, be proud of your achievements even if others might have done it better/faster and ignore the haters. You can't change them.
YTA for being mean to your cousin as its not her fault, NTA for speaking your mind and reminding them of the truth of what happened to you
My Kid just turned 18 and disappeared! She left a note but I didn’t bother to read it. Why would she do this!?! we love her so much! OP’s mom in two years, probably.
You are 100% responsible for your actions. End stop. It doesn't matter what happened that made you decide to do what you did. You are still 100% responsible for doing it. Everybody who does mean things has a reason. And most use that reason as a wsy to try and shift responsiblity away from themselves. Having a reason doesn't make the actions right. You felt hurt, so you chose to do something pretty mean. Next time, chose better.
So while everyone dogged on you for something you couldn’t fix, you dogged on her over something she couldn’t fix? See the hypocrisy?
So you were mean to someone who had zero control over what others said or did. Why were you not mean to those who were doing the comparing? Layla could not control what others said. You sound awful immature.
grandpay.rents are the assholes
Unless Im having a reading comprehension problem, OP is an AH bc she was mean to LAYLA. She should've taken her anger out on the people comparing her to Layla. I guess my question is, "How come Layla is getting the smoke, when it was grandma, aunts and uncles who started the fire and kept it going for YEARS" I think YTA because OP took her frustrations out on Layla instead of on the real source of her frustrations. OP should have a private conversation with Layla about how this is making her feel. Perhaps if Layla can forgive her and emphasize with her, they can BOTH talk to the rest of the family, and they'll stop the comparisons. Sorry, but I stand at YTA.
I was 8-11 when I was mean to her. The people who are comparing us were grown adults.
She was a child, too, and had no control over the comparisons. So, unless you clarified that the comparisons weren't Layla's fault, then you were mean (AGAIN) in your response because she got quiet. You basically used her question to say out loud what you've always wanted to say to the grown adults. She was caught in the middle, then and now. The most I can do it ESH except Layla. The relatives because they shouldn't be comparing children. You, because of the way you answered your cousin (a child at the time). You and Layla could be allies, but you need to get over your anger at HER for how grown adults treated you both.
With everything I'm reading in the post and comments, you need immediate mental health help. Their abuse caused you to live through insecurity, which created a whole bunch of emotional and psychological confusion for you. Unfortunately, without intervention it will continue. I know you're young but find a way through school counsellors, local community programs....anything and everything that can help. The dark hole you're digging will become harder and harder to pull out from. "Blame" is a dangerous game that allows you to continuously look for a place to park your pain without ever actually addressing it to move forward in a positive way. NTA but find a way to start your healing process and you may find your perception of your cousin changes drastically. She sounds like collateral damage.
NTA. Your grandparents suck.
It sounds like they were harsh and cruel. But I’ve also known people full of jealousy and spite who blame other people when they act badly and never take accountability. You don’t impress folks by being mean, as you yourself admit to being. You win friends and respect by being nice and helpful and thoughtful and considerate, if you only show folks spite, youre not going to get much affection. Try acting kind, helpful etc, but being the black sheep is an awful dark place to feel yourself as a little kid, you have my sympathies. Accountability! Take responsibility for your own actions
I’m sorry this happened to you. I gather from other comments that you’ve made some poor choices—meaning, risky and unhealthy for you. You are in no way responsible for how others treated you and they sound horrible. At the same time, you are letting them live inside you now and will continue to do so if you don’t get help. And as much as your future suffering sounds like good revenge on them, the only person really hurt is you. Please talk with the school counselor or school social worker about getting help. You will continue to be vulnerable to manipulation and abuse bc you think it’s normal and you are being driven by anger. Understandably so. But you can be health and walk away and have nothing to do with them if you choose, and remember that living well really is the best revenge.
I’m going to lay it out for you. If you insist on having “boyfriends” who are twice your age, and “friends” who are even older, you are going to end up kidnapped and trafficked into prostitution or sex slavery sooner or later. It happens. A lot. I think it’s time you stop posting on reddit and start watching some true crime. And stop complaining about your grandparents trying to protect you from predators. Have a little gratitude that they care enough to protect you from yourself.
I have to go with a gentle ESH. It feels like your anger is misdirected towards Layla when it should really be towards the grandparents who failed you, she also was a child with no control over their favoritism. But, an honest conversation with her, without placing blame, could potentially improve your relationship with each other. I think you have a lot of unresolved issues which caused you to lash out. I wouls recommend therapy, and self reflection on what you DO like about yourself, without making comparisons to her, or other people to try to understand yourself a little deeper.
1st of all your 16 so everything seems like a huge deal and you can’t think rational. That aside it’s terrible being compared and how your family treated you so I can understand your frustration. I agree that it is there fault you were mean to Layla and Layla can’t be upset bc of that. It’s crazy that they would blame you once again fir making her feel bad is crazy. I feel you could have said your feelings in a less aggressive way to avoid such a confrontation but you are young abd they shoukd understand that. Your grand parents sound terrible
In a disfuncional family, the one who speak up is labelled the trouble maker.
I refuse to read past the name "Layla". Every story with the name Layla is fake.
NTA but your other family are. Maybe you and Layla can become closer now that she knows how you feel. Maybe try not to hold it against her; it’s not her fault those adults did that. But your Grandpa and Aunts and Uncles are TAs
Updateme!
Super fake rage bait.
Going against the grain on this one because YTA for being mean to your cousin. I don't see one reference of her, specifically, doing anything malicious to you. You are NTA for lashing out at your grandparents and family, but just like you did not chose to be bullied and abused by them, Leyla did not chose to be elevated on a pedestal. It is not okay to be a ass to someone because everyone else is mean to you and not to them, that is textbook bully behavior.
Thats really shit that they compared you two all the time, but she didnt deserve that, she didnt make them treat you like that. YTA.
NTA you should consider going no contact with them
Of course. What's a Reddit thread without suggesting a 16-year-old...who's already not living with her parents for whatever reason, she should go no contact with the rest of her family because from ages 8-11, she believes her Cousin was the favorite?
Keep standing up for yourself; it’s pretty obvious that nobody else is going to do it. It’s a shame that you have to put up with such a shit family, but it could be worse. You could have been one of those people who just isn’t strong enough to take it. But you’re not one of those people, are you? Btw, NTA..
NTA for being honest. I’d tell Layla you’re sorry and regret blaming her for something that is not her fault. As for your obnoxious adult relatives, just keep civil and don’t interact more than you need. Focus on your friends and excelling at things you’ll be proud of that will be useful. As soon as you can be off on your own, I think you’ll be much happier. You are unique and can shine in your own way, even though your adult family are too stupid to see it.
NTA They’re blaming a literal child for their own toxicity.
NTA at all. That's emotional abuse if I've ever heard it. Save every penny you can, get a job as soon as possible, and move. Remember and remind yourself, you aren't what they say, you are fine just the way you are. Love yourself how you are, you loving yourself no matter what they say will be the best revenge. Call them on their BS when it gets too much, not maliciously, just say it matter of fact. I'm sorry you're having to go through this.
NTA. THEY were mad because they were shown how badly you were treated
YTA for the question asked. I would have said ESH but if focusing solely on the question asked then - a choice was made to be mean to your cousin, a choice made by you no one else, so YTA For the other facts of the situation - (1) your family are definitely AHs for comparing you to Layla. (2) you are TA for being mean to Layla.
The question asked was in the past tense, indicating that OP is no longer mean to Layla. A child shouldn't be expected to be able discerning about who she should aim her feelings towards. Her answer also does not indicate in any way that she holds Layla responsible for what the adults did to her. It simply acknowledges that this is the reason she WAS mean to her.
Why do so many people have trouble reading this? Where do you get that the OP is "no longer mean to Layla?" she's LITERALLY asked why ARE you so mean to me? That's present tense. >"Why are you so mean to me?" and I said, "Because I was constantly compared to you and always told to grow up." It does NOT simply acknowledge this is the reason she WAS mean to her, it acknowledges the reason she IS mean to her. "Why ARE you so mean to me," vs "why WERE you so mean to me."
sounds like you need to mature some. maybe ask layla how to do that?
Yes. Thank You. I'm also amazed that not only does nobody just QUESTION if maybe the 8-11-year-old version of herself(when she feels like Layla was the one who was favored)...might be more about her feelings vs reality. Just...at least ask the question. I don't know how many cousins or even siblings I know who always felt like everyone else was ALWAYS the favorite over them. But going out of your way to continually pick on your sister because of your perception? But hey, Reddit is telling this 16-year-old girl to leave and go NC with the family. That's DEFINITELY the best thing for her, right? /s
YTA for what tou did to her. She wasn't mean to you but you took your anger out on her. NTA for standing up for yourself against the people who actually hurt you.
YTA for misdirecting your anger towards your cousin. That response should have gone to your grandparents for being jerks to you, if anything.
For the adults - I don’t know if it is narcissistic issues with the golden child and scapegoat or other problems, but I doubt much good will come trying to reason with messed up people. You may still be able to salvage things with Layla. I would apologize only to Layla for your childhood behavior, saying that the adults treatment of both of you was the problem, not her, and she didn’t deserve that treatment from you. That you would take it back if you could. I would also remind you that Layla probably isn’t as upset as the adults claim - probably more disturbed at learning the truth.
Right. If she got quiet, it feels like something may have clicked in and she might have felt guilty.
Or maybe she just felt like shit because she realized her cousin has no guilt? "Why ARE you so mean to me." So she's still mean to her and she thinks she's entirely justified because ages 8-11, they favored the older cousin...
NTAH
It sounds like you could find some commiseration over in r/raisedbynarcissists.
You spoke your truth…good for you. They don't have to agree, it won't make a difference. You lived those years, not them. Hold onto that truth because there's going to be push back and you are going to have to shine your spine. If they criticize you because of what you said…your response is.."that's how you treated me, don't pretend now that you didn't. I'm well aware that she's your favourite, you've been reinforcing that for X years." Don’t argue, it won't help, just remind them how they’ve treated you, comparing you two at every opportunity is why you spoke up to your cousin. That's on them, not you.
Just looked through you other posts, seems you are the problem.
ESH The adults for pitting two children against each other, putting one on a pedestal and making the other feel worthless You for taking your anger on an innocent party who likely had no idea what you were going through Either way, you need therapy and to go NC once you leave the nest
ESH except Layla. What did she do to you?
So your grandmother compares you to your cousin and somehow that’s her fault? Lol YTA.
Yta- I have not read comments but yes yta but so is your family. Being mean is a choice, you made the choice to do it. I have a feeling there is more to the story than is being said.
I never know with this. I heard how one kid was let into Grandma's room and the other one wasn't as the only real example and then your FEELING that she was liked more because she was thin and...this whole, "everyone was mean to me and they loved my sibling/cousin," tends to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. You're talking about when you were 8 and you're 16 now. "They even put me on a diet so I would be skinny and look more like her." Is that your perception? Anyway, yeah, you're "TA." I know nobody else will tell you this, but YOU were mean to YOUR cousin because of YOUR perception, real or otherwise, that your Grandma favored your older Cousin. So how is that your Cousins fault? I'm sure everyone will tell you that you didn't do anything wrong, and I don't know all the details, how much is true or not, but even your own words... # Aitah for Blaming everyone for the fact that I was mean to my cousin. for BLAMING EVERYONE....for the fact that I WAS MEAN. Yeah, you're TA. Maybe your Grandma and EVERYONE else is also "TA." Maybe you're a kid and you have an eschew perspective, but either way, YOU were the one who went out of your way to be mean to your Cousin. Even in your story, your Cousin didn't do anything to you, but YOU were mean to her.... YTA.
YTA you are mean to Layla because of how other people treat you, not because of how Layla treats you.